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Speaker 1: This is John, this is Sam, your og Okay Storytime

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Speaker 1: podcast hosts. We have some spectacular stories coming up, but

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Speaker 1: real quick, we get a two minute break from our

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Speaker 1: lovely sponsors keeping this ship sailing.

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Speaker 2: My girlfriend fools around with other men when under the influence.

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Speaker 2: I'm done with her. Oh what a fool she is.

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Speaker 2: So I've been with my girlfriend for three years now

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Speaker 2: and it's been going great until recently. My girlfriend has

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Speaker 2: never had a boyfriend before me, because she was raised

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Speaker 2: in a really strict Catholic family, only daughter, with loads

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Speaker 2: of cousins, aunts and uncles. And I've never been in

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Speaker 2: a relationship before her either. We both lost our virginity

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Speaker 2: with each other in many things in our lives, not

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Speaker 2: just spicy sleep. She's pretty successful, educated, and down to earth.

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Speaker 2: These are things that got me to fall for her

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Speaker 2: in the first place. By the way, this comes from

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Speaker 2: Sean sal and if you want to spit your own stories,

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Speaker 2: go to the r slash Okay. Storytime suppered it naturally.

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Speaker 2: She's very easy going and talks and laughs with anyone

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Speaker 2: she meets or knows already. She has a lot of

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Speaker 2: guy friends, though, which doesn't bother me because they're awesome. Dude,

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Speaker 2: and when we go to parties together, we don't stick

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Speaker 2: to each other the whole time and like to do

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Speaker 2: our own thing, meeting once in a while, et cetera.

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Speaker 2: I've noticed that when we party, whether it's at someone's house,

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Speaker 2: at a bar, lounge, club, whatever, that she gets extra

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Speaker 2: touchy feely with the guys around her. I've never been

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Speaker 2: suspicious of her doing anything, though, because we both love

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Speaker 2: each other so much. She's even easily admitted to the

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Speaker 2: fact that she gets way more social and generally kind

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Speaker 2: to guys around her when she's buzzed. Two days ago,

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Speaker 2: we go to her friend's college party and I go

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Speaker 2: hang out with the fellows across the room while she

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Speaker 2: catches up with their buddies. An hour into the party

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Speaker 2: and I can't really find my girlfriend, so I walk

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Speaker 2: around a bit to see where she is, but no luck.

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Speaker 2: I ask around, but nobody knows. I become a bit suspicious,

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Speaker 2: so without asking for permission, I check my friend's room,

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Speaker 2: and when I open the door, I see my girlfriend

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Speaker 2: on her buddy's lap and he's kissing her neck. Oh

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Speaker 2: my gosh. When I saw that, I just froze like

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Speaker 2: an effing iceberg. Unable to move, but adrenaline started to

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Speaker 2: pump through my body so fast. They didn't notice that

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Speaker 2: I came in because the music was loud already. But

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Speaker 2: she was loving every moment of him kissing her, to

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Speaker 2: the point where I think she was into it. I

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Speaker 2: can't fa believe this crap, and with the guy that

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Speaker 2: I thought was one.

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Speaker 1: Of her really cool friends.

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Speaker 2: What they I don't know what to do, so I

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Speaker 2: just turned around and walked as far as possible. I

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Speaker 2: threw my phone somewhere in the house before I left,

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Speaker 2: but I remember I walked almost fifty plus miles that night.

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Speaker 2: It was about five am the morning when I finally

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Speaker 2: became conscious enough to realize I was in the middle

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Speaker 2: of ething nowhere, So I went to the nearest cast

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Speaker 2: station and asked the registered guy to help me call

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Speaker 2: my friend. Once my friend picked me up, I asked

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Speaker 2: him if I could sleep in his garage for the

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Speaker 2: next few days, because my girlfriend knows my family well

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Speaker 2: and they would defend her, so I.

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Speaker 1: Didn't want to go home.

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Speaker 2: I don't have my phone anymore, I have the clothes

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Speaker 2: that are on me, my wallets, I haven't checked my

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Speaker 2: Facebook or Instagram, and I've asked that my friend not

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Speaker 2: let anyone know I'm here at his house. I am

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Speaker 2: so incredibly mad and the adrenaline hasn't stopped pumping. But

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Speaker 2: I can't speak much. My hands are shaking uncontrollably hard

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Speaker 2: to type all of this. My chest and throat hurt,

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Speaker 2: my eyes can't rest, and my mind won't stop racing.

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Speaker 2: I hate her and everyone she knows. I hate everyone

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Speaker 2: in this world. I can't believe what I saw. I

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Speaker 2: don't even want to imagine it. I'm going to be

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Speaker 2: running out of cash soon, and I can't stay at

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Speaker 2: my friend's house forever. So what theack do I do?

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Speaker 2: I just want to calm down, but I can't. Someone

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Speaker 2: help me, please.

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Speaker 1: Edit.

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Speaker 2: I asked my friend Ash to go and get my

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Speaker 2: cell phone back. He said he's read a lot of

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Speaker 2: Facebook status updates asking where I am and that they're

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Speaker 2: looking for me actively. She hasn't been the poster though,

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Speaker 2: only her friends. I wonder if she knows I caught her.

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Speaker 2: I don't know how to move forward from here. I

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Speaker 2: want to thank you all for your support so far.

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Speaker 2: I will update as much as I can. Thank you

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Speaker 2: for listening. Edit to hey everyone, thank you all for

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Speaker 2: your replies. My friend went over to the house where

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Speaker 2: the party was to try and get my phone back,

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Speaker 2: but wasn't able to because he said nobody knew where

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Speaker 2: it was. I've called my mom and talked to her

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Speaker 2: about the situation. Said she got a call from her

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Speaker 2: that night sobbing and crying because her and the entire

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Speaker 2: house has been looking for me for hours. When my

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Speaker 2: mom asked her what happened, she confessed that she was

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Speaker 2: with another guy that night and that might have been why.

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Speaker 2: No wayhing, crap.

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Speaker 1: No way.

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Speaker 3: I really want to know what the mom's reaction was.

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Speaker 1: Wow.

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Speaker 2: My parents called a bunch of my friends, and I

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Speaker 2: guess they spoke with Ash's parents, who told them that

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Speaker 2: I was in their house sleeping over. My mom said

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Speaker 2: they were going to come pick me up, but she

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Speaker 2: came over gave my parents my phone and keys to

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Speaker 2: my car, apologizing and begging for forgiveness and asking them

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Speaker 2: to help find me. My mom told her that I

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Speaker 2: was sensible enough to take care of myself and that

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Speaker 2: I would come home when I felt better. I also

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Speaker 2: called my workplace and told them about my situation, and

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Speaker 2: thankfully my boss understood. They were going to let me

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Speaker 2: go because of the three day no call, no show policy.

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Speaker 1: You were gone for three days, dang man.

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Speaker 2: But thankfully my boss gave me a week off to recuperate.

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Speaker 2: So that's pretty much the update for now.

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Speaker 1: Super nice.

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Speaker 2: A bunch of people have texted my friend Ash, affecting

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Speaker 2: that I'm a his house because he's my best friend.

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Speaker 2: I can't believe he's been so cool and supportive of

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Speaker 2: me so far. As far as my relationship goes. I'm

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Speaker 2: fueled with hate for her, but I just want to

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Speaker 2: get it over already. I feel physically exhausted, like my

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Speaker 2: muscles are sore from a marathon. I'm guessing these are

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Speaker 2: the symptoms that everyone feels when they got cheated on.

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Speaker 2: I'm planning on going home today, so I'll update if necessary. Again,

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Speaker 2: thanks everyone, and there is an update.

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Speaker 1: I add.

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Speaker 2: A lot of people message me asking for an update,

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Speaker 2: so here it goes. After living in Ash's house, I

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Speaker 2: finally went back home and had a long conversation with

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Speaker 2: my parents. My dad pretty much said that I was

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Speaker 2: a dumb kid who decided to take the worst route

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Speaker 2: after catching my girlfriend cheating on me by running away.

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Speaker 2: My mom was mad at me too, but she understood.

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Speaker 2: I guess ah boo, parents boo. Either way, we all

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Speaker 2: agreed that I was the one who was wronged and

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Speaker 2: not the other way around. And they also told me

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Speaker 2: that a bunch of people who they'd never met had

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Speaker 2: come to our house, so I'm guessing it was a

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Speaker 2: bunch of her friends. A day after I got home,

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Speaker 2: she called my house phone, and I was dumb to

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Speaker 2: pick up. She immediately started crying and mumbling a bunch

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Speaker 2: of gibberish. Honestly, I wasn't even listening. I can't tell

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Speaker 2: you what she said, but I did hear her say

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Speaker 2: she was sorry a few dozen times. She begged me

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Speaker 2: if she could come talk to me in person, but

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Speaker 2: I told her no. I hung up the phone when

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Speaker 2: she started to sound like she was about to justify.

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Speaker 1: What she did.

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Speaker 2: And after an hour of me sitting on my computer

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Speaker 2: chair angry like I was the night I caught her,

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Speaker 2: she drove to my house and started knocking on my door.

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Speaker 2: I didn't open the door at first and kept telling

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Speaker 2: her to f off, but she just kept crying and

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Speaker 2: begging to see me. I called my mom, but of

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Speaker 2: course she doesn't pick up the phone, so I opened

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Speaker 2: the door, and she.

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Speaker 1: Tries to hug me.

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Speaker 2: I just kept walking away from her when she got

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Speaker 2: near me, but she fell on her knees at one point,

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Speaker 2: but I just didn't care. I told her to go

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Speaker 2: home and I would come to her house tonight to talk.

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Speaker 2: After another half an hour of trying to confirm what

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Speaker 2: I said, she finally left. You know that feeling when

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Speaker 2: you touch something dirty or nasty and your body does

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Speaker 2: a quick shake of disgust, Yeah, that's what I felt.

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Speaker 2: I went to see my mom's psychiatrist a few my

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Speaker 2: away from our house and asked him to see me

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Speaker 2: as an emergency, which he did, and I'm glad because

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Speaker 2: we've known him for years.

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Speaker 1: That's good.

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Speaker 2: I told him everything and how my body and mind

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Speaker 2: are in panic mode, how I'm nauseous all the time

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Speaker 2: and I can't sleep. He prescribed some medicine called diazepam

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Speaker 2: and said to take it when I get those feelings.

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Speaker 2: I took one ride after I got them from the pharmacy,

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Speaker 2: and that crap felt so dang good. I've never done

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Speaker 2: substances and I don't drink, but man, does this give

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Speaker 2: you a great high?

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Speaker 3: Oh boy, that's the perfect solution to.

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Speaker 2: Be careful with that.

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Speaker 1: Ope, yeah, be careful, oh man.

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Speaker 2: Anyway, since I just took some of that medicine, I

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Speaker 2: thought it would be a great time to go visit

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Speaker 2: her at her house, like I said. When I got there,

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Speaker 2: I texted her to just meet me outside because I

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Speaker 2: didn't want to see her parents. I felt ashamed. She

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Speaker 2: walks outside wearing her usual house attire, and she looked cute,

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Speaker 2: but dang, I hate her so much. I felt more

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Speaker 2: open than I ever did, though, so I started telling

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Speaker 2: her just how I felt, and as soon as I did,

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Speaker 2: she started crying again. She hugged me this time, and

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Speaker 2: while I didn't put my arms, I didn't stop her either.

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Speaker 2: It didn't feel good. Long story short, she used booze

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Speaker 2: as an excuse, just like everyone in my previous threads

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Speaker 2: said she would. It's a good thing I read everyone's comments, though,

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Speaker 2: because I remembered a few good points to make everything

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Speaker 2: I said.

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Speaker 1: She just responded with, I know, I'm sorry. Please, I

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Speaker 1: won't ever do that again.

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Speaker 2: I want to believe her, but I never want to

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Speaker 2: touch her body again because I feel like the other

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Speaker 2: guy has stained her forever.

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Speaker 1: I told her this, and she just kept.

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Speaker 2: Crying even more. I could see her parents listening in

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Speaker 2: and watching us from her house door, so I just

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Speaker 2: told her to go back inside and remind herself just

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Speaker 2: how much she's broken my heart, and then I left.

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Speaker 2: So that's it. She's been texting me NonStop and trying

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Speaker 2: to FaceTime me here and there, but I just blocked

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Speaker 2: her number. Recently, her lemmings tried to text me to

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Speaker 2: unblock her, but I just block them to. My parents

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Speaker 2: think I'm still going at it the wrong way, and

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Speaker 2: my mom is especially angry that I didn't consult her

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Speaker 2: about getting medicine for all this, because I guess that's

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Speaker 2: psychiatrists of Ours rights prescriptions out like candy on Halloween.

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Speaker 2: I've read up a bit about the medicine and I

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Speaker 2: think it's doing me some good right now. Plus I

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Speaker 2: won't let myself take it after I've gotten used to

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Speaker 2: the entire ordeal. I ended up leaving my current job

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Speaker 2: because well, I don't know. I was dumb enough to

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Speaker 2: say that I couldn't work there anymore because I was

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Speaker 2: just too depressed. Ash told me that his dad could

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Speaker 2: get me a stable job at his plumbing company in

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Speaker 2: a bit, though, so I think I'm going to take

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Speaker 2: him up on that offer and just learn to do

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Speaker 2: that stuff. I get to work with Ash and his dad,

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Speaker 2: so that's a relief. This is it so far. I'm

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Speaker 2: sorry if this was anti climactic or not what some

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Speaker 2: people expected. She's still trying to contact me, I know it,

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Speaker 2: so I can update this thread if anything happens. Thanks

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Speaker 2: everyone for responding to my stuff though. It actually really

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Speaker 2: helped me calm down and think about some stuff.

