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Speaker 1: Speaks to the planet.

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Speaker 2: I go by the name of Charlamagne of God and

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Speaker 2: guess what, I can't wait to see y'all at the

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Speaker 2: third annual Black Effect Podcast Festival. That's right, We're coming

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Speaker 2: back to Atlanta, Georgia, Saturday, April twenty six at Poeman

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Speaker 2: Yards and it's hosted by none other than Decisions Decisions,

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Speaker 2: Mandy B and Wheezy. Okay, we got the R and

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Speaker 2: B Money podcast, were taking Jay Valentine. We got the

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Speaker 2: Woman of All Podcasts with Saray Jake Roberts. We got

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Speaker 2: Good Mom's Bad Choices. Carrie Champion will be there with

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Speaker 2: her next sports podcast and the Trap Nerds podcast with

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Speaker 2: more to be announced. And of course it's bigger than podcasts.

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Speaker 2: We're bringing the Black Effect marketplace with black owned businesses,

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Speaker 2: plus the food truck caught to keep you fed while

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Speaker 2: you visit us. All right, listen, you don't want to

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Speaker 2: miss this. Tap in and grab your tickets now at

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Speaker 2: Black Effect dot Com Flash Podcast Festival.

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Speaker 3: Once upon a time, there was a good old traditional housewife.

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Speaker 3: She cooked, she cleaned, cared for her children and the

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Speaker 3: man of the house, and of course she didn't talk back.

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Speaker 3: She was both obedient and soft by nature. She was

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Speaker 3: a good woman who always made good choices.

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Speaker 4: We're good mom's bad choices to single mom, who said,

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Speaker 4: but the patriarchy shared all their bad choices and found

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Speaker 4: out they were so bad after all. We're experts. Over

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Speaker 4: chairs and your new bestie, sit back and do the d.

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Speaker 5: I can do.

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Speaker 4: A welcome back to good Mom's bad Choices. I'm Erica

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Speaker 4: and I'm Mela. Happy Wednesday, bitch is Happy motherfucking hump Day.

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Speaker 4: Happy motherfucking hump Day, you guys. I'm wearing our merch

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Speaker 4: if you guys haven't checked out our merch, and we

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Speaker 4: have our blackest fuck mom a's fuck finest fuck merch.

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Speaker 6: It actually recently went viral, So if you guys haven't

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Speaker 6: grabbed yours, grab it quick. It's going quick, it's going

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Speaker 6: it's flying off the shelves.

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Speaker 4: It's it's very chic, it's very if you know black.

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Speaker 4: You can wear it with like a silky like skirt.

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Speaker 4: You can wear your jeans, you can wear sweats, you

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Speaker 4: can cut off the bottom, you can tie like me,

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Speaker 4: you can snatch your waist.

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Speaker 6: This is for the black moms. But we're gonna bring

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Speaker 6: something more diverse.

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Speaker 4: To the non blacks moms.

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Speaker 6: We're inclusive. This one was an exclusive job for the

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Speaker 6: black moms. But you know what we're working on. We're

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Speaker 6: cooking something and don't worry, we're gonna include you to.

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Speaker 4: And we have we have black aunties, so for the

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Speaker 4: Black Aunties, we also have a version of this of

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Speaker 4: this shirt. Yes, Hi, Hi, how are you? I'm great.

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Speaker 4: I feel like we haven't been here in a minute.

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Speaker 4: I know it's early in the morning, it is. It

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Speaker 4: is eight thirty two am in LA and we are

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Speaker 4: up recording early because we are responsible women. Also because

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Speaker 4: we're interviewing someone from the UK.

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Speaker 6: Someone we've been waiting to interview for a long time.

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Speaker 6: Had nails, I could like you run a budget no anymore.

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Speaker 4: But we're interviewing someone from the UK that we have

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Speaker 4: been It's been on our radar for a long time.

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Speaker 4: We've been chatting in the DMS for a while now

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Speaker 4: and I'm just so excited to have her on. Without

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Speaker 4: further ado, I would like to introduced Shadira Egaru, Sunday

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Speaker 4: Times best selling Arthur number one best selling author aka

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Speaker 4: the slum Flower.

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Speaker 1: Yeah, thank you so much for having me.

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Speaker 7: I've been wanting to come on this podcast for such

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Speaker 7: a long time. I am not a mother at the moment,

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Speaker 7: but I do have a mother who made some choices

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Speaker 7: that might be described as bad choices, but I empathize

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Speaker 7: with her, and I recognize that even though I'm not

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Speaker 7: a mother yet, I'm also a woman, and I can

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Speaker 7: see that women have to make tricky choices every day

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Speaker 7: just to survive. So it must be even harder making

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Speaker 7: those difficult choices while having children to take care of.

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Speaker 7: So I intend to navigate this episode with grace, but

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Speaker 7: also to really tackle matters that have affected me by

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Speaker 7: having a mother who I've been affected by.

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Speaker 4: Well, first of all, thank you for saying that, and

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Speaker 4: also I feel like you are a mother. You're a

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Speaker 4: mother to a lot of women who look up to

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Speaker 4: you and look to you for advice and look to

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Speaker 4: you to like set them straight because bitches be tripping.

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Speaker 4: I am bitchous. I really appreciate sometimes when I'm looking

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Speaker 4: at your at your videos and you're looking straight at me,

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Speaker 4: because if you if you look on Shader's Instagram, all

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Speaker 4: of her all of her videos are very like cut

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Speaker 4: close looking straight into your soul, and she's like talking

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Speaker 4: to me and telling me all these things that I'm

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Speaker 4: doing wrong, and I'm like, she's right, she's than me.

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Speaker 1: How does she know?

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Speaker 6: Everybody, every every woman has a season of dumb bitchness.

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Speaker 6: But don't worry, you too, can heal? You know, everybody

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Speaker 6: has a season, just like everybody gets the colder the

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Speaker 6: flu once a year. Every woman has a hard season

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Speaker 6: of dumb bitcheousness. And the hope is that you take

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Speaker 6: the immunization and you get smarter, and that you won't.

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Speaker 4: You'll sell lifetime.

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Speaker 6: You'll stop being a dumb bitch. You know, you won't

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Speaker 6: keep getting the chicken pox. You just get them those

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Speaker 6: one time. You won't keep getting the fucking you know,

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Speaker 6: the thing that you shouldn't get. You're gonna stop playing

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Speaker 6: with the guy who burns you. But you know, sometimes

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Speaker 6: women need to hear over and over and over again,

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Speaker 6: and that's are you come in.

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Speaker 4: So thank you very much for you, so really thank you.

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Speaker 7: I really appreciate you calling me a mother, even though

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Speaker 7: I haven't physically birthed a child, because I do feel

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Speaker 7: like the work I do takes on a mothering role.

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Speaker 7: I definitely and deeply enjoy being in a position and

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Speaker 7: a role and a career that involves me mothering women

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Speaker 7: through their decisions. And what I mean by mothering women

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Speaker 7: through their decisions for those who might not be familiar

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Speaker 7: with my work is outside of me being a Sunday

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Speaker 7: Times number one best selling author. I also have a

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Speaker 7: podcast called The slum Flower Hour, and on the slum

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Speaker 7: Flower Hour podcast, I use it as a space to

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Speaker 7: directly speak to women about the realities of what it

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Speaker 7: involves to love men. The issue that I've found that

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Speaker 7: women are struggling with is that they value men more

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Speaker 7: than they value being respected, and that leads to a

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Speaker 7: plethora of issues. Whether it's men ghosting you and that

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Speaker 7: triggering you into having a mental breakdown, whether that's women

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Speaker 7: choosing men over their children, whether that's women leaving their

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Speaker 7: degrees and their work and their passions to follow a man.

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Speaker 7: Behind all of this validation and focus that is placed

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Speaker 7: on men, I use the Slumflower Hour podcast as a

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Speaker 7: site to dismantle that and provide women with actionable and

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Speaker 7: applicable tools to change that starting from now. I'm not

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Speaker 7: someone that likes to deal with the fluffy sort of

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Speaker 7: like woohoo. I think manifestation is powerful, but I believe

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Speaker 7: in taking action. You can sit from day in and

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Speaker 7: day out trying to manifest a man or, you can

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Speaker 7: make applicable and impactful changes to yourself and your environment

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Speaker 7: that will change the kind of atmospheres you're in, It

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Speaker 7: will change the kind of men you're around, and it

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Speaker 7: will change how you talk to men, and all of

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Speaker 7: those factors do have an impact on the outcome of

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Speaker 7: what your relationships with men end up looking like. And

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Speaker 7: so I like to consider myself very intellectual but motherly

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Speaker 7: at the same time, I think I'm like the older

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Speaker 7: sister who will pull you to aside and tell you

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Speaker 7: the things that maybe Mum didn't tell you because Mom

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Speaker 7: is maybe still in her pick me phase.

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Speaker 1: Do you guys use the phrase pick me over in La?

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Speaker 4: Yeah, we do. We're very with the pigmies. Yes, they're

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Speaker 4: still They're still live and.

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Speaker 1: Well, it's still that large.

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Speaker 6: There's a very live and well tribe of picknies here

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Speaker 6: in America.

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Speaker 7: We empathize with the pigmies because deep down pick mees

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Speaker 7: want to be loved and they see no way of

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Speaker 7: being loved outside of themselves bending for men's approval. But

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Speaker 7: the fallacy here that I wish women would recognize is

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Speaker 7: that the more you bend yourself for a man's approval,

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Speaker 7: the less men respect you, and you don't actually yield

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Speaker 7: any success from doing that. What you get at the

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Speaker 7: end of it, if you make it to the end alive,

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Speaker 7: is resentment and time that you're never.

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Speaker 1: Going to get back. Time is the most valuable thing

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Speaker 1: we have as women.

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Speaker 6: Girl, I've seen so many women, like my mom included,

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Speaker 6: just wastes so much time, so many talented, powerful women

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Speaker 6: that just give the fucking power because we've been just

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Speaker 6: brain and believing like our worth is so deeply tied

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Speaker 6: to our relationship status. And it's crazy, Like smart women,

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Speaker 6: powerful women, women I look up to, and I'm like,

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Speaker 6: how the fuck did you get this fucked up? All

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Speaker 6: for the love of a man, all for the all

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Speaker 6: for the just to say, I'm married, I have a boyfriend,

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Speaker 6: I'm kept. I really do appreciate like you're in your

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Speaker 6: like straight to the point, no sugar coated bullshit, because

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Speaker 6: I think women like need that. You know, we've been

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Speaker 6: kind of jipped into this idea that we need men

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Speaker 6: and we need relationships to be that like, to be valued,

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Speaker 6: and it's so fucked up when I was reading through

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Speaker 6: some of your book. It kind of reminded me, have

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Speaker 6: you heard of a Have you read bell Hooks, The Communion,

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Speaker 6: The Female Search for Love? It's like the modern time

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Speaker 6: version of that, And I like, I've been reading. They

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Speaker 6: always make fun of me because it's like withered. I've

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Speaker 6: been reading it for like a year, but it takes

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Speaker 6: so much I have to really pay attention on like

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Speaker 6: highlighting shit, because it's truly like dissects how deeply women

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Speaker 6: have been fucking brainwashed and how we are conditioned and

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Speaker 6: programmed and like domesticated from birth to kind of put

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Speaker 6: men first and put them on a pedestal and forget

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Speaker 6: about ourselves. And I was just reading your bio and

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Speaker 6: they were like feminists, and I was like, it's so crazy,

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Speaker 6: like are we modern feminists including us? But it's just

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Speaker 6: like no, I just went equal rights and to like

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Speaker 6: you loved actually and not like theoretically, I'm wondering, like

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Speaker 6: and even that word sorry, ok, I.

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Speaker 7: I was just gonna say, even that word feminist really

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Speaker 7: stands out to me because some people describe me as

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Speaker 7: a feminist. I describe myself as a feminist, but there

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Speaker 7: are people who disagree with me describing myself as a

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Speaker 7: feminist because a lot of my politic and practice revolves

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Speaker 7: around the idea that men need to open their wallets

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Speaker 7: and give us their money. I can't imagine laying with

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Speaker 7: a man and he's not making my life any better.

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Speaker 7: The reason why some women hear that and think, well,

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Speaker 7: this isn't feminist is because the foundational idea of feminism

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Speaker 7: is rooted in the idea of us working towards equality

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Speaker 7: with men, and you know, one size fits soul, fairness

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Speaker 7: for all. For me, I believe that women are far

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Speaker 7: and forever above men. We can never be equal to men.

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Speaker 7: We're superior to them, and it's okay to acknowledge that

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Speaker 7: trying to equalize yourself to men is you actually downgrading

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Speaker 7: yourself to a level that stunts your own growth and

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Speaker 7: is an insult to your divinity as a woman. So

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Speaker 7: I do believe as a woman you can be feminist

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Speaker 7: and also ask men for things and not feel like

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Speaker 7: this man is entitled to stuff from you, because that's

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Speaker 7: where I noticed a lot of women struggle with asking

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Speaker 7: for things. I think it's okay to ask men for

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Speaker 7: things given that we live in a world where men

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Speaker 7: feel no fear about asking us for some pussy. They

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Speaker 7: feel no fear about asking us for our number without

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Speaker 7: even having introduced themselves done anything to impress us. You

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Speaker 7: approach a stranger and you expect that woman to give

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Speaker 7: you her personal contact details because you like the way

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Speaker 7: her boobs bound.

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Speaker 1: Is everybody okay?

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Speaker 4: It's that's that's so true? Is that men do They don't.

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Speaker 4: They really don't have any sort of hang up when

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Speaker 4: it comes to to beginning the relationship already asking for shit.

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Speaker 4: Whereas women, we do, we have, we we resist. We

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Speaker 4: don't want to appear like we don't want to appear

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Speaker 4: like a pick me, even if everything that we're doing

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Speaker 4: is giving pick me. We don't want to ask for

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Speaker 4: especially financials. I mean for me that I've always I

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Speaker 4: was just having a conversation yes day with my friend.

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Speaker 4: I was like, I think that I've just the energy

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Speaker 4: that I've put out in the world, in this space

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Speaker 4: is not that of I need to be taken care

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Speaker 4: of by a man. And I don't know. I think

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Speaker 4: a lot of women that are sometimes I battle with

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Speaker 4: this word alpha female, but alpha females I think experience

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Speaker 4: this often of like men not thinking that they need

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Speaker 4: anything and so there for it's not offered and so.

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Speaker 4: And also the alpha female their ego not allowing them

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Speaker 4: to even fix their mouths to even ask for anything. Yea,

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Speaker 4: And I think a lot of that. I know that

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Speaker 4: I resonate with that. I've never been a woman that's

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Speaker 4: been like flute out and well, I've been flewed out

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Speaker 4: one time and it didn't go well for me. I

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Speaker 4: got dry humped and I had to escape the country.

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Speaker 4: I had to leave the country. But that's another story.

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Speaker 4: I find that whether you are but I find that

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Speaker 4: even whether you're alpha female or you're not, asking for

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Speaker 4: what you need, especially when it comes to finances, is

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Speaker 4: really tricky for women, including myself. And I don't know

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Speaker 4: where that I think I could say for me it

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Speaker 4: comes from I've come from a long line of strong

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Speaker 4: women that didn't ask for shit. But those long line

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Speaker 4: of women that didn't ask for shit were suffering. They've

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Speaker 4: been suffering. I look at I look at you, at

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Speaker 4: my mom. She's really successful, but it's always been on

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Speaker 4: her like there's been no one to come there's been

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Speaker 4: no man, even though she has a partner, there's been

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Speaker 4: no man to come in and save her financially, ever,

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Speaker 4: and I see myself kind of going down that same

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Speaker 4: road in ways, and I guess I'm curious, like what

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Speaker 4: do you have, Like how what advice would you give

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Speaker 4: to the alpha female who struggles with that, who has

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Speaker 4: her own right, like she can provide for herself. And

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Speaker 4: I think that's a lot of times too, why we

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Speaker 4: make these exceptions for men and are like, well, I

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Speaker 4: don't really need that because I already make this, so

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Speaker 4: I don't really need that. Do you think that that's

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Speaker 4: true in your opinion? Or should the alpha female who

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Speaker 4: has her own still have these expectations And if so,

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Speaker 4: how do we go about asking.

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Speaker 1: That is an incredible question.

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Speaker 7: And as an alpha female myself, I also don't like

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Speaker 7: that phrase because the word alpha female or alpha male

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Speaker 7: has so many stereotypes and connotations attached to it. But

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Speaker 7: I really resonate with your definition of being an alpha female,

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Speaker 7: where just like you, we're both successful women. We have

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Speaker 7: come from a lineage of women who have managed to

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Speaker 7: do it by themselves, whether they suffered or not, in

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Speaker 7: silence or out loud. For me, being an alfa woman

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Speaker 7: now looks like the fact that I have a career

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Speaker 7: that I have sustained by myself. I have an income

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Speaker 7: that allows me to live a lifestyle that is comfortable, beneficial,

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Speaker 7: and exciting for me. So when it comes to men

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Speaker 7: coming into my life, what's interesting is that I'm of

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Speaker 7: the belief that if a man's going to be in

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Speaker 7: my life and he's occupying a space that could be

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Speaker 7: considered intimate to a certain degree, he needs to be

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Speaker 7: making my life easier. Just because a woman is able

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Speaker 7: to sustain herself doesn't mean that there are not areas

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Speaker 7: that could be made easier. And what that looks like

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Speaker 7: is if you're going to be here hanging around enjoying

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Speaker 7: the exciting energy of talking to a sexy woman who

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Speaker 7: we both know is out of your league, then you're

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Speaker 7: going to need to pay your ties. You need to

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Speaker 7: pay your dues here, so you can pay my you

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Speaker 7: can send.

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Speaker 1: Me cash for shopping.

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Speaker 7: And I know this sounds ridiculous and unrealistic, but to

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Speaker 7: give context here, about maybe two years ago I decided

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Speaker 7: to become a dominatrix. I still consider myself quite early

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Speaker 7: in that journey. But what's very fascinating from what I've

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Speaker 7: noticed is it's not about asking men to do things

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Speaker 7: for you. It's about telling them to do it for

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Speaker 7: you with the belief and the faith that they're going

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Speaker 7: to do it. It's almost like that man should feel

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Speaker 7: flattered that you would even think he's capable enough to

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Speaker 7: do that for you, because depending on what you've asked

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Speaker 7: that man to do for you, it implies that he

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Speaker 7: has the ability. So if you've asked the man, hey,

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Speaker 7: I've got this shelf that i've ordered and I really

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Speaker 7: need it to be built, can you help me, he's

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Speaker 7: going to feel flattered that you think he can help him.

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Speaker 7: Of course, if he loves you, or if he likes you,

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Speaker 7: he's gonna want to help you. Or if you say

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Speaker 7: to a guy, it would really turn me on if

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Speaker 7: you brought me this bag. If he likes you, and

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Speaker 7: if it's within his means, he's going to do it.

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Speaker 1: Now. The issue here that.

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Speaker 7: A lot of women worry about or encounter is this

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Speaker 7: idea of, well, if a man is financially providing for me,

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Speaker 7: then doesn't this mean that I'm trapped and I owe

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Speaker 7: him things? But the issue with that sentiment that I

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Speaker 7: find is if you have your own money, the man

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Speaker 7: is not doing anything that you can't already do for yourself.

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Speaker 7: He's just temporarily alleviating that weight. If he decides that

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Speaker 7: he doesn't want to do it anymore, you're not going

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Speaker 7: back to zero. You're going back to what you were

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Speaker 7: already doing by yourself. For me as well, the reason

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Speaker 7: why I'm so hell bent on this particular idea that

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Speaker 7: a man needs to be making himself financially useful to

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Speaker 7: me is because we live in a world where women

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Speaker 7: are already socioeconomically disadvantaged, and for me, I've had to

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Speaker 7: sit and ask myself what's going to make it worth

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Speaker 7: it for me to lay with a man, especially if

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Speaker 7: that could result in me being pregnant, or if I

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Speaker 7: decide I'm going to marry him, what's going to make

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Speaker 7: it worth it? Because men can be a bit gross

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Speaker 7: sometimes that they can smell or if they like shape

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Speaker 7: their beds, the hair clippings and the sting. You know,

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Speaker 7: when a man enters your feminine space, you can tell

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Speaker 7: that a man has been here. So for me, when

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Speaker 7: I ask myself, what's going to make all of that worfit?

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Speaker 7: The man needs to be making my life financially easier. Now,

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Speaker 7: there could be another argument that, well, a man who

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Speaker 7: is able to pay all of your bills and take

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Speaker 7: care of you and send you money for shopping and

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Speaker 7: fly you wherever you.

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Speaker 1: Want to go. Those are only the one percenters.

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Speaker 7: That is propaganda that poor men have created to scare

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Speaker 7: women out of having high standards. And also, I don't

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Speaker 7: even consider it a high standard to expect a man

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Speaker 7: to provide because the role has been imposed on women

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Speaker 7: that we are here to be the primary caretakers of children.

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Speaker 7: We are here to not just carry children, but squeeze

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Speaker 7: them out of a tight hole. Shout to a type pussy,

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Speaker 7: but squeeze them out of a tight hole. And then

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Speaker 7: on top of that, we also most times, especially in

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Speaker 7: the black community, we end up being.

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Speaker 1: The primary providers as well.

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Speaker 7: So for all is able to not just bear a child,

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Speaker 7: grow the bones of that child in her body, push

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Speaker 7: that child out, breastfeed the child, sustain the child, raise

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Speaker 7: the child, and financially provide. You're telling me that it's

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Speaker 7: too much for a man to financially provide, it's not

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Speaker 7: too much. And the idea that they only exist in

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Speaker 7: the one percent propaganda because actually the one percent we're

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Speaker 7: referring to is billionaires. A man doesn't need to be

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Speaker 7: a billionaire for him to be able to provide for

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Speaker 7: you himself, and if you decide to start with him

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Speaker 7: a family. There are men who are making upwards six

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Speaker 7: figures who can more than provide enough for you himself

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Speaker 7: and the women that he might be cheating on you with.

