Speaker 1: We're back. I'm Drew McCarry and I'm David Roth and
Speaker 1: coming in September a new site we have built together
Speaker 1: called Defecto or Defector, and we're gonna have a new
Speaker 1: podcast to go with it, This very podcast, which has
Speaker 1: the name The Distraction. It's out right now at available
Speaker 1: every rust. Get your podcast at Stitcher, Spotify, Apple, Go
Speaker 1: listen right now to The Distraction everywhere. It's out right now.
Speaker 1: Go listen to see buy. A lot of times I
Speaker 1: decide against asking for advice because people are so jaded
Speaker 1: by their own experiences. I don't really want to hear it.
Speaker 1: The biggest thing I learned in life was that a
Speaker 1: smart man learns from his own mistakes, but a wise
Speaker 1: man learns from the mistakes of others. Oh that's a
Speaker 1: good one. Hey, I'm Cadine and we're the Ellis. You
Speaker 1: may know us from posting fundy videos without board and
Speaker 1: reading each other publicly as a form of therapy. Wait,
Speaker 1: I'll make you need derby most days. And one more
Speaker 1: important thing to mention, we're married, Yes, sir, we are.
Speaker 1: We created this podcast to open dialogue about some of
Speaker 1: the life's most taboo topics. Most folks don't want to
Speaker 1: talk about through the lens of a millennial married couple.
Speaker 1: Dead ass is a term that we say every day.
Speaker 1: Where we say dead ass, we're actually saying facts. One honey,
Speaker 1: the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth.
Speaker 1: We're about to take Philow's off to a whole new levels.
Speaker 1: Starts now. All right, listen, man, I'm gonna be honest
Speaker 1: with y'all. Man, I'm tired of people with our kids
Speaker 1: asking me or telling me how to raise my kids. Man,
Speaker 1: I ain't solicit no advice from y'all. Mo fos. Okay,
Speaker 1: I'll give you a perfect example. My homeboy, my buddy,
Speaker 1: my pal, one of my best friends, says to me,
Speaker 1: he feels like I'm spending too much money on my
Speaker 1: kid's first birthday parties. How dare you You don't got
Speaker 1: no kids? Okay, alright, he got no kids, zero zilch.
Speaker 1: How are you gonna tell me I'm doing too much
Speaker 1: for my first kids when I'm three kids into this
Speaker 1: and you ain't got no kids. I didn't ask for that,
Speaker 1: Are you willing to donate? Let me tell you something
Speaker 1: about advice, all right, If people don't ask for it,
Speaker 1: don't give it all right, And if you have not
Speaker 1: lived through what I'm living through, don't tell me how
Speaker 1: to live through what I'm living through until you live
Speaker 1: through it. Because you know what's funny now right, he
Speaker 1: got a kid. He got a kid, now right, the
Speaker 1: watch when that baby first birthday come around. You know
Speaker 1: I'm gonna be there with my calculator. Right, I'm sending
Speaker 1: him let them and I in closed it with kids
Speaker 1: when I write him, he been get it on time.
Speaker 1: I forgot about that was singing some more, but you
Speaker 1: brought it back. I forgot that part. Tom wasn't hold
Speaker 1: you remember when you wrote me that long ass letter.
Speaker 1: It was four pages and bad in script. My eyes
Speaker 1: was hurting trying to be even write in script anymore. No,
Speaker 1: they have laptops. I know. I kind of want to
Speaker 1: teach our kids like, you know, penmanship as we used
Speaker 1: to call it back in the day. Do that to boys.
Speaker 1: They got big hands. You know how it feels to
Speaker 1: write independent, have the whole. That's why how they're gonna
Speaker 1: sign their names on documents. Let me tell you they
Speaker 1: had documents. Um, women, This is a theory I have
Speaker 1: and I think it's true. Listen to me tell me
Speaker 1: growing up, okay, teaches me, like the boys always have
Speaker 1: bad handwriting, always have bad handwriting, right, the girls always
Speaker 1: had beautiful penmanship. But there's a reason why we have
Speaker 1: larger hands and bigger knuckles, right, But we all right
Speaker 1: with the same size pin. You know, this guye of cramps,
Speaker 1: I used to get right in my hand. I had
Speaker 1: to write my name in script over and over the
Speaker 1: fat joints though them fat pencils, and what I look
Speaker 1: like a fat pencil in my hand. I mean, it's
Speaker 1: not the most aesthetically pleasing thing to but it wasn't
Speaker 1: fair and probably would have been popping as opposed to
Speaker 1: think about it, that was sexist that you made us
Speaker 1: right with the same pen knowing that we had challenges
Speaker 1: growing up as young young black men, maybe we should
Speaker 1: revisit that for sure, definitively sure. So we're talking about
Speaker 1: letters today, our listener letters, which we love to hear
Speaker 1: from y'all. Some of y'all be writing these four page
Speaker 1: letters too. We can't get through four pages letters from
Speaker 1: each email, y'all, so we had to keep it a
Speaker 1: little more concise. But our email box is overflowing, and
Speaker 1: we just really appreciate your support. We love you guys
Speaker 1: so much, so we wanted to dedicate a specific show
Speaker 1: to just answering some questions talking about advice. Also, we
Speaker 1: want to be clear, I don't like giving advice, for sure.
Speaker 1: I hate giving advice for sure, but I don't mind
Speaker 1: giving my perspective based on the things that I've been through.
Speaker 1: So when we give you the guys these advice to
Speaker 1: listen to letters, we often give you the advice based
Speaker 1: on what we've gone through. Excuse me, based on what
Speaker 1: we've gone through and also how we've lived through it,
Speaker 1: saying so I'm not a professional. I'm not telling you
Speaker 1: this is what you should do. I'm saying, hey, we've
Speaker 1: been through that, and this is how we dealt with Yeah,
Speaker 1: and we don't profess to be experts on anything that
Speaker 1: we speak about here. We're just giving our opinions for sure,
Speaker 1: if y'all see in devols, But we want to give
Speaker 1: you all two cents and just you know, see, my
Speaker 1: partnership is not that bad. I'm I'm taking I'm going
Speaker 1: to go practice now. I think you should totally practice
Speaker 1: for sure, for sure. So, yeah, after we had that
Speaker 1: birthday party for all three of our kids. Just to
Speaker 1: tie it back to story of time. You know, everyone
Speaker 1: has their particular idea of what you should spend money
Speaker 1: on and what you shouldn't. People tell us all the
Speaker 1: time that they think that having first birthday parties are
Speaker 1: having weddings or having these celebrations that are big, and
Speaker 1: you spend lots of money on our pointless and you
Speaker 1: can put that somewhere else. No, no, this is what
Speaker 1: we say. This is what they say. First of all,
Speaker 1: you had that baby that wasn't needed for the kids,
Speaker 1: that was for the pyramids. You've got damn right, absolutely
Speaker 1: you damn right. My wife carry this damn baby for
Speaker 1: ten whole months. I dealt with her crazy asked for
Speaker 1: ten whole months. It was time to celebrate. When needed
Speaker 1: a drink, folks. So he bought everybody and drink. But
Speaker 1: everybody drink. We had a good time, celebrated life. See,
Speaker 1: for us, it's about the memory. It's about the moment,
Speaker 1: Like every single of our every single first birthday of
Speaker 1: our children were memorable. Who was there the experience that
Speaker 1: we had. It's about sometimes creating the memories. So I
Speaker 1: get the whole practical side of it, where it's like
Speaker 1: you know, we don't want to spend the money on it. However,
Speaker 1: there's certain things that money cannot. We celebrate life on
Speaker 1: one number two, we cut the cake. Move on right now,
Speaker 1: all right now, So let's jump right into some of
Speaker 1: these questions. You want to read the first one, baby, Yes,
Speaker 1: the first one. I got it all right, guys. I've
Speaker 1: been in a relationship for eight years and married for
Speaker 1: two of those years. My significant other than I have
Speaker 1: recently moved in together and it has been amazing for
Speaker 1: the most part, I say most dude to the level
Speaker 1: of comfortability he has with me. To get to the
Speaker 1: dirty to get into the dirty details, he uses the
Speaker 1: bathroom with the door open, and sometimes when I'm in
Speaker 1: the shower we're talking about number two, he farts when
Speaker 1: I'm right next to him and picks his nose and
Speaker 1: rubs it on me as if it's a joke. This
Speaker 1: is only the shortlist, damn. But that being said, I
Speaker 1: have multiple questions. One, at what point do you guys
Speaker 1: draw the comfortablely line for one? Another? Two, how can
Speaker 1: I talk to him about changing his new behavior he's
Speaker 1: been exhibiting because I'm starting to find him less sexually
Speaker 1: attraction well, no ship like that just feels like like
Speaker 1: are we in kindergarten babe? You know, buggers and stuffers.