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Speaker 1: Thank you.

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Speaker 2: Edit So, after reading all the comments about diazepam, I

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Speaker 2: tossed that crap out good. I'd rather not get addicted

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Speaker 2: and have to deal with passing away from withdrawals. I

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Speaker 2: admit that the way I went about doing things was

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Speaker 2: pretty stupid now, so my dad was right. The only

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Speaker 2: excuse I have is that my whole reaction was like

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Speaker 2: an involuntary muscle movement, because I can't remember being already

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Speaker 2: conscious about my actions. It's hard to type what I

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Speaker 2: just did because and then she can use the same

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Speaker 2: excuse and say the same thing about her drinking and

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Speaker 2: being with that guy. It's starting to make me think

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Speaker 2: maybe she really wasn't in control of her actions. I

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Speaker 2: don't know, or she was in complete control, and so

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Speaker 2: was I, which means we both made the decision to

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Speaker 2: be stupid. Either way, I can't see it as anything

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Speaker 2: other than her cheating on me as far as our

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Speaker 2: relationship goes, I won't be as naive next time.

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Speaker 3: Though, No, no.

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Speaker 2: No, I think she would have said, if something had

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Speaker 2: happened that wasn't consensual, I think she would have said,

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Speaker 2: that doesn't seem like that is the case at all.

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Speaker 3: Exactly, it's still cheating, even if she was drunk. My

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Speaker 3: wife's illness ruined our relationship. I can't take it any more. Literally,

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Speaker 3: just get better. There's a trigger warning. This talks about

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Speaker 3: mental illness, so that in mind. We have been married

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Speaker 3: for seven years and together in total for fourteen. Before

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Speaker 3: we got married, my wife exhibited some anxiety and unusual behavior,

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Speaker 3: stressed and a little paranoid about certain things. I had

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Speaker 3: literally no experience in this and attributed it to her

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Speaker 3: stressful job that she often talked about. We got married,

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Speaker 3: and I naively thought that that security would help all

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Speaker 3: some of her fears. She left that job with mine

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Speaker 3: and her family's blessing and encouragement shortly after we married.

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Speaker 1: By the way, this.

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Speaker 3: Comes from Ovolov, and if you want to submit your

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Speaker 3: own stories, go to the our suchh Okay storytime subreddit.

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Speaker 3: So this steadily got worse, and around eighteen months later

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Speaker 3: she was sectioned and spent three weeks in the hospital.

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Speaker 3: She had been delusional, having hallucinations, and was paranoid and

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Speaker 3: suffering from persecutory thoughts. I'd discovered a letter from a

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Speaker 3: solicitor demanding money and found out that she had been

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Speaker 3: overspending and had gotten herself into debt. The medical aftercare

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Speaker 3: post release was non existent, and she soon stopped taking

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Speaker 3: her medication. We struggled on for a couple of years

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Speaker 3: until she had another crisis. She was put under the

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Speaker 3: care of the crisis team, who were great. She started

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Speaker 3: meds again and saw a therapist and psychiatrist. She was

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Speaker 3: extremely anxious at this time and is scared of me.

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Speaker 3: Her voices told her that I was against her, et cetera.

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Speaker 3: So to try to alleviate the immediate stress, her care

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Speaker 3: team suggested that I stayed in our spare room to

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Speaker 3: give each other space, which I happily did to try

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Speaker 3: to make things easier. As time went on, things calmed

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Speaker 3: down and we returned to some semblance of normality, but

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Speaker 3: we had gotten into a routine, and I stayed in

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Speaker 3: the spare room. I didn't want to pressure her and

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Speaker 3: potentially derail her recovery. She was unable to work, which

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Speaker 3: is fine, completely understandable, so we were on one income.

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Speaker 3: But she got into financial trouble again, but this time

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Speaker 3: on my debit and credit cards. I knew it was happening,

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Speaker 3: but it was powerless to stop it. Then one day

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Speaker 3: she announced that she was stopping taking her medication and

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Speaker 3: would no longer see her care team. She had not

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Speaker 3: fully recovered within and within weeks I saw her symptoms returning, delusions, hallucinations,

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Speaker 3: et cetera, all the same things from her original psychosis diagnosis.

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Speaker 3: We kept up appearances and plodded on until I found

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Speaker 3: moreover spending. I tried again to put a stop to it,

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Speaker 3: but she got extremely angry and hit me. Her illness

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Speaker 3: took over and she accused me of forging bank statements,

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Speaker 3: colluding with bank, lying, and committing fraud, et cetera. That

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Speaker 3: completely knocks me back into my shell, and I was

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Speaker 3: unable to stop her spending until the money literally ran out.

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Speaker 1: Oh gosh.

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Speaker 3: When that happened, she was surprised, denied any responsibility and

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Speaker 3: accused me of spending it all. I have now finally

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Speaker 3: managed to largely rain her spending in by denying her

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Speaker 3: access to my cards, but it's been incredibly stressful, as

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Speaker 3: I've had to borrow from my family and the bank

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Speaker 3: to cover it. So another eighteen odd months later, and

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Speaker 3: here we are. She still has her symptoms. We're still

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Speaker 3: in separate rooms. He's understandably unable to work. We have

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Speaker 3: managed to talk about things a couple of times, and

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Speaker 3: she point blank refuses to go back to the doctor

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Speaker 3: or start taking medication. She refuses to go to couples

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Speaker 3: counseling with me. We've both said that it can't carry

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Speaker 3: on like this. I feel after five years of this,

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Speaker 3: I can't take much more. We would have liked to

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Speaker 3: start a family, but that's impossible now. Our lives are

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Speaker 3: wasting away, stuck in this rut. We had a serious

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Speaker 3: talk about a month ago where we all but separated,

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Speaker 3: but then she kind of rode back on the idea.

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Speaker 3: I still love her, and I know none of this

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Speaker 3: this is her fault. I know no one chooses to

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Speaker 3: be ill, and I know it's worse for her than me.

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Speaker 3: I worry how she'd cope if we split. Her parents

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Speaker 3: are nearby, but she's pushed them away over the last

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Speaker 3: few years, but they would absolutely support her. And I

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Speaker 3: feel terrible about potentially not abiding by my marriage vows.

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Speaker 3: She has no friends at all and has alienated her

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Speaker 3: extended family with some behavior related to her illness. I'm

335
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Speaker 3: not even sure that she totally understands the rumifications of separating.

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Speaker 3: She said that she would stay in the house, but

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00:14:26,240 --> 00:14:28,840
Speaker 3: she has no means of paying the bills. Her parents

338
00:14:28,880 --> 00:14:31,600
Speaker 3: are comfortable, but I don't think they could buy me out,

339
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Speaker 3: and they couldn't fund her indefinitely. Neither of us are

340
00:14:34,520 --> 00:14:37,400
Speaker 3: doing the other. EDNY favors prolonging this as it is.

341
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Speaker 3: I feel so guilty and responsible. I often wonder what

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Speaker 3: it is about me that may have made her feel

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Speaker 3: like this. I don't want to split, but staying like

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Speaker 3: this is untenable. I can't force her to get help,

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Speaker 3: and I don't want another five years to pass with

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Speaker 3: no improvement in the best years of my and her life.

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Speaker 1: God, I don't know what to do for the best.

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Speaker 3: I'm sorry this is so long, and there is an update,

349
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Speaker 3: but oh my goodness, gracious, that is a whole lot

350
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Speaker 3: to deal with.

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Speaker 2: Yeah, this is really really tough.

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Speaker 1: This isn't like she has not This is not an a.

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Speaker 2: Whole situation, right, to be clear, this is a person

354
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Speaker 2: who is going through clear mental health problems like psychosis. However,

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Speaker 2: you have to worry about your own mental health. She

356
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Speaker 2: has the option to take medication to get help, to

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Speaker 2: go to therapy. She has made the decision to refuse that,

358
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Speaker 2: and I feel like if she's not gonna do that,

359
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Speaker 2: then this relationship is you can't stay in it.

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Speaker 3: Yeah, I mean you both know that it can't carry

361
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Speaker 3: on like this, and it kind just sucks that she

362
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Speaker 3: doesn't really realize that she can do something to help

363
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Speaker 3: with it.

364
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Speaker 1: Very very difficult. But we do have an update.

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Speaker 3: Last night she felt unwell, how to rash and had

366
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Speaker 3: a bad nightmare, which prompted her to call non emergency

367
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Speaker 3: medical services in the morning. They sent out paramedics this

368
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Speaker 3: morning to talk to her. I didn't know that they

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Speaker 3: were coming. I heard people knock the door and then

370
00:15:55,640 --> 00:15:57,600
Speaker 3: heard them talking to her, so I worked out what

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Speaker 3: was going on. I had been upstairs on the phone

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Speaker 3: with my family. I could hear most of what was

373
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Speaker 3: being said and was keen to hear their take on

374
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Speaker 3: the situation in whether they would want to take my

375
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Speaker 3: wife for psychological assessment. She had been sectioned and detained before.

376
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Speaker 3: At that stage, I didn't want to interrupt the conversation.

377
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Speaker 3: It was clear that the conversation was more about mental

378
00:16:15,560 --> 00:16:17,680
Speaker 3: health than the physical sickness and rash. I heard my

379
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Speaker 3: wife recounting the bullying circumstances which led her to leaving

380
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Speaker 3: her job and her mental breakdowns six years ago. During

381
00:16:23,680 --> 00:16:26,280
Speaker 3: that conversation, I heard her say that she'd had a

382
00:16:26,440 --> 00:16:29,160
Speaker 3: work romance with the manager from her office back then,

383
00:16:29,240 --> 00:16:31,320
Speaker 3: and that she had spent the night with him twice.

384
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Speaker 3: This would have been before we were married, and whilst

385
00:16:34,040 --> 00:16:37,640
Speaker 3: we had previously been temporarily separated during a break but

386
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Speaker 3: she never told me any of this. I made sure

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Speaker 3: that I had heard and understood properly and went downstairs

388
00:16:42,880 --> 00:16:45,480
Speaker 3: to discuss Paramedics were still there. I didn't want her

389
00:16:45,520 --> 00:16:47,720
Speaker 3: to be able to outright deny what she'd said. They

390
00:16:47,720 --> 00:16:50,400
Speaker 3: basically said that she should see her gp to discuss

391
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Speaker 3: options about treatment from her mental illness. It was awkward

392
00:16:53,480 --> 00:16:55,960
Speaker 3: for them, so they finished the consultation as it were

393
00:16:56,000 --> 00:16:58,600
Speaker 3: and left. I asked my wife what had happened, and

394
00:16:58,640 --> 00:17:01,200
Speaker 3: repeated her own words too. She said she'd had a

395
00:17:01,240 --> 00:17:03,960
Speaker 3: crush and that had developed and he acted on it

396
00:17:04,000 --> 00:17:07,880
Speaker 3: when she went to his hotel room. Apparently he subsequently

397
00:17:07,960 --> 00:17:11,240
Speaker 3: denied it. He was Slash is married with kids. She

398
00:17:11,359 --> 00:17:14,119
Speaker 3: said that she didn't really want to do it, but did,

399
00:17:14,280 --> 00:17:17,960
Speaker 3: but it was consensual. It transpires her parents knew and

400
00:17:18,280 --> 00:17:20,439
Speaker 3: also kept it from me. She then said that she

401
00:17:21,000 --> 00:17:23,800
Speaker 3: thought that it happened, but is not one hundred percent

402
00:17:23,840 --> 00:17:26,320
Speaker 3: sure because her mental illness means that she has very

403
00:17:26,359 --> 00:17:29,560
Speaker 3: real seeming delusions. She has previously said things about me

404
00:17:29,600 --> 00:17:31,880
Speaker 3: and her family that were not true. This was apparently

405
00:17:31,920 --> 00:17:34,480
Speaker 3: also while we were separated, but she seemed to say

406
00:17:34,480 --> 00:17:36,760
Speaker 3: that it was building during the time that we were together.

407
00:17:36,880 --> 00:17:41,080
Speaker 3: So whether she physically cheated is moot. Certain emotional cheating though,

408
00:17:41,119 --> 00:17:43,040
Speaker 3: There's a little bit more to the story. But Ah,

409
00:17:43,080 --> 00:17:46,040
Speaker 3: hopefully like he's just coming on here to bet because

410
00:17:46,320 --> 00:17:47,800
Speaker 3: I don't know what to say to him.

411
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Speaker 2: I mean, I think, op, just you need to know

412
00:17:50,200 --> 00:17:54,480
Speaker 2: that you leaving her does not make you the a hole.

413
00:17:54,560 --> 00:17:58,000
Speaker 2: It does not mean that you are you know, failing

414
00:17:58,040 --> 00:18:00,560
Speaker 2: her in some way. Yeah, just it means that you're

415
00:18:00,600 --> 00:18:03,320
Speaker 2: not equipped to take care of this woman, and that's okay, Yeah,

416
00:18:03,320 --> 00:18:03,800
Speaker 2: that's okay.

