WEBVTT - Chip Ingram - Oct 20 - 9:30 am 0:00:11.740 --> 0:00:14.310 Today on Living on the Edge with Chip Ingram. 0:00:14.730 --> 0:00:18.630 Most marriages don't break apart. They drift apart. 0:00:19.329 --> 0:00:23.390 Relationships need connection to stay healthy and alive. Today we're 0:00:23.410 --> 0:00:26.770 going to learn how to create connection and experience real 0:00:26.829 --> 0:00:29.060 joy that keeps your marriage alive. 0:00:29.420 --> 0:00:33.699 Stay with me. Welcome to Living on the Edge with 0:00:33.860 --> 0:00:37.020 Chip Ingram. I'm Dave Drewy. And today we're continuing our 0:00:37.100 --> 0:00:42.060 series Choosing Love with Powerful Practical Communication Tools. Last time, 0:00:42.120 --> 0:00:45.260 Chip taught us from John chapter 15, where Jesus uses 0:00:45.340 --> 0:00:48.500 the metaphor of the vine and branches to explain how 0:00:48.520 --> 0:00:52.420 to stay connected, first to him, then to one another. Today, 0:00:52.460 --> 0:00:56.360 Chip applies those biblical principles of connection directly to marriage, 0:00:56.740 --> 0:01:00.480 starting with principle number one. You cannot impart what you 0:01:00.500 --> 0:01:03.640 do not possess. If you've been going through the motions 0:01:03.700 --> 0:01:09.380 but missing real connection, these practical exercises can transform your relationship. Well, 0:01:09.400 --> 0:01:10.899 here's Chip with today's message. 0:01:11.840 --> 0:01:14.619 Principle number one is you can't impart what you do 0:01:14.660 --> 0:01:20.870 not possess. We must abide in him to have his 0:01:20.950 --> 0:01:23.069 love to give to our mate. 0:01:24.390 --> 0:01:24.590 Right? 0:01:26.050 --> 0:01:28.610 I mean, I don't get up and read a couple 0:01:28.650 --> 0:01:31.250 chapters or three chapters or a small book or a 0:01:31.270 --> 0:01:34.130 little paragraph of the Bible in the morning and go, wow, man, 0:01:34.610 --> 0:01:36.160 two chapters a day keeps the devil away. 0:01:36.230 --> 0:01:37.119 Glad I got that done. 0:01:39.260 --> 0:01:43.830 And so my point is, As you stay connected, as 0:01:43.870 --> 0:01:47.250 you're in his word, as you talk to him from 0:01:47.290 --> 0:01:50.150 the heart, as you have some guy friends if you're 0:01:50.170 --> 0:01:52.670 a guy and some girlfriends if you're a gal, and 0:01:52.690 --> 0:01:54.660 if you have some couples if you're a couple, that 0:01:55.200 --> 0:01:57.880 you build into one another's life so that Jesus living 0:01:57.920 --> 0:01:58.920 in them, right? 0:01:58.980 --> 0:02:00.580 Faith is as much caught as taught. 0:02:01.480 --> 0:02:07.660 And as you abide, then you have this capacity because 0:02:07.680 --> 0:02:11.290 you're receiving his love to give it away. Second is 0:02:11.389 --> 0:02:13.870 connection is built on communication. 0:02:15.810 --> 0:02:16.030 Right? 0:02:17.350 --> 0:02:19.570 My words abide in you and you abide in my word. 0:02:20.930 --> 0:02:24.470 Connection is built on faithfulness and obedience. He that keeps 0:02:24.530 --> 0:02:25.530 my commandments, he. 0:02:25.490 --> 0:02:26.010 That loves me. 0:02:27.230 --> 0:02:29.010 If you abide in my love, just as I abide 0:02:29.030 --> 0:02:31.889 in my Father's love. And then I think he used 0:02:31.930 --> 0:02:41.270 this picture for a reason. Communication takes time. You've got 0:02:41.290 --> 0:02:43.350 to be faithful and you've got to respond. You have 0:02:43.389 --> 0:02:46.190 to talk. You have to listen. And it's not just 0:02:46.770 --> 0:02:50.670 with the Father. Now, this is with our mates. You 0:02:50.710 --> 0:02:56.880 can't microwave a relationship. There's just no substitute for time. 0:02:58.440 --> 0:03:03.079 And it's not time where you're multitasking. It's not time 0:03:03.180 --> 0:03:06.500 when ESPN is on or someone's watching the news or 0:03:06.540 --> 0:03:09.060 it's not time when both people are semi on their phone. 