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Speaker 1: Pushkin.

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Speaker 2: When I was going through my twenties early thirties, it

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Speaker 2: was very easy to be passively friends because most people

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Speaker 2: will never tell you the honest truth of what's going on.

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Speaker 1: This is Andy Sulkin. As you've probably noticed from his accent.

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Speaker 1: Andy is British, the country he's from isn't exactly known

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Speaker 1: for its emotional openness. But no matter where you're from,

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Speaker 1: I'm guessing you may be able to resonate with Andy's

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Speaker 1: experience of friendship.

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Speaker 2: We'll all just go you're right, and people will go, yeah,

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Speaker 2: of course I'm fine.

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Speaker 1: But a few years ago Andy decided to make a

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Speaker 1: big change. He decided to stop being so passive with

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Speaker 1: the people he cared about.

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Speaker 2: I now feel more active in every friendship I have.

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Speaker 1: If a friend who seems like they're having a tough

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Speaker 1: day says I'm fine, Andy will reply.

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Speaker 2: Are you all right? You don't seem all right.

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Speaker 1: Andy's also increased the frequency with which he checks in

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Speaker 1: on people. He texts his friends regularly, even those who

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Speaker 1: don't always write back.

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Speaker 2: Sometimes they need prompting.

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Speaker 1: If Andy hasn't heard from a friend in a while,

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Speaker 1: he takes that as a sign that they may be

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Speaker 1: going through something tough and that it's time to send

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Speaker 1: them a quick note. That is what he did with

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Speaker 1: an old university pal recently.

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Speaker 2: I was like, you're okay, I hadn't he knew while

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Speaker 2: just checking in to which I got a photo back

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Speaker 2: of the Yoda statue at Skywalker Studios or something like that,

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Speaker 2: and she's just like, yep, just finishing up at America.

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Speaker 2: I'll be home soon. And I was like, that explains

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Speaker 2: everything I checked, just in case.

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Speaker 1: And that awkward feeling you experience when you think about

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Speaker 1: calling up someone you haven't talked to in a while,

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Speaker 1: that sort of h I better not, it might be

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Speaker 1: kind of weird. Andy totally ignores that feeling.

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Speaker 2: If you want to speak to that person, just speak

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Speaker 2: to that person. If they don't want to speak to you,

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Speaker 2: that's on. But if you care and you genuinely are

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Speaker 2: interested and want to know what's going on in their life,

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Speaker 2: just keep asking. I want to be a friend to them,

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Speaker 2: regardless of whether they need it or not, because if

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Speaker 2: they are ever in a position where they do need it,

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Speaker 2: then I am already there.

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Speaker 1: There's a chance you might find Andy's behavior a little intense.

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Speaker 1: You might even worry that being this active in your

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Speaker 1: friendships could see him pushy or annoying or like you

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Speaker 1: can't take a hint. But Happiness research shows that Andy

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Speaker 1: may actually be onto something.

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Speaker 2: I feel happier and as if I am a better

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Speaker 2: friend to these people.

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Speaker 1: The special season of the Happiness Lab is all about

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Speaker 1: how to become a better friend, and today we'll learn

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Speaker 1: that checking in on our friends more often, even in

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Speaker 1: a slightly persistent way, can be a critical part of

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Speaker 1: happier friendships, which is something that Andy saw firsthand. In fact,

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Speaker 1: as we'll hear in this episode, Andy learned that a

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Speaker 1: simple text message at the right time can a huge impact.

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Speaker 1: It can even mean the difference between life and death.

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Speaker 1: Our minds are constantly telling us what to do to

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Speaker 1: be happy. But what if our minds are wrong. What

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Speaker 1: if our minds are lying to us, leading us away

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Speaker 1: from what will really make us happy. The good news

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Speaker 1: is that understanding the science of the mind can point

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Speaker 1: us all back in the right direction. You're listening to

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Speaker 1: the Happiness Lab well, Doctor Laurie Santos. I'll share more

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Speaker 1: of Andy's story a bit later on, but first I

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Speaker 1: want to explore why we assume that checking in on

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Speaker 1: our friends could seem annoying, and why we often think

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Speaker 1: it's not even necessary to learn more. I decided to

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Speaker 1: tag in an expert on the misconceptions we bring to

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Speaker 1: our friendships.

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Speaker 3: Often we see only the veneer of people's lives.

