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Speaker 1: We're back. I'm Drew McCarry and I'm David Roth and

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Speaker 1: coming in September a new site we have built together

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Speaker 1: called Defecto or Defector, and we're gonna have a new

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Speaker 1: podcast to go with it, This very podcast, which has

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Speaker 1: the name The Distraction. It's out right now at available

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Speaker 1: every rust. Get your podcast at Stitcher, Spotify, Apple, Go

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Speaker 1: listen right now to The Distraction everywhere. It's out right now.

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Speaker 1: Go listen to see buy. A lot of times I

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Speaker 1: decide against asking for advice because people are so jaded

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Speaker 1: by their own experiences. I don't really want to hear it.

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Speaker 1: The biggest thing I learned in life was that a

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Speaker 1: smart man learns from his own mistakes, but a wise

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Speaker 1: man learns from the mistakes of others. Oh that's a

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Speaker 1: good one. Hey, I'm Cadine and we're the Ellis. You

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Speaker 1: may know us from posting fundy videos without board and

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Speaker 1: reading each other publicly as a form of therapy. Wait,

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Speaker 1: I'll make you need derby most days. And one more

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Speaker 1: important thing to mention, we're married, Yes, sir, we are.

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Speaker 1: We created this podcast to open dialogue about some of

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Speaker 1: the life's most taboo topics. Most folks don't want to

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Speaker 1: talk about through the lens of a millennial married couple.

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Speaker 1: Dead ass is a term that we say every day.

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Speaker 1: Where we say dead ass, we're actually saying facts. One honey,

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Speaker 1: the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth.

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Speaker 1: We're about to take Philow's off to a whole new levels.

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Speaker 1: Starts now. All right, listen, man, I'm gonna be honest

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Speaker 1: with y'all. Man, I'm tired of people with our kids

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Speaker 1: asking me or telling me how to raise my kids. Man,

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Speaker 1: I ain't solicit no advice from y'all. Mo fos. Okay,

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Speaker 1: I'll give you a perfect example. My homeboy, my buddy,

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Speaker 1: my pal, one of my best friends, says to me,

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Speaker 1: he feels like I'm spending too much money on my

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Speaker 1: kid's first birthday parties. How dare you You don't got

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Speaker 1: no kids? Okay, alright, he got no kids, zero zilch.

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Speaker 1: How are you gonna tell me I'm doing too much

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Speaker 1: for my first kids when I'm three kids into this

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Speaker 1: and you ain't got no kids. I didn't ask for that,

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Speaker 1: Are you willing to donate? Let me tell you something

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Speaker 1: about advice, all right, If people don't ask for it,

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Speaker 1: don't give it all right, And if you have not

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Speaker 1: lived through what I'm living through, don't tell me how

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Speaker 1: to live through what I'm living through until you live

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Speaker 1: through it. Because you know what's funny now right, he

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Speaker 1: got a kid. He got a kid, now right, the

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Speaker 1: watch when that baby first birthday come around. You know

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Speaker 1: I'm gonna be there with my calculator. Right, I'm sending

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Speaker 1: him let them and I in closed it with kids

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Speaker 1: when I write him, he been get it on time.

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Speaker 1: I forgot about that was singing some more, but you

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Speaker 1: brought it back. I forgot that part. Tom wasn't hold

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Speaker 1: you remember when you wrote me that long ass letter.

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Speaker 1: It was four pages and bad in script. My eyes

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Speaker 1: was hurting trying to be even write in script anymore. No,

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Speaker 1: they have laptops. I know. I kind of want to

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Speaker 1: teach our kids like, you know, penmanship as we used

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Speaker 1: to call it back in the day. Do that to boys.

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Speaker 1: They got big hands. You know how it feels to

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Speaker 1: write independent, have the whole. That's why how they're gonna

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Speaker 1: sign their names on documents. Let me tell you they

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Speaker 1: had documents. Um, women, This is a theory I have

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Speaker 1: and I think it's true. Listen to me tell me

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Speaker 1: growing up, okay, teaches me, like the boys always have

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Speaker 1: bad handwriting, always have bad handwriting, right, the girls always

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Speaker 1: had beautiful penmanship. But there's a reason why we have

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Speaker 1: larger hands and bigger knuckles, right, But we all right

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Speaker 1: with the same size pin. You know, this guye of cramps,

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Speaker 1: I used to get right in my hand. I had

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Speaker 1: to write my name in script over and over the

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Speaker 1: fat joints though them fat pencils, and what I look

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Speaker 1: like a fat pencil in my hand. I mean, it's

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Speaker 1: not the most aesthetically pleasing thing to but it wasn't

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Speaker 1: fair and probably would have been popping as opposed to

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Speaker 1: think about it, that was sexist that you made us

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Speaker 1: right with the same pen knowing that we had challenges

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Speaker 1: growing up as young young black men, maybe we should

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Speaker 1: revisit that for sure, definitively sure. So we're talking about

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Speaker 1: letters today, our listener letters, which we love to hear

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Speaker 1: from y'all. Some of y'all be writing these four page

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Speaker 1: letters too. We can't get through four pages letters from

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Speaker 1: each email, y'all, so we had to keep it a

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Speaker 1: little more concise. But our email box is overflowing, and

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Speaker 1: we just really appreciate your support. We love you guys

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Speaker 1: so much, so we wanted to dedicate a specific show

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Speaker 1: to just answering some questions talking about advice. Also, we

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Speaker 1: want to be clear, I don't like giving advice, for sure.

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Speaker 1: I hate giving advice for sure, but I don't mind

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Speaker 1: giving my perspective based on the things that I've been through.

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Speaker 1: So when we give you the guys these advice to

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Speaker 1: listen to letters, we often give you the advice based

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Speaker 1: on what we've gone through. Excuse me, based on what

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Speaker 1: we've gone through and also how we've lived through it,

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Speaker 1: saying so I'm not a professional. I'm not telling you

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Speaker 1: this is what you should do. I'm saying, hey, we've

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Speaker 1: been through that, and this is how we dealt with Yeah,

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Speaker 1: and we don't profess to be experts on anything that

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Speaker 1: we speak about here. We're just giving our opinions for sure,

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Speaker 1: if y'all see in devols, But we want to give

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Speaker 1: you all two cents and just you know, see, my

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Speaker 1: partnership is not that bad. I'm I'm taking I'm going

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Speaker 1: to go practice now. I think you should totally practice

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Speaker 1: for sure, for sure. So, yeah, after we had that

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Speaker 1: birthday party for all three of our kids. Just to

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Speaker 1: tie it back to story of time. You know, everyone

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Speaker 1: has their particular idea of what you should spend money

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Speaker 1: on and what you shouldn't. People tell us all the

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Speaker 1: time that they think that having first birthday parties are

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Speaker 1: having weddings or having these celebrations that are big, and

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Speaker 1: you spend lots of money on our pointless and you

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Speaker 1: can put that somewhere else. No, no, this is what

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Speaker 1: we say. This is what they say. First of all,

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Speaker 1: you had that baby that wasn't needed for the kids,

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Speaker 1: that was for the pyramids. You've got damn right, absolutely

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Speaker 1: you damn right. My wife carry this damn baby for

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Speaker 1: ten whole months. I dealt with her crazy asked for

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Speaker 1: ten whole months. It was time to celebrate. When needed

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Speaker 1: a drink, folks. So he bought everybody and drink. But

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Speaker 1: everybody drink. We had a good time, celebrated life. See,

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Speaker 1: for us, it's about the memory. It's about the moment,

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Speaker 1: Like every single of our every single first birthday of

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Speaker 1: our children were memorable. Who was there the experience that

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Speaker 1: we had. It's about sometimes creating the memories. So I

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Speaker 1: get the whole practical side of it, where it's like

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Speaker 1: you know, we don't want to spend the money on it. However,

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Speaker 1: there's certain things that money cannot. We celebrate life on

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Speaker 1: one number two, we cut the cake. Move on right now,

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Speaker 1: all right now, So let's jump right into some of

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Speaker 1: these questions. You want to read the first one, baby, Yes,

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Speaker 1: the first one. I got it all right, guys. I've

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Speaker 1: been in a relationship for eight years and married for

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Speaker 1: two of those years. My significant other than I have

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Speaker 1: recently moved in together and it has been amazing for

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Speaker 1: the most part, I say most dude to the level

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Speaker 1: of comfortability he has with me. To get to the

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Speaker 1: dirty to get into the dirty details, he uses the

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Speaker 1: bathroom with the door open, and sometimes when I'm in

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Speaker 1: the shower we're talking about number two, he farts when

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Speaker 1: I'm right next to him and picks his nose and

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Speaker 1: rubs it on me as if it's a joke. This

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Speaker 1: is only the shortlist, damn. But that being said, I

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Speaker 1: have multiple questions. One, at what point do you guys

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Speaker 1: draw the comfortablely line for one? Another? Two, how can

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Speaker 1: I talk to him about changing his new behavior he's

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Speaker 1: been exhibiting because I'm starting to find him less sexually

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Speaker 1: attraction well, no ship like that just feels like like

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Speaker 1: are we in kindergarten babe? You know, buggers and stuffers.

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Speaker 1: I mean, I do think fairly off. I don't know,

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Speaker 1: I don't know. It's pretty substantial, so to that be

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Speaker 1: out here like digging for all the diamonds up in there.

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Speaker 1: But yeah, I mean the level of comfort. You know,

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Speaker 1: like you said, you've been in a relationship for eight years,

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Speaker 1: married for two, So I get that. I wonder if

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Speaker 1: you've been living together for eight years or if it's

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Speaker 1: only been for the past two years. Because sometimes it's

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Speaker 1: when you're just dating and you're living in separate spaces

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Speaker 1: and then you move in together, especially if you're just

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Speaker 1: newly married and have never lived with that person before,

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Speaker 1: you may not pick up on those little isms that

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Speaker 1: they have that will drive you crazy. Um and you

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Speaker 1: know me, I got about pet Peeves. So that's sometimes

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Speaker 1: hard to deal with when you're living with someone you

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Speaker 1: know and he may think that, well, you know, now

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Speaker 1: we're living together, I can be comfortable. I can be

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Speaker 1: myself and uh, you're not with it. So I get you, sister,

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Speaker 1: and the level of attraction that can be created to me,

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Speaker 1: to me, that was very simple, though, she said, like,

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Speaker 1: what do I do? You're a man is gonna want

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Speaker 1: to have sex? Tell him the things he does makes

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Speaker 1: him less sexually tractive. He's going to stop, for sure,

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Speaker 1: you think so absolutely. If you told me that there

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Speaker 1: was something that I was doing that made me less

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Speaker 1: attractive to you sexually, I'm going to stop that. You

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Speaker 1: know what. Devout actually let one loose in the bed

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Speaker 1: one time that drove me to sleep in the living

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Speaker 1: room for the night. I got so mad, like like

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Speaker 1: to my core, because I'm like, how dare you subject

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Speaker 1: me to that odor in my bed? And you know,

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Speaker 1: when you do it and it gets trapped underneath like

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Speaker 1: the comforter, and then because no escaping it, and then

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Speaker 1: I had nowhere to go, and I was like, I'm

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Speaker 1: going to the living room. And I literally went on

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Speaker 1: the couch and slept there for the night. And he

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Speaker 1: knew not to bother me because I got some good

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Speaker 1: at sleep on the couch. You can blow the bedroom

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Speaker 1: up all you want, but we were separated for that night.

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Speaker 1: But you know what, he ain't getting on that night either,

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Speaker 1: because that was not cute. Listen, guys, all right, what

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Speaker 1: did you eat that day? Okay, don't act like a

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Speaker 1: little secret, right, I'll let you little secret ladies. I'm

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Speaker 1: st it all y'all. Hold y'all farting farts in all day, right,

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Speaker 1: because I don't fire around my man. Right when you

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Speaker 1: fall asleep, you know what happens. You fart and we'll

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Speaker 1: be sleep in the bed and you just be like

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Speaker 1: and you'll be wanting to cuddle and spoon, and I'll

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Speaker 1: be spooning you, and then I just feel a little

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Speaker 1: ruffle and then I hear I don't wake you up.

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Speaker 1: I don't make a big deal about it unconsciously doing it. Yes,

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Speaker 1: you are a sleep farter. You are a step farter.

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Speaker 1: Hold mineing either. I'll excuse myself before I just letting.

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Speaker 1: I'm letting you out, loaning ladies. All these farts as

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Speaker 1: you holding, they come out at some point. You may

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Speaker 1: not know, but he knows. So don't be so upset

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Speaker 1: when he lets one loose, because you were probably gonna

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Speaker 1: woke Hi out his sleep a couple of times. All right.

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Speaker 1: As far as going into the bathroom while y'all lay

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Speaker 1: in the shower, I do that all the time. Codeine

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Speaker 1: does that. You have one bathroom And now now he

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Speaker 1: picked when she goes in the shower to do it.

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Speaker 1: You don't pick, like, you don't you don't just do

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Speaker 1: you think that he'd just be like, oh, she in

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Speaker 1: the shower, let me just go drop a deuce. I know.

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Speaker 1: Sometimes you just got to go to the and does

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Speaker 1: say that they recently moved in together, so they aren't

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Speaker 1: together all this time. Yeah, And it's a learning it's

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Speaker 1: a learning. Yeah, there's definitely a learning curve when you

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Speaker 1: finally move in with someone, even not being married. You know,

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Speaker 1: Deval and I didn't practice the traditional quote unquote you know,

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Speaker 1: get married first then moving together. We lived with each

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Speaker 1: other before that, so we kind of knew what we

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Speaker 1: were getting into. Um. But drawing the line when it

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Speaker 1: comes to certain things with like being comfortable, Um, I

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Speaker 1: think we both give each other space, and I think

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Speaker 1: it's necessary sometimes and I think you should have a

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Speaker 1: conversation with him and let him know that you're just

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Speaker 1: not really into that stuff to me. To me, those

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Speaker 1: are the easiest conversations. As you're getting to know somebody

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Speaker 1: and you move in together, you you expect there to

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Speaker 1: be some you know, feathers ruffles, right, Hey, you know,

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Speaker 1: I really don't like when you squeeze the toothpaste from

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Speaker 1: the middle. All right, can you squeeze that motherfucker from

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Speaker 1: the bottom? I might lose my mind. Or you go

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Speaker 1: buy one of the joints that you can attach to

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Speaker 1: the bottom and you just slid it as you go

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Speaker 1: as like a sign, you know. But then that's the

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Speaker 1: passive aggressive way, and we don't do passive aggressiveness does

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Speaker 1: not work. Have to be directed. You're talking about marriage,

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Speaker 1: you're playing on living each other for the rest of

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Speaker 1: your life. You must be direct. But if, if, if

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Speaker 1: it's truly hindering your ability to be sexually attracted to

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Speaker 1: your husband, that's an easy way to tell him, because

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Speaker 1: then he won't have no problems do when it. He

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Speaker 1: chose you to spend the rest of his life with,

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Speaker 1: which means he wants to be with you for the

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Speaker 1: rest of his life and only you. So if you

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Speaker 1: tell him that's going to hinder him from getting some booty,

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Speaker 1: he's gonna change it. I mean, that's that's an easy one.

