WEBVTT - The Tell Them Method - How To Stop Holding On To Emotional Baggage and Regret 0:00:00.320 --> 0:00:02.440 I've done a lot of things in the last ten years. 0:00:02.800 --> 0:00:06.760 I created this podcast, started businesses, hosted a world tour, 0:00:07.080 --> 0:00:10.119 and even wrote multiple best selling books. But one of 0:00:10.119 --> 0:00:13.680 my favorite things I've accomplished is my newsletter. It's called 0:00:13.720 --> 0:00:16.680 Weekly Wisdom. For the last four years, I've sent out 0:00:16.720 --> 0:00:21.280 a newsletter every single Thursday. I write about spirituality, love, 0:00:21.680 --> 0:00:24.680 life's challenges, and the practical things we can all do 0:00:24.760 --> 0:00:27.240 every day to get closer to healing and well being. 0:00:27.800 --> 0:00:31.280 Over seven hundred thousand people subscribe, which is still so 0:00:31.440 --> 0:00:34.640 wild to me. I'm grateful to every person who takes 0:00:34.680 --> 0:00:37.360 time out of their day to read it. This newsletter 0:00:37.440 --> 0:00:40.680 gives me a chance to really channel, to express myself 0:00:40.880 --> 0:00:43.120 and share my thoughts in a candid way with you. 0:00:43.760 --> 0:00:46.879 No matter what I do, whether it's podcasting or entrepreneurship, 0:00:47.200 --> 0:00:50.400 the craft I love perfecting the most is my writing. 0:00:50.840 --> 0:00:53.840 I write for myself, for others, and for the world. 0:00:54.400 --> 0:00:56.920 If you'd like to start receiving my newsletter in your 0:00:56.920 --> 0:01:01.560 inbox every Thursday, just go to j Sheddy newsletter dot com. 0:01:01.920 --> 0:01:06.560 That's Jay Shetty newsletter dot com. The newsletter is one 0:01:06.640 --> 0:01:09.680 hundred percent free and you can unsubscribe at any time. 0:01:10.120 --> 0:01:12.240 I hope you will join me and I can't wait 0:01:12.240 --> 0:01:17.680 for you to read it on Thursday. People underestimate the time. 0:01:17.760 --> 0:01:20.160 I think it's so interesting, so many of us we 0:01:20.280 --> 0:01:23.840 choose the worst times to have the best conversations. A 0:01:23.880 --> 0:01:27.160 lot of people in their relationships will choose the moment 0:01:27.280 --> 0:01:30.000 their partner walks through the door to have the most 0:01:30.000 --> 0:01:33.360 difficult conversations. Now, that person maybe just had a stressful 0:01:33.400 --> 0:01:35.880 journey home back from work, and you're thinking to yourself, 0:01:35.920 --> 0:01:38.080 so did I, Well, guess what. You're not in the 0:01:38.160 --> 0:01:41.200 right position either. Not only is the timing wrong for them, 0:01:41.600 --> 0:01:42.840 it's the wrong timing for you. 0:01:43.200 --> 0:01:49.320 The number one Health and Wellness Podcast, Jay Shetty, Jay Shetty, Jon, 0:01:51.760 --> 0:01:54.800 Hey everyone, welcome back to on Purpose, the place you 0:01:54.920 --> 0:01:57.280 come to listen, learn and grow. 0:01:57.680 --> 0:01:59.920 I am so grateful to have you here. My name 0:01:59.920 --> 0:02:02.480 is Jay Shetty. Thank you for joining me for the 0:02:02.520 --> 0:02:06.160 next twenty to thirty minutes as we talk about the 0:02:06.360 --> 0:02:11.200 tell Them Method. Now, I promise you this method is 0:02:11.280 --> 0:02:14.280 going to transform your life. I believe it will change 0:02:14.320 --> 0:02:17.360 the way you work with your colleagues. It will change 0:02:17.400 --> 0:02:20.360 the way you talk to your parents, your partners, It 0:02:20.400 --> 0:02:24.400 will change everything about your life, because more often than not, 0:02:25.080 --> 0:02:28.640 we do the opposite. Instead of the tell them method, 0:02:29.200 --> 0:02:34.240 we practice the tell everyone but their method. Now, let 0:02:34.280 --> 0:02:36.200 me give you a quick overview as to what they 0:02:36.280 --> 0:02:38.799 tell them method is. If you don't want to go 0:02:38.880 --> 0:02:43.000 on a date with someone, tell them if you