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Speaker 1: Hi guys, and welcome to a new episode of Couch

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Speaker 1: Talks on You Need Therapy Podcast. My name is Kat.

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Speaker 1: I am the host, and if you do not know

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Speaker 1: what couch Talks is, it's the special bonus episode of

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Speaker 1: You Need Therapy where I answer questions that listeners send

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Speaker 1: to Katherine at You Need Therapy podcast dot com. And

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Speaker 1: quick reminder before we get into today's question that although

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Speaker 1: I'm answering your questions ANAMA therapist, this podcast does not

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Speaker 1: serve as a replacement or substitute for any actual mental

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Speaker 1: health services. However, we always hope that it can help

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Speaker 1: you in some way. And another thing to take note

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Speaker 1: of is we always keep these questions anonymous, so you

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Speaker 1: never have to worry about being exposed and you can

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Speaker 1: feel safe study in your question. We usually do one

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Speaker 1: a week and we're going to stay with that today

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Speaker 1: and I have no announcements, so I guess we get

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Speaker 1: straight to the question here. It is, Hey, Kat, I

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Speaker 1: recently moved to a new city for a job. I'm

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Speaker 1: twenty eight years old and left my hometown where I've

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Speaker 1: always had an awesome group of friends that has been

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Speaker 1: consistent since middle school. I almost didn't take the job

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Speaker 1: because I didn't want to leave my favorite people, but

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Speaker 1: I wanted to take a chance on myself and didn't

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Speaker 1: want to ask myself ears down the road. What if

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Speaker 1: I have to admit that this has been scarier than I imagined.

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Speaker 1: I'm in a big city full of people, but I

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Speaker 1: feel like it's so hard to meet anybody. I'm realizing

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Speaker 1: that I've actually never had to put effort into finding friends.

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Speaker 1: I just always kind of fell into a group. I'm

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Speaker 1: wondering if you have any tips or tricks to help

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Speaker 1: find new friends in a big city. Thank you? Okay,

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Speaker 1: So I chose to answer this question today because I

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Speaker 1: feel like, well, there's two things. One, there is a

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Speaker 1: lot more content around dating relationships and how to find

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Speaker 1: partners and how to put yourself out there in that sense,

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Speaker 1: and way less content around friend relationships and conversations around

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Speaker 1: what that's like. And I think what you're saying can

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Speaker 1: be almost more painful, if not just as painful not

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Speaker 1: having a community at all and feeling like you're alone

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Speaker 1: in a space where you're passing people and walking past

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Speaker 1: people and seeing people all the time. And one of

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Speaker 1: the reasons I personally have not put out a lot

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Speaker 1: of content around this or spent a lot of time

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Speaker 1: talking about making friends is honestly because I sometimes feel

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Speaker 1: that I don't have anything new to say. I don't

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Speaker 1: have any revolutionary ideas. I know you ask for tips

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Speaker 1: and tricks. I don't have any ideas or tricks that

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Speaker 1: you wouldn't necessarily find from googling something like this asking

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Speaker 1: a friend that I assume. However, I'm also realizing that

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Speaker 1: even if I don't have anything new to say to

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Speaker 1: you guys, it also can just be helpful to know

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Speaker 1: that this is something that you're not alone in. Making

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Speaker 1: friends is hard, and making friends as an adult can

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Speaker 1: be hard for a number of reasons. It can feel

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Speaker 1: like everybody else already has their group, and you know

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Speaker 1: when you're younger, at least it was for me, being

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Speaker 1: a new kid in like elementary school was exciting, right.

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Speaker 1: Everybody wanted to sit by the new person or be

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Speaker 1: the new person's buddy. It was like a new, shiny

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Speaker 1: thing to get to know and hang out with. And

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Speaker 1: being the new person in adulthood you kind of get lost, right.

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Speaker 1: People don't care as much that you're the new person.

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Speaker 1: People might not even know you're the new person because

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Speaker 1: sometimes it feels like everybody's just you know, wrapped up

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Speaker 1: in their own lives, and so I decided to bring

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Speaker 1: this question on. Even though I'm not going to give you,

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Speaker 1: in my opinion, solutionary information, sometimes it is just helpful

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Speaker 1: to know that there are other people that are struggling

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Speaker 1: with this as well, and it might give you some

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Speaker 1: extra courage to do one of those things or one

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Speaker 1: of those tips, because you know the person that you

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Speaker 1: reach out to or the person that you connect with

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Speaker 1: might be in the space that you're into. And if

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Speaker 1: you're somebody that doesn't struggle with this, it can help

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Speaker 1: you feel more open to creating a more inviting space

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Speaker 1: for other people. And I also know it is one

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Speaker 1: of the things that I probably the top five things

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Speaker 1: I talk about in my office with people is community

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Speaker 1: and friendship. Whether you've lived here for a long time