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Speaker 1: And and not for nothing. This is normal guys. Like

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Speaker 1: moving in with someone and finding out that there's things

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Speaker 1: about them that you don't like is normal. Don't think that,

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Speaker 1: oh my god, this is gonna be a problem. We're

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Speaker 1: gonna get a divorce. It's normal. Talk through it, you know,

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Speaker 1: seek out. You know, I don't even you gotta seek

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Speaker 1: help for this, to seek out some time where you're

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Speaker 1: not offensive to sit down today. You know I love

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Speaker 1: you right like I love you however, right, can you

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Speaker 1: please choose to drop the deuce when I'm not in

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Speaker 1: the shower or let me know that you feel like

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Speaker 1: it's approaching, like it's turtle heading at that point you

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Speaker 1: feel like coming, and I'll del in my shower about

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Speaker 1: ten fienteen minutes if it's necessary for sure. All right,

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Speaker 1: onto question number two. All right, let's switch gears. Me

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Speaker 1: and my boyfriend have been together going on three years.

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Speaker 1: But he but we've been very good friends since the

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Speaker 1: age of sixteen. I'm now thirty two. We have a

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Speaker 1: one year old daughter, and I have a seven year

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Speaker 1: old son from a previous relationship. We're living in a

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Speaker 1: two bedroom apartment right now with all of our stuff

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Speaker 1: and the kids stuff, and it's starting to feel like

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Speaker 1: the walls are closing in. We need more space, for sure,

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Speaker 1: We've been there. I finally brought up the suggestion for

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Speaker 1: us to temporarily move to my parents home, which they

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Speaker 1: have three extra bedrooms, so we can save some money

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Speaker 1: to purchase our first home, and he is totally against it.

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Speaker 1: I said that we can set a ten month goal,

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Speaker 1: and he brings up everything that could go wrong instead

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Speaker 1: of just hearing me out. His main concern is he

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Speaker 1: will not feel comfortable. But what is ten months of

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Speaker 1: being uncomfortable for something that we can enjoy God willing

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Speaker 1: for the next forty plus two years plus we can

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Speaker 1: have the space that we all need soon. I don't

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Speaker 1: know what I should do, apart from me feeling like

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Speaker 1: he's not ready for that step that I am, but

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Speaker 1: I am. Should I figure out a way to do

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Speaker 1: it without him or hope he comes to his senses

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Speaker 1: and sees things my way? Oh gosh, um, yeah, I

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Speaker 1: heard you brunning and growing over there? Way? What this

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Speaker 1: made you feel? Some kind of way? It does because

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Speaker 1: I've experienced this with my parents and then my brother. Right.

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Speaker 1: The hardest thing for anybody, not a man, I don't

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Speaker 1: The hardest for anybody is to move back in with

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Speaker 1: their parents, right, So I could only imagine how hard

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Speaker 1: it would be for me to move in with somebody

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Speaker 1: else's parents, right, your your woman's parents. Absolutely, So it's

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Speaker 1: like an ego shot you feel like, um yes, definitely,

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Speaker 1: definitely an ego shot, but not even so much an

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Speaker 1: ego shot. But it's like you have your own space,

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Speaker 1: you feel comfortable. I'll give you a perfect example. My

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Speaker 1: brother Brian moved back in with us. She did, and

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Speaker 1: your brother at one point moved back in with us,

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Speaker 1: right for sure, for them to follow our rules that

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Speaker 1: we set for our house, even though there are peers

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Speaker 1: and they're adults, it was difficult because they're like, I

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Speaker 1: have my own way of doing things. Can you imagine

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Speaker 1: going through that and having your own kids and having

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Speaker 1: a wife. Think about the nights where you and I

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Speaker 1: have our arguments. Can you imagine her parents listening to

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Speaker 1: them have an argument, sure, yep, and not knowing if

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Speaker 1: they're going to be infusing themselves into it, if they're

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Speaker 1: gonna let them have their space. I be very uncomfortable.

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Speaker 1: And yeah, people have their ways, like we're set in

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Speaker 1: our ways kind of you know, as adults, and I'm

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Speaker 1: sure her parents are as well too. Um So that's

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Speaker 1: something that could be uncomfortable with living with someone once

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Speaker 1: they have their own level of comfortability doing things in

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Speaker 1: their own home and then having to curtail that to

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Speaker 1: satisfy somebody else, Like what if her parents, you know,

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Speaker 1: don't want them coming in out the house at late hours,

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Speaker 1: but he's used to going out with his boys, and

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Speaker 1: she may be okay with that, but then her mom

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Speaker 1: might be like, well, you let yourment go out at night.

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Speaker 1: You know, it just infuses that many more people into

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Speaker 1: your relationship. So I can get where he feels uncomfortable

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Speaker 1: with that. And also setting the time frame of oh,

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Speaker 1: it's only a ten month thing, Those ten month things

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Speaker 1: often turned into twelve months, fifteen months, two year things,

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Speaker 1: three year things. Purchasing a home is not easy. It

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Speaker 1: may take you three to six months just to close

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Speaker 1: on a home, so you may think that you may

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Speaker 1: only be there for ten months, but then you have

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Speaker 1: to find a home. Then after you find a home,

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Speaker 1: you have to close on a home. That's not something

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Speaker 1: that I don't know ten oneths ten months is realistic

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Speaker 1: because she said to move in to save money first off,

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Speaker 1: and then you're saving money to build for this house,

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Speaker 1: So ten months is is maybe not a realistic timeframe,

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Speaker 1: but I do agree with the feeling uncomfortable to have

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Speaker 1: that growth, and we've mentioned that recently. Even with us

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Speaker 1: just having to relocate, we are in turn a little

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00:16:49,040 --> 00:16:51,960
Speaker 1: more uncomfortable in our surroundings because it's new. But at

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00:16:51,960 --> 00:16:53,960
Speaker 1: the same time too, we knew it was necessary in

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00:16:54,040 --> 00:16:55,840
Speaker 1: order for us to move to the next level, so

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00:16:56,280 --> 00:16:58,600
Speaker 1: it was needed. You know, you develop your own comfort

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Speaker 1: zone and things don't seem to progress the where you

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00:17:00,240 --> 00:17:02,000
Speaker 1: wanted too, so you have to shake things up a bit.

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Speaker 1: So I do understand where she's coming from with that perspective.

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Speaker 1: I completely understand where she's coming from as far as

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00:17:07,000 --> 00:17:10,480
Speaker 1: making yourself uncomfortable to then be comfortable long term. But

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Speaker 1: I feel like putting yourself in situations where you can't

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00:17:12,960 --> 00:17:15,040
Speaker 1: be successful as a couple is not going to help.

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Speaker 1: So there are other ways where they can make themselves

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Speaker 1: uncomfortable and save money. For example, if they have multiple vehicles,

351
00:17:21,320 --> 00:17:23,320
Speaker 1: drop one like we did. You know what I'm saying,

352
00:17:23,560 --> 00:17:25,560
Speaker 1: drop both of them, take the train like we did.

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Speaker 1: Or maybe try decluttering. I know it's a two bedroom

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Speaker 1: apartment right now that you said you're in. You know,

355
00:17:29,680 --> 00:17:31,440
Speaker 1: I know a lot of breeding had to take place

356
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Speaker 1: with us just moving, So maybe getting ready, some things

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00:17:33,960 --> 00:17:35,760
Speaker 1: that you feel like are not necessarily that you don't

358
00:17:35,800 --> 00:17:37,640
Speaker 1: need right now, or having someone help you at least

359
00:17:37,720 --> 00:17:40,119
Speaker 1: organize the space that you're in right now. Sometimes it

360
00:17:40,160 --> 00:17:42,360
Speaker 1: requires that little bit of touch to kind of make

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00:17:42,359 --> 00:17:46,680
Speaker 1: things at least livable and doable, to be comfortable for everybody. Yes,

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Speaker 1: but I know what it's like to be in a

363
00:17:47,840 --> 00:17:49,439
Speaker 1: space where you feel like you've outgrown it. That's how

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00:17:49,480 --> 00:17:51,479
Speaker 1: I felt in our place in Brooklyn. I felt like

365
00:17:51,720 --> 00:17:54,159
Speaker 1: we were there, you know, Val and I together as

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Speaker 1: a young couple, and then we had three children in there,

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Speaker 1: and at one point we had your brother, his girlfriend

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Speaker 1: and his son at the same time, so they were

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00:18:01,720 --> 00:18:04,960
Speaker 1: like four adults and two children living in the house

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Speaker 1: together or in the apartment together. And you feel like

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Speaker 1: you're kind of trapped, and that can be super uncomfortable

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Speaker 1: and very kind of depressing at the same time. Absolutely,

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Speaker 1: and I think I think it'd be important for us

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Speaker 1: to explain to them because people have asked us why

375
00:18:17,119 --> 00:18:20,879
Speaker 1: did we rent for so long? Giving them some perspective

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Speaker 1: on buying properties now in two thirteen. Right, Oh, absolutely,

377
00:18:23,880 --> 00:18:25,359
Speaker 1: this is that the Devout had to actually school me

378
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Speaker 1: on because I wasn't savvy about it. But so first

379
00:18:27,720 --> 00:18:29,440
Speaker 1: and foremost, you said you want to move out of

380
00:18:29,480 --> 00:18:31,760
Speaker 1: your apartment to save money, which more than likely means

381
00:18:31,760 --> 00:18:35,160
Speaker 1: you don't have much saving now. Right, So you're looking

382
00:18:35,200 --> 00:18:37,720
Speaker 1: for at least a three bedroom and let's just get

383
00:18:37,840 --> 00:18:40,480
Speaker 1: for example, say they're living in New York, right, a

384
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Speaker 1: three bedroom home in New York. Let's choose somewhere that

385
00:18:44,200 --> 00:18:46,200
Speaker 1: we know for a fact as mc Canarsi. This is

386
00:18:46,240 --> 00:18:47,840
Speaker 1: not a big lavish home, but that's going to cause

387
00:18:47,880 --> 00:18:51,400
Speaker 1: you like a half a million dollars. Yeah, they're going

388
00:18:51,440 --> 00:18:53,360
Speaker 1: at like six seven now, so now you're looking at

389
00:18:53,400 --> 00:18:58,120
Speaker 1: you have to you have to save at least which

390
00:18:58,119 --> 00:19:00,960
Speaker 1: will be a hundred thousand dollars. Let's think about the

391
00:19:01,040 --> 00:19:05,840
Speaker 1: mean income for to family homes in Canarsia. It's probably

392
00:19:05,880 --> 00:19:10,280
Speaker 1: about a hundred hundred twenty thousand dollars right after that's

393
00:19:10,280 --> 00:19:13,439
Speaker 1: for two working adults, right, so after taxes, you probably

394
00:19:13,480 --> 00:19:18,480
Speaker 1: bring home maybe sixty five thousand a year, and then

395
00:19:18,520 --> 00:19:22,000
Speaker 1: after expenses that cuts down to about what thirty thousand

396
00:19:22,040 --> 00:19:25,359
Speaker 1: if you have cars. If you plan on giving money

397
00:19:25,359 --> 00:19:27,879
Speaker 1: to your parents because you're staying there, maybe a thousand

398
00:19:27,920 --> 00:19:29,760
Speaker 1: dollars a month to your parents, because you're staying there

399
00:19:29,800 --> 00:19:32,680
Speaker 1: with three kids or two kids. So now you saved

400
00:19:32,680 --> 00:19:36,240
Speaker 1: about twenty on a good day, on a good year,

401
00:19:36,320 --> 00:19:38,200
Speaker 1: you saved because if you don't go on no vacations,

402
00:19:38,240 --> 00:19:41,679
Speaker 1: you've saved twenty dollars. You would have to be in

403
00:19:41,760 --> 00:19:45,280
Speaker 1: your parents home for five years to save the amount

404
00:19:45,280 --> 00:19:47,399
Speaker 1: of money you need to put a down payment on

405
00:19:47,480 --> 00:19:50,359
Speaker 1: a home to live comfortably, for sure. And this is

406
00:19:50,400 --> 00:19:55,040
Speaker 1: like on average what people typically would have to do. Now,

407
00:19:55,920 --> 00:19:57,760
Speaker 1: I for one, would not want to live with my

408
00:19:57,840 --> 00:20:00,840
Speaker 1: in laws for five years. You and I have traveled

409
00:20:00,880 --> 00:20:04,000
Speaker 1: back home multiple times when we were in the NFL,

410
00:20:04,880 --> 00:20:09,119
Speaker 1: And now when I'm at your parents house for longer

411
00:20:09,160 --> 00:20:12,240
Speaker 1: than five days, you and I be over it. When

412
00:20:12,280 --> 00:20:15,080
Speaker 1: we're at my parents house for more than five days,

413
00:20:15,400 --> 00:20:18,560
Speaker 1: were over it because because over it, because our parents there,

414
00:20:18,560 --> 00:20:20,720
Speaker 1: that's their homes and they have their their like I said,

415
00:20:20,720 --> 00:20:23,840
Speaker 1: people had their isms and the like. One time I'll

416
00:20:23,880 --> 00:20:26,280
Speaker 1: never forget when I stayed at vos parents house for

417
00:20:26,320 --> 00:20:29,560
Speaker 1: the summer, I was pregnant because our apartment was being renovated.

