WEBVTT - Don't Worry, Be Happy 0:00:00.880 --> 0:00:04.360 This is How Men Think with broths Like and Gavin 0:00:04.400 --> 0:00:08.200 de Grab and I Hear Radio Podcasts. Welcome to another 0:00:08.200 --> 0:00:10.200 episode of How Men Think. My name is brooks Like, 0:00:10.520 --> 0:00:14.920 and I'm super excited about today's episode because we are 0:00:15.000 --> 0:00:19.079 going to help all of our listeners. Everybody is going 0:00:19.079 --> 0:00:20.680 through so much. The state of the world, the state 0:00:20.680 --> 0:00:23.720 of the universe right now is very heavy, very stagnant. 0:00:23.760 --> 0:00:26.200 There's just so much uncertainty in the world. And we 0:00:26.200 --> 0:00:28.319 have done a pole of our community. We've done a 0:00:28.320 --> 0:00:31.520 poll of the women listeners of the How Men Think community, 0:00:31.800 --> 0:00:35.320 and we found out the top five things that our 0:00:35.360 --> 0:00:39.919 community is struggling with. And we have four very special 0:00:39.960 --> 0:00:42.840 guests that will be bringing on today to address these 0:00:42.920 --> 0:00:46.720 five areas. The five areas that we have pulled in 0:00:46.760 --> 0:00:51.000 our community that women are struggling with and most worried 0:00:51.040 --> 0:00:54.200 about right now are number one health, love and family. 0:00:54.600 --> 0:00:57.280 Number two trying to find normalcy and a routine during 0:00:57.280 --> 0:01:02.600 this pandemic. Number three mental health, stress and anxiety, Number 0:01:02.640 --> 0:01:06.839 four what does the future look like? And number five finances. 0:01:07.120 --> 0:01:11.399 So we have four brilliant and very intelligent, very successful 0:01:11.440 --> 0:01:15.120 women coming on the show today to help us answer 0:01:15.200 --> 0:01:17.840 these questions. And help us through the struggle that we 0:01:17.880 --> 0:01:21.880 are currently going through. So without further ado, we have 0:01:21.920 --> 0:01:24.240 our first two guests joining us right now. Our first 0:01:24.280 --> 0:01:28.320 guest is a possibilitarian and board certified coach. She helps 0:01:28.400 --> 0:01:32.560 leaders create workspaces that solve the world's biggest problems. She 0:01:32.680 --> 0:01:36.200 believes that by centering well being, connection, and self awareness, 0:01:36.200 --> 0:01:39.880 we can create the conditions for everyone to succeed. She's 0:01:39.920 --> 0:01:42.840 currently the resident well Being coach at YouTube. She's worked 0:01:42.880 --> 0:01:45.319 with women at Google for over ten years and is 0:01:45.360 --> 0:01:49.360 the founder of the Luminaries. She gives leaders and organizations 0:01:49.360 --> 0:01:52.320 the tools to become their highest selves, go after everything 0:01:52.320 --> 0:01:56.760 they've ever wanted, and work together like never before. Charie Heally, 0:01:57.080 --> 0:02:03.440 welcome back to the show to be here. You saved 0:02:03.440 --> 0:02:04.960 all of us last time you're on the show. You 0:02:05.040 --> 0:02:12.080 fixed all of our problems. They so good Ryan, we 0:02:12.120 --> 0:02:14.320 need Brian's like I need to be on that show. 0:02:14.400 --> 0:02:16.240 Ryan's not with us today. But I think you saved 0:02:16.320 --> 0:02:21.360 Ryan's life. It's the only reason he's continued on. But Sueri, 0:02:21.480 --> 0:02:24.560 thank you so much for being here. Absolutely, thanks for 0:02:24.600 --> 0:02:27.480 having me books welcome. Yes, We're glad to have you. 0:02:27.600 --> 0:02:31.840 Our second guest right here is a clinical Associate Professor 0:02:31.960 --> 0:02:35.400 of psychiatry with the New York Presbyterian Hospital and a 0:02:35.520 --> 0:02:39.160 psychoanalyst at the New York Psychoanalytic Institute. She's best known 0:02:39.200 --> 0:02:42.800 for her work as a relationship, family, emotional well being, 0:02:42.880 --> 0:02:45.480 and mental health and wellness contributor in the media, where 0:02:45.520 --> 0:02:50.359 she frequently shares her expertise on the mental health aspects 0:02:50.600 --> 0:02:53.800 of current issues and news. She's a best selling author 