Speaker 1: Pushkin.
Speaker 2: When I was going through my twenties early thirties, it
Speaker 2: was very easy to be passively friends because most people
Speaker 2: will never tell you the honest truth of what's going on.
Speaker 1: This is Andy Sulkin. As you've probably noticed from his accent.
Speaker 1: Andy is British, the country he's from isn't exactly known
Speaker 1: for its emotional openness. But no matter where you're from,
Speaker 1: I'm guessing you may be able to resonate with Andy's
Speaker 1: experience of friendship.
Speaker 2: We'll all just go you're right, and people will go, yeah,
Speaker 2: of course I'm fine.
Speaker 1: But a few years ago Andy decided to make a
Speaker 1: big change. He decided to stop being so passive with
Speaker 1: the people he cared about.
Speaker 2: I now feel more active in every friendship I have.
Speaker 1: If a friend who seems like they're having a tough
Speaker 1: day says I'm fine, Andy will reply.
Speaker 2: Are you all right? You don't seem all right.
Speaker 1: Andy's also increased the frequency with which he checks in
Speaker 1: on people. He texts his friends regularly, even those who
Speaker 1: don't always write back.
Speaker 2: Sometimes they need prompting.
Speaker 1: If Andy hasn't heard from a friend in a while,
Speaker 1: he takes that as a sign that they may be
Speaker 1: going through something tough and that it's time to send
Speaker 1: them a quick note. That is what he did with
Speaker 1: an old university pal recently.
Speaker 2: I was like, you're okay, I hadn't he knew while
Speaker 2: just checking in to which I got a photo back
Speaker 2: of the Yoda statue at Skywalker Studios or something like that,
Speaker 2: and she's just like, yep, just finishing up at America.
Speaker 2: I'll be home soon. And I was like, that explains
Speaker 2: everything I checked, just in case.
Speaker 1: And that awkward feeling you experience when you think about
Speaker 1: calling up someone you haven't talked to in a while,
Speaker 1: that sort of h I better not, it might be
Speaker 1: kind of weird. Andy totally ignores that feeling.
Speaker 2: If you want to speak to that person, just speak
Speaker 2: to that person. If they don't want to speak to you,
Speaker 2: that's on. But if you care and you genuinely are
Speaker 2: interested and want to know what's going on in their life,
Speaker 2: just keep asking. I want to be a friend to them,
Speaker 2: regardless of whether they need it or not, because if
Speaker 2: they are ever in a position where they do need it,
Speaker 2: then I am already there.
Speaker 1: There's a chance you might find Andy's behavior a little intense.
Speaker 1: You might even worry that being this active in your
Speaker 1: friendships could see him pushy or annoying or like you
Speaker 1: can't take a hint. But Happiness research shows that Andy
Speaker 1: may actually be onto something.
Speaker 2: I feel happier and as if I am a better
Speaker 2: friend to these people.
Speaker 1: The special season of the Happiness Lab is all about
Speaker 1: how to become a better friend, and today we'll learn
Speaker 1: that checking in on our friends more often, even in
Speaker 1: a slightly persistent way, can be a critical part of
Speaker 1: happier friendships, which is something that Andy saw firsthand. In fact,
Speaker 1: as we'll hear in this episode, Andy learned that a
Speaker 1: simple text message at the right time can a huge impact.
Speaker 1: It can even mean the difference between life and death.
Speaker 1: Our minds are constantly telling us what to do to
Speaker 1: be happy. But what if our minds are wrong. What
Speaker 1: if our minds are lying to us, leading us away
Speaker 1: from what will really make us happy. The good news
Speaker 1: is that understanding the science of the mind can point
Speaker 1: us all back in the right direction. You're listening to
Speaker 1: the Happiness Lab well, Doctor Laurie Santos. I'll share more
Speaker 1: of Andy's story a bit later on, but first I
Speaker 1: want to explore why we assume that checking in on
Speaker 1: our friends could seem annoying, and why we often think
Speaker 1: it's not even necessary to learn more. I decided to
Speaker 1: tag in an expert on the misconceptions we bring to
Speaker 1: our friendships.
Speaker 3: Often we see only the veneer of people's lives.