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Speaker 1: This is Peggylou, a professor at the University of Pittsburgh.

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Speaker 3: We see relatively positive moments on people's social media, or

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Speaker 3: we kind of just assume that people are going through

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Speaker 3: life fine, but you often don't realize that you know

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Speaker 3: someone might be going through something really difficult. They haven't

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Speaker 3: made it public, and so just you showing that your

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Speaker 3: thinking about them can really mean a lot more to

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Speaker 3: someone than you actually realized.

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Speaker 1: Peggy's research explorers why we don't connect with the people

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Speaker 1: we care about as much as we should.

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Speaker 3: If you ask people about the benefits of social connection,

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Speaker 3: I think most people can tell you, yeah, it's great

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Speaker 3: to be connected to others. But then if you actually

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Speaker 3: ask people, do you feel connected to other people in

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Speaker 3: your life? I think you often find that a lot

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Speaker 3: of people feel quite disconnected with others.

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Speaker 1: Peggy studies these failures to connect because it's a challenge

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Speaker 1: that she's struggled with personally.

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Speaker 3: So I have a four year old child, and prior

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Speaker 3: to having a four year old child, I felt like

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Speaker 3: I had a lot of time. You know, I was

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Speaker 3: busy as a student, but I felt like I could

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Speaker 3: see my friends a lot more often. But once you

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Speaker 3: become a mom, you're sort of accustomed to just trying

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Speaker 3: to deal with all the buyers that come with taking

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Speaker 3: care of a child, and so you don't really have

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Speaker 3: that moment to pause and text a friend.

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Speaker 1: And Peggy wasn't alone here. Her friends and colleagues were

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Speaker 1: going through exactly the same thing.

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Speaker 3: We were just losing touch with a lot of people

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Speaker 3: in our lives, and so we were wondering, you know,

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Speaker 3: why might that be.

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Speaker 1: Peggy and her academic colleagues decided to explore what was

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Speaker 1: going wrong, and they found that simple business wasn't the

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Speaker 1: only factor. And even bigger reason we failed to reach

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Speaker 1: out is that we're pretty bad at accurately predicting what

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Speaker 1: the people in our life want and need.

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Speaker 3: When I'm thinking about reaching out to someone, I just

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Speaker 3: get in my own head, and I think a lot

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Speaker 3: of people do too, like, oh, they're probably busy, but

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Speaker 3: you know, if I interrupt them, they might be like,

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Speaker 3: why are you reaching out to me, what do you want?

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Speaker 1: We wind up so focused on our own wants and

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Speaker 1: needs that we forget to think about how a recipient

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Speaker 1: will feel if we took the time to reach out.

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Speaker 3: People are usually feel like, wow, that was a great experience.

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Speaker 3: It really made my day that someone actually thought about me.

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Speaker 1: Peggy has found that we're terrible at predicting how much

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Speaker 1: other people will appreciate our efforts to get in touch.

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Speaker 1: We know that we'd like it if a friend made contact,

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Speaker 1: but somehow we just can't put ourselves in the other

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Speaker 1: person's shoes.

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Speaker 3: When thinking about initiating and interaction, we're thinking about how

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Speaker 3: competent we come across, and the recipients just thinking about

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Speaker 3: the warmth of this interaction or this warmth of this message.

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Speaker 1: When you're the person who initiates a social gesture, when

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Speaker 1: you're the reach your outer as it were, you want

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Speaker 1: up very focused on your competence. You want to make

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Speaker 1: sure you're doing it right, that you're not coming across

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Speaker 1: as weird or boring or inconsiderate. But the person on

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Speaker 1: the receiving end is judging the interaction by a completely

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Speaker 1: different metric. They're more attuned to the warmth of your message,

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Speaker 1: Did it sound sincere Does it show that you genuinely care?

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Speaker 3: And so I think in that moment, you forget to

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Speaker 3: think about the recipient's perspective, and you forget about that

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Speaker 3: feeling of oh, wow, someone just texted me that thought

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Speaker 3: about me and it's been so long and it's such

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Speaker 3: a positive feeling.

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Speaker 1: But there's a second way we mess up when it

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Speaker 1: comes to thinking about our friend's perspectives. We fail to

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Speaker 1: appreciate the psychological power of surprise.

