1 00:00:09,960 --> 00:00:13,080 Speaker 1: Hi guys, and welcome to a new couch Talks on 2 00:00:13,320 --> 00:00:16,640 Speaker 1: You Need Therapy podcasts. My name is Kat and if 3 00:00:16,680 --> 00:00:19,079 Speaker 1: you are unfamiliar with what couch Talks is, it is 4 00:00:19,120 --> 00:00:22,479 Speaker 1: the special bonus episode of You Need Therapy podcast that 5 00:00:22,520 --> 00:00:25,760 Speaker 1: comes out every single Wednesday, where I answer questions that 6 00:00:25,800 --> 00:00:27,800 Speaker 1: you guys send to me and you can send those 7 00:00:27,840 --> 00:00:31,960 Speaker 1: in to Katherine at you Need Therapy podcast dot com. 8 00:00:32,560 --> 00:00:35,360 Speaker 1: Quick reminder before we get into the episode that this 9 00:00:35,479 --> 00:00:38,560 Speaker 1: podcast does not serve as a replacement or a substitute 10 00:00:38,560 --> 00:00:41,720 Speaker 1: for any actual mental health services. Even though I'm a therapist, 11 00:00:42,200 --> 00:00:45,560 Speaker 1: I am not giving you actual therapy on the podcast. 12 00:00:46,400 --> 00:00:48,880 Speaker 1: And when it comes to couch Talks, I usually answer 13 00:00:49,000 --> 00:00:51,800 Speaker 1: one question that is sent in from listeners, which is 14 00:00:51,800 --> 00:00:54,400 Speaker 1: what we're going to do today? And even though I 15 00:00:54,440 --> 00:00:58,400 Speaker 1: am answering that question, it still does not serve as 16 00:00:58,400 --> 00:01:02,720 Speaker 1: a substitute or replacement for actual therapy. But I'm also 17 00:01:02,760 --> 00:01:07,040 Speaker 1: happy to help whenever and however I can. So it 18 00:01:07,120 --> 00:01:11,920 Speaker 1: is Tuesday. I just got back from the beach, which 19 00:01:11,959 --> 00:01:15,040 Speaker 1: feels like it was forever ago, but I was there 20 00:01:15,160 --> 00:01:18,000 Speaker 1: yesterday and what is very frustrating. I don't know if 21 00:01:18,040 --> 00:01:20,600 Speaker 1: I know if I mentioned this before we left. But 22 00:01:20,680 --> 00:01:23,720 Speaker 1: my body seems to just love getting sick right before vacation. 23 00:01:24,480 --> 00:01:27,520 Speaker 1: Last year, before we went on this trip, I got STRAP, 24 00:01:28,280 --> 00:01:30,560 Speaker 1: but I got it not the week like the end 25 00:01:30,560 --> 00:01:32,200 Speaker 1: of the week before we went, so I was on 26 00:01:32,280 --> 00:01:34,160 Speaker 1: the end of my antibiotics when I went, so I 27 00:01:34,200 --> 00:01:37,679 Speaker 1: wasn't feeling as bad. But this week I decided to 28 00:01:37,720 --> 00:01:40,240 Speaker 1: get a cold, which wasn't as bad as STRAP, thank god. 29 00:01:40,640 --> 00:01:42,880 Speaker 1: Before we went and the height of the cold, you 30 00:01:42,880 --> 00:01:44,800 Speaker 1: know how it like eases in, like I start with 31 00:01:44,840 --> 00:01:48,200 Speaker 1: like a sore throat, and then it eased in and 32 00:01:48,640 --> 00:01:51,240 Speaker 1: I was the height of this cold the first two 33 00:01:51,320 --> 00:01:54,000 Speaker 1: days we were at the beach, which was kind of 34 00:01:54,000 --> 00:01:57,880 Speaker 1: a bummer, but thankfully, I'm engaged to a saint of 35 00:01:57,920 --> 00:02:00,320 Speaker 1: a man who was so kind and so helped full 36 00:02:00,360 --> 00:02:03,480 Speaker 1: and was very sweet when I was struggling and not 37 00:02:03,520 --> 00:02:06,000 Speaker 1: being able to fully breathe while we were trying to 38 00:02:06,080 --> 00:02:09,320 Speaker 1: enjoy the fresh air at the ocean. I'm bringing this 39 00:02:09,400 --> 00:02:12,480 Speaker 1: up because it's been nice, in a weird way to 40 00:02:12,560 --> 00:02:15,800 Speaker 1: see how we function and I function in this relationship 41 00:02:16,000 --> 00:02:20,320 Speaker 1: when things do not go as planned, and I noticed myself. 