Speaker 1: This is Peggylou, a professor at the University of Pittsburgh.
Speaker 3: We see relatively positive moments on people's social media, or
Speaker 3: we kind of just assume that people are going through
Speaker 3: life fine, but you often don't realize that you know
Speaker 3: someone might be going through something really difficult. They haven't
Speaker 3: made it public, and so just you showing that your
Speaker 3: thinking about them can really mean a lot more to
Speaker 3: someone than you actually realized.
Speaker 1: Peggy's research explorers why we don't connect with the people
Speaker 1: we care about as much as we should.
Speaker 3: If you ask people about the benefits of social connection,
Speaker 3: I think most people can tell you, yeah, it's great
Speaker 3: to be connected to others. But then if you actually
Speaker 3: ask people, do you feel connected to other people in
Speaker 3: your life? I think you often find that a lot
Speaker 3: of people feel quite disconnected with others.
Speaker 1: Peggy studies these failures to connect because it's a challenge
Speaker 1: that she's struggled with personally.
Speaker 3: So I have a four year old child, and prior
Speaker 3: to having a four year old child, I felt like
Speaker 3: I had a lot of time. You know, I was
Speaker 3: busy as a student, but I felt like I could
Speaker 3: see my friends a lot more often. But once you
Speaker 3: become a mom, you're sort of accustomed to just trying
Speaker 3: to deal with all the buyers that come with taking
Speaker 3: care of a child, and so you don't really have
Speaker 3: that moment to pause and text a friend.
Speaker 1: And Peggy wasn't alone here. Her friends and colleagues were
Speaker 1: going through exactly the same thing.
Speaker 3: We were just losing touch with a lot of people
Speaker 3: in our lives, and so we were wondering, you know,
Speaker 3: why might that be.
Speaker 1: Peggy and her academic colleagues decided to explore what was
Speaker 1: going wrong, and they found that simple business wasn't the
Speaker 1: only factor. And even bigger reason we failed to reach
Speaker 1: out is that we're pretty bad at accurately predicting what
Speaker 1: the people in our life want and need.
Speaker 3: When I'm thinking about reaching out to someone, I just
Speaker 3: get in my own head, and I think a lot
Speaker 3: of people do too, like, oh, they're probably busy, but
Speaker 3: you know, if I interrupt them, they might be like,
Speaker 3: why are you reaching out to me, what do you want?
Speaker 1: We wind up so focused on our own wants and
Speaker 1: needs that we forget to think about how a recipient
Speaker 1: will feel if we took the time to reach out.
Speaker 3: People are usually feel like, wow, that was a great experience.
Speaker 3: It really made my day that someone actually thought about me.
Speaker 1: Peggy has found that we're terrible at predicting how much
Speaker 1: other people will appreciate our efforts to get in touch.
Speaker 1: We know that we'd like it if a friend made contact,
Speaker 1: but somehow we just can't put ourselves in the other
Speaker 1: person's shoes.
Speaker 3: When thinking about initiating and interaction, we're thinking about how
Speaker 3: competent we come across, and the recipients just thinking about
Speaker 3: the warmth of this interaction or this warmth of this message.
Speaker 1: When you're the person who initiates a social gesture, when
Speaker 1: you're the reach your outer as it were, you want
Speaker 1: up very focused on your competence. You want to make
Speaker 1: sure you're doing it right, that you're not coming across
Speaker 1: as weird or boring or inconsiderate. But the person on
Speaker 1: the receiving end is judging the interaction by a completely
Speaker 1: different metric. They're more attuned to the warmth of your message,
Speaker 1: Did it sound sincere Does it show that you genuinely care?
Speaker 3: And so I think in that moment, you forget to
Speaker 3: think about the recipient's perspective, and you forget about that
Speaker 3: feeling of oh, wow, someone just texted me that thought
Speaker 3: about me and it's been so long and it's such
Speaker 3: a positive feeling.
Speaker 1: But there's a second way we mess up when it
Speaker 1: comes to thinking about our friend's perspectives. We fail to
Speaker 1: appreciate the psychological power of surprise.