418
00:20:29,600 --> 00:20:33,400
Speaker 1: So we're at Devo's parents house and I warmed up

419
00:20:33,480 --> 00:20:37,720
Speaker 1: something in the in the oven and the pot that

420
00:20:37,800 --> 00:20:40,399
Speaker 1: I warmed it up in had like residue and it

421
00:20:40,480 --> 00:20:43,680
Speaker 1: was like stuck on grease and stuff. So I, because

422
00:20:43,720 --> 00:20:45,360
Speaker 1: I was rushing to take Jack into school, I said,

423
00:20:45,440 --> 00:20:46,960
Speaker 1: let me put this in the sink and like put

424
00:20:47,040 --> 00:20:48,800
Speaker 1: some soap in it, some hot water so it can

425
00:20:48,840 --> 00:20:51,960
Speaker 1: just sit. So it could just sit, so that way

426
00:20:52,000 --> 00:20:54,879
Speaker 1: it'll be easier to wash when I get back. I

427
00:20:54,880 --> 00:20:57,280
Speaker 1: didn't come right back because I ran some errands. So

428
00:20:57,320 --> 00:21:00,160
Speaker 1: there was the pot in a fork in the sink.

429
00:21:02,440 --> 00:21:05,600
Speaker 1: Took a picture of the pot and the fork in

430
00:21:05,640 --> 00:21:07,480
Speaker 1: the sink and sent it to us in the group

431
00:21:07,560 --> 00:21:11,359
Speaker 1: chat with these words, and was like, the rule in

432
00:21:11,400 --> 00:21:14,440
Speaker 1: this house is that dishes don't spend more than one

433
00:21:14,520 --> 00:21:18,480
Speaker 1: hour in the sink. Please wash this, and and and

434
00:21:18,520 --> 00:21:20,159
Speaker 1: then it was I shouldn't have to come home to

435
00:21:20,240 --> 00:21:23,000
Speaker 1: all all these dishes, all these dishes, all two of

436
00:21:23,080 --> 00:21:27,399
Speaker 1: these dishes, all both of them. And I was like what.

437
00:21:27,960 --> 00:21:30,200
Speaker 1: And when I'm staying at somebody else's house, I am

438
00:21:30,320 --> 00:21:32,919
Speaker 1: very cognizant of the fact that it's not my space.

439
00:21:32,960 --> 00:21:34,800
Speaker 1: So I tried to make sure that I keep things

440
00:21:34,880 --> 00:21:38,359
Speaker 1: in line. I contribute, I'll clean up the common areas,

441
00:21:38,400 --> 00:21:40,760
Speaker 1: I'll sweep, i'll mop I'll do certain things. So I

442
00:21:40,800 --> 00:21:42,680
Speaker 1: was like, it's about we got we got a high

443
00:21:42,680 --> 00:21:45,439
Speaker 1: tail it out of your parents. The case today with

444
00:21:45,480 --> 00:21:48,480
Speaker 1: your father, this caused the riff about this one pot

445
00:21:48,480 --> 00:21:49,960
Speaker 1: in the sink. See, but this caused a riff with

446
00:21:50,040 --> 00:21:52,120
Speaker 1: us because I grew up with the man so where

447
00:21:52,200 --> 00:21:55,159
Speaker 1: she was just like, she was just like and I

448
00:21:55,240 --> 00:21:56,680
Speaker 1: was just like, I was like, why would you leave

449
00:21:56,720 --> 00:21:58,920
Speaker 1: the dishes in the sink? Like you already noticed take

450
00:21:58,960 --> 00:22:01,119
Speaker 1: five minutes and wash the dish. So now me and

451
00:22:01,160 --> 00:22:04,960
Speaker 1: her are arguing because of my father's rules that in

452
00:22:05,000 --> 00:22:06,760
Speaker 1: our house it wouldn't have been a big deal, but

453
00:22:06,800 --> 00:22:08,560
Speaker 1: now since we had to adhere to the rules of

454
00:22:08,560 --> 00:22:11,600
Speaker 1: our parents, it caused a risk in our marriage. And

455
00:22:11,760 --> 00:22:13,480
Speaker 1: as much as you would think, like, hey, it's only

456
00:22:13,480 --> 00:22:16,720
Speaker 1: ten months, this won't be a problem, that will definitely

457
00:22:16,760 --> 00:22:19,720
Speaker 1: at some point cause a problem. I get what you're

458
00:22:19,720 --> 00:22:22,200
Speaker 1: trying to say, and I get what you're smart. She's

459
00:22:22,240 --> 00:22:25,320
Speaker 1: smart for thinking in the financial mindset saying we can

460
00:22:25,320 --> 00:22:27,800
Speaker 1: save money, but realistically it's not gonna be ten months.

461
00:22:27,880 --> 00:22:31,479
Speaker 1: It's like, sometimes you're sanity is priceless, and this may

462
00:22:31,520 --> 00:22:32,760
Speaker 1: be a thing where you have to kind of just

463
00:22:32,800 --> 00:22:36,040
Speaker 1: see how are we going to be able to other ways?

464
00:22:36,200 --> 00:22:39,640
Speaker 1: Don't go on vacation for three years, Um, cut your experiences,

465
00:22:39,680 --> 00:22:41,760
Speaker 1: don't go out you know if you have, If he

466
00:22:41,800 --> 00:22:44,280
Speaker 1: has to pick up a second shift somewhere, do whatever

467
00:22:44,320 --> 00:22:46,440
Speaker 1: you gotta do. Because Codeine and I did that. Let

468
00:22:46,480 --> 00:22:49,240
Speaker 1: that be your last resort. If you can make it work.

469
00:22:49,320 --> 00:22:50,919
Speaker 1: If you can make it work, fine, since I get it.

470
00:22:50,920 --> 00:22:53,800
Speaker 1: I'm comfortable in my parents space, but you're not necessarily

471
00:22:53,800 --> 00:22:56,280
Speaker 1: always that way. I'm not comfortable in anybody. I'm not

472
00:22:56,320 --> 00:22:58,320
Speaker 1: comfortable in my parents. That's true. He needs his own

473
00:22:58,320 --> 00:23:01,359
Speaker 1: four walls for sure. All Right, So that brings us

474
00:23:01,400 --> 00:23:04,600
Speaker 1: the question number three. I'll read this one. Okay, go

475
00:23:04,680 --> 00:23:07,720
Speaker 1: for it. I've known my girlfriend for about eight years now,

476
00:23:07,880 --> 00:23:10,080
Speaker 1: but we've been dating for a little over a year now.

477
00:23:10,440 --> 00:23:13,320
Speaker 1: Something is good. Um, everything is good, and we're learning

478
00:23:13,359 --> 00:23:16,320
Speaker 1: to talk throughout issues. My biggest issue is that her

479
00:23:16,359 --> 00:23:20,639
Speaker 1: mom has still not fully accepted me. I have no

480
00:23:20,720 --> 00:23:24,000
Speaker 1: idea why, because I've never disrespected her, her house, or

481
00:23:24,040 --> 00:23:26,560
Speaker 1: her daughter. Funny, we were just talking about this. My

482
00:23:26,720 --> 00:23:29,960
Speaker 1: question is what should I do about this? Part of

483
00:23:30,000 --> 00:23:32,120
Speaker 1: me doesn't want to care because I'm not dating her.

484
00:23:32,200 --> 00:23:34,520
Speaker 1: I'm dating her daughter. At the same time, I want

485
00:23:34,560 --> 00:23:36,480
Speaker 1: to marry my girl one day, so I know I

486
00:23:36,600 --> 00:23:38,600
Speaker 1: have to be around her mom. How should I go

487
00:23:38,640 --> 00:23:41,320
Speaker 1: about handling this situation? Well, brother, it was like you

488
00:23:41,320 --> 00:23:43,800
Speaker 1: were in you were in our space this past weekend

489
00:23:43,840 --> 00:23:47,600
Speaker 1: because we were just having this conversation literally with our

490
00:23:47,680 --> 00:23:50,879
Speaker 1: family and um some of our siblings and stuff, and

491
00:23:50,960 --> 00:23:55,240
Speaker 1: just talking about how easy or not easy it is

492
00:23:55,280 --> 00:23:58,560
Speaker 1: to infuse somebody else into a family or to have

493
00:23:58,720 --> 00:24:02,520
Speaker 1: that you know, relationship that you can potentially build with

494
00:24:02,560 --> 00:24:08,040
Speaker 1: a significant others parents. It's difficult because I know Devot

495
00:24:08,119 --> 00:24:11,800
Speaker 1: in the very beginning when he came around. There was

496
00:24:11,840 --> 00:24:13,760
Speaker 1: about two years that Devot did not come to my

497
00:24:13,800 --> 00:24:16,600
Speaker 1: house because he felt as if, I'm a good dude,

498
00:24:16,840 --> 00:24:19,160
Speaker 1: I come from a good family, I'm good to your daughter,

499
00:24:19,640 --> 00:24:21,119
Speaker 1: but you're still giving me a hard way to go.

500
00:24:21,320 --> 00:24:24,240
Speaker 1: So you know what, Okay, I'm not coming around because

501
00:24:24,320 --> 00:24:26,680
Speaker 1: I don't have to deal with this. And he would

502
00:24:26,680 --> 00:24:29,440
Speaker 1: talk about former, you know, situations he was in where

503
00:24:29,440 --> 00:24:33,800
Speaker 1: everybody just loved Devoo. But my mom pretty much point

504
00:24:33,800 --> 00:24:35,720
Speaker 1: blank said to me, you could have walked through the

505
00:24:35,760 --> 00:24:41,920
Speaker 1: door with Jesus, I don't care. And that was how

506
00:24:41,960 --> 00:24:44,400
Speaker 1: she felt about it and sometimes, brother, it's not you

507
00:24:44,880 --> 00:24:48,199
Speaker 1: and you you have to sometimes take into consideration what

508
00:24:48,359 --> 00:24:50,680
Speaker 1: may be causing her mom to feel this way. Why

509
00:24:50,760 --> 00:24:53,399
Speaker 1: is she not interested in getting to know you? Is

510
00:24:53,400 --> 00:24:55,760
Speaker 1: the daughter the only child you know, and she may

511
00:24:55,800 --> 00:24:58,920
Speaker 1: feel like she's losing her daughter to this man. There

512
00:24:58,920 --> 00:25:01,080
Speaker 1: can be so many different reasons as to why she's

513
00:25:01,080 --> 00:25:05,920
Speaker 1: not comfortable. Allow me to allow to provide some perspective. Okay,

514
00:25:06,080 --> 00:25:09,560
Speaker 1: you know I love your mom, but um oh, we

515
00:25:09,640 --> 00:25:13,760
Speaker 1: preface it with that. Being a young man eighteen years old,

516
00:25:14,320 --> 00:25:17,160
Speaker 1: I was introduced to her mom during the time where

517
00:25:17,240 --> 00:25:20,200
Speaker 1: Kadean was transitioning from one school to the next. Right,

518
00:25:20,960 --> 00:25:24,840
Speaker 1: So I know myself. I know that I'm a hard worker,

519
00:25:25,000 --> 00:25:27,280
Speaker 1: I get good grades, I'm a Division one athlete. I

520
00:25:27,320 --> 00:25:29,800
Speaker 1: come from a good family. My first door process is

521
00:25:29,840 --> 00:25:33,840
Speaker 1: why would a mom not appreciate me being around their daughter?

522
00:25:34,560 --> 00:25:38,400
Speaker 1: Then I had kids, right, Imagine you're eighteen, nineteen year

523
00:25:38,400 --> 00:25:43,520
Speaker 1: old daughter. It's going to another college with a boy.

524
00:25:44,000 --> 00:25:46,320
Speaker 1: There's so many things that can happen there. The only

525
00:25:46,320 --> 00:25:48,760
Speaker 1: thing you're thinking about is is this boy going to

526
00:25:48,840 --> 00:25:53,280
Speaker 1: be a distraction for my daughter? And then at the

527
00:25:53,320 --> 00:25:55,159
Speaker 1: time I was thinking about none of this I was

528
00:25:55,200 --> 00:25:57,239
Speaker 1: thinking aboutself, I'm a good guy, you know, why why

529
00:25:57,320 --> 00:25:59,639
Speaker 1: would she be doing this to me? Because I didn't

530
00:25:59,640 --> 00:26:02,199
Speaker 1: remove myself from the situation and think about how she

531
00:26:02,320 --> 00:26:06,360
Speaker 1: went into it. On top of that, Codeine's mom came

532
00:26:06,400 --> 00:26:10,479
Speaker 1: to this country at seventeen, met her dad, and the

533
00:26:10,480 --> 00:26:13,600
Speaker 1: two of them built what they had together. So for

534
00:26:13,640 --> 00:26:15,840
Speaker 1: her mom, what I realized that when you make these

535
00:26:15,840 --> 00:26:17,960
Speaker 1: decisions about who you're going to spend your time with,

536
00:26:18,440 --> 00:26:20,399
Speaker 1: those people are gonna put you on the path of

537
00:26:20,440 --> 00:26:23,960
Speaker 1: where the rest of your life can got potentially, so

538
00:26:24,800 --> 00:26:28,680
Speaker 1: mothers are not gonna be just accepting of anybody who

539
00:26:28,720 --> 00:26:32,120
Speaker 1: walks in the door without learning them first. And you said,

540
00:26:32,119 --> 00:26:34,080
Speaker 1: you've known your girl for eight years and known for

541
00:26:34,119 --> 00:26:35,920
Speaker 1: eight years, but only been dating for a year. So

542
00:26:35,920 --> 00:26:37,680
Speaker 1: I'm wondering at what point he was introduced to the

543
00:26:37,720 --> 00:26:40,359
Speaker 1: family were 'all dating and you weren't introduced or you know,

544
00:26:40,359 --> 00:26:42,520
Speaker 1: because if it's just a year, that's still still very

545
00:26:42,640 --> 00:26:47,040
Speaker 1: very still. And you also have to ask yourself, if

546
00:26:47,040 --> 00:26:51,320
Speaker 1: you've known her mom or known her family, what behavior

547
00:26:51,359 --> 00:26:54,680
Speaker 1: did you exhibit prior to y'all dating that she may

548
00:26:54,920 --> 00:26:58,680
Speaker 1: have inhibitions about you dating her daughter, Because that also happens.

