1 00:00:14,916 --> 00:00:23,436 Speaker 1: Pushkin. Hi. Everyone. This episode contains mentions of suicide and 2 00:00:23,556 --> 00:00:28,316 Speaker 1: graphic descriptions of injury, including burns on children. Please take 3 00:00:28,356 --> 00:00:41,196 Speaker 1: care while listening. There's so many important things that go 4 00:00:41,236 --> 00:00:43,236 Speaker 1: on in this world and so many important people. But 5 00:00:43,876 --> 00:00:46,356 Speaker 1: when your life is falling apart, you know, are the 6 00:00:46,396 --> 00:00:49,756 Speaker 1: worst day of your life? I mean, who's more valuable 7 00:00:49,756 --> 00:00:52,156 Speaker 1: than some person who's going to come and fix it, 8 00:00:52,276 --> 00:00:55,436 Speaker 1: or who's going to come and save you. Christy Warren 9 00:00:55,516 --> 00:00:58,716 Speaker 1: served as a firefighter and paramedic in California starting in 10 00:00:58,756 --> 00:01:01,716 Speaker 1: the nineteen nineties. She was committed to being one of 11 00:01:01,756 --> 00:01:05,636 Speaker 1: the toughest and strongest members on her team, and often 12 00:01:05,796 --> 00:01:08,956 Speaker 1: that meant concealing the challenging emotions that came along with 13 00:01:09,236 --> 00:01:14,356 Speaker 1: daily exposure to life and death situations. For decades, Christie 14 00:01:14,356 --> 00:01:18,076 Speaker 1: placed every difficult feeling she experienced into a box in 15 00:01:18,116 --> 00:01:20,956 Speaker 1: the back of her mind. But after a while the 16 00:01:21,036 --> 00:01:24,996 Speaker 1: box became so full it burst open. It was like 17 00:01:25,076 --> 00:01:29,116 Speaker 1: being locked in a movie theater with something just horrible playing, 18 00:01:29,236 --> 00:01:31,116 Speaker 1: with the volume turned all the way up and the 19 00:01:31,156 --> 00:01:33,116 Speaker 1: brightness turned all the way up, and you can't close 20 00:01:33,116 --> 00:01:35,836 Speaker 1: your eyes and you can't get away from it. And 21 00:01:35,956 --> 00:01:39,276 Speaker 1: that would go on for I mean all day until 22 00:01:39,316 --> 00:01:41,716 Speaker 1: I'd fall asleep, and you know, then I'd have nightmares 23 00:01:41,756 --> 00:01:45,236 Speaker 1: and I'd wake up screaming, and I'd flip myself out 24 00:01:45,236 --> 00:01:49,236 Speaker 1: of bed, and I just it was just like the 25 00:01:49,276 --> 00:01:56,236 Speaker 1: most painful thing ever. On today's episode, what Happens when 26 00:01:56,236 --> 00:02:01,596 Speaker 1: a first Responder needs saving, I'm maya Shunker and this 27 00:02:01,676 --> 00:02:04,076 Speaker 1: is a slight change of plans, a show about who 28 00:02:04,116 --> 00:02:06,476 Speaker 1: we are and who we become in the face of 29 00:02:06,516 --> 00:02:12,836 Speaker 1: a big change. I actually got to know Christy Warren 30 00:02:12,876 --> 00:02:15,316 Speaker 1: through a slight change of plans. She was a fan 31 00:02:15,356 --> 00:02:17,396 Speaker 1: of the show and reached out to me about her 32 00:02:17,396 --> 00:02:22,036 Speaker 1: transformative experiences as a first responder. I was really taken 33 00:02:22,076 --> 00:02:26,236 Speaker 1: by Christie's message and her thoughtful, candid nature. I asked 34 00:02:26,276 --> 00:02:27,996 Speaker 1: her if she would join me on the show and 35 00:02:28,116 --> 00:02:31,636 Speaker 1: share her story with all of you. Christie began her 36 00:02:31,676 --> 00:02:34,596 Speaker 1: career in the San Francisco Bay Area. She worked in 37 00:02:34,676 --> 00:02:37,796 Speaker 1: Vallejo as a paramedic, then in Berkeley as a firefighter. 38 00:02:38,396 --> 00:02:41,236 Speaker 1: Her identity as a first responder made her feel valued, 39 00:02:41,676 --> 00:02:44,516 Speaker 1: which was in stark contrast to how she felt growing up. 40 00:02:45,796 --> 00:02:48,756 Speaker 1: I had a pretty challenging childhood. You know, I felt 41 00:02:49,276 --> 00:02:54,396 Speaker 1: pretty invisible. My mom was interested in other stuff, pretty 42 00:02:54,476 --> 00:02:57,836 Speaker 1: much anything besides myself. She was nineteen when she got 43 00:02:57,876 --> 00:03:01,836 Speaker 1: pregnant with me, and she was like a world partygoer, 44 00:03:01,996 --> 00:03:05,796 Speaker 1: and she was really never around much at all. And 45 00:03:05,916 --> 00:03:09,996 Speaker 1: my parents got divorced when I was four, and and 46 00:03:10,036 --> 00:03:13,516 Speaker 1: then my mom got remarried and my stepfather was really 47 00:03:13,556 --> 00:03:16,676 Speaker 1: into drugs, and so she really got into drugs, and 48 00:03:16,716 --> 00:03:20,036 Speaker 1: so when she was around, she wasn't around, if that 49 00:03:20,116 --> 00:03:22,436 Speaker 1: makes any sense. It was like I felt like I 50 00:03:22,476 --> 00:03:26,556 Speaker 1: had to grow up really really fast. It was all 51 00:03:26,596 --> 00:03:30,276 Speaker 1: about like how quickly can I grow up and get 52 00:03:30,316 --> 00:03:32,356 Speaker 1: out of here and not have to be in this 53 00:03:32,476 --> 00:03:36,636 Speaker 1: mess and depend on somebody else and just take care 54 00:03:36,636 --> 00:03:42,436 Speaker 1: of myself and so yeah, so you know, I felt 55 00:03:42,436 --> 00:03:44,516 Speaker 1: real invisible. You know. It's kind of like there's a 56 00:03:44,676 --> 00:03:47,676 Speaker 1: saying like, oh, that's person's only person a mother can love, 57 00:03:47,716 --> 00:03:50,636 Speaker 1: and it's like, well, you know, I felt like it's like, well, 58 00:03:50,756 --> 00:03:53,036 Speaker 1: my mom didn't even love me, so you know what 59 00:03:53,116 --> 00:03:56,676 Speaker 1: does that make me? And I would do a lot 60 00:03:56,676 --> 00:03:58,556 Speaker 1: of stuff to try and get her attention. I always 61 00:03:58,596 --> 00:04:02,076 Speaker 1: would run away. The street that I lived on, though, 62 00:04:02,116 --> 00:04:05,636 Speaker 1: was a tree fort up in this tree, and you know, 63 00:04:05,676 --> 00:04:07,756 Speaker 1: as kids would go play up in there. And then 64 00:04:07,756 --> 00:04:09,476 Speaker 1: one day I was up there by myself, and I 65 00:04:09,556 --> 00:04:13,556 Speaker 1: was like, I'm going to jump and maybe then she'll 66 00:04:13,556 --> 00:04:18,836 Speaker 1: pay attention to me. And so I jumped and I 67 00:04:18,956 --> 00:04:22,836 Speaker 1: landed on my feet, you know, fell forward. It kind 68 00:04:22,836 --> 00:04:24,956 Speaker 1: of took inventory and I was fine, and I was 69 00:04:25,036 --> 00:04:27,836 Speaker 1: kind of pissed because it was like I was hoping. 70 00:04:27,956 --> 00:04:29,636 Speaker 1: I was hoping to get her or break a leg 71 00:04:29,716 --> 00:04:31,876 Speaker 1: or something. So it's like my mom would have to 72 00:04:31,876 --> 00:04:36,396 Speaker 1: take care of me or have to pay attention to me. Wow. 73 00:04:38,796 --> 00:04:42,436 Speaker 1: So Christie, you you ultimately end up training and passing 74 00:04:42,516 --> 00:04:46,676 Speaker 1: all the required tests to become a paramedic. Can you 75 00:04:46,716 --> 00:04:50,716 Speaker 1: tell me more about what those early years were like 76 00:04:50,836 --> 00:04:53,276 Speaker 1: for you? What I would call the golden years of 77 00:04:53,356 --> 00:04:56,916 Speaker 1: Christie's time. You know, they were the golden years. Yeah, No, 78 00:04:57,076 --> 00:05:02,636 Speaker 1: they are totally the golden years. They were. It was 79 00:05:02,756 --> 00:05:05,756 Speaker 1: really the best time of my life. You know. I 80 00:05:05,796 --> 00:05:08,636 Speaker 1: started when I was nineteen, so as in my early twenties, 81 00:05:09,276 --> 00:05:12,876 Speaker 1: and I worked in Valeo. So like the car accidents 82 00:05:13,036 --> 00:05:16,756 Speaker 1: and the shootings and the stabbings and all that kind 83 00:05:16,756 --> 00:05:21,156 Speaker 1: of stuff just were rampant, just all the time, every day, 84 00:05:21,196 --> 00:05:24,916 Speaker 1: and I couldn't get enough I was like a little 85 00:05:24,996 --> 00:05:27,956 Speaker 1: kid in a candy shop. I mean, this sounds horrible, 86 00:05:28,076 --> 00:05:32,276 Speaker 1: but you know, the the bloodier and the worse and 87 00:05:32,356 --> 00:05:38,476 Speaker 1: the more intricate and smashed up things, the better I 88 00:05:38,556 --> 00:05:43,196 Speaker 1: performed and the better I felt afterwards. And you know, 89 00:05:43,436 --> 00:05:45,716 Speaker 1: and I think it also goes back to being needed. 