Speaker 3: If you're the person thinking about reaching out to someone,
Speaker 3: almost by definition, out is not really that surprising. You're
Speaker 3: not really thinking about how they're going to feel surprised.
Speaker 3: You're thinking, oh, I'm thinking about reaching out.
Speaker 1: But research has shown that the surprising nature of a
Speaker 1: text or kind message can have a big impact on
Speaker 1: how our recipient interprets that gesture.
Speaker 3: Surprise amplifies how positive you feel. So if something positive happens,
Speaker 3: So if you find a little bit of money, let's say,
Speaker 3: and it's a surprise, you feel more positive than if
Speaker 3: you were expecting to get that same amount of money.
Speaker 1: The science suggests that giving someone a surprise text or
Speaker 1: call will have a positive impact on their moods, but
Speaker 1: our lying minds just can't see that. And if it's
Speaker 1: been weeks, months, or years since we last said hello,
Speaker 1: our lying minds become even more reluctant to re establish contact.
Speaker 3: The more that time passes, the more that you feel
Speaker 3: like it's a little bit awkward perhaps to reach out.
Speaker 3: And so I think that also contributes on top of
Speaker 3: all of these things that you have going on in
Speaker 3: your life that lead to these barriers to reaching out.
Speaker 1: Peggy and her colleagues wanted to find ways to break
Speaker 1: down all these psychological barriers to reaching out, so they
Speaker 1: joined forces to study just how badly people underestimate the
Speaker 1: benefits of connecting.
Speaker 3: We basically encountered students on campus and we asked them, hey,
Speaker 3: can you let us know the name and email address
Speaker 3: of someone that you've kind of lost touch with on
Speaker 3: the college campus. And so people who agreed to do
Speaker 3: that they were our initiators, and then they actually wrote
Speaker 3: a brief message to this person that they had sort
Speaker 3: of lost contact with, and then later that day we
Speaker 3: actually delivered that message via email on their behalf to
Speaker 3: the recipient. And then we asked those recipients, hey, how
Speaker 3: much do you appreciate having been reached out to. And
Speaker 3: we also asked the initiators to predict how much they
Speaker 3: thought the person that they had reached out to would
Speaker 3: appreciate it.
Speaker 1: On a scale of one not at all appreciative to
Speaker 1: five extremely appreciative. Initiators assumed their recipient would be somewhere
Speaker 1: around a four, but recipients who got that unexpected email
Speaker 1: so they were closer to a full five out of
Speaker 1: five on that appreciation scale. Seems like there's a disconnect
Speaker 1: when you think about you know, when I got reached
Speaker 1: out to, it felt awesome, but when I think about
Speaker 1: reaching out to someone else, I kind of can't access
Speaker 1: that awesome feeling in the same way.
Speaker 3: Yeah, and what we find is that do you think
Speaker 3: they probably felt positively, but you don't realize how positive
Speaker 3: that was.
Speaker 1: So far, we've heard that our reluctance to reach out
Speaker 1: to check in or restore a friendship that's fizzling out
Speaker 1: is bad for our happiness. But when we get back
Speaker 1: from the break, we'll see just how powerful a quick
Speaker 1: reach out can be for the person who receives our message.
Speaker 1: We'll see that making that first move and sending a
Speaker 1: quick text can sometimes have a way greater importance than
Speaker 1: we could possibly imagine.
Speaker 2: It was the most innocent, stupid message in the world,
Speaker 2: and it meant it meant my life to me.
Speaker 1: We'll hear more from hardcore friend Andy Salkin when The
Speaker 1: Happiness Lab returns.
Speaker 2: In a moment.
Speaker 1: Before we dive into the rest of the episode, I
Speaker 1: want to warn you that we'll be touching on a
Speaker 1: distressing but important topic, suicidality. If you are a friend
Speaker 1: is in crisis, know that help is available. If you're
Speaker 1: based in the US, you can call or text the
Speaker 1: nine to eight to eight Suicide and Crisis Lifeline. Similar
Speaker 1: services are available in pretty much every country, so if
Speaker 1: you need help, please please be sure to reach out.
Speaker 2: I wrote a book about being very sad. It's called
Speaker 2: Life Is a four letter word, and life really can
Speaker 2: be a four letter word at times.
