1 00:00:00,080 --> 00:00:02,200 Speaker 1: This is Kelly Henderson and you're listening to the Velvet's 2 00:00:02,240 --> 00:00:06,040 Speaker 1: Edge podcast. My guest this week is relationship expert and 3 00:00:06,160 --> 00:00:09,479 Speaker 1: founder of Breakup boot Camp, Amy Chan. If this name 4 00:00:09,520 --> 00:00:12,880 Speaker 1: sounds familiar, Amy has been on the Velvet Edge podcast before, 5 00:00:12,920 --> 00:00:15,480 Speaker 1: and she taught us all about how to utilize the 6 00:00:15,480 --> 00:00:19,200 Speaker 1: pain from a breakup to become your best self and 7 00:00:19,239 --> 00:00:22,079 Speaker 1: build the life you want. So she's back today to 8 00:00:22,120 --> 00:00:26,200 Speaker 1: talk about needs or actually unmet needs within a relationship 9 00:00:26,440 --> 00:00:29,680 Speaker 1: and how to ask for your needs to be met productively, 10 00:00:30,000 --> 00:00:33,520 Speaker 1: how to set boundaries without starting a war. This conversation 11 00:00:33,680 --> 00:00:36,000 Speaker 1: is great for any relationships. It doesn't just have to 12 00:00:36,040 --> 00:00:39,120 Speaker 1: be a romantic relationship. Amy also just fills us in 13 00:00:39,159 --> 00:00:42,200 Speaker 1: on her new book and the science of Rewiring your Heart. 14 00:00:42,360 --> 00:00:50,000 Speaker 1: Here's our conversation. Well, our favorite relationship expert is back. Hi. Amy, Hi, 15 00:00:50,400 --> 00:00:52,239 Speaker 1: I'm so glad to have you back on the podcast. 16 00:00:52,240 --> 00:00:53,800 Speaker 1: And the last time you were here, we talked a 17 00:00:53,840 --> 00:00:57,280 Speaker 1: lot about the Breakup boot Camp and just how to 18 00:00:57,360 --> 00:01:00,760 Speaker 1: heal after you've been through a traumatic breakup. But today 19 00:01:00,840 --> 00:01:03,880 Speaker 1: we're going to talk talk through the rewiring of your 20 00:01:03,880 --> 00:01:06,840 Speaker 1: heart and how that can look either in a relationship 21 00:01:07,440 --> 00:01:09,880 Speaker 1: not in a relationship, how all of this is really 22 00:01:09,920 --> 00:01:14,800 Speaker 1: about the relationship with self more than anything. Yes, exactly, 23 00:01:15,920 --> 00:01:19,479 Speaker 1: So let's talk through we were specifically when we were 24 00:01:19,560 --> 00:01:22,480 Speaker 1: initially talking about doing another podcast, I said to you, like, 25 00:01:22,560 --> 00:01:24,160 Speaker 1: what are some of the things that you know, you 26 00:01:24,200 --> 00:01:26,520 Speaker 1: see people bumping up against or that come up a 27 00:01:26,560 --> 00:01:29,800 Speaker 1: lot in your conversations about relationships, or people would just 28 00:01:30,120 --> 00:01:32,880 Speaker 1: the issues that they would have within these relationships. And 29 00:01:32,959 --> 00:01:35,520 Speaker 1: one of them that you mentioned was people getting their 30 00:01:35,560 --> 00:01:38,800 Speaker 1: needs met and like or unmet needs and how that's 31 00:01:38,840 --> 00:01:42,560 Speaker 1: causing so much hardship and a relationship dynamics. So can 32 00:01:42,560 --> 00:01:44,480 Speaker 1: you talk a little bit through that and like what 33 00:01:44,520 --> 00:01:48,480 Speaker 1: you're seeing within people? Yeah, I think, especially right now 34 00:01:48,560 --> 00:01:51,000 Speaker 1: during a pandemic, I feel like the pandemic has been 35 00:01:51,040 --> 00:01:54,800 Speaker 1: a great accelerator for relationships, meaning it's either you know, 36 00:01:55,280 --> 00:01:58,960 Speaker 1: strengthened people's bond together or made people you know suddenly 37 00:01:58,960 --> 00:02:02,080 Speaker 1: realize or in love with their us friend um sazing, 38 00:02:03,280 --> 00:02:06,640 Speaker 1: or it's kind of put a spotlight on any cracks 39 00:02:06,640 --> 00:02:11,400 Speaker 1: of the foundation, and couples have either you know, completely 40 00:02:11,560 --> 00:02:15,760 Speaker 1: just blown up their relationship and they're breaking up, we're divorcing. 41 00:02:15,760 --> 00:02:18,880 Speaker 1: As those rates of skyrocketing right now, or they're really 42 00:02:18,919 --> 00:02:22,000 Speaker 1: just blutting heads because of the stress of the pandemic 43 00:02:22,080 --> 00:02:24,760 Speaker 1: of being around each other so much. And one thing 44 00:02:24,800 --> 00:02:27,680 Speaker 1: that just keeps coming up is just these arguments that 45 00:02:27,760 --> 00:02:30,720 Speaker 1: kind of go in cycles. And so I think when 46 00:02:31,120 --> 00:02:35,520 Speaker 1: it's important to note that whether you're single or you're coupled, 47 00:02:35,720 --> 00:02:39,720 Speaker 1: if you are, whatever you're complaining about, if you're frustrated 48 00:02:39,760 --> 00:02:43,720 Speaker 1: or you're disappointed, behind that there is an unnet need. 49 00:02:44,120 --> 00:02:49,440 Speaker 1: And too often we're troubleshooting the symptoms. We uh, we're like, 50 00:02:49,600 --> 00:02:51,960 Speaker 1: you know, do the dishes, or we want more romance, 51 00:02:51,960 --> 00:02:54,680 Speaker 1: give me more flowers, and and then maybe your partner 52 00:02:54,720 --> 00:02:57,480 Speaker 1: complies and you know, sets up a date night and 53 00:02:57,520 --> 00:02:59,960 Speaker 1: then you're fine for two days, and then suddenly you're 54 00:03:00,040 --> 00:03:02,920 Speaker 1: used off again. And that's because we're not dealing with 55 00:03:02,960 --> 00:03:05,840 Speaker 1: the symptom. And so for that, for example, the root 56 00:03:05,919 --> 00:03:08,600 Speaker 1: of that is the need for connection. The need for 57 00:03:08,680 --> 00:03:11,960 Speaker 1: connection is not being met, and just getting flowers one 58 00:03:12,000 --> 00:03:15,520 Speaker 1: day is not going to solve that. And so I think, 59 00:03:15,560 --> 00:03:18,960 Speaker 1: first of all, it's really important that whether it's your 60 00:03:19,040 --> 00:03:22,160 Speaker 1: partner that's upset or your upset about something, get to 61 00:03:22,320 --> 00:03:25,440 Speaker 1: what the root need is. And there's a bunch of 62 00:03:25,440 --> 00:03:27,600 Speaker 1: different needs. You can look it up online or read 63 00:03:27,639 --> 00:03:32,079 Speaker 1: the book. But whether is it connection? Is autonomy? Is adventure? 64 00:03:32,320 --> 00:03:35,800 Speaker 1: Is an intellectual stimulation? Is it a sense of safety? 65 00:03:36,320 --> 00:03:41,600 Speaker 1: And remember that ultimately you are responsible forgetting your needs meant? 