Speaker 1: Hello everybody. Hi, Hi, you're listening to Dear Chelsea. I'm Chelsea,
Speaker 1: and oh oh wait, before we get started, I want
Speaker 1: to talk about this book that my friend wrote. Her
Speaker 1: name is Shelley to Gilski. I think that's how you
Speaker 1: pronounced her last name, but quite honestly, I don't know
Speaker 1: if I'm pronouncing it right. Anyway, she wrote this new book,
Speaker 1: and I wrote the foreward for the book, and I
Speaker 1: just got done reading the book so that I could
Speaker 1: write the foreward for the book. And I just have
Speaker 1: to say that it's I'm going to have her honest
Speaker 1: soon as we can, because this is the person who
Speaker 1: for me made meditation cool and made mindfulness cool, and like,
Speaker 1: she drinks and she has fun and she laughs and
Speaker 1: she's like she's not a serious meditation person. She's like
Speaker 1: a fun, vibrant meditation person. And she's the one who
Speaker 1: kind of turned me on too, understanding that, oh, there's
Speaker 1: more than one group of people who meditate. There's a
Speaker 1: whole panoply. So I'm really excited for you guys to
Speaker 1: read her book. Be I'll have her on the podcast
Speaker 1: soon and we can talk about our friendship. And she's
Speaker 1: the one who started the pandemic of love. So this
Speaker 1: organization that I've mentioned on this podcast on separate occasions,
Speaker 1: and what she does is she matches a donor, and
Speaker 1: she matches somebody in need, and she puts you in
Speaker 1: touch so somebody will agree to, you know, help you
Speaker 1: with your rent for six months and then you have
Speaker 1: a direct line of communication with them. And she's helped
Speaker 1: give over like fifty four million dollars during this pandemic
Speaker 1: of financial transactions between people helping people, And it's so important.
Speaker 1: It's all about just community and being there for your community,
Speaker 1: and like, how are you going to show up in
Speaker 1: your small way to make the small ripple effect in
Speaker 1: your small life to have it ripple to bigger, bigger,
Speaker 1: bigger ponds, Like how do we all do that? And
Speaker 1: it just takes everybody being actively engaged with their community,
Speaker 1: with their neighbors, kind of like it was in the
Speaker 1: olden days, so that when somebody's falling, you're there to
Speaker 1: pick them up, and when you're falling, they're there to
Speaker 1: pick you up. So it was really profound and I
Speaker 1: was a good reminder for me to read that book.
Speaker 1: So it's called Sit Down to Rise Up. I don't
Speaker 1: think it's out yet, but it will be coming out.
Speaker 1: And if you want to be supportive of Pandemic of Love,
Speaker 1: you can go to Pandemic of Love dot com and
Speaker 1: sign up, register to be a donor, or register if
Speaker 1: you're in need. And on that note, I'm already exhausted
Speaker 1: from talking. What do we do now, Brandon? Today's episode
Speaker 1: are all about bodies and sets to your favorite topics. Oh, okay,
Speaker 1: is about body dysmorphia or not necessarily body morphia, just
Speaker 1: about our anatomy? Okay, great, I'm a biologist. Well, and
Speaker 1: let's get into the first submission. It comes from Kimberly
Speaker 1: from Melbourne, Melbourne, Melbourne, Melbourne, Melbourne, Melbourne. She's thirty eight.
Speaker 1: She writes, Dear Chelsea, I'm a thirty eight year old
Speaker 1: lesbian from Melbourne, Australia, and I'm thirty eight weeks pregnant.
Speaker 1: I'm pretty happy about it, as it took some effort
Speaker 1: to get here, but as now I'm considered full term,
Speaker 1: I find myself suddenly wondering how it's anatomically possible for
Speaker 1: this thing to come out of my huha without causing
Speaker 1: some kind of irreparable damage on both my mental and
Speaker 1: physical health. Why do women do this? Do you have
Speaker 1: any tips or advice on how to prepare for labor
Speaker 1: and birth? She came to the right place. I have
Speaker 1: any tips on how to prepare for labor. Yeah, don't
Speaker 1: get pregnant. It's too late for you. I don't like
Speaker 1: when people speak in weeks. As soon as they become pregnant,
Speaker 1: they start talking about weeks in pregnant. What about when
Speaker 1: they have the baby? And then it's like, I know,
Speaker 1: I know, I know, don't It's so annoying. But anyway,
Speaker 1: thirty eight weeks is what four into thirty eight is
Speaker 1: almost she's eight months pregnant. Okay, eight months pregnant. Well,
Speaker 1: the good news is is that people have been having
Speaker 1: babies since the beginning of time. So while you may
Speaker 1: feel like it's going to cause irreparable damage, I would
Speaker 1: argue that you are panicking at the last stage of
Speaker 1: your pregnancy, because that's probably what women do to once
Speaker 1: they realize that a person is going to come out
Speaker 1: of your Pikachu. It is a hard reckoning. It is
Speaker 1: hard to think about that. But what you can use
Speaker 1: to assuase your fears is the knowledge that this is
Speaker 1: happening every day to millions of people. I mean, how
Speaker 1: many babies are born a day? Yeah, I look that up.
Speaker 1: I mean, you're in a big city with a real
Speaker 1: hospital and people who have tons of experience laboring and
Speaker 1: delivering babies. So I don't think you have a lot
Speaker 1: to worry about except for your personal fears. And I
Speaker 1: think you just have to kind of come to Jesus
Speaker 1: with the idea that like, this is what becoming a
Speaker 1: parent feels like. It's scary, and you're gonna be scared
Speaker 1: after the baby is born at certain times. You're gonna
Speaker 1: be scared during certain parts of their childhood. But the
Speaker 1: important thing is that you're almost done. So that's a
Speaker 1: victory in and of itself. And when you are done,
Speaker 1: if anything happens to your Pikachu, they can fix that.
Speaker 1: You can tell them in advance that you want them
Speaker 1: to fix that. What's going to happen to you mentally,
Speaker 1: You're going to go through so many different emotions and
Speaker 1: hormonal incitements that it's going to be a very, very
Speaker 1: probably blurry time being a new mother for the first time.
Speaker 1: So how many babies are born every day? Approximately three
Speaker 1: hundred according to the u n. That's a hundred and
Speaker 1: forty million a year. That's too many. That is too
Speaker 1: many people. Wow, that's so scary. A hundred and forty
Speaker 1: million people a year are born. It's a lot of
Speaker 1: people who shouldn't be having babies. Well, but let's focus
Speaker 1: on the fact that this woman is having a baby.
Speaker 1: She is and that's that's a glorious decision that you
Speaker 1: made your lesbian right, So she you actually worked very
Speaker 1: hard to figure this out. So you're in a great
Speaker 1: position and you should be enjoying it. And if you
Speaker 1: have moments of doubt and insecurity, that's normal. Well, and
Speaker 1: I do think again, meditation just too mentally prepare for yeah,
Speaker 1: for your integrating with the baby, and prepare yourself emotionally.
Speaker 1: That's a great idea. I'm sure there's pregnancy meditations if
Speaker 1: you look on Calm or headspace or Chopra, any of
Speaker 1: those apps offer all those kinds of meditations. But you
Speaker 1: should really start to get real focused on the labor
Speaker 1: and delivery and know that you're gonna succeed and prevail
Speaker 1: and it's all gonna work out and you're gonna be fine.
Speaker 1: Because we're living in the year. So you know the
Speaker 1: days of you going to the hospital having a baby
Speaker 1: and something terrible happened. You know, that's not the way
Speaker 1: we live in society these days. Just harness that strength
Speaker 1: that you have. Yeah, you're a mama bear. You're a
Speaker 1: mama bear. You gotta be strong for you and your
Speaker 1: Oh that's exciting to have a baby if you're someone
Speaker 1: other than me, Kimberly. Problem solved. Kimberly, thanks for calling
Speaker 1: or writing and and good luck. Send us a picture
Speaker 1: of you and your baby. Okay, we're gonna take a
Speaker 1: quick break right now and we'll be right back with
Speaker 1: more calls and calls and just love. Okay, I think
Speaker 1: we need to get her some straight up birthing advice,
Speaker 1: since neither of us can do that. Obviously, we're gonna
Speaker 1: get my friend Carson Meyer on the phone. So this
Speaker 1: is very exciting for me because I know Carson, but
Speaker 1: I had no idea she was a dula. And this
Speaker 1: is somebody who's going to talk to us about what
Speaker 1: actually happens when you give birth. So to the woman
Speaker 1: we just spoke to, and to all women out there
Speaker 1: who are scared shitless of childbirth, count me in. Carson
Speaker 1: is going to help us demystify I guess the entire situation.
Speaker 1: Hi Carson, Hi, Oh my god, I love you. You
Speaker 1: know what You're just what an adorable? I can't believe
Speaker 1: you're a dula. Now I've been a duela for almost
Speaker 1: five years, but I didn't even think you were nineteen
Speaker 1: years old or how old? Are you? Almost eight? Oh?
Speaker 1: My god? Are you back in l A I am.