549
00:26:58,880 --> 00:27:01,439
Speaker 1: If parents have known you for a long time, or

550
00:27:01,480 --> 00:27:03,159
Speaker 1: knowing you and seeing you with a bunch of different

551
00:27:03,160 --> 00:27:05,720
Speaker 1: girls or seeing you around, they may be like, oh,

552
00:27:05,760 --> 00:27:07,600
Speaker 1: I don't want my daughter just to be another one

553
00:27:07,640 --> 00:27:09,000
Speaker 1: of the girls that he's day. Yeah, they may not

554
00:27:09,200 --> 00:27:12,800
Speaker 1: understand how your relationship evolved into what it is today.

555
00:27:13,080 --> 00:27:15,480
Speaker 1: That's also a pility. There are a ton of things

556
00:27:15,560 --> 00:27:17,440
Speaker 1: you have to think about as a man going into

557
00:27:17,440 --> 00:27:21,080
Speaker 1: this situation, not just oh, she don't like me. I'm

558
00:27:21,119 --> 00:27:25,399
Speaker 1: telling everybody this right now. If you date my son's

559
00:27:25,600 --> 00:27:28,720
Speaker 1: one of my sons, I'm not gonna like you. I'm

560
00:27:28,760 --> 00:27:31,119
Speaker 1: not gonna like you. I don't care. That's one thing

561
00:27:31,160 --> 00:27:33,359
Speaker 1: that devoted out United on when it comes to our boys.

562
00:27:34,080 --> 00:27:36,720
Speaker 1: We don't like nobody. I don't like. No, you're gonna

563
00:27:36,720 --> 00:27:39,920
Speaker 1: have to prove to me because and as a parent,

564
00:27:39,960 --> 00:27:42,560
Speaker 1: I will understand how CA's mom games. I've worked my

565
00:27:42,760 --> 00:27:46,480
Speaker 1: ass off to try to give my kids everything they

566
00:27:46,480 --> 00:27:49,840
Speaker 1: put them in a position to be successful. Anything that

567
00:27:49,920 --> 00:27:51,960
Speaker 1: comes in the way that might be a distraction. I'm

568
00:27:52,040 --> 00:27:54,280
Speaker 1: not liking you. You're so right, You're sorry. As a mom,

569
00:27:54,320 --> 00:27:56,080
Speaker 1: now I totally see it. When you become a parent

570
00:27:56,080 --> 00:27:58,359
Speaker 1: and They always say, it's like the cycle of life.

571
00:27:58,359 --> 00:28:01,160
Speaker 1: It's like, you won't understand until you're a parent. How

572
00:28:01,160 --> 00:28:03,159
Speaker 1: many times have both of our parents said that to

573
00:28:03,240 --> 00:28:05,400
Speaker 1: us throughout life? They still say that, They still say,

574
00:28:05,480 --> 00:28:07,440
Speaker 1: you just won't understand. And now it's like, you won't

575
00:28:07,520 --> 00:28:10,200
Speaker 1: understand until Jackson's a teenager. You won't understand until Jackson.

576
00:28:11,040 --> 00:28:12,840
Speaker 1: My mom just said it the other day when it

577
00:28:12,880 --> 00:28:16,360
Speaker 1: came time to, you know, arranging room situations where who

578
00:28:16,400 --> 00:28:18,280
Speaker 1: was going to sleep where you know that the people

579
00:28:18,280 --> 00:28:20,280
Speaker 1: who weren't married. My mother is not comfortable with them

580
00:28:20,280 --> 00:28:23,560
Speaker 1: sleeping together in the same room together, right, And it's

581
00:28:23,600 --> 00:28:25,440
Speaker 1: just that she's just like, well, when when your kids

582
00:28:25,480 --> 00:28:28,200
Speaker 1: are that age, you'll understand. And I'm like, you know what, Mom,

583
00:28:28,200 --> 00:28:31,720
Speaker 1: you're probably probably right. You're probably absolutely right, because we

584
00:28:31,760 --> 00:28:33,840
Speaker 1: may probably be hard to deal with. And then you know,

585
00:28:34,000 --> 00:28:36,879
Speaker 1: Jackson Cayrone Cast will have their podcast later wherever they

586
00:28:36,960 --> 00:28:38,800
Speaker 1: answer that questions and they're like, you know what, my

587
00:28:38,880 --> 00:28:42,160
Speaker 1: parents are absolutely crazy, absolutely crazy. I'll say all of

588
00:28:42,240 --> 00:28:46,560
Speaker 1: this to say this, if that woman you're dating is

589
00:28:46,600 --> 00:28:50,160
Speaker 1: worth it, it will be worth putting in the work

590
00:28:50,240 --> 00:28:53,479
Speaker 1: to show her mom that you can be valued and

591
00:28:53,520 --> 00:28:56,560
Speaker 1: trusted as a man, because listen to this as men

592
00:28:56,640 --> 00:28:59,160
Speaker 1: in this society, right, they owe this big words, a

593
00:28:59,200 --> 00:29:01,400
Speaker 1: button hot but topic that will probably do a podcast

594
00:29:01,520 --> 00:29:04,760
Speaker 1: on call submission right where they're always saying that, oh,

595
00:29:04,800 --> 00:29:07,240
Speaker 1: women should be submissive. In the Bible says women should

596
00:29:07,240 --> 00:29:10,720
Speaker 1: be submissive to their man. Right, we know that that's antiquated.

597
00:29:10,920 --> 00:29:13,400
Speaker 1: Fantasi just talked about it. But think about this, right,

598
00:29:14,160 --> 00:29:17,200
Speaker 1: anybody who's going to submit to anybody has to trust

599
00:29:17,280 --> 00:29:20,480
Speaker 1: that that person is in a leadership position, trust that

600
00:29:20,520 --> 00:29:22,960
Speaker 1: they can they can trust that person as a leader.

601
00:29:24,080 --> 00:29:27,040
Speaker 1: And you showing that you can get her mom to

602
00:29:27,160 --> 00:29:30,560
Speaker 1: trust you, you're showing the woman that you're dating that

603
00:29:30,720 --> 00:29:32,719
Speaker 1: she can trust you. And when it's time to make

604
00:29:32,760 --> 00:29:36,000
Speaker 1: decisions in your household as the leader, should then feel

605
00:29:36,000 --> 00:29:39,680
Speaker 1: comfortable trusting you because you've gained her mom's trust. So

606
00:29:39,720 --> 00:29:42,720
Speaker 1: if she's worth it, put the work in because it'll

607
00:29:42,760 --> 00:29:44,600
Speaker 1: work out in the long run. And I can think

608
00:29:44,640 --> 00:29:46,200
Speaker 1: of it on the I can speak to the flip

609
00:29:46,280 --> 00:29:52,440
Speaker 1: side of that. I was so sure about who devours

610
00:29:52,440 --> 00:29:55,040
Speaker 1: a person as a person. I was sure about his character.

611
00:29:55,800 --> 00:29:58,720
Speaker 1: I was very sure about his ambition, his work ethic,

612
00:29:58,760 --> 00:30:00,960
Speaker 1: where he was going in life. So then I found

613
00:30:01,000 --> 00:30:03,840
Speaker 1: that it was my responsibility and my test because I

614
00:30:03,920 --> 00:30:06,840
Speaker 1: know my mom and I know my parents best to

615
00:30:07,040 --> 00:30:10,080
Speaker 1: speak to that and to not shy away from it

616
00:30:10,720 --> 00:30:13,760
Speaker 1: and you know, avoid the conversation per se. Because we

617
00:30:13,800 --> 00:30:15,920
Speaker 1: actually have a friend that you know, it was in

618
00:30:15,960 --> 00:30:20,680
Speaker 1: a relationship with someone and his girlfriend avoided the conversations

619
00:30:20,720 --> 00:30:23,560
Speaker 1: with her parents because she was so worried about what

620
00:30:23,600 --> 00:30:25,800
Speaker 1: her parents would say, and she didn't want to ruffle

621
00:30:25,840 --> 00:30:29,040
Speaker 1: her parents feathers, or she just wasn't used to speaking

622
00:30:29,120 --> 00:30:31,680
Speaker 1: up for herself. So in turn, he was like this

623
00:30:31,840 --> 00:30:35,880
Speaker 1: undercover boyfriend and never became until, you know, known until

624
00:30:35,920 --> 00:30:37,360
Speaker 1: it was time for him to propose, and then it

625
00:30:37,400 --> 00:30:39,760
Speaker 1: was this awkward conversation because the parents didn't even know

626
00:30:39,800 --> 00:30:42,960
Speaker 1: he existed. So I think it's her responsibility because she

627
00:30:43,120 --> 00:30:46,920
Speaker 1: knows her parents is UM's, you know, and she may

628
00:30:47,000 --> 00:30:48,800
Speaker 1: know the best way to communicate with them and get

629
00:30:48,840 --> 00:30:50,520
Speaker 1: through to them to let them know, you know what.

630
00:30:50,960 --> 00:30:53,800
Speaker 1: I love this man. He's an amazing guy. This is

631
00:30:53,800 --> 00:30:56,520
Speaker 1: what he's doing. Just give him a chance, Just give

632
00:30:56,600 --> 00:30:58,920
Speaker 1: him a chance. And it's funny you say that, because

633
00:30:58,960 --> 00:31:02,080
Speaker 1: it comes full circle. We talked about submission in a relationship,

634
00:31:02,120 --> 00:31:04,960
Speaker 1: being a leader of being in the leader leadership position,

635
00:31:05,040 --> 00:31:08,200
Speaker 1: also knowing when to defer when it's not your fight.

636
00:31:09,040 --> 00:31:11,960
Speaker 1: Me being a leader in my relationship, knowing when things

637
00:31:12,120 --> 00:31:15,080
Speaker 1: are best fought from my wife to handle. Just because

638
00:31:15,080 --> 00:31:16,480
Speaker 1: you're de leted on mean you gotta make all the

639
00:31:16,520 --> 00:31:21,560
Speaker 1: final decisions. That's your girlfriend's mother. Let her get involved

640
00:31:21,600 --> 00:31:24,080
Speaker 1: and let and she'll let you know when it will

641
00:31:24,120 --> 00:31:25,920
Speaker 1: be the best opportunities to put you for forward and

642
00:31:26,320 --> 00:31:29,160
Speaker 1: continue to move forward and building that relationship. I do that,

643
00:31:29,200 --> 00:31:32,040
Speaker 1: wikadine all the time. When things are outside of my

644
00:31:32,800 --> 00:31:36,680
Speaker 1: outside of my scope of knowledge or my scope of work,

645
00:31:35,800 --> 00:31:40,960
Speaker 1: I'll say the case sometime yo, yo, that is not

646
00:31:41,040 --> 00:31:42,720
Speaker 1: in my prey grade. You don't have to handle that.

647
00:31:42,800 --> 00:31:45,240
Speaker 1: Whatever you think is the best thing to do. We're

648
00:31:45,360 --> 00:31:47,760
Speaker 1: rocking with that. This is a great time for you

649
00:31:47,800 --> 00:31:50,760
Speaker 1: to as a couple to learn how to navigate situations together.

650
00:31:51,120 --> 00:31:53,080
Speaker 1: That's her mom, but you have to fight for her

651
00:31:53,120 --> 00:31:55,719
Speaker 1: respect and her trust. Learn how to do that together,

652
00:31:55,760 --> 00:31:57,720
Speaker 1: and that will teach you, guys, as a couple, how

653
00:31:57,720 --> 00:32:02,640
Speaker 1: to handle other situations in life Like that was a

654
00:32:02,640 --> 00:32:05,760
Speaker 1: great point you said, didn't even think about that as

655
00:32:05,840 --> 00:32:09,400
Speaker 1: as a woman, like that's your mom. You have to

656
00:32:09,400 --> 00:32:11,040
Speaker 1: stand up and say to your mom like, Yo, this

657
00:32:11,120 --> 00:32:13,640
Speaker 1: is the man and I'm in love with And she

658
00:32:13,720 --> 00:32:15,680
Speaker 1: has to do that. She has to stand woman up.

659
00:32:15,720 --> 00:32:18,280
Speaker 1: She got a woman up. My conversation with my mom

660
00:32:18,320 --> 00:32:21,640
Speaker 1: went a little something like you and dad have equipped

661
00:32:21,720 --> 00:32:27,520
Speaker 1: me with a moral compass, with the discernment to know

662
00:32:28,400 --> 00:32:31,800
Speaker 1: right from wrong. So I would I would love if

663
00:32:31,840 --> 00:32:34,440
Speaker 1: you can just lean on that and have confidence in

664
00:32:34,480 --> 00:32:37,400
Speaker 1: the fact that I will not be involved with or

665
00:32:37,400 --> 00:32:39,400
Speaker 1: bring someone around the family who I felt did not

666
00:32:39,520 --> 00:32:42,120
Speaker 1: match that, who didn't come from a family that exhibited

667
00:32:42,120 --> 00:32:45,960
Speaker 1: the same characteristics. And yeah, I had to have like

668
00:32:46,080 --> 00:32:49,320
Speaker 1: And it wasn't like a whiny conversation. It wasn't a screaming.

669
00:32:49,320 --> 00:32:51,680
Speaker 1: It was very direct. And I feel like approaching her

670
00:32:51,720 --> 00:32:54,840
Speaker 1: like that gave my parents a level of respect that, Wow,

671
00:32:54,880 --> 00:32:56,840
Speaker 1: Canine's actually like speaking to us like a grown up.

