Speaker 1: Hi everyone, I'm Katie Curic and welcome to Next Question today.
Speaker 1: As we venture intoday number who knows what of life
Speaker 1: in the age of shelter in place and social distancing,
Speaker 1: I want to talk about loneliness. It's a feeling like
Speaker 1: love and loss that is so universal that it's the
Speaker 1: backbone to untold number of songs that will make your heartbreak,
Speaker 1: like this nineteen sixty two classic by Bobby Bentonly I'm
Speaker 1: Mr Roy Orbison's is a little more upbeat. And then
Speaker 1: there's this one from John Prine, who died from COVID
Speaker 1: nineteen on April seven, called speed of the Sound of Loneliness. See,
Speaker 1: loneliness was already start need to be accepted as a
Speaker 1: global problem even before this pandemic hit. And now, whether
Speaker 1: you're alone or surrounded by people, that feeling of loneliness
Speaker 1: may be even more profound. It's not only dangerous for
Speaker 1: your mental health and can lead to problems like addiction.
Speaker 1: According to a recent report by the National Academies of Sciences, Medicine,
Speaker 1: and Engineering, loneliness is also tied to an increase in
Speaker 1: heart disease, stroke, diabetes, and dementia. But this isn't news
Speaker 1: to Dr Vivic Murphy, loneliness is not existing in isolation.
Speaker 1: That's not just a bad feeling, but it's actually increasing
Speaker 1: our risk or other conditions that are deeply impactful to
Speaker 1: our life. As Surgeon General under President Obama, he identified
Speaker 1: loneliness as this country's fastest growing public health crisis. Loneliness
Speaker 1: is a subject to state. It's a feeling that the
Speaker 1: connections that you need are greater than the connections that
Speaker 1: you have, and that gap is what creates loneliness. It's
Speaker 1: distinct from the objective state of isolation, which is more
Speaker 1: of a description of the number of people you have
Speaker 1: around you. So I can be surrounded by hundreds of
Speaker 1: other people, like a student on a college campus or
Speaker 1: someone who works in a large office setting, but I
Speaker 1: can still feel profoundly alone. And by contrast, I may
Speaker 1: only have a couple of people around me, but may
Speaker 1: feel deeply fulfilled. It's about the quality of those relationships.
Speaker 1: It's about can I be myself when I'm with somebody else?
Speaker 1: Can I show up as my whole self? Um? Do
Speaker 1: I believe that they accept me for who I am?
Speaker 1: And can I do the same for them? His new
Speaker 1: book Together, The Healing Power of human connection in a
Speaker 1: sometimes lonely world explores this often invisible epidemic, which leads
Speaker 1: me to my next question. Long before we were forced
Speaker 1: into this physical separation, how did we all become so disconnected?
Speaker 1: And what can we do to take better care of
Speaker 1: each other? And who better to ask than Dr Murphy?
Speaker 1: But first I wanted to see how he was doing,
Speaker 1: you know, like everyone else, I've I've just been trying
Speaker 1: to make sense of this and find some some blends
Speaker 1: of order and the chaos that's become my life. You know,
Speaker 1: I'm working at home now, and I'm trying to take
Speaker 1: care of our two kids, who are three and two.
Speaker 1: My wife is in the same boat. Thankfully. We are
Speaker 1: down in Miami, Florida with my parents and my sister.
Speaker 1: This is where I grew up and most of my
Speaker 1: family is still here. But I have a ninety year
Speaker 1: old grandmother at home who recently fractured her head and
Speaker 1: we're worried about her health. My parents are also, you know,
Speaker 1: in their early seventies, and so we're concerned about their exposure.
Speaker 1: So we're grateful to be together, but figuring out how
Speaker 1: to keep everyone safe, especially when my father and sister
Speaker 1: are seeing patients and clinic is a daunting prospect and
Speaker 1: it certainly is a great source of stress right now.
Speaker 1: So they're treating patients and then they're coming back home.
Speaker 1: Are you worried about that? We're worried about them. We're
Speaker 1: worried about my grandmother. Um. We were particularly worried about
Speaker 1: them because, like many doctors around the country, they've had
Speaker 1: a really hard time getting masks, so they have had
Speaker 1: to see patients sometimes without the protection that they need
Speaker 1: for themselves, and that makes work even riskier. You know,
Speaker 1: they still go because they want to serve the patients
Speaker 1: who need them, and they've tried to they've tried to
Speaker 1: convert as many appointments to teleconferencing type consultations and such,
Speaker 1: but you know, there are times where you need to
Speaker 1: see somebody in person, need to examine them, and so
Speaker 1: they're still seeing patients on the limited asis. So yeah,
Speaker 1: I do worry about them. I worry about my grandmother
Speaker 1: at home. I worry about my mother being exposed, and
Speaker 1: I certainly worry about all the other friends I have
Speaker 1: who are doctors and nurses in the front lines, who
Speaker 1: are struggling to take care of patients without masks and
Speaker 1: gowns and gloves. It's so infuriating to me that they
Speaker 1: are doing so much for the public without proper protection,
Speaker 1: not only for themselves, but of course they could potentially
Speaker 1: spread it to other people as well. We're going to
Speaker 1: talk about your book and about loneliness specifically, but as
Speaker 1: someone who was the Surgeon General under President Obama, why
Speaker 1: weren't we better prepared for this? Having been through Ebola
Speaker 1: and Zeka during the Obama administration. A couple of things
Speaker 1: that we learned is one is that you're always going
Speaker 1: to stumble during these responses when you're responding to something new.
Speaker 1: But what matters most of all is how you respond
Speaker 1: to those stumbles, how quickly do get up, how transparent
Speaker 1: are you in the process, and how quickly do you
Speaker 1: learn from the mistakes that you made. The other thing
Speaker 1: that really matters is that you lead with science and
Speaker 1: with scientists. And this is not always easy because when
Speaker 1: you get in front of the cameras in the briefing
Speaker 1: room in the White House, it is incredibly compelling, and
Speaker 1: to be able to get up there and say something positive,
Speaker 1: you know, there's a huge uh. You know, in internal instincts,
Speaker 1: you have to want to make people happy, to make
Speaker 1: them feel better in a time of panic, and you
Speaker 1: have to do that while also not stretching the truth
Speaker 1: or misrepresenting science. And one that's why it's particularly so
Speaker 1: important that not only elected leaders use science and the
Speaker 1: decision making that they put also that they put scientists
Speaker 1: in front of the microphone and give them the opportunity
Speaker 1: to speak directly to the public about what we're learning
Speaker 1: about the pandemic. I think when I look at the
Speaker 1: current response, I think, yes, there were some stumbles, you know,
Speaker 1: early on when it came to getting testing up and running.
Speaker 1: To be fair, this was a pandemic that's greater than
Speaker 1: really anything that we have seen perhaps in the last century.
Speaker 1: So there's an extraordinary phenomenon that they were faced with here.
