WEBVTT - Goodbye to Mom 0:00:25.040 --> 0:00:27.920 All right, I'm gonna go in right here, right now. 0:00:28.080 --> 0:00:32.800 This is Eyes up Here, and you're listening and watching 0:00:33.240 --> 0:00:35.880 parts of this Eyes up Here on our YouTube channel 0:00:35.920 --> 0:00:39.080 and listening to us on the Creative Control podcast network 0:00:39.560 --> 0:00:41.640 that you didn't know by now. My name is Chad 0:00:41.640 --> 0:00:45.120 and every single week I've joined here in the Eyes 0:00:45.240 --> 0:00:50.680 up Here recording Studio by Queen of Extreme Rancy. I 0:00:50.720 --> 0:00:54.160 think this reporting studio is located in the bottom level. 0:00:53.960 --> 0:00:57.440 Of the Queen Fast so. 0:00:56.360 --> 0:01:01.240 That's where our double secret location is currently. Uh. We've 0:01:01.240 --> 0:01:03.960 got a lot to talk about today. It's been a 0:01:04.000 --> 0:01:07.319 couple of weeks ago on a little hiatus of our 0:01:07.360 --> 0:01:08.240 recording schedule. 0:01:08.319 --> 0:01:11.680 But uh, I'm prepared to turn the floor over to 0:01:12.319 --> 0:01:16.960 you because you have had a absolutely, very very sad 0:01:17.959 --> 0:01:18.800 couple of weeks ago. 0:01:19.720 --> 0:01:20.560 I feel for you. 0:01:21.120 --> 0:01:23.200 My thoughts have been with you. We've talked a lot 0:01:23.840 --> 0:01:26.360 get text. But how are you doing now that I 0:01:26.360 --> 0:01:27.319 get to see you in person? 0:01:29.520 --> 0:01:34.920 Thank you. I'm tired. It's the first hard word that 0:01:35.000 --> 0:01:42.800 comes through my mind is being tired. Uh, just emotionally, physically, 0:01:42.959 --> 0:01:47.440 like mentally, I'm exhausted. For those of you who don't 0:01:47.520 --> 0:01:56.240 know what I'm talking about, my mom My mom passed 0:01:56.280 --> 0:02:10.280 away last Friday, August eighteenth, so you know, two weeks 0:02:10.320 --> 0:02:14.679 prior to that, she had been going downhill. And those 0:02:14.680 --> 0:02:17.600 who listened to this show or or follow me on 0:02:17.639 --> 0:02:21.680 social media, you guys know my journey, my family's journey 0:02:21.720 --> 0:02:25.840 with my mom. You know, when my dad and my 0:02:25.919 --> 0:02:29.760 sister had passed away, they died four days apart from 0:02:29.760 --> 0:02:31.720 each other. When my dad was on his deathbed, he 0:02:31.760 --> 0:02:33.880 had asked me to take care of my mother and 0:02:33.919 --> 0:02:38.640 I said I would, and I just got married. You know, 0:02:39.080 --> 0:02:41.960 my husband and I never had that honeymoon period where 0:02:42.040 --> 0:02:46.000 you can just be alone and enjoy each other and 0:02:46.000 --> 0:02:48.480 stuff like that. We took my mom in because she 0:02:48.639 --> 0:02:51.760 was alone, and you know, she was the type of 0:02:51.800 --> 0:02:56.000 person that didn't drive, she didn't pay the bills like 0:02:56.080 --> 0:03:00.520 my dad did everything. So you know, I felt like 0:03:00.600 --> 0:03:03.080 she was kind of lost and I didn't want her 0:03:03.080 --> 0:03:05.079 to be by herself, so we took her in, and 0:03:05.120 --> 0:03:08.200 God blessed my husband for doing it, because who wants 0:03:08.240 --> 0:03:10.480 to live with their mother in law right after they 0:03:10.480 --> 0:03:14.880 get married. You know, he's a special breed and that's 0:03:14.919 --> 0:03:16.520 part of the reason why I love him so much. 0:03:16.600 --> 0:03:20.560 But you know, that was fourteen years ago, and I 0:03:20.560 --> 0:03:25.440 would say the last year is when she really started 0:03:25.840 --> 0:03:31.320 to decline. And we noticed that she wasn't walking anymore, 0:03:33.520 --> 0:03:36.880 she was losing her eyesight, she couldn't hear very well. 0:03:37.920 --> 0:03:41.839 I had her on a baby monitor so I can 0:03:41.920 --> 0:03:47.000 see her. Because