90 00:05:45,956 --> 00:05:49,836 Speaker 1: You know, when there's an accident, everybody slows down and looks, 91 00:05:49,836 --> 00:05:53,076 Speaker 1: and the animals drives by, Everybody kind of looks, and 92 00:05:53,876 --> 00:05:56,436 Speaker 1: for me to like to be there, and how visible 93 00:05:56,476 --> 00:06:00,356 Speaker 1: I would be, It's like I would be where everybody 94 00:06:00,596 --> 00:06:03,236 Speaker 1: not necessarily wanted to be, but wanted to look. And 95 00:06:03,436 --> 00:06:07,916 Speaker 1: I was. I was important and I was valued. And 96 00:06:08,156 --> 00:06:10,236 Speaker 1: I mean there's so many important things that go on 97 00:06:10,316 --> 00:06:12,996 Speaker 1: in this world and so many important people. But when 98 00:06:12,996 --> 00:06:15,596 Speaker 1: your life is falling apart, you know, or the worst 99 00:06:15,676 --> 00:06:19,316 Speaker 1: day of your life, I mean, who's more valuable than 100 00:06:20,196 --> 00:06:21,996 Speaker 1: some person who's going to come and fix it, or 101 00:06:22,036 --> 00:06:26,156 Speaker 1: who's going to come and save you, or even just 102 00:06:26,276 --> 00:06:31,196 Speaker 1: know what to do. And so by being in that environment, 103 00:06:31,396 --> 00:06:38,636 Speaker 1: I felt valued, I felt important, I felt needed, and 104 00:06:38,836 --> 00:06:42,356 Speaker 1: I was visible. I wasn't invisible anymore. Yeah, I mean, 105 00:06:42,356 --> 00:06:44,676 Speaker 1: you say it sounds weird, but it makes so much 106 00:06:44,716 --> 00:06:49,116 Speaker 1: sense that the more the situation calls of you, the 107 00:06:49,196 --> 00:06:52,276 Speaker 1: more valuable you feel, and therefore it might bring out 108 00:06:52,316 --> 00:06:55,796 Speaker 1: the best in you in your first responder skills. Yeah. 109 00:06:55,916 --> 00:06:58,076 Speaker 1: I would have done it for free. I mean I 110 00:06:58,156 --> 00:07:00,956 Speaker 1: just loved I worked so much over time, you know, 111 00:07:00,956 --> 00:07:03,236 Speaker 1: I almost worked every single day. You know, he worked 112 00:07:03,276 --> 00:07:06,276 Speaker 1: twenty four hour shifts, and so I was tired, but 113 00:07:06,436 --> 00:07:09,836 Speaker 1: it was like the most satisfying tired. I just would 114 00:07:09,876 --> 00:07:15,396 Speaker 1: almost say it was bliss. I was so happy. There's 115 00:07:15,436 --> 00:07:18,436 Speaker 1: this moment, relatively early in your career where you get 116 00:07:18,476 --> 00:07:22,396 Speaker 1: a hint of just how psychologically taxing this job can be. 117 00:07:22,796 --> 00:07:27,196 Speaker 1: You end up perceiving one particularly harrowing call in which 118 00:07:27,236 --> 00:07:30,076 Speaker 1: a mother and her four kids are trapped in a 119 00:07:30,116 --> 00:07:32,436 Speaker 1: burning house, and and you're the first person called on 120 00:07:32,476 --> 00:07:38,316 Speaker 1: this scene that night. Do you mind sharing what unfolded? Yeah? Yeah, 121 00:07:38,356 --> 00:07:41,436 Speaker 1: for sure. So yeah, So we I was working on 122 00:07:41,476 --> 00:07:44,876 Speaker 1: the ambulance and we were dispatched to a house fire, 123 00:07:45,116 --> 00:07:49,156 Speaker 1: and the whole second story of the house had flames 124 00:07:49,636 --> 00:07:52,836 Speaker 1: blowing out of it, and there was a mother hanging 125 00:07:52,876 --> 00:07:56,556 Speaker 1: on to a firefighter, just screaming that her kids were inside, 126 00:07:57,676 --> 00:07:59,756 Speaker 1: And so I asked her how many kids are inside, 127 00:07:59,796 --> 00:08:05,636 Speaker 1: and she screamed four and a firefighter at that time 128 00:08:05,716 --> 00:08:09,756 Speaker 1: came out and said, I have one kid. I don't 129 00:08:09,756 --> 00:08:11,396 Speaker 1: know if we can do anything for him. Will you 130 00:08:11,396 --> 00:08:13,156 Speaker 1: come in and look? And I said sure. So I 131 00:08:13,196 --> 00:08:15,996 Speaker 1: went in and it was a would turned out to 132 00:08:15,996 --> 00:08:19,396 Speaker 1: be a four year old kid who was burned beyond recognition, 133 00:08:19,676 --> 00:08:22,796 Speaker 1: you know, he'd no fingers or toes or ears, or 134 00:08:22,876 --> 00:08:27,596 Speaker 1: nose or lips, and so I said, you just I go. No, 135 00:08:27,716 --> 00:08:29,476 Speaker 1: there's nothing we can do for him. I said, but 136 00:08:29,516 --> 00:08:31,876 Speaker 1: you got to leave us inside. You can't take it outside, 137 00:08:31,876 --> 00:08:35,196 Speaker 1: and the mother can't see it, the neighborhood can't see it. 138 00:08:35,836 --> 00:08:37,996 Speaker 1: And I'm very sure I referred to it as an 139 00:08:37,996 --> 00:08:40,436 Speaker 1: it and not a he or a she. So I 140 00:08:40,476 --> 00:08:44,036 Speaker 1: went back out, and then a firefighter came running out 141 00:08:44,076 --> 00:08:46,916 Speaker 1: and handed me and his kid. You know, his legs 142 00:08:46,916 --> 00:08:49,516 Speaker 1: and arms were bouncing because it's so limp and has 143 00:08:49,596 --> 00:08:53,276 Speaker 1: you know, skin has burned off of him, like hanging 144 00:08:53,716 --> 00:08:55,956 Speaker 1: like a spider web. And he hands me this kid, 145 00:08:56,156 --> 00:08:59,036 Speaker 1: and I'm like, okay, And so I jump in the 146 00:08:59,036 --> 00:09:00,636 Speaker 1: back of my ambulance and I put the kid on 147 00:09:00,676 --> 00:09:02,716 Speaker 1: the gurney and I'm just starting to try and get 148 00:09:02,716 --> 00:09:05,916 Speaker 1: it airway, and another firefighter comes out with another kid 149 00:09:05,956 --> 00:09:08,276 Speaker 1: and hands me the kid and I put him on 150 00:09:08,316 --> 00:09:11,876 Speaker 1: my gurney. And then another firefighter comes out with another 151 00:09:11,956 --> 00:09:16,236 Speaker 1: kid in the same condition, and so I happened to 152 00:09:16,236 --> 00:09:20,276 Speaker 1: the back of my ambulance again and like almost looked 153 00:09:20,276 --> 00:09:21,796 Speaker 1: for a second, like, Hey, which kid do I pick 154 00:09:21,876 --> 00:09:24,756 Speaker 1: to start working on first? Like who deserves to live 155 00:09:24,796 --> 00:09:31,116 Speaker 1: more than the other? Um? Yeah, we all we all 156 00:09:31,156 --> 00:09:33,396 Speaker 1: went to the hospital after that with our kids and 157 00:09:33,476 --> 00:09:36,516 Speaker 1: did they survive? To the three children of four survived. 158 00:09:37,276 --> 00:09:40,356 Speaker 1: The three children did survive. A couple of them had 159 00:09:40,436 --> 00:09:43,716 Speaker 1: like severe severe burns, and you know, I went we 160 00:09:43,716 --> 00:09:46,716 Speaker 1: went to the hospital to see him afterwards, and the 161 00:09:46,796 --> 00:09:48,916 Speaker 1: one kid was, you know, like a two year old 162 00:09:49,156 --> 00:09:52,036 Speaker 1: was in you know bed, It was laying on its back. 163 00:09:52,156 --> 00:09:54,996 Speaker 1: It was just completely wrapped in gauze. It had tubes 164 00:09:55,036 --> 00:09:58,636 Speaker 1: coming out of everywhere. And and my thought was, like, 165 00:09:59,276 --> 00:10:01,036 Speaker 1: nobody's going to be able to pick this kid up 166 00:10:01,036 --> 00:10:06,636 Speaker 1: and hold it for for months and months and months, 167 00:10:06,756 --> 00:10:08,436 Speaker 1: and what this kid's gonna have to go through this 168 00:10:08,596 --> 00:10:10,516 Speaker 1: of all the and that had been burned off, you 169 00:10:10,556 --> 00:10:14,596 Speaker 1: mean yeah, burned off and yeah wow, uh, but they 170 00:10:14,636 --> 00:10:21,876 Speaker 1: did the three of them they survived, and then what 171 00:10:21,956 --> 00:10:26,676 Speaker 1: was the um what was the aftermath of this? It 172 00:10:26,756 --> 00:10:29,036 Speaker 1: was kind of a big deal in the community, and 173 00:10:29,116 --> 00:10:33,756 Speaker 1: so they did what it's called a critical instance stress debriefing. 174 00:10:34,476 --> 00:10:36,716 Speaker 1: So what happens is, you know, it's totally confidential, and 175 00:10:36,916 --> 00:10:39,396 Speaker 1: everybody sits in a circle and kind of go around 176 00:10:39,436 --> 00:10:41,716 Speaker 1: the room and you know, say what we did on 177 00:10:41,716 --> 00:10:45,516 Speaker 1: the call, and you know, any feelings we had afterwards, 178 00:10:45,516 --> 00:10:47,516 Speaker 1: and it's this kind of a way to like bring 179 00:10:47,516 --> 00:10:50,316 Speaker 1: closure to it, and you know, have everybody talked together. 180 00:10:50,396 --> 00:10:53,676 Speaker 1: And so everybody was going around the room and everybody 181 00:10:53,756 --> 00:10:57,356 Speaker 1: was crying and like just talking and through tears, and 182 00:10:57,996 --> 00:11:01,036 Speaker 1: it came to me and I was like, well, I 183 00:11:01,116 --> 00:11:03,756 Speaker 1: was the first medical scene, and I just kind of 184 00:11:03,836 --> 00:11:06,076 Speaker 1: told the story what I did, like I was talking 185 00:11:06,116 --> 00:11:10,836 Speaker 1: about a frantic mom and or severely burned kids, like 186 00:11:10,876 --> 00:11:13,036 Speaker 1: I was talking about a trip to the grocery store. 