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Speaker 1: Pushkin.

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Speaker 2: When I was going through my twenties early thirties, it

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Speaker 2: was very easy to be passively friends because most people

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Speaker 2: will never tell you the honest truth of what's going on.

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Speaker 1: This is Andy Salkin. As you've probably noticed from his accent.

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Speaker 1: Andy is British, the country he's from isn't exactly known

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Speaker 1: for its emotional openness. But no matter where you're from,

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Speaker 1: I'm guessing you may be able to resonate with Andy's

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Speaker 1: experience of friendship.

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Speaker 2: We'll all just go you're right, and people will go, yeah,

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Speaker 2: of course I'm fine.

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Speaker 1: But a few years ago Andy decided to make a

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Speaker 1: big change. He decided to stop being so passive with

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Speaker 1: the people he cared about.

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Speaker 2: I now feel more active in every friendship I have.

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Speaker 1: If a friend who seems like they're having a tough

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Speaker 1: day says I'm fine, Andy will reply.

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Speaker 3: Are you all right? You don't seem all right.

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Speaker 1: Andy's also increased the frequency with which he checks in

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Speaker 1: on people. He texts his friends regularly, even those who

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Speaker 1: don't always write back.

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Speaker 3: Sometimes they need prompting.

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Speaker 1: If Andy hasn't heard from her friend in a while,

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Speaker 1: he takes that as a sign that they may be

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Speaker 1: going through something tough and that it's time to send

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Speaker 1: them a quick note. That is what he did with

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Speaker 1: an old university pal recently.

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Speaker 2: I was like, you're okay, I hadn't heard knew while

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Speaker 2: just checking in to which I got a photo back

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Speaker 2: of the Yoda statue at Skywalker Studios or something like that,

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Speaker 2: and She's just like, yep, just finishing up at America.

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Speaker 2: I'll be home soon. I was like, that explains everything

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Speaker 2: I checked, just in case.

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Speaker 1: And that awkward feeling you experience when you think about

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Speaker 1: calling up someone you haven't talked to in a while,

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Speaker 1: that sort of h I better not, it might be

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Speaker 1: kind of weird. Andy totally ignores that feeling.

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Speaker 3: If you want to speak to that person, just speak

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Speaker 3: to that person. If they don't want to speak to you,

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Speaker 3: that's on them. But if you care and you genuinely are.

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Speaker 2: Interested and want to know what's going on in their life,

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Speaker 2: just keep asking. I want to be a friend to them,

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Speaker 2: regardless of whether they need it or not, because if

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Speaker 2: they are ever in a position where they do need it,

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Speaker 2: then I am already there.

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Speaker 1: There's a chance you might find Andy's behavior a little intense.

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Speaker 1: You might even worry that being this active in your

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Speaker 1: friendships could see him pushy or annoying, or like you

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Speaker 1: can't take a hint. But Happiness research shows that Andy

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Speaker 1: may actually be onto something.

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Speaker 2: I feel happier and as if I am a better

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Speaker 2: friend to these people.

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Speaker 1: The special season of the Happiness Lab is all about

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Speaker 1: how to become a better friend, and today we'll learn

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Speaker 1: that checking in on our friends more often, even in

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Speaker 1: a slightly persistent way, can be a critical part of

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Speaker 1: happier friendships, which is something that Andy saw firsthand. In fact,

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Speaker 1: as we'll hear in this episode, Andy learned that a

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Speaker 1: simple text message at the right time can have a

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Speaker 1: huge impact. It can even mean the difference between life

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Speaker 1: and death. Our minds are constantly telling us what to

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Speaker 1: do to be happy. But what if our minds are wrong.

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Speaker 1: What if our minds are lying to us, leading us

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Speaker 1: away from what will really make us happy. The good

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Speaker 1: news is that understanding the science of the mind can

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Speaker 1: point us all back in the right direction. You're listening

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Speaker 1: to the Happiness Lab well, Doctor Laurie Santos. I'll share

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Speaker 1: more of Andy's story a bit later on, but first

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Speaker 1: I want to explore why we assume that checking in

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Speaker 1: on our friends could seem annoying, and why we often

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Speaker 1: think it's not even necessary to learn more. I decided

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Speaker 1: to tag in an expert on the misconceptions we bring

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Speaker 1: to our friendships.

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Speaker 4: Often we see only the veneer of people's lives.

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Speaker 1: This is Peggylou, a professor at the University of Pittsburgh.

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Speaker 4: We see relatively positive moments on people's social media, or

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Speaker 4: we kind of just assume that people are going through

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Speaker 4: life fine, but you often don't realize that you know

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Speaker 4: someone might be going through something really difficult. They haven't

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Speaker 4: made it public, and so just you showing that your

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Speaker 4: thinking about them can really mean a lot more to

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Speaker 4: someone than you actually realized.