you know, she could have walked to 0:03:47.040 --> 0:03:49.760 the bathroom anymore. I had to comeote in her room, 0:03:49.880 --> 0:03:51.360 so I would have to run up there and help 0:03:51.400 --> 0:03:58.520 her go to the bathroom. We had bought her a 0:03:58.560 --> 0:04:01.080 recliner and automatic recline you with the butt and that 0:04:01.160 --> 0:04:04.240 helps you get up and down because she was having 0:04:04.320 --> 0:04:07.240 trouble like getting up off of the chair to go 0:04:07.280 --> 0:04:10.640 to the bathroom, stuff like that. So the last year 0:04:10.760 --> 0:04:14.440 was really really bad. And then I started noticing her 0:04:14.480 --> 0:04:19.400 appetite was declining, and I would get so frustrated. Any 0:04:19.400 --> 0:04:21.760 caregivers out there you know what I'm talking about. I 0:04:21.760 --> 0:04:26.080 would get so frustrated. She would ask me for these 0:04:26.200 --> 0:04:30.320 foods and I would go to the supermarket and I 0:04:30.360 --> 0:04:34.200 would buy the stuff that she wanted and I would 0:04:34.240 --> 0:04:36.400 cook it, and then she would eat like one or 0:04:36.400 --> 0:04:39.240 two bites and she would say it won't go down. 0:04:39.400 --> 0:04:43.880 I can't eat. I just I'm not hungry, and at 0:04:43.920 --> 0:04:47.040 the time, I get so frustrated with her because I'm 0:04:47.080 --> 0:04:50.080 making all you know, I'm making food for her, I'm 0:04:50.080 --> 0:04:54.000 making food for my kids, for myself. My husband takes 0:04:54.000 --> 0:04:57.000 care of him because you know, he's a carnivore and 0:04:57.080 --> 0:04:57.920 he just needs me. 0:04:59.360 --> 0:05:01.919 Just buy something in the backyard to jump on and 0:05:01.960 --> 0:05:03.080 then you know, just. 0:05:03.839 --> 0:05:06.360 Forty two steaks in my freezer, just gonna get a 0:05:06.400 --> 0:05:10.039 steak and he's good to go. But you know, it 0:05:10.160 --> 0:05:13.440 was frustrating, but I wanted in my mind, I'm like, well, 0:05:13.440 --> 0:05:15.520 maybe if I make her this, she'll eat more. And 0:05:15.560 --> 0:05:18.400 she never did. And it just the year it just 0:05:19.200 --> 0:05:22.679 started declining. So I had a talk with her lung 0:05:22.800 --> 0:05:28.560 doctor and he had mentioned failing to thrive, and that's 0:05:28.760 --> 0:05:35.680 what happens when they stopped walking, their appetite decreases. I know, 0:05:35.839 --> 0:05:40.159 she was dehydrated, she barely drank anything, and she was 0:05:40.200 --> 0:05:43.320 just getting weaker and weaker. I could tell, like when 0:05:43.320 --> 0:05:46.120 I would touch her arm, all you would feel was bone. 0:05:46.800 --> 0:05:50.520 She had no muscle mass left, and it was depressing. 0:05:50.560 --> 0:05:53.840 It was really hard to watch her decline like this. 0:05:54.160 --> 0:06:00.720 And for the longest time, it was it was just us. 0:06:00.720 --> 0:06:02.760 For the fourteen years. It was me, my husband, and 0:06:02.800 --> 0:06:05.560 my kids. We didn't have any outside help, you know, 0:06:05.920 --> 0:06:11.000 and it was just us. No one helped us. So 0:06:12.240 --> 0:06:14.919 we didn't really go anywhere. We went to Disney because 0:06:14.960 --> 0:06:17.599 we were able to take her to my sister's house 0:06:17.760 --> 0:06:20.280 for those two weeks, but that was it. 0:06:20.360 --> 0:06:21.240 That was you know. 0:06:21.279 --> 0:06:24.159 We couldn't even the last year, we couldn't even really 0:06:24.160 --> 0:06:26.280 go to dinner and sit down because we couldn't leave 0:06:26.320 --> 0:06:29.960 her alone. So we were kind of like prisoners in 0:06:30.040 --> 0:06:33.920 our own home, so to speak. I was just afraid 0:06:33.960 --> 0:06:36.120 something would happen to her if we would leave her alone, 0:06:36.160 --> 0:06:43.800 and so we didn't. She kept declining and