187 00:11:14,516 --> 00:11:17,076 Speaker 1: I wasn't trying to push down any feelings. In fact, 188 00:11:17,076 --> 00:11:19,076 Speaker 1: I was trying to cry because I felt like such 189 00:11:19,116 --> 00:11:22,276 Speaker 1: an asshole for not crying, Like my god, my heartless, 190 00:11:22,316 --> 00:11:26,196 Speaker 1: and and I just kind of went on and it, 191 00:11:26,516 --> 00:11:30,316 Speaker 1: you know, didn't I didn't think it affected me at all, 192 00:11:30,796 --> 00:11:32,756 Speaker 1: And I think I just put it in a box 193 00:11:32,796 --> 00:11:34,676 Speaker 1: somewhere and close the lid and was able to not 194 00:11:34,756 --> 00:11:38,436 Speaker 1: look at it again. It's like you take these bad 195 00:11:38,476 --> 00:11:40,436 Speaker 1: calls and you put them in a box and you 196 00:11:40,516 --> 00:11:42,996 Speaker 1: close the lid, and so you don't see it and 197 00:11:42,996 --> 00:11:45,636 Speaker 1: you don't hear it, and it's just pushed away somewhere. 198 00:11:46,436 --> 00:11:50,236 Speaker 1: And that's what I did my whole career. Had you 199 00:11:50,796 --> 00:11:55,396 Speaker 1: ever been given training about the psychological and emotional size 200 00:11:55,396 --> 00:12:02,076 Speaker 1: of the job. Nothing, absolutely nothing, never taught anything at all. Yeah, no, clue. 201 00:12:02,356 --> 00:12:05,196 Speaker 1: The whole thing is about, you know, suck it up, buttercup. 202 00:12:05,236 --> 00:12:08,156 Speaker 1: And if you're not, if you get sad about anything, 203 00:12:08,276 --> 00:12:11,116 Speaker 1: or if you feel anything, then then you're just you 204 00:12:11,156 --> 00:12:14,436 Speaker 1: can't hang and so you just you just go on. 205 00:12:17,676 --> 00:12:23,716 Speaker 1: I'm wondering, were there other coping mechanisms you found yourself 206 00:12:23,756 --> 00:12:28,396 Speaker 1: employing just to survive in a role like this, you know. 207 00:12:28,436 --> 00:12:31,716 Speaker 1: So yeah, one thing one thing we do is is 208 00:12:31,836 --> 00:12:34,796 Speaker 1: rationalize kind of what happened. And you know, even for 209 00:12:34,876 --> 00:12:37,556 Speaker 1: that fire, was like, well, the mom was next door, 210 00:12:37,636 --> 00:12:40,636 Speaker 1: she should have been with her kids, and you know, 211 00:12:40,676 --> 00:12:43,236 Speaker 1: and there's a drunk driver that you know, runs into 212 00:12:43,236 --> 00:12:45,716 Speaker 1: a tree and it's like she went drinking or they 213 00:12:45,716 --> 00:12:49,916 Speaker 1: didn't wear their seatbelt, you know, or you know, they 214 00:12:49,916 --> 00:12:51,996 Speaker 1: shouldn't have been out this late at night, Like who 215 00:12:52,036 --> 00:12:54,116 Speaker 1: goes out at two in the morning and doesn't expect 216 00:12:54,116 --> 00:12:56,916 Speaker 1: to get you know, shot or stabbed or robbed, and 217 00:12:56,916 --> 00:13:01,156 Speaker 1: and so, yeah, so we would rationalize it. And in rationalizing, 218 00:13:01,196 --> 00:13:05,076 Speaker 1: I'm assuming that this was your effort to just draw 219 00:13:05,916 --> 00:13:09,916 Speaker 1: psychological and emotional distance between you and the person that 220 00:13:10,276 --> 00:13:13,236 Speaker 1: was wounded. Yeah, that that felt, was that that gave 221 00:13:13,236 --> 00:13:16,676 Speaker 1: you some sort of emotional protection, is that right? Right? 222 00:13:17,196 --> 00:13:20,516 Speaker 1: Kind of like they brought this on themselves and they 223 00:13:20,556 --> 00:13:23,276 Speaker 1: should have known better, and yeah, it sucks, but they 224 00:13:23,276 --> 00:13:25,956 Speaker 1: should have they should have done something different, because if 225 00:13:25,956 --> 00:13:28,996 Speaker 1: they're culpable, then there can be limits on the amount 226 00:13:28,996 --> 00:13:33,196 Speaker 1: of empathy that you feel. Exactly, Yes, hit the nail 227 00:13:33,196 --> 00:13:36,196 Speaker 1: on the head, Yeah, got it. Okay, it's really interesting. 228 00:13:38,116 --> 00:13:43,196 Speaker 1: So your performance, Christie starts getting noticed by leaders in 229 00:13:43,236 --> 00:13:46,636 Speaker 1: the fire department, right. Yeah. So yeah, I was a 230 00:13:46,636 --> 00:13:50,636 Speaker 1: brand new firefighter and I had a captain who said, 231 00:13:51,196 --> 00:13:53,396 Speaker 1: we are waiting for somebody, and he says, hey, he goes, 232 00:13:53,596 --> 00:13:55,956 Speaker 1: I'm hearing really good things about you. I'm hearing you're 233 00:13:55,956 --> 00:13:58,316 Speaker 1: a really good medic and I hear you can definitely 234 00:13:58,356 --> 00:14:01,676 Speaker 1: hold your own on the fire ground and I said, well, 235 00:14:01,716 --> 00:14:04,956 Speaker 1: that's nice. You know, I appreciate that. And you know, 236 00:14:04,996 --> 00:14:07,596 Speaker 1: and he said, you know, women don't typically make it 237 00:14:07,596 --> 00:14:10,836 Speaker 1: to retirement, and he was being malicious in anyway. He 238 00:14:10,916 --> 00:14:12,956 Speaker 1: was just saying, you know, that's just kind of what happens. 239 00:14:12,996 --> 00:14:16,716 Speaker 1: And you know, we're smaller, and you know, when you're 240 00:14:16,716 --> 00:14:18,796 Speaker 1: in the industry for a long time, you know, everything 241 00:14:19,316 --> 00:14:22,596 Speaker 1: gets trained and torned and pushed, and so you know, 242 00:14:22,636 --> 00:14:26,756 Speaker 1: women tend to retire early due to an injury or 243 00:14:26,876 --> 00:14:29,636 Speaker 1: sometimes her body just can't hold up anymore, and so 244 00:14:29,956 --> 00:14:31,436 Speaker 1: you know they'll go to a desk job, like in 245 00:14:31,516 --> 00:14:35,436 Speaker 1: fire prevention. And boy, he said that, and I reacted like, 246 00:14:35,476 --> 00:14:37,836 Speaker 1: there's no way in hell that that's going to be me. 247 00:14:38,076 --> 00:14:41,076 Speaker 1: I will make it to retirement. I'm not going to 248 00:14:41,116 --> 00:14:44,316 Speaker 1: be one of those token women. If a man goes 249 00:14:44,356 --> 00:14:46,916 Speaker 1: down in a fire, you know, everybody will say, you know, 250 00:14:46,956 --> 00:14:50,076 Speaker 1: what a hero he gave it, as all this is 251 00:14:50,116 --> 00:14:53,636 Speaker 1: so tragic. But if a woman goes down in a fire, 252 00:14:54,036 --> 00:14:57,076 Speaker 1: what has typically said is she shouldn't have been there 253 00:14:57,076 --> 00:14:59,196 Speaker 1: in the first place, Like the reason why she went 254 00:14:59,236 --> 00:15:02,876 Speaker 1: down is because she couldn't handle it. And that's kind 255 00:15:02,876 --> 00:15:06,676 Speaker 1: of the narrative for I mean for a very long time. 256 00:15:07,676 --> 00:15:13,236 Speaker 1: And and so yeah, so you know, my goal was 257 00:15:13,276 --> 00:15:15,756 Speaker 1: to work my ass off and never be that woman 258 00:15:15,796 --> 00:15:19,236 Speaker 1: who shouldn't have been there. Yeah, and you were carrying, 259 00:15:20,436 --> 00:15:23,756 Speaker 1: I guess on your shoulders this big achievement for women 260 00:15:23,756 --> 00:15:27,036 Speaker 1: in your field, right, Like, if I make it to retirement, 261 00:15:27,196 --> 00:15:31,636 Speaker 1: then I represent what's possible for women exactly exactly, you know. 262 00:15:31,676 --> 00:15:33,596 Speaker 1: And I also said too, I will never be the 263 00:15:33,676 --> 00:15:36,676 Speaker 1: weak link in the chain. I will not be like 264 00:15:36,716 --> 00:15:40,636 Speaker 1: the weak person on the engine. I will always step 265 00:15:40,716 --> 00:15:43,596 Speaker 1: up and do my job. And if I am weak 266 00:15:43,676 --> 00:15:45,436 Speaker 1: in some area, I will go work on it and 267 00:15:45,476 --> 00:15:49,116 Speaker 1: become stronger in that area. I will drag myself to 268 00:15:49,196 --> 00:15:52,516 Speaker 1: retirement if I have to. And that was just and 269 00:15:52,876 --> 00:15:55,836 Speaker 1: that does kind of become a mantra for me, and 270 00:15:56,156 --> 00:15:59,236 Speaker 1: it's just like, yeah, there's there's no question. Where do 271 00:15:59,276 --> 00:16:03,156 Speaker 1: you think that drive came from. I have no doubt 272 00:16:03,156 --> 00:16:05,596 Speaker 1: it came from my childhood. You know, I played sports 273 00:16:05,596 --> 00:16:09,556 Speaker 1: a lot, and and that was kind of the only 274 00:16:09,596 --> 00:16:12,796 Speaker 1: time that I would get any recognition or anybody would 275 00:16:12,876 --> 00:16:15,116 Speaker 1: notice me. Is you know, when I really stood out 276 00:16:15,156 --> 00:16:19,156 Speaker 1: and did something great. And you know, my mom would 277 00:16:19,156 --> 00:16:20,956 Speaker 1: come to some of the games, and when I did 278 00:16:20,996 --> 00:16:23,716 Speaker 1: really well, it's like she'd run around and tell everybody 279 00:16:23,716 --> 00:16:27,836 Speaker 1: that I'm her mother and she's my daughter, and it 280 00:16:27,916 --> 00:16:30,316 Speaker 1: was like, well that's nice, Like, you know, can you 281 00:16:30,476 --> 00:16:32,956 Speaker 1: do that when we're at home? And I don't know. 282 00:16:33,396 --> 00:16:35,916 Speaker 1: So that was when I got That's when I got 283 00:16:35,956 --> 00:16:39,116 Speaker 1: noticed or paid attention to. Is when I was when 284 00:16:39,116 --> 00:16:41,636 Speaker 