42 00:02:20,960 --> 00:02:23,560 Speaker 1: And again I'm sharing this because I have a feeling 43 00:02:23,600 --> 00:02:26,520 Speaker 1: out there. Some other people might also relate to this, 44 00:02:26,639 --> 00:02:29,320 Speaker 1: but I noticed myself saying that I was sorry, like 45 00:02:30,000 --> 00:02:33,400 Speaker 1: every five minutes, to the point where I was so 46 00:02:33,440 --> 00:02:35,079 Speaker 1: annoyed with myself, and then I was saying sorry for 47 00:02:35,600 --> 00:02:38,400 Speaker 1: saying sorry, and then I was saying sorry for saying 48 00:02:38,440 --> 00:02:41,320 Speaker 1: sorry for saying sorry, and I was apologizing for not 49 00:02:41,480 --> 00:02:43,520 Speaker 1: feeling well, and I was apologizing for not being as 50 00:02:43,560 --> 00:02:47,680 Speaker 1: fun as I usually am, and Patrick obviously was consistently 51 00:02:47,720 --> 00:02:50,000 Speaker 1: telling me, well, not obviously, because you don't always get this, 52 00:02:50,120 --> 00:02:53,079 Speaker 1: but he was consistently telling me it's okay, I'm still 53 00:02:53,080 --> 00:02:56,799 Speaker 1: having a good time because I'm with you, and wasn't 54 00:02:56,840 --> 00:02:58,840 Speaker 1: even as annoyed as I was at myself for saying 55 00:02:58,880 --> 00:03:02,680 Speaker 1: sorry so many times, which was a really cool teaching moment. 56 00:03:02,840 --> 00:03:06,360 Speaker 1: And I noticed that my expectation for what I wanted 57 00:03:06,360 --> 00:03:08,840 Speaker 1: for him, which it was his birthday weekend, and it 58 00:03:08,880 --> 00:03:11,440 Speaker 1: was a big milestone birthday, his thirtieth birthday, and so 59 00:03:11,600 --> 00:03:15,680 Speaker 1: I wanted him to have this awesome, amazing weekend and 60 00:03:15,760 --> 00:03:17,600 Speaker 1: had been like envisioning it for as long as we 61 00:03:17,639 --> 00:03:20,720 Speaker 1: had it planned. And the expectations that had in my 62 00:03:20,760 --> 00:03:24,720 Speaker 1: mind were let down and I was actually struggling with 63 00:03:25,080 --> 00:03:27,919 Speaker 1: things not going as ideally as they were in my head, 64 00:03:28,680 --> 00:03:30,480 Speaker 1: and I was upset that I wasn't giving Patrick this 65 00:03:30,560 --> 00:03:33,520 Speaker 1: perfect birthday weekend, but I was forgetting that he didn't 66 00:03:33,560 --> 00:03:36,800 Speaker 1: ask for a perfect birthday weekend and he didn't really 67 00:03:36,800 --> 00:03:39,160 Speaker 1: need a perfect birthday weekend. He said that multiple times 68 00:03:39,200 --> 00:03:43,920 Speaker 1: he just wanted to have time with me. And so 69 00:03:43,960 --> 00:03:46,440 Speaker 1: instead of trying to force this perfect birthday weekend and 70 00:03:46,440 --> 00:03:49,080 Speaker 1: apologizing for this thing that this person really didn't even want, 71 00:03:50,000 --> 00:03:51,400 Speaker 1: it would have been really nice for me in those 72 00:03:51,440 --> 00:03:53,800 Speaker 1: moments to ask how I can be more present with 73 00:03:53,920 --> 00:03:57,160 Speaker 1: him in the moment, because he was enjoying himself. And 74 