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Speaker 1: Peggy's research explorer is why we don't connect with the

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Speaker 1: people we care about as much as we should.

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Speaker 4: If you ask people about the benefits of social connection,

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Speaker 4: I think most people can tell you, yeah, it's great

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Speaker 4: to be connected to others. But then if you actually

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Speaker 4: ask people do you feel connected to other people in

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Speaker 4: your life? I think you often find that a lot

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Speaker 4: of people feel quite disconnected with others.

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Speaker 1: Peggy studies these failures to connect because it's a challenge

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Speaker 1: that she's struggled with personally.

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Speaker 4: So I have a four year old child, and prior

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Speaker 4: to having a four year old child, I felt like

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Speaker 4: I had a lot of time. You know, I was

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Speaker 4: busy as a student, but I felt like I could

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Speaker 4: see my friends a lot more often. But once you

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Speaker 4: become a mom, you're sort of accustomed to just trying

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Speaker 4: to deal with all the buyers that come with taking

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Speaker 4: care of a child, and so you don't really have

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Speaker 4: that moment to pause and text a friend.

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Speaker 1: And Peggy wasn't alone here. Her friends and colleagues were

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Speaker 1: going through exactly the same thing.

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Speaker 4: We were just losing touch with a lot of people

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Speaker 4: in our lives, and so we were wondering, you know,

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Speaker 4: why might that be.

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Speaker 1: Peggy and her academic colleagues decided to explore what was

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Speaker 1: going wrong, and they found that simple business wasn't the

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Speaker 1: only factor. And even bigger reason we fail to reach

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Speaker 1: out is that we're pretty bad at accurately predicting what

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Speaker 1: the people in our life want and need.

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Speaker 4: When I'm thinking about reaching out to someone, I just

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Speaker 4: get in my own head. And I think a lot

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Speaker 4: of people do too, like, oh, they're probably busy, you know.

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Speaker 4: If I interrupt them, they might be like, why are

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Speaker 4: you reaching out to me, What do you want?

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Speaker 1: We wind up so focused on our own wants and

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Speaker 1: needs that we forget to think about how a recipient

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Speaker 1: will feel if we took the time to reach out.

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Speaker 4: People are usually feel like, wow, that was a great experience.

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Speaker 4: It really made my day that someone actually thought about me.

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Speaker 1: Peggy has found that we're terrible at predicting how much

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Speaker 1: other people will appreciate our efforts to get in touch.

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Speaker 1: We know that we'd like it if a friend made contact,

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Speaker 1: but somehow we just can't put ourselves in the other

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Speaker 1: person's shoes.

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Speaker 4: When we're thinking about initiatated interaction, we're thinking about how

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Speaker 4: competent we come across, and the recipients just think about

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Speaker 4: the warmth of this interaction or this warmth of this message.

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Speaker 1: When you're the person who initiates a social gesture, when

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Speaker 1: you're the reach your outer as it were, you wind

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Speaker 1: up very focused on your competence. You want to make

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Speaker 1: sure you're doing it right, that you're not coming across

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Speaker 1: as weird or boring or inconsiderate. But the person on

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Speaker 1: the receiving end is judging the interaction by a completely

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Speaker 1: different metric. They're more attuned to the warmth of your message.

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Speaker 1: Did it sound sincere? Does it show that you genuinely care?

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Speaker 4: And so I think in that moment, you forget to

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Speaker 4: think about the recipient's perspective, and you forget about that

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Speaker 4: feeling of oh, Wow, someone just texted me that thought

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Speaker 4: about me and it's been so long, it's such a

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Speaker 4: positive feeling.

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Speaker 1: But there's a second way we mess up when it

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Speaker 1: comes to thinking about our friend's perspectives. We fail to

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Speaker 1: appreciate the psychological power of surprise.

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Speaker 4: If you're the person thinking about reaching out to someone,

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Speaker 4: almost by definition, is not really that surprising. You're not

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Speaker 4: really thinking about how they're going to feel surprised. You're thinking, oh,

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Speaker 4: I'm thinking about reaching out.

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Speaker 1: But research has shown that the surprising nature of a

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Speaker 1: text or a kind message can have a big impact

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Speaker 1: on how our recipient interprets that gesture.

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Speaker 4: Surprise amplifies how positive you feel. So if something positive happens,

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Speaker 4: So if you find a little bit of money, let's say,

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Speaker 4: and it's a surprise, you feel more positive than if

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Speaker 4: you were expecting to get that same amount of money.