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Speaker 4: But are those men okay providers? Yes? What about the

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Speaker 4: what about what else they provide outside of the financials,

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Speaker 4: because like, you can have that, but then you don't

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Speaker 4: have it. You don't have a man that is, you know,

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Speaker 4: an emotional support for you. You don't have a man

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Speaker 4: that communicates that, that provides these other I think valuable

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Speaker 4: things as well, because especially because as I can provide

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Speaker 4: these things for myself, So yes, why so at what

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Speaker 4: point does the finance is not even actually matter? Because

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Speaker 4: I could buy the bag myself, so you could buy it,

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Speaker 4: and then I didn't pay for it, and I say

386
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Speaker 4: a thousand dollars right cute? But then when I'm going

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Speaker 4: through something and I need support and I need someone

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Speaker 4: to help give me guidance and you don't all that

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Speaker 4: and you don't have you don't have that quality, then

390
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Speaker 4: what does it? What does it mean?

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Speaker 6: Because I like, do you not believe that there's such

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Speaker 6: thing as a man who has like this the financial

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Speaker 6: stability to support in that way and also the emotional

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Speaker 6: maturity and capacity to support in that way as well.

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Speaker 4: Do you think that that is just?

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Speaker 6: I mean, I know that we've been told that that's

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Speaker 6: just basically you're going to find a unicorn.

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Speaker 4: It's a rarity. It's very rare.

399
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Speaker 6: But I I'm wondering if that's what you believe, because you, like,

400
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Speaker 6: do you think that's generally the case you're talking to me, Yeah,

401
00:19:55,960 --> 00:19:58,639
Speaker 6: oh like that, Oh you're talking about that that I

402
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Speaker 6: can't find both like so that yeah, that coexists.

403
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Speaker 4: No, I think that they both exist, But I think

404
00:20:04,400 --> 00:20:07,280
Speaker 4: that I think they do. I think it's rare. I

405
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Speaker 4: think that a lot of times men have put so

406
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Speaker 4: much pressure in being providers that they they haven't put

407
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Speaker 4: any attention into how to be emotionally available, how to

408
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Speaker 4: and that a lot of times they don't even know

409
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Speaker 4: themselves because they've been put into this workforce of I

410
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Speaker 4: need to provide, I need to provide that they have

411
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Speaker 4: no connection to their their who they are, their body,

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Speaker 4: even like especially sexually, Like there's a lot of trauma,

413
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Speaker 4: a lot of dysfunction that happens. There's a lot I've met,

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Speaker 4: I've had men that it could provide, even like my

415
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Speaker 4: baby daddy, Like is he emotionally mature? No, I could

416
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Speaker 4: probably still be there right now and be having my

417
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Speaker 4: rempaid and have a g wagon and do all the

418
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Speaker 4: things and be but and and have my family together.

419
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Speaker 4: But am I emotionally provided for and for me? Like

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Speaker 4: I think for you? Know, I agreed with you to

421
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Speaker 4: an extent, But I also know that like the emotional

422
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Speaker 4: part of the relationship and the connection and the friendship

423
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Speaker 4: to me is more sustainable than anything a man could

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Speaker 4: provide me. And And I'm not trying to like overshadow

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Speaker 4: like blanket your what you feel, because I do have

426
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Speaker 4: questions about yeah, like what about the men that are

427
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Speaker 4: not financial providers right or can't or maybe don't make

428
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Speaker 4: as much as you, but are going to cook you

429
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Speaker 4: meals every single day when you wake up? Are going

430
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Speaker 4: to cook or when the moment you wake up you

431
00:21:39,560 --> 00:21:43,399
Speaker 4: have fucking coffee on your bedside, breakfast is made, trash

432
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Speaker 4: is taken out, sounds like the chef and the nanny

433
00:21:45,720 --> 00:21:51,280
Speaker 4: check check. I'm like, is that is that something that

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Speaker 4: you would ever compromise that part of your belief system

435
00:21:55,840 --> 00:21:59,320
Speaker 4: for or is the financials number one for you? Is

436
00:21:59,320 --> 00:22:00,280
Speaker 4: that a value you?

437
00:22:01,600 --> 00:22:02,800
Speaker 1: That's a beautiful question.

438
00:22:03,000 --> 00:22:07,000
Speaker 7: And to address your main concern about the emotional aspect

439
00:22:07,080 --> 00:22:09,840
Speaker 7: of having a provider partner, what I found in my

440
00:22:09,920 --> 00:22:12,560
Speaker 7: experience of being around men is I've had technology and

441
00:22:12,640 --> 00:22:16,400
Speaker 7: accept that emotional territory.

442
00:22:16,080 --> 00:22:17,000
Speaker 1: Is not men's strength.

443
00:22:17,119 --> 00:22:20,800
Speaker 7: Like if I want a support animal, I'm better off

444
00:22:21,160 --> 00:22:22,080
Speaker 7: getting an animal.

445
00:22:22,280 --> 00:22:22,840
Speaker 1: I'm obviously not.

446
00:22:22,880 --> 00:22:24,760
Speaker 7: I'm not trying to say that that's what you're looking for,

447
00:22:24,880 --> 00:22:28,119
Speaker 7: that's what you prefer, but it's the sarcasm of trying

448
00:22:28,160 --> 00:22:32,080
Speaker 7: to point at what's happening here where I think for

449
00:22:32,119 --> 00:22:34,280
Speaker 7: a lot of women, I don't think it's a mistake,

450
00:22:34,520 --> 00:22:37,960
Speaker 7: but I think that when we expect for men to

451
00:22:38,240 --> 00:22:42,640
Speaker 7: have the emotional insight that we do, it can feel

452
00:22:42,680 --> 00:22:44,680
Speaker 7: more disappointing for us. And this is why I believe

453
00:22:44,720 --> 00:22:47,280
Speaker 7: strongly in community. Like, for example, if I was dating

454
00:22:47,320 --> 00:22:48,880
Speaker 7: a man, or if I was partnered with a man

455
00:22:48,960 --> 00:22:51,640
Speaker 7: to enough of a degree where I feel impacted by

456
00:22:51,640 --> 00:22:54,240
Speaker 7: his behavior, one of my core beliefs is I don't

457
00:22:54,240 --> 00:22:56,720
Speaker 7: really believe in crying to a man about how badly

458
00:22:56,760 --> 00:22:59,880
Speaker 7: he's treating you. I believe in taking those emotions, processing

459
00:22:59,880 --> 00:23:02,119
Speaker 7: it maybe with your female friends or with someone that

460
00:23:02,160 --> 00:23:04,320
Speaker 7: you trust that it's not that man. And by the

461
00:23:04,320 --> 00:23:06,679
Speaker 7: time you've processed it, when you've come to him to

462
00:23:06,720 --> 00:23:09,679
Speaker 7: address the concerns, you're coming at it from a very

463
00:23:09,760 --> 00:23:14,760
Speaker 7: level headed and self controlled stance. Now, when it comes

464
00:23:14,760 --> 00:23:17,760
Speaker 7: to the emotions, I just think that that's not men's strength.

465
00:23:18,119 --> 00:23:19,480
Speaker 1: And I don't.

466
00:23:19,240 --> 00:23:24,679
Speaker 4: Necessarily mean like, yes, I saying to day like you're not.

467
00:23:25,640 --> 00:23:27,760
Speaker 4: I would hope that the person you're laying next to

468
00:23:28,400 --> 00:23:31,560
Speaker 4: you can have that they can be your friend and

469
00:23:31,600 --> 00:23:32,679
Speaker 4: they're not just oh.

470
00:23:32,520 --> 00:23:33,760
Speaker 1: Of course, at the bare minimum.

471
00:23:33,800 --> 00:23:35,959
Speaker 7: I mean a man who's taking care of me financially,

472
00:23:36,200 --> 00:23:37,359
Speaker 7: he's not someone that hates me.

473
00:23:37,520 --> 00:23:37,960
Speaker 1: Clearly.

474
00:23:39,560 --> 00:23:42,639
Speaker 7: I think I get what you're saying, though, because oftentimes

475
00:23:42,680 --> 00:23:45,159
Speaker 7: when we look at providers as a concept, it is

476
00:23:45,200 --> 00:23:50,639
Speaker 7: this sort of mechanical thing of he's simply providing the money,

477
00:23:50,800 --> 00:23:53,959
Speaker 7: there is no connection outside of that, when actually, in

478
00:23:54,000 --> 00:23:55,800
Speaker 7: my experience, the men who have provided for me are

479
00:23:55,800 --> 00:23:57,720
Speaker 7: men who have been very fond of me while things

480
00:23:57,720 --> 00:24:00,520
Speaker 7: were good. Emphasis on while things were good, because men

481
00:24:00,600 --> 00:24:02,359
Speaker 7: can switch up on you, and they will at some

482
00:24:02,400 --> 00:24:04,239
Speaker 7: point and it's not your fault. It's just a man

483
00:24:04,359 --> 00:24:06,720
Speaker 7: is going to man. But to answer the second point

484
00:24:06,760 --> 00:24:09,200
Speaker 7: of your to answer your second portion of your point

485
00:24:09,240 --> 00:24:11,360
Speaker 7: where you were talking about, what about if a man

486
00:24:11,440 --> 00:24:13,880
Speaker 7: hasn't got money, but he's a great cook and he's.

487
00:24:13,640 --> 00:24:14,400
Speaker 1: Just there for you.

488
00:24:15,320 --> 00:24:18,400
Speaker 7: This is where the roster comes in, because one man

489
00:24:18,440 --> 00:24:20,680
Speaker 7: can't be everything for you and I this is the

490
00:24:20,720 --> 00:24:23,080
Speaker 7: part where I actually agree that maybe we are putting

491
00:24:23,160 --> 00:24:26,920
Speaker 7: too much pressure on men by expecting them to be everything.

492
00:24:27,040 --> 00:24:30,880
Speaker 7: So how about we diversify the roles that way one

493
00:24:30,880 --> 00:24:33,520
Speaker 7: man doesn't feel pressured to be everything. But when I

494
00:24:33,560 --> 00:24:35,760
Speaker 7: say that that, I do get some pushbacks sometimes from

495
00:24:35,800 --> 00:24:38,399
Speaker 7: men and women because it's this whole idea of like,

496
00:24:38,920 --> 00:24:42,040
Speaker 7: you know, people do value monogamy, and people value that

497
00:24:42,160 --> 00:24:45,600
Speaker 7: intimacy and that sacredness of one to one relationship. And

498
00:24:45,640 --> 00:24:49,399
Speaker 7: I get that, but it's a man. And for me,

499
00:24:49,480 --> 00:24:53,320
Speaker 7: I've kind of trained myself to acknowledge and accept because

500
00:24:53,359 --> 00:24:56,600
Speaker 7: acceptance is key and everything right acknowledged, and I've accepted

501
00:24:57,119 --> 00:25:00,000
Speaker 7: a man is only going to operate at such a highlight,

502
00:25:00,400 --> 00:25:02,399
Speaker 7: like there's only so much a man can do for me.

503
00:25:03,000 --> 00:25:06,120
Speaker 7: Because even when it comes to money, like money isn't everything,

504
00:25:06,320 --> 00:25:07,920
Speaker 7: but love isn't everything either.

505
00:25:07,960 --> 00:25:10,679
Speaker 1: That's why I feel like I need both. And for me,

506
00:25:11,000 --> 00:25:11,440
Speaker 1: it's like.

507
00:25:11,440 --> 00:25:14,479
Speaker 7: There's various features of men that I come across in

508
00:25:14,560 --> 00:25:16,920
Speaker 7: different guys, and I'm like, oh, I like that about him,

509
00:25:17,080 --> 00:25:18,440
Speaker 7: but I like this about this guy.

510
00:25:18,680 --> 00:25:19,440
Speaker 1: So maybe the guy.

511
00:25:19,400 --> 00:25:22,800
Speaker 7: Who isn't got any money for me, but he can

512
00:25:22,880 --> 00:25:25,240
Speaker 7: do my do you guys have vinted in the States

513
00:25:25,320 --> 00:25:29,399
Speaker 7: or like Deep Hop Yeah, like Pashmark, Yeah, So like

514
00:25:29,400 --> 00:25:31,880
Speaker 7: he can do my Poshmark parcels for me, because that's

515
00:25:32,119 --> 00:25:33,719
Speaker 7: you know, he wants to be useful to me, and

516
00:25:33,720 --> 00:25:35,560
Speaker 7: that's endearing that he wants to do that for me.

517
00:25:35,800 --> 00:25:37,840
Speaker 7: Another guy who's got money, but you know what, we

518
00:25:37,880 --> 00:25:39,920
Speaker 7: don't have that kind of intimacy. I don't think I

519
00:25:39,960 --> 00:25:41,480
Speaker 7: see him as a boyfriend. But if you want to

520
00:25:41,520 --> 00:25:44,400
Speaker 7: do stuff for me, I'm more than willing to accept

521
00:25:44,400 --> 00:25:46,880
Speaker 7: your help in that way. Maybe another guy who's connected

522
00:25:46,920 --> 00:25:49,919
Speaker 7: in the industry and he's just like an angel for

523
00:25:49,960 --> 00:25:51,879
Speaker 7: me in the industry, where he just maybe I'm his

524
00:25:51,920 --> 00:25:54,159
Speaker 7: plus one for certain events and he gets me in

525
00:25:54,200 --> 00:25:56,280
Speaker 7: certain rooms or he speaks my names and rooms that

526
00:25:56,320 --> 00:25:58,440
Speaker 7: I'm not in yet. So I like to see men

527
00:25:58,520 --> 00:26:02,920
Speaker 7: as opportunity to improve my life, as opposed to seeing

528
00:26:02,960 --> 00:26:08,520
Speaker 7: men as a romantic, happy ending, because in the end, it's.

529
00:26:08,359 --> 00:26:11,800
Speaker 1: Still just a man. And I know that sounds.

530
00:26:11,520 --> 00:26:14,640
Speaker 7: So bleak and so dull, and like, ah, what about

531
00:26:14,720 --> 00:26:17,719
Speaker 7: true love? And it's like it's a man. I mean,

532
00:26:17,800 --> 00:26:19,520
Speaker 7: then don't sit there long and about true love.

533
00:26:19,920 --> 00:26:21,440
Speaker 4: I feel like that goes both ways.

534
00:26:21,520 --> 00:26:24,679
Speaker 6: It's it's we're human, you know, we're human, and I

535
00:26:24,680 --> 00:26:28,960
Speaker 6: think we both, especially women, put so much into being

536
00:26:29,040 --> 00:26:31,840
Speaker 6: everything for men because the society puts a lot of

537
00:26:31,840 --> 00:26:33,520
Speaker 6: pressure on us to do that, Like we have to

538
00:26:33,520 --> 00:26:35,480
Speaker 6: be the prettiest, we have to suck the best dick,

539
00:26:35,880 --> 00:26:37,240
Speaker 6: you know, we have to be the sexiest. But we

540
00:26:37,280 --> 00:26:39,159
Speaker 6: also can't be too sexy. You got to be like

541
00:26:39,200 --> 00:26:41,359
Speaker 6: a conservative sexy. But you can't be a gold digger.

542
00:26:41,359 --> 00:26:43,880
Speaker 6: But you gotta be successful and you gotta like ask

543
00:26:43,960 --> 00:26:45,640
Speaker 6: for stuff and get stuff, but not too much stuff

544
00:26:45,640 --> 00:26:47,680
Speaker 6: because you have that their own, Like there's all these

545
00:26:47,720 --> 00:26:50,280
Speaker 6: things and if and if a guy looks at another bitch,

546
00:26:50,320 --> 00:26:53,400
Speaker 6: even though he's going to because there's a thousand beautiful bitches,

547
00:26:53,680 --> 00:26:56,000
Speaker 6: then suddenly we're like we're not enough, you know what

548
00:26:56,000 --> 00:26:56,320
Speaker 6: I mean?

549
00:26:56,359 --> 00:26:57,280
Speaker 4: And I think vice versa.

550
00:26:57,359 --> 00:26:59,520
Speaker 6: I think we all have to remove this idea that

551
00:27:00,600 --> 00:27:03,560
Speaker 6: humans are going to check off every fucking box, because

552
00:27:03,560 --> 00:27:05,960
Speaker 6: we're going to fuck it up at some point. We're

553
00:27:05,960 --> 00:27:09,040
Speaker 6: going to disappoint each other, you know, like I'm going

554
00:27:09,160 --> 00:27:12,040
Speaker 6: to do some ho shit. You're gonna fucking do some

555
00:27:12,119 --> 00:27:15,200
Speaker 6: ho shit, because you know, we're some hoes, because we're

556
00:27:15,280 --> 00:27:19,240
Speaker 6: human and we have like animalistic you know, eyes, We

557
00:27:19,320 --> 00:27:22,840
Speaker 6: have fucking eyes, and there's like desires and there's luss

558
00:27:22,840 --> 00:27:26,560
Speaker 6: And I think that especially women have been so deeply

559
00:27:26,600 --> 00:27:30,560
Speaker 6: programmed by like this fairy tale Disney fucking princess bullshit

560
00:27:31,040 --> 00:27:33,600
Speaker 6: that we're like I'm gonna be swept off my feet

561
00:27:33,640 --> 00:27:35,560
Speaker 6: and he's never gonna look at another woman again, and

562
00:27:35,560 --> 00:27:38,000
Speaker 6: we're gonna have a pig afence and he's gonna only

563
00:27:38,000 --> 00:27:39,640
Speaker 6: want to kiss me in the mouth, and we're gonna

564
00:27:39,640 --> 00:27:41,800
Speaker 6: get married and my hair is gonna be pretty and

565
00:27:41,840 --> 00:27:43,760
Speaker 6: it's like no, bitch, like yes.

566
00:27:43,600 --> 00:27:44,560
Speaker 4: That could be possible.

567
00:27:44,760 --> 00:27:46,760
Speaker 1: And there's gonna be other bitches.

568
00:27:46,760 --> 00:27:49,840
Speaker 6: There's gonna be opportunities and check his phone, and there's

569
00:27:49,880 --> 00:27:53,560
Speaker 6: gonna be live you know, and like on both ends,

570
00:27:53,640 --> 00:27:57,040
Speaker 6: you know. But I think women fuck up, really, I

571
00:27:57,040 --> 00:28:00,240
Speaker 6: think men kind of have a more realistic idea that like, yeah,

572
00:28:00,240 --> 00:28:02,080
Speaker 6: I love you, bitch, but I'm gonna probably go to

573
00:28:02,119 --> 00:28:04,440
Speaker 6: the dr and find a bigger booty bitch, and I might,

574
00:28:04,800 --> 00:28:05,600
Speaker 6: you know, I don't know.

575
00:28:05,720 --> 00:28:09,280
Speaker 1: I always choose themselves. That's one thing I've learned from men.

576
00:28:10,160 --> 00:28:13,119
Speaker 6: That's true, that's true, But they've learned to choose themselves

577
00:28:13,160 --> 00:28:16,680
Speaker 6: without guilt. And when we choose ourselves, there's so much

578
00:28:16,680 --> 00:28:18,960
Speaker 6: shame attached to it, and so you can't even choose

579
00:28:18,960 --> 00:28:21,640
Speaker 6: yourself in fucking peace. You know, men are just you're

580
00:28:21,680 --> 00:28:24,760
Speaker 6: choosing themselves, leaving their kids, not giving three funds because

581
00:28:24,760 --> 00:28:27,960
Speaker 6: there's no there's no emotion or energy attached to it

582
00:28:28,000 --> 00:28:31,800
Speaker 6: because of the patriarchy. But as women, it's like and

583
00:28:31,840 --> 00:28:33,640
Speaker 6: that's what we're even talking about about our show being

584
00:28:33,640 --> 00:28:35,600
Speaker 6: called Bad Choices, Like, I know you just said your

585
00:28:35,640 --> 00:28:36,679
Speaker 6: mom made some bad choices.

586
00:28:36,720 --> 00:28:37,480
Speaker 4: But part of the.

587
00:28:37,480 --> 00:28:39,800
Speaker 6: Reason we named our show Bad Choices is because some

588
00:28:39,880 --> 00:28:40,960
Speaker 6: of this shit is not bad.

589
00:28:41,120 --> 00:28:42,600
Speaker 4: It's been we've been told it's bad.

590
00:28:42,880 --> 00:28:45,240
Speaker 6: But sometimes what I need to do to choose myself

591
00:28:45,320 --> 00:28:47,760
Speaker 6: is not necessarily bad, and you have to kind of

592
00:28:47,840 --> 00:28:50,120
Speaker 6: figure out what that fucking means for you. And I

593
00:28:50,160 --> 00:28:52,800
Speaker 6: think women have been so long in this journey of

594
00:28:52,880 --> 00:28:54,320
Speaker 6: like this is what it looks like to be a

595
00:28:54,320 --> 00:28:55,560
Speaker 6: good girl, This is what looks like to be a

596
00:28:55,600 --> 00:28:58,360
Speaker 6: good wife and to be accepted, you know, Like, no, bitch,

597
00:28:59,160 --> 00:29:02,000
Speaker 6: guys want the girl who's you know, they want this

598
00:29:02,240 --> 00:29:04,200
Speaker 6: porn star, but they don't marry the porn star. But

599
00:29:04,200 --> 00:29:06,040
Speaker 6: they're cheating on you with the porn stars. So it's

600
00:29:06,080 --> 00:29:10,160
Speaker 6: like very confusing, you know. But I feel like women

601
00:29:10,480 --> 00:29:12,120
Speaker 6: need to like kind of wake up out of the

602
00:29:12,240 --> 00:29:17,320
Speaker 6: fucking fairy tale and realize, bitch, you know, let's have

603
00:29:17,400 --> 00:29:22,040
Speaker 6: some like realistic expectations for everybody else, for all parties involved.

604
00:29:22,400 --> 00:29:26,240
Speaker 6: Would you say your ideal relationship is like not monogamous.

605
00:29:28,320 --> 00:29:31,120
Speaker 7: That's an interesting question because when I think about the

606
00:29:31,160 --> 00:29:33,400
Speaker 7: concept of an ideal relationship, I don't even know what

607
00:29:33,440 --> 00:29:36,480
Speaker 7: it is anymore. Like for me, I'm a very selfish woman.

608
00:29:37,200 --> 00:29:44,120
Speaker 7: I date men very selfishly. My ideal relationship is a

609
00:29:44,160 --> 00:29:46,920
Speaker 7: man who's just yes, Princess, are you sure? Are you

610
00:29:46,920 --> 00:29:48,720
Speaker 7: sure you don't want it in another color as well?