Speaker 1: But what I think were I think they could probably
Speaker 1: be stronger and almost certainly do better, is when it
Speaker 1: comes to making evidence based decisions, pulling out the stops
Speaker 1: and using every level we have to make sure that
Speaker 1: our healthcare workers have the materials that they need, and
Speaker 1: whether that means activating the the d p A earlier,
Speaker 1: which was a lot of that gives the government ability
Speaker 1: for the Defense Production Act that's right. So whether it
Speaker 1: means activating the Defense Production Act earlier and using every
Speaker 1: lever to take over the supply chain and ensure that
Speaker 1: we're both producing and distributing materials where they need to go,
Speaker 1: you know, there are several things I think that we
Speaker 1: could have been uh, just bolder and stronger and quicker
Speaker 1: to do when it came to this response. And the
Speaker 1: reason that speed matters so much is that when it
Speaker 1: comes to pandemic response, speed equals life saved. If you
Speaker 1: look at the curves the model of the models that
Speaker 1: have been constructed not just in the US but around
Speaker 1: the world of the pandemic response effort, what you see
Speaker 1: is that even a one day delay in instituting stay
Speaker 1: at home measures or a strict mitigation efforts actually increases
Speaker 1: significantly the number of lives that are ultimately lost. So
Speaker 1: speed is of the essence here. The last thing I
Speaker 1: would say is about communication, though you know, one of
Speaker 1: the things that it was abundantly I think clear to
Speaker 1: many of us, both in republican and democratic administrations during
Speaker 1: these kind of responses, is that the most important asset
Speaker 1: you have in this kind of response is public trust,
Speaker 1: and you have to preserve that and treat it as
Speaker 1: a as a sacred bond and a sacred investment, if
Speaker 1: you will, And that means that you've got to make
Speaker 1: sure you're communicating openly and honestly with the public about
Speaker 1: what you know and what you don't know. And the
Speaker 1: reason trust is so important is because during pandemics like this,
Speaker 1: there are times where you're going to need people to
Speaker 1: take action that might be quite painful for them to do,
Speaker 1: but it is essential to be able to get the
Speaker 1: pandemic under control. And we're seeing that right now where
Speaker 1: we're having to ask people to stay at home and
Speaker 1: to not go to work, not go to school, not
Speaker 1: go to college, not visit their friends. This is extremely
Speaker 1: painful both economically and socially and emotionally for people. But
Speaker 1: people will only follow what you're telling them to do
Speaker 1: if they trust you, and so you you can't squander
Speaker 1: that trust by stretching their truth or by contradicting each
Speaker 1: other being inconsistent in your message. You've got to be
Speaker 1: very clear and how you communicate. Many of the people
Speaker 1: listening right now are focused on keeping their families safe,
Speaker 1: but you could change one letter in that word, and
Speaker 1: they're also focused on keeping themselves and their families sane,
Speaker 1: and that's where the topic of loneliness comes in because
Speaker 1: for many people, they are sheltered in place by themselves.
Speaker 1: It's hard enough with a family getting along with a spouse, homeschooling,
Speaker 1: working from home. The pressures are really unparalleled, I think.
Speaker 1: But then you have people who are all by themselves.
Speaker 1: And we're really here to talk about loneliness today because
Speaker 1: that's something that you've been focused on for a few
Speaker 1: years now. You decided to take this issue on when
Speaker 1: you were the surgeon General in the Obama administration, and
Speaker 1: I'm curious how it caught your tension and why, O Katy.
Speaker 1: I didn't think that I would focus on loneliness. When
Speaker 1: I began my tenure, I had spent a lot of
Speaker 1: time thinking about what my priorities would be. I had
Speaker 1: in fact, spoken and testified in front of the Senate
Speaker 1: and shared what my priorities would be, and loneliness was
Speaker 1: not on that list. But what happened to me is
Speaker 1: I was really educated by people around the country who
Speaker 1: invited me to their homes and into town hall meetings
Speaker 1: in their communities, and you being ad to tell me
Speaker 1: stories about what it was that was on their mind. Yeah,
Speaker 1: I've been going to those meetings with usually a simple question,
Speaker 1: which is how can I help? And I heard stories
Speaker 1: that were not entirely surprising, about opiod addiction, about violence
Speaker 1: and communities, about people's struggles with depression, and anxiety by
Speaker 1: their worries that their children might be using social media
Speaker 1: too much. But what was interesting in what I did
Speaker 1: not expect to hear was it behind so many of
Speaker 1: these stories, where threads of lonelines us, with so many
Speaker 1: people saying to me, you know, I feel like I
Speaker 1: have to deal with all of these issues on my own.
Speaker 1: I feel like no one has my back. I feel
Speaker 1: like I disappeared tomorrow wouldn't matter. I just feel invisible.
Speaker 1: And so even though people didn't come up to me
Speaker 1: saying hi, my name is Vebic or my name is
Speaker 1: Katie and I'm struggling with loneliness, when they would say
Speaker 1: those things, it made me wonder if they felt alone.
Speaker 1: So I began surfacing it more proactively in conversation, and
Speaker 1: what I experienced also surprised me again, which was that
Speaker 1: I saw these visceral looks of recognition in people's faces,
Speaker 1: saw it in their eyes, that kind of recognition that said,
Speaker 1: I've felt this before, or people who are close to
Speaker 1: me have experienced this, and I'm aware of it. And
Speaker 1: that was true. Whether I was talking to people in
Speaker 1: remote villages in Alaska, whether I was talking to members
Speaker 1: of Congress in DC or to parents in Oklahoma, people
Speaker 1: seemed to deeply connect with the issue of loneliness, and
Speaker 1: they weren't always comfortable with it. In fact, they often
Speaker 1: felt a sense of shame when admitting to their own loneliness.
Speaker 1: But it was familiar, and that was my first signal
Speaker 1: that there was something deeper going on in the country
Speaker 1: that I had not previously paid enough attention to. I
Speaker 1: had noticed it in my own life. I had struggled
Speaker 1: with loneliness and not a lot as a child, and
Speaker 1: many times during adulthood, including during my time a surgeon general,
Speaker 1: I had seen loneliness a lot among my patients, noting
Speaker 1: that so many of the people who came to our
Speaker 1: hospital and sought care came alone and at some of
Speaker 1: the most critical moments of life, during major illnesses when
Speaker 1: they had to make decisions about treatment, and even Katie
Speaker 1: at the time of death, that they're only people who
Speaker 1: were with them were They're my fellow doctors and nurses
Speaker 1: in the hospital, but there was nobody else who was
Speaker 1: there to witness those critical moments and help them in
Speaker 1: their decision making. So I had seen loneliness, I had
Speaker 1: seen it up close, I had felt it personally, but
Speaker 1: I had no idea, Katie, how common it was. And
Speaker 1: it was those experience, as it was those conversations that
Speaker 1: include me into something that I had been missing. Tell
Speaker 1: me about your own experiences with loneliness as a child
Speaker 1: um as as a child of immigrants. I know that
Speaker 1: you struggled with feeling different and alone. I did, Katie.
Speaker 1: You know I I always really blessed to have some
Speaker 1: amazing people in my life, most of all my parents
Speaker 1: and sister, who who were just my ultimate safety nea
Speaker 1: and whenever I came home, I felt safe and secure.
Speaker 1: I felt loved, I felt seen, I felt value. But
Speaker 1: school was a different matter entirely. When I would go
Speaker 1: to school as a very shy kid who had trouble
Speaker 1: approaching other kids, I found it hard to make friends.
