WEBVTT - The Hidden Story Running Your Life With Katherine Woodward Thomas (Therapist) 0:00:03.240 --> 0:00:05.840 No one has all the answers, but when we ask 0:00:05.880 --> 0:00:10.680 the right questions, we get a little closer, closer to truths, 0:00:11.440 --> 0:00:16.560 closer to each other, even closer to ourselves. I'm journalist 0:00:16.600 --> 0:00:19.280 Danielle Robe, and each week, my guests and I come 0:00:19.360 --> 0:00:22.800 together to challenge the status quo and our own ways 0:00:22.800 --> 0:00:27.360 of thinking by daring to ask what if, why not? 0:00:28.320 --> 0:00:33.480 And who says? So? Come curious, dig deep, and join 0:00:33.520 --> 0:00:40.760 the conversation. It's time to question everything. I think a 0:00:40.800 --> 0:00:43.400 lot of us walk through life believing that we know 0:00:43.600 --> 0:00:47.519 who we are. We're shaped by our experiences and our 0:00:47.640 --> 0:00:51.199 roots and the people who shaped us right. But if 0:00:51.200 --> 0:00:54.120 we stop and look closely, so much of what we 0:00:54.200 --> 0:00:57.680 call our identity was formed before we even had the 0:00:57.760 --> 0:01:01.560 language to question it. Those this could be good and 0:01:01.800 --> 0:01:04.800 bad things. I'm too much, I'm not smart enough, I'll 0:01:04.840 --> 0:01:08.000 always be left. I'm a person who takes care, who 0:01:08.080 --> 0:01:11.800 gets stuff done, who is self reliant. It's the things 0:01:11.800 --> 0:01:15.800 that we believe about ourselves. Today's guest is best selling 0:01:15.840 --> 0:01:22.520 author and therapist Katherine Woodward Thomas. If you don't already 0:01:22.520 --> 0:01:26.039 know her name, you most definitely know her work. She's 0:01:26.080 --> 0:01:28.720 the author of Calling in the One which is lauded 0:01:28.760 --> 0:01:32.520 as helping millions of people call in their partner. And then, 0:01:32.520 --> 0:01:37.000 in twenty fourteen, when Gwyneth Paltrow popularized Catherine's term conscious 0:01:37.080 --> 0:01:42.039 uncoupling during her breakup with Chris Martin, everything in Catherine's 0:01:42.040 --> 0:01:45.959 world exploded. Now back then, Catherine who's asking us to 0:01:46.040 --> 0:01:49.080 reframe how we manage the end of our relationships with others. 0:01:49.760 --> 0:01:53.680 But today she's inviting us to re examine our relationship 0:01:53.800 --> 0:01:57.680 with ourselves. Her brand new book is called What's True 0:01:57.840 --> 0:02:01.720 About You? Seven Steps to move beyond your painful past 0:02:02.200 --> 0:02:06.560 and manifest your brightest future. The title alone is a provocation, 0:02:07.280 --> 0:02:10.560 because here's what Catherine wants you to hear. Those stories 0:02:10.639 --> 0:02:13.240 running on loop in the back of your mind, that 0:02:13.320 --> 0:02:15.239 I'm not good enough, I'm too much, I'm going to 0:02:15.320 --> 0:02:20.240 be left. Those are not facts. They're old beliefs, beliefs 0:02:20.240 --> 0:02:22.960 that were handed to us often before we could push back. 0:02:23.960 --> 0:02:27.360 And the really unsettling part, most of us aren't just 0:02:27.480 --> 0:02:33.240 living inside those stories, were actively and unconsciously recreating them. 0:02:33.639 --> 0:02:35.760 We're not just having hard time getting over the false 0:02:35.800 --> 0:02:38.040 beliefs because of what happened thirty years ago, Because of 0:02:38.040 --> 0:02:42.120 what happened thirty minutes ago. Beliefs were formed in relationship. 0:02:42.160 --> 0:02:44.480 That's why we have to transform them in relationship. 0:02:44.800 --> 0:02:47.720 I love the idea of not thinking about memories or 0:02:47.760 --> 0:02:51.520 stories I've told myself as what happened to me, but 0:02:51.680 --> 0:02:55.799 instead what am I continuing to create? So today we're 0:02:55.800 --> 0:02:59.040 talking about where these stories come from, how they show 0:02:59.120 --> 0:03:02.240 up in our lives and our relationships, and what it 0:03:02.280 --> 0:03:06.320 actually takes to interrupt them. Oh and we're also talking about. 