1 00:00:01,400 --> 00:00:04,640 Speaker 1: On this week's episode of Cultivating her Space. 2 00:00:04,880 --> 00:00:11,160 Speaker 2: You will be rewarded for being agreeable and likable. And 3 00:00:12,080 --> 00:00:15,160 Speaker 2: when you are that woman who stands up for yourself, 4 00:00:15,360 --> 00:00:20,160 Speaker 2: or who sets the boundaries, or who holds people accountable, 5 00:00:21,079 --> 00:00:26,400 Speaker 2: society's respond to that woman then tells other women don't 6 00:00:26,440 --> 00:00:31,520 Speaker 2: be like that. Hey lady, have you ever felt like 7 00:00:31,640 --> 00:00:36,280 Speaker 2: the world just doesn't get you? Well, we do. 8 00:00:37,360 --> 00:00:41,080 Speaker 1: Welcome to Cultivating her Space, the podcast dedicated to uplifting 9 00:00:41,120 --> 00:00:42,720 Speaker 1: and empowering women like you. 10 00:00:43,880 --> 00:00:49,760 Speaker 2: We're your hosts, Doctor Dominique Grussard and educator and psychologists. 11 00:00:48,720 --> 00:00:52,320 Speaker 1: And Terry Lomax, a techie and transformational speaker. 12 00:00:52,840 --> 00:00:57,240 Speaker 2: Join us every week for authentic conversations about everything from 13 00:00:57,360 --> 00:01:01,560 Speaker 2: fibroids to fake friends. As we we create space for 14 00:01:01,760 --> 00:01:03,240 Speaker 2: black women to just. 15 00:01:04,080 --> 00:01:07,280 Speaker 1: B Before we dive in, make sure you hit that 16 00:01:07,360 --> 00:01:10,479 Speaker 1: follow button and leave us a quick five star review. Lady. 17 00:01:10,520 --> 00:01:13,600 Speaker 1: We are black founded and black owned, and your support 18 00:01:13,600 --> 00:01:15,720 Speaker 1: will help us reach even more women like you. 19 00:01:16,760 --> 00:01:21,400 Speaker 2: Now, let's get into this week's episode of Cultivating her Space. 20 00:01:23,360 --> 00:01:26,200 Speaker 3: Hey lady, it's doctor dom here from the Cultivating her 21 00:01:26,240 --> 00:01:30,240 Speaker 3: Space podcast. Are you currently a resident of the state 22 00:01:30,280 --> 00:01:35,679 Speaker 3: of California and contemplating starting your therapy journey. Well, if so, 23 00:01:36,480 --> 00:01:40,720 Speaker 3: please reach out to me at doctor Dominique Brusard dot com. 24 00:01:41,200 --> 00:01:46,040 Speaker 3: That's d R D O M I N I q 25 00:01:46,360 --> 00:01:51,760 Speaker 3: U E b R O U ss ar D dot 26 00:01:51,800 --> 00:01:56,720 Speaker 3: com to schedule a free fifteen minute consultation. I look 27 00:01:56,760 --> 00:01:57,960 Speaker 3: forward to hearing from you. 28 00:01:59,080 --> 00:02:04,280 Speaker 2: Our quotes of the day. Discernment is the ability to 29 00:02:04,400 --> 00:02:08,240 Speaker 2: see things for what they really are and not what 30 00:02:08,320 --> 00:02:12,280 Speaker 2: we want them to be. All Right, lady, I'm gonna 31 00:02:12,280 --> 00:02:14,680 Speaker 2: probably repeat this a couple of more times so that 32 00:02:14,840 --> 00:02:22,040 Speaker 2: you hear it. You let it sink in. Discernment is 33 00:02:22,080 --> 00:02:27,200 Speaker 2: the ability to see things for what they really are 34 00:02:27,440 --> 00:02:33,519 Speaker 2: and not what we want them to be. All right, See, girl, 35 00:02:34,639 --> 00:02:37,280 Speaker 2: you need it one more time. Let's do it one 36 00:02:37,320 --> 00:02:38,680 Speaker 2: the time, one more. 37 00:02:38,520 --> 00:02:39,960 Speaker 1: Time for the folks in the back. 38 00:02:41,680 --> 00:02:46,839 Speaker 2: Discernment is the ability to see things for what they 39 00:02:47,080 --> 00:02:51,880 Speaker 2: really are and not what we want them to be. 40 00:02:52,639 --> 00:02:57,400 Speaker 1: A whole word, girl, So Donald, what comes up for 41 00:02:57,520 --> 00:03:01,000 Speaker 1: me when I hear this quote is that at one 42 00:03:01,320 --> 00:03:04,000 Speaker 1: I know that I have. I think my discernment is 43 00:03:04,040 --> 00:03:09,400 Speaker 1: pretty on point. However, as a forever optimist, as someone 44 00:03:09,400 --> 00:03:14,440 Speaker 1: who is very much into manifesting, and you know, thinking 45 00:03:14,560 --> 00:03:18,560 Speaker 1: of the ideal outcomes. A lot of times I realize 46 00:03:18,560 --> 00:03:22,280 Speaker 1: that when it comes to other people, I will either 47 00:03:22,320 --> 00:03:24,280 Speaker 1: give them the benefit of the doubt or see the 48 00:03:24,320 --> 00:03:27,880 Speaker 1: potential in them versus how they are truly showing up. 49 00:03:27,919 --> 00:03:30,080 Speaker 1: And so I am so excited to dive into this 50 00:03:30,120 --> 00:03:33,280 Speaker 1: conversation because there are many ways that I have been 51 00:03:33,280 --> 00:03:35,640 Speaker 1: delusional and I want a lady, I'm going to confess 52 00:03:35,680 --> 00:03:38,200 Speaker 1: some of this to you today so we can come together, 53 00:03:38,200 --> 00:03:40,080 Speaker 1: because what are they saying on social media? Down we 54 00:03:40,120 --> 00:03:42,240 Speaker 1: listen and we don't judge. So y'all all excide it 55 00:03:42,280 --> 00:03:44,119 Speaker 1: for that. And I want to know, don what comes 56 00:03:44,160 --> 00:03:46,680 Speaker 1: up for you as you read this quote and read yeah, 57 00:03:46,920 --> 00:03:47,680 Speaker 1: you read this quote. 58 00:03:48,840 --> 00:03:50,760 Speaker 2: So there's a couple of things that come up for me. 59 00:03:50,840 --> 00:03:54,600 Speaker 2: So one, you know, the current term that folk that 60 00:03:54,640 --> 00:03:58,000 Speaker 2: the folks are using is you know, being a little 61 00:03:58,000 --> 00:04:09,080 Speaker 2: delulu and recognizing that there are times when a lot 62 00:04:09,120 --> 00:04:14,320 Speaker 2: of times when we are looking at a situation through 63 00:04:14,320 --> 00:04:17,760 Speaker 2: what we want it to be and not what it 64 00:04:17,960 --> 00:04:22,599 Speaker 2: actually is and why are we doing that? Right, So 65 00:04:22,680 --> 00:04:24,320 Speaker 2: that's the first thing that comes up for me, like 66 00:04:24,360 --> 00:04:29,080 Speaker 2: the why, like why are we doing that? And then 67 00:04:29,560 --> 00:04:36,560 Speaker 2: the other thing that comes up is acknowledging that as 68 00:04:36,600 --> 00:04:45,080 Speaker 2: we get older, does it look like to truly trust 69 00:04:45,120 --> 00:04:55,239 Speaker 2: our instincts, to tap into ancestral wisdom and to stand 70 00:04:55,360 --> 00:05:00,640 Speaker 2: firm in what we know to be true so that 71 00:05:00,760 --> 00:05:04,719 Speaker 2: we don't get into a space of being the Lulu. 72 00:05:05,720 --> 00:05:08,479 Speaker 1: So, Lady, we're about to dive into this conversation, but 73 00:05:08,480 --> 00:05:10,839 Speaker 1: we're going to start off with some juicy stories first. Okay, 74 00:05:10,880 --> 00:05:13,360 Speaker 1: because I think a lot of times, don I don't 75 00:05:13,360 --> 00:05:15,960 Speaker 1: know about you, but you ever see or hear about 76 00:05:15,960 --> 00:05:20,039 Speaker 1: a successful woman and you hear about some bullshit that 77 00:05:20,080 --> 00:05:22,080 Speaker 1: she didn't been through or tolerated, and you're like, oh 78 00:05:22,080 --> 00:05:24,360 Speaker 1: my gosh, like that happened with her. But I feel 79 00:05:24,400 --> 00:05:27,880 Speaker 1: like we I think it's important to realize that it 80 00:05:27,880 --> 00:05:29,240 Speaker 1: can happen to the best of us. You know what 81 00:05:29,240 --> 00:05:31,320 Speaker 1: I mean when it comes to these situations based on 82 00:05:31,360 --> 00:05:33,400 Speaker 1: where you are in life, how vulnerable you are, just 83 00:05:33,839 --> 00:05:36,640 Speaker 1: how you're wired in general. And so I'm gonna tell 84 00:05:36,640 --> 00:05:38,360 Speaker 1: you a quick little story. Dom. You know this story 85 00:05:38,400 --> 00:05:40,280 Speaker 1: about I'm going to invite the listeners in. I may 86 00:05:40,320 --> 00:05:43,400 Speaker 1: have talked about it before, but girl, we're talking about 87 00:05:43,440 --> 00:05:48,360 Speaker 1: situations where we did not let the discernment lead the 88 00:05:48,400 --> 00:05:52,440 Speaker 1: way and we were a little delulu. And so imagine 89 00:05:52,440 --> 00:05:56,320 Speaker 1: a world where you meet this guy and y'all know, 90 00:05:56,360 --> 00:05:58,120 Speaker 1: I'm like a recently single so I've been in these 91 00:05:58,200 --> 00:06:00,720 Speaker 1: dating streets at y'all. I think coming out of a 92 00:06:00,760 --> 00:06:03,599 Speaker 1: twelve year relationship and not really having a lot of 93 00:06:03,640 --> 00:06:08,080 Speaker 1: experience with dating, I went in pretty naive, I would say, right. 