Speaker 1: I mean, I do think fairly off. I don't know,
Speaker 1: I don't know. It's pretty substantial, so to that be
Speaker 1: out here like digging for all the diamonds up in there.
Speaker 1: But yeah, I mean the level of comfort. You know,
Speaker 1: like you said, you've been in a relationship for eight years,
Speaker 1: married for two, So I get that. I wonder if
Speaker 1: you've been living together for eight years or if it's
Speaker 1: only been for the past two years. Because sometimes it's
Speaker 1: when you're just dating and you're living in separate spaces
Speaker 1: and then you move in together, especially if you're just
Speaker 1: newly married and have never lived with that person before,
Speaker 1: you may not pick up on those little isms that
Speaker 1: they have that will drive you crazy. Um and you
Speaker 1: know me, I got about pet Peeves. So that's sometimes
Speaker 1: hard to deal with when you're living with someone you
Speaker 1: know and he may think that, well, you know, now
Speaker 1: we're living together, I can be comfortable. I can be
Speaker 1: myself and uh, you're not with it. So I get you, sister,
Speaker 1: and the level of attraction that can be created to me,
Speaker 1: to me, that was very simple, though, she said, like,
Speaker 1: what do I do? You're a man is gonna want
Speaker 1: to have sex? Tell him the things he does makes
Speaker 1: him less sexually tractive. He's going to stop, for sure,
Speaker 1: you think so absolutely. If you told me that there
Speaker 1: was something that I was doing that made me less
Speaker 1: attractive to you sexually, I'm going to stop that. You
Speaker 1: know what. Devout actually let one loose in the bed
Speaker 1: one time that drove me to sleep in the living
Speaker 1: room for the night. I got so mad, like like
Speaker 1: to my core, because I'm like, how dare you subject
Speaker 1: me to that odor in my bed? And you know,
Speaker 1: when you do it and it gets trapped underneath like
Speaker 1: the comforter, and then because no escaping it, and then
Speaker 1: I had nowhere to go, and I was like, I'm
Speaker 1: going to the living room. And I literally went on
Speaker 1: the couch and slept there for the night. And he
Speaker 1: knew not to bother me because I got some good
Speaker 1: at sleep on the couch. You can blow the bedroom
Speaker 1: up all you want, but we were separated for that night.
Speaker 1: But you know what, he ain't getting on that night either,
Speaker 1: because that was not cute. Listen, guys, all right, what
Speaker 1: did you eat that day? Okay, don't act like a
Speaker 1: little secret, right, I'll let you little secret ladies. I'm
Speaker 1: st it all y'all. Hold y'all farting farts in all day, right,
Speaker 1: because I don't fire around my man. Right when you
Speaker 1: fall asleep, you know what happens. You fart and we'll
Speaker 1: be sleep in the bed and you just be like
Speaker 1: and you'll be wanting to cuddle and spoon, and I'll
Speaker 1: be spooning you, and then I just feel a little
Speaker 1: ruffle and then I hear I don't wake you up.
Speaker 1: I don't make a big deal about it unconsciously doing it. Yes,
Speaker 1: you are a sleep farter. You are a step farter.
Speaker 1: Hold mineing either. I'll excuse myself before I just letting.
Speaker 1: I'm letting you out, loaning ladies. All these farts as
Speaker 1: you holding, they come out at some point. You may
Speaker 1: not know, but he knows. So don't be so upset
Speaker 1: when he lets one loose, because you were probably gonna
Speaker 1: woke Hi out his sleep a couple of times. All right.
Speaker 1: As far as going into the bathroom while y'all lay
Speaker 1: in the shower, I do that all the time. Codeine
Speaker 1: does that. You have one bathroom And now now he
Speaker 1: picked when she goes in the shower to do it.
Speaker 1: You don't pick, like, you don't you don't just do
Speaker 1: you think that he'd just be like, oh, she in
Speaker 1: the shower, let me just go drop a deuce. I know.
Speaker 1: Sometimes you just got to go to the and does
Speaker 1: say that they recently moved in together, so they aren't
Speaker 1: together all this time. Yeah, And it's a learning it's
Speaker 1: a learning. Yeah, there's definitely a learning curve when you
Speaker 1: finally move in with someone, even not being married. You know,
Speaker 1: Deval and I didn't practice the traditional quote unquote you know,
Speaker 1: get married first then moving together. We lived with each
Speaker 1: other before that, so we kind of knew what we
Speaker 1: were getting into. Um. But drawing the line when it
Speaker 1: comes to certain things with like being comfortable, Um, I
Speaker 1: think we both give each other space, and I think
Speaker 1: it's necessary sometimes and I think you should have a
Speaker 1: conversation with him and let him know that you're just
Speaker 1: not really into that stuff to me. To me, those
Speaker 1: are the easiest conversations. As you're getting to know somebody
Speaker 1: and you move in together, you you expect there to
Speaker 1: be some you know, feathers ruffles, right, Hey, you know,
Speaker 1: I really don't like when you squeeze the toothpaste from
Speaker 1: the middle. All right, can you squeeze that motherfucker from
Speaker 1: the bottom? I might lose my mind. Or you go
Speaker 1: buy one of the joints that you can attach to
Speaker 1: the bottom and you just slid it as you go
Speaker 1: as like a sign, you know. But then that's the
Speaker 1: passive aggressive way, and we don't do passive aggressiveness does
Speaker 1: not work. Have to be directed. You're talking about marriage,
Speaker 1: you're playing on living each other for the rest of
Speaker 1: your life. You must be direct. But if, if, if
Speaker 1: it's truly hindering your ability to be sexually attracted to
Speaker 1: your husband, that's an easy way to tell him, because
Speaker 1: then he won't have no problems do when it. He
Speaker 1: chose you to spend the rest of his life with,
Speaker 1: which means he wants to be with you for the
Speaker 1: rest of his life and only you. So if you
Speaker 1: tell him that's going to hinder him from getting some booty,
Speaker 1: he's gonna change it. I mean, that's that's an easy one.
Speaker 1: And and not for nothing. This is normal guys. Like
Speaker 1: moving in with someone and finding out that there's things
Speaker 1: about them that you don't like is normal. Don't think that,
Speaker 1: oh my god, this is gonna be a problem. We're
Speaker 1: gonna get a divorce. It's normal. Talk through it, you know,
Speaker 1: seek out. You know, I don't even you gotta seek
Speaker 1: help for this, to seek out some time where you're
Speaker 1: not offensive to sit down today. You know I love
Speaker 1: you right like I love you however, right, can you
Speaker 1: please choose to drop the deuce when I'm not in
Speaker 1: the shower or let me know that you feel like
Speaker 1: it's approaching, like it's turtle heading at that point you
Speaker 1: feel like coming, and I'll del in my shower about
Speaker 1: ten fienteen minutes if it's necessary for sure. All right,
Speaker 1: onto question number two. All right, let's switch gears. Me
Speaker 1: and my boyfriend have been together going on three years.
Speaker 1: But he but we've been very good friends since the
Speaker 1: age of sixteen. I'm now thirty two. We have a
Speaker 1: one year old daughter, and I have a seven year
Speaker 1: old son from a previous relationship. We're living in a
Speaker 1: two bedroom apartment right now with all of our stuff
Speaker 1: and the kids stuff, and it's starting to feel like
Speaker 1: the walls are closing in. We need more space, for sure,
Speaker 1: We've been there. I finally brought up the suggestion for
Speaker 1: us to temporarily move to my parents home, which they
Speaker 1: have three extra bedrooms, so we can save some money
Speaker 1: to purchase our first home, and he is totally against it.
Speaker 1: I said that we can set a ten month goal,
Speaker 1: and he brings up everything that could go wrong instead
Speaker 1: of just hearing me out. His main concern is he
Speaker 1: will not feel comfortable. But what is ten months of
Speaker 1: being uncomfortable for something that we can enjoy God willing
Speaker 1: for the next forty plus two years plus we can
Speaker 1: have the space that we all need soon. I don't
Speaker 1: know what I should do, apart from me feeling like
Speaker 1: he's not ready for that step that I am, but
Speaker 1: I am. Should I figure out a way to do
Speaker 1: it without him or hope he comes to his senses
Speaker 1: and sees things my way? Oh gosh, um, yeah, I
Speaker 1: heard you brunning and growing over there? Way? What this
Speaker 1: made you feel? Some kind of way? It does because
Speaker 1: I've experienced this with my parents and then my brother. Right.