then at 0:06:43.839 --> 0:06:47.760 one point she was barely eating. And so when they 0:06:47.800 --> 0:06:54.520 said failing to thrive, they had mentioned hospice, and he said, 0:06:54.839 --> 0:06:59.400 with hospice, you know, it doesn't mean in six months 0:06:59.480 --> 0:07:03.279 she will actually you know, passed away for sure. Every 0:07:03.400 --> 0:07:09.200 six months the doctor, can you know, renew this prescription 0:07:09.320 --> 0:07:13.440 for hospice. It's just to get some help in she 0:07:13.600 --> 0:07:17.440 had bed sore that I was taking care of that. 0:07:17.600 --> 0:07:19.720 He was just like, you shouldn't be doing all this. 0:07:19.960 --> 0:07:25.560 You need help. At this point, so two weeks before 0:07:25.600 --> 0:07:30.680 she passed, I called hospice and I found this place 0:07:31.880 --> 0:07:38.600 and I got the best nurse. She a doll. She 0:07:38.800 --> 0:07:43.480 had such a bedside matter with my mother and treated 0:07:43.960 --> 0:07:47.760 my mom great, treated my family great. And this is 0:07:47.800 --> 0:07:50.120 such a cute story where my mom was still coherent 0:07:50.200 --> 0:07:53.000 and could talk. She said to me, she said to me, 0:07:53.720 --> 0:07:57.520 do you think that you'll be friends with the nurse? 0:07:57.640 --> 0:08:01.120 Her name is black. You think you guys would be 0:08:01.200 --> 0:08:05.120 friends after I pass? And I said, oh, I don't know. Mom, 0:08:05.520 --> 0:08:09.440 I said, maybe, you know, we'll see what happens. And 0:08:09.480 --> 0:08:12.320 so for the two weeks she came and she cared 0:08:12.360 --> 0:08:18.440 for her, and I would say the two days before 0:08:18.520 --> 0:08:22.040 she died, the whole family came over. She got to 0:08:22.040 --> 0:08:26.720 see all her grandkids, which she was still sitting up 0:08:26.840 --> 0:08:33.600 and talking. The day after that, you couldn't understand her anymore. 0:08:33.760 --> 0:08:38.079 Her voice was very faint. It took effort for her 0:08:38.120 --> 0:08:42.920 to talk. And something told me that she was going 0:08:43.000 --> 0:08:51.120 to pass by the next day. And uh, I you know, 0:08:51.200 --> 0:08:53.360 I had the monitor on. I ran in there as 0:08:53.440 --> 0:08:55.920 much every time I heard her. I would run in 0:08:55.960 --> 0:09:00.160 the room because they tell you like, there's morphine to 0:09:00.240 --> 0:09:04.120 keep them comfortable. Thank god, my mom wasn't in pain 0:09:04.520 --> 0:09:09.480 the whole time. There was no pain that we could tell. 0:09:09.559 --> 0:09:12.319 The only thing that she would do was cough, and 0:09:12.400 --> 0:09:15.079 when she would cough, they told me to give her. 0:09:15.120 --> 0:09:17.520 It was a very low dose of morphine, and I 0:09:17.640 --> 0:09:19.800 hated giving it to her, but it did help her. 0:09:19.840 --> 0:09:24.080 It opens up the lungs, made her breathe easier. You know, 0:09:24.120 --> 0:09:27.280 she was on oxygen, so she was having trouble breathing anyway. 0:09:28.360 --> 0:09:31.640 So I think the whole two weeks, I think I 0:09:31.800 --> 0:09:33.920 might have gave it to her four or five times 0:09:33.920 --> 0:09:36.839 at the most, and a very low dose, but there 0:09:36.960 --> 0:09:41.840 was no pain. The morning that she did pass I 0:09:41.920 --> 0:09:44.320 woke up at five and I looked at the monitor 0:09:44.400 --> 0:09:50.520 and I knew. I noticed her hands off the side 0:09:50.559 --> 0:09:55.240 of the bed, and I knew she was going. I 0:09:55.240 --> 0:09:57.440 didn't have it in need to go into the room 0:09:57.480 --> 0:10:00.559 at that point because everybody was asleep and I didn't 0:10:00.600 --> 0:10:03.560 want to start, you know, crying, so I forced myself 0:10:03.600 --> 0:10:06.440 to stay in bed, but I just watched the monitor. 