0:02:53.840 --> 0:02:56.920 of numerous books, including her most recent, The Power of 0:02:57.000 --> 0:03:00.600 Different The Link Between Disorder and Genius. She's also the 0:03:00.600 --> 0:03:03.880 host of the Personalogy podcast with My Heart Radio Dr 0:03:03.960 --> 0:03:06.800 Gayl Salts. Welcome to the show. Thanks so much for 0:03:06.840 --> 0:03:09.519 having me. It's really great to be with you. I'm 0:03:09.840 --> 0:03:13.000 so excited to dive into all of these topics with 0:03:13.000 --> 0:03:15.280 you ladies and get your expertise, because I don't know 0:03:15.280 --> 0:03:18.919 if we could have ever found two more qualified people 0:03:18.960 --> 0:03:21.720 to speak on these topics. So once again I'll review 0:03:21.800 --> 0:03:24.560 for you guys and for our listeners the top five 0:03:24.760 --> 0:03:29.160 things that our female listeners are struggling with right now. Health, 0:03:29.520 --> 0:03:34.040 love and family, trying to find a routine and normalcy 0:03:34.120 --> 0:03:40.440 in the pandemic, mental health, stress and anxiety, the future 0:03:41.040 --> 0:03:44.840 and finances, and so I want to lead with you, Shari, 0:03:45.200 --> 0:03:48.640 what are you finding Are you finding that to be 0:03:48.680 --> 0:03:51.040 a common thread with your clients? What are you finding 0:03:51.080 --> 0:03:53.760 most of your clients are struggling with the most right now? Yeah, 0:03:53.920 --> 0:03:56.360 I mean most of the women that I work with. 0:03:56.480 --> 0:03:58.800 I work with men too, but the women are the 0:03:58.800 --> 0:04:04.360 big focus today and they are juggling like crazy, trying 0:04:04.400 --> 0:04:08.880 to show up to work, two kids, to relationship demands 0:04:08.960 --> 0:04:13.560 and themselves and their selves are last. You know, it's 0:04:13.720 --> 0:04:16.800 there there putting themselves on the back burner for all 0:04:16.800 --> 0:04:21.080 the reasons to uphold everybody else's well being. And I 0:04:21.120 --> 0:04:23.040 think that's what I work on a lot with them, 0:04:23.160 --> 0:04:25.320 is saying, the more you want to give, the more 0:04:25.360 --> 0:04:28.040 you need. And if they're going to go out there 0:04:28.240 --> 0:04:31.359 and try to help everybody else and still crush it 0:04:31.400 --> 0:04:35.040 at work and be great parents and all of it, 0:04:35.080 --> 0:04:38.280 that they have to center well being and their own 0:04:38.320 --> 0:04:43.080 mental health as a gift to Yeah. It's such a 0:04:43.120 --> 0:04:46.440 selfless act, right, It's such a selfless act to to 0:04:46.600 --> 0:04:48.960 poor love into your family, to poor love into your partner. 0:04:49.480 --> 0:04:51.359 You know, you have to show up in in the 0:04:51.440 --> 0:04:54.919 work environment as well. That a lot of oftentimes I 0:04:54.960 --> 0:04:57.040 think of myself as well, Like even guys, I think 0:04:57.080 --> 0:04:59.520 as well, we'll put ourselves last and then and then 0:04:59.720 --> 0:05:03.640 what's then It ends up not being sustainable. It ends 0:05:03.680 --> 0:05:06.719 up we end up crashing, We end up um, you 0:05:06.720 --> 0:05:09.920 know what. Depression can come from that because you're not 0:05:10.120 --> 0:05:15.479 personally happy and fulfilled. It's very it's a very difficult 0:05:15.520 --> 0:05:16.680 time for a lot of people. And I don't have 0:05:16.800 --> 0:05:20.000 kids right now, so I don't know what you know. 0:05:20.040 --> 0:05:23.240 I can't I can't have the understanding of what a 0:05:23.400 --> 0:05:26.480 parent is going through trying to juggle kids, juggle the relationship, 0:05:26.560 --> 0:05:29.760 like you said, juggle work, and then also make yourself 0:05:29.839 --> 0:05:34.479 happy in a really unique and chaotic time. Yeah. Yeah, 0:05:34.640 --> 0:05:37.839 And I think that we feel guilty if we're happy. 