66 00:03:41,720 --> 00:03:44,600 Speaker 1: Meaning there's things that you can do to meet your 67 00:03:44,600 --> 00:03:49,000 Speaker 1: own needs, and there's ways that you can communicate uh, 68 00:03:49,240 --> 00:03:52,920 Speaker 1: your needs and your boundaries with your partner instead of 69 00:03:53,080 --> 00:03:56,640 Speaker 1: just reacting like a hurt child and being passive aggressive 70 00:03:56,920 --> 00:04:01,080 Speaker 1: or blaming or withdrawing. Yeah, that's so interesting to me 71 00:04:01,160 --> 00:04:04,680 Speaker 1: about like the need for connection. I love that you said, Um, 72 00:04:04,800 --> 00:04:07,240 Speaker 1: you know, maybe you get fulfilled on a date night, 73 00:04:07,280 --> 00:04:08,880 Speaker 1: but then two days later it comes back up. And 74 00:04:08,920 --> 00:04:11,360 Speaker 1: I like, that's something that I have dealt with a 75 00:04:11,400 --> 00:04:14,560 Speaker 1: lot during this pandemic and the dynamic of trying to 76 00:04:14,680 --> 00:04:18,240 Speaker 1: navigate time together with your partner. But like it's not 77 00:04:18,279 --> 00:04:21,360 Speaker 1: just about time because as you said, we're together all 78 00:04:21,400 --> 00:04:25,680 Speaker 1: the time right now, but it's that true connection. So 79 00:04:25,760 --> 00:04:28,040 Speaker 1: like is that when you say it's something like you 80 00:04:28,520 --> 00:04:34,040 Speaker 1: could give yourself? How Like, what what am I missing here? Yeah? 81 00:04:34,200 --> 00:04:37,560 Speaker 1: So let's let me give you an example. Let's talk 82 00:04:37,560 --> 00:04:42,400 Speaker 1: about connection. Um, I know for myself, I've been super 83 00:04:42,440 --> 00:04:46,240 Speaker 1: busy trying, you know, launching this book. I kind of 84 00:04:46,480 --> 00:04:49,440 Speaker 1: stopped doing my self care stuff. I stopped meditating, I 85 00:04:49,560 --> 00:04:52,560 Speaker 1: stopped really doing the things that need my soul. I'm 86 00:04:52,640 --> 00:04:57,640 Speaker 1: not really integrated and connected myself. Now I can easily 87 00:04:57,760 --> 00:05:00,719 Speaker 1: point the finger of blame to my partner. You're like, well, 88 00:05:01,120 --> 00:05:03,719 Speaker 1: you're not being romantic enough, you're not doing this enough. 89 00:05:04,160 --> 00:05:07,359 Speaker 1: But how can I expect him to fill this board 90 00:05:07,360 --> 00:05:10,800 Speaker 1: of connection when I haven't even been feeding it myself. 91 00:05:11,040 --> 00:05:13,360 Speaker 1: So I think that's really important to look at right 92 00:05:13,520 --> 00:05:15,920 Speaker 1: Sexuality is a big thing right now too. A lot 93 00:05:16,000 --> 00:05:19,400 Speaker 1: of couples are having a hard time keeping desire and 94 00:05:19,440 --> 00:05:22,560 Speaker 1: passion alive, especially when you see each other all day. 95 00:05:22,640 --> 00:05:25,640 Speaker 1: You're in your pajamas, and it's really easy to point 96 00:05:25,640 --> 00:05:28,120 Speaker 1: the finger blame and be like, well, you know, you're 97 00:05:28,160 --> 00:05:31,520 Speaker 1: not making me feel sexy, but like, are you doing 98 00:05:31,560 --> 00:05:35,680 Speaker 1: the things to make yourself feel sexy and sensual? Do 99 00:05:35,800 --> 00:05:39,800 Speaker 1: you have a pleasure practice? Are you you know, doing 100 00:05:39,839 --> 00:05:43,359 Speaker 1: a massage and like, you know, cherishing your body, doing 101 00:05:43,400 --> 00:05:46,640 Speaker 1: these things that can make you feel sensual and sexual 102 00:05:46,680 --> 00:05:50,360 Speaker 1: on the inside, instead of expecting your partner to be 103 00:05:50,400 --> 00:05:54,040 Speaker 1: a hundred percent responsible for that. Yeah, Okay, So that's 104 00:05:54,040 --> 00:05:59,520 Speaker 1: so good about making like your partner cannot be responsible 105 00:05:59,600 --> 00:06:02,520 Speaker 1: for anything in your life, like that is not their job. 106 00:06:02,680 --> 00:06:05,880 Speaker 1: And I think a lot of times as humans, we 107 00:06:05,960 --> 00:06:08,120 Speaker 1: sort of get in these dynamics with our partners where 108 00:06:08,120 --> 00:06:10,599 Speaker 1: it feels like, hey, like you're my partner, you should 109 00:06:10,600 --> 00:06:13,480 Speaker 1: meet this need for me, and they can't, Like they 110 00:06:13,480 --> 00:06:16,880 Speaker 1: have their own amount of needs, they have their own struggles. 111 00:06:17,160 --> 00:06:19,840 Speaker 1: So I mean, obviously you need your needs to be 112 00:06:19,880 --> 00:06:23,000 Speaker 1: met in a within a relationship, but they that's very 113 00:06:23,120 --> 00:06:28,119 Speaker 1: unrealistic to expect that of a partner all the time. Right, Yeah, Kelly, 114 00:06:28,160 --> 00:06:30,840 Speaker 1: you make a really great point, And you know, not 115 00:06:30,920 --> 00:06:34,479 Speaker 1: only do we have these expectations of our partners to 116 00:06:34,520 --> 00:06:38,320 Speaker 1: fulfill all our needs sometimes and get sorely disappointed because 117 00:06:38,480 --> 00:06:43,480 Speaker 1: that's completely unrealistic. Another thing is we sometimes play hot 118 00:06:43,480 --> 00:06:46,919 Speaker 1: potato with our emotions, meaning we don't know where the 119 00:06:47,000 --> 00:06:50,080 Speaker 1: root of the emotion comes from. And so, for example, 120 00:06:50,160 --> 00:06:52,960 Speaker 1: right now there's a pandemic, you might on a cognitive 121 00:06:53,040 --> 00:06:55,640 Speaker 1: level say, oh, you know, I'm fine, I'm not that stressed, 122 00:06:55,720 --> 00:07:00,400 Speaker 1: but you're not aware of the compound impact of dressed 123 00:07:00,560 --> 00:07:04,200 Speaker 1: that it's probably having on your body, minded, soul, and 124 00:07:04,279 --> 00:07:06,800 Speaker 1: so when you're feeling out of swords and then you 125 00:07:06,839 --> 00:07:10,960 Speaker 1: know maybe, um, your job is a little bit iffy, 126 00:07:11,120 --> 00:07:14,320 Speaker 1: you're not seeing your friends, it's easy to then be like, oh, 127 00:07:14,360 --> 00:07:18,200 Speaker 1: I feel bad and oh my gosh, who who's the 128 00:07:18,240 --> 00:07:20,240 Speaker 1: person who's right next to you that you can point 129 00:07:20,240 --> 00:07:22,880 Speaker 1: the finger on and say, oh, this is your problem, 130 00:07:22,960 --> 00:07:25,920 Speaker 1: I feel bad, deal with it. But you know, maybe 131 00:07:25,920 --> 00:07:27,600 Speaker 1: your partner has a little bit to do with it, 132 00:07:27,760 --> 00:07:30,800 Speaker 1: but maybe it's all the other things going around as well. 133 00:07:31,080 --> 00:07:34,200 Speaker 1: And so that's why it's important that we really reflect 134 00:07:34,280 --> 00:07:37,120 Speaker 1: on what we're going through and instead of being so 135 00:07:37,240 --> 00:07:41,200 Speaker 1: quick to pay play hot potato with our motions, understand 136 00:07:41,400 --> 00:07:44,760 Speaker 1: where is the root of this coming from? Yes? And 137 00:07:45,000 --> 00:07:46,680 Speaker 1: do you think a lot of it right now might 138 00:07:46,680 --> 00:07:53,160 Speaker 1: be fear? I think yeah, definitely. There is so much uncertainty. 139 00:07:53,400 --> 00:07:56,600 Speaker 1: We haven't gone through something like this. And even if 140 00:07:56,680 --> 00:08:00,320 Speaker 1: your life seems okay, no matter what, you who are 141 00:08:00,440 --> 00:08:06,480 Speaker 1: feeling the collective reef and stress and suffering. Right like, 142 00:08:06,680 --> 00:08:10,880 Speaker 1: we we soak in energy and so it does take 143 00:08:10,920 --> 00:08:14,720 Speaker 1: a toll on you, whether you're processing that or not. Yeah, 144 00:08:15,680 --> 00:08:17,640 Speaker 1: we were talking a little bit before, and I was 145 00:08:17,720 --> 00:08:20,800 Speaker 1: telling you that I've had a lot of change, like 146 00:08:20,880 --> 00:08:23,080 Speaker 1: the past two years actually, but it's you know, and 147 00:08:23,240 --> 00:08:25,840 Speaker 1: everyone has this year. I feel like like you're saying, 148 00:08:25,920 --> 00:08:28,480 Speaker 1: nothing is normal. So it's a collective trauma that we're 149 00:08:28,480 --> 00:08:32,600 Speaker 1: all facing. A lot of us have felt job insecurities 150 00:08:32,600 --> 00:08:35,440 Speaker 1: like that, and that