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Speaker 1: Hi guys, and welcome back to another new episode of

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Speaker 1: Couch Talks. I'm Kat and I'm the host here. If

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Speaker 1: you're new and you're like, what is couch Talks, this

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Speaker 1: is You Need Therapy. Couch Talks is the bonus episode

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Speaker 1: of You Need Therapy where I answer questions that you

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Speaker 1: guys send in to me. And if you have a

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Speaker 1: question that you want to send in to me, you

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Speaker 1: can send it to Catherine k A t h R

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Speaker 1: y n at You Need Therapy podcast dot com. And

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Speaker 1: also reminder to all of you that even though I

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Speaker 1: am a therapist, this is not therapy and I'm not

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Speaker 1: your therapist. Actually I might be depending on who's listening

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Speaker 1: to this right now, um, but I'm most likely not

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Speaker 1: your therapist. So I just want to remind everybody that

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Speaker 1: before we get into the questions. Now, for the emails,

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Speaker 1: we're just going to do one today and it's a

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Speaker 1: good one. I'm super excited about answering this and talking

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Speaker 1: about it. I kind of wish I had somebody to

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Speaker 1: talk about this with, but it's just gonna be me.

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Speaker 1: So here is the question we have. Hi, Cat, So

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Speaker 1: I have a pretty personal question and it kind of

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Speaker 1: has to do with boundaries. I think I have been

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Speaker 1: dating my boyfriend for about six months now, and I

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Speaker 1: run into a problem. I waited about three months to

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Speaker 1: introduce him to my family, which I thought was appropriate

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Speaker 1: because our relationship was new and I wanted and still

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Speaker 1: want to take things slow. Well, it turns out my

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Speaker 1: mom hates him. Well maybe hate is a strong word,

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Speaker 1: but she doesn't think he's right for me. I don't

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Speaker 1: know what to do. I am closed with my family

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Speaker 1: and what my partner to get along with my family

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Speaker 1: and fit in with my family. But also I really

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Speaker 1: like this guy. So should I wait it out? Do

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Speaker 1: I tell my boyfriend that she doesn't like him. I

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Speaker 1: really don't know what to do. Help. Okay, so as

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Speaker 1: if dating was not enough, then we are adding in

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Speaker 1: family dynamics and then boom, it's harder. So I empathize

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Speaker 1: with you. This sounds like a hard situation to be in.

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Speaker 1: I really really like this guy. Things seem to be

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Speaker 1: going well, and then all of a sudden, my mom

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Speaker 1: doesn't like him, and that throws a curveball. Because i've

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Speaker 1: i'm assume always have wanted my mom and imagine my

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Speaker 1: mom to love the person that I want to spend

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Speaker 1: the majority of my life with if that's what your

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Speaker 1: intentions are with dating. So obviously I have so many

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Speaker 1: questions that I wish I could ask you, and obviously

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Speaker 1: as well, I can't and won't tell you what to do,

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Speaker 1: but I would like to encourage you to first and foremost,

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Speaker 1: not catastrophize this situation just yet. I don't know the details,

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Speaker 1: like I said, so there's probably more to this that

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Speaker 1: would help me understand and and make it educated encouragement

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Speaker 1: to you. But the first thing I would definitely say is,

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Speaker 1: let's not catastrophize just yet, because is just because she

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Speaker 1: doesn't like him now, where things seem weird now doesn't

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Speaker 1: mean they're always going to be that way. And just

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Speaker 1: because she doesn't like him or didn't enjoy meeting him

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Speaker 1: for some reason, doesn't mean that can't shift as you

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Speaker 1: guys continue to date, and you know, the world moves.

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Speaker 1: So let's not go to worst case scenario like if

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Speaker 1: I marry this guy, my family will fall apart. We

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Speaker 1: don't know that would happen, So let's talk about mom.

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Speaker 1: So Mom doesn't like him, does she hate his personality

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Speaker 1: or he isn't what she imagined for you, what is

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Speaker 1: it that she does not like about him? And is

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Speaker 1: that something that you also don't like? And is that

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Speaker 1: a deal breaker? So most of our parents most want

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Speaker 1: the best for us, right, So the issue with that

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Speaker 1: is because that's a good thing. But the issue with

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Speaker 1: that is that they are seeing the world through their lens,

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Speaker 1: so they imagine what is best for you through how

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Speaker 1: they have experienced the world and relationships. You have the

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Speaker 1: right to disagree because you've experienced the world through your lens.

