1 00:00:09,920 --> 00:00:13,840 Speaker 1: Hi, guys, and welcome back to the special episode of 2 00:00:13,880 --> 00:00:16,280 Speaker 1: You Need Therapy that we like to call couch Talks 3 00:00:16,360 --> 00:00:19,280 Speaker 1: over here. My name is Kat. I am your host, 4 00:00:19,480 --> 00:00:22,919 Speaker 1: and if you are new then you're like, what is 5 00:00:22,960 --> 00:00:26,160 Speaker 1: couch Talks? It is the special episode bonus every week 6 00:00:26,239 --> 00:00:28,720 Speaker 1: that I put out where I answer questions that you 7 00:00:28,760 --> 00:00:31,880 Speaker 1: guys send in. And if you guys have any questions 8 00:00:32,000 --> 00:00:35,120 Speaker 1: that you would like me to answer, possibly you can 9 00:00:35,159 --> 00:00:38,000 Speaker 1: send the men to Catherine K A T h R 10 00:00:38,200 --> 00:00:42,360 Speaker 1: y N at You Need Therapy podcast dot com and 11 00:00:42,479 --> 00:00:45,080 Speaker 1: hopefully at some point I will get to answer them 12 00:00:45,080 --> 00:00:48,680 Speaker 1: for you. Now, we've been through a couple weeks of 13 00:00:49,240 --> 00:00:51,760 Speaker 1: random couch Talks just because we went through the holidays 14 00:00:51,760 --> 00:00:53,479 Speaker 1: in the New Year and I did some special stuff 15 00:00:53,520 --> 00:00:56,280 Speaker 1: and so we are back to their original content where 16 00:00:56,320 --> 00:00:58,880 Speaker 1: I'm answering your questions. I answered two questions every week, 17 00:00:58,920 --> 00:01:01,080 Speaker 1: and I'm actually really decided to talk about the ones 18 00:01:01,120 --> 00:01:03,640 Speaker 1: that I have today. So I hope you guys had 19 00:01:03,680 --> 00:01:06,240 Speaker 1: a wonderful New Year. I hope you enjoyed the episode 20 00:01:06,240 --> 00:01:09,080 Speaker 1: with Hannah Bruncher, because I mean, isn't she amazing? I 21 00:01:09,120 --> 00:01:11,280 Speaker 1: hope you guys went and got her book and um, 22 00:01:11,400 --> 00:01:13,520 Speaker 1: let's get into the questions. Okay, And again I want 23 00:01:13,520 --> 00:01:16,120 Speaker 1: to remind you guys that I keep all the questions anonymous, 24 00:01:16,400 --> 00:01:19,040 Speaker 1: just because I think that sometimes it's more touchy than 25 00:01:19,080 --> 00:01:21,120 Speaker 1: other times, and so I just made a decision that 26 00:01:21,360 --> 00:01:24,839 Speaker 1: all questions are always anonymous. So this question comes from 27 00:01:25,000 --> 00:01:29,679 Speaker 1: somebody anonymous, and they right. I loved your episode about 28 00:01:29,680 --> 00:01:31,880 Speaker 1: not dieting that you did with Crystal, and I am 29 00:01:31,959 --> 00:01:34,640 Speaker 1: fully on board with what you guys were talking about. 30 00:01:35,080 --> 00:01:37,760 Speaker 1: My question is how do I help friends who I 31 00:01:37,840 --> 00:01:40,640 Speaker 1: see that are still engaging in behaviors that I think 32 00:01:40,640 --> 00:01:42,840 Speaker 1: are harmful. I don't want to be pushy, and I 33 00:01:42,840 --> 00:01:44,760 Speaker 1: don't want to sound like a no at all, but 34 00:01:44,800 --> 00:01:47,720 Speaker 1: I also get really sad and also annoyed when they're 35 00:01:47,760 --> 00:01:50,040 Speaker 1: engaging in all these things that I know aren't good 36 00:01:50,040 --> 00:01:52,400 Speaker 1: for them. Not to mention, it can be pretty triggering 37 00:01:52,480 --> 00:01:54,560 Speaker 1: for me. What should I do? Okay, this is a 38 00:01:54,560 --> 00:01:56,680 Speaker 1: really good question, I think. Then, I bet a lot 39 00:01:56,720 --> 00:01:58,640 Speaker 1: of people are struggling with this. I know that I 40 00:01:58,680 --> 00:02:01,480 Speaker 1: struggled with this When I am out of my disordered 41 00:02:01,680 --> 00:02:04,440 Speaker 1: eating habits. It almost as like I wanted to save 42 00:02:04,480 --> 00:02:07,000 Speaker 1: the world at the same time I wanted to tell everybody, 43 00:02:07,040 --> 00:02:08,760 Speaker 1: all the things that I learned, and I think it 44 00:02:08,919 --> 00:02:10,960 Speaker 1: came off