Speaker 1: The hardest thing for anybody, not a man, I don't
Speaker 1: The hardest for anybody is to move back in with
Speaker 1: their parents, right, So I could only imagine how hard
Speaker 1: it would be for me to move in with somebody
Speaker 1: else's parents, right, your your woman's parents. Absolutely, So it's
Speaker 1: like an ego shot you feel like, um yes, definitely,
Speaker 1: definitely an ego shot, but not even so much an
Speaker 1: ego shot. But it's like you have your own space,
Speaker 1: you feel comfortable. I'll give you a perfect example. My
Speaker 1: brother Brian moved back in with us. She did, and
Speaker 1: your brother at one point moved back in with us,
Speaker 1: right for sure, for them to follow our rules that
Speaker 1: we set for our house, even though there are peers
Speaker 1: and they're adults, it was difficult because they're like, I
Speaker 1: have my own way of doing things. Can you imagine
Speaker 1: going through that and having your own kids and having
Speaker 1: a wife. Think about the nights where you and I
Speaker 1: have our arguments. Can you imagine her parents listening to
Speaker 1: them have an argument, sure, yep, and not knowing if
Speaker 1: they're going to be infusing themselves into it, if they're
Speaker 1: gonna let them have their space. I be very uncomfortable.
Speaker 1: And yeah, people have their ways, like we're set in
Speaker 1: our ways kind of you know, as adults, and I'm
Speaker 1: sure her parents are as well too. Um So that's
Speaker 1: something that could be uncomfortable with living with someone once
Speaker 1: they have their own level of comfortability doing things in
Speaker 1: their own home and then having to curtail that to
Speaker 1: satisfy somebody else, Like what if her parents, you know,
Speaker 1: don't want them coming in out the house at late hours,
Speaker 1: but he's used to going out with his boys, and
Speaker 1: she may be okay with that, but then her mom
Speaker 1: might be like, well, you let yourment go out at night.
Speaker 1: You know, it just infuses that many more people into
Speaker 1: your relationship. So I can get where he feels uncomfortable
Speaker 1: with that. And also setting the time frame of oh,
Speaker 1: it's only a ten month thing, Those ten month things
Speaker 1: often turned into twelve months, fifteen months, two year things,
Speaker 1: three year things. Purchasing a home is not easy. It
Speaker 1: may take you three to six months just to close
Speaker 1: on a home, so you may think that you may
Speaker 1: only be there for ten months, but then you have
Speaker 1: to find a home. Then after you find a home,
Speaker 1: you have to close on a home. That's not something
Speaker 1: that I don't know ten oneths ten months is realistic
Speaker 1: because she said to move in to save money first off,
Speaker 1: and then you're saving money to build for this house,
Speaker 1: So ten months is is maybe not a realistic timeframe,
Speaker 1: but I do agree with the feeling uncomfortable to have
Speaker 1: that growth, and we've mentioned that recently. Even with us
Speaker 1: just having to relocate, we are in turn a little
Speaker 1: more uncomfortable in our surroundings because it's new. But at
Speaker 1: the same time too, we knew it was necessary in
Speaker 1: order for us to move to the next level, so
Speaker 1: it was needed. You know, you develop your own comfort
Speaker 1: zone and things don't seem to progress the where you
Speaker 1: wanted too, so you have to shake things up a bit.
Speaker 1: So I do understand where she's coming from with that perspective.
Speaker 1: I completely understand where she's coming from as far as
Speaker 1: making yourself uncomfortable to then be comfortable long term. But
Speaker 1: I feel like putting yourself in situations where you can't
Speaker 1: be successful as a couple is not going to help.
Speaker 1: So there are other ways where they can make themselves
Speaker 1: uncomfortable and save money. For example, if they have multiple vehicles,
Speaker 1: drop one like we did. You know what I'm saying,
Speaker 1: drop both of them, take the train like we did.
Speaker 1: Or maybe try decluttering. I know it's a two bedroom
Speaker 1: apartment right now that you said you're in. You know,
Speaker 1: I know a lot of breeding had to take place
Speaker 1: with us just moving, So maybe getting ready, some things
Speaker 1: that you feel like are not necessarily that you don't
Speaker 1: need right now, or having someone help you at least
Speaker 1: organize the space that you're in right now. Sometimes it
Speaker 1: requires that little bit of touch to kind of make
Speaker 1: things at least livable and doable, to be comfortable for everybody. Yes,
Speaker 1: but I know what it's like to be in a
Speaker 1: space where you feel like you've outgrown it. That's how
Speaker 1: I felt in our place in Brooklyn. I felt like
Speaker 1: we were there, you know, Val and I together as
Speaker 1: a young couple, and then we had three children in there,
Speaker 1: and at one point we had your brother, his girlfriend
Speaker 1: and his son at the same time, so they were
Speaker 1: like four adults and two children living in the house
Speaker 1: together or in the apartment together. And you feel like
Speaker 1: you're kind of trapped, and that can be super uncomfortable
Speaker 1: and very kind of depressing at the same time. Absolutely,
Speaker 1: and I think I think it'd be important for us
Speaker 1: to explain to them because people have asked us why
Speaker 1: did we rent for so long? Giving them some perspective
Speaker 1: on buying properties now in two thirteen. Right, Oh, absolutely,
Speaker 1: this is that the Devout had to actually school me
Speaker 1: on because I wasn't savvy about it. But so first
Speaker 1: and foremost, you said you want to move out of
Speaker 1: your apartment to save money, which more than likely means
Speaker 1: you don't have much saving now. Right, So you're looking
Speaker 1: for at least a three bedroom and let's just get
Speaker 1: for example, say they're living in New York, right, a
Speaker 1: three bedroom home in New York. Let's choose somewhere that
Speaker 1: we know for a fact as mc Canarsi. This is
Speaker 1: not a big lavish home, but that's going to cause
Speaker 1: you like a half a million dollars. Yeah, they're going
Speaker 1: at like six seven now, so now you're looking at
Speaker 1: you have to you have to save at least which
Speaker 1: will be a hundred thousand dollars. Let's think about the
Speaker 1: mean income for to family homes in Canarsia. It's probably
Speaker 1: about a hundred hundred twenty thousand dollars right after that's
Speaker 1: for two working adults, right, so after taxes, you probably
Speaker 1: bring home maybe sixty five thousand a year, and then
Speaker 1: after expenses that cuts down to about what thirty thousand
Speaker 1: if you have cars. If you plan on giving money
Speaker 1: to your parents because you're staying there, maybe a thousand
Speaker 1: dollars a month to your parents, because you're staying there
Speaker 1: with three kids or two kids. So now you saved
Speaker 1: about twenty on a good day, on a good year,
Speaker 1: you saved because if you don't go on no vacations,
Speaker 1: you've saved twenty dollars. You would have to be in
Speaker 1: your parents home for five years to save the amount
Speaker 1: of money you need to put a down payment on
Speaker 1: a home to live comfortably, for sure. And this is
Speaker 1: like on average what people typically would have to do. Now,
Speaker 1: I for one, would not want to live with my
Speaker 1: in laws for five years. You and I have traveled
Speaker 1: back home multiple times when we were in the NFL,
Speaker 1: And now when I'm at your parents house for longer
Speaker 1: than five days, you and I be over it. When
Speaker 1: we're at my parents house for more than five days,
Speaker 1: were over it because because over it, because our parents there,
Speaker 1: that's their homes and they have their their like I said,
Speaker 1: people had their isms and the like. One time I'll
Speaker 1: never forget when I stayed at vos parents house for
Speaker 1: the summer, I was pregnant because our apartment was being renovated.
Speaker 1: So we're at Devo's parents house and I warmed up
Speaker 1: something in the in the oven and the pot that
Speaker 1: I warmed it up in had like residue and it
Speaker 1: was like stuck on grease and stuff. So I, because
Speaker 1: I was rushing to take Jack into school, I said,
Speaker 1: let me put this in the sink and like put
Speaker 1: some soap in it, some hot water so it can
Speaker 1: just sit. So it could just sit, so that way
Speaker 1: it'll be easier to wash when I get back. I
Speaker 1: didn't come right back because I ran some errands. So
Speaker 1: there was the pot in a fork in the sink.
Speaker 1: Took a picture of the pot and the fork in
Speaker 1: the sink and sent it to us in the group
Speaker 1: chat with these words, and was like, the rule in
Speaker 1: this house is that dishes don't spend more than one
Speaker 1: hour in the sink. Please wash this, and and and
Speaker 1: then it was I shouldn't have to come home to
Speaker 1: all all these dishes, all these dishes, all two of
Speaker 1: these dishes, all both of them. And I was like what.
Speaker 1: And when I'm staying at somebody else's house, I am
Speaker 1: very cognizant of the fact that it's not my space.