brings up financial stresses and all 151 00:08:35,480 --> 00:08:38,040 Speaker 1: of those things. And what's so interesting is I was 152 00:08:38,080 --> 00:08:39,800 Speaker 1: telling you a little bit of a story which I'll 153 00:08:39,840 --> 00:08:43,240 Speaker 1: keep pretty service here, but like I have, I have 154 00:08:43,320 --> 00:08:46,560 Speaker 1: been sent back into some of my old fears and 155 00:08:46,679 --> 00:08:51,479 Speaker 1: beliefs and like worries just about stuff that's not even 156 00:08:51,679 --> 00:08:54,679 Speaker 1: happening in my life right now. But it's because I'm 157 00:08:55,400 --> 00:08:57,600 Speaker 1: going through so much change or so much fear in 158 00:08:58,040 --> 00:09:00,520 Speaker 1: a lot of my areas. It brings it up in 159 00:09:00,600 --> 00:09:02,320 Speaker 1: all levels. And so I started to go, well, could 160 00:09:02,320 --> 00:09:04,480 Speaker 1: I trust my partner on this, or could I trust 161 00:09:04,520 --> 00:09:06,280 Speaker 1: that friend on this? Or you know, all of my 162 00:09:06,360 --> 00:09:09,680 Speaker 1: old ship has come up because of that, and seeing 163 00:09:09,679 --> 00:09:13,440 Speaker 1: it manifest in my relationship is actually like brutal. I 164 00:09:13,480 --> 00:09:17,440 Speaker 1: hate it. Yeah, it bleeds into everything else, right, Yes, 165 00:09:18,000 --> 00:09:20,200 Speaker 1: so how can we kind of is it just about 166 00:09:20,280 --> 00:09:22,720 Speaker 1: being conscious of that? Like how do we stay out 167 00:09:22,720 --> 00:09:26,320 Speaker 1: of that place within our relationships? Yeah? I think the 168 00:09:26,400 --> 00:09:28,680 Speaker 1: very first step is being conscious of it, and the 169 00:09:28,720 --> 00:09:33,280 Speaker 1: second step is this is an opportunity to really communicate 170 00:09:33,400 --> 00:09:37,800 Speaker 1: like a functioning adult. Right when we when we are triggered, 171 00:09:38,280 --> 00:09:41,800 Speaker 1: we have a tendency to really kind of age regress 172 00:09:41,840 --> 00:09:44,600 Speaker 1: back into our hurt child. And there's really, you know, 173 00:09:44,720 --> 00:09:47,800 Speaker 1: different ways that we reacted to conflict as a child. 174 00:09:48,280 --> 00:09:52,880 Speaker 1: One way is, um, we kind of became submissive and 175 00:09:52,920 --> 00:09:56,680 Speaker 1: we kind of stopped, you know, voicing our needs or 176 00:09:56,720 --> 00:10:01,800 Speaker 1: boundaries and um edited ourselves and maybe went into people pleasing. 177 00:10:02,440 --> 00:10:06,800 Speaker 1: Or you could go the other way where you become 178 00:10:06,840 --> 00:10:10,560 Speaker 1: really defensive, or you might stonewall, or you might blame, 179 00:10:11,200 --> 00:10:14,480 Speaker 1: and you might even feel a bit superior. Right, so 180 00:10:14,720 --> 00:10:17,480 Speaker 1: there's one root of being inferior and one route that 181 00:10:17,520 --> 00:10:20,640 Speaker 1: goes superior. What you want to do as as a healthy, 182 00:10:20,679 --> 00:10:25,439 Speaker 1: functioning adult is actually communicate your needs and your boundaries 183 00:10:25,480 --> 00:10:28,079 Speaker 1: in a healthy way. And the way that you do 184 00:10:28,120 --> 00:10:32,439 Speaker 1: this is the hardest part and the heaviest lifting done 185 00:10:32,559 --> 00:10:35,840 Speaker 1: in a high stix conversation is actually done in the beginning, 186 00:10:36,200 --> 00:10:40,480 Speaker 1: and that is are you entering the conversation with boxing 187 00:10:40,480 --> 00:10:44,240 Speaker 1: gloves on or a handshake, Because if you're entering with 188 00:10:44,320 --> 00:10:47,880 Speaker 1: boxing gloves, and that means you're using language such as 189 00:10:48,360 --> 00:10:53,200 Speaker 1: you do this, you never, you always. Those are fighting words. 190 00:10:53,320 --> 00:10:56,320 Speaker 1: Those are boxing gloves. If you send a text message 191 00:10:56,720 --> 00:11:00,240 Speaker 1: and say hey, can we have a talk, the are 192 00:11:00,240 --> 00:11:04,640 Speaker 1: boxing gloves, right because guess what happens. Automatically the person 193 00:11:04,679 --> 00:11:08,559 Speaker 1: who's receiving that, their nervous system gets activated and they 194 00:11:08,679 --> 00:11:11,880 Speaker 1: go into defense bild. So they are they're gonna fight you, 195 00:11:12,080 --> 00:11:15,319 Speaker 1: They're gonna freeze, or they're gonna flee. And so if 196 00:11:15,400 --> 00:11:18,760 Speaker 1: you are starting off a conversation like that, there's absolutely 197 00:11:18,800 --> 00:11:22,240 Speaker 1: no way you're going to create harmony. So that's the 198 00:11:22,280 --> 00:11:26,479 Speaker 1: first thing. You want to start off your conversation with connection. 199 00:11:26,920 --> 00:11:29,679 Speaker 1: You want to be in a connected place. And this 200 00:11:29,800 --> 00:11:33,240 Speaker 1: might mean that you are selective and strategic with the timing. 201 00:11:33,559 --> 00:11:36,760 Speaker 1: I know for myself, I used to love bringing up, 202 00:11:36,920 --> 00:11:40,720 Speaker 1: you know, serious relationship topics right at night before going 203 00:11:40,760 --> 00:11:46,080 Speaker 1: to bed. My partner is tired from work, he's dying 204 00:11:46,120 --> 00:11:48,280 Speaker 1: to go to sleep, and the last thing you want 205 00:11:48,320 --> 00:11:52,000 Speaker 1: to do is talk about feelings. And so I realized 206 00:11:52,040 --> 00:11:55,240 Speaker 1: the hard way that oh, okay, midnight is not the 207 00:11:55,280 --> 00:11:58,120 Speaker 1: best time to talk about it, and and so, and 208 00:11:58,160 --> 00:12:00,520 Speaker 1: that is an example of me playing hot potato with 209 00:12:00,520 --> 00:12:03,760 Speaker 1: my emotions because I felt something at that time I 210 00:12:03,800 --> 00:12:05,959 Speaker 1: wanted to get it off my chest. So while you 211 00:12:06,080 --> 00:12:09,280 Speaker 1: better come by. But now I know when is a 212 00:12:09,280 --> 00:12:12,120 Speaker 1: better time to bring things up. And if I'm bringing 213 00:12:12,200 --> 00:12:14,640 Speaker 1: up what's called the high six conversation, maybe I'm talking 214 00:12:14,679 --> 00:12:17,680 Speaker 1: about a boundary or a need, I will not only 215 00:12:17,760 --> 00:12:20,560 Speaker 1: choose the right time, I will also choose to speak 216 00:12:20,559 --> 00:12:23,199 Speaker 1: about it when we're in a place of feeling connected. 217 00:12:23,440 --> 00:12:25,560 Speaker 1: So that might be when we're on a walk, it 218 00:12:25,640 --> 00:12:29,720 Speaker 1: might be like during a meal, um, And and I'll 219 00:12:29,760 --> 00:12:32,440 Speaker 1: make sure that I use language that doesn't make him 220 00:12:32,440 --> 00:12:35,960 Speaker 1: feel like he's being attacked, that I'm just digesting everything, 221 00:12:36,000 --> 00:12:39,640 Speaker 1: because that's so true. Sometimes even if I think I'm 222 00:12:39,679 --> 00:12:43,760 Speaker 1: doing it trying to connect, it's not the right time, 223 00:12:44,160 --> 00:12:46,600 Speaker 1: or maybe my approach just sort of what you're saying, 224 00:12:46,600 --> 00:12:48,360 Speaker 1: where I'm asking for something and the person is not 225 00:12:48,400 --> 00:12:50,680 Speaker 1: in the place to hear that, and so it's going 226 00:12:50,720 --> 00:12:53,560 Speaker 1: to be a disaster every time. Do you have some 227 00:12:53,679 --> 00:12:57,720 Speaker 1: examples of ways like verbage even to use as a 228 00:12:57,880 --> 00:13:04,040 Speaker 1: like starting point that comes from a place of connection. Yes, So, okay, 229 00:13:04,080 --> 00:13:07,800 Speaker 1: I love the non violent communication framework, and this is something. 