1 00:00:00,720 --> 00:00:04,000 Speaker 1: Ola, dear listener, before we start, just letting you know 2 00:00:04,080 --> 00:00:07,680 Speaker 1: that this story mentions suicide. All right, take care, and 3 00:00:07,760 --> 00:00:11,600 Speaker 1: here we go. So the thing that was missing was 4 00:00:12,000 --> 00:00:15,680 Speaker 1: I am a woman. And I've known this since I 5 00:00:15,720 --> 00:00:20,480 Speaker 1: was a kid, but I've never allowed myself to accept 6 00:00:20,520 --> 00:00:25,360 Speaker 1: this because I had been told that I wasn't enough 7 00:00:25,480 --> 00:00:28,640 Speaker 1: as a gay boy. So to add another lens of 8 00:00:28,680 --> 00:00:34,040 Speaker 1: a transition into that, into a strict Mexican family, into 9 00:00:34,320 --> 00:00:39,320 Speaker 1: a hood upbringing, I just had never given myself the 10 00:00:39,400 --> 00:00:47,480 Speaker 1: opportunity to say it. From Futuro Media and PRX, it's 11 00:00:47,680 --> 00:00:52,400 Speaker 1: let you know usay, I'm Maria Jojosa today becoming Paloma, 12 00:00:52,680 --> 00:00:56,280 Speaker 1: a trans woman's journey of self discovery and the joy 13 00:00:56,360 --> 00:01:05,800 Speaker 1: of embodying your true self. Hi us, Yeah, my colleague 14 00:01:05,880 --> 00:01:08,759 Speaker 1: is already here. New center for Maria or really much 15 00:01:09,880 --> 00:01:14,200 Speaker 1: thank you. It's a late afternoon in New York, and well, 16 00:01:14,600 --> 00:01:17,240 Speaker 1: I don't really need any excuse to go out to 17 00:01:17,280 --> 00:01:20,720 Speaker 1: a cute restaurant in the city, especially when it's for work. 18 00:01:21,560 --> 00:01:24,600 Speaker 1: But tonight I am out and about on the Upper 19 00:01:24,600 --> 00:01:28,000 Speaker 1: West Side of Manhattan for a very special reason. 20 00:01:29,000 --> 00:01:32,080 Speaker 2: Thank so much for coming tonight. I have a very 21 00:01:32,080 --> 00:01:33,039 Speaker 2: special guest with. 22 00:01:33,000 --> 00:01:34,240 Speaker 3: Me, Miss Paloma. 23 00:01:38,080 --> 00:01:41,320 Speaker 1: I came out to see a drag show because one 24 00:01:41,319 --> 00:01:46,039 Speaker 1: of the performers is actually my former student at Arnard College, 25 00:01:46,080 --> 00:01:54,400 Speaker 1: which is part of Columbia University. Paloma, my former student, 26 00:01:54,520 --> 00:01:59,080 Speaker 1: walks in, and the first thing that I'm taken by 27 00:01:59,400 --> 00:02:00,639 Speaker 1: is her hair. 28 00:02:01,240 --> 00:02:03,360 Speaker 4: It's curly, it's big. 29 00:02:03,720 --> 00:02:07,640 Speaker 1: She's got these amazing silver hoops on and these big, 30 00:02:07,800 --> 00:02:09,799 Speaker 1: heavy silver bengals on her wrist. 31 00:02:10,360 --> 00:02:12,120 Speaker 4: She's wearing a turtleneck. 32 00:02:11,680 --> 00:02:15,520 Speaker 1: Dress that covers her body in a majestic waterfall of 33 00:02:15,680 --> 00:02:20,720 Speaker 1: yellow silk. Honestly, I never would have guessed that this 34 00:02:21,080 --> 00:02:25,360 Speaker 1: superstar was the same student that sat quietly at the 35 00:02:25,480 --> 00:02:28,360 Speaker 1: very back of my class just a couple of years ago. 36 00:02:30,480 --> 00:02:35,080 Speaker 1: Back then, Baloma was using they them pronouns, and she 37 00:02:35,240 --> 00:02:38,760 Speaker 1: was responding to her dead name, which is the name 38 00:02:38,840 --> 00:02:42,160 Speaker 1: a transgender or non binary person was given at birth 39 00:02:42,520 --> 00:02:45,960 Speaker 1: and that they no longer use. Baloma then, as my student, 40 00:02:46,520 --> 00:02:50,880 Speaker 1: was shy, downcast, and literally seemed to want to slip 41 00:02:50,880 --> 00:02:55,679 Speaker 1: inside and hide inside her hoodie. She barely spoke during class, 42 00:02:55,960 --> 00:02:58,359 Speaker 1: and when she did, because I would call on her, 43 00:02:58,880 --> 00:03:03,600 Speaker 1: it was often out of very quiet voice. Then Baloma 44 00:03:03,680 --> 00:03:08,440 Speaker 1: graduates and I start seeing her photos as a fabulous 45 00:03:08,520 --> 00:03:11,280 Speaker 1: drag queen on social media, and I was like, wait, 46 00:03:11,960 --> 00:03:17,040 Speaker 1: gipaswa GHI, how did Baloma go from being quiet to 47 00:03:17,160 --> 00:03:22,840 Speaker 1: being the center of attention and honestly just fabulous? How 48 00:03:22,960 --> 00:03:26,440 Speaker 1: were these two people in the same body. Well, it 49 00:03:26,520 --> 00:03:31,840 Speaker 1: turns out Baloma's blossoming goes well beyond drag. She is 50 00:03:32,160 --> 00:03:35,680 Speaker 1: a transgender woman, and not long before that Wednesday night 51 00:03:35,680 --> 00:03:39,120 Speaker 1: when I ran into her at Joanne's, she had begun HRT, 52 00:03:39,440 --> 00:03:44,440 Speaker 1: which is hormone replacement treatment, this past summer. As she 53 00:03:44,560 --> 00:03:49,120 Speaker 1: experienced the effects of HRT, Baloma sent our producer Glorimad 54 00:03:49,200 --> 00:03:55,360 Speaker 1: Marquez some voice memos HI Gldima. With them, she documented 55 00:03:55,400 --> 00:03:58,880 Speaker 1: the changes that were happening in her body, her mind, 56 00:03:59,320 --> 00:04:00,840 Speaker 1: and in her relationationships. 