0:10:07.520 --> 0:10:11.480 I was hoping she would move, and she didn't. You know, 0:10:11.720 --> 0:10:15.200 she had passed. She died in her sleep, which I 0:10:15.360 --> 0:10:17.600 prayed so hard for it because I didn't want her 0:10:17.600 --> 0:10:22.040 to suffer, obviously, But when the nurse came going back 0:10:22.080 --> 0:10:26.480 to the cute story, she said, you were my favorite 0:10:26.520 --> 0:10:28.840 family and the short time that I've known you guys, 0:10:29.400 --> 0:10:33.079 you were just my favorites. And she said, maybe after 0:10:33.200 --> 0:10:35.880 this is all over, you and I can do lunch 0:10:36.000 --> 0:10:38.480 or dinner. And I looked at her and I said, 0:10:38.520 --> 0:10:42.040 oh my god. My mom asked me if you and 0:10:42.080 --> 0:10:46.480 I were going to be friends, and now you're asking 0:10:46.559 --> 0:10:48.800 me if you want to, you know, to keep in touch. 0:10:48.840 --> 0:10:52.320 So in a way, like my mom brought me a 0:10:52.360 --> 0:10:55.000 new friend out of this whole thing, and we've been 0:10:55.320 --> 0:10:57.679 in touch. You know, it's been a week now that 0:10:57.720 --> 0:11:01.840 she's passed, but we've been texting and she's such a 0:11:01.920 --> 0:11:07.640 wonderful person and I just, I, you know, it's weird, 0:11:07.720 --> 0:11:10.440 but I like my mom made me make a friend 0:11:10.800 --> 0:11:14.800 because I just it just brought a smile to my face, 0:11:14.840 --> 0:11:16.960 the way she said that, Oh she's so nice. Maybe 0:11:17.000 --> 0:11:19.960 you guys will be friends, because you know what, even 0:11:19.960 --> 0:11:23.480 though we've lived here forever, this area, there's all old people. 0:11:23.600 --> 0:11:26.560 I don't really have a lot of friends near me, 0:11:27.760 --> 0:11:31.800 so having somebody close would be so nice. And I 0:11:31.840 --> 0:11:35.120 feel like, you know, in a way. My mom brought 0:11:35.720 --> 0:11:39.160 her and I together and hopefully it'll it'll be a 0:11:40.000 --> 0:11:44.679 good friendship out of it. But I'm just right now 0:11:45.760 --> 0:11:48.720 I'm dealing with guilt, and the guilt is I'm looking 0:11:48.880 --> 0:11:53.160 back number one. All because we didn't know she was 0:11:53.160 --> 0:11:56.120 going to pass so soon. Right, You put them in 0:11:56.200 --> 0:12:00.560 hospice and they they have a thing where like every 0:12:00.640 --> 0:12:04.520 like after the first ninety days, the caregivers get a 0:12:04.559 --> 0:12:08.360 break and they take them for five nights and they 0:12:08.400 --> 0:12:11.800 look after them in the facility for no charge. Medicare 0:12:11.880 --> 0:12:15.880 covers it, and the caregivers get to do something. So 0:12:16.080 --> 0:12:19.360 we were like, oh, ninety days, so we can you know, 0:12:19.440 --> 0:12:23.240 we can go in November and we can take the 0:12:23.320 --> 0:12:26.040 kids maybe somewhere. I don't know, because we haven't been 0:12:26.080 --> 0:12:28.760 anywhere in a really long time. We were looking ahead 0:12:28.800 --> 0:12:30.719 of time. We had no idea it was going to 0:12:30.760 --> 0:12:33.840 be this soon. We and she wasn't that bad. It 0:12:33.880 --> 0:12:37.080 was like a light switched boom and she just went 0:12:37.160 --> 0:12:41.880 downhill really quickly. So when we called hospice, it wasn't 0:12:41.920 --> 0:12:44.720 like she was like going to die. Like we didn't 0:12:44.720 --> 0:12:47.000 think she was going to die that soon. We thought 0:12:47.080 --> 0:12:50.160 she had some life in her. She was still on 0:12:50.240 --> 0:12:53.880 the chair, she was still watching her TV. You know. 0:12:54.440 --> 0:12:57.440 It was just like when hospice came, they were like, 0:12:57.480 --> 0:13:01.800 get her a hospital bed. So we broke down the furniture. 0:13:01.840 --> 0:13:06.240 We had a hospital bed installed, and it was quick. 