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Speaker 1: The science suggests that giving someone a surprise text or

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Speaker 1: call will have a positive impact on their moods. But

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Speaker 1: our lying minds just can't see that. And if it's

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Speaker 1: been weeks, months, or years since we last said hello,

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Speaker 1: our lying minds become even more reluctant to re establish contact.

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Speaker 4: The more that time passes, the more that you feel

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Speaker 4: like it's a little bit awkward perhaps to reach out.

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Speaker 4: And so I think that also contributes on top of

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Speaker 4: all of these things that you have going on in

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Speaker 4: your life that lead to these barriers to reaching out.

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Speaker 1: Peggy and her colleagues wanted to find ways to break

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Speaker 1: down all these psychological barriers to reaching out, so they

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Speaker 1: joined forces to study just how badly people underestimate the

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Speaker 1: benefits of connecting.

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Speaker 4: We basically encountered students on campus and we asked them, hey,

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Speaker 4: can you let us know the name and email address

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Speaker 4: of someone that you've kind of lost touch with on

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Speaker 4: the college campus. And so people who agreed to do

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Speaker 4: that they were our initiators, and then they actually wrote

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Speaker 4: a brief message to this person that they had sort

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Speaker 4: of lost contact with, and then later that day we

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Speaker 4: actually delivered that message via email on their behalf to

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Speaker 4: the recipient. And then we asked those recipients, hey, how

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Speaker 4: much do you appreciate having been reached out to? And

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Speaker 4: we also asked the initiators to predict how much they

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Speaker 4: thought the person that they had reached out to would

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Speaker 4: appreciate it, on.

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Speaker 1: A scale of one not at all appreciative to five

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Speaker 1: extremely appreciative. Initiators assumed their recipient would be somewhere around

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Speaker 1: a four, but recipients who got that unexpected email so

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Speaker 1: they were closer to a full five out of five

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Speaker 1: on that appreciation scale. Like, there's a disconnect when you

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Speaker 1: think about you know, when I got reached out to,

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Speaker 1: it felt awesome, but when I think about reaching out

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Speaker 1: to someone else, I kind of can't access that awesome

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Speaker 1: feeling in the same way.

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Speaker 4: Yeah, And what we find is that you do think

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Speaker 4: they probably felt positively, but you don't realize how positive

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Speaker 4: that was.

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Speaker 1: So far, we've heard that our reluctance to reach out

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Speaker 1: to check in or restore a friendship that's fizzling out

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Speaker 1: is bad for our happiness. But when we get back

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Speaker 1: from the break, we'll see just how powerful a quick

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Speaker 1: reach out can be for the person who receives our message.

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Speaker 1: We'll see that making that first move and sending a

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Speaker 1: quick text can sometimes have a way greater importance than

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Speaker 1: we could possibly imagine.

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Speaker 2: It was the most innocent, stupid message in the world,

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Speaker 2: and it meant It meant my life to me.

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Speaker 1: We'll hear more from hardcore friend Andy Salkin when The

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Speaker 1: Happiness Lab returns.

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Speaker 3: In a moment.

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Speaker 1: Before we dive into the rest of the episode, I

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Speaker 1: want to warn you that we'll be touching on a distressing,

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Speaker 1: what important topic, suicidality. If you are a friend is

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Speaker 1: in crisis, know that help is available. If you're based

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Speaker 1: in the US, you can call or text the nine

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Speaker 1: to eight to eight Suicide and Crisis Lifeline. Similar services

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Speaker 1: are available in pretty much every country, so if you

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Speaker 1: need help, please please be sure to reach out.

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Speaker 3: I wrote a book about being very sad.

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Speaker 2: It's called Life Is a four letter word, and life

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Speaker 2: really can be a four letter word at times.

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Speaker 1: Author Andy Salkin eventually decided to change his approach to

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Speaker 1: friendship because he vividly remembers what it's like to really

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Speaker 1: need a friend.

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Speaker 2: At the time, I believed I was a failure. I

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Speaker 2: had failed in business. The business I was working for

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Speaker 2: had failed. I had lost everything. I had failed as

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Speaker 2: a husband because my wife wanted to leave me. She

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Speaker 2: had gone through her own journey. I had failed as

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Speaker 2: a son to my parents. I had failed as a

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Speaker 2: brother to my siblings. I had failed as a parent

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Speaker 2: to my two cats at the time, Sky and Roxy.

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Speaker 2: And then my final and most egregious failing of all

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Speaker 2: was I had failed as a human being because I

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Speaker 2: lived with depression and I no longer felt emotions.