0:03:09.600 --> 0:03:10.380 It's time. 0:03:10.900 --> 0:03:14.220 where all of you is focused on all of him 0:03:14.240 --> 0:03:17.780 or all of her, and the goal is to connect. 0:03:19.820 --> 0:03:23.370 And if you don't connect, if you don't abide, then 0:03:23.389 --> 0:03:23.750 what do you do? 0:03:23.790 --> 0:03:24.270 You drift. 0:03:25.430 --> 0:03:30.470 And part of the deep sense in your soul where 0:03:30.510 --> 0:03:33.929 you feel a together, it's. 0:03:33.230 --> 0:03:35.900 A sense of we are going through life. It's a 0:03:35.960 --> 0:03:37.020 sense of strength. 0:03:37.440 --> 0:03:41.340 It's a sense of, Can't you have great joy in 0:03:41.380 --> 0:03:44.490 the midst of even challenges when you really feel like 0:03:44.530 --> 0:03:45.290 you're in it together? 0:03:46.450 --> 0:03:47.430 Haven't you been through that? 0:03:47.450 --> 0:03:53.090 And circumstances can be great and yet you're not connected 0:03:53.490 --> 0:03:59.280 and still life isn't working. Connecting is about renewing your 0:03:59.340 --> 0:04:02.620 heart and we live in a world filled with drift 0:04:03.300 --> 0:04:08.280 and distractions. What's the plan to stay connected? Well, the key, 0:04:08.340 --> 0:04:12.220 I think, is communication. Third principle is joy is the 0:04:12.300 --> 0:04:15.540 fruit or the overflow of connection with Christ and with 0:04:15.640 --> 0:04:16.060 one another. 0:04:17.260 --> 0:04:18.760 And I will tell you, it'll sustain you. 0:04:20.080 --> 0:04:22.750 I've been through lots of ups and downs in our 0:04:22.790 --> 0:04:27.830 life and ministry ups and downs and betrayals and difficulties. 0:04:27.950 --> 0:04:30.770 And Teresa and I, eight or nine years ago, went 0:04:30.810 --> 0:04:35.110 through cancer together that she went through. And I can 0:04:35.150 --> 0:04:39.870 tell you, when you're connected, to God and you're connected 0:04:39.930 --> 0:04:43.969 to one another. You can go after a radiation treatment 0:04:44.089 --> 0:04:46.590 and pull up to a Starbucks and get a cup 0:04:46.610 --> 0:04:47.650 of coffee. 0:04:47.250 --> 0:04:50.400 And then get one little of those oatmeal. 0:04:50.100 --> 0:04:52.720 Cookies and let them heat it up and break it 0:04:52.760 --> 0:04:55.400 in half and you can sit in the car together 0:04:55.420 --> 0:04:58.100 and you can share it and she can be absolutely 0:04:58.140 --> 0:05:00.730 exhausted and you cannot know is this going to work 0:05:00.870 --> 0:05:04.150 or not and you can think I'm the luckiest blessed 0:05:04.250 --> 0:05:06.210 man in the life And I don't know how many 0:05:06.250 --> 0:05:08.760 more days or months or years I'm going to have 0:05:08.839 --> 0:05:11.310 with her, but I love her so much. And it 0:05:11.400 --> 0:05:14.630 was easy to cancel every speaking engagement for the year. 0:05:15.080 --> 0:05:17.060 It was easy to tell the person that I was 0:05:17.080 --> 0:05:19.419 supposed to write a book that, guess what? You want 0:05:19.460 --> 0:05:21.360 the money back from the advance? You can have the 0:05:21.420 --> 0:05:23.419 money back. I'm not going to write a book. I'm 0:05:23.440 --> 0:05:25.460 not going to go speak anywhere. I'm going to be 0:05:25.520 --> 0:05:28.390 with her. And we're going to go to every appointment together. 