0:13:07.280 --> 0:13:10.400 I had no idea in two weeks time she would 0:13:10.440 --> 0:13:13.599 be gone. And she went from talking to the nurses 0:13:14.520 --> 0:13:20.880 to having life in her to just nothing. And it 0:13:20.960 --> 0:13:24.880 was so the guilt that I feel because everything she 0:13:24.920 --> 0:13:26.640 would always say to me, I'm not going to be 0:13:26.679 --> 0:13:28.680 here forever, I'm like, oh, you're probably going to be 0:13:28.720 --> 0:13:31.280 here another five years. Stop it, you know what I mean. 0:13:32.200 --> 0:13:35.720 You feel frustration, like I said, when they don't eat, 0:13:36.200 --> 0:13:40.199 like I felt like, you know, I feel bad because 0:13:40.200 --> 0:13:43.960 I can't take my kids anywhere, and my kids. My 0:13:44.080 --> 0:13:49.320 kids are so good and patient, and they understood, for 0:13:49.440 --> 0:13:52.360 being so young, they still understood like we'll have our 0:13:52.440 --> 0:13:54.880 time eventually, like this is now. We have to take 0:13:54.920 --> 0:13:56.720 care of my mom, you know what I mean. And 0:13:56.760 --> 0:14:00.600 they were so good about everything. And I'm just going 0:14:00.640 --> 0:14:05.120 through guilt because I miss her terribly now. But when 0:14:05.120 --> 0:14:08.120 she was alive, I'm sitting here thinking, man, I wish 0:14:08.160 --> 0:14:10.120 we could do this, and I wish we could do that, 0:14:10.960 --> 0:14:14.760 and now she's not here anymore, I think guilt. It's 0:14:14.960 --> 0:14:20.320 just like it's overwhelming, and everybody tells me I shouldn't 0:14:20.320 --> 0:14:22.800 feel that way, because you know, I did take care 0:14:22.840 --> 0:14:24.760 of her and I didn't put her in a home, 0:14:24.920 --> 0:14:29.040 and I did everything I could for and I'm proud 0:14:29.080 --> 0:14:33.360 of that. I'm proud that we did that. But I 0:14:33.400 --> 0:14:37.720 still think about all the thoughts that I had in 0:14:37.800 --> 0:14:40.080 my head, like I never wanted her to pass, Don't 0:14:40.080 --> 0:14:42.400 get me wrong, but I used to think, like, man, 0:14:42.440 --> 0:14:44.680 I wish we could just pick up and go somewhere, 0:14:46.320 --> 0:14:49.280 which everybody's telling me, you're human, you're normal. You think 0:14:49.280 --> 0:14:52.840 you're the only one that ever thought that. Probably not, 0:14:52.960 --> 0:14:55.760 but it's I still feel guilty about it, especially now 0:14:55.800 --> 0:14:59.320 since she's gone, you know, and like I was cleaning 0:14:59.360 --> 0:15:04.640 out her room, Bob. It's just it's it's so overwhelming. 0:15:05.800 --> 0:15:09.920 I've lived with her almost fifty years of my life, 0:15:10.160 --> 0:15:15.280 besides one year when I first got married. I lived 0:15:15.280 --> 0:15:17.640 in an apartment with my husband before we bought our house, 0:15:17.800 --> 0:15:21.920 and she was still with my dad. And then she 0:15:21.920 --> 0:15:24.920 she was alone, I think for not even six months 0:15:25.000 --> 0:15:28.160 or something, and then that's when we took her. So 0:15:28.320 --> 0:15:31.240 for almost fifty years of my life, I've been with her, 0:15:31.400 --> 0:15:34.240 and it's it's we had such a bond. It's just 0:15:35.320 --> 0:15:37.880 so hard to have her not be here. And I 0:15:38.000 --> 0:15:41.600 still look for the monitor. I still hear her call 0:15:41.680 --> 0:15:43.920 my name. It's I can hear her in my head, 0:15:43.960 --> 0:15:47.480 call in my name. I still want to go check 0:15:47.520 --> 0:15:49.920 on her to make sure she's okay. And there's just 0:15:50.000 --> 0:15:52.680 no one in the room. It's just so empty. The 0:15:52.880 --> 0:15:55.600 silence is deafening in my house. 