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Speaker 1: Andy's sense of failure left him feeling more lost than

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Speaker 1: he'd ever been.

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Speaker 2: It is like you are in fog. It is like

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Speaker 2: you are intrigual and you are just numb. That is

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Speaker 2: the best way I can describe it.

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Speaker 1: Andy's depression affected nearly everything he held dear, his performance

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Speaker 1: at work, his sense of humor, and most importantly, his

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Speaker 1: connection to the people around him.

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Speaker 2: I felt utterly isolated and alone as I was going

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Speaker 2: through the real depths of my depression. You just try

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Speaker 2: to do it yourself, because you're like, well, if I

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Speaker 2: can't get through this by myself, how am I ever

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Speaker 2: going to get through anything else in the future ever?

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Speaker 1: Again, Andy didn't want to be a burden, so he

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Speaker 1: buried his anguish.

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Speaker 3: I hid everything from people.

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Speaker 2: You learn to put on a face or put on

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Speaker 2: a mask, I would go to work, I would put

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Speaker 2: on a suit, I would put on the face, go in,

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Speaker 2: be the.

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Speaker 3: Charming accountant, talk.

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Speaker 2: About how great things are and how positive the business

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Speaker 2: outlook is and everything like that, and then I would

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Speaker 2: get home, take the suit off, and be miserable all day.

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Speaker 1: Every day, Andy felt like he was playing a role,

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Speaker 1: just pretending that everything was okay.

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Speaker 2: And that's not really a life at all. It's just

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Speaker 2: a persona that you slot into.

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Speaker 1: But Andy played that role well. No one knew what

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Speaker 1: he was going through.

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Speaker 2: No one would believe it when I said I had

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Speaker 2: depress like no one believed it.

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Speaker 3: No one ever thought about it.

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Speaker 2: And that contributes to the exhaustion that you have because

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Speaker 2: you are being somebody for someone else.

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Speaker 1: Andy grew more and more exhausted from hiding all this pain.

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Speaker 1: Eventually it became easier for him to hide away altogether.

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Speaker 2: You recede inwards, you stop reaching out, and then you

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Speaker 2: eventually start convincing yourself that actually, it's better for other

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Speaker 2: people if I don't put my problems on them. And

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Speaker 2: it's a very small step to go from actually they're

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Speaker 2: better off not hearing about my problems to actually everyone

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Speaker 2: is better off not having me in their lives.

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Speaker 1: And that led Andy to a very very dark place.

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Speaker 2: I had come to a conclusion that my death was

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Speaker 2: the best thing for everyone.

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Speaker 3: In my life.

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Speaker 1: So Andy spent weeks preparing to take his own life.

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Speaker 2: So I was ready. I had like I was diligent

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Speaker 2: about it, and yeah, it's still hard thinking about it.

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Speaker 1: With everything taken care of, Andy decided that the fateful

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Speaker 1: day to end his pain had finally come.

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Speaker 3: I was in tears, like I was like, this is it.

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Speaker 2: And then as I was getting ready, I heard my

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Speaker 2: phone go and it was just a message from my

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Speaker 2: best friend and it just said pop question mark, And

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Speaker 2: it was a really simple message. It's the sort of

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Speaker 2: message we sent each other and so on, and it's

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Speaker 2: just a reminder that we were meant to be getting

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Speaker 2: together and going to the pub.

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Speaker 1: That friend was going through a rough patch too, and

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Speaker 1: her three letter message stopped Andy and his tracks. If

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Speaker 1: she was texting, it meant she might really need his help.

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Speaker 2: It was just such a rush of emotions in that

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Speaker 2: moment of kind of like, oh, wow, someone out there

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Speaker 2: still wants me in their life, even when I am

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Speaker 2: literally at the lowest point I possibly can be.

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Speaker 3: There is still someone that wants to collect.

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Speaker 1: So Andy did two things. First, he dashed off a

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Speaker 1: quick reply.

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Speaker 2: I was like sure, yeah, I can't remember the messages,

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Speaker 2: but I was just like yeah, sure.

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Speaker 1: But second, and much more importantly, he decided not to

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Speaker 1: kill himself.

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Speaker 2: I was still depressed, I was still down, I was

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Speaker 2: still feeling all the rubbishness. But there was a reason there.

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Speaker 2: There was a reason to keep going. And I will

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Speaker 2: never be able to thank her enough.

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Speaker 3: For that day.

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Speaker 1: From that day on, Andy dropped the mask he'd used

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Speaker 1: to hide his suffering. For the first time. He became

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Speaker 1: open about his depression and shared what was really going

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Speaker 1: on life, and to his initial surprise, he got tons

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Speaker 1: of support from friends and family members. Eventually, Andy was

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Speaker 1: even able to open up to the friend whose text

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Speaker 1: had saved his life.