672
00:32:57,120 --> 00:32:59,880
Speaker 1: You remember when you had this conversation with her, the

673
00:33:00,280 --> 00:33:03,360
Speaker 1: time the trip to Jamaica. Let me tell your funny story, right,

674
00:33:05,520 --> 00:33:08,800
Speaker 1: don't go into Jamaica. Right this one spring break in

675
00:33:08,880 --> 00:33:15,000
Speaker 1: college and two years in college, that's when you stopped

676
00:33:15,000 --> 00:33:17,120
Speaker 1: coming around. Yes, this is when I stopped coming around, Right,

677
00:33:17,200 --> 00:33:20,560
Speaker 1: It was just us too. And I told my dad

678
00:33:20,720 --> 00:33:23,240
Speaker 1: that I was going to Jamaica, and you know, he

679
00:33:23,280 --> 00:33:25,960
Speaker 1: booked the tickets and stuff like that, and he didn't

680
00:33:25,960 --> 00:33:27,640
Speaker 1: ask me no questions. He's like, you're going to Jamaica,

681
00:33:27,720 --> 00:33:29,200
Speaker 1: like me and cade a couple of friends going blah

682
00:33:29,240 --> 00:33:32,880
Speaker 1: blah blah. So Kay told her mom that me and

683
00:33:33,200 --> 00:33:36,000
Speaker 1: her we're going to Jamaica, right. And the funny thing was,

684
00:33:36,560 --> 00:33:38,480
Speaker 1: whenever you plan these trips, when you and your girlfriend,

685
00:33:38,480 --> 00:33:41,280
Speaker 1: it always talks with a group of friends. Then one

686
00:33:41,360 --> 00:33:43,479
Speaker 1: friend dropped out, his brother friend dropped out, and then

687
00:33:43,520 --> 00:33:46,200
Speaker 1: about three days before I leave, it just had everybody.

688
00:33:46,240 --> 00:33:48,840
Speaker 1: Jeff was just us. We already bought the tickets. So

689
00:33:48,920 --> 00:33:51,440
Speaker 1: my father had already purchased the tickets for us. He

690
00:33:51,640 --> 00:33:54,720
Speaker 1: was a gift for me for spring break. And then

691
00:33:54,760 --> 00:33:57,400
Speaker 1: we're at her parents house and her mom, you know,

692
00:33:57,440 --> 00:34:01,960
Speaker 1: it's very quiet, and she's just like still, that's going

693
00:34:02,000 --> 00:34:06,560
Speaker 1: away on vacation together. And I'm just like, okay, this

694
00:34:06,640 --> 00:34:10,560
Speaker 1: is getting awkward, right. So then she's like devout, you know,

695
00:34:11,880 --> 00:34:15,440
Speaker 1: how do you feel about me letting my daughter go

696
00:34:15,480 --> 00:34:19,239
Speaker 1: away on vacation with this? Why? Some why? And I'm

697
00:34:19,280 --> 00:34:22,640
Speaker 1: like she definitely pulled out the way. She got very

698
00:34:22,719 --> 00:34:24,759
Speaker 1: Jamaican on him. I will say, and I'm just looking

699
00:34:24,760 --> 00:34:28,360
Speaker 1: at Codeine like and and she did say, um, Codeine,

700
00:34:29,040 --> 00:34:32,640
Speaker 1: I mean, you know, I don't understand why you would

701
00:34:32,680 --> 00:34:36,520
Speaker 1: feel as if a girl of your caliber would allow

702
00:34:36,640 --> 00:34:40,120
Speaker 1: for some some men to take you away on vacation.

703
00:34:40,360 --> 00:34:42,960
Speaker 1: What will I say to your grandmother? What will I

704
00:34:42,960 --> 00:34:45,239
Speaker 1: say to your aunts and uncle's when they ask where

705
00:34:45,320 --> 00:34:47,640
Speaker 1: is Cadine for spring break? And I was like, you

706
00:34:47,680 --> 00:34:49,399
Speaker 1: don't gotta tell them nothing, like why did you why

707
00:34:49,400 --> 00:34:50,560
Speaker 1: did you I to be in my business? Though? So?

708
00:34:50,760 --> 00:34:52,880
Speaker 1: Why did you feel like you gotta my shoulders? You

709
00:34:52,880 --> 00:34:54,719
Speaker 1: see how my shoulders are touching my ears right now?

710
00:34:55,040 --> 00:34:56,799
Speaker 1: I was like, yeah, why do you have to even

711
00:34:56,840 --> 00:34:58,279
Speaker 1: tell my business? And I had my hand on her

712
00:34:58,280 --> 00:35:00,000
Speaker 1: shoulder to bring your shoulders down and bring your should

713
00:35:00,040 --> 00:35:02,719
Speaker 1: was starting to get I was making it hot and

714
00:35:02,760 --> 00:35:04,359
Speaker 1: my voice got a little high, and then my mom

715
00:35:04,440 --> 00:35:07,120
Speaker 1: hit me with the who are you talking to? And

716
00:35:07,120 --> 00:35:10,080
Speaker 1: then at that point I said, At that point, I

717
00:35:10,120 --> 00:35:13,840
Speaker 1: was like, y'all think my father's outside, got up, walked

718
00:35:14,120 --> 00:35:16,600
Speaker 1: right out the door. I didn't look back because she

719
00:35:16,719 --> 00:35:19,920
Speaker 1: was like the last time I checked two women cannot

720
00:35:20,000 --> 00:35:21,640
Speaker 1: live in the same house together. Up. I don't know

721
00:35:21,680 --> 00:35:24,600
Speaker 1: what happened to that. I was going, I was here,

722
00:35:24,719 --> 00:35:27,040
Speaker 1: we go, I walked to my house and we didn't

723
00:35:27,040 --> 00:35:29,520
Speaker 1: go on vacation. We didn't go on vacation. Thank god

724
00:35:29,560 --> 00:35:31,839
Speaker 1: your father got trip insurance. Because I tried to hit

725
00:35:31,880 --> 00:35:33,960
Speaker 1: her with the but his dad already spent the money

726
00:35:33,960 --> 00:35:37,839
Speaker 1: on it. She said, we'll give him back every red cent.

727
00:35:38,920 --> 00:35:40,359
Speaker 1: I would give it back to him because I can

728
00:35:40,440 --> 00:35:42,840
Speaker 1: do that. And I'm just like, damn, so there's no

729
00:35:42,880 --> 00:35:47,480
Speaker 1: way around it, and were nowhere around it exactly. And

730
00:35:47,480 --> 00:35:50,279
Speaker 1: then I said, I didn't even have to tell your mother.

731
00:35:50,360 --> 00:35:52,640
Speaker 1: We could have just went like see, And I was

732
00:35:52,640 --> 00:35:55,799
Speaker 1: just trying to be honestly. She liked the country. I

733
00:35:55,800 --> 00:35:57,719
Speaker 1: can't leave the country and not tell mama. You see,

734
00:35:58,200 --> 00:36:00,000
Speaker 1: she raised me right, but in turn, we couldn't go

735
00:36:00,000 --> 00:36:01,960
Speaker 1: nowhere right. She raised you right. But she still owe

736
00:36:01,960 --> 00:36:05,040
Speaker 1: my father forge and sixty three cents. And you know

737
00:36:05,080 --> 00:36:09,239
Speaker 1: your father Gonace don't cover all that frugal Frank gonna

738
00:36:09,239 --> 00:36:11,680
Speaker 1: ask for it keeping the tab. But we say all

739
00:36:11,680 --> 00:36:14,400
Speaker 1: that to say in the end, her mom lives with

740
00:36:14,440 --> 00:36:17,600
Speaker 1: us now was we relocated. She's great with the kids

741
00:36:17,719 --> 00:36:20,359
Speaker 1: may don't have a great relationship, but we went through

742
00:36:20,360 --> 00:36:23,680
Speaker 1: those times, and that was two years of us dating.

743
00:36:23,960 --> 00:36:26,160
Speaker 1: We went through those times, definitely. We didn't speak for

744
00:36:26,200 --> 00:36:27,920
Speaker 1: two months two years after. I didn't go by a

745
00:36:27,960 --> 00:36:31,600
Speaker 1: parent's house, and it took time for her to learn

746
00:36:31,640 --> 00:36:33,520
Speaker 1: to trust me and to prove to her that I

747
00:36:33,600 --> 00:36:37,719
Speaker 1: was worthy of her daughter's caliber. And it was worth

748
00:36:37,760 --> 00:36:39,640
Speaker 1: it because now we were great. You know, it was great.

749
00:36:39,760 --> 00:36:44,600
Speaker 1: I was dating a man of similar caliber. I don't

750
00:36:44,680 --> 00:36:47,160
Speaker 1: know where your mother she'd be having these words. The

751
00:36:47,200 --> 00:36:50,680
Speaker 1: caliber auspicious, you know, very western in very Jamaican terms

752
00:36:50,800 --> 00:36:53,120
Speaker 1: and stuff. All right, so we're gonna take a quick

753
00:36:53,160 --> 00:36:55,680
Speaker 1: break and we have more listening about us coming up

754
00:36:56,080 --> 00:37:06,160
Speaker 1: after we get into some say to this for the record,

755
00:37:08,280 --> 00:37:13,560
Speaker 1: there it is a win for the ages. Tiger Woods

756
00:37:13,640 --> 00:37:17,600
Speaker 1: is one of our most inspiring sports icons. In his story,

757
00:37:18,320 --> 00:37:22,080
Speaker 1: it comes with many chapters. I am deeply sorry from

758
00:37:22,080 --> 00:37:27,840
Speaker 1: my irresponsible and selfish behavior, but here it is the

759
00:37:28,040 --> 00:37:35,040
Speaker 1: return to glory. This is All American, a new series

760
00:37:35,080 --> 00:37:38,919
Speaker 1: from Stitcher hosted by me Jordan Bell. You realized Tiger

761
00:37:38,960 --> 00:37:41,760
Speaker 1: Wood doesn't know who he is best in the history

762
00:37:41,760 --> 00:37:46,320
Speaker 1: of Gaul, No question in my mind. And this season,

763
00:37:46,600 --> 00:37:50,560
Speaker 1: with the help of journalist Albert Chen, we're asking what

764
00:37:50,680 --> 00:37:53,719
Speaker 1: if the story of Tiger Woods that the media has

765
00:37:53,760 --> 00:37:59,320
Speaker 1: been telling, what if it's been completely wrong? All American

766
00:37:59,480 --> 00:38:02,800
Speaker 1: Tiger is out now. Listen and Stitcher, Apple Podcasts, or

767
00:38:02,840 --> 00:38:10,640
Speaker 1: your favorite podcast app. All right, thanks for sticking with us.

768
00:38:10,640 --> 00:38:12,560
Speaker 1: We're back with some more listeners. Like these are some

769
00:38:12,600 --> 00:38:14,799
Speaker 1: good letters that we've gotten in and we were just

770
00:38:14,800 --> 00:38:16,600
Speaker 1: sifting through a ton of them, so there are so

771
00:38:16,640 --> 00:38:18,799
Speaker 1: many good ones in here. Let's go into question number four.

772
00:38:19,440 --> 00:38:21,040
Speaker 1: All right, So I've been dealing with a guy for

773
00:38:21,120 --> 00:38:24,040
Speaker 1: almost three years. He is a provider to himself and

774
00:38:24,080 --> 00:38:27,920
Speaker 1: two children who are not his. I can go to

775
00:38:28,040 --> 00:38:30,839
Speaker 1: him and talk to him about anything because our communication

776
00:38:30,960 --> 00:38:33,480
Speaker 1: is great. He encourages me and supports me and everything

777
00:38:33,520 --> 00:38:36,960
Speaker 1: I choose to do. The only problem is he has

778
00:38:37,000 --> 00:38:43,840
Speaker 1: a girlfriends and she has been around before and since

779
00:38:43,880 --> 00:38:47,160
Speaker 1: we've been talking. So she's been around before and since

780
00:38:47,160 --> 00:38:49,799
Speaker 1: we've been talking. Okay, I have tried to talk to

781
00:38:49,840 --> 00:38:52,120
Speaker 1: other guys, but it never seems to work with them.

782
00:38:52,160 --> 00:38:55,520
Speaker 1: They're just not on his level. I'm stuck because I

783
00:38:55,560 --> 00:38:58,040
Speaker 1: know it may never go anywhere, But at the same time,

784
00:38:58,520 --> 00:39:01,480
Speaker 1: I haven't come into contact with anyone who matches what

785
00:39:01,520 --> 00:39:04,560
Speaker 1: he does. I'm lost. So she decide chick you the

786
00:39:04,719 --> 00:39:09,839
Speaker 1: side pieces, she the side chick or is she just

787
00:39:09,920 --> 00:39:13,800
Speaker 1: someone who No? She decide chick. She said, I'm dealing

788
00:39:13,880 --> 00:39:17,239
Speaker 1: with the guy for almost three years to my to

789
00:39:17,440 --> 00:39:21,040
Speaker 1: myself and two children who are not his, so she

790
00:39:21,160 --> 00:39:24,279
Speaker 1: he probably I didn't know what the dealing. Dealing can

791
00:39:24,280 --> 00:39:26,719
Speaker 1: mean so many things nowadays, dealing. Is it sexual or

792
00:39:26,760 --> 00:39:31,000
Speaker 1: is it dealing like years? How you deal with somebody bro?

793
00:39:31,840 --> 00:39:34,719
Speaker 1: Because I was family. Had to read it over, like

794
00:39:34,760 --> 00:39:37,960
Speaker 1: what provider to myself and two children who are not his?

795
00:39:38,200 --> 00:39:40,800
Speaker 1: She didn't say two children that were hers? Two children

796
00:39:40,840 --> 00:39:43,440
Speaker 1: that are not his. I'm going to talk about anything

797
00:39:43,520 --> 00:39:45,880
Speaker 1: because our communications great. He encourages me and supports me

798
00:39:45,920 --> 00:39:48,000
Speaker 1: everything I choose to do. The only problem is he

799
00:39:48,040 --> 00:39:50,600
Speaker 1: has a girlfriend, so it's probably his girlfriend's two kids.

800
00:39:50,800 --> 00:39:53,959
Speaker 1: So he's helps his girlfriend with two kids. But she's

801
00:39:53,960 --> 00:39:58,799
Speaker 1: a side chick. It's funny, though, she says. The only

802
00:39:58,840 --> 00:40:01,319
Speaker 1: problem is he has a girlfriend and she has been

803
00:40:01,360 --> 00:40:06,640
Speaker 1: around before me and since we've been talking. You know,

804
00:40:06,920 --> 00:40:10,920
Speaker 1: let's cut your losses booth. Listen the friendly around before

805
00:40:10,960 --> 00:40:15,799
Speaker 1: you and while you. So clearly she's been his girlfriend, right,

806
00:40:17,000 --> 00:40:20,400
Speaker 1: you haven't changed his mind about nothing, So hold on that.