0:03:06.040 --> 0:03:09.440 This The game is not in manifestation is not to 0:03:09.560 --> 0:03:13.000 get what you say you want. One is to become 0:03:13.080 --> 0:03:16.400 who you would need to be to manifest and sustain it. 0:03:17.280 --> 0:03:21.800 Catherine is an expert in calling in, So the big 0:03:21.880 --> 0:03:25.520 question we're circling today is a simple but important one. 0:03:26.280 --> 0:03:28.760 What am I assuming is true that might not be? 0:03:29.480 --> 0:03:33.400 And what am I calling in because of it? It's 0:03:33.440 --> 0:03:45.480 time to question everything With Catherine Woodward Thomas. I want 0:03:45.520 --> 0:03:50.040 to talk about your book. It's called What's True About You? 0:03:50.480 --> 0:03:53.400 And I love questions so much, and I think that's 0:03:53.440 --> 0:03:58.080 such a deceptively simple question. How do you, Catherine, answer 0:03:58.160 --> 0:04:00.040 today versus ten years ago. 0:04:00.080 --> 0:04:01.320 About what's true about you? 0:04:01.960 --> 0:04:02.480 Yeah? 0:04:02.560 --> 0:04:05.080 Oh my gosh, I think ten years ago I was 0:04:05.120 --> 0:04:09.160 still kind of under the cloud of the false belief 0:04:09.200 --> 0:04:12.400 that I created about myself and really in relationship to 0:04:12.440 --> 0:04:14.040 the many things that I went through when I was 0:04:14.120 --> 0:04:17.640 really young and just forming a sense of self. You know, 0:04:17.960 --> 0:04:21.000 when you're in the womb to maybe seven, you're kind 0:04:21.040 --> 0:04:24.400 of a nebulous receptivity like who am I? And where 0:04:24.400 --> 0:04:26.919 do I fit into this world? And who am I 0:04:27.000 --> 0:04:28.920 for others? And who are they for me? So you're 0:04:28.960 --> 0:04:30.960 trying to figure out identity and a lot of these 0:04:31.000 --> 0:04:35.200 things lodged as and I'm alone, or I'm not lovable, 0:04:35.600 --> 0:04:38.000 or I'm not good enough. So I really struggled with 0:04:38.040 --> 0:04:40.440 you I'm not good enough, which I think was a 0:04:40.440 --> 0:04:42.960 glass ceiling on being able to write this book for 0:04:43.040 --> 0:04:46.479 many years because the material that was coming through me 0:04:46.640 --> 0:04:48.599 and that I was seeing as I was working with 0:04:48.680 --> 0:04:52.480 my students was so profound, really kind of challenging of 0:04:52.560 --> 0:04:55.480 the current status quo of how we're all engaging personal 0:04:55.520 --> 0:04:59.440 development work where we're looking backwards at nausea and we 0:05:00.120 --> 0:05:03.080 every eye and cross every tea on how we became 0:05:03.160 --> 0:05:05.960 who we are and why we are this way, which 0:05:06.000 --> 0:05:10.840 doesn't really access the power to have the breakthrough. So 0:05:11.040 --> 0:05:15.360 I think where I am now is that we're all imperfect, 0:05:15.680 --> 0:05:19.039 we're all growing together, and we all have value that 0:05:19.080 --> 0:05:22.000 we're bringing to the table. There's no question about whether 0:05:22.160 --> 0:05:24.359 I'm good enough or not good enough. This is the 0:05:24.520 --> 0:05:27.000 material that's wanting to come through, and it's my gift 0:05:27.040 --> 0:05:29.120 to share, and I'm so grateful to do it. So 0:05:29.160 --> 0:05:32.440 i don't feel stopped any longer because I'm standing in 0:05:32.480 --> 0:05:36.119 the truth of my value, my inherent worthiness. There's nothing 0:05:36.160 --> 0:05:38.760 to prove, and the power, the agency that I have 0:05:38.880 --> 0:05:41.280 to get the message out is unencumbered. 0:05:41.360 --> 0:05:45.120 Now I want to dig deeper into that word identity 0:05:45.120 --> 0:05:49.080 that you used, because a lot of self help tells 0:05:49.160 --> 0:05:52.839 us to be ourselves, to be our most authentic selves, 0:05:53.400 --> 0:05:57.680 and your work suggests something a lot deeper and actually different, 0:05:57.720 --> 0:06:00.760 that we often don't know who that self is. So 0:06:01.120 --> 0:06:04.240 when did you realize that identity is something that we 0:06:04.279 --> 0:06:05.520 can consciously create? 