417
00:18:03,920 --> 00:18:06,919
Speaker 3: Yeah, yeah, because that does really really suck. Like you

418
00:18:06,960 --> 00:18:10,200
Speaker 3: were saying before, Yeah, look out for yourself. It sucks

419
00:18:10,240 --> 00:18:12,439
Speaker 3: when people that you love are going through things like this.

420
00:18:12,600 --> 00:18:14,480
Speaker 3: But at the end of the day, if you are

421
00:18:14,560 --> 00:18:17,640
Speaker 3: ultimately being dragged down by it and you've tried all

422
00:18:17,680 --> 00:18:20,520
Speaker 3: that you can, then you know it's it's not going

423
00:18:20,560 --> 00:18:22,680
Speaker 3: to change, really, so you got to do its best

424
00:18:22,720 --> 00:18:24,080
Speaker 3: for yourself. But there is a little bit more into

425
00:18:24,119 --> 00:18:26,880
Speaker 3: the story. When we got back together after our temporary separation,

426
00:18:27,080 --> 00:18:29,440
Speaker 3: I had moved out, we both said that we had

427
00:18:29,480 --> 00:18:33,320
Speaker 3: been faithful during that period. Conveniently, she doesn't remember that conversation.

428
00:18:33,480 --> 00:18:36,160
Speaker 3: It was all calm. I said that I had at

429
00:18:36,240 --> 00:18:38,920
Speaker 3: right to know back in twenty ten, and she let

430
00:18:38,960 --> 00:18:42,520
Speaker 3: me propose in twenty eleven and marry her in twenty twelve,

431
00:18:42,640 --> 00:18:44,919
Speaker 3: all the while I didn't know. We said that we

432
00:18:45,000 --> 00:18:47,199
Speaker 3: can't carry on and that she would talk to her

433
00:18:47,280 --> 00:18:49,639
Speaker 3: parents about buying me out of half of the house.

434
00:18:49,760 --> 00:18:51,680
Speaker 3: She asked if we could live together in a civil

435
00:18:51,680 --> 00:18:53,800
Speaker 3: way during this period. I said I couldn't afford to

436
00:18:54,000 --> 00:18:56,960
Speaker 3: rent and pay the mortgage and bills, so we'll have

437
00:18:57,080 --> 00:18:59,119
Speaker 3: to She said that I should contact a lawyer to

438
00:18:59,160 --> 00:19:01,560
Speaker 3: talk about the divorce. She said that she was sorry

439
00:19:01,600 --> 00:19:04,320
Speaker 3: her mental health has caused all of these problems, and

440
00:19:04,359 --> 00:19:06,040
Speaker 3: she wanted me to be able to get on with

441
00:19:06,080 --> 00:19:08,280
Speaker 3: my life. I felt sad for her when she said that.

442
00:19:08,320 --> 00:19:10,600
Speaker 3: So this stage of it has come to an end. Finally,

443
00:19:10,840 --> 00:19:14,199
Speaker 3: I feel strangely calm. It's not really a surprise. Although

444
00:19:14,240 --> 00:19:17,520
Speaker 3: I didn't really expect infidelity, it feels surreal. I still

445
00:19:17,560 --> 00:19:20,000
Speaker 3: love her, I love this house, but this is for

446
00:19:20,040 --> 00:19:22,520
Speaker 3: the best. I think it's not been working for years,

447
00:19:22,600 --> 00:19:27,040
Speaker 3: and the problems we face have been insurmountable. I'm finally defeated.

448
00:19:27,280 --> 00:19:30,000
Speaker 3: I just hope the separation can be amicable and fair.

449
00:19:30,280 --> 00:19:32,520
Speaker 3: Thanks for reading. And that is the end of that story.

450
00:19:32,640 --> 00:19:33,000
Speaker 2: Yeah.

451
00:19:33,040 --> 00:19:37,080
Speaker 3: Wow, that's so heartbreaking that she she knows that her

452
00:19:37,119 --> 00:19:39,320
Speaker 3: mental health is getting in the way, yet she struggles

453
00:19:39,359 --> 00:19:40,880
Speaker 3: to find help for it or.

454
00:19:40,800 --> 00:19:42,840
Speaker 1: To endless people help her.

455
00:19:43,000 --> 00:19:47,359
Speaker 2: It's so difficult because like, medication can change how you

456
00:19:47,440 --> 00:19:51,439
Speaker 2: experience life in negative ways too, Like you, like, I

457
00:19:51,480 --> 00:19:53,040
Speaker 2: know a lot of people who go on you know,

458
00:19:53,320 --> 00:19:57,280
Speaker 2: medicine or medication for ADHD. They some of them talk

459
00:19:57,320 --> 00:19:59,560
Speaker 2: about how like amazing it is that they can they're

460
00:19:59,600 --> 00:20:03,159
Speaker 2: able to do you know, their tasks and stuff. But

461
00:20:03,280 --> 00:20:07,159
Speaker 2: also there's a lot of changes that come from it emotionally,

462
00:20:07,240 --> 00:20:10,159
Speaker 2: so you know, I'm sure she's experiencing a lot of that.

463
00:20:10,880 --> 00:20:12,280
Speaker 3: Yeah, yeah, absolutely.

464
00:20:12,320 --> 00:20:15,600
Speaker 2: In your my wife lied about going to a bar,

465
00:20:15,840 --> 00:20:16,960
Speaker 2: but my sister.

466
00:20:16,720 --> 00:20:18,200
Speaker 1: In law told me the truth.

467
00:20:18,440 --> 00:20:22,200
Speaker 2: Ah, the truth shall be revealed. My wife, twenty eight

468
00:20:22,200 --> 00:20:25,439
Speaker 2: female white, and myself thirty male white, have been married

469
00:20:25,480 --> 00:20:29,160
Speaker 2: for one point seven five years, very specific.

470
00:20:29,440 --> 00:20:30,120
Speaker 1: It's weird.

471
00:20:30,200 --> 00:20:31,200
Speaker 3: I've never heard that before.

472
00:20:31,320 --> 00:20:34,239
Speaker 2: Great, and we're together for one point five years before that,

473
00:20:34,440 --> 00:20:37,439
Speaker 2: for a total of roughly three years. It sounds like

474
00:20:37,480 --> 00:20:41,640
Speaker 2: someone that has had to defend how quick they've gotten married. Yeah,

475
00:20:41,680 --> 00:20:44,720
Speaker 2: they're like, okay, one point yeah we were, you know,

476
00:20:44,800 --> 00:20:45,119
Speaker 2: it was it.

477
00:20:45,280 --> 00:20:49,160
Speaker 3: I'm actually like five foot seven and three quarters.

478
00:20:49,280 --> 00:20:51,040
Speaker 1: Yeah. Actually we got.

479
00:20:50,760 --> 00:20:53,199
Speaker 2: Married shortly before our son arrived a year and a half.

480
00:20:53,480 --> 00:20:55,760
Speaker 2: By the way, this comes from my failing marriage. And

481
00:20:55,760 --> 00:20:57,320
Speaker 2: if you want to spent your own stories, go to

482
00:20:57,359 --> 00:21:00,080
Speaker 2: the r slash. Okay, story time, supparate it everything. It

483
00:21:00,119 --> 00:21:02,520
Speaker 2: was great between us, I know, and regret how rush

484
00:21:02,560 --> 00:21:06,200
Speaker 2: things went until my son arrived. My wife got it

485
00:21:06,359 --> 00:21:10,440
Speaker 2: with postpartum hard and treated me terribly for about seven

486
00:21:10,480 --> 00:21:13,840
Speaker 2: months until I finally broke. She was passive, aggressive and

487
00:21:14,080 --> 00:21:17,320
Speaker 2: meaning and berated me for any and every little thing.

488
00:21:17,440 --> 00:21:20,720
Speaker 2: I truly am a great and experienced at first father.

489
00:21:20,880 --> 00:21:23,680
Speaker 2: I have done everything for my child and wife. Our

490
00:21:23,760 --> 00:21:26,760
Speaker 2: child shows signs of being bipolar, but she was great

491
00:21:26,760 --> 00:21:29,520
Speaker 2: again after getting prescribed all OFT and we got along great.

492
00:21:29,600 --> 00:21:32,800
Speaker 2: She's had several incidents where she stops taking it, gets

493
00:21:32,840 --> 00:21:36,600
Speaker 2: passive aggressive and treats me terrible. She's now unmedicated again.

494
00:21:36,760 --> 00:21:39,320
Speaker 2: We work mostly opposite schedules and don't get as much

495
00:21:39,320 --> 00:21:42,240
Speaker 2: time together as we should. She's very controlling and I

496
00:21:42,320 --> 00:21:44,919
Speaker 2: need to consult her anytime I need to do something.

497
00:21:45,119 --> 00:21:47,480
Speaker 2: I usually only go to work and come right home.

498
00:21:47,640 --> 00:21:49,800
Speaker 2: When she's working, I'm all alone with our son. She

499
00:21:49,880 --> 00:21:53,639
Speaker 2: works nights Fridays Saturday nights, so she sleeps all weekend

500
00:21:53,680 --> 00:21:55,920
Speaker 2: on the nights I'm off. She goes to the bars

501
00:21:56,119 --> 00:21:59,080
Speaker 2: with coworkers every weekend after work, and I let it

502
00:21:59,119 --> 00:22:01,440
Speaker 2: happen so she can have a breather and adult time.

503
00:22:01,480 --> 00:22:04,520
Speaker 2: We have a pretty humor based relationship, and sometimes it's

504
00:22:04,560 --> 00:22:07,199
Speaker 2: even at the other's expense. And we have been okay

505
00:22:07,240 --> 00:22:09,639
Speaker 2: with that over the past two months. She keeps joking

506
00:22:09,640 --> 00:22:12,679
Speaker 2: about her black slam piece. That's fine, whatever, but she

507
00:22:12,840 --> 00:22:16,000
Speaker 2: keeps on about it, and it's way past the point

508
00:22:16,040 --> 00:22:18,479
Speaker 2: of being funny. Tuesday night, she was very mad at

509
00:22:18,480 --> 00:22:20,920
Speaker 2: her mother about something. I didn't come right home after

510
00:22:20,960 --> 00:22:23,320
Speaker 2: work because I had to run an errand about an

511
00:22:23,320 --> 00:22:26,200
Speaker 2: hour later than usual. She took this opportunity to claim

512
00:22:26,359 --> 00:22:29,399
Speaker 2: I came home in a bad mood and berated me.

513
00:22:29,520 --> 00:22:32,160
Speaker 2: She picked up some overtime planned for that night seven

514
00:22:32,200 --> 00:22:35,119
Speaker 2: pm to twelve pm. In her anger, beyond our joking

515
00:22:35,160 --> 00:22:37,240
Speaker 2: and in a serious tone, she said, I.

516
00:22:37,160 --> 00:22:38,000
Speaker 1: Don't want to go to work.

517
00:22:38,040 --> 00:22:40,160
Speaker 2: I just want to go get with dead and get

518
00:22:40,200 --> 00:22:42,440
Speaker 2: me some I'm tired of being a daughter, a mom,

519
00:22:42,480 --> 00:22:45,400
Speaker 2: and a wife. That hurts a lot, and it got

520
00:22:45,440 --> 00:22:48,879
Speaker 2: me thinking even more all the next day. Two days later, Thursday,

521
00:22:49,000 --> 00:22:51,199
Speaker 2: she had more land over time from seven pm to

522
00:22:51,240 --> 00:22:53,400
Speaker 2: twelve am. My sister in law is living with us

523
00:22:53,440 --> 00:22:55,639
Speaker 2: because she is down on her luck and in remission

524
00:22:55,680 --> 00:22:56,840
Speaker 2: from ovarian cancer.

525
00:22:56,920 --> 00:22:58,240
Speaker 1: Oh we got along great.

526
00:22:58,640 --> 00:23:01,160
Speaker 2: My wife crawled into my my sister in law's bed

527
00:23:01,240 --> 00:23:05,000
Speaker 2: at three thirty am after her shift, smelling like booze

528
00:23:05,040 --> 00:23:08,119
Speaker 2: and said she went out drinking with Dwight. Dwight is

529
00:23:08,119 --> 00:23:11,159
Speaker 2: a black security guard at her work. I only mentioned

530
00:23:11,280 --> 00:23:15,320
Speaker 2: race because she always jokes about having a black side piece.

531
00:23:15,560 --> 00:23:17,080
Speaker 1: Slam piece is a slam peace.

532
00:23:17,080 --> 00:23:18,960
Speaker 3: People in the chat were saying, slam piece can mean

533
00:23:19,040 --> 00:23:21,160
Speaker 3: like like an a fair partner, like a side chick

534
00:23:21,280 --> 00:23:22,800
Speaker 3: kind of thing, like a side man.