230 00:13:07,880 --> 00:13:10,160 Speaker 1: The more you practice, the more natural it gets. In 231 00:13:10,160 --> 00:13:12,160 Speaker 1: the beginning, you're like, oh, this feels really weird. I 232 00:13:12,200 --> 00:13:14,880 Speaker 1: feel like a robot, But eventually it just becomes a 233 00:13:14,880 --> 00:13:17,400 Speaker 1: part of the way you communicate. The very first thing 234 00:13:17,440 --> 00:13:19,560 Speaker 1: you want to do is you want to validate your 235 00:13:19,600 --> 00:13:22,880 Speaker 1: partner's experience. This works with romantic partners. It also works 236 00:13:22,920 --> 00:13:28,400 Speaker 1: with kids. Okay. You know, if a kid is freaking 237 00:13:28,400 --> 00:13:32,160 Speaker 1: out about being hungry and wants ice cream, what you 238 00:13:32,240 --> 00:13:35,199 Speaker 1: say to that kid is like, I understand that you 239 00:13:35,280 --> 00:13:38,200 Speaker 1: feel really hungry and you want ice cream and you're 240 00:13:38,320 --> 00:13:41,280 Speaker 1: sad because you can't get the ice cream. Okay. That 241 00:13:41,360 --> 00:13:44,200 Speaker 1: makes the kid feel like they're validated in your experience. 242 00:13:44,480 --> 00:13:46,840 Speaker 1: Same thing with your partner. Maybe a partner has been 243 00:13:46,880 --> 00:13:50,720 Speaker 1: super stressed at work and it's just, you know, is 244 00:13:50,760 --> 00:13:54,360 Speaker 1: stressed any and sensitive to like anything that you say. 245 00:13:54,559 --> 00:13:57,280 Speaker 1: You might say, Hey, I know you've had a really 246 00:13:57,400 --> 00:14:00,360 Speaker 1: crazy week at work and things have been huff and 247 00:14:00,360 --> 00:14:03,960 Speaker 1: you've been feeling a bit stressed out and upset. Am 248 00:14:04,000 --> 00:14:07,280 Speaker 1: I right? And then you created opening where your partner 249 00:14:07,320 --> 00:14:11,320 Speaker 1: feels safe, where your partner feels seen, and they are like, 250 00:14:11,360 --> 00:14:14,240 Speaker 1: oh yeah, you empathize with where I'm coming from yes, 251 00:14:14,480 --> 00:14:17,320 Speaker 1: I am having a hard time at work versus like 252 00:14:17,440 --> 00:14:20,120 Speaker 1: you're so stressed all the time and you always just 253 00:14:20,320 --> 00:14:23,480 Speaker 1: act like an asshole when you're stressed outsually different way, right, 254 00:14:23,840 --> 00:14:27,760 Speaker 1: And so now that you've kind of validated their experience, um, 255 00:14:27,840 --> 00:14:30,960 Speaker 1: and you empathized with where they're at. And again, this 256 00:14:31,000 --> 00:14:34,480 Speaker 1: doesn't mean just because you're empathizing or validating their experience, 257 00:14:34,520 --> 00:14:36,960 Speaker 1: it doesn't mean that you're admitting fault. For example, so 258 00:14:36,960 --> 00:14:38,840 Speaker 1: if you're in a fight, it doesn't mean by just 259 00:14:38,880 --> 00:14:41,520 Speaker 1: saying like, wow, I see that you're really stressed out 260 00:14:41,640 --> 00:14:44,760 Speaker 1: and this conversation is making you upset. It doesn't mean 261 00:14:44,800 --> 00:14:48,280 Speaker 1: that you're saying I'm I'm right and you're wrong, you know, um, 262 00:14:48,400 --> 00:14:51,720 Speaker 1: So it's just to kind of create a connection. Second 263 00:14:51,720 --> 00:14:53,880 Speaker 1: thing you want to do is you then want to 264 00:14:53,920 --> 00:14:56,640 Speaker 1: talk about the facts, and this means the facts of 265 00:14:56,720 --> 00:15:00,680 Speaker 1: the situation, not your interpretations, not to say words like 266 00:15:00,760 --> 00:15:05,200 Speaker 1: always and never. So maybe the situation is you're feeling 267 00:15:05,280 --> 00:15:09,680 Speaker 1: disconnected and you want to have more romance. So this 268 00:15:09,800 --> 00:15:13,240 Speaker 1: might look like this, Hey, John, I know that this 269 00:15:13,280 --> 00:15:16,040 Speaker 1: has been a really hard week and it seems like 270 00:15:16,080 --> 00:15:19,800 Speaker 1: you've been really stressed out lately and you know, frustrated 271 00:15:19,840 --> 00:15:23,160 Speaker 1: with your coworkers, and you'd be like, yeah, I have them, 272 00:15:23,200 --> 00:15:25,120 Speaker 1: And then you can say it like, well, you know, 273 00:15:25,600 --> 00:15:29,200 Speaker 1: I've also had a pretty hard week and um, you know, 274 00:15:29,320 --> 00:15:32,000 Speaker 1: we haven't really been able to connect, like we haven't 275 00:15:32,000 --> 00:15:35,160 Speaker 1: had any meals together, and I know for me, I've 276 00:15:35,160 --> 00:15:37,600 Speaker 1: been on my social media all the time. And so 277 00:15:37,640 --> 00:15:39,960 Speaker 1: you're just explaining the facts of the situation, but you're 278 00:15:39,960 --> 00:15:43,720 Speaker 1: not blaming attacking the other person. The next thing you 279 00:15:43,760 --> 00:15:46,480 Speaker 1: do is you talk about how you feel and what 280 00:15:46,600 --> 00:15:50,360 Speaker 1: you value, so you can say something like, you know, 281 00:15:50,480 --> 00:15:53,880 Speaker 1: I've been feeling a little disconnected and that makes me 282 00:15:54,040 --> 00:15:56,840 Speaker 1: sad because like, you know how much I love you 283 00:15:56,960 --> 00:16:01,320 Speaker 1: and I value connection and quality time with you, and 284 00:16:01,400 --> 00:16:05,680 Speaker 1: like you know, passionate date nights, um and so. And 285 00:16:05,720 --> 00:16:09,160 Speaker 1: then you set up a clear request. So this is 286 00:16:09,160 --> 00:16:13,360 Speaker 1: when you actually ask for what you want. I suggest 287 00:16:13,440 --> 00:16:16,120 Speaker 1: you open it up with saying are you open minded 288 00:16:16,160 --> 00:16:19,400 Speaker 1: to Studies actually show that when you open up a 289 00:16:19,520 --> 00:16:22,760 Speaker 1: request with that, the chances that of that person complying 290 00:16:22,960 --> 00:16:27,640 Speaker 1: actually increased significantly. This is this might look like would 291 00:16:27,680 --> 00:16:31,120 Speaker 1: you be open to Friday night, we do dinner, we 292 00:16:31,240 --> 00:16:34,640 Speaker 1: turn off our phones, and we promise. You know, we 293 00:16:34,680 --> 00:16:37,160 Speaker 1: don't talk about work and we end the night with 294 00:16:37,240 --> 00:16:39,440 Speaker 1: a bubble bath at a bottle of wine. How does 295 00:16:39,440 --> 00:16:41,120 Speaker 1: that sound to you? Like with do you think that 296 00:16:41,160 --> 00:16:45,360 Speaker 1: would smart connection? That just makes it sound like you're 297 00:16:45,440 --> 00:16:48,520 Speaker 1: both in it for the same value. You both want connection, 298 00:16:49,160 --> 00:16:52,400 Speaker 1: and you're you're giving an option, but you're not making 299 00:16:52,400 --> 00:16:55,880 Speaker 1: a demand, right, because when you make a demand, there's 300 00:16:55,880 --> 00:16:59,240 Speaker 1: something that happens automatically to the other person. They either 301 00:16:59,400 --> 00:17:03,040 Speaker 1: will become submissive and comply to your demand, which