0:15:56.120 --> 0:15:56.640 It's just. 0:15:58.440 --> 0:16:00.760 It's like my husband's and it's going to be the 0:16:00.800 --> 0:16:03.680 new norm and we have to get used to it. 0:16:05.440 --> 0:16:12.520 But my god, it's it's so hard to process. Just 0:16:12.720 --> 0:16:16.000 she's always been here, so it's hard to have her 0:16:16.080 --> 0:16:22.680 not here, and I just feel so guilty. She was here. 0:16:22.720 --> 0:16:26.480 During recordings, we would hear her her walker going across 0:16:25.880 --> 0:16:29.640 the floor, and you say, oh, excuse that, that's my 0:16:29.720 --> 0:16:31.120 mom going across the floor. 0:16:31.320 --> 0:16:31.960 So she was. 0:16:32.360 --> 0:16:36.280 She made many appearance on the podcast. But you know, 0:16:36.360 --> 0:16:40.440 you just you did such an amazing job of caregiving 0:16:41.200 --> 0:16:44.960 and getting to know that world a little bit professionally 0:16:45.120 --> 0:16:48.360 for a short time. You know, I saw what professional 0:16:48.400 --> 0:16:53.880 caregivers can provide versus the actual caregivers the family, and 0:16:54.440 --> 0:16:57.560 the way you dedicated so much of your life to 0:16:58.000 --> 0:17:01.880 her care is so admirable. And I'm not blowing smoke, 0:17:02.000 --> 0:17:04.320 and this is legit. I mean I because I saw, 0:17:04.440 --> 0:17:08.800 you know, my family. It's odd the trajectory of your 0:17:08.880 --> 0:17:11.600 mom and my grandma, how they were both ninety three 0:17:11.760 --> 0:17:14.639 and they were both judging along and living fine, and 0:17:14.680 --> 0:17:17.960 then woof this year, I mean they both got actually 0:17:18.000 --> 0:17:20.840 within a month of each other. My grandma died in July. 0:17:21.480 --> 0:17:24.840 So you know, it's you just have done such an 0:17:24.840 --> 0:17:28.800 amazing job as a caregiver. You know, you you can 0:17:28.840 --> 0:17:32.359 feel all these emotions because of that time that you spent. 0:17:32.480 --> 0:17:36.160 But you were such a good daughter and a good 0:17:36.280 --> 0:17:40.240 soldier and a good child, and you did everything that Honestly, 0:17:40.359 --> 0:17:44.000 I could not have done a quarter or a schmidgen 0:17:44.200 --> 0:17:46.200 of what you did for your mom over these years, 0:17:46.280 --> 0:17:48.639 especially the fourteen years as she's lived with you. 0:17:49.920 --> 0:17:54.000 Yeah, I mean the whole fourteen years wasn't bad. You know, 0:17:54.119 --> 0:17:59.000 she was downstairs most of the time. You know, she 0:17:59.080 --> 0:18:02.720 could walk the stairs. She was healthier. She helped me 0:18:02.760 --> 0:18:05.639 a lot with my kids. Like my kids, we called 0:18:05.640 --> 0:18:09.600 them a hold babies like she would. They wouldn't go 0:18:09.920 --> 0:18:12.400 for a nap, She would hold them for two hours. 0:18:12.720 --> 0:18:15.280 They would nap on her. She watched her shows, and 0:18:16.560 --> 0:18:19.560 she loved loved my kids with all our heart. I 0:18:19.600 --> 0:18:22.359 mean she she was a wonderful woman. She was a 0:18:22.400 --> 0:18:27.920 wonderful mother. It's just my guilt, That's what I'm dealing with, 0:18:27.960 --> 0:18:32.560 Like I feel bad thinking certain things. I never never 0:18:32.640 --> 0:18:35.480 wished her harm, never thought, oh my god, I wish 0:18:35.520 --> 0:18:38.880 it wasn't here. I just my thing in my head was, man, 0:18:38.920 --> 0:18:42.360 I wish I had more help so I can do 0:18:42.400 --> 0:18:46.880 stuff with my kids, because I felt like my kids suffered, 0:18:47.400 --> 0:18:50.720 you know, like everybody's going on vacation and they're going 0:18:50.760 --> 0:18:52.840 to the beach and they're going here and they're going there. 