535
00:23:22,880 --> 00:23:25,840
Speaker 2: Her shift ended at twelve bars close at two am,

536
00:23:25,960 --> 00:23:28,159
Speaker 2: and she has a forty five minute drive home. The

537
00:23:28,240 --> 00:23:31,240
Speaker 2: timeline is even more sketchy. My sister in law told

538
00:23:31,240 --> 00:23:33,920
Speaker 2: me about this after my wife left for work Friday night,

539
00:23:33,960 --> 00:23:36,000
Speaker 2: because she felt like I should know. My wife and

540
00:23:36,040 --> 00:23:38,440
Speaker 2: I would not have seen each other until Sunday night

541
00:23:38,520 --> 00:23:42,160
Speaker 2: tomorrow due to work schedules. I couldn't handle wondering all weekends,

542
00:23:42,160 --> 00:23:44,160
Speaker 2: so I went to talk to her at work that night.

543
00:23:44,400 --> 00:23:47,919
Speaker 2: I calmly confronted her about coming home late, smelling of booze,

544
00:23:47,960 --> 00:23:50,359
Speaker 2: and that she never even told me. She admitted she

545
00:23:50,400 --> 00:23:53,719
Speaker 2: went to the bar with delight and at two adult sodas.

546
00:23:53,960 --> 00:23:56,439
Speaker 2: I explained how wrong and sketchy it was to me,

547
00:23:56,600 --> 00:23:59,679
Speaker 2: especially after her comments, she calmly denied cheating on me.

548
00:24:00,040 --> 00:24:02,840
Speaker 2: Ask her again to swear on our son's life. This

549
00:24:02,920 --> 00:24:05,360
Speaker 2: caught her off guard, and after five seconds she did.

550
00:24:05,480 --> 00:24:07,600
Speaker 2: She went on to tell me how she's been unhappy

551
00:24:07,640 --> 00:24:11,280
Speaker 2: for months with me and questions divorce. She's checked out

552
00:24:11,280 --> 00:24:13,320
Speaker 2: on being a mom and a wife. She doesn't do

553
00:24:13,440 --> 00:24:16,320
Speaker 2: anything around the house but play on Facebook all day

554
00:24:16,400 --> 00:24:19,400
Speaker 2: and ignore our son beyond the required stuff. We don't

555
00:24:19,480 --> 00:24:22,159
Speaker 2: argue much, but she's usually on a hair trigger snap

556
00:24:22,200 --> 00:24:25,320
Speaker 2: it about everyone else for no reason to make things worse.

557
00:24:25,480 --> 00:24:27,920
Speaker 2: She texted me earlier that day saying she was eight

558
00:24:28,000 --> 00:24:33,480
Speaker 2: days late for her period. Two pregnancy tests came up inconclusive.

559
00:24:33,560 --> 00:24:36,680
Speaker 2: We've had spicy sleep one time in the past month.

560
00:24:37,000 --> 00:24:39,920
Speaker 2: No birth control in any way, shape or form. It

561
00:24:40,000 --> 00:24:43,040
Speaker 2: makes me wonder if she's pregnant and is it even mine?

562
00:24:43,119 --> 00:24:46,080
Speaker 2: If so so, Here I sit on the verge of divorce.

563
00:24:46,200 --> 00:24:48,720
Speaker 2: I feel my trust is destroyed and I can't move

564
00:24:48,760 --> 00:24:50,960
Speaker 2: past that. She'd flip her crap if I was with

565
00:24:51,040 --> 00:24:53,320
Speaker 2: a woman while drinking at night, and I wouldn't do it.

566
00:24:53,440 --> 00:24:56,320
Speaker 2: Please help validate or argue my feelings of being wronged

567
00:24:56,359 --> 00:24:58,879
Speaker 2: and doubting my wife. My trust is destroyed and we

568
00:24:58,920 --> 00:25:01,480
Speaker 2: may have a baby coming. Neither of us will handle well.

569
00:25:01,640 --> 00:25:04,560
Speaker 2: I feel divorce is coming soon because we both consider it.

570
00:25:04,600 --> 00:25:08,240
Speaker 2: What should I do? Delete Facebook if the gym lawyer up.

571
00:25:08,320 --> 00:25:11,000
Speaker 2: See how things go with potential new baby. I love

572
00:25:11,080 --> 00:25:12,919
Speaker 2: the son we have and I know I'll get at

573
00:25:13,000 --> 00:25:15,439
Speaker 2: least partial custody. We both have good jobs and no

574
00:25:15,560 --> 00:25:18,040
Speaker 2: sketchy records to tie us up in court. Thanks so

575
00:25:18,200 --> 00:25:21,359
Speaker 2: much in advance, and there is an update, folks. My

576
00:25:21,440 --> 00:25:24,080
Speaker 2: wife denied all cheating and such on the Friday night

577
00:25:24,160 --> 00:25:26,639
Speaker 2: I confronted her at work. We both worked all weekend

578
00:25:26,680 --> 00:25:28,560
Speaker 2: and did not see each other because of it until

579
00:25:28,600 --> 00:25:31,719
Speaker 2: Sunday night. We spoke a few times and things seemed okay.

580
00:25:31,840 --> 00:25:34,439
Speaker 2: We were both off the Monday after and she pulled

581
00:25:34,440 --> 00:25:36,600
Speaker 2: me into our room away from my sister in law

582
00:25:36,680 --> 00:25:39,440
Speaker 2: to admit she cheated. That was a quick turnaround. She's

583
00:25:39,440 --> 00:25:41,480
Speaker 2: been cheating on me with a forty seven year old

584
00:25:41,520 --> 00:25:45,240
Speaker 2: coworker has a daughter only four years younger than my wife.

585
00:25:45,320 --> 00:25:47,680
Speaker 2: She claimed this happened one time and was the night

586
00:25:47,760 --> 00:25:49,880
Speaker 2: she was mad at her mom and took it out

587
00:25:49,920 --> 00:25:50,119
Speaker 2: on me.

588
00:25:50,359 --> 00:25:51,120
Speaker 1: She claimed she.

589
00:25:51,040 --> 00:25:53,920
Speaker 2: Did nothing spicy related the night she came home late

590
00:25:53,960 --> 00:25:55,880
Speaker 2: and crawled into bed with my sister in law. She's

591
00:25:55,920 --> 00:25:59,480
Speaker 2: sent seen him a few times. She's shown very little remorse,

592
00:25:59,520 --> 00:26:01,720
Speaker 2: both when she told me and the week's prior. I

593
00:26:01,760 --> 00:26:04,639
Speaker 2: consulted with two divorce lawyers within the few days after

594
00:26:04,720 --> 00:26:07,639
Speaker 2: she told me, but did not disclose this fact immediately.

595
00:26:07,960 --> 00:26:11,440
Speaker 2: We had a talk and mutually agreed on an uncontested divorce,

596
00:26:11,600 --> 00:26:13,400
Speaker 2: something I was going to file for anyway.

597
00:26:13,520 --> 00:26:15,000
Speaker 1: This is in the works and.

598
00:26:14,840 --> 00:26:19,760
Speaker 2: We have come to terms on property, debt, child care,

599
00:26:19,960 --> 00:26:22,160
Speaker 2: et cetera. She'll get the house and we will share

600
00:26:22,280 --> 00:26:24,960
Speaker 2: custody of our son. She gets no child support or

601
00:26:25,000 --> 00:26:26,040
Speaker 2: spousal support.

602
00:26:26,080 --> 00:26:27,040
Speaker 1: Debt is separate.

603
00:26:27,240 --> 00:26:29,280
Speaker 2: She still continues to try to get me to watch

604
00:26:29,280 --> 00:26:31,520
Speaker 2: our son over night so she can go work. She

605
00:26:31,560 --> 00:26:34,040
Speaker 2: has been manipulative twice to be able to have someone

606
00:26:34,040 --> 00:26:36,159
Speaker 2: with our son before I get home from work, so

607
00:26:36,280 --> 00:26:39,160
Speaker 2: I have no choice. I finally snapped at her after

608
00:26:39,240 --> 00:26:42,080
Speaker 2: being kind and stoic for two weeks. I told her

609
00:26:42,080 --> 00:26:47,720
Speaker 2: how crappy, manipulative, selfish, and untruthful she was all around,

610
00:26:47,840 --> 00:26:50,280
Speaker 2: that I won't do these things to her, and I'm

611
00:26:50,320 --> 00:26:52,760
Speaker 2: sure a scrap won't be her doormat and let her

612
00:26:52,840 --> 00:26:55,239
Speaker 2: do it to me. We still coabitate, but I am

613
00:26:55,280 --> 00:26:58,320
Speaker 2: packing my things and moving in the next few weeks.

614
00:26:58,680 --> 00:27:01,760
Speaker 2: I am going to my parents' house until I pay

615
00:27:01,800 --> 00:27:04,640
Speaker 2: off the cost of divorce and decide where I want

616
00:27:04,640 --> 00:27:06,760
Speaker 2: to move to within range of my son. She still

617
00:27:06,840 --> 00:27:09,040
Speaker 2: rarely shows remorse, but I'm not try to call her

618
00:27:09,040 --> 00:27:11,520
Speaker 2: on her crap. We don't interact much, and when she tries,

619
00:27:11,560 --> 00:27:15,120
Speaker 2: I usually mostly ignore her. Sometimes she's playful and flirts

620
00:27:15,119 --> 00:27:17,359
Speaker 2: with me, and don't buy into it. She texts me

621
00:27:17,400 --> 00:27:19,640
Speaker 2: a few times about how sometimes she wants to work

622
00:27:19,680 --> 00:27:21,919
Speaker 2: things out and other times she can't stand me. I

623
00:27:21,960 --> 00:27:25,000
Speaker 2: am fully done with her crap, and she doesn't seem

624
00:27:25,040 --> 00:27:27,239
Speaker 2: to comprehend that I am filing and done with her.

625
00:27:27,280 --> 00:27:29,639
Speaker 2: There's no trust or respect for her, and truthfully, I

626
00:27:29,680 --> 00:27:30,040
Speaker 2: hate her.

627
00:27:30,080 --> 00:27:32,480
Speaker 1: There is a little bit left to this story. Do

628
00:27:32,480 --> 00:27:33,479
Speaker 1: you have any final thoughts?

629
00:27:33,800 --> 00:27:37,359
Speaker 3: I just this is a tough pill to swallow, but

630
00:27:37,640 --> 00:27:40,560
Speaker 3: I'm glad you're doing it. I'm glad you're not just

631
00:27:40,600 --> 00:27:43,199
Speaker 3: like trying to hang on and deal with this like

632
00:27:43,400 --> 00:27:47,120
Speaker 3: unfair behavior, yeah, disrespectful behavior. You're getting out of there,

633
00:27:47,160 --> 00:27:48,679
Speaker 3: which is the best thing that you could do for

634
00:27:48,720 --> 00:27:51,800
Speaker 3: yourself and for your kids, right, they have kids. Yeah,

635
00:27:51,960 --> 00:27:55,760
Speaker 3: so yeah, you're doing everything right, but it does just suck,

636
00:27:56,160 --> 00:27:57,320
Speaker 3: man does just suck?

637
00:27:57,640 --> 00:27:58,200
Speaker 1: Just suck.

638
00:27:58,520 --> 00:28:01,199
Speaker 2: Yeah, just divorce her. I guess that's all you can do.

639
00:28:02,200 --> 00:28:04,760
Speaker 3: Yeah, you'll find someone much better because it sounds like

640
00:28:04,760 --> 00:28:05,800
Speaker 3: he's still pretty young too.

641
00:28:06,119 --> 00:28:08,000
Speaker 1: Yeah he's thirty. Yeah I know.

642
00:28:08,200 --> 00:28:09,439
Speaker 3: I mean I never heard the like dating in your

643
00:28:09,440 --> 00:28:12,000
Speaker 3: thirties is still tough, but at least you're not like fifty.

644
00:28:12,240 --> 00:28:14,800
Speaker 2: Yeah, that seems tougher. Our son has to be pulled

645
00:28:14,840 --> 00:28:17,000
Speaker 2: away from me crying when she wants to show him

646
00:28:17,040 --> 00:28:19,760
Speaker 2: attention when I'm around. He even prefers my sister in

647
00:28:19,800 --> 00:28:22,760
Speaker 2: law over my wife, usually unless he wants to nurse.

648
00:28:22,880 --> 00:28:25,639
Speaker 2: My wife still mostly ignores him and plays on her phone.

649
00:28:25,640 --> 00:28:27,800
Speaker 2: In the meantime, I'm hitting the gym and trying to

650
00:28:27,880 --> 00:28:30,800
Speaker 2: maintain my sanity. I do fine during the day, but

651
00:28:30,840 --> 00:28:33,320
Speaker 2: the darker thoughts creep in at night. I do my

652
00:28:33,400 --> 00:28:35,679
Speaker 2: best to stave it off, but it's hard when it

653
00:28:35,680 --> 00:28:38,320
Speaker 2: prevents you from sleeping. I'm just riding the waves of

654
00:28:38,360 --> 00:28:42,000
Speaker 2: it all until I reach better days. Depression is definitely present,

655
00:28:42,120 --> 00:28:44,240
Speaker 2: but I am focusing on my one and a half

656
00:28:44,320 --> 00:28:46,600
Speaker 2: year old son, as he is all that matters in this.

657
00:28:46,800 --> 00:28:49,240
Speaker 2: I love him very much. Thanks everyone for their time

658
00:28:49,320 --> 00:28:51,560
Speaker 2: and that final push I needed to be strong and

659
00:28:51,600 --> 00:28:53,800
Speaker 2: get my divorce going. And folks, that is the end

660
00:28:53,800 --> 00:28:54,520
Speaker 2: of that story.