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Speaker 2: It took me about two years to tell her that

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Speaker 2: this is what happened, and then she hit.

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Speaker 3: Me and I was like, yeah, I've probably deserved that.

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Speaker 1: Psychologist Peggylew's research suggests that many of us might not

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Speaker 1: have sent a friend like Andy that all important life

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Speaker 1: saving text. We'd probably just have accepted his assurances that

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Speaker 1: everything was fine. And when he dropped out of sight,

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Speaker 1: we'd probably be reluctant to contact him. Her work suggests

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Speaker 1: that most of us would fear looking rude or pushy,

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Speaker 1: or like we can't take a hint, And that's exactly

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Speaker 1: how Andy used to think. But after the break, we'll

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Speaker 1: hear that Andy has very much turned things around. He's

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Speaker 1: now committed to being the kind of friend we all

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00:17:01,076 --> 00:17:03,836
Speaker 1: needed our lowest points, and the kind of friend that

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00:17:03,836 --> 00:17:06,436
Speaker 1: science shows we should all try a little harder to be.

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Speaker 1: The happiness lab will be right back.

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Speaker 2: We all live such busy lives. Like taking the time

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00:17:26,956 --> 00:17:30,516
Speaker 2: to reach out check in It does. It takes time,

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Speaker 2: but ultimately, if you care about these people, giving them

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Speaker 2: your time is one hundred percent worth it and is

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Speaker 2: not a cost.

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Speaker 3: It is something you should be willing to give.

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Speaker 1: After a one word text from a friend prevented him

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Speaker 1: from taking his own life, Andy Selkins's mission is now

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Speaker 1: to ensure that the people around him never feel as

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Speaker 1: alone as he once did.

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Speaker 3: If you want to reach out and communicate with someone,

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Speaker 3: then do it regardless of what they think, because actually,

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Speaker 3: nine times out of ten, whether they've said it or not,

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Speaker 3: they probably want the same thing.

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Speaker 1: Andy's first suggestion for becoming a more active friend is

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Speaker 1: to commit to tracking the stuff that's going on in

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Speaker 1: other people's lives, especially when they're going through the tough

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Speaker 1: stuff layoffs, breakups, and bereavements.

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Speaker 2: One of my best mates he lost his mum last year,

355
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Speaker 2: and I've made a conscious effort to try to engage

356
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Speaker 2: with him because he's he's a proud Yorkshireman that doesn't

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00:18:28,316 --> 00:18:32,036
Speaker 2: talk about feelings and everything like that, and I just

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Speaker 2: try and be like, are you okay?

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Speaker 1: That proud yorkshireman kept saying he was fine. But eventually

360
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Speaker 1: Andy's persistence paid off. The pair meant for a drink

361
00:18:42,396 --> 00:18:45,836
Speaker 1: at a local brewery. They didn't talk about Andy's friends grief,

362
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Speaker 1: but their time together was important for his healing.

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Speaker 3: And he's just kind of like, thank you for this,

364
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Speaker 3: Like this is.

365
00:18:52,436 --> 00:18:54,716
Speaker 2: What I need, and I know I don't talk about it,

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Speaker 2: but this is what I'd need.

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Speaker 1: But we don't just need to check in when a

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Speaker 1: friend has gone through a major loss or a life change.

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00:19:01,316 --> 00:19:04,436
Speaker 1: Andy also recommends paying attention to more subtle signs that

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Speaker 1: a friend may be acting differently, like he did with

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Speaker 1: one of his buddies after a night on the TWN.

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Speaker 2: We just finished dancing and they were waiting for a

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Speaker 2: train home, and they weren't really quiet, and there wasn't

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Speaker 2: much conversation, like it was a natural time to go quiet.

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Speaker 3: But they're quite a lively person.

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Speaker 2: And I just sent them a message the next day

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00:19:22,316 --> 00:19:26,836
Speaker 2: and just went you're okay, and it was like, of course,

378
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Speaker 2: on fine, And I was like, are you You went

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00:19:29,756 --> 00:19:33,596
Speaker 2: really quiet and that's not like you. You don't have

380
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Speaker 2: to answer anything, but I see you. I've noticed.

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Speaker 1: But even when you notice and reach out, that doesn't

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Speaker 1: necessarily mean people will reply, especially if they're hurting. Andy

383
00:19:47,636 --> 00:19:49,876
Speaker 1: says you shouldn't jump to that conclusion that they're mad

384
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Speaker 1: or annoyed with you for bothering them. What you should do,

385
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Speaker 1: says Andy, is to keep.