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Speaker 1: and friends are just in different stages, or you're new

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Speaker 1: to the place that you're in, it speaks to the

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Speaker 1: loneliness epidemic that we're in. We find a lot of

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Speaker 1: ways to connect with people on social media and the internet,

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Speaker 1: and that can leave us feeling less connected because we

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Speaker 1: don't have those in our tangible everyday life, and the

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Speaker 1: only way we can find that sometimes it is through

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Speaker 1: a screen, and that's something new that we're experiencing. It

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Speaker 1: speaks to the Third Places episode that I just put

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Speaker 1: out two weeks ago, And I think that the shifting

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Speaker 1: and how we spend time and how we show up

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Speaker 1: in our communities impacts how easy it is to make

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Speaker 1: friends and to put yourself in a new space and

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Speaker 1: meet people. The openness, it's just different. I think we're

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Speaker 1: in a more i'm going to use a word like

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Speaker 1: closed off society than I think we've been in a

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Speaker 1: long time, just because of technology. I think is a

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Speaker 1: big part of that, and I think COVID played a

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Speaker 1: role in that as well. And we'll say before I

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Speaker 1: get into the tips and tricks, if you want to

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Speaker 1: call them that, it's why I started, or I'm going

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Speaker 1: to start with my therapy practice a book club. Not

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Speaker 1: because I necessarily want to have a book club, but

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Speaker 1: it was a way for me to create little pockets

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Speaker 1: of environments that would bring people into a space that

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Speaker 1: might be different but also like minded. So our book

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Speaker 1: club is going to be books that they could be

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Speaker 1: fiction or non fiction, but they are going to be

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Speaker 1: thought provoking books that help you think about yourself and

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Speaker 1: the world around you and grow and learn. And we're

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Speaker 1: pairing reading those books with a meeting quarterly with a

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Speaker 1: small group of women to talk about what comes up.

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Speaker 1: And one of the reasons I'm doing that is to

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Speaker 1: open a space of community to people. Now quarterly isn't

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Speaker 1: a lot, but it is something, and I will say

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Speaker 1: if you are interested in doing that, go to Three

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Speaker 1: Chords Therapy dot com and there is a tab called

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Speaker 1: you can Read with Us. Click that and then you

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Speaker 1: can send in your information. So we'll let you know

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Speaker 1: the details of when that's going to start and how

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Speaker 1: to sign up. When that happens, it's probably going to

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Speaker 1: be in late August. September is when we're going to

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Speaker 1: do the sign ups. It is something that some of

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Speaker 1: you guys have asked. It is going to be in Nashville,

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Speaker 1: so it's not a virtual event, but depending on what

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Speaker 1: the interest is, I am so open to creating a

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Speaker 1: more virtual space. But it's going to be different than

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Speaker 1: the actual book club we're having here because the reason

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Speaker 1: I started it, or we are starting it, is to

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Speaker 1: create those little pockets of real community. But who knows,

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Speaker 1: we might add a different layer of it virtually as well.

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Speaker 1: But I think also to speak to that, there are

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Speaker 1: so many more book clubs popping up. I don't know

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Speaker 1: if that's because that's in the age bracket I'm in

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Speaker 1: now they're joining in a book club. But I think

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Speaker 1: that is not because all of a sudden it pays

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Speaker 1: obsessed with reading. But I think people are obsessed with

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Speaker 1: finding people to hang out with them and making friends

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Speaker 1: and finding community because we realized that we were lacking that.

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Speaker 1: So this is what I would say to somebody, A

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Speaker 1: couple really easy, small things that might help you dive

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Speaker 1: into finding community or getting closer to it. And the

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Speaker 1: first thing is shocking for me to say, because it's

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Speaker 1: something that I don't really love. The first thing is

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Speaker 1: shocking for me to say because it's something that I

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Speaker 1: don't really love, but it is get really good at

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Speaker 1: small talk. People hate on small talk, and I do too,

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Speaker 1: but I hate on it not because I don't like it.

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Speaker 1: It's because I'm not good at it. It's actually very valuable.

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Speaker 1: And I was reopened to this idea when I was

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Speaker 1: doing research on my episode for the third places I

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Speaker 1: just mentioned. We aren't used to doing small talk anymore.

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Speaker 1: We've created ways that that isn't necessary. Right, everything's online,

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Speaker 1: even our customer service representats, we're talking to robots. We

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Speaker 1: don't have to do those small little touch points with

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Speaker 1: people anymore. Or we're from a generation that never has

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Speaker 1: had to practice, so we're just not good at it.