661
00:28:55,680 --> 00:28:57,720
Speaker 1: Hey, it's John here. We're gonna get back to this episode,

662
00:28:57,720 --> 00:29:00,680
Speaker 1: but a quick three minute break with aswermar sponsors. My

663
00:29:00,840 --> 00:29:04,280
Speaker 1: husband is exhausted from working a high paying job. I

664
00:29:04,320 --> 00:29:08,120
Speaker 1: don't want to work dull. This is part genuine request

665
00:29:08,120 --> 00:29:10,840
Speaker 1: for perspective and opinions and part getting it off of

666
00:29:10,920 --> 00:29:13,200
Speaker 1: my chest. To sum up, my husband and I have

667
00:29:13,240 --> 00:29:15,840
Speaker 1: been married for ten years. We have a good marriage

668
00:29:15,840 --> 00:29:19,720
Speaker 1: and have never faced any truly difficult times. It'll be

669
00:29:19,760 --> 00:29:22,840
Speaker 1: difficult to explain everything that goes into this, but I'm

670
00:29:22,920 --> 00:29:26,000
Speaker 1: happy to expound in the comments. By the way, this

671
00:29:26,080 --> 00:29:28,920
Speaker 1: comes from user ten year Perspective, and if you want

672
00:29:28,960 --> 00:29:30,920
Speaker 1: to submit your own stories, go to the r slash

673
00:29:30,960 --> 00:29:36,320
Speaker 1: Okay storytime subredding. So basically, the last decade has largely

674
00:29:36,360 --> 00:29:40,200
Speaker 1: been focused on achieving financial independence. I had never been

675
00:29:40,200 --> 00:29:43,360
Speaker 1: a very business oriented person until I met my husband.

676
00:29:43,680 --> 00:29:47,840
Speaker 1: He is extremely entrepreneurial and his passion for it is catching.

677
00:29:48,280 --> 00:29:52,040
Speaker 1: We have run our own businesses together and separately throughout

678
00:29:52,040 --> 00:29:54,320
Speaker 1: our marriage. The goal has always been to make enough

679
00:29:54,360 --> 00:29:57,880
Speaker 1: money on location independent businesses that we can live freely,

680
00:29:58,320 --> 00:30:02,560
Speaker 1: not necessarily retire, but just have more freedom. Because of

681
00:30:02,600 --> 00:30:05,000
Speaker 1: his encouragement, I am now on a career path that

682
00:30:05,040 --> 00:30:08,240
Speaker 1: could easily result in that in ten years we have

683
00:30:08,480 --> 00:30:14,520
Speaker 1: moved twenty five times, all because better opportunities have presented

684
00:30:14,560 --> 00:30:18,320
Speaker 1: themselves or current opportunities have dried up. We are now

685
00:30:18,360 --> 00:30:21,720
Speaker 1: facing number twenty six, with number twenty seven not far away,

686
00:30:21,760 --> 00:30:24,160
Speaker 1: because number twenty six doesn't look like that good of

687
00:30:24,200 --> 00:30:29,040
Speaker 1: a prospect. Without giving away details, my business fluctuates greatly.

688
00:30:29,440 --> 00:30:32,360
Speaker 1: I've had months where I pull in mid five figures

689
00:30:32,400 --> 00:30:36,080
Speaker 1: and long stretches of a few hundred dollars. I assume

690
00:30:36,600 --> 00:30:40,600
Speaker 1: not one hundred grand. My career quote unquote outside of

691
00:30:40,600 --> 00:30:44,320
Speaker 1: this is food service with a very definite wage ceiling.

692
00:30:44,720 --> 00:30:48,040
Speaker 1: My husband's career is professional and he can easily find

693
00:30:48,040 --> 00:30:52,600
Speaker 1: a six figure salary position. His current online business currently

694
00:30:52,600 --> 00:30:55,680
Speaker 1: brings in low four figures. We have always relied on

695
00:30:55,800 --> 00:30:58,600
Speaker 1: his going back to work when money runs low. He's

696
00:30:58,640 --> 00:31:02,360
Speaker 1: in high demand, practically, snap his fingers and get a job.

697
00:31:02,920 --> 00:31:07,000
Speaker 1: I cannot. Here's the conflict and where I'll try to

698
00:31:07,040 --> 00:31:10,280
Speaker 1: eliminate as much of my bias as possible. My husband

699
00:31:10,480 --> 00:31:14,000
Speaker 1: is completely burned out. He physically and emotionally can't deal

700
00:31:14,040 --> 00:31:16,400
Speaker 1: with the stress of going to work right now. He

701
00:31:16,440 --> 00:31:18,640
Speaker 1: has supported me through the last couple of years when

702
00:31:18,640 --> 00:31:20,960
Speaker 1: my income has been low, and I've always been aware

703
00:31:21,000 --> 00:31:24,120
Speaker 1: of my financial contribution, and I make up for it

704
00:31:24,160 --> 00:31:27,720
Speaker 1: by carrying the grand majority of the household chores, even

705
00:31:27,720 --> 00:31:30,640
Speaker 1: when I was working sixty plus hours as a manager

706
00:31:31,000 --> 00:31:33,479
Speaker 1: and pulling in half of his wage. But as our

707
00:31:33,520 --> 00:31:36,080
Speaker 1: savings are dwindling, it's looking more and more like I'll

708
00:31:36,080 --> 00:31:38,760
Speaker 1: have to get a job that means pushing my business

709
00:31:38,840 --> 00:31:42,240
Speaker 1: to the back burner, working a physically demanding job, all

710
00:31:42,280 --> 00:31:45,160
Speaker 1: for a quarter of the pay he could get. I'm

711
00:31:45,200 --> 00:31:48,480
Speaker 1: not one to spend money. We didn't really have a wedding.

712
00:31:48,840 --> 00:31:51,479
Speaker 1: We bought my wedding band three years after we got married.

713
00:31:51,800 --> 00:31:54,840
Speaker 1: I cut my own hair. I work from home in sweatpants.

714
00:31:55,400 --> 00:31:57,960
Speaker 1: It's not as though I've forced him to work jobs

715
00:31:57,960 --> 00:32:01,200
Speaker 1: he hates in order to provide me with an extravagant lifestyle.

716
00:32:01,400 --> 00:32:03,800
Speaker 1: I have worked crap jobs to help provide for us

717
00:32:03,800 --> 00:32:06,360
Speaker 1: in the past, and even when my business isn't earning

718
00:32:06,400 --> 00:32:08,760
Speaker 1: a ton, I still put in fifty plus hours a week.

719
00:32:09,320 --> 00:32:13,560
Speaker 1: I'm craving stability, not permanence, just the feeling that I

720
00:32:13,560 --> 00:32:16,080
Speaker 1: can unpack our boxes and not feel like I should

721
00:32:16,120 --> 00:32:18,400
Speaker 1: save them in a closet, knowing in six to nine

722
00:32:18,440 --> 00:32:21,680
Speaker 1: months I'll need them again. We've been child free for years,

723
00:32:21,720 --> 00:32:23,600
Speaker 1: but the last couple of years the topic has been

724
00:32:23,600 --> 00:32:26,720
Speaker 1: coming up more and more. Yet I feel it's impossible

725
00:32:26,760 --> 00:32:29,320
Speaker 1: to even discuss the idea of starting a family in

726
00:32:29,360 --> 00:32:32,640
Speaker 1: the face of such uncertainty. I miss my cats, who

727
00:32:32,760 --> 00:32:35,880
Speaker 1: they're living with my parents overseas. I want a fish

728
00:32:35,960 --> 00:32:39,400
Speaker 1: tank in a place to hang pictures. My husband says,

729
00:32:39,600 --> 00:32:42,280
Speaker 1: if you want those things, then make it happen, which

730
00:32:43,000 --> 00:32:46,160
Speaker 1: fair enough I completely agree with. I don't want to

731
00:32:46,200 --> 00:32:49,240
Speaker 1: rely on him to provide the life I want. However,

732
00:32:49,280 --> 00:32:51,720
Speaker 1: it leaves me feeling a combination of emotions I can't

733
00:32:51,720 --> 00:32:55,360
Speaker 1: really put into words. I find myself going through mental

734
00:32:55,400 --> 00:32:58,840
Speaker 1: exercises of what would I do in this situation if

735
00:32:58,880 --> 00:33:01,960
Speaker 1: I were single, would I support myself? And I start

736
00:33:02,000 --> 00:33:06,600
Speaker 1: to feel resentful. I'm not single, I'm married, and not

737
00:33:06,720 --> 00:33:09,400
Speaker 1: only that, I'm not sure I can make enough money

738
00:33:09,480 --> 00:33:12,600
Speaker 1: to support us. I desperately want him to find what

739
00:33:12,760 --> 00:33:16,160
Speaker 1: it is he's meant to do. I desperately want him

740
00:33:16,200 --> 00:33:18,680
Speaker 1: to find what it is he's meant to do. I

741
00:33:18,720 --> 00:33:20,960
Speaker 1: don't care about the money or the dreams of financial

742
00:33:21,000 --> 00:33:23,560
Speaker 1: independence if it means he's miserable trying to get there.

743
00:33:23,760 --> 00:33:24,880
Speaker 1: Have we talked to him?

744
00:33:25,000 --> 00:33:26,960
Speaker 2: Felton says he's allowed to take a lower pink job,

745
00:33:27,160 --> 00:33:29,320
Speaker 2: but he needs to do something. I think that's the thing.

746
00:33:29,320 --> 00:33:31,120
Speaker 2: It's like, that's totally fair for him to be like,

747
00:33:31,160 --> 00:33:34,840
Speaker 2: this job is too stressful, it's too much. That's totally fine,

748
00:33:35,120 --> 00:33:37,880
Speaker 2: but like both of you need to find another job

749
00:33:37,960 --> 00:33:39,800
Speaker 2: that works. Gotta find something.

750
00:33:39,960 --> 00:33:42,480
Speaker 1: He's been trying to work out which direction to change

751
00:33:42,480 --> 00:33:45,000
Speaker 1: too for the past year and has yet to come

752
00:33:45,080 --> 00:33:47,160
Speaker 1: up with anything solid. I know it's all about give

753
00:33:47,200 --> 00:33:50,080
Speaker 1: and take, but I can't help but feel I don't know,

754
00:33:50,720 --> 00:33:53,000
Speaker 1: I don't have the words, and I'm at a complete

755
00:33:53,080 --> 00:33:54,760
Speaker 1: loss as to how we resolve this. By the way,

756
00:33:54,960 --> 00:33:58,360
Speaker 1: we have talked about all of this about one nine

757
00:33:58,400 --> 00:34:00,840
Speaker 1: hundred pey seven times already. There's nothing written here that

758
00:34:00,880 --> 00:34:04,040
Speaker 1: he has not heard before. Edit. I appreciate all the

759
00:34:04,040 --> 00:34:07,000
Speaker 1: comments and opinions. This got a lot more response, and

760
00:34:07,080 --> 00:34:10,319
Speaker 1: I expected just a few things. It's difficult to sum

761
00:34:10,400 --> 00:34:13,279
Speaker 1: up an entire life in a few hundred words. The

762
00:34:13,320 --> 00:34:16,680
Speaker 1: moves have been for varied and obviously, with twenty five

763
00:34:16,719 --> 00:34:21,080
Speaker 1: of them, multiple reasons. So we're somewhere because my husband

764
00:34:21,160 --> 00:34:24,359
Speaker 1: was offered a good job. Others were to be nearer family. Ah,

765
00:34:24,480 --> 00:34:26,120
Speaker 1: that still doesn't make any sense, dude.

766
00:34:26,200 --> 00:34:29,040
Speaker 2: They moved to be nearer family, and then and then

767
00:34:29,040 --> 00:34:30,279
Speaker 2: they moved again.

768
00:34:30,120 --> 00:34:31,960
Speaker 1: With twenty five moves. They're like, we're too close to

769
00:34:32,000 --> 00:34:33,600
Speaker 1: the family. Are taking turns? You're like, so we're going

770
00:34:33,640 --> 00:34:35,400
Speaker 1: to move close to uncle Steve, and then we're now

771
00:34:35,520 --> 00:34:37,359
Speaker 1: going to move next to mom and dad, and then

772
00:34:37,360 --> 00:34:39,719
Speaker 1: we're gonna move closer to my brother and then we're

773
00:34:39,840 --> 00:34:42,560
Speaker 1: what are you talking about? Yeah, saying that like that's normal,

774
00:34:42,640 --> 00:34:45,320
Speaker 1: it's crazy. I've been pursuing my side business for the

775
00:34:45,400 --> 00:34:48,440
Speaker 1: last three and a half years. The seven prior to that,

776
00:34:48,640 --> 00:34:51,160
Speaker 1: I was in full time employment, sometimes working a full

777
00:34:51,160 --> 00:34:54,280
Speaker 1: time job while also helping to run our own business.

778
00:34:54,320 --> 00:34:57,399
Speaker 1: He has not financially supported me for ten years. I'm

779
00:34:57,440 --> 00:35:00,440
Speaker 1: not sure where people got MLM from, but I'm in

780
00:35:00,480 --> 00:35:02,920
Speaker 1: a creative field. As I said, I don't want to

781
00:35:02,960 --> 00:35:06,120
Speaker 1: reveal details, but I create products and then sell them online.