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00:19:54,116 --> 00:19:57,916
Speaker 2: Trying, no matter how silly you might feel about sending

387
00:19:58,036 --> 00:20:01,396
Speaker 2: a text message. Like I hear about all the time

388
00:20:01,596 --> 00:20:04,716
Speaker 2: you send someone a message and they don't reply, like, oh,

389
00:20:04,756 --> 00:20:08,116
Speaker 2: I can't send them another message now, I can't do that.

390
00:20:07,676 --> 00:20:11,076
Speaker 2: That's a social folk pap and it's like, no.

391
00:20:10,916 --> 00:20:11,276
Speaker 3: It's no.

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Speaker 1: I really admire Andy's persistence and checking in on the

393
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Speaker 1: people he cares about, but I'll be the first to

394
00:20:17,436 --> 00:20:20,516
Speaker 1: admit it's not always easy. I know, I still worry

395
00:20:20,556 --> 00:20:22,676
Speaker 1: at least a little bit about texting someone out of

396
00:20:22,676 --> 00:20:25,116
Speaker 1: the blue, that I might look stupid or that I'd

397
00:20:25,156 --> 00:20:27,916
Speaker 1: be bothering them. And when I get that feeling, I

398
00:20:28,076 --> 00:20:31,076
Speaker 1: like to think back to psychologists Peggy Lose research which

399
00:20:31,076 --> 00:20:33,636
Speaker 1: shows that assumptions like these are usually wrong.

400
00:20:34,556 --> 00:20:36,956
Speaker 4: I just try to tell people, Hey, just think about

401
00:20:36,956 --> 00:20:38,756
Speaker 4: the last time, like, really, think about the last time

402
00:20:38,796 --> 00:20:41,196
Speaker 4: someone reach out to you, how did you feel, And

403
00:20:41,276 --> 00:20:43,196
Speaker 4: so why don't you go ahead and do that for

404
00:20:43,316 --> 00:20:46,236
Speaker 4: someone else? And that's really been something that's helped me,

405
00:20:46,276 --> 00:20:49,436
Speaker 4: at least personally reach out to others, even in times

406
00:20:49,476 --> 00:20:51,356
Speaker 4: when I thought, oh, maybe they don't want to hear

407
00:20:51,396 --> 00:20:51,676
Speaker 4: from me.

408
00:20:52,276 --> 00:20:55,036
Speaker 1: When we talked about Peggy's research earlier, we discussed the

409
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Speaker 1: so called warmth competence bias. We get so caught up

410
00:20:58,156 --> 00:21:00,436
Speaker 1: in how our message sounds that we forget how our

411
00:21:00,476 --> 00:21:02,916
Speaker 1: recipient will take it, that they're just going to care

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00:21:02,996 --> 00:21:06,436
Speaker 1: about its emotional warmth. But Peggy has some suggestions for

413
00:21:06,556 --> 00:21:10,036
Speaker 1: overcoming this bias. Her first recommendation, and keep it.

414
00:21:09,996 --> 00:21:12,156
Speaker 4: Brief so it can be hey, just thinking about you.

415
00:21:12,516 --> 00:21:15,476
Speaker 1: A short written message also has other advantages over a

416
00:21:15,476 --> 00:21:18,036
Speaker 1: phone or video call, so in our research, we do

417
00:21:18,076 --> 00:21:20,236
Speaker 1: things like a text message or an email, and I

418
00:21:20,276 --> 00:21:23,996
Speaker 1: think these types of more asynchronous communication allow people to

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00:21:24,076 --> 00:21:26,476
Speaker 1: figure out when they want to respond, and they also

420
00:21:26,516 --> 00:21:28,716
Speaker 1: don't create a huge burden on the other person. You're

421
00:21:28,716 --> 00:21:31,876
Speaker 1: not really asking them to engage in a long conversation

422
00:21:31,956 --> 00:21:34,316
Speaker 1: with you, and so I try to engage in these

423
00:21:34,476 --> 00:21:35,836
Speaker 1: brief messages, just.

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00:21:35,756 --> 00:21:37,676
Speaker 4: Like, Hey, hope you're doing well. Just thought of you

425
00:21:37,916 --> 00:21:41,436
Speaker 4: for XYZ reason, and then hope everything is going well

426
00:21:41,476 --> 00:21:41,756
Speaker 4: with you.

427
00:21:42,476 --> 00:21:45,756
Speaker 1: Peggy also reminds us that tending to our friendships takes planning.

428
00:21:46,396 --> 00:21:50,076
Speaker 1: She recommends periodically scrolling through your phone's contact list and

429
00:21:50,156 --> 00:21:52,516
Speaker 1: noticing who you haven't connected with lately.