will 302 00:17:03,120 --> 00:17:08,840 Speaker 1: just create resentment, or they will become defensive and they 303 00:17:08,880 --> 00:17:10,560 Speaker 1: will be like, I'm not going to do that, like 304 00:17:10,720 --> 00:17:12,919 Speaker 1: you're not the boss of me. Both ways is a 305 00:17:12,960 --> 00:17:16,760 Speaker 1: lose lose situation. So this way, you're actually if you're 306 00:17:16,800 --> 00:17:21,520 Speaker 1: inviting the person into the conversation, into the solution. I 307 00:17:21,640 --> 00:17:26,840 Speaker 1: love that. So you you kind of mentioned when we 308 00:17:26,840 --> 00:17:29,680 Speaker 1: were talking before about communicating your needs. I'm assuming this 309 00:17:29,720 --> 00:17:32,400 Speaker 1: is this is the protocol that we should operate under, right, 310 00:17:32,480 --> 00:17:35,119 Speaker 1: Like it's a dress. It's first of all, addressing or 311 00:17:35,160 --> 00:17:39,280 Speaker 1: accepting our need in our own head and then approaching 312 00:17:39,280 --> 00:17:43,960 Speaker 1: your partner in the capacity that you just explained exactly. Yes, 313 00:17:44,320 --> 00:17:46,960 Speaker 1: And one great thing to do is especially if there's 314 00:17:47,000 --> 00:17:50,159 Speaker 1: going to be a high stix conversation, meaning you know, 315 00:17:50,240 --> 00:17:52,080 Speaker 1: this isn't just about the dishes, and maybe it's something 316 00:17:52,119 --> 00:17:56,440 Speaker 1: a bit more more like significant to you. I would 317 00:17:56,480 --> 00:17:59,240 Speaker 1: suggest actually writing it down as if you're having the 318 00:17:59,320 --> 00:18:02,400 Speaker 1: conversation and going through the steps using the non violent 319 00:18:02,440 --> 00:18:07,520 Speaker 1: communication framework. So again that's identifying the unmet need in yourself. 320 00:18:07,880 --> 00:18:11,080 Speaker 1: Um so you're troubleshooting the right thing, then stating the facts, 321 00:18:11,359 --> 00:18:15,200 Speaker 1: then how you feel, then what you value, then making 322 00:18:15,280 --> 00:18:18,399 Speaker 1: a clear request. Right. If you write it down, it 323 00:18:18,480 --> 00:18:23,280 Speaker 1: actually helps you kind of um filter the situation in 324 00:18:23,320 --> 00:18:25,879 Speaker 1: your head so that by the time it's game time, 325 00:18:26,200 --> 00:18:29,840 Speaker 1: you've kind of practiced this already and the chance of 326 00:18:29,920 --> 00:18:33,000 Speaker 1: you chances of you just getting ticked off and triggered 327 00:18:33,040 --> 00:18:34,919 Speaker 1: and then blowing up is going to be a lot 328 00:18:35,040 --> 00:18:38,520 Speaker 1: less likely when you kind of run through it already. Yeah. Now, 329 00:18:38,560 --> 00:18:41,320 Speaker 1: so what about when you are in a position with 330 00:18:41,359 --> 00:18:42,920 Speaker 1: your partner where you feel like you need to set 331 00:18:42,960 --> 00:18:45,800 Speaker 1: boundaries Because I feel like sometimes these conversations can go 332 00:18:45,960 --> 00:18:48,520 Speaker 1: similarly like when you are trying to stay the need 333 00:18:48,560 --> 00:18:51,119 Speaker 1: but you're instead demanding it or you're not saying it 334 00:18:51,640 --> 00:18:55,000 Speaker 1: appropriately or in a place of connection with your partner, 335 00:18:55,080 --> 00:18:57,080 Speaker 1: it turns into a huge fight. And I think that 336 00:18:57,080 --> 00:19:00,280 Speaker 1: that can go in a similar fashion for boundary ease. 337 00:19:00,320 --> 00:19:02,840 Speaker 1: And I think boundaries are tricky, and they are for me. 338 00:19:02,960 --> 00:19:06,359 Speaker 1: So what does that look like when what's the difference there? 339 00:19:07,840 --> 00:19:10,800 Speaker 1: I think that you can use exact same framework setting 340 00:19:10,840 --> 00:19:13,800 Speaker 1: up your boundaries as well. So let's just do an example. 341 00:19:13,960 --> 00:19:18,879 Speaker 1: So say, um, you want more you know, free time 342 00:19:18,920 --> 00:19:22,320 Speaker 1: and autonomy. Okay, Um, So the way that you could 343 00:19:22,359 --> 00:19:25,280 Speaker 1: bring that up is saying, like, hey, you know, during 344 00:19:25,320 --> 00:19:28,640 Speaker 1: this pandemic, we've both kind of been under the same 345 00:19:28,760 --> 00:19:31,240 Speaker 1: roof twenty four hours a day. Those are the facts. 346 00:19:31,640 --> 00:19:34,359 Speaker 1: Then you would say how you feel I am a 347 00:19:34,400 --> 00:19:37,560 Speaker 1: bit more introverted, and you know, I do need more 348 00:19:37,800 --> 00:19:41,199 Speaker 1: kind of independence and autonomy. And that's kind of what 349 00:19:41,280 --> 00:19:44,440 Speaker 1: we had before the pandemic and I was really living 350 00:19:44,480 --> 00:19:46,520 Speaker 1: my best self back then, and I think that actually 351 00:19:46,520 --> 00:19:50,119 Speaker 1: contributed a lot to our relationship and like even the 352 00:19:50,200 --> 00:19:52,560 Speaker 1: mystery and the desire. Right, So you're setting up how 353 00:19:52,600 --> 00:19:55,119 Speaker 1: you feel the higher value for the both of you, 354 00:19:55,600 --> 00:19:58,359 Speaker 1: and then you make a clear request, Um, would you 355 00:19:58,440 --> 00:20:02,200 Speaker 1: be open to on Monday nights that's our independent day, 356 00:20:02,280 --> 00:20:04,720 Speaker 1: that means like we'll do our own meal, We'll kind 357 00:20:04,720 --> 00:20:07,760 Speaker 1: of do our own thing, um, and then we regroup 358 00:20:07,760 --> 00:20:10,080 Speaker 1: on Tuesday, and then we can actually even talk about 359 00:20:10,160 --> 00:20:12,439 Speaker 1: what we missed out on Monday and just have like 360 00:20:12,520 --> 00:20:14,760 Speaker 1: that one moment or that one day in the week 361 00:20:14,760 --> 00:20:17,840 Speaker 1: where we actually have some time apart and kind of 362 00:20:17,880 --> 00:20:20,320 Speaker 1: allow the desire to go back again. Like what do 363 00:20:20,320 --> 00:20:24,160 Speaker 1: you think about that? It's a different way right then, like, hey, 364 00:20:24,240 --> 00:20:27,400 Speaker 1: you're totally in my space. I'm going crazy, Like just 365 00:20:27,520 --> 00:20:30,840 Speaker 1: back off, totally different. Yeah, I mean that sounds like 366 00:20:30,880 --> 00:20:33,400 Speaker 1: the difference between like a war and a peaceful conversation. 