94 00:06:08,640 --> 00:06:12,040 Speaker 1: And initially, although I'm in a very different space now, 95 00:06:12,080 --> 00:06:14,920 Speaker 1: initially sex was my main goal. Was like, okay, I'm 96 00:06:14,920 --> 00:06:17,560 Speaker 1: out in a relationship anymore. Where sex coming from. That's 97 00:06:17,600 --> 00:06:19,919 Speaker 1: what I'm interested in. Okay. So I met this guy 98 00:06:20,560 --> 00:06:24,680 Speaker 1: and we're gonna call him Demon Dick. Okay, we're gonna 99 00:06:24,680 --> 00:06:28,279 Speaker 1: call him Demon Dick. And in the beginning, there were 100 00:06:28,400 --> 00:06:32,480 Speaker 1: obvious red flags, okay, obvious red flags, but he was fine, 101 00:06:33,160 --> 00:06:35,479 Speaker 1: and I was like, oh, there's like some potential here, something, 102 00:06:35,520 --> 00:06:38,799 Speaker 1: you know, something might happen. So things seemed like perfect 103 00:06:38,800 --> 00:06:41,160 Speaker 1: in the beginning. He was charming, attentive, made me feel 104 00:06:41,160 --> 00:06:44,440 Speaker 1: special all the things. The sex was like, oh my gosh, 105 00:06:44,720 --> 00:06:47,480 Speaker 1: it was amazing. And as time went on, I began 106 00:06:47,560 --> 00:06:51,080 Speaker 1: to question my worth and these red flags he got bigger, right, 107 00:06:51,760 --> 00:06:55,560 Speaker 1: And so what I realized is that he the biggest 108 00:06:55,640 --> 00:06:57,559 Speaker 1: red flag for me was that he would say certain 109 00:06:57,600 --> 00:07:00,520 Speaker 1: things it sounded amazing, and that's kind of like what 110 00:07:00,600 --> 00:07:02,039 Speaker 1: drew me in. I was like, oh, this is great 111 00:07:02,240 --> 00:07:04,240 Speaker 1: because I'm in a space in my life where I'm 112 00:07:04,240 --> 00:07:06,440 Speaker 1: a woman of my words. When I say something, I 113 00:07:06,560 --> 00:07:08,640 Speaker 1: do my best to commit to it and show up. 114 00:07:08,680 --> 00:07:10,600 Speaker 1: And I'm like, oh, other people, of course they do 115 00:07:10,640 --> 00:07:14,720 Speaker 1: the same thing now, so he will say all these things, right. 116 00:07:15,240 --> 00:07:16,880 Speaker 1: But then the words that I mashed, and I think 117 00:07:16,920 --> 00:07:19,480 Speaker 1: the kicker for me was they's just just bad behavior 118 00:07:19,480 --> 00:07:21,480 Speaker 1: in general. But I began to write things down, and 119 00:07:21,600 --> 00:07:23,960 Speaker 1: I began to write them down. It's kind of hard 120 00:07:24,000 --> 00:07:26,360 Speaker 1: to deny something when you see that shit written in 121 00:07:26,400 --> 00:07:28,960 Speaker 1: front of your face, because I think sometimes in our mind, 122 00:07:29,040 --> 00:07:31,480 Speaker 1: when you don't have a log of it, it's easy 123 00:07:31,520 --> 00:07:34,880 Speaker 1: to just like ignore it, excuse it, make excuses. But 124 00:07:34,920 --> 00:07:36,760 Speaker 1: when you write that shit down, I said, he said, 125 00:07:37,560 --> 00:07:39,320 Speaker 1: he said this, and then did this. I had to 126 00:07:39,320 --> 00:07:41,080 Speaker 1: like really write it, and girl, there were like fifteen 127 00:07:41,120 --> 00:07:43,920 Speaker 1: different lies, and I said, ma'am, the dick ain't that 128 00:07:44,000 --> 00:07:46,679 Speaker 1: damn good. Okay, we're gonna have to cut this off. 129 00:07:47,080 --> 00:07:49,160 Speaker 1: So it took me a little time and I went 130 00:07:49,200 --> 00:07:51,040 Speaker 1: back a couple times, but then I said, Okay, we 131 00:07:51,080 --> 00:07:53,960 Speaker 1: can't do this. I'm not you know, I'm more valuable 132 00:07:54,040 --> 00:07:55,720 Speaker 1: than this and deserve better than this. And so that 133 00:07:55,800 --> 00:08:01,000 Speaker 1: was my little situation of yeah, experiencing and you know, 134 00:08:01,240 --> 00:08:05,480 Speaker 1: the manipulation, but also not leaning into the discernment. And so, you, girl, 135 00:08:05,600 --> 00:08:08,720 Speaker 1: do you have any situations before we dive into why 136 00:08:08,760 --> 00:08:11,440 Speaker 1: this topic matters and the goalth of our episode for today? 137 00:08:12,720 --> 00:08:16,320 Speaker 2: Yeah, So when you when we started talking about this 138 00:08:16,480 --> 00:08:21,680 Speaker 2: topic and what prompted us to you know, really dive 139 00:08:21,760 --> 00:08:26,679 Speaker 2: into it. I started thinking about like my own past relationships, 140 00:08:27,240 --> 00:08:31,440 Speaker 2: and then also started thinking about some of the clients 141 00:08:31,440 --> 00:08:37,920 Speaker 2: that I see and what they've experienced. Right. And the thing, 142 00:08:39,080 --> 00:08:44,520 Speaker 2: the thing that constantly came up through this process is 143 00:08:46,120 --> 00:08:53,240 Speaker 2: ignoring that discarment, right, ignoring ignoring the red flags, not 144 00:08:53,640 --> 00:09:02,360 Speaker 2: listening to your your instincts. So I think about someone 145 00:09:02,400 --> 00:09:07,760 Speaker 2: that I dated in my late twenties early thirties, who 146 00:09:09,400 --> 00:09:13,400 Speaker 2: I was asking all the questions, right, because at this 147 00:09:13,520 --> 00:09:20,680 Speaker 2: point I've been trained, and you ask ABCD, and you 148 00:09:20,800 --> 00:09:22,920 Speaker 2: go down the list of the questions that you ask 149 00:09:23,400 --> 00:09:28,720 Speaker 2: to find out more information about this person, asked all 150 00:09:28,760 --> 00:09:35,120 Speaker 2: the questions everything looked good, right, the answers were okay, 151 00:09:36,880 --> 00:09:43,600 Speaker 2: and then as time went on, like things seem fine, 152 00:09:43,640 --> 00:09:47,040 Speaker 2: and then towards the end, I think what led to 153 00:09:47,120 --> 00:09:51,199 Speaker 2: the demise of the relationship was at the end there 154 00:09:51,200 --> 00:09:54,720 Speaker 2: were things that I noticed and I called it out, 155 00:09:56,080 --> 00:10:01,640 Speaker 2: and then there was like an excuse around it, and 156 00:10:01,720 --> 00:10:05,880 Speaker 2: then I went into I was like, Okay, there are 157 00:10:05,920 --> 00:10:09,719 Speaker 2: people there. I'm trusting my community, and my community is 158 00:10:09,840 --> 00:10:17,719 Speaker 2: saying yeah, he ain't it. And I was like, I 159 00:10:18,440 --> 00:10:22,360 Speaker 2: hear y'all. I like him though, I hear y'all, but 160 00:10:22,480 --> 00:10:28,520 Speaker 2: let me still pay attention. And then he did something 161 00:10:29,000 --> 00:10:33,560 Speaker 2: that I was like, Oh, this doesn't sit well in 162 00:10:33,640 --> 00:10:40,120 Speaker 2: my spirit. This isn't aligning with what he says. Let 163 00:10:40,160 --> 00:10:45,520 Speaker 2: me do some big, big, deeper research. And when I 164 00:10:45,720 --> 00:10:49,800 Speaker 2: went digging and did the deeper research, it was like, Oh, 165 00:10:50,720 --> 00:10:53,080 Speaker 2: he got a whole nother life happening over here that 166 00:10:53,160 --> 00:10:54,319 Speaker 2: I don't even know about. 167 00:10:54,880 --> 00:10:56,040 Speaker 1: Oh my goodness. 168 00:10:56,520 --> 00:10:59,680 Speaker 2: And so for me, the lesson in that one really 169 00:10:59,840 --> 00:11:06,079 Speaker 2: was like, oh, he I did all the things right. 170 00:11:06,080 --> 00:11:10,960 Speaker 2: So the thing that initially had me stuck was in 171 00:11:11,040 --> 00:11:14,760 Speaker 2: the beginning, I asked all the questions. 172 00:11:14,679 --> 00:11:17,880 Speaker 1: Right, and the answer sounded good. It sounds like the 173 00:11:18,000 --> 00:11:20,040 Speaker 1: answers checked out. 174 00:11:22,080 --> 00:11:26,280 Speaker 2: What I realized is that there was some refining needed 175 00:11:26,559 --> 00:11:31,199 Speaker 2: that needed to happen in those questions to really get 176 00:11:31,280 --> 00:11:37,120 Speaker 2: at the truth, right. And so there's that theme of like, 177 00:11:37,280 --> 00:11:42,040 Speaker 2: so in that situation, like I did all the things 178 00:11:42,080 --> 00:11:50,440 Speaker 2: and then really listened to my instincts, and it took 179 00:11:50,480 --> 00:11:54,320 Speaker 2: a little bit longer for things to the negative things 180 00:11:54,360 --> 00:11:57,280 Speaker 2: to pop up, the red flags to pop up, but 181 00:11:57,480 --> 00:12:00,720 Speaker 2: I listened to like towards the end and listen to 182 00:12:00,760 --> 00:12:01,520 Speaker 2: my instincts. 183 00:12:01,640 --> 00:12:01,840 Speaker 3: Right. 184 00:12:03,960 --> 00:12:08,640 Speaker 2: But I think about those times where as women, we 185 00:12:08,760 --> 00:12:12,680 Speaker 2: might not listen to our instincts in the beginning. And 186 00:12:12,720 --> 00:12:16,040 Speaker 2: I think that's the common theme in these when you 187 00:12:16,120 --> 00:12:20,880 Speaker 2: reflect back on these situations, the common theme is like 188 00:12:21,000 --> 00:12:27,680 Speaker 2: ignoring the red flags, not listening to our instincts when 189 00:12:27,720 --> 00:12:30,840 Speaker 2: things are coming up. That's not sitting right with us. 190 00:12:31,559 --> 00:12:35,160 Speaker 1: Girl, Okay, I can't wait for us to dig in sea. 191 00:12:35,320 --> 00:12:36,680 Speaker 1: Let's ahead and do it. We want to talk about 192 00:12:36,720 --> 00:12:39,800 Speaker 1: why this conversation is important before we dive in, just 193 00:12:39,800 --> 00:12:42,120 Speaker 1: so that you can understand the gravity of this, lady, Okay, 194 00:12:42,160 --> 00:12:45,040 Speaker 1: because in today's world, discernment is more crucial than ever 195 00:12:45,480 --> 00:12:49,480 Speaker 1: with the rise of online dating, social media and professional networking. 