want 0:02:43.040 --> 0:02:48.399 to cancel plans tonight because you're exhausted. Tell them if 0:02:48.440 --> 0:02:51.400 something feels off to you and you don't want to 0:02:51.400 --> 0:02:56.120 see someone again. Tell them. If you're anxious about a 0:02:56.120 --> 0:02:59.119 project you're taking on at work and you're not sure 0:02:59.160 --> 0:03:02.760 what to do with your bo us. Tell them if 0:03:02.760 --> 0:03:06.960 you don't like to watch sports with your partner. Tell them. 0:03:07.160 --> 0:03:09.480 If you usually wait till the last minute to tell 0:03:09.480 --> 0:03:14.840 people you're not coming, don't do that, Just tell them. 0:03:15.320 --> 0:03:19.520 More often than not, we don't tell them. We don't 0:03:19.560 --> 0:03:25.560 tell people. We hold on to emotional information. We hold 0:03:25.639 --> 0:03:30.560 on to our feelings, We hold on to words, We 0:03:30.680 --> 0:03:36.560 hold on to energy that we're being compelled to share, 0:03:37.000 --> 0:03:41.440 to give, to pass on. But we hold back and 0:03:41.600 --> 0:03:47.119 we hold onto it. There's a famous Zen saying that says, 0:03:47.640 --> 0:03:52.760 letting go is hard, but holding on is harder. Just 0:03:52.880 --> 0:03:57.040 imagine yourself holding on to a piece of rope that's 0:03:57.080 --> 0:04:01.160 being dragged from your hand. If you're holding on tightly, 0:04:01.280 --> 0:04:04.720 gripping tighter and tighter and tighter, it's going to leave 0:04:04.720 --> 0:04:08.280 a burn in your hand. And so often our emotions 0:04:08.680 --> 0:04:10.839 that we want to share with others, that we want 0:04:10.880 --> 0:04:14.680 to exchange, that we want to set free, are the 0:04:14.680 --> 0:04:19.280 ones that we're holding onto so tightly. It's so important 0:04:19.920 --> 0:04:22.640 that we actually tell people how we feel. And this 0:04:22.720 --> 0:04:28.719 applies to both challenging and encouraging emotions. The other day, 0:04:29.120 --> 0:04:33.440 I was talking to someone and I said to them, 0:04:33.440 --> 0:04:34.640 you know what, I'm just going to tell you how 0:04:34.640 --> 0:04:37.800 I feel, and I opened my heart to them. I 0:04:37.839 --> 0:04:40.800 told them how much I appreciated them, how much I 0:04:40.839 --> 0:04:42.719 admired them, how much they meant to me. And I 0:04:42.800 --> 0:04:45.760 meant every word. And they were so shocked and taken 0:04:45.760 --> 0:04:50.479 aback because they were just surprised that someone would actually 0:04:50.560 --> 0:04:52.320 open up in that way and wear their heart and 0:04:52.400 --> 0:04:55.200 their sleeve. And I said to them, I like living 0:04:55.279 --> 0:04:59.640 that way because I'd rather say everything that matters to 0:04:59.680 --> 0:05:05.320 me and be seen as foolish, stupid, weak, then to 0:05:05.400 --> 0:05:08.560 hold it all back and miss out on an opportunity 0:05:08.640 --> 0:05:13.000 for a beautiful relationship. Because what am I really losing 0:05:13.839 --> 0:05:17.599 by sharing how I feel, I don't lose my dignity. 0:05:18.520 --> 0:05:21.560 I don't lose my self worth because I can only 0:05:21.600 --> 0:05:24.960 give that to myself. I don't lose my self esteem 0:05:25.040 --> 0:05:27.839 because I don't give the keys to that to someone 0:05:27.839 --> 0:05:31.880 else in my life. I don't lose anything. When we 0:05:32.000 --> 0:05:34.680 think that opening our heart in a positive way to 0:05:34.720 --> 0:05:38.640 someone else makes us the loser, it means we believe 0:05:39.520 --> 0:05:43.840 that they have the power over us, when actually I 0:05:43.920 --> 0:05:48.960 know for a fact that I opening up my heart 0:05:48.960 --> 0:05:50.839 to someone, telling them how I feel, telling them how 0:05:50.920 --> 0:05:54.279 much they mean to me, and protecting my future self. 0:05:54.720 --> 0:05:58.200 I'm protecting my future self because hey, guess what, if 0:05:58.200 --> 0:06:02.440 they react