57 00:04:01,680 --> 00:04:05,520 Speaker 2: This past week has been really difficult. 58 00:04:04,880 --> 00:04:10,880 Speaker 1: Emotionally, So today, dear listener, you will follow Maloma's journey 59 00:04:11,160 --> 00:04:14,800 Speaker 1: through her voice memos and her reflections to become the 60 00:04:14,840 --> 00:04:16,039 Speaker 1: woman she is today. 61 00:04:19,839 --> 00:04:22,560 Speaker 2: Hi, my full name is now Baloma de Los Angeles 62 00:04:22,600 --> 00:04:26,320 Speaker 2: perees that's pending government approval. I am twenty three years 63 00:04:26,400 --> 00:04:29,359 Speaker 2: old and I'm originally from the Bay Area, from a 64 00:04:29,360 --> 00:04:30,600 Speaker 2: little town called Hayward. 65 00:04:31,040 --> 00:04:32,240 Speaker 3: I am a jack of all trades. 66 00:04:32,640 --> 00:04:35,960 Speaker 2: I am a producer and performer in New York City 67 00:04:36,040 --> 00:04:40,320 Speaker 2: Queen Nightlife. I am a Seamstress to the Stars aka 68 00:04:40,520 --> 00:04:42,320 Speaker 2: RuPaul's Drag Race contestant. 69 00:04:43,320 --> 00:04:46,359 Speaker 4: Gentlemen, start your engines and may the best woman. 70 00:04:48,279 --> 00:04:52,400 Speaker 2: Growing up in California was a journey. I am an 71 00:04:52,440 --> 00:04:55,520 Speaker 2: only child to a single mother who immigrated here from Mexico. 72 00:04:55,960 --> 00:04:58,400 Speaker 2: It's fair enough to say that there was a little 73 00:04:58,400 --> 00:05:02,279 Speaker 2: bit of struggle when it came to certain aspects of 74 00:05:02,320 --> 00:05:04,559 Speaker 2: like both our financial state our housing state. 75 00:05:04,760 --> 00:05:06,000 Speaker 3: Usually never really lived in. 76 00:05:06,000 --> 00:05:08,560 Speaker 2: The best areas my whole life. 77 00:05:08,440 --> 00:05:10,159 Speaker 3: Until I moved to New York. I never had my 78 00:05:10,160 --> 00:05:10,839 Speaker 3: own room. 79 00:05:11,000 --> 00:05:13,120 Speaker 2: My mom and I would sleep in the same big 80 00:05:13,160 --> 00:05:15,040 Speaker 2: bed and put to pillows in the middle of each 81 00:05:15,080 --> 00:05:17,680 Speaker 2: other for the night. And that was my whole childhood. 82 00:05:17,720 --> 00:05:23,280 Speaker 2: I never had anything else. When I was young, I 83 00:05:23,440 --> 00:05:27,679 Speaker 2: was sent to school in a predominantly richer area about 84 00:05:27,680 --> 00:05:30,240 Speaker 2: an hour away from where I was from. I was 85 00:05:30,520 --> 00:05:34,039 Speaker 2: never the one with the most resources in class, and 86 00:05:34,600 --> 00:05:37,680 Speaker 2: I did not go to school in a latina area. 87 00:05:38,440 --> 00:05:42,839 Speaker 2: I was always singled out, both by teachers or by students. 88 00:05:43,320 --> 00:05:48,440 Speaker 2: I have always had a very feminine body. I've always 89 00:05:48,480 --> 00:05:51,680 Speaker 2: been very curvy, always had a waist, always had bigger hips. 90 00:05:51,760 --> 00:05:54,680 Speaker 2: As I grew and I went through puberty, I developed 91 00:05:54,839 --> 00:05:57,680 Speaker 2: like breast tissue, and I've had a big butt, And 92 00:05:57,720 --> 00:06:00,240 Speaker 2: I remember kids in school would come up and touch 93 00:06:00,360 --> 00:06:03,240 Speaker 2: me and grab me from my chest and grab me 94 00:06:03,279 --> 00:06:05,800 Speaker 2: from my butt and make fun of me. They would 95 00:06:05,839 --> 00:06:08,320 Speaker 2: always tell me, why do you have this as a boy? 96 00:06:08,480 --> 00:06:09,680 Speaker 2: Why do you have this as a boy? Why do 97 00:06:09,680 --> 00:06:11,200 Speaker 2: you have this as a boy? And the amount of 98 00:06:11,200 --> 00:06:12,880 Speaker 2: times that I had to go to the principal's office, 99 00:06:13,160 --> 00:06:17,120 Speaker 2: all that, all of that creates insecurity, creates anger, but 100 00:06:17,360 --> 00:06:20,159 Speaker 2: that never stopped me from being the number one person 101 00:06:20,200 --> 00:06:23,040 Speaker 2: in my class or being at the top of whatever 102 00:06:23,080 --> 00:06:25,360 Speaker 2: I was going to do. I didn't have private tutors, 103 00:06:25,839 --> 00:06:27,560 Speaker 2: I didn't have any of that. But what I did 104 00:06:27,680 --> 00:06:31,560 Speaker 2: have was a Mexican mother who supported me and a 105 00:06:31,560 --> 00:06:36,320 Speaker 2: commitment to prove people wrong. Okay, this past week has 106 00:06:36,360 --> 00:06:42,279 Speaker 2: been really difficult emotionally. My doses went up, and it 107 00:06:42,320 --> 00:06:45,560 Speaker 2: takes a little bit for your body to adjust to 108 