0:05:38.080 --> 0:05:41.320 Now that's another thing. It's like if I am doing okay, 0:05:41.680 --> 0:05:44.920 Holy cow, that's not fair because so many people are 0:05:44.960 --> 0:05:48.720 really struggling. So there's almost you know what we're doing 0:05:48.920 --> 0:05:52.680 some mental health campaigns at YouTube and even with my 0:05:52.760 --> 0:05:58.880 kids is is people are are almost wearing their mental 0:05:58.920 --> 0:06:06.200 health challenges to be in belonging, you know, to to say, oh, 0:06:06.279 --> 0:06:09.479 I'm I'm not doing okay either, you know where I 0:06:09.520 --> 0:06:12.560 actually think the people who are okay right now. We 0:06:12.640 --> 0:06:15.440 need you, you know, we need we need joy, and 0:06:15.480 --> 0:06:19.320 we need laughter, and we need centered joy so that 0:06:19.520 --> 0:06:21.040 you know we're all going to make it through this. 0:06:21.400 --> 0:06:25.960 I think we're in the marathon. You know. I agree 0:06:26.000 --> 0:06:28.600 with you, Sharie. I think now more than ever, the 0:06:28.640 --> 0:06:32.400 world needs inspiration. Yeah, And I see, I have a 0:06:32.400 --> 0:06:34.760 lot of friends that are struggling during the pandemic, and 0:06:34.760 --> 0:06:36.760 I have a lot of friends that are actually really 0:06:37.040 --> 0:06:40.839 thriving during the pandemic. And it seems that my friends 0:06:40.880 --> 0:06:44.479 that are thriving during it have become very shy to 0:06:44.760 --> 0:06:48.200 share their current state of well being because they don't 0:06:48.240 --> 0:06:49.880 want to, like they don't want to put it in 0:06:49.920 --> 0:06:52.920 front of anybody's face or like make other feels other 0:06:52.920 --> 0:06:56.520 people feel less than um. But I'm like, please share it. 0:06:56.600 --> 0:07:00.880 The world needs that inspiration now more than ever. Gailice 0:07:01.000 --> 0:07:03.520 in the same sort of thing, like across the mental 0:07:03.560 --> 0:07:07.800 health order, you seeing struggle and thriving. Yes, it's fair 0:07:07.839 --> 0:07:10.800 to say, but I would say, obviously, as a psychiatrist 0:07:10.800 --> 0:07:15.440 and psychoanalysts, I am seeing more struggle because I am 0:07:15.680 --> 0:07:18.560 you know that that's my job, and so I'm seeing, 0:07:18.640 --> 0:07:22.640 you know, returned of patients that had been doing well 0:07:22.800 --> 0:07:29.400 and are relapsing. UM. I'm seeing new patients obviously that 0:07:29.680 --> 0:07:33.360 people who had not previously seemed to need mental health 0:07:33.360 --> 0:07:36.880 care need it. UM. I could tell you that surveys 0:07:37.320 --> 0:07:43.880 across the board Psychiatric Association being national institutent mental health UM, 0:07:43.920 --> 0:07:48.400 there's really an explosion of mental health need in anxiety 0:07:48.480 --> 0:07:55.160 disorders and depressive disorders, post traumatic stress disorder, relapsing people 0:07:55.200 --> 0:07:58.200 in terms of addiction, and real concerns that there may 0:07:58.200 --> 0:08:02.040 be arise in suicide's. UM will be reflect back on 0:08:02.200 --> 0:08:05.600 this time. UH, concerns about rising mental health issues and 0:08:05.680 --> 0:08:10.640 health professionals a group that rarely gets mental health care 0:08:10.760 --> 0:08:13.120 because they kind of feel like they're not supposed to, 0:08:13.800 --> 0:08:16.280 but they've been on the front lines of this pandemic 0:08:16.480 --> 0:08:22.440 and the stress, the burnout, the feelings of helplessness have 0:08:22.720 --> 0:08:27.480 really affected health professionals. UM. So I would say, you know, 0:08:27.640 --> 0:08:33.400 I'm I'm very heavily taxed, as are my peers. In 0:08:33.520 --> 0:08:36.760 really trying to help people to do two things. UM. 0:08:36.880 --> 0:08:41.400 One is to think about and incorporate into your life 0:08:41.520 --> 0:08:44.880 preventive mental health care. So we can talk about what 0:08:44.960 --> 0:08:47.400 those things are. But you know, people think all the 0:08:47.440 --> 0:08:49.640 time about preventive care. Right, you go to the doctor 0:08:49.640 --> 0:08:51.840 once a year to have check up, see if you 0:08:51.880 --> 0:08:54.800 have diabetes, or or see if you're heading that direction, 0:08:54.880 --> 0:08:56.920 or your blood pressure is rising, if you need some 0:08:57.200 --> 0:09:00.760 