positively, there's a beautiful relationship here. If they 0:06:02.480 --> 0:06:05.320 reject it, then I still know in the future that 0:06:05.360 --> 0:06:09.520 I did everything within my capacity. I did everything I 0:06:09.560 --> 0:06:15.760 could possibly think of. Now. Sharing positive or vulnerable emotions 0:06:15.800 --> 0:06:19.440 is hard, but sharing a negative feeling towards someone is 0:06:19.480 --> 0:06:22.360 even harder. Telling someone you don't want to go out 0:06:22.360 --> 0:06:25.159 on a second date, telling your family that you don't 0:06:25.200 --> 0:06:29.240 want to come over for the holidays, telling a friend 0:06:29.440 --> 0:06:32.120 that you no longer want to hang out them. These 0:06:32.120 --> 0:06:38.520 can be much more challenging conversations, and they rarely are 0:06:38.520 --> 0:06:40.600 going to go how we want them to go, and 0:06:40.640 --> 0:06:46.120 therefore we avoid them. We avoid tough conversations because we 0:06:46.200 --> 0:06:49.400 don't want to deal with the consequences of what comes 0:06:49.400 --> 0:06:52.520 from them. But the reason why we should tell people 0:06:52.520 --> 0:06:55.560 how we feel is because if we don't tell them, 0:06:56.240 --> 0:06:59.560 we'll probably tell someone else. If you don't tell someone 0:06:59.600 --> 0:07:03.680 how you feel, you'll probably tell someone else how you 0:07:03.720 --> 0:07:08.320 feel about them. We gossip about that person to another person, 0:07:09.160 --> 0:07:14.600 and sometimes they find out, even in the most indirective ways. 0:07:15.120 --> 0:07:19.360 When we gossip or take energy from a relationship into 0:07:19.400 --> 0:07:24.560 another conversation, what we're doing is diluting two relationships. You're 0:07:24.600 --> 0:07:27.840 diluting the relationship you have with the person you're scared 0:07:27.840 --> 0:07:30.800 to tell because now you don't have a deep relationship, 0:07:31.240 --> 0:07:34.600 and you're diluting the relationship with the person you are 0:07:34.640 --> 0:07:38.720 telling because you're boiling down the quality and depth of 0:07:38.760 --> 0:07:43.080 your relationship to be about gossip, to be about discrediting 0:07:43.120 --> 0:07:46.960 someone else, to be about bitterness. Instead of building a 0:07:47.040 --> 0:07:54.000 relationship on positive emotions, we're actually falsely bonding over negative emotions. 0:07:54.720 --> 0:07:59.320 So let's say I want to tell someone that I 0:07:59.360 --> 0:08:02.640 don't think that what they're expecting of me is in 0:08:02.680 --> 0:08:06.520 line with my boundaries. Now, instead of telling them my 0:08:06.640 --> 0:08:11.080 boundaries my expectations, I start talking about them to someone 0:08:11.080 --> 0:08:13.080 else and saying, can you believe that person? They're always 0:08:13.120 --> 0:08:16.960 just you know, they're always just like disrespecting my boundaries. 0:08:17.000 --> 0:08:20.760 They're always disrespecting me. I don't just don't know what 0:08:20.800 --> 0:08:24.080 goes through their head. Now. If I'm saying it in 0:08:24.200 --> 0:08:26.520 order to figure out how to have a conversation with them, 0:08:26.560 --> 0:08:29.760 that's healthy. But if I'm saying it just to get 0:08:29.760 --> 0:08:33.640 it out there, then I'm not actually getting anywhere with it. 0:08:34.559 --> 0:08:36.679 What happens is the next time I see that person, 0:08:37.360 --> 0:08:41.760 I now get more confirmation bias. Confirmation biases where I 0:08:41.800 --> 0:08:44.839 get more information to prove how I felt. I then 0:08:44.880 --> 0:08:46.560 go back to my other friend and talk about it 0:08:46.559 --> 0:08:49.240 all over again, and all of a sudden, I still 0:08:49.240 --> 0:08:52.840 have this person in my life who disrespects my boundaries, 0:08:53.360 --> 0:08:55.040 And now I have someone else in my life who 0:08:55.120 --> 0:08:57.920 I could be building a healthy