00:06:45,960 --> 00:06:50,080 Speaker 2: the new estrogen levels entering your system. I can definitely 109 00:06:50,120 --> 00:06:53,800 Speaker 2: tell a difference, especially in my energy levels. I can 110 00:06:53,839 --> 00:06:56,039 Speaker 2: be out for about an hour or two hours, but 111 00:06:56,200 --> 00:06:59,080 Speaker 2: after a second, I need to either sit down or 112 00:06:59,160 --> 00:07:01,080 Speaker 2: I have to fully go home because I get a 113 00:07:01,080 --> 00:07:04,640 Speaker 2: little dizzy. And it really goes to show that this 114 00:07:04,680 --> 00:07:08,000 Speaker 2: whole experience is like a constant adjustment. I knew what 115 00:07:08,040 --> 00:07:10,880 Speaker 2: I was signing up for. Obviously, I'm putting chemicals into 116 00:07:10,880 --> 00:07:14,080 Speaker 2: my body to match who I know that I am, 117 00:07:14,680 --> 00:07:18,840 Speaker 2: But that doesn't mean it's any easier. I've known that 118 00:07:18,920 --> 00:07:21,360 Speaker 2: I was queer since I was a little kid. 119 00:07:22,560 --> 00:07:24,040 Speaker 3: I was flamboyant. 120 00:07:24,160 --> 00:07:27,560 Speaker 2: I would wear my mom's heels, I would put on makeup. 121 00:07:27,760 --> 00:07:30,480 Speaker 2: I would always want to be in flouncy skirts because 122 00:07:30,480 --> 00:07:32,000 Speaker 2: that's how I felt the happiest. 123 00:07:33,080 --> 00:07:35,240 Speaker 3: One time, I was in the back of my. 124 00:07:35,200 --> 00:07:38,880 Speaker 2: Mom's car with my aunt and I just was like, Mom, 125 00:07:38,880 --> 00:07:41,000 Speaker 2: I have something to tell you, very nonchalantly. I think 126 00:07:41,000 --> 00:07:43,320 Speaker 2: I was five four or five at that point. I 127 00:07:43,400 --> 00:07:46,520 Speaker 2: was identifying obviously as a boy, and I was like, 128 00:07:46,560 --> 00:07:48,640 Speaker 2: I like boys. I told her that, and she looked 129 00:07:48,680 --> 00:07:51,840 Speaker 2: at me like the exercise, turned her head around and said, no, 130 00:07:51,960 --> 00:07:55,040 Speaker 2: you do not, You do not like boys. Don't say that. 131 00:07:56,040 --> 00:07:59,000 Speaker 2: For much of my childhood, my mom was very, very 132 00:07:59,040 --> 00:08:02,880 Speaker 2: attached to the church. But I call it indoctrination because 133 00:08:03,080 --> 00:08:07,960 Speaker 2: up to certain point, I was scolded at one point, exercised, 134 00:08:08,480 --> 00:08:11,320 Speaker 2: and all in all mistreated and told that I was 135 00:08:11,400 --> 00:08:14,760 Speaker 2: never really enough in regards to who I was, and 136 00:08:15,560 --> 00:08:18,160 Speaker 2: to have to deal with that through the lens of 137 00:08:18,280 --> 00:08:22,160 Speaker 2: people speaking Mexican Spanish at you and using cultural references 138 00:08:22,240 --> 00:08:25,320 Speaker 2: to say that you are not enough really really impacted 139 00:08:25,360 --> 00:08:28,840 Speaker 2: the way that I moved through the world and made 140 00:08:28,880 --> 00:08:32,880 Speaker 2: me hunch my shoulders a little bit. I've really really 141 00:08:32,920 --> 00:08:36,640 Speaker 2: noticed how much weather impacts me, so a sunny day 142 00:08:37,520 --> 00:08:42,320 Speaker 2: really really contributes to amplifying in a positive or negative way, 143 00:08:42,480 --> 00:08:44,640 Speaker 2: any of my emotions that I'm feeling with my hormones, 144 00:08:45,080 --> 00:08:46,720 Speaker 2: I feel like that as the week's pass and my 145 00:08:47,160 --> 00:08:49,079 Speaker 2: dosa has been up for a few weeks now, I'm 146 00:08:49,080 --> 00:08:53,000 Speaker 2: getting more and more tired. But on the converse of that, 147 00:08:53,040 --> 00:08:57,000 Speaker 2: when the sun comes out, I feel so revived and 148 00:08:57,040 --> 00:08:59,000 Speaker 2: affirm because I'm able to wear what I want to 149 00:08:59,000 --> 00:09:03,000 Speaker 2: wear and dress how I want to. When I was 150 00:09:03,120 --> 00:09:06,200 Speaker 2: eighteen years old, I moved to New York City for college. 151 00:09:06,559 --> 00:09:08,720 Speaker 2: I had never been to the East Coast, but when 152 00:09:08,760 --> 00:09:11,760 Speaker 2: I did come, I was on a college tour here 153 00:09:12,000 --> 00:09:14,920 Speaker 2: on Columbia's campus, And what actually made me decide was. 154 00:09:15,120 --> 00:09:17,840 Speaker 2: I saw this queer couple and one of them was 155 00:09:17,880 --> 00:09:22,600 Speaker 2: wearing a traditional Mexican garment. So seeing someone wear something 156 00:09:22,640 --> 00:09:25,560 Speaker 2: traditional and also be in a queer couple was like, 157 00:09:25,640 --> 00:09:30,000 Speaker 2: oh wait, that's crazy, Like I've never seen that before. 