why. I think it came off pretentious when 45 00:02:11,000 --> 00:02:12,960 Speaker 1: I was in my eating disorder, but then it also 46 00:02:13,000 --> 00:02:15,040 Speaker 1: came off pretentious when I was out of it. So 47 00:02:15,080 --> 00:02:17,880 Speaker 1: it's it's hard. It's pretty hard, So I'm gonna start 48 00:02:17,919 --> 00:02:21,280 Speaker 1: with that it's hard. I love that you Anonymous, have 49 00:02:21,360 --> 00:02:24,120 Speaker 1: found some healing from whatever kind of disordered way of 50 00:02:24,280 --> 00:02:27,280 Speaker 1: living around food you have had. It's hard work to 51 00:02:27,320 --> 00:02:30,400 Speaker 1: do that in itself, and the truth is, sadly, we 52 00:02:30,440 --> 00:02:33,480 Speaker 1: are still fighting the upheld battle. What Crystal and I 53 00:02:33,520 --> 00:02:36,239 Speaker 1: have talked about on the show and what I promote 54 00:02:36,280 --> 00:02:40,040 Speaker 1: and share is still the outlying opinion in most spaces 55 00:02:40,040 --> 00:02:43,560 Speaker 1: in America around food and body and health. It can 56 00:02:43,560 --> 00:02:45,359 Speaker 1: be really easy to forget this. I know from me 57 00:02:45,560 --> 00:02:48,000 Speaker 1: because I've shut a lot of the toxic stuff out 58 00:02:48,080 --> 00:02:50,959 Speaker 1: of my life. I've followed certain people and unfollowed certain 59 00:02:50,960 --> 00:02:53,799 Speaker 1: people on Instagram. I go to certain gyms and don't 60 00:02:53,800 --> 00:02:56,400 Speaker 1: go to certain gyms to move my body. That's just 61 00:02:56,440 --> 00:03:00,520 Speaker 1: the minority. Nevertheless, my way of thinking and eating food 62 00:03:00,520 --> 00:03:03,040 Speaker 1: and my body is still the minority. So this is 63 00:03:03,080 --> 00:03:05,160 Speaker 1: extra tough, and I get why you're struggling with it. 64 00:03:05,320 --> 00:03:07,440 Speaker 1: I think that the best thing you can do is 65 00:03:08,080 --> 00:03:10,960 Speaker 1: this sounds so I hate that I'm saying this word 66 00:03:11,320 --> 00:03:12,760 Speaker 1: or this phrase, but I think the best thing you 67 00:03:12,760 --> 00:03:14,400 Speaker 1: can do is live your truth. Live your truth the 68 00:03:14,400 --> 00:03:16,800 Speaker 1: best way you can. So you can do that just 69 00:03:16,840 --> 00:03:20,240 Speaker 1: by being yourself and maintaining the healthy behaviors you have created, 70 00:03:20,639 --> 00:03:23,760 Speaker 1: and by setting boundaries. That's a big one. Now, what 71 00:03:23,800 --> 00:03:26,519 Speaker 1: most people do not respond well to is people telling 72 00:03:26,520 --> 00:03:29,200 Speaker 1: them what to do when they have an asked. That's 73 00:03:29,240 --> 00:03:31,520 Speaker 1: a shortfire way to get somebody to send you some 74 00:03:31,560 --> 00:03:34,320 Speaker 1: resistance and get really defensive. And so when it comes 75 00:03:34,320 --> 00:03:38,120 Speaker 1: to disordered eating, if someone has not felt and discovered consequences, 76 00:03:38,240 --> 00:03:40,119 Speaker 1: it's really hard to convince them that what they're doing 77 00:03:40,200 --> 00:03:43,000 Speaker 1: is harmful or isn't working. And by just straight up 78 00:03:43,000 --> 00:03:45,640 Speaker 1: telling them things, it can come off, how I said, 79 00:03:45,880 --> 00:03:48,040 Speaker 1: like pretentious and like it can come off no at 80 00:03:48,040 --> 00:03:50,080 Speaker 1: allsh And I know that's kind of what you're struggling with. 81 00:03:50,160 --> 00:03:52,240 Speaker 1: So I know the best thing for me was one 82 00:03:52,360 --> 00:03:55,120 Speaker 1: to maintain my way of living. So no matter what 83 00:03:55,160 --> 00:03:57,760 Speaker 1: other people were promoting or doing or telling me, I 84 00:03:57,800 --> 00:03:59,600 Speaker 1: was still going to order what I wanted to order 85 00:03:59,720 --> 00:04:01,560 Speaker 1: At dinner table, I was still going to talk about 86 00:04:01,600 --> 00:04:04,000 Speaker 1: what I wanted to talk about. If they brought something 87 00:04:04,080 --> 00:04:06,640 Speaker 1: up about diety culture or something like that, I would 88 00:04:06,640 --> 00:04:09,600 Speaker 1: not engage in the conversation. So I think that's one 89 00:04:09,640 --> 00:04:12,800 Speaker 1: way like live live by example in one sense. And 90 00:04:12,840 --> 00:04:14,720 Speaker 1: then the boundaries. I want to bring boundaries in. And 91 00:04:14,760 --> 00:04:16,719 Speaker 1: I think that I've talked about this on a couch 92 00:04:16,720 --> 00:04:18,960 Speaker 1: talks before, but I can never talk about this enough. 