367 00:20:35,200 --> 00:20:37,320 Speaker 1: And also those wars seem to be the ones that 368 00:20:37,440 --> 00:20:40,159 Speaker 1: drag out for weeks, you know, they just never d 369 00:20:40,200 --> 00:20:43,040 Speaker 1: because once that groundwork is late, it is just like 370 00:20:43,400 --> 00:20:48,000 Speaker 1: the battle is on. Um. So do you can you 371 00:20:48,080 --> 00:20:50,720 Speaker 1: explain the difference between a boundary and a wall? Because 372 00:20:50,760 --> 00:20:55,440 Speaker 1: this actually took me a very long time to understand 373 00:20:55,560 --> 00:20:58,320 Speaker 1: when I was doing this, And I think like, as 374 00:20:58,320 --> 00:21:02,360 Speaker 1: a person who's not necessar fairly grown up, having uh 375 00:21:02,480 --> 00:21:05,040 Speaker 1: active boundaries, like that's something I've had to learn and 376 00:21:05,040 --> 00:21:08,040 Speaker 1: as a as an adult, when I first started setting them, 377 00:21:08,080 --> 00:21:10,240 Speaker 1: they went so far, you know, like I did the 378 00:21:10,240 --> 00:21:13,160 Speaker 1: opposite extreme, and I was setting up all these walls, 379 00:21:13,359 --> 00:21:16,040 Speaker 1: and so what what is the difference? So maybe people 380 00:21:16,080 --> 00:21:19,159 Speaker 1: can understand that a little more. Yeah, I feel like 381 00:21:19,240 --> 00:21:22,920 Speaker 1: building up a wall is a coping mechanism and it's 382 00:21:22,920 --> 00:21:26,800 Speaker 1: often learned from childhood. Right, So say what you're a 383 00:21:26,880 --> 00:21:30,560 Speaker 1: young child, Say you're in your teens, and your parents 384 00:21:30,640 --> 00:21:34,640 Speaker 1: were I don't know, encroaching in your space. So back 385 00:21:34,680 --> 00:21:37,480 Speaker 1: then you didn't actually have the tools or the communication 386 00:21:37,560 --> 00:21:40,679 Speaker 1: ability to actually have a conversation that you're in a 387 00:21:40,720 --> 00:21:43,800 Speaker 1: time where you need an independence. So instead you might 388 00:21:43,840 --> 00:21:46,240 Speaker 1: just go silent and you just kind of shut them out. 389 00:21:46,440 --> 00:21:49,240 Speaker 1: You kind of go through this extreme behavior because you 390 00:21:49,320 --> 00:21:53,120 Speaker 1: don't know how to handle the in between UM. And 391 00:21:53,200 --> 00:21:56,560 Speaker 1: so we'll construct a wall where it's like this, no 392 00:21:56,920 --> 00:22:00,680 Speaker 1: nothing can come in, right, it's not porous, there's no negotiation, 393 00:22:00,960 --> 00:22:03,200 Speaker 1: there's no gray space, and we kind of hide behind 394 00:22:03,320 --> 00:22:06,680 Speaker 1: that because we we don't feel like we can deal 395 00:22:06,760 --> 00:22:10,480 Speaker 1: with any of the ambiguity or the gray space in between. 396 00:22:11,080 --> 00:22:16,160 Speaker 1: And so a boundary is different a boundaries chorus meaning um, 397 00:22:16,200 --> 00:22:20,400 Speaker 1: your you're it's not coming from a place of um 398 00:22:20,640 --> 00:22:23,639 Speaker 1: scarcity and lack. It's coming from a place of you 399 00:22:23,800 --> 00:22:27,720 Speaker 1: having an understanding of where your feelings are where someone 400 00:22:27,760 --> 00:22:31,280 Speaker 1: else's are, and you respect other people's boundaries and they 401 00:22:31,280 --> 00:22:34,440 Speaker 1: can respect yours. And if they're not willing to comply 402 00:22:35,040 --> 00:22:37,800 Speaker 1: and they're going to breach your boundaries, you're willing to 403 00:22:38,240 --> 00:22:41,760 Speaker 1: do something about that. Um meaning sometimes you might even 404 00:22:41,760 --> 00:22:45,960 Speaker 1: walk away from the dynamic or you you'll do X, 405 00:22:46,080 --> 00:22:49,960 Speaker 1: y Z and so A boundaries when you communicate what 406 00:22:50,119 --> 00:22:52,480 Speaker 1: it is that you want, what it is that you need, 407 00:22:53,000 --> 00:22:58,440 Speaker 1: and there is a consequence if that boundary is breached. Okay, 408 00:22:58,520 --> 00:23:02,160 Speaker 1: So so you said that, you know, if the boundaries breached, 409 00:23:02,200 --> 00:23:03,800 Speaker 1: like you might even be willing to walk away from 410 00:23:03,800 --> 00:23:06,000 Speaker 1: the relationship. Does it have to go that extreme? Or 411 00:23:06,040 --> 00:23:08,640 Speaker 1: can you can that also be a place of connection 412 00:23:08,680 --> 00:23:12,879 Speaker 1: with your partner to like when the violation happens, is 413 00:23:12,880 --> 00:23:15,200 Speaker 1: there a conversation that can be had that can actually 414 00:23:15,440 --> 00:23:18,080 Speaker 1: you know, they say like therapy, when you do couples therapy, 415 00:23:18,160 --> 00:23:20,040 Speaker 1: it's like a bid for connection a lot of times 416 00:23:20,040 --> 00:23:22,480 Speaker 1: when you're working through the hard issues. So are there 417 00:23:22,480 --> 00:23:26,440 Speaker 1: ways to do that? Totally? I think it really depends, right, Like, 418 00:23:26,760 --> 00:23:30,680 Speaker 1: I also work with people whom are are in relationships 419 00:23:30,720 --> 00:23:34,760 Speaker 1: with people who have narcissistic personality disorder, and for them, 420 00:23:34,800 --> 00:23:37,199 Speaker 1: they have a really hard time with boundaries and they 421 00:23:37,240 --> 00:23:40,760 Speaker 1: don't ever uphold the boundaries, so they continuously get locked 422 00:23:40,840 --> 00:23:44,000 Speaker 1: on and and stay in these really toxic relationships where 423 00:23:44,000 --> 00:23:46,919 Speaker 1: there's a lot of abuse. And so it's important for 424 00:23:46,960 --> 00:23:49,160 Speaker 1: those people to draw the boundaries and more, and they're 425 00:23:49,160 --> 00:23:52,879 Speaker 1: not listening to you actually have to, you know, identify 426 00:23:53,040 --> 00:23:55,119 Speaker 1: is this a blip in the relationship or is it 427 00:23:55,119 --> 00:23:57,000 Speaker 1: a pattern? And if it's a pattern and a cycle, 428 00:23:57,080 --> 00:23:59,119 Speaker 1: you've got to get out. Um. But I think for 429 00:23:59,240 --> 00:24:02,960 Speaker 1: day to day relationships, when boundaries have preached, and sometimes 430 00:24:02,960 --> 00:24:05,840 Speaker 1: they will be, I don't think our partners are here 431 00:24:05,880 --> 00:24:08,480 Speaker 1: to go out to get us right. The majority of 432 00:24:08,480 --> 00:24:11,560 Speaker 1: the relationships, your partner isn't some evil person who's just 433 00:24:11,720 --> 00:24:16,520 Speaker 1: who's trying to harm you, um. And so oftentimes it's 434 00:24:16,560 --> 00:24:19,480 Speaker 1: just a lack of communication and a lack of the 435 00:24:19,560 --> 00:24:23,199 Speaker 1: reception of that. So if they're not hearing you, you 436 00:24:23,320 --> 00:24:26,040 Speaker 1: have to, you know, take on the ownership of being 437 00:24:26,040 --> 00:24:28,919 Speaker 1: a leader in conversation. And I think if both people 438 00:24:29,080 --> 00:24:31,960 Speaker 1: think that, you're always going to be navigating and learning 439 00:24:31,960 --> 00:24:35,520 Speaker 1: how to be a better communicator. Um. And then you 440 00:24:35,560 --> 00:24:37,840 Speaker 1: find ways of communicating like I, and it's going to 441 00:24:38,040 --> 00:24:40,400 Speaker 1: be different for each person, right, Like I have set 442 00:24:40,400 --> 00:24:44,160 Speaker 1: boundaries with my mother, for example, who constantly would have 443 00:24:44,240 --> 00:24:48,199 Speaker 1: conversations complaining about my dad and I, you know, I 444 00:24:48,240 --> 00:24:49,760 Speaker 1: grew up with this and I had to set a 445 00:24:49,800 --> 00:24:52,479 Speaker 1: boundary and I said, hey, Mom, I love you and 446 00:24:52,520 --> 00:24:54,920 Speaker 1: I love dad, and I know he's done some terrible things, 447 00:24:55,000 --> 00:24:57,240 Speaker 1: but I cannot keep hearing this because he's my father. 448 00:24:57,720 --> 00:25:00,000 Speaker 1: And so if you want to keep having these conversations 449 00:25:00,000 --> 00:25:02,600 Speaker 1: shins about how you feel, totally fine. But if you're 450 00:25:02,600 --> 00:25:05,359 Speaker 1: gonna attack my dad, I can't hear it. And I 451 00:25:05,400 --> 00:25:07,399 Speaker 1: had to say it a few times until she got it, 452 00:25:07,640 --> 00:25:10,199 Speaker 1: and sometimes I would actually get off the phone. So 453 00:25:10,320 --> 00:25:13,080 Speaker 1: that was a consequence, like, hey Mom, you're doing that again. 