exchange with, but we 0:08:58.000 --> 0:09:04.400 only talk about bitterness, pain and negativity. So instead of 0:09:04.440 --> 0:09:08.320 telling someone else, tell them it completely sets you free. 0:09:09.400 --> 0:09:12.640 You let go of the baggage of holding onto it. 0:09:13.240 --> 0:09:17.400 You now no longer holding on to the multiple conversations 0:09:17.440 --> 0:09:20.760 you'll have about this scenario, which means you've made space 0:09:21.600 --> 0:09:26.760 for other things. It also allows for you to get 0:09:26.760 --> 0:09:30.400 a reason. And this is the difference. I think so 0:09:30.600 --> 0:09:33.959 often when we want to share something hard or harsh 0:09:34.080 --> 0:09:37.040 or negative with each other, we don't realize that it 0:09:37.080 --> 0:09:39.720 can be done in a beautiful and powerful way. 0:09:40.440 --> 0:09:40.640 Right. 0:09:40.800 --> 0:09:45.600 It's so important to recognize that it's about how you 0:09:45.640 --> 0:09:49.959 say something, not what you say. We think it's all 0:09:49.960 --> 0:09:55.000 about what we say, when really it's about what we 0:09:56.120 --> 0:10:00.720 are meaning to say, how we say it, tension with 0:10:00.760 --> 0:10:04.520 which we share it. And often I find a question 0:10:05.400 --> 0:10:08.840 is far better than an accusation. If you want to 0:10:08.840 --> 0:10:12.240 tell someone how you feel, it's better to tell them 0:10:12.640 --> 0:10:17.440 with a question as a way to check. So to say, hey, 0:10:17.440 --> 0:10:20.679 you know whatever I say that, I don't like it 0:10:20.760 --> 0:10:23.079 when you talk about me like that in front of 0:10:23.120 --> 0:10:26.160 this other person. I wanted to ask you why you 0:10:26.200 --> 0:10:29.720 still continue to do it? Where does it come from? Now? 0:10:29.840 --> 0:10:33.240 This allows you to check in a way that doesn't 0:10:33.240 --> 0:10:36.800 put the other person on the defensive, hopefully doesn't make 0:10:36.840 --> 0:10:40.040 them feel like they have to be critical, And now 0:10:40.040 --> 0:10:41.840 you're actually asking them a question where they get to 0:10:41.840 --> 0:10:45.280 explain themselves. I think we underestimate the value of how 0:10:45.360 --> 0:10:49.360 something said. We have forgotten how to communicate in a 0:10:49.480 --> 0:10:54.040 non violent, non confrontational way. It's interesting, right we think 0:10:54.080 --> 0:10:57.240 that if we're right, no matter what the other person's 0:10:57.280 --> 0:11:00.480 reason is, we're going to confront them, and so because 0:11:00.520 --> 0:11:06.160 we're trying to avoid confrontation, we avoid communication. But actually, 0:11:06.240 --> 0:11:12.640 healthy communication can help us avoid confrontation for no reason. Often, 0:11:12.679 --> 0:11:14.800 if I think someone's behaving with me in a certain way, 0:11:14.800 --> 0:11:16.640 I'll check in with them and say, hey, you know, 0:11:16.679 --> 0:11:19.160 I noticed this. I just wanted to know if you 0:11:19.280 --> 0:11:21.840 notice it or where does it come from. All of 0:11:21.840 --> 0:11:24.720 a sudden, now we're on the same page, We're on 0:11:24.800 --> 0:11:27.719 the same level. I'm not calling that person out, I'm 0:11:27.720 --> 0:11:31.400 not making them look bad. I'm not you assuming that 0:11:31.440 --> 0:11:34.880 they're acting a certain way, and I get the opportunity 0:11:34.960 --> 0:11:38.520 to get an explanation. I'm not asking for a defense, 0:11:39.440 --> 0:11:43.040 I'm asking for their insight. And I think this is 0:11:43.080 --> 0:11:47.000 so important because so often we've watched so many courtroom 0:11:47.080 --> 0:11:50.480 dramas where all we know how to do is put 0:11:50.520 --> 0:11:54.520 someone in their place, and then that person kind of 0:11:54.559 --> 0:11:56.920 has to defend themselves and stand up for themselves. And 0:11:56.960 --> 0:11:58.800 now we're not getting anywhere because