93 00:04:19,160 --> 00:04:24,680 Speaker 1: So when we set boundaries, were also engaging in healthy confrontations. 94 00:04:24,920 --> 00:04:26,800 Speaker 1: And I'm going to give you a format to use, 95 00:04:27,120 --> 00:04:30,039 Speaker 1: and I use this in my own life. I give 96 00:04:30,080 --> 00:04:33,000 Speaker 1: this to tons of clients, and it's something that at 97 00:04:33,000 --> 00:04:36,680 Speaker 1: first seems kind of rigid, but you can definitely weave 98 00:04:36,760 --> 00:04:40,359 Speaker 1: this into a very normal conversation where people don't know 99 00:04:40,400 --> 00:04:42,320 Speaker 1: you're using it by just adding some of your own 100 00:04:42,360 --> 00:04:44,400 Speaker 1: language to it. So if it sounds kind of like 101 00:04:44,920 --> 00:04:47,800 Speaker 1: to do to do like robody, um no, that you can, like, 102 00:04:47,960 --> 00:04:49,960 Speaker 1: you don't have to say this exactly, you can weave 103 00:04:50,000 --> 00:04:52,239 Speaker 1: it into your own add your own spice or whatever. 104 00:04:52,360 --> 00:04:54,120 Speaker 1: So this is a format that I generally used when 105 00:04:54,120 --> 00:04:57,320 Speaker 1: I'm setting a confrontation or a boundary when you blank, 106 00:04:57,640 --> 00:05:00,520 Speaker 1: So when you do something. So let's say it's like 107 00:05:00,560 --> 00:05:03,520 Speaker 1: when you talk about calories or when I hear people 108 00:05:03,560 --> 00:05:05,520 Speaker 1: talking about calories, even if you want to take the 109 00:05:05,560 --> 00:05:08,080 Speaker 1: whole you out of it. That's the first part. I 110 00:05:08,120 --> 00:05:10,440 Speaker 1: feel blank. So then you add in a feeling word 111 00:05:10,480 --> 00:05:13,160 Speaker 1: like straight up feeling like I feel sad or scared 112 00:05:13,279 --> 00:05:16,360 Speaker 1: or angry, whatever it is, what it brings up for me, 113 00:05:16,839 --> 00:05:19,320 Speaker 1: or the story in my head or the judgment I 114 00:05:19,400 --> 00:05:21,719 Speaker 1: make you can use all three of those, is blank. 115 00:05:21,839 --> 00:05:24,640 Speaker 1: So that's where you get to say, I know that 116 00:05:24,680 --> 00:05:26,599 Speaker 1: I might be making something up and this might be 117 00:05:26,640 --> 00:05:28,520 Speaker 1: not what you're meaning, but I want you to know 118 00:05:28,600 --> 00:05:31,680 Speaker 1: how it feels when I see this thing. So you're 119 00:05:31,680 --> 00:05:33,920 Speaker 1: talking all about you. This isn't about them that you're 120 00:05:33,920 --> 00:05:37,240 Speaker 1: talking about your experience. So when you blank, I feel blank. 121 00:05:37,279 --> 00:05:39,719 Speaker 1: What it brings up for me is blank. What I 122 00:05:39,839 --> 00:05:42,200 Speaker 1: need is blank. And this is kind of where you 123 00:05:42,240 --> 00:05:45,400 Speaker 1: set your boundary. So what I need is space to 124 00:05:45,520 --> 00:05:48,839 Speaker 1: live in where calories aren't talked about, especially when I'm eating. 125 00:05:48,920 --> 00:05:51,240 Speaker 1: What I need is you get to fill that in 126 00:05:51,320 --> 00:05:55,120 Speaker 1: whatever fits for you, and then you set a consequence, because, 127 00:05:55,160 --> 00:05:58,200 Speaker 1: as you know, a boundary without a consequence is just 128 00:05:58,240 --> 00:06:01,240 Speaker 1: a suggestion. Right. So the truth is people don't change 129 00:06:01,279 --> 00:06:03,400 Speaker 1: behavior if they don't have a reason too. And a 130 00:06:03,440 --> 00:06:06,280 Speaker 1: lot of times people do things that are really harmful 131 00:06:06,680 --> 00:06:10,040 Speaker 1: to us because those things are working for them. So essentially, 132 00:06:10,480 --> 00:06:14,680 Speaker 1: you want to make these boundaries set so the things 133 00:06:14,680 --> 00:06:17,880 Speaker 1: that these people are doing are no longer working anymore. Right. 