454 00:25:13,240 --> 00:25:15,520 Speaker 1: I actually don't want to engage in this. I'm gonna 455 00:25:15,560 --> 00:25:18,640 Speaker 1: get off the phone. I'll call you back later. Um. 456 00:25:18,760 --> 00:25:20,560 Speaker 1: And then eventually she kind of got it and she 457 00:25:20,680 --> 00:25:24,520 Speaker 1: stopped doing it, but sometimes I need to still remind her, Yeah, 458 00:25:24,680 --> 00:25:26,640 Speaker 1: I love that. So what if what if you're not 459 00:25:26,720 --> 00:25:28,560 Speaker 1: in a relationship and you're listening to this, can you 460 00:25:28,600 --> 00:25:32,040 Speaker 1: apply these kind of tactics into your life as a 461 00:25:32,080 --> 00:25:35,320 Speaker 1: single person. I mean, I think that learning how to 462 00:25:35,359 --> 00:25:39,040 Speaker 1: communicate in a healthy way is going to be helpful 463 00:25:39,400 --> 00:25:41,760 Speaker 1: for all areas of your life. Right, you can use 464 00:25:41,800 --> 00:25:45,680 Speaker 1: this with coworkers, with friends, with romantic partners, with people 465 00:25:45,720 --> 00:25:49,600 Speaker 1: you're dating, with family members. Um, I think even you know, 466 00:25:49,800 --> 00:25:54,160 Speaker 1: with the holidays, like some some families might be putting 467 00:25:54,200 --> 00:25:56,200 Speaker 1: on the pressure of like are you gonna get married, 468 00:25:56,200 --> 00:25:58,320 Speaker 1: are you gonna have children, or or even just getting 469 00:25:58,359 --> 00:26:01,879 Speaker 1: super nosy about your life and so you know, and 470 00:26:01,920 --> 00:26:04,360 Speaker 1: when we deal with our family as as woke as 471 00:26:04,359 --> 00:26:11,000 Speaker 1: we are, sometimes like everything just false. Yeah, everyone has sponsors. Yes, 472 00:26:12,480 --> 00:26:15,280 Speaker 1: So like that's a great time to start practicing. And 473 00:26:15,359 --> 00:26:18,159 Speaker 1: like I would say, if this is all new to you, 474 00:26:18,320 --> 00:26:22,199 Speaker 1: practice with lower stakes conversations in setting your boundaries and 475 00:26:22,320 --> 00:26:25,880 Speaker 1: asking for your needs. Right, even especially for those people 476 00:26:25,920 --> 00:26:30,640 Speaker 1: who are over givers, even the are practicing to ask 477 00:26:31,440 --> 00:26:35,160 Speaker 1: is something that you have to build your muscle to write. 478 00:26:35,320 --> 00:26:40,520 Speaker 1: If you're always giving, you're probably feeling resentful. You probably 479 00:26:40,640 --> 00:26:43,639 Speaker 1: feel like people don't invest in you as much as 480 00:26:43,680 --> 00:26:46,960 Speaker 1: you invest in them, and you might even people might 481 00:26:46,960 --> 00:26:49,160 Speaker 1: be trying to give you their love, but you might 482 00:26:49,160 --> 00:26:51,520 Speaker 1: not even be able to receive it. So like you 483 00:26:51,760 --> 00:26:55,640 Speaker 1: want to practice asking for smaller things that are low 484 00:26:55,800 --> 00:26:58,560 Speaker 1: stakes before you, you know, do the big ask the 485 00:26:58,680 --> 00:27:01,280 Speaker 1: same thing when it talk comes to you know, needs 486 00:27:01,280 --> 00:27:04,879 Speaker 1: of boundaries. I love that. Well. We mentioned earlier that 487 00:27:04,960 --> 00:27:07,560 Speaker 1: you are the founder of the renew Breakup boot Camp, 488 00:27:07,600 --> 00:27:10,919 Speaker 1: which I actually attended this year, which I didn't go 489 00:27:10,960 --> 00:27:13,960 Speaker 1: through a breakup, but people, so that's like kind of confusing. 490 00:27:14,000 --> 00:27:16,000 Speaker 1: But um, when I talked to you, We've been in 491 00:27:16,040 --> 00:27:17,800 Speaker 1: touch for many years now, and when I talked to 492 00:27:17,840 --> 00:27:21,399 Speaker 1: you about this, I was bumping up against some old patterns, 493 00:27:21,560 --> 00:27:24,639 Speaker 1: maybe small behaviors even belief systems that I just could 494 00:27:24,680 --> 00:27:27,720 Speaker 1: not release, and I could see them affecting my relationship. 495 00:27:28,240 --> 00:27:30,199 Speaker 1: And I remember saying to you something like I just 496 00:27:30,320 --> 00:27:33,320 Speaker 1: know that regardless of if I'm in this relationship or not, 497 00:27:33,440 --> 00:27:35,600 Speaker 1: like this ship is going to stay with me, and 498 00:27:35,680 --> 00:27:38,399 Speaker 1: so I need help. Like I could just see that 499 00:27:38,480 --> 00:27:41,879 Speaker 1: I was not able to break out of it by myself. 500 00:27:41,920 --> 00:27:44,680 Speaker 1: So your workshop was extremely helpful to me. I'm at 501 00:27:44,720 --> 00:27:47,520 Speaker 1: so many amazing women who I still I've done a 502 00:27:47,560 --> 00:27:50,840 Speaker 1: couple of podcasts since then with some of the educators 503 00:27:50,880 --> 00:27:54,639 Speaker 1: and just amazing women that helped, like with you, within 504 00:27:54,720 --> 00:27:56,760 Speaker 1: all of this stuff, and I want to tell the 505 00:27:56,800 --> 00:27:59,760 Speaker 1: listeners about Renews, so can you kind of I want 506 00:27:59,760 --> 00:28:03,360 Speaker 1: to talk through how this started for you and your journey, 507 00:28:03,440 --> 00:28:07,000 Speaker 1: and then also what it is you guys are doing now. Yeah. 508 00:28:07,160 --> 00:28:10,960 Speaker 1: So I started renew Breakup boot Camp because I went 509 00:28:11,040 --> 00:28:16,359 Speaker 1: through a pre traumatizing breakup and back then, UM, I 510 00:28:16,400 --> 00:28:19,960 Speaker 1: put all of my identity in my relationship and our future, 511 00:28:20,480 --> 00:28:24,399 Speaker 1: and when the relationship fell apart, I just completely fell apart. 512 00:28:24,440 --> 00:28:27,720 Speaker 1: I didn't know who I was without this person and 513 00:28:27,800 --> 00:28:30,000 Speaker 1: all these plans that I had laid out for us. 514 00:28:30,520 --> 00:28:33,680 Speaker 1: And so the uncertainty I thought was going to kill me, 515 00:28:33,840 --> 00:28:37,040 Speaker 1: because you know, it was like everything I thought I 516 00:28:37,080 --> 00:28:39,320 Speaker 1: was gonna have just went away. And I think some 517 00:28:39,360 --> 00:28:42,200 Speaker 1: people can resonate right now with the pandemic, like your 518 00:28:42,240 --> 00:28:46,360 Speaker 1: plans have been altered. There's been a major, major plot twist, 519 00:28:46,880 --> 00:28:51,240 Speaker 1: and I learned how to navigate through that. I went 520 00:28:51,280 --> 00:28:55,080 Speaker 1: through a lot of different types of therapy, yoga, retreats, 521 00:28:55,160 --> 00:28:58,320 Speaker 1: Raiky's psychics, I've tried it all. And then I realized 522 00:28:58,360 --> 00:29:01,120 Speaker 1: that there isn't a play for people to go to 523 00:29:01,440 --> 00:29:05,960 Speaker 1: after a breakup where they they cannot only heal from 524 00:29:06,200 --> 00:29:10,360 Speaker 1: their breakup, but also learn about the subconscious patterns that 525 00:29:10,440 --> 00:29:14,840 Speaker 1: are causing the same emotional experiences to repeat. And I thought, 526 00:29:14,960 --> 00:29:18,160 Speaker 1: I need to create this. So we have physical retreats, 527 00:29:18,160 --> 00:29:19,960 Speaker 1: of course are on hold right now because of the pandemic, 528 00:29:20,040 --> 00:29:23,160 Speaker 1: and now we offer the virtual online boot camps where 529 00:29:23,160 --> 00:29:25,720 Speaker 1: we bring in a bunch of different experts from psychologists, 530 00:29:25,760 --> 00:29:30,040 Speaker 1: behavioral scientists to sex educators to help people move through 531 00:29:30,240 --> 00:29:33,200 Speaker 1: old patterns that are no longer serving them so that 532 00:29:33,240 --> 00:29:36,640 Speaker 1: they can change the relationship with self, which automatically ripple 533 00:29:36,640 --> 00:29:39,480 Speaker 1: effects to the relationships with others. Yeah, I mean, I 534 00:29:39,480 --> 00:29:42,480 Speaker 1: will say that was that was a major part of 535 00:29:42,520 --> 00:29:44,600 Speaker 1: my experience. And you know, I'm like you and that 536 00:29:44,720 --> 00:29:48,440 Speaker 1: I've done basically every type of therapy. I love it. 537 00:29:48,840 --> 00:29:51,680 Speaker 1: I constantly feel like I'm like diving into new things. 