cardiac here to prevent certain diseases from happening. But we 0:09:00.800 --> 0:09:02.839 never think about that with mental health care, and we 0:09:03.160 --> 0:09:06.840 should be because people can definitely be doing things things 0:09:06.840 --> 0:09:10.080 that are are not difficult to incorporate into your life. 0:09:10.120 --> 0:09:13.439 We can talking about aerobic exercise for thirty minutes a 0:09:13.520 --> 0:09:16.679 day multiple times, to be talking about a deep breathing, 0:09:17.040 --> 0:09:22.000 the practice of mindfulness or meditation, um muscle relaxation, us 0:09:22.080 --> 0:09:24.520 of visual imagery, all kinds of things that people can 0:09:24.600 --> 0:09:28.760 do to help stave off and and actually build a 0:09:28.760 --> 0:09:31.599 toolbox of hoping tools a few and more resilient in 0:09:31.720 --> 0:09:35.000 this time. Because really, even though I could tell you, okay, 0:09:35.040 --> 0:09:38.680 I'm not seeing as many people feel great. So I 0:09:38.679 --> 0:09:40.920 want people to understand you don't feel great. That's that's 0:09:40.920 --> 0:09:44.520 pretty normal right now, and that's okay, you can accept that. 0:09:44.880 --> 0:09:46.679 But I do think that we're going to see a 0:09:46.720 --> 0:09:51.360 lot of people afterwards build resilience and feel in some 0:09:51.480 --> 0:09:55.840 ways is stronger and more able than they did before. 0:09:56.520 --> 0:09:59.800 I actually very much agree with you on that. Um. 0:09:59.800 --> 0:10:01.640 In my life as an athlete, I've learned a lot 0:10:01.640 --> 0:10:04.080 about resilience. And we used to say as an athlete, 0:10:04.080 --> 0:10:07.000 where you once blister, you will callous. And I think 0:10:07.040 --> 0:10:09.120 that's what it's going to happen to people right now, 0:10:09.200 --> 0:10:11.600 is they're they're blistering in certain areas, but like you said, 0:10:11.840 --> 0:10:15.600 they're going to be stronger in the future because of it. Um. 0:10:15.679 --> 0:10:17.640 And we also used to say, announce of prevention is 0:10:17.679 --> 0:10:21.080 worth a pound of cure. And but you're right, like 0:10:21.120 --> 0:10:24.120 I've never I've never thought of it in terms of 0:10:24.200 --> 0:10:29.200 mental health preventative care. So can you walk us through 0:10:29.280 --> 0:10:34.400 what some of those things specifically might be where somebody 0:10:34.400 --> 0:10:39.080 can be proactive to defend against the onset of any 0:10:39.120 --> 0:10:43.400 sort of mental health anxiety or illness or trauma upcoming. 0:10:43.840 --> 0:10:46.960 So the two the two most common arenas I think 0:10:46.960 --> 0:10:51.400 of concern are various anxiety issues which people are experiencing 0:10:52.040 --> 0:10:57.000 and various depressive issues which people are experiencing. And um, 0:10:57.080 --> 0:11:00.880 so things like I said, aerubic exercise eyes really getting 0:11:00.880 --> 0:11:03.520 your heart rate up for thirty minutes a day, multiple 0:11:03.559 --> 0:11:06.200 times a week, has been shown to actually go head 0:11:06.200 --> 0:11:09.480 to head with medication from mild to moderate depression. Clinical 0:11:09.520 --> 0:11:14.679 depression definitely reduces anxiety. UM definitely reduced the stress level, 0:11:14.800 --> 0:11:17.880 so that that is that is a no brainer UM 0:11:17.880 --> 0:11:21.280 doing something taking five minutes in the morning and five 0:11:21.360 --> 0:11:24.800 minutes in the day to do something like UM. Deep 0:11:24.880 --> 0:11:29.000 abdominal breathing, which is breathing into your nose to account 0:11:29.000 --> 0:11:33.720 of five and out to account of seven. This pattern 0:11:33.960 --> 0:11:36.000 kind of breathing which it first would feel weird and 0:11:36.040 --> 0:11:39.080 be uncomfortable, and you want to start by doing it 0:11:39.160 --> 0:11:41.319 lying down, since you can put your hand over your 0:11:41.320 --> 0:11:45.479 abdomen and have that part of your lower chest essentially 0:11:46.120 --> 0:11:48.840 for the inhale because you want you want your lungs 0:11:48.880 --> 0:11:52.440 to fill deeply. That kind of pattern breathing actually has 0:11:52.440 --> 0:11:56.680 been shown to really reduce physiologic anxiety, which actually then 0:11:56.840 --> 0:12:01.640 reduced the anxiety in your mind. Similarly, deep muscle relaxation, 0:12:01.720 --> 0:12:05.240 which is squeezing muscle groups starting with your toes and 0:12:05.240 --> 0:12:07.360 eventually moving all the way up to your face to 0:12:07.520 --> 0:12:10.080 account of five as tight as you can, and then 0:12:10.360 --> 0:12:15.640 relaxing it slowly to account of five, again reducing physiological anxiety. 