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Speaker 3: If you're the person thinking about reaching out to someone,

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Speaker 3: almost by definition, out is not really that surprising. You're

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Speaker 3: not really thinking about how they're going to feel surprised.

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Speaker 3: You're thinking, oh, I'm thinking about reaching out.

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Speaker 1: But research has shown that the surprising nature of a

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Speaker 1: text or kind message can have a big impact on

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Speaker 1: how our recipient interprets that gesture.

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Speaker 3: Surprise amplifies how positive you feel. So if something positive happens,

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Speaker 3: So if you find a little bit of money, let's say,

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Speaker 3: and it's a surprise, you feel more positive than if

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Speaker 3: you were expecting to get that same amount of money.

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Speaker 1: The science suggests that giving someone a surprise text or

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Speaker 1: call will have a positive impact on their moods, but

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Speaker 1: our lying minds just can't see that. And if it's

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Speaker 1: been weeks, months, or years since we last said hello,

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Speaker 1: our lying minds become even more reluctant to re establish contact.

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Speaker 3: The more that time passes, the more that you feel

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Speaker 3: like it's a little bit awkward perhaps to reach out.

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Speaker 3: And so I think that also contributes on top of

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Speaker 3: all of these things that you have going on in

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Speaker 3: your life that lead to these barriers to reaching out.

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Speaker 1: Peggy and her colleagues wanted to find ways to break

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Speaker 1: down all these psychological barriers to reaching out, so they

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Speaker 1: joined forces to study just how badly people underestimate the

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Speaker 1: benefits of connecting.

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Speaker 3: We basically encountered students on campus and we asked them, hey,

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Speaker 3: can you let us know the name and email address

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Speaker 3: of someone that you've kind of lost touch with on

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Speaker 3: the college campus. And so people who agreed to do

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Speaker 3: that they were our initiators, and then they actually wrote

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Speaker 3: a brief message to this person that they had sort

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Speaker 3: of lost contact with, and then later that day we

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Speaker 3: actually delivered that message via email on their behalf to

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Speaker 3: the recipient. And then we asked those recipients, hey, how

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Speaker 3: much do you appreciate having been reached out to. And

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Speaker 3: we also asked the initiators to predict how much they

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Speaker 3: thought the person that they had reached out to would

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Speaker 3: appreciate it.

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Speaker 1: On a scale of one not at all appreciative to

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Speaker 1: five extremely appreciative. Initiators assumed their recipient would be somewhere

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Speaker 1: around a four, but recipients who got that unexpected email

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Speaker 1: so they were closer to a full five out of

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Speaker 1: five on that appreciation scale. Seems like there's a disconnect

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Speaker 1: when you think about you know, when I got reached

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Speaker 1: out to, it felt awesome, but when I think about

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Speaker 1: reaching out to someone else, I kind of can't access

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Speaker 1: that awesome feeling in the same way.

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Speaker 3: Yeah, and what we find is that do you think

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Speaker 3: they probably felt positively, but you don't realize how positive

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Speaker 3: that was.

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Speaker 1: So far, we've heard that our reluctance to reach out

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Speaker 1: to check in or restore a friendship that's fizzling out

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Speaker 1: is bad for our happiness. But when we get back

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Speaker 1: from the break, we'll see just how powerful a quick

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Speaker 1: reach out can be for the person who receives our message.

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Speaker 1: We'll see that making that first move and sending a

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Speaker 1: quick text can sometimes have a way greater importance than

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Speaker 1: we could possibly imagine.

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Speaker 2: It was the most innocent, stupid message in the world,

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Speaker 2: and it meant it meant my life to me.

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Speaker 1: We'll hear more from hardcore friend Andy Salkin when The

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Speaker 1: Happiness Lab returns.

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Speaker 2: In a moment.

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Speaker 1: Before we dive into the rest of the episode, I

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Speaker 1: want to warn you that we'll be touching on a

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Speaker 1: distressing but important topic, suicidality. If you are a friend

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Speaker 1: is in crisis, know that help is available. If you're

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Speaker 1: based in the US, you can call or text the

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Speaker 1: nine to eight to eight Suicide and Crisis Lifeline. Similar

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Speaker 1: services are available in pretty much every country, so if

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Speaker 1: you need help, please please be sure to reach out.

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Speaker 2: I wrote a book about being very sad. It's called

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Speaker 2: Life Is a four letter word, and life really can

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Speaker 2: be a four letter word at times.