196 00:12:49,520 --> 00:12:54,439 Speaker 1: We're meeting more people more, right, more people, Yeah, more 197 00:12:54,480 --> 00:12:57,440 Speaker 1: than ever before, right, And so sometimes without knowing much 198 00:12:57,480 --> 00:13:01,600 Speaker 1: information beyond their curated profiles or their representative and who 199 00:13:01,600 --> 00:13:04,960 Speaker 1: they're presenting to us. And people have access to so 200 00:13:05,040 --> 00:13:07,080 Speaker 1: much more information. So I think this makes it easier 201 00:13:07,080 --> 00:13:09,840 Speaker 1: for manipulators and people to be more strategic and to 202 00:13:09,880 --> 00:13:13,000 Speaker 1: take advantage, especially when you are I want to say, 203 00:13:13,080 --> 00:13:14,840 Speaker 1: and I know we all have you know, we're all 204 00:13:14,840 --> 00:13:16,440 Speaker 1: works in progress, but when you're a good person with 205 00:13:16,480 --> 00:13:18,880 Speaker 1: a big heart and you're just open and you're like, oh, 206 00:13:19,120 --> 00:13:23,120 Speaker 1: everyone has good intentions, it's like not necessarily. Society often 207 00:13:23,320 --> 00:13:27,320 Speaker 1: encourages women to also be polite, accommodating, and open hearted, 208 00:13:27,360 --> 00:13:30,720 Speaker 1: which can make it easier to attract manipulators and make 209 00:13:30,800 --> 00:13:33,400 Speaker 1: us more vulnerable. And we're also living in a time 210 00:13:33,440 --> 00:13:37,760 Speaker 1: where toxic has become a buzzword, Yet many of us 211 00:13:37,800 --> 00:13:41,680 Speaker 1: struggle to recognize these behaviors early enough to protect ourselves 212 00:13:41,960 --> 00:13:44,920 Speaker 1: and listen to that discernment early on. For whatever reasons, 213 00:13:44,960 --> 00:13:47,480 Speaker 1: whether it's you just want a warm body close to you, 214 00:13:48,080 --> 00:13:49,959 Speaker 1: or you're just like, oh, this is fun, I just 215 00:13:50,040 --> 00:13:51,240 Speaker 1: kind of want to have a little fun and you're 216 00:13:51,280 --> 00:13:53,360 Speaker 1: okay with that in the beginning, and then you get 217 00:13:53,360 --> 00:13:57,400 Speaker 1: sucked in. Manipulation doesn't just harm relationships, it can also 218 00:13:57,480 --> 00:14:01,880 Speaker 1: chip away at self trust, confidence, and emotional wellbeing. And 219 00:14:01,880 --> 00:14:04,600 Speaker 1: this is why it's so important to navigate and learn 220 00:14:04,640 --> 00:14:09,599 Speaker 1: how to navigate relationships with discernment, whether it's romantic, professional, 221 00:14:09,840 --> 00:14:12,200 Speaker 1: or platonic. So now we want to talk about some 222 00:14:12,240 --> 00:14:14,520 Speaker 1: of our goals and intentions for the episode, lady, and 223 00:14:14,520 --> 00:14:17,840 Speaker 1: then we're going to get into society's messages messages to 224 00:14:17,880 --> 00:14:21,440 Speaker 1: women and their impact on us, because what society has 225 00:14:21,480 --> 00:14:25,080 Speaker 1: been telling us it's not very helpful, So we're going 226 00:14:25,120 --> 00:14:25,680 Speaker 1: to dive into that. 227 00:14:26,640 --> 00:14:31,200 Speaker 2: So, you know, a lady, as you're listening to this episode, again, 228 00:14:31,400 --> 00:14:36,320 Speaker 2: our goal is to help you build discernment and let 229 00:14:36,320 --> 00:14:38,920 Speaker 2: me let me come back on that. Not to help 230 00:14:38,960 --> 00:14:45,640 Speaker 2: you build discernment, to remind you why discernment is important 231 00:14:46,680 --> 00:14:53,920 Speaker 2: and how to tap into what you already have within 232 00:14:55,280 --> 00:14:59,920 Speaker 2: that you may be using or may have stopped using 233 00:15:00,080 --> 00:15:03,760 Speaker 2: for whatever reason, but you have it within you already. 234 00:15:03,840 --> 00:15:07,840 Speaker 2: And so as you're listening to this episode, we want 235 00:15:07,920 --> 00:15:13,600 Speaker 2: you by the end to recognize, oh, I know how 236 00:15:13,600 --> 00:15:17,240 Speaker 2: to do all of these things. Already. I just needed 237 00:15:17,240 --> 00:15:23,720 Speaker 2: a reminder, all right, So team, let's talk about how 238 00:15:23,760 --> 00:15:29,200 Speaker 2: we got here, right, Like, why is there even a 239 00:15:29,400 --> 00:15:37,760 Speaker 2: need for us to have this conversation around particularly women 240 00:15:39,360 --> 00:15:46,240 Speaker 2: having to build or strengthen that discernment muscle. 241 00:15:47,160 --> 00:15:49,880 Speaker 1: Oh? So shall we talk about the episode our inspiration 242 00:15:51,280 --> 00:15:52,360 Speaker 1: episode we checked out? 243 00:15:53,800 --> 00:15:56,120 Speaker 2: Yeah, let's yeah, let's yea, let's get it. Let's share 244 00:15:56,120 --> 00:15:57,040 Speaker 2: it with the people. 245 00:15:57,240 --> 00:16:00,880 Speaker 1: Okay, lady, So we checked out Lisa Bill. You. I 246 00:16:00,960 --> 00:16:02,600 Speaker 1: really like her platform, her and her husband have a 247 00:16:02,640 --> 00:16:05,760 Speaker 1: really great platform. But she has an episode called Cia 248 00:16:05,920 --> 00:16:09,480 Speaker 1: Spy Cycle Paths and Manipulators target this type of woman, 249 00:16:09,960 --> 00:16:14,720 Speaker 1: spot a con man, and it's with Andrew Bustamante. I believe. Yeah. 250 00:16:15,120 --> 00:16:17,240 Speaker 1: And so this episode to me was pretty fascinating and 251 00:16:17,240 --> 00:16:19,120 Speaker 1: Dom and I watched the episode and there were so many, 252 00:16:19,520 --> 00:16:22,160 Speaker 1: so many lessons and just pro tips in the episode 253 00:16:22,160 --> 00:16:23,600 Speaker 1: that I was like, Damn, I wish I knew this 254 00:16:23,640 --> 00:16:25,760 Speaker 1: when I was younger, or I wish I would have 255 00:16:25,800 --> 00:16:28,480 Speaker 1: revisited this as I began to date after being in 256 00:16:28,480 --> 00:16:31,920 Speaker 1: a twelve year relationship, because there were just some perspective 257 00:16:31,920 --> 00:16:34,280 Speaker 1: shifts that I think I really needed that would have 258 00:16:34,320 --> 00:16:36,800 Speaker 1: helped me avoid certain situations. So Dom and I discussed it, 259 00:16:36,800 --> 00:16:38,520 Speaker 1: and I think the key takeaway for us was that 260 00:16:39,360 --> 00:16:41,720 Speaker 1: because this guy right was in the CIA, they had 261 00:16:41,760 --> 00:16:45,360 Speaker 1: some very extreme methods and some pretty I would say 262 00:16:45,600 --> 00:16:48,920 Speaker 1: useful but also semi exhausting techniques that they would use 263 00:16:49,080 --> 00:16:51,560 Speaker 1: when they were vetting people and just when they were 264 00:16:51,600 --> 00:16:53,680 Speaker 1: interacting with people in everyday life. And so I think 265 00:16:53,680 --> 00:16:57,200 Speaker 1: that because of the industry that he's in, they were 266 00:16:57,200 --> 00:16:58,960 Speaker 1: on one end of the spectrum. And so Dom and 267 00:16:58,960 --> 00:17:01,320 Speaker 1: I were talking about how can we find the balance 268 00:17:01,360 --> 00:17:04,359 Speaker 1: so that we're not analyzing every single person in a 269 00:17:04,400 --> 00:17:06,520 Speaker 1: way through the lens of this is a psychopaths, it's 270 00:17:06,520 --> 00:17:09,359 Speaker 1: a serial killer, but more so just learning to listen 271 00:17:09,359 --> 00:17:11,399 Speaker 1: to our bodies more so we can have that balance 272 00:17:11,440 --> 00:17:13,200 Speaker 1: and even if we don't know what the thing is, 273 00:17:13,520 --> 00:17:16,159 Speaker 1: if our body gives us pause, we take that pause 274 00:17:16,160 --> 00:17:18,760 Speaker 1: and we listen. So it's kind of like, what inspired 275 00:17:18,800 --> 00:17:21,280 Speaker 1: this topic in addition to a couple other things, got 276 00:17:21,320 --> 00:17:22,000 Speaker 1: miss anything there? 277 00:17:22,040 --> 00:17:26,760 Speaker 2: Tom No, I think you got it all right, y'all. 278 00:17:27,400 --> 00:17:33,080 Speaker 2: H So, I think let's let's talk about first the 279 00:17:33,880 --> 00:17:40,320 Speaker 2: cultural conditioning right that as women, and I want to 280 00:17:40,400 --> 00:17:44,680 Speaker 2: I want to be specific that a lot of what 281 00:17:44,720 --> 00:17:54,960 Speaker 2: we're talking about is particularly relevant to women in westernized society, right, yeah. 282 00:17:55,520 --> 00:18:01,960 Speaker 2: That and also recognizing that there are some even within 283 00:18:02,080 --> 00:18:08,440 Speaker 2: Western society, that there are some cultures where you don't 284 00:18:08,480 --> 00:18:14,360 Speaker 2: have choice in terms of who you take on as 285 00:18:14,359 --> 00:18:19,760 Speaker 2: a partner, what type of work you do, who you 286 00:18:19,880 --> 00:18:22,600 Speaker 2: get to interact with on a day to day basis. 287 00:18:23,840 --> 00:18:26,000 Speaker 2: And so I want to be clear that this conversation 288 00:18:26,160 --> 00:18:30,840 Speaker 2: is not for folks in those type of cultures because 289 00:18:32,520 --> 00:18:38,040 Speaker 2: there is a lack of control. This is for our 290 00:18:38,200 --> 00:18:44,879 Speaker 2: westernized woman who does have some sense of agency and 291 00:18:45,000 --> 00:18:48,760 Speaker 2: needs to be reminded of that agency. And so what 292 00:18:48,800 --> 00:18:53,159 Speaker 2: I would say is that the messaging that we have 293 00:18:53,359 --> 00:19:00,600 Speaker 2: received is one be nice and accommodating. Right, So, we 294 00:19:00,640 --> 00:19:02,920 Speaker 2: have an episode where we talk about the difference between 295 00:19:02,920 --> 00:19:09,640 Speaker 2: being nice and being kind, but where we get socialized 296 00:19:09,680 --> 00:19:16,320 Speaker 2: as women that aids in us lowering our discernment. Is 297 00:19:16,359 --> 00:19:22,600 Speaker 2: this notion of being nice and accommodating, meaning you will 298 00:19:22,640 --> 00:19:30,720 Speaker 2: be rewarded for being agreeable and likable. And when you 299 00:19:30,880 --> 00:19:34,960 Speaker 2: are that woman who stands up for yourself, or who 300 00:19:35,359 --> 00:19:40,920 Speaker 2: sets the boundaries, or who holds people accountable, or who 301 00:19:42,480 --> 00:19:48,800 Speaker 2: doesn't say or do the quote unquote expected things. Society's 302 00:19:48,880 --> 00:19:56,359 Speaker 2: response to that woman then tells other women, don't be 303 00:19:56,640 --> 00:20:02,840 Speaker 2: like that, or if you're like this, this is the 304 00:20:02,840 --> 00:20:04,800 Speaker 2: treatment you're going to receive. And if you don't want 305 00:20:04,800 --> 00:20:08,359 Speaker 2: that treatment, don't do don't be like that, which I 306 00:20:08,480 --> 00:20:15,919 Speaker 2: think then leads into this message of don't be too much. Right, so, 307 00:20:16,720 --> 00:20:22,280 Speaker 2: don't be too assertive. And then, particularly for us as 308 00:20:22,359 --> 00:20:29,640 Speaker 2: black women, when we are assertive, we get labeled as 309 00:20:29,680 --> 00:20:38,840 Speaker 2: intimidating or the angry black woman, right or people you know, 310 00:20:38,960 --> 00:20:43,560 Speaker 2: people can't get along with us. And I also want 311 00:20:43,560 --> 00:20:48,000 Speaker 2: to be clear that that that there's a level of 312 00:20:48,080 --> 00:20:52,680 Speaker 2: colorism that plays into that as well, that this is 313 00:20:53,000 --> 00:20:58,240 Speaker 2: more likely to happen for our more mellanated black women. 