Speaker 1: And one of the scariest times of the day for
Speaker 1: me was not when a test was being administered. It
Speaker 1: was actually lunchtime, when I had to go to the
Speaker 1: cafeteria and wonder if I was going to be sitting alone,
Speaker 1: and that makes me cry of the Well, it turns
Speaker 1: out I wasn't alone in this loneliness. But there's so
Speaker 1: many young people, you know, and people who are older now,
Speaker 1: when they think back on their their times in elementary school,
Speaker 1: they recall moments like this. And what's so interesting about
Speaker 1: loneliness among kids is that we tend to focus a
Speaker 1: lot on bullying as the experience that is really traumatic
Speaker 1: and harmful to children, and with good reason. It's common,
Speaker 1: it's consequential, we should pay attention to it. But loneliness
Speaker 1: is interesting because even though it can be a byproduct
Speaker 1: of bullying, even though it can be a risk factor
Speaker 1: for bullying, it's also its own separate thing. When she
Speaker 1: would peek kids experience of loneliness, often what they'll say is,
Speaker 1: nobody did anything bad to me. They just pretended I
Speaker 1: didn't exist. They just didn't notice that I was even there.
Speaker 1: And that is the experience that I found an interview
Speaker 1: after an interview with parents who had kids struggling with loneliness,
Speaker 1: that was true to their own experience. And so for me,
Speaker 1: you know, thinking about those moments in elementary school, thinking
Speaker 1: about how I would just wait and watch the clock
Speaker 1: and be so excited when I finally hit three o'clock
Speaker 1: in the bell rang, so I could just run out
Speaker 1: to the front and seeing my mother waiting in the
Speaker 1: car for me and jump in and go home. When
Speaker 1: I think about those moments, um, I'm struck by by
Speaker 1: a couple of things. One is the shame that I
Speaker 1: felt around feeling so lonely. You know, to this day,
Speaker 1: i'd actually never talked to my parents about that loneliness
Speaker 1: that I experienced. Yeah, I never have, and at the
Speaker 1: time I didn't because I was ashamed. I thought that
Speaker 1: saying that I was lonely was like saying, you know,
Speaker 1: I was I wasn't fit enough to make friends, or
Speaker 1: I wasn't likable. I was socially deficient in some way.
Speaker 1: Now I don't tell them about it or talk to
Speaker 1: them about it, not because I'm ashamed of it, but
Speaker 1: because I don't want them to feel bad. I don't
Speaker 1: want them to think that I was in pain as
Speaker 1: a child and they didn't know about it, or that
Speaker 1: they did something wrong, because they didn't do anything wrong. Oh,
Speaker 1: thank goodness, you had them because I as you tell
Speaker 1: the story of the VIC I think about kids who
Speaker 1: don't have loving parents and are lonely at school. And
Speaker 1: I know your loneliness was exacerbated by the fact that
Speaker 1: you're you know, you're Indian, and a lot of people
Speaker 1: didn't appreciate or understand your family special customs and traditions.
Speaker 1: It was an interesting thing because I went to a
Speaker 1: school that had growing up in Miami, Florida, that had
Speaker 1: a large African American and Latino population, and diversity was
Speaker 1: is there in some respects in the school, Yet in
Speaker 1: terms of my own cultural background, there was nobody else
Speaker 1: other than me and my sister in the school who
Speaker 1: were of Indian descent. Now that in and of itself
Speaker 1: wasn't problematic, except that, you know, we found that many
Speaker 1: kids who didn't understand what kind of Indian we were would, uh,
Speaker 1: would think that we were Native American, would call me,
Speaker 1: you know, tomahawk boy, would make all of these jokes about,
Speaker 1: you know, about Native American culture, which you know, frankly
Speaker 1: didn't even apply to me, but felt offensive nonetheless, And
Speaker 1: they were all of these um sort of It was
Speaker 1: around the time and that the movie Indiana Jones was made.
Speaker 1: And this may not be remarkable to most people, but
Speaker 1: for people of Indian descent, that movie was highly traumatic
Speaker 1: because they painted this picture of India that was inaccurate
Speaker 1: and frankly quite offensive. You know. So we had all
Speaker 1: these kids in school who thought that we ate monkey brains, uh,
Speaker 1: you know, and who thought that we ate cockroaches and
Speaker 1: and and all kinds of insects, and they just thought
Speaker 1: it was all disgusting. You know where we came from,
Speaker 1: but they had no idea what it was like. But
Speaker 1: they took this from Indiana. Jones and the Temple of Doom.
Speaker 1: That's so interesting. Yeah, And it's funny when I when
Speaker 1: I talked to the Indian men and women who were
Speaker 1: of my age and when I mentioned that movie, I've
Speaker 1: seen many of them shutter because they recall these conversations
Speaker 1: that they had to have with kids in elementary school
Speaker 1: informing them that no, they did not have cockroaches for dinner. No,
Speaker 1: that's not something that we eat. This shows how shows
Speaker 1: how impactful cultural uh, you know, events like a movie
Speaker 1: like that. I would never strike me that that was
Speaker 1: very traumatic and triggering for for people in that community.
Speaker 1: It was. And you know overtime, you know, as I
Speaker 1: got older, it was easier to have a thoughtful conversation
Speaker 1: with people and say, hey, that's actually not what we
Speaker 1: do at home. In fact, most of us are vegetarian.
Speaker 1: But but you know, in elementary school, when you're in
Speaker 1: fourth or sixth grade, like you know, the conversations a
Speaker 1: bit different. Middle school can be a little rough. So
Speaker 1: you know, I would say that those experience, as painful
Speaker 1: as they were, they certainly gave me an appreciation for
Speaker 1: how difficult this social experience can be for children in school,
Speaker 1: especially in a culture that's largely built around extroverts, and
Speaker 1: where the notion of you know, being alone or even
Speaker 1: wanting to spend time alone and sort of looked at
Speaker 1: as evidence that something be wrong with you. Up next,
Speaker 1: how we can avoid a social recession in the wake
Speaker 1: of this pandemic and use this time to appreciate and
Speaker 1: strengthen our most important relationships. At the start of two
Speaker 1: thousand and fifteen, after being appointed the nineteenth Surgeon General
Speaker 1: of the United States, Vivic Murphy criss crossed the country
Speaker 1: on a listening tour, which is where he was surprised
Speaker 1: to find that loneliness was an almost ubiquitous experience among Americans.
Speaker 1: It was a realization that would reshape his mission. You know,
Speaker 1: traditionally the Office of the Surgeon General has focused on
Speaker 1: deeper would causes like physical activity and nutrition, but this
Speaker 1: was an unexpected one and I started to see very
Speaker 1: clearly in these conversations, and as I delve into the
Speaker 1: science behind loneliness, of which there was a surprising amount,
Speaker 1: I started to realize that loneliness is not existing in isolation.
