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Speaker 1: Husband's mad. We didn't watch his toddler when he was hospitalized,

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Speaker 1: but we were busy. Now he's doing the unthinkable. I

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Speaker 1: mean they were busy, they were busy, they had I mean,

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Speaker 1: there's so many things you could do instead of watching

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Speaker 1: a kid. Buy some moment milk, of course. One, go

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Speaker 1: on a walk. Two buy a new pair of slacks.

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Speaker 1: Birkenstocks and slacks, same trick.

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Speaker 2: Yeah, yeah, you can do both, matching fashion. I mean, there's.

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Speaker 1: Countless things that I would rather do than watch your

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Speaker 1: toddler bedridden, button blessing. Ugh, you piss baby, you call

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Speaker 1: back human, you little piss boy. Disgusting. My husband and

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Speaker 1: I have been together for four years. I have two kids,

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Speaker 1: seventeen male and nineteen female, and their half brother is

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Speaker 1: three years old. Okay, this past week, my husband had

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Speaker 1: an emergency. His dad had a medical emergency and wanted

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Speaker 1: someone to watch our son. He asked my older son,

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Speaker 1: and he refused because he was going out with friends.

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Speaker 1: He also asked my daughter, but he locked yourself in

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Speaker 1: her room to study.

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Speaker 3: I mean, look, hanging out with the boys, hitting the books,

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Speaker 3: these are important activities.

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Speaker 2: Yeah, I don't take care of my brother. What if?

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Speaker 2: What if you know I fail a pop quiz, it's

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Speaker 2: a game over. Toddlers don't have harp quizzes. Exactly. You're

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Speaker 2: not getting it. Dad.

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Speaker 1: Do you want me to go to Harvard? Or do

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Speaker 1: you want me to watch this little piss baby?

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Speaker 2: I mean, think about it.

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Speaker 3: A toddler, You can walk, it can probably reach random things.

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Speaker 2: Just put it in a crib, lock it in a cage.

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Speaker 3: You know. Yeah, so let's let's make it simple. Yeah,

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Speaker 3: you know, get a little like the Gerbil water fear. Yeah,

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Speaker 3: or get what are those Gerbil balls for your toddler? Yeah,

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Speaker 3: he's not going to cause any trouble.

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Speaker 2: Done. That's can we not automate? Hello? Is that not?

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Speaker 2: It's twenty twenty two, almost twenty twenty three?

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Speaker 1: Hey, I you know I'm running for president twenty twenty

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Speaker 1: three on put all toddlers and Gerbil balls.

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Speaker 2: That you know what a platform? Oh? I also love

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Speaker 2: how you're running for president in twenty twenty three.

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Speaker 1: Yeah, uh, you know, a special election. You don't realize

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Speaker 1: what's gonna happen in twenty thirty three. Oh, there's some

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Speaker 1: shit that's going down, Okay, some insider info.

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Speaker 2: All right.

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Speaker 1: I was at the restaurant with my brother meeting his

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Speaker 1: girlfriend for the first time. My husband ended up taking

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Speaker 1: our son with him to the hospital and his mom

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Speaker 1: watched him from there, and then when he came home,

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Speaker 1: he lashed out on everybody, calling us selfish and unfeeling.

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Speaker 1: I tried to explain that the kids were busy, but

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Speaker 1: he told me to get the f out with the

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Speaker 1: bull because my older son could have skipped the hangout

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Speaker 1: and watched his brother, and my daughter could have watched

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Speaker 1: your brother as well. But I told him I couldn't

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Speaker 1: leave lunch with my brother since he was visiting town,

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Speaker 1: and this is my only chance to meet his girlfriend.

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Speaker 3: Of the only chance. Look, yeah, only chance to me,

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Speaker 3: the girl is literally dying. But but Sam, this is

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Speaker 3: I love how she phrased that the only chance I have.

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Speaker 3: To me, it's like, could you not like see her again?

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Speaker 2: Could you not? I mean, if she's out of town,

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Speaker 2: could you not hop on a FaceTime? Could you not? Like?

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Speaker 1: And how far out of town is she? Like, like, oh,

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Speaker 1: she's like an hour away. I have to go from

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Speaker 1: like the one oh one to the four h five?

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Speaker 1: Are you kidding?

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Speaker 2: Wow?

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Speaker 3: Like this is beyond Like this might be the only

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Speaker 3: chance that you can see your your husband's father again,

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Speaker 3: like watch the kids us, he can take care of it.

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Speaker 1: He yelled some more and told us he was canceling

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Speaker 1: the family holiday trip for Christmas this year. The two

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Speaker 1: older kids were upset and said it was unfair. I

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Speaker 1: called him unreasonable to cancel the trip and punish the

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Speaker 1: kids and possibly me like that. He refused to discuss

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Speaker 1: it later. Now me and the kids are speaking to him,

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Speaker 1: and he's sang good riddance, see you at it. My

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Speaker 1: husband was supposed to watch our son at the time.