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Speaker 1: But it is actually a very simple thing, and it

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Speaker 1: is what leads to so many really cool experiences and

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Speaker 1: what opens you up to new environments. Maybe it's not

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Speaker 1: that person that you're going to be friends with, but

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Speaker 1: that person might know somebody else that then wants to

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Speaker 1: connect to you because of something you said. It can

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Speaker 1: be starting with saying, hey, oh my gosh, I love

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Speaker 1: your bag. Where'd you get it? It could lead to

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Speaker 1: someone sharing a story about their trip to Canada where

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Speaker 1: they bought this bag at a random boutique, and then

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Speaker 1: that leads to you talking about this business trip, the

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Speaker 1: one time that you ever went to Canada, and then

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Speaker 1: that person can be like, oh my gosh, my husband

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Speaker 1: was on that business trip. He works for this company,

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Speaker 1: and you can say, oh my gosh, I work for

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Speaker 1: this company and we do blah blah blah blah. It

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Speaker 1: could keep going and it can lead to something and

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Speaker 1: what might have felt really miniscule complimenting somebody's bag could

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Speaker 1: turn into a connection of some sorts and we don't

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Speaker 1: know that because we don't do it anymore. Maybe we'll

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Speaker 1: do a little episode with a small talk expert, because

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Speaker 1: I think that could be helpful of ways to make

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Speaker 1: small talk not so scary and also seem less silly,

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Speaker 1: because again I think people hate on it. They're like, oh,

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Speaker 1: I can't stand small talk. I want to get into

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Speaker 1: the nitty gritty and I don't want to waste my time.

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Speaker 1: But I don't think it's appropriate to walk up to

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Speaker 1: a random person and say, you know, tell me your deepest,

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Speaker 1: darkest secret. And if we want to get to the

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Speaker 1: point where we are asking those kinds of questions, sometimes

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Speaker 1: it's starting with very simple things where we just make

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Speaker 1: a point of connection with somebody that leads us to

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Speaker 1: the spaces where it's safe to have those more deeper conversations.

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Speaker 1: So one get really good at small talk. Two really simple.

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Speaker 1: Join something. It can be a gym, a pottery class,

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Speaker 1: or writing class, or run club. It could be literally anything.

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Speaker 1: Join something that puts you in a space where you're

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Speaker 1: doing more of the small talk. Also that small talk

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Speaker 1: can be when you're waiting in line at target or

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Speaker 1: picking up food at the register. That can be anywhere,

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Speaker 1: but those other spaces allow you new faces where you

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Speaker 1: might be seeing them more regularly, where you are going

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Speaker 1: to start doing the small talk. That might lead to

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Speaker 1: less of the small talk and more of the deeper talk.

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Speaker 1: Number three, except that it's going to be awkward and uncomfortable.

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Speaker 1: Just accept that. I think that often times we tried

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Speaker 1: to wait for or we try to look for experiences

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Speaker 1: that are not going to have that in them, the

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Speaker 1: awkward and then the discomfort, and I think that actually

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Speaker 1: removes really good opportunities for us and sometimes removes all

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Speaker 1: opportunities because it's going to be awkward. It's going to

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Speaker 1: be uncomfortable meeting new people. There's going to be awkward

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Speaker 1: silences or we don't know what to say, or did

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Speaker 1: I just put my foot in my mouth or did

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Speaker 1: they like me? That's going to be part of it.

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Speaker 1: And the more we accept that, the less scary it

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Speaker 1: is and the less feelings in stories of I have

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Speaker 1: to avoid that. We don't have to avoid it. It's

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Speaker 1: part of the process and everybody's experiencing it. Too. It's

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Speaker 1: not just you. It sometimes can feel that because nobody's

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Speaker 1: talking about it, you're not at an event, and you're

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Speaker 1: not sitting there being like, I'm uncomfortable, this is awkward

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Speaker 1: out loud, because that would be kind of weird. But

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Speaker 1: I guarantee you're not the only person that's feeling that.

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Speaker 1: We actually had a party at one of my friend's

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Speaker 1: houses last weekend and there was a bunch of people

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Speaker 1: from different groups. They're like me and my friends each

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Speaker 1: invited some of our own friends, and some of them

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Speaker 1: didn't know anybody, and a friend of one of my

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Speaker 1: friend's friends came and didn't know anybody, and the friend

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Speaker 1: that invited him didn't even come, so that was confusing.

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Speaker 1: But my friend invited her friend. Her friend, who nobody

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Speaker 1: else knew, invited her friend, who also nobody else knew,

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Speaker 1: but then she didn't come. So this person knew nobody,

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Speaker 1: not even one of us. And I didn't know that

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Speaker 1: until the end of the party, and I was like, oh, like,

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Speaker 1: who invited you? And oh, actually I don't know anybody here.