Speaker 1: I'm into Panga, the of the Duels. Oh, that's where
Speaker 1: all duelas have to live of capital of the World. Carson,
Speaker 1: really quick, can we get and explanate what is a duela?
Speaker 1: For people listening who don't know or not familiar with
Speaker 1: the profession, what exactly does a duela do? And maybe
Speaker 1: how could they find a duel if they are interested. Yeah. So,
Speaker 1: as a birth doul, I work with parents through pregnancy, birth,
Speaker 1: and postpartum to help inform and educate them on all
Speaker 1: of their choices in whatever setting they choose to give birth.
Speaker 1: I'm helping to advocate for them, making sure their voices
Speaker 1: are being heard, needs are being met, and that they
Speaker 1: have all of the information they need to make empowered
Speaker 1: decisions through the process. So, okay, So we had to
Speaker 1: call her. How would you summarize her. She was very
Speaker 1: far along in her pregnancy and it just dawned on
Speaker 1: her that she's going to have to birth this child.
Speaker 1: It's no longer just going to take up space in
Speaker 1: her uterus. It's going to have to come out at
Speaker 1: some point. So she needs she needs a little pep talk.
Speaker 1: She needs advice and insight on what to expect to
Speaker 1: get through it. She's freaking out and can't believe she's
Speaker 1: about to give birth. I think just the process itself
Speaker 1: is what's so scary to her, Like the idea, which
Speaker 1: I think is very relatable, that it's very scary to
Speaker 1: think about a human being coming out of your vagina,
Speaker 1: what happens to your vagina, the pain that you experience,
Speaker 1: and what happens if anything goes wrong, and how you
Speaker 1: recover in the short term and probably in the long term.
Speaker 1: You know. I saw TikTok video the other day of
Speaker 1: a live childbirth, and I was disturbed, to say the
Speaker 1: very least. And I just can't imagine something so violent
Speaker 1: happening to my Pikachu. Yeah, I hear you. I hear you,
Speaker 1: and I think we I feel this way. I felt like,
Speaker 1: you know, we had sex, said, right. We were raised
Speaker 1: to think get pregnant and die. Right, It's just the
Speaker 1: most terrifying thing that can happen. Prefer that scene in
Speaker 1: Mean Girls, right, or it's like have sex, get pregnant,
Speaker 1: and die. And that's like the extent of our childbirth
Speaker 1: education as young women. And so for me, it was
Speaker 1: when I saw the business of being born in college
Speaker 1: that I was like blown away by seeing depiction of
Speaker 1: birth that wasn't just the Hollywood depiction of birth. It
Speaker 1: wasn't flailing legs and blood and all these masked men
Speaker 1: standing over you. It was powerful and in some cases
Speaker 1: even pleasurable and very empowering for these women. And so
Speaker 1: I was like, why haven't I seen these depictions of birth?
Speaker 1: And where's the class later on in life to say, Okay,
Speaker 1: we're not scaring you into pregnancy anymore. Here are your choices,
Speaker 1: here are your options, here is some let's work through
Speaker 1: these fears that we kind of pushed on you for
Speaker 1: so many years. Seeing the business of being born was
Speaker 1: really eye opening to me. And so I think she
Speaker 1: is not alone in that fear. I hear this all
Speaker 1: the time, and part of what I do as a
Speaker 1: birth duel is help parents work through these fears, demystify
Speaker 1: some of the myths that they have been hearing around childbirth,
Speaker 1: and then also know how to approach of what can
Speaker 1: be a very difficult process and something that is a
Speaker 1: huge life transformation. So what does our body naturally do
Speaker 1: for us during this process? I think that's what people
Speaker 1: have a hard time understanding. How does your vagina open
Speaker 1: up big? And then what happens after? I mean that's
Speaker 1: my first question obviously, that's but like, how does your
Speaker 1: body internally ready you for this experience? Yes, so the
Speaker 1: understanding the physiological process of what is happening in the
Speaker 1: body during pregnancy and labor and postpartum is unbelievable and incredible,
Speaker 1: and for me, it just gives me such a deeper
Speaker 1: respect for the female body and nature and how brilliant
Speaker 1: the whole process is. What happens in labor is the cervix,
Speaker 1: which has remained closed and hard through pregnancy to keep
Speaker 1: the baby inside, is starting to soften and open. And
Speaker 1: so a process that we say, oh it takes so long, right, yeah,
Speaker 1: first time leaver, it can be long, But really, what's
Speaker 1: happening in a day or two Your cervix is going
Speaker 1: from completely closed to ten centimeters open to allow for
Speaker 1: the baby to come out. And this happens through the
Speaker 1: contracting of ten centimes. Is that the limit or can
Speaker 1: it go beyond that ten centimeters? It just goes to
Speaker 1: ten centimes, I bet you some people go to twelve.
Speaker 1: Well it does you know? It stretches and allows for
Speaker 1: the baby to come through. Um. The cervix is what goes.
Speaker 1: It's on the top of the birth canal right, the
Speaker 1: vagina so okay, well that's good because I honestly didn't
Speaker 1: know that that has to open for the baby to
Speaker 1: come into the birth Okay, copy, that keep going. What's
Speaker 1: happening in that process the contractions, which is the stimulation
Speaker 1: of the uterus that is bringing the baby's head down
Speaker 1: onto this cervix and lower into the pelvis. That happens
Speaker 1: due to oxytocin. And some people know of oxytocin because
Speaker 1: it's this potocin, which is very widely used in UH
Speaker 1: labor as a drug, is a synthetic version of oxytocin.
Speaker 1: But oxytocin is something we create in our bodies automat
Speaker 1: to be confused with oxycotton. People this is a two.
Speaker 1: These are two very separate items. They are, but they
Speaker 1: also both feel good right a few chemical or hormones,
Speaker 1: So oxytocin is known as the love hormone because it's
Speaker 1: released in our bodies when we fall in love, when
Speaker 1: we have sex or orgasm, when we are with our pets,
Speaker 1: when we are in laughing amongst friends. It's what bonds
Speaker 1: us to one another and makes us feel good and
Speaker 1: like we belong. The highest surge of oxytocin that ever
Speaker 1: happens in the body happens in labor, and this is
Speaker 1: what is contracting the uterus. So I always say that
Speaker 1: you know, feeling good having a dula, how the music,
Speaker 1: having support, feeling safe, being in low lighting, having candles right,
Speaker 1: the same way the baby comes in is the same
Speaker 1: way the baby comes out. Having that oxytocin, and that
Speaker 1: feel good is not just a nice experience for your birth,
Speaker 1: but it's literally telling your body you are safe, you
Speaker 1: are okay to bring baby out into the world. So
Speaker 1: I think that's like the proof of how important it
Speaker 1: is to work through fear before birth and to approach
Speaker 1: it feeling empowered and supported, because when we stop the
Speaker 1: flow of oxytocin, we stop the flow of labor. Oxytocin
Speaker 1: is also what bonds you to your baby right away.
Speaker 1: So when you look into your baby's eyes, when you
Speaker 1: have skin to skin, what does oxytocin do. It tells
Speaker 1: the uterus to continue contracting, and that's what helps stop
Speaker 1: leading postpartum. It's what gets that uterus that has grown
Speaker 1: to the size of a watermelon back to size. It's
Speaker 1: also what tells your body to produce breast milk. So
Speaker 1: it's really this brilliant hormone that is play. Wow. That
Speaker 1: is you know what. This is a very helpful explanation
Speaker 1: for someone who will never have a baby. You make
Speaker 1: it sound beautiful. Now, I'm understanding the draw. If you
Speaker 1: do it the right way, it can be beautiful. Yeah,
Speaker 1: and I think there's there's room for for it all.
Speaker 1: It's beautiful and it's hard and it's messy, but I do.
Speaker 1: My wish for all women who want to have kids
Speaker 1: is that they can go into it feeling that and
Speaker 1: knowing that feeling good is what's going to serve them. Yeah. Also,
Speaker 1: you know my psychiatrist, he has a theory about being born.
Speaker 1: Well not it's not his theory but there is a
Speaker 1: theory out there, you know, about being born, about being
Speaker 1: You're in the womb and it's safe, and it's you're
Speaker 1: there for nine months and there's no noise, and and
Speaker 1: you're being fed and you don't have to go to
Speaker 1: the bathroom. And then you're thrust into fluorescent lighting, spanked
Speaker 1: on the ass and having tubes shoved in you, and
Speaker 1: all of a sudden you're in the world and you
Speaker 1: have to communicate that you're hungry, and you have to
Speaker 1: communicate that you have to go to the bathroom, and
Speaker 1: that is a trauma in and of itself. Being born
Speaker 1: is traumatic, yeah, and I, but I doesn't have to be.