0:12:15.840 --> 0:12:19.839 Social support super important do you have people that you 0:12:19.960 --> 0:12:22.319 have in your life that you can really talk with 0:12:22.440 --> 0:12:25.560 about how you're really feeling. Not the you know, they 0:12:25.600 --> 0:12:27.960 I gotta put on a good face for you kind 0:12:28.000 --> 0:12:31.040 of friends, but like really people that you can be 0:12:31.080 --> 0:12:34.720 intimate with and really talk. UM. Journaling is very helpful 0:12:34.760 --> 0:12:36.959 for some people to really write down their feelings and 0:12:37.120 --> 0:12:40.520 even take their temperature every day to objectively see, like 0:12:40.640 --> 0:12:43.640 on a scale one to ten, how is my new today? 0:12:43.720 --> 0:12:45.560 Like is it am I really having a hard time? 0:12:45.679 --> 0:12:49.000 Or actually I reflect back not so much, which gives 0:12:49.000 --> 0:12:53.800 you perspective. Um. These kinds of things built in really help. UM. 0:12:53.840 --> 0:12:55.960 But I would also tell people that if they are 0:12:56.480 --> 0:13:00.240 finding that they're their mood or their anxiety level is 0:13:00.280 --> 0:13:03.480 interfering with their ability to function day to day at all, 0:13:03.960 --> 0:13:11.040 interrupting sleep, appetite, no libido, really highly irritable or highly hopeless, 0:13:11.320 --> 0:13:15.280 and you can't really function you in your usual way, um, 0:13:15.440 --> 0:13:18.160 even when you make effort, then it might be time 0:13:18.240 --> 0:13:20.680 to you know, just check in with a therapist and 0:13:20.760 --> 0:13:24.320 have an evaluation. Yeah. I also think people who are 0:13:24.840 --> 0:13:26.480 you know how in our friend groups there's like the 0:13:26.559 --> 0:13:32.080 person who usually is the support person for everybody you 0:13:32.120 --> 0:13:34.559 know one final column, the next frontal column, and they 0:13:34.600 --> 0:13:38.319 support everybody. I think those people also, I want to 0:13:38.320 --> 0:13:39.760 if you're one of those people in your friend group, 0:13:39.800 --> 0:13:42.360 I want to encourage you to reach out to people 0:13:42.400 --> 0:13:44.480 as well. I know people in my life who are 0:13:44.559 --> 0:13:47.199 very supportive of many people, and then they're like, man, 0:13:47.360 --> 0:13:49.840 can somebody just ask me how I'm doing instead of 0:13:49.880 --> 0:13:53.240 dumping all of their issues on me. Um So, but 0:13:54.000 --> 0:13:56.240 you need to be open and honest and share your 0:13:56.440 --> 0:13:58.480 I'm a very strong guy as well. I can handle 0:13:58.480 --> 0:14:00.920 a lot of stuff as well, but I've learned as 0:14:00.920 --> 0:14:03.120 well I need to reach out to ask for help. 0:14:03.720 --> 0:14:06.880 I need, you know, because my friends are struggling to 0:14:07.080 --> 0:14:10.000 or or maybe they're doing great or but like it, 0:14:10.800 --> 0:14:13.400 It's very easy for people to somewhat miss you. There's 0:14:13.400 --> 0:14:15.000 a lot going on in the world, a lot going 0:14:15.000 --> 0:14:17.960 on in our lives, and I want to encourage people 0:14:18.000 --> 0:14:21.720 to voice if they have issues, voice it to friends, 0:14:21.760 --> 0:14:24.680 raise it with friends, and it's amazing when you do, 0:14:25.160 --> 0:14:28.000 your friends will line up to help you as much 0:14:28.040 --> 0:14:38.880 as they possibly can. Tree what what can you what 0:14:38.960 --> 0:14:42.080 advice can you give to our listeners right now about 0:14:42.960 --> 0:14:47.440 um about struggling with family, love, and and that kind 0:14:47.440 --> 0:14:50.280 of structure. So kids, let's separate it into kids, and 0:14:50.280 --> 0:14:54.040 then let's start with relationship. People that are struggling with relationship. 