0:06:05.839 --> 0:06:08.440 Oh, you know, you can trace that back all the 0:06:08.480 --> 0:06:11.760 way to calling in the one. The first edition back 0:06:11.760 --> 0:06:15.120 in two thousand and four called it your false Love Identity, 0:06:15.240 --> 0:06:19.000 and basically the false love identity is also in the 0:06:19.040 --> 0:06:22.680 new work called Your Source Fracture Story, The Original Break 0:06:22.720 --> 0:06:25.640 and Belonging, or the separation where you realized maybe you 0:06:25.720 --> 0:06:28.200 weren't up to par in some way. Twenty two of 0:06:28.240 --> 0:06:31.720 them that I've distinguished is the most common ones that 0:06:31.800 --> 0:06:35.440 most of us struggle with. And I realized that if 0:06:35.480 --> 0:06:38.440 you got what we call triggered pointed you they didn't 0:06:38.480 --> 0:06:41.320 call you back, or you got ghosted, or you know, 0:06:41.400 --> 0:06:43.520 start talking to your friend instead of you at the 0:06:43.520 --> 0:06:46.720 bar or whatever was going on, it dropped down into 0:06:46.920 --> 0:06:49.039 these Oh I'm not you know, sin enough, I'm not 0:06:49.160 --> 0:06:52.160 pretty enough, I'm not rich enough, I'm somehow you know, 0:06:52.240 --> 0:06:55.120 not lovable or not wanted. People don't want me. So 0:06:55.160 --> 0:06:59.160 we have these stories that are kind of well worn sweaters, 0:06:59.240 --> 0:07:02.840 you know, our default place. They're fixed self, they're a 0:07:02.839 --> 0:07:06.120 younger self. We're trying to scratch that itch to get 0:07:06.160 --> 0:07:09.920 it out of the space because we know intuitively that 0:07:10.000 --> 0:07:14.080 when I am emotionally centered in that story, I'm going 0:07:14.120 --> 0:07:17.480 to start doing things like under presenting myself. I'm going 0:07:17.560 --> 0:07:21.320 to disappear myself self, abandoning to people please so that 0:07:21.360 --> 0:07:24.000 person doesn't leave me. I'm going to start auditioning for 0:07:24.040 --> 0:07:26.760 the part of girlfriend. All of these things that covertly 0:07:26.800 --> 0:07:29.920 communicate to others that we are less valuable than them 0:07:30.080 --> 0:07:32.440 and really not standing in the center of our power. 0:07:33.360 --> 0:07:36.679 So in Calling in the One, I was talking about 0:07:36.720 --> 0:07:40.400 how to shift centers so that you can actually not 0:07:40.720 --> 0:07:45.000 source how you're showing up from that old center. One 0:07:45.000 --> 0:07:47.440 of the radical ideas in the book. And I'm a 0:07:47.440 --> 0:07:51.720 psychotherapist and have been training people for years, and I'm 0:07:51.760 --> 0:07:54.320 a little at odds with my profession. Or let's say, 0:07:54.320 --> 0:07:56.080 I have a little cattle prod to go at a 0:07:56.120 --> 0:07:59.679 particular direction that we've not yet gone, because we've gotten 0:07:59.720 --> 0:08:03.760 really good at going backwards to heal our lives, whereas 0:08:03.800 --> 0:08:07.240 in on our bodies, how to regulate ourselves, you know, 0:08:07.760 --> 0:08:10.520 the meaning that we understand it's a younger self, it's 0:08:10.560 --> 0:08:14.200 a child's self. So we've been floating around those conversations 0:08:14.240 --> 0:08:17.400 for a couple of decades. John Bradshaw with his Inner 0:08:17.480 --> 0:08:20.160 Child work, which is great back in the eighties and stuff. 