Speaker 1: And that's where we've done a big disservice in the
Speaker 1: over medicalization of birth. Right. Birth is not a medical event,
Speaker 1: and doctors and opis and hospitals are fantastic at dealing
Speaker 1: with emergencies, and thank god we have them right, But overall,
Speaker 1: we have kind of swung this pendulum for the past
Speaker 1: really a hundred years almost two, taking away from this
Speaker 1: physiological process and over medicalizing it. And we're learning now
Speaker 1: through research and also, as you're saying, right, people who
Speaker 1: are working through trauma that's starting from day one, is
Speaker 1: that the more we can protect this environment, and that
Speaker 1: means home, hospital, wherever you are, and support a gentle
Speaker 1: birth for the mother, but also for the baby. Right
Speaker 1: being born into dim lights, being born into hearing your
Speaker 1: parents voice first, right right or two own skin to
Speaker 1: skin with your parents, having that time to adjust to
Speaker 1: the outside world, which is big, right. Yes, it's going
Speaker 1: to be traumatic at a certain point to just be
Speaker 1: human and and function in our our world today, but
Speaker 1: protecting that space is so important for establishing healthy breastfeeding.
Speaker 1: And then, like you say, I think it's something that
Speaker 1: we store in our memory for years. Right. The way
Speaker 1: that we perceived the world has a lot to do
Speaker 1: with our first moments in it. I'm biased, but I
Speaker 1: do think that having a doula is a wonderful way
Speaker 1: to prepare for this process. You can find Dulah's through
Speaker 1: word of mouth, Instagram, asking around yoga teachers in your
Speaker 1: community acupuncturist. I think more and more everybody is learning
Speaker 1: about the benefits that are actually evidence space of having
Speaker 1: a dula. You can find me online at Carson dash
Speaker 1: Meyer dot com and I teach childbirth education classes online
Speaker 1: and also have a wonderful community of other recommendations, and
Speaker 1: I'm happy to send your way. Well, that was very
Speaker 1: well said. Thank you Carson. Thanks for your time today.
Speaker 1: It's lovely to see your face as always, and you
Speaker 1: know what your background looks to me like somewhere I
Speaker 1: want to be, so just pretend I'm there with you. Okay,
Speaker 1: Oh I love this. This is great. I mean, who
Speaker 1: knew I would ever spend as much time talking about childbirth.
Speaker 1: Now she's going to become a duel. Oh my god,
Speaker 1: what if I become a duel? Like can you imagine
Speaker 1: if you got bad to have birth and I'm by
Speaker 1: your side. Well, let me tell you. You know what
Speaker 1: helps oxytocin flow is laughter? Yeah, axy tie, you know
Speaker 1: what helps laughter? Well, we'll talk about that later. I
Speaker 1: love you, Carson, Thank you so much. And yeah, please
Speaker 1: reach out to Carson for all of those of you
Speaker 1: out there in this area that are looking for someone
Speaker 1: qualified to teach you about all this stuff. It sounds
Speaker 1: like we found our girl and get support. Don't be
Speaker 1: afraid to ask for help. Yeah, definitely, Thank you by Carson. Well,
Speaker 1: that was just delightful. I mean that was delightful. That
Speaker 1: was the first time that I have paid attention to
Speaker 1: a conversation about child birth that intricate I. Usually it's
Speaker 1: almost like math. When people get too into the weeds
Speaker 1: about childbirth or financial numbers, I tune out, and then
Speaker 1: I need to take it edible. Well, she gave a
Speaker 1: great explanation. It still doesn't make it seem like it's
Speaker 1: going to be great. But if you can get that
Speaker 1: set up to make it a little bit more enjoyable,
Speaker 1: I mean more power to you. I'm glad that we
Speaker 1: don't have a baby. Yes, you will never have a baby.
Speaker 1: Oh my god, I need to be more enthusiastic for
Speaker 1: people who are having I feel like I'm such an asshole,
Speaker 1: but I see you don't have a baby. I see
Speaker 1: people who are pregnant, and I just think, why, why,
Speaker 1: why would you do that? When we were traveling, when
Speaker 1: we were at the airport, that's what Levi had said.
Speaker 1: He just looked at me, goes, aren't you so fucking
Speaker 1: glad we don't have to worry about a car seat
Speaker 1: or a stroller. And you're any of that ship while
Speaker 1: you're fires are cheer Rio's fucking everywhere driving around in
Speaker 1: a smelly minivan that has fucking food stuck in yogurt
Speaker 1: squirts and yogurts, those yogurt fucking squirt things. My sister's
Speaker 1: cars give me so much anxiety. No one's going to
Speaker 1: have to get in them, and then when I'm in them,
Speaker 1: just I want to wipe everything. I know. I know
Speaker 1: I have the same thing my sisters now, my sister Simone,
Speaker 1: whose kids are older, so her car is a completely
Speaker 1: different situation than it used to be when they were
Speaker 1: growing up. I mean, it was so gross. I remember
Speaker 1: when I moved to l A. I lived with my
Speaker 1: aunt Gabby and uncle Terry on Beverly glenn And Boulevard,
Speaker 1: and they had nine children, and I had to take
Speaker 1: all nine children to school every day in a minivan,
Speaker 1: and I listened to Howard Stern to watch that show
Speaker 1: Actually you as a bus driver, I was such a count.
Speaker 1: I would fucking scream and yell at them. But I
Speaker 1: would also take them to Disneyland and go to Magic
Speaker 1: Mountain if one of them didn't want to go to school.
Speaker 1: So I was good sometimes, but I basically just had
Speaker 1: to earn my keep at my aunt's house and my responsibility, yeah,
Speaker 1: it was to take them to school every day, and
Speaker 1: I just I fucking hated it. I hated the smell
Speaker 1: of that van so much. It's like diapers, yogurt and
Speaker 1: cheerios stuck everywhere. Everything's tacky. Well, tacky isn't the right
Speaker 1: word for me, Like the every like car seats have
Speaker 1: TACKI TACKI like sticky or TACKI isn't taste both? Well, No,
Speaker 1: it's not feeling, because you can't have taste when you're
Speaker 1: doing that, when you're running around with fucking children. It's
Speaker 1: not like you have time to be like, oh, I'm
Speaker 1: gonna this is stylish. You know what else I'm never
Speaker 1: gonna do is fucking share a hamburger with a child.
Speaker 1: Have you ever seen that? Like parents who eat things
Speaker 1: that their children have left there? Yeah, chicken nuggets. That's
Speaker 1: the only reason I would have kids, so that I
Speaker 1: could have all the chicken nuggets. Not after they slob no, No,
Speaker 1: but I will chicken a stricter threshold of what they
Speaker 1: will allow. I had a friend who's going through a
Speaker 1: really difficult thing because her daughter is sexually active, and
Speaker 1: my friend is like freaking out about it, and her
Speaker 1: daughter is younger than she would hope to be is
Speaker 1: actually active, but she's having responsible sex. But it was
Speaker 1: I talked to her this morning and she was a
Speaker 1: hot mess about it, and I didn't. I just you
Speaker 1: have a baby, and you have your little pal, and
Speaker 1: they look up to you and they love you, and
Speaker 1: they're devoted to you, and they hang on your every word,
Speaker 1: and then they fucking turn on you. You know, they
Speaker 1: become adolescents, and I know it's part of them individuating
Speaker 1: and they have to develop their own identity. But it's
Speaker 1: really hard to see a mom go through that. What
Speaker 1: is their communication like regarding this new I think the
Speaker 1: communication could be better, and we talked about that this morning,
Speaker 1: and yeah, she just has to handle She has to
Speaker 1: create some more boundaries because she didn't and so things
Speaker 1: have gotten a little bit out of control and she
Speaker 1: just needs to instill those boundaries a little bit more,
Speaker 1: kind of like having the kid over and then being
Speaker 1: sexual in the house. She doesn't have to allow that,
Speaker 1: but it's gotten a little too carried away. And do
Speaker 1: you think you would handle that as a parent? I
Speaker 1: feel like there has to be a certain level of
Speaker 1: acceptance that a parent must have because there's no undoing it.
Speaker 1: Once this has happened. Once the road is open, there's
Speaker 1: no turning back. Once you start getting sex, you're gonna
Speaker 1: want more of it. If it's the right kind of sex,
Speaker 1: and with somebody that cares about you, you're gonna want
Speaker 1: more of it. But I don't know how I would
Speaker 1: handle it. But I I'm trying to What advice did
Speaker 1: you give her? I said, you know, you have to
Speaker 1: create boundaries where there are none. You know, you can't
Speaker 1: take it back. She's not going to stop having sex.
Speaker 1: She's being responsible, she's not sick, she's not dying. It's
Speaker 1: not the end of the world. You have to look
Speaker 1: at the macro instead of the micro. No one wants
Speaker 1: to hear about their child becoming sexually active. No one.
Speaker 1: No one wants to hear about that. And I get that.
Speaker 1: I don't. I was having sex when I was fourteen
Speaker 1: years old. We also have to remove the shame from
Speaker 1: sex and the way that people have sex where it
Speaker 1: has to be so quiet and hidden. Well, if you're
Speaker 1: in your parents house, it shouldn't be andoous, but even
Speaker 1: in conversation, the acknowledging it and the acceptance of it,
Speaker 1: and the education component of being able to have those
Speaker 1: conversations where what you're doing is not wrong. There's an
Speaker 1: appropriate way to have sex and to communicate about that
Speaker 1: with your partner, with your family. But acting as if
Speaker 1: it's not happening, that doesn't really be no. And I
Speaker 1: think sometimes people they don't want to say the thing
Speaker 1: that's going to push the kid away, so they kind
Speaker 1: of ignore it, and then it comes back to bite
Speaker 1: them in the ass because the boundaries haven't been created.