Speaker 1: So I tried to make sure that I keep things
Speaker 1: in line. I contribute, I'll clean up the common areas,
Speaker 1: I'll sweep, i'll mop I'll do certain things. So I
Speaker 1: was like, it's about we got we got a high
Speaker 1: tail it out of your parents. The case today with
Speaker 1: your father, this caused the riff about this one pot
Speaker 1: in the sink. See, but this caused a riff with
Speaker 1: us because I grew up with the man so where
Speaker 1: she was just like, she was just like and I
Speaker 1: was just like, I was like, why would you leave
Speaker 1: the dishes in the sink? Like you already noticed take
Speaker 1: five minutes and wash the dish. So now me and
Speaker 1: her are arguing because of my father's rules that in
Speaker 1: our house it wouldn't have been a big deal, but
Speaker 1: now since we had to adhere to the rules of
Speaker 1: our parents, it caused a risk in our marriage. And
Speaker 1: as much as you would think, like, hey, it's only
Speaker 1: ten months, this won't be a problem, that will definitely
Speaker 1: at some point cause a problem. I get what you're
Speaker 1: trying to say, and I get what you're smart. She's
Speaker 1: smart for thinking in the financial mindset saying we can
Speaker 1: save money, but realistically it's not gonna be ten months.
Speaker 1: It's like, sometimes you're sanity is priceless, and this may
Speaker 1: be a thing where you have to kind of just
Speaker 1: see how are we going to be able to other ways?
Speaker 1: Don't go on vacation for three years, Um, cut your experiences,
Speaker 1: don't go out you know if you have, If he
Speaker 1: has to pick up a second shift somewhere, do whatever
Speaker 1: you gotta do. Because Codeine and I did that. Let
Speaker 1: that be your last resort. If you can make it work.
Speaker 1: If you can make it work, fine, since I get it.
Speaker 1: I'm comfortable in my parents space, but you're not necessarily
Speaker 1: always that way. I'm not comfortable in anybody. I'm not
Speaker 1: comfortable in my parents. That's true. He needs his own
Speaker 1: four walls for sure. All Right, So that brings us
Speaker 1: the question number three. I'll read this one. Okay, go
Speaker 1: for it. I've known my girlfriend for about eight years now,
Speaker 1: but we've been dating for a little over a year now.
Speaker 1: Something is good. Um, everything is good, and we're learning
Speaker 1: to talk throughout issues. My biggest issue is that her
Speaker 1: mom has still not fully accepted me. I have no
Speaker 1: idea why, because I've never disrespected her, her house, or
Speaker 1: her daughter. Funny, we were just talking about this. My
Speaker 1: question is what should I do about this? Part of
Speaker 1: me doesn't want to care because I'm not dating her.
Speaker 1: I'm dating her daughter. At the same time, I want
Speaker 1: to marry my girl one day, so I know I
Speaker 1: have to be around her mom. How should I go
Speaker 1: about handling this situation? Well, brother, it was like you
Speaker 1: were in you were in our space this past weekend
Speaker 1: because we were just having this conversation literally with our
Speaker 1: family and um some of our siblings and stuff, and
Speaker 1: just talking about how easy or not easy it is
Speaker 1: to infuse somebody else into a family or to have
Speaker 1: that you know, relationship that you can potentially build with
Speaker 1: a significant others parents. It's difficult because I know Devot
Speaker 1: in the very beginning when he came around. There was
Speaker 1: about two years that Devot did not come to my
Speaker 1: house because he felt as if, I'm a good dude,
Speaker 1: I come from a good family, I'm good to your daughter,
Speaker 1: but you're still giving me a hard way to go.
Speaker 1: So you know what, Okay, I'm not coming around because
Speaker 1: I don't have to deal with this. And he would
Speaker 1: talk about former, you know, situations he was in where
Speaker 1: everybody just loved Devoo. But my mom pretty much point
Speaker 1: blank said to me, you could have walked through the
Speaker 1: door with Jesus, I don't care. And that was how
Speaker 1: she felt about it and sometimes, brother, it's not you
Speaker 1: and you you have to sometimes take into consideration what
Speaker 1: may be causing her mom to feel this way. Why
Speaker 1: is she not interested in getting to know you? Is
Speaker 1: the daughter the only child you know, and she may
Speaker 1: feel like she's losing her daughter to this man. There
Speaker 1: can be so many different reasons as to why she's
Speaker 1: not comfortable. Allow me to allow to provide some perspective. Okay,
Speaker 1: you know I love your mom, but um oh, we
Speaker 1: preface it with that. Being a young man eighteen years old,
Speaker 1: I was introduced to her mom during the time where
Speaker 1: Kadean was transitioning from one school to the next. Right,
Speaker 1: So I know myself. I know that I'm a hard worker,
Speaker 1: I get good grades, I'm a Division one athlete. I
Speaker 1: come from a good family. My first door process is
Speaker 1: why would a mom not appreciate me being around their daughter?
Speaker 1: Then I had kids, right, Imagine you're eighteen, nineteen year
Speaker 1: old daughter. It's going to another college with a boy.
Speaker 1: There's so many things that can happen there. The only
Speaker 1: thing you're thinking about is is this boy going to
Speaker 1: be a distraction for my daughter? And then at the
Speaker 1: time I was thinking about none of this I was
Speaker 1: thinking aboutself, I'm a good guy, you know, why why
Speaker 1: would she be doing this to me? Because I didn't
Speaker 1: remove myself from the situation and think about how she
Speaker 1: went into it. On top of that, Codeine's mom came
Speaker 1: to this country at seventeen, met her dad, and the
Speaker 1: two of them built what they had together. So for
Speaker 1: her mom, what I realized that when you make these
Speaker 1: decisions about who you're going to spend your time with,
Speaker 1: those people are gonna put you on the path of
Speaker 1: where the rest of your life can got potentially, so
Speaker 1: mothers are not gonna be just accepting of anybody who
Speaker 1: walks in the door without learning them first. And you said,
Speaker 1: you've known your girl for eight years and known for
Speaker 1: eight years, but only been dating for a year. So
Speaker 1: I'm wondering at what point he was introduced to the
Speaker 1: family were 'all dating and you weren't introduced or you know,
Speaker 1: because if it's just a year, that's still still very
Speaker 1: very still. And you also have to ask yourself, if
Speaker 1: you've known her mom or known her family, what behavior
Speaker 1: did you exhibit prior to y'all dating that she may
Speaker 1: have inhibitions about you dating her daughter, Because that also happens.
Speaker 1: If parents have known you for a long time, or
Speaker 1: knowing you and seeing you with a bunch of different
Speaker 1: girls or seeing you around, they may be like, oh,
Speaker 1: I don't want my daughter just to be another one
Speaker 1: of the girls that he's day. Yeah, they may not
Speaker 1: understand how your relationship evolved into what it is today.
Speaker 1: That's also a pility. There are a ton of things
Speaker 1: you have to think about as a man going into
Speaker 1: this situation, not just oh, she don't like me. I'm
Speaker 1: telling everybody this right now. If you date my son's
Speaker 1: one of my sons, I'm not gonna like you. I'm
Speaker 1: not gonna like you. I don't care. That's one thing
Speaker 1: that devoted out United on when it comes to our boys.
Speaker 1: We don't like nobody. I don't like. No, you're gonna
Speaker 1: have to prove to me because and as a parent,
Speaker 1: I will understand how CA's mom games. I've worked my
Speaker 1: ass off to try to give my kids everything they
Speaker 1: put them in a position to be successful. Anything that
Speaker 1: comes in the way that might be a distraction. I'm
Speaker 1: not liking you. You're so right, You're sorry. As a mom,
Speaker 1: now I totally see it. When you become a parent
Speaker 1: and They always say, it's like the cycle of life.
Speaker 1: It's like, you won't understand until you're a parent. How
Speaker 1: many times have both of our parents said that to
Speaker 1: us throughout life? They still say that, They still say,
Speaker 1: you just won't understand. And now it's like, you won't
Speaker 1: understand until Jackson's a teenager. You won't understand until Jackson.
Speaker 1: My mom just said it the other day when it
Speaker 1: came time to, you know, arranging room situations where who
Speaker 1: was going to sleep where you know that the people
Speaker 1: who weren't married. My mother is not comfortable with them
Speaker 1: sleeping together in the same room together, right, And it's
Speaker 1: just that she's just like, well, when when your kids
Speaker 1: are that age, you'll understand. And I'm like, you know what, Mom,
Speaker 1: you're probably probably right. You're probably absolutely right, because we
Speaker 1: may probably be hard to deal with. And then you know,
Speaker 1: Jackson Cayrone Cast will have their podcast later wherever they
Speaker 1: answer that questions and they're like, you know what, my
Speaker 1: parents are absolutely crazy, absolutely crazy. I'll say all of
Speaker 1: this to say this, if that woman you're dating is
Speaker 1: worth it, it will be worth putting in the work
Speaker 1: to show her mom that you can be valued and
Speaker 1: trusted as a man, because listen to this as men
Speaker 1: in this society, right, they owe this big words, a
Speaker 1: button hot but topic that will probably do a podcast
Speaker 1: on call submission right where they're always saying that, oh,
Speaker 1: women should be submissive. In the Bible says women should
Speaker 1: be submissive to their man. Right, we know that that's antiquated.