0:08:20.240 --> 0:08:24.560 But what we don't realize is that the future that 0:08:24.600 --> 0:08:29.040 we're living into says as much about what's motivating us 0:08:29.640 --> 0:08:31.880 to show up the way we're showing up today in 0:08:31.960 --> 0:08:34.920 this moment, whether that be a negative future or a 0:08:34.960 --> 0:08:37.520 positive future. The positive future, I'm going to be an 0:08:37.559 --> 0:08:39.839 award winning actor. The negative future, I'm going to be 0:08:39.840 --> 0:08:42.640 an out of work actor who's always struggling in waiting tables. Right, 0:08:42.679 --> 0:08:47.440 So whatever future we're kind of living into or avoiding 0:08:47.760 --> 0:08:52.560 is informing how we're showing up today as much or 0:08:52.679 --> 0:08:54.000 more so than our past. 0:08:54.600 --> 0:08:57.240 You've said so many interesting things that I want to 0:08:57.240 --> 0:08:59.400 touch on a few that I have questions about. The 0:08:59.480 --> 0:09:03.600 first is, at the beginning of your answer to my 0:09:03.679 --> 0:09:08.600 original question, you said something about these twenty two stories. 0:09:09.040 --> 0:09:10.760 Yeah, source fracture stories. 0:09:11.120 --> 0:09:14.160 You say that understanding it can help us wake up 0:09:14.200 --> 0:09:16.079 to a new or truer sense of who we are. 0:09:16.520 --> 0:09:18.320 Almost at the beginning of your book, this is a 0:09:18.320 --> 0:09:20.960 big part of the book. How do you think we 0:09:21.160 --> 0:09:24.360 honor those experiences? Some of them I think are probably 0:09:24.400 --> 0:09:27.200 deep in childhood, as you're mentioning, they are very old 0:09:27.240 --> 0:09:30.800 stories without letting them define us. And what does that 0:09:30.840 --> 0:09:33.280 look like in practice? And I'll give you an example 0:09:33.320 --> 0:09:38.000 when you shared that, My original thought was two big 0:09:38.040 --> 0:09:41.840 wounds I had from childhood. One is in eighth grade, 0:09:42.200 --> 0:09:44.840 right before high school. I went to a really large 0:09:44.880 --> 0:09:47.920 high school, and the night before high school, my best 0:09:48.000 --> 0:09:50.640 friend for ten years called me and said, I don't 0:09:50.679 --> 0:09:53.839 want to be your friend tomorrow, like basically pretend you 0:09:53.920 --> 0:09:56.240 don't know me when we go to high school. And 0:09:56.400 --> 0:10:00.480 I was wrecked. And then I had another one. And 0:10:00.559 --> 0:10:03.520 I think in like fifth or sixth grade, my mom, 0:10:03.640 --> 0:10:05.560 I think a gift that she gave me. She always said, 0:10:05.600 --> 0:10:08.440 go for everything you want, And so I asked a 0:10:08.480 --> 0:10:10.560 boy out and he said no, I don't want to 0:10:10.559 --> 0:10:13.120 be your boyfriend or something in fifth or sixth grade. 0:10:13.600 --> 0:10:16.600 And those are two stories that I think I've moved 0:10:16.640 --> 0:10:19.280 on from. But if you were to ask me a question, 0:10:19.400 --> 0:10:23.360 I could very easily point back to. So using those 0:10:23.440 --> 0:10:26.640 just as an example to harness for people who are listening, 0:10:26.920 --> 0:10:29.120 how do we honor that and then let it go? 0:10:29.559 --> 0:10:31.600 So the book is written like in a seven step 0:10:31.640 --> 0:10:34.160 process so that it's very accessible to people. You can 0:10:34.280 --> 0:10:37.319 actually do it on yourself as you're asking, like how 0:10:37.320 --> 0:10:40.240 do I actually do that? Not just an idea about that, 0:10:41.000 --> 0:10:43.880 and what are the keys to being able to transform 0:10:43.880 --> 0:10:48.840 our lives for good and really graduate from codependence or 0:10:49.040 --> 0:10:53.440 toxic dynamics or whatever the patterns are under earning that 0:10:53.559 --> 0:10:56.400 goes on forever. You know, we want to graduate, We 0:10:56.440 --> 0:10:58.040 want to start to live the lives that we feel 0:10:58.040 --> 0:11:00.920 that we intuitively came here to live, and the key 0:11:00.960 --> 0:11:03.360 to doing that is going to be in our relationship 0:11:03.400 --> 0:11:06.080 with ourselves. And what I mean by that is being 0:11:06.160 --> 0:11:11.600 able to differentiate that younger self, and that probably lodged 0:11:11.760 --> 0:11:14.680 some form of the sources facture story. I'm not wanted 0:11:15.280 --> 0:11:18.800 other people reject me. I can't really count on knowing 0:11:18.840 --> 0:11:22.160 what my place is in the world. There's a tentativeness 0:11:22.440 --> 0:11:22.840 to that. 0:11:23.040 --> 0:11:26.520 Oh, you're so right that second part. I do feel deeply. 