134 00:06:17,920 --> 00:06:20,240 Speaker 1: So it's that speaks into enabling, and I think I 135 00:06:20,240 --> 00:06:21,920 Speaker 1: talked about this on an episode when we were talking 136 00:06:21,920 --> 00:06:24,359 Speaker 1: about how to not enable people. You don't want to 137 00:06:24,400 --> 00:06:26,400 Speaker 1: just let this behavior continue to work for them. If 138 00:06:26,440 --> 00:06:28,680 Speaker 1: they can talk about calories whenever they want, and they 139 00:06:28,680 --> 00:06:31,560 Speaker 1: can talk about needing to lose weight or this exercise 140 00:06:31,600 --> 00:06:34,400 Speaker 1: where they burn seven calories, and people really jump on 141 00:06:34,440 --> 00:06:36,960 Speaker 1: that bandwagon for them and help them feel good about 142 00:06:36,960 --> 00:06:39,560 Speaker 1: their behaviors, it's working for them. But if you set 143 00:06:39,560 --> 00:06:42,040 Speaker 1: a boundary and that is no longer working for them, 144 00:06:42,080 --> 00:06:44,080 Speaker 1: and they know that when they talk about their calories 145 00:06:44,120 --> 00:06:46,640 Speaker 1: that hurts you, that won't hopefully won't be working for 146 00:06:46,680 --> 00:06:49,520 Speaker 1: them anymore. Now, the other part is you set boundaries. 147 00:06:49,560 --> 00:06:52,120 Speaker 1: The goal is to protect yourself. It's not essentially just 148 00:06:52,240 --> 00:06:54,520 Speaker 1: to change their behavior. That would be a bonus. But 149 00:06:54,640 --> 00:06:57,159 Speaker 1: when we set boundaries, there for us, So it's about 150 00:06:57,279 --> 00:07:00,680 Speaker 1: you also changing your behavior. So the ansequence a lot 151 00:07:00,680 --> 00:07:02,640 Speaker 1: of times has to do with something that you're going 152 00:07:02,680 --> 00:07:05,360 Speaker 1: to end up doing. If you continue to talk about 153 00:07:05,440 --> 00:07:07,800 Speaker 1: calories or I don't know why keep bringing that that's 154 00:07:07,800 --> 00:07:09,480 Speaker 1: just what we're using. I'm no longer going to be 155 00:07:09,520 --> 00:07:10,960 Speaker 1: able to go out to eat with you if you 156 00:07:11,000 --> 00:07:13,400 Speaker 1: talk about how many calories are in your meal every time, 157 00:07:13,440 --> 00:07:16,000 Speaker 1: because that's really painful for me. Or I'm never no 158 00:07:16,040 --> 00:07:17,880 Speaker 1: longer going to be able to run with you on 159 00:07:17,920 --> 00:07:20,880 Speaker 1: the weekends if you have to talk about how many 160 00:07:20,880 --> 00:07:23,400 Speaker 1: calories you burned each mile, because that's really hard for 161 00:07:23,440 --> 00:07:24,600 Speaker 1: me and I'm trying to learn how to move my 162 00:07:24,640 --> 00:07:26,600 Speaker 1: body in a different way. So you're going to have 163 00:07:26,640 --> 00:07:29,480 Speaker 1: to uphold this consequence, which could be really hard because 164 00:07:29,480 --> 00:07:32,480 Speaker 1: it's essentially like if this is affecting you and you 165 00:07:32,560 --> 00:07:34,160 Speaker 1: might have to do something that you wish you didn't 166 00:07:34,160 --> 00:07:36,600 Speaker 1: have to do, and it's really what's going to help 167 00:07:36,880 --> 00:07:38,880 Speaker 1: change that behavior and put you in a space that 168 00:07:38,960 --> 00:07:41,240 Speaker 1: makes you feel better and more supported in your way 169 00:07:41,280 --> 00:07:45,720 Speaker 1: of living. So if people end up hearing you and 170 00:07:45,840 --> 00:07:48,760 Speaker 1: end up seeing what you're doing and end up seeing 171 00:07:48,800 --> 00:07:50,440 Speaker 1: the way that you're living, in how it's so much 172 00:07:50,480 --> 00:07:52,960 Speaker 1: more