314 00:20:59,320 --> 00:21:01,160 Speaker 1: M that. 315 00:21:03,160 --> 00:21:07,960 Speaker 2: Don't be too much. Don't you open your mouth and 316 00:21:08,000 --> 00:21:12,240 Speaker 2: say you don't like something, and you're being too assertive. 317 00:21:13,320 --> 00:21:17,479 Speaker 2: If your tone is anything not laced with sugar and honey, 318 00:21:19,119 --> 00:21:24,119 Speaker 2: you're intimidating or you're aggressive. If you say anything but 319 00:21:24,320 --> 00:21:30,439 Speaker 2: please and thank you, then you're not considered polite. And 320 00:21:30,480 --> 00:21:33,479 Speaker 2: so the other message is to always be polite. And 321 00:21:33,520 --> 00:21:40,399 Speaker 2: I particularly think it's heavier, more heavily concentrated in the South. 322 00:21:41,480 --> 00:21:44,200 Speaker 2: You know that the quote unquote Southern bell, and that's 323 00:21:44,200 --> 00:21:47,240 Speaker 2: the whole thing to dive into of the origins of 324 00:21:47,280 --> 00:21:51,440 Speaker 2: that name and what comes with that, right, But part 325 00:21:51,440 --> 00:21:55,000 Speaker 2: of it is to always be polite, even if it 326 00:21:55,160 --> 00:22:03,240 Speaker 2: means keeping yourself in uncomfortable or unhealthy situations. 327 00:22:04,760 --> 00:22:07,680 Speaker 1: Yeah, those are so Those are so good, Domina, every 328 00:22:07,680 --> 00:22:10,400 Speaker 1: single one. And like I can see how I remember 329 00:22:10,640 --> 00:22:13,400 Speaker 1: being taught that and showing up in that way and 330 00:22:13,440 --> 00:22:15,400 Speaker 1: like trying to be the good girl, right, which we've 331 00:22:15,400 --> 00:22:17,560 Speaker 1: done an episode about the good girl. And I think 332 00:22:17,600 --> 00:22:21,280 Speaker 1: that all of these it at one point, maybe this 333 00:22:21,359 --> 00:22:23,320 Speaker 1: did keep us safe, right, because I think that, you know, 334 00:22:23,320 --> 00:22:25,399 Speaker 1: based on our history, I'm sure that these kept us 335 00:22:25,400 --> 00:22:26,960 Speaker 1: safe at one point. But I think that it's time 336 00:22:26,960 --> 00:22:29,080 Speaker 1: for us to there's a paradigm shift. It's time for 337 00:22:29,160 --> 00:22:31,080 Speaker 1: us to really re evaluate and see us dis serving 338 00:22:31,160 --> 00:22:33,719 Speaker 1: us anymore, because I think that if we're trying to 339 00:22:33,800 --> 00:22:38,159 Speaker 1: fit into these cultural conditioning norms, it robs us of 340 00:22:38,200 --> 00:22:40,680 Speaker 1: a chance to listen to our intuition and our discernment. 341 00:22:40,760 --> 00:22:42,960 Speaker 1: I think about if we were to think about these 342 00:22:43,000 --> 00:22:47,680 Speaker 1: three conditioning statements, I guess that you could call them 343 00:22:47,680 --> 00:22:51,280 Speaker 1: that we've been told or messages that we've been taught. 344 00:22:52,280 --> 00:22:54,000 Speaker 1: If we try to do that in life, and let's 345 00:22:54,000 --> 00:22:56,320 Speaker 1: say you're in an uber and you get a weird vibe, right, 346 00:22:56,359 --> 00:22:58,840 Speaker 1: and you're like, oh, I feel that, cancel or hop out. 347 00:22:59,320 --> 00:23:02,959 Speaker 1: If we're trying to to fit within this societal expectation, 348 00:23:03,640 --> 00:23:06,520 Speaker 1: that robs us off a chance to act quickly and 349 00:23:06,600 --> 00:23:09,439 Speaker 1: do something that's out of the ordinary that does not 350 00:23:09,520 --> 00:23:12,360 Speaker 1: align with what we've been taught. And so, yeah, it's 351 00:23:12,400 --> 00:23:14,679 Speaker 1: really important for us to really reconsider these ladies and 352 00:23:14,680 --> 00:23:16,680 Speaker 1: how does this service in our life right now? 353 00:23:18,440 --> 00:23:22,119 Speaker 2: So important? But I think the problem with that is 354 00:23:22,160 --> 00:23:25,720 Speaker 2: that while we are told to be all of these things, right, 355 00:23:25,760 --> 00:23:32,119 Speaker 2: we're socialized and conditioned to be all of these things. Yeah, 356 00:23:32,440 --> 00:23:37,719 Speaker 2: we are often left feeling so confused, which then again 357 00:23:38,359 --> 00:23:45,000 Speaker 2: further makes discernment difficult because we receive mixed messaging. 358 00:23:45,680 --> 00:23:46,360 Speaker 1: Yeah. 359 00:23:46,400 --> 00:23:49,200 Speaker 2: So while we're conditioned to be polite, to be nice 360 00:23:49,200 --> 00:23:54,520 Speaker 2: and accommodating, and to don't be too much, we are 361 00:23:54,640 --> 00:24:03,240 Speaker 2: also given told things like put others first, be independent, 362 00:24:04,359 --> 00:24:10,560 Speaker 2: but not too independent. Yeah, trust your instincts, but don't 363 00:24:10,680 --> 00:24:14,920 Speaker 2: rock the boat. I'm confused. I don't know what you're 364 00:24:14,920 --> 00:24:21,080 Speaker 2: telling me to do, like be independent, but not too independent? Well, 365 00:24:21,080 --> 00:24:24,640 Speaker 2: what does that really mean? So I need to be 366 00:24:24,760 --> 00:24:34,560 Speaker 2: self sufficient yet approachable enough so that in a romantic sense, 367 00:24:35,280 --> 00:24:38,840 Speaker 2: a man feels like he can come in and he 368 00:24:38,880 --> 00:24:43,320 Speaker 2: can be the leader or the boss. Right, we need 369 00:24:43,359 --> 00:24:48,320 Speaker 2: to unpack that because that is not the words in 370 00:24:48,400 --> 00:24:53,200 Speaker 2: which is being said, does not match with the reality. 371 00:24:52,920 --> 00:24:56,800 Speaker 1: Right exactly, And it kind of takes us to how 372 00:24:56,840 --> 00:25:01,440 Speaker 1: this impacts our behavior. Right, So we have the the conditioning, 373 00:25:01,920 --> 00:25:04,200 Speaker 1: we have the mixed messages we receive, and then how 374 00:25:04,200 --> 00:25:06,240 Speaker 1: does this manifest? How does this look in action? Right? 375 00:25:06,320 --> 00:25:10,040 Speaker 1: So it can lead to over explaining decisions, right, And 376 00:25:10,080 --> 00:25:12,440 Speaker 1: I know I done did this. I'm still working probably 377 00:25:12,720 --> 00:25:14,440 Speaker 1: not all this, lady, So know that you were in 378 00:25:14,520 --> 00:25:16,439 Speaker 1: good company, okay, because it takes a long time to 379 00:25:16,840 --> 00:25:19,520 Speaker 1: reprogram our minds when we've been taught this since we 380 00:25:19,520 --> 00:25:21,159 Speaker 1: were little girls. Many of us have heard when we 381 00:25:21,160 --> 00:25:23,560 Speaker 1: were younger. Right, be a good girl. And I try 382 00:25:23,560 --> 00:25:25,199 Speaker 1: to work with my daughter on this too. Right, be 383 00:25:25,280 --> 00:25:27,840 Speaker 1: a good girl, be a good you know, be kind, 384 00:25:27,920 --> 00:25:30,639 Speaker 1: be nice, be nice. That's the other thing. Right, So 385 00:25:31,000 --> 00:25:34,440 Speaker 1: over explaining decisions, so, fear of judgment or conflict can 386 00:25:34,520 --> 00:25:39,000 Speaker 1: lead us to justify even minor choices excessively, right, So 387 00:25:39,040 --> 00:25:41,520 Speaker 1: think about situations where you may have done that. The 388 00:25:41,560 --> 00:25:44,119 Speaker 1: other is ignoring red flags, which we talked about earlier. 389 00:25:44,200 --> 00:25:48,320 Speaker 1: So to avoid discomfort or seeming difficult, women may overlook 390 00:25:48,359 --> 00:25:51,520 Speaker 1: clear signs of manipulation or disrespect. I know a big 391 00:25:51,560 --> 00:25:54,800 Speaker 1: one for me because it was so important to respect 392 00:25:55,000 --> 00:25:57,800 Speaker 1: elders in my family when I got into the working 393 00:25:57,880 --> 00:25:59,760 Speaker 1: for When I got into the work world and I 394 00:25:59,840 --> 00:26:02,919 Speaker 1: was often one of the younger colleagues out of the 395 00:26:02,920 --> 00:26:05,399 Speaker 1: group that I work with, I would often sort of 396 00:26:05,480 --> 00:26:07,199 Speaker 1: I would not speak up when I was working with 397 00:26:07,280 --> 00:26:09,639 Speaker 1: older people that were older than me, even if we 398 00:26:09,640 --> 00:26:11,719 Speaker 1: were on the same team and we were peers, I 399 00:26:11,800 --> 00:26:13,919 Speaker 1: just wouldn't speak up, and I would just kind of 400 00:26:13,920 --> 00:26:16,600 Speaker 1: take this childlike posture. But no, we're in the working 401 00:26:16,640 --> 00:26:19,040 Speaker 1: world and we should be talking to them as colleagues. 