now we're doing the 0:11:58.800 --> 0:12:02.920 same thing back. It's so important to tell people through 0:12:02.920 --> 0:12:09.160 a question, tell people in a non confrontational, non violent way. 0:12:09.240 --> 0:12:12.760 It's also brave to tell people how we feel, because 0:12:12.800 --> 0:12:18.240 when we don't, we feel self righteous, but we automatically 0:12:18.280 --> 0:12:23.200 assume that that person is unaware or wrong. I found 0:12:23.200 --> 0:12:25.079 that when I tell people how they feel, they get 0:12:25.120 --> 0:12:27.720 a chance to tell me how they feel, and often 0:12:27.760 --> 0:12:31.400 I realize we're far far closer than we think. So 0:12:31.440 --> 0:12:34.400 I'll give another example. The other day, I was pitching 0:12:34.440 --> 0:12:38.959 an idea. The idea got rejected and I didn't really 0:12:39.000 --> 0:12:41.560 get any feedback, so I said to the team, I said, hey, 0:12:41.600 --> 0:12:44.479 I didn't get any feedback that I felt was valuable 0:12:44.720 --> 0:12:48.800 or insightful. We've got feedback, but the feedback felt pretty vanilla. 0:12:48.840 --> 0:12:52.440 It felt pretty you know, standard feedback. And it was 0:12:52.480 --> 0:12:54.840 hard for me to say, hey, I don't think we 0:12:54.920 --> 0:12:58.040 got any insightful or reflective feedback, but I thought it 0:12:58.120 --> 0:13:00.599 was healthy to say that because I was acknowledging we 0:13:00.640 --> 0:13:03.240 did get feedback, but it wasn't to the degree that 0:13:03.280 --> 0:13:04.840 would help me. And I want to learn and I 0:13:04.880 --> 0:13:07.640 want to grow. All of a sudden, I got some 0:13:07.760 --> 0:13:11.079 amazing feedback, and actually, when I listened to it and 0:13:11.120 --> 0:13:15.360 took accountability, I could totally understand why the idea got rejected. 0:13:16.000 --> 0:13:20.440 I could actually reflect and comprehend why we didn't get 0:13:20.600 --> 0:13:24.800 a yes. And when I communicated that and communicated the 0:13:24.840 --> 0:13:28.120 heart of the pitch, it actually led to our much 0:13:28.160 --> 0:13:31.880 more powerful positive conversation. Again, it was a hard conversation 0:13:31.960 --> 0:13:33.760 for me to have because I didn't want to look desperate. 0:13:34.280 --> 0:13:36.320 I didn't want to look needy. I didn't want to 0:13:36.320 --> 0:13:38.319 look like I was forcing things over. And what I 0:13:38.440 --> 0:13:42.560 realized is I could explain all of that right. Sometimes 0:13:42.920 --> 0:13:46.479 we think, well, I don't want someone to think I'm XYZ, 0:13:47.320 --> 0:13:49.199 and so I'm not going to say it at all, 0:13:49.840 --> 0:13:52.400 rather than saying to them, hey, I'm not trying to 0:13:52.440 --> 0:13:57.000 be XYZ, but this is how I'm feeling. Let's figure 0:13:57.040 --> 0:13:59.959 this out. Know is how it makes such a difference. 0:14:00.400 --> 0:14:04.199 We have to tell people why we think what we think, 0:14:04.679 --> 0:14:07.760 not just what we think. We have to explain to 0:14:07.840 --> 0:14:11.640 people why we're feeling the way we're feeling, not just 0:14:11.760 --> 0:14:15.640 what we're feeling. So often we just tell people our emotions. 0:14:16.400 --> 0:14:20.440 We don't explain our emotions, and when we explain our emotions, 0:14:20.520 --> 0:14:25.320 we give them an opportunity to explain this when we 0:14:25.360 --> 0:14:28.360 tell people how we feel, and more importantly, as I'm 0:14:28.360 --> 0:14:30.400 saying here, we tell people how we feel and why 0:14:30.480 --> 0:14:33.640 we feel that way, and we've recognized that we can 0:14:33.680 --> 0:14:38.080 take some accountability for it. It gives us a sense of closure. 