0:05:28.790 --> 0:05:30.570 And I would never want to go through it again, 0:05:30.870 --> 0:05:32.490 but I will tell you in the midst of that 0:05:32.610 --> 0:05:35.290 difficulty and that pain, there was a love that we 0:05:35.370 --> 0:05:40.390 experienced and a connection because you really, when you start thinking, 0:05:40.410 --> 0:05:44.280 I may not have this person very long, you what, 0:05:44.300 --> 0:05:46.430 it changes how you think. It changes how you talk. 0:05:46.870 --> 0:05:48.810 It changes how you think about. I'll tell you what, 0:05:48.830 --> 0:05:51.530 you want a little exercise? Pretend your mate has cancer 0:05:51.550 --> 0:05:53.690 and has about 60 or 90 days to live and 0:05:53.750 --> 0:05:55.570 treat them like you only have 60 or 90 more 0:05:55.610 --> 0:05:56.110 days with them. 0:05:56.330 --> 0:05:57.680 That'll shake up your relationship. 0:05:59.260 --> 0:06:03.960 I remember reading about a lady who was having a marriage. 0:06:04.000 --> 0:06:07.520 Her husband was a type A, very busy, pretty insensitive 0:06:07.580 --> 0:06:10.859 business guy. And And she had tried, you know, different ways, 0:06:10.900 --> 0:06:12.960 you know, classic ways to, you know, we need to 0:06:12.980 --> 0:06:15.140 spend more time together. And, you know, we need to 0:06:15.200 --> 0:06:16.990 do this and we need to do that. And the 0:06:17.020 --> 0:06:20.470 nagging wasn't working. And so she had read something about, 0:06:20.490 --> 0:06:22.650 you know, winning your husband without a word from 1 0:06:22.650 --> 0:06:25.130 Peter chapter 3. And so she decides they're going to 0:06:25.150 --> 0:06:28.789 go on vacation. That for a whole week, she's just 0:06:28.810 --> 0:06:33.409 going to try this absolutely counterintuitive. 0:06:33.980 --> 0:06:36.600 Of loving her husband in ways in his love language. 0:06:37.070 --> 0:06:39.469 And so she does it day one, day two, day three, 0:06:40.029 --> 0:06:42.580 you know, and he usually does certain things that she's, 0:06:42.620 --> 0:06:44.200 you know, hey, we came all the way here and 0:06:44.220 --> 0:06:45.560 you want to go do that? And she goes, oh, no, 0:06:45.580 --> 0:06:47.820 that's great. And so she goes through the whole thing. 0:06:47.860 --> 0:06:50.539 They get to day six and they're ready to go home. 0:06:50.580 --> 0:06:54.140 And he said, honey, we need to talk. And she got, oh, 0:06:54.190 --> 0:06:58.669 my gosh, I wonder what's wrong. And he said, is 0:06:58.710 --> 0:07:02.370 everything okay? And she said, well, why? 0:07:03.690 --> 0:07:04.190 He said, well. 0:07:05.980 --> 0:07:07.380 you know, I know you saw the doctor a couple 0:07:07.420 --> 0:07:10.600 weeks or so before, you know, our vacation. I mean, 0:07:11.100 --> 0:07:11.760 are you going to die? 0:07:13.260 --> 0:07:15.960 And she goes, no. He goes, well, you've been treating me. 0:07:15.920 --> 0:07:17.920 In such a way like I thought maybe you thought 0:07:17.940 --> 0:07:19.560 you were going to die and were just being super 0:07:19.600 --> 0:07:23.580 good to me. And, and, uh, she tells the story 0:07:23.620 --> 0:07:26.160 that the lights came on and what he realized was, 0:07:27.660 --> 0:07:30.500 how have I missed this in our relationship for so long? 0:07:31.810 --> 0:07:33.190 You know what it is? It's connection. 0:07:34.710 --> 0:07:41.290 Um, Ask yourself, what is keeping you disconnected from your mate? 0:07:44.370 --> 0:07:49.940 For men, it's often your work. For women, it's often 0:07:50.060 --> 0:07:54.140 your children. And for all of you, it's often your 0:07:54.220 --> 0:08:03.300 phone and your laptop and your Netflix and your filling 0:08:03.520 --> 0:08:06.520 your life with things to medicate your loneliness. 0:08:06.550 --> 0:08:09.930 It can be hobbies. 0:08:12.270 --> 0:08:13.970 Because you know, if you're going to be really connected, 0:08:14.010 --> 0:08:15.570 that means you're going to have to let someone see 0:08:15.770 --> 0:08:17.310 who you are and what's really going on. 0:08:19.270 --> 0:08:22.080 And it's taken me decades to realize. 