Speaker 1: That's not just a bad feeling, but it's actually increasing
Speaker 1: our risk or other conditions that are deeply impactful to
Speaker 1: our life, conditions like cardiovascar disease and depression and anxiety
Speaker 1: and dementia. There was some very interesting studies out of
Speaker 1: Brigham Young University showing that loneliness is strongly associated with
Speaker 1: a reduction in lifespan as well, a reduction that is
Speaker 1: similar in magnitude to smoking fifteen cigarettes a day and
Speaker 1: greater than the magnitude of mortality impact seen with obesity
Speaker 1: or with sedentary living. But I was also seeing the
Speaker 1: stories of people who were struggling with opioid addiction and
Speaker 1: with addiction to alcohol that there was this profound sense
Speaker 1: of loneliness that they spoke about that just came through
Speaker 1: in their stories and the writing of the book. I
Speaker 1: I delved more deeply into these stories and visited people
Speaker 1: who had spent many years in prison as well to
Speaker 1: understand more about the origins of the life of violence
Speaker 1: as they described it that they had led and there too,
Speaker 1: with so many of them told me was that it
Speaker 1: was their loneliness at a young age had led them
Speaker 1: to join gangs. Um it was a sense of loneliness
Speaker 1: and still a nod at them, you know, during their
Speaker 1: time in prison and when they got out afterwards. So
Speaker 1: again and again and again, it seemed that loneliness was
Speaker 1: not only common, but it was driving us to do
Speaker 1: things that were often harmful to ourselves and to the
Speaker 1: people around us. When I read your book that I
Speaker 1: was thinking about all the mass shootings that I've covered
Speaker 1: and the fact that the shooter, the perpetrator, is often
Speaker 1: described as a loner. So I started thinking about violence,
Speaker 1: gun violence and other kinds of violence and thinking that
Speaker 1: loneliness was at the foundation of those events as well. Yes,
Speaker 1: and it's true when you look at the notes that
Speaker 1: are left by the perpetrators of mass shootings, they often
Speaker 1: do speak to loneliness, often directly. So I want caveat,
Speaker 1: don't want to make here is is The message here
Speaker 1: is not that everyone who's lonely is dangerous or violent
Speaker 1: in some way. But the message here is that when
Speaker 1: we don't address our loneliness, it can manifest in a
Speaker 1: whole variety of ways. It can make us shrink back
Speaker 1: deeper into our shell, and we can experience greater depression
Speaker 1: and anxiety. It can cause us to be more aggressive
Speaker 1: or angry or irritable with people, even in our own family,
Speaker 1: people that we love. Um, it can lead us to
Speaker 1: reach for things to numb the pain that we're feeling,
Speaker 1: things that may not be good for us, like alcohol
Speaker 1: or unhealthy food. And so as we think about this
Speaker 1: deeper emotional pain that I found so common in the
Speaker 1: stories of people around America, what I realized is that
Speaker 1: a lot of this pain is manifest in loneliness. But
Speaker 1: there's a flip side to this as well, which is
Speaker 1: that social connection, it turns out, is an extraordinary source
Speaker 1: of healing. And when I think about the things that
Speaker 1: I prescribed as a doctor, that I studied in medical
Speaker 1: school and in my residency training, the medications that could
Speaker 1: help people, the exercises that could strengthen them. We never
Speaker 1: really studied social relationships. We never thought of that as
Speaker 1: a tool for improving your health, for staving off illness.
Speaker 1: But I came to see that social connection is one
Speaker 1: of the most powerful resources we have. It enables us
Speaker 1: to not only be healthier, but to perform better and
Speaker 1: to show up better, whether it's for our family, in
Speaker 1: school or at work. More than the US adult population
Speaker 1: admits to suffering from loneliness. It's complicated, but in an
Speaker 1: age when we're ostensibly more connected than ever, how did
Speaker 1: we get to this point. Well, I think there's no
Speaker 1: one single thing that led us here, about a combination
Speaker 1: of factors that ultimately have contributed to the loneliness we're
Speaker 1: experiencing today. I think one of them is we are
Speaker 1: certainly more mobile than we were fifty or seventy five
Speaker 1: hundred years ago, which creates extraordinary opportunities for us, but
Speaker 1: also means that we leave communities that we've come to
Speaker 1: know and that serve as anchors, and that can be
Speaker 1: a lonely experience. The other factor is the way we
Speaker 1: in which we use technology. I think is also contributing
Speaker 1: to a weakening of our connections with each other. This
Speaker 1: is not intrinsic to technology itself. In fact, technology, at
Speaker 1: the end of the day, is a tool, and the
Speaker 1: question of how we use it, how we design it,
Speaker 1: is what makes the difference between whether it's strengthens or
Speaker 1: weakens our connections. It's interesting because technology is serving such
Speaker 1: an important purpose now, but I just hope when this
Speaker 1: pandemic is over, people won't keep relying on it and think, well,
Speaker 1: I don't have to have that human interaction. I don't
Speaker 1: have to have the face to face connection. I can
Speaker 1: just FaceTime my friend. And one of the points in
Speaker 1: your book is human connection. There's no substitute for that.
Speaker 1: One of my hopes, Katie, is that is it we
Speaker 1: can come out of this moment of so physical distancing,
Speaker 1: that we can emerge from this pandemic with a greater
Speaker 1: appreciation for the value that our human connections bring to
Speaker 1: our lives. You know, as I walk around the circle
Speaker 1: that I grew up on, you know, these days in Miami,
Speaker 1: I find that there are more and more people who
Speaker 1: are outside, but they wave enthusiastically and smile in ways
Speaker 1: that they've never done before. It's almost like they're hung
Speaker 1: agree to see another person. When cars drive by around
Speaker 1: our circle, I see the drivers slowing down and then
Speaker 1: waving furiously, and then I wave furiously back because I'm
Speaker 1: also so excited to see another human being. And so
Speaker 1: the question is will this last? Can we hold on
Speaker 1: to the deepening appreciation that we have for human connection,
Speaker 1: and also can we use this time to actually deepen
Speaker 1: our connections even though we're physically distant from each other.
Speaker 1: A few things that I think can be quite helpful
Speaker 1: in moments like this is Number one, to make sure
Speaker 1: that we're spending some time each day connecting with someone
Speaker 1: we love, whether that's on video conference or by phone,
Speaker 1: or writing to them to say that we're thinking of them.
Speaker 1: When you do that consistently, day in and day out,
Speaker 1: that can really build a lifeline to the outside world.
Speaker 1: The second, I think it's important to think about the
Speaker 1: quality of that time. This is a moment where we
Speaker 1: can refocus on the quality of our interactions with each other.
Speaker 1: When you put away distraction and you give somebody the
Speaker 1: gift of your full attention, what you do is you
Speaker 1: actually stretch time. Five minutes of a conversation where somebody
Speaker 1: is listening fully to you, and when you are openly
Speaker 1: sharing with them can be more deeply fulfilling then thirty
Speaker 1: minutes spent in distracted conversation. But I also finally think
Speaker 1: that the third way we can really build our strengthen
Speaker 1: our connections with each other now is to serve each other.
Speaker 1: One of the great learnings that I took away from
Speaker 1: the research and stories that I encountered in this book
Speaker 1: is that service, it turns out, is the an unexpected
Speaker 1: but powerful solution to loneliness because when we help other people,
Speaker 1: what we do is we shift the focus from ourselves
Speaker 1: to somebody else in the context of a positive interaction.
Speaker 1: That's so important because when we are chronically lonely, one
Speaker 1: of the paradoxical things that can happen is that we
Speaker 1: start to focus more and more on ourselves, which makes
Speaker 1: it harder to connect with others. The other thing about
Speaker 1: service is that it reaffirms to us that we have
Speaker 1: value to bring to the world, which is so critical
Speaker 1: because chronic loneliness can also chip away at our self
Speaker 1: esteem and make us believe that we're actually lonely because
Speaker 1: we're not likable or because we're not lovable, even though
Speaker 1: that's not the case. So this is a time when
Speaker 1: a lot of people need help, a lot of people
Speaker 1: need the service that we can render. And service in
Speaker 1: this moment doesn't necessarily mean volunteering in a soup kitchen.