0:14:39.400 --> 0:14:44.040 We've realized that we've done everything within our power, we've 0:14:44.080 --> 0:14:48.960 done everything within our means, we've taken control. We've focused 0:14:49.000 --> 0:14:52.600 on everything we can control, and we don't have to 0:14:52.640 --> 0:14:56.920 be distracted by what we can't control, and that creates 0:14:57.080 --> 0:15:02.160 such a powerful sense of self respect. We get an 0:15:02.240 --> 0:15:07.280 understanding that we have the ability to really stand up 0:15:07.320 --> 0:15:11.280 for ourselves, we have the ability to really recognize how 0:15:11.320 --> 0:15:15.400 we're feeling. And I think this hits very closely to 0:15:15.480 --> 0:15:18.840 why I partnered up with match, and what I really 0:15:18.880 --> 0:15:23.400 found was I wanted to create a space where people 0:15:23.480 --> 0:15:27.680 could connect based on their values. And this was really 0:15:27.720 --> 0:15:30.840 really important to me because I feel that everything I'm 0:15:30.880 --> 0:15:35.520 saying here is because we don't realize that our core 0:15:35.720 --> 0:15:39.880 values have such a big impact in terms of long 0:15:40.000 --> 0:15:43.400 term success. If you ignore core values, you're thinking in 0:15:43.440 --> 0:15:46.440 the next five months. If you take on core values, 0:15:46.600 --> 0:15:49.360 you're living in the next five years. And for anyone 0:15:49.360 --> 0:15:54.160 who's interested and invested in building a long term, long lasting, 0:15:54.480 --> 0:15:59.080 powerful relationship, this mindset is huge. Ninety three percent of 0:15:59.120 --> 0:16:03.360 match members say that shared core values are a crucial 0:16:03.520 --> 0:16:08.880 indicator of relationship success. Now, another reason why it's important 0:16:08.960 --> 0:16:12.160 to tell people is because of what's actually happening inside 0:16:12.200 --> 0:16:17.560 of us. According to a researcher named Nelson, three things 0:16:17.600 --> 0:16:21.440 happen when an emotion is experienced. The first is we 0:16:21.480 --> 0:16:25.840 develop an emotional vibration. The second is we feel the 0:16:25.920 --> 0:16:30.040 emotion and any thoughts or physical sensations associated with it. 0:16:30.440 --> 0:16:34.320 This is where the mind and bodies interconnectedness come into play. 0:16:34.400 --> 0:16:37.240 And number three, we move on from the emotion by 0:16:37.280 --> 0:16:41.560 processing it. But here's the interesting thing. According to Nelson, 0:16:41.600 --> 0:16:45.040 when the second or third step mentioned above gets interrupted, 0:16:45.720 --> 0:16:48.720 the energy of the emotion becomes trapped in the body. 0:16:49.400 --> 0:16:52.280 As a result, you might experience muscle tension, pain, or 0:16:52.320 --> 0:16:58.520 other ailments. Express your emotions to yourself, explain them to others. 0:17:00.000 --> 0:17:03.680 Express your emotions to others. Explain them to others so 0:17:03.720 --> 0:17:06.960 that they have the opportunity to understand them. When we 0:17:07.040 --> 0:17:11.760 do that, we release it from being stored in the body. 0:17:12.000 --> 0:17:16.600 Nelson says, the phrase trapped emotions usually means that you 0:17:16.680 --> 0:17:19.840 want to say something, but you're blocking it from yourself, 0:17:20.440 --> 0:17:25.720 and then that repressed negative emotional energy comes out as resentment, 0:17:26.280 --> 0:17:30.080 being passive, aggressive, It can come out as an overreaction. 0:17:30.760 --> 0:17:34.400 It can come out as depression and stress. Of course, 0:17:34.960 --> 0:17:39.720 and mind body therapist Kelly Vincent compares trapped emotions to 0:17:39.840 --> 0:17:43.679 carrying around a large backpack. It weighs us down, it 0:17:43.680 --> 0:17:46.800 impacts our mood, and it drains our energy. So now 0:17:46.800 --> 0:17:49.240 that you're not saying how you feel to someone else, 0:17:50.080 --> 0:17:54.919 you're now carrying this backpack of emotions into every interaction 0:17:55.040 --> 0:17:58.399 you go to. And what we're really saying is I 0:17:58.440 --> 0:18:03.240 don't want to put in the effort to unpack this backpack. Right. 