611
00:29:48,880 --> 00:29:51,200
Speaker 4: Are you in a relationship right now?

612
00:29:51,320 --> 00:29:52,600
Speaker 1: I'm not in a relationship at the moment.

613
00:29:52,760 --> 00:29:54,800
Speaker 4: When when was the last time you're in a relationship

614
00:29:54,800 --> 00:29:55,520
Speaker 4: and how long was.

615
00:29:57,880 --> 00:29:59,520
Speaker 7: I was talking about this today to a friend. Actually

616
00:29:59,560 --> 00:30:03,280
Speaker 7: the last relationship slash. Also the last guy I slept

617
00:30:03,320 --> 00:30:05,560
Speaker 7: with was in twenty twenty one, so you haven't had

618
00:30:05,560 --> 00:30:14,360
Speaker 7: sex and three years quite literally okay, celibate for okay, silent,

619
00:30:14,560 --> 00:30:16,000
Speaker 7: no dick, it is going to be clear.

620
00:30:16,160 --> 00:30:21,080
Speaker 1: No, that's joint for you. I'm leding this for you. Please,

621
00:30:21,200 --> 00:30:23,240
Speaker 1: California to London.

622
00:30:25,440 --> 00:30:29,880
Speaker 8: Hey for your girl's interesting, right, It's been three years

623
00:30:30,000 --> 00:30:31,800
Speaker 8: and it's not even I wouldn't even call it a

624
00:30:31,800 --> 00:30:32,640
Speaker 8: celibacy journey.

625
00:30:32,640 --> 00:30:33,360
Speaker 1: I'm not celibate.

626
00:30:33,480 --> 00:30:36,520
Speaker 7: It's just that I'm so aware of the reality of

627
00:30:36,600 --> 00:30:39,120
Speaker 7: men that I don't feel turned on by men unless

628
00:30:39,120 --> 00:30:41,120
Speaker 7: they give me a very good reason to be turned on.

629
00:30:41,600 --> 00:30:43,760
Speaker 7: And nowadays, what turns me on This is going to

630
00:30:43,840 --> 00:30:47,520
Speaker 7: sound so bad for lack of a better word, but

631
00:30:47,880 --> 00:30:50,680
Speaker 7: this is my truth. What turns me on is when

632
00:30:50,680 --> 00:30:53,800
Speaker 7: a man sends me money, Like I feel the moisture

633
00:30:53,840 --> 00:30:55,760
Speaker 7: between my legs, and a man sends me money, I'm like,

634
00:30:55,800 --> 00:30:58,640
Speaker 7: oh my god, it's go time you actually sent it.

635
00:31:03,160 --> 00:31:05,360
Speaker 4: How did we get here? How did we get here?

636
00:31:05,440 --> 00:31:07,960
Speaker 4: I want to know about your childhood. I want to

637
00:31:08,000 --> 00:31:11,400
Speaker 4: know how what is who was baby Shadeira? What kind

638
00:31:11,400 --> 00:31:13,800
Speaker 4: of family dynamic did you grow up to to become

639
00:31:13,840 --> 00:31:17,960
Speaker 4: this feminist who wants men for checks and not for

640
00:31:18,000 --> 00:31:20,040
Speaker 4: any the reason I'm curious.

641
00:31:20,120 --> 00:31:21,640
Speaker 6: I don't need to have sex for three years unless

642
00:31:21,640 --> 00:31:23,720
Speaker 6: you're really really best in the check, and even then

643
00:31:23,760 --> 00:31:24,600
Speaker 6: maybe not, probably not.

644
00:31:24,720 --> 00:31:27,920
Speaker 4: I want to know what was your family dynamic growing up?

645
00:31:28,880 --> 00:31:29,840
Speaker 1: Thank you for that question.

646
00:31:30,000 --> 00:31:33,520
Speaker 7: So earlier on in this conversation, I touched on the

647
00:31:33,600 --> 00:31:38,440
Speaker 7: fact that I really empathize and understand my mother because

648
00:31:38,480 --> 00:31:40,640
Speaker 7: she made, in my opinion, bad choices, and the bad

649
00:31:40,760 --> 00:31:43,440
Speaker 7: choices I was referring to is growing up, I had

650
00:31:43,440 --> 00:31:46,160
Speaker 7: a severely controlling.

651
00:31:45,600 --> 00:31:48,360
Speaker 1: Mother and she was angry at me a lot.

652
00:31:48,840 --> 00:31:51,120
Speaker 7: And now that I'm an adult and I'm old enough

653
00:31:51,160 --> 00:31:53,560
Speaker 7: to potentially be a mother, and I look at the

654
00:31:53,560 --> 00:31:56,440
Speaker 7: things that she was angry at a child for it's disproportionate.

655
00:31:56,520 --> 00:31:58,720
Speaker 7: It didn't make any sense to me that a mother

656
00:31:58,760 --> 00:32:01,800
Speaker 7: would be so angry at her child so controlling. The

657
00:32:01,840 --> 00:32:05,920
Speaker 7: punishment I would receive didn't match the thing that I did.

658
00:32:06,320 --> 00:32:10,520
Speaker 7: I've genuinely, in my experience and from my personal opinion,

659
00:32:10,560 --> 00:32:12,680
Speaker 7: growing up as a child, I felt like I was

660
00:32:12,680 --> 00:32:18,160
Speaker 7: in a very emotionally and physically abusive upbringing with my mother.

661
00:32:18,360 --> 00:32:20,840
Speaker 7: And as I get older and I start to speak

662
00:32:20,880 --> 00:32:23,520
Speaker 7: to more women who have become others, I'm joining the

663
00:32:23,560 --> 00:32:26,640
Speaker 7: dots and I'm recognizing that this is a woman who

664
00:32:26,800 --> 00:32:35,120
Speaker 7: had dreams, had passions, and societal programming and propaganda convinced

665
00:32:35,120 --> 00:32:37,800
Speaker 7: her to believe that she will find deep purpose and

666
00:32:37,920 --> 00:32:41,000
Speaker 7: meaning through having children and it will give her a

667
00:32:41,040 --> 00:32:44,400
Speaker 7: sense of identity that she doesn't need to create because

668
00:32:44,440 --> 00:32:47,000
Speaker 7: the children will give her identity. And so things were

669
00:32:47,040 --> 00:32:48,440
Speaker 7: all well and good when I was a baby, and

670
00:32:48,440 --> 00:32:50,840
Speaker 7: I didn't have much autonomy because I was just cute

671
00:32:51,120 --> 00:32:54,760
Speaker 7: and I relied entirely on her. But as I started

672
00:32:54,760 --> 00:32:58,480
Speaker 7: to develop complex thoughts, that was when my relationship with

673
00:32:58,520 --> 00:33:02,320
Speaker 7: my mother started to become more difficult. Where even though

674
00:33:02,320 --> 00:33:04,400
Speaker 7: I did my best to be such a good girl

675
00:33:04,480 --> 00:33:08,560
Speaker 7: like I was the exemplar child, aunties would look at

676
00:33:08,560 --> 00:33:11,160
Speaker 7: the way I'd behave and they would compliment and praise

677
00:33:11,160 --> 00:33:14,200
Speaker 7: my mother on what a good job she's done to

678
00:33:14,320 --> 00:33:17,400
Speaker 7: raise such an obedient daughter, when the reality is the

679
00:33:17,520 --> 00:33:21,600
Speaker 7: root of my obedience was fear of my mother coupled

680
00:33:21,640 --> 00:33:24,880
Speaker 7: with Nigerian culture, which is where I'm from from Nigeria,

681
00:33:25,040 --> 00:33:29,440
Speaker 7: Nigerian culture, which is incredibly patriarchal and misogynistic, the idea

682
00:33:29,560 --> 00:33:32,680
Speaker 7: that you must remain a virgin until you're married, the

683
00:33:32,760 --> 00:33:37,760
Speaker 7: idea that women are given punishments and are expected to

684
00:33:37,960 --> 00:33:42,200
Speaker 7: uphold accountability, but men are not necessarily raised the same way.

685
00:33:42,360 --> 00:33:44,280
Speaker 7: And as someone that was raising the household with two

686
00:33:44,320 --> 00:33:47,160
Speaker 7: younger brothers, I saw how that difference was in my

687
00:33:47,200 --> 00:33:50,520
Speaker 7: brother's relationship with my mom versus my relationship with my mom.

688
00:33:50,600 --> 00:33:53,880
Speaker 7: And I'm now in my sixth year of not speaking

689
00:33:53,880 --> 00:33:56,440
Speaker 7: to my mother, and I made that choice to disown

690
00:33:56,480 --> 00:33:59,600
Speaker 7: my mother, and it's something that I radically and deeply

691
00:33:59,640 --> 00:34:02,520
Speaker 7: stand by. A lot of people do preach the idea

692
00:34:02,520 --> 00:34:04,960
Speaker 7: of forgiveness, and even now that I'm in a headspace

693
00:34:05,000 --> 00:34:07,520
Speaker 7: where I've come to understand why my mother is the

694
00:34:07,560 --> 00:34:11,640
Speaker 7: way she is, I still don't forgive her, and that

695
00:34:11,719 --> 00:34:14,879
Speaker 7: has been very empowering for me to separate myself from her.

696
00:34:15,000 --> 00:34:18,080
Speaker 7: And so how this links into the way that I

697
00:34:18,160 --> 00:34:21,360
Speaker 7: approach my dealings with men is, to put it quite plainly,

698
00:34:21,960 --> 00:34:24,719
Speaker 7: if I can cut off my own mother, who is

699
00:34:24,760 --> 00:34:28,439
Speaker 7: the most important and the most foundational attachment I could

700
00:34:28,480 --> 00:34:30,640
Speaker 7: ever have in this lifetime, then what is a man

701
00:34:31,320 --> 00:34:34,319
Speaker 7: like my ability to walk away from men who make

702
00:34:34,360 --> 00:34:36,480
Speaker 7: me feel upset, or who are not of any use

703
00:34:36,520 --> 00:34:38,560
Speaker 7: to me, or who are lingering in my life longer

704
00:34:38,600 --> 00:34:41,839
Speaker 7: than they should is very a quick decision. And it's

705
00:34:41,840 --> 00:34:44,800
Speaker 7: not because I'm like, ooh, toxic, Oh, you can't be

706
00:34:44,840 --> 00:34:46,839
Speaker 7: grown up enough to have a conversation. It's more from

707
00:34:46,880 --> 00:34:50,600
Speaker 7: recognizing that people don't deserve to loiter in your life

708
00:34:50,640 --> 00:34:53,879
Speaker 7: if you recognize that they are bringing more harm than good.

709
00:34:54,280 --> 00:34:58,360
Speaker 7: And for me, cutting off my mother has allowed me

710
00:34:58,480 --> 00:35:01,520
Speaker 7: to protect myself from protect abuse because what I noticed

711
00:35:01,560 --> 00:35:05,239
Speaker 7: as a pattern is women who approach me with the

712
00:35:05,440 --> 00:35:08,799
Speaker 7: craziest of stories pertaining to things they've experienced at the

713
00:35:08,800 --> 00:35:12,200
Speaker 7: hands of men. More times than not, they had a

714
00:35:12,239 --> 00:35:15,080
Speaker 7: relationship with one of their parents that is abusive, and

715
00:35:15,120 --> 00:35:17,600
Speaker 7: they're probably still in contact with that parent. Most times,

716
00:35:17,600 --> 00:35:19,560
Speaker 7: it's the mother that they're in contact with who is

717
00:35:19,560 --> 00:35:22,279
Speaker 7: the abusive parent, and they're trying to find ways to

718
00:35:22,400 --> 00:35:24,560
Speaker 7: just force this foot into the shoe. You know, you're

719
00:35:24,600 --> 00:35:26,880
Speaker 7: really trying to make it work, and you're trying to

720
00:35:26,920 --> 00:35:29,880
Speaker 7: work around your mother, But in you absorbing that abuse

721
00:35:29,880 --> 00:35:33,320
Speaker 7: from your mother, you're still creating room for your body

722
00:35:33,360 --> 00:35:36,360
Speaker 7: to recognize abuse and see it as familiar. And I

723
00:35:36,440 --> 00:35:38,680
Speaker 7: know that it's not for everyone to cut their mother off.

724
00:35:38,719 --> 00:35:42,480
Speaker 7: Not everybody has the resources or safety, or convenience or

725
00:35:42,719 --> 00:35:45,880
Speaker 7: emotional strength to do so. But for anybody who might

726
00:35:45,920 --> 00:35:49,319
Speaker 7: be listening who is either considering cutting their mother off

727
00:35:49,440 --> 00:35:52,480
Speaker 7: or who has cut their mother off, I deeply salute you.

728
00:35:52,840 --> 00:35:54,120
Speaker 1: It is the hardest.

729
00:35:53,719 --> 00:35:56,400
Speaker 7: Decision any human being can make, and it was not

730
00:35:56,440 --> 00:35:59,239
Speaker 7: an easy decision. It From the age of seven, I

731
00:35:59,320 --> 00:36:02,800
Speaker 7: knew that I don't know my mom because she made

732
00:36:02,840 --> 00:36:06,960
Speaker 7: me feel so deeply hurt through doing things like imagine

733
00:36:07,000 --> 00:36:10,200
Speaker 7: you're a child doing something like forgetting to wash the

734
00:36:10,239 --> 00:36:13,839
Speaker 7: plates or just not following through on an order you've

735
00:36:13,840 --> 00:36:16,040
Speaker 7: given her, and you choose to stop speaking to her

736
00:36:16,120 --> 00:36:17,920
Speaker 7: in the same house you're living in for three days,

737
00:36:17,960 --> 00:36:21,320
Speaker 7: like my mum would physically ghost me. And as a child,

738
00:36:21,440 --> 00:36:24,880
Speaker 7: I didn't have enough brain cells to process this ghosting

739
00:36:25,040 --> 00:36:28,360
Speaker 7: as some sort of response to me doing something she

740
00:36:28,360 --> 00:36:30,640
Speaker 7: didn't like. I processed and understood it as I am

741
00:36:30,680 --> 00:36:34,480
Speaker 7: a bad child. I inherently believed that I was bad,

742
00:36:34,600 --> 00:36:39,680
Speaker 7: so I didn't associate my mother with peace and serenity

743
00:36:39,960 --> 00:36:43,319
Speaker 7: and safety. Anytime I was on my way home, I

744
00:36:43,360 --> 00:36:47,480
Speaker 7: felt like my body was physically producing the vital flight

745
00:36:47,560 --> 00:36:52,000
Speaker 7: symptoms of an increase in my heart beat, a sense

746
00:36:52,080 --> 00:36:54,239
Speaker 7: of feeling like I need to lie about something I

747
00:36:54,239 --> 00:36:56,360
Speaker 7: haven't even done yet because I know I'm in trouble.

748
00:36:56,400 --> 00:36:58,680
Speaker 7: That feeling of I feel like I'm in trouble, but

749
00:36:58,680 --> 00:37:00,279
Speaker 7: I don't know what I've done, but I feel like

750
00:37:00,320 --> 00:37:03,560
Speaker 7: I'm in trouble. Imagine feeling that every single day while

751
00:37:03,640 --> 00:37:05,960
Speaker 7: under the primary care of your mother. And my mother,

752
00:37:06,120 --> 00:37:09,200
Speaker 7: like I touched on earlier, it is also an awful woman.

753
00:37:09,719 --> 00:37:13,319
Speaker 7: And so my dad had no ability to protect me

754
00:37:13,520 --> 00:37:15,560
Speaker 7: from my mother because.

755
00:37:16,680 --> 00:37:20,200
Speaker 4: Your parents were married, Yeah are they? Are they still married?

756
00:37:21,120 --> 00:37:24,239
Speaker 7: No, not anymore, but like a twenty something year partnership

757
00:37:24,360 --> 00:37:28,759
Speaker 7: where my mother would exert that same dominion over my dad.

758
00:37:29,000 --> 00:37:31,360
Speaker 7: And I think it's interesting because my dad's are piscis

759
00:37:31,600 --> 00:37:33,920
Speaker 7: and my mom's Like on the Cancer Gemini Cast.

760
00:37:36,280 --> 00:37:37,640
Speaker 1: Twenty first of June.

761
00:37:37,320 --> 00:37:39,879
Speaker 4: Girl, your mother is Jamala.

762
00:37:39,680 --> 00:37:46,200
Speaker 7: Nold And what's interesting, right, is like, what's interesting is

763
00:37:46,239 --> 00:37:49,080
Speaker 7: that my dad is such a classic pieces like, with

764
00:37:49,160 --> 00:37:51,240
Speaker 7: all respects and love to my dad, and he noticed

765
00:37:51,239 --> 00:37:53,600
Speaker 7: about himself too, Piscey's men are not the men who

766
00:37:53,600 --> 00:37:55,880
Speaker 7: are going to fight back, like they kind of just

767
00:37:55,960 --> 00:37:56,319
Speaker 7: take it.

768
00:37:58,400 --> 00:38:03,759
Speaker 1: No fine for me, so I had to.

769
00:38:04,120 --> 00:38:05,520
Speaker 7: You know, I cut my own dad off for five

770
00:38:05,600 --> 00:38:07,640
Speaker 7: years and then it wasn't until the past maybe a

771
00:38:07,760 --> 00:38:10,640
Speaker 7: year ago plus, that I finally forgave him. But I

772
00:38:10,680 --> 00:38:13,920
Speaker 7: made him work for that forgiveness. With my mother, she's

773
00:38:13,960 --> 00:38:17,600
Speaker 7: not redeemable because she's actually not changed in any way.

774
00:38:18,000 --> 00:38:21,759
Speaker 7: And this is why it's hard, because it's like, I

775
00:38:21,800 --> 00:38:24,879
Speaker 7: think she is a good mother in the definition of

776
00:38:25,200 --> 00:38:31,000
Speaker 7: her version of good because she sacrificed herself for the

777
00:38:31,120 --> 00:38:35,640
Speaker 7: ability to be this like ever providing mother for her children.

778
00:38:35,680 --> 00:38:38,960
Speaker 7: In her definition, she's a good mother. But in my definition,

779
00:38:39,680 --> 00:38:41,960
Speaker 7: it's hard to say it because it doesn't sound very nice.

780
00:38:41,960 --> 00:38:43,680
Speaker 7: It doesn't feel nice to say either. But how I

781
00:38:43,719 --> 00:38:46,040
Speaker 7: see this is so I went to fashion school, right,

782
00:38:46,080 --> 00:38:49,960
Speaker 7: and you would spend hours, probably half a day, sewing

783
00:38:50,000 --> 00:38:53,680
Speaker 7: a garment, only to realize you've accidentally sewn it inside out.

784
00:38:54,160 --> 00:38:56,960
Speaker 7: Nobody is gonna come and say congratulations on sewing your

785
00:38:56,960 --> 00:38:59,080
Speaker 7: garment inside down. You still fit for the runway. You're

786
00:38:59,080 --> 00:39:01,920
Speaker 7: gonna have to understand it all and start again. And

787
00:39:02,000 --> 00:39:04,680
Speaker 7: this metaphor to me points to you could think you're

788
00:39:04,719 --> 00:39:07,360
Speaker 7: doing a great job as a mother, but sometimes the

789
00:39:07,440 --> 00:39:10,400
Speaker 7: damage is done. And when your adult children grow up

790
00:39:10,400 --> 00:39:12,080
Speaker 7: and decide they don't want to speak to you. And

791
00:39:12,239 --> 00:39:14,320
Speaker 7: it feels hard to say this because you're both mothers,

792
00:39:14,840 --> 00:39:16,400
Speaker 7: but I feel like it's important for you to hear

793
00:39:16,440 --> 00:39:18,319
Speaker 7: this from an adult child because you're one day going

794
00:39:18,400 --> 00:39:22,200
Speaker 7: to have adult children. But if your adult child has

795
00:39:22,239 --> 00:39:24,799
Speaker 7: decided to not speak to you, something has gone wrong

796
00:39:24,800 --> 00:39:27,279
Speaker 7: on your part as the parent, and that might be

797
00:39:27,320 --> 00:39:30,640
Speaker 7: hard to hear for mothers listening to this because I also,

798
00:39:30,680 --> 00:39:32,880
Speaker 7: at the same time, believe in the idea that we

799
00:39:32,920 --> 00:39:35,120
Speaker 7: should respect our mothers. They gave us life, and I

800
00:39:35,239 --> 00:39:38,280
Speaker 7: deeply do respect mothers, including my own mother. I respect

801
00:39:38,280 --> 00:39:40,480
Speaker 7: my mother enough to not cuss her out. I'd rather

802
00:39:40,520 --> 00:39:43,040
Speaker 7: cut her off than cuss her out because I respect her.

803
00:39:44,400 --> 00:39:46,800
Speaker 7: I respect my mother enough to even when I'm speaking

804
00:39:46,840 --> 00:39:51,880
Speaker 7: about her on a public domain like this, I like

805
00:39:51,960 --> 00:39:54,480
Speaker 7: I hold space for the reality that she was doing

806
00:39:54,520 --> 00:39:56,839
Speaker 7: what she thought was her best. But like I said,

807
00:39:56,880 --> 00:39:58,800
Speaker 7: with sow in that garment, you could spend twelve hours

808
00:39:58,800 --> 00:40:00,600
Speaker 7: sung a garment, but it's inside out. You have to

809
00:40:00,600 --> 00:40:04,560
Speaker 7: start again so for me, I feel like I'm the

810
00:40:04,600 --> 00:40:07,440
Speaker 7: outcome of you've sown the garment inside out, but you

811
00:40:07,560 --> 00:40:09,520
Speaker 7: refuse to start again because you've given all this time

812
00:40:09,600 --> 00:40:11,480
Speaker 7: to it and now you're like, well, I did my

813
00:40:11,520 --> 00:40:14,160
Speaker 7: best and you're gonna have to just deal with it.

814
00:40:14,160 --> 00:40:15,960
Speaker 7: I'm your mother, and it's like, you know what, there

815
00:40:15,960 --> 00:40:19,880
Speaker 7: are mothers who make that mistake, and unfortunately it's not redeemable.