Speaker 1: It can mean checking on a neighbor who might be
Speaker 1: elderly and might be worried about going to the grocery
Speaker 1: store and exposing themselves. It could mean calling a friend
Speaker 1: who might be struggling to homeschool their kids and fellow
Speaker 1: work at the same time, just to say, I'm thinking
Speaker 1: about you. I want to know how you're doing. What
Speaker 1: I can do. Can I spend some time talking to
Speaker 1: your twelve year old just to give you a break? Exactly? Exactly?
Speaker 1: That can be immensely mentally helpful. We talk about loneliness
Speaker 1: affecting older people, of course, but I was surprised and
Speaker 1: interested to read that one of the peaks of loneliness
Speaker 1: happens in young adulthood. Part of me was surprised, but
Speaker 1: part of me wasn't, because I look at my college experience,
Speaker 1: for example, and I compare it with my daughters. When
Speaker 1: my daughter had downtime in college, she'd often lie in
Speaker 1: her bed and be on her computer and writes and
Speaker 1: watch some really highbrow show like The Real Housewives as
Speaker 1: a way to kind of get her brain off more
Speaker 1: important things. And I thought, when I had downtime in college,
Speaker 1: I would sit in the hallway eating popcorn or cup
Speaker 1: of soup that I made on my little hot plate,
Speaker 1: or we'd all share a pizza, and we would just
Speaker 1: sit around b seen talking about everything and anything. And
Speaker 1: I thought, Wow, what a change, because it's so easy
Speaker 1: to have downtime alone now it is. And one of
Speaker 1: the things that's happened in the modern world is that
Speaker 1: all of that white space that we used to have
Speaker 1: in our lives, those few minutes or a few hours
Speaker 1: in between meetings or tasks when we would just sit
Speaker 1: and think, or maybe pick up a book and read,
Speaker 1: or maybe just take a walk and let our mind wander.
Speaker 1: Those moments have all been sucked away. They've evaporated, because
Speaker 1: those moments are now filled with our devices. That's right.
Speaker 1: There's something about solitude and about taking our minds off
Speaker 1: of a specific task that can facilitate our thinking in
Speaker 1: our creativity. We tend in the modern day to look
Speaker 1: at that as time wasted, and in fact, we look
Speaker 1: at our phones as efficiency tools, so that if we
Speaker 1: have five minutes and we can clear out five emails,
Speaker 1: you know what, we're waiting for the bus, then that's great,
Speaker 1: that's maybe more efficient. I can be on the subway
Speaker 1: and listen to an audiobook or catch up on the news,
Speaker 1: and I have just saved time. And there is undeniable
Speaker 1: efficiency that comes from our devices. But I think what
Speaker 1: has happened is that because we have perhaps lost sight
Speaker 1: of the value of solitude, we've allowed it to be
Speaker 1: edged out more easily. And that solitude is important not
Speaker 1: just for our creativity, but for allowing us to reflect
Speaker 1: on our own experiences. You know, one of the things
Speaker 1: I realized in the when I was studying and understanding
Speaker 1: loneliness more deeply is that the foundation for connecting to
Speaker 1: other people is a strong connection with ourselves. And a
Speaker 1: strong connection with ourselves is marked by understanding our value
Speaker 1: and our worth. It's a feeling of being centered and grounded,
Speaker 1: and that comes when we have self knowledge, which comes
Speaker 1: from in part time spent reflecting, but it also comes
Speaker 1: from self compassion. And self knowledge and self compassion I
Speaker 1: would allow us to accept ourselves. The compassion pieces perhaps
Speaker 1: the harder of the two though, because many of us,
Speaker 1: myself included, we're raised in a culture that tells us
Speaker 1: that being hard on ourselves is how we push ourselves,
Speaker 1: it's how we achieve more. And we don't want to
Speaker 1: be soft on ourselves or cut too compassionate, because then
Speaker 1: we won't strive as much and will lag behind. It
Speaker 1: turns out that that can be taken to an extreme,
Speaker 1: which it often is, where people beat themselves up to
Speaker 1: no end, and that ultimately destroys their confidence and makes
Speaker 1: it harder, I think, for them to approach other people
Speaker 1: from a healthy state of being. So this is, I think,
Speaker 1: to me, one of the great important lessons I took
Speaker 1: away from the book, and frankly, on a personal level,
Speaker 1: one of the personal struggles I have. I've never been
Speaker 1: sort of a naturally self compassionate person. I think I
Speaker 1: naturally am, but for many years that I have not
Speaker 1: been that way. Um And so part of my own
Speaker 1: struggle as I seek to build a more connected life
Speaker 1: is to find ways to be more compassionate, both towards
Speaker 1: others but also toward myself. Are you worried about a
Speaker 1: social recession that could be even more damaging than an
Speaker 1: economic one. I do think it. You know, this moment
Speaker 1: where we're so deeply worried, appropriately so about the impact
Speaker 1: with COVID nineteen is when we were talking a lot
Speaker 1: about the direct health impact and the economic impact of
Speaker 1: social distancing. But I think that there's another equally important
Speaker 1: impact here, which is an impact on our social lives.
Speaker 1: And I do worry that in our response of COVID
Speaker 1: nineteen that we will not only sustained damage to our
Speaker 1: health and to our economy, but that we will also
Speaker 1: incur a cost to our social lives, to our social health.
Speaker 1: And the longer this period goes on, with people being
Speaker 1: separated from each other, we run the risk of incurring
Speaker 1: a social recession, which is marked by deepening loneliness. But
Speaker 1: I don't think that that's inevitable. I think there's a
Speaker 1: choice that we can make here about whether we allow
Speaker 1: the current moment to not only physically distance our from
Speaker 1: each other, but socially distance ourselves from the people we love,
Speaker 1: or on the other hand, we can use this moment
Speaker 1: to recenter ourselves on their relationships that matter to us,
Speaker 1: to recommit to spending time with the people that we love,
Speaker 1: even if it's virtually and making sure that time counts.
Speaker 1: We can re commit ourselves to helping and serving not
Speaker 1: only the people we know, but the strangers around us
Speaker 1: who form a part of our community. You know, in
Speaker 1: these moments like this, so many people would give anything
Speaker 1: just to be able to go sit in a coffee
Speaker 1: shop with strangers, to be able to walk around a
Speaker 1: grocery store and see other people shopping without fear that
Speaker 1: there be at their source of infection. It turns out
Speaker 1: it's not just our best friends and our spouses. It's
Speaker 1: also our friends, our acquaintances, and the strangers who we
Speaker 1: may not know in our community who form the mental,
Speaker 1: complicated and rich networks that ultimately help us feel connected.
Speaker 1: So I do think that as much as we are
Speaker 1: at risk for a social recession, we can also come
Speaker 1: out of this with a greater sense of why relationships
Speaker 1: matter and appreciation for the fact that it is our
Speaker 1: relationships that are the foundation on which we build everything else,
Speaker 1: And this is our moment to realize that we can
Speaker 1: make those relationships stronger. If I had one credo for
Speaker 1: this book, Kay, it would be put people first. That's
Speaker 1: the most important lesson that I took away from this
Speaker 1: book and a society that is often centered by default
Speaker 1: around the acquisition of wealth and reputation and power as
Speaker 1: sources of worth and meaning, it's important that we reconfigure
Speaker 1: ourselves and say, actually, people and relationships are our greatest
Speaker 1: source of strength and power and health. So let's design
Speaker 1: our workplaces in school is around strengthening connection. Let's decide
Speaker 1: to spend our time and attention on people and prioritize
Speaker 1: them in our lives. And let's also think about relationships
Speaker 1: in the context of our politics, recognizing that the polarization
Speaker 1: that we are experiencing, the difficulty that we're having coming
Speaker 1: together to take on big issues, is just a reflection
Speaker 1: of the deeper erosion of relationships that we've had over years.