Speaker 1: Author Andy Selkin eventually decided to change his approach to
Speaker 1: friendship because he vividly remembers what it's like to really
Speaker 1: need a friend.
Speaker 2: At the time, I believed I was a failure. I
Speaker 2: had failed in business. The business I was working for
Speaker 2: had failed. I had lost everything. I had failed as
Speaker 2: a husband. Because my wife wanted to leave me. She
Speaker 2: had gone through her own journey. I had failed as
Speaker 2: a son to my parents. I had failed as a
Speaker 2: brother to my siblings. I had failed as a parent
Speaker 2: to my two cats at the time, Sky and Roxy.
Speaker 2: And then my final and most egregious failing of all
Speaker 2: was I had failed as a human being because I
Speaker 2: lived with depression and I no longer felt emotions.
Speaker 1: Andy's sense of failure left him feeling more lost than
Speaker 1: he'd ever been.
Speaker 2: It is like you are in fog. It is like
Speaker 2: you are intrigual and you are just numb. That is
Speaker 2: the best way I can describe it.
Speaker 1: Andy's depression affected nearly everything he held dear, his performance
Speaker 1: at work, his sense of humor, and most importantly, his
Speaker 1: connection to the people around him.
Speaker 2: I felt utterly isolated and alone as I was going
Speaker 2: through the real depths of my depression. You just try
Speaker 2: to do it yourself, because you're like, well, if I
Speaker 2: can't get through this by myself, how am I ever
Speaker 2: going to get through anything else in the future ever?
Speaker 1: Again, Andy didn't want to be a burden, so he
Speaker 1: buried his anguish.
Speaker 2: I hid everything from people. You learn to put on
Speaker 2: a face or put on a mask, I would go
Speaker 2: to work, I would put on a suit, I would
Speaker 2: put on the face, go in, be the charming accountant,
Speaker 2: talk about how great things are and how positive the
Speaker 2: business outlook is and everything like that, and then I
Speaker 2: would get home, take the suit off, and be miserable
Speaker 2: all day.
Speaker 1: Every day, Andy felt like he was playing a role,
Speaker 1: just pretending that everything was okay.
Speaker 2: And that's not really a life at all. It's just
Speaker 2: a persona that you slot into.
Speaker 1: But Andy played that role well. No one knew what
Speaker 1: he was going through.
Speaker 2: No one would believe it when I said I had
Speaker 2: de press like no one believed it. No one ever
Speaker 2: thought about it. And that contributes to the exhaustion that
Speaker 2: you have because you are being somebody for someone else.
Speaker 1: Andy grew more and more exhausted from hiding all this pain.
Speaker 1: Eventually it became easier for him to hide away altogether.
Speaker 2: You recede inwards, you stop reaching out, and then you
Speaker 2: eventually start convincing yourself that actually, it's better for other
Speaker 2: people if I don't put my problems on them. And
Speaker 2: it's a very small step to go from actually they're
Speaker 2: better off not hearing about my problems to actually everyone
Speaker 2: is better off not having me in their lives.
Speaker 1: And that led Andy to a very very dark place.
Speaker 2: I had come to a conclusion that my death was
Speaker 2: the best thing for everyone in my life.
Speaker 1: So Andy spent weeks preparing to take his own life.
Speaker 2: So I was ready. I had like I was diligent
Speaker 2: about it, and yeah, it's still hard thinking about it.
Speaker 1: With everything taken care of, Andy decided that the fateful
Speaker 1: day to end his pain had finally come.
Speaker 2: I was in tears, like I was like, this is it.
Speaker 2: And then as I was getting ready, I heard my
Speaker 2: phone go and it was just a message from my
Speaker 2: best friend and it just said pop question mark, And
Speaker 2: it was a really simple message. It's the sort of
Speaker 2: message we sent each other and so on, and it's
Speaker 2: just a reminder that we were meant to be getting
Speaker 2: together and going to the pub.
Speaker 1: That friend was going through a rough patch too, and
Speaker 1: her three letter message stopped Andy and his tracks. If
Speaker 1: she was texting, it meant she might really need his help.