0:08:23.280 --> 0:08:27.280 Being open and real and even sharing weaknesses appropriately opened 0:08:27.300 --> 0:08:29.740 the door for other people to realize there's hope for 0:08:29.900 --> 0:08:30.330 all of us. 0:08:31.350 --> 0:08:33.070 But that's gotta begin in your marriage. 0:08:34.490 --> 0:08:37.690 Here's the key. Focus on how do we get connected 0:08:37.710 --> 0:08:43.439 at a deeper level? Practical implications, our personal walk with 0:08:43.480 --> 0:08:45.120 God is critical to a great marriage. 0:08:45.240 --> 0:08:49.740 That was pretty easy, wasn't it? If you wanna have 0:08:49.780 --> 0:08:51.240 a great marriage, go vertical first. 0:08:53.090 --> 0:08:55.770 Whatever you need to do to walk closely with God, 0:08:55.850 --> 0:08:57.990 be in his word, have some men in your life 0:08:58.050 --> 0:09:01.130 or some women in your life, some accountability, some fellowship, 0:09:01.150 --> 0:09:06.120 some encouragement. Second is communication skill and practice is the 0:09:06.160 --> 0:09:10.080 key to a joyful marriage. You have to learn to communicate. 0:09:11.220 --> 0:09:13.370 And it's a skill and you have to practice it. 0:09:15.540 --> 0:09:18.860 And third, the connection is of the mind, the body, 0:09:19.080 --> 0:09:22.040 the emotions, and the spirit. And so in other words, 0:09:22.580 --> 0:09:26.100 you have to learn to intellectually communicate, you have to 0:09:26.140 --> 0:09:28.900 learn to have spiritual connection, you have to learn to 0:09:28.960 --> 0:09:32.220 have emotional connection, and then you have to figure out 0:09:32.300 --> 0:09:39.890 ways to have regular bodily connection. There's something very powerful 0:09:40.309 --> 0:09:43.490 that God has made when a man and a woman 0:09:43.570 --> 0:09:47.410 make love that build a bond and a communication of 0:09:47.450 --> 0:09:51.840 a nonverbal type that does something in your heart. But 0:09:51.900 --> 0:09:54.030 if the others aren't a part of it, a woman 0:09:54.290 --> 0:09:58.760 normally will feel used instead of being connected and loved 0:09:58.820 --> 0:09:59.400 and cherished. 0:10:01.600 --> 0:10:04.360 You're listening to Living on the Edge with Chip Ingram, 0:10:04.740 --> 0:10:07.179 and there's more coming up in just a moment. If 0:10:07.200 --> 0:10:09.420 you missed any part of today's message or if you'd 0:10:09.440 --> 0:10:11.520 like to share it with a friend, you can find 0:10:11.590 --> 0:10:16.309 it anytime online at livingontheedge.org. And while you're there, you'll 0:10:16.370 --> 0:10:19.930 also discover a full library of Chip's teaching series, small 0:10:19.970 --> 0:10:23.929 group resources and practical tools to help strengthen your relationships. 0:10:24.580 --> 0:10:27.360 Take advantage of all we have available at living on 0:10:27.400 --> 0:10:30.780 the edge.org. We'll now back to our message. 0:10:31.320 --> 0:10:33.560 And so let me give you a two or three 0:10:33.640 --> 0:10:37.380 tools to begin to build deeper and deeper connection. And 0:10:37.420 --> 0:10:39.600 the first one is what I'm going to call the conference. 0:10:39.640 --> 0:10:42.860 And it's just a communication skill. And, um, this is 0:10:42.920 --> 0:10:44.359 one of those that I paid a lot of money 0:10:44.400 --> 0:10:45.800 for that I'm going to give to you for free. 0:10:47.679 --> 0:10:52.069 Teresa and I, uh, I think in our early marriage counseling, 0:10:52.090 --> 0:10:54.349 we'd have at least two or three of these conferences 0:10:54.410 --> 0:10:57.390 a week. And then it got to be a pattern 0:10:57.429 --> 0:11:00.270 of how we would talk. I mean, we couldn't communicate. 0:11:01.530 --> 0:11:04.969 And we could not resolve conflict. And she was a stuffer. 