Speaker 1: Fantasi just talked about it. But think about this, right,
Speaker 1: anybody who's going to submit to anybody has to trust
Speaker 1: that that person is in a leadership position, trust that
Speaker 1: they can they can trust that person as a leader.
Speaker 1: And you showing that you can get her mom to
Speaker 1: trust you, you're showing the woman that you're dating that
Speaker 1: she can trust you. And when it's time to make
Speaker 1: decisions in your household as the leader, should then feel
Speaker 1: comfortable trusting you because you've gained her mom's trust. So
Speaker 1: if she's worth it, put the work in because it'll
Speaker 1: work out in the long run. And I can think
Speaker 1: of it on the I can speak to the flip
Speaker 1: side of that. I was so sure about who devours
Speaker 1: a person as a person. I was sure about his character.
Speaker 1: I was very sure about his ambition, his work ethic,
Speaker 1: where he was going in life. So then I found
Speaker 1: that it was my responsibility and my test because I
Speaker 1: know my mom and I know my parents best to
Speaker 1: speak to that and to not shy away from it
Speaker 1: and you know, avoid the conversation per se. Because we
Speaker 1: actually have a friend that you know, it was in
Speaker 1: a relationship with someone and his girlfriend avoided the conversations
Speaker 1: with her parents because she was so worried about what
Speaker 1: her parents would say, and she didn't want to ruffle
Speaker 1: her parents feathers, or she just wasn't used to speaking
Speaker 1: up for herself. So in turn, he was like this
Speaker 1: undercover boyfriend and never became until, you know, known until
Speaker 1: it was time for him to propose, and then it
Speaker 1: was this awkward conversation because the parents didn't even know
Speaker 1: he existed. So I think it's her responsibility because she
Speaker 1: knows her parents is UM's, you know, and she may
Speaker 1: know the best way to communicate with them and get
Speaker 1: through to them to let them know, you know what.
Speaker 1: I love this man. He's an amazing guy. This is
Speaker 1: what he's doing. Just give him a chance, Just give
Speaker 1: him a chance. And it's funny you say that, because
Speaker 1: it comes full circle. We talked about submission in a relationship,
Speaker 1: being a leader of being in the leader leadership position,
Speaker 1: also knowing when to defer when it's not your fight.
Speaker 1: Me being a leader in my relationship, knowing when things
Speaker 1: are best fought from my wife to handle. Just because
Speaker 1: you're de leted on mean you gotta make all the
Speaker 1: final decisions. That's your girlfriend's mother. Let her get involved
Speaker 1: and let and she'll let you know when it will
Speaker 1: be the best opportunities to put you for forward and
Speaker 1: continue to move forward and building that relationship. I do that,
Speaker 1: wikadine all the time. When things are outside of my
Speaker 1: outside of my scope of knowledge or my scope of work,
Speaker 1: I'll say the case sometime yo, yo, that is not
Speaker 1: in my prey grade. You don't have to handle that.
Speaker 1: Whatever you think is the best thing to do. We're
Speaker 1: rocking with that. This is a great time for you
Speaker 1: to as a couple to learn how to navigate situations together.
Speaker 1: That's her mom, but you have to fight for her
Speaker 1: respect and her trust. Learn how to do that together,
Speaker 1: and that will teach you, guys, as a couple, how
Speaker 1: to handle other situations in life Like that was a
Speaker 1: great point you said, didn't even think about that as
Speaker 1: as a woman, like that's your mom. You have to
Speaker 1: stand up and say to your mom like, Yo, this
Speaker 1: is the man and I'm in love with And she
Speaker 1: has to do that. She has to stand woman up.
Speaker 1: She got a woman up. My conversation with my mom
Speaker 1: went a little something like you and dad have equipped
Speaker 1: me with a moral compass, with the discernment to know
Speaker 1: right from wrong. So I would I would love if
Speaker 1: you can just lean on that and have confidence in
Speaker 1: the fact that I will not be involved with or
Speaker 1: bring someone around the family who I felt did not
Speaker 1: match that, who didn't come from a family that exhibited
Speaker 1: the same characteristics. And yeah, I had to have like
Speaker 1: And it wasn't like a whiny conversation. It wasn't a screaming.
Speaker 1: It was very direct. And I feel like approaching her
Speaker 1: like that gave my parents a level of respect that, Wow,
Speaker 1: Canine's actually like speaking to us like a grown up.
Speaker 1: You remember when you had this conversation with her, the
Speaker 1: time the trip to Jamaica. Let me tell your funny story, right,
Speaker 1: don't go into Jamaica. Right this one spring break in
Speaker 1: college and two years in college, that's when you stopped
Speaker 1: coming around. Yes, this is when I stopped coming around, Right,
Speaker 1: It was just us too. And I told my dad
Speaker 1: that I was going to Jamaica, and you know, he
Speaker 1: booked the tickets and stuff like that, and he didn't
Speaker 1: ask me no questions. He's like, you're going to Jamaica,
Speaker 1: like me and cade a couple of friends going blah
Speaker 1: blah blah. So Kay told her mom that me and
Speaker 1: her we're going to Jamaica, right. And the funny thing was,
Speaker 1: whenever you plan these trips, when you and your girlfriend,
Speaker 1: it always talks with a group of friends. Then one
Speaker 1: friend dropped out, his brother friend dropped out, and then
Speaker 1: about three days before I leave, it just had everybody.
Speaker 1: Jeff was just us. We already bought the tickets. So
Speaker 1: my father had already purchased the tickets for us. He
Speaker 1: was a gift for me for spring break. And then
Speaker 1: we're at her parents house and her mom, you know,
Speaker 1: it's very quiet, and she's just like still, that's going
Speaker 1: away on vacation together. And I'm just like, okay, this
Speaker 1: is getting awkward, right. So then she's like devout, you know,
Speaker 1: how do you feel about me letting my daughter go
Speaker 1: away on vacation with this? Why? Some why? And I'm
Speaker 1: like she definitely pulled out the way. She got very
Speaker 1: Jamaican on him. I will say, and I'm just looking
Speaker 1: at Codeine like and and she did say, um, Codeine,
Speaker 1: I mean, you know, I don't understand why you would
Speaker 1: feel as if a girl of your caliber would allow
Speaker 1: for some some men to take you away on vacation.
Speaker 1: What will I say to your grandmother? What will I
Speaker 1: say to your aunts and uncle's when they ask where
Speaker 1: is Cadine for spring break? And I was like, you
Speaker 1: don't gotta tell them nothing, like why did you why
Speaker 1: did you I to be in my business? Though? So?
Speaker 1: Why did you feel like you gotta my shoulders? You
Speaker 1: see how my shoulders are touching my ears right now?
Speaker 1: I was like, yeah, why do you have to even
Speaker 1: tell my business? And I had my hand on her
Speaker 1: shoulder to bring your shoulders down and bring your should
Speaker 1: was starting to get I was making it hot and
Speaker 1: my voice got a little high, and then my mom
Speaker 1: hit me with the who are you talking to? And
Speaker 1: then at that point I said, At that point, I
Speaker 1: was like, y'all think my father's outside, got up, walked
Speaker 1: right out the door. I didn't look back because she
Speaker 1: was like the last time I checked two women cannot
Speaker 1: live in the same house together. Up. I don't know
Speaker 1: what happened to that. I was going, I was here,
Speaker 1: we go, I walked to my house and we didn't
Speaker 1: go on vacation. We didn't go on vacation. Thank god
Speaker 1: your father got trip insurance. Because I tried to hit
Speaker 1: her with the but his dad already spent the money
Speaker 1: on it. She said, we'll give him back every red cent.
Speaker 1: I would give it back to him because I can
Speaker 1: do that. And I'm just like, damn, so there's no
Speaker 1: way around it, and were nowhere around it exactly. And
Speaker 1: then I said, I didn't even have to tell your mother.
Speaker 1: We could have just went like see, And I was
Speaker 1: just trying to be honestly. She liked the country. I
Speaker 1: can't leave the country and not tell mama. You see,
Speaker 1: she raised me right, but in turn, we couldn't go
Speaker 1: nowhere right. She raised you right. But she still owe
Speaker 1: my father forge and sixty three cents. And you know
Speaker 1: your father Gonace don't cover all that frugal Frank gonna
Speaker 1: ask for it keeping the tab. But we say all
Speaker 1: that to say in the end, her mom lives with
Speaker 1: us now was we relocated. She's great with the kids
Speaker 1: may don't have a great relationship, but we went through
Speaker 1: those times, and that was two years of us dating.