782
00:35:06,520 --> 00:35:08,759
Speaker 1: We're not scam artists. Nor do we have to leave

783
00:35:08,800 --> 00:35:12,120
Speaker 1: town because people are catching on to our pyramid scheme. Lol.

784
00:35:12,640 --> 00:35:14,839
Speaker 1: As far as financials go, again, it's impossible to sum

785
00:35:14,920 --> 00:35:17,680
Speaker 1: up ten years of income. But we go through feast

786
00:35:17,760 --> 00:35:20,680
Speaker 1: and famine periods, times when money is flowing in, in

787
00:35:20,719 --> 00:35:23,000
Speaker 1: times when we live off of what we've earned. We

788
00:35:23,080 --> 00:35:25,439
Speaker 1: never live outside our means, and when money is good,

789
00:35:25,440 --> 00:35:28,160
Speaker 1: we put thousands of a month away to prepare for the downtimes.

790
00:35:28,520 --> 00:35:30,680
Speaker 1: It's not a typical way of living. So I understand

791
00:35:30,719 --> 00:35:32,080
Speaker 1: it's not easily relatable.

792
00:35:32,120 --> 00:35:35,399
Speaker 2: Why is it so so? I mean, like I think

793
00:35:35,400 --> 00:35:37,840
Speaker 2: there is. I don't want to say, like it's not

794
00:35:38,040 --> 00:35:40,480
Speaker 2: uncommon for people to have like very good times and

795
00:35:40,520 --> 00:35:43,520
Speaker 2: then very bad financial times. Like there is that kind

796
00:35:43,560 --> 00:35:46,960
Speaker 2: of fluctuation that happens in life because things change. But

797
00:35:47,000 --> 00:35:49,440
Speaker 2: it seems like you guys are expecting that to happen

798
00:35:49,960 --> 00:35:51,879
Speaker 2: it like in a way that goes beyond like, oh,

799
00:35:52,080 --> 00:35:54,120
Speaker 2: just in case. It feels like you guys are like, yeah,

800
00:35:54,280 --> 00:35:58,560
Speaker 2: it this business that we're in is gonna drop. And

801
00:35:58,600 --> 00:36:00,560
Speaker 2: I feel like maybe this is not business that we

802
00:36:00,560 --> 00:36:03,680
Speaker 2: should be in if there is that much you know,

803
00:36:04,680 --> 00:36:07,880
Speaker 2: fluctuation that's just what I'm reading from this. Obviously I

804
00:36:07,880 --> 00:36:10,959
Speaker 2: don't know all of the details, but maybe this isn't

805
00:36:10,960 --> 00:36:13,280
Speaker 2: the mist I needed to be in their best business

806
00:36:13,320 --> 00:36:13,680
Speaker 2: to be in.

807
00:36:13,800 --> 00:36:15,959
Speaker 1: I already know my take, right, Yeah, I don't fully

808
00:36:15,960 --> 00:36:18,279
Speaker 1: agree with your take, but you know what, if you're

809
00:36:18,320 --> 00:36:20,880
Speaker 1: making six figures and you're miserable and you know that

810
00:36:20,920 --> 00:36:25,520
Speaker 1: you can quit later, I'm singing too, mo bro, they could.

811
00:36:25,320 --> 00:36:28,520
Speaker 2: Both find a different jobs that they like at least

812
00:36:28,560 --> 00:36:30,960
Speaker 2: a little bit or like. Don't make them miserable, but

813
00:36:31,040 --> 00:36:33,440
Speaker 2: make them enough to be a little bit more stable.

814
00:36:33,880 --> 00:36:36,160
Speaker 1: That's what I'm thinking. Well, I'm just thinking all the

815
00:36:36,160 --> 00:36:39,719
Speaker 1: times I've worked jobs that paid me literally dirt. Life

816
00:36:39,840 --> 00:36:42,839
Speaker 1: isn't always about working a job that you like. It's

817
00:36:42,880 --> 00:36:45,759
Speaker 1: true a lot of times you will find yourself like,

818
00:36:45,800 --> 00:36:47,920
Speaker 1: I really like the job I have right now. I

819
00:36:48,000 --> 00:36:51,480
Speaker 1: worked a ton of jobs I did not enjoy, but

820
00:36:51,520 --> 00:36:54,839
Speaker 1: I needed the money. So in that context, if y'all

821
00:36:54,880 --> 00:36:58,080
Speaker 1: need the money right now to provide some level of security,

822
00:36:58,560 --> 00:37:02,000
Speaker 1: just get it, save it, use it, then quit. What

823
00:37:02,040 --> 00:37:06,960
Speaker 1: are we talking about? Comments number one? So you both

824
00:37:07,040 --> 00:37:10,840
Speaker 1: have entrepreneurial side businesses and full time jobs, plus moving

825
00:37:10,880 --> 00:37:12,960
Speaker 1: every three to six months for the last ten years.

826
00:37:13,760 --> 00:37:17,160
Speaker 1: That would burn anybody out. I know financial independence is

827
00:37:17,200 --> 00:37:20,160
Speaker 1: a dream, but it seems like if both put down roots,

828
00:37:20,200 --> 00:37:23,759
Speaker 1: maybe for a specified time like four years, and found stability,

829
00:37:24,000 --> 00:37:28,439
Speaker 1: burnout wouldn't be a factor. Financially and emotionally. Starting over

830
00:37:28,600 --> 00:37:30,840
Speaker 1: takes a toll. I want to say, make a plan,

831
00:37:31,239 --> 00:37:33,399
Speaker 1: but sometimes you have to go with the flow, work

832
00:37:33,440 --> 00:37:35,560
Speaker 1: a job and just make it day to day without

833
00:37:35,560 --> 00:37:38,680
Speaker 1: trying to achieve large, crushing goals of making it big

834
00:37:38,719 --> 00:37:42,839
Speaker 1: with an entrepreneurial venture. Ope replies, we go back and

835
00:37:42,880 --> 00:37:45,359
Speaker 1: forth when it comes to the full time employment because

836
00:37:45,400 --> 00:37:50,000
Speaker 1: of his high salary and short lifespan. When working. It's

837
00:37:50,040 --> 00:37:53,680
Speaker 1: been more like six months on several months off. But

838
00:37:53,760 --> 00:37:57,080
Speaker 1: there's always a side business always lol. Comment number two.

839
00:37:57,440 --> 00:38:00,920
Speaker 1: If you're trying to reach financial independence based on location

840
00:38:01,120 --> 00:38:03,839
Speaker 1: independent businesses, why on earth do you have to move

841
00:38:03,920 --> 00:38:06,719
Speaker 1: twenty five times in ten years? Why on earth are

842
00:38:06,760 --> 00:38:09,319
Speaker 1: you moving for the twenty sixth time if you think

843
00:38:09,360 --> 00:38:12,200
Speaker 1: you'll have to move again for the twenty seventh It

844
00:38:12,280 --> 00:38:14,359
Speaker 1: sounds to me like there is something wrong with how

845
00:38:14,400 --> 00:38:17,360
Speaker 1: your husband is pursuing financial independence, and I'm worried that

846
00:38:17,400 --> 00:38:20,640
Speaker 1: your husband is not so much entrepreneurial as chasing money

847
00:38:20,680 --> 00:38:23,560
Speaker 1: schemes up a hill in Downdale. After ten years of

848
00:38:23,600 --> 00:38:25,919
Speaker 1: working on it, how close are you to your net

849
00:38:25,920 --> 00:38:29,359
Speaker 1: worth goal? You sound very frugal. Surely after ten years

850
00:38:29,440 --> 00:38:31,560
Speaker 1: you have a solid nest egg and are seeing that

851
00:38:31,600 --> 00:38:34,520
Speaker 1: networth start to grow through compound interest. Why do you

852
00:38:34,560 --> 00:38:37,080
Speaker 1: say your savings or dwindling when his business brings in

853
00:38:37,200 --> 00:38:40,040
Speaker 1: enough money to pay the bills. From a five ray perspective,

854
00:38:40,640 --> 00:38:43,560
Speaker 1: it just doesn't add up. Even if this strategy really

855
00:38:43,680 --> 00:38:46,080
Speaker 1: is working in a money sense, If you're sick of

856
00:38:46,120 --> 00:38:50,480
Speaker 1: moving and long for stability, this strategy is not working

857
00:38:50,520 --> 00:38:54,120
Speaker 1: for you or for your marriage. I think your reaction

858
00:38:54,239 --> 00:38:56,759
Speaker 1: to the current circumstances is about a bigger set of

859
00:38:56,800 --> 00:38:59,560
Speaker 1: issues than just going back to work. You sound like

860
00:38:59,600 --> 00:39:00,960
Speaker 1: you're at the end of your rope with a lot

861
00:39:00,960 --> 00:39:03,560
Speaker 1: of things like moving in housework and children and going

862
00:39:03,600 --> 00:39:07,120
Speaker 1: back to low up return on investment work is the

863
00:39:07,239 --> 00:39:11,400
Speaker 1: last straw. As others have said, your husband needs to

864
00:39:11,440 --> 00:39:14,919
Speaker 1: treat his burnout. You sound burned out too. You both

865
00:39:15,000 --> 00:39:17,040
Speaker 1: need to take a step back and look at your

866
00:39:17,080 --> 00:39:21,279
Speaker 1: plans and lifestyle through marriage, counseling, financial advice, whatever, Well,

867
00:39:21,280 --> 00:39:24,440
Speaker 1: help you review with clear eyes and get on the

868
00:39:24,480 --> 00:39:27,840
Speaker 1: same page. Your current plans and lifestyle are clearly not

869
00:39:27,920 --> 00:39:31,399
Speaker 1: working for either of you. Op says when I say

870
00:39:31,440 --> 00:39:35,279
Speaker 1: savings are dwindling, there's a lump of money in the

871
00:39:35,360 --> 00:39:38,359
Speaker 1: savings account that we never ever touch and treat as

872
00:39:38,440 --> 00:39:40,960
Speaker 1: the rock bottom. We never get close to that amount,

873
00:39:41,040 --> 00:39:43,520
Speaker 1: So in my mind, what we have to live off

874
00:39:43,560 --> 00:39:46,960
Speaker 1: in savings is running out when we budget. We don't

875
00:39:47,000 --> 00:39:48,960
Speaker 1: feel like we're doing well unless we're able to put

876
00:39:49,000 --> 00:39:51,319
Speaker 1: money away at the end of the month. After ten

877
00:39:51,440 --> 00:39:54,080
Speaker 1: years of working, we are definitely not where either of

878
00:39:54,200 --> 00:39:56,560
Speaker 1: us would like to be. That's not to say the

879
00:39:56,640 --> 00:40:00,719
Speaker 1: experiences and ups and downs weren't worth it. Don't think

880
00:40:00,800 --> 00:40:02,960
Speaker 1: it's in my husband to buckle down with a nine

881
00:40:03,000 --> 00:40:06,239
Speaker 1: to five job and squirrel away money for retirement. I

882
00:40:06,239 --> 00:40:08,440
Speaker 1: have always been happy to help him pursue his goals

883
00:40:08,480 --> 00:40:10,640
Speaker 1: of owning and running his own businesses because I have

884
00:40:10,680 --> 00:40:14,200
Speaker 1: faith in him. It's clear after talking this through on here,

885
00:40:14,560 --> 00:40:17,520
Speaker 1: we're at a fork in the road. Reply, your husband

886
00:40:17,520 --> 00:40:20,120
Speaker 1: is about to hit rock bottom and you're not far behind.

887
00:40:20,400 --> 00:40:23,680
Speaker 1: That money was saved for emergencies. This situation is not

888
00:40:23,760 --> 00:40:27,360
Speaker 1: that different than your husband being temporarily disabled. At the

889
00:40:27,440 --> 00:40:31,080
Speaker 1: very least, you need to consider touching it. Opie says,

890
00:40:31,239 --> 00:40:33,680
Speaker 1: I appreciate the way that you put that. It makes

891
00:40:33,719 --> 00:40:36,560
Speaker 1: it easier to lock onto in my mind. Thank you.

892
00:40:36,800 --> 00:40:39,520
Speaker 1: And there's an update. I don't know if I agree

893
00:40:39,560 --> 00:40:39,840
Speaker 1: with that.

894
00:40:40,440 --> 00:40:42,640
Speaker 2: I don't think the solution is, oh, we should reach

895
00:40:42,640 --> 00:40:46,000
Speaker 2: into our rock bottom savings. I think the solution is

896
00:40:46,760 --> 00:40:49,279
Speaker 2: we need to find a different career path because this

897
00:40:49,320 --> 00:40:53,360
Speaker 2: one clearly isn't lucrative. I feel like anyone who's confused

898
00:40:53,719 --> 00:40:57,759
Speaker 2: in the story, what we basically have is op is

899
00:40:57,840 --> 00:41:00,640
Speaker 2: an entrepreneur and has been working a cup like low

900
00:41:00,719 --> 00:41:05,160
Speaker 2: paying jobs for ten years. Her husband is an entrepreneur

901
00:41:05,239 --> 00:41:08,719
Speaker 2: and has been working some very high paying jobs, but

902
00:41:09,080 --> 00:41:11,560
Speaker 2: that only kind of like contract work only have like

903
00:41:11,640 --> 00:41:14,600
Speaker 2: limited timeframes, and they've.