00:03:57,240 --> 00:03:59,960 Speaker 1: I have to stop assuming. And this goes back to 75 00:04:00,080 --> 00:04:01,840 Speaker 1: some of the stuff that we talked about in the 76 00:04:01,880 --> 00:04:05,680 Speaker 1: episode with Mike Foster, like we assume that everybody else 77 00:04:05,760 --> 00:04:08,760 Speaker 1: is asking the same primal question as we are. Well, 78 00:04:08,760 --> 00:04:11,160 Speaker 1: we assume that everybody else wants these things that we 79 00:04:11,240 --> 00:04:13,800 Speaker 1: have in our heads, and that's just not always the case. 80 00:04:14,600 --> 00:04:17,360 Speaker 1: And I have to lean in and trust my partner 81 00:04:17,960 --> 00:04:21,599 Speaker 1: that he is being honest with me, even when that 82 00:04:21,680 --> 00:04:24,599 Speaker 1: might surprise me, even when I'm like, huh, well, I. 83 00:04:24,560 --> 00:04:28,200 Speaker 2: Would want a perfect birthday weekend or huh, I think 84 00:04:28,200 --> 00:04:30,359 Speaker 2: I might be a little disappointed if you cancel my 85 00:04:30,560 --> 00:04:34,160 Speaker 2: birthday dinner, knowing that I also probably wouldn't be mad 86 00:04:34,160 --> 00:04:36,560 Speaker 2: at him for that because you can't help it when 87 00:04:36,600 --> 00:04:37,159 Speaker 2: you're sick, you know. 88 00:04:37,839 --> 00:04:39,839 Speaker 1: And I was just also struggling with this idea that 89 00:04:39,880 --> 00:04:42,760 Speaker 1: his mind doesn't work like some other people that I 90 00:04:42,839 --> 00:04:44,920 Speaker 1: might have dated in the past, and that's one of 91 00:04:44,960 --> 00:04:47,279 Speaker 1: those moments where you just have to trust the person 92 00:04:47,320 --> 00:04:50,160 Speaker 1: you're with, and it is not fair for those people 93 00:04:50,279 --> 00:04:54,080 Speaker 1: for them to be judged and treated like somebody in 94 00:04:54,120 --> 00:04:56,480 Speaker 1: our past, even if we're trying to be careful to 95 00:04:56,480 --> 00:04:59,560 Speaker 1: please them. Patrick doesn't need me to be careful to 96 00:04:59,560 --> 00:05:02,640 Speaker 1: please him. He just wants to be with me. And 97 00:05:02,680 --> 00:05:05,520 Speaker 1: so I'm sharing that because it was nice for me 98 00:05:05,800 --> 00:05:11,440 Speaker 1: to notice, Hey, I am working myself up and then 99 00:05:11,960 --> 00:05:16,200 Speaker 1: could be working Patrick up over something that I'm upset with, 100 00:05:17,160 --> 00:05:20,560 Speaker 1: not him. So it's something that I have to reconcile. 101 00:05:21,240 --> 00:05:23,760 Speaker 1: I have to learn, Okay, what do I do when 102 00:05:23,880 --> 00:05:25,720 Speaker 1: things don't go the way I planned, When the things 103 00:05:25,720 --> 00:05:28,400 Speaker 1: that I want people to have don't work out? When 104 00:05:29,080 --> 00:05:31,440 Speaker 1: the surprise I didn't plan a surprise party with the 105 00:05:31,440 --> 00:05:35,119 Speaker 1: surprise party got spoiled, Like, am I more disappointed because 106 00:05:35,160 --> 00:05:38,000 Speaker 1: I wanted that? Or am I disappointed because this person 107 00:05:38,040 --> 00:05:40,560 Speaker 1: wanted that? And in this case, I think I was 108 00:05:40,600 --> 00:05:45,080 Speaker 1: disappointed because I wanted this thing for this person, which 109 00:05:45,120 --> 00:05:46,919 Speaker 1: I'm sure is going to come to bite me in 110 00:05:46,960 --> 00:05:49,719 Speaker 1: the butt when I have kids. So glad I'm starting 111 