0:11:26.600 --> 0:11:29.880 Right, like it could just disappear at any moment. So 0:11:30.160 --> 0:11:34.160 always having to be vigilant to kind of assert myself 0:11:34.200 --> 0:11:36.600 here because I have to keep my place here. That's 0:11:36.679 --> 0:11:40.120 the ways of relating. Now. I'm going to come back 0:11:40.160 --> 0:11:43.120 to how you create that relationship with yourself. But there's 0:11:43.160 --> 0:11:45.160 another piece of this, which is how are we the 0:11:45.240 --> 0:11:48.480 source of the ongoing evidence. We're not just having hard 0:11:48.520 --> 0:11:50.640 time getting over the false beliefs because of what happened 0:11:50.679 --> 0:11:53.040 thirty years ago. It's because of what happened thirty minutes ago. 0:11:53.360 --> 0:11:57.320 What we don't yet see collectively is how did I 0:11:57.360 --> 0:12:00.400 recreate that? Because it feels like something sitting on your 0:12:00.400 --> 0:12:04.520 stars keeps happening again. God made the mountains. God made 0:12:04.559 --> 0:12:06.920 the sun, God made me to be unwanted, and I 0:12:06.960 --> 0:12:09.480 have to work extra hard to always find my place 0:12:09.480 --> 0:12:12.439 in the world. But if you're working extra hard, what 0:12:12.480 --> 0:12:15.480 that means is, now, this isn't you. Because I'm not 0:12:15.520 --> 0:12:17.319 hanging out with you enough to know you tend to 0:12:17.360 --> 0:12:21.600 be a little bit overly assertive and a little pushy sometimes, 0:12:21.840 --> 0:12:25.559 which makes then people back up from you, which registers 0:12:25.720 --> 0:12:26.720 as more rejection. 0:12:27.080 --> 0:12:32.040 Interesting, so the overcorrection actually creates more of the issue. 0:12:32.280 --> 0:12:35.160 Yes, it perpetuates it. So that's one of the things 0:12:35.200 --> 0:12:38.400 that we're not dealing with yet in psychotherapy. Am I 0:12:39.040 --> 0:12:43.320 creating this in my relationship with myself? With others and 0:12:43.400 --> 0:12:47.240 even with life? So with yourself? Going back to how 0:12:47.280 --> 0:12:51.240 do you create this relationship? First of all, I like questions. 0:12:51.480 --> 0:12:53.719 So one of the first questions I might do if 0:12:53.720 --> 0:12:56.520 I notice the collapse, and it could be a collapse 0:12:56.520 --> 0:13:01.680 into anxiety, a collapse into depression, just a contraction away 0:13:01.679 --> 0:13:05.600 from life. I'm starting to feel deflated. You intervene and 0:13:05.640 --> 0:13:08.200 you say to yourself, sweetheart, what are you assuming is true? 0:13:08.240 --> 0:13:10.600 You talk to yourself in the third person. Studies are 0:13:10.600 --> 0:13:13.880 showing that really helps us. You so sweetheart, and some 0:13:13.920 --> 0:13:15.920 people can't say sweetheart, So you have a pet name. 0:13:16.360 --> 0:13:19.760 Just be kind, soft and kind to yourself. And you say, 0:13:19.920 --> 0:13:22.160 you know, Catherine, honey, what are you assuming is true 0:13:22.240 --> 0:13:24.840 right now? Well, I'm assuming that they don't want what 0:13:24.920 --> 0:13:27.240 I have to offer, or I'm assuming I'm always going 0:13:27.280 --> 0:13:30.720 to be alone, or I'm assuming that I'll never amount 0:13:30.800 --> 0:13:33.560 to anything in life, you know, whatever the assumption is. 0:13:34.080 --> 0:13:35.760 And then you say how old are you? 0:13:36.240 --> 0:13:40.080 Oh? Interesting, because the part of what you shared, I 0:13:40.080 --> 0:13:42.439 don't know that I don't feel wanted, but I definitely 0:13:42.440 --> 0:13:46.080 feel vigilant that I'm thinking about how old is that? 0:13:46.559 --> 0:13:49.160 And it's almost like five years old? It's very old. 0:13:49.320 --> 0:13:51.960 There you go, it's just right there. She's really young. 