816
00:40:20,120 --> 00:40:22,480
Speaker 7: And sometimes I feel bad for my mother. Not bad

817
00:40:22,600 --> 00:40:24,399
Speaker 7: enough to go and start talking to her because that's

818
00:40:24,440 --> 00:40:28,040
Speaker 7: harmful for me, but I feel bad for her knowing that, like, wow,

819
00:40:28,080 --> 00:40:31,239
Speaker 7: you're still alive, so you still have time to recognize

820
00:40:31,280 --> 00:40:34,399
Speaker 7: where you've gone wrong. But it's too painful to look

821
00:40:34,440 --> 00:40:36,560
Speaker 7: into where you went wrong, because if you start to

822
00:40:36,600 --> 00:40:38,880
Speaker 7: probe into where you went wrong as a mother, you

823
00:40:39,040 --> 00:40:41,400
Speaker 7: also have to probe into your own identity and what

824
00:40:41,480 --> 00:40:43,440
Speaker 7: went wrong in your upbringing, which means you have to

825
00:40:43,480 --> 00:40:45,719
Speaker 7: also look into what happened to your mother, and that

826
00:40:45,880 --> 00:40:52,120
Speaker 7: is a generational like it's like a generational layer of

827
00:40:52,320 --> 00:40:57,280
Speaker 7: trauma that you have to start unpacking. And most women

828
00:40:57,360 --> 00:41:00,640
Speaker 7: who were born in the sixties seventies, I'm not prepared

829
00:41:00,680 --> 00:41:05,440
Speaker 7: to do that because it's painful but it's not an excuse.

830
00:41:05,520 --> 00:41:07,319
Speaker 7: It's just like you're going to have to accept that

831
00:41:07,360 --> 00:41:10,719
Speaker 7: the outcome of you refusing to acknowledge that painful discomfort

832
00:41:10,840 --> 00:41:14,239
Speaker 7: is you losing your child. You losing your child while

833
00:41:14,239 --> 00:41:16,239
Speaker 7: they're still alive, and it's painful for both of us.

834
00:41:16,239 --> 00:41:18,920
Speaker 7: But I'd rather live with the pain of never speaking

835
00:41:18,960 --> 00:41:21,000
Speaker 7: to my mother again than to live with the pain

836
00:41:21,080 --> 00:41:22,960
Speaker 7: of having my mother in my life, because that's how

837
00:41:23,040 --> 00:41:25,280
Speaker 7: dangerous she is for my mental health and my well being.

838
00:41:26,800 --> 00:41:27,640
Speaker 4: That's so powerful.

839
00:41:27,680 --> 00:41:30,960
Speaker 6: I think a lot of times, as women or just

840
00:41:31,000 --> 00:41:34,040
Speaker 6: in general, we hear about women having daddy issues. We

841
00:41:34,440 --> 00:41:36,799
Speaker 6: always hear about women having daddy issues. But the mother

842
00:41:36,960 --> 00:41:40,759
Speaker 6: daughter dynamic is a very complex one, and it generally, yeah,

843
00:41:40,800 --> 00:41:42,960
Speaker 6: you're just supposed to love and respect your mother, but

844
00:41:43,000 --> 00:41:46,200
Speaker 6: there's sometimes there's this dynamic. And I remember thinking about

845
00:41:46,239 --> 00:41:48,160
Speaker 6: my dad like I know you see this shit, like

846
00:41:48,200 --> 00:41:51,399
Speaker 6: why aren't you saying anything, and thinking like he would

847
00:41:51,600 --> 00:41:54,120
Speaker 6: he would like disappear. He was trying to get out too,

848
00:41:54,239 --> 00:41:57,680
Speaker 6: but I couldn't leave, and I was like, damn this weak,

849
00:41:57,800 --> 00:41:59,640
Speaker 6: Like you can leave, I can't.

850
00:42:00,120 --> 00:42:06,720
Speaker 4: But also just like this, the idea that.

851
00:42:06,640 --> 00:42:12,279
Speaker 6: You you sometimes go into adult relationships allowing people to

852
00:42:13,800 --> 00:42:16,320
Speaker 6: diminish your character or talk down to you or whatever,

853
00:42:16,320 --> 00:42:18,480
Speaker 6: because that's the relationship you have with your mother, and

854
00:42:18,480 --> 00:42:21,719
Speaker 6: that's truly more the most formative and like sometimes the

855
00:42:22,280 --> 00:42:25,560
Speaker 6: niggas we date are actually reflecting our mothers, but we're

856
00:42:25,560 --> 00:42:28,080
Speaker 6: so busy thinking it's daddy issues that we're not really

857
00:42:28,280 --> 00:42:30,279
Speaker 6: thinking about, like, damn, how did my mom talk to me?

858
00:42:30,440 --> 00:42:33,319
Speaker 6: How did that build my self esteem? How does like

859
00:42:33,520 --> 00:42:35,160
Speaker 6: you know, and I'm still in a relationship with her

860
00:42:35,200 --> 00:42:37,400
Speaker 6: because me and my mom have had a complex relationship

861
00:42:37,600 --> 00:42:40,239
Speaker 6: and now it's much better, but it's taken a long time.

862
00:42:40,280 --> 00:42:43,480
Speaker 6: But back to what you said about, like most women

863
00:42:43,560 --> 00:42:46,520
Speaker 6: of a certain age don't even have the wherewithal to

864
00:42:46,680 --> 00:42:50,120
Speaker 6: start even peeling back the layers of what kind of

865
00:42:50,160 --> 00:42:52,279
Speaker 6: mother did I receive? And how is that affecting how

866
00:42:52,320 --> 00:42:55,360
Speaker 6: I'm parenting and how I show up because it's so painful,

867
00:42:55,360 --> 00:42:57,839
Speaker 6: Like they literally cannot do it. They would have rather

868
00:42:58,000 --> 00:42:59,759
Speaker 6: just not talk to their kid and be like it's

869
00:42:59,800 --> 00:43:02,000
Speaker 6: her and like sometimes it's cultural.

870
00:43:02,120 --> 00:43:03,759
Speaker 4: It is cultural cultural.

871
00:43:04,360 --> 00:43:11,600
Speaker 9: I'm high cultural cultural. You know it's cultural, but you know,

872
00:43:11,800 --> 00:43:15,279
Speaker 9: but I'm wondering hearing you say this, what along your

873
00:43:15,360 --> 00:43:18,239
Speaker 9: journey with this mother, because I'm always curious about that too.

874
00:43:18,280 --> 00:43:22,440
Speaker 9: We're all like particular women telling our business, you know,

875
00:43:22,560 --> 00:43:25,520
Speaker 9: on a public platform, something that we've you know, for

876
00:43:25,560 --> 00:43:28,120
Speaker 9: the most part, been told is bad, not to tell

877
00:43:28,160 --> 00:43:30,040
Speaker 9: your business, not to say anything, you know.

878
00:43:30,200 --> 00:43:32,280
Speaker 4: Out of the outside of the box.

879
00:43:32,760 --> 00:43:37,000
Speaker 6: But like what point in your growth in your being

880
00:43:37,120 --> 00:43:40,400
Speaker 6: raised that you said, you know what, I can't do

881
00:43:40,480 --> 00:43:43,239
Speaker 6: this shit anymore. And I'm good and I'm going to

882
00:43:43,320 --> 00:43:45,920
Speaker 6: stand on that. And I know what my family might

883
00:43:45,960 --> 00:43:47,360
Speaker 6: say about me, and I know what it's going to

884
00:43:47,400 --> 00:43:48,799
Speaker 6: look like and when people are going to tell me.

885
00:43:49,080 --> 00:43:52,880
Speaker 6: But I'm okay with like this boundary, even with this

886
00:43:52,960 --> 00:43:55,359
Speaker 6: person who's the closest to me, because I understand how

887
00:43:55,560 --> 00:43:57,319
Speaker 6: harmful that is to me, because I so I know

888
00:43:57,360 --> 00:43:59,960
Speaker 6: so many people children who will never make that decision

889
00:44:00,040 --> 00:44:02,759
Speaker 6: because of just the standard of the parent, you know,

890
00:44:02,880 --> 00:44:05,960
Speaker 6: the parent child dynamic. So I'm just wondering, what was

891
00:44:05,960 --> 00:44:09,480
Speaker 6: that moment for you, Like this is that important?

892
00:44:10,280 --> 00:44:11,360
Speaker 1: That's a powerful question.

893
00:44:11,400 --> 00:44:14,680
Speaker 7: And for me, the whole reason why I even have

894
00:44:14,760 --> 00:44:18,160
Speaker 7: a career now is because this whole thing started out

895
00:44:18,200 --> 00:44:20,439
Speaker 7: as my exit plan to get away from my mom.

896
00:44:21,160 --> 00:44:24,279
Speaker 7: I thought, you know what, Okay, it's the beginning of

897
00:44:24,320 --> 00:44:26,920
Speaker 7: the Do you remember, back before we had influencers, there

898
00:44:26,920 --> 00:44:30,440
Speaker 7: were bloggers, like fashion bloggers. I used to be a

899
00:44:30,440 --> 00:44:33,759
Speaker 7: fashion blogger. This is before influencers started to become an

900
00:44:33,840 --> 00:44:35,839
Speaker 7: established thing. So this would have been back in maybe

901
00:44:35,880 --> 00:44:38,600
Speaker 7: like twenty fourteen, twenty fifteen. I would have been in

902
00:44:38,640 --> 00:44:43,040
Speaker 7: my super early twenties, and back then weren't really getting

903
00:44:43,040 --> 00:44:43,920
Speaker 7: paid to do anything.

904
00:44:43,920 --> 00:44:45,919
Speaker 1: But you get gifted like a shoe or a bag,

905
00:44:45,960 --> 00:44:47,720
Speaker 1: and you're like whaa major.

906
00:44:48,560 --> 00:44:52,120
Speaker 7: And so as things started to slowly evolve, I started

907
00:44:52,120 --> 00:44:53,879
Speaker 7: to make a little bit of money here and there,

908
00:44:54,400 --> 00:44:57,239
Speaker 7: until one day I landed an added as campaign and

909
00:44:57,320 --> 00:45:00,439
Speaker 7: it was a billboard campaign and back then and added

910
00:45:00,480 --> 00:45:03,640
Speaker 7: that's paid me twenty five thousand pounds, and I was like,

911
00:45:03,840 --> 00:45:06,400
Speaker 7: this is the biggest money I've ever gotten in my life.

912
00:45:06,920 --> 00:45:09,880
Speaker 7: And that was when I was like, hmm, I'm twenty

913
00:45:09,920 --> 00:45:12,799
Speaker 7: two and I've just landed this added as campaign. I'm

914
00:45:12,840 --> 00:45:14,399
Speaker 7: not going to tell my mother how much I've made

915
00:45:14,400 --> 00:45:17,279
Speaker 7: from it, because from early on, once I started making

916
00:45:17,320 --> 00:45:19,000
Speaker 7: some money, I started to learn to not tell my

917
00:45:19,040 --> 00:45:21,480
Speaker 7: mom how much I'm making because she would financially abuse me.

918
00:45:22,600 --> 00:45:25,319
Speaker 7: And what I mean by the financial abuse is she

919
00:45:25,440 --> 00:45:27,879
Speaker 7: would make me buy things for her because she knew

920
00:45:27,920 --> 00:45:30,160
Speaker 7: I had money, and I wasn't in enough of a

921
00:45:30,200 --> 00:45:32,480
Speaker 7: position to say no because I'm living in her house.

922
00:45:32,520 --> 00:45:35,640
Speaker 7: And you know what it's like for anybody who's listening,

923
00:45:35,640 --> 00:45:39,959
Speaker 7: if you're living with somebody who is emotionally or even

924
00:45:39,960 --> 00:45:44,120
Speaker 7: physically slash both abusive, saying no it's not an option.

925
00:45:44,360 --> 00:45:46,680
Speaker 7: It's easier and more peaceful to just go along with it,

926
00:45:46,719 --> 00:45:49,319
Speaker 7: and that's how the abuse evolves. So for me, I learned, okay,

927
00:45:49,320 --> 00:45:52,279
Speaker 7: once I got this added as campaign, I'm gonna save

928
00:45:52,400 --> 00:45:54,000
Speaker 7: all of the money and that's going to be my

929
00:45:54,160 --> 00:45:56,440
Speaker 7: year's rent for wherever I'm going to move to. So

930
00:45:56,480 --> 00:46:00,680
Speaker 7: I was secretly booking viewings for flats with a state agents,

931
00:46:00,719 --> 00:46:04,200
Speaker 7: whispering on the phone to take these calls. And then

932
00:46:04,280 --> 00:46:06,040
Speaker 7: one day I found the flat which I'm still living

933
00:46:06,120 --> 00:46:08,240
Speaker 7: at now that I thought this is going to motivate

934
00:46:08,239 --> 00:46:09,960
Speaker 7: me to want to stay here, because it's a beautiful

935
00:46:10,040 --> 00:46:14,719
Speaker 7: one bedroom riverside apartment in a part of London that

936
00:46:14,760 --> 00:46:17,840
Speaker 7: I really like being in. And so once I signed

937
00:46:17,880 --> 00:46:21,240
Speaker 7: the papers to start renting the flat, it was after

938
00:46:21,280 --> 00:46:23,439
Speaker 7: I signed that I told my mother that I'm moving out,

939
00:46:24,040 --> 00:46:27,280
Speaker 7: and I got the most diabolical response from her. Initially

940
00:46:27,280 --> 00:46:29,000
Speaker 7: she pretended to be okay with it, but I knew

941
00:46:29,000 --> 00:46:32,640
Speaker 7: that it was genuine. And then a day later, I

942
00:46:32,760 --> 00:46:36,120
Speaker 7: got maybe like two hundred and fifty plus messages of

943
00:46:36,200 --> 00:46:39,399
Speaker 7: abuse from her via WhatsApp of her calling me all

944
00:46:39,440 --> 00:46:41,200
Speaker 7: the worst things. The one that stood out the most

945
00:46:41,200 --> 00:46:42,840
Speaker 7: to me that I'll never forget is she said to

946
00:46:42,880 --> 00:46:45,799
Speaker 7: me that she hopes that if I love someone, that

947
00:46:45,800 --> 00:46:48,839
Speaker 7: they never loved me back, and she hopes that if

948
00:46:48,880 --> 00:46:51,920
Speaker 7: I was to decide to become pregnant, she hopes that

949
00:46:51,960 --> 00:46:54,439
Speaker 7: I experienced complications so that I can see how hard

950
00:46:54,440 --> 00:46:57,160
Speaker 7: it is to be a mother. And after her saying

951
00:46:57,320 --> 00:47:00,759
Speaker 7: all of that, amongst two hundred and something the messages,

952
00:47:00,880 --> 00:47:02,640
Speaker 7: I knew that I'm done.

953
00:47:02,680 --> 00:47:03,319
Speaker 1: I can't do this.

954
00:47:03,360 --> 00:47:05,600
Speaker 7: And there's still things that I left behind at her

955
00:47:05,640 --> 00:47:09,080
Speaker 7: house that I haven't gone back to get because I

956
00:47:09,120 --> 00:47:12,439
Speaker 7: would rather say goodbye so designer amazing one of one

957
00:47:12,520 --> 00:47:14,880
Speaker 7: things that I've been gifted over the years, or that

958
00:47:14,920 --> 00:47:17,399
Speaker 7: I've bought with my money back in the day, than

959
00:47:17,440 --> 00:47:19,359
Speaker 7: to go back and face her. I've actually not seen

960
00:47:19,400 --> 00:47:22,279
Speaker 7: her face to face since I cut her off six

961
00:47:22,360 --> 00:47:25,959
Speaker 7: years ago, and for me, that decision to finally bite

962
00:47:25,960 --> 00:47:28,640
Speaker 7: the bullet came from first of all years of preparation

963
00:47:28,719 --> 00:47:30,719
Speaker 7: to even feel brave enough to do it, because any

964
00:47:30,760 --> 00:47:34,000
Speaker 7: person who is living in an abusive situation knows that

965
00:47:35,040 --> 00:47:38,200
Speaker 7: just leave is not that simple. You have to mentally

966
00:47:38,280 --> 00:47:41,520
Speaker 7: leave first and then you physically leave later. So what

967
00:47:41,680 --> 00:47:45,360
Speaker 7: mentally leaving first looks like is I started doing therapy

968
00:47:45,680 --> 00:47:48,239
Speaker 7: because I knew that something was wrong, but I kept

969
00:47:48,280 --> 00:47:50,600
Speaker 7: it a secret that I was in therapy because culturally

970
00:47:51,520 --> 00:47:54,240
Speaker 7: African mothers and I think it's a similar with Caribbean

971
00:47:54,280 --> 00:47:56,800
Speaker 7: parents as well, but there's this stigma attached to therapy.

972
00:47:57,360 --> 00:47:59,759
Speaker 7: The immediate response that you get from an African parent

973
00:47:59,760 --> 00:48:01,360
Speaker 7: when you tell them that you're in therapy, which is

974
00:48:01,360 --> 00:48:03,279
Speaker 7: the response I got from my mother, I was, so,

975
00:48:03,280 --> 00:48:05,680
Speaker 7: you're telling a therapist about me, which is interesting because

976
00:48:05,680 --> 00:48:07,640
Speaker 7: she kind of told herself by assuming that I'm going

977
00:48:07,640 --> 00:48:09,840
Speaker 7: to therapy because of her. It's like yeah, yeah, it

978
00:48:09,960 --> 00:48:12,839
Speaker 7: was literally out, yeah, like, girl, you're the reason I'm

979
00:48:12,840 --> 00:48:17,520
Speaker 7: paying sixty pounds per one hour therapy session. I spent

980
00:48:17,640 --> 00:48:23,640
Speaker 7: six years in therapy, and for the first maybe two

981
00:48:23,719 --> 00:48:26,279
Speaker 7: years of therapy, I was psyching myself up to leave,

982
00:48:27,239 --> 00:48:30,560
Speaker 7: and when I finally left, I felt really bad.

983
00:48:30,600 --> 00:48:31,719
Speaker 1: I felt so guilty.

984
00:48:32,280 --> 00:48:34,399
Speaker 7: I felt all of the feelings that any person who's

985
00:48:34,480 --> 00:48:40,760
Speaker 7: left their abuser would feel, the feeling of oh, my goodness,

986
00:48:40,880 --> 00:48:44,120
Speaker 7: like I've I've harmed. I've harmed the person who has

987
00:48:44,120 --> 00:48:46,800
Speaker 7: been psychologically harming me for all these years by removing

988
00:48:46,800 --> 00:48:49,279
Speaker 7: myself from their ability to harm me.

989
00:48:50,640 --> 00:48:52,239
Speaker 1: But as time passed and.

990
00:48:52,200 --> 00:48:55,560
Speaker 7: I started to experience more harassment from her, you know,

991
00:48:55,680 --> 00:48:57,319
Speaker 7: it was you know, because when you move out and

992
00:48:57,440 --> 00:49:00,360
Speaker 7: separate itself from an abuser, just because you've physically moved.

993
00:49:00,239 --> 00:49:01,600
Speaker 1: The way doesn't mean that it's going to end.

994
00:49:01,719 --> 00:49:03,799
Speaker 7: Like they will still be calling you to harass you,

995
00:49:04,520 --> 00:49:06,560
Speaker 7: whatever they can do to get into your head and

996
00:49:06,680 --> 00:49:08,520
Speaker 7: ruin your day. That was what my mother was doing

997
00:49:08,560 --> 00:49:11,000
Speaker 7: for years until this day. You know, she chooses Christmas

998
00:49:11,040 --> 00:49:15,760
Speaker 7: and Birthdays to try and rattle me. But I've become

999
00:49:15,800 --> 00:49:20,160
Speaker 7: so strong now where it doesn't affect me anymore in

1000
00:49:20,200 --> 00:49:21,120
Speaker 7: the way that it used to.

1001
00:49:21,880 --> 00:49:23,360
Speaker 1: It's disappointing knowing.

1002
00:49:23,200 --> 00:49:25,440
Speaker 7: That my mother is never going to be in a

1003
00:49:25,480 --> 00:49:28,800
Speaker 7: place where I'm going to get the apology that I deserved.

1004
00:49:28,840 --> 00:49:32,160
Speaker 7: Because again, for my mother to even apologize to me.

1005
00:49:33,440 --> 00:49:36,439
Speaker 7: She would need to first of all, accept that there's

1006
00:49:36,480 --> 00:49:39,279
Speaker 7: something that she needs to be sorry for. And for

1007
00:49:39,320 --> 00:49:41,000
Speaker 7: her to accept that there's something she needs to be

1008
00:49:41,040 --> 00:49:43,479
Speaker 7: sorry for, she needs to believe that she's flawed. My mother,

1009
00:49:43,520 --> 00:49:47,040
Speaker 7: according to her, has no flaws whatsoever. People who are

1010
00:49:47,080 --> 00:49:51,680
Speaker 7: capable of emotionally harming their children in this way, they

1011
00:49:51,680 --> 00:49:54,640
Speaker 7: don't believe that they're in the wrong. And so you

1012
00:49:54,680 --> 00:49:56,480
Speaker 7: get to a stage as an adult child where you

1013
00:49:56,520 --> 00:49:59,440
Speaker 7: start to understand your mother or whoever.

1014
00:49:59,080 --> 00:50:01,319
Speaker 1: The parent was did this to you.

