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Speaker 1: Two hopeless one dating app. Then there's you guys, swipe right.

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Speaker 1: The question is whose love life is more tragic.

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Speaker 2: It's Battle of the Tinder Dates. It is the dating

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Speaker 2: game show that defied medical science by somehow getting itself pregnant. Wow,

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Speaker 2: and cut the whole.

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Speaker 3: Thing on camera.

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Speaker 2: It's Battle of the Tinder Dates, where two of our

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Speaker 2: listeners square off to find out whose love life is

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Speaker 2: the most tragic. We'll explain the rules in just a second. First,

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Speaker 2: let's meet today's contestants. In this corner, before every kiss,

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Speaker 2: she likes to give herself citrusy fresh breath by gargling

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Speaker 2: a bottle of OJ with extra pulp, and that's why

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Speaker 2: she's known as juicy Lucy.

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Speaker 3: Okay, I feel like she does it right after she

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Speaker 3: brushes her teeth too.

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Speaker 2: And in the other corner, she can seduce any man

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Speaker 2: with her patented dance move, the slow motion twerk with

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Speaker 2: double finger guns, pistol whip crystal.

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Speaker 1: Hey, guys, what's up?

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Speaker 2: Jose just tried to do that in studio.

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Speaker 1: I love it.

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Speaker 2: Here's how the game works. One contestant will start by

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Speaker 2: telling one of their worst date stories, and then they we'll

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Speaker 2: try and counter with a nightmare story of their own.

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Speaker 2: We're going back and forth for three rounds until we

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Speaker 2: declare winner. We're gonna start things off with juicy Lucy.

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Speaker 3: Let's go. Okay. So I was at a guy's place.

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Speaker 3: He took me dinner, and afterward I asked like, you know,

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Speaker 3: do you want any help with the dishes, and he

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Speaker 3: was like, oh, don't worry about it. His dog licks

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Speaker 3: all of his plates clean, and you had already eaten.

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Speaker 3: And he wasn't joking.

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Speaker 2: That nasty pistol whip bristol. Can you counter?

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Speaker 3: Yeah?

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Speaker 1: So I went out to drink with this guy. He

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Speaker 1: was He was like super rich and everything. We had

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Speaker 1: this really fancy, upscale, like bougie piano bar.

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Speaker 3: Okay.

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Speaker 1: When we got there, he requested the pianist to play

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Speaker 1: baby Shark Only.

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Speaker 2: One of the most romantic songs of all time?

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Speaker 3: Was he trying to be funny?

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Speaker 1: I mean I thought so the first time, but it

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Speaker 1: wasn't just one time. I swear it was like six

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Speaker 1: or seven times.

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Speaker 3: Yeah.

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Speaker 1: I mean that song gets stuck in your head and

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Speaker 1: don't keep requesting it.

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Speaker 2: That's part of the fun is to keep repeating it.

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Speaker 1: But he was also paying the guy too, So he

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Speaker 1: was like dropping big money on this guy. I swear

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Speaker 1: like fifteen minutes. He must have paid like I don't know,

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Speaker 1: like two hundred dollars.

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Speaker 2: Oh.

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Speaker 1: I was so mortified by the end of it. It

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Speaker 1: was just like everyone was like, give me the depth stare.

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Speaker 1: And I was like, oh my god, I gotta get

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Speaker 1: out of here.

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Speaker 3: I'll call you daddy shark. Yeah. There was jealous of you.

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Speaker 2: We're on to round two. See back to.

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Speaker 3: You, all right. So I was at dinner with a

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Speaker 3: guy when he got a call and he was like,

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Speaker 3: oh my god, I'm so sorry. I have to take

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Speaker 3: this right Okay. So I'm like, oh, it's fine, it's fine.

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Speaker 3: It happened sometimes something. He gets into an argument with

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Speaker 3: the person about what. I wasn't sure At first. I

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Speaker 3: could tell it was a woman.

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Speaker 2: Oh no, that's not good.

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Speaker 3: It turns out it was his mom.

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Speaker 1: Oh oh oh yeah.

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Speaker 3: Je's like I get this, I get this.

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Speaker 2: Yeah.

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Speaker 3: He was like screaming at his mom. And even though

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Speaker 3: this man was thirty seven years old, she was upset

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Speaker 3: with him because he didn't finish his chores that day

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Speaker 3: and she wanted him to come straight.