Speaker 2: It was just such a rush of emotions in that
Speaker 2: moment of kind of like, oh, wow, someone out there
Speaker 2: still wants me in their life, even when I am
Speaker 2: literally at the lowest point I possibly can be. There
Speaker 2: is still someone that wants to collect.
Speaker 1: So Andy did two things. First, he dashed off a
Speaker 1: quick reply.
Speaker 2: I was like sure, yeah, I can't remember the messages,
Speaker 2: but I was just like yeah, sure.
Speaker 1: But second, and much more importantly, he decided not to
Speaker 1: kill himself.
Speaker 2: I was still depressed, I was still down, I was
Speaker 2: still feeling all the rubbishness. But there was a reason there.
Speaker 2: There was a reason to keep going. And I will
Speaker 2: never be able to thank her enough for that day.
Speaker 1: From that day on, Andy dropped the mask he'd used
Speaker 1: to hide his suffering. For the first time. He became
Speaker 1: open about his depression and shared what was really going
Speaker 1: on life, and to his initial surprise, he got tons
Speaker 1: of support from friends and family members. Eventually, Andy was
Speaker 1: even able to open up to the friend whose text
Speaker 1: had saved his life.
Speaker 2: It took me about two years to tell her that
Speaker 2: this is what happened. And then she hit me and
Speaker 2: I was like, yeah, I've probably deserved that.
Speaker 1: Psychologist Peggyleu's research suggests that many of us might not
Speaker 1: have sent a friend like Andy that all important life
Speaker 1: saving text. We'd probably just have accepted his assurances that
Speaker 1: everything was fine. And when he dropped out of sight,
Speaker 1: we'd probably be reluctant to contact him. Her work suggests
Speaker 1: that most of us would fear looking rude or pushy,
Speaker 1: or like we can't take a hint, And that's exactly
Speaker 1: how Andy used to think. But after the break, we'll
Speaker 1: hear that Andy has very much turned things around. He's
Speaker 1: now committed to being the kind of friend we all
Speaker 1: needed our lowest points, and the kind of friend that
Speaker 1: science shows we should all try a little harder to be.
Speaker 1: The happiness lab will be right back.
Speaker 2: We all live such busy lives. Like taking the time
Speaker 2: to reach out check in It does. It takes time,
Speaker 2: but ultimately, if you care about these people, giving them
Speaker 2: your time is one hundred percent worth it and is
Speaker 2: not a cost. It is something you should be willing
Speaker 2: to give.
Speaker 1: After a one word text from a friend prevented him
Speaker 1: from taking his own life, Andy Selkins's mission is now
Speaker 1: to ensure that the people around him never feel as
Speaker 1: alone as he once did.
Speaker 2: If you want to reach out and communicate with someone,
Speaker 2: then do it regardless of what they think, because actually,
Speaker 2: nine times out of ten, whether they've said it or not,
Speaker 2: they probably want the same thing.
Speaker 1: Andy's first suggestion for becoming a more active friend is
Speaker 1: to commit to tracking the stuff that's going on in
Speaker 1: other people's lives, especially when they're going through the tough
Speaker 1: stuff layoffs, breakups, and bereavements.
Speaker 2: One of my best mates he lost his mum last year,
Speaker 2: and I've made a conscious effort to try to engage
Speaker 2: with him because he's a proud Yorkshireman that doesn't talk
Speaker 2: about feelings and everything like that, and I just try
Speaker 2: and be like, are you okay?
Speaker 1: That proud yorkshireman kept saying he was fine. But eventually
Speaker 1: Andy's persistence paid off. The pair met for a drink
Speaker 1: at a local brewery. They didn't talk about Andy's friends grief,
Speaker 1: but their time together was important for his healing, and.
Speaker 2: He's just kind of like, thank you for this, Like
Speaker 2: this is what I need. And I know I don't
Speaker 2: talk about it, but this is what i'd need.
Speaker 1: But we don't just need to check in when a
Speaker 1: friend has gone through a major loss or a life change.
Speaker 1: Andy also recommends paying attention to more subtle signs that
Speaker 1: a friend may be acting differently, like he did with
Speaker 1: one of his buddies after a night on the.