807
00:40:20,560 --> 00:40:23,680
Speaker 1: We just got to go back because back how she

808
00:40:23,760 --> 00:40:25,880
Speaker 1: framed the question. She framed the question is if she

809
00:40:26,040 --> 00:40:28,600
Speaker 1: was a girlfriend, And this, in part is the problem,

810
00:40:28,640 --> 00:40:34,440
Speaker 1: all right, people put themselves in these relationships exactly because

811
00:40:34,480 --> 00:40:38,160
Speaker 1: he's not in a relationship with her. She clearly knows

812
00:40:38,200 --> 00:40:41,680
Speaker 1: what's going on. Oh I know this guy, I love him.

813
00:40:41,680 --> 00:40:44,000
Speaker 1: But the problem is he got a girlfriend and she

814
00:40:44,120 --> 00:40:47,000
Speaker 1: got two kids. Like, if you think about the fact

815
00:40:47,000 --> 00:40:49,840
Speaker 1: that you say that out loud, you know what I'm saying.

816
00:40:50,280 --> 00:40:51,680
Speaker 1: This is not a two way street here, not a

817
00:40:51,680 --> 00:40:55,000
Speaker 1: two way sis. I dealing with him and providing for

818
00:40:55,080 --> 00:40:57,879
Speaker 1: you and whoever these other children are, whether it's yours

819
00:40:58,000 --> 00:41:00,759
Speaker 1: or hers or somebody else's. Sounds like he's a great

820
00:41:00,760 --> 00:41:03,120
Speaker 1: provider and he's a nice guy. But what are you

821
00:41:03,160 --> 00:41:07,000
Speaker 1: looking for She's not because she clearly said that she

822
00:41:07,080 --> 00:41:09,440
Speaker 1: dates and she even said it, I've dated other guys,

823
00:41:09,440 --> 00:41:11,440
Speaker 1: which means they don't have a relationship. But maybe you're

824
00:41:11,480 --> 00:41:13,040
Speaker 1: connected to him and he's not connected to you. And

825
00:41:13,040 --> 00:41:17,759
Speaker 1: if that's the case, that's a problem. Mhm. Listen. The

826
00:41:17,800 --> 00:41:20,040
Speaker 1: bottom line is she's a side check man, and she

827
00:41:20,160 --> 00:41:22,920
Speaker 1: caught feelings. This is very this is very clear. She

828
00:41:23,040 --> 00:41:24,880
Speaker 1: the side chick and she caught feelings. And now she

829
00:41:24,920 --> 00:41:28,440
Speaker 1: compares every guy that she dates to him, which is

830
00:41:28,440 --> 00:41:31,359
Speaker 1: a lose lose for her because no, no other guy

831
00:41:31,400 --> 00:41:35,000
Speaker 1: gets a fear shot. Right. But then I can understand

832
00:41:35,000 --> 00:41:37,520
Speaker 1: when you feel like, damn, I found the one, when

833
00:41:37,520 --> 00:41:40,040
Speaker 1: you're not the one, when you're not the one to

834
00:41:40,120 --> 00:41:42,520
Speaker 1: the one, this is the problem. This is the problem.

835
00:41:42,560 --> 00:41:44,040
Speaker 1: And this is what I've been telling my friends about

836
00:41:44,040 --> 00:41:45,680
Speaker 1: side checks. This is what they got to understand about

837
00:41:45,719 --> 00:41:49,000
Speaker 1: side checks. Right. Side checks always feel that you're the one.

838
00:41:49,040 --> 00:41:50,560
Speaker 1: You want to know what side aways feel like you're

839
00:41:50,560 --> 00:41:54,080
Speaker 1: the one. They get the best of you. They deal

840
00:41:54,120 --> 00:41:56,319
Speaker 1: with you on the side, not that you're worst. They

841
00:41:56,360 --> 00:41:59,160
Speaker 1: only deal with you in a moment of escape, in

842
00:41:59,200 --> 00:42:01,680
Speaker 1: a moment of or dice. So they of course they

843
00:42:01,719 --> 00:42:05,239
Speaker 1: feel like they get they get the best of you, right,

844
00:42:05,560 --> 00:42:07,319
Speaker 1: They don't get with you when you're upset and you're

845
00:42:07,320 --> 00:42:09,279
Speaker 1: coming home and you're dealing with this or dealing with

846
00:42:09,320 --> 00:42:11,320
Speaker 1: bills and stuff like that. They get the part that

847
00:42:11,360 --> 00:42:13,239
Speaker 1: everybody loves to deal with and they fall in love

848
00:42:13,280 --> 00:42:14,680
Speaker 1: with that and This is what I try to tell

849
00:42:14,719 --> 00:42:17,120
Speaker 1: some of my friends. When you only provide that to

850
00:42:17,239 --> 00:42:19,719
Speaker 1: a person, they're going to fall in love with that,

851
00:42:20,680 --> 00:42:23,479
Speaker 1: and more than likely that you know what I'm saying.

852
00:42:23,520 --> 00:42:25,920
Speaker 1: On the flip side, I've known some females who have

853
00:42:25,920 --> 00:42:28,680
Speaker 1: been in situations like that and yeah, that's that escape life.

854
00:42:28,680 --> 00:42:31,319
Speaker 1: But I've also said what happens when you throw real

855
00:42:31,320 --> 00:42:37,520
Speaker 1: world situations into everything you have. Friend, she's a woman,

856
00:42:38,640 --> 00:42:43,080
Speaker 1: and she had a side dude, and he was married.

857
00:42:44,040 --> 00:42:45,920
Speaker 1: She was a sign dude. So the two of them

858
00:42:46,000 --> 00:42:48,600
Speaker 1: when they were with each other away from their spouses,

859
00:42:48,680 --> 00:42:52,279
Speaker 1: everything was perfect, perfect. Right the minute they left their

860
00:42:52,320 --> 00:42:56,439
Speaker 1: spouses and started really getting in a relationship, it didn't work.

861
00:42:56,560 --> 00:42:59,439
Speaker 1: It did not work because that's what happens. And that's

862
00:42:59,440 --> 00:43:02,440
Speaker 1: what she needs to realize, is that even if he

863
00:43:02,560 --> 00:43:07,320
Speaker 1: leaves his girl friend with two kids and starts dating

864
00:43:07,320 --> 00:43:10,360
Speaker 1: you for real, you're not probably gonna like that person

865
00:43:10,400 --> 00:43:13,000
Speaker 1: that you get as much as you liked them when

866
00:43:13,000 --> 00:43:15,759
Speaker 1: you are only getting them at that part time. And

867
00:43:15,800 --> 00:43:20,799
Speaker 1: that's what people situation. So people need to understand it happens,

868
00:43:20,800 --> 00:43:24,560
Speaker 1: and it happens to everybody. Happens to the best of people. Yo,

869
00:43:24,760 --> 00:43:27,240
Speaker 1: I don't know. Since you said I'm lost, find yourself,

870
00:43:27,440 --> 00:43:31,680
Speaker 1: I think you found be found and find your way

871
00:43:31,680 --> 00:43:33,880
Speaker 1: out of that situation, because the feelings are going to

872
00:43:33,960 --> 00:43:35,600
Speaker 1: continue to grow, and then you might start doing things

873
00:43:35,600 --> 00:43:39,080
Speaker 1: out of character. And you know, honesty is an illusion.

874
00:43:39,560 --> 00:43:41,320
Speaker 1: What you think you have with him is an illusion

875
00:43:41,320 --> 00:43:43,399
Speaker 1: because he's in a whole other relationship with a woman

876
00:43:43,440 --> 00:43:46,000
Speaker 1: with two kids, so you don't you don't get all

877
00:43:46,040 --> 00:43:48,600
Speaker 1: the brunt of everything else that he deals with. So

878
00:43:48,680 --> 00:43:51,440
Speaker 1: you think that you love this man, And like you said, Codeine,

879
00:43:51,560 --> 00:43:53,200
Speaker 1: no other man is going to stand up to that

880
00:43:53,239 --> 00:43:55,320
Speaker 1: because you only get him in paradise, and you won't

881
00:43:55,400 --> 00:43:57,919
Speaker 1: give the other guys a fair chance to really prove

882
00:43:57,960 --> 00:44:00,440
Speaker 1: to what to you what they're capable of. But even

883
00:44:00,480 --> 00:44:03,439
Speaker 1: when she gets them in a fair chance, she's given

884
00:44:03,440 --> 00:44:06,680
Speaker 1: a guy a fair chance. She's getting the paradise from

885
00:44:06,680 --> 00:44:10,719
Speaker 1: that guy and the other parts that this guy never

886
00:44:10,800 --> 00:44:14,960
Speaker 1: has to show her. You see what I'm saying through dating,

887
00:44:15,040 --> 00:44:16,799
Speaker 1: because she's not dating him. If she if he has

888
00:44:16,800 --> 00:44:18,600
Speaker 1: a whole girlfriend with two kids, he don't got time

889
00:44:18,600 --> 00:44:21,120
Speaker 1: to date her. He just provides for her and does

890
00:44:21,200 --> 00:44:23,280
Speaker 1: all those all the nice stuff. She gets to twenty,

891
00:44:23,440 --> 00:44:25,440
Speaker 1: she gets to twenty from him, she gets to twenty,

892
00:44:25,600 --> 00:44:28,200
Speaker 1: she gets a hunting from everybody else and other stuff

893
00:44:28,239 --> 00:44:31,480
Speaker 1: is what turns off. Those guys probably are just as

894
00:44:31,480 --> 00:44:34,520
Speaker 1: good guys, maybe even better. But because she gets all

895
00:44:34,560 --> 00:44:37,640
Speaker 1: the aspects of those guys, then she's just like, I'm

896
00:44:37,640 --> 00:44:40,799
Speaker 1: turned off because this guy is just perfect. She gotta

897
00:44:40,840 --> 00:44:42,480
Speaker 1: let that go. Since you gotta let that go if you,

898
00:44:42,560 --> 00:44:45,000
Speaker 1: if you really feel like you want to find somebody

899
00:44:45,040 --> 00:44:47,279
Speaker 1: that you can have your own relationship with, you gotta

900
00:44:47,320 --> 00:44:49,719
Speaker 1: let him go right in its entirety too, because I'm

901
00:44:49,760 --> 00:44:53,720
Speaker 1: sure there's you're missing something here. Clearly you're missing something here. Deficit.

902
00:44:53,840 --> 00:44:57,480
Speaker 1: As great as he is, there's a deficit because she's

903
00:44:57,520 --> 00:45:02,160
Speaker 1: still dating other guys, still running draft. Yeah, that's the

904
00:45:02,160 --> 00:45:04,800
Speaker 1: way she framed that question was hilarious though she framed

905
00:45:04,840 --> 00:45:11,719
Speaker 1: it she was the girlfriend. Yeah, the only problem and

906
00:45:11,840 --> 00:45:18,080
Speaker 1: kids question number five, Me and my husband caught my

907
00:45:18,120 --> 00:45:23,319
Speaker 1: father cheating on my mother. Oh oh, let me go back.

908
00:45:24,760 --> 00:45:27,600
Speaker 1: Me and me and my husband quote my father cheating

909
00:45:27,640 --> 00:45:30,239
Speaker 1: on my mother about a year ago, not the first time.

910
00:45:31,400 --> 00:45:33,440
Speaker 1: We confronted him about it and told my mother, And

911
00:45:33,480 --> 00:45:36,239
Speaker 1: I don't know how they resolved. They don't know they

912
00:45:36,239 --> 00:45:38,520
Speaker 1: don't want to talk about it. They figured it out. Okay,

913
00:45:38,880 --> 00:45:40,680
Speaker 1: here we are again. My mother is hinting at me

914
00:45:40,719 --> 00:45:43,120
Speaker 1: that she thinks he's cheating, and my husband, I see

915
00:45:43,160 --> 00:45:45,560
Speaker 1: clues that he might be. He's a trucker and loves

916
00:45:45,600 --> 00:45:48,040
Speaker 1: posting his life on Facebook. But when he when his

917
00:45:48,040 --> 00:45:51,400
Speaker 1: trips are delayed, he's silent and tells mom not to

918
00:45:51,440 --> 00:45:54,160
Speaker 1: call him because he's uncomfortable talking on the phone with

919
00:45:54,200 --> 00:46:03,080
Speaker 1: his passenger with him do uh? He won't tell her

920
00:46:03,120 --> 00:46:05,360
Speaker 1: who the passenger is. Problem is, my mother is like

921
00:46:05,560 --> 00:46:08,839
Speaker 1: Knee's mother. She hates competition and she throws everything under

922
00:46:08,880 --> 00:46:11,680
Speaker 1: the bus under the rug. And my father is domineering

923
00:46:11,680 --> 00:46:14,239
Speaker 1: and he's encouraging her to throw his actions under the rug.

924
00:46:14,600 --> 00:46:17,600
Speaker 1: But it's making my mother irritable and snappy towards everyone,

925
00:46:17,760 --> 00:46:21,359
Speaker 1: even my kids. While my father is happy, it makes

926
00:46:21,400 --> 00:46:24,800
Speaker 1: me and my husband very uncomfortable. I'm the only child

927
00:46:24,880 --> 00:46:27,960
Speaker 1: and they are there are only village. What should we do,

928
00:46:28,920 --> 00:46:31,279
Speaker 1: if anything at all, to try to bring peace back?

929
00:46:31,600 --> 00:46:33,560
Speaker 1: Is there a way to help prevent the same thing

930
00:46:33,640 --> 00:46:39,800
Speaker 1: happening again next year? Oh gosh, that's wow. That's all.