1015
00:50:01,320 --> 00:50:03,640
Speaker 7: You genuinely start to understand them from a place of

1016
00:50:04,200 --> 00:50:07,399
Speaker 7: this person does not have the capacity to operate at

1017
00:50:07,400 --> 00:50:09,759
Speaker 7: the level of self awareness that I have developed from

1018
00:50:09,840 --> 00:50:13,719
Speaker 7: therapy and from being accountable. So with that being kept

1019
00:50:13,719 --> 00:50:16,120
Speaker 7: in mind, it will be ridiculous of me to sit

1020
00:50:16,160 --> 00:50:20,000
Speaker 7: around waiting for her to one day just realize all

1021
00:50:20,040 --> 00:50:22,120
Speaker 7: of the things she did wrong as a mother. That's

1022
00:50:22,160 --> 00:50:23,920
Speaker 7: not going to happen. And so I've had to make

1023
00:50:23,960 --> 00:50:27,440
Speaker 7: my own peace with that. And it's hard, because you know,

1024
00:50:28,400 --> 00:50:32,160
Speaker 7: I've had well meaning people, both my age and elders

1025
00:50:32,239 --> 00:50:34,040
Speaker 7: say to me, you know, one day you're going to

1026
00:50:34,080 --> 00:50:36,040
Speaker 7: regret not speaking to your mom. You know, time is

1027
00:50:36,080 --> 00:50:38,839
Speaker 7: going your mom's getting older, And I find that really

1028
00:50:38,840 --> 00:50:42,359
Speaker 7: hard to hear, because people don't say to mothers who

1029
00:50:42,440 --> 00:50:44,759
Speaker 7: have pushed their children far enough away from them to

1030
00:50:44,800 --> 00:50:46,560
Speaker 7: not speak to them anymore, that one day your kid

1031
00:50:46,640 --> 00:50:48,640
Speaker 7: might die while you're alive, and you're not going to

1032
00:50:48,680 --> 00:50:51,040
Speaker 7: get to be able to tell your kids all the

1033
00:50:51,040 --> 00:50:53,080
Speaker 7: things that you're sorry for. You know, a lot of

1034
00:50:53,120 --> 00:50:56,280
Speaker 7: the weight and emphasis is placed on the adult child,

1035
00:50:56,360 --> 00:50:58,880
Speaker 7: and it's deeply painful to hear that. I think another

1036
00:50:58,880 --> 00:51:01,880
Speaker 7: thing that's really hard to hear or really hard to

1037
00:51:02,320 --> 00:51:05,040
Speaker 7: come to terms with, is you know, like I don't

1038
00:51:05,040 --> 00:51:07,799
Speaker 7: wish my mother any ill, but you know, one day

1039
00:51:07,960 --> 00:51:11,320
Speaker 7: I might get a phone call of the inevitable bad news,

1040
00:51:11,880 --> 00:51:13,839
Speaker 7: and I will have to live with the choice that

1041
00:51:13,920 --> 00:51:16,799
Speaker 7: I made to not speak to her. And I don't

1042
00:51:16,840 --> 00:51:18,640
Speaker 7: know how I'm going to navigate that when it happens.

1043
00:51:18,680 --> 00:51:21,640
Speaker 7: But what I do know is that I made this

1044
00:51:21,760 --> 00:51:26,759
Speaker 7: choice for a reason, and my relationship with my mother

1045
00:51:27,280 --> 00:51:30,480
Speaker 7: is personal and unique to me. So however I decide

1046
00:51:30,520 --> 00:51:33,360
Speaker 7: to grieve that, whether it's me grieving the absence of

1047
00:51:33,400 --> 00:51:36,120
Speaker 7: our relationship or me grieving her not being on this

1048
00:51:36,160 --> 00:51:38,640
Speaker 7: planet anymore, depending on whoever whichever one.

1049
00:51:38,520 --> 00:51:39,320
Speaker 1: Of us goes first.

1050
00:51:40,360 --> 00:51:42,759
Speaker 7: Whatever I'm grieving, it has to come from a place

1051
00:51:42,800 --> 00:51:45,640
Speaker 7: of acceptance in knowing that I made this decision to

1052
00:51:45,719 --> 00:51:48,840
Speaker 7: protect myself. And weirdly enough, even though cutting off my

1053
00:51:48,880 --> 00:51:53,080
Speaker 7: mother for her bad choices is the hardest thing I've done,

1054
00:51:53,160 --> 00:51:56,480
Speaker 7: it's also the best everthing I've done for myself. Because

1055
00:51:57,000 --> 00:52:00,840
Speaker 7: sometimes when your mother speaks words into you, those.

1056
00:52:00,600 --> 00:52:01,600
Speaker 1: Words carry power.

1057
00:52:01,680 --> 00:52:04,319
Speaker 7: So if your mother is speaking life into you, you

1058
00:52:04,440 --> 00:52:07,560
Speaker 7: feel more empowered to navigate the world. When your mother

1059
00:52:07,680 --> 00:52:13,960
Speaker 7: is speaking negativity and downsizing you and using painful words

1060
00:52:14,040 --> 00:52:17,680
Speaker 7: to cut you down for her to find you more

1061
00:52:17,719 --> 00:52:20,319
Speaker 7: malleable for her abuse, that affects the way you view

1062
00:52:20,320 --> 00:52:23,120
Speaker 7: yourself in relation to the world. And so once I

1063
00:52:23,160 --> 00:52:25,239
Speaker 7: cut my mother off, I started to slowly become more

1064
00:52:25,239 --> 00:52:28,800
Speaker 7: confident in myself. And I feel very proud of the

1065
00:52:28,800 --> 00:52:31,279
Speaker 7: strength that I have that if I can endure the

1066
00:52:31,320 --> 00:52:34,200
Speaker 7: wound of cutting off my own mother, like I could

1067
00:52:34,200 --> 00:52:36,759
Speaker 7: probably fight a bit of my own hands. It's that

1068
00:52:36,880 --> 00:52:39,520
Speaker 7: kind of mental belief of I can do anything, I

1069
00:52:39,560 --> 00:52:42,760
Speaker 7: can do hard things. I can live with the pain

1070
00:52:42,880 --> 00:52:45,320
Speaker 7: of cutting my mother off at such a young age

1071
00:52:45,480 --> 00:52:50,520
Speaker 7: and maintain that choice throughout my ongoing life. And you

1072
00:52:50,520 --> 00:52:54,040
Speaker 7: know the same strength applies to when I go to

1073
00:52:54,440 --> 00:52:57,600
Speaker 7: dance classes and I struggle with orientation and picking up choreography,

1074
00:52:57,640 --> 00:53:00,239
Speaker 7: but amund myself. I can do hard things. I cut

1075
00:53:00,280 --> 00:53:02,439
Speaker 7: my own mom off so I can learn this dance

1076
00:53:02,520 --> 00:53:04,839
Speaker 7: routine because it's the same faculty of the brain in

1077
00:53:05,280 --> 00:53:08,840
Speaker 7: you telling yourself you can't do it, because oftentimes the

1078
00:53:08,920 --> 00:53:10,680
Speaker 7: voice that we have that tells us we can't do

1079
00:53:10,719 --> 00:53:12,920
Speaker 7: it is one of our parents' voices. And my mum,

1080
00:53:13,040 --> 00:53:16,000
Speaker 7: I know that she struggled a lot with perfectionism and

1081
00:53:16,600 --> 00:53:20,640
Speaker 7: that imposed self perfectionism. She projected that onto me, and

1082
00:53:20,719 --> 00:53:22,759
Speaker 7: I know she wasn't doing it to be evil. This

1083
00:53:22,840 --> 00:53:26,280
Speaker 7: is the thing like when we're discussing people who abuse others.

1084
00:53:26,640 --> 00:53:29,040
Speaker 7: When I think about the mindset of somebody who's capable

1085
00:53:29,040 --> 00:53:31,440
Speaker 7: of doing that to their own child, I don't necessarily

1086
00:53:31,520 --> 00:53:33,239
Speaker 7: think that all of them give birth to a child

1087
00:53:33,239 --> 00:53:34,960
Speaker 7: and they're like, right, can't wait to abuse you and

1088
00:53:35,160 --> 00:53:38,560
Speaker 7: completely dissemble your character. It's coming from a place of

1089
00:53:39,200 --> 00:53:41,040
Speaker 7: I'm deeply scared of the world and I want to

1090
00:53:41,080 --> 00:53:44,040
Speaker 7: protect you, so I'm going to overcompensate, but also I'm

1091
00:53:44,120 --> 00:53:44,880
Speaker 7: kind of jealous of you.

1092
00:53:44,920 --> 00:53:46,600
Speaker 1: Because I've birthed.

1093
00:53:46,239 --> 00:53:51,040
Speaker 7: You into a country and an array of opportunities that

1094
00:53:51,120 --> 00:53:53,319
Speaker 7: I never had. And as you grow older, I start

1095
00:53:53,360 --> 00:53:55,360
Speaker 7: to see more of myself in you as my child,

1096
00:53:55,680 --> 00:53:58,680
Speaker 7: and I start to see that you are excelling in

1097
00:53:58,719 --> 00:54:01,120
Speaker 7: ways that I didn't get to at your age, and

1098
00:54:01,280 --> 00:54:03,080
Speaker 7: you've now reached the age that I was when I

1099
00:54:03,120 --> 00:54:05,040
Speaker 7: had you, and I didn't get to do those things

1100
00:54:05,040 --> 00:54:07,000
Speaker 7: for myself, but you get to live this free life

1101
00:54:07,080 --> 00:54:10,280
Speaker 7: for yourself, partially because I raised you in a safe environment,

1102
00:54:10,480 --> 00:54:12,359
Speaker 7: but also because I birthed you in a country where

1103
00:54:12,360 --> 00:54:15,680
Speaker 7: you have opportunities. And I'm jealous, Like those things are

1104
00:54:15,840 --> 00:54:18,359
Speaker 7: multiple themes happening where mothers can be jealous of their

1105
00:54:18,440 --> 00:54:21,239
Speaker 7: daughters as well, and that was something that I dealt

1106
00:54:21,239 --> 00:54:24,600
Speaker 7: with deeply. And so now that I'm detached from my mother,

1107
00:54:25,440 --> 00:54:27,000
Speaker 7: and this is why I found it so important to

1108
00:54:27,480 --> 00:54:29,839
Speaker 7: have this conversation with you both on this podcast, because

1109
00:54:29,840 --> 00:54:31,719
Speaker 7: this genuinely feels like a really safe space to have

1110
00:54:31,760 --> 00:54:34,839
Speaker 7: this conversation, And this is my first time genuinely talking

1111
00:54:34,920 --> 00:54:37,720
Speaker 7: about this at this level of length. Like for years,

1112
00:54:38,160 --> 00:54:40,640
Speaker 7: I stopped even mentioning my mother, even on my own podcast,

1113
00:54:40,640 --> 00:54:43,239
Speaker 7: I don't talk about my mother because I feel this

1114
00:54:43,360 --> 00:54:45,680
Speaker 7: sense of it's so ironic, right, like the desire to

1115
00:54:45,719 --> 00:54:49,480
Speaker 7: protect your abuser, and even calling her abuser feels uncomfortable

1116
00:54:49,480 --> 00:54:51,839
Speaker 7: because it's not like the whole time I was in

1117
00:54:51,880 --> 00:54:53,480
Speaker 7: her care, she was just abusing me.

1118
00:54:53,560 --> 00:54:55,360
Speaker 1: But it's like it was enough abuse for me to

1119
00:54:55,400 --> 00:54:56,400
Speaker 1: call it abusa.

1120
00:54:57,080 --> 00:54:59,719
Speaker 7: But like, for a long time, I felt very protective

1121
00:54:59,719 --> 00:55:02,520
Speaker 7: of her because I understand what went wrong. But I

1122
00:55:02,600 --> 00:55:07,319
Speaker 7: know that if I'm having a conversation with two strong, beautiful, understanding,

1123
00:55:07,400 --> 00:55:10,719
Speaker 7: intelligent black women who are also mothers, the context of

1124
00:55:10,719 --> 00:55:13,920
Speaker 7: the conversation is different because the nature of your audience

1125
00:55:14,320 --> 00:55:17,320
Speaker 7: largely is mothers, and there is still time for anybody

1126
00:55:17,360 --> 00:55:20,000
Speaker 7: who's listening who is a mother. There is still time

1127
00:55:20,520 --> 00:55:23,360
Speaker 7: to repair the damage that you might have done. It

1128
00:55:23,400 --> 00:55:27,239
Speaker 7: will be uncomfortable, but there is nothing more uncomfortable than

1129
00:55:27,360 --> 00:55:30,200
Speaker 7: losing access to your child while they're still alive. Like

1130
00:55:30,239 --> 00:55:32,320
Speaker 7: you're probably better off having a child who is physically

1131
00:55:32,360 --> 00:55:34,160
Speaker 7: dead so that you can make peace of knowing that

1132
00:55:34,200 --> 00:55:36,080
Speaker 7: you're never going to hear from them, But to have

1133
00:55:36,120 --> 00:55:38,879
Speaker 7: a child who's still alive and you can sometimes see

1134
00:55:38,880 --> 00:55:40,600
Speaker 7: them on the internet or you hear about them through

1135
00:55:40,640 --> 00:55:43,879
Speaker 7: relatives that I can't even imagine how painful that must

1136
00:55:43,920 --> 00:55:46,680
Speaker 7: be for my mother. But that's a choice that she made,

1137
00:55:47,160 --> 00:55:48,800
Speaker 7: and she's going to have to live with that choice,

1138
00:55:48,880 --> 00:55:50,480
Speaker 7: just like I have to live with the choice of

1139
00:55:51,280 --> 00:55:52,319
Speaker 7: disowning my own mother.

1140
00:55:56,520 --> 00:55:57,000
Speaker 1: Wow.

1141
00:55:57,440 --> 00:56:01,200
Speaker 4: Yeah, I just want to say thank you your vulnerability,

1142
00:56:01,719 --> 00:56:08,160
Speaker 4: for your just how eloquently you've shared such a vulnerable

1143
00:56:09,840 --> 00:56:12,759
Speaker 4: major piece of who you are and how you show up.

1144
00:56:12,920 --> 00:56:15,680
Speaker 4: It's really like I'm almost like moved to tears thinking

1145
00:56:15,800 --> 00:56:19,960
Speaker 4: like listening to you as a mother, because uh, it's

1146
00:56:21,600 --> 00:56:24,839
Speaker 4: I can't imagine what what that feels like, and how

1147
00:56:24,960 --> 00:56:31,120
Speaker 4: and how incredibly challenging that has to be, and thinking about, yes,

1148
00:56:31,680 --> 00:56:36,759
Speaker 4: it is not your responsibility, you are the child, and

1149
00:56:36,760 --> 00:56:39,640
Speaker 4: and how many mothers listening have who are mothers have

1150
00:56:39,760 --> 00:56:42,960
Speaker 4: been you also and are and are and are now

1151
00:56:43,040 --> 00:56:46,160
Speaker 4: over even having to self regulate in that space, the

1152
00:56:46,239 --> 00:56:50,200
Speaker 4: overcompensating and what that looks like being a victim of

1153
00:56:50,239 --> 00:56:54,080
Speaker 4: something like that. So I thank you so much for

1154
00:56:54,160 --> 00:56:57,400
Speaker 4: sharing that, because I just want to everyone listening to

1155
00:56:57,600 --> 00:57:01,840
Speaker 4: really really contemplate how that that's, whether that's shown up

1156
00:57:01,840 --> 00:57:03,719
Speaker 4: in your life, whether it's playing out in your life

1157
00:57:03,800 --> 00:57:10,000
Speaker 4: right now, and how do you shift, how do you acknowledge,

1158
00:57:10,280 --> 00:57:15,160
Speaker 4: how do you begin the steps of forgiveness, of of

1159
00:57:15,160 --> 00:57:19,240
Speaker 4: acknowledgement all of it, you know, and it's thank you,

1160
00:57:19,280 --> 00:57:23,800
Speaker 4: thank you for sharing all. And I'm really I'm curious

1161
00:57:23,840 --> 00:57:26,640
Speaker 4: because I think Mila's right, like this is a you know,

1162
00:57:26,680 --> 00:57:29,960
Speaker 4: you think about daddy issues. That's always like the topic

1163
00:57:30,040 --> 00:57:34,160
Speaker 4: of conversation, and we don't really know how we don't

1164
00:57:34,200 --> 00:57:37,800
Speaker 4: really talk about how mommy issues show up in your

1165
00:57:37,880 --> 00:57:41,840
Speaker 4: dating life because you know, you you you do comment

1166
00:57:41,880 --> 00:57:44,720
Speaker 4: on I mean, most of your commentary is in dating,

1167
00:57:44,760 --> 00:57:47,320
Speaker 4: a lot of dating and vimy female empowerment and and

1168
00:57:47,400 --> 00:57:50,800
Speaker 4: coming back to yourself and then acting on that. But

1169
00:57:51,080 --> 00:57:55,680
Speaker 4: how do you think personally these things showed up for

1170
00:57:55,720 --> 00:57:57,560
Speaker 4: you prior to cutting her off? I mean, I don't know,

1171
00:57:57,680 --> 00:58:01,480
Speaker 4: maybe you can share both how your mommy issues or

1172
00:58:01,520 --> 00:58:05,080
Speaker 4: these things have impacted you in your dating in dating,

1173
00:58:05,320 --> 00:58:07,240
Speaker 4: because I think a lot of people haven't, like she said,

1174
00:58:07,320 --> 00:58:10,160
Speaker 4: even thought about it. Like it's either like, oh it's

1175
00:58:10,200 --> 00:58:12,560
Speaker 4: him or these are my daddy issues showing up? Like

1176
00:58:12,640 --> 00:58:14,520
Speaker 4: how have that? How has that shown up for you?

1177
00:58:16,240 --> 00:58:18,800
Speaker 7: That's such an incredible question because when I think about

1178
00:58:18,800 --> 00:58:21,080
Speaker 7: how my mommy issues showed up for me in my

1179
00:58:21,240 --> 00:58:25,920
Speaker 7: dating experiences with men. Where the main issues affected me

1180
00:58:26,000 --> 00:58:30,400
Speaker 7: in relation to dating men, was constantly feeling like I

1181
00:58:30,480 --> 00:58:34,080
Speaker 7: need to prove I'm lovable by being useful to men,

1182
00:58:34,760 --> 00:58:38,800
Speaker 7: because for me to get my mother's love and appraise

1183
00:58:38,840 --> 00:58:43,120
Speaker 7: all and approval was when I achieved things or when

1184
00:58:43,360 --> 00:58:46,920
Speaker 7: I was obedient to her in a way that betrayed myself.

1185
00:58:47,680 --> 00:58:51,360
Speaker 7: And so when I then think about how those behaviors

1186
00:58:51,400 --> 00:58:54,040
Speaker 7: reflected in the ways that I would navigate being around men,

1187
00:58:54,600 --> 00:58:57,880
Speaker 7: I found myself over compensating with men. I found myself

1188
00:58:58,160 --> 00:59:01,200
Speaker 7: deliberately gravitating towards broke men who can't do anything for

1189
00:59:01,320 --> 00:59:03,840
Speaker 7: me because I felt like I could control them to

1190
00:59:03,920 --> 00:59:06,160
Speaker 7: a certain degree in knowing that, well, you know, you

1191
00:59:06,200 --> 00:59:08,520
Speaker 7: haven't got money, so you know, you don't really have

1192
00:59:08,600 --> 00:59:10,479
Speaker 7: much of an option here, do you, Like you kind

1193
00:59:10,480 --> 00:59:12,480
Speaker 7: of have to be with me because it's like, who's

1194
00:59:12,480 --> 00:59:14,560
Speaker 7: really going to pick you?

1195
00:59:13,440 --> 00:59:16,320
Speaker 1: Like, like, I kind of saw it in that way.

1196
00:59:16,720 --> 00:59:19,000
Speaker 7: But what was interesting was that I was still allowing

1197
00:59:19,040 --> 00:59:22,560
Speaker 7: myself to be terrorized by broke men who couldn't do

1198
00:59:22,640 --> 00:59:24,480
Speaker 7: anything for me, and I placed a lot of emphasis

1199
00:59:24,520 --> 00:59:27,840
Speaker 7: on broke men because when men don't have money, they

1200
00:59:27,920 --> 00:59:31,880
Speaker 7: are very foul to be around, largely because most men

1201
00:59:31,960 --> 00:59:37,160
Speaker 7: build their self esteem on their money, their success, their achievements,

1202
00:59:37,240 --> 00:59:40,240
Speaker 7: and money plays a huge role in a man's identity.

1203
00:59:40,720 --> 00:59:43,840
Speaker 7: And so when I would gravitate towards these men, I

1204
00:59:43,880 --> 00:59:46,440
Speaker 7: would project these dreams onto them of.

1205
00:59:46,720 --> 00:59:48,520
Speaker 1: You know, one day, when you get your money up.

1206
00:59:48,400 --> 00:59:53,400
Speaker 7: And you improve thanks to me building you, then this

1207
00:59:53,480 --> 00:59:55,760
Speaker 7: is going to be the amazing relationship will have. I

1208
00:59:55,760 --> 01:00:00,280
Speaker 7: felt this desire and need to build men because it

1209
01:00:00,360 --> 01:00:05,280
Speaker 7: almost felt like I'm being useful, I'm earning the love.

1210
01:00:05,560 --> 01:00:08,280
Speaker 7: I'm making sure this man feels like he can't not

1211
01:00:08,480 --> 01:00:10,560
Speaker 7: love me because look at all I've done for you.

1212
01:00:11,160 --> 01:00:14,400
Speaker 7: But what's interesting as well, in terms of how my

1213
01:00:14,760 --> 01:00:17,240
Speaker 7: influence of my mother impacts the way that I navigate

1214
01:00:17,280 --> 01:00:21,120
Speaker 7: men now, is so most of the traits that I

1215
01:00:21,160 --> 01:00:25,280
Speaker 7: admire about myself ironically come from my mother. So my

1216
01:00:25,360 --> 01:00:28,240
Speaker 7: mom is a very stylish woman, Like I remember when

1217
01:00:28,240 --> 01:00:30,760
Speaker 7: she'd come to pick me up from school, primary school.

1218
01:00:30,800 --> 01:00:32,680
Speaker 7: So this is like the age of ten and under,

1219
01:00:33,120 --> 01:00:35,360
Speaker 7: and I used to initially feel so embarrassed that she'll

1220
01:00:35,400 --> 01:00:38,680
Speaker 7: be the mother coming up with the short skir and

1221
01:00:38,760 --> 01:00:41,080
Speaker 7: like boob sitting up because she had boobs done, and

1222
01:00:41,120 --> 01:00:43,120
Speaker 7: like she always just looked so nice. And I felt

1223
01:00:43,120 --> 01:00:45,160
Speaker 7: embarrassed because I'm like, oh, my god, mom's overdressed to

1224
01:00:45,160 --> 01:00:45,640
Speaker 7: come get me.

1225
01:00:45,640 --> 01:00:49,360
Speaker 1: But now that I'm old, I'm like, that's iconic her.

1226
01:00:50,680 --> 01:00:53,960
Speaker 7: Even my mom's way of like the way my mom

1227
01:00:54,000 --> 01:00:56,360
Speaker 7: talks to men, Like sometimes I follow my mom to

1228
01:00:56,480 --> 01:01:00,280
Speaker 7: the butchers or the market, and I would observe the

1229
01:01:00,280 --> 01:01:03,400
Speaker 7: way that she would navigate talking to men to get her.