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Speaker 1: That's why I went to see my brother at the restaurant.

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Speaker 1: The kids aren't used to watching their brother when neither

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Speaker 1: parent is home. Of course, Yeah, you have shitty kids

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Speaker 1: if they're seventeen and nineteen and can't watch a kid, Sam,

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Speaker 1: they're not used to it. Okay, they have to.

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Speaker 3: Freaking go here to it. What if them is nineteen,

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Speaker 3: they have to go through trading? Okay, they have to ridiculous.

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Speaker 3: They have to first do like ten course see press.

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Speaker 3: Also ten practice sessions with the parents, like just hiding

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Speaker 3: in a closet.

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Speaker 2: Pretending not to be there, so that way you know

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Speaker 2: they can.

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Speaker 1: Anything goes wrong. Parents can like pairsale in and make sure.

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Speaker 2: They build up those reps. You know what I mean.

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Speaker 2: It's all about reps. They useless kids.

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Speaker 1: You know, back in the old days used to have

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Speaker 1: kids and they would like do everything, you know, they

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Speaker 1: would farm, they would take care of the like the

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Speaker 1: new kids. They would you know, tell you about the automobile.

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Speaker 1: And now these classic activities, these useless kids.

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Speaker 2: Not knowing any automobile facts. No shit, get out of

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Speaker 2: my face, old babysitter.

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Speaker 1: Yeah, I do have an issue with babies, like babysitting babies, but.

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Speaker 3: Your own babies, babies, babysitting babies.

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Speaker 2: Is there something there?

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Speaker 1: Oh, there's something, There's something there, There's something. But yeah,

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Speaker 1: this is ridiculous. These these kids are a bunch of

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Speaker 1: pieces of poop.

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Speaker 2: That's not good. Okayop.

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Speaker 1: This is Samuel Donner and this is John Fras and

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Speaker 1: we're Okayop, we're telling the funniest stories on REDDA and John,

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Speaker 1: I have a crazy one.

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Speaker 2: You always do. You never disappoint try not to. I

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Speaker 2: try not to. Today.

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Speaker 1: I fed up by punching a girl in the face

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Speaker 1: and getting tackled by a mall cop. Before I begin,

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Speaker 1: I'd like to say that violence in women do not mix. Ever,

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Speaker 1: Thanks for this favor.

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Speaker 3: Gee.

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Speaker 1: With that out of the way, I've been friends with

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Speaker 1: this particular girl for a very long time. I want

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Speaker 1: to say more than a decade. We're very much platonic

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Speaker 1: friends because we both have the same taste in women

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Speaker 1: and we stick with what we like. A very pertinent

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Speaker 1: detail about this friend has very badass on.

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Speaker 2: Yeah, I love I love that lie. We both have

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Speaker 2: the same das. She keeps it under control.

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Speaker 1: A very pertinent deal about this friend is she has

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Speaker 1: very bad asthma. She keeps it under control for the

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Speaker 1: most part, with one glaring exception. If she starts sobbing,

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Speaker 1: there's a chance it will trigger what I call a

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Speaker 1: feedback loop asthma attack. The asthma attack is triggered by

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Speaker 1: the sobbing. The lack of air makes her sob harder,

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Speaker 1: and eventually very bad things start to happen, very bad.

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Speaker 1: Happily enough, her super asthma attack has a very easy fix.

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Speaker 1: If she gets slapped across the face, it's startling enough

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Speaker 1: for her to snap out of it, and once she's back,

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Speaker 1: she'll use her inhaler and the interests of breathing but

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Speaker 1: there's some serious for shattering here.

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Speaker 2: I think they need to address what's making her cry

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Speaker 2: sob all the time. I mean, that.

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Speaker 1: Sounds like there's some other problems bubbling beneath the surface,

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Speaker 1: but we'll get to that very soon. My friend called

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Speaker 1: me up earlier and informed me that I've been inside

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Speaker 1: too long and then clearly in desperate need of some

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Speaker 1: retail therapy.

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Speaker 2: WHOA, this is.

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Speaker 1: A coded message, and it really means my friend needs

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Speaker 1: to go to the mall and her girlfriend is busy.

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Speaker 1: So I just volunteered to serve as a combination bodyguard,

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Speaker 1: so fur and porter. So I jump in my car,

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Speaker 1: pick her up, and off to the mall we go.

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Speaker 1: We're part way through shopping and my friend gets a call.

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Speaker 1: She picks it up, talks briefly with someone. It was

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Speaker 1: her girlfriend calling to let her know that their dog

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Speaker 1: had passed away from complications to surgery. And then it happens.

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Speaker 1: She starts making a gasping sound and haul's asks to

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Speaker 1: the nearest available restroom. I follow as quickly as I can,

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Speaker 1: despite being loaded down with the recent purchases, and see

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Speaker 1: her dip into the men's room, which I took to

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Speaker 1: mean I should follow her in and whoa does this

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Speaker 1: go down? Very very quickly. I come in behind and

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Speaker 1: she said, one of the sinks trying to get that

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Speaker 1: censor to come on, you know, like the bitch. I

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Speaker 1: think it's just like to wash her face. I ask

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Speaker 1: her what's wrong, and I'm answered by unintelligible war sounds woooo.