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Speaker 1: Then there's this part, and I want you to take

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Speaker 1: this and gently. I wonder if there's any validity to

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Speaker 1: what your mom may be seeing that she doesn't like

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Speaker 1: in him. I wonder because this relationship is still new,

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Speaker 1: which means you might possibly still be in this deep

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Speaker 1: infatuated stage or um, you know, this lustful, excited, blissful.

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Speaker 1: You know, if we all use the term honeymoon phase

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Speaker 1: of your relationship, and when we're in that stage, sometimes

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Speaker 1: we don't see things as clearly as other people see them.

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Speaker 1: And sometimes we just don't see things as clearly as

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Speaker 1: other people see them when we're in them because we

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Speaker 1: have a different vantage point. So maybe, and this is

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Speaker 1: this is maybe because I don't know, but do your

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Speaker 1: your parents might have or your mom might have a

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Speaker 1: legitimate concern, Like she might be seeing something that you

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Speaker 1: are not able to see right now, and I think

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Speaker 1: that is something worth paying attention to. Now you have

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Speaker 1: the ability to disagree, like I said, with what she's seen,

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Speaker 1: but I think there's something to be said about that.

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Speaker 1: And I know for my friends, let's say my friends,

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Speaker 1: this happens probably to everybody. So you don't have kids

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Speaker 1: or something like that, so you can use your friends

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Speaker 1: as examples or comparison. So have you ever had a

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Speaker 1: friend who's dated somebody and you're like, I do not

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Speaker 1: like this person for them, And it's because you're seeing

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Speaker 1: a pattern of behavior or just something in them that

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Speaker 1: really throws you for a loop that they look past

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Speaker 1: or ignore, or just literally can't see. They're blinded by

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Speaker 1: because they are in this relationship and they're seeing all

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Speaker 1: these other things or wanting to see these other things.

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Speaker 1: Now with that that person dating, that person can still

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Speaker 1: choose to date them, whether or not we share that

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Speaker 1: information with them or not. That's their right as well.

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Speaker 1: Like I'm saying, your mom might have these concerns. They

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Speaker 1: might be legitimate or illegitimate, But if they are legitimate,

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Speaker 1: you still have the choice to date him anyway and

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Speaker 1: disagree with her. But I would if you have a

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Speaker 1: good relationship with your mom, like it sounds like you do,

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Speaker 1: I would really, you know, take into consideration it is

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Speaker 1: that she doesn't like about him, if it is something

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Speaker 1: worth looking at, like, I would be very curious of that. Now,

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Speaker 1: if it's his personality she hates, well, she's not dating him.

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Speaker 1: So do you like his personality? And I would assume

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Speaker 1: that you do. But I'm also not sure that details

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Speaker 1: of the relationship, and that's where like, yeah, your mom

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Speaker 1: wouldn't dat him, but you might and that's okay. Or

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Speaker 1: maybe this guy did some things that you know, rubbed

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Speaker 1: her the wrong way. So I know, for me, I

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Speaker 1: grew up in the South, and there is a certain

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Speaker 1: culture that goes along with the expectations of how men

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Speaker 1: should act in relationships and really in general. So to

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Speaker 1: give you some context, I remember I was dating this

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Speaker 1: guy a couple of years ago, and the first night

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Speaker 1: that one of my friends met him, she said, yeah,

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Speaker 1: I knew he was from Mississippi because he took your

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Speaker 1: trash out without asking. I was like, what, and that's

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Speaker 1: just an example of like, that's an expectation that like

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Speaker 1: men and Mrs Sippy or like men in the South,

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Speaker 1: they're supposed to take the trash out, and they're supposed

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Speaker 1: to open the door, and they're supposed to say yes ma'am, no, ma'am,

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Speaker 1: and um. They're spposed to do all these things, and

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Speaker 1: they're supposed to be the breadwinners or they're supposed to

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Speaker 1: have these types of jobs. And so maybe there are