402 00:26:19,080 --> 00:26:22,920 Speaker 1: And so now I have a lot more confidence approaching 403 00:26:22,960 --> 00:26:26,600 Speaker 1: someone who's older than me, whether it's feedback or something 404 00:26:26,640 --> 00:26:30,199 Speaker 1: that might be a bit constructive, right, whereas before I 405 00:26:30,320 --> 00:26:32,120 Speaker 1: was just kind of like, oh, I'm going to see 406 00:26:32,119 --> 00:26:36,800 Speaker 1: them like they're my grandparent or older uncle or aunt. 407 00:26:36,880 --> 00:26:39,240 Speaker 1: When that's not suitable for us, and it doesn't serve us. 408 00:26:39,480 --> 00:26:44,880 Speaker 1: The other one is second guessing instincts. Right, years of conditioning. Right, 409 00:26:44,960 --> 00:26:47,439 Speaker 1: it can cause us to doubt our own intuition and 410 00:26:47,480 --> 00:26:51,159 Speaker 1: make us more vulnerable to toxic dynamics. Right, Oh, what 411 00:26:51,200 --> 00:26:54,240 Speaker 1: will this person think if I do that? Or oh 412 00:26:54,480 --> 00:26:57,639 Speaker 1: if I see this person that feels sketchy walking up 413 00:26:57,680 --> 00:27:00,159 Speaker 1: behind me on the street, I don't want I'm not 414 00:27:00,240 --> 00:27:01,920 Speaker 1: run across the street because I might look silly to 415 00:27:01,960 --> 00:27:04,480 Speaker 1: other people. It's about your safety. So we need to 416 00:27:04,520 --> 00:27:08,080 Speaker 1: get out of the habit of, you know, being letting 417 00:27:08,160 --> 00:27:11,560 Speaker 1: these conditionings impact us in this way and figure out 418 00:27:11,560 --> 00:27:13,600 Speaker 1: a new behavior that we can use moving forward. 419 00:27:14,760 --> 00:27:17,000 Speaker 2: And you know, when I think about this, I think about, 420 00:27:17,040 --> 00:27:19,840 Speaker 2: like with the how it impacts our behavior. I think 421 00:27:19,880 --> 00:27:24,840 Speaker 2: about not not only dating, but how you mentioned in 422 00:27:24,840 --> 00:27:30,760 Speaker 2: the work world, right, that there are times when you 423 00:27:30,840 --> 00:27:35,639 Speaker 2: are in you're in a situation and the group is 424 00:27:35,680 --> 00:27:40,159 Speaker 2: being asked to make a decision and your instincts are like, 425 00:27:41,480 --> 00:27:44,640 Speaker 2: this ain't right, this is not going to go overwhelm 426 00:27:45,800 --> 00:27:50,480 Speaker 2: And but because of how we've been conditioned, again, particularly 427 00:27:51,200 --> 00:27:56,320 Speaker 2: as black women, that if we speak up in that 428 00:27:56,520 --> 00:28:02,600 Speaker 2: moment and we're offering a dissenting opinion, what does that 429 00:28:02,760 --> 00:28:07,720 Speaker 2: mean what is our real positionality in that space? Because 430 00:28:07,800 --> 00:28:14,159 Speaker 2: what will happen if we do end up offering that 431 00:28:14,240 --> 00:28:17,920 Speaker 2: dissensing opinion? What does that mean for our career? Right? 432 00:28:19,040 --> 00:28:23,479 Speaker 2: And so then oftentimes, because we might find ourselves in 433 00:28:23,640 --> 00:28:28,919 Speaker 2: vulnerable positions in the workplace, it leads to us second 434 00:28:28,960 --> 00:28:32,679 Speaker 2: guessing what we know to be true, and we go 435 00:28:32,760 --> 00:28:37,320 Speaker 2: along with what the team says, and then shit hits 436 00:28:37,320 --> 00:28:41,240 Speaker 2: the fan and we're like, oh, oh, maybe I should 437 00:28:41,280 --> 00:28:43,680 Speaker 2: have What would have happened if I had spoken up? 438 00:28:43,960 --> 00:28:45,120 Speaker 2: Because I saw this coming? 439 00:28:45,880 --> 00:28:49,120 Speaker 1: Yeah, it's Spot on Girls, Spot one. So lady, we 440 00:28:49,160 --> 00:28:52,920 Speaker 1: talked a bit about the societal expectations, right, and the 441 00:28:52,920 --> 00:28:55,480 Speaker 1: messages that we get and how it impacts us. So 442 00:28:55,600 --> 00:28:58,160 Speaker 1: now we really want to put the ball in your 443 00:28:58,240 --> 00:29:01,040 Speaker 1: court in our court, right, the ball in our court. 444 00:29:01,080 --> 00:29:04,320 Speaker 1: And so it really all boils down to us. It 445 00:29:04,360 --> 00:29:06,600 Speaker 1: begins with us, and so it's really important for us 446 00:29:06,640 --> 00:29:09,040 Speaker 1: to understand how we are wired in the first place. 447 00:29:09,520 --> 00:29:11,440 Speaker 1: And I love that we're touching on this because dom 448 00:29:11,520 --> 00:29:13,440 Speaker 1: I know when I was in the season of life, 449 00:29:13,480 --> 00:29:15,440 Speaker 1: literally when I was in grad school years ago, which 450 00:29:15,440 --> 00:29:17,600 Speaker 1: I talked about on the podcast, I had just gotten 451 00:29:17,640 --> 00:29:20,000 Speaker 1: out of a toxic relationship, and it was the first 452 00:29:20,000 --> 00:29:21,720 Speaker 1: time in life where I was facing myself and I 453 00:29:21,760 --> 00:29:24,479 Speaker 1: called it like the phase of me dating myself. What 454 00:29:24,520 --> 00:29:26,960 Speaker 1: I did during that phase was I began to get 455 00:29:27,000 --> 00:29:28,800 Speaker 1: super clear on who am I because I felt like 456 00:29:28,840 --> 00:29:30,800 Speaker 1: I was living for other people. I felt like I 457 00:29:30,880 --> 00:29:33,560 Speaker 1: didn't even know, like what do I actually like? Like 458 00:29:33,560 --> 00:29:36,040 Speaker 1: what kind of you know, foods do I like? What 459 00:29:36,080 --> 00:29:37,760 Speaker 1: do I like to do for fun? By myself because 460 00:29:37,800 --> 00:29:40,400 Speaker 1: I was so accustomed to sort of being a chameleon 461 00:29:40,480 --> 00:29:43,240 Speaker 1: and shifting myself based on who I was around, because 462 00:29:43,280 --> 00:29:46,360 Speaker 1: that served me an abusive household. So I did a 463 00:29:46,400 --> 00:29:49,120 Speaker 1: lot of personality tests and I got to know myself 464 00:29:49,200 --> 00:29:51,600 Speaker 1: really clear, like who am I outside of all the 465 00:29:51,640 --> 00:29:53,440 Speaker 1: other things? So, lady, this is really important for us 466 00:29:53,480 --> 00:29:56,640 Speaker 1: to understand, like who are you outside of the other 467 00:29:56,760 --> 00:29:59,160 Speaker 1: roles that you have in life? And a couple of 468 00:29:59,200 --> 00:30:01,600 Speaker 1: ways that you can understand this one will be a 469 00:30:01,640 --> 00:30:04,200 Speaker 1: personality test. I'm a big fan of the Meyers Briggs 470 00:30:04,240 --> 00:30:07,000 Speaker 1: type indicator. I took that when I was younger, And 471 00:30:07,120 --> 00:30:09,640 Speaker 1: the cool thing about these personality tests is that when 472 00:30:09,680 --> 00:30:11,920 Speaker 1: you take them, it can really give you some insight 473 00:30:11,960 --> 00:30:15,480 Speaker 1: into your strengths. Potential blind spots. I even learned about 474 00:30:15,520 --> 00:30:18,400 Speaker 1: different career paths that might be suitable for me based 475 00:30:18,440 --> 00:30:20,920 Speaker 1: on the personality type and the description, and it gave 476 00:30:20,960 --> 00:30:23,720 Speaker 1: me so much more insight in language on who I 477 00:30:23,760 --> 00:30:26,360 Speaker 1: am as a person and describe things about myself that 478 00:30:26,440 --> 00:30:28,880 Speaker 1: I did not know how to communicate. For instance, I 479 00:30:28,880 --> 00:30:31,560 Speaker 1: am an extroverted introvert, I meaning that I get my 480 00:30:31,720 --> 00:30:34,720 Speaker 1: energy from being in solitude and being alone. And I 481 00:30:34,800 --> 00:30:36,440 Speaker 1: used to think that I was just I mean, I 482 00:30:36,560 --> 00:30:38,360 Speaker 1: used to think I was just very strange and weird. 483 00:30:38,360 --> 00:30:39,959 Speaker 1: I didn't have language for it back then, So I 484 00:30:40,000 --> 00:30:42,040 Speaker 1: was like, I like being by myself and I get 485 00:30:42,120 --> 00:30:44,960 Speaker 1: really overwhelmed in social situations. And so because I took 486 00:30:45,000 --> 00:30:47,800 Speaker 1: that test, it gave me language and it allowed me 487 00:30:47,840 --> 00:30:50,800 Speaker 1: to communicate what I need from those around me as well. 488 00:30:50,840 --> 00:30:52,640 Speaker 1: So that's one thing that you can do, is take 489 00:30:52,640 --> 00:30:54,120 Speaker 1: a personality test. 490 00:30:54,320 --> 00:30:57,840 Speaker 2: So what I will toss sin is that you want 491 00:30:57,840 --> 00:31:00,560 Speaker 2: to also be mindful of the personality test that you take, 492 00:31:01,320 --> 00:31:07,960 Speaker 2: because I think so, because again this episode is about discernment, 493 00:31:08,000 --> 00:31:13,120 Speaker 2: and so using your discernment in these as you're taking 494 00:31:13,160 --> 00:31:19,800 Speaker 2: these assessments, and if you were unsure, seek and seek 495 00:31:19,840 --> 00:31:24,360 Speaker 2: out the assistance of an expert so that you can 496 00:31:24,400 --> 00:31:29,760 Speaker 2: get be clear on what this really means. And also 497 00:31:29,880 --> 00:31:34,480 Speaker 2: when you're taking these personality assessments, so one be clear 498 00:31:34,520 --> 00:31:39,840 Speaker 2: that these are different than what you would take to diagnose, 499 00:31:39,920 --> 00:31:42,960 Speaker 2: like a personality disorder, right if you're receiving a full 500 00:31:43,000 --> 00:31:47,840 Speaker 2: psychological evaluation, those are different things. These that you're finding 501 00:31:47,920 --> 00:31:55,600 Speaker 2: online are generalized, and so one, make sure you answer 502 00:31:55,640 --> 00:32:00,000 Speaker 2: the questions honestly because I think oftentimes what can happen 503 00:32:00,000 --> 00:32:03,000 Speaker 2: and as people answer it with what they think that 504 00:32:03,880 --> 00:32:07,440 Speaker 2: you're supposed to say and not what you truly are. 505 00:32:07,520 --> 00:32:12,160 Speaker 2: So if you want an accurate interpretation, you have to 506 00:32:12,280 --> 00:32:18,960 Speaker 2: answer it honestly. And then also know that it is 507 00:32:19,160 --> 00:32:23,200 Speaker 2: not going to be one hundred percent zoned in on 508 00:32:23,280 --> 00:32:25,640 Speaker 2: who you are as an individual, because we are all 509 00:32:25,720 --> 00:32:32,440 Speaker 2: unique beings and it needs to these assessments have to 510 00:32:32,480 --> 00:32:37,200 Speaker 2: be generalized on some level to reach the overall arching population. 