Speaker 1: So the kid keeps pushing and pushing until the parents says, hey, hey,
Speaker 1: this is not acceptable. Like she has no right to
Speaker 1: say you can't have sex anymore because that's not going
Speaker 1: to work, But she has every right to say, this
Speaker 1: is my house and these are the rules and you
Speaker 1: have to follow them. Yeah, I mean that seems appropriate.
Speaker 1: Don't have sex on the kitchen counter. Well, nobody's having
Speaker 1: sex on the kitchen counter yet. I don't ever want
Speaker 1: to have sex on a kitchen counter if I ever
Speaker 1: have sex again. I mean, the way things are going,
Speaker 1: men are just so repulsive. To give us all an update,
Speaker 1: what has been going on? Anyone know? I've been writing
Speaker 1: stand up material. I've been focused on my stand up.
Speaker 1: That's what I'm fucking focused on I'm not focused on
Speaker 1: trying to get penetration. Well, we have to wait till
Speaker 1: this probation time for men is over and when they
Speaker 1: proved to us that they're done sexually assaulting everybody. Because
Speaker 1: not all men are bad, but there are enough bad
Speaker 1: ones that we need to focus on making sure that
Speaker 1: you guys all step it up a notch. What's next?
Speaker 1: We don't Our next submission comes from Kelsey. She's Kelsey
Speaker 1: us with Chelsea out of Nashville. She writes, Dear Chelsea,
Speaker 1: for basically my entire life, I've only received mediocre dick.
Speaker 1: I still come, but only to move the process along
Speaker 1: a bit quicker. How do I manifest good dick without
Speaker 1: subjecting myself to being in a porn film? How can
Speaker 1: I know if a guy is good in bed before
Speaker 1: sleeping with him. I don't want to waste any more
Speaker 1: of my time. Well that's unfortunate. I'm sorry to hear that, Kelsey. Well,
Speaker 1: it is depressing, but that's depressing outlook even I don't
Speaker 1: have that outlook like mediocre dick. First of all, you
Speaker 1: can't find out how somebody is in bed until you
Speaker 1: have sex with them, So they're not going to represent.
Speaker 1: It's not like you can ask somebody are you good
Speaker 1: in bed? And they're going to tell you. They're all
Speaker 1: going to say yes, and the ones that are going
Speaker 1: to say no, you don't want to have sex. It's
Speaker 1: just this is maybe they're setting reasonable expectations and you
Speaker 1: should have sex with them, because at least they're not
Speaker 1: overselling it. I personally believe having sex with someone is
Speaker 1: a great introduction to find out if there's anything more
Speaker 1: worth talking about. I think sex should come first because
Speaker 1: I need to know your body and if we have
Speaker 1: chemistry and if all of the stuff is working together,
Speaker 1: and then I can decide if I want to date you.
Speaker 1: So it's a little backwards for me because I need
Speaker 1: to know that that's going to be like a good
Speaker 1: portion of the relationship and that that's going to be
Speaker 1: where the fun is. Getting to know somebody sexually sounds
Speaker 1: so boring. Okay, So I'm I'm obviously not a woman,
Speaker 1: not yet anyway, and I would say reading this that
Speaker 1: she should be more vocal in what she does or
Speaker 1: does not like with this part. But but do women
Speaker 1: feel comfortable in that saying so, say you were meeting
Speaker 1: up with someone for you know it was a riot date.
Speaker 1: He came over to have sex. Would you be comfortable
Speaker 1: in that initial and to actually to tell him like, hey, no,
Speaker 1: I'm not into this, or hey do this right? Right? Right? Yeah.
Speaker 1: I think that's a great question because this has come
Speaker 1: up before. I was talking to Ben Bruno, my trainer
Speaker 1: got Dynamo. I was talking to him about, you know,
Speaker 1: women faking orgasms because I said, you know, we fake
Speaker 1: orgasms all the time, and you guys just like either
Speaker 1: don't care or don't know. And he's like, we know,
Speaker 1: And I go, well, then you don't care and you
Speaker 1: guys are coming and yet we're fake, Like you can't
Speaker 1: fake an orgasm? How's our guys supposed to fake coming?
Speaker 1: And he was like, yeah, but we know when you're
Speaker 1: doing it. I go, but if you know when we're
Speaker 1: doing it, why are you accepting of that right? Why
Speaker 1: would you not fulfill us? And on that note, I
Speaker 1: have had a hard time sometimes being vocal with a
Speaker 1: guy in bed about what I like, like I will
Speaker 1: fake an orgasm before I have one to get it
Speaker 1: over with. I will do that. I have done it,
Speaker 1: every woman probably has. And for me to be really
Speaker 1: comfortable with somebody in bed. I have to know them,
Speaker 1: you know. So I'm not going to have an orgasm
Speaker 1: the first time. I mean, it'd be great if I did,
Speaker 1: but it's unlikely and I don't have my hopes up
Speaker 1: at this point. Well, for someone who is vocal as
Speaker 1: you are with what you want and need in other aspects,
Speaker 1: why would you not feel comfortable doing that in the
Speaker 1: first interaction, Like women need to take that power in
Speaker 1: their voice back if they're not enjoying sex. And again,
Speaker 1: I'm not a woman, so it's I understand that I
Speaker 1: will never know this positioning, but you need to say, like, hey,
Speaker 1: I'm actually not into this, or I'm I'd actually like
Speaker 1: to wrap this up, like I'm not enjoying myself. You
Speaker 1: shouldn't have to just lie there and take it. Well,
Speaker 1: it's years and years of conditioning where we think that,
Speaker 1: you know, like even someone like me, who you would
Speaker 1: argue as wrong minded and strong wills, it's like, no,
Speaker 1: it's hard to say, listen, if if I don't like something,
Speaker 1: I have no problem saying that, But I have a
Speaker 1: problem asking for what I want from someone unless I
Speaker 1: know them, you know, Like I don't want a stranger
Speaker 1: to go down on me, I'd rather have sex with them,
Speaker 1: you know what I mean. If I'm meeting somebody and
Speaker 1: I'm hooking up, that's too intimate for me. I want
Speaker 1: to do that other stuff with somebody when I care
Speaker 1: about them and when I'm into them. So when you
Speaker 1: created that kind of space and you have chemistry and
Speaker 1: then there's intimacy, you know, there can't be intimacy right away.
Speaker 1: So I like sex more in the beginning, and then
Speaker 1: when you get to know somebody, you can get into
Speaker 1: other things because that is more intimate in my opinion,
Speaker 1: but women have It's not our fault that we don't
Speaker 1: stand up for ourselves more and that we aren't more vocal,
Speaker 1: but we should all practice doing that, you know, I
Speaker 1: think that that's the advice for its Just stand strong
Speaker 1: in your voice and what you want sexually. You can
Speaker 1: set that expectation up front if you if you know
Speaker 1: there are things that will or will not turn you on,
Speaker 1: or things you do or do not like, you shouldn't
Speaker 1: have to worry about relaying that information now and what
Speaker 1: you say on your clothing line Kelsey saying, I just
Speaker 1: don't want to waste my time anymore. It feels like
Speaker 1: that's a sentence that says you're at the end of
Speaker 1: your rope and you're at the point where you can
Speaker 1: say right away, this is what I'm into, and you
Speaker 1: know what, do it for every fucking woman in your
Speaker 1: life that you care about, because when you stand up
Speaker 1: for yourself, you're standing up for all women. Problem solved,
Speaker 1: Ding ding ding the next one. It's always hard for
Speaker 1: me to give my thoughts on these very female focused submissions,
Speaker 1: but it's that's okay, that's what I'm here for, sweetheart,
Speaker 1: I'm a female. It's hard when I hear women who
Speaker 1: feel like they just can't um you can't come certainly,
Speaker 1: but can't vocalize what they're w y, their their needs.
Speaker 1: It's not even a once like hey, like I need
Speaker 1: this to be able to be aroused. Like like, guys
Speaker 1: are just so self centered, they're so self service, but
Speaker 1: they're not. You know, some guys are really not like that.
Speaker 1: Some guys are very giving and as soon as you
Speaker 1: tell them, they all do what you tell them to do.
Speaker 1: Like yeah, you know, I mean if I've become intimate
Speaker 1: or if I'm dating somebody after a few times, no problem,
Speaker 1: no problem saying hey, do this, do that, but right
Speaker 1: off the bat, it's like, I don't know. It's just
Speaker 1: like a guy saying, hey, like I don't want him
Speaker 1: telling me what to do either. You know, that's kind
Speaker 1: of what chemistry is, being able to feel each other
Speaker 1: out and wanting to please each other. Have you had
Speaker 1: like a sexual sleep or cell where it wasn't good
Speaker 1: the first couple of times and then you're like, oh,
Speaker 1: I don't think I want to do this again. You
Speaker 1: do it again and then it became good or maybe
Speaker 1: like you had gotten to know them better. So you're
Speaker 1: because you're saying that basically, the sex for you upfront
Speaker 1: is how you're going to know if there's any any
Speaker 1: reason to continue that relationship. But has that ever happened
Speaker 1: where that wasn't the case? Like you you made the mistake.