Speaker 1: And we know that when we're able to build relationships
Speaker 1: with other people that it makes it easier for us
Speaker 1: to communicate with them, to listen to them, and to
Speaker 1: overcome difficult problems together and define common ground. So what
Speaker 1: are some of the things that you saw being done
Speaker 1: by individuals or at a community level and wrote about
Speaker 1: in your book Together that we could learn from And
Speaker 1: so one of the encouraging things about this journey of
Speaker 1: writing this book on Loneliness and Social Connection is that
Speaker 1: as much as one might think it was hard to
Speaker 1: hear these stories of loneliness and it was, it was
Speaker 1: also inspiring to see the many ways that people have
Speaker 1: found to build connection into their lives and their communities.
Speaker 1: There is great hope for us to in building a
Speaker 1: more connected world, and I think there are some concrete
Speaker 1: things as individuals that we can do to strength and
Speaker 1: connection our lives. One of them is is focusing on
Speaker 1: the quantity of time that we spend with the people
Speaker 1: we love, recognizing that many of us can go days
Speaker 1: and days without even having a ten minute conversation or
Speaker 1: fifteen in a conversation with someone who's meaningful to us.
Speaker 1: But one of the keys to building strong, strong connections
Speaker 1: is to recognize that small steps can make a big difference.
Speaker 1: That the five, ten, or fifteen minutes you might spend
Speaker 1: calling a dear friend, or writing to an old mentor
Speaker 1: or video conferencing with your parents. These are moments which
Speaker 1: seem very small, but they can have a powerful impact
Speaker 1: on how you feel in the moment and how connected
Speaker 1: you feel in the long term. The second thing I
Speaker 1: found is important to focus on is the quality of
Speaker 1: time that we're spending with each other and making sure
Speaker 1: that that time is as undistracted as possible. When we
Speaker 1: focus on other people with our full attention, it brings
Speaker 1: a richness to that interaction that really does a stretch time.
Speaker 1: And so quality matters. And that doesn't mean we should
Speaker 1: never use our devices. We absolutely should um But even
Speaker 1: if that means that we spend less time with people,
Speaker 1: but we make it high quality time, that's the better
Speaker 1: choice to make. I don't think we have to wait
Speaker 1: until the end of our lives to build a life
Speaker 1: that's centered around people. I think we can make that
Speaker 1: decision right now, and if we do, then I think
Speaker 1: we will give ourselves a better opportunity at living a
Speaker 1: life of greater health, greater strength, and also deep, deep fulfillment.
Speaker 1: Vivic Murphy's book is called Together, The Healing Power of
Speaker 1: Human Connection in a sometimes Lonely World, and I highly
Speaker 1: recommend it. It's out now. When we come back, a
Speaker 1: massage therapist tells us what you can do to combat
Speaker 1: your own loneliness. The coronavirus pandemic has upended life as
Speaker 1: we know it. As we do everything we need to
Speaker 1: try to prevent the spread of COVID nineteen. Whether you're
Speaker 1: living in a house with six increasingly annoying people just
Speaker 1: like I am j K, or living in an apartment
Speaker 1: on your own, this new world is, let's face it, lonely,
Speaker 1: So I wanted to see how some of you were
Speaker 1: coping and if you've found ways to help ease the isolation.
Speaker 1: Sarah Horowitz from Brooklyn said the loneliness she's feeling is
Speaker 1: all too familiar. I was widowed suddenly six years ago
Speaker 1: at the age of forty two, so I've been dealing
Speaker 1: with loneliness for a while now. And the thing that
Speaker 1: is getting me through now is I joined an organization
Speaker 1: called the w Connection, and there's chapters around the country
Speaker 1: and it's an organization for widows and it's not a
Speaker 1: bereavement group. It's more a support group and how to
Speaker 1: move forward in your life. And right away early on
Speaker 1: they got online with Zoom, so we do our meetings
Speaker 1: on Zoom now and we're getting to meet women from
Speaker 1: all the different chapters, which has been really um nice.
Speaker 1: So it's just been a lifesaver during this And then
Speaker 1: the other thing I've been doing is once a day,
Speaker 1: different times of the day. It's not the same every day,
Speaker 1: and I just blast a song. I pick a song,
Speaker 1: and I just danced around my apartment and I opened
Speaker 1: the window. And I'm on the second floor, so I
Speaker 1: know people probably look up and wonder what the heck
Speaker 1: is going on, but it just releases the stress. And
Speaker 1: I just kind of flailed around the apartment for one
Speaker 1: song's worth, lasting the music. Amy McMullen, who's quarantined alone
Speaker 1: in Birmingham, Alabama, shared this story about a kind act
Speaker 1: that helped make her situation a little less isolating. My
Speaker 1: seventy one year old mother who's recently with it, has
Speaker 1: two Westy dogs. She is Lindlaine. I doubt and really
Speaker 1: breaks my heart, my sister's heart, not to be able
Speaker 1: to be with her right now, but I matter. This
Speaker 1: past Sunday in between our towns, of all her groceries
Speaker 1: and she wanted to give me Easter baskets, so she
Speaker 1: had made for my naieces who live in my town.
Speaker 1: She included in her hall in the Easter basket for
Speaker 1: me and tucked intoide my Easter basket was one of
Speaker 1: her Westy dogs, little Lacie. She just insisted that I
Speaker 1: take her because she knows what loneliness is, not just
Speaker 1: from the quarantine, but from this past year experiencing such
Speaker 1: great loss. She knows how much a dog can help
Speaker 1: earn those times. And she wanted to give me a
Speaker 1: reason to get outside, something to care for, a reason
Speaker 1: to walk, a reason to get out in the sunshine,
Speaker 1: and someone to keep me company. I'll push back, and
Speaker 1: we argued back and forth, but we all know that
Speaker 1: mother's no best and so ultimately relented, and it truly
Speaker 1: has been the best gift. Lucy has been something else
Speaker 1: to fake us on and something else to worry about,
Speaker 1: a companion by me during those isolated work hours and
Speaker 1: the after hours, and the barking in the background, I
Speaker 1: gotta say has made for great conference called distractions. So ultimately,
Speaker 1: I'm so thankful to my mother for sacrificing one of
Speaker 1: her dogs to me. And it truly just praves that
Speaker 1: dogs are man's or in this case, single quarantine. Female
Speaker 1: best friends, cuddling our pets, and dancing around our living
Speaker 1: rooms are fantastic ways to help combat these intense feelings
Speaker 1: of loneliness. But there's something else that can help us
Speaker 1: find that human connection that Dr Murphy was talking about
Speaker 1: something that's right at our fingertips. Touch is essential in
Speaker 1: reminding us of who we are both as individuals. Touch
Speaker 1: literally keeps us grounded in our own bodies, but then
Speaker 1: also just as important, physical contact reminds us who we
Speaker 1: are as families and as communities. David Loebinstein is a
Speaker 1: massage therapist in New York City and for fifteen years
Speaker 1: he's run of private practice called Full Breath Massage, where
Speaker 1: he uses touch every day to help others, or at
Speaker 1: least he did until recently, like most of the rest
Speaker 1: of us, I had to close my business nearly a
Speaker 1: month ago. This was brutal. I dearly missed my clients,
Speaker 1: and uh, you know, as you can imagine, my touch
Speaker 1: other people professionally for a living. So not being able
Speaker 1: to touch other people except for my my wife and
Speaker 1: my my kids has been surprisingly challenging for me. So
Speaker 1: David did what so many of us are doing these days.