0:11:05.290 --> 0:11:07.630 And if she had issues, she would stuff it. And 0:11:07.970 --> 0:11:10.720 guess what happens to people who stuff their emotions? They 0:11:10.740 --> 0:11:14.559 get depressed. And I was a verbalizer. So I just 0:11:14.660 --> 0:11:17.750 frustrated her all the time. I would walk around the 0:11:17.790 --> 0:11:20.670 bed at night saying, the sun can't go down until 0:11:20.720 --> 0:11:24.280 we resolve this conflict and quote verses to her. And 0:11:24.300 --> 0:11:27.460 she would put her head over her pillow. 0:11:27.400 --> 0:11:30.020 And just think, who is this wild man that I married? 0:11:30.240 --> 0:11:35.620 He's a nut, which was absolutely true. So here's how 0:11:35.640 --> 0:11:38.969 it works. This is how I learned it. Men, we're 0:11:38.990 --> 0:11:39.970 the leaders, so we start. 0:11:40.470 --> 0:11:43.610 So I imagine, in my case, Teresa sitting across from me, 0:11:45.440 --> 0:11:46.719 You guys will have to lean in. 0:11:46.860 --> 0:11:47.990 You make eye contact. 0:11:48.540 --> 0:11:51.430 Body languages, I'm actually listening. And I say to Teresa, 0:11:52.110 --> 0:11:55.550 what are you concerned about? And then, I actually do 0:11:55.610 --> 0:11:58.130 this literally in some cases, but we won't do it literally. 0:11:58.650 --> 0:12:01.010 I put a piece of duct tape over my mouth. 0:12:02.320 --> 0:12:03.479 I cannot respond. 0:12:03.580 --> 0:12:08.160 I can, mm-hmm, mm-hmm, mm-hmm. I can say anything else. 0:12:08.420 --> 0:12:12.059 That's okay. Now, you're the woman. Here's the deal. 0:12:13.050 --> 0:12:15.590 Whatever you're concerned about. It doesn't have to be all serious. 0:12:16.470 --> 0:12:20.210 Anything that comes to your mind. I'm concerned about our finances. 0:12:20.890 --> 0:12:23.170 I'm concerned that we don't have a long-term plan. I'm 0:12:23.210 --> 0:12:25.929 concerned about that boy our daughter's dating. I don't feel 0:12:25.960 --> 0:12:28.780 good about him. I'm concerned that I feel so tired 0:12:28.820 --> 0:12:31.560 I think something might be wrong. I'm concerned that you 0:12:31.600 --> 0:12:34.460 don't seem to like your job anymore. Anything that comes 0:12:34.480 --> 0:12:36.500 to your mind, okay? And men, here's what we do. 0:12:37.540 --> 0:12:42.540 Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. You're not going to fix anything. Nothing. Nothing. 0:12:43.740 --> 0:12:45.800 Now, what you'll find is the first time, this could 0:12:45.820 --> 0:12:49.100 go a little bit long, and your wife will probably 0:12:49.120 --> 0:12:53.000 have more words than you, but that's okay. Then, ladies, 0:12:53.679 --> 0:12:56.230 you know, he takes the duct tape off, and you 0:12:56.250 --> 0:12:58.090 look in his eyes and say, what are you concerned about? 0:12:58.910 --> 0:13:03.150 And guys, here's the non-option. Oh, not that much. I'm good. 0:13:03.170 --> 0:13:05.309 And you know what? 0:13:05.990 --> 0:13:06.569 Open your mouth. 0:13:08.230 --> 0:13:11.340 You know, I'm concerned about that boy, too, now that 0:13:11.360 --> 0:13:16.150 you think about it. Now, guys, you can't repeat all 0:13:16.170 --> 0:13:21.860 of her concerns. Could you just be honest? She is 0:13:21.960 --> 0:13:25.220 dying to know what's in here. Anything that concerns you. 0:13:27.820 --> 0:13:32.280 You know, I'm concerned that, you know, since my ACL, 0:13:32.380 --> 0:13:34.140 I can't do what I used to do. I can't 0:13:34.179 --> 0:13:36.160 play sports the way I used to. I'm concerned about, 0:13:36.179 --> 0:13:41.290 you know, whatever. Next question. You look at your wife, 0:13:41.490 --> 0:13:44.550 duct tape replaced. By the way, Ladies, when he's talking, 0:13:45.750 --> 0:13:48.570 duct tape. We don't need, oh, that's so bad. I'm 0:13:48.610 --> 0:13:51.210 so sorry. I'll take care of you. You know, just listen. 