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Speaker 2: Did you put him on time out? Mom, the resident

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Speaker 2: are soaking Okay, you'll get to it, Crystal back to you.

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Speaker 3: Yeah.

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Speaker 1: So I went on this coffee date and this guy

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Speaker 1: showed up wearing scrubs and I was thinking like, ooh

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Speaker 1: a doctor, you know.

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Speaker 3: Like yeah.

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Speaker 1: I was like, oh, I feel so bad. He just

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Speaker 1: got off of work, it all whatever, and he's like,

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Speaker 1: oh no, it's okay, like, don't worry about it. He

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Speaker 1: works in insurance. And I was super confused, so I

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Speaker 1: was like, wait, what do you what do you mean? Well,

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Speaker 1: apparently he got the scrubs from like the thoft store

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Speaker 1: down the street. And I was like, you're company, I guess,

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Speaker 1: but like why are you wearing them? And he's like,

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Speaker 1: oh well, if I happened to bail on the date

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Speaker 1: or whatever, he would just use the scrubs to say

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Speaker 1: he was a doctor. And then he would go he

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Speaker 1: I'll never risk up.

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Speaker 3: Oh wow, And he explained this to you.

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Speaker 2: Got to respect a man with a plan, not a

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Speaker 2: lot of guys. On to our third and final round.

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Speaker 2: We need your best stories here, ladies. So Lucy, what

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Speaker 2: have you got?

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Speaker 3: Okay? So I hung out with this guy on my birthday. Afterwards,

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Speaker 3: we go to his place, right yeah, and when we

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Speaker 3: when we walk in, he had actually hung up a

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Speaker 3: little banner for me. It's decorated. Yeah, there were party

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Speaker 3: streamers and like he even had a cake. My gosh,

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Speaker 3: I was over the moon, and so he sang for me,

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Speaker 3: he took a picture. I was like so happy. No

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Speaker 3: date had ever done anything like this for me before.

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Speaker 3: But then he tells me don't touch any of it

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Speaker 3: because all the party supplies were pretty expensive and he

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Speaker 3: had to return them in the morning. Even like cake.

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Speaker 3: I couldn't even touch the cake. It was all for

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Speaker 3: the picture. Calesis wants to know if it was his

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Speaker 3: instagram worthy. Yeah, I mean I didn't post it, but still.

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Speaker 2: Come on, here we go, crystal last shot.

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Speaker 1: So I went back to the skyplace right because they

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Speaker 1: had a great date or whatever. But I had to

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Speaker 1: use the restroom. Okay, so while I'm while I'm in there,

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Speaker 1: he had one of those kids like potty training toiletsis

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Speaker 1: or whatever. Yeah, I'll tell about I was like, I

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Speaker 1: didn't know you you know how to kid. He's like, oh, well,

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Speaker 1: I don't have a kid. The little ponies for me

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Speaker 1: to use by the couch when I'm too lazy to

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Speaker 1: walk in the bathroom. Oh literally, just like throw up

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Speaker 1: the one out. It was so gross.

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Speaker 2: Oh my gosh, im to put these all over my apartment.

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Speaker 2: Hopefully just for number one though, like, oh god, why

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Speaker 2: would you even come on? Sorry, we can't go any

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Speaker 2: deeper into that. As much as we want to discuss it,

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Speaker 2: there was the final bell. We need to go and

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Speaker 2: score this with the judges. Alexis, who are you giving

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Speaker 2: it to you?

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Speaker 1: Crystal? I have a new fear unlocked that every man

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Speaker 1: has a little toilet next.

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Speaker 2: To his cat For Crystal.

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Speaker 3: I just still can't get over the dog looking the

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Speaker 3: plates clean.

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Speaker 2: I give it to Lucy were all tied up. You

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Speaker 2: read the deciding factor. Oh man, well gotta go with

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Speaker 2: Lucy with the mom calling hibout the chore as juicy

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Speaker 2: Lucy just four thousand of our listeners to uninstalled Hinder forever.

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Speaker 3: She's crying, but not for good reasons.

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Speaker 2: Text in seven eight five nine, who if you want

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Speaker 2: to appear on the next edition of Battle of the

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Speaker 2: Tender Days. We got your phone tap coming up right

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Speaker 2: after this