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Speaker 1: Author Andy Selkin eventually decided to change his approach to

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Speaker 1: friendship because he vividly remembers what it's like to really

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Speaker 1: need a friend.

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Speaker 2: At the time, I believed I was a failure. I

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Speaker 2: had failed in business. The business I was working for

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Speaker 2: had failed. I had lost everything. I had failed as

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Speaker 2: a husband. Because my wife wanted to leave me. She

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Speaker 2: had gone through her own journey. I had failed as

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Speaker 2: a son to my parents. I had failed as a

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Speaker 2: brother to my siblings. I had failed as a parent

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Speaker 2: to my two cats at the time, Sky and Roxy.

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Speaker 2: And then my final and most egregious failing of all

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Speaker 2: was I had failed as a human being because I

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Speaker 2: lived with depression and I no longer felt emotions.

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Speaker 1: Andy's sense of failure left him feeling more lost than

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Speaker 1: he'd ever been.

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Speaker 2: It is like you are in fog. It is like

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Speaker 2: you are intrigual and you are just numb. That is

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Speaker 2: the best way I can describe it.

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Speaker 1: Andy's depression affected nearly everything he held dear, his performance

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Speaker 1: at work, his sense of humor, and most importantly, his

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Speaker 1: connection to the people around him.

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Speaker 2: I felt utterly isolated and alone as I was going

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Speaker 2: through the real depths of my depression. You just try

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Speaker 2: to do it yourself, because you're like, well, if I

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Speaker 2: can't get through this by myself, how am I ever

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Speaker 2: going to get through anything else in the future ever?

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Speaker 1: Again, Andy didn't want to be a burden, so he

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Speaker 1: buried his anguish.

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Speaker 2: I hid everything from people. You learn to put on

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Speaker 2: a face or put on a mask, I would go

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Speaker 2: to work, I would put on a suit, I would

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Speaker 2: put on the face, go in, be the charming accountant,

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Speaker 2: talk about how great things are and how positive the

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Speaker 2: business outlook is and everything like that, and then I

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Speaker 2: would get home, take the suit off, and be miserable

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Speaker 2: all day.

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Speaker 1: Every day, Andy felt like he was playing a role,

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Speaker 1: just pretending that everything was okay.

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Speaker 2: And that's not really a life at all. It's just

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Speaker 2: a persona that you slot into.

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Speaker 1: But Andy played that role well. No one knew what

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Speaker 1: he was going through.

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Speaker 2: No one would believe it when I said I had

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Speaker 2: de press like no one believed it. No one ever

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Speaker 2: thought about it. And that contributes to the exhaustion that

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Speaker 2: you have because you are being somebody for someone else.

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Speaker 1: Andy grew more and more exhausted from hiding all this pain.

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Speaker 1: Eventually it became easier for him to hide away altogether.

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Speaker 2: You recede inwards, you stop reaching out, and then you

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Speaker 2: eventually start convincing yourself that actually, it's better for other

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Speaker 2: people if I don't put my problems on them. And

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Speaker 2: it's a very small step to go from actually they're

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Speaker 2: better off not hearing about my problems to actually everyone

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Speaker 2: is better off not having me in their lives.

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Speaker 1: And that led Andy to a very very dark place.

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Speaker 2: I had come to a conclusion that my death was

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Speaker 2: the best thing for everyone in my life.

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Speaker 1: So Andy spent weeks preparing to take his own life.

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Speaker 2: So I was ready. I had like I was diligent

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Speaker 2: about it, and yeah, it's still hard thinking about it.

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Speaker 1: With everything taken care of, Andy decided that the fateful

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Speaker 1: day to end his pain had finally come.

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Speaker 2: I was in tears, like I was like, this is it.

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Speaker 2: And then as I was getting ready, I heard my

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Speaker 2: phone go and it was just a message from my

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Speaker 2: best friend and it just said pop question mark, And

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Speaker 2: it was a really simple message. It's the sort of

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Speaker 2: message we sent each other and so on, and it's

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Speaker 2: just a reminder that we were meant to be getting

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Speaker 2: together and going to the pub.

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Speaker 1: That friend was going through a rough patch too, and

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Speaker 1: her three letter message stopped Andy and his tracks. If

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Speaker 1: she was texting, it meant she might really need his help.