Speaker 1: We went through those times, definitely. We didn't speak for
Speaker 1: two months two years after. I didn't go by a
Speaker 1: parent's house, and it took time for her to learn
Speaker 1: to trust me and to prove to her that I
Speaker 1: was worthy of her daughter's caliber. And it was worth
Speaker 1: it because now we were great. You know, it was great.
Speaker 1: I was dating a man of similar caliber. I don't
Speaker 1: know where your mother she'd be having these words. The
Speaker 1: caliber auspicious, you know, very western in very Jamaican terms
Speaker 1: and stuff. All right, so we're gonna take a quick
Speaker 1: break and we have more listening about us coming up
Speaker 1: after we get into some say to this for the record,
Speaker 1: there it is a win for the ages. Tiger Woods
Speaker 1: is one of our most inspiring sports icons. In his story,
Speaker 1: it comes with many chapters. I am deeply sorry from
Speaker 1: my irresponsible and selfish behavior, but here it is the
Speaker 1: return to glory. This is All American, a new series
Speaker 1: from Stitcher hosted by me Jordan Bell. You realized Tiger
Speaker 1: Wood doesn't know who he is best in the history
Speaker 1: of Gaul, No question in my mind. And this season,
Speaker 1: with the help of journalist Albert Chen, we're asking what
Speaker 1: if the story of Tiger Woods that the media has
Speaker 1: been telling, what if it's been completely wrong? All American
Speaker 1: Tiger is out now. Listen and Stitcher, Apple Podcasts, or
Speaker 1: your favorite podcast app. All right, thanks for sticking with us.
Speaker 1: We're back with some more listeners. Like these are some
Speaker 1: good letters that we've gotten in and we were just
Speaker 1: sifting through a ton of them, so there are so
Speaker 1: many good ones in here. Let's go into question number four.
Speaker 1: All right, So I've been dealing with a guy for
Speaker 1: almost three years. He is a provider to himself and
Speaker 1: two children who are not his. I can go to
Speaker 1: him and talk to him about anything because our communication
Speaker 1: is great. He encourages me and supports me and everything
Speaker 1: I choose to do. The only problem is he has
Speaker 1: a girlfriends and she has been around before and since
Speaker 1: we've been talking. So she's been around before and since
Speaker 1: we've been talking. Okay, I have tried to talk to
Speaker 1: other guys, but it never seems to work with them.
Speaker 1: They're just not on his level. I'm stuck because I
Speaker 1: know it may never go anywhere, But at the same time,
Speaker 1: I haven't come into contact with anyone who matches what
Speaker 1: he does. I'm lost. So she decide chick you the
Speaker 1: side pieces, she the side chick or is she just
Speaker 1: someone who No? She decide chick. She said, I'm dealing
Speaker 1: with the guy for almost three years to my to
Speaker 1: myself and two children who are not his, so she
Speaker 1: he probably I didn't know what the dealing. Dealing can
Speaker 1: mean so many things nowadays, dealing. Is it sexual or
Speaker 1: is it dealing like years? How you deal with somebody bro?
Speaker 1: Because I was family. Had to read it over, like
Speaker 1: what provider to myself and two children who are not his?
Speaker 1: She didn't say two children that were hers? Two children
Speaker 1: that are not his. I'm going to talk about anything
Speaker 1: because our communications great. He encourages me and supports me
Speaker 1: everything I choose to do. The only problem is he
Speaker 1: has a girlfriend, so it's probably his girlfriend's two kids.
Speaker 1: So he's helps his girlfriend with two kids. But she's
Speaker 1: a side chick. It's funny, though, she says. The only
Speaker 1: problem is he has a girlfriend and she has been
Speaker 1: around before me and since we've been talking. You know,
Speaker 1: let's cut your losses booth. Listen the friendly around before
Speaker 1: you and while you. So clearly she's been his girlfriend, right,
Speaker 1: you haven't changed his mind about nothing, So hold on that.
Speaker 1: We just got to go back because back how she
Speaker 1: framed the question. She framed the question is if she
Speaker 1: was a girlfriend, And this, in part is the problem,
Speaker 1: all right, people put themselves in these relationships exactly because
Speaker 1: he's not in a relationship with her. She clearly knows
Speaker 1: what's going on. Oh I know this guy, I love him.
Speaker 1: But the problem is he got a girlfriend and she
Speaker 1: got two kids. Like, if you think about the fact
Speaker 1: that you say that out loud, you know what I'm saying.
Speaker 1: This is not a two way street here, not a
Speaker 1: two way sis. I dealing with him and providing for
Speaker 1: you and whoever these other children are, whether it's yours
Speaker 1: or hers or somebody else's. Sounds like he's a great
Speaker 1: provider and he's a nice guy. But what are you
Speaker 1: looking for She's not because she clearly said that she
Speaker 1: dates and she even said it, I've dated other guys,
Speaker 1: which means they don't have a relationship. But maybe you're
Speaker 1: connected to him and he's not connected to you. And
Speaker 1: if that's the case, that's a problem. Mhm. Listen. The
Speaker 1: bottom line is she's a side check man, and she
Speaker 1: caught feelings. This is very this is very clear. She
Speaker 1: the side chick and she caught feelings. And now she
Speaker 1: compares every guy that she dates to him, which is
Speaker 1: a lose lose for her because no, no other guy
Speaker 1: gets a fear shot. Right. But then I can understand
Speaker 1: when you feel like, damn, I found the one, when
Speaker 1: you're not the one, when you're not the one to
Speaker 1: the one, this is the problem. This is the problem.
Speaker 1: And this is what I've been telling my friends about
Speaker 1: side checks. This is what they got to understand about
Speaker 1: side checks. Right. Side checks always feel that you're the one.
Speaker 1: You want to know what side aways feel like you're
Speaker 1: the one. They get the best of you. They deal
Speaker 1: with you on the side, not that you're worst. They
Speaker 1: only deal with you in a moment of escape, in
Speaker 1: a moment of or dice. So they of course they
Speaker 1: feel like they get they get the best of you, right,
Speaker 1: They don't get with you when you're upset and you're
Speaker 1: coming home and you're dealing with this or dealing with
Speaker 1: bills and stuff like that. They get the part that
Speaker 1: everybody loves to deal with and they fall in love
Speaker 1: with that and This is what I try to tell
Speaker 1: some of my friends. When you only provide that to
Speaker 1: a person, they're going to fall in love with that,
Speaker 1: and more than likely that you know what I'm saying.
Speaker 1: On the flip side, I've known some females who have
Speaker 1: been in situations like that and yeah, that's that escape life.
Speaker 1: But I've also said what happens when you throw real
Speaker 1: world situations into everything you have. Friend, she's a woman,
Speaker 1: and she had a side dude, and he was married.
Speaker 1: She was a sign dude. So the two of them
Speaker 1: when they were with each other away from their spouses,
Speaker 1: everything was perfect, perfect. Right the minute they left their
Speaker 1: spouses and started really getting in a relationship, it didn't work.
Speaker 1: It did not work because that's what happens. And that's
Speaker 1: what she needs to realize, is that even if he
Speaker 1: leaves his girl friend with two kids and starts dating
Speaker 1: you for real, you're not probably gonna like that person
Speaker 1: that you get as much as you liked them when
Speaker 1: you are only getting them at that part time. And
Speaker 1: that's what people situation. So people need to understand it happens,
Speaker 1: and it happens to everybody. Happens to the best of people. Yo,
Speaker 1: I don't know. Since you said I'm lost, find yourself,
Speaker 1: I think you found be found and find your way
Speaker 1: out of that situation, because the feelings are going to
Speaker 1: continue to grow, and then you might start doing things
Speaker 1: out of character. And you know, honesty is an illusion.
Speaker 1: What you think you have with him is an illusion
Speaker 1: because he's in a whole other relationship with a woman
Speaker 1: with two kids, so you don't you don't get all
Speaker 1: the brunt of everything else that he deals with. So
Speaker 1: you think that you love this man, And like you said, Codeine,
Speaker 1: no other man is going to stand up to that
Speaker 1: because you only get him in paradise, and you won't
Speaker 1: give the other guys a fair chance to really prove
Speaker 1: to what to you what they're capable of. But even
Speaker 1: when she gets them in a fair chance, she's given
Speaker 1: a guy a fair chance. She's getting the paradise from
Speaker 1: that guy and the other parts that this guy never
Speaker 1: has to show her. You see what I'm saying through dating,
Speaker 1: because she's not dating him. If she if he has
Speaker 1: a whole girlfriend with two kids, he don't got time
Speaker 1: to date her. He just provides for her and does
Speaker 1: all those all the nice stuff. She gets to twenty,
Speaker 1: she gets to twenty from him, she gets to twenty,
Speaker 1: she gets a hunting from everybody else and other stuff
Speaker 1: is what turns off. Those guys probably are just as
Speaker 1: good guys, maybe even better. But because she gets all
Speaker 1: the aspects of those guys, then she's just like, I'm
Speaker 1: turned off because this guy is just perfect. She gotta
Speaker 1: let that go. Since you gotta let that go if you,
Speaker 1: if you really feel like you want to find somebody
Speaker 1: that you can have your own relationship with, you gotta
Speaker 1: let him go right in its entirety too, because I'm
Speaker 1: sure there's you're missing something here. Clearly you're missing something here. Deficit.