1: I did something really great. Yeah, you like, can I 285 00:16:41,676 --> 00:16:45,316 Speaker 1: just get noticed when I'm not doing something extraordinary exactly 286 00:16:45,356 --> 00:16:48,036 Speaker 1: when I'm just kind of being me? Yeah? Yeah, just 287 00:16:48,116 --> 00:16:52,436 Speaker 1: being me? Wow. Okay, So you have this conversation with him, 288 00:16:52,436 --> 00:16:55,556 Speaker 1: you have this resolve, and I'm going to fast forward 289 00:16:55,596 --> 00:16:59,436 Speaker 1: now roughly fifteen years. You're called to the scene of 290 00:16:59,436 --> 00:17:04,076 Speaker 1: a fire and you're asked to identify if there are 291 00:17:04,116 --> 00:17:07,636 Speaker 1: any humans still in that building. So yeah, so we 292 00:17:07,636 --> 00:17:12,436 Speaker 1: were dispatched to how fire and were got their second 293 00:17:12,476 --> 00:17:15,116 Speaker 1: and the first engine had already gone in and knocked 294 00:17:15,156 --> 00:17:18,076 Speaker 1: out most of the fire. Me and my crew were 295 00:17:18,076 --> 00:17:22,036 Speaker 1: sent in and battalion chief told me, you know, everybody 296 00:17:22,036 --> 00:17:25,396 Speaker 1: out here keeps saying that there's somebody inside still. He 297 00:17:25,436 --> 00:17:27,236 Speaker 1: goes I don't think there is, but will you and 298 00:17:27,276 --> 00:17:29,236 Speaker 1: your crew I please go in and just make sure 299 00:17:29,236 --> 00:17:33,516 Speaker 1: there's nobody in there still. And I'm like absolutely, So, 300 00:17:33,996 --> 00:17:36,436 Speaker 1: you know, we went up there, and the way the 301 00:17:36,476 --> 00:17:39,996 Speaker 1: fire had burned was really strange, and it kind of 302 00:17:40,276 --> 00:17:43,396 Speaker 1: distracted me, and it distracted my crew a little bit, 303 00:17:43,476 --> 00:17:46,836 Speaker 1: and we looked around. We kind of poked our head 304 00:17:46,876 --> 00:17:49,356 Speaker 1: in there, but didn't look really well. And like I said, 305 00:17:49,356 --> 00:17:52,076 Speaker 1: we were distracted by some other stuff going on. And 306 00:17:52,996 --> 00:17:55,276 Speaker 1: so I called down the radio and I said, you know, 307 00:17:55,276 --> 00:17:59,836 Speaker 1: it's all clear, there's nobody in here. So my firefighter 308 00:17:59,836 --> 00:18:03,236 Speaker 1: and I were at one end of the hall and 309 00:18:03,636 --> 00:18:07,516 Speaker 1: I just like kind of was churning my head, and 310 00:18:07,596 --> 00:18:11,716 Speaker 1: I looked down the hallway and here comes to firefighters 311 00:18:11,756 --> 00:18:17,196 Speaker 1: like awkwardly carrying a man who's just you know, completely 312 00:18:17,236 --> 00:18:22,596 Speaker 1: ashen and limp. And it's like everything went into slow 313 00:18:22,636 --> 00:18:29,076 Speaker 1: motion for me, like I just fucked up so bad, 314 00:18:29,516 --> 00:18:32,356 Speaker 1: Like this guy's been in here and I couldn't find him. 315 00:18:33,676 --> 00:18:37,636 Speaker 1: And they carried him down the stairs and put him 316 00:18:37,636 --> 00:18:39,476 Speaker 1: in the amulance and the amilts took him away, and 317 00:18:39,636 --> 00:18:41,716 Speaker 1: you know, he's dead. He'd been dead for a while. 318 00:18:44,796 --> 00:18:46,676 Speaker 1: And then I and then I went on like the 319 00:18:46,716 --> 00:18:50,316 Speaker 1: rest of the night, like nothing had really happened, and 320 00:18:50,396 --> 00:18:52,156 Speaker 1: you know, just finished with other stuff that we had 321 00:18:52,156 --> 00:18:53,916 Speaker 1: to do and other work we had to do, and 322 00:18:54,196 --> 00:18:56,636 Speaker 1: went back to our station, took showers, and went on 323 00:18:56,676 --> 00:18:59,876 Speaker 1: with it. So yeah, So I came home the next 324 00:18:59,956 --> 00:19:03,716 Speaker 1: day and I started talking about this call like incessantly, 325 00:19:03,756 --> 00:19:05,916 Speaker 1: and I didn't really realize that I was doing that, 326 00:19:05,996 --> 00:19:08,636 Speaker 1: but Lisa, my wife, said, you know, you've been on 327 00:19:08,716 --> 00:19:12,436 Speaker 1: way calls a thousand times, but you never talked about 328 00:19:12,476 --> 00:19:16,516 Speaker 1: him like this one. And I think what I was 329 00:19:16,756 --> 00:19:21,236 Speaker 1: doing was I was trying to somehow, you know, rationalize 330 00:19:21,276 --> 00:19:24,116 Speaker 1: what happened by like talking about it over and over, 331 00:19:24,276 --> 00:19:26,876 Speaker 1: maybe something would come through where I would rationalize it. 332 00:19:26,876 --> 00:19:30,636 Speaker 1: And I just couldn't do that on this call. I 333 00:19:30,676 --> 00:19:34,596 Speaker 1: was sure that on this call, there was something that 334 00:19:34,756 --> 00:19:37,356 Speaker 1: I could have done to make it different, to make 335 00:19:37,436 --> 00:19:41,196 Speaker 1: the outcome different, to you know, that that guy would 336 00:19:41,196 --> 00:19:43,196 Speaker 1: have lived if I had just done this, or if 337 00:19:43,196 --> 00:19:44,756 Speaker 1: I had just done that, or if I just found 338 00:19:44,836 --> 00:19:47,596 Speaker 1: him sooner, or if I just got on scene sooner. 339 00:19:48,396 --> 00:19:50,556 Speaker 1: And you know, we kind of we call that magical 340 00:19:50,596 --> 00:19:54,196 Speaker 1: thinking that there was something I could do to change it. 341 00:19:54,716 --> 00:19:57,276 Speaker 1: And when you look back and you know all the 342 00:19:57,316 --> 00:19:59,276 Speaker 1: facts are said and done, it's like there's nothing I 343 00:19:59,316 --> 00:20:02,836 Speaker 1: could have done. He was passed away, you know, before 344 00:20:02,876 --> 00:20:06,516 Speaker 1: anybody got on scene. I think magical thinking is such 345 00:20:06,516 --> 00:20:10,876 Speaker 1: an understandable response. I mean, in cognitive science, there is 346 00:20:10,916 --> 00:20:13,556 Speaker 1: a concept called the illusion of control, which is the 347 00:20:13,596 --> 00:20:16,596 Speaker 1: idea that that's the same thing. Yeah, yeah, we think 348 00:20:16,676 --> 00:20:19,396 Speaker 1: we have more control over outcomes than we actually do. 349 00:20:19,516 --> 00:20:22,596 Speaker 1: And in this context, Christie, that makes so much sense 350 00:20:22,596 --> 00:20:26,756 Speaker 1: to me, because in order for you to keep working 351 00:20:26,756 --> 00:20:29,836 Speaker 1: on the front lines in such dangerous settings, it is 352 00:20:29,876 --> 00:20:32,236 Speaker 1: important to feel that you are in control and you 353 00:20:32,276 --> 00:20:34,396 Speaker 1: are making a difference. And so when good things happen, 354 00:20:34,436 --> 00:20:36,476 Speaker 1: you want to take full ownership of the good thing happening. 355 00:20:36,876 --> 00:20:38,956 Speaker 1: But of course, the flip side to that is when 356 00:20:38,956 --> 00:20:42,556 Speaker 1: things don't go well, even when it's due to factors 357 00:20:43,276 --> 00:20:45,716 Speaker 1: entirely out of your control, as very well made in 358 00:20:45,716 --> 00:20:47,836 Speaker 1: the case for this gentleman that was in the building, 359 00:20:47,876 --> 00:20:53,916 Speaker 1: still you're equally likely to put responsibility on yourself, right 360 00:20:53,996 --> 00:20:57,716 Speaker 1: in this case, to blame yourself absolutely. And that's something 361 00:20:57,756 --> 00:21:01,116 Speaker 1: that first responders, like all of us do because that's 362 00:21:01,156 --> 00:21:03,636 Speaker 1: who we are as we're rescuers, and if we don't 363 00:21:03,636 --> 00:21:06,796 Speaker 1: rescue somebody, then we do something wrong and we're not 364 00:21:06,836 --> 00:21:10,196 Speaker 1: a rescuer anymore, and then we're basically a failure. And 365 00:21:10,676 --> 00:21:14,516 Speaker 1: so I started noticing something was going on with me. 366 00:21:15,876 --> 00:21:21,036 Speaker 1: I was angry, I was irritable. I stopped sleeping, you know, 367 00:21:21,316 --> 00:21:23,116 Speaker 1: when the tones would go off for a call, and 368 00:21:23,156 --> 00:21:26,596 Speaker 1: it didn't matter what kind of call, my anxiety would 369 00:21:26,636 --> 00:21:31,596 Speaker 1: just it just the physiological response to getting a call, 370 00:21:31,716 --> 00:21:35,436 Speaker 1: even if it was for something totally minor, was the 371 00:21:35,476 --> 00:21:37,716 Speaker 1: same as if you know, they had said there's some 372 00:21:38,036 --> 00:21:40,316 Speaker 1: huge school shooting and you're going to be first in, 373 00:21:40,396 --> 00:21:44,476 Speaker 1: and it was the same exact response. And then another 374 00:21:44,516 --> 00:21:48,556 Speaker 1: big thing that would start happening to me is it's 375 00:21:48,596 --> 00:21:52,076 Speaker 1: a like a videotape, like would play on a loop 376 00:21:52,116 --> 00:21:55,556 Speaker 1: of calls that I've been on, like in the last 377 00:21:55,716 --> 00:21:57,836 Speaker 1: you know, twenty five years, over my