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Speaker 2: It was just such a rush of emotions in that

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Speaker 2: moment of kind of like, oh, wow, someone out there

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Speaker 2: still wants me in their life, even when I am

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Speaker 2: literally at the lowest point I possibly can be. There

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Speaker 2: is still someone that wants to collect.

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Speaker 1: So Andy did two things. First, he dashed off a

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Speaker 1: quick reply.

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Speaker 2: I was like sure, yeah, I can't remember the messages,

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Speaker 2: but I was just like yeah, sure.

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Speaker 1: But second, and much more importantly, he decided not to

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Speaker 1: kill himself.

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Speaker 2: I was still depressed, I was still down, I was

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Speaker 2: still feeling all the rubbishness. But there was a reason there.

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Speaker 2: There was a reason to keep going. And I will

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Speaker 2: never be able to thank her enough for that day.

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Speaker 1: From that day on, Andy dropped the mask he'd used

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Speaker 1: to hide his suffering. For the first time. He became

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Speaker 1: open about his depression and shared what was really going

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Speaker 1: on life, and to his initial surprise, he got tons

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Speaker 1: of support from friends and family members. Eventually, Andy was

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Speaker 1: even able to open up to the friend whose text

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Speaker 1: had saved his life.

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Speaker 2: It took me about two years to tell her that

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Speaker 2: this is what happened. And then she hit me and

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Speaker 2: I was like, yeah, I've probably deserved that.

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Speaker 1: Psychologist Peggyleu's research suggests that many of us might not

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Speaker 1: have sent a friend like Andy that all important life

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Speaker 1: saving text. We'd probably just have accepted his assurances that

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Speaker 1: everything was fine. And when he dropped out of sight,

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Speaker 1: we'd probably be reluctant to contact him. Her work suggests

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Speaker 1: that most of us would fear looking rude or pushy,

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Speaker 1: or like we can't take a hint, And that's exactly

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Speaker 1: how Andy used to think. But after the break, we'll

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Speaker 1: hear that Andy has very much turned things around. He's

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Speaker 1: now committed to being the kind of friend we all

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Speaker 1: needed our lowest points, and the kind of friend that

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Speaker 1: science shows we should all try a little harder to be.

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Speaker 1: The happiness lab will be right back.

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Speaker 2: We all live such busy lives. Like taking the time

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Speaker 2: to reach out check in It does. It takes time,

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Speaker 2: but ultimately, if you care about these people, giving them

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Speaker 2: your time is one hundred percent worth it and is

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Speaker 2: not a cost. It is something you should be willing

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Speaker 2: to give.

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Speaker 1: After a one word text from a friend prevented him

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Speaker 1: from taking his own life, Andy Selkins's mission is now

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Speaker 1: to ensure that the people around him never feel as

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Speaker 1: alone as he once did.

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Speaker 2: If you want to reach out and communicate with someone,

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Speaker 2: then do it regardless of what they think, because actually,

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Speaker 2: nine times out of ten, whether they've said it or not,

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Speaker 2: they probably want the same thing.

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Speaker 1: Andy's first suggestion for becoming a more active friend is

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Speaker 1: to commit to tracking the stuff that's going on in

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Speaker 1: other people's lives, especially when they're going through the tough

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Speaker 1: stuff layoffs, breakups, and bereavements.

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Speaker 2: One of my best mates he lost his mum last year,

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Speaker 2: and I've made a conscious effort to try to engage

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Speaker 2: with him because he's a proud Yorkshireman that doesn't talk

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Speaker 2: about feelings and everything like that, and I just try

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Speaker 2: and be like, are you okay?

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Speaker 1: That proud yorkshireman kept saying he was fine. But eventually

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Speaker 1: Andy's persistence paid off. The pair met for a drink

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Speaker 1: at a local brewery. They didn't talk about Andy's friends grief,

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Speaker 1: but their time together was important for his healing, and.

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Speaker 2: He's just kind of like, thank you for this, Like

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Speaker 2: this is what I need. And I know I don't

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Speaker 2: talk about it, but this is what i'd need.

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Speaker 1: But we don't just need to check in when a

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Speaker 1: friend has gone through a major loss or a life change.

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Speaker 1: Andy also recommends paying attention to more subtle signs that

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Speaker 1: a friend may be acting differently, like he did with

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Speaker 1: one of his buddies after a night on the.