511 00:32:37,360 --> 00:32:42,000 Speaker 2: So again, one, be honest in how you're answering, and two, 512 00:32:42,040 --> 00:32:45,880 Speaker 2: if you're uncertain, consult an expert. 513 00:32:47,720 --> 00:32:50,200 Speaker 1: I'm glad you sat that down because I did. I 514 00:32:50,200 --> 00:32:52,920 Speaker 1: should have said this. I did work with a career counselor, 515 00:32:53,000 --> 00:32:54,960 Speaker 1: and I had a certified coach that I worked with, 516 00:32:55,200 --> 00:32:57,280 Speaker 1: and so we did I did several tests and I 517 00:32:57,320 --> 00:32:59,920 Speaker 1: was able to sit with myself and see what resonates 518 00:32:59,920 --> 00:33:02,000 Speaker 1: with me use my discernment because some of the things 519 00:33:02,000 --> 00:33:04,080 Speaker 1: were not on points. So I'm glad that you pointed 520 00:33:04,120 --> 00:33:07,040 Speaker 1: that out. I also read strengths Finder Ladies, so that's 521 00:33:07,120 --> 00:33:09,880 Speaker 1: another good book to look at multiple sources and try 522 00:33:09,920 --> 00:33:12,720 Speaker 1: not to just do the super basic ones online if 523 00:33:12,760 --> 00:33:14,240 Speaker 1: you can avoid it, Like if you can do something 524 00:33:14,240 --> 00:33:16,480 Speaker 1: that's a bit more, that has a bit more research 525 00:33:16,640 --> 00:33:18,520 Speaker 1: backed and things like that, it'd be really helpful to 526 00:33:18,520 --> 00:33:22,000 Speaker 1: do that. So strengths Finder, there's also the Berkman and 527 00:33:22,040 --> 00:33:23,960 Speaker 1: then Meyers breaks. Those were like three of the main 528 00:33:24,000 --> 00:33:25,800 Speaker 1: ones that I did, and I did work with someone 529 00:33:26,040 --> 00:33:29,840 Speaker 1: who helped me analyze those results. So that's the first one. Right, again, 530 00:33:29,960 --> 00:33:32,320 Speaker 1: we're using discernment for all listening. If it doesn't resonate, 531 00:33:32,680 --> 00:33:35,640 Speaker 1: pass it along and take what resonates. The second one 532 00:33:35,680 --> 00:33:39,040 Speaker 1: is knowing your core values, like reflecting on your non negotiables. Right, 533 00:33:39,440 --> 00:33:41,000 Speaker 1: what are some of the things that you just want 534 00:33:41,160 --> 00:33:45,480 Speaker 1: in a relationship with friends, family, intimate partners, but also 535 00:33:45,760 --> 00:33:48,040 Speaker 1: what are your standards for your relationship with yourself. I know, 536 00:33:48,080 --> 00:33:50,080 Speaker 1: for me, one of my values is I don't talk 537 00:33:50,080 --> 00:33:52,200 Speaker 1: shit about myself. So when I make mistakes, which I 538 00:33:52,240 --> 00:33:54,920 Speaker 1: do all the time, I have a very kind inner 539 00:33:55,000 --> 00:33:58,760 Speaker 1: voice now that I've trained myself to have where I'm 540 00:33:58,760 --> 00:34:01,200 Speaker 1: not talking shit about me. When other people try that, 541 00:34:01,960 --> 00:34:05,880 Speaker 1: then it it's an alarm goes off and I'm like, 542 00:34:05,880 --> 00:34:07,480 Speaker 1: hold up, is I don't talk to myself like that, 543 00:34:07,600 --> 00:34:09,759 Speaker 1: so hold up? So I used to have a very 544 00:34:09,800 --> 00:34:12,240 Speaker 1: negative self talk, but now one of my core values 545 00:34:12,600 --> 00:34:14,400 Speaker 1: is to speak highly of myself. So think about what 546 00:34:14,440 --> 00:34:17,359 Speaker 1: are your core values and understand what your non negotiables are, 547 00:34:17,760 --> 00:34:20,680 Speaker 1: and understand what you're seeking your relationships. Right because knowing 548 00:34:20,680 --> 00:34:24,200 Speaker 1: these values it helps you to be to easily identify 549 00:34:24,239 --> 00:34:25,839 Speaker 1: when someone is not a good fit for you. 550 00:34:27,000 --> 00:34:29,560 Speaker 2: I would agree, I would agree with that, And I 551 00:34:29,600 --> 00:34:32,840 Speaker 2: think the thing too to remember about your non negotiables. 552 00:34:34,640 --> 00:34:38,800 Speaker 2: Your your non negotiables are usually going to be something 553 00:34:38,840 --> 00:34:41,560 Speaker 2: that's it's not going to be a long list, right, 554 00:34:43,120 --> 00:34:47,240 Speaker 2: Your non negotiables are truly the things that if this happens, 555 00:34:47,840 --> 00:34:51,840 Speaker 2: you are automatically out the door. There's no questions asked. 556 00:34:52,000 --> 00:34:55,040 Speaker 2: We're not trying to we're not trying to work through this. 557 00:34:56,080 --> 00:35:01,960 Speaker 2: We are done and in recognizing that your non negotiables 558 00:35:02,880 --> 00:35:08,600 Speaker 2: will be different or can be different in a romantic 559 00:35:08,680 --> 00:35:17,480 Speaker 2: relationship versus friends and family, versus a job and so, 560 00:35:18,200 --> 00:35:23,440 Speaker 2: but your non negotiables really are rooted in your core values. 561 00:35:23,480 --> 00:35:26,080 Speaker 2: That's where it starts. So it really you really have 562 00:35:26,200 --> 00:35:32,400 Speaker 2: to tap into and reflect on what are your core values? 563 00:35:33,840 --> 00:35:38,000 Speaker 1: Yes, yes, and yes, and lady, I can't emphasize this more, 564 00:35:38,080 --> 00:35:40,719 Speaker 1: but as you're we're having this conversation, you should be 565 00:35:40,760 --> 00:35:44,520 Speaker 1: customizing your own sort of I want to say, engagement 566 00:35:44,560 --> 00:35:46,400 Speaker 1: plan based on who you are and where you are 567 00:35:46,400 --> 00:35:47,920 Speaker 1: in your life. Because next what we want you to 568 00:35:47,920 --> 00:35:49,759 Speaker 1: do when it comes to like taking a look at 569 00:35:49,800 --> 00:35:53,040 Speaker 1: yourself is review your or reflect on your attachment style. 570 00:35:53,480 --> 00:35:55,520 Speaker 1: And so when I think about where I was after 571 00:35:55,600 --> 00:35:57,799 Speaker 1: having and I keep emphasizing this, y'all, because a twelve 572 00:35:57,880 --> 00:36:00,759 Speaker 1: year relationship is a long ass time, right, There's like 573 00:36:01,040 --> 00:36:02,960 Speaker 1: I grew up in my relationship. I was twenty one 574 00:36:02,960 --> 00:36:06,359 Speaker 1: when I got my relationship and now at thirty thirty four, 575 00:36:06,560 --> 00:36:09,200 Speaker 1: So thirty three thirty four was when I separated, and 576 00:36:09,239 --> 00:36:11,880 Speaker 1: now being thirty five, I'm like, oh damn, there was 577 00:36:11,960 --> 00:36:14,719 Speaker 1: so much that I sort of I just I was 578 00:36:14,760 --> 00:36:16,239 Speaker 1: programmed in a certain way, right, And there was so 579 00:36:16,320 --> 00:36:17,920 Speaker 1: much I was accustomed to. So there's a lot of 580 00:36:17,960 --> 00:36:20,960 Speaker 1: relearning I have to do now. So out of the relationship, 581 00:36:21,000 --> 00:36:23,480 Speaker 1: when I was reflecting on my attachment style, I had 582 00:36:23,480 --> 00:36:26,400 Speaker 1: to have an honest conversation with myself and realize that 583 00:36:26,440 --> 00:36:29,640 Speaker 1: in many ways I was codependent. Right. I also had 584 00:36:29,640 --> 00:36:32,480 Speaker 1: some anxious attachment. And so when you're coming out of 585 00:36:32,480 --> 00:36:35,720 Speaker 1: a relationship and you know this about yourself, that makes 586 00:36:35,800 --> 00:36:37,799 Speaker 1: more sense when you think about the shit I was 587 00:36:37,840 --> 00:36:40,719 Speaker 1: tolerating because a lot of times if you're if you 588 00:36:40,760 --> 00:36:43,720 Speaker 1: have anxious attachment, you might be more likely to overlook 589 00:36:43,760 --> 00:36:46,680 Speaker 1: red flags in pursuit of love and validation, right. And 590 00:36:46,719 --> 00:36:49,040 Speaker 1: so I was clearly looking for something when I initially 591 00:36:49,040 --> 00:36:51,480 Speaker 1: got separated and I was in these relationships, so I 592 00:36:51,480 --> 00:36:53,399 Speaker 1: was like, how am I attracting this type of person? Right? 