fruitful for you. The bonus might be they do 173 00:07:53,120 --> 00:07:56,240 Speaker 1: change their behavior, Okay, But the point I want to 174 00:07:56,280 --> 00:07:58,600 Speaker 1: make here is I want you to find spaces where 175 00:07:58,680 --> 00:08:01,600 Speaker 1: you feel like you can be supported the most in 176 00:08:01,640 --> 00:08:04,120 Speaker 1: your new way of living, because since this is such 177 00:08:04,160 --> 00:08:07,280 Speaker 1: the minority way of thinking in America, it's really easy 178 00:08:07,320 --> 00:08:09,360 Speaker 1: to be like taken back to the dark side really 179 00:08:09,440 --> 00:08:12,560 Speaker 1: quick because I'm doing air quotes. Everybody else is doing it, 180 00:08:12,600 --> 00:08:15,160 Speaker 1: and it's glorified and it's normalized in our world. And 181 00:08:15,200 --> 00:08:17,480 Speaker 1: I talked about last week, just because something is normal 182 00:08:17,600 --> 00:08:19,600 Speaker 1: doesn't mean it's healthy. I'm just gonna put that out 183 00:08:19,640 --> 00:08:23,520 Speaker 1: there all in this to say, if somebody is actually like, 184 00:08:23,600 --> 00:08:26,120 Speaker 1: if you are scared for their health and their safety 185 00:08:26,120 --> 00:08:28,280 Speaker 1: and their well being, there's a way to have a 186 00:08:28,320 --> 00:08:31,680 Speaker 1: healthy confrontation and just express that as well, and as 187 00:08:31,680 --> 00:08:33,600 Speaker 1: long as you do that in a way, because that 188 00:08:33,679 --> 00:08:36,480 Speaker 1: whole part was really as if people were engaging in 189 00:08:36,559 --> 00:08:39,960 Speaker 1: diet culture things, but you don't think that their immediate 190 00:08:40,040 --> 00:08:42,880 Speaker 1: safety is at harm. And I struggle even saying that 191 00:08:42,920 --> 00:08:45,280 Speaker 1: because so many people who diet end up going into 192 00:08:45,280 --> 00:08:48,640 Speaker 1: and eating disorders, and eating disorders are the most deadliest 193 00:08:48,640 --> 00:08:51,000 Speaker 1: mental illness there is right now in America. So I 194 00:08:51,040 --> 00:08:53,160 Speaker 1: even struggle that I'm going to say the wrong thing 195 00:08:53,200 --> 00:08:56,040 Speaker 1: and talking about this, But that one part where I 196 00:08:56,080 --> 00:08:59,840 Speaker 1: just talked was about you setting boundaries and you working 197 00:09:00,440 --> 00:09:03,760 Speaker 1: in spaces and trying to maintain relationships in spaces where 198 00:09:03,800 --> 00:09:06,360 Speaker 1: somebody's just belief system is different than yours when it 199 00:09:06,360 --> 00:09:09,680 Speaker 1: comes to food and body image and moving your body. Now, 200 00:09:09,760 --> 00:09:11,800 Speaker 1: if you have a friend who is like in the 201 00:09:11,840 --> 00:09:15,200 Speaker 1: thick of it and you are literally scared for their safety, 202 00:09:15,240 --> 00:09:17,960 Speaker 1: I think that's a whole another conversation, and that's where 203 00:09:18,000 --> 00:09:21,040 Speaker 1: you can sit down and have a really healthy care frontation. 204 00:09:21,440 --> 00:09:23,520 Speaker 1: You can use the same format and you can say 205 00:09:23,559 --> 00:09:27,319 Speaker 1: something like, Hey, when I see you skipping meals or 206 00:09:27,840 --> 00:09:30,360 Speaker 1: this or that or whatever the thing is that scares you, 207 00:09:30,880 --> 00:09:33,040 Speaker 1: I feel really scared. What it brings up for me 208 00:09:33,440 --> 00:09:35,760 Speaker 1: is and you can go on, You're really important to 209 00:09:35,800 --> 00:09:37,720 Speaker 1: me and I don't want to lose you as a friend. 