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Speaker 1: some things that this person did or didn't do that

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Speaker 1: maybe just like rubbed your mom the wrong way, and

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Speaker 1: that has to do with more of like her culture

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Speaker 1: and expectations and maybe even generational Maybe Mom hates him

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Speaker 1: or doesn't like him because of his manners. Maybe his

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Speaker 1: manners are different than your implicit family rules, which are

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Speaker 1: unspoken rules. So I personally wouldn't need to date someone

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Speaker 1: who takes my trash out every day, Like, yeah, that

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Speaker 1: was really nice that that guy did that. But there

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Speaker 1: are other characteristics and traits in in a partner that

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Speaker 1: I would look for and that I care about more

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Speaker 1: than somebody who's going to open my car door and

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Speaker 1: take the trash out. And this guy took the trash

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Speaker 1: out and guess what, we are not still together. That's okay,

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Speaker 1: maybe that's what some people really want, and you know what,

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Speaker 1: some pole somebody will love that person. But what I'm

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Speaker 1: saying is like, that's nice of him to do that,

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Speaker 1: but I'm not offended if that's not something that somebody

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Speaker 1: wants to do. So she's judging his character or thinks

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Speaker 1: he's rude because he doesn't do things like hold the

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Speaker 1: door open and say yes Sam and stuff like that.

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Speaker 1: Those are either easy fixes or they're non issues. So

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Speaker 1: you could easily quote unquote fix that and say like, hey,

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Speaker 1: you know, in my family, we refer to all of

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Speaker 1: our elders as ma'am and sir, and so when we're

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Speaker 1: with my family, I would really appreciate it if you

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Speaker 1: could use those words and use that language um out

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Speaker 1: of respect for my parents or my grandparents or my

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Speaker 1: aunts or whoever it is. And you can easily like

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Speaker 1: let somebody know who otherwise wouldn't know to say that.

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Speaker 1: I remember when I moved from Virginia in second grade

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Speaker 1: to Tennessee, I had never experience somebody saying yes man

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Speaker 1: or no ma'am, And then all of a sudden, that's

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Speaker 1: what everybody was saying. I was like, wait, am I

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Speaker 1: supposed to say that? Is it rude? If I don't,

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Speaker 1: And I'd just be like yeah, And then I learned it,

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Speaker 1: like that's rude here. I didn't know, so I needed

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Speaker 1: some education. So what I'm saying in that regard, if

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Speaker 1: if there are things like that, you can either choose

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Speaker 1: to say that's a non issue to me, that doesn't

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Speaker 1: actually bother me. Those things don't bother me. Like if

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Speaker 1: your mom hates him because he's an offer to take

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Speaker 1: the trash out, you could say like, yeah, mom, like

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Speaker 1: that's a you issue, or you can say, oh, yeah, mom,

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Speaker 1: I don't like that either. He just grew up in

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Speaker 1: a different kind of environment and they show appreciation and

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Speaker 1: love and respect in different ways. But he doesn't know that.

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Speaker 1: So I wonder if he knew that's how you experienced respect,

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Speaker 1: if he would shift that, and that would be an

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Speaker 1: easy fix. And man, I really want to reiterate that

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Speaker 1: I empathize with you because but I don't know the

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Speaker 1: details of this. It does really sound like it's really

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Speaker 1: important for you to have a blend right here. It's

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Speaker 1: your family is very important to you. It sounds like

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Speaker 1: you're closed with your family, and a dream for you

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Speaker 1: is that the person that you love spending time with

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Speaker 1: and the person that you choose to be with is

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Speaker 1: something that's going to fit in or jive with your family.

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Speaker 1: And the reality is that's a dream for a lot

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Speaker 1: of people that like, I'm going to find somebody that

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Speaker 1: fits so perfectly into the system that I grew up in.

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Speaker 1: The reality is often that's not the case. And so

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Speaker 1: we have to look at priorities, right, we have to

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Speaker 1: look at what's the most important, what do we want?

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Speaker 1: And then is there anything we want more than that?