0:18:03.359 --> 0:18:05.800 Think about it when you've gone on vacation and you 0:18:05.800 --> 0:18:08.720 don't want to unpack a suitcase. So now you'll pack 0:18:08.760 --> 0:18:11.080 it again for the next trip, and you're now carrying 0:18:11.119 --> 0:18:13.399 everything from the first trip for the second trip as well. 0:18:13.560 --> 0:18:15.440 So what you've done is you've just made it harder 0:18:15.440 --> 0:18:18.840 and heavier for yourself. You've just made it more and 0:18:18.920 --> 0:18:22.480 more challenging for yourself when it doesn't need to be. 0:18:23.119 --> 0:18:26.800 That's why it's so important to tell them now. I 0:18:26.840 --> 0:18:31.880 was reading an amazing medically reviewed article by Jennifer Littner 0:18:32.320 --> 0:18:37.040 on Healthline and it was talking about how trapped emotions 0:18:37.040 --> 0:18:42.040 and extreme cases can actually create trauma. She talks about how, 0:18:42.040 --> 0:18:45.240 according to a twenty fifteen survey of almost sixty nine 0:18:45.280 --> 0:18:50.399 thousand adults across six continents, over seventy percent of respondents 0:18:50.680 --> 0:18:54.560 reported exposure to a traumatic event, while thirty point five 0:18:54.600 --> 0:18:58.040 percent were exposed to four or more. Right, this could 0:18:58.119 --> 0:19:01.399 be a breakup or before, she says, it could be 0:19:01.400 --> 0:19:04.560 a major illness, it could be losing your job. And 0:19:04.720 --> 0:19:06.919 what ends up happening is that when we don't share 0:19:07.080 --> 0:19:12.000 or express that emotion on how we feel, that can 0:19:12.160 --> 0:19:15.640 end up being stored in the body. And if you've 0:19:15.680 --> 0:19:18.800 not read this brilliant book called The Body Keeps the Score, 0:19:18.880 --> 0:19:23.520 I highly recommend it. And when we're carrying around these 0:19:23.560 --> 0:19:27.119 emotions and we don't tell people how we feel, we 0:19:27.160 --> 0:19:29.880 don't tell people how we feel about them, we don't 0:19:29.880 --> 0:19:34.600 tell people how they've made us feel, we end up 0:19:34.840 --> 0:19:39.760 blaming ourselves. We end up blaming them rather than engaging 0:19:39.840 --> 0:19:42.880 with them. We can end up taking that stress out 0:19:42.880 --> 0:19:46.080 on loved ones and so a lot of negative energy 0:19:46.680 --> 0:19:49.760 gets trapped in the body when it's not released in 0:19:49.840 --> 0:19:52.320 that way. And so I want to ask you, when's 0:19:52.320 --> 0:19:54.120 the last time you've been feeling a headache? Because there's 0:19:54.160 --> 0:19:55.760 something on your mind and your heart that you've been 0:19:55.800 --> 0:20:00.720 wanting to say. And here's what I'd recommend you do. 0:20:00.760 --> 0:20:04.359 Tell them, because if you don't tell them, you'll spiral. 0:20:05.040 --> 0:20:07.159 If you don't tell them, you will regret it later. 0:20:08.040 --> 0:20:09.680 And the reason why we're not telling them is we 0:20:09.720 --> 0:20:12.399 don't think about this. I want to help you come 0:20:12.480 --> 0:20:16.120 up with a five step formula for how to understand 0:20:16.200 --> 0:20:20.040 how to tell them. The first thing is they're not 0:20:20.160 --> 0:20:23.600 in front of you. What would you say if there 0:20:23.600 --> 0:20:26.360 were no edits right, if you didn't have to filter it, 0:20:26.880 --> 0:20:29.000 if you said it with all the anger, if you 0:20:29.119 --> 0:20:31.919 expressed it with all the pain, all the tension, what 0:20:32.000 --> 0:20:35.880 would it sound like? Write it out, audio it out, 0:20:36.080 --> 0:20:40.480 say it out loud? How would you express your pain, stress, 0:20:40.600 --> 0:20:44.399 tension towards someone without thinking about how they digest it, 0:20:45.000 --> 0:20:48.200 let it out without them there? I ideally would say, 0:20:48.200 --> 0:20:51.080 write this down if you can journal it, because the 0:20:51.119 --> 0:20:54.320 next step is