158 00:09:30,360 --> 00:09:32,440 Speaker 2: And in that moment, I knew, I knew where I 159 00:09:32,480 --> 00:09:34,600 Speaker 2: needed to be and Columbia was the best way to 160 00:09:34,640 --> 00:09:38,000 Speaker 2: do that because they offered me a full scholarship. Moving 161 00:09:38,000 --> 00:09:40,400 Speaker 2: here to New York, it felt like an opportunity to 162 00:09:40,480 --> 00:09:46,280 Speaker 2: extend parts of myself in new, diverse and fun ways. 163 00:09:47,559 --> 00:09:50,240 Speaker 2: There was this drag show in Bushwick. It was called 164 00:09:50,280 --> 00:09:53,600 Speaker 2: the Bushwick Spring Fling and it was at Maria Nandes Park, 165 00:09:53,640 --> 00:09:56,920 Speaker 2: and I had never seen drag before in person. I 166 00:09:57,000 --> 00:09:59,120 Speaker 2: was in awe because I had never seen this many 167 00:09:59,200 --> 00:10:01,760 Speaker 2: queer people and there's many queer performers in one space, 168 00:10:02,000 --> 00:10:02,439 Speaker 2: and I was. 169 00:10:02,360 --> 00:10:04,000 Speaker 3: Like, oh my god, I wanted to do this. 170 00:10:04,280 --> 00:10:06,320 Speaker 2: So I go to Target, I pick up some makeup, 171 00:10:06,320 --> 00:10:08,199 Speaker 2: and that's where it all started. And then at some 172 00:10:08,320 --> 00:10:12,480 Speaker 2: point someone recommended me for a pizza shop gig for Pride. 173 00:10:13,080 --> 00:10:15,440 Speaker 2: I was paid very nicely, which I had never seen 174 00:10:15,440 --> 00:10:17,680 Speaker 2: that kind of money before for me to just do 175 00:10:17,800 --> 00:10:19,920 Speaker 2: a gig and I was like, wait, that's kind of cool. 176 00:10:20,480 --> 00:10:23,360 Speaker 2: I start doing drag more and more and more. I 177 00:10:23,400 --> 00:10:26,920 Speaker 2: get involved with some local parties in Brooklyn, and then 178 00:10:26,960 --> 00:10:30,760 Speaker 2: I start doing competitions drag competitions. To be in drag 179 00:10:31,280 --> 00:10:35,520 Speaker 2: in those moments was a. 180 00:10:34,679 --> 00:10:36,079 Speaker 3: Point of pure euphoria. 181 00:10:36,559 --> 00:10:41,000 Speaker 2: I had never ever had access to my femininity in 182 00:10:41,040 --> 00:10:44,160 Speaker 2: the way that drag allowed me to access it, especially 183 00:10:44,600 --> 00:10:49,520 Speaker 2: femininity with attention from an audience. So having those two 184 00:10:49,559 --> 00:10:54,040 Speaker 2: things coupled together would make me feel unstoppable. But then 185 00:10:54,600 --> 00:10:56,880 Speaker 2: I don't want to take off the dress to wear 186 00:10:57,040 --> 00:10:59,560 Speaker 2: at the end of the night, because that's the only 187 00:10:59,600 --> 00:11:01,920 Speaker 2: time that I really get to be myself. This is 188 00:11:01,960 --> 00:11:03,800 Speaker 2: around the time that I actually met Maria. I was 189 00:11:03,800 --> 00:11:06,000 Speaker 2: in one of her classes, and I was working at nights, 190 00:11:06,520 --> 00:11:09,440 Speaker 2: and I would come in class really tired and quiet 191 00:11:09,520 --> 00:11:12,160 Speaker 2: and sad because I was able to live my. 192 00:11:12,200 --> 00:11:14,880 Speaker 3: Truth at night, get paid to live my truth. 193 00:11:15,280 --> 00:11:18,839 Speaker 2: And then I would have to go to bed, wake up, 194 00:11:18,960 --> 00:11:22,040 Speaker 2: put on a hoodie, grab my backpack, and go into 195 00:11:22,040 --> 00:11:25,880 Speaker 2: class and answer to my dead name. I would have 196 00:11:26,240 --> 00:11:30,560 Speaker 2: to resume costplaying this person that I had been costplaying 197 00:11:30,920 --> 00:11:35,760 Speaker 2: my entire life, and I would be sad, angry, depressed. 198 00:11:36,000 --> 00:11:39,640 Speaker 2: The only times that I was happy was when I 199 00:11:39,720 --> 00:11:42,960 Speaker 2: was in drug and then I started to realize that 200 00:11:42,960 --> 00:11:47,200 Speaker 2: that might actually mean something. So the thing that was 201 00:11:47,320 --> 00:11:51,600 Speaker 2: missing was I am a woman. And I've known this 202 00:11:51,760 --> 00:11:55,960 Speaker 2: since I was a kid, but I've never allowed myself 203 00:11:56,160 --> 00:12:01,360 Speaker 2: to accept this because I had been told that I 204 00:12:01,520 --> 00:12:04,800 Speaker 2: wasn't enough as a gay boy. So to add another 205 00:12:04,880 --> 00:12:09,800 Speaker 2: lens of a transition into that, into a strict Mexican family, 206 00:12:10,240 --> 00:12:14,800 Speaker 2: into a hood upbringing, into a school where I was 207 00:12:14,840 --> 00:12:18,720 Speaker 2: getting bullied all the time, and into a university that 208 00:12:18,840 --> 00:12:20,559 Speaker 2: was making me work really. 