210 00:09:38,000 --> 00:09:41,800 Speaker 1: And whatever the story I make is that something bad 211 00:09:41,880 --> 00:09:44,080 Speaker 1: is going to happen x y Z you fill that in. 212 00:09:44,240 --> 00:09:46,560 Speaker 1: What I need is for you to just hear me out. 213 00:09:46,760 --> 00:09:48,120 Speaker 1: I mean that could be it. Like I want you 214 00:09:48,160 --> 00:09:49,920 Speaker 1: to it's just I want to have a conversation with you, 215 00:09:50,000 --> 00:09:51,840 Speaker 1: and what I need is to know if you need 216 00:09:51,880 --> 00:09:54,480 Speaker 1: help and all of that. What I need is just 217 00:09:54,520 --> 00:09:57,320 Speaker 1: to have a conversation. That's another way you can approach that. 218 00:09:57,440 --> 00:09:59,319 Speaker 1: But you have to do that in a really caring 219 00:10:00,120 --> 00:10:04,199 Speaker 1: kind way that doesn't feel accusatory and all of that, 220 00:10:04,240 --> 00:10:06,480 Speaker 1: because when you're in the thickest something like that, it's 221 00:10:06,520 --> 00:10:09,240 Speaker 1: really easy to get defensive. And when defensiveness comes in, 222 00:10:09,679 --> 00:10:12,200 Speaker 1: it's like all bets are off. This conversation is pointless. 223 00:10:12,600 --> 00:10:14,680 Speaker 1: So that was a very long winded way to answer 224 00:10:14,679 --> 00:10:17,280 Speaker 1: your question. I hope that helped, and I do want 225 00:10:17,280 --> 00:10:19,560 Speaker 1: to round that out with Like I said, I almost 226 00:10:19,600 --> 00:10:22,200 Speaker 1: tiptoe around this kind of stuff because there's so much 227 00:10:22,200 --> 00:10:23,880 Speaker 1: more to it than I can talk about in ten 228 00:10:23,920 --> 00:10:27,280 Speaker 1: minutes on this podcast, and so take all of that information. 229 00:10:27,480 --> 00:10:30,040 Speaker 1: But I am not the bible of helping your friends, 230 00:10:30,120 --> 00:10:32,760 Speaker 1: and I don't know the real situations you're in, so 231 00:10:32,920 --> 00:10:34,480 Speaker 1: I can't be the end all be all when it 232 00:10:34,480 --> 00:10:37,240 Speaker 1: comes to that. But take that information and hopefully it 233 00:10:37,280 --> 00:10:41,439 Speaker 1: will help you in some way. Second question is from 234 00:10:41,480 --> 00:10:45,960 Speaker 1: another anonymous person and he or she writes, HI, I 235 00:10:46,040 --> 00:10:49,560 Speaker 1: have been loving the podcast and really enjoy how relatable 236 00:10:49,559 --> 00:10:52,080 Speaker 1: and normal you seem. I mean this in a good way, 237 00:10:52,240 --> 00:10:54,480 Speaker 1: because in my old mind, I always saw a therapist 238 00:10:54,600 --> 00:10:57,520 Speaker 1: as older women that I couldn't relate to, that just 239 00:10:57,600 --> 00:11:00,000 Speaker 1: sat there and nodded their heads and seemed very dis 240 00:11:00,040 --> 00:11:02,040 Speaker 1: to I have a couple of questions, but my main 241 00:11:02,080 --> 00:11:04,880 Speaker 1: one is I would love to know how you find 242 00:11:04,880 --> 00:11:06,520 Speaker 1: the courage to do the things that you do. Have 243 00:11:06,559 --> 00:11:08,240 Speaker 1: a lot of dreams in my head, but I can't 244 00:11:08,280 --> 00:11:10,400 Speaker 1: seem to pull the trigger on any of them. I 245 00:11:10,400 --> 00:11:13,160 Speaker 1: assume I'm missing some piece of confidence. But I see 246 00:11:13,480 --> 00:11:16,000 Speaker 1: people around me going after all these awesome things, and 247 00:11:16,120 --> 00:11:19,880 Speaker 1: while I probably look somewhat successful from the outside, I'm 248 00:11:19,880 --> 00:11:23,559 Speaker 1: itching to do more. I am scared. Can you help? Okay? 249 00:11:23,960 --> 00:11:26,760 Speaker 1: I love this question, and I first want to say 250 00:11:26,760 --> 00:11:30,480 Speaker 1: thank you. I love that I seem relatable and normal 251 00:11:30,559 --> 00:11:33,680 Speaker 1: to you. I used to think that about therapist too, 252 00:11:33,720 --> 00:11:35,640 Speaker 1: and I think it actually comes from a couple of 253 00:11:35,640 --> 00:11:38,920 Speaker 1: experiences I did have from therapists, and also how therapists 254 00:11:39,000 --> 00:11:42,880 Speaker 1: are kind of promoted in movies and TV, although not 255 00:11:43,000 --> 00:11:45,880 Speaker 1: Maggie from a Million Little Things, because she, I mean, 256 00:11:46,120 --> 00:11:47,839 Speaker 1: I wish she could beat my therapist, but she is 257 00:11:47,880 --> 00:11:50,520 Speaker 1: not real