593 00:36:53,560 --> 00:36:56,080 Speaker 1: So when we understand where we are, who we are, 594 00:36:56,160 --> 00:36:58,399 Speaker 1: and how we're showing up, it allows us to better 595 00:36:58,480 --> 00:37:01,440 Speaker 1: understand how we can protect ourselves. Because I know that 596 00:37:01,920 --> 00:37:05,040 Speaker 1: I come into situations with their pure heart, with good intentions, 597 00:37:05,560 --> 00:37:09,440 Speaker 1: and I'm you know, assuming that other people do as well. 598 00:37:09,480 --> 00:37:11,120 Speaker 1: I know that I give people the benefit of the 599 00:37:11,160 --> 00:37:14,640 Speaker 1: doubt before they earn my trust. So now, because of 600 00:37:14,719 --> 00:37:16,960 Speaker 1: the content I've been consuming and how I'm building out 601 00:37:17,000 --> 00:37:19,839 Speaker 1: my engagement plan, I'm going to be vetting people a 602 00:37:19,880 --> 00:37:22,719 Speaker 1: lot more. I'm going to have certain tests that I 603 00:37:22,760 --> 00:37:25,200 Speaker 1: didn't have before that people had to pass in order 604 00:37:25,200 --> 00:37:28,760 Speaker 1: to get into my life. Because once we know someone 605 00:37:28,760 --> 00:37:30,799 Speaker 1: and we like them, it's easier for us to trust them, right, 606 00:37:30,800 --> 00:37:32,480 Speaker 1: And we want to make sure that we're setting ourselves 607 00:37:32,880 --> 00:37:36,800 Speaker 1: up for success. So understand whether you're anxious, avoidant, or 608 00:37:36,840 --> 00:37:40,040 Speaker 1: secure attachment style, because that'll show you what to kind 609 00:37:40,080 --> 00:37:42,360 Speaker 1: of look for when you are engaging with new people. 610 00:37:43,239 --> 00:37:46,600 Speaker 2: And what I would add to that is that also 611 00:37:47,840 --> 00:37:51,600 Speaker 2: within the attachment styles, there are those are the three 612 00:37:52,040 --> 00:37:57,480 Speaker 2: most commonly referred to ones, but that there are others, right, 613 00:37:58,040 --> 00:38:05,239 Speaker 2: And so there are are attachments, So there's disorganized attachment, 614 00:38:07,000 --> 00:38:13,240 Speaker 2: and there's ambivalent resistant attachment. And those attachment styles often 615 00:38:13,400 --> 00:38:21,000 Speaker 2: come from experiences of child's abuse and neglects, and so 616 00:38:22,960 --> 00:38:26,960 Speaker 2: knowing what your childhood so one reflecting on what your 617 00:38:27,000 --> 00:38:31,680 Speaker 2: childhood experiences were that led to this particular what particular 618 00:38:31,680 --> 00:38:38,399 Speaker 2: attachment style you have, and then look at what your 619 00:38:38,480 --> 00:38:44,600 Speaker 2: attachment style is now in adulthood because for some of 620 00:38:44,719 --> 00:38:49,319 Speaker 2: us that may have shifted, like what you started out 621 00:38:49,400 --> 00:38:54,239 Speaker 2: as as as an infant, like how you initially attached 622 00:38:54,480 --> 00:38:58,760 Speaker 2: to your first caregiver. There may have been other things 623 00:38:58,800 --> 00:39:01,799 Speaker 2: that happen over the course of your life that have 624 00:39:02,040 --> 00:39:08,480 Speaker 2: shifted your current attachment style, and so taking time to 625 00:39:08,600 --> 00:39:13,760 Speaker 2: truly reflect on that right like and really assessing where 626 00:39:13,800 --> 00:39:17,760 Speaker 2: you are now, because that's what's going to be important, 627 00:39:17,800 --> 00:39:20,799 Speaker 2: Like how what is your current attachment style, because that 628 00:39:21,000 --> 00:39:25,440 Speaker 2: is what dictates how you show up currently, like in 629 00:39:25,480 --> 00:39:28,840 Speaker 2: your presence engagements with people. 630 00:39:29,719 --> 00:39:31,960 Speaker 1: That is so powerful. It's like doing a little historical 631 00:39:32,040 --> 00:39:34,440 Speaker 1: timeline of yourself, lady, which is super important. So I 632 00:39:34,520 --> 00:39:36,640 Speaker 1: love that you pointed that out, Dom And then Lady, 633 00:39:36,719 --> 00:39:38,640 Speaker 1: take out your journal for this one, because next what 634 00:39:38,680 --> 00:39:41,920 Speaker 1: we want to cover is just reflecting on past relationships, 635 00:39:41,920 --> 00:39:45,120 Speaker 1: like understanding your patterns. More so, identify your patterns. What 636 00:39:45,160 --> 00:39:48,280 Speaker 1: patterns have you noticed in past relationships, both intimate and platonic. 637 00:39:48,600 --> 00:39:50,720 Speaker 1: Do you tend to attract the same types of people? 638 00:39:51,120 --> 00:39:54,240 Speaker 1: Are you constantly giving more than you're receiving or vice versa. 639 00:39:54,600 --> 00:39:57,440 Speaker 1: Are you recognizing these or recognizing these patterns can really 640 00:39:57,480 --> 00:40:00,200 Speaker 1: help you to be intentional right with your connections moving forward, 641 00:40:00,360 --> 00:40:03,320 Speaker 1: and so think about that. Also, think about what draws 642 00:40:03,360 --> 00:40:06,480 Speaker 1: you to certain people as well, just analyzing like, am 643 00:40:06,520 --> 00:40:10,719 Speaker 1: I repeatedly drawn to people who are charming but unreliable, right, 644 00:40:10,800 --> 00:40:13,799 Speaker 1: or perhaps overly controlling? I went through a phase where 645 00:40:13,840 --> 00:40:16,480 Speaker 1: it was overly controlling people. And so all of this 646 00:40:16,520 --> 00:40:19,319 Speaker 1: can teach us about ourselves and protect us as we're 647 00:40:19,360 --> 00:40:21,960 Speaker 1: moving forward in new connections. And then of course learning 648 00:40:21,960 --> 00:40:24,680 Speaker 1: from past mistakes. Right, So think about situations where you 649 00:40:24,719 --> 00:40:27,280 Speaker 1: may have ignored a gut feeling or overlooked a red flag. 650 00:40:27,520 --> 00:40:31,719 Speaker 1: What were the consequences? Right, So analyzing these experiences where 651 00:40:31,760 --> 00:40:33,560 Speaker 1: you may have failed to listen to your intuition, it 652 00:40:33,560 --> 00:40:36,600 Speaker 1: can help us better identify and trust our instincts in 653 00:40:36,640 --> 00:40:38,839 Speaker 1: the future. Now, Lady, I do want to say that 654 00:40:38,880 --> 00:40:40,799 Speaker 1: this is going to be a part two conversation. Okay, 655 00:40:40,840 --> 00:40:43,040 Speaker 1: so we've covered a lot so far. We're going to 656 00:40:43,080 --> 00:40:45,040 Speaker 1: move into a couple more topics, and then we're going 657 00:40:45,080 --> 00:40:48,480 Speaker 1: to dive into the part two of this conversation because 658 00:40:48,520 --> 00:40:50,360 Speaker 1: it's going to be a long one. Anything else to 659 00:40:50,400 --> 00:40:51,120 Speaker 1: add here. 660 00:40:51,000 --> 00:40:54,839 Speaker 2: Dom, Yeah, what I would also add is that as 661 00:40:54,880 --> 00:40:59,080 Speaker 2: you are reflecting on past relationships, going back to what 662 00:40:59,200 --> 00:41:03,320 Speaker 2: we talked about in terms of discernment in the quote 663 00:41:03,320 --> 00:41:07,280 Speaker 2: of the day, and understanding, really looking at what really 664 00:41:07,360 --> 00:41:12,640 Speaker 2: happened versus what we want to think or we feel 665 00:41:12,640 --> 00:41:18,200 Speaker 2: good about saying actually happened. And so sometimes it's helpful 666 00:41:18,280 --> 00:41:22,040 Speaker 2: as we are reflecting on past relationships to tap into 667 00:41:22,080 --> 00:41:27,880 Speaker 2: our community. So I ask the people that are closest 668 00:41:27,960 --> 00:41:35,239 Speaker 2: to you, what do you remember observing about this about me, 669 00:41:35,640 --> 00:41:39,680 Speaker 2: particularly if you're coming out of a romantic relationship, or 670 00:41:39,719 --> 00:41:43,399 Speaker 2: if you're leaving a professional experience, a job experience. Right, 671 00:41:44,840 --> 00:41:48,359 Speaker 2: how do you remember me showing up when I was 672 00:41:48,640 --> 00:41:53,920 Speaker 2: in that space? Right? Like? Are there things that you 673 00:41:54,080 --> 00:41:57,000 Speaker 2: noticed that changed in me when I was with this 674 00:41:57,080 --> 00:42:02,280 Speaker 2: person or I was at this job. Because oftentimes, again, 675 00:42:02,400 --> 00:42:05,600 Speaker 2: we may see ourselves in one way. We may see 676 00:42:05,800 --> 00:42:09,440 Speaker 2: that this is how things were going, when the people 677 00:42:09,560 --> 00:42:12,640 Speaker 2: close to us, who love us, who truly care about us, 678 00:42:13,360 --> 00:42:17,640 Speaker 2: may see something slightly different. That is so good, Don 679 00:42:19,120 --> 00:42:22,120 Speaker 2: and yeah, and so I think it's important to take 680 00:42:22,160 --> 00:42:29,080 Speaker 2: that in mind, but also to consider reflecting on this 681 00:42:29,120 --> 00:42:33,160 Speaker 2: in therapy. Obviously, I know I'm a big proponent of 682 00:42:33,200 --> 00:42:36,120 Speaker 2: therapy and when I say therapy, like it might not 683 00:42:36,200 --> 00:42:38,560 Speaker 2: necessarily it doesn't have to. I'm also clear that it 684 00:42:38,600 --> 00:42:42,400 Speaker 2: doesn't have to be a licensed therapist. That you're working 685 00:42:42,440 --> 00:42:47,799 Speaker 2: with whatever healer you choose to work with, right like 686 00:42:48,040 --> 00:42:51,640 Speaker 2: bringing as you are doing this work, this inner work, 687 00:42:52,480 --> 00:42:56,520 Speaker 2: tapping into yet reaching out to whoever your healer is, 688 00:42:56,600 --> 00:43:00,520 Speaker 2: and maybe you have a team of healers and bringing 689 00:43:00,560 --> 00:43:03,600 Speaker 2: this to them because they may be able to ask 690 00:43:03,680 --> 00:43:08,600 Speaker 2: you certain questions to help you deeper reflect or pull 691 00:43:08,640 --> 00:43:14,120 Speaker 2: out some themes and patterns that you might be missing 692 00:43:14,239 --> 00:43:16,279 Speaker 2: or haven't quite gotten to yet. 693 00:43:17,160 --> 00:43:19,239 Speaker 1: That is so good down my love that you said that, 694 00:43:19,320 --> 00:43:22,560 Speaker 1: because I was literally in a therapy session and my 695 00:43:22,600 --> 00:43:24,560 Speaker 1: therapist was like, I was talking about this guy in 696 00:43:24,600 --> 00:43:26,800 Speaker 1: a certain situation, and she was like, wait, let's pause 697 00:43:26,840 --> 00:43:28,560 Speaker 1: on this. You've brought this up a couple of times 698 00:43:28,560 --> 00:43:30,480 Speaker 1: about him, and I think I was making an excuse 699 00:43:30,520 --> 00:43:32,200 Speaker 1: and kind of putting it just kind of you know, 700 00:43:32,480 --> 00:43:34,000 Speaker 1: rushing under the rugg And she's like, you brought this 701 00:43:34,080 --> 00:43:36,319 Speaker 1: up a couple of times, Let's dig into this. So yes, 702 00:43:36,400 --> 00:43:39,239 Speaker 1: it's so important to tap into your community, lady, and 703 00:43:39,280 --> 00:43:42,239 Speaker 1: then also assess how past trauma affects your choices. Right, 704 00:43:42,440 --> 00:43:44,920 Speaker 1: So think about the impact of trauma or conditioning. Right, So, 705 00:43:44,920 --> 00:43:49,600 Speaker 1: societal conditioning or unresolved trauma, it can affect your vetting process. 