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Speaker 1: So what do we want? I want a person that

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Speaker 1: fits in with my family and gets along with my

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Speaker 1: parents and my siblings and all this. Okay, is there

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Speaker 1: anything you want more than that? Uh? No, Okay, is

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Speaker 1: there anything you want more than that? I might ask

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Speaker 1: that to somebody else. Yes, what I want more than

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Speaker 1: somebody who fits in my family is somebody that I

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Speaker 1: feel super super connected with and somebody that I feel

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Speaker 1: can be a partner and respects me and loves me

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Speaker 1: the way that I desire to be loved. Okay, So

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Speaker 1: you might have to sacrifice and give or take in

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Speaker 1: some of these areas, and it reminds me of a

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Speaker 1: story that I heard a long time ago, a couple

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Speaker 1: of years ago at a conference that I was at,

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Speaker 1: and it was this guy was telling a story about

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Speaker 1: how he had become somewhat successful in his business and

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Speaker 1: he lived in Chicago and he wanted to buy a

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Speaker 1: condo that overlooked the city. And so he found this condo.

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Speaker 1: It was awesome. He loved it, and so he went

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Speaker 1: to his financial advisor and was like, Okay, can I

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Speaker 1: afford this condo? And the financial advisor replied after he

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Speaker 1: did some work, and he was like, yeah, yeah, you

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Speaker 1: can totally afford this. But I have one question for you.

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Speaker 1: Is there anything that you want more than this condo?

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Speaker 1: And he said, what do you mean? He was like,

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Speaker 1: you can afford this condo, but is there anything in

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Speaker 1: your life that you want more than this condo right now?

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Speaker 1: And he said, well, yeah, I mean like I want

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Speaker 1: a family, and I want a partner, and I want

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Speaker 1: to be able to go on vacations with my family,

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Speaker 1: and I want financially stress free environment within my family

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Speaker 1: and all that. And he said, okay, well then you

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Speaker 1: can't afford the condo. And he was like what do

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Speaker 1: you mean. He's like, well, if you want all of

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Speaker 1: those things, you're going to have to sacrifice, because to

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Speaker 1: have a family and a partner and a relationship that's

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Speaker 1: super healthy, you can't work with the same capacity that

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Speaker 1: you're working right now, and so your finances might shift.

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Speaker 1: And if your finances shift, then you won't be able

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Speaker 1: to afford this condo. Or if you want to spend

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Speaker 1: your money on vacations and this and that, then your

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Speaker 1: finances are going to shift, and your finances can't shift

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Speaker 1: if you want to afford this condo. And so he

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Speaker 1: lost our short didn't get the condo. I am unclear

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Speaker 1: on it. If you got the other things, but at

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Speaker 1: the time you hadn't got them yet, but he didn't

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Speaker 1: get the condo. And I think that speaks to this

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Speaker 1: idea that, like, I think that we get too caught

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Speaker 1: up in this this American dream vision of like having

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Speaker 1: it all when we don't get to have it all.

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Speaker 1: Most of the time. We get to choose what we prioritize.

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Speaker 1: And I don't know if I'm getting off topic here,

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Speaker 1: but I'm kind of just like spreading this conversation out

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Speaker 1: to sometimes we have to sit with that uncomfortable feeling

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Speaker 1: and that uncomfortable nous of like, ah, man, this isn't

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Speaker 1: the perfect thing that I imagined. And also at the

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Speaker 1: same time, I have something good and I appreciate this

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Speaker 1: something good, and because I have this something good, I

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Speaker 1: can let go of this other thing and that doesn't

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Speaker 1: have to feel good. But I do think that one

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Speaker 1: thing that I would want you, the person and whoever

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Speaker 1: is listening, but the person that wrote this question to

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Speaker 1: look at, is like, what is the most important thing here?

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Speaker 1: Either as okay, I want to please my family if

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Speaker 1: that's priority, that's okay, Or I really want to focus

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Speaker 1: on pleasing myself relationally, that's okay. Not one is not

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Speaker 1: better than the other. But what is going to make

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Speaker 1: you feel most taken care of? So this is not

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Speaker 1: an easy thing. Uh, this is not an easy kind

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Speaker 1: of breeze through it. But I want you to know

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Speaker 1: that I really feel the weight of what this probably

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Speaker 1: is like. Because dating is hard, like I said in

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Speaker 1: the beginning, and it's hard and it's tough out there

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Speaker 1: to find connections with people. So when we find these

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Speaker 1: actions with people, we don't want to let go of

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Speaker 1: them because we remember how hard it was to find

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Speaker 1: that connection. So I feel you and I also want

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Speaker 1: to go back to the thing that I said in

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Speaker 1: the beginning of you don't have to catastrophize this yet.