209 00:12:20,320 --> 00:12:20,920 Speaker 3: Really hard. 210 00:12:21,559 --> 00:12:26,040 Speaker 2: I just had never given myself the opportunity to say it. 211 00:12:26,640 --> 00:12:29,240 Speaker 2: And that's when I realized that it wasn't just drag. 212 00:12:29,440 --> 00:12:35,000 Speaker 2: Drag is fun, but this was me. So last summer, 213 00:12:35,200 --> 00:12:38,440 Speaker 2: I had just graduated from college and it was the 214 00:12:38,520 --> 00:12:43,240 Speaker 2: first dip that I had into life without schooling and 215 00:12:43,320 --> 00:12:46,480 Speaker 2: life without structure in that way. And then my boyfriend 216 00:12:46,480 --> 00:12:49,240 Speaker 2: and I go see the Barbie movie. Hi Garby, Hi Garvey, 217 00:12:49,360 --> 00:12:52,400 Speaker 2: Hi Barbie, Hi Barbie. I go into the Barbie movie 218 00:12:52,440 --> 00:12:55,520 Speaker 2: and something that hit me was I think it was 219 00:12:55,559 --> 00:12:58,000 Speaker 2: a few lines that America Ferrara said. 220 00:12:58,320 --> 00:13:00,000 Speaker 4: You were so beautiful. 221 00:13:00,080 --> 00:13:03,320 Speaker 1: Oh I'm so smart, and it kills me that you 222 00:13:03,400 --> 00:13:04,800 Speaker 1: don't think you're good enough. 223 00:13:05,240 --> 00:13:08,480 Speaker 2: And it was also a montage that they had at 224 00:13:08,480 --> 00:13:10,600 Speaker 2: the end of the movie where it was a bunch 225 00:13:10,679 --> 00:13:15,600 Speaker 2: of clips of different women throughout life weeping, laughing, hugging 226 00:13:15,640 --> 00:13:21,400 Speaker 2: each other and fully just connecting with one another, where 227 00:13:21,400 --> 00:13:21,800 Speaker 2: I was. 228 00:13:21,760 --> 00:13:24,120 Speaker 3: Like, Okay, they clicked, it clicked. 229 00:13:24,200 --> 00:13:28,360 Speaker 2: I've always been that woman. I've always been that person. 230 00:13:29,280 --> 00:13:32,760 Speaker 2: We left a movie theater, I was weeping, and we 231 00:13:32,760 --> 00:13:35,200 Speaker 2: were walking back home from the local movie theater and 232 00:13:35,240 --> 00:13:37,360 Speaker 2: I almost broke down on my knees and I told 233 00:13:37,360 --> 00:13:38,840 Speaker 2: my boyfriend, I can't do this anymore. 234 00:13:39,040 --> 00:13:41,440 Speaker 3: I can't do this anymore. I have to start. I 235 00:13:41,480 --> 00:13:42,920 Speaker 3: have to start. I have to start. 236 00:13:43,520 --> 00:13:46,160 Speaker 2: There's been a yearning in me since I was a child, 237 00:13:46,640 --> 00:13:50,280 Speaker 2: and I need to bring that yearning to completion. And 238 00:13:50,360 --> 00:13:55,160 Speaker 2: that night I sent in my new patient request form 239 00:13:55,240 --> 00:13:58,000 Speaker 2: to Calm Lord, which is a queer pharmacy in Brooklyn, 240 00:13:58,080 --> 00:14:03,679 Speaker 2: and I started my process. I was really really overwhelmed 241 00:14:03,720 --> 00:14:07,120 Speaker 2: around Monday or Tuesday, and I was cleaning and I 242 00:14:07,240 --> 00:14:12,640 Speaker 2: was alone and kind of realizing how isolating this experience 243 00:14:12,720 --> 00:14:16,840 Speaker 2: has been, specifically for my biological family. I was here crying, 244 00:14:16,920 --> 00:14:19,360 Speaker 2: bawling my eyes out out of nowhere. I was fine, 245 00:14:19,400 --> 00:14:23,680 Speaker 2: and then I started thinking about what it really meant 246 00:14:23,680 --> 00:14:27,040 Speaker 2: to be doing this by myself, obviously with the support 247 00:14:27,080 --> 00:14:30,520 Speaker 2: of my chosen family, but doing this without a lot 248 00:14:30,560 --> 00:14:33,720 Speaker 2: of the support from my biological family, who was really, 249 00:14:33,840 --> 00:14:38,640 Speaker 2: especially my mom, really involved with making me who I 250 00:14:38,680 --> 00:14:43,920 Speaker 2: am my upbringing. I introduced the idea of me being 251 00:14:44,000 --> 00:14:48,560 Speaker 2: trans to my mom, I believe around sophomore year of college. 252 00:14:48,680 --> 00:14:50,680 Speaker 2: I had started to explain to her that I was 253 00:14:50,720 --> 00:14:54,680 Speaker 2: having different feelings than those of just being gay, and 254 00:14:55,080 --> 00:14:55,600 Speaker 2: up to that. 255 00:14:55,520 --> 00:14:57,160 Speaker 3: Point she seemed really supportive. 256 00:14:57,240 --> 00:14:59,080 Speaker 2: It took her a second to wrap her head around 257 00:14:59,120 --> 00:15:02,600 Speaker 2: what that really meant because she had never been around 258 00:15:02,600 --> 00:15:06,160 Speaker 2: someone like me before. But I don't think it had 259 00:15:06,200 --> 00:15:08,960 Speaker 2: really sunken in that that would have a material impact 260 00:15:09,160 --> 00:15:13,000 Speaker 2: and that would actually manifest in changes in both my body, 261 00:15:13,080 --> 00:15:16,360 Speaker 2: my presentation, and just who I was. I ended up 262 00:15:16,400 --> 00:15:21,880 Speaker 2: going to California last year. I was struggling so much 263 00:15:22,080 --> 00:15:25,160 Speaker 2: with myself and with my self hatred that I had 264 00:15:25,200 --> 00:15:27,080 Speaker 2: come to terms with the fact that if I did 265 00:15:27,120 --> 00:15:30,360 Speaker 2: not transition by the end of twenty twenty three, I 266 00:15:30,400 --> 00:15:31,280 Speaker 2: would kill myself. 