706 00:43:49,840 --> 00:43:53,040 Speaker 1: I had a lot of what is it abandonment issues 707 00:43:53,080 --> 00:43:55,120 Speaker 1: and things that I didn't I think sometimes when you 708 00:43:55,200 --> 00:43:57,600 Speaker 1: become successful and you accomplish all the goals, sometimes you 709 00:43:57,760 --> 00:43:59,840 Speaker 1: kind of it's easy to forget that. Oh wait, I 710 00:44:00,200 --> 00:44:02,279 Speaker 1: still have some remnants of the trauma that's still in 711 00:44:02,320 --> 00:44:04,920 Speaker 1: my life. So just because you're successful or your achieve 712 00:44:05,000 --> 00:44:07,920 Speaker 1: certain things doesn't mean that you are not still impacted 713 00:44:07,920 --> 00:44:11,680 Speaker 1: from that stuff. So, for example, if you've experienced manipulation 714 00:44:11,800 --> 00:44:15,000 Speaker 1: or abandonment in the past, you might unconsciously seek validation 715 00:44:15,120 --> 00:44:19,560 Speaker 1: from people who replicate unhealthy patterns. And so because something 716 00:44:20,200 --> 00:44:23,120 Speaker 1: is familiar to you, you might think, oh, this is right, 717 00:44:23,320 --> 00:44:26,200 Speaker 1: Like this feels good. No, it just feels familiar and 718 00:44:26,200 --> 00:44:29,600 Speaker 1: you're used to that cycle. So really analyze, like, how 719 00:44:29,640 --> 00:44:31,120 Speaker 1: is my trauma impacting me? 720 00:44:31,239 --> 00:44:31,399 Speaker 3: Right? 721 00:44:31,719 --> 00:44:35,239 Speaker 1: Another one is healing and rewriting your story, So acknowledging 722 00:44:35,280 --> 00:44:39,080 Speaker 1: that while past experiences shape us, they don't have to 723 00:44:39,120 --> 00:44:41,640 Speaker 1: define our future. So, yes, this may have happened to me, 724 00:44:41,960 --> 00:44:44,360 Speaker 1: but it does not have to define me. Yes, I 725 00:44:44,400 --> 00:44:46,279 Speaker 1: may have witnessed this, but I do not have to 726 00:44:46,360 --> 00:44:49,719 Speaker 1: relive this or perpetuate this, right, and we don't have 727 00:44:49,800 --> 00:44:53,120 Speaker 1: to continue these generational cycles. And so those are some 728 00:44:53,120 --> 00:44:54,839 Speaker 1: of the things that you should definitely keep in mind 729 00:44:54,880 --> 00:44:58,400 Speaker 1: when it comes to analyzing and assessing yourself. Before we 730 00:44:58,440 --> 00:45:03,240 Speaker 1: dive into recognize manipulative behaviors and then talking about how 731 00:45:03,320 --> 00:45:07,399 Speaker 1: can we build this discernment and stop letting manipulators into 732 00:45:07,440 --> 00:45:08,319 Speaker 1: our lives? 733 00:45:09,080 --> 00:45:12,120 Speaker 2: That was great, and so I think, yes, let's lady, 734 00:45:12,200 --> 00:45:18,479 Speaker 2: we're gonna pause here, and we we want to give 735 00:45:18,600 --> 00:45:23,600 Speaker 2: you a couple a few questions for reflection. But we're 736 00:45:23,640 --> 00:45:28,280 Speaker 2: gonna pause and you can catch us next week for 737 00:45:28,680 --> 00:45:33,399 Speaker 2: the other half part two of this episode, where we 738 00:45:33,440 --> 00:45:37,640 Speaker 2: talk about recognizing the manipulative behaviors and actually give you 739 00:45:37,719 --> 00:45:42,799 Speaker 2: the practical some practical tips on how to refine and 740 00:45:42,920 --> 00:45:46,239 Speaker 2: tap into your discernment muscle. So see, what are what 741 00:45:46,280 --> 00:45:49,120 Speaker 2: are a couple of reflection questions we want to leave 742 00:45:49,160 --> 00:45:49,759 Speaker 2: the folks with. 743 00:45:50,920 --> 00:45:52,920 Speaker 1: Let's see, all right, chall So the first question is 744 00:45:52,960 --> 00:45:56,080 Speaker 1: what patterns have you noticed in your past relationships both 745 00:45:56,120 --> 00:46:00,120 Speaker 1: good and bad? And be honest, girl, Be honest. The 746 00:46:00,120 --> 00:46:02,520 Speaker 1: next one is what qualities do you typically seek out 747 00:46:02,560 --> 00:46:07,080 Speaker 1: in others? And why? Think of a time when you 748 00:46:07,120 --> 00:46:10,359 Speaker 1: ignored a gut feeling, What was the outcome? How did 749 00:46:10,400 --> 00:46:14,360 Speaker 1: you act differently? Okay, let me repeat that question, lady. Okay, 750 00:46:14,400 --> 00:46:16,720 Speaker 1: we're all works in progress. We're going to repeat number three. 751 00:46:16,920 --> 00:46:18,520 Speaker 1: Number three is, think of a time when you ignored 752 00:46:18,520 --> 00:46:21,560 Speaker 1: a gut filling? What was the outcome? How would you 753 00:46:21,600 --> 00:46:24,800 Speaker 1: act differently? Now? And then let's see, we're going to 754 00:46:24,840 --> 00:46:28,160 Speaker 1: go with four questions. How do you think past experiences, 755 00:46:28,160 --> 00:46:32,080 Speaker 1: whether positive or negative, affect the way you trust people today? 756 00:46:32,360 --> 00:46:35,279 Speaker 1: And so for a quick recap, lady, we covered society's 757 00:46:35,320 --> 00:46:39,320 Speaker 1: messages to women and their impact. We talked about cultural conditioning, 758 00:46:39,440 --> 00:46:42,480 Speaker 1: mixed messages and the impact on our behavior. We also 759 00:46:42,480 --> 00:46:45,319 Speaker 1: talked about it all beginning with us right, so understanding 760 00:46:45,600 --> 00:46:49,440 Speaker 1: how are you wired? Reflecting on past relationships, assessing how 761 00:46:49,520 --> 00:46:52,160 Speaker 1: past trauma affects your choices, and then we shared some 762 00:46:52,200 --> 00:46:55,000 Speaker 1: reflection questions. So now we're going to jump into the 763 00:46:55,040 --> 00:46:58,000 Speaker 1: next episode, so we will catch you same time, same 764 00:46:58,080 --> 00:47:00,560 Speaker 1: place next week, lady, So make sure you tap and 765 00:47:00,600 --> 00:47:03,320 Speaker 1: give us some feedback on Instagram at her Space podcast 766 00:47:03,520 --> 00:47:05,160 Speaker 1: and let us know what you think about the episode. 767 00:47:05,239 --> 00:47:10,160 Speaker 1: All right, lady, talk to you soon. Lady. I know 768 00:47:10,239 --> 00:47:13,040 Speaker 1: you got big dreams. I know you got big goals, 769 00:47:13,360 --> 00:47:16,360 Speaker 1: but you know big dreams need a solid plan, and 770 00:47:16,400 --> 00:47:20,360 Speaker 1: I'm here to help. Hey, lady is t here and 771 00:47:20,480 --> 00:47:23,560 Speaker 1: my free goal mapping starter Guide is more than a workbook. 772 00:47:24,080 --> 00:47:27,640 Speaker 1: It's a jumpstart for your dreams, and just ten pages, 773 00:47:27,719 --> 00:47:31,600 Speaker 1: I'll help you define meaningful goals, break them into actionable steps, 774 00:47:31,840 --> 00:47:34,399 Speaker 1: and gain the focus you need to make this your 775 00:47:34,480 --> 00:47:38,440 Speaker 1: best year yet. No matter when you're starting, it's time 776 00:47:38,520 --> 00:47:42,120 Speaker 1: to stop wishing and start doing. Download your free guide 777 00:47:42,160 --> 00:47:45,960 Speaker 1: now at Terry Lomax dot com. That's t E r 778 00:47:46,120 --> 00:47:50,280 Speaker 1: R I l O m a x dot com. Because 779 00:47:50,320 --> 00:47:53,839 Speaker 1: your goals deserve more than wishful thinking. You got this. 780 00:47:53,800 --> 00:48:01,080 Speaker 2: Girl, Thanks for tuning into cultivating her space. Remember that 781 00:48:01,160 --> 00:48:05,480 Speaker 2: while this podcast is all about healing, empowerment, and resilience, 782 00:48:06,000 --> 00:48:10,080 Speaker 2: it's not a substitute for therapy. If you are someone 783 00:48:10,120 --> 00:48:14,000 Speaker 2: you know need support, check out resources like Therapy for 784 00:48:14,080 --> 00:48:18,640 Speaker 2: Black Girls or Psychology Today. If you love today's episode, 785 00:48:18,960 --> 00:48:20,919 Speaker 2: do us a favor and share it with a friend 786 00:48:20,960 --> 00:48:25,000 Speaker 2: who needs some inspiration, or leave us a quick five 787 00:48:25,040 --> 00:48:28,600 Speaker 2: star review. Your support needs the world to us and 788 00:48:28,680 --> 00:48:30,480 Speaker 2: helps keep this space thriving. 789 00:48:31,040 --> 00:48:35,160 Speaker 1: And before we meet again, repeat after me. I am 790 00:48:35,200 --> 00:48:40,160 Speaker 1: the architect of my destiny, shaping every moment with purpose 791 00:48:40,800 --> 00:48:45,200 Speaker 1: and passion. Keep thriving, lady, and tune in next Friday 792 00:48:45,239 --> 00:48:49,719 Speaker 1: for more inspiration from cultivating her Space. In the meantime, 793 00:48:50,000 --> 00:48:52,960 Speaker 1: be sure to connect with us on Instagram at her 794 00:48:53,000 --> 00:48:54,000 Speaker 1: Space Podcast 795 00:49:00,840 --> 00:49:01,160 Speaker 3: Four