430
00:21:52,476 --> 00:21:54,396
Speaker 4: And then I just send them a brief note and

431
00:21:54,436 --> 00:21:57,356
Speaker 4: I try not to make anything super involved. You just

432
00:21:57,436 --> 00:21:59,876
Speaker 4: want to say say, hey, hope things are going well

433
00:21:59,916 --> 00:22:01,676
Speaker 4: in your life, or hope, just want to let you

434
00:22:01,756 --> 00:22:02,836
Speaker 4: know I'm thinking about you.

435
00:22:03,556 --> 00:22:06,196
Speaker 1: If it still seems too random for you, you might consider

436
00:22:06,276 --> 00:22:09,516
Speaker 1: looking out for little excuses to drop a friend a quickness.

437
00:22:09,516 --> 00:22:12,036
Speaker 4: When there's something natural that comes up, like something you

438
00:22:12,076 --> 00:22:15,036
Speaker 4: saw in the news or some TV show. I think

439
00:22:15,036 --> 00:22:17,516
Speaker 4: it can remove some of that concern about competence because

440
00:22:17,556 --> 00:22:19,316
Speaker 4: you're like I do have a good reason to just

441
00:22:19,356 --> 00:22:20,716
Speaker 4: say I thought about you.

442
00:22:21,316 --> 00:22:23,636
Speaker 1: After publishing her study on the power of reaching out,

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Speaker 1: Peggy started using all of these tips herself, and she's

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00:22:26,716 --> 00:22:29,916
Speaker 1: seen the benefits. Her own sense of social connection has

445
00:22:29,956 --> 00:22:33,316
Speaker 1: improved drastically. She's also proud that she's been able to

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00:22:33,316 --> 00:22:35,876
Speaker 1: support her friends through some unexpected challenges.

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Speaker 4: One of our collaborators left academia for industry recently, and

448
00:22:40,116 --> 00:22:42,756
Speaker 4: so I think sometimes, you know, when people go through

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00:22:42,756 --> 00:22:46,156
Speaker 4: major life changes, you often lose touch with your social

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00:22:46,196 --> 00:22:48,636
Speaker 4: circle as you form a new social circle. But I

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00:22:48,756 --> 00:22:52,596
Speaker 4: try to keep that connection going just occasionally checking and

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00:22:52,636 --> 00:22:54,236
Speaker 4: saying HI, just thought about you.

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Speaker 1: That quick check in always feels great. But it's something

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00:22:58,196 --> 00:23:00,876
Speaker 1: that she and her colleagues wouldn't naturally have done before

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00:23:00,916 --> 00:23:02,196
Speaker 1: all their reaching out studies.

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00:23:02,476 --> 00:23:05,876
Speaker 4: I think it's nice because this research has prompted us

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00:23:05,916 --> 00:23:10,356
Speaker 4: to stay connected, in part because of the findings themselves,

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00:23:10,516 --> 00:23:13,716
Speaker 4: but also whenever there's some fun press piece that we

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00:23:13,756 --> 00:23:16,116
Speaker 4: actually send it to each other. So it's another prompter

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00:23:16,356 --> 00:23:17,796
Speaker 4: for us to connect to each other.

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00:23:18,396 --> 00:23:21,476
Speaker 1: And the press attention has helped Peggy form other connections too.

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Speaker 4: It was interesting because this is one of the only

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00:23:23,996 --> 00:23:27,876
Speaker 4: projects that my mom has actually found interesting and so

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00:23:28,036 --> 00:23:30,956
Speaker 4: you know, in the past I've sent her things and

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00:23:30,996 --> 00:23:33,276
Speaker 4: she's like, this is nice, this is great. But I

466
00:23:33,276 --> 00:23:36,476
Speaker 4: can tell she didn't really, you know, really think about

467
00:23:36,516 --> 00:23:39,156
Speaker 4: the findings that much. But this is one where it

468
00:23:39,196 --> 00:23:41,956
Speaker 4: actually led her to think back to her college classmates

469
00:23:41,996 --> 00:23:44,436
Speaker 4: and it actually prompted her to reach out to some

470
00:23:44,476 --> 00:23:44,876
Speaker 4: of them.

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00:23:45,396 --> 00:23:47,996
Speaker 1: Peggy also heard from people she hadn't talked to in forever.

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00:23:48,516 --> 00:23:50,876
Speaker 1: High school buddies saw the media coverage of her work

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00:23:50,996 --> 00:23:51,756
Speaker 1: and checked back in.