whole career, and 378 00:21:58,356 --> 00:22:01,996 Speaker 1: calls that I never even you've really thought of in 379 00:22:02,036 --> 00:22:05,076 Speaker 1: the years and years and years, Like I had a 380 00:22:05,076 --> 00:22:08,276 Speaker 1: call involving a water delivery truck and it had ran 381 00:22:08,356 --> 00:22:11,596 Speaker 1: over a professor or on the campus, and so we 382 00:22:11,596 --> 00:22:14,556 Speaker 1: were scrambling to get the truck lifted. So we could 383 00:22:14,596 --> 00:22:16,436 Speaker 1: get the guy out, and by the time we got 384 00:22:16,516 --> 00:22:19,796 Speaker 1: him out, he was dead. So every time I'd see 385 00:22:19,836 --> 00:22:25,196 Speaker 1: this certain water delivery truck, like this videotape would start 386 00:22:25,276 --> 00:22:28,156 Speaker 1: playing in my head and it would start off, you know, 387 00:22:28,236 --> 00:22:32,756 Speaker 1: with two with obviously that water truck call, and then 388 00:22:33,116 --> 00:22:35,116 Speaker 1: you know, I had a call where there's a husband 389 00:22:35,156 --> 00:22:37,196 Speaker 1: and a wife were rejected out of a car after 390 00:22:37,276 --> 00:22:38,956 Speaker 1: they hit a tree, and I was the only medic 391 00:22:38,996 --> 00:22:41,476 Speaker 1: on scene. And then it would go to the call 392 00:22:41,556 --> 00:22:44,276 Speaker 1: with all those kids in that fire, and then when 393 00:22:44,316 --> 00:22:46,396 Speaker 1: to go to this other gruesome call, and it and 394 00:22:46,516 --> 00:22:48,756 Speaker 1: another call and another call, and it just played in 395 00:22:48,756 --> 00:22:50,476 Speaker 1: the sloop in my head and it got to the 396 00:22:50,476 --> 00:22:54,836 Speaker 1: point where I couldn't turn it off, and um, you know, 397 00:22:54,836 --> 00:22:56,836 Speaker 1: like for example, I was I was playing tennis with 398 00:22:56,916 --> 00:22:59,956 Speaker 1: my wife one time and and she stops and walks 399 00:22:59,956 --> 00:23:02,476 Speaker 1: to the net and says, where are you? And I said, 400 00:23:02,516 --> 00:23:05,996 Speaker 1: I'm I'm in Berkeley trying to extricate this kid out 401 00:23:05,996 --> 00:23:08,676 Speaker 1: of this car right now. And my mind would go 402 00:23:08,716 --> 00:23:11,116 Speaker 1: there and it would just stay there and I couldn't 403 00:23:11,756 --> 00:23:14,276 Speaker 1: I couldn't get out of my head. It was it 404 00:23:14,396 --> 00:23:17,516 Speaker 1: was like being locked in a movie theater with something 405 00:23:17,556 --> 00:23:20,276 Speaker 1: just horrible playing with the volume turned all the way 406 00:23:20,396 --> 00:23:22,076 Speaker 1: up and the brightness turned all the way up and 407 00:23:22,076 --> 00:23:24,436 Speaker 1: you can't close your eyes and you can't get away 408 00:23:24,476 --> 00:23:27,916 Speaker 1: from it. And that would go on for I mean 409 00:23:27,956 --> 00:23:30,796 Speaker 1: all day, yeah, and you know until I'd fall asleep, 410 00:23:30,836 --> 00:23:33,516 Speaker 1: and you know, then I'd have nightmares and I'd wake 411 00:23:33,596 --> 00:23:37,236 Speaker 1: up screaming and I'd flip myself out of bed. And 412 00:23:38,196 --> 00:23:41,596 Speaker 1: I had a nightmare in particular where somebody had thrown 413 00:23:41,636 --> 00:23:43,876 Speaker 1: a toddler into the pool and so I jumped into 414 00:23:43,956 --> 00:23:46,156 Speaker 1: save him, but I couldn't. I couldn't break the plane 415 00:23:46,156 --> 00:23:48,956 Speaker 1: of the water. And my dream and what it was 416 00:23:48,956 --> 00:23:50,836 Speaker 1: was I was trying to dive into my bed like 417 00:23:50,876 --> 00:23:53,876 Speaker 1: my bed was the water. And you know, my wife 418 00:23:53,876 --> 00:23:56,796 Speaker 1: finally woke me up, and I mean, I just so 419 00:23:56,836 --> 00:23:59,076 Speaker 1: many dreams like that of trying to save somebody and 420 00:23:59,116 --> 00:24:01,876 Speaker 1: I just couldn't get to him in time. And so 421 00:24:02,076 --> 00:24:05,836 Speaker 1: that's what my nights became. And you know, the daytime 422 00:24:05,916 --> 00:24:09,996 Speaker 1: was a video and anxiety and anger, and my nights 423 00:24:10,036 --> 00:24:14,396 Speaker 1: were those nightmares. It sounds like hell on earth, wow, 424 00:24:14,876 --> 00:24:18,076 Speaker 1: And I just it was just like the most painful 425 00:24:18,116 --> 00:24:23,556 Speaker 1: thing ever. We'll be back in a moment with a 426 00:24:23,596 --> 00:24:36,676 Speaker 1: slight change of plans. Christie Warren had placed all of 427 00:24:36,716 --> 00:24:39,636 Speaker 1: her painful feelings and memories into a box for more 428 00:24:39,676 --> 00:24:43,516 Speaker 1: than two decades. The box was now open, and despite 429 00:24:43,516 --> 00:24:47,316 Speaker 1: her best efforts, she just could not close it. During 430 00:24:47,356 --> 00:24:50,516 Speaker 1: the day, Christie's mind played an endless loop of graphic 431 00:24:50,556 --> 00:24:53,676 Speaker 1: images she had seen in her work, and at night, 432 00:24:54,036 --> 00:24:58,156 Speaker 1: violent dreams kept her awake and rattled. She finally felt 433 00:24:58,196 --> 00:25:01,556 Speaker 1: it was time to see a therapist. I really walked 434 00:25:01,556 --> 00:25:03,356 Speaker 1: in there with the attitude of like, okay, fixed me, 435 00:25:03,436 --> 00:25:05,316 Speaker 1: Like let's do this, let's talk about this, and then 436 00:25:05,356 --> 00:25:06,836 Speaker 1: I'm going to get back to work, and I'm not 437 00:25:06,836 --> 00:25:09,436 Speaker 1: going to fill any of the stuff anymore. And so, 438 00:25:09,636 --> 00:25:11,156 Speaker 1: you know, I told her what was going on, and 439 00:25:11,236 --> 00:25:14,396 Speaker 1: she says, you have PTSD and I said, oh no, 440 00:25:14,436 --> 00:25:20,116 Speaker 1: I don't. That's impossible. I'm and I'm not patting myself 441 00:25:20,156 --> 00:25:21,676 Speaker 1: on the back, but I am one of the toughest 442 00:25:21,676 --> 00:25:26,716 Speaker 1: people out there, and this, this is not possible. I 443 00:25:26,756 --> 00:25:29,556 Speaker 1: can't have PTSD. And she's like, well, I really think 444 00:25:29,596 --> 00:25:34,276 Speaker 1: you do. And I just kept saying like nope, let's 445 00:25:34,316 --> 00:25:37,916 Speaker 1: fix me, like give me some breathing exercises or give me, 446 00:25:38,236 --> 00:25:41,076 Speaker 1: you know, something to make this stuff stop. And and 447 00:25:41,436 --> 00:25:45,876 Speaker 1: but that's it. I can't. I can't go there. I can't. 448 00:25:45,676 --> 00:25:47,396 Speaker 1: I have to work. You know, if you ask me 449 00:25:47,396 --> 00:25:49,476 Speaker 1: what's the very worst thing that could ever happen to me, 450 00:25:50,156 --> 00:25:52,596 Speaker 1: it would be getting PTSD and not being able to 451 00:25:52,596 --> 00:25:56,396 Speaker 1: do my job because of, you know, some emotional weakness. 452 00:26:00,476 --> 00:26:02,796 Speaker 1: Say more about that that it would be the worst 453 00:26:03,676 --> 00:26:06,916 Speaker 1: imaginable thing to happen to you. You know, when I 454 00:26:06,956 --> 00:26:09,436 Speaker 1: was going through this and I was off work, I 455 00:26:09,516 --> 00:26:12,676 Speaker 1: was watching some video about the Boston marathon bombing and 456 00:26:12,756 --> 00:26:14,956 Speaker 1: there was a guy in there had lost his legs, 457 00:26:15,916 --> 00:26:18,516 Speaker 1: and I was like, I'd give anything to lose my 458 00:26:18,596 --> 00:26:21,956 Speaker 1: legs instead of having this, because it's it's like more 459 00:26:21,996 --> 00:26:25,756 Speaker 1: honorable to lose your legs, and it's so dishonorable, and 460 00:26:25,796 --> 00:26:30,796 Speaker 1: it's just so shameful to cry at work and have 461 00:26:30,916 --> 00:26:34,156 Speaker 1: anxiety and like not be able to handle your job. 462 00:26:34,316 --> 00:26:36,076 Speaker 1: You know, if you lose your legs, you lose your legs, 463 00:26:36,076 --> 00:26:38,356 Speaker 1: there's nothing you can do about it. But but to 464 00:26:38,836 --> 00:26:41,676 Speaker 1: emotionally not be able to handle your job, and it's 465 00:26:41,716 --> 00:26:45,716 Speaker 1: just totally unacceptable. So yeah, so I continue to work, 466 00:26:45,716 --> 00:26:47,476 Speaker 1: and she kept saying he takes some time off and 467 00:26:47,516 --> 00:26:49,636 Speaker 1: I kept saying, you know, no, I can handle this, 468 00:26:49,756 --> 00:26:53,076 Speaker 1: and you know I'll figure out a way. So I 469 00:26:53,116 --> 00:26:54,756 Speaker 1: got off work one morning, and I've been at work 470 00:26:54,836 --> 00:26:58,356 Speaker 1: for probably almost four days in a row. Every time 471 00:26:58,396 --> 00:27:00,236 Speaker 1: I got off work, I'd start crying on the way home. 472 00:27:00,756 --> 00:27:02,876 Speaker 1: So this day I said, I'm not gonna cry, Like 473 00:27:02,916 --> 00:27:04,756 Speaker 1: I'm gonna make it home and I'm not gonna