Speaker 2: Time we just finished dancing and they were waiting for
Speaker 2: a train home and they weren't really quiet, and there
Speaker 2: wasn't much conversation, like it was a natural time to
Speaker 2: go quiet. But they're quite a lively person. And I
Speaker 2: just sent them a message the next day and just
Speaker 2: went you okay, And it was like, of course I
Speaker 2: find and I was like, are you You went really quiet?
Speaker 2: And that's not like you. You don't have to answer anything,
Speaker 2: but I see you. I've noticed.
Speaker 1: But even when you notice and reach out, that doesn't
Speaker 1: necessarily mean people will reply, especially if they're hurting. Andy
Speaker 1: says you shouldn't jump to that conclusion that they're mad
Speaker 1: or annoyed with you for bothering them. What you should do,
Speaker 1: says Andy, is to keep trying.
Speaker 2: No matter how silly you might feel about sending a
Speaker 2: text message. Like I hear about all the time you
Speaker 2: send someone a message and they don't reply, like, oh,
Speaker 2: I can't send them another message now, I can't do that.
Speaker 2: That's a social folk pap and it's like, no, it's no.
Speaker 1: I really admire Andy's persistence and checking in on the
Speaker 1: people he cares about, but I'll be the first to
Speaker 1: admit it's not always easy. I know I still worry
Speaker 1: at least a little bit about texting someone out of
Speaker 1: the blue, that I might look stupid or that I'd
Speaker 1: be bothering them. And when I get that feeling, I
Speaker 1: like to think back to psychologists Peggy Lose research which
Speaker 1: shows that assumptions like these are usually wrong.
Speaker 3: I just try to tell people, hey, just think about
Speaker 3: the last time, like, really think about last time someone
Speaker 3: reach out to you, how did you feel? And so
Speaker 3: why don't you go ahead and do that for someone else?
Speaker 3: And that's really been something that's helped me, at least
Speaker 3: personally reach out to others, even in times when I thought, oh,
Speaker 3: maybe they don't want to hear from me.
Speaker 1: When we talked about Peggy's research earlier, we discussed the
Speaker 1: so called warmth competence bias. We get so caught up
Speaker 1: in how our message sounds that we forget how our
Speaker 1: recipient will take it, that they're just going to care
Speaker 1: about its emotional warmth. But Peggy has some suggestions for
Speaker 1: overcoming this bias. Her first recommendation, and keep it brief.
Speaker 3: So it can be hey, just thinking about you.
Speaker 1: A short written message also has other advantages over a
Speaker 1: phone or video call, so.
Speaker 3: In our research we do things like a text message
Speaker 3: or an email, and I think these types of more
Speaker 3: asynchronous communication allow people to figure out when they want
Speaker 3: to respond, and they also don't create a huge burden
Speaker 3: on the other person. You're not really asking them to
Speaker 3: engage in a long conversation with you, and so I
Speaker 3: try to engage in these brief messages, just like, Hey,
Speaker 3: hope you're doing well. Just thought of you for XYZ reason,
Speaker 3: and then hope everything is going well with you.
Speaker 1: Peggy also reminds us that tending to our friendships takes planning.
Speaker 1: She recommends periodically scrolling through your phone's contact list and
Speaker 1: noticing who you haven't connected with.
Speaker 3: Lately, and then I just send them a brief note
Speaker 3: and I try not to make anything super involved. You
Speaker 3: just want to say say, hey, hope things are going
Speaker 3: well in your life, or hope, just want to let
Speaker 3: you know I'm thinking about you.
Speaker 1: If it still seems too random for you, you might
Speaker 1: consider looking out for little excuses to drop a friend
Speaker 1: a quick.
Speaker 3: One when there's something natural that comes up, like something
Speaker 3: you saw in the news or some TV show. I
Speaker 3: think it can remove some of that concern about competence
Speaker 3: because you're, like I do have a good reason to
Speaker 3: just say I thought about you.
Speaker 1: After publishing her study on the power of reaching out,
Speaker 1: Peggy started using all of these tips herself, and she's
Speaker 1: seen the benefits. Her own sense of social connection has
Speaker 1: improved drastically. She's also proud that she's been able to
Speaker 1: support her friends through some unexpected challenges.