0:18:52.840 --> 0:18:55.800 And we never got to do that really because she 0:18:55.920 --> 0:19:01.160 wasn't healthy enough to be left alone. And so despite 0:19:01.200 --> 0:19:04.520 the Disney trip, which was wonderful and we loved it, 0:19:05.160 --> 0:19:07.880 for fifty weeks of the year, we were just here 0:19:08.600 --> 0:19:12.000 and couldn't really do anything for a very long time 0:19:12.080 --> 0:19:15.160 because we didn't have any help. We didn't have anybody 0:19:15.200 --> 0:19:22.200 come in, and I just would think to myself, I 0:19:22.840 --> 0:19:25.760 wish it was different. I wish, you know, I wish 0:19:25.760 --> 0:19:28.639 she was healthy so we can do these things. And 0:19:29.560 --> 0:19:31.480 it's not like she was ever going to get better. 0:19:31.920 --> 0:19:35.320 It was mainly her heart that gave because she, you know, 0:19:35.480 --> 0:19:39.320 she was a fib She had had a triple bypassed 0:19:39.359 --> 0:19:44.600 like twenty one years ago, so it was her heart. 0:19:44.640 --> 0:19:47.520 But then she had lung and kidney problems as well, 0:19:47.760 --> 0:19:52.680 so she you know, she had a trifectave of bad 0:19:52.800 --> 0:19:55.960 luck going on with her. And to live till ninety 0:19:56.000 --> 0:20:01.280 three is awesome, I mean really, you know, God bless 0:20:01.280 --> 0:20:05.640 her for doing that. But it's just as sad as 0:20:05.640 --> 0:20:09.239 I am that she's not here. My guilt is just 0:20:09.600 --> 0:20:13.720 overwhelming and that's something that I have to deal with 0:20:13.880 --> 0:20:17.560 and time will help that, I'm sure, But like I 0:20:17.600 --> 0:20:20.080 looked it up, and I'm not the only one. There's 0:20:20.119 --> 0:20:23.520 a lot of daughters and sons that are thinking the 0:20:23.560 --> 0:20:27.560 same thing in their heads because they sacrificed so much 0:20:28.040 --> 0:20:30.960 to take care of their loved ones. And I'm not 0:20:31.119 --> 0:20:33.840 sorry that I did it, and I'd probably do it 0:20:33.880 --> 0:20:37.040 again if I had to, which thank god, I do not, 0:20:38.600 --> 0:20:42.440 you know, but the guilt is what I'm dealing with now, 0:20:42.520 --> 0:20:45.280 and some days I'm okay, And then some days I 0:20:45.320 --> 0:20:48.320 get sick to my stomach because when she was on 0:20:48.359 --> 0:20:50.359 her deathbed and she could still hear me, all I 0:20:50.440 --> 0:20:52.600 kept saying to her is I was holding her hand, 0:20:52.680 --> 0:20:56.160 and I kept saying, I'm so sorry. I'm just sorry 0:20:56.520 --> 0:20:59.600 that I you know, if I said something or I 0:20:59.640 --> 0:21:03.120 did something, and she kept saying, stop, stop, I'm so 0:21:03.200 --> 0:21:05.320 grateful to you. I love you, and that's all she 0:21:05.400 --> 0:21:09.240 kept saying to me. And I just didn't need to 0:21:09.240 --> 0:21:12.760 get over that because I know, I know we did 0:21:12.800 --> 0:21:17.520 all we could. I know it. It's just these these 0:21:17.560 --> 0:21:21.359 thoughts in my head. I feel bad for thinking, you know, 0:21:22.359 --> 0:21:24.440 I wish she was here. I wish I could hug 0:21:24.440 --> 0:21:28.400 her and tell her I love her again. And it's 0:21:28.520 --> 0:21:32.280 just it's gonna take a while, that's all, you know. 0:21:34.200 --> 0:21:37.439 But God, she was a good woman. She was the 0:21:37.480 --> 0:21:42.440 best mom, and I'm gonna miss her so but thank 0:21:42.480 --> 0:21:49.600 you to everyone who reached out, you know, and sent 0:21:49.720 --> 0:21:53.960 prayers and well wishes, and she she's just a huge 0:21:54.000 --> 0:21:56.560 part of her lives. And I know she's with my 0:21:56.640 --> 0:22:01.000 dad and my sister now, so she's I'm not suffering, 0:22:01.040 --> 0:22:04.359 although I don't really think she was suffering. You know, 0:22:04.440 --> 0:22:10.359 she wasn't in any pain, which was a blessing. So 0:22:10.359 --> 0:22:15.680 so I deal with that. And she died on Friday. 0:22:16.400 --> 0:22:21.160 And what day was it? Was? It Monday? My husband 0:22:22.840 --> 0:22:25.520 is like, uh, I have a pain. I didn't sleep. 