267 00:15:31,680 --> 00:15:34,160 Speaker 3: And I told that to my mom, and I was 268 00:15:34,240 --> 00:15:34,960 Speaker 3: dead serious. 269 00:15:36,400 --> 00:15:39,920 Speaker 2: I asked her specifically, I'm going to transition this year. 270 00:15:41,240 --> 00:15:43,640 Speaker 2: Will you still love me if I transition? 271 00:15:44,880 --> 00:15:47,280 Speaker 3: And she wasn't able to give me. 272 00:15:47,200 --> 00:15:51,040 Speaker 1: An answer, and that made me so angry. 273 00:15:51,200 --> 00:15:53,520 Speaker 2: She got mad at me and she said, why would 274 00:15:53,560 --> 00:15:56,080 Speaker 2: you say that? Where is this coming from? Why would 275 00:15:56,080 --> 00:15:58,040 Speaker 2: you say that? And never once did I get a 276 00:15:58,040 --> 00:16:02,080 Speaker 2: confirmation that it was a yes. And at that moment 277 00:16:02,120 --> 00:16:08,440 Speaker 2: I realized things would be different between us. I came 278 00:16:08,480 --> 00:16:11,000 Speaker 2: back to New York and I started to figure out 279 00:16:11,320 --> 00:16:16,239 Speaker 2: the material process of transitioning the medical process of replacing 280 00:16:16,640 --> 00:16:18,640 Speaker 2: my testosterone with estrogen. 281 00:16:19,560 --> 00:16:21,720 Speaker 3: But again it did. 282 00:16:21,560 --> 00:16:24,160 Speaker 2: Not hit her that that was actually going to happen 283 00:16:24,320 --> 00:16:26,040 Speaker 2: until I was in a tackle shop. 284 00:16:26,360 --> 00:16:28,160 Speaker 3: I took my first pill and I called her. 285 00:16:28,200 --> 00:16:34,160 Speaker 2: I said, I just started HRT and she was like oh, 286 00:16:34,200 --> 00:16:37,280 Speaker 2: and there was some silence, and I was like, what's wrong? 287 00:16:38,200 --> 00:16:44,840 Speaker 2: And she started to scream at me, saying that I 288 00:16:44,960 --> 00:16:48,880 Speaker 2: was disconnecting from her, that this was really difficult, that 289 00:16:48,880 --> 00:16:51,680 Speaker 2: someone was dying, and that she had to wrap her 290 00:16:51,680 --> 00:16:54,520 Speaker 2: head around what that meant that her son was dying. 291 00:16:56,080 --> 00:16:59,360 Speaker 2: At that point, y'all have to understand, I had been 292 00:16:59,440 --> 00:17:02,640 Speaker 2: choosing a people's opinions of myself, of who I was 293 00:17:03,000 --> 00:17:06,760 Speaker 2: for my entire life, and for me to understand that 294 00:17:07,040 --> 00:17:09,800 Speaker 2: I was not going to be able to continue living 295 00:17:09,840 --> 00:17:12,359 Speaker 2: this life if I did not take this step. I 296 00:17:12,560 --> 00:17:15,879 Speaker 2: got even angrier. I told her, you know what, you 297 00:17:15,920 --> 00:17:19,680 Speaker 2: can keep that over there. I am done taking people's 298 00:17:19,720 --> 00:17:22,880 Speaker 2: shit in regards to who I am, because no one 299 00:17:23,080 --> 00:17:25,720 Speaker 2: should tell you who you are. And we ended that 300 00:17:25,760 --> 00:17:28,200 Speaker 2: conversation with me saying that, and we did not speak 301 00:17:28,240 --> 00:17:34,400 Speaker 2: for six months. I was able to go into the 302 00:17:34,640 --> 00:17:37,760 Speaker 2: women's bathroom for the first time, but I still find 303 00:17:37,760 --> 00:17:42,199 Speaker 2: myself afraid to put myself in any more awkward of 304 00:17:42,200 --> 00:17:43,960 Speaker 2: a situation than I need to be put in, because 305 00:17:44,000 --> 00:17:46,560 Speaker 2: even walking outside, the amount of times that I have 306 00:17:46,680 --> 00:17:51,080 Speaker 2: to sit on the subway and hear someone snicker about me, 307 00:17:51,280 --> 00:17:52,760 Speaker 2: or the way that I dress her look at me 308 00:17:52,800 --> 00:17:54,760 Speaker 2: and then look away, I don't know. I'm kind of 309 00:17:54,800 --> 00:17:57,400 Speaker 2: interested to see how this summer goes with this new adjustment, 310 00:17:57,480 --> 00:18:00,200 Speaker 2: because it's my first summer since I transitioned. 311 00:18:00,280 --> 00:18:01,800 Speaker 3: Which to me, I love it. 312 00:18:01,840 --> 00:18:06,720 Speaker 2: But it's just such an interesting thing to be incrementally 313 00:18:06,840 --> 00:18:10,200 Speaker 2: and increasingly perceived as a transperson out and about instead 314 00:18:10,200 --> 00:18:14,439 Speaker 2: of just as a feminine gay person. As soon as 315 00:18:14,480 --> 00:18:16,439 Speaker 2: I started taking my pill, even though there was no 316 00:18:16,520 --> 00:18:19,280 Speaker 2: way that there was any change, I felt so much lighter. 317 00:18:20,080 --> 00:18:22,880 Speaker 3: It felt like there was a weight off of my shoulders. 318 00:18:22,960 --> 00:18:26,000 Speaker 2: And it was only until my three month check in 319 00:18:26,240 --> 00:18:30,920 Speaker 2: where I started to fully see little, little, tiny changes. 