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Speaker 1: My friend invited me and then they couldn't come, and

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Speaker 1: I was so impressed, and I remember seeing them in

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Speaker 1: the beginning and they're kind of standing off to the

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Speaker 1: side on their own and I as I was, we

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Speaker 1: were playing games and I was explaining some of the

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Speaker 1: rules to the games, and I'm sure that person felt

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Speaker 1: awkward in that moment. And as the day went on,

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Speaker 1: they started having conversations with people, they were playing games,

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Speaker 1: they were spending time with people, and started to feel

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Speaker 1: more comfortable. And that the end of the night, he

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Speaker 1: ended up going to dinner with a bunch of the

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Speaker 1: people that he met at that party that he had

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Speaker 1: didn't know who they were, and it was awkward, I

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Speaker 1: think for him. I'm making that story up because and

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Speaker 1: ask him, but I'm sure it was. And you embrace

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Speaker 1: that because if you don't embrace it, you miss out

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Speaker 1: on what could have been at the end, and that

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Speaker 1: was him going to dinner with a whole new group

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Speaker 1: of people. So just accept that it's awkward. It's going

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Speaker 1: to be awkward, and also with that, give yourself an out.

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Speaker 1: So if you're going to put yourself in experiences where

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Speaker 1: you're going to try new things, you might be sometimes,

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Speaker 1: you know, going out on a ledge and you might

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Speaker 1: try something that's kind of a dud or it's awkward

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Speaker 1: but it's like to a whole other level. And I

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Speaker 1: want anybody who's giving themselves the challenge of putting themselves

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Speaker 1: in one of those situations to also give themselves autonomy

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Speaker 1: that i can leave if it's not working and I've

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Speaker 1: been here for two hours and i still haven't spoken

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Speaker 1: to anybody, or you know, I'm not really driving with

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Speaker 1: any of the people here, It's okay to leave. You

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Speaker 1: can leave something early. You don't have to have excuse,

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Speaker 1: you can say whatever you want. Give yourself an out.

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Speaker 1: It's similar to dating. When you're going on first dates.

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Speaker 1: Sometimes it can feel more comfortable to say I'm going

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Speaker 1: to meet this person for coffee or a drink or

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Speaker 1: something right before in another event. So if it is

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Speaker 1: going horribly, you're like, oh, I have to leave in

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Speaker 1: an hour anyway, so there's an end time, and sometimes

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Speaker 1: that makes it feel more doable. So give yourself an out.

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Speaker 1: And then the last two things I'm going to say

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Speaker 1: super simple, rest and then try again. Because this stuff

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Speaker 1: takes a lot of emotional energy, we can burn ourselves out,

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Speaker 1: and so take time to rest because this stuff is hard.

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Speaker 1: It might not be innate to you when small talks

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Speaker 1: on innate when it takes energy to do that, acknowledge

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Speaker 1: that it's okay. Allow yourself to rest until it feels

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Speaker 1: more go with the flow until it feels more easy

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Speaker 1: and more just part of your personality or something that's

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Speaker 1: regular in your routine. Rest after you do something that

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Speaker 1: takes a lot out of you, and then allow yourself

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Speaker 1: to get back in there and try again. So those

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Speaker 1: are my tips. Again, they might not be anything new,

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Speaker 1: but I think even allowing this to be a conversation

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Speaker 1: we have on here might help you feel more encouraged

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Speaker 1: to do it and might also, on the other side,

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Speaker 1: encourage you to be more open to the people that

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Speaker 1: you know are out there doing this, because making president

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Speaker 1: as an adult in a new city when you don't

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Speaker 1: know anybody and you have no connections is not a joke.

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Speaker 1: You don't get automatically put in a class where those

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Speaker 1: people come your friends. Don't get automatically put on a

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Speaker 1: soccer team and those people come your friends. You don't

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Speaker 1: automatically get put in these different spaces that we got

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Speaker 1: put in as kids when we were growing up. We

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Speaker 1: have to go put ourselves in those spaces, and then

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Speaker 1: we have to, you know, stay in them for enough

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Speaker 1: time that allows us to develop those relationships and make

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Speaker 1: space for those relationships. So good luck to the person

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Speaker 1: that wrote this question. Know that you're not alone. I'm

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Speaker 1: sending you all the encouragement and also remember rest and

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Speaker 1: try again. All right, that's going to do it for

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Speaker 1: today's episode. I hope it was helpful, and if you

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Speaker 1: guys would like to follow along with us, you can

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Speaker 1: follow at You Need Therapy podcast on Instagram and at

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Speaker 1: Katherine van Buren. You can also follow my therapy practice

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Speaker 1: at Three Courts Therapy. And if you are interested in

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Speaker 1: that book club like I mentioned, Threecortsthapy dot com click

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Speaker 1: you can read with us and fill out that little

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Speaker 1: info sheet and we will keep you connected. You can

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Speaker 1: also find that link in the link in my bio

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Speaker 1: and three Courts Therapies bios on Instagram. That is going

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Speaker 1: to do it. I hope you guys have the day

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Speaker 1: you need to have and I will be back with

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Speaker 1: you on Monday. Bye.