0:13:52.320 --> 0:13:57.040 So then you know you as the adult, grand journey 0:13:57.200 --> 0:14:01.760 of expansion and growth, the you that would be a 0:14:01.800 --> 0:14:04.840 good friend to a best friend having a bad day 0:14:04.920 --> 0:14:08.280 or to a child that needed your solace. We turned 0:14:08.400 --> 0:14:11.679 towards that little five year old and say, sweetheart, you're 0:14:11.880 --> 0:14:13.880 fine just the way you are. I want you just 0:14:13.960 --> 0:14:17.200 as you are. I love you. You don't have to 0:14:17.240 --> 0:14:21.240 try so hard. It's already done. You've already shown your 0:14:21.320 --> 0:14:24.080 worth and your value and people do want you, So 0:14:24.240 --> 0:14:28.720 you start speaking truth to the trauma. Most of us 0:14:28.840 --> 0:14:31.600 when we feel something like the pan out, they're going 0:14:31.680 --> 0:14:33.160 to leave and I'm not going to be okay, and 0:14:33.200 --> 0:14:36.440 then we go after that we identify with the feelings. 0:14:36.680 --> 0:14:39.200 We just buy into it like it's true. We don't 0:14:39.320 --> 0:14:42.320 question it. So one of the things the book does 0:14:42.400 --> 0:14:45.360 is it's teaching us how to press the pause button 0:14:45.960 --> 0:14:49.040 and say, I think that's old trauma. I don't think 0:14:49.080 --> 0:14:53.960 that's truth. What's actually true. Well, what's actually true about 0:14:54.000 --> 0:14:56.640 you is that you have a very prominent place in 0:14:56.680 --> 0:14:59.320 the community. I mean, out of all the podcasts we've 0:14:59.360 --> 0:15:02.160 been doing, you know, there's a few that when they 0:15:02.200 --> 0:15:05.960 came in as an invitation, we went yay, and yours was. 0:15:05.920 --> 0:15:07.880 One of them. Thank you Catherine. 0:15:08.040 --> 0:15:10.560 Yeah, Like we were like, wow, great, oh we're going 0:15:10.560 --> 0:15:13.800 to get to talk to Danielle. How exciting is that? Right? 0:15:13.840 --> 0:15:17.040 So that's who you really are, that's the reality of it. 0:15:17.440 --> 0:15:20.120 So you start to shift centers into that, and then 0:15:20.160 --> 0:15:24.360 you walk into the room with more calm, more command. 0:15:24.960 --> 0:15:27.760 You don't have to push your agenda. People are just 0:15:27.840 --> 0:15:31.320 responding to energy. So if we're pushing our agenda, they 0:15:31.360 --> 0:15:33.360 will back up a little bit. They will put up 0:15:33.360 --> 0:15:35.840 some things, so you're going to get that resistance, but 0:15:35.880 --> 0:15:40.120 that then registers and is interpreted as further proof of 0:15:40.160 --> 0:15:41.000 the I'm not wanted. 0:15:41.320 --> 0:15:45.000 May I ask you what story comes up for you? 0:15:45.080 --> 0:15:49.160 Are you willing to share anything? Was there a story 0:15:49.200 --> 0:15:51.480 that came up for you that made you think of 0:15:51.520 --> 0:15:52.880 these twenty two. 0:15:53.160 --> 0:15:57.120 Well, I mean it all started with, you know, loving relationships, 0:15:57.120 --> 0:15:59.920 because that's where my root is. And I'm a marriage 0:16:00.040 --> 0:16:03.640 and family therapist. That's all about relationship with me, and 0:16:03.720 --> 0:16:06.560 I always felt inferior to people. I had a mom 0:16:06.640 --> 0:16:09.400 who somehow she came out of the wound looking perfect. 0:16:09.760 --> 0:16:13.320 Everything was just proportionately perfect on my mom, and even 0:16:13.680 --> 0:16:16.040 to this day, she's in her late eighties and people 0:16:16.160 --> 0:16:17.800 the first thing they say is, oh my gosh, you're 0:16:17.840 --> 0:16:21.840 so beautiful. Wow, it's amazing. So she was gifted with 0:16:21.960 --> 0:16:24.800 beauty and thinness and stuff. But I kind of took 0:16:24.840 --> 0:16:27.600 after my dad. And this is back in the sixties 0:16:27.600 --> 0:16:30.280 and seventies when you're supposed to be like twiggy and 0:16:30.360 --> 0:16:33.840 my thighs are getting big, and she's given me sideways 0:16:33.920 --> 0:16:37.160 glances and I just kind of collapsed into I'm inferior, 0:16:37.880 --> 0:16:39.760 I'm not good enough. There was a lot of pressure. 