focused on what you actually are trying 0:20:54.400 --> 0:20:58.840 to say. As you now edit this, you're now extracting 0:20:58.920 --> 0:21:03.560 the explanation from the expression. It's not that you're taking 0:21:03.560 --> 0:21:09.680 the emotion out of it, but you're taking the accusatory, 0:21:10.320 --> 0:21:13.840 the blaming, the judgment out of it so that you 0:21:13.880 --> 0:21:18.600 can truly explain how you feel over expressing what you 0:21:18.720 --> 0:21:22.679 think of them. So you're editing now in order to 0:21:22.680 --> 0:21:27.000 make it make sense to someone else. I couldn't be 0:21:27.040 --> 0:21:29.960 more excited to share something truly special with all you 0:21:30.040 --> 0:21:32.680 TA lovers out there. 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The third thing, which I think 0:22:53.600 --> 0:22:56.399 is really important is figure out the best time to 0:22:56.440 --> 0:23:00.520 say it. People underestimate the time. I think it's so interesting. 0:23:00.600 --> 0:23:03.879 So many of us we choose the worst times to 0:23:03.920 --> 0:23:07.080 have the best conversations. A lot of people in their 0:23:07.240 --> 0:23:10.720 relationships will choose the moment their partner walks through the 0:23:10.800 --> 0:23:14.439 door to have the most difficult conversations. Now that person 0:23:14.480 --> 0:23:16.720 maybe just had a stressful journey home back from work 0:23:17.040 --> 0:23:19.520 and you're thinking to yourself, so did I, Well, guess what. 0:23:19.680 --> 0:23:22.280 You're not in the right position either. Not only is 0:23:22.280 --> 0:23:24.879 the timing wrong for them, it's the wrong timing for you. 0:23:25.840 --> 0:23:28.840 The next thing is you don't know how heavy their 0:23:28.880 --> 0:23:32.480 day was, so they're already carrying a load, and now 0:23:32.520 --> 0:23:35.080 they don't have the ability to carry your load. On 0:23:35.119 --> 0:23:39.879 top of it, you've now reduced the probability that they 0:23:40.040 --> 0:23:44.960 have the conscientiousness and the compassion in that moment to 0:23:45.040 --> 0:23:47.920 be present with you. Did they have any capacity? You're 0:23:47.960 --> 0:23:51.760 speaking to them at a time where their emotional capacity 0:23:52.160 --> 0:23:55.200 is so reduced. And it's really funny because we think, 0:23:55.240 --> 0:23:58.280 in this moment, well, they should get it, they should 0:23:58.359 --> 0:24:01.480 understand it. It's it's so important to me. They don't 0:24:01.520 --> 0:24:04.160 have any other time when actually you could have made 0:24:04.200 --> 0:24:06.800 it a lot easier for yourself to bring it up 0:24:06.800 --> 0:24:09.600 at a time that they could digest it. The other 0:24:09.640 --> 0:24:12.840 important thing, not just time, is to figure out the 0:24:12.840 --> 0:24:16.080 best place to say something. I think sometimes again, we 0:24:16.200 --> 0:24:19.240 choose the worst place to have the best conversations. We 0:24:19.280 --> 0:24:22.520 do it over dinner when someone's just trying to eat. 0:24:23.080 --> 0:24:27.439 We do it passive aggressively when someone's friends or family 0:24:27.520 --> 0:24:32.720 is around them. We do it when the person's trying 0:24:32.760 --> 0:24:37.200 to disconnect from everything while watching a TV show, rather 0:24:37.240 --> 0:24:41.199 than setting a time in a place. We take up 0:24:41.280 --> 0:24:45.120 any opportunity because we think it's so important, but anything 0:24:45.160 --> 0:24:47.360 that's truly important. If you think about in the workplace, 0:24:47.400 --> 0:24:50.159 you set in a appointment, you set a meeting to 0:24:50.240 --> 0:24:53.439 have important conversations. We've got to do that even with 0:24:53.480 --> 0:24:58.080 the people we love. Right, And the biggest one, which 0:24:58.119 --> 0:25:03.520 I think we underestimate is that we're usually quite attached 0:25:03.520 --> 0:25:06.320