320 00:18:31,080 --> 00:18:33,639 Speaker 2: The first thing I noticed was my skin started to 321 00:18:34,040 --> 00:18:35,160 Speaker 2: kind of glow a little bit. 322 00:18:35,880 --> 00:18:38,040 Speaker 3: And the biggest thing that I can say. 323 00:18:37,920 --> 00:18:41,199 Speaker 2: To this day is the redistribution of the fat in 324 00:18:41,200 --> 00:18:44,280 Speaker 2: my body. I've always been very curvy, but now it's 325 00:18:44,520 --> 00:18:49,440 Speaker 2: reinforced and now I actually am growing like chest area. 326 00:18:50,119 --> 00:18:51,640 Speaker 3: I can wear bras now. 327 00:18:52,200 --> 00:18:55,920 Speaker 2: Now imagine there's also some days where you wake up 328 00:18:56,119 --> 00:18:58,680 Speaker 2: and you see the mirror and all you see is 329 00:18:58,840 --> 00:19:02,720 Speaker 2: what you don't want to see. You still see remnants 330 00:19:02,800 --> 00:19:07,720 Speaker 2: of who and what you were pre transition, and that's dysphoria. 331 00:19:08,240 --> 00:19:11,480 Speaker 2: Dysphoria is one of the hardest things that you have 332 00:19:11,560 --> 00:19:15,560 Speaker 2: to go through and transition because it's a dissonance in 333 00:19:15,600 --> 00:19:19,840 Speaker 2: your body, your mind. You feel as though there is 334 00:19:19,960 --> 00:19:23,000 Speaker 2: a manifestation to all the insecurities that you've had for 335 00:19:23,040 --> 00:19:27,240 Speaker 2: your entire life. So it's a constant give and take. 336 00:19:27,280 --> 00:19:30,960 Speaker 2: It's a constant struggle to remind myself that this is 337 00:19:31,000 --> 00:19:35,400 Speaker 2: a process, and to also be really patient with myself. 338 00:19:37,520 --> 00:19:38,600 Speaker 3: Good morning, LORDI mad. 339 00:19:38,800 --> 00:19:42,359 Speaker 2: It's early Wednesday morning, and I put on one of 340 00:19:42,359 --> 00:19:44,320 Speaker 2: my little outfits that I've been wearing even if I 341 00:19:44,320 --> 00:19:44,880 Speaker 2: don't go out. 342 00:19:44,920 --> 00:19:46,560 Speaker 3: I've been dressing up for confidence. 343 00:19:46,920 --> 00:19:53,280 Speaker 2: So I see my hair pulled back, because when I 344 00:19:53,280 --> 00:19:56,440 Speaker 2: have my hair up, people like immediately register me as 345 00:19:56,760 --> 00:19:59,480 Speaker 2: a girl. And when I have my hair up, I 346 00:19:59,480 --> 00:20:03,280 Speaker 2: look like my and of course my jewelry, and I 347 00:20:03,280 --> 00:20:05,760 Speaker 2: inherited this from my grandmother. I know a lot of 348 00:20:05,800 --> 00:20:10,200 Speaker 2: women have different perspectives on femininity, but for me, particularly 349 00:20:10,280 --> 00:20:15,159 Speaker 2: these little details, the jewelry, the nails, my eyebrows, wearing 350 00:20:15,280 --> 00:20:18,840 Speaker 2: short shorts or short skirts, or wearing really crop tops, 351 00:20:19,040 --> 00:20:22,679 Speaker 2: that makes me so happy in a way that I 352 00:20:22,720 --> 00:20:28,439 Speaker 2: had never felt before. To see myself in the mirror 353 00:20:28,640 --> 00:20:32,760 Speaker 2: feels beautiful. It's a feeling that I think that is 354 00:20:32,800 --> 00:20:38,000 Speaker 2: sacred to trans people because imagine you've lived a lie 355 00:20:38,359 --> 00:20:41,480 Speaker 2: for however many years of your life, and for the 356 00:20:41,520 --> 00:20:46,160 Speaker 2: first time you get to see yourself without any any 357 00:20:46,520 --> 00:20:50,760 Speaker 2: any variations in who you know you are. It's a 358 00:20:50,800 --> 00:20:53,720 Speaker 2: blessing that I get to experience every single day. 359 00:20:53,760 --> 00:20:57,320 Speaker 3: And it's not easy. No dress person will tell you 360 00:20:57,320 --> 00:20:57,720 Speaker 3: it's easy. 361 00:20:57,840 --> 00:21:02,160 Speaker 2: It's a lot of find ways to mediate where and 362 00:21:02,200 --> 00:21:04,040 Speaker 2: what you want to do to make sure that you're 363 00:21:04,080 --> 00:21:07,600 Speaker 2: as happy as you can be. I had told you 364 00:21:07,640 --> 00:21:09,840 Speaker 2: what was happening with my mom, and leaning up to 365 00:21:09,840 --> 00:21:13,280 Speaker 2: Mexican Mother's Day, it was just really really hard to 366 00:21:13,680 --> 00:21:16,359 Speaker 2: wrap my head around what had happened. So it was 367 00:21:16,400 --> 00:21:19,159 Speaker 2: a lot of me staying at home and laying in 368 00:21:19,200 --> 00:21:22,679 Speaker 2: bed and being sad. But I ended up getting the 369 00:21:22,720 --> 00:21:26,040 Speaker 2: courage to call my mom on Sunday. She fully just 370 00:21:26,080 --> 00:21:29,199 Speaker 2: like admitted that she was wrong, and she said sorry, 371 00:21:29,240 --> 00:21:31,359 Speaker 2: and she asked me what my name was and my 372 00:21:31,480 --> 00:21:34,480 Speaker 2: pronouns and how she could like affirm and help me, 373 00:21:34,560 --> 00:21:38,160 Speaker 2: and that she was sorry for what had happened. And 374 00:21:39,520 --> 00:21:41,800 Speaker 2: it felt so nice to have like the one person 375 00:21:41,840 --> 00:21:45,679 Speaker 2: that's been in my corner throughout my entire life affirm 376 00:21:45,800 --> 00:21:49,960 Speaker 2: me in that way. Our relationship has changed, we're not 377 00:21:50,119 --> 00:21:53,240 Speaker 2: as close, but I think that's necessary in certain ways 378 00:21:53,280 --> 00:21:57,000 Speaker 2: because aside from my transition, I'm also growing into my adulthood. 