931
00:46:40,040 --> 00:46:42,640
Speaker 1: That made me a little sad. That made me a

932
00:46:42,640 --> 00:46:45,799
Speaker 1: little sad. That is a super deep question. Um. And

933
00:46:45,840 --> 00:46:48,239
Speaker 1: seeing as though you're the only child, I know it's

934
00:46:48,239 --> 00:46:50,200
Speaker 1: hard because I know, like for example me, I have

935
00:46:50,239 --> 00:46:52,239
Speaker 1: my siblings where if something goes wrong or there's like

936
00:46:52,280 --> 00:46:54,560
Speaker 1: a parent issue that's happening, you can kind of find

937
00:46:54,560 --> 00:46:58,239
Speaker 1: refuge and speak to you know, your your siblings, and

938
00:46:58,239 --> 00:46:59,719
Speaker 1: you guys can kind of have to try to rally

939
00:46:59,760 --> 00:47:02,000
Speaker 1: around on your parents if you needed to. But it's

940
00:47:02,000 --> 00:47:05,680
Speaker 1: also super hard because I think in this circumstance, your

941
00:47:05,680 --> 00:47:09,960
Speaker 1: parents are adults. Um, they're your parents, So there's this

942
00:47:10,080 --> 00:47:13,360
Speaker 1: level of like a respect quote unquote or like a

943
00:47:13,400 --> 00:47:15,359
Speaker 1: platform that I know for me, I used to put

944
00:47:15,400 --> 00:47:17,640
Speaker 1: my parents on like my parents can do no wrong.

945
00:47:18,440 --> 00:47:20,319
Speaker 1: You know, they see no wrong that you know, they're

946
00:47:20,360 --> 00:47:23,879
Speaker 1: just like these perfect individuals. And sometimes it's hard when

947
00:47:23,920 --> 00:47:26,480
Speaker 1: you see that your parents are not you know, they're

948
00:47:26,560 --> 00:47:29,520
Speaker 1: human and they're not doing things that you always thought

949
00:47:29,560 --> 00:47:35,919
Speaker 1: would be you know, super super clean. Um. That being said,

950
00:47:39,160 --> 00:47:42,560
Speaker 1: I think it's unfair for your mom to then be

951
00:47:42,640 --> 00:47:46,759
Speaker 1: taking that out on everybody else because you ain't saying

952
00:47:46,800 --> 00:47:49,920
Speaker 1: not her, nor nor is your husband, and it's really

953
00:47:49,960 --> 00:47:51,960
Speaker 1: really hard for her. And if it's something if it's

954
00:47:51,960 --> 00:47:56,480
Speaker 1: a conversation that your mom is making you privy to,

955
00:47:56,600 --> 00:47:58,960
Speaker 1: meaning she's hinting at you that he's doing again doing it.

956
00:47:58,960 --> 00:48:01,120
Speaker 1: And again I think you need to be open with

957
00:48:01,120 --> 00:48:02,520
Speaker 1: your mom as well and let her know that she

958
00:48:02,600 --> 00:48:06,160
Speaker 1: cannot take that out on you or your spouse and

959
00:48:06,200 --> 00:48:08,640
Speaker 1: then drive a wedge between your relationship because she has

960
00:48:08,640 --> 00:48:10,960
Speaker 1: an issue with your dad, because your dad is clearly

961
00:48:11,480 --> 00:48:13,560
Speaker 1: doing his own thing, you know, I mean, for the

962
00:48:13,560 --> 00:48:15,920
Speaker 1: whole scenario of him being on the road and he

963
00:48:15,960 --> 00:48:18,600
Speaker 1: can't talk because of his passenger and stuff like that

964
00:48:18,680 --> 00:48:21,239
Speaker 1: in itself just throws red flags all over. This is

965
00:48:21,239 --> 00:48:24,560
Speaker 1: the first thing. And once again, I'm not a I'm

966
00:48:24,560 --> 00:48:28,200
Speaker 1: not a therapist, and I'm not an expert, but what

967
00:48:28,239 --> 00:48:31,120
Speaker 1: it sounds like to me is there may be a

968
00:48:31,160 --> 00:48:34,000
Speaker 1: little bit of abuse there, because you know how they

969
00:48:34,040 --> 00:48:38,120
Speaker 1: say how the abuse always runs back and defends the abuser, right,

970
00:48:39,000 --> 00:48:42,319
Speaker 1: They said they called him once, they told the mom him,

971
00:48:42,360 --> 00:48:44,920
Speaker 1: and the mom dealt with it, kept it quiet, you

972
00:48:44,920 --> 00:48:47,239
Speaker 1: know what what I'm saying, They dealt with it. Now she's

973
00:48:47,320 --> 00:48:50,560
Speaker 1: hinting back at it to the to the daughter, but

974
00:48:50,640 --> 00:48:55,440
Speaker 1: she's not saying it directly the daughter and the husband,

975
00:48:55,600 --> 00:48:57,800
Speaker 1: the son in law found out right. It may be

976
00:48:57,880 --> 00:49:01,080
Speaker 1: a thing where the mom doesn't have anyone else to

977
00:49:01,160 --> 00:49:05,239
Speaker 1: speak to about it, may be embarrassed, so hinting at

978
00:49:05,280 --> 00:49:09,000
Speaker 1: the daughter also maybe a cry for help, maybe a

979
00:49:09,080 --> 00:49:11,240
Speaker 1: cry for help, and it may be in the daughter's

980
00:49:11,239 --> 00:49:16,799
Speaker 1: best interest to um find another It sounds bad, but

981
00:49:16,840 --> 00:49:18,640
Speaker 1: I mean it's just if your mom is crying off help,

982
00:49:18,719 --> 00:49:21,400
Speaker 1: she may want to be out of that situation, and

983
00:49:21,600 --> 00:49:23,600
Speaker 1: you may have to find a way to get her

984
00:49:23,600 --> 00:49:26,799
Speaker 1: out of that situation. If if it's that bad, Now,

985
00:49:26,840 --> 00:49:28,480
Speaker 1: this is what I think they should do. This is

986
00:49:28,480 --> 00:49:29,880
Speaker 1: what I would do if it was me. It was me,

987
00:49:31,120 --> 00:49:33,640
Speaker 1: I wouldn't talk to my mom about it. I talked directly.

988
00:49:36,360 --> 00:49:37,799
Speaker 1: I'm not going to talk to my mom about it.

989
00:49:37,840 --> 00:49:40,839
Speaker 1: This is not my mom's issue. I caught you, I saw,

990
00:49:41,000 --> 00:49:42,719
Speaker 1: I saw this right, this is what I saw. This

991
00:49:42,760 --> 00:49:45,759
Speaker 1: is what I saw. And as the father, and this

992
00:49:45,800 --> 00:49:48,319
Speaker 1: is what comes back to being the leader in the household. Right,

993
00:49:48,800 --> 00:49:51,440
Speaker 1: too much is given, much is respected, too much, too

994
00:49:51,560 --> 00:49:54,120
Speaker 1: much is given, much is expected. Heavy. As the head

995
00:49:54,160 --> 00:49:57,319
Speaker 1: that lies the crown, you have to own this and

996
00:49:57,400 --> 00:49:59,640
Speaker 1: deal with it. Right, You're gonna have to make a

997
00:49:59,640 --> 00:50:01,320
Speaker 1: decision either You're going to do the right thing my

998
00:50:01,480 --> 00:50:03,719
Speaker 1: mom and make sure everything is happy in the house,

999
00:50:03,760 --> 00:50:07,799
Speaker 1: because what your actions are trickling down on you and

1000
00:50:07,880 --> 00:50:11,120
Speaker 1: your grandkids. If you're not willing to do that, I'm

1001
00:50:11,120 --> 00:50:13,720
Speaker 1: gonna have to take the responsibility to protect my wife,

1002
00:50:14,360 --> 00:50:17,560
Speaker 1: you know what I'm saying, my kids and remove us,

1003
00:50:18,200 --> 00:50:20,960
Speaker 1: including her, from this situation. That's how I would deal

1004
00:50:20,960 --> 00:50:22,800
Speaker 1: with it, and it would probably be more more hurtful

1005
00:50:22,840 --> 00:50:24,719
Speaker 1: for the father to know that now my daughter and

1006
00:50:24,800 --> 00:50:27,640
Speaker 1: her family is not going to detach for me and

1007
00:50:27,760 --> 00:50:31,440
Speaker 1: my wife because they don't want to be subjected to that. Um.

1008
00:50:31,480 --> 00:50:34,000
Speaker 1: I think it's also to a generational thing when I

1009
00:50:34,080 --> 00:50:40,160
Speaker 1: look at this scenario where, for example, with me seeking

1010
00:50:40,360 --> 00:50:44,959
Speaker 1: or being the pillar of communication or trying to help

1011
00:50:44,960 --> 00:50:47,640
Speaker 1: my parents problem solved with something that was always told

1012
00:50:47,680 --> 00:50:50,200
Speaker 1: that I should stay away from. Like you're the child,

1013
00:50:50,400 --> 00:50:53,480
Speaker 1: so regardless of how old you are, you don't know

1014
00:50:53,560 --> 00:50:56,160
Speaker 1: about grown folks stuff, which is true, and you should

1015
00:50:56,200 --> 00:50:59,080
Speaker 1: not pique your nose in or give your opinion to

1016
00:50:59,520 --> 00:51:02,040
Speaker 1: grown for stuff. Like back in the day when grown

1017
00:51:02,040 --> 00:51:05,680
Speaker 1: folks were having a conversation, I could not be hanging around.

1018
00:51:05,960 --> 00:51:08,600
Speaker 1: I was sent to another room and nobody wanted to

1019
00:51:08,640 --> 00:51:10,480
Speaker 1: hear my two cents, because I'm not talking to you,

1020
00:51:11,280 --> 00:51:14,960
Speaker 1: and growing up around that culture, I can see where

1021
00:51:14,960 --> 00:51:17,960
Speaker 1: it would be difficult to maybe then speak to your

1022
00:51:18,000 --> 00:51:22,200
Speaker 1: parents as an adult and an observer and say, I

1023
00:51:22,320 --> 00:51:25,360
Speaker 1: see that you're doing X, Y Z wrong, you know,

1024
00:51:25,440 --> 00:51:27,480
Speaker 1: and kind of putting them out there like putting them

1025
00:51:27,480 --> 00:51:30,160
Speaker 1: on blasts and saying, this is what we've witnessed. Can

1026
00:51:30,200 --> 00:51:33,920
Speaker 1: we speak about this? But seeing as though as your parents,

1027
00:51:34,239 --> 00:51:37,000
Speaker 1: naturally that's the struggle. Because you care so much about

1028
00:51:37,040 --> 00:51:40,160
Speaker 1: your parents as a couple, you care about them as individuals,

1029
00:51:40,440 --> 00:51:43,799
Speaker 1: you care about their health and their well being. That

1030
00:51:43,800 --> 00:51:47,120
Speaker 1: would be my struggle of how to maneuver that, but

1031
00:51:47,200 --> 00:51:49,560
Speaker 1: will still founding respectful and being respectful to them in

1032
00:51:49,600 --> 00:51:52,839
Speaker 1: their relationship, but also to giving my two cents, You're

1033
00:51:52,880 --> 00:51:54,560
Speaker 1: absolutely right, and this is what I'll say about that.

1034
00:51:54,640 --> 00:51:59,800
Speaker 1: Especially you never you never interject your yourself into another

1035
00:52:00,320 --> 00:52:02,719
Speaker 1: couple's marriage. You never do that. I never do that.

1036
00:52:03,040 --> 00:52:06,480
Speaker 1: But if their marriage is being interjected into your life.

1037
00:52:06,480 --> 00:52:09,640
Speaker 1: For example, they said that this grandfather and grandmother is

1038
00:52:09,680 --> 00:52:11,799
Speaker 1: the only village they have, which means these are the

1039
00:52:11,840 --> 00:52:14,480
Speaker 1: only people who watch their children. And the way you're

1040
00:52:14,520 --> 00:52:18,839
Speaker 1: behaving is affecting the way she's affecting my children. I

1041
00:52:18,920 --> 00:52:21,360
Speaker 1: have to step in as a parent to protect my kids.

1042
00:52:21,960 --> 00:52:25,399
Speaker 1: There's nothing gonna stop me from interjecting to protect my kids.

1043
00:52:25,440 --> 00:52:27,440
Speaker 1: I don't care who you are. If my parents are

1044
00:52:27,480 --> 00:52:30,560
Speaker 1: misbehaving or behaving poorly and it's gonna affect my children,

1045
00:52:31,360 --> 00:52:35,040
Speaker 1: toxic environment for your kids, exactly, I have the right

1046
00:52:35,080 --> 00:52:37,520
Speaker 1: to step in and say something. Now, if my kids

1047
00:52:37,520 --> 00:52:40,600
Speaker 1: weren't there and it was no issues, and they'll had

1048
00:52:40,680 --> 00:52:43,000
Speaker 1: y'all issues and we found out about it, you know,

1049
00:52:43,040 --> 00:52:45,640
Speaker 1: you need to handle that, bro. But since my kids

1050
00:52:45,640 --> 00:52:47,680
Speaker 1: are there and it's become an issue where the way

1051
00:52:47,719 --> 00:52:50,600
Speaker 1: she behaves around my children, I gotta say something. I

1052
00:52:50,680 --> 00:52:53,680
Speaker 1: have to. If it's my parents, I have to. Like

1053
00:52:53,719 --> 00:52:56,080
Speaker 1: I said, if my kids aren't there, hey, I heard

1054
00:52:56,080 --> 00:52:58,600
Speaker 1: about this, yo, y'all gotta deal with that, I throw

1055
00:52:58,680 --> 00:53:00,879
Speaker 1: my hands up. I'm not interject there myself into other

1056
00:53:00,920 --> 00:53:05,840
Speaker 1: people's marriage. But something like that, and you know, it sounds,

1057
00:53:05,880 --> 00:53:08,279
Speaker 1: even in the language the way she wrote the letter,

1058
00:53:08,960 --> 00:53:11,960
Speaker 1: my father's domineering. My mom likes to sweep stuff under

1059
00:53:12,000 --> 00:53:14,359
Speaker 1: the ruck. It does sound kind of like my mother

1060
00:53:14,520 --> 00:53:17,279
Speaker 1: just gonna do whatever my father say. But then she

1061
00:53:17,400 --> 00:53:20,279
Speaker 1: takes that behavior and puts it on the grandchildren, that

1062
00:53:20,320 --> 00:53:23,840
Speaker 1: means something's upsetting her a lot. You know what I'm saying, right,

1063
00:53:24,080 --> 00:53:26,000
Speaker 1: And that could be allow to deal with you in itself,

1064
00:53:26,040 --> 00:53:28,319
Speaker 1: Like nobody wants to be around somebody who's and you're

1065
00:53:28,320 --> 00:53:30,480
Speaker 1: snapping at me for not even something I did, but

1066
00:53:30,480 --> 00:53:32,279
Speaker 1: you're snapping at me because you're in an overall bad

1067
00:53:32,320 --> 00:53:35,600
Speaker 1: mood because your husband's on the road. You're doing this thing. Yeah,

1068
00:53:35,719 --> 00:53:38,160
Speaker 1: and at this point you definitely have to say something

1069
00:53:38,320 --> 00:53:43,359
Speaker 1: respectfully but spectfully to that. And if you say something

1070
00:53:43,360 --> 00:53:45,799
Speaker 1: to dad and he's I don't care that of mond

1071
00:53:45,840 --> 00:53:48,680
Speaker 1: your business. And you say something to your mom and

1072
00:53:48,719 --> 00:53:51,120
Speaker 1: she decides to continue to exist in that environment, you

1073
00:53:51,160 --> 00:53:53,320
Speaker 1: may have to remove your children from that environment and

1074
00:53:54,160 --> 00:53:57,200
Speaker 1: remove yourself and find somewhere else. And maybe that could

1075
00:53:57,239 --> 00:53:59,759
Speaker 1: be the lesson to teach your mom to stand up

1076
00:53:59,880 --> 00:54:02,040
Speaker 1: or to show your your father that you know what,

1077
00:54:02,160 --> 00:54:04,920
Speaker 1: I'm losing out of my family with my behavior, because

1078
00:54:04,920 --> 00:54:07,680
Speaker 1: sometimes it takes that for them to realize they lost something.