904
00:41:14,400 --> 00:41:15,480
Speaker 1: Been doing this for ten years.

905
00:41:15,480 --> 00:41:18,359
Speaker 2: They've moved twenty six times the last ten years for

906
00:41:18,480 --> 00:41:21,360
Speaker 2: various different reasons, and now they're having a conflict of

907
00:41:21,400 --> 00:41:26,440
Speaker 2: interest about wanting to save money, but her husband not

908
00:41:26,560 --> 00:41:29,520
Speaker 2: wanting to do this well paying job because it makes

909
00:41:29,560 --> 00:41:32,200
Speaker 2: it miserable, and so that's where that's been. She's still

910
00:41:32,239 --> 00:41:35,160
Speaker 2: working those two jobs and the entrepreneurial job or like

911
00:41:35,239 --> 00:41:39,319
Speaker 2: making something. Uh, and he's still doing the entrepreneurial job,

912
00:41:39,360 --> 00:41:43,520
Speaker 2: I think, but not doing the six figure job. And

913
00:41:43,560 --> 00:41:46,840
Speaker 2: they're just like they cannot agree. And I think that

914
00:41:47,400 --> 00:41:49,719
Speaker 2: they both have to realize that they just got to

915
00:41:49,719 --> 00:41:53,040
Speaker 2: go a different route altogether, because if you're working at

916
00:41:53,080 --> 00:41:56,719
Speaker 2: a job for ten years and seeing no sort of

917
00:41:56,760 --> 00:41:59,640
Speaker 2: stability at all, Like I'm not talking like you're going

918
00:41:59,680 --> 00:42:02,319
Speaker 2: different job, different job, different job. They're at the same job,

919
00:42:02,360 --> 00:42:03,400
Speaker 2: it seems.

920
00:42:03,239 --> 00:42:06,279
Speaker 1: Or at least the same. I think there, he don't know.

921
00:42:07,120 --> 00:42:09,720
Speaker 1: I think he has he has the ability to snap

922
00:42:09,800 --> 00:42:12,680
Speaker 1: up those kinds. I think whatever that job, probably contract work.

923
00:42:12,800 --> 00:42:15,200
Speaker 1: But then he but he has all these other entrepreneurial

924
00:42:15,239 --> 00:42:15,880
Speaker 1: things he's doing.

925
00:42:16,000 --> 00:42:17,840
Speaker 2: Yeah, but none of them are none of them are

926
00:42:17,880 --> 00:42:20,279
Speaker 2: providing them stability. And if nothing in your life is

927
00:42:20,320 --> 00:42:22,879
Speaker 2: providing you stability and that is what you want, then

928
00:42:22,920 --> 00:42:26,000
Speaker 2: you have to look at alternatives. And that's not for him,

929
00:42:26,400 --> 00:42:28,480
Speaker 2: just for him, that's for both of you. And that's

930
00:42:28,520 --> 00:42:30,560
Speaker 2: my take on this story, And now I want to

931
00:42:30,560 --> 00:42:32,280
Speaker 2: read the update. Unless you have thoughts.

932
00:42:32,320 --> 00:42:34,839
Speaker 1: My take is just the same. Sometimes you gotta eat

933
00:42:34,840 --> 00:42:38,000
Speaker 1: a freaking crab sandwich and smile about it when you

934
00:42:38,080 --> 00:42:41,920
Speaker 1: don't want to because there's a there's a there's a

935
00:42:42,520 --> 00:42:45,440
Speaker 1: beautiful deli that's gonna make you like the best turkey

936
00:42:45,480 --> 00:42:47,960
Speaker 1: sandwich you've ever had at the end of this tunnel.

937
00:42:48,320 --> 00:42:50,799
Speaker 1: And right now you're in the crap sandwich tunnel, but

938
00:42:50,880 --> 00:42:53,839
Speaker 1: you're eating them for a reason because there's a light

939
00:42:53,960 --> 00:42:54,680
Speaker 1: at the end of it.

940
00:42:55,239 --> 00:42:57,839
Speaker 2: And Belton says, same feel, not the exact same job,

941
00:42:57,840 --> 00:42:59,719
Speaker 2: which is a good point, but still, I mean, like,

942
00:42:59,760 --> 00:43:02,200
Speaker 2: if the same field as not providing you any sort

943
00:43:02,200 --> 00:43:04,440
Speaker 2: of stability, then let's see if we can take a

944
00:43:04,480 --> 00:43:05,319
Speaker 2: little in tour.

945
00:43:06,160 --> 00:43:07,920
Speaker 1: Like the comments also said, are we sure it's not

946
00:43:08,200 --> 00:43:11,600
Speaker 1: moving every five months that's making you miserable?

947
00:43:11,680 --> 00:43:13,520
Speaker 2: That's also I think you have to look at like

948
00:43:13,640 --> 00:43:16,920
Speaker 2: what in your life is causing you so much instability?

949
00:43:16,920 --> 00:43:20,560
Speaker 2: And maybe it's moving. Maybe not having a stable place

950
00:43:20,600 --> 00:43:23,600
Speaker 2: to live for ten years is providing you a lack

951
00:43:23,640 --> 00:43:24,279
Speaker 2: of stability.

952
00:43:24,760 --> 00:43:28,879
Speaker 1: It is stability anyway. I'm going to the update. I'm

953
00:43:28,880 --> 00:43:32,160
Speaker 1: writing partly to sort out all of this in my

954
00:43:32,320 --> 00:43:35,960
Speaker 1: head and partly for outside perspectives. I don't even know

955
00:43:36,000 --> 00:43:38,600
Speaker 1: what to think anymore. Again, I'm happy to explain any

956
00:43:38,600 --> 00:43:41,359
Speaker 1: details that need fleshing out if it helps I'll try

957
00:43:41,360 --> 00:43:44,920
Speaker 1: to be concise, and I truly appreciate you reading. Nine

958
00:43:45,120 --> 00:43:48,840
Speaker 1: months ago, I posted asking for help about my frustration

959
00:43:48,920 --> 00:43:52,239
Speaker 1: with going back to work after my husband burned out

960
00:43:52,280 --> 00:43:55,359
Speaker 1: in his career. For the sake of anonymity, I tried

961
00:43:55,400 --> 00:43:57,920
Speaker 1: to be vague with the details, and many thought our

962
00:43:57,960 --> 00:44:00,920
Speaker 1: work was on the dodgy side. I don't care about

963
00:44:01,000 --> 00:44:04,480
Speaker 1: keeping it anonymous. All these factors are relevant. I am

964
00:44:04,520 --> 00:44:08,320
Speaker 1: an author. Myself published books and made a decent living

965
00:44:08,400 --> 00:44:11,200
Speaker 1: doing it for several years. My husband is a software

966
00:44:11,239 --> 00:44:15,839
Speaker 1: developer and mainly buys existing online companies and fixes them

967
00:44:15,920 --> 00:44:18,680
Speaker 1: up to sell. When that's not working, he tries to

968
00:44:18,719 --> 00:44:21,640
Speaker 1: work a normal nine to five, but typically lasts no

969
00:44:21,719 --> 00:44:24,879
Speaker 1: more than six months. His last attempt was one day.

970
00:44:25,040 --> 00:44:27,640
Speaker 1: My career before this was in the food industry, which

971
00:44:27,680 --> 00:44:31,239
Speaker 1: means crap pay, long hours, and very sore feet. I

972
00:44:31,280 --> 00:44:33,720
Speaker 1: got a job that pays ninety five percent of the bills.

973
00:44:33,760 --> 00:44:36,640
Speaker 1: The rest is covered by savings. Yeah, I'd rather be

974
00:44:36,719 --> 00:44:39,920
Speaker 1: working for myself, but I like it. I'm good at it.

975
00:44:39,920 --> 00:44:42,080
Speaker 1: It's the first time I actually enjoy going to work.

976
00:44:42,480 --> 00:44:44,880
Speaker 1: For the last few months, I've been slowly changing and

977
00:44:44,920 --> 00:44:47,240
Speaker 1: it feels like my husband and I are drifting apart.

978
00:44:47,680 --> 00:44:50,160
Speaker 1: At first, I thought it was a natural phase. Things

979
00:44:50,200 --> 00:44:52,719
Speaker 1: will definitely feel different compared to working under the same

980
00:44:52,800 --> 00:44:56,160
Speaker 1: roof all day and night. Now I don't know. And

981
00:44:56,200 --> 00:44:59,640
Speaker 1: here's some information from the previous thread. He says, if

982
00:44:59,680 --> 00:45:03,160
Speaker 1: you want those things, didn't make them happen, which fair

983
00:45:03,239 --> 00:45:07,799
Speaker 1: enough I completely agree with. No, what what do we?

984
00:45:08,440 --> 00:45:10,080
Speaker 1: I don't want to rely on him to provide the

985
00:45:10,120 --> 00:45:12,800
Speaker 1: life I want. However, it leaves me feeling a combination

986
00:45:12,840 --> 00:45:15,640
Speaker 1: of emotions I can't really put into words. Okay, this

987
00:45:15,719 --> 00:45:18,399
Speaker 1: is all just literally, Oh that was kind of okay.

988
00:45:18,440 --> 00:45:21,000
Speaker 1: This is this like if I was single, how would

989
00:45:21,040 --> 00:45:25,000
Speaker 1: I do this? But I'm not right? This is all repeated. Yes, okay,

990
00:45:25,280 --> 00:45:28,200
Speaker 1: I'm not right. Uh read that. Yeah, but it's like

991
00:45:28,400 --> 00:45:30,640
Speaker 1: the remixing. And not only that, I'm not sure I

992
00:45:30,680 --> 00:45:33,160
Speaker 1: can make enough money to support us. But now I

993
00:45:33,239 --> 00:45:35,919
Speaker 1: am making enough money to support us, and it feels good.

994
00:45:36,080 --> 00:45:38,480
Speaker 1: It's given me confidence in a way I haven't had before.

995
00:45:38,880 --> 00:45:42,000
Speaker 1: But it's also made something glaringly obvious in our relationship.

996
00:45:42,440 --> 00:45:45,799
Speaker 1: We disagree on just about everything, and we have very

997
00:45:45,800 --> 00:45:48,400
Speaker 1: little in common. Getting a job was the thing that

998
00:45:48,480 --> 00:45:50,759
Speaker 1: made you realize this. Oh, he's like, I got a

999
00:45:50,800 --> 00:45:52,760
Speaker 1: good job. I don't like my husband.

1000
00:45:53,360 --> 00:45:56,600
Speaker 2: I mean on it, okay, yeah, Like I understand, we're

1001
00:45:56,640 --> 00:45:59,520
Speaker 2: all like, oh, pee, that was pretty obvious. However, I

1002
00:45:59,560 --> 00:46:02,840
Speaker 2: think for her, it's like she's finally able to support

1003
00:46:02,880 --> 00:46:06,440
Speaker 2: herself on her own and then she's realizing, Wow, my

1004
00:46:06,640 --> 00:46:10,640
Speaker 2: husband doesn't even care about like our partnership, like us.

1005
00:46:10,840 --> 00:46:13,320
Speaker 1: And look, I have to clarify because I saw some comments,

1006
00:46:13,719 --> 00:46:16,840
Speaker 1: and as a former restaurant grunt, I would never be

1007
00:46:16,920 --> 00:46:18,880
Speaker 1: like it's like the easiest job in the world or anything.

1008
00:46:19,200 --> 00:46:21,479
Speaker 1: It's more just perspective. There are jobs that are harder

1009
00:46:21,480 --> 00:46:23,520
Speaker 1: than that and are more of a toll on your body.

1010
00:46:23,760 --> 00:46:25,759
Speaker 1: And guess what if the first thing you think about

1011
00:46:25,760 --> 00:46:28,160
Speaker 1: your job is that it's terrible and it's breaking my

1012
00:46:28,200 --> 00:46:30,200
Speaker 1: back and it's hard and it hurts and I hate it.

1013
00:46:30,320 --> 00:46:32,560
Speaker 1: Guess what, when you go into work that job, you're

1014
00:46:32,560 --> 00:46:35,520
Speaker 1: gonna be miserable. But if you do a little cognitive

1015
00:46:35,560 --> 00:46:37,680
Speaker 1: reframing and you go, you know what, there are some

1016
00:46:37,719 --> 00:46:39,359
Speaker 1: good parts about my job, and you think about those

1017
00:46:39,920 --> 00:46:43,239
Speaker 1: instead of ooh the bad stuff, Guess what, it makes

1018
00:46:43,239 --> 00:46:44,160
Speaker 1: it easier to go to your job.

1019
00:46:44,200 --> 00:46:46,319
Speaker 2: I do think that I'll ope is using that as

1020
00:46:46,360 --> 00:46:48,200
Speaker 2: like a way to be like, this is what I

1021
00:46:48,320 --> 00:46:49,920
Speaker 2: used to do and I hated it, And now I

1022
00:46:49,920 --> 00:46:51,839
Speaker 2: have a job that I love and I'm realizing, Wow,

1023
00:46:51,880 --> 00:46:54,040
Speaker 2: there's so much better stuff in life.