00:05:49,720 --> 00:05:52,839 Speaker 1: to work on that and notice it more and more now. Also, 112 00:05:52,920 --> 00:05:54,720 Speaker 1: I feel like it's important before we get into the question, 113 00:05:54,760 --> 00:05:57,160 Speaker 1: and I'm dragging on about this, but we got back 114 00:05:57,240 --> 00:05:59,480 Speaker 1: last night, and this is for anybody who's listened to 115 00:05:59,480 --> 00:06:02,599 Speaker 1: the bagel episd my bagel story where I cried over 116 00:06:02,800 --> 00:06:05,480 Speaker 1: cream shees on my bagel. We ordered food Monday night 117 00:06:05,520 --> 00:06:07,160 Speaker 1: and we got home as we were exhausted as we 118 00:06:07,160 --> 00:06:10,719 Speaker 1: had it delivered, and I got mine and it had 119 00:06:10,800 --> 00:06:15,160 Speaker 1: a condiment all over it, a condiment that I despise. 120 00:06:15,839 --> 00:06:18,640 Speaker 1: And I did not cry. I just ate what I 121 00:06:18,680 --> 00:06:20,719 Speaker 1: could and then said, Okay, I don't want this anymore 122 00:06:20,760 --> 00:06:24,560 Speaker 1: and went to bed. No tears were involved. So I'm 123 00:06:24,600 --> 00:06:28,640 Speaker 1: growing over here now that I've gotten all those updates, 124 00:06:28,640 --> 00:06:31,000 Speaker 1: I know you guys needed out of the way. Let's 125 00:06:31,000 --> 00:06:33,000 Speaker 1: get to the question. So we're doing one question this 126 00:06:33,080 --> 00:06:36,760 Speaker 1: week and little reminder we keep them anonymous. You have 127 00:06:36,760 --> 00:06:38,480 Speaker 1: to worry about me reading your name or giving out 128 00:06:38,480 --> 00:06:42,400 Speaker 1: your email address to everybody. So let's get into it. Hey, 129 00:06:42,480 --> 00:06:45,480 Speaker 1: kat I have a question about how to properly handle 130 00:06:45,520 --> 00:06:48,279 Speaker 1: something that has to do with therapists. How do you 131 00:06:48,279 --> 00:06:50,960 Speaker 1: break up with them? I just started going to therapy 132 00:06:51,040 --> 00:06:53,320 Speaker 1: for the first time, and I didn't really know what 133 00:06:53,360 --> 00:06:56,320 Speaker 1: to expect from the therapist. I've seen her four times, 134 00:06:56,360 --> 00:06:58,080 Speaker 1: and I think that I'm just at the point where 135 00:06:58,120 --> 00:07:01,000 Speaker 1: she's not for me. I don't think she bad, I 136 00:07:01,200 --> 00:07:04,480 Speaker 1: just think I want something different. Should I cancel my 137 00:07:04,520 --> 00:07:08,120 Speaker 1: next session or just never go back? Will she want 138 00:07:08,120 --> 00:07:10,400 Speaker 1: to talk about it? What if I don't want to 139 00:07:10,440 --> 00:07:13,560 Speaker 1: talk about it. I don't want to hurt this lady's feelings, 140 00:07:13,720 --> 00:07:15,960 Speaker 1: but I also don't want to make a whole thing 141 00:07:16,000 --> 00:07:18,600 Speaker 1: out of this. Is there a protocol for breaking up 142 00:07:18,640 --> 00:07:22,920 Speaker 1: with your therapist? Okay, so I've probably talked about this before, 143 00:07:23,120 --> 00:07:26,320 Speaker 1: but this is probably something that happens more often than 144 00:07:26,320 --> 00:07:28,200 Speaker 1: not with you guys. When you're going to find a 145 00:07:28,200 --> 00:07:30,560 Speaker 1: new therapist or I see a therapist for the first time. 146 00:07:30,640 --> 00:07:32,120 Speaker 1: What do I do if I just, like really don't 147 00:07:32,120 --> 00:07:35,239 Speaker 1: want to keep seeing this person, And to simply answer 148 00:07:35,240 --> 00:07:39,040 Speaker 1: this question, there's not a protocol. You can handle it really, 149 00:07:39,080 --> 00:07:42,600 Speaker 1: however you want, you get to make that decision. I 150 00:07:42,640 --> 00:07:44,880 Speaker 1: would just make sure you would cancel this appointment twenty 151 00:07:44,880 --> 00:07:47,480 Speaker 1: four hours before the session so you don't get charged. 