cry. 474 00:27:05,716 --> 00:27:07,876 Speaker 1: And so I fought it and fought it, fought it, 475 00:27:07,916 --> 00:27:10,476 Speaker 1: and I made it all the way home without crying, 476 00:27:11,196 --> 00:27:13,076 Speaker 1: and I sent my wife a text and I said, 477 00:27:13,316 --> 00:27:15,876 Speaker 1: I got this, Like I didn't cry on the way home. 478 00:27:16,316 --> 00:27:18,716 Speaker 1: I got this. And then I was going to go 479 00:27:18,756 --> 00:27:21,116 Speaker 1: meet somebody to play tennis. And I got in my 480 00:27:21,116 --> 00:27:24,756 Speaker 1: car to drive to the tennis courts, and the whole 481 00:27:24,756 --> 00:27:30,596 Speaker 1: world came just tumbling down on me. It I was, 482 00:27:31,316 --> 00:27:34,756 Speaker 1: it's just everything just blew open and blew apart, and 483 00:27:34,796 --> 00:27:36,636 Speaker 1: I was like, I can't do this anymore. I can't. 484 00:27:36,916 --> 00:27:40,756 Speaker 1: I can't go back to work. I just can't. And 485 00:27:40,836 --> 00:27:44,396 Speaker 1: then my only option is to either kill myself or 486 00:27:44,596 --> 00:27:47,236 Speaker 1: really to hurt myself so bad that like even if 487 00:27:47,276 --> 00:27:49,996 Speaker 1: I'm in a coma for a month, I don't have 488 00:27:50,036 --> 00:27:51,636 Speaker 1: to go back to work for a month and I 489 00:27:51,716 --> 00:27:55,996 Speaker 1: don't have to tell anybody why. You know, people will 490 00:27:56,036 --> 00:27:58,796 Speaker 1: care about me and worry about me, and no one 491 00:27:58,796 --> 00:28:00,956 Speaker 1: will call me a pussy and nobody will know what 492 00:28:01,036 --> 00:28:04,396 Speaker 1: happened to me that I can't handle my job. And 493 00:28:05,036 --> 00:28:11,276 Speaker 1: it's like that that just sounds amazing. And I I 494 00:28:11,276 --> 00:28:15,156 Speaker 1: started looking for you know, pull to drive into, and 495 00:28:15,156 --> 00:28:17,556 Speaker 1: then I'm like, yeah, poles fall over too easily, and 496 00:28:17,756 --> 00:28:20,516 Speaker 1: need to find a nice, dirty tree. And then I 497 00:28:20,556 --> 00:28:22,876 Speaker 1: started thinking about the first responders that would go out 498 00:28:22,916 --> 00:28:24,916 Speaker 1: on me, and I'd just be adding another thing to 499 00:28:24,956 --> 00:28:28,356 Speaker 1: their box and put them through, you know, more stuff, 500 00:28:28,396 --> 00:28:30,796 Speaker 1: and and so I was like, just make it to 501 00:28:30,836 --> 00:28:33,796 Speaker 1: the tennis courts, like, just get yourself there. And I 502 00:28:33,916 --> 00:28:36,996 Speaker 1: somehow managed to get myself there, and I sent my 503 00:28:36,996 --> 00:28:40,716 Speaker 1: wife a text and I said, no matter what I 504 00:28:40,796 --> 00:28:43,196 Speaker 1: say or how much better I feel after my four 505 00:28:43,276 --> 00:28:46,396 Speaker 1: days off, I said, you cannot let me go back 506 00:28:46,436 --> 00:28:50,116 Speaker 1: to work like I can't. And so that it was 507 00:28:50,156 --> 00:28:54,076 Speaker 1: then that I realized I gotta do something about this, 508 00:28:54,276 --> 00:28:57,076 Speaker 1: like for real, I need help and I can't just 509 00:28:57,196 --> 00:29:01,276 Speaker 1: keep pushing this away. And so the next day, you know, 510 00:29:01,316 --> 00:29:04,556 Speaker 1: I called work and said I gotta I can't come 511 00:29:04,556 --> 00:29:09,636 Speaker 1: into work. And you know, they asked me why had 512 00:29:09,676 --> 00:29:11,756 Speaker 1: I pause for a long time? Because it's like, all right, 513 00:29:11,756 --> 00:29:14,836 Speaker 1: what's everybody gonna start talking about me? And it's supposed 514 00:29:14,876 --> 00:29:17,476 Speaker 1: to be confidential, but you know who knows. And so 515 00:29:17,556 --> 00:29:21,036 Speaker 1: I told the battalion chief and I go, this is 516 00:29:21,036 --> 00:29:23,836 Speaker 1: the hardest thing that I've ever done in my life. 517 00:29:24,876 --> 00:29:27,076 Speaker 1: It is to say I can't come into work, and 518 00:29:27,236 --> 00:29:29,716 Speaker 1: you know, turning this paperwork in it was it was 519 00:29:29,756 --> 00:29:35,276 Speaker 1: the hardest thing I'd ever done. And at this moment, 520 00:29:35,396 --> 00:29:37,756 Speaker 1: do you plan to still come back? I mean, was 521 00:29:37,756 --> 00:29:41,156 Speaker 1: that the spirit with which you were having this conversation? Yeah? Absolutely. 522 00:29:41,556 --> 00:29:43,236 Speaker 1: I actually went and talk to the fire chief and 523 00:29:44,676 --> 00:29:46,756 Speaker 1: you know, I'm crying in his office, and I said, 524 00:29:46,996 --> 00:29:49,596 Speaker 1: I'm gonna I'm gonna get better. I'm gonna fix this, 525 00:29:49,676 --> 00:29:51,636 Speaker 1: and I'm coming back to work, like there's no doubt 526 00:29:51,636 --> 00:29:54,436 Speaker 1: about it. You know, save my seat. I'm coming back. 527 00:29:54,756 --> 00:29:57,716 Speaker 1: I absolutely will come back. This will not this will 528 00:29:57,756 --> 00:30:00,996 Speaker 1: not win. Yeah, because I'm assuming in the back of 529 00:30:00,996 --> 00:30:03,476 Speaker 1: your mind you're thinking I'm gonna make it to that 530 00:30:03,556 --> 00:30:09,356 Speaker 1: damn retirement. I made a commitment to myself, right yep. Yeah. 531 00:30:09,676 --> 00:30:12,116 Speaker 1: Can I just pause and say like, I'm so filled 532 00:30:12,116 --> 00:30:15,196 Speaker 1: with gratitude that you're with us on this planet today, 533 00:30:16,596 --> 00:30:18,996 Speaker 1: and I'm so glad that you thought of those first responders. 534 00:30:19,116 --> 00:30:21,516 Speaker 1: You're the sweetest, thank you very much. That means a lot. 535 00:30:21,596 --> 00:30:24,956 Speaker 1: I'm so grateful that you're here. I am too, actually 536 00:30:25,316 --> 00:30:29,396 Speaker 1: very grateful. Yeah, I know that after you decide to 537 00:30:29,396 --> 00:30:32,156 Speaker 1: take time off of work, you get wind of a 538 00:30:32,196 --> 00:30:37,196 Speaker 1: retreat that's exclusively dedicated to helping support first responders who 539 00:30:37,196 --> 00:30:40,716 Speaker 1: are suffering from PTSD and it's called the West Coast 540 00:30:40,756 --> 00:30:44,516 Speaker 1: Post Trauma Retreat. So yeah, so I had like three 541 00:30:44,636 --> 00:30:46,596 Speaker 1: or four people tell me, like, you know, like my 542 00:30:46,676 --> 00:30:49,356 Speaker 1: therapist and the workers' comp lawyer and a couple other 543 00:30:49,396 --> 00:30:51,476 Speaker 1: people are like, you need to go to this retreat. 544 00:30:51,476 --> 00:30:52,676 Speaker 1: And I'm like, I don't need to go to some 545 00:30:52,716 --> 00:30:55,756 Speaker 1: sixth day residential retreat. I'm I'm not like one of them. 546 00:30:56,836 --> 00:30:59,476 Speaker 1: And so finally things got really bad where I was like, okay, 547 00:30:59,596 --> 00:31:02,436 Speaker 1: you know, I'll go. So I ended up going in 548 00:31:02,516 --> 00:31:06,236 Speaker 1: January and they put us all at the same table, 549 00:31:06,836 --> 00:31:08,276 Speaker 1: and you know, so I've been sitting at a table 550 00:31:08,276 --> 00:31:14,996 Speaker 1: with other firefighters and police officers and dispatchers, and and 551 00:31:15,116 --> 00:31:17,036 Speaker 1: I look around the room and there's like probably a 552 00:31:17,116 --> 00:31:20,476 Speaker 1: total of twenty four people in there, and I'm like, 553 00:31:20,636 --> 00:31:25,156 Speaker 1: all these people here have gone through what I'm going through. 554 00:31:25,676 --> 00:31:27,516 Speaker 1: You know, we we go through this thing where we 555 00:31:27,516 --> 00:31:29,236 Speaker 1: talk about our symptoms and it's like we all have 556 00:31:29,316 --> 00:31:32,436 Speaker 1: the same symptoms. And it was the first time that 557 00:31:32,516 --> 00:31:35,316 Speaker 1: I realized and it was like the greatest gift in 558 00:31:35,356 --> 00:31:38,956 Speaker 1: the whole world that I'm not alone. It's like, I'm 559 00:31:39,036 --> 00:31:42,756 Speaker 1: not I'm not the only one. And you know, there 560 00:31:42,636 --> 00:31:46,196 Speaker 1: were there were some badass dudes in that room, like 561 00:31:46,276 --> 00:31:51,116 Speaker 1: these big, tattered out, tough asked dudes in that room, 562 00:31:51,396 --> 00:31:54,316 Speaker 1: and it was like like if it can happen to them, 563 00:31:54,716 --> 00:31:58,596 Speaker 1: it's like it's okay that this happened to me. And 564 00:31:58,916 --> 00:32:03,116 Speaker 1: realizing that I wasn't alone and that I'm not you know, 565 00:32:03,116 --> 00:32:04,916 Speaker 1: I always thought like, we have one hundred and twenty 566 00:32:04,916 --> 00:32:07,036 Speaker 1: five uniform people in my department. Why am I the 567 00:32:07,116 --> 00:32:13,196 Speaker 1: only one that can't handle their shit? And so we 568 00:32:13,236 --> 00:32:15,756 Speaker 1: get there in the afternoon, and then on the first 569 00:32:15,796 --> 00:32:18,676 Speaker 1: morning that we're there, every morning we do a check in. 570 00:32:18,756 --> 00:32:21,036 Speaker 1: Everybody goes around the room and you know, does it 571 00:32:21,156 --> 00:32:26,876 Speaker 1: check in? And I start crying, like I haven't said 572 00:32:26,916 --> 00:32:31,556 Speaker 1: anything nobody. It's nothing like anything profound that somebody said. 573 00:32:31,636 --> 00:32:35,076 Speaker 1: I just start crying and I can't stop crying, and 574 00:32:35,196 --> 00:32:38,556 Speaker 1: people are talking and I just keep crying. And there's 575 00:32:38,596 --> 00:32:42,116 Speaker 1: two therapists, there are two clinicians, and one of them Mark, 576 00:32:42,436 --> 00:32:45,796 Speaker 1: he's one of the founders of this retreat. He says, hey, 577 00:32:45,876 --> 00:32:50,076 Speaker 1: let's stop for a minute. And he and he says, 578 00:32:50,476 --> 00:32:52,876 Speaker 1: he says Christi. He goes, what's going on with you? 579 00:32:54,756 --> 00:32:57,196 Speaker 1: And I shit, you not. I turned behind me and 580 00:32:57,236 --> 00:32:58,956 Speaker 1: I looked behind me, like who are you talking to? 581 00:32:59,116 --> 00:33:02,156 Speaker 1: Like you're not talking to me? Like like you stop 582 00:33:02,276 --> 00:33:06,756 Speaker 1: this whole room and everything to check on me and 583 00:33:06,916 --> 00:33:12,876 Speaker 1: ask how I am. And it's like it's like nobody's 584 00:33:12,916 --> 00:33:19,956 Speaker 1: done that before. And it was like I was It's 585 00:33:19,956 --> 00:33:22,916 Speaker 1: like I was seen for the first time. You know, 586 00:33:22,956 --> 00:33:25,356 Speaker 1: I'm not putting on my best foot. In fact, it 587 00:33:25,396 --> 00:33:27,036 Speaker 1: felt like it was my worst foot forward. I was 588 00:33:27,556 --> 00:33:33,676 Speaker 1: crying and and not keeping my shit together and I 589 00:33:33,716 --> 00:33:37,236 Speaker 1: was seeing being, like I said, just being in my 590 00:33:37,316 --> 00:33:43,916 Speaker 1: worst or not at my best, and and that that really, 591 00:33:45,836 --> 00:33:48,636 Speaker 1: that kind of that was like started my journey. That's 592 00:33:48,756 --> 00:33:52,956 Speaker 1: that started my healing. I should say, Yeah, it was 593 00:33:52,996 --> 00:33:58,676 Speaker 1: pretty profound. Wow, Yeah, what I'm hearing in this moment 594 00:33:58,796 --> 00:34:03,756 Speaker 1: is your discovery that you, Christie, can still be noticed 595 00:34:03,796 --> 00:34:06,236 Speaker 1: and still be visible to others, and still be cared 596 00:34:06,236 --> 00:34:10,556 Speaker 1: for even when you're not in this hero role, right, 597 00:34:10,636 --> 00:34:13,356 Speaker 1: even when you're not performing in your first responder role. 598 00:34:13,716 --> 00:34:15,076 Speaker 1: And i'd even more than that, at one of the 599 00:34:15,076 --> 00:34:18,396 Speaker 1: lowest moments of your life, exactly, people still care about you. 600 00:34:18,396 --> 00:34:22,396 Speaker 1: You're still valuable. Yeah, I'm worthy, just the way I was, 601 00:34:22,756 --> 00:34:38,516 Speaker 1: just the way I am. Yeah. Can you share a 602 00:34:38,556 --> 00:34:43,116 Speaker 1: bit more, Christy about how your relationship with your PTSD 603 00:34:43,396 --> 00:34:46,996 Speaker 1: changed through this experience? You know, no longer coding it 604 00:34:47,036 --> 00:34:49,676 Speaker 1: as a failure. You know, it's funny to use that 605 00:34:49,756 --> 00:34:52,076 Speaker 1: word failure because that's a word that I used all 606 00:34:52,076 --> 00:34:56,076 Speaker 1: the time. Is I would constantly say I'm a failure, 607 00:34:56,156 --> 00:34:58,316 Speaker 1: Like I failed at this, I failed at everything. I 608 00:34:58,316 --> 00:35:00,636 Speaker 1: swore to myself, thought I would never depend on anybody, 609 00:35:00,676 --> 00:35:03,716 Speaker 1: that I would be a super tough, strong firefighter that 610 00:35:03,716 --> 00:35:06,836 Speaker 1: could withstand anything, and we'll make it to retirement. And 611 00:35:07,036 --> 00:35:11,196 Speaker 1: I was just an utter failure. And then at this retreat, 612 00:35:11,316 --> 00:35:15,676 Speaker 1: I learned that I didn't fail. It was it was 613 00:35:15,716 --> 00:35:19,036 Speaker 1: like almost what my greatest strength was also my greatest weakness. 614 00:35:19,076 --> 00:35:24,196 Speaker 1: My ability to do so well under pressure and perform 615 00:35:24,836 --> 00:35:28,356 Speaker 1: under these incredible circumstances and shove this stuff away was 616 00:35:28,396 --> 00:35:34,036 Speaker 1: also what made me get PTSD and that it was 617 00:35:34,156 --> 00:35:38,236 Speaker 1: a physical injury. Like I was so blown away when 618 00:35:38,276 --> 00:35:42,156 Speaker 1: I heard that that it's actually your amygdala basically gets 619 00:35:42,596 --> 00:35:45,156 Speaker 1: turned on high alert and there is no switch to 620 00:35:45,236 --> 00:35:47,076 Speaker 1: turn it off, and you can't turn it off, and 621 00:35:47,156 --> 00:35:51,276 Speaker 1: your brain, your brain changes shape, you can, you know, 622 00:35:51,316 --> 00:35:54,636 Speaker 1: you go into a brain scan and and somebody who 623 00:35:54,636 --> 00:35:57,196 Speaker 1: ask PTSD and somebody who doesn't, their brains will look 624 00:35:57,196 --> 00:36:00,396 Speaker 1: totally different and there's nothing you can do about. It 625 00:36:00,436 --> 00:36:03,156 Speaker 1: has nothing to do with you and your strength. It's 626 00:36:03,156 --> 00:36:06,036 Speaker 1: like no different than getting cancer or breaking a leg 627 00:36:06,196 --> 00:36:10,876 Speaker 1: or it's just it's on you know, physiological injury. And 628 00:36:10,916 --> 00:36:15,396 Speaker 1: when I learned that it just I was just dumbfounded. 629 00:36:15,476 --> 00:36:21,476 Speaker 1: It was like, Wow, this isn't me, Like I didn't fail. Yeah. 630 00:36:21,516 --> 00:36:25,836 Speaker 1: I know there's a stigma around addressing any mental health 631 00:36:25,836 --> 00:36:30,156 Speaker 1: related issues and something like the fire service, but there's 632 00:36:30,196 --> 00:36:34,196 Speaker 1: an additional stigma placed on taking medication. And I know 633 00:36:34,276 --> 00:36:36,596 Speaker 1: for you that was actually the final step for you 634 00:36:36,676 --> 00:36:40,836 Speaker 1: to really heal was to be willing to take that 635 00:36:40,916 --> 00:36:44,076 Speaker 1: leap and actually say no, I need medication to help 636 00:36:44,196 --> 00:36:47,916 Speaker 1: this injury in my brain, to help it heal. Yeah. 637 00:36:47,956 --> 00:36:50,396 Speaker 1: You know, I was doing better after the retreat, and 638 00:36:50,436 --> 00:36:53,316 Speaker 1: I was feeling better, and I still have some spiraling times. 639 00:36:53,396 --> 00:36:57,476 Speaker 1: And I had one spiral that couldn't shake no matter 640 00:36:57,516 --> 00:36:59,956 Speaker 1: what I did. And then when I learned it was 641 00:36:59,996 --> 00:37:04,476 Speaker 1: a physical injury, and I felt like I could do 642 00:37:04,596 --> 00:37:07,996 Speaker 1: all that I could do myself in terms of healing myself. 643 00:37:08,036 --> 00:37:09,396 Speaker 1: And you know, I could tell myself if I was 644 00:37:09,396 --> 00:37:11,876 Speaker 1: a good person and I was worthy and all this 645 00:37:11,996 --> 00:37:14,276 Speaker 1: kind of stuff. I was like, I might as well 646 00:37:14,276 --> 00:37:21,516 Speaker 1: try medication. And I tried medication and it worked, and 647 00:37:21,636 --> 00:37:23,716 Speaker 1: I was like, why didn't I do this a long 648 00:37:23,756 --> 00:37:26,556 Speaker 1: time ago? It puts the floor under you. I didn't 649 00:37:26,596 --> 00:37:28,956 Speaker 1: spiral anymore. You know, I had my moments, but I'd 650 00:37:29,076 --> 00:37:33,516 Speaker 1: hit a landing instead of just continuing to fall. And yeah, 651 00:37:33,516 --> 00:37:36,556 Speaker 1: the medications made just all the difference in the world. 