Speaker 1: He went online and now twice a week he holds
Speaker 1: massage tutorials on Instagram Live to instruct other people, whether
Speaker 1: you're alone or with others, about how transformative touch can
Speaker 1: actually be. We need to recognize that a lot of
Speaker 1: the difficulties that we are feeling are the symptoms of loneliness,
Speaker 1: of isolation, of distancing, and all of those things manifest
Speaker 1: in our body, both emotionally and physically. So loneliness is
Speaker 1: that anxiety that wakes you up in the middle of
Speaker 1: the night. Loneliness is that um gut clenching feeling in
Speaker 1: your in your intestines. Loneliness is that that racing in
Speaker 1: your hearts, the feeling of that that vice grip that's
Speaker 1: clamping around your shoulders. Even though the body is this reservoir,
Speaker 1: is this feel this this place that feels like all
Speaker 1: of these awful things are manifesting, The body is also
Speaker 1: the solution. The body is the place that we can
Speaker 1: turn to. The body is the place that we can uh,
Speaker 1: we can learn from as a way to move through
Speaker 1: this feeling of loneliness, this feeling of isolation. The body
Speaker 1: is where we can return to ourselves, can know ourselves
Speaker 1: so that even in this moment of incredible uncertainty, we
Speaker 1: can be conscious of who we are and how we
Speaker 1: are going to move through this moment by moment, day
Speaker 1: by day. Today, David is sharing with us two techniques
Speaker 1: to help you and your quarantine partners feel a bit
Speaker 1: more grounded. He'll walk us through something we can do
Speaker 1: to ourselves. But the first technique is for a partner.
Speaker 1: So grab a friend, your husband, your wife, your significant others,
Speaker 1: your child, and follow along to give them a moment
Speaker 1: of zen. You are going to instruct your partner to
Speaker 1: sit in a hard backed chair, not a couch or
Speaker 1: something super smushy, right, but a dining room chair or
Speaker 1: a desk chair. The key is that your partner should
Speaker 1: scoot their lower back and their glutes all the way
Speaker 1: to the back of the chair so that they feel
Speaker 1: like they are fully supported um by the back of
Speaker 1: the chair. In this position, you want um. You want
Speaker 1: your partner to feel like they are sitting on their
Speaker 1: sits bones. Okay, similar to how you might do in
Speaker 1: yoga class. So make sure that you've guided your your
Speaker 1: partner um into that position, sitting in the chair long
Speaker 1: and and upright. Now, for this shoulder sinking technique, you
Speaker 1: are going to use your forearms. You want to stand
Speaker 1: behind your partner, so you're standing at the back of
Speaker 1: the chair. Okay, So you guys should both be looking
Speaker 1: in the same direction, right, both facing forward. Your forearms
Speaker 1: should be a little bit higher than their shoulders. Okay,
Speaker 1: if the chair is super tall, or if your partner
Speaker 1: is super tall, you want to just pause for a
Speaker 1: moment and get a stool or get a short chair
Speaker 1: that you can stand on so that you're a little
Speaker 1: bit more elevated. Okay, So I want you to imagine
Speaker 1: the place where if you follow them, their neck all
Speaker 1: the way down to the base of the neck, right
Speaker 1: right where the base of the neck meets the top
Speaker 1: of the shoulders. That's where you want your forearms to be. Okay.
Speaker 1: You don't want to use your elbows, because your elbows
Speaker 1: can be a little pointy. You just want to use
Speaker 1: that broad base of the of the forearms. Okay. So
Speaker 1: now I want you to think of placing both of
Speaker 1: your forearms right on your partner's body. So your right
Speaker 1: forearm on their right upper shoulder right or what we're
Speaker 1: calling the top of their shoulder on the right side,
Speaker 1: and then your left forearm at the top of their
Speaker 1: left shoulder. Okay, you're not doing anything. You're not applying
Speaker 1: any pressure here. You're just placing your arms. You're introducing
Speaker 1: your contact. Now, the single most important thing that you
Speaker 1: are going to do is next. You are going to
Speaker 1: slow down your exhalation. You are going to feel your
Speaker 1: own body tall and long and loose, and then you're
Speaker 1: just going to follow that next ex lation all the
Speaker 1: way down to empty. However long that breath is for
Speaker 1: you is fine. This technique and every massage technique will
Speaker 1: feel far better if you, the giver, are relaxed, so
Speaker 1: feeling that long, easy exhalation. I want you, on the
Speaker 1: next exhale to just think of tipping your body weight forward,
Speaker 1: pouring your body weight, if you will, into your forearms,
Speaker 1: so that you are giving your partner some pressure into
Speaker 1: those top of the shoulder spots. Okay, but you're doing
Speaker 1: so in a way that is gentle. You're not pressing
Speaker 1: down with your arms and muscling into their shoulders. You're
Speaker 1: just pouring your body weight into their shoulders. Check in
Speaker 1: with them, see how the pressure is. Chances are, with
Speaker 1: all the stress we're all feeling, they'll be happy with
Speaker 1: a little bit more pressure. So then on your next exhalation,
Speaker 1: you can think of just tipping a little more of
Speaker 1: your body weight forward, Okay, sinking a little bit deeper
Speaker 1: if they want more pressure. You can even think of
Speaker 1: rising up onto your tiptoes and then on that next exhalation,
Speaker 1: sinking your body weight down into the shoulders. Now, chances
Speaker 1: are your partner will not be complaining right now, and
Speaker 1: your partner will be happy to have this go on
Speaker 1: for a good long time. The key here is that
Speaker 1: you do not need to get fancy. You don't need
Speaker 1: to do any special tricks. You just need to give
Speaker 1: your undivided attention to your partner. You need to just
Speaker 1: give your body weight, your breath to your partner. Now,
Speaker 1: if they're ready for a little bit more, you're also
Speaker 1: welcome to instruct your partner to gently stretch their head
Speaker 1: from side to side and front to back so as
Speaker 1: you'll see and as they will tell you, you can
Speaker 1: maintain that easy pressure. And then you can just instruct
Speaker 1: your partner to think of bringing their left ear towards
Speaker 1: their left shoulder, very slowly, taking five or ten seconds,
Speaker 1: just gradually stretching. What they will feel and what you
Speaker 1: will feel is where your right forearm is making contact.
Speaker 1: All of those muscles will be lengthening, will be stretching
Speaker 1: underneath your pressure, So that can be a beautiful way
Speaker 1: of continuing to lengthen and soften those tissues all the
Speaker 1: way along the right side of the neck and shoulders.