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Speaker 1: I set her shopping up on the mall bathroom's countertop,

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Speaker 1: figuring that will be slightly less unsanitary than the mall

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Speaker 1: bathroom floor, and help her get the faucet running. She

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Speaker 1: starts to sob and then it turns into the gasping

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Speaker 1: sob that indicates the asthma attack is inbound.

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Speaker 2: No, but this next bark gets crazier. What unbeknownst to.

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Speaker 1: Me, Paul Blart mall cops saw a girl sprinted to

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Speaker 1: the men's bathroom and decided that it was worth investigating. Ah.

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Speaker 1: He blurted his way into the bathroom to witness me

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Speaker 1: grab a girl who was crying. She was sinking to

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Speaker 1: the floor and would have been pissed if I let

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Speaker 1: her follow the floor, Shake her once, and when she

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Speaker 1: didn't respond, wind up and slap her across the base.

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Speaker 3: Oh man, this is not good for her her protagonist.

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Speaker 1: He then did what any mall security professional would do

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Speaker 1: and probably forgot all of his training or how to

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Speaker 1: deal with the situation like this, not to mention just

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Speaker 1: breaking several laws and goes straight for the most potent

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Speaker 1: weapon in his arsenal. That weapon was the taser, and

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Speaker 1: nothing could have prepared me for what came next. Just

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Speaker 1: in case anyone is curious, it's not fun being tased.

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Speaker 1: Ten out of ten would not recommend. I kind of

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Speaker 1: want to try it, you're a mass kiss. I can

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Speaker 1: also report that a taser is not an effective remedy

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Speaker 1: for an asthma attack. I know this because my entire

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Speaker 1: body locked up because of the taser, and as such

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Speaker 1: I was incapable of releasing my friend, and we fell

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Speaker 1: in such a way that one of the prongs that

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Speaker 1: was zapping me made contact.

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Speaker 2: With the wet bathroom floor.

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Speaker 1: Since she landed in some of the same wet water

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Speaker 1: on the floor, she got a dose of zap as

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Speaker 1: well zapoplart. It was only when the twitching had subsided

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Speaker 1: that the mall cop remembered he had a radio and

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Speaker 1: then summoned some adults. Myself and my friend got loaded

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Speaker 1: into ambulances and taken to the a hospital and mall

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Speaker 1: cop got loaded into an actual police car. Just now,

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Speaker 1: at five am on the day after I am finally

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Speaker 1: getting home from a quick trip to the mall for

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Speaker 1: some retail therapy.

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Speaker 2: So they arrested the mall. They arrested the mall cop.

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Speaker 3: Like if you had a doorman or something taste, it's

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Speaker 3: like a doorman. Yeah, it's like, you know, doorman, you

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Speaker 3: not a cop.

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Speaker 2: Yeah, Like, stay in your lege. You're here to open doors,

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Speaker 2: You're not here to be a dirty harry. Also, what

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Speaker 2: are he mentioned? Like he forgot his training? I wonder

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Speaker 2: what mall cops are trained.

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Speaker 1: Oh, it's intense, ten weeks of intense boot camp. You

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Speaker 1: gotta eat donuts. You gotta yell at teenagers.

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Speaker 2: Oh no, no, I have to eat an Annie's.

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Speaker 1: Oh yeah, and he's pretzels and he's pretzels.

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Speaker 3: We we we really just do this in our sleep, guys, NBC, whoever, like, come.

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Speaker 1: Yeah, we got a million ideas like this, A panel

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Speaker 1: of all mall cop judges. That's what I want to

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Speaker 1: see eating on the ANNs and wetzel pretzels.

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Speaker 3: Honestly, have you seen have you seen the shows are

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Speaker 3: doing lately. They have like Home Swap.

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Speaker 2: Yeah, dude, reality TV is weird.

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Speaker 1: Yeah, I was just watching something where it was it

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Speaker 1: was like in like two thousand and seven, they had

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Speaker 1: pick up artists compete against each other and there is

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Speaker 1: like and like it wasn't even they didn't even like

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Speaker 1: win money. They just won a night out on the

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Speaker 1: town and it was like a magician against a like

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Speaker 1: like a stripper.

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Speaker 2: Because that was before cancel culture. Right, what was these

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Speaker 2: reality TV shows? Yeah, you're right, you are right. Yeah,

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Speaker 2: they got away with so much. They was so bad.

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Speaker 1: There was also one called Hot or Not where they

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Speaker 1: just literally judged people's appearances and they would just say

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Speaker 1: like to beautiful people like you're ugly and I'm like, bro,

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Speaker 1: what are you talking about?

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Speaker 2: Oh but before we go to the next story, subscriabb

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Speaker 2: scrab that's it. That's it.

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Speaker 1: Then, guy like