0:22:26.240 --> 0:22:29.520 I didn't sleep well. It was either Monday or Tuesday. 0:22:29.520 --> 0:22:32.320 I can't remember what day it was this week. Uh. 0:22:32.600 --> 0:22:34.760 And he had to for work. He had to go 0:22:35.440 --> 0:22:40.160 drive somewhere, pretty decent drive, you know, and he said, 0:22:40.200 --> 0:22:43.000 I'm having a pain in my side. But he works 0:22:43.040 --> 0:22:47.320 out like religiously, and he thought maybe he pulled a 0:22:47.440 --> 0:22:50.480 muscle something with his abs. He wasn't sure what was 0:22:50.480 --> 0:22:53.119 going on. So he makes the drive and he's driving 0:22:53.160 --> 0:22:55.560 home and he calls me and he says, it's a 0:22:55.600 --> 0:22:57.159 really bad pain. He said, I'm going to go to 0:22:57.200 --> 0:23:00.520 med Express. So I'm like okay. And as soon as 0:23:00.520 --> 0:23:02.600 he goes into met Express, the doctor sees him. He goes, 0:23:02.600 --> 0:23:06.400 you have to go to the er, and he's like okay. 0:23:06.520 --> 0:23:09.919 So he calls me and he says, I'm going to 0:23:09.960 --> 0:23:13.000 the er and he's updated me and blah blah blah. Well, 0:23:13.040 --> 0:23:18.080 here it's his appendix. And when they did the surgery, 0:23:18.400 --> 0:23:21.240 they go in and it's leaking all over the place. 0:23:21.359 --> 0:23:25.760 So thank god he went when he did, because he 0:23:25.760 --> 0:23:29.359 could have died. If you know, that stuff is toxic, 0:23:29.480 --> 0:23:33.840 it's like poison, and he would have went septic and 0:23:33.880 --> 0:23:38.240 it could have killed him. And God was watching it. 0:23:38.320 --> 0:23:41.199 I think my mom made him go to the to 0:23:41.320 --> 0:23:44.359 the the met Express and the er. I swear she 0:23:44.400 --> 0:23:46.359 gave him a little nudge and said, get that taken 0:23:46.400 --> 0:23:50.600 care of because honestly, after the week I've had, I 0:23:51.119 --> 0:23:54.280 really can't deal with much more right now. So he's 0:23:54.320 --> 0:23:58.520 been in the hospital all week and I went over 0:23:58.600 --> 0:24:01.280 I got over there twice this week to visit him 0:24:01.280 --> 0:24:05.560 and stuff. Hopefully he'll be home this weekend. But he's 0:24:05.600 --> 0:24:10.159 on an antibiotic and they're they're dreaming all of the 0:24:10.200 --> 0:24:13.920 bad stuff out of him. And he's on an IV 0:24:14.160 --> 0:24:18.760 drip because he was dehydrated. And I mean, this is 0:24:18.800 --> 0:24:22.600 a guy who takes care of himself, works out almost 0:24:22.680 --> 0:24:26.240 every day, eats right, you know, we take our supplements, 0:24:26.320 --> 0:24:31.440 all this stuff, and man, you gotta listen to your body. Please. 0:24:31.920 --> 0:24:35.199 If some even if you think, oh it couldn't be, 0:24:35.720 --> 0:24:39.280 get it checked out and make sure you're okay, because 0:24:39.400 --> 0:24:42.480 God forbid, I don't know what I would have did. Honestly, 0:24:42.800 --> 0:24:47.200 my nerves were so bad this week. I'm like, if 0:24:47.200 --> 0:24:49.680 I didn't have my kids, I would be day drinking 0:24:49.880 --> 0:24:54.480 every single day, every single day, I'd be day drinking 0:24:54.560 --> 0:24:59.479 because it's been Oh it's been a lot, you know. 0:24:59.760 --> 0:25:02.359 But I have good friends who have been, you know, 0:25:03.640 --> 0:25:07.080 talking me through it, and you're one of them, so 0:25:07.200 --> 0:25:14.280 thank you. I just uh, I'm just tired. Just I'm tired. 0:25:14.359 --> 0:25:17.159 And I have to learn how to live, you know, 0:25:17.200 --> 0:25:20.280 with a family of four instead of a family of five, 0:25:20.840 --> 0:25:25.280 and we'll get used to it. And we wanted to 0:25:25.320 --> 0:25:27.280 take the kids. We were going to you know, just 0:25:27.280 --> 0:25:28.680 to get out of the house. We were going to 0:25:28.760 --> 0:25:31.560