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Speaker 2: Time we just finished dancing and they were waiting for

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Speaker 2: a train home and they weren't really quiet, and there

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Speaker 2: wasn't much conversation, like it was a natural time to

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Speaker 2: go quiet. But they're quite a lively person. And I

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00:19:20,916 --> 00:19:22,596
Speaker 2: just sent them a message the next day and just

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Speaker 2: went you okay, And it was like, of course I

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Speaker 2: find and I was like, are you You went really quiet?

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Speaker 2: And that's not like you. You don't have to answer anything,

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Speaker 2: but I see you. I've noticed.

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Speaker 1: But even when you notice and reach out, that doesn't

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Speaker 1: necessarily mean people will reply, especially if they're hurting. Andy

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Speaker 1: says you shouldn't jump to that conclusion that they're mad

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Speaker 1: or annoyed with you for bothering them. What you should do,

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Speaker 1: says Andy, is to keep trying.

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Speaker 2: No matter how silly you might feel about sending a

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Speaker 2: text message. Like I hear about all the time you

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Speaker 2: send someone a message and they don't reply, like, oh,

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Speaker 2: I can't send them another message now, I can't do that.

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00:20:07,716 --> 00:20:11,316
Speaker 2: That's a social folk pap and it's like, no, it's no.

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Speaker 1: I really admire Andy's persistence and checking in on the

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Speaker 1: people he cares about, but I'll be the first to

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Speaker 1: admit it's not always easy. I know I still worry

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Speaker 1: at least a little bit about texting someone out of

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Speaker 1: the blue, that I might look stupid or that I'd

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Speaker 1: be bothering them. And when I get that feeling, I

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00:20:28,076 --> 00:20:31,116
Speaker 1: like to think back to psychologists Peggy Lose research which

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Speaker 1: shows that assumptions like these are usually wrong.

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Speaker 3: I just try to tell people, hey, just think about

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Speaker 3: the last time, like, really think about last time someone

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00:20:39,156 --> 00:20:41,396
Speaker 3: reach out to you, how did you feel? And so

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Speaker 3: why don't you go ahead and do that for someone else?

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Speaker 3: And that's really been something that's helped me, at least

399
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Speaker 3: personally reach out to others, even in times when I thought, oh,

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Speaker 3: maybe they don't want to hear from me.

401
00:20:52,276 --> 00:20:55,036
Speaker 1: When we talked about Peggy's research earlier, we discussed the

402
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Speaker 1: so called warmth competence bias. We get so caught up

403
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Speaker 1: in how our message sounds that we forget how our

404
00:21:00,476 --> 00:21:02,916
Speaker 1: recipient will take it, that they're just going to care

405
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Speaker 1: about its emotional warmth. But Peggy has some suggestions for

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Speaker 1: overcoming this bias. Her first recommendation, and keep it brief.

407
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Speaker 3: So it can be hey, just thinking about you.

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00:21:12,516 --> 00:21:15,476
Speaker 1: A short written message also has other advantages over a

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Speaker 1: phone or video call, so.

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Speaker 3: In our research we do things like a text message

411
00:21:19,356 --> 00:21:21,436
Speaker 3: or an email, and I think these types of more

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00:21:21,476 --> 00:21:25,396
Speaker 3: asynchronous communication allow people to figure out when they want

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Speaker 3: to respond, and they also don't create a huge burden

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Speaker 3: on the other person. You're not really asking them to

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Speaker 3: engage in a long conversation with you, and so I

416
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Speaker 3: try to engage in these brief messages, just like, Hey,

417
00:21:36,116 --> 00:21:39,236
Speaker 3: hope you're doing well. Just thought of you for XYZ reason,

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Speaker 3: and then hope everything is going well with you.

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Speaker 1: Peggy also reminds us that tending to our friendships takes planning.

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Speaker 1: She recommends periodically scrolling through your phone's contact list and

421
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Speaker 1: noticing who you haven't connected with.

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Speaker 3: Lately, and then I just send them a brief note

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Speaker 3: and I try not to make anything super involved. You

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Speaker 3: just want to say say, hey, hope things are going

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Speaker 3: well in your life, or hope, just want to let

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Speaker 3: you know I'm thinking about you.