Speaker 1: As great as he is, there's a deficit because she's
Speaker 1: still dating other guys, still running draft. Yeah, that's the
Speaker 1: way she framed that question was hilarious though she framed
Speaker 1: it she was the girlfriend. Yeah, the only problem and
Speaker 1: kids question number five, Me and my husband caught my
Speaker 1: father cheating on my mother. Oh oh, let me go back.
Speaker 1: Me and me and my husband quote my father cheating
Speaker 1: on my mother about a year ago, not the first time.
Speaker 1: We confronted him about it and told my mother, And
Speaker 1: I don't know how they resolved. They don't know they
Speaker 1: don't want to talk about it. They figured it out. Okay,
Speaker 1: here we are again. My mother is hinting at me
Speaker 1: that she thinks he's cheating, and my husband, I see
Speaker 1: clues that he might be. He's a trucker and loves
Speaker 1: posting his life on Facebook. But when he when his
Speaker 1: trips are delayed, he's silent and tells mom not to
Speaker 1: call him because he's uncomfortable talking on the phone with
Speaker 1: his passenger with him do uh? He won't tell her
Speaker 1: who the passenger is. Problem is, my mother is like
Speaker 1: Knee's mother. She hates competition and she throws everything under
Speaker 1: the bus under the rug. And my father is domineering
Speaker 1: and he's encouraging her to throw his actions under the rug.
Speaker 1: But it's making my mother irritable and snappy towards everyone,
Speaker 1: even my kids. While my father is happy, it makes
Speaker 1: me and my husband very uncomfortable. I'm the only child
Speaker 1: and they are there are only village. What should we do,
Speaker 1: if anything at all, to try to bring peace back?
Speaker 1: Is there a way to help prevent the same thing
Speaker 1: happening again next year? Oh gosh, that's wow. That's all.
Speaker 1: That made me a little sad. That made me a
Speaker 1: little sad. That is a super deep question. Um. And
Speaker 1: seeing as though you're the only child, I know it's
Speaker 1: hard because I know, like for example me, I have
Speaker 1: my siblings where if something goes wrong or there's like
Speaker 1: a parent issue that's happening, you can kind of find
Speaker 1: refuge and speak to you know, your your siblings, and
Speaker 1: you guys can kind of have to try to rally
Speaker 1: around on your parents if you needed to. But it's
Speaker 1: also super hard because I think in this circumstance, your
Speaker 1: parents are adults. Um, they're your parents, So there's this
Speaker 1: level of like a respect quote unquote or like a
Speaker 1: platform that I know for me, I used to put
Speaker 1: my parents on like my parents can do no wrong.
Speaker 1: You know, they see no wrong that you know, they're
Speaker 1: just like these perfect individuals. And sometimes it's hard when
Speaker 1: you see that your parents are not you know, they're
Speaker 1: human and they're not doing things that you always thought
Speaker 1: would be you know, super super clean. Um. That being said,
Speaker 1: I think it's unfair for your mom to then be
Speaker 1: taking that out on everybody else because you ain't saying
Speaker 1: not her, nor nor is your husband, and it's really
Speaker 1: really hard for her. And if it's something if it's
Speaker 1: a conversation that your mom is making you privy to,
Speaker 1: meaning she's hinting at you that he's doing again doing it.
Speaker 1: And again I think you need to be open with
Speaker 1: your mom as well and let her know that she
Speaker 1: cannot take that out on you or your spouse and
Speaker 1: then drive a wedge between your relationship because she has
Speaker 1: an issue with your dad, because your dad is clearly
Speaker 1: doing his own thing, you know, I mean, for the
Speaker 1: whole scenario of him being on the road and he
Speaker 1: can't talk because of his passenger and stuff like that
Speaker 1: in itself just throws red flags all over. This is
Speaker 1: the first thing. And once again, I'm not a I'm
Speaker 1: not a therapist, and I'm not an expert, but what
Speaker 1: it sounds like to me is there may be a
Speaker 1: little bit of abuse there, because you know how they
Speaker 1: say how the abuse always runs back and defends the abuser, right,
Speaker 1: They said they called him once, they told the mom him,
Speaker 1: and the mom dealt with it, kept it quiet, you
Speaker 1: know what what I'm saying, They dealt with it. Now she's
Speaker 1: hinting back at it to the to the daughter, but
Speaker 1: she's not saying it directly the daughter and the husband,
Speaker 1: the son in law found out right. It may be
Speaker 1: a thing where the mom doesn't have anyone else to
Speaker 1: speak to about it, may be embarrassed, so hinting at
Speaker 1: the daughter also maybe a cry for help, maybe a
Speaker 1: cry for help, and it may be in the daughter's
Speaker 1: best interest to um find another It sounds bad, but
Speaker 1: I mean it's just if your mom is crying off help,
Speaker 1: she may want to be out of that situation, and
Speaker 1: you may have to find a way to get her
Speaker 1: out of that situation. If if it's that bad, Now,
Speaker 1: this is what I think they should do. This is
Speaker 1: what I would do if it was me. It was me,
Speaker 1: I wouldn't talk to my mom about it. I talked directly.
Speaker 1: I'm not going to talk to my mom about it.
Speaker 1: This is not my mom's issue. I caught you, I saw,
Speaker 1: I saw this right, this is what I saw. This
Speaker 1: is what I saw. And as the father, and this
Speaker 1: is what comes back to being the leader in the household. Right,
Speaker 1: too much is given, much is respected, too much, too
Speaker 1: much is given, much is expected. Heavy. As the head
Speaker 1: that lies the crown, you have to own this and
Speaker 1: deal with it. Right, You're gonna have to make a
Speaker 1: decision either You're going to do the right thing my
Speaker 1: mom and make sure everything is happy in the house,
Speaker 1: because what your actions are trickling down on you and
Speaker 1: your grandkids. If you're not willing to do that, I'm
Speaker 1: gonna have to take the responsibility to protect my wife,
Speaker 1: you know what I'm saying, my kids and remove us,
Speaker 1: including her, from this situation. That's how I would deal
Speaker 1: with it, and it would probably be more more hurtful
Speaker 1: for the father to know that now my daughter and
Speaker 1: her family is not going to detach for me and
Speaker 1: my wife because they don't want to be subjected to that. Um.
Speaker 1: I think it's also to a generational thing when I
Speaker 1: look at this scenario where, for example, with me seeking
Speaker 1: or being the pillar of communication or trying to help
Speaker 1: my parents problem solved with something that was always told
Speaker 1: that I should stay away from. Like you're the child,
Speaker 1: so regardless of how old you are, you don't know
Speaker 1: about grown folks stuff, which is true, and you should
Speaker 1: not pique your nose in or give your opinion to
Speaker 1: grown for stuff. Like back in the day when grown
Speaker 1: folks were having a conversation, I could not be hanging around.
Speaker 1: I was sent to another room and nobody wanted to
Speaker 1: hear my two cents, because I'm not talking to you,
Speaker 1: and growing up around that culture, I can see where
Speaker 1: it would be difficult to maybe then speak to your
Speaker 1: parents as an adult and an observer and say, I
Speaker 1: see that you're doing X, Y Z wrong, you know,
Speaker 1: and kind of putting them out there like putting them
Speaker 1: on blasts and saying, this is what we've witnessed. Can
Speaker 1: we speak about this? But seeing as though as your parents,
Speaker 1: naturally that's the struggle. Because you care so much about
Speaker 1: your parents as a couple, you care about them as individuals,
Speaker 1: you care about their health and their well being. That
Speaker 1: would be my struggle of how to maneuver that, but
Speaker 1: will still founding respectful and being respectful to them in
Speaker 1: their relationship, but also to giving my two cents, You're
Speaker 1: absolutely right, and this is what I'll say about that.
Speaker 1: Especially you never you never interject your yourself into another
Speaker 1: couple's marriage. You never do that. I never do that.
Speaker 1: But if their marriage is being interjected into your life.
Speaker 1: For example, they said that this grandfather and grandmother is
Speaker 1: the only village they have, which means these are the
Speaker 1: only people who watch their children. And the way you're
Speaker 1: behaving is affecting the way she's affecting my children. I
Speaker 1: have to step in as a parent to protect my kids.
Speaker 1: There's nothing gonna stop me from interjecting to protect my kids.