0:16:39.800 --> 0:16:41.400 I mean, I think there's still a lot of pressure 0:16:41.440 --> 0:16:44.480 on women to look a certain way and that equals 0:16:44.520 --> 0:16:47.240 our value and stuff, and we're making progress there, but 0:16:47.920 --> 0:16:50.640 it was out of control back in the sixties and seventies. 0:16:50.640 --> 0:16:54.840 So I really lodged this I'm inferior, and it then 0:16:55.040 --> 0:16:58.120 informed a lot of the ways that I was relating 0:16:58.160 --> 0:17:00.640 were I would overgive all the time to try and 0:17:00.720 --> 0:17:05.720 prove my value. I'd overfunction for people, I'd bid off 0:17:05.760 --> 0:17:07.760 more than I can chew because it never felt like 0:17:07.800 --> 0:17:11.560 I was doing enough to prove my value. And basically 0:17:11.880 --> 0:17:14.840 I formed this personality where I was a little bit 0:17:14.880 --> 0:17:18.919 subservient to people, like I would find people to idealize 0:17:18.960 --> 0:17:21.960 and then be their second. And I also had an 0:17:21.960 --> 0:17:23.960 eyeb alone, so it was kind of a combination of 0:17:24.000 --> 0:17:27.000 those two things. But people say I'm inferior, They're going 0:17:27.040 --> 0:17:30.199 to leave me alone. The I'm alone is about, you know, 0:17:30.280 --> 0:17:32.280 I'm going to self abandon I'm going to do anything 0:17:32.400 --> 0:17:35.600 to make sure you don't leave me. So basically I'm 0:17:35.640 --> 0:17:38.800 leaving myself alone all the time because I'm more preoccupied 0:17:38.800 --> 0:17:41.680 with how other people think and feel and what they need. 0:17:41.760 --> 0:17:44.440 I get out of touch with myself and I start 0:17:44.480 --> 0:17:47.119 creating relationships where there's really only one person in the 0:17:47.200 --> 0:17:50.200 room because I'm not really even there. I'm just trying 0:17:50.200 --> 0:17:52.680 to secure that they're not going to leave me, right, 0:17:52.720 --> 0:17:57.919 So our whole personalities kind of form around as compensations. 0:17:58.320 --> 0:18:00.760 There's a thing in psychology now we're you know, we 0:18:00.880 --> 0:18:03.919 lean towards compassions. We say, oh, weren't you clever to 0:18:04.000 --> 0:18:06.080 figure out you know, how to do that when you 0:18:06.080 --> 0:18:09.959 were three or four, to be able to, you know, 0:18:10.000 --> 0:18:13.760 create safety for yourself. But what we're forgetting to say is, 0:18:13.880 --> 0:18:16.760 but that's the most dangerous way to be now, because 0:18:16.840 --> 0:18:18.480 now it's costing you your life. 0:18:18.840 --> 0:18:20.640 And a lot of times we don't even know it. 0:18:21.200 --> 0:18:23.760 No, it's in the invisible. I call it like water 0:18:23.840 --> 0:18:27.040 to fish. Fish don't know what water is. We're swimming 0:18:27.080 --> 0:18:31.040 in our own consciousness. We're assuming it's all true. We're 0:18:31.080 --> 0:18:33.600 assuming that this is how we are made. One of 0:18:33.600 --> 0:18:36.240 the great things about seeing yourself is a source like, oh, 0:18:36.320 --> 0:18:40.680 it's something I'm doing, it's not who I inherently am. 0:18:41.040 --> 0:18:43.600 The moment I make a shift in my energy and 0:18:43.640 --> 0:18:45.800 for you, you can just start to experiment in the 0:18:45.840 --> 0:18:49.080 next week. Just walk into the room and contain your energy. 0:18:49.640 --> 0:18:52.400 Just hold your energy close to the vest and see 0:18:52.400 --> 0:18:56.520 how people now come towards you and ask you to 0:18:56.600 --> 0:18:58.400 start to do the things you want to be doing. 