Speaker 1: I'm sure. I'm sure there's been. Yeah, but it came background.
Speaker 1: You're like, oh, I'm glad that I love this go
Speaker 1: a little longer. Yeah, I think because people are need
Speaker 1: to get comfortable with each other. People need to find
Speaker 1: a comfort level. So obviously it gets better the more
Speaker 1: you get to know somebody. Like I used to have
Speaker 1: this guy in my twenties that I would call and
Speaker 1: hook up with when I was drunk at night and
Speaker 1: I go to his house and he'd called me and
Speaker 1: we had crazy, crazy, fun sex, but we had nothing
Speaker 1: in common. We never hung out sober. We tried to
Speaker 1: one night and it was awful and awkward. Like that
Speaker 1: was just a sexual relationship and that's all it was.
Speaker 1: But when you combine the two and you want to
Speaker 1: have like I mean, I do just kind of want sex,
Speaker 1: you know, at this point, but I'm also like looking
Speaker 1: for people that I can spend time with along with
Speaker 1: the sex. Along with the sex, that would be a bonus.
Speaker 1: I mean, it's not a given that that's going to happen,
Speaker 1: but wanting to hang out with somebody helps you become
Speaker 1: very attractive. So what I like about what you're saying
Speaker 1: is that you want the not romantic aspect, but the
Speaker 1: more the more intimate I guess, the lounging and the
Speaker 1: cuddling to some degree, But after sex, you're also fully
Speaker 1: on board with them leaving you're like, yes, I don't
Speaker 1: like you don't need to say yeah, I don't need
Speaker 1: that in my life right out. That's for somebody that
Speaker 1: you know, you have a real connection with and on
Speaker 1: special occasions. I'm just way too independent and I'm I
Speaker 1: like the way that I sleep with Bert in my arms.
Speaker 1: You know what would happen to Bert if someone came
Speaker 1: in like birt to me? Like falling asleep with bird
Speaker 1: in my arms, with his body and his weight against
Speaker 1: my chest and his breath on my face is the
Speaker 1: happiest that I could ever be. Can you imagine that
Speaker 1: body being squeezed between you? And Bert doesn't like men
Speaker 1: in that way, and that's lame. I don't want to say, like, oh,
Speaker 1: I don't I like my dog better than men? But
Speaker 1: I do. Well serves a different purpose. I know it's
Speaker 1: too bad Burt and I can't just have sex, but
Speaker 1: I can't do that either. And he's a virgin, hopefully,
Speaker 1: and I want to keep him that way because I'm
Speaker 1: an overprotective helicopter parent. Well, now we know how you
Speaker 1: would parent. There would be no sex in your house.
Speaker 1: That's our next mission comes from Claire. She's in her
Speaker 1: thirties from Utah. I love when people right in from Utah.
Speaker 1: That's like your sweet spot, Utah. I love you, I
Speaker 1: love I hope their Mormon. She writes, Dear Chelsea, I've
Speaker 1: been with my husband for fourteen years, Mary twelve. We
Speaker 1: have two children. Our marriage is beautiful and something that
Speaker 1: has never been easy, but I definitely appreciate all the
Speaker 1: opportunities to learn and grow. That is a very healthy
Speaker 1: outlook on our relationship. Wait say that part again. Our
Speaker 1: marriage is beautiful and something that has never been easy,
Speaker 1: but I definitely appreciate all the opportunities to learn and grow.
Speaker 1: What a stance. Yeah, people don't set you up for
Speaker 1: that sort of mentality when you're little, so that's nice.
Speaker 1: My husband and I have always been extremely sexual. We
Speaker 1: have sex often, and I personally feel like we have
Speaker 1: more sex than anyone I know. He still turns me
Speaker 1: on and knows exactly what he is doing. I feel
Speaker 1: like he would say the same. The problem is he
Speaker 1: thinks I control our sex life because sometimes I'm too
Speaker 1: tired or just want to go to bed. So because
Speaker 1: I say I'm not into it one time out of
Speaker 1: five nights in a row, he feels like I have control.
Speaker 1: He'll be upset enough that it will ruin our entire
Speaker 1: next day. What's the best way to tell him not
Speaker 1: tonight without offending him? Okay, these are all good questions,
Speaker 1: and she on the phone. She on a zoom. Oh great,
Speaker 1: Hi Claire. Hello, Hi, nice to meet you. Nice to
Speaker 1: meet you. You both are beautiful, so are you? Are you?
Speaker 1: Thank you? Thank you? Well, this is a circle jerk. Basically,
Speaker 1: this is one big circle jerk. I love what you're
Speaker 1: saying about the complexities of your relationship and just kind
Speaker 1: of accepting all the pain points and knowing that you
Speaker 1: can redirect those into growth. So that's a really nice
Speaker 1: outlook on relationships. That's refreshing. Yeah. I mean, the best
Speaker 1: way is to be positive about it, and I think
Speaker 1: talking about it it's very taboo from my perspective. But
Speaker 1: can I ask, because you're from Utah, are you or
Speaker 1: were you Mormon? I was Mormon. Yeah, okay, well that's
Speaker 1: your personal decision. Let's talk about your sex life. So
Speaker 1: how often do you guys have sex? I would say
Speaker 1: out of the seven days, about five to six times.
Speaker 1: Maybe it's kind of hard because we always have the
Speaker 1: planet for nighttime, so but yeah, it's tiring. It's so
Speaker 1: it's so hard. No, I know, the kids and how
Speaker 1: how old are you kids? Or and eight? Yeah, that
Speaker 1: is really tiring. Okay, So no, I know, listen and
Speaker 1: let me just tell you right now, Claire, that is
Speaker 1: a lot. I don't know anyone who's having sex that often,
Speaker 1: anyone that's married, no way. My girlfriends and I ask
Speaker 1: all of them, on average, they have sex with their husband,
Speaker 1: especially when there are small children, once a week. Some
Speaker 1: people are like, oh, yeah, twice a week, but not
Speaker 1: most people. Most people are like, oh funk, I try
Speaker 1: and throw them a bone on Sundays, you know. Or
Speaker 1: my friends are like, oh, you know, I'll try. I mean,
Speaker 1: half of them fake going to sleep early, and some
Speaker 1: of them don't have to fake it because they're exhausted.
Speaker 1: But even my friends who are really into their husbands
Speaker 1: are not having sex more than twice a week. And
Speaker 1: I like, full penetration sex is this fooling around, Like
Speaker 1: what how how are you classifying sex? It's like full on,
Speaker 1: full on sex sometimes if it's that time of the month.
Speaker 1: I mean, people do that, that's great. I don't. It
Speaker 1: doesn't bother me, but like it will just be sometimes
Speaker 1: like a blow job and then he'll get me off
Speaker 1: or whatever. It's never like just one side of it.
Speaker 1: But my husband and I did not have sex after
Speaker 1: my son was born because of postpartum depression. And all
Speaker 1: of that. So but before kids, it was like that,
Speaker 1: but that was back a long time ago, So I
Speaker 1: don't know. And when you say you kind of deny
Speaker 1: your husband or you're not in the mood or whatever, like,
Speaker 1: how does that go down? What happens? I don't know.
Speaker 1: It sounds kind of weird because we're older, but or like,
Speaker 1: I'm in my thirties, but I'm like texting him. I'll
Speaker 1: text him and say, you know, I'm just I'm really tired.
Speaker 1: Can we, you know, do it tomorrow or whatever? Just
Speaker 1: because of the day or I've had about day. Can
Speaker 1: we can we do it tomorrow? And then he'll he'll
Speaker 1: either like text back and um, he'll say sure or
Speaker 1: like a one word a dancer or whatever because he's
Speaker 1: not he's not happy, and then he'll just go straight
Speaker 1: to bed and be mad. You can just tell that
Speaker 1: he's upset. Thing, Yeah, his egos is hurting. And are
Speaker 1: most of your interactions are they I understand with kids
Speaker 1: that there does have to be some sort of planning,
Speaker 1: but are any of these spontaneous? If you're texting to
Speaker 1: kind of set up or set the expectation that's not
Speaker 1: happening tonight, It seems like it's very structured. Yes, very
Speaker 1: it has to be structured. So and is that just
Speaker 1: because of the kids. Yeah, yeah, because I feel like
Speaker 1: kids are always around, and so I don't want to
Speaker 1: like just say it out loud, like hey, you want
Speaker 1: to you wanna go bone? You know, I don't know,
Speaker 1: it's just weird. And so we'll we'll text a lot
Speaker 1: of the time, and so it is planned out, and
Speaker 1: he he has shownrustration with that just because he's like,
Speaker 1: I want it spontaneous, and you know, every once in
Speaker 1: a while we'll do that, but it's very very rare.