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Speaker 1: If it still seems too random for you, you might

428
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Speaker 1: consider looking out for little excuses to drop a friend

429
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Speaker 1: a quick.

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Speaker 3: One when there's something natural that comes up, like something

431
00:22:11,956 --> 00:22:14,836
Speaker 3: you saw in the news or some TV show. I

432
00:22:14,876 --> 00:22:17,276
Speaker 3: think it can remove some of that concern about competence

433
00:22:17,316 --> 00:22:19,116
Speaker 3: because you're, like I do have a good reason to

434
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Speaker 3: just say I thought about you.

435
00:22:21,316 --> 00:22:23,596
Speaker 1: After publishing her study on the power of reaching out,

436
00:22:23,956 --> 00:22:26,716
Speaker 1: Peggy started using all of these tips herself, and she's

437
00:22:26,716 --> 00:22:29,956
Speaker 1: seen the benefits. Her own sense of social connection has

438
00:22:29,996 --> 00:22:33,316
Speaker 1: improved drastically. She's also proud that she's been able to

439
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Speaker 1: support her friends through some unexpected challenges.

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Speaker 3: One of our collaborators left academia for industry recently, and

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Speaker 3: so I think sometimes, you know, when people go through

442
00:22:42,796 --> 00:22:46,196
Speaker 3: major life changes, you often lose touch with your social

443
00:22:46,196 --> 00:22:48,676
Speaker 3: circle as you form a new social circle. But I

444
00:22:48,756 --> 00:22:52,636
Speaker 3: try to keep that connection going just occasionally checking and

445
00:22:52,676 --> 00:22:54,276
Speaker 3: saying HI, just thought about you.

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00:22:55,196 --> 00:22:58,196
Speaker 1: That quick check in always feels great. But it's something

447
00:22:58,236 --> 00:23:00,916
Speaker 1: that she and her colleagues wouldn't naturally have done before

448
00:23:00,956 --> 00:23:02,196
Speaker 1: all their reaching out studies.

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00:23:02,516 --> 00:23:05,916
Speaker 3: I think it's nice because this research has prompted us

450
00:23:05,956 --> 00:23:10,396
Speaker 3: to stay connected, in part because of the findings themselves,

451
00:23:10,556 --> 00:23:13,716
Speaker 3: but also whenever there's some fun press piece that we

452
00:23:13,756 --> 00:23:16,156
Speaker 3: actually send it to each other, so it's another prompter

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00:23:16,396 --> 00:23:17,796
Speaker 3: for us to connect to each other.

454
00:23:18,436 --> 00:23:21,476
Speaker 1: And the press attention has helped Peggy form other connections too.

455
00:23:21,916 --> 00:23:23,996
Speaker 3: It was interesting because this is one of the only

456
00:23:24,036 --> 00:23:27,916
Speaker 3: projects that my mom has actually found interesting and so

457
00:23:28,076 --> 00:23:30,996
Speaker 3: you know, in the past I've sent her things and

458
00:23:31,036 --> 00:23:33,316
Speaker 3: she's like, this is nice, this is great. But I

459
00:23:33,316 --> 00:23:36,516
Speaker 3: can tell she didn't really, you know, really think about

460
00:23:36,556 --> 00:23:39,156
Speaker 3: the findings that much. But this is one where it

461
00:23:39,236 --> 00:23:41,996
Speaker 3: actually led her to think back to her college classmates

462
00:23:41,996 --> 00:23:44,396
Speaker 3: and it actually prompted her to reach out to some

463
00:23:44,516 --> 00:23:44,876
Speaker 3: of them.

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00:23:45,396 --> 00:23:47,996
Speaker 1: Peggy also heard from people she hadn't talked to in forever.

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00:23:48,556 --> 00:23:50,916
Speaker 1: High school buddies saw the media coverage of her work

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00:23:50,996 --> 00:23:51,756
Speaker 1: and checked back in.

467
00:23:52,076 --> 00:23:54,436
Speaker 3: Hey, we saw this and we thought, hey, we should

468
00:23:54,476 --> 00:23:57,036
Speaker 3: actually reach out and say something to you. So that's

469
00:23:57,076 --> 00:23:58,076
Speaker 3: been really cool too.

470
00:23:58,836 --> 00:24:01,356
Speaker 1: Peggy says this ripple effect of more and more reaching

471
00:24:01,396 --> 00:24:03,636
Speaker 1: out is one of the best parts of doing this research.