379 00:21:57,600 --> 00:22:03,880 Speaker 2: To have that balance, though, is so so so heartwarming 380 00:22:04,200 --> 00:22:07,480 Speaker 2: and affirming for me. Though every time we call now 381 00:22:07,720 --> 00:22:09,680 Speaker 2: it's it's always Hypaloma. 382 00:22:09,840 --> 00:22:11,720 Speaker 3: How are you? How's my girl? 383 00:22:11,760 --> 00:22:15,080 Speaker 2: Doing little things like that that to me mean the world. 384 00:22:15,880 --> 00:22:18,520 Speaker 2: To have my mom in my corner at this moment 385 00:22:18,720 --> 00:22:22,760 Speaker 2: in my life reassures me that I'm doing okay, because 386 00:22:22,760 --> 00:22:24,720 Speaker 2: whenever I have my mom on my side, I know 387 00:22:24,800 --> 00:22:28,280 Speaker 2: that I'm not alone, and I know that a woman 388 00:22:28,320 --> 00:22:31,000 Speaker 2: that has gone through so much, a woman that has 389 00:22:31,080 --> 00:22:33,800 Speaker 2: fought for me to be where I am today, if 390 00:22:33,840 --> 00:22:35,399 Speaker 2: she thinks I'm okay, I'm okay. 391 00:22:38,119 --> 00:22:40,160 Speaker 4: And dear listener, a little update. 392 00:22:40,400 --> 00:22:44,040 Speaker 1: Baloma recently came back from a trip to California that 393 00:22:44,200 --> 00:22:47,359 Speaker 1: was her first trip post transition. She had such a 394 00:22:47,400 --> 00:22:51,400 Speaker 1: great time that she's actually considering moving back, and while 395 00:22:51,480 --> 00:22:54,520 Speaker 1: Drag has a very special place in her heart, she's 396 00:22:54,600 --> 00:22:58,280 Speaker 1: actually looking for a new career path because Balo, Ma, 397 00:22:58,880 --> 00:23:02,399 Speaker 1: as we all do in our twenties, is just trying 398 00:23:02,440 --> 00:23:06,080 Speaker 1: to figure out what's next, and she's having a whole 399 00:23:06,119 --> 00:23:07,639 Speaker 1: lot of fun in the meantime. 400 00:23:09,840 --> 00:23:12,239 Speaker 2: To be the pallem I am today is to be 401 00:23:12,520 --> 00:23:17,440 Speaker 2: in constant flirtation with life. I have always seen this 402 00:23:17,520 --> 00:23:21,840 Speaker 2: woman in my head, the woman that is wearing a 403 00:23:21,880 --> 00:23:25,119 Speaker 2: short little leopard mini skirt on a Tuesday. The woman 404 00:23:25,359 --> 00:23:30,240 Speaker 2: that is strong, is fierce, has a degree from Columbia, 405 00:23:31,000 --> 00:23:35,680 Speaker 2: the woman who has found her way through years of 406 00:23:35,720 --> 00:23:40,760 Speaker 2: repression and anger and mistreatment. And that to me is 407 00:23:41,080 --> 00:23:47,240 Speaker 2: a commitment to being unabashedly Latina, to being unabashedly myself, 408 00:23:47,920 --> 00:23:51,919 Speaker 2: and a commitment to never letting myself slip out of 409 00:23:51,960 --> 00:23:56,240 Speaker 2: what I exactly want or need in that moment. I'm strong, 410 00:23:56,600 --> 00:23:59,800 Speaker 2: I'm capable, and I have a very bright future ahead 411 00:23:59,800 --> 00:24:00,000 Speaker 2: of me. 412 00:24:16,320 --> 00:24:19,480 Speaker 1: This episode was produced by Dori mar Marquez, It was 413 00:24:19,600 --> 00:24:22,720 Speaker 1: edited by Marta Martinez, and it was mixed. 414 00:24:22,440 --> 00:24:23,720 Speaker 4: By Mark Yoshizumi. 415 00:24:24,240 --> 00:24:29,320 Speaker 1: The Latino USA team also includes Julia Caruso, Jessica Ellis, 416 00:24:29,520 --> 00:24:35,119 Speaker 1: Victoria Strada, Renaldo Leanos Junior, Stephanie Lebau, Andrea Lopez Cruzado, 417 00:24:35,480 --> 00:24:39,879 Speaker 1: Luis Luna Ner Saudi and Nancy Trujillo, with engineering support 418 00:24:39,920 --> 00:24:43,840 Speaker 1: this week from Jj Carubin. Pennile Ramidez is our co 419 00:24:43,880 --> 00:24:47,600 Speaker 1: executive producer along with myself, I'm your host, Maria no Kosa. 420 00:24:48,040 --> 00:24:51,120 Speaker 1: Remember join us again on our next episode. In the meantime, 421 00:24:51,480 --> 00:24:54,080 Speaker 1: look for us on your social media. I'll see you 422 00:24:54,160 --> 00:24:58,359 Speaker 1: an Instagram, Gomo simre and remember not Teva, yes. 423 00:24:58,440 --> 00:25:03,959 Speaker 2: Jao Latino USA is made possible in part by the 424 00:25:04,000 --> 00:25:07,760 Speaker 2: Ford Foundation, working with visionaries on the front lines of 425 00:25:07,800 --> 00:25:08,600 Speaker 2: social change 426 00:25:08,720 --> 00:25:14,760 Speaker 3: Worldwide, Michelle Mercer and Bruce Golden and Agnes Gund