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00:23:52,036 --> 00:23:54,436
Speaker 4: Hey, we saw this and we thought, hey, we should

475
00:23:54,436 --> 00:23:56,996
Speaker 4: actually reach out and say something to you. So that's

476
00:23:57,036 --> 00:23:58,076
Speaker 4: been really cool too.

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00:23:58,836 --> 00:24:01,356
Speaker 1: Peggy says, this ripple effect of more and more reaching

478
00:24:01,356 --> 00:24:03,596
Speaker 1: out is one of the best parts of doing this research.

479
00:24:04,076 --> 00:24:06,916
Speaker 4: I got an email from a stranger right around when

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00:24:06,956 --> 00:24:09,316
Speaker 4: some of this press was coming out in the beginning,

481
00:24:09,556 --> 00:24:12,396
Speaker 4: where someone said, Hey, this actually meant a lot more

482
00:24:12,476 --> 00:24:16,396
Speaker 4: to me than the other person realized that emailer was

483
00:24:16,396 --> 00:24:19,156
Speaker 4: speaking for so many of us. We love it when

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00:24:19,196 --> 00:24:21,476
Speaker 4: our friends check in with a warm message the show

485
00:24:21,516 --> 00:24:24,236
Speaker 4: they care, or when an old pal tries to rekindle

486
00:24:24,276 --> 00:24:27,716
Speaker 4: a dormant relationship. With the right strategies, we can get

487
00:24:27,716 --> 00:24:30,236
Speaker 4: that same great feeling to the people we care about.

488
00:24:30,836 --> 00:24:34,196
Speaker 4: It's a practice that now active friend Andy Salkin simply

489
00:24:34,236 --> 00:24:35,196
Speaker 4: can't recommend enough.

490
00:24:35,876 --> 00:24:38,116
Speaker 3: Just reach out like. It doesn't have to be much.

491
00:24:38,156 --> 00:24:41,836
Speaker 2: You don't have to have a like a delicately crafted

492
00:24:41,916 --> 00:24:45,716
Speaker 2: and perfectly punctuated message, like. It doesn't have to be

493
00:24:45,756 --> 00:24:50,996
Speaker 2: a poem or sonnet or something, just pub question mark.

494
00:24:53,196 --> 00:24:55,676
Speaker 3: It's enough. It's enough to save a life.

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00:24:56,316 --> 00:24:59,116
Speaker 1: Talking to Andy has convinced me that we rarely realize

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00:24:59,116 --> 00:25:02,156
Speaker 1: how helpful a quick check in can be. Our lying

497
00:25:02,196 --> 00:25:04,756
Speaker 1: minds tell us that people already know we care and

498
00:25:04,756 --> 00:25:08,396
Speaker 1: that they're probably doing fine. That, combined with the busyness

499
00:25:08,396 --> 00:25:10,956
Speaker 1: of life, means we can neglect the people we love,

500
00:25:11,516 --> 00:25:15,236
Speaker 1: and that we sometimes let friendships we care about Dwendolin fade.

501
00:25:15,396 --> 00:25:17,876
Speaker 1: But Andy's story shows us it doesn't have to be

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00:25:17,956 --> 00:25:21,516
Speaker 1: that way. So why not grab your phone right now

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00:25:21,596 --> 00:25:24,276
Speaker 1: and scroll through your contact list. If you see a

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00:25:24,356 --> 00:25:26,956
Speaker 1: name you haven't connected within a while, drop that person

505
00:25:26,996 --> 00:25:30,036
Speaker 1: a quick line, just a hey, how's it going? Or

506
00:25:30,236 --> 00:25:33,556
Speaker 1: thinking of you? Your text might not save someone's life,

507
00:25:33,956 --> 00:25:36,796
Speaker 1: but the science shows it'll probably make you and someone

508
00:25:36,796 --> 00:25:49,596
Speaker 1: you care about a little happier. The Happiness Lab is

509
00:25:49,596 --> 00:25:52,596
Speaker 1: co written and produced by Ryan dilly Our. Original music

510
00:25:52,676 --> 00:25:56,076
Speaker 1: was composed by Zachary Silver, with additional scoring, mixing and

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00:25:56,116 --> 00:25:59,876
Speaker 1: mastering by Evan Viola. Jess Shane and Alice Vines offered

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00:25:59,876 --> 00:26:03,596
Speaker 1: additional production support. Special thanks to my agent, Ben Davis

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00:26:03,636 --> 00:26:05,956
Speaker 1: and all of the Pushkin crew. The Happiness Lab is

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00:26:05,956 --> 00:26:08,836
Speaker 1: brought to you by Pushkin Industries and me. Doctor Laurie

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Speaker 1: Santa Is