472
00:24:04,076 --> 00:24:06,916
Speaker 3: I got an email from a stranger right around when

473
00:24:06,996 --> 00:24:09,316
Speaker 3: some of this press was coming out in the beginning,

474
00:24:09,556 --> 00:24:12,436
Speaker 3: where someone said, Hey, this actually meant a lot more

475
00:24:12,476 --> 00:24:15,636
Speaker 3: to me than the other person realized.

476
00:24:15,516 --> 00:24:18,596
Speaker 1: That emailer was speaking for so many of us. We

477
00:24:18,676 --> 00:24:20,636
Speaker 1: love it when our friends check in with a warm

478
00:24:20,716 --> 00:24:23,236
Speaker 1: message the show they care, or when an old pal

479
00:24:23,316 --> 00:24:27,196
Speaker 1: tries to rekindle a dormant relationship. With the right strategies,

480
00:24:27,276 --> 00:24:29,436
Speaker 1: we can get that same great feeling to the people

481
00:24:29,516 --> 00:24:32,796
Speaker 1: we care about. It's a practice that now active friend

482
00:24:32,836 --> 00:24:35,236
Speaker 1: Andy Salkin simply can't recommend enough.

483
00:24:35,916 --> 00:24:38,156
Speaker 2: Just reach out like. It doesn't have to be much.

484
00:24:38,196 --> 00:24:41,876
Speaker 2: You don't have to have a like a delicately crafted

485
00:24:41,956 --> 00:24:45,756
Speaker 2: and perfectly punctuated message, like. It doesn't have to be

486
00:24:45,796 --> 00:24:50,996
Speaker 2: a poem or sonnet or something just pub question mark.

487
00:24:53,196 --> 00:24:55,716
Speaker 2: It's enough. It's enough to save a life.

488
00:24:56,356 --> 00:24:59,116
Speaker 1: Talking to Andy has convinced me that we rarely realize

489
00:24:59,156 --> 00:25:02,196
Speaker 1: how helpful a quick check in can be. Our lying

490
00:25:02,236 --> 00:25:04,756
Speaker 1: minds tell us that people already know we care and

491
00:25:04,796 --> 00:25:08,356
Speaker 1: that they're probably doing fine. That, combined with the busyness

492
00:25:08,436 --> 00:25:10,996
Speaker 1: of life, means we can neglect the people we love

493
00:25:11,556 --> 00:25:15,276
Speaker 1: and that we sometimes let friendships we care about Dwendolin fade.

494
00:25:15,436 --> 00:25:17,876
Speaker 1: But Andy's story shows us it doesn't have to be

495
00:25:17,996 --> 00:25:21,556
Speaker 1: that way. So why not grab your phone right now

496
00:25:21,596 --> 00:25:24,316
Speaker 1: and scroll through your contact list. If you see a

497
00:25:24,396 --> 00:25:26,956
Speaker 1: name you haven't connected within a while, drop that person

498
00:25:26,996 --> 00:25:30,076
Speaker 1: a quick line, just a hey, how's it going? Or

499
00:25:30,236 --> 00:25:33,596
Speaker 1: thinking of you? Your text might not save someone's life,

500
00:25:33,996 --> 00:25:36,796
Speaker 1: but the science shows it'll probably make you and someone

501
00:25:36,836 --> 00:25:49,596
Speaker 1: you care about a little happier. The Happiness Lab is

502
00:25:49,636 --> 00:25:52,636
Speaker 1: co written and produced by Ryan Dilly. Our original music

503
00:25:52,716 --> 00:25:56,076
Speaker 1: was composed by Zachary Silver, with additional scoring, mixing and

504
00:25:56,116 --> 00:25:59,876
Speaker 1: mastering by Evan Viola. Jess Shane and Alice Vines offered

505
00:25:59,876 --> 00:26:03,636
Speaker 1: additional production support. Special thanks to my agent, Ben Davis

506
00:26:03,676 --> 00:26:05,956
Speaker 1: and all of the Pushkin Crow. The Happiness Lab is

507
00:26:05,956 --> 00:26:08,836
Speaker 1: brought to you by Pushkin Industries and me, Doctor Laurie

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00:26:08,876 --> 00:26:09,396
Speaker 1: Santa Yes