1024
00:46:54,120 --> 00:46:56,000
Speaker 1: I'm happy to work on my riding on the side

1025
00:46:56,040 --> 00:46:58,319
Speaker 1: while I work. He thinks I've given up on our

1026
00:46:58,440 --> 00:47:00,920
Speaker 1: dream and have settled for a while. World that is

1027
00:47:01,080 --> 00:47:03,680
Speaker 1: just nine to five Monday through Friday, and he is

1028
00:47:03,880 --> 00:47:06,840
Speaker 1: loath to spend time in it. He sold his business

1029
00:47:06,840 --> 00:47:08,920
Speaker 1: and is still figuring out what he wants to do next.

1030
00:47:09,320 --> 00:47:11,480
Speaker 1: I want to buy a flat in the city. He

1031
00:47:11,520 --> 00:47:13,760
Speaker 1: wants to move to the country, or use our savings

1032
00:47:13,760 --> 00:47:16,319
Speaker 1: to travel or live remotely. I want to settle for

1033
00:47:16,360 --> 00:47:18,719
Speaker 1: a while and make friends. He thinks there's plenty of

1034
00:47:18,800 --> 00:47:20,680
Speaker 1: time for that in the future. I want to make

1035
00:47:20,719 --> 00:47:23,400
Speaker 1: our home cozy and put up decorations like photos and artwork.

1036
00:47:23,480 --> 00:47:25,920
Speaker 1: While he likes it, he thinks of it all as

1037
00:47:26,040 --> 00:47:29,040
Speaker 1: just pointless stuff. We shouldn't waste money. I could go on,

1038
00:47:29,160 --> 00:47:31,680
Speaker 1: but you get it. It feels like literally everything I

1039
00:47:31,840 --> 00:47:35,640
Speaker 1: like he hates. I've also realized that most of the moves,

1040
00:47:35,680 --> 00:47:38,239
Speaker 1: most of the big, big decisions, were things I went

1041
00:47:38,320 --> 00:47:41,160
Speaker 1: along with I'm not saying he bullied me or anything,

1042
00:47:41,480 --> 00:47:43,560
Speaker 1: just that I didn't feel too strongly one way or

1043
00:47:43,560 --> 00:47:46,160
Speaker 1: the other, so I tended to go with what he wanted.

1044
00:47:46,440 --> 00:47:48,759
Speaker 1: Of course we talked about it, but it rarely was

1045
00:47:48,800 --> 00:47:50,880
Speaker 1: me putting in the bulk of the income, so I

1046
00:47:50,880 --> 00:47:53,200
Speaker 1: didn't feel like I had much of his say. Now

1047
00:47:53,239 --> 00:47:55,840
Speaker 1: I feel strongly about a life direction and have the

1048
00:47:55,880 --> 00:47:59,640
Speaker 1: ability to make it happen, and I feel guilty. He

1049
00:47:59,680 --> 00:48:02,080
Speaker 1: says I've changed that he is the same person as

1050
00:48:02,080 --> 00:48:04,840
Speaker 1: he's always been and wants the same things he's always wanted.

1051
00:48:05,200 --> 00:48:08,319
Speaker 1: This is me altering the situation, which I agree with.

1052
00:48:08,719 --> 00:48:11,200
Speaker 1: But it's not like it's this massive bait and switch

1053
00:48:11,280 --> 00:48:16,560
Speaker 1: plan our entire marriage. I've talked about settling down. I'm rambling.

1054
00:48:17,239 --> 00:48:19,520
Speaker 1: Here's the way I see it. We both love each

1055
00:48:19,520 --> 00:48:21,719
Speaker 1: other and genuinely want to make the other happy, which

1056
00:48:21,760 --> 00:48:24,680
Speaker 1: is why for ten years we've both compromised on choices

1057
00:48:24,880 --> 00:48:27,840
Speaker 1: that go against what we individually want. He goes to

1058
00:48:27,880 --> 00:48:29,560
Speaker 1: work for a little while so I can have a

1059
00:48:29,560 --> 00:48:34,359
Speaker 1: semi stable girl. Him having a job is not a compromise, right,

1060
00:48:34,960 --> 00:48:35,839
Speaker 1: Do we see that?

1061
00:48:36,160 --> 00:48:38,040
Speaker 2: I think she's seeing it now, though, I think that's

1062
00:48:38,080 --> 00:48:40,480
Speaker 2: the whole point of this update, is that she's saying, Wow,

1063
00:48:40,520 --> 00:48:43,360
Speaker 2: we are totally different people and we want totally different things,

1064
00:48:43,880 --> 00:48:46,960
Speaker 2: And now that I can support myself, I'm gonna scooch.

1065
00:48:47,239 --> 00:48:48,840
Speaker 1: He goes to work for a little while so I

1066
00:48:48,880 --> 00:48:51,560
Speaker 1: can have a semi stable home. I bounce around the

1067
00:48:51,560 --> 00:48:54,160
Speaker 1: world with him so he can discover himself in his career.

1068
00:48:54,600 --> 00:48:57,240
Speaker 1: But our tolerance for these periods have become too short

1069
00:48:57,280 --> 00:49:01,040
Speaker 1: to manage. He physically can't work. For another part. If

1070
00:49:01,080 --> 00:49:04,480
Speaker 1: I could roll my eyes across the floor, I would

1071
00:49:04,480 --> 00:49:09,320
Speaker 1: do it. I have a so much take on that.

1072
00:49:09,320 --> 00:49:12,799
Speaker 2: That's the thing. Now we're learning that what he sees

1073
00:49:12,840 --> 00:49:16,680
Speaker 2: as miserable is not just like terrible workplace blah blah blah.

1074
00:49:16,760 --> 00:49:21,160
Speaker 2: It's he literally cannot work for another person. That's why

1075
00:49:21,200 --> 00:49:23,160
Speaker 2: he wants to be an entrepreneur so bad. But he's

1076
00:49:23,200 --> 00:49:25,960
Speaker 2: not a good entrepreneur. Sometimes you have to work for

1077
00:49:26,000 --> 00:49:29,080
Speaker 2: other people. That's that's how it works. And he can't

1078
00:49:29,080 --> 00:49:29,680
Speaker 2: get over that.

1079
00:49:29,800 --> 00:49:32,480
Speaker 1: I want to scream when I think about packing up

1080
00:49:32,480 --> 00:49:35,160
Speaker 1: my stuff and starting over again. Have we just spent

1081
00:49:35,280 --> 00:49:38,040
Speaker 1: so much of our marriage being distracted by the exciting

1082
00:49:38,200 --> 00:49:41,440
Speaker 1: newness of moving and pushing for financial independence that we

1083
00:49:41,480 --> 00:49:44,960
Speaker 1: didn't notice how little we have in common otherwise. I

1084
00:49:45,000 --> 00:49:47,160
Speaker 1: can't help but feel like this is on me, not

1085
00:49:47,280 --> 00:49:49,719
Speaker 1: my fault, per se, but on my shoulders. I'm the

1086
00:49:49,760 --> 00:49:52,960
Speaker 1: one rocking the status quo, and if I want things

1087
00:49:53,000 --> 00:49:56,040
Speaker 1: to balance out, it's up to me to adjust my expectations.

1088
00:49:56,239 --> 00:49:57,520
Speaker 2: I just need to know if they break up.

1089
00:49:57,600 --> 00:49:59,839
Speaker 1: Oh, he's like, is it on me for having free

1090
00:50:00,080 --> 00:50:03,560
Speaker 1: ill to like want things that are different than what

1091
00:50:03,560 --> 00:50:04,359
Speaker 1: my husband does?

1092
00:50:04,640 --> 00:50:07,759
Speaker 3: Really, gotta get out of there, gotta get out, let's leave.

1093
00:50:08,360 --> 00:50:11,320
Speaker 2: Oh, guys want fundamentally different things.

1094
00:50:11,560 --> 00:50:16,120
Speaker 1: Free will wait? But is this just guilt? Guys? Come on?

1095
00:50:16,480 --> 00:50:19,280
Speaker 1: Update number two. I was recently cleaning out my bookmarks

1096
00:50:19,320 --> 00:50:21,640
Speaker 1: and found this old throwaway and obviously the two posts

1097
00:50:21,680 --> 00:50:23,880
Speaker 1: I'd made with it. I'm not sure why now I

1098
00:50:23,920 --> 00:50:26,280
Speaker 1: feel compelled to write a follow up, but here it goes.

1099
00:50:26,760 --> 00:50:29,040
Speaker 1: Maybe it'll give people the bravery to change, or at

1100
00:50:29,120 --> 00:50:30,840
Speaker 1: least an example of how sticking with what you know

1101
00:50:31,080 --> 00:50:33,399
Speaker 1: isn't always the best choice. The best things in life

1102
00:50:33,400 --> 00:50:36,080
Speaker 1: are often on the opposite side of fear. To keep

1103
00:50:36,120 --> 00:50:39,880
Speaker 1: that in mind, and obviously very long story short, with

1104
00:50:39,960 --> 00:50:42,319
Speaker 1: the help of those posts and a lot of long

1105
00:50:42,400 --> 00:50:44,000
Speaker 1: nights of thinking I left my husband.

1106
00:50:44,400 --> 00:50:45,680
Speaker 2: Yeah.

1107
00:50:45,920 --> 00:50:47,879
Speaker 1: In fact, it took him going away for a long

1108
00:50:47,920 --> 00:50:50,960
Speaker 1: weekend to realize how much happier and at peace I

1109
00:50:51,040 --> 00:50:54,040
Speaker 1: felt without him around. At first, the split was amicable,

1110
00:50:54,080 --> 00:50:56,000
Speaker 1: but looking back, I think he was just waiting for

1111
00:50:56,040 --> 00:50:58,480
Speaker 1: me to come rushing back to him. Once I realized

1112
00:50:58,520 --> 00:51:01,960
Speaker 1: my mistake quote unquote, when that didn't happen and he

1113
00:51:02,000 --> 00:51:04,160
Speaker 1: could see I was actually serious about building a new

1114
00:51:04,200 --> 00:51:07,520
Speaker 1: life for myself, he flipped the switch. We only spoke

1115
00:51:07,560 --> 00:51:10,200
Speaker 1: when he needed something from me, and eventually that stopped too.

1116
00:51:10,640 --> 00:51:13,799
Speaker 1: But enough about him. I'm now forty two, happier and

1117
00:51:13,840 --> 00:51:16,560
Speaker 1: healthier and more satisfied than I've been my whole life.

1118
00:51:16,920 --> 00:51:18,920
Speaker 1: That picked me, and that was the best choice I

1119
00:51:18,920 --> 00:51:21,520
Speaker 1: could have ever made. I lived alone for the first time,

1120
00:51:21,600 --> 00:51:24,560
Speaker 1: and my God, the peace of having my own space

1121
00:51:24,640 --> 00:51:27,680
Speaker 1: is unrivaled. I ended up staying in that apartment for

1122
00:51:27,719 --> 00:51:31,839
Speaker 1: five years, not moving a box in sight. I put

1123
00:51:31,960 --> 00:51:34,399
Speaker 1: art on the walls, I knew my neighbors, I made

1124
00:51:34,440 --> 00:51:37,240
Speaker 1: a home. I grew my career and went back to school,

1125
00:51:37,600 --> 00:51:40,080
Speaker 1: made friends and built a little community. I've done a

1126
00:51:40,080 --> 00:51:42,520
Speaker 1: ton of therapy and realized that the harmful patterns my

1127
00:51:42,560 --> 00:51:45,680
Speaker 1: parents created in childhood were just repeating with my ex.

1128
00:51:46,120 --> 00:51:49,160
Speaker 1: I fell in love, a real love, a supportive love

1129
00:51:49,200 --> 00:51:52,920
Speaker 1: that encourages growth and security. I'm doing new work that

1130
00:51:53,000 --> 00:51:56,280
Speaker 1: helps people and is so much more than just chasing money.

1131
00:51:56,719 --> 00:51:58,759
Speaker 1: All of those things have created a life that's more

1132
00:51:58,800 --> 00:52:01,440
Speaker 1: of rewarding than I ever thought possible for myself.

1133
00:52:01,520 --> 00:52:04,320
Speaker 2: But there we go. Hope, he's done it.

1134
00:52:03,920 --> 00:52:07,080
Speaker 1: It's gaped. We've got a good ending. Like it.

1135
00:52:07,480 --> 00:52:10,080
Speaker 2: She's out of that situation, and she's got a good

1136
00:52:10,160 --> 00:52:12,120
Speaker 2: job and she's still a writer.

1137
00:52:13,239 --> 00:52:17,120
Speaker 1: Yes, indeed, m M, I don't know if I don't

1138
00:52:17,160 --> 00:52:20,920
Speaker 1: know if she's a well she said she was fairly successful. Cowboy,

1139
00:52:21,040 --> 00:52:25,239
Speaker 1: little cowboy emoji's in the chat. Let's finish this story off.

1140
00:52:25,480 --> 00:52:31,200
Speaker 1: I've gone through some really crappy times too, illness, cancer, shares, loss, grief,

1141
00:52:31,360 --> 00:52:32,960
Speaker 1: But I have no idea how I would have come

1142
00:52:32,960 --> 00:52:35