0:13:52.090 --> 0:13:55.340 Then what do you wish? And by the way, you 0:13:55.380 --> 0:13:57.280 don't have to keep it so serious. Well, I wish 0:13:57.300 --> 0:14:00.080 we'd win the lotto. I wish we'd go to Hawaii 0:14:00.120 --> 0:14:04.240 next week. I wish that boy didn't date our daughter. 0:14:06.260 --> 0:14:08.550 I wish we could have more talks like this. I 0:14:08.610 --> 0:14:10.170 wish we would have a retreat like. 0:14:10.070 --> 0:14:10.790 This once a year. 0:14:10.809 --> 0:14:16.540 I mean, literally, if there was a little, you know, 0:14:16.580 --> 0:14:18.479 one of those lamps and you could wish and you 0:14:18.500 --> 0:14:19.600 could have it, just say it. 0:14:20.620 --> 0:14:21.300 Whatever it is. 0:14:23.960 --> 0:14:25.880 And then we switch it and the man gets to 0:14:25.920 --> 0:14:29.240 do that. And then you get the last question. And 0:14:29.280 --> 0:14:33.100 as a man, you say to her, what are you 0:14:33.140 --> 0:14:33.660 willing to do? 0:14:34.760 --> 0:14:36.480 That's the third question. Now, here's the rule. 0:14:37.040 --> 0:14:39.630 You don't have to do anything You don't have to 0:14:39.670 --> 0:14:44.350 do anything. But here's, and then you ask him, what 0:14:44.370 --> 0:14:48.350 are you willing to do? My first time is I 0:14:48.390 --> 0:14:53.040 was so angry and so hurt. Here's the mind. I'm 0:14:53.080 --> 0:14:56.360 willing to have another one of these conferences. That's all 0:14:56.400 --> 0:15:01.110 I'm willing to do right now. Because there's just too 0:15:01.140 --> 0:15:05.770 much buildup. And here's what this does. You realize the 0:15:05.870 --> 0:15:12.250 average couple talks but says words and rarely gets into 0:15:12.320 --> 0:15:15.620 one another's hearts because it's about kids, it's about logistics, 0:15:15.680 --> 0:15:18.720 it's about stuff. Here's what you end up doing. You 0:15:18.820 --> 0:15:21.820 end up, if you share your concerns, you're getting to 0:15:21.900 --> 0:15:26.060 hear without interruption all the things that are weighing the 0:15:26.140 --> 0:15:29.300 heart of the person that you love and committed your 0:15:29.340 --> 0:15:32.920 life to. And then you get to hear things that 0:15:32.960 --> 0:15:35.370 would put some wind in their sails, that would lift 0:15:35.400 --> 0:15:38.070 them up and would encourage in them And then looking 0:15:38.110 --> 0:15:40.130 at all of their burdens and looking what would give 0:15:40.150 --> 0:15:42.190 them a lift, you have the opportunity and you don't 0:15:42.230 --> 0:15:44.010 have to do it because it's a free act of will. 0:15:44.390 --> 0:15:47.170 You could lift a tiny burden if you wanted to, 0:15:47.860 --> 0:15:54.180 or you could give a little lift. And what happened 0:15:54.220 --> 0:15:59.060 is you've actually communicated. I'll never forget early on on this. 0:15:59.200 --> 0:16:01.370 I mean, she was, I'm concerned about our boys and 0:16:01.380 --> 0:16:03.610 their homework and their math. And it's so difficult and 0:16:03.650 --> 0:16:05.630 this and this and that. And I feel overwhelmed and 0:16:06.350 --> 0:16:10.190 I remember saying, I mean, I was there like, okay, 0:16:10.830 --> 0:16:13.810 I'm willing to take over all the math of all 0:16:13.830 --> 0:16:15.530 of our kids, of all of their homework. 0:16:16.270 --> 0:16:18.270 I like math. It's really easy. It comes good to me. 0:16:18.310 --> 0:16:19.930 My dad was a math teacher. Are you kidding me? 0:16:20.450 --> 0:16:22.510 I had no idea. I had no idea that. 0:16:22.430 --> 0:16:25.210 That was weighing her down. So I took that, and boy, 0:16:25.290 --> 0:16:30.330 their world changed. Sorry, son, I can't read it. 0:16:30.370 --> 0:16:32.950 Do it again. But dad, you know what? Do it again. 