1230
01:01:03,320 --> 01:01:05,600
Speaker 1: Way through a child's ears.

1231
01:01:06,520 --> 01:01:09,480
Speaker 7: I would just hear her playfully flirting with these men.

1232
01:01:09,600 --> 01:01:11,320
Speaker 7: But now that I'm an adult and I look back

1233
01:01:11,360 --> 01:01:11,800
Speaker 7: and I'm.

1234
01:01:11,600 --> 01:01:13,880
Speaker 1: Like, oh, she was so smart. She knew how to

1235
01:01:13,880 --> 01:01:15,720
Speaker 1: play the game to get a discount on the meat.

1236
01:01:15,880 --> 01:01:17,080
Speaker 1: That is so smart.

1237
01:01:17,880 --> 01:01:22,439
Speaker 7: And even the directness in which I saw my mom

1238
01:01:22,480 --> 01:01:24,640
Speaker 7: speak to men who would be trying to chat her up.

1239
01:01:25,040 --> 01:01:29,640
Speaker 1: That was where I slowly started to pick up Oh okay.

1240
01:01:29,160 --> 01:01:32,600
Speaker 7: This sassy persona Another thing my mom always said to me,

1241
01:01:32,600 --> 01:01:34,160
Speaker 7: which is funny that she would say that to me

1242
01:01:34,200 --> 01:01:36,760
Speaker 7: as a child. From one of my earliest memories of

1243
01:01:36,840 --> 01:01:40,400
Speaker 7: having deep conversations with my mother would be her saying

1244
01:01:40,440 --> 01:01:45,120
Speaker 7: to me, my daughter, if I die, promised me that

1245
01:01:45,240 --> 01:01:47,800
Speaker 7: you will not marry poor. And it always stuck with

1246
01:01:47,880 --> 01:01:50,360
Speaker 7: me because it's like, that's interesting that my mom's like

1247
01:01:50,840 --> 01:01:54,000
Speaker 7: hypothetical dying wish, partying wish. The last thing she could

1248
01:01:54,000 --> 01:01:55,680
Speaker 7: ever say to her daughter is do not marry a

1249
01:01:55,760 --> 01:01:58,960
Speaker 7: broke man. And at first I found it relat I'm like.

1250
01:01:59,680 --> 01:02:01,360
Speaker 1: Yeah, I'll got that really stuck.

1251
01:02:01,600 --> 01:02:04,720
Speaker 7: And I'm sure a psychologist or therapist listening would have

1252
01:02:04,760 --> 01:02:08,600
Speaker 7: some fascinating commentary on that, because isn't it ironic that

1253
01:02:08,840 --> 01:02:12,120
Speaker 7: the woman who completely destroyed my self esteem is also

1254
01:02:12,160 --> 01:02:14,680
Speaker 7: the woman who taught me to have self esteem pertaining

1255
01:02:14,720 --> 01:02:17,160
Speaker 7: to men. And it's funny that that stuck her whole

1256
01:02:17,200 --> 01:02:20,160
Speaker 7: idea of like, do not marry poor, because on the

1257
01:02:20,240 --> 01:02:22,760
Speaker 7: surface of hearing that, it sounds so, oh my god,

1258
01:02:22,800 --> 01:02:24,840
Speaker 7: that's so materialistic and that's so vapid.

1259
01:02:24,880 --> 01:02:26,800
Speaker 1: But when I think about.

1260
01:02:26,560 --> 01:02:29,840
Speaker 7: The reality of it, coming from a mother who was

1261
01:02:29,880 --> 01:02:34,840
Speaker 7: the primary caregiver of three children and who also was

1262
01:02:34,960 --> 01:02:36,880
Speaker 7: I think she was the breadwinner. When I look back,

1263
01:02:37,720 --> 01:02:40,000
Speaker 7: it makes sense that she would say to her adult, well,

1264
01:02:40,120 --> 01:02:42,440
Speaker 7: say to her daughter, when you grow up and your

1265
01:02:42,520 --> 01:02:44,560
Speaker 7: age to be married, don't marry poor, because she's probably

1266
01:02:44,600 --> 01:02:47,160
Speaker 7: speaking from the experience of having done this all by

1267
01:02:47,200 --> 01:02:49,920
Speaker 7: herself pretty much, and her saying that this will be

1268
01:02:49,960 --> 01:02:52,480
Speaker 7: easier for you if you marry a man who can

1269
01:02:52,520 --> 01:02:53,760
Speaker 7: at least take care of you.

1270
01:02:53,840 --> 01:02:55,439
Speaker 1: That's my understanding of her saying that.

1271
01:02:55,840 --> 01:02:58,160
Speaker 7: And so what's interesting about my mother and how that

1272
01:02:58,560 --> 01:03:00,720
Speaker 7: has impacted the way that I navigate being around men,

1273
01:03:00,880 --> 01:03:04,400
Speaker 7: is that my mother was always a woman growing up

1274
01:03:05,240 --> 01:03:08,000
Speaker 7: who would tell me all these stories of like men

1275
01:03:08,000 --> 01:03:10,680
Speaker 7: that she had flings with and dated, and she was

1276
01:03:10,720 --> 01:03:14,880
Speaker 7: always the victor in her story, like she always she always.

1277
01:03:14,520 --> 01:03:16,360
Speaker 1: Got her way with these men. And I was always

1278
01:03:16,360 --> 01:03:17,240
Speaker 1: inspired by that.

1279
01:03:17,320 --> 01:03:20,800
Speaker 7: And so even now when I'm dominating men, it's so funny.

1280
01:03:20,840 --> 01:03:22,240
Speaker 1: Right when I'm dominating men.

1281
01:03:23,000 --> 01:03:29,080
Speaker 8: I take on a satire recal version of my mother.

1282
01:03:29,640 --> 01:03:33,440
Speaker 8: I take inspiration from the punishments my mom gave me

1283
01:03:33,480 --> 01:03:35,840
Speaker 8: when I'm punishing these men, like because it's funny, because

1284
01:03:35,840 --> 01:03:37,000
Speaker 8: the thing about dominating men.

1285
01:03:37,000 --> 01:03:41,240
Speaker 4: Healing in a way almost definitely, Yeah, I would imagine

1286
01:03:41,320 --> 01:03:45,040
Speaker 4: it's like double healing, because double healing because the spirit

1287
01:03:45,080 --> 01:03:46,280
Speaker 4: of my mother still lives in me.

1288
01:03:46,680 --> 01:03:49,320
Speaker 7: But it's also healings dominate men because it's like, yeah, like,

1289
01:03:49,360 --> 01:03:51,040
Speaker 7: after all men have done to us, we deserve to

1290
01:03:51,040 --> 01:03:53,000
Speaker 7: boss them around a bit. But why it's also healing

1291
01:03:53,080 --> 01:03:57,960
Speaker 7: is because I don't entirely look at my mother through

1292
01:03:58,000 --> 01:04:01,240
Speaker 7: the lens of like hating.

1293
01:04:00,840 --> 01:04:02,479
Speaker 1: Her or being angry with her.

1294
01:04:02,800 --> 01:04:06,440
Speaker 7: I'm still not forgiving her, but it's like for me

1295
01:04:06,560 --> 01:04:11,280
Speaker 7: to free myself, I've had to accept her. But acceptance

1296
01:04:11,360 --> 01:04:16,720
Speaker 7: doesn't mean enabling. Acceptance sometimes means taking everything for what

1297
01:04:16,760 --> 01:04:20,520
Speaker 7: it is and coming to a final conclusion that this

1298
01:04:20,640 --> 01:04:22,360
Speaker 7: situation is not going to change.

1299
01:04:22,400 --> 01:04:23,640
Speaker 1: So for your own.

1300
01:04:23,480 --> 01:04:28,400
Speaker 7: Sake of having peace, accept this person from afar. So

1301
01:04:28,560 --> 01:04:34,240
Speaker 7: I accept that I've gotten so many beautiful lessons from

1302
01:04:34,760 --> 01:04:37,880
Speaker 7: my mother. I get my face from my mother. I

1303
01:04:37,920 --> 01:04:40,840
Speaker 7: get my body from my mother. I get my ability

1304
01:04:40,840 --> 01:04:44,040
Speaker 7: to dance from my mother. I get my really sharp

1305
01:04:44,160 --> 01:04:49,320
Speaker 7: and sort of edgy sense of humor from my mother.

1306
01:04:50,400 --> 01:04:52,320
Speaker 7: I also have gotten a lot of insults that I've

1307
01:04:52,400 --> 01:04:55,880
Speaker 7: taken on from her. She's somebody who is a very

1308
01:04:56,000 --> 01:04:58,760
Speaker 7: dynamic character. And I think it's that Gemini trait because

1309
01:04:58,760 --> 01:05:00,720
Speaker 7: she's on the cusp with cancer and and I and

1310
01:05:00,760 --> 01:05:02,360
Speaker 7: I think that's a very diabolical.

1311
01:05:03,640 --> 01:05:04,640
Speaker 1: I'm a Sagittarians.

1312
01:05:06,640 --> 01:05:10,080
Speaker 4: I have a question about this relationship and how it

1313
01:05:10,320 --> 01:05:12,880
Speaker 4: if and how it has impacted your relationship with women,

1314
01:05:13,080 --> 01:05:15,760
Speaker 4: because you know, like, I haven't really heard you talk

1315
01:05:15,800 --> 01:05:19,680
Speaker 4: a lot about your female friendships, and so I'm curious,

1316
01:05:20,160 --> 01:05:22,600
Speaker 4: are those Yeah, how do they show up in your life?

1317
01:05:24,160 --> 01:05:26,560
Speaker 7: So this is You've been asking so many beautiful questions today,

1318
01:05:26,600 --> 01:05:29,600
Speaker 7: another beautiful question. What I deeply value about my female

1319
01:05:29,640 --> 01:05:37,680
Speaker 7: friendships is that I've chosen friends who like they really

1320
01:05:37,800 --> 01:05:41,040
Speaker 7: resonate with my inner child. I have the kind of

1321
01:05:41,080 --> 01:05:45,960
Speaker 7: female friendships where like, we can party, but we can

1322
01:05:46,040 --> 01:05:49,160
Speaker 7: also like bitch about our moms on the phone if

1323
01:05:49,160 --> 01:05:52,800
Speaker 7: we need to. I have the kind of female friendships

1324
01:05:52,800 --> 01:05:56,400
Speaker 7: where I'm surrounded by deeply intellectual women, and that matters

1325
01:05:56,440 --> 01:05:58,200
Speaker 7: a lot to me because I consider myself quite an

1326
01:05:58,200 --> 01:05:59,120
Speaker 7: intellectual person.

1327
01:05:59,720 --> 01:06:01,880
Speaker 1: And and what I love about my female.

1328
01:06:01,640 --> 01:06:04,680
Speaker 7: Friendships is, I think because I'm the kind of person

1329
01:06:04,720 --> 01:06:07,480
Speaker 7: where I think it's due to the abuse I've endured

1330
01:06:07,560 --> 01:06:10,720
Speaker 7: for twenty something years from my mom, and also because

1331
01:06:10,800 --> 01:06:13,919
Speaker 7: I don't live with anybody. I'm so used to being

1332
01:06:13,960 --> 01:06:16,800
Speaker 7: by myself, and my friends really like accept me for that.

1333
01:06:17,040 --> 01:06:22,840
Speaker 7: They don't sort of, they don't express upset at me

1334
01:06:22,880 --> 01:06:24,840
Speaker 7: for not calling them or for not being in the

1335
01:06:24,840 --> 01:06:27,200
Speaker 7: group chat when the group chat is popping off. You know,

1336
01:06:27,240 --> 01:06:29,760
Speaker 7: sometimes I just go really quiet and they know that

1337
01:06:29,800 --> 01:06:32,720
Speaker 7: I'm just in my in my world, in my space,

1338
01:06:32,760 --> 01:06:36,000
Speaker 7: and I think that acceptance is very beautiful. Funny enough, though,

1339
01:06:36,440 --> 01:06:38,520
Speaker 7: I do take on a very protective big sister role

1340
01:06:38,560 --> 01:06:40,680
Speaker 7: with my friends, even though some of them are older

1341
01:06:40,680 --> 01:06:43,200
Speaker 7: than me. When men come into the picture, I'm like,

1342
01:06:43,240 --> 01:06:44,760
Speaker 7: who's this guy? Tell me about him?

1343
01:06:44,760 --> 01:06:53,360
Speaker 8: Like you, I know, right, rising right, what where would

1344
01:06:53,360 --> 01:06:54,200
Speaker 8: that come from?

1345
01:06:55,000 --> 01:06:56,800
Speaker 1: But like they'd be nervous to tell me.

1346
01:06:56,760 --> 01:06:58,880
Speaker 7: About this guy. They're like, I'm like, why do you

1347
01:06:58,920 --> 01:07:00,120
Speaker 7: like here? What's he done for you?

1348
01:07:00,480 --> 01:07:01,120
Speaker 1: Let me see?

1349
01:07:01,560 --> 01:07:04,560
Speaker 7: And normally these guys, some of them, they know they

1350
01:07:04,640 --> 01:07:06,920
Speaker 7: know of me, and I think because they know that

1351
01:07:07,160 --> 01:07:10,400
Speaker 7: I am the best friend of their girlfriend. I do

1352
01:07:10,440 --> 01:07:12,480
Speaker 7: think that these men, it kind of has made them

1353
01:07:12,680 --> 01:07:14,680
Speaker 7: sort of fall in line a bit because they know

1354
01:07:14,760 --> 01:07:17,240
Speaker 7: that if you upset her, she's gonna tell me. I mean,

1355
01:07:17,240 --> 01:07:20,840
Speaker 7: now I'm gonna tell hers to block you. So, really

1356
01:07:20,840 --> 01:07:23,360
Speaker 7: and truly is it in your interest to upset my friend?

1357
01:07:23,520 --> 01:07:23,720
Speaker 1: No?

1358
01:07:24,160 --> 01:07:27,120
Speaker 7: So, I really do take on a very protective, big

1359
01:07:27,160 --> 01:07:30,800
Speaker 7: sister kind of roll in my friendships. But I think

1360
01:07:30,880 --> 01:07:33,000
Speaker 7: due to the abuse that I endured from my mother.

1361
01:07:33,320 --> 01:07:37,280
Speaker 7: A therapist would probably call this avoidant attachment. I don't

1362
01:07:37,320 --> 01:07:40,080
Speaker 7: really I don't really necessarily think I'm avoidant. I just

1363
01:07:40,120 --> 01:07:42,240
Speaker 7: think that when it comes to men, I have standards

1364
01:07:42,240 --> 01:07:44,960
Speaker 7: that most men can't meet. When it comes to friendships,

1365
01:07:46,240 --> 01:07:47,960
Speaker 7: I kind of like I like to be in the

1366
01:07:47,960 --> 01:07:50,320
Speaker 7: moment and I disappear to my own little world. And

1367
01:07:50,360 --> 01:07:52,960
Speaker 7: I think it's because I have such a suffocation. When

1368
01:07:52,960 --> 01:07:57,960
Speaker 7: I say suffocating mother, like, I wasn't allowed even though

1369
01:07:58,000 --> 01:07:59,880
Speaker 7: I was maybe like I lived with my mum to last,

1370
01:08:00,800 --> 01:08:04,920
Speaker 7: I wasn't allowed to shower with the door locked because

1371
01:08:05,120 --> 01:08:08,560
Speaker 7: my mother had the belief that if I was secretly pregnant,

1372
01:08:08,560 --> 01:08:09,520
Speaker 7: she didn't want to miss it.

1373
01:08:09,640 --> 01:08:12,320
Speaker 1: So why you wanted to walk into the bath wore.

1374
01:08:13,560 --> 01:08:16,240
Speaker 7: If she wanted to walk into the bathroom while I'm showering,

1375
01:08:16,720 --> 01:08:18,880
Speaker 7: she would just do so. There were times this is

1376
01:08:18,920 --> 01:08:22,000
Speaker 7: going to trigger warning. There were times mother would say

1377
01:08:22,040 --> 01:08:24,200
Speaker 7: to me that she's going to check if I'm a virgin.

1378
01:08:25,640 --> 01:08:27,679
Speaker 7: There's only one way to check if someone is a virgin,

1379
01:08:27,720 --> 01:08:32,640
Speaker 7: and unfortunately, that is assault. I didn't have bodily autonomy

1380
01:08:33,439 --> 01:08:37,920
Speaker 7: in my mother's household because genuinely from my mother's perspective,

1381
01:08:37,960 --> 01:08:39,720
Speaker 7: I do believe, and this is something that is quite

1382
01:08:39,800 --> 01:08:43,000
Speaker 7: normal when an infant has just been born. Yes, for

1383
01:08:43,080 --> 01:08:46,640
Speaker 7: that first infancy period, the baby is technically an attachment

1384
01:08:46,880 --> 01:08:49,360
Speaker 7: to the mother, like they're both still one unit. The

1385
01:08:49,360 --> 01:08:51,679
Speaker 7: baby genuinely believes that it is a part of the mother.

1386
01:08:52,040 --> 01:08:55,040
Speaker 7: But after a while, the separation naturally happens. I don't

1387
01:08:55,040 --> 01:08:59,120
Speaker 7: think that separation happened for my mom. And it's hard

1388
01:08:59,320 --> 01:09:02,679
Speaker 7: because when I think, because.

1389
01:09:02,439 --> 01:09:04,960
Speaker 4: You were so much of her identity, that's what she

1390
01:09:05,000 --> 01:09:05,240
Speaker 4: told me.

1391
01:09:05,320 --> 01:09:07,599
Speaker 1: I was the first child, I'm a girl.

1392
01:09:08,800 --> 01:09:10,840
Speaker 4: Yeah, You're to take care of this little baby the

1393
01:09:10,880 --> 01:09:12,479
Speaker 4: rest of her life, and she's going to be my

1394
01:09:12,520 --> 01:09:14,360
Speaker 4: little baby, and she's going to be just like me

1395
01:09:14,840 --> 01:09:16,559
Speaker 4: and do what I say and do what I want

1396
01:09:16,760 --> 01:09:22,800
Speaker 4: and impress people and not disappoint me. And you know, yeah,

1397
01:09:23,920 --> 01:09:25,040
Speaker 4: so it's hard.

1398
01:09:25,800 --> 01:09:28,160
Speaker 7: It's hard because now when I think about friendships and

1399
01:09:28,200 --> 01:09:33,839
Speaker 7: men and identity, there are so many elements of myself

1400
01:09:33,840 --> 01:09:36,200
Speaker 7: that I've had to leave behind because I've realized that

1401
01:09:36,280 --> 01:09:39,160
Speaker 7: wasn't actually me, I was just responding to a traumatic environment.

1402
01:09:39,479 --> 01:09:41,920
Speaker 7: Like this is something that for anybody who's listening, who

1403
01:09:42,000 --> 01:09:45,559
Speaker 7: is on the precipice of cutting off an abusive person,

1404
01:09:45,600 --> 01:09:49,800
Speaker 7: whether it's a parent or a partner. One stage that's

1405
01:09:49,800 --> 01:09:52,439
Speaker 7: going to be really uncomfortable is realizing that wasn't actually

1406
01:09:52,439 --> 01:09:53,240
Speaker 7: your personality.

1407
01:09:53,320 --> 01:09:54,760
Speaker 1: You were just responding to trauma.

1408
01:09:54,840 --> 01:09:57,960
Speaker 7: When you discover your real personality, you're going to grieve

1409
01:09:58,000 --> 01:10:01,120
Speaker 7: all the time you lost not being your authentic And

1410
01:10:01,720 --> 01:10:05,479
Speaker 7: it's hard because when you're existing in a situation where

1411
01:10:05,680 --> 01:10:09,920
Speaker 7: you exist in relation to your abuser, you're not your

1412
01:10:10,000 --> 01:10:12,599
Speaker 7: real self. You're a version of yourself You've had to

1413
01:10:12,680 --> 01:10:16,400
Speaker 7: create to survive that environment. But once the threat has

1414
01:10:16,439 --> 01:10:19,920
Speaker 7: been removed, you're now left with the responsibility to actually

1415
01:10:20,479 --> 01:10:24,400
Speaker 7: really probe and observe who actually am I outside of

1416
01:10:24,680 --> 01:10:27,400
Speaker 7: responding to trauma. And that was something that I spent

1417
01:10:27,439 --> 01:10:30,880
Speaker 7: a long time realizing. And that's how I realized, Oh

1418
01:10:30,920 --> 01:10:33,920
Speaker 7: I do have ADHD. That's crazy ooops. Like I started

1419
01:10:33,960 --> 01:10:38,320
Speaker 7: to really almost unmask and allow myself to be me,

1420
01:10:38,960 --> 01:10:42,599
Speaker 7: and I realized, Okay, there's a whole version of myself

1421
01:10:42,640 --> 01:10:45,799
Speaker 7: that I didn't know existed. And now I feel anger

1422
01:10:45,960 --> 01:10:48,639
Speaker 7: for all the times when I could have been myself

1423
01:10:48,640 --> 01:10:50,679
Speaker 7: but I wasn't in an environment that would have allowed

1424
01:10:50,720 --> 01:10:53,599
Speaker 7: me to be myself. And so this cause into question, well,

1425
01:10:53,600 --> 01:10:55,960
Speaker 7: what is the purpose of a mother to an adult child?

1426
01:10:55,960 --> 01:10:58,879
Speaker 7: Because I still do think that adult children need their parents.

1427
01:10:59,240 --> 01:11:01,120
Speaker 7: We don't need our parents in the way we needed

1428
01:11:01,120 --> 01:11:03,800
Speaker 7: them when we were ten, but I do think that

1429
01:11:03,840 --> 01:11:07,080
Speaker 7: adult children need their parents in the form of a

1430
01:11:07,160 --> 01:11:07,960
Speaker 7: safe space.

1431
01:11:08,120 --> 01:11:09,200
Speaker 1: Like the world is.

1432
01:11:09,200 --> 01:11:11,559
Speaker 7: Already hard enough as it is, and I think that

1433
01:11:11,600 --> 01:11:14,200
Speaker 7: the one thing that mothers can do for their children

1434
01:11:14,360 --> 01:11:18,560
Speaker 7: is to just be that unconditional safe space. But unconditional

1435
01:11:18,560 --> 01:11:22,880
Speaker 7: safe space doesn't mean enabling harmful or bad or rude behavior.