anyway. The truth is there are a lot 258 00:11:50,520 --> 00:11:52,520 Speaker 1: of therapists out there like me. So I do want 259 00:11:52,520 --> 00:11:55,200 Speaker 1: people to know if you're like oh, never find a 260 00:11:55,200 --> 00:11:58,600 Speaker 1: therapist that seems normal or relatable or like me. There's 261 00:11:58,640 --> 00:12:00,320 Speaker 1: tons of people like me out there, they just don't 262 00:12:00,320 --> 00:12:02,680 Speaker 1: have podcasts. So I want to put that out there too. 263 00:12:02,840 --> 00:12:05,680 Speaker 1: And now to your question, I think a lot of 264 00:12:05,720 --> 00:12:08,320 Speaker 1: what drives my behavior to do the things that I 265 00:12:08,360 --> 00:12:11,160 Speaker 1: do is my personality. I have a lot of ideas 266 00:12:11,160 --> 00:12:13,240 Speaker 1: in my head too, and I also don't have a 267 00:12:13,240 --> 00:12:16,160 Speaker 1: lot of patients, so I think I end up doing 268 00:12:16,200 --> 00:12:18,960 Speaker 1: a lot of things just because, like I jump really fast, 269 00:12:19,120 --> 00:12:21,480 Speaker 1: and I don't suggest that that's always the best way 270 00:12:21,480 --> 00:12:23,440 Speaker 1: to do things. Now, I think there's a lot to 271 00:12:23,480 --> 00:12:25,520 Speaker 1: this question that I wish I could tease out with 272 00:12:25,559 --> 00:12:27,840 Speaker 1: you in person. So I'm gonna encourage you to answer 273 00:12:27,920 --> 00:12:30,200 Speaker 1: some of these questions that I would normally ask somebody 274 00:12:30,200 --> 00:12:33,400 Speaker 1: if somebody came into my office with this kind of stuff, First, 275 00:12:33,960 --> 00:12:36,520 Speaker 1: I would ask what are you afraid of? So just 276 00:12:36,559 --> 00:12:38,920 Speaker 1: straight up, what are you afraid of? And then I 277 00:12:38,960 --> 00:12:40,840 Speaker 1: want to ask you what what is the worst that 278 00:12:40,880 --> 00:12:43,320 Speaker 1: would happen if that fear came true, then the next 279 00:12:43,360 --> 00:12:46,880 Speaker 1: thing I would tease out is is the ideal worth trying? 280 00:12:47,400 --> 00:12:50,480 Speaker 1: As in, if that fear came true, would that be 281 00:12:50,600 --> 00:12:53,240 Speaker 1: worse than sitting with these hopes and dreams and never 282 00:12:53,280 --> 00:12:55,480 Speaker 1: knowing if they were possible. If the answer is no, 283 00:12:56,240 --> 00:12:59,120 Speaker 1: then girl, let's go make some moves and let's let's 284 00:12:59,160 --> 00:13:01,840 Speaker 1: do something. And the answer is yes, then I think 285 00:13:01,880 --> 00:13:04,880 Speaker 1: you might want to dive deeper into what those fears 286 00:13:04,880 --> 00:13:07,679 Speaker 1: would mean about you, who you are and your worthiness. 287 00:13:08,000 --> 00:13:09,960 Speaker 1: I think the world ends up seeing a lot of 288 00:13:09,960 --> 00:13:12,280 Speaker 1: the things that I do. I don't think the world, 289 00:13:12,360 --> 00:13:14,840 Speaker 1: and obviously, like you're not with me all day long, 290 00:13:15,200 --> 00:13:17,040 Speaker 1: so people aren't seeing all the things that I'm doing 291 00:13:17,080 --> 00:13:18,880 Speaker 1: that aren't going right. I do a lot of things 292 00:13:18,880 --> 00:13:21,000 Speaker 1: that go wrong or things that don't work out. And 293 00:13:21,040 --> 00:13:24,120 Speaker 1: what I have learned through years of processing and tons 294 00:13:24,120 --> 00:13:27,520 Speaker 1: of therapy is that my worthiness of who I am 295 00:13:27,559 --> 00:13:29,800 Speaker 1: as a human is not tied to my success or 296 00:13:29,840 --> 00:13:34,080 Speaker 1: failures and what I'm doing. My worthiness is a static thing, 297 00:13:34,240 --> 00:13:37,679 Speaker 1: like it doesn't move, and my success and failures those 298 00:13:37,679 --> 00:13:40,480 Speaker 1: are the fluid things. So those are up and those 299 00:13:40,480 --> 00:13:42,520 Speaker 1: are down day by day. So I learned if I 300 00:13:42,559 --> 00:13:44,680 Speaker 1: tied my worth to those things, and every day that 301 00:13:44,720 --> 00:13:46,959 Speaker 1: I opened my eyes, I wouldn't know when I went 302 00:13:47,040 --> 00:13:48,760 Speaker 1: to bed if I was going to be worthy or 303 00:13:48,800 --> 00:13:50,960 Speaker 1: not that night. And that was an ikey feeling. I 304 00:13:50,960 --> 00:13:53,520 Speaker 1: didn't like it. And the things that I do that 305 00:13:53,640 --> 00:13:56,439 Speaker 1: end up going well or work out, those are exciting 306 00:13:56,520 --> 00:13:59,280 Speaker 1: and I'm grateful and I'm so happy about it, but 307 00:13:59,320 --> 00:14:01,240 Speaker 1: they're not the or is that my life stands on. 308 00:14:01,400 --> 00:14:04,080 Speaker 1: So I have different pillars that my life stands on now, 309 00:14:04,200 --> 00:14:05,959 Speaker 1: and I had to do some digging to figure out 310 00:14:05,960 --> 00:14:08,880 Speaker 1: what those really are and what really matters in my life. 311 00:14:09,040 --> 00:14:11,600 Speaker 1: All of that to say, I don't know that it's 312 00:14:11,600 --> 00:14:15,000 Speaker 1: a confidence thing so much. Especially for me. It's not 313 00:14:15,040 --> 00:14:17,000 Speaker 1: so much if I think I can do something or not, 314 00:14:17,200 --> 00:14:19,240 Speaker 1: because sometimes I try things and I'm like, there's no 315 00:14:19,280 --> 00:14:21,440 Speaker 1: way this is gonna work, or I try something and 316 00:14:21,440 --> 00:14:23,640 Speaker 1: I'm like there's no way this person is gonna like 317 00:14:23,760 --> 00:14:25,520 Speaker 1: this or whatever, and then it goes well. I have 318 00:14:25,560 --> 00:14:28,080 Speaker 1: a lot of doubt in my life. I think it's 319 00:14:28,200 --> 00:14:30,480 Speaker 1: more for me about I don't put a lot of 320 00:14:30,520 --> 00:14:33,800 Speaker 1: weight in things going right or wrong, or being successful 321 00:14:33,920 --> 00:14:36,800 Speaker 1: or a failure. I put weight in other things and 322 00:14:37,080 --> 00:14:38,560 Speaker 1: I don't need to tell you even what those things 323 00:14:38,640 --> 00:14:41,480 Speaker 1: are because I think that that's more about you getting 324 00:14:41,480 --> 00:14:43,480 Speaker 1: to do some digging and what are the pillars that 325 00:14:43,600 --> 00:14:45,480 Speaker 1: my life is going to stand on. So when I 326 00:14:45,520 --> 00:14:48,120 Speaker 1: do do something and it doesn't go well, yeah, that's 327 00:14:48,120 --> 00:14:50,840 Speaker 1: a bomber. But my life is not over. And if 328 00:14:50,880 --> 00:14:53,800 Speaker 1: I do something that goes well, that's amazing. But this 329 00:14:53,880 --> 00:14:55,760 Speaker 1: is not what's going to keep me breathing in, my 330 00:14:55,800 --> 00:14:58,680 Speaker 1: heart beating and me alive. So I hope that's helpful. Again, 331 00:14:58,720 --> 00:15:00,440 Speaker 1: those questions might be really helped well for you to 332 00:15:00,440 --> 00:15:03,200 Speaker 1: answer and maybe journal about and uh, good luck with 333 00:15:03,440 --> 00:15:05,760 Speaker 1: doing the things that you want to do. So this 334 00:15:06,000 --> 00:15:09,440 Speaker 1: um wraps up this episode of Couch Talks. And again, 335 00:15:09,480 --> 00:15:12,120 Speaker 1: if you guys have any questions or I mean feedback 336 00:15:12,160 --> 00:15:13,880 Speaker 1: of any sort, you can I mean you can put 337 00:15:13,880 --> 00:15:17,200 Speaker 1: feedback or comments in the if when you write the 338 00:15:17,240 --> 00:15:19,920 Speaker 1: podcast at the bottom of the page on Apple Podcasts, 339 00:15:20,040 --> 00:15:23,000 Speaker 1: or you can send me something through email Catherine at 340 00:15:23,040 --> 00:15:27,120 Speaker 1: you Need Therapy podcast dot com, and go ahead, while 341 00:15:27,160 --> 00:15:30,120 Speaker 1: you're at it, follow us at you Need Therapy Podcast 342 00:15:30,600 --> 00:15:34,400 Speaker 1: and follow me on Instagram at at Cat dot de Futah. 343 00:15:34,520 --> 00:15:36,560 Speaker 1: I hope you guys have a wonderful week and um 344 00:15:36,680 --> 00:15:38,360 Speaker 1: I'll talk to you guys again on Monday.