0:18:58.640 --> 0:19:01.320 You know, I actually made that, which I would say 0:19:01.400 --> 0:19:04.280 like five or six years ago. I didn't have the 0:19:04.400 --> 0:19:07.600 language because your book wasn't around, But I did have 0:19:07.680 --> 0:19:10.560 a friend who was very spiritual and she was like, 0:19:10.760 --> 0:19:12.920 you should test this out, like, see how the universe 0:19:13.040 --> 0:19:15.480 will come and conspire to help you. And it did. 0:19:15.720 --> 0:19:19.159 It is so true. I felt the shift, and in 0:19:19.240 --> 0:19:21.720 hearing some of your wounds, I think there are pieces 0:19:21.760 --> 0:19:24.560 of that for me too. So I think for everybody listening, 0:19:24.640 --> 0:19:29.160 it would be really interesting to think about the pattern 0:19:29.440 --> 0:19:32.520 of frustration in your life, because everybody has one, and 0:19:32.560 --> 0:19:35.359 then dig into your book and figure out what it 0:19:35.400 --> 0:19:37.600 really means and where it's coming from, because you lay 0:19:37.600 --> 0:19:38.560 them out very clearly. 0:19:38.880 --> 0:19:41.480 Yeah, the second part of the book, I'm actually showing 0:19:41.800 --> 0:19:46.400 how you are generating for that story is very important 0:19:46.440 --> 0:19:49.919 that we understand something that I think is also a 0:19:49.920 --> 0:19:54.240 little off our radar. A lot of the current psychological 0:19:54.760 --> 0:19:56.960 structures that we're living into or a lot of the 0:19:57.040 --> 0:20:00.600 assumptions we have we're being led by men, and men 0:20:00.680 --> 0:20:03.760 do tend to think differently than women. They're not as relational. 0:20:03.760 --> 0:20:07.919 They're like, you know, solo independent thinkers, and you know, 0:20:07.960 --> 0:20:10.200 and I know I'm broad stroking, So please forgive me 0:20:10.240 --> 0:20:13.199 if I'm offending anybody, because we're all a little bit 0:20:13.200 --> 0:20:14.800 of each and a lot of us women are in 0:20:14.920 --> 0:20:19.240 the masculine paradigm pretty primarily, but beliefs are actually relational. 0:20:19.480 --> 0:20:22.440 The person doing research on this right now is Dan Siegel. 0:20:22.520 --> 0:20:25.439 That guy's onto it. He gets it. So what I 0:20:25.520 --> 0:20:29.040 mean by that is whatever mirroring I'm getting from you 0:20:29.560 --> 0:20:33.840 is actually reinforcing my own sense of self. We tend 0:20:33.920 --> 0:20:36.600 to think of beliefs as we just have this belief 0:20:36.680 --> 0:20:40.520 that I'm a lone ranger or you know, I'm unlovable, 0:20:41.000 --> 0:20:43.320 and we connect the dots. There are certain things that 0:20:43.440 --> 0:20:47.160 happen to us that kind of imprinted us with that impression. 0:20:47.840 --> 0:20:50.119 But we are relating to it as though it's just 0:20:50.320 --> 0:20:54.000 hours and hours alone. But it's a dynamic thing. It's 0:20:54.040 --> 0:20:57.560 an a live thing. It's happening right now. How I am 0:20:57.600 --> 0:21:01.560 responding to you is generating something for you who or 0:21:01.680 --> 0:21:05.399 responding to me that you're not just wandering off or 0:21:05.440 --> 0:21:09.480 reading a book while I'm talking, waiting for me stop talking. 0:21:09.560 --> 0:21:13.240 So this is important, This matters. So it's feeding into 0:21:13.480 --> 0:21:18.360 how I then construct myself. Beliefs are relational and how 0:21:18.400 --> 0:21:22.520 we show up with other people. What our projections are 0:21:22.920 --> 0:21:24.120 really matters. 0:21:24.600 --> 0:21:27.119 So you're making me think, tell me if I'm understanding 0:21:27.160 --> 0:21:30.119 correctly or not. You know, oftentimes when I ask people 0:21:30.480 --> 0:21:33.359 what do you love about your partner, a very common 0:21:33.440 --> 0:21:36.880 answer is I love who I am around them. And 0:21:37.280 --> 0:21:42.040 I'm now thinking that is a belief because you like 0:21:42.200 --> 0:21:44.960 who you show up as because of how they relate 0:21:45.000 --> 0:21:45.280 to you. 0:21:45.720 --> 0:21:47.800 And how you're relating to them. So one of the 0:21:47.840 --> 0:21:51.000 things that we're a little weak in collectively right now, 0:21:51.040 --> 0:21:53.119 this is a place we need to start to grow, 0:21:53.960 --> 0:21:58.040 is the recognition of what the projection is onto others. 0:21:58.040 --> 0:22:01.680 So I talked about that I'm alone either people are 0:22:01.680 --> 0:22:04.240