1079
00:54:07,760 --> 00:54:09,520
Speaker 1: It's true, you know, but you I would definitely say

1080
00:54:09,560 --> 00:54:13,120
Speaker 1: something to dad, Like if Dad is domineering, you know,

1081
00:54:13,320 --> 00:54:15,279
Speaker 1: I would say something to him and I think, I mean,

1082
00:54:16,160 --> 00:54:18,360
Speaker 1: I'm not sure how every father daughter relationship is, but

1083
00:54:18,400 --> 00:54:20,040
Speaker 1: I feel like if I went to my dad, if

1084
00:54:20,080 --> 00:54:22,879
Speaker 1: I was infusing this into my life, and I went

1085
00:54:22,920 --> 00:54:26,120
Speaker 1: to my dad as a daughter like daddy, like, you know,

1086
00:54:26,520 --> 00:54:28,000
Speaker 1: being able to kind of break him down a bit

1087
00:54:28,040 --> 00:54:30,720
Speaker 1: because she says she's the only child. Maybe he'll respect

1088
00:54:30,719 --> 00:54:33,160
Speaker 1: that coming from her, or maybe it may embarrass him

1089
00:54:33,160 --> 00:54:34,680
Speaker 1: a bit to see like, oh my goodness, I can't

1090
00:54:34,680 --> 00:54:37,440
Speaker 1: believe like I've been so sloppy and my actions are

1091
00:54:37,480 --> 00:54:39,920
Speaker 1: now affecting everybody, and my daughter knows what's going on.

1092
00:54:40,719 --> 00:54:43,279
Speaker 1: Maybe he may take that approach. Maybe he may maybe

1093
00:54:43,360 --> 00:54:45,200
Speaker 1: so dominaring that he don't want to hear it either.

1094
00:54:45,960 --> 00:54:48,520
Speaker 1: And like Devout said, in that circumstance, you already have

1095
00:54:48,560 --> 00:54:51,040
Speaker 1: a husband. You ain't trying to be be nobody else's

1096
00:54:51,040 --> 00:54:53,719
Speaker 1: wife either. You have your own issues to deal with

1097
00:54:53,760 --> 00:54:55,719
Speaker 1: as well. And and a lot of times though I

1098
00:54:55,760 --> 00:54:58,359
Speaker 1: have seen, like when a daughter tries to say something

1099
00:54:58,360 --> 00:55:00,759
Speaker 1: to a father when the wife's already said it, more

1100
00:55:00,840 --> 00:55:03,000
Speaker 1: more than likely he's probably gonna be like, man, if

1101
00:55:03,000 --> 00:55:05,120
Speaker 1: I listen to your mother, I'm not listening to you.

1102
00:55:05,800 --> 00:55:07,560
Speaker 1: Or did your mother put you up to this right,

1103
00:55:07,560 --> 00:55:09,200
Speaker 1: and then it becomes a thing. Was like, don't tell

1104
00:55:09,280 --> 00:55:11,879
Speaker 1: my daughter things about me, right, you know what I'm saying.

1105
00:55:11,920 --> 00:55:13,600
Speaker 1: And then sometimes it's hard to feel like you're not

1106
00:55:13,640 --> 00:55:16,239
Speaker 1: picking a side, you know, as a you know, if

1107
00:55:16,239 --> 00:55:17,680
Speaker 1: a parent might look at you and be like, listen,

1108
00:55:17,880 --> 00:55:19,759
Speaker 1: you're taking your mom's side. You're taking your dad's side,

1109
00:55:19,760 --> 00:55:22,359
Speaker 1: just like I'm picking my kid's side. My kids come

1110
00:55:22,400 --> 00:55:25,239
Speaker 1: to your home, my kids, you're my kids caretaker. When

1111
00:55:25,239 --> 00:55:27,799
Speaker 1: I'm at work, my kids are saying X y Z

1112
00:55:27,880 --> 00:55:30,160
Speaker 1: they don't feel comfortable. I gotta say something. I'm taking

1113
00:55:30,160 --> 00:55:32,640
Speaker 1: my side because for my own safety and my own,

1114
00:55:33,080 --> 00:55:36,600
Speaker 1: you know, mental health, I need to know that you'all

1115
00:55:36,600 --> 00:55:38,160
Speaker 1: are going to be okay, and then I can be

1116
00:55:38,200 --> 00:55:40,319
Speaker 1: okay coming around because you're the only village we have,

1117
00:55:40,440 --> 00:55:42,400
Speaker 1: and I think you should drive that force home to

1118
00:55:42,440 --> 00:55:44,719
Speaker 1: them and let them know you guys are all we have.

1119
00:55:45,239 --> 00:55:46,480
Speaker 1: We don't want to have to go and try to

1120
00:55:46,560 --> 00:55:49,400
Speaker 1: outsource the village and find more people to just be

1121
00:55:49,520 --> 00:55:53,040
Speaker 1: around just to avoid being around you. It's you know,

1122
00:55:53,239 --> 00:55:55,839
Speaker 1: it's not easy. It's not an easy situation. I would

1123
00:55:55,880 --> 00:55:58,080
Speaker 1: say anytime you enter a situation to speak to someone,

1124
00:55:58,280 --> 00:56:01,680
Speaker 1: enter with love and respect it. You don't got to

1125
00:56:01,680 --> 00:56:03,920
Speaker 1: be your up in arms and nobody's face until, with

1126
00:56:04,040 --> 00:56:07,319
Speaker 1: love and respect, speak your truth and let them show

1127
00:56:07,360 --> 00:56:09,120
Speaker 1: you who they are. Once they show you who they are,

1128
00:56:09,120 --> 00:56:12,759
Speaker 1: what they plan on do, accept it and move accordingly accordingly.

1129
00:56:12,880 --> 00:56:14,759
Speaker 1: That's it, you know what I'm saying. They don't have

1130
00:56:14,840 --> 00:56:18,759
Speaker 1: to be a heated It's just that simple. We had

1131
00:56:18,760 --> 00:56:21,560
Speaker 1: so many different topics that we discussed today. Um, I

1132
00:56:21,600 --> 00:56:25,440
Speaker 1: think my biggest takeaway just it's more of a general

1133
00:56:25,520 --> 00:56:32,320
Speaker 1: kind of blanket statement. You cannot judge people for whatever

1134
00:56:32,400 --> 00:56:36,120
Speaker 1: situation they're in or what they're going through. People are people.

1135
00:56:36,840 --> 00:56:39,600
Speaker 1: Humans are humans. You're entitled to feel the will you

1136
00:56:39,760 --> 00:56:42,279
Speaker 1: feel the way you feel, and who am I to

1137
00:56:42,400 --> 00:56:45,279
Speaker 1: judge here for feeling the way you feel. But I

1138
00:56:45,320 --> 00:56:49,279
Speaker 1: do believe that it's great when people seek help. It's

1139
00:56:49,320 --> 00:56:52,440
Speaker 1: great when people look for advice in the right avenues

1140
00:56:52,480 --> 00:56:54,600
Speaker 1: and channels. Because in the beginning I said that, you know,

1141
00:56:54,640 --> 00:56:57,000
Speaker 1: I pretty much don't look to people for advice, but

1142
00:56:57,080 --> 00:56:59,840
Speaker 1: I do think that it can be, um something that's

1143
00:57:00,239 --> 00:57:05,760
Speaker 1: valuable if the advice is coming from someone who you value,

1144
00:57:06,000 --> 00:57:08,680
Speaker 1: whose opinion opinion you value, or someone who is well

1145
00:57:08,800 --> 00:57:11,880
Speaker 1: versed in whatever the topic. Maybe that being said, you

1146
00:57:11,920 --> 00:57:14,880
Speaker 1: don't want any judgment. Um, you shouldn't give judgment in

1147
00:57:14,920 --> 00:57:18,600
Speaker 1: those situations either, and then you know that might actually

1148
00:57:18,640 --> 00:57:22,200
Speaker 1: help you to arrive at whatever answer or outcome it

1149
00:57:22,280 --> 00:57:24,200
Speaker 1: was you were looking for, because usually when you're asking

1150
00:57:24,200 --> 00:57:26,840
Speaker 1: for advice, you're at a crossroads or you're new to

1151
00:57:26,920 --> 00:57:30,160
Speaker 1: something and you're looking to have somebody shed some light

1152
00:57:30,200 --> 00:57:33,200
Speaker 1: on something for you, you know. So, Um, that's that's

1153
00:57:33,240 --> 00:57:34,720
Speaker 1: pretty much my moment of truth. I think I had

1154
00:57:34,720 --> 00:57:36,520
Speaker 1: several today, but that's what I can kind of summit

1155
00:57:36,680 --> 00:57:38,600
Speaker 1: up as since we had so many different topics that

1156
00:57:38,600 --> 00:57:42,160
Speaker 1: we discussed today. How about you? Um, my moment of

1157
00:57:42,200 --> 00:57:45,480
Speaker 1: truth is simple, man. I don't mind taking advice if

1158
00:57:45,520 --> 00:57:49,720
Speaker 1: you provide me with a unique perspective. But like you said,

1159
00:57:49,720 --> 00:57:52,520
Speaker 1: I have to value your perspective just because you gave

1160
00:57:52,560 --> 00:57:54,880
Speaker 1: me advice, don't me and I gotta take it. And

1161
00:57:54,880 --> 00:57:58,440
Speaker 1: also be aware of the advice that you give other people,

1162
00:57:59,200 --> 00:58:01,280
Speaker 1: because if you don't have the right perspective to give them,

1163
00:58:01,280 --> 00:58:04,640
Speaker 1: you could be giving them some bad advice. Um. Is

1164
00:58:04,680 --> 00:58:08,120
Speaker 1: that simple man? Just why a smart man? I was

1165
00:58:08,160 --> 00:58:09,760
Speaker 1: about to say, what was your sound in the beginning.

1166
00:58:09,800 --> 00:58:11,440
Speaker 1: I was trying to bring it back, but I couldn't.

1167
00:58:11,560 --> 00:58:14,320
Speaker 1: A smart man learns from his mistakes, but a wise

1168
00:58:14,360 --> 00:58:17,320
Speaker 1: man learns from the mistakes of others. So know who

1169
00:58:17,320 --> 00:58:20,200
Speaker 1: you're listening to. That is the moment of move Accordingly.

1170
00:58:20,240 --> 00:58:24,640
Speaker 1: We open and closed with an amazing little from you.

1171
00:58:25,240 --> 00:58:27,360
Speaker 1: I'm a little wise sometimes you know what I'm saying.

1172
00:58:27,960 --> 00:58:31,280
Speaker 1: I learned a few things in my life. You feel me,

1173
00:58:31,720 --> 00:58:34,560
Speaker 1: you feel me, I feel you, I feel you. So

1174
00:58:34,680 --> 00:58:37,560
Speaker 1: be sure to follow us on social media. That's I

1175
00:58:37,600 --> 00:58:40,160
Speaker 1: am Devo and Cadine I am and you can finish

1176
00:58:40,160 --> 00:58:41,800
Speaker 1: out they go ahead, tell me to listen. And if

1177
00:58:41,800 --> 00:58:44,360
Speaker 1: you're listening on Apple podcast, be sure to rate and

1178
00:58:44,440 --> 00:58:46,720
Speaker 1: review because we love to hear your feedback, what you

1179
00:58:46,840 --> 00:58:49,400
Speaker 1: like and what we can improve on. And also don't

1180
00:58:49,440 --> 00:58:52,000
Speaker 1: forget to hit that subscribe button. That way, when we

1181
00:58:52,120 --> 00:59:00,160
Speaker 1: upload a new episode, it automatically downloads to your phone.

1182
00:58:56,880 --> 00:59:05,920
Speaker 1: As dead Ass is a production of Stitcher. It's produced

1183
00:59:05,960 --> 00:59:08,920
Speaker 1: by A T Square and Dinora Penia. Our chief content

1184
00:59:08,960 --> 00:59:13,000
Speaker 1: officer is Chris Bannon. Our associate producers are Kristin Torres

1185
00:59:13,080 --> 00:59:16,360
Speaker 1: and Treble. Our studio engineer and original music is by

1186
00:59:16,440 --> 00:59:27,400
Speaker 1: Brendan Burns and mixed by Andy Christian's daughter. We're back.

1187
00:59:27,440 --> 00:59:29,480
Speaker 1: I'm Drew McCarry and I'm David Roth. We have a

1188
00:59:29,520 --> 00:59:31,680
Speaker 1: podcast going on right now as part of the Stitchen

1189
00:59:31,680 --> 00:59:36,960
Speaker 1: Network called Substraction that's available everywhere. Getting podcast at Stitcher, Spotify,

1190
00:59:37,400 --> 00:59:40,080
Speaker 1: Apple Go. Listen right now to the Distraction right now.

1191
00:59:40,120 --> 00:59:41,240
Speaker 1: It's out. Do it please,