Speaker 1: It's always planned and I don't like it either, but
Speaker 1: I don't I don't know what else to do. Yeah.
Speaker 1: I think the first thing is that you you need
Speaker 1: to communicate directly. Texting is not not You're married, so
Speaker 1: you don't need to be texting him about sex. And
Speaker 1: I think he might bear the bad news of not
Speaker 1: getting laid every single night a little bit better when
Speaker 1: you're holding his hand and just kind of treating him
Speaker 1: like a baby, because that's how he's acting. He shouldn't
Speaker 1: be mad that you don't want to have sex with him,
Speaker 1: but he's obviously his ego is bruised, and that's all
Speaker 1: he's able to focus on. So you kind of have
Speaker 1: to treat him with kid gloves around this issue, you know,
Speaker 1: and you kind of have to cajole him into understanding
Speaker 1: that's not the right word, but hold his hand and
Speaker 1: understanding like this is there's no loss of love, there's
Speaker 1: This doesn't mean you're not attracted to him. It's totally
Speaker 1: understandable that you have a feign an eight year old.
Speaker 1: And if you can say these things while you're holding
Speaker 1: his hand, or while you give him a kiss or
Speaker 1: you're hugging him, I think it will have a much
Speaker 1: different impact than you're texting him that you're not in
Speaker 1: the mood. Yeah, I do. You are completely right. Texting
Speaker 1: is just a very sterile response to a very intimate act.
Speaker 1: So if if that's the way you're communicating this, it
Speaker 1: could seem not that you are disregarding it, but maybe
Speaker 1: that you are not as interested in the intimacy aspect
Speaker 1: of the act. And so even by having like some
Speaker 1: some silent cues, you know, little things that after this
Speaker 1: long tether, you guys should be able to read one
Speaker 1: another where you can give him a look or some
Speaker 1: sort of signal. Everything is through the phone now, so
Speaker 1: even being able to look at him across the room
Speaker 1: so he knows like, oh, she's interested. I think would
Speaker 1: do you guys a great service because again, it just
Speaker 1: kind of forces communication in a different way that then
Speaker 1: maybe it does feel more spontaneous again, even if it's
Speaker 1: you know, you have certain windows of opportunity where it's
Speaker 1: not as struck shirt and set up like an appointment
Speaker 1: might help. Yeah, I think I think there's probably room
Speaker 1: for spontaneity in your life, even though you do have
Speaker 1: a four and an eight year old, right, I mean,
Speaker 1: does the eight year old have play dates? Do they?
Speaker 1: Are they ever out of the house? Yeah? Usually, Like
Speaker 1: everybody has been going through this, but COVID has made
Speaker 1: it really difficult because he is he's a he stays
Speaker 1: at home and works and then I'm now working from
Speaker 1: home and so we're always together. But now they're you know,
Speaker 1: things are going back to normal, so we're able to
Speaker 1: be alone every now and then. So and you do
Speaker 1: like having sex with your husband when you do, right, Okay,
Speaker 1: that's good to know because you're not a sex slave.
Speaker 1: He can't treat you like that. You're not obligated to
Speaker 1: have sex with him every single night. But I don't
Speaker 1: think that he deserves any sort of ire or anger
Speaker 1: because he's clearly operating out of ego and he just
Speaker 1: has his he he feelings hurt. You know, that's it
Speaker 1: sounds like. But you know, she also said something interesting
Speaker 1: earlier that if the option is not available for penetration,
Speaker 1: that if there's another sort of sexual act, that he
Speaker 1: takes care of her. And this is something we actually
Speaker 1: have just spoken about, Claire, that there needs to be
Speaker 1: an equitable exchange with men and women to make a
Speaker 1: man needs to make sure that the woman also feels
Speaker 1: fulfilled sexually. So it seems like your husband is doing that,
Speaker 1: that that's a priority to him. If if sex is
Speaker 1: not an option and you know there's oral sex and available,
Speaker 1: that he does take care of you, So it seems
Speaker 1: like he wants to make sure that you feel good
Speaker 1: in that act as well. Right, Oh yeah, yeah, um.
Speaker 1: And that also I think over time just being married,
Speaker 1: we've learned a lot because at the first of our
Speaker 1: relationship that's not how it was, but we've definitely talked
Speaker 1: and communicated and it's you know, it's not fair for
Speaker 1: one just to do and I know that a lot
Speaker 1: of women go through that where they are just like,
Speaker 1: you know, yes, and then a guy just like goes
Speaker 1: and you know, just I just don't like. Well, I
Speaker 1: think if you can, I think if you've been able
Speaker 1: to talk through those things, this should be an easy
Speaker 1: conversation ation to have because you need to vocalize. And again,
Speaker 1: this is something I have all sisters and I talked
Speaker 1: about this a lot. Is women need to stand like
Speaker 1: in their power and have a voice and they need
Speaker 1: to be heard. So if that means you need to
Speaker 1: have a sit down with him like, hey, I'm feeling
Speaker 1: like a utility to you when I'm not in the
Speaker 1: mood for sex, like I do also have to be
Speaker 1: in the mood for this where partners in this. If
Speaker 1: I'm not in the mood like, I don't need you
Speaker 1: getting upset or taking it personally like sometimes it is
Speaker 1: about me, it is not about you. And if you've
Speaker 1: been able to communicate all these other things, and for
Speaker 1: a lot of people like that's the hardest thing is
Speaker 1: communicating what you are into sexually or not into. So
Speaker 1: just positioning it to him in person that hey, like
Speaker 1: this is how you're making me feel like I want
Speaker 1: sex to make us feel this way. I don't want
Speaker 1: it to feel like a burden. And if I'm not
Speaker 1: ready for it or in the mood for it, I
Speaker 1: don't want to feel like there's always going to be
Speaker 1: negative repercussion. Yeah, because that's really unfair of him to
Speaker 1: be in a bad mood the whole next day. You're
Speaker 1: a mother, you have two children. It's a lot different
Speaker 1: being a mother than it is being a father, and
Speaker 1: you know, maybe he needs to understand that a little
Speaker 1: bit more too. That might be something you want to communicate.
Speaker 1: It's a lot more trying on women than it is
Speaker 1: on men to be a mother. There's a maternal thing
Speaker 1: going on that they don't even know about, So that's exhausting.
Speaker 1: You know, every care or every worry that your child
Speaker 1: experiences is yours because of their maternal instinct, and men
Speaker 1: don't seem to understand that. So it's a lot to ask,
Speaker 1: you know, six nights a week, but you're you're definitely
Speaker 1: doing it way more than the average person. I'm sure
Speaker 1: there's a lot of exceptions out there, but you're doing
Speaker 1: it way more than the average couple. From I, I
Speaker 1: have tons of girlfriends and we talked about this ship
Speaker 1: all the time, so you're definitely sexually active enough for
Speaker 1: him to be pleased. I mean, having sex more than
Speaker 1: once a week is a gift for any married man
Speaker 1: with small children. Okay, do you feel like you have
Speaker 1: the conversation set up in your head? Oh? Yeah, it's
Speaker 1: he's a capgorn and I'm an aries and so I'm
Speaker 1: very outspoken and you know, like it doesn't bother me
Speaker 1: to talk about it, but it's more of like the
Speaker 1: private you know, he doesn't want to. I don't know,
Speaker 1: he has a hard time just even announcing that he
Speaker 1: does anything Like this whole thing even is like hard
Speaker 1: for him because he just doesn't like it to be
Speaker 1: talked about. And I'm like, I talk about it, you know,
Speaker 1: I've talked about with my friends before, and it's just,
Speaker 1: I don't know, not easier for me. So I know
Speaker 1: I can talk to him about it. And maybe you know,
Speaker 1: we were talking about doing therapy for a marriage anyways,
Speaker 1: just because it would help drastically in anybody's marriage. So
Speaker 1: I think that will probably be our next step. I
Speaker 1: just wanted to do there are people for and then
Speaker 1: do marriage, So I done that. Now marriage is the
Speaker 1: next part. Yeah, if you can afford counseling, then you
Speaker 1: should definitely do that. Therapy is never going to be
Speaker 1: a bad move, you know, even if you find you know,
Speaker 1: if it takes a couple of therapists, you get the
Speaker 1: right one like that is a great investment into your
Speaker 1: marriage and into your future. So definitely do at. And also,
Speaker 1: you know, with men, when you're saying he doesn't like
Speaker 1: to express himself in that way or discuss these kinds
Speaker 1: of you know, maybe taboo things, he thinks of them
Speaker 1: as taboo. You know. Really physical touch while you're having
Speaker 1: those conversations has a big impact on people like that,
Speaker 1: so that they're constantly being reassured. You know, you kind
Speaker 1: of maybe have to look at it. I know, you
Speaker 1: don't want to think of him as your child, because
Speaker 1: that's not hot at all, But men can act like that,
Speaker 1: you know, and they needed sometimes to be treated like
Speaker 1: little kids because for all the reasons that, yeah, they
Speaker 1: have that temperament. So as loving as you can be
Speaker 1: while you're giving him the news that you're not up
Speaker 1: for it every night, and that it would be a
Speaker 1: lot easier on you if you didn't have to deal
Speaker 1: with him sulking about it. You know, that's taking away
Speaker 1: from your parenting, that's taking away from your work, and
Speaker 1: that's taking away from your marriage. Clara. I also want
Speaker 1: to give you one other thing. I just realized, I
Speaker 1: did you just call her Clara Claire. I realized I
Speaker 1: just had this conversation with one of my best friends.