1436
01:11:23,280 --> 01:11:25,320
Speaker 7: I think it's just allowing your child to feel like

1437
01:11:25,360 --> 01:11:27,240
Speaker 7: they can actually come to you and tell you things.

1438
01:11:27,240 --> 01:11:29,679
Speaker 7: Because there were things that I really wanted to tell

1439
01:11:29,680 --> 01:11:31,360
Speaker 7: my mom that I couldn't tell her because I knew

1440
01:11:31,400 --> 01:11:34,720
Speaker 7: she would judge me. Like when a guy sexually assaulted me,

1441
01:11:35,439 --> 01:11:37,639
Speaker 7: I didn't tell my mom. I kept it a secret,

1442
01:11:37,760 --> 01:11:39,600
Speaker 7: so she probably found out through me talking about it

1443
01:11:39,640 --> 01:11:43,160
Speaker 7: on YouTube somewhere on someone's podcast. And that's because she

1444
01:11:43,200 --> 01:11:47,040
Speaker 7: didn't create a safe environment. So technically, and this is

1445
01:11:47,040 --> 01:11:49,040
Speaker 7: going to be I find it hard to say because

1446
01:11:49,120 --> 01:11:51,439
Speaker 7: I'm not a mother, but if I was to give

1447
01:11:51,479 --> 01:11:56,240
Speaker 7: my Yelp review on my parenting, I wouldn't give five stars.

1448
01:11:56,280 --> 01:12:00,160
Speaker 7: I would say, as a mother, if you have, I've

1449
01:12:00,200 --> 01:12:04,240
Speaker 7: not created an environment where your child can feel safe

1450
01:12:04,800 --> 01:12:07,479
Speaker 7: to be around you, safe to tell you things that

1451
01:12:07,520 --> 01:12:09,200
Speaker 7: they've done that may maybe they're.

1452
01:12:09,080 --> 01:12:09,599
Speaker 1: Not proud of.

1453
01:12:09,920 --> 01:12:11,639
Speaker 7: If a child doesn't feel safe to tell you something

1454
01:12:11,680 --> 01:12:14,120
Speaker 7: that they've done that's put them in danger, you failed

1455
01:12:14,120 --> 01:12:16,640
Speaker 7: as a parent. And I feel really scared saying that

1456
01:12:16,720 --> 01:12:19,400
Speaker 7: because there are parents who are going to be like, well,

1457
01:12:19,400 --> 01:12:21,240
Speaker 7: you don't get to say a mother has failed because

1458
01:12:21,240 --> 01:12:23,080
Speaker 7: you're not a mother. But what I'm trying to say

1459
01:12:23,160 --> 01:12:26,080
Speaker 7: is from the perspective of having now grown into an

1460
01:12:26,080 --> 01:12:29,080
Speaker 7: adult child who is now articulate and old enough to

1461
01:12:29,080 --> 01:12:31,360
Speaker 7: look back on the parenting I received and give my

1462
01:12:32,120 --> 01:12:35,920
Speaker 7: humble review, I would say that where a lot of

1463
01:12:35,960 --> 01:12:39,799
Speaker 7: mothers go wrong is that they're so focused on trying

1464
01:12:39,840 --> 01:12:44,120
Speaker 7: to protect their daughters rightfully so from a very unsafe world,

1465
01:12:44,200 --> 01:12:46,720
Speaker 7: that they forget to be a safe space for their daughters.

1466
01:12:46,880 --> 01:12:50,400
Speaker 7: And I do think that mummy issues affect daughters more

1467
01:12:50,439 --> 01:12:53,400
Speaker 7: than daddy issues do because the reason I say that

1468
01:12:53,560 --> 01:12:57,920
Speaker 7: is daddy issues pertains mainly to just validation of like,

1469
01:12:58,120 --> 01:12:59,479
Speaker 7: I really want what that to tell me? He laughs

1470
01:12:59,479 --> 01:13:02,600
Speaker 7: me but with mummy issues, it's like, that's the foundational

1471
01:13:02,600 --> 01:13:05,160
Speaker 7: structure that you've come from. So if your mom tells

1472
01:13:05,160 --> 01:13:08,160
Speaker 7: you that she hates you, that's gonna cut way deeper

1473
01:13:08,560 --> 01:13:10,320
Speaker 7: in my opinion, and your dad telling you that he

1474
01:13:10,400 --> 01:13:15,080
Speaker 7: hates you, because that's who you've come from. That's the

1475
01:13:15,120 --> 01:13:18,040
Speaker 7: person who sets the tone for how you see yourself forever.

1476
01:13:18,360 --> 01:13:20,400
Speaker 7: That's the person whose voice you carrying your head. That's

1477
01:13:20,439 --> 01:13:25,040
Speaker 7: the person who, from an animalistic instinctual level, if something

1478
01:13:25,080 --> 01:13:27,599
Speaker 7: scary is happening to you, out of instinct, you'll.

1479
01:13:27,479 --> 01:13:28,840
Speaker 1: Be like, mommy, you're not gonna be.

1480
01:13:28,880 --> 01:13:31,320
Speaker 7: Like daddy like I can't imagine for bears coming to

1481
01:13:31,360 --> 01:13:31,560
Speaker 7: eat me.

1482
01:13:31,560 --> 01:13:32,840
Speaker 1: I'm gonna be like daddy like that.

1483
01:13:33,000 --> 01:13:35,599
Speaker 7: No, as much as my dad, you know, he now

1484
01:13:35,720 --> 01:13:37,360
Speaker 7: plays a role in my life where I do feel

1485
01:13:37,360 --> 01:13:39,479
Speaker 7: like he's a safe space for me. If I was

1486
01:13:39,479 --> 01:13:44,240
Speaker 7: in a genuine animalistic environment where all of my instincts

1487
01:13:44,240 --> 01:13:45,800
Speaker 7: are firing off, as much as I'm not speaking to

1488
01:13:45,840 --> 01:13:47,920
Speaker 7: my mother, I will still shout mommy out of instinct

1489
01:13:48,000 --> 01:13:53,520
Speaker 7: because on a like pinial gland level, mother is the protector.

1490
01:13:54,080 --> 01:13:56,680
Speaker 7: Mother is the person who I'm supposed to feel protected by.

1491
01:13:57,360 --> 01:14:00,880
Speaker 7: So if I don't have that protection on a foundation level,

1492
01:14:01,080 --> 01:14:06,559
Speaker 7: that can definitely absolutely disassemble my sense of identity. So

1493
01:14:06,560 --> 01:14:09,080
Speaker 7: when women are walking around with a fractured sense of identity,

1494
01:14:09,120 --> 01:14:11,559
Speaker 7: of course they seek identity in relationships, and of course

1495
01:14:11,600 --> 01:14:13,800
Speaker 7: men are the gateway because if we're not giving you

1496
01:14:13,880 --> 01:14:17,040
Speaker 7: validation and they're telling you everything that you've ever wanted

1497
01:14:17,080 --> 01:14:18,599
Speaker 7: to hear, you're gonna.

1498
01:14:18,360 --> 01:14:19,360
Speaker 1: Eat that shit right up.

1499
01:14:19,600 --> 01:14:20,720
Speaker 4: But if you learn.

1500
01:14:20,560 --> 01:14:23,400
Speaker 7: How to form a strong, solid sense of identity outside

1501
01:14:23,400 --> 01:14:26,280
Speaker 7: of men, and you take what they're saying for what

1502
01:14:26,320 --> 01:14:27,840
Speaker 7: it is, Because for me, when men are talking to me,

1503
01:14:27,920 --> 01:14:29,920
Speaker 7: I'm taking it over a very strong pinch of salt

1504
01:14:29,920 --> 01:14:32,840
Speaker 7: and seasonings. I'm like, it's a man, and I know

1505
01:14:32,880 --> 01:14:34,760
Speaker 7: you want to see my tits, so I know you're

1506
01:14:34,760 --> 01:14:36,080
Speaker 7: telling me all these things because you know you want

1507
01:14:36,080 --> 01:14:37,639
Speaker 7: to see my boobs, so we'll see.

1508
01:14:37,680 --> 01:14:39,120
Speaker 1: You have to show me if this is true.

1509
01:14:39,400 --> 01:14:41,439
Speaker 7: But when men are talking to me, it's like, because

1510
01:14:41,520 --> 01:14:44,519
Speaker 7: I have I won't say I've repaired the mother wind,

1511
01:14:44,560 --> 01:14:47,000
Speaker 7: but I've made peace with that wound. Men can't get

1512
01:14:47,000 --> 01:14:50,479
Speaker 7: into my head using the tactics that anybody who knows

1513
01:14:50,560 --> 01:14:53,600
Speaker 7: a woman who's been abused by how mother would use Similarly,

1514
01:14:53,600 --> 01:14:56,160
Speaker 7: it's like it could be argued that I have that

1515
01:14:56,240 --> 01:14:57,920
Speaker 7: the issues because I come with that off for five years,

1516
01:14:57,920 --> 01:14:58,920
Speaker 7: but we're good now.

1517
01:14:59,000 --> 01:15:02,519
Speaker 1: But it's like, I just think that whether you.

1518
01:15:02,600 --> 01:15:07,160
Speaker 7: Have a healed and completely quote unquote normal relationship with

1519
01:15:07,200 --> 01:15:10,320
Speaker 7: your parents or not, men are still going to try

1520
01:15:10,360 --> 01:15:13,080
Speaker 7: and get into your head. And this is why it's

1521
01:15:13,120 --> 01:15:17,080
Speaker 7: so important to fortify yourself mentally. If you're somebody who

1522
01:15:17,080 --> 01:15:20,559
Speaker 7: has endured abuse doesn't mean that you're unlovable. It just

1523
01:15:20,600 --> 01:15:23,000
Speaker 7: means that you've unfortunately got extra work to do than

1524
01:15:23,000 --> 01:15:25,320
Speaker 7: everyone else because you have to find a way to

1525
01:15:25,360 --> 01:15:27,840
Speaker 7: overcompensate in your own way for what you lacked. But

1526
01:15:27,960 --> 01:15:30,680
Speaker 7: men are not the Men are not the vessel for that.

1527
01:15:31,200 --> 01:15:34,439
Speaker 7: Men are an accessory to the existing love you've created

1528
01:15:34,479 --> 01:15:36,040
Speaker 7: for yourself. So this is why I'm not in a

1529
01:15:36,040 --> 01:15:37,080
Speaker 7: place where I'm looking for love.

1530
01:15:37,200 --> 01:15:39,080
Speaker 1: I have love. I am loved.

1531
01:15:39,479 --> 01:15:43,000
Speaker 7: I'm loved by my dad, I'm loved by my relatives,

1532
01:15:43,000 --> 01:15:45,640
Speaker 7: I'm loved by my friends, I'm loved by myself. And

1533
01:15:45,720 --> 01:15:48,320
Speaker 7: I think the idea of a man's love being this

1534
01:15:48,479 --> 01:15:51,559
Speaker 7: cherry on top is us placing men's love on a pedestal,

1535
01:15:51,800 --> 01:15:53,519
Speaker 7: because most men don't even love themselves.

1536
01:15:53,600 --> 01:15:55,080
Speaker 1: And I've seen men don't even love their children.

1537
01:15:55,120 --> 01:15:57,479
Speaker 7: They be walking out on their own children, let alone

1538
01:15:57,520 --> 01:15:59,960
Speaker 7: expecting a man to love me into fall.

1539
01:16:00,880 --> 01:16:05,120
Speaker 4: Right, that's that's what that's a Ladies, if you're listening

1540
01:16:05,640 --> 01:16:07,719
Speaker 4: that nigga, if he's not in his child's way.

1541
01:16:08,320 --> 01:16:11,360
Speaker 6: He's not going to be a good friend.

1542
01:16:11,439 --> 01:16:13,720
Speaker 4: Like what are don't excuses?

1543
01:16:13,920 --> 01:16:16,080
Speaker 6: You can't even have a homegirl that's not a good mom,

1544
01:16:16,200 --> 01:16:18,439
Speaker 6: or a homeboy that's not a good dad, because he's

1545
01:16:18,479 --> 01:16:22,439
Speaker 6: gonna not be a good friend. No parent, if you're

1546
01:16:22,520 --> 01:16:25,400
Speaker 6: not a good parent, you cannot be a good friend.

1547
01:16:25,400 --> 01:16:28,000
Speaker 6: It just scientifically does not exist. I always say that

1548
01:16:28,000 --> 01:16:30,439
Speaker 6: if you're an ancient mom or dad and I'm like,

1549
01:16:30,520 --> 01:16:32,400
Speaker 6: where's your kid? Like, oh, we're so and so, and

1550
01:16:32,439 --> 01:16:34,559
Speaker 6: I've never seen him with your kid, I'm gonna cut

1551
01:16:34,560 --> 01:16:34,800
Speaker 6: you off.

1552
01:16:35,479 --> 01:16:41,759
Speaker 4: Yes period. Wait, ladies, I know we're running low on time,

1553
01:16:42,600 --> 01:16:44,880
Speaker 4: and before we before we run out of time, a

1554
01:16:44,880 --> 01:16:49,640
Speaker 4: few things. Number one, I want to play trigger. I

1555
01:16:49,680 --> 01:16:54,439
Speaker 4: want to play trigger. Number two, did we pull a card?

1556
01:16:54,760 --> 01:16:58,240
Speaker 4: I did pull a card? Okay? Number three, you have

1557
01:16:58,240 --> 01:17:01,280
Speaker 4: an affirmation for us because I feel like the people know. Yeah,

1558
01:17:01,280 --> 01:17:04,200
Speaker 4: I feel like that's the whole thing has been an affirmation, truly,

1559
01:17:05,920 --> 01:17:07,400
Speaker 4: but I don't know. I don't know if you can

1560
01:17:07,439 --> 01:17:09,639
Speaker 4: you share an affirmation maybe with our audience.

1561
01:17:10,680 --> 01:17:13,960
Speaker 7: My affirmation that I always repeat to myself and to

1562
01:17:14,040 --> 01:17:16,720
Speaker 7: anybody I me is know your worth and act on it.

1563
01:17:17,120 --> 01:17:19,519
Speaker 7: Because know your worth is something we're always told. But

1564
01:17:20,280 --> 01:17:22,080
Speaker 7: the follow up should be to act on it. Because

1565
01:17:22,080 --> 01:17:24,080
Speaker 7: you can know your worth in your head, but you're

1566
01:17:24,080 --> 01:17:26,880
Speaker 7: still in environments don't reflect that worth. So acting on

1567
01:17:26,960 --> 01:17:30,040
Speaker 7: it means you taking radical action, and sometimes that action

1568
01:17:30,160 --> 01:17:33,000
Speaker 7: will not be very popular, it might not be comfortable.

1569
01:17:33,320 --> 01:17:35,719
Speaker 7: But if you're operating from a place of knowing your worth,

1570
01:17:35,840 --> 01:17:38,599
Speaker 7: then you're leading with the best possible intention for yourself.

1571
01:17:38,680 --> 01:17:41,960
Speaker 7: So my offering is know your worth and act on it.

1572
01:17:42,320 --> 01:17:46,639
Speaker 4: Know you're your worth, and act on it. Amen, Amen

1573
01:17:46,720 --> 01:17:46,960
Speaker 4: to that?

1574
01:17:47,880 --> 01:17:52,160
Speaker 1: Lights blunt right?

1575
01:17:50,240 --> 01:17:56,840
Speaker 4: Okay, side. We have a game on our show called

1576
01:17:56,880 --> 01:17:59,680
Speaker 4: Trigger and basically, I say a word, you say the

1577
01:17:59,680 --> 01:18:02,160
Speaker 4: first thing that comes to mind when I say it,

1578
01:18:02,240 --> 01:18:10,840
Speaker 4: don't overthink it, just whatever comes to mind. Bad habits, weed,

1579
01:18:11,800 --> 01:18:15,360
Speaker 4: What what do you mean that that's not a habit?

1580
01:18:15,400 --> 01:18:17,920
Speaker 1: Okay? To briefly, okay, So to briefly explain.

1581
01:18:17,720 --> 01:18:19,599
Speaker 4: As I'm smoking a big fat joint.

1582
01:18:19,720 --> 01:18:22,080
Speaker 1: To briefly explain, I'm sorry. Sorry to my parents.

1583
01:18:22,120 --> 01:18:24,000
Speaker 7: If you're hearing this, they probably already know, but sorry,

1584
01:18:24,040 --> 01:18:26,639
Speaker 7: if you're hearing me say this, I'm.

1585
01:18:26,439 --> 01:18:27,240
Speaker 1: A weed smoker.

1586
01:18:27,560 --> 01:18:29,879
Speaker 7: Why I say it's a bad habit is because sometimes

1587
01:18:29,920 --> 01:18:31,679
Speaker 7: I get into a place where it's starting to become

1588
01:18:31,680 --> 01:18:32,120
Speaker 7: an addiction.

1589
01:18:32,200 --> 01:18:33,479
Speaker 1: So I forced myself to stop.

1590
01:18:33,520 --> 01:18:35,720
Speaker 7: Like, I don't pick up anymore for like months, And

1591
01:18:35,760 --> 01:18:37,920
Speaker 7: I'm like, see.

1592
01:18:37,360 --> 01:18:41,720
Speaker 4: I'm not an ad I'm not a crack you hear fantastic,

1593
01:18:44,800 --> 01:18:50,599
Speaker 4: I'm an addict. Then like verified, I'm in a heavy

1594
01:18:50,600 --> 01:18:53,800
Speaker 4: season of smoking right now. Actually I've been really going

1595
01:18:53,840 --> 01:18:55,320
Speaker 4: for it. Can you hear my voice?

1596
01:18:55,320 --> 01:18:57,400
Speaker 1: Okay? Season our temporary. I even feel like.

1597
01:18:57,360 --> 01:19:00,000
Speaker 4: I have like smoker voice. I'm like, yeah, I'm smoking,

1598
01:19:00,160 --> 01:19:07,360
Speaker 4: BIGGI a dulting Okay, Sorry, I got sidetracked because you

1599
01:19:07,400 --> 01:19:17,280
Speaker 4: were talking about my my beautiful flower, marriage, beneficial motherhood,

1600
01:19:20,840 --> 01:19:28,200
Speaker 4: sacrificial religion, oppressive, anal.

1601
01:19:29,600 --> 01:19:35,560
Speaker 1: Uncharted territory, pegging unfamiliar.

1602
01:19:37,439 --> 01:19:39,320
Speaker 4: Have you ever been asked to peg as a darm yet?

1603
01:19:40,080 --> 01:19:40,840
Speaker 1: People ask me that?

1604
01:19:40,880 --> 01:19:42,360
Speaker 7: And the thing is, I'm not in a place in

1605
01:19:42,360 --> 01:19:44,720
Speaker 7: my life where I'm curious about any bumholes, including my own.

1606
01:19:44,760 --> 01:19:46,640
Speaker 7: I've never been anally stimulated.

1607
01:19:46,720 --> 01:19:50,400
Speaker 8: I don't have a finger. I've had a finger in there,

1608
01:19:50,400 --> 01:19:51,960
Speaker 8: and it feels like I'm meant to like push it out.

1609
01:19:52,040 --> 01:19:57,800
Speaker 1: I feel weird. I'm like, should I bear down? But

1610
01:19:57,840 --> 01:20:00,479
Speaker 1: I get it like it feels like I should poo tongue,

1611
01:20:00,520 --> 01:20:03,559
Speaker 1: maybe a tongue. I don't like it.

1612
01:20:06,400 --> 01:20:06,960
Speaker 4: Eating puss.

1613
01:20:09,720 --> 01:20:10,080
Speaker 1: Hmmm.

1614
01:20:11,080 --> 01:20:19,080
Speaker 4: Curious dating status, single love language.

1615
01:20:20,760 --> 01:20:29,639
Speaker 7: Money, you came in, you came in, oh musty oh?

1616
01:20:30,160 --> 01:20:33,320
Speaker 4: Okay, ships and because that's sting called ships and gags,

1617
01:20:33,479 --> 01:20:35,200
Speaker 4: sugar and girl.

1618
01:20:35,320 --> 01:20:36,560
Speaker 1: We don't have enough time for that.

1619
01:20:37,200 --> 01:20:40,320
Speaker 4: You don't have it's not gags and.

1620
01:20:40,640 --> 01:20:42,400
Speaker 1: It might as well be. It's just it might as

1621
01:20:42,400 --> 01:20:43,719
Speaker 1: well be. It's just in giggles.

1622
01:20:43,840 --> 01:20:48,920
Speaker 4: Yea, his name is giggles. Ships and go is that

1623
01:20:49,240 --> 01:20:50,719
Speaker 4: I don't know. I think it's shipps and gigs.

1624
01:20:51,320 --> 01:20:52,639
Speaker 1: It is ships and gigs.

1625
01:20:52,800 --> 01:20:57,040
Speaker 4: Okay, no, no word?

1626
01:20:58,240 --> 01:21:03,160
Speaker 1: Oh well, well disappointing. I'll say that she and gigs.

1627
01:21:04,160 --> 01:21:12,120
Speaker 4: White men, option have you been with a white man?

1628
01:21:12,160 --> 01:21:12,639
Speaker 4: Have you had sex?

1629
01:21:12,680 --> 01:21:14,800
Speaker 7: I thought, have you had white take white men's money,

1630
01:21:14,840 --> 01:21:16,400
Speaker 7: but I've not had sex. I've not had sex with

1631
01:21:16,680 --> 01:21:17,920
Speaker 7: white man in over ten years.

1632
01:21:18,080 --> 01:21:24,000
Speaker 4: So you've had white penis inside of you, white penis.

1633
01:21:23,760 --> 01:21:26,559
Speaker 1: Inside me, but the pussy does not hold the score.

1634
01:21:26,600 --> 01:21:29,760
Speaker 1: Unfortunately she doesn't remember.

1635
01:21:32,640 --> 01:21:33,120
Speaker 4: Black men.

1636
01:21:34,600 --> 01:21:41,240
Speaker 1: Oh delightful, God, that sounds so delight wonderful.

1637
01:21:41,600 --> 01:21:43,800
Speaker 4: You know what, I've decided, and I'm going to read

1638
01:21:43,800 --> 01:21:46,760
Speaker 4: the rest of these words. Here's your five minutes. Here

1639
01:21:46,800 --> 01:21:51,000
Speaker 4: you go, here I goes favorite sex position.