Speaker 1: Then just as slowly, you can have your partner come
Speaker 1: back up to neutral, and then they can do the opposite,
Speaker 1: so following their left ear towards their left shoulder, just
Speaker 1: as slowly, holding for as long as feels comfortable there
Speaker 1: at whatever pressure feels comfortable, and then coming back up
Speaker 1: to center. Then, last, but not least, you can instruct
Speaker 1: them again just as slowly to think of bringing their
Speaker 1: forehead down towards their feet. You can sinc with both
Speaker 1: of your forearms into those tops of the shoulders, and
Speaker 1: as they stretch forward, they'll feel that delicious lengthening along
Speaker 1: the back of the spine. And then whenever they're ready,
Speaker 1: they can come up two center. You want to end
Speaker 1: this technique as slowly and with as much love as
Speaker 1: you began the technique, and then you can gleefully tell
Speaker 1: your partner that it's their turn. Now. For those of
Speaker 1: you who are isolating by yourself, or frankly or just
Speaker 1: sick and tired of the people that you're isolating with,
Speaker 1: I also want to be clear that you can use
Speaker 1: your own body as a resource. You can, in essence
Speaker 1: contact yourself. You can feel a little less lonely, uh,
Speaker 1: just by getting a little bit more in touch with
Speaker 1: your own body. So one of my favorite tools to
Speaker 1: make that possible, UH is to use two tennis balls.
Speaker 1: What I do very simply is I placed two tennis
Speaker 1: balls in a long like a tube, sock, even a
Speaker 1: piece of pantyhose is okay. I stuff one ball all
Speaker 1: the way down to the bottom where the toes are,
Speaker 1: I tie a very tight knot. I stuff the second
Speaker 1: tennis ball in all the way down to that not,
Speaker 1: and then I tie another very tight not. So what
Speaker 1: you have here, in essence is like two sausage links, okay.
Speaker 1: And what you'll see is that this um ball and
Speaker 1: sock combination can be used as a um as a
Speaker 1: device for you essentially to sit on or to lie on,
Speaker 1: as a way to release some of those muscles that
Speaker 1: are hard for you to touch yourself. So the technique
Speaker 1: that I want to discuss right now is actually using
Speaker 1: these balls to sit on in a chair. In my experience,
Speaker 1: sitting on these tennis balls can be a marvelous way
Speaker 1: to counteract just some of that feeling of stress intention
Speaker 1: that comes from working a lot. And in addition, they
Speaker 1: can also remind us of our bodies. They can ground
Speaker 1: us in our bodies when we use these um balls.
Speaker 1: Just to be clear, you don't have to use tennis balls.
Speaker 1: They have a little bit of squish to them, so
Speaker 1: it's why I think they're beneficial. But you can experiment
Speaker 1: with frankly, with whatever round objects you have in your house,
Speaker 1: because I know our our means are a little limited
Speaker 1: these days, so improvise however you like. Once you have
Speaker 1: made your balls in a sock contraption, I want you
Speaker 1: to find a chair that's relatively hard. Ideally your feet
Speaker 1: will be able to touch the ground, since that will
Speaker 1: help to further ground you. And then you're going to
Speaker 1: place the two balls in a sock on the seat
Speaker 1: of the chair, closer towards the back of the chair,
Speaker 1: and then you're just going to sit down gently. The
Speaker 1: goal here is that the balls will rest right at
Speaker 1: the top of your hamstrings, so right where your hamstrings
Speaker 1: meet your sits bones. When you have found that spot,
Speaker 1: you'll see you might need to just roll around a
Speaker 1: little bit to find the place that feels right. The
Speaker 1: key here is that you'll find the position that has
Speaker 1: a um even a slight sense of discomfort right These
Speaker 1: are very unusual muscles were not used to them being
Speaker 1: touched unless you're a regular devotee of massage. Okay, so
Speaker 1: they can be quite sensitive. You don't want the contact
Speaker 1: to be painful, but it it is. Okay if it
Speaker 1: feels there's just a little bit of discomfort, but it
Speaker 1: should feel like a satisfying discomfort, one that you can
Speaker 1: breathe into and then when we're here, we just focus
Speaker 1: on finding the very bottom of our exhalation. You can
Speaker 1: literally think of that breath out as sinking your body
Speaker 1: further down into the balls. You can think of these
Speaker 1: muscles hamstrings, hips, glutes, and just imagine them melting ever
Speaker 1: so slightly each time you exhale. As you exhale further,
Speaker 1: you can also imagine the muscles of your back, the
Speaker 1: muscles of your shoulders, the muscles of your neck also
Speaker 1: melting ever so slightly. The beauty of these two balls
Speaker 1: is they provide a place for our awaren us. We
Speaker 1: almost never right, unless for example, we're giving birth right
Speaker 1: or we have a really bad case of hemorrhoids. We
Speaker 1: never think about these particular muscles, but they are literally
Speaker 1: at the seat of us. Okay, So if we can
Speaker 1: be more aware of the this seat of us right
Speaker 1: literally of our pelvis. We can be more grounded, we
Speaker 1: can be more present in our own bodies. So by
Speaker 1: following this exhalation, we're encouraging physically our musculature to sink
Speaker 1: and soften and release. So that feels good just on
Speaker 1: a physical level, okay, but then also on an emotional
Speaker 1: level and even on the level of our autonomic nervous system.
Speaker 1: That slow, easy exhalation is what bringing us back into
Speaker 1: our own body. It's what's getting us out of that
Speaker 1: fight or flight instinct that we are often locked in
Speaker 1: these days, where we're constantly worried about what's going to
Speaker 1: happen next. It allows us to just be in this breath,
Speaker 1: in this moment, right here, right now, which can be
Speaker 1: a great gift that you can give your own body
Speaker 1: and brain. I feel more relaxed already. How about you
Speaker 1: if you want to revisit these exercises or actually see
Speaker 1: how they work. David provided us some short video tutorials
Speaker 1: that will be in our morning newsletter wake Up Call,
Speaker 1: and on my social media channels, and if you want
Speaker 1: to learn more massage techniques, David is doing these Instagram
Speaker 1: live tutorials on Wednesdays and Sundays at four pm Eastern time.
Speaker 1: You can find those by searching David Loebinstein. That's spelled
Speaker 1: s T i n E on Instagram. And that's it
Speaker 1: for this week's episode. I hope it's helped ease some
Speaker 1: of the anxiety and loneliness of this unprecedented situation and
Speaker 1: perhaps inspired you to reconnect with people without distractions, whether
Speaker 1: through conversation service or touch. For the most accurate and
Speaker 1: up to date information on the coronavirus and how to
Speaker 1: keep you and your family safe, make sure you go
Speaker 1: to the CDC and the World Health Organization websites. You
Speaker 1: can also get wake up Call every morning in your email,
Speaker 1: where we're diligently reporting on the day's most pressing news.
Speaker 1: Just go to Katie Correct dot com and sign up.
Speaker 1: Until next time and my Next Question, I'm Katie Correct.
Speaker 1: Thanks so much for listening everyone, and stay safe. Next
Speaker 1: Question with Katie Couric is a production of I Heart
Speaker 1: Radio and Katie Kurik Media. The executive producers are Katie Curic,
Speaker 1: Courtney Litz, and Tyler Klang. The supervising producer is Lauren Hansen.
Speaker 1: Our show producer is Bethan Macaluso. The associate producers are
Speaker 1: Emily Pinto and Derek Clements. Editing by Derrek Clements, Dylan
Speaker 1: Fagan and Lowell Berlante, Mixing by Dylan Fagan. Our researcher
Speaker 1: is Gabriel Loser. For more information on today's episode, go
Speaker 1: to Katie Curik dot com and follow us on Twitter
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