Speaker 1: And something that she did that seemed to be really
Speaker 1: effective was instead of waiting until after the fact, she
Speaker 1: would address it right in that moment about how he
Speaker 1: was making her feel or if he did something that
Speaker 1: she really liked it and and made her feel good in
Speaker 1: terms of like the setup that you know, he was
Speaker 1: rubbing her feet on the couch before they started to
Speaker 1: full around and the kids were in their bedroom, so
Speaker 1: it was again a little bit more spontaneous for a parent,
Speaker 1: like oh my god, we're in the middle of the
Speaker 1: living room, like anyone could walk out. But she got
Speaker 1: in the habit of telling him those things immediately so
Speaker 1: he didn't have to try and reflect back on what
Speaker 1: you were referencing. And it's really helped them so in
Speaker 1: the in the times where she's like, Hey, I've been
Speaker 1: here all day with four kids, like I need to
Speaker 1: get out you're making me feel like I'm not being
Speaker 1: heard or being seen when she would do it right then,
Speaker 1: even though it was a little bit more uncomfortable, he
Speaker 1: really started to internalize that more like, Oh, I now
Speaker 1: I am very aware of how she's feeling in this moment,
Speaker 1: and so he could change his behavior and he has,
Speaker 1: so I maybe give that a try as well as
Speaker 1: don't wait to give him that feedback, tell him like, hey,
Speaker 1: right now, you're making me feel very small that this
Speaker 1: is I'm just being used for this thing, and I
Speaker 1: don't want to feel that way, So like, how can
Speaker 1: we adjust? Yeah, there should be no punitiveness or punitivity,
Speaker 1: punitive punish Yeah, I don't know the right sense of
Speaker 1: what I'm trying to say, but you know it shouldn't
Speaker 1: be punitive, like you denying him sex should not be
Speaker 1: like then you get punished. That's not acceptable, right, you know,
Speaker 1: you are really right. I've not ever thought about it
Speaker 1: in that way, but you nailed it. Because a lot
Speaker 1: of the times, like you said, when you talk about
Speaker 1: something that happened earlier, they're like, I have no idea
Speaker 1: what you're even talking about, Like I don't remember this
Speaker 1: happening or whatever. Are very dense. Men are very dense.
Speaker 1: Another word for that is dumb. Dumb. Yeah, so you
Speaker 1: do have to treat them a little bit differently. I
Speaker 1: love it. I love it because both of you just
Speaker 1: like say it from your heart too. So I love that. Well,
Speaker 1: we want you to thrive, We want you to have
Speaker 1: good things in life and love and happiness and all
Speaker 1: that stuff. So and we would like to know what happened,
Speaker 1: So please keep us posted, report back, and let us
Speaker 1: know how that conversation went. Okay, sounds great. Thanks, Another
Speaker 1: problem solved, Brandon, she was really sweet. I felt at
Speaker 1: the beginning like she was almost slightly depressed, but then
Speaker 1: as she's talked, I just realized she's just lower energy.
Speaker 1: That's her. You know. I think these conversations, even though
Speaker 1: when people want to have them, it's like where to begin.
Speaker 1: I know how I would have them. And with strangers,
Speaker 1: it's very courageous for people. Anyone listening, if you've been
Speaker 1: a caller or going to write in, it's very courageous
Speaker 1: to do that. And now strangers for advice on ship
Speaker 1: we may know nothing about, but it's just important to
Speaker 1: get that conversation started. Like, take value in yourself and
Speaker 1: have the confidence to ask question whatever it is and
Speaker 1: at all. So I just read this book I was
Speaker 1: talking about, you know how the how the first step
Speaker 1: is so important. You know, when you have something ahead
Speaker 1: of you and it feels almost insurmountable, and people vacillate
Speaker 1: about what they're gonna say and when they're going to
Speaker 1: say it, or there what's the thing where you wait
Speaker 1: until the last minute? Um, procrastin, ecrastinate, that's a that's
Speaker 1: the word. I think it's so important to just take
Speaker 1: that first step because all the other steps become easier
Speaker 1: once you take the first one. I'm reading a book
Speaker 1: about that as well. What's your book called. It's called
Speaker 1: Dream First, Details Later. It's by Ellen Marie Bennett, and
Speaker 1: it's basically just about taking the first step that you
Speaker 1: there's no sent in overplanning anything because it's all going
Speaker 1: to be trial and error. You just have to put
Speaker 1: that thought out there, yes, for that act, Yeah, you
Speaker 1: have to put it out there, and and things that
Speaker 1: seem like, oh how am I ever going to get
Speaker 1: this done? It's like you take the first step and
Speaker 1: getting it done. It tends to have a domino effect,
Speaker 1: and you know, once it's in motion, Yeah, once you
Speaker 1: set something in motion, it becomes much easier. So that's
Speaker 1: a good piece of advice for everybody really when they're
Speaker 1: whether it's about sex or anything else. You know. I
Speaker 1: was just starting to write my stand up remember, and
Speaker 1: I was like, I can't sit down and write. I
Speaker 1: can't sit down and write. I can't And just because
Speaker 1: I have a deadline, I just sat down and you know,
Speaker 1: took that first step and then it started to flow.
Speaker 1: So it is about once you made that choice. Yeah,
Speaker 1: it is about the choice that you make. That's exactly right.
Speaker 1: There's actually a really great quote in the book I'm reading,
Speaker 1: whatever has happened to you in life, whatever hardship, whatever pain,
Speaker 1: they pale in comparison to the power you have to
Speaker 1: choose what to do. Now, that's really nice. That was
Speaker 1: from a book it's called Effortless by Greg McEwen. He
Speaker 1: had written that book Essentialism that I really like that. Yeah,
Speaker 1: and I don't like this book as much there it
Speaker 1: feels more business focused. You don't have that since you're
Speaker 1: such a business gal. I know, don't say gal's sweetheart.
Speaker 1: I'm not a gal. I'm a girl or a woman.
Speaker 1: But anyway, yeah, he writes in this there's there's some
Speaker 1: good things in this book. But I just I don't
Speaker 1: know if I can give a full throated endorsement. Well,
Speaker 1: why don't you let us know when you get through it?
Speaker 1: Well I did I finish. Yeah, it looks like it's
Speaker 1: I read it on the plane in the middle. Really No,
Speaker 1: I just I just, oh, I'm earmarked this another great quote.
Speaker 1: When you focus on what you lack, you lose what
Speaker 1: you have. When you focus on what you have, you
Speaker 1: get what you lack. I mean that's pretty basic, but
Speaker 1: I liked it anyway because some people just really need
Speaker 1: a basic reminder and that's easy to remember. Yeah, that's
Speaker 1: the good thing about always switching your thought. Like if
Speaker 1: you have a negative thought and you go, oh, no,
Speaker 1: I got to think of something I'm grateful for that
Speaker 1: habit gets gets easy and and becomes a habit very quickly.
Speaker 1: I speak from experience. So that's a good You know
Speaker 1: you are in control of your destiny in that sense.
Speaker 1: I know a lot of people think that destiny is
Speaker 1: in control of them, but I like to think that
Speaker 1: we have something to say about it. I think it's
Speaker 1: a path that you can dictate, Like there may be
Speaker 1: an over arching theme. But you have people have control. Yeah,
Speaker 1: you do have control over your life, and you also
Speaker 1: have Yeah, it's the power of your conviction and the Yeah,
Speaker 1: we need to empower everybody. Everyone needs to be emboldened
Speaker 1: and empowered to say yes, no, thank you, sir, get
Speaker 1: out of me. Well, and so in this book she
Speaker 1: talks about it in terms of kind of like your
Speaker 1: own personal piggy bank, where when you make a choice
Speaker 1: that makes you uncomfortable, but you do it regardless, you're
Speaker 1: investing yourself. And that's like your com it in spank.
Speaker 1: So every time you do that, doesn't matter how small
Speaker 1: it is, trying something new on the menu that you
Speaker 1: may not necessarily gravitate towards an interaction with someone like
Speaker 1: you are reinvesting that into yourself and building up your
Speaker 1: own confidence. So if you just make that effort on
Speaker 1: a daily basis to make choices that might make you
Speaker 1: a little uncomfortable, when the big one comes, you're going
Speaker 1: to feel able in a way that you may not otherwise,
Speaker 1: just on you know, your daily choices. Yeah, right, you
Speaker 1: feel a little bit more competent when you have a
Speaker 1: pattern of making decisions. Well, I would like to know
Speaker 1: what happens with her, so hopefully clear. Six nights a
Speaker 1: week to have sex is a lot, like I don't
Speaker 1: even want to do that, and I'm single and horny,
Speaker 1: like I don't want to have sex six nights a week.