152 00:07:47,880 --> 00:07:51,000 Speaker 1: And that's also like a nice courtesy. If you know 153 00:07:51,040 --> 00:07:53,040 Speaker 1: you're not going to go see this therapist anymore, open 154 00:07:53,120 --> 00:07:55,200 Speaker 1: up that spot because there might be somebody else that 155 00:07:55,240 --> 00:07:58,080 Speaker 1: she can see. And when you just don't show up 156 00:07:58,080 --> 00:08:00,440 Speaker 1: to a session, or if you cancel last minute, that 157 00:08:00,520 --> 00:08:03,360 Speaker 1: kind of sucks for her. So that's okay that you 158 00:08:03,360 --> 00:08:05,800 Speaker 1: don't want to go back to her. Just be kind 159 00:08:05,840 --> 00:08:08,600 Speaker 1: about it. She might ask to talk about it. If 160 00:08:08,640 --> 00:08:11,080 Speaker 1: you email her, call her, or text her to cancel, 161 00:08:11,080 --> 00:08:13,520 Speaker 1: I don't know how she communicates. She might ask to 162 00:08:13,520 --> 00:08:15,200 Speaker 1: talk about it. She might ask you to come in 163 00:08:15,240 --> 00:08:18,360 Speaker 1: for one last session. She might not. The thing about 164 00:08:18,400 --> 00:08:24,200 Speaker 1: this is sometimes it's about something important and sometimes it's 165 00:08:24,240 --> 00:08:26,760 Speaker 1: just not that deep and you're just looking for something else. 166 00:08:26,840 --> 00:08:29,680 Speaker 1: So regardless of how you handle it, I would just 167 00:08:29,720 --> 00:08:32,480 Speaker 1: take some time to be honest about what that is 168 00:08:32,520 --> 00:08:37,360 Speaker 1: that's leading you to not want to see this person anymore. Now, 169 00:08:37,720 --> 00:08:39,280 Speaker 1: if you don't want to talk about it with her, 170 00:08:39,440 --> 00:08:42,839 Speaker 1: that's okay. Your therapist can't her ask you. So if 171 00:08:42,840 --> 00:08:44,280 Speaker 1: she asks you if you want to talk about it 172 00:08:44,320 --> 00:08:46,400 Speaker 1: and you say no, if she asks if you want 173 00:08:46,440 --> 00:08:47,760 Speaker 1: to come in for one more session and you say 174 00:08:47,800 --> 00:08:51,120 Speaker 1: no or you don't answer, she's not going to hunt 175 00:08:51,120 --> 00:08:53,520 Speaker 1: you down. I mean, if she does, then she probably 176 00:08:53,520 --> 00:08:55,920 Speaker 1: should lose her license because that just gets to be 177 00:08:55,960 --> 00:08:58,520 Speaker 1: it you're in charge of if that relationship ends. And 178 00:08:58,600 --> 00:09:00,480 Speaker 1: part of our job is to realize that our clients 179 00:09:00,480 --> 00:09:04,439 Speaker 1: don't owe us anything except you do o us payment 180 00:09:04,640 --> 00:09:07,200 Speaker 1: when you come to a session or when you don't 181 00:09:07,200 --> 00:09:09,200 Speaker 1: cancel and you just don't show up, But you don't 182 00:09:09,240 --> 00:09:11,600 Speaker 1: owe us anything other than that, like we are there 183 00:09:11,679 --> 00:09:15,320 Speaker 1: for you and if we're being honest. I actually just 184 00:09:15,360 --> 