1640
01:21:52,160 --> 01:21:57,439
Speaker 1: Oh hmmm, what's it called when you're like to the side,

1641
01:21:59,320 --> 01:22:00,400
Speaker 1: like the lazer the fuck?

1642
01:22:01,120 --> 01:22:03,280
Speaker 4: Like, is he behind you?

1643
01:22:03,439 --> 01:22:06,120
Speaker 1: What's that? No, he's next he's he's next to me.

1644
01:22:07,840 --> 01:22:10,320
Speaker 4: Wait, he's in front of you. He's like like you're

1645
01:22:10,400 --> 01:22:13,320
Speaker 4: like putting you and he's in front of you, or

1646
01:22:13,360 --> 01:22:15,160
Speaker 4: you're like you're actually to the side.

1647
01:22:15,680 --> 01:22:17,040
Speaker 1: We're both to the side of each other.

1648
01:22:17,760 --> 01:22:21,280
Speaker 4: That's like a lazy like the cuddle the lazy fuck.

1649
01:22:21,720 --> 01:22:25,599
Speaker 4: I just made that lazy snuggle fuck snuggle snuggle fuck,

1650
01:22:26,040 --> 01:22:29,519
Speaker 4: snuggle fuck me vibe snuggle fuck. Can we do that

1651
01:22:29,640 --> 01:22:35,679
Speaker 4: snuggle fuck thing? It sounds like a character street character

1652
01:22:36,360 --> 01:22:37,040
Speaker 4: snuggle fuck.

1653
01:22:38,920 --> 01:22:40,320
Speaker 1: Mister snuggle.

1654
01:22:41,800 --> 01:22:43,800
Speaker 4: Is here to help. I'm here to save the day.

1655
01:22:46,240 --> 01:22:49,559
Speaker 4: That's a character in our children's show Adult children Show.

1656
01:22:51,160 --> 01:22:53,200
Speaker 4: Last bad choice. My English, I don't know how to

1657
01:22:53,240 --> 01:22:58,360
Speaker 4: say this last bad choice? You're a practice one word.

1658
01:23:00,080 --> 01:23:00,479
Speaker 1: Believing.

1659
01:23:01,360 --> 01:23:02,080
Speaker 4: I'm believing.

1660
01:23:03,000 --> 01:23:06,719
Speaker 1: Yeah, believing a man is a lot believe, Like, joke's

1661
01:23:06,760 --> 01:23:06,960
Speaker 1: on me.

1662
01:23:09,840 --> 01:23:11,679
Speaker 4: The last good choice?

1663
01:23:12,840 --> 01:23:15,200
Speaker 1: Oh, coming on this podcast.

1664
01:23:15,800 --> 01:23:22,599
Speaker 7: That's right, baby, Happily ever after, Oh, Happily ever after,

1665
01:23:24,240 --> 01:23:38,880
Speaker 7: mansion monogamy, Oh, open end, cannabis, medicinal.

1666
01:23:40,439 --> 01:23:47,360
Speaker 4: Boxes or briefs, Oh Boxers, celebrity crush.

1667
01:23:50,200 --> 01:23:50,960
Speaker 1: Frank Ocean.

1668
01:23:53,040 --> 01:24:00,400
Speaker 4: I know, right, Frank Ocean in Brooklyn. We were just

1669
01:24:00,520 --> 01:24:02,760
Speaker 4: so enamored. He just walked by. We were having the

1670
01:24:02,840 --> 01:24:05,840
Speaker 4: best day. We were having the best day and he

1671
01:24:05,960 --> 01:24:08,000
Speaker 4: just like walked by, and I think we continue to

1672
01:24:08,080 --> 01:24:10,960
Speaker 4: have like a really good day. He's just crazier after that.

1673
01:24:11,200 --> 01:24:17,519
Speaker 1: I love Frank Kosher. I love that man. Masturbation absolutely yes.

1674
01:24:19,360 --> 01:24:21,360
Speaker 4: What do you like to use to masturbate? Do you use?

1675
01:24:21,439 --> 01:24:27,000
Speaker 4: You think? Am I fucking Australian? Why do you have

1676
01:24:27,120 --> 01:24:27,800
Speaker 4: a masturbate?

1677
01:24:29,560 --> 01:24:31,400
Speaker 7: I have a technique that I feel like I need

1678
01:24:31,479 --> 01:24:33,519
Speaker 7: to just tell all the girls who are like, oh,

1679
01:24:34,200 --> 01:24:36,000
Speaker 7: I don't really like I don't know how to masturbate.

1680
01:24:36,040 --> 01:24:37,840
Speaker 1: I didn't have to, girl, Let me tell you what

1681
01:24:37,880 --> 01:24:40,160
Speaker 1: we need to do it right? Tell the girl put

1682
01:24:40,560 --> 01:24:43,040
Speaker 1: put the lube on your titties. Wait, you're gonna need

1683
01:24:43,080 --> 01:24:44,840
Speaker 1: a mirror. You're going to need lube.

1684
01:24:47,360 --> 01:24:50,120
Speaker 4: On my titt like you have two loobs, because yes,

1685
01:24:51,320 --> 01:24:52,800
Speaker 4: we need lube. We need a mirror.

1686
01:24:52,960 --> 01:24:56,439
Speaker 1: You know you can get you know that, right, what work?

1687
01:24:56,640 --> 01:24:58,080
Speaker 1: You know you can get two to orgasms.

1688
01:24:58,720 --> 01:25:00,920
Speaker 4: I've had one, but one of my one of my

1689
01:25:01,200 --> 01:25:03,720
Speaker 4: nipples is numb because I had my boobs done and

1690
01:25:03,800 --> 01:25:05,920
Speaker 4: they cut my nipple and it's the whole thing. I

1691
01:25:05,920 --> 01:25:06,760
Speaker 4: thought it was coming back.

1692
01:25:06,920 --> 01:25:12,360
Speaker 7: So so the nipple are still alive. I'm going to

1693
01:25:12,400 --> 01:25:14,240
Speaker 7: explain this in our last five minutes. Right, if you

1694
01:25:14,320 --> 01:25:19,000
Speaker 7: have nipples that are still awake, blube on the titties. Okay,

1695
01:25:19,200 --> 01:25:23,880
Speaker 7: you need to two sex toys, both vibrators. I would

1696
01:25:23,920 --> 01:25:26,120
Speaker 7: say the rose toy is good for the pussy. You're

1697
01:25:26,160 --> 01:25:28,519
Speaker 7: going to need a vibrator for the nip for the boobs.

1698
01:25:28,560 --> 01:25:30,840
Speaker 7: That is like it looks like a penis, but doesn't

1699
01:25:30,840 --> 01:25:33,080
Speaker 7: have to be a penis, just like a like a

1700
01:25:33,160 --> 01:25:33,920
Speaker 7: longish balax.

1701
01:25:34,160 --> 01:25:36,480
Speaker 1: Yeah, yeah, a thalilin vibrator.

1702
01:25:37,479 --> 01:25:39,960
Speaker 7: Yes, So what you want to do is choose a

1703
01:25:40,040 --> 01:25:43,920
Speaker 7: setting for the phallic vibrator and you use that on

1704
01:25:44,160 --> 01:25:46,120
Speaker 7: the titties that you alternate need to doing it in

1705
01:25:46,160 --> 01:25:47,639
Speaker 7: the mirror, so you can be like, I'm gonna say hot,

1706
01:25:47,960 --> 01:25:51,439
Speaker 7: and then you use You can start with using fingers

1707
01:25:51,439 --> 01:25:54,320
Speaker 7: because you're getting the titty orgasm, so you're kind of like, WHOA,

1708
01:25:54,479 --> 01:25:57,400
Speaker 7: this feels nice, and then you introduce the rose to

1709
01:25:57,479 --> 01:26:01,120
Speaker 7: the chat when you start to get wet, and you

1710
01:26:01,280 --> 01:26:04,360
Speaker 7: will most likely project how square if you're someone who's like, oh,

1711
01:26:04,400 --> 01:26:07,320
Speaker 7: I don't squat, I promise you you will.

1712
01:26:08,280 --> 01:26:10,080
Speaker 6: Okay, Well, I'm going to be reaching out to you

1713
01:26:10,160 --> 01:26:11,479
Speaker 6: in about two weeks as soon.

1714
01:26:11,400 --> 01:26:13,600
Speaker 4: As I get going to change your please report that.

1715
01:26:13,800 --> 01:26:16,280
Speaker 6: And I'm going to tell you because I'm writing notes

1716
01:26:16,400 --> 01:26:18,519
Speaker 6: and this is the first time ever anyone's given us

1717
01:26:18,600 --> 01:26:21,400
Speaker 6: that like deeply of a masturbation instruction, and I'm really

1718
01:26:21,439 --> 01:26:23,200
Speaker 6: looking forward to trying it something job.

1719
01:26:23,280 --> 01:26:25,720
Speaker 1: That's why I've survived since twenty twenty one about being

1720
01:26:25,840 --> 01:26:27,000
Speaker 1: a man. And I can't do that.

1721
01:26:28,240 --> 01:26:30,839
Speaker 4: I mean no, you know what. I had a strong

1722
01:26:31,720 --> 01:26:35,160
Speaker 4: era of some bomb ass masturbation where I live. Literally

1723
01:26:35,479 --> 01:26:38,120
Speaker 4: was like I don't really need the dick. I had

1724
01:26:38,200 --> 01:26:41,640
Speaker 4: this dick strapped to the wall, I had the vibrator,

1725
01:26:42,400 --> 01:26:44,879
Speaker 4: but actually that is you know, thank you for the reminder.

1726
01:26:45,080 --> 01:26:47,479
Speaker 4: I haven't been masturbating in a mirror in a while,

1727
01:26:47,720 --> 01:26:49,360
Speaker 4: and I think it's time to run that back.

1728
01:26:49,439 --> 01:26:50,559
Speaker 1: The mirror is the main part.

1729
01:26:50,760 --> 01:26:53,719
Speaker 7: Yeah, you need the visual. Do you gay for yourself?

1730
01:26:54,120 --> 01:26:55,720
Speaker 7: Like you have to genuinely look at itself and be like,

1731
01:26:55,720 --> 01:26:55,960
Speaker 7: oh my.

1732
01:26:55,960 --> 01:26:56,880
Speaker 1: God, this is so hot.

1733
01:26:57,160 --> 01:26:57,960
Speaker 4: You get a mirror.

1734
01:26:58,080 --> 01:26:58,919
Speaker 1: And for best.

1735
01:26:58,720 --> 01:27:02,479
Speaker 7: Effects, if you have like satin robe, Like satin is

1736
01:27:02,560 --> 01:27:06,439
Speaker 7: really nice for like erogenous areas because something about the

1737
01:27:06,560 --> 01:27:09,000
Speaker 7: slip of the fabric. So if you're wearing a satin robe,

1738
01:27:09,080 --> 01:27:11,720
Speaker 7: use the vibrator on your titty through the robe, if

1739
01:27:11,760 --> 01:27:13,400
Speaker 7: that makes sense, because.

1740
01:27:13,439 --> 01:27:14,720
Speaker 1: That gets you even more.

1741
01:27:15,240 --> 01:27:18,000
Speaker 7: Yeah, because then when you remove the robe, you feel

1742
01:27:18,360 --> 01:27:21,640
Speaker 7: if the sensitivity heightens even more. And if you can

1743
01:27:21,840 --> 01:27:24,519
Speaker 7: for best effects as well, if your robe is long enough,

1744
01:27:24,640 --> 01:27:26,280
Speaker 7: like put a bit of the fabric of the robe

1745
01:27:26,320 --> 01:27:29,719
Speaker 7: on your pussy and then put the vibrator on the robe,

1746
01:27:30,040 --> 01:27:32,519
Speaker 7: and when you remove the robe, it's even more like

1747
01:27:32,600 --> 01:27:35,240
Speaker 7: heightened sensations. I figured all it's out because it's been

1748
01:27:35,360 --> 01:27:37,320
Speaker 7: what four years in counting of not being a man.

1749
01:27:40,000 --> 01:27:42,439
Speaker 7: I'm sorry, Like he's gonna have to just like have

1750
01:27:42,560 --> 01:27:44,720
Speaker 7: his hand tired, and you can watch like you can't

1751
01:27:44,760 --> 01:27:46,200
Speaker 7: even you can't even be of any use in the

1752
01:27:46,280 --> 01:27:47,439
Speaker 7: situation and sit down.

1753
01:27:49,320 --> 01:27:59,760
Speaker 4: No, no, put it here. Oh my god, Evan, this

1754
01:27:59,880 --> 01:28:03,280
Speaker 4: is I get a way to come to see you.

1755
01:28:03,400 --> 01:28:04,800
Speaker 4: I can't wait to come across the pond.

1756
01:28:04,840 --> 01:28:06,280
Speaker 1: You have to come on this podcast. You have to

1757
01:28:06,320 --> 01:28:07,120
Speaker 1: be in this room with me.

1758
01:28:07,840 --> 01:28:09,960
Speaker 4: We love it, We would love it right way.

1759
01:28:11,120 --> 01:28:14,280
Speaker 7: I would love to thank you for fostering a beautiful

1760
01:28:14,320 --> 01:28:19,800
Speaker 7: conversation where I can discuss the pain and the complexity

1761
01:28:20,080 --> 01:28:22,000
Speaker 7: of being a strange for my mother, and I can

1762
01:28:22,040 --> 01:28:26,439
Speaker 7: also talk about rapping my titties in one episode, things that.

1763
01:28:26,479 --> 01:28:30,200
Speaker 4: We all needed to know was all nothing that one point.

1764
01:28:30,560 --> 01:28:32,559
Speaker 1: I appreciate it, not one stone hasn't been time.

1765
01:28:32,880 --> 01:28:37,519
Speaker 6: I appreciate your vulnerability. And you're arranged because women have ranged.

1766
01:28:37,560 --> 01:28:38,840
Speaker 6: There's a lot of parts of us and we need

1767
01:28:38,880 --> 01:28:39,599
Speaker 6: to talk about it all.

1768
01:28:41,160 --> 01:28:44,040
Speaker 7: Thank you and to any mothers who are listening. And

1769
01:28:44,120 --> 01:28:46,840
Speaker 7: if you've heard my story, you still have time to

1770
01:28:46,960 --> 01:28:50,080
Speaker 7: turn it around. You still have time, and deep down

1771
01:28:50,120 --> 01:28:52,240
Speaker 7: you are a good mother. But if you're making bad choices,

1772
01:28:53,240 --> 01:28:55,240
Speaker 7: your child is going to have whatever outcome. And if

1773
01:28:55,280 --> 01:28:56,680
Speaker 7: that means a child doesn't speak to you, again, you

1774
01:28:56,720 --> 01:28:58,439
Speaker 7: will have to live with that choice, so you still

1775
01:28:58,479 --> 01:29:03,479
Speaker 7: have time, mother wherever you are. Not my mother, she

1776
01:29:03,520 --> 01:29:06,000
Speaker 7: ain't changing. But to the moments who are listening to

1777
01:29:06,080 --> 01:29:08,000
Speaker 7: this first, If your mother whoven listen to this podcast,

1778
01:29:08,080 --> 01:29:10,479
Speaker 7: then you're already on the right track. I wish my

1779
01:29:10,560 --> 01:29:14,160
Speaker 7: mother would listen to this podcast because it would encourage

1780
01:29:14,200 --> 01:29:17,559
Speaker 7: her to see herself beyond just being a mother, because

1781
01:29:17,760 --> 01:29:20,360
Speaker 7: being a mother is a whole world in itself, but

1782
01:29:20,479 --> 01:29:24,120
Speaker 7: women deserve to have identities outside of that. So thank

1783
01:29:24,160 --> 01:29:26,320
Speaker 7: you for creating this podcast, and thank you for having me.

1784
01:29:26,680 --> 01:29:29,400
Speaker 4: Yes, thank you, I'm really I'm deeply grateful that you

1785
01:29:29,479 --> 01:29:32,880
Speaker 4: feel safe here. And yes to the mother's listening. Just

1786
01:29:33,479 --> 01:29:37,680
Speaker 4: I think it's a beautiful reflection and that's what this

1787
01:29:37,800 --> 01:29:40,920
Speaker 4: is all about. And if you resist the reflection, you're

1788
01:29:40,920 --> 01:29:44,000
Speaker 4: gonna end up being a psychopath. It's just it's just science.

1789
01:29:44,280 --> 01:29:48,000
Speaker 4: So don't be a psychopath. Girl, be a good mon girl,

1790
01:29:48,080 --> 01:29:54,240
Speaker 4: baby girl. Raby posty was sad period? What was the

1791
01:29:54,400 --> 01:29:55,920
Speaker 4: what was the tror of the day, My.

1792
01:29:56,040 --> 01:30:04,720
Speaker 10: Dear, Oh, the terror of the day was the high

1793
01:30:04,760 --> 01:30:09,400
Speaker 10: refond reverse and it means it is positive form.

1794
01:30:09,400 --> 01:30:11,360
Speaker 6: The hy rEFInd reverse reminds you that you are your

1795
01:30:11,400 --> 01:30:14,040
Speaker 6: own teacher. All the wisdom you see it comes from within,

1796
01:30:14,200 --> 01:30:17,439
Speaker 6: not from so much external source or power. You're being

1797
01:30:17,479 --> 01:30:19,680
Speaker 6: guided to follow your own path and adopt your own

1798
01:30:19,720 --> 01:30:23,320
Speaker 6: spiritual beliefs rather than blindly following others. It may feel

1799
01:30:23,400 --> 01:30:25,320
Speaker 6: unsettling at first as you make your own way, but

1800
01:30:25,439 --> 01:30:27,360
Speaker 6: over time you will learn to trust yourself and tap

1801
01:30:27,400 --> 01:30:30,280
Speaker 6: into your inner knowledge. Others may question your motives to

1802
01:30:30,320 --> 01:30:33,519
Speaker 6: go against tradition, but you know deep within that now

1803
01:30:33,800 --> 01:30:37,160
Speaker 6: is the time, so you don't need external approval to

1804
01:30:37,240 --> 01:30:42,080
Speaker 6: succeed as you have exemplified so beautifully and honestly. So

1805
01:30:42,160 --> 01:30:44,519
Speaker 6: grateful to connect with you and have you here and

1806
01:30:44,640 --> 01:30:46,360
Speaker 6: hear your story, and I appreciate you.

1807
01:30:46,520 --> 01:30:49,639
Speaker 1: Thank you, yes, thank you so much for listening.

1808
01:30:50,000 --> 01:30:51,760
Speaker 4: Can you let our people know where they can find you.

1809
01:30:53,000 --> 01:30:55,840
Speaker 7: You can find me online on social media at the

1810
01:30:56,120 --> 01:30:59,200
Speaker 7: Slam of Flower. I mainly use Instagram, and if you

1811
01:30:59,200 --> 01:31:01,880
Speaker 7: would love to listen to my podcast and hear more

1812
01:31:01,960 --> 01:31:04,000
Speaker 7: about how I tackle a world full of men without

1813
01:31:04,080 --> 01:31:07,400
Speaker 7: losing my mind, I am on the slum Flower Hour

1814
01:31:07,560 --> 01:31:11,160
Speaker 7: podcast on all streaming platforms including YouTube if you don't

1815
01:31:11,200 --> 01:31:13,880
Speaker 7: have any of the streaming platforms. Thank you for having me.

1816
01:31:14,000 --> 01:31:16,759
Speaker 7: I really really loved this. This was very healing and affirming.

1817
01:31:16,920 --> 01:31:18,360
Speaker 7: Thank you so much, thank you.

1818
01:31:18,520 --> 01:31:21,439
Speaker 4: Thank you, thank you, and we will see you guys

1819
01:31:21,520 --> 01:31:23,200
Speaker 4: next week. You know where to find us. Just click

1820
01:31:23,240 --> 01:31:26,160
Speaker 4: all the things in the caption and do all that stuff.

1821
01:31:26,760 --> 01:31:28,200
Speaker 4: We love you, Bye bye.

1822
01:31:30,400 --> 01:31:33,519
Speaker 1: Yeah, I'm living so good. Can't you tell? I went

1823
01:31:33,640 --> 01:31:34,240
Speaker 1: through a drought.

1824
01:31:34,320 --> 01:31:36,280
Speaker 5: That's until I found a weal mad might have been

1825
01:31:36,360 --> 01:31:38,680
Speaker 5: known Earth that used to be broken tail now got

1826
01:31:38,760 --> 01:31:39,200
Speaker 5: the blues.

1827
01:31:39,200 --> 01:31:40,240
Speaker 1: Hands might be Yon.

1828
01:31:40,160 --> 01:31:42,920
Speaker 5: Say Jasell throat shot or pop in this cower and

1829
01:31:42,960 --> 01:31:45,439
Speaker 5: her voice. This patriarchy kept it in the box. So

1830
01:31:45,560 --> 01:31:47,880
Speaker 5: what's foils? Women put the pee and powers?

1831
01:31:48,000 --> 01:31:49,840
Speaker 1: So what's pointing this? Stay want me to be good?

1832
01:31:49,960 --> 01:31:52,479
Speaker 5: So I mean their choice is bad mom, not a

1833
01:31:52,560 --> 01:31:54,040
Speaker 5: bad mom, but a bad man.

1834
01:31:54,200 --> 01:31:54,640
Speaker 4: Itter's in.

1835
01:31:55,120 --> 01:31:58,320
Speaker 5: Put cannabus in her bad bar, being bosses capping that

1836
01:31:58,400 --> 01:31:59,920
Speaker 5: blue is cat bar type dog.

1837
01:32:00,120 --> 01:32:03,000
Speaker 1: Now I'm immune to the cat calls. Being no waisted

1838
01:32:03,040 --> 01:32:05,439
Speaker 1: straight to it like a dollar sign. Mother, rent the lover,

1839
01:32:05,560 --> 01:32:05,960
Speaker 1: when to what?

1840
01:32:06,120 --> 01:32:08,080
Speaker 5: It's like a water sim where you're rent the winter

1841
01:32:08,280 --> 01:32:09,760
Speaker 5: essential will when the summertime?

1842
01:32:09,960 --> 01:32:11,720
Speaker 1: I do what all ain't no one that needs to

1843
01:32:11,800 --> 01:32:12,280
Speaker 1: run it by