Speaker 1: That's just un reasonable. I mean, no, wonder it is
Speaker 1: unenjoyable to some degree, Like that's like if you maybe,
Speaker 1: if you're on vacation, maybe maybe, but probably not for me.
Speaker 1: Our next sumission comes from Nancy. She's in her forties.
Speaker 1: She writes, from one big breasted gal to another, what's
Speaker 1: your favorite brand of bra to hold these girls up?
Speaker 1: I don't even to know what kind of bra this is, Brandon,
Speaker 1: Can you see the label? I changed bras all the
Speaker 1: time because I go through phases where I like the
Speaker 1: way certain one looks, and then I liked to minimize
Speaker 1: how do you spell it? And A T O R. I.
Speaker 1: So I like this bra because it keeps my breasts
Speaker 1: up and bouncy, like it's not. I used to wear
Speaker 1: bras that would minimize my boobs so that they look smaller,
Speaker 1: and but they end up cutting you in different weird
Speaker 1: places and then you have little like cleavage coming out
Speaker 1: of your bras. That isn't cute, and then you boobs
Speaker 1: can look pointy. So this is a round bra and
Speaker 1: it's a padded it's not it's got a very thin lining.
Speaker 1: It's not padded because I don't need padding obviously. And yes,
Speaker 1: there's got to be underwire, because yes, I mean we're
Speaker 1: not teenagers. But this is my favorite bra. And then
Speaker 1: do you remember the brand, the one that I sent
Speaker 1: Sarah Silverman A bunch of the brand? Oh, Chantarelle, Chantel.
Speaker 1: I think it's Chantrell. I think our mushrooms. Oh, so
Speaker 1: that's the minimizer bra that I used that makes your
Speaker 1: breasts like more contained, if that's what you're looking for.
Speaker 1: But I'm a thirty four D. I think, Brandon, what
Speaker 1: am I doing? Double D? I don't know. They're big,
Speaker 1: but they're not gargantuan. Yeah, so I hope that helps
Speaker 1: uh be good? I know, brad shopping is such a
Speaker 1: fucking pain in the ask. And the other thing about
Speaker 1: bras is is sometimes you can put on a bra
Speaker 1: and it looks and feels great, and then twenty minutes
Speaker 1: later it looks like you're wearing two pancakes on your chest.
Speaker 1: Once it wears in, you have to test out a
Speaker 1: bra for an entire day to give you those like
Speaker 1: conical breasts. Yeah, you had one of those. I will
Speaker 1: never forget it. You put a dress on and I
Speaker 1: can't remember actually you put it on. You're just like,
Speaker 1: why do my breasts look so cony? Yeah, like forties
Speaker 1: breasts where they used to wear those bras. I didn't
Speaker 1: know it could make that shape. So the bra that
Speaker 1: I used to wear, I did that, but it's like,
Speaker 1: you know what, and then it gives me that under
Speaker 1: armed fat Like this, The best thing to do is
Speaker 1: just to hold your breasts. The bra should just hold
Speaker 1: your breasts and not cut any of your skin off,
Speaker 1: which is hard and that it requires doing a lot
Speaker 1: of bra fittings. But if you go to one of
Speaker 1: those specialty stores, they usually those women they're like bra
Speaker 1: specialty stores usually know what they're talking about. Do your
Speaker 1: favorite sports bra brand? I don't know what my favorite
Speaker 1: sports bra is. I do love wearing sports bras, though,
Speaker 1: because that really keeps everything in check and nice and rounded,
Speaker 1: because then you're I mean, I wear like Nike, Adidas,
Speaker 1: all those and then there's that what's up in Texas
Speaker 1: that I like that girl from Austin Outdoor Voices. They
Speaker 1: have good bras. Well, you did it one time a
Speaker 1: Lulu Lemon because the straps were hardier. Yeah, Lemon always
Speaker 1: has good stuff. Yeah, they have good stuff for it's
Speaker 1: just a matter of like where you carry your fat, right,
Speaker 1: if you carry it under your arms and like side boob,
Speaker 1: all of that is an issue. So you really have
Speaker 1: to like it's curated. Each person needs to like get
Speaker 1: their own bespoke brasitch suation going, I'm so glad I
Speaker 1: don't have boobs. Well, sweetheart, if you keep working out
Speaker 1: at the pace you're working out, you're gonna outpace me.
Speaker 1: Then I can borrow one of your bras. I don't
Speaker 1: know what the bra question had to do with the sex. Oh,
Speaker 1: these are body carts and I should just send her
Speaker 1: a couple of bras. What size is she? Nancy? Nancy.
Speaker 1: We'll get in touch with Nancy. We'll find out and
Speaker 1: we'll send some bra options. Okay, we are going to
Speaker 1: take a break right now, so I can go gas
Speaker 1: up my electric car and see then how it runs.
Speaker 1: I'm a mess right now. I'll tell you what happened recently. Well,
Speaker 1: this weekend, my bell she put a chocolate, you know,
Speaker 1: those little chocolates, which, in my defense, are not wrapped.
Speaker 1: They're all a cart so it's just the chocolate on
Speaker 1: my pillow. And I woke up and there was a
Speaker 1: huge chocolate stain on my pillow because of the chocolate melted.
Speaker 1: And then she yells at me that it's fucking dirty
Speaker 1: in the morning. It's like, bitch and fucking melted. But
Speaker 1: I can't say anything. I just have to take her ship,
Speaker 1: you know. Uh. And I was video messaging with my
Speaker 1: girlfriend and I showed her and she's like, you are
Speaker 1: one of the most disgusting human beings ever. She's like,
Speaker 1: how can you sleep in a bed with chocolate on
Speaker 1: the sheets. I'm like, well, it's on the pillow case
Speaker 1: and I have like four pillows, so who gives a ship?
Speaker 1: I'm just, you know, not a teetotal or like that, sweetheart.
Speaker 1: I had to have a housekeeping when I was on
Speaker 1: my trip, changed the sheets almost daily because I was
Speaker 1: eating in bed and because I go had gone off.
Speaker 1: And on this night specifically, I had woken up with
Speaker 1: the white sheets covered in protein bar I was dipping
Speaker 1: it in almond butter. Oh my god, sweetheart, butter and
Speaker 1: video message. Did you videotape yourself so you could send
Speaker 1: that to your nutritionist? I didn't. I didn't want anyone
Speaker 1: to see that sort of shame. What about LEVI, how
Speaker 1: does he react to that? Oh, he's disgusted by me.
Speaker 1: I mean there are always crumbs in bed, and he's
Speaker 1: constantly he has to do one of like the full
Speaker 1: size floor or limp rollers in bed because there are
Speaker 1: constantly crumbs just in every little cranny. Wow. Sweet, maybe
Speaker 1: we should be sleeping together. That sounds like what it's
Speaker 1: happening in my neck of the one you would have.
Speaker 1: I love a snack in bed. I just love it.
Speaker 1: You know those little blueberry bars that I eat? Those
Speaker 1: like cookies crumb? Oh those are good. What are they called?
Speaker 1: I don't know. They're from Whole Foods. Oh, they're so delicious.
Speaker 1: The fridge. They have chocolate chip ones, they have blueberry ones.
Speaker 1: You keep them in the fridge and then nut. You
Speaker 1: don't like that one, but I do. Oh I haven't
Speaker 1: tried that one. Maybe because you're hoarding them. Probably I
Speaker 1: pop them in the microwave for thirty seconds, though, because
Speaker 1: then it's like a hot treat. I know. You don't
Speaker 1: eat cereal. But that's one of my favorite snacks in bed,
Speaker 1: right before I go to sleep, a fucking big bowl
Speaker 1: of cereal. There is nothing better than going to sleep
Speaker 1: with a full belly. No, it's the best. Okay, So
Speaker 1: what did we learn today? That a lot of bodies,
Speaker 1: a lot of body stuff, a lot of sex. Sex.
Speaker 1: I like talking about sex. I like talking about marital sex.
Speaker 1: I like giving advice on marital sex because I meant,
Speaker 1: well no, and and I like the idea that I
Speaker 1: have anything to say about it. I think, I think
Speaker 1: that's fun. And there you have a problem solved. Okay, Well,
Speaker 1: this was wonderful. Thank you for being with us, and
Speaker 1: we will be back again next week to discuss more
Speaker 1: of your problems and hopefully solve them as a lama
Speaker 1: likeum baby. If you need help with any of your issues,
Speaker 1: you can write into Dear Chelsea Project at gmail dot
Speaker 1: com Again Dear Chelsea Project at gmail dot com. Also,
Speaker 1: I am on tour. My tickets are officially on sale.
Speaker 1: We've added a couple of extra shows. We're going to
Speaker 1: be announcing dates as we go. You can buy tickets
Speaker 1: a ticket master for my shows and tickets are available
Speaker 1: and I can't fucking wait. It's called vaccinated and a horny,
Speaker 1: So make sure that you bring your vaccinations and your
Speaker 1: horny nows and then keep them to yourself, please,