Speaker 3: One of our collaborators left academia for industry recently, and
Speaker 3: so I think sometimes, you know, when people go through
Speaker 3: major life changes, you often lose touch with your social
Speaker 3: circle as you form a new social circle. But I
Speaker 3: try to keep that connection going just occasionally checking and
Speaker 3: saying HI, just thought about you.
Speaker 1: That quick check in always feels great. But it's something
Speaker 1: that she and her colleagues wouldn't naturally have done before
Speaker 1: all their reaching out studies.
Speaker 3: I think it's nice because this research has prompted us
Speaker 3: to stay connected, in part because of the findings themselves,
Speaker 3: but also whenever there's some fun press piece that we
Speaker 3: actually send it to each other, so it's another prompter
Speaker 3: for us to connect to each other.
Speaker 1: And the press attention has helped Peggy form other connections too.
Speaker 3: It was interesting because this is one of the only
Speaker 3: projects that my mom has actually found interesting and so
Speaker 3: you know, in the past I've sent her things and
Speaker 3: she's like, this is nice, this is great. But I
Speaker 3: can tell she didn't really, you know, really think about
Speaker 3: the findings that much. But this is one where it
Speaker 3: actually led her to think back to her college classmates
Speaker 3: and it actually prompted her to reach out to some
Speaker 3: of them.
Speaker 1: Peggy also heard from people she hadn't talked to in forever.
Speaker 1: High school buddies saw the media coverage of her work
Speaker 1: and checked back in.
Speaker 3: Hey, we saw this and we thought, hey, we should
Speaker 3: actually reach out and say something to you. So that's
Speaker 3: been really cool too.
Speaker 1: Peggy says this ripple effect of more and more reaching
Speaker 1: out is one of the best parts of doing this research.
Speaker 3: I got an email from a stranger right around when
Speaker 3: some of this press was coming out in the beginning,
Speaker 3: where someone said, Hey, this actually meant a lot more
Speaker 3: to me than the other person realized.
Speaker 1: That emailer was speaking for so many of us. We
Speaker 1: love it when our friends check in with a warm
Speaker 1: message the show they care, or when an old pal
Speaker 1: tries to rekindle a dormant relationship. With the right strategies,
Speaker 1: we can get that same great feeling to the people
Speaker 1: we care about. It's a practice that now active friend
Speaker 1: Andy Salkin simply can't recommend enough.
Speaker 2: Just reach out like. It doesn't have to be much.
Speaker 2: You don't have to have a like a delicately crafted
Speaker 2: and perfectly punctuated message, like. It doesn't have to be
Speaker 2: a poem or sonnet or something just pub question mark.
Speaker 2: It's enough. It's enough to save a life.
Speaker 1: Talking to Andy has convinced me that we rarely realize
Speaker 1: how helpful a quick check in can be. Our lying
Speaker 1: minds tell us that people already know we care and
Speaker 1: that they're probably doing fine. That, combined with the busyness
Speaker 1: of life, means we can neglect the people we love
Speaker 1: and that we sometimes let friendships we care about Dwendolin fade.
Speaker 1: But Andy's story shows us it doesn't have to be
Speaker 1: that way. So why not grab your phone right now
Speaker 1: and scroll through your contact list. If you see a
Speaker 1: name you haven't connected within a while, drop that person
Speaker 1: a quick line, just a hey, how's it going? Or
Speaker 1: thinking of you? Your text might not save someone's life,
Speaker 1: but the science shows it'll probably make you and someone
Speaker 1: you care about a little happier. The Happiness Lab is
Speaker 1: co written and produced by Ryan Dilly. Our original music
Speaker 1: was composed by Zachary Silver, with additional scoring, mixing and
Speaker 1: mastering by Evan Viola. Jess Shane and Alice Vines offered
Speaker 1: additional production support. Special thanks to my agent, Ben Davis
Speaker 1: and all of the Pushkin Crow. The Happiness Lab is
Speaker 1: brought to you by Pushkin Industries and me, Doctor Laurie
Speaker 1: Santa Yes