0:16:33.770 --> 0:16:36.510 They all got very good in math. And you know 0:16:36.530 --> 0:16:37.430 what she told me later? 0:16:38.390 --> 0:16:41.250 She goes, I just felt so loved. Well, I didn't 0:16:41.310 --> 0:16:44.290 even know it was weighing her down. And so we 0:16:44.370 --> 0:16:47.370 do like a couple of these or sometimes three a week. 0:16:47.430 --> 0:16:50.730 And then, I mean, to this day, you know, sometimes 0:16:50.770 --> 0:16:53.150 we'll feel a little disconnected. And, you know, we did 0:16:53.190 --> 0:16:53.550 it for. 0:16:53.450 --> 0:16:56.740 Years and years and years and years. And we'll, you know, we'll. 0:16:56.630 --> 0:16:58.320 Know we want to reconnect when, you know, we're driving 0:16:58.360 --> 0:16:59.900 in the car and she might turn and go, so 0:17:00.640 --> 0:17:03.040 what are you concerned about? And I realize, okay, yeah, 0:17:03.060 --> 0:17:05.330 we probably need to do this, you know, and It's 0:17:05.390 --> 0:17:10.189 a great tool, and I would just encourage you. It's 0:17:10.260 --> 0:17:13.360 about setting a new trajectory. It's about going into training. 0:17:13.760 --> 0:17:16.639 You start communicating like this on a regular basis, I'm 0:17:16.660 --> 0:17:21.659 gonna tell you. You're gonna hear hurts and things that 0:17:21.700 --> 0:17:23.899 you didn't know about, and you'll have the opportunity to 0:17:23.940 --> 0:17:27.060 come in and express love in ways that are really meaningful, 0:17:27.300 --> 0:17:28.240 and here's what's gonna happen. 0:17:28.280 --> 0:17:32.040 This, then this, then this, then this. And is it 0:17:32.060 --> 0:17:33.260 gonna be a little threatening? Well, yeah. 0:17:33.300 --> 0:17:36.820 Yeah. And by the way, okay, there's a couple rules 0:17:36.840 --> 0:17:39.420 to this. Someone wrote me, you know, after I taught 0:17:39.460 --> 0:17:41.219 this and said, well, what do you do if you 0:17:41.240 --> 0:17:44.379 share all your concerns and my partner's not coming in 0:17:44.400 --> 0:17:46.060 and stepping in and taking care of all the concerns? 0:17:46.119 --> 0:17:50.190 Well, you know what? It's a communication exercise. 0:17:52.250 --> 0:17:54.969 If you share all these things with the expectation that 0:17:55.109 --> 0:17:56.850 if they don't respond the way you want them to, 0:17:57.030 --> 0:18:01.230 guess who's still trying to control the relationship? I mean, 0:18:01.310 --> 0:18:04.700 this is a trust issue. Proverbs 21.1, you might jot 0:18:04.720 --> 0:18:08.020 it down. This is how you change your mate. The 0:18:08.060 --> 0:18:10.100 king's heart is like channels of water in the hand 0:18:10.119 --> 0:18:12.290 of the Lord. He turns it whatever way he wishes. 0:18:13.490 --> 0:18:13.810 Okay? 0:18:14.109 --> 0:18:16.210 In other words, the most powerful people in the world, 0:18:16.490 --> 0:18:19.109 if you want to change someone over here, you talk 0:18:19.170 --> 0:18:22.290 to the king who can change that heart. So if 0:18:22.390 --> 0:18:24.490 I can't get through to her, and she will tell 0:18:24.530 --> 0:18:26.090 you the way she got through to me was like. 0:18:25.990 --> 0:18:28.020 This, up to God, down to me. 0:18:29.460 --> 0:18:32.200 Because my heart and your mate's heart and her heart 0:18:32.690 --> 0:18:34.950 are in the hand of God, and you can ask 0:18:35.030 --> 0:18:39.560 God to speak to them. And this little communication device 0:18:39.619 --> 0:18:42.120 is going to be very helpful. Let me give you 0:18:42.520 --> 0:18:45.399 one more tool. I just call it the care list. 0:18:46.400 --> 0:18:50.720 And so here's the question. This one is not in 0:18:50.740 --> 0:18:52.260 your notes, but you might want to write it on 0:18:52.280 --> 0:18:53.119 the back or something. 0:18:53.520 --> 0:18:54.550 It's really simple. 