Speaker 1: I don't care who you are. If my parents are
Speaker 1: misbehaving or behaving poorly and it's gonna affect my children,
Speaker 1: toxic environment for your kids, exactly, I have the right
Speaker 1: to step in and say something. Now, if my kids
Speaker 1: weren't there and it was no issues, and they'll had
Speaker 1: y'all issues and we found out about it, you know,
Speaker 1: you need to handle that, bro. But since my kids
Speaker 1: are there and it's become an issue where the way
Speaker 1: she behaves around my children, I gotta say something. I
Speaker 1: have to. If it's my parents, I have to. Like
Speaker 1: I said, if my kids aren't there, hey, I heard
Speaker 1: about this, yo, y'all gotta deal with that, I throw
Speaker 1: my hands up. I'm not interject there myself into other
Speaker 1: people's marriage. But something like that, and you know, it sounds,
Speaker 1: even in the language the way she wrote the letter,
Speaker 1: my father's domineering. My mom likes to sweep stuff under
Speaker 1: the ruck. It does sound kind of like my mother
Speaker 1: just gonna do whatever my father say. But then she
Speaker 1: takes that behavior and puts it on the grandchildren, that
Speaker 1: means something's upsetting her a lot. You know what I'm saying, right,
Speaker 1: And that could be allow to deal with you in itself,
Speaker 1: Like nobody wants to be around somebody who's and you're
Speaker 1: snapping at me for not even something I did, but
Speaker 1: you're snapping at me because you're in an overall bad
Speaker 1: mood because your husband's on the road. You're doing this thing. Yeah,
Speaker 1: and at this point you definitely have to say something
Speaker 1: respectfully but spectfully to that. And if you say something
Speaker 1: to dad and he's I don't care that of mond
Speaker 1: your business. And you say something to your mom and
Speaker 1: she decides to continue to exist in that environment, you
Speaker 1: may have to remove your children from that environment and
Speaker 1: remove yourself and find somewhere else. And maybe that could
Speaker 1: be the lesson to teach your mom to stand up
Speaker 1: or to show your your father that you know what,
Speaker 1: I'm losing out of my family with my behavior, because
Speaker 1: sometimes it takes that for them to realize they lost something.
Speaker 1: It's true, you know, but you I would definitely say
Speaker 1: something to dad, Like if Dad is domineering, you know,
Speaker 1: I would say something to him and I think, I mean,
Speaker 1: I'm not sure how every father daughter relationship is, but
Speaker 1: I feel like if I went to my dad, if
Speaker 1: I was infusing this into my life, and I went
Speaker 1: to my dad as a daughter like daddy, like, you know,
Speaker 1: being able to kind of break him down a bit
Speaker 1: because she says she's the only child. Maybe he'll respect
Speaker 1: that coming from her, or maybe it may embarrass him
Speaker 1: a bit to see like, oh my goodness, I can't
Speaker 1: believe like I've been so sloppy and my actions are
Speaker 1: now affecting everybody, and my daughter knows what's going on.
Speaker 1: Maybe he may take that approach. Maybe he may maybe
Speaker 1: so dominaring that he don't want to hear it either.
Speaker 1: And like Devout said, in that circumstance, you already have
Speaker 1: a husband. You ain't trying to be be nobody else's
Speaker 1: wife either. You have your own issues to deal with
Speaker 1: as well. And and a lot of times though I
Speaker 1: have seen, like when a daughter tries to say something
Speaker 1: to a father when the wife's already said it, more
Speaker 1: more than likely he's probably gonna be like, man, if
Speaker 1: I listen to your mother, I'm not listening to you.
Speaker 1: Or did your mother put you up to this right,
Speaker 1: and then it becomes a thing. Was like, don't tell
Speaker 1: my daughter things about me, right, you know what I'm saying.
Speaker 1: And then sometimes it's hard to feel like you're not
Speaker 1: picking a side, you know, as a you know, if
Speaker 1: a parent might look at you and be like, listen,
Speaker 1: you're taking your mom's side. You're taking your dad's side,
Speaker 1: just like I'm picking my kid's side. My kids come
Speaker 1: to your home, my kids, you're my kids caretaker. When
Speaker 1: I'm at work, my kids are saying X y Z
Speaker 1: they don't feel comfortable. I gotta say something. I'm taking
Speaker 1: my side because for my own safety and my own,
Speaker 1: you know, mental health, I need to know that you'all
Speaker 1: are going to be okay, and then I can be
Speaker 1: okay coming around because you're the only village we have,
Speaker 1: and I think you should drive that force home to
Speaker 1: them and let them know you guys are all we have.
Speaker 1: We don't want to have to go and try to
Speaker 1: outsource the village and find more people to just be
Speaker 1: around just to avoid being around you. It's you know,
Speaker 1: it's not easy. It's not an easy situation. I would
Speaker 1: say anytime you enter a situation to speak to someone,
Speaker 1: enter with love and respect it. You don't got to
Speaker 1: be your up in arms and nobody's face until, with
Speaker 1: love and respect, speak your truth and let them show
Speaker 1: you who they are. Once they show you who they are,
Speaker 1: what they plan on do, accept it and move accordingly accordingly.
Speaker 1: That's it, you know what I'm saying. They don't have
Speaker 1: to be a heated It's just that simple. We had
Speaker 1: so many different topics that we discussed today. Um, I
Speaker 1: think my biggest takeaway just it's more of a general
Speaker 1: kind of blanket statement. You cannot judge people for whatever
Speaker 1: situation they're in or what they're going through. People are people.
Speaker 1: Humans are humans. You're entitled to feel the will you
Speaker 1: feel the way you feel, and who am I to
Speaker 1: judge here for feeling the way you feel. But I
Speaker 1: do believe that it's great when people seek help. It's
Speaker 1: great when people look for advice in the right avenues
Speaker 1: and channels. Because in the beginning I said that, you know,
Speaker 1: I pretty much don't look to people for advice, but
Speaker 1: I do think that it can be, um something that's
Speaker 1: valuable if the advice is coming from someone who you value,
Speaker 1: whose opinion opinion you value, or someone who is well
Speaker 1: versed in whatever the topic. Maybe that being said, you
Speaker 1: don't want any judgment. Um, you shouldn't give judgment in
Speaker 1: those situations either, and then you know that might actually
Speaker 1: help you to arrive at whatever answer or outcome it
Speaker 1: was you were looking for, because usually when you're asking
Speaker 1: for advice, you're at a crossroads or you're new to
Speaker 1: something and you're looking to have somebody shed some light
Speaker 1: on something for you, you know. So, Um, that's that's
Speaker 1: pretty much my moment of truth. I think I had
Speaker 1: several today, but that's what I can kind of summit
Speaker 1: up as since we had so many different topics that
Speaker 1: we discussed today. How about you? Um, my moment of
Speaker 1: truth is simple, man. I don't mind taking advice if
Speaker 1: you provide me with a unique perspective. But like you said,
Speaker 1: I have to value your perspective just because you gave
Speaker 1: me advice, don't me and I gotta take it. And
Speaker 1: also be aware of the advice that you give other people,
Speaker 1: because if you don't have the right perspective to give them,
Speaker 1: you could be giving them some bad advice. Um. Is
Speaker 1: that simple man? Just why a smart man? I was
Speaker 1: about to say, what was your sound in the beginning.
Speaker 1: I was trying to bring it back, but I couldn't.
Speaker 1: A smart man learns from his mistakes, but a wise
Speaker 1: man learns from the mistakes of others. So know who
Speaker 1: you're listening to. That is the moment of move Accordingly.
Speaker 1: We open and closed with an amazing little from you.
Speaker 1: I'm a little wise sometimes you know what I'm saying.
Speaker 1: I learned a few things in my life. You feel me,
Speaker 1: you feel me, I feel you, I feel you. So
Speaker 1: be sure to follow us on social media. That's I
Speaker 1: am Devo and Cadine I am and you can finish
Speaker 1: out they go ahead, tell me to listen. And if
Speaker 1: you're listening on Apple podcast, be sure to rate and
Speaker 1: review because we love to hear your feedback, what you
Speaker 1: like and what we can improve on. And also don't
Speaker 1: forget to hit that subscribe button. That way, when we
Speaker 1: upload a new episode, it automatically downloads to your phone.
Speaker 1: As dead Ass is a production of Stitcher. It's produced
Speaker 1: by A T Square and Dinora Penia. Our chief content
Speaker 1: officer is Chris Bannon. Our associate producers are Kristin Torres
Speaker 1: and Treble. Our studio engineer and original music is by
Speaker 1: Brendan Burns and mixed by Andy Christian's daughter. We're back.
Speaker 1: I'm Drew McCarry and I'm David Roth. We have a
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Speaker 1: It's out. Do it please,