00:09:20,000 Speaker 1: did this recently because I am finding a new therapist 185 00:09:20,040 --> 00:09:22,920 Speaker 1: after six years of seeing the same one, and I 186 00:09:22,960 --> 00:09:24,680 Speaker 1: went to somebody. I went to a therapist for the 187 00:09:24,679 --> 00:09:27,200 Speaker 1: first time, and again, this is a new therapist for 188 00:09:27,320 --> 00:09:30,360 Speaker 1: time in like six years, so you know, there was 189 00:09:30,480 --> 00:09:32,240 Speaker 1: I had a lot of emotion about it and it 190 00:09:32,320 --> 00:09:35,400 Speaker 1: just wasn't what I was looking for. And I found 191 00:09:35,400 --> 00:09:40,240 Speaker 1: somebody else who is thirty minutes closer than this therapist. 192 00:09:40,320 --> 00:09:43,480 Speaker 1: So I just simply emailed her and said thank you 193 00:09:43,480 --> 00:09:45,840 Speaker 1: for your time and TOLDR I was canceling my session 194 00:09:45,880 --> 00:09:49,040 Speaker 1: and for that reason that I just said, And that's 195 00:09:49,080 --> 00:09:53,280 Speaker 1: that therapists also break up with therapists, and so it 196 00:09:53,280 --> 00:09:57,080 Speaker 1: doesn't have to be a huge thing. It just can be, hey, 197 00:09:57,240 --> 00:10:01,280 Speaker 1: I'm looking for something different. I just would ask myself 198 00:10:01,400 --> 00:10:03,320 Speaker 1: what is it that I'm looking for that is different? 199 00:10:03,360 --> 00:10:05,240 Speaker 1: What is it that I didn't love about this person? 200 00:10:05,960 --> 00:10:08,360 Speaker 1: Because it's one thing if they say something that hurts 201 00:10:08,400 --> 00:10:11,520 Speaker 1: your feelings or you didn't like or you didn't agree with, 202 00:10:11,720 --> 00:10:14,120 Speaker 1: and you might want to clarify that, because if that's 203 00:10:14,160 --> 00:10:16,520 Speaker 1: why you're leaving, you might want to clarify that to 204 00:10:16,559 --> 00:10:20,000 Speaker 1: make sure that what you got from what they said 205 00:10:20,200 --> 00:10:22,880 Speaker 1: is what they meant before you just throw out that relationship. 206 00:10:22,960 --> 00:10:25,360 Speaker 1: But if it's just a style thing, or if it's 207 00:10:25,440 --> 00:10:29,400 Speaker 1: a location thing or something like that, and you think 208 00:10:29,440 --> 00:10:32,000 Speaker 1: there's a better fit out there for you, you deserve to 209 00:10:32,040 --> 00:10:34,880 Speaker 1: be able to go and find that better fit. So 210 00:10:35,559 --> 00:10:38,400 Speaker 1: that was my long winded way to say, there's no protocol. 211 00:10:38,800 --> 00:10:40,720 Speaker 1: You just get to say, hey, I think I'm gonna 212 00:10:40,760 --> 00:10:43,480 Speaker 1: go find a different therapist. Thank you for your time. 213 00:10:44,040 --> 00:10:46,400 Speaker 1: I wish you well and you don't have to worry 214 00:10:46,400 --> 00:10:50,000 Speaker 1: about our feelings ever again, even though some of you 215 00:10:50,040 --> 00:10:51,559 Speaker 1: just can't help it. But that's something to work on 216 00:10:52,360 --> 00:10:55,480 Speaker 1: in therapy with maybe the next therapist you see. So 217 00:10:55,520 --> 00:10:59,720 Speaker 1: I hope that was helpful as always, and I also, 218 00:11:00,040 --> 00:11:01,920 Speaker 1: as always, hope that you guys are having the day 219 00:11:01,960 --> 00:11:03,640 Speaker 1: you need to have. I will be back with you 220 00:11:03,720 --> 00:11:16,280 Speaker 1: on Monday for a new episode.