0:18:55.109 --> 0:19:00.930 It's, I feel most loved when you dot, dot, dot. 0:19:01.920 --> 0:19:04.700 And what I want you to do is list three things. 0:19:06.760 --> 0:19:12.420 I feel most loved when you call me for no reason. 0:19:13.680 --> 0:19:17.480 When you initiate making love. When you take out the 0:19:17.530 --> 0:19:23.290 trash and vacuum. When you lead spiritually. 0:19:24.470 --> 0:19:25.310 When you. 0:19:26.730 --> 0:19:29.570 Don't nag me, but Encourage me to get some time 0:19:29.630 --> 0:19:32.160 away with my buddies when I really need to be refreshed. 0:19:32.480 --> 0:19:36.240 I feel most loved when you list your top three, okay? 0:19:37.060 --> 0:19:39.960 As a man, don't show them to your wife. Ladies, 0:19:40.100 --> 0:19:43.450 you list your top three. And then here's the assignment. 0:19:44.609 --> 0:19:47.189 You take your list of your top three and you 0:19:47.230 --> 0:19:49.570 give it to your husband. You take your list of 0:19:49.609 --> 0:19:51.220 top three and you give it to your wife. 0:19:51.940 --> 0:19:54.520 And now, you know what? We all wonder, how do 0:19:54.560 --> 0:19:57.020 I really love my mate? Well, she just told you. 0:20:00.080 --> 0:20:03.080 Line them up, knock them down. So this week, you 0:20:03.100 --> 0:20:05.219 know what? I know the top three things. I'm going 0:20:05.240 --> 0:20:07.620 to do one of those things in the next seven 0:20:07.640 --> 0:20:10.980 days for my wife. or for my husband this week. Well, 0:20:11.000 --> 0:20:11.700 I don't feel like it. 0:20:11.780 --> 0:20:15.080 Tough. Jesus didn't feel like going to the cross. He went. 0:20:15.460 --> 0:20:17.940 Love is a choice, right? So now we're back to, 0:20:18.540 --> 0:20:21.080 now I've got a game plan. I'm going to serve 0:20:21.119 --> 0:20:23.280 her in a way that makes sense to her. I'm 0:20:23.300 --> 0:20:26.580 going to communicate in ways and I'm going to hear 0:20:26.680 --> 0:20:29.260 her heart or I'm going to hear his heart and 0:20:29.280 --> 0:20:31.680 we're going to go on a journey because guess what now? 0:20:32.260 --> 0:20:33.379 Now I know how to serve. 0:20:35.080 --> 0:20:37.140 I know what we need to plan about because now 0:20:37.200 --> 0:20:39.590 I know where the weights and the hurts are And 0:20:39.619 --> 0:20:42.370 I know where the joys would be. And so now 0:20:42.609 --> 0:20:45.189 I know the top three things that make them feel loved. 0:20:46.190 --> 0:20:48.930 And I'm just going to make a plan to do that. 0:20:49.310 --> 0:20:52.369 Got it? According to Jesus, he who has ears to hear, 0:20:52.410 --> 0:20:52.850 let him hear. 0:20:52.990 --> 0:20:55.080 What he meant by that is, are you going to 0:20:55.320 --> 0:20:57.840 act on what I have just said and trust me 0:20:57.880 --> 0:21:01.080 to the point of obeying me? And if you do, 0:21:01.320 --> 0:21:04.600 I will show up in your life. And if you don't, 0:21:04.740 --> 0:21:06.220 even the truth you think you have is going to 0:21:06.260 --> 0:21:10.060 get taken away. So, um, I think you guys are 0:21:10.080 --> 0:21:11.590 going to act on it, and you're going to see 0:21:11.619 --> 0:21:12.050 God work. 0:21:15.210 --> 0:21:18.010 This is Living on the Edge with Chip Ingram, and 0:21:18.030 --> 0:21:21.330 we're in a series called Choosing Love. Chip has one 0:21:21.390 --> 0:21:23.870 final thought to close today's message in a minute, so 0:21:23.930 --> 0:21:24.409 stay with us. 0:21:25.210 --> 0:21:25.830 If you want to go. 0:21:25.770 --> 0:21:29.270 Deeper into what biblical love truly means, you need Chip's 0:21:29.330 --> 0:21:33.270 latest book, I Choose Love. In this powerful resource, Chip 0:21:33.310 --> 0:21:36.210 reveals that love isn't just something that might happen to 0:21:36.250 --> 0:21:40.040