652 00:37:36,636 --> 00:37:41,316 Speaker 1: And they turned off they turned off that videotape, and 653 00:37:41,796 --> 00:37:46,476 Speaker 1: they slowed the nightmares down. I could sleep, and everything 654 00:37:46,516 --> 00:37:51,316 Speaker 1: started changing. My brain started healing. So you ultimately decide, 655 00:37:51,436 --> 00:37:54,796 Speaker 1: Christie that you will not actually return to the fire 656 00:37:54,836 --> 00:38:00,276 Speaker 1: department yeah. See, I really wanted to go back to work, 657 00:38:00,516 --> 00:38:04,276 Speaker 1: and I kept saying like, I might go back to work, 658 00:38:04,356 --> 00:38:06,956 Speaker 1: Like even up until the very end, in the back 659 00:38:06,996 --> 00:38:08,316 Speaker 1: of my head, I knew I wasn't going to go 660 00:38:08,356 --> 00:38:10,756 Speaker 1: back to work, but I didn't want to like face it, 661 00:38:11,356 --> 00:38:14,116 Speaker 1: you know, I didn't want to close the lid or 662 00:38:14,156 --> 00:38:17,236 Speaker 1: close the book quite yet. And I made some comment 663 00:38:17,276 --> 00:38:19,876 Speaker 1: about going back to work, and my wife looked at 664 00:38:19,916 --> 00:38:22,596 Speaker 1: me deadpan and says, you can go back to work, 665 00:38:22,636 --> 00:38:25,316 Speaker 1: but I'm not going to stick around for it. And 666 00:38:25,396 --> 00:38:27,556 Speaker 1: we've been together for twenty eight years and been through 667 00:38:27,596 --> 00:38:29,596 Speaker 1: thick and thin, and and for her to say that 668 00:38:29,836 --> 00:38:33,196 Speaker 1: it really hit home that, like, yeah, why would I 669 00:38:33,676 --> 00:38:35,436 Speaker 1: Why would I do that to myself? And why would 670 00:38:35,476 --> 00:38:37,676 Speaker 1: I do this to her? Because what she's gone through 671 00:38:37,756 --> 00:38:41,476 Speaker 1: has just been hell. Also, yeah, the families go through 672 00:38:41,556 --> 00:38:45,276 Speaker 1: so much. And one of the stations I worked at 673 00:38:45,316 --> 00:38:47,236 Speaker 1: on my shift, they kept bugging me to come in 674 00:38:47,276 --> 00:38:49,636 Speaker 1: for dinner and I'd say, yeah, I'll come in, and 675 00:38:49,676 --> 00:38:51,636 Speaker 1: I'd always find a reason not to, just because of 676 00:38:51,676 --> 00:38:55,276 Speaker 1: the anxiety. And I was so afraid. And then finally 677 00:38:55,276 --> 00:38:57,156 Speaker 1: when I was I felt like I was up to it. 678 00:38:58,036 --> 00:39:04,796 Speaker 1: I went back and had dinner, and I was I 679 00:39:04,916 --> 00:39:08,596 Speaker 1: was so blown away with how they treated me and 680 00:39:10,756 --> 00:39:13,836 Speaker 1: and yeah, nobody, nobody looked down on me, and nobody 681 00:39:13,876 --> 00:39:16,276 Speaker 1: thought I was weak. I even pulled one of the 682 00:39:16,316 --> 00:39:18,236 Speaker 1: guys aside and I said, hey, I go, so, what's 683 00:39:18,276 --> 00:39:21,836 Speaker 1: everybody's saying about me? And he goes, nobody's talking about you. 684 00:39:21,956 --> 00:39:24,396 Speaker 1: He says, we're all talking about that. If this can 685 00:39:24,476 --> 00:39:26,436 Speaker 1: happen to you, this can happen to any of us, 686 00:39:27,356 --> 00:39:29,196 Speaker 1: and we need to get our ship together as a 687 00:39:29,236 --> 00:39:31,716 Speaker 1: department and do something about this so this doesn't happen 688 00:39:31,756 --> 00:39:37,196 Speaker 1: to anybody else. And I was just so blown away 689 00:39:37,236 --> 00:39:40,116 Speaker 1: that just how much they cared for me. And here 690 00:39:40,156 --> 00:39:42,356 Speaker 1: I thought the whole time that they would look down 691 00:39:42,356 --> 00:39:46,396 Speaker 1: on me and say horrible things about me, and and 692 00:39:46,436 --> 00:39:48,796 Speaker 1: I just was treated with so much love and kindness 693 00:39:48,836 --> 00:39:51,476 Speaker 1: and and like respect, you know, like there were some 694 00:39:51,556 --> 00:39:55,316 Speaker 1: brand new guys there and they call me captain, and yeah, 695 00:39:55,356 --> 00:39:59,076 Speaker 1: it was, it was. It was pretty amazing. It was 696 00:39:59,116 --> 00:40:03,396 Speaker 1: really amazing. It's like I'd come full circle. And I 697 00:40:03,516 --> 00:40:06,436 Speaker 1: laughed there and I did drive through one of the 698 00:40:06,476 --> 00:40:08,716 Speaker 1: districts that I worked in that was really busy and 699 00:40:08,876 --> 00:40:11,596 Speaker 1: par It drove me crazy. And I drove through there going, 700 00:40:11,676 --> 00:40:15,116 Speaker 1: you know what, I don't have to do this anymore. 701 00:40:15,196 --> 00:40:16,436 Speaker 1: Like I don't have to get up in the middle 702 00:40:16,436 --> 00:40:18,956 Speaker 1: of the night anymore, and I don't have to come 703 00:40:18,956 --> 00:40:21,916 Speaker 1: home exhausted. And you know, my wife would always say, 704 00:40:22,476 --> 00:40:23,516 Speaker 1: you know, I'd say, what are we going to do 705 00:40:23,596 --> 00:40:25,436 Speaker 1: tomorrow when I come home? And she would always say, 706 00:40:25,956 --> 00:40:27,516 Speaker 1: you know, I don't know. It depends on what comes 707 00:40:27,516 --> 00:40:30,356 Speaker 1: through the front door. And you know, I always thought 708 00:40:30,436 --> 00:40:33,116 Speaker 1: she meant, you know, how tired I was, or how 709 00:40:33,636 --> 00:40:37,276 Speaker 1: little sleep I got, And it wasn't that, it was 710 00:40:38,156 --> 00:40:40,116 Speaker 1: what kind of Christie's going to come through the front door, 711 00:40:40,156 --> 00:40:43,196 Speaker 1: and you know, the one that got a good night's 712 00:40:43,196 --> 00:40:45,116 Speaker 1: sleep and isn't a good mood, or the one that 713 00:40:45,196 --> 00:40:47,676 Speaker 1: just had to tell a wife that her husband's dead 714 00:40:47,676 --> 00:40:49,476 Speaker 1: and there's nothing we can do, or the one that 715 00:40:50,556 --> 00:40:53,916 Speaker 1: just was covered in blood from some horrible call and 716 00:40:54,596 --> 00:40:57,716 Speaker 1: is distant and isolating. And so yeah, I was like, 717 00:40:57,716 --> 00:41:00,116 Speaker 1: I don't have to do that anymore. I mean, I 718 00:41:00,156 --> 00:41:02,556 Speaker 1: did it for twenty five years, and I started when 719 00:41:02,556 --> 00:41:04,876 Speaker 1: I was nineteen. I was like just a kid. And 720 00:41:05,596 --> 00:41:07,996 Speaker 1: to realize that I didn't have to do it anymore. 721 00:41:09,436 --> 00:41:14,756 Speaker 1: To still be worthy and valuable and and count in 722 00:41:14,756 --> 00:41:17,556 Speaker 1: this world. It was just like the most incredible feeling 723 00:41:17,596 --> 00:41:20,676 Speaker 1: ever that it can just be me now and I 724 00:41:20,756 --> 00:41:23,556 Speaker 1: don't have to I don't have to worry that cape anymore. 725 00:41:29,596 --> 00:41:33,116 Speaker 1: Christie made it to retirement after all. She was granted 726 00:41:33,156 --> 00:41:36,356 Speaker 1: a medical retirement by the Berkeley Fire Department in twenty 727 00:41:36,596 --> 00:41:39,956 Speaker 1: sixteen at the age of forty six. This type of 728 00:41:39,956 --> 00:41:43,556 Speaker 1: retirement is given to service members who sustained physical injuries 729 00:41:43,556 --> 00:41:47,036 Speaker 1: while on the job. Christie is currently writing a memoir 730 00:41:47,116 --> 00:41:50,676 Speaker 1: about her experiences as a first responder. It comes out 731 00:41:50,756 --> 00:42:14,316 Speaker 1: next year. Hey, thanks so much for listening. On next 732 00:42:14,316 --> 00:42:17,716 Speaker 1: week's episode, we hear from Priya Parker, a group dialogue 733 00:42:17,756 --> 00:42:21,556 Speaker 1: and conflict resolution expert. Priya has used lessons from her 734 00:42:21,556 --> 00:42:24,996 Speaker 1: work in these fields to rethink how we gather. She 735 00:42:25,116 --> 00:42:28,476 Speaker 1: focuses on making things like weddings, birthdays, and dinner parties 736 00:42:28,556 --> 00:42:32,196 Speaker 1: more meaningful and makes it more manageable for people like 737 00:42:32,276 --> 00:42:36,076 Speaker 1: me who get really stressed by logistics. What I wanted 738 00:42:36,156 --> 00:42:41,156 Speaker 1: to do is detangle gathering from the stuff of gathering, 739 00:42:41,196 --> 00:42:45,156 Speaker 1: from food from hosting. The Martha Stewart archetype that like 740 00:42:45,196 --> 00:42:47,876 Speaker 1: the way to host wells to prepare a kruttas three 741 00:42:47,956 --> 00:42:50,516 Speaker 1: days in advance, to be an expert in food, to 742 00:42:50,516 --> 00:42:53,036 Speaker 1: be an expert in floral, to be an expert in esthetics, 743 00:42:53,356 --> 00:42:56,796 Speaker 1: and all of those things create beauty and meaning. But 744 00:42:56,836 --> 00:42:59,356 Speaker 1: they're the hygiene, right, it's not. Actually what do you 745 00:42:59,396 --> 00:43:11,956 Speaker 1: do with these people? A Slight Change of Plans is created, 746 00:43:11,996 --> 00:43:15,676 Speaker 1: written an executive produced by me Maya Shunker. The Slight 747 00:43:15,756 --> 00:43:19,636 Speaker 1: Change family includes our showrunner Tyler Green, our story editor 748 00:43:19,756 --> 00:43:24,036 Speaker 1: Kate Parkinson Morgan, our sound engineer Andrew Vastola, and our 749 00:43:24,076 --> 00:43:29,036 Speaker 1: associate producer Sarah McCrae. Louis Skara wrote our delightful theme song, 750 00:43:29,236 --> 00:43:32,676 Speaker 1: and Ginger Smith helped arrange the vocals. A Slight Change 751 00:43:32,676 --> 00:43:35,636 Speaker 1: of Plans is a production of Pushkin Industries, so big 752 00:43:35,676 --> 00:43:39,356 Speaker 1: thanks to everyone there, and of course a very special 753 00:43:39,356 --> 00:43:42,716 Speaker 1: thanks to Jimmy Lee. You can follow A Slight Change 754 00:43:42,756 --> 00:43:46,276 Speaker 1: of Plans on Instagram at doctor Maya Shunker. See you 755 00:43:46,316 --> 00:43:59,276 Speaker 1: next week.