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Speaker 1: We don't have to go worst case scenario. Let's go

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Speaker 1: through some step before we get to the point where

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Speaker 1: we have to prioritize and pick one over the other.

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Speaker 1: Or maybe there is shifting in the idea of what

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Speaker 1: one of those things looks like. So maybe this is

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Speaker 1: somebody that can get along with my family, but they're

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Speaker 1: not going to be best friends with my dad. Okay, Well,

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Speaker 1: they can spend time with each other and get along

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Speaker 1: and enjoy each other's company. That works for me. They

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Speaker 1: don't have to be best friends with my dad, or

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Speaker 1: they don't be best friends with my mom, or they

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Speaker 1: don't have to be best friends with my brother and

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Speaker 1: my sister. And I want to encourage us to also

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Speaker 1: watch out for this other thing we do. And this

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Speaker 1: speaks to that space where like I want people to

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Speaker 1: like who I'm with and think highly of the person

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Speaker 1: that I am with my partner, I also want to

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Speaker 1: like that per sin and think highly of them and

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Speaker 1: to be honest that it's going to be different in

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Speaker 1: some areas for me then my family, because I'm different

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Speaker 1: from my parents, I'm different from my siblings, I functioned

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Speaker 1: differently in relationships, I have different values in different areas,

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Speaker 1: I have different interests, and so something that I really

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Speaker 1: think highly up in value is going to look different

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Speaker 1: in some areas in my family. And so we have

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Speaker 1: to watch out for that space where our our judgment

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Speaker 1: gets clouded because we're more concerned about the perceptions of

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Speaker 1: what people think about us and the people were with

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Speaker 1: and what we're doing than actually the truth of what

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Speaker 1: we need and we desire. So a lot of food

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Speaker 1: for thought here today. And I also would go ahead

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Speaker 1: and assume that you, the person who wrote this email

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Speaker 1: and are not the only person who is dealing with

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Speaker 1: something like this. And it might not even be in dating.

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Speaker 1: It could be around like the job that I choose

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Speaker 1: to take or the city that I choose to move in,

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Speaker 1: are the way I even dress. Like this all goes

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Speaker 1: to back to like the people pleasing and and all

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Speaker 1: of that, which we've talked about a lot on here.

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Speaker 1: So thank you for the question, thank you for being vulnerable,

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Speaker 1: and good luck to you and your relationship and your

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Speaker 1: relationship with your family. And know that you're not alone

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Speaker 1: in this. So that does it for today's episode of

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Speaker 1: couch Talks. If you have a question that you would

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Speaker 1: like me to answer again, you can send it to

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Speaker 1: Catherine at You Need Therapy podcast dot com. You can

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Speaker 1: follow the podcast at at you Need Therapy Podcast on Instagram,

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Speaker 1: and you can follow me at cat dot defata. And

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Speaker 1: if you could do us the biggest favor and give

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Speaker 1: us a rating and a review UM at the bottom

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Speaker 1: of um Apple Podcasts, that would be awesome. We really

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Speaker 1: appreciate each and every one of those. When you guys

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Speaker 1: do that, I notice, and I really really appreciate it. UM.

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Speaker 1: So if you could do that, if you have constructive feedback,

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Speaker 1: which I also really value, go ahead. You can email

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Speaker 1: that to me as well, and I will UM take

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Speaker 1: that in for some food for thought for myself. So

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Speaker 1: I hope you guys have the day you need to

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Speaker 1: have and I will talk to you guys on Monday.

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Speaker 1: Get excited because I was enthralled with this conversation that

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Speaker 1: you guys are going to hear Monday. So market Calendar

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Speaker 1: said an alarm. Subscribe follow the podcast so you automatically

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Speaker 1: get it and you don't miss this episode because it's

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Speaker 1: so good. All right, I will talk to you guys Monday.