538 00:29:52,000 --> 00:29:55,560 Speaker 1: But sometimes I get out of my routines, just like 539 00:29:55,600 --> 00:29:59,440 Speaker 1: you were saying, and I get so lost amongst myself, 540 00:29:59,480 --> 00:30:02,200 Speaker 1: like I lost from myself, if that makes sense. And 541 00:30:02,280 --> 00:30:05,200 Speaker 1: that was one of the main things that I experienced 542 00:30:05,240 --> 00:30:07,680 Speaker 1: that renew was even letting go of some of my 543 00:30:07,880 --> 00:30:10,440 Speaker 1: fears have been because you know, they've been so just 544 00:30:10,680 --> 00:30:13,520 Speaker 1: huge this year with all of the laws and change 545 00:30:13,640 --> 00:30:16,080 Speaker 1: and all of that, and just to say like I 546 00:30:16,120 --> 00:30:20,440 Speaker 1: am okay. You know, within myself, I am okay no 547 00:30:20,480 --> 00:30:25,200 Speaker 1: matter what is happening externally around me or within my 548 00:30:25,240 --> 00:30:30,160 Speaker 1: relationships or any of it, Like, I will be okay regardless. Yeah, Kelly, 549 00:30:30,160 --> 00:30:33,480 Speaker 1: I think that's such a huge takeaway. Is uh, this 550 00:30:33,760 --> 00:30:38,600 Speaker 1: internal knowing that you are okay, you are safe, and 551 00:30:38,680 --> 00:30:41,560 Speaker 1: you have the tools to get back up. Right. Life, 552 00:30:41,560 --> 00:30:44,600 Speaker 1: pivots are going to happen. Things that we plan on 553 00:30:44,680 --> 00:30:47,880 Speaker 1: are going to fall apart, Things that we never expected 554 00:30:47,880 --> 00:30:50,959 Speaker 1: to happen will happen, and we will get back up 555 00:30:51,280 --> 00:30:53,640 Speaker 1: and we will get back up again. And when you 556 00:30:53,680 --> 00:30:56,840 Speaker 1: know that, it just changes how you do the world. 557 00:30:56,920 --> 00:30:59,800 Speaker 1: It changes how you love as well, because you can 558 00:31:00,000 --> 00:31:02,720 Speaker 1: actually open your heart and love even stronger and more 559 00:31:02,760 --> 00:31:05,240 Speaker 1: boldly because you know, even if it all kind of 560 00:31:05,280 --> 00:31:07,920 Speaker 1: fell apart and didn't go according to plan, you will 561 00:31:07,960 --> 00:31:10,880 Speaker 1: be okay and you will get back up. Exactly. I 562 00:31:10,920 --> 00:31:14,080 Speaker 1: love that. Well, now you've actually turned this Breakup boot 563 00:31:14,080 --> 00:31:16,480 Speaker 1: Camp into a book. So there's a new book out 564 00:31:16,480 --> 00:31:19,680 Speaker 1: called Breakup Boo boot Camp The Science of Rewiring your Heart. 565 00:31:20,040 --> 00:31:23,480 Speaker 1: Tell us about the book. Yeah, So for all those 566 00:31:23,520 --> 00:31:25,600 Speaker 1: people who can't make it to the physical boot Camp. 567 00:31:25,920 --> 00:31:28,600 Speaker 1: This is the Bible, and I would say it's the 568 00:31:28,680 --> 00:31:32,000 Speaker 1: relationship Bible because it's never just about the X, it's 569 00:31:32,040 --> 00:31:35,600 Speaker 1: recycled pain and the book has you know, all these 570 00:31:35,840 --> 00:31:38,400 Speaker 1: tried and tested tools that are backed by research and 571 00:31:38,440 --> 00:31:43,959 Speaker 1: psychology UM and different experts sharing their expertise and different 572 00:31:44,000 --> 00:31:46,840 Speaker 1: stories of the women who have come through Breakup Root 573 00:31:46,840 --> 00:31:50,280 Speaker 1: Camp and have made you know, significant changes in their 574 00:31:50,320 --> 00:31:53,840 Speaker 1: lives and applied these tools. And so yeah, this is 575 00:31:53,960 --> 00:31:57,920 Speaker 1: UM the relationship Bible. I'd like to say. So even 576 00:31:57,920 --> 00:32:00,480 Speaker 1: though if you're not in you're either not in a 577 00:32:00,520 --> 00:32:03,440 Speaker 1: relationship or if you're in a relationship and you're just 578 00:32:03,520 --> 00:32:06,760 Speaker 1: like we're seeing yourself repeat old patterns, these things can 579 00:32:06,760 --> 00:32:09,720 Speaker 1: be very helpful. Right. It doesn't necessarily matter what your 580 00:32:09,720 --> 00:32:13,280 Speaker 1: relationship status is at the time. Yeah, for sure, it's 581 00:32:13,280 --> 00:32:16,800 Speaker 1: for you know, single, dating, divorced, or coupled. This is 582 00:32:16,840 --> 00:32:20,440 Speaker 1: applicable because this is a this is a book about 583 00:32:20,480 --> 00:32:24,000 Speaker 1: the patterns your own relationship patterns, your relationship with self 584 00:32:24,280 --> 00:32:27,000 Speaker 1: and some of the subconscious beliefs that are kicking around 585 00:32:27,520 --> 00:32:31,200 Speaker 1: that impact everything in your life. And so it's never 586 00:32:31,240 --> 00:32:33,520 Speaker 1: just about a person or the ex or the person 587 00:32:33,560 --> 00:32:35,880 Speaker 1: you're with This is about what's going on with you. 588 00:32:35,960 --> 00:32:38,880 Speaker 1: And like you said earlier, Kelly, our patterns will stay 589 00:32:38,920 --> 00:32:41,480 Speaker 1: with us and we will bring them with us wherever 590 00:32:41,640 --> 00:32:44,280 Speaker 1: we go. And so if we don't learn to start 591 00:32:44,320 --> 00:32:47,400 Speaker 1: to shift those, we're just going to keep repeating the 592 00:32:47,480 --> 00:32:51,120 Speaker 1: same issues over and over again. Yeah, yeah, I agree 593 00:32:51,160 --> 00:32:53,440 Speaker 1: with that. Well, Amy, I love you, you know that, 594 00:32:53,560 --> 00:32:56,280 Speaker 1: so I appreciate you being here. Where else can people 595 00:32:56,320 --> 00:32:58,400 Speaker 1: find you if they have any more questions or if 596 00:32:58,400 --> 00:33:00,360 Speaker 1: they just want to look into renew or even just 597 00:33:00,440 --> 00:33:03,720 Speaker 1: a good follow on Instagram? Yeah, renew. Breakup boot Camp 598 00:33:03,760 --> 00:33:06,560 Speaker 1: dot com is a website. Follow me on Instagram at 599 00:33:06,680 --> 00:33:09,320 Speaker 1: miss Amy Can If you have questions, DM me I 600 00:33:09,360 --> 00:33:12,640 Speaker 1: always answer them. Um and yeah, the book Breakup boot 601 00:33:12,680 --> 00:33:15,920 Speaker 1: Camp for Science of Reward your Heart is available everywhere. Amazing. 602 00:33:16,000 --> 00:33:19,200 Speaker 1: Thanks so much for being here today, Thanks for having me, 603 00:33:19,400 --> 00:33:20,520 Speaker 1: Thank you guys for listening.