0:14:54.080 --> 0:14:56.320 You're gonna advice that you can give to support people 0:14:56.360 --> 0:14:59.840 struggling with relationship. Yeah, I mean, I think Gail would agree. 0:15:00.000 --> 0:15:02.800 She's probably seeing it in her practice to that relationships 0:15:02.800 --> 0:15:04.960 are taking a heavy hit right now. You know, we're 0:15:05.040 --> 0:15:08.240 quarantining with people were all up in each other's business 0:15:08.320 --> 0:15:12.560 more than ever, and I think there's some blessings in that, 0:15:12.600 --> 0:15:15.520 but it's been it's been hard on relationships. I think 0:15:15.560 --> 0:15:18.000 we've heard predictions that divorce rates are going to rise 0:15:18.480 --> 0:15:22.240 during this moment in time, Domestic violence is up, and 0:15:22.360 --> 0:15:26.680 I think for women in particular, we go to fear. 0:15:27.240 --> 0:15:29.560 You know, it's so easy to go to fear right 0:15:29.600 --> 0:15:32.320 now and feel disconnection. I think connection is our number 0:15:32.320 --> 0:15:36.600 one need. It's how we survive through relationship. It's also 0:15:36.720 --> 0:15:40.320 like the number one indicator of job satisfaction or deep 0:15:40.320 --> 0:15:44.440 and meaningful relationships. So um talk about relationships at home 0:15:44.480 --> 0:15:50.080 and at work, because at home, I think communication is 0:15:50.280 --> 0:15:53.640 everything right now, like you know, channel a little burn 0:15:53.640 --> 0:15:59.200 a brown and being super vulnerable and honest about what 0:15:59.280 --> 0:16:02.920 you need and how you're feeling and where where you're hurting. 0:16:03.520 --> 0:16:06.320 You know, there's there's a lot of a lot that 0:16:06.360 --> 0:16:08.480 I work on with people in this realm because I 0:16:08.480 --> 0:16:11.360 don't think we really have these communication structures and these tools. 0:16:11.480 --> 0:16:15.000 We didn't learn them in school. But to baseline start, 0:16:15.080 --> 0:16:18.240 it's just being really real, setting aside time to be 0:16:18.320 --> 0:16:22.520 honest about how you're feeling, and sharing fears because I 0:16:22.600 --> 0:16:25.520 know one of my greatest teachers is saying over and 0:16:25.520 --> 0:16:28.000 over and over again, um, do not let fear be 0:16:28.040 --> 0:16:31.360 your guide. It's the opposite of love. And women, I 0:16:31.400 --> 0:16:36.240 think when we're in our full feminine power, we are love. 0:16:36.600 --> 0:16:39.600 We are the pure vessels of love. And I think 0:16:39.680 --> 0:16:42.160 we look outside of ourselves when we're in fear to 0:16:42.200 --> 0:16:45.120 get it and if we could remember that we're the 0:16:45.160 --> 0:16:48.680 source of it and to do everything that might nurture 0:16:48.840 --> 0:16:52.840 love flowing through our own bodies, and that starts with ourselves, 0:16:53.040 --> 0:16:55.360 which is I see a lot of women being phenomenally 0:16:55.360 --> 0:16:57.160 hard on themselves right now because they just feel like 0:16:57.200 --> 0:17:01.840 they can't do anything well. And so to start really 0:17:02.320 --> 0:17:04.399 with the practices, a lot of what Gail said, I 0:17:04.400 --> 0:17:08.800 would have totally underscored and plus one, um, really looking 0:17:08.840 --> 0:17:11.119 at what are the conditions that I require as a 0:17:11.119 --> 0:17:13.359 woman right now to do my best? What are the 0:17:13.440 --> 0:17:18.439 conditions so at work? If people are loading up workloads 0:17:18.480 --> 0:17:21.880 on me and I I've got workstreams glore and I 0:17:21.920 --> 0:17:26.320 can't ask for help that I will underscore both of 0:17:26.320 --> 0:17:28.960 you saying that that you have to learn how to 0:17:29.000 --> 0:17:33.680 say I actually can't do all this, and delegate and 0:17:33.800 --> 0:17:37.520 learn how to be real with your boss and ask 0:17:37.680 --> 0:17:40.640 for If I'm going to say yes to something, I've 0:17:40.680 --> 0:17:43.480 got to say no to other things, or say no 0:17:43.800 --> 0:17:46.920 to what something's asking somebody's asking for to say yes 0:17:46.960 --> 0:17:50.160 to other things and be real about it. A lot 0:17:50.200 --> 0:17:52.240 of these companies that I work with are very you know, 0:17:52.280 --> 0:17:55.959 we've been trained to be so utterly polite and achieving 0:17:56.040 --> 0:17:58.760 and good and all of this, and it precludes the 0:17:58.840 --> 0:18:01.359 humanity that I think we all need to give ourselves 0:18:01.440 --> 0:18:05.400 right now. It's amazing. Yeah, and UM, further to that, 0:18:05.440 --> 0:18:08.200 when when I think about that, when you're speaking there, 0:18:08.200 --> 0:18:09.880 the thing that I'm listening to or the thing that's 0:18:09.920 --> 0:18:12.280 going on in my mind is when I start to 0:18:12.400 --> 0:18:17.479 feel anxious or have stress about something. The initial reason 0:18:17.520 --> 0:18:21.320 and cause for that is feeling overwhelmed. Yeah, I feel 0:18:21.359 --> 0:18:23.359 overwhelmed and like I gotta do this, I gotta do this, 0:18:23.520 --> 0:18:26.159 get this. I should have said no to something and 0:18:26.200 --> 0:18:29.879 then and then I have anxiety and stress. Um, Gail, 0:18:29.920 --> 0:18:31.960 how do we how do we say no? How do 0:18:32.000 --> 0:18:34.199 we learn to say no? How do we lower that 0:18:34.320 --> 0:18:37.360 overwhelmed feeling? A lot of people are feeling overwhelmed with 0:18:37.520 --> 0:18:41.919 many things, like you said, job, kids, relationship, the upcoming election, 0:18:42.480 --> 0:18:45.360 the future, this how long is this going? Like? How 0:18:45.400 --> 0:18:49.360 do we how do we stop from feeling so overwhelmed? Well, 0:18:49.359 --> 0:18:52.880 a big part right now of people feeling overwhelmed has 0:18:52.960 --> 0:18:56.720 to do with uncertainty. Right, we need to not know 0:18:57.800 --> 0:19:01.120 when this will end, if this will end, and um, 0:19:01.160 --> 0:19:04.680 we you know, on it on a on a global level, right, 0:19:04.720 --> 0:19:07.080 and so it seems like things keep coming and we 0:19:07.119 --> 0:19:10.600 don't know how they'll get resolved, if they'll end, and 0:19:10.640 --> 0:19:14.840 we on a day to day level, there's that creates 0:19:14.880 --> 0:19:18.439 all kinds of uncertainty. You know, people usually feel calmer 0:19:18.520 --> 0:19:22.720 and structure of some sort, and so to have this 0:19:22.920 --> 0:19:29.760 level of constant uncertainty is driving tremendous amount of anxiety 0:19:29.880 --> 0:19:32.879 and then the other feeling you sort of described was 0:19:32.880 --> 0:19:36.800 was the stress of burnout, which is taking on and 0:19:36.840 --> 0:19:40.600 taking on um and and and for women, the numbers 0:19:40.640 --> 0:19:44.360 that recently come out is, you know, women are basically 0:19:44.359 --> 0:19:48.440 working a seventy hour work week because they're the primary 0:19:48.440 --> 0:19:52.680 caretakers usually of the kids, and so they're everybody's at home. 0:19:52.880 --> 0:19:55.399 You know, everybody's working from home. So they're they're working, 0:19:55.680 --> 0:19:58.720 they're working the house, they're working the kids, and they 0:19:58.720 --> 0:20:01.480 have a seven hour work week to to to uh 0:20:01.640 --> 0:20:05.960 their partners fift year work week. So you know, there 0:20:05.960 --> 0:20:10.200 there is like a tremendous amount of burnout and um, 0:20:10.480 --> 0:20:12.600 as Sheeri was was pouring out, like we feel like 0:20:12.640 --> 0:20:15.960 we're supposed to we're we're supposed to be. You know, 0:20:16.080 --> 0:20:18.920 we're really a good woman. We're gonna we're gonna say 0:20:19.000 --> 0:20:23.119 yes to everything and do everything. And you know, so 0:20:23.520 --> 0:20:26.360 as you so you're saying, you keep so two things 0:20:26.400 --> 0:20:29.199 I think have to happen. One is how can you 0:20:29.400 --> 0:20:33.600 learn to live with and accept a degree of uncertainty. 0:20:33.840 --> 0:20:36.760 It's not something that we usually consciously think a lot about, 0:20:37.200 --> 0:20:39.720 but it is something in this instance I'm saying would 0:20:39.720 --> 0:20:43.080 really be helpful to you to think about. Um, you know, 0:20:44.359 --> 0:20:46.960 we basically say, what am I anxious about? It's a 0:20:47.240 --> 0:20:49.879 that's a that's an appropriate danger signal for things going on. 0:20:50.000 --> 0:20:52.520 Let me do my problem solving in relation to that. 0:20:53.280 --> 0:20:56.600 And once I've done whatever concrete problem solving I can do, 0:20:56.760 --> 0:21:03.000 any anxiety left over is just refloat uncertainty anxiety, and 0:21:03.040 --> 0:21:06.200 I have to just let it be. I can't attack it, 0:21:06.359 --> 0:21:09.320 I can't send it off, and just kind of it's 0:21:09.320 --> 0:21:11.800 gonna float there. I don't have to react to it. 0:21:11.920 --> 0:21:14.320 I have to know that there's not a thing to do. 0:21:14.800 --> 0:21:17.639 It just is. And I know that sounds kind of weird, 0:21:17.640 --> 0:21:19.639 but it's something that you actually have the practice, and 0:21:19.680 --> 0:21:22.960 the more you practice it, actually the more the anxiety 0:21:23.040 --> 0:21:26.600 receives because it's the mental if the brand's fight with 0:21:26.640 --> 0:21:30.159 this anxiety about uncertainty, that drives anxiety up. And in 0:21:30.280 --> 0:21:33.320 terms of burnout, what we know from all kinds of 0:21:33.320 --> 0:21:37.440 studies about burnout and care give a burnout, that it happens, 0:21:38.000 --> 0:21:40.600 it's bad for your mind, it's bad for your body. 0:21:40.720 --> 0:21:44.240 It raises your cortisol level, which which creates a lot 0:21:44.280 --> 0:21:46.840 of different kinds of health issues. So it is vitally 0:21:46.920 --> 0:21:50.080 important that if you are the caregiver of everything that 0:21:50.200 --> 0:21:52.760 you simply offload it. You've got to say no to 0:21:52.880 --> 0:21:55.639 some word things You've got to say, you know, to 0:21:55.760 --> 0:21:58.239 your partner, I need you to take this and this 0:21:58.320 --> 0:22:02.479 and this or mom, this is going on. Would you 0:22:02.520 --> 0:22:04.560 be able to do this in this or hey, friend, 0:22:05.280 --> 0:22:09.080 can meet as a community, say today we in my backyard, 0:22:09.119 --> 0:22:11.359 and tomorrow be in your backyard and we'll take you. 0:22:12.160 --> 0:22:16.280 There are ways to sort of brainstorm around bringing people 0:22:16.480 --> 0:22:19.280 in to offload some of the stuff. In addition to 0:22:19.560 --> 0:22:24.120 the saying no, which is hard, as she's pointing out, 0:22:24.119 --> 0:22:27.160 women tend to often feel guilty. I'm not supposed to 0:22:27.800 --> 0:22:30.199 and you just have to like get with yourself and 0:22:30.280 --> 0:22:34.280 say you are not helping anybody. If your well is dry, 0:22:34.400 --> 0:22:38.679 there is no water for anyone, So you have to 0:22:38.720 --> 0:22:41.080 set some of it from an empty Yeah, so you 0:22:41.160 --> 0:22:45.080 have some well. I could just even add on to 0:22:45.320 --> 0:22:48.480 what Gail just said about handling uncertainty. It's so true, 0:22:48.520 --> 0:22:50.320 they say, to people who can handle a lot of 0:22:50.400 --> 0:22:53.119 uncertainty do the best in life. And the way to 0:22:53.240 --> 0:22:57.080 also counterbalance it is to get enough certainty. So dial 0:22:57.160 --> 0:23:00.239 in on what would make you feel safe, what make 0:23:00.320 --> 0:23:03.600 you feel in control? You know, a good plan. I 0:23:03.640 --> 0:23:06.399 always get asked for like what's my plan, you know, 0:23:06.840 --> 0:23:10.520 or really tending to the finances, Like that's another fear 0:23:10.560 --> 0:23:13.840 for a lot of women. So get a great advice 0:23:14.280 --> 0:23:17.840 person on your team, somebody who's in that realm to say, 0:23:17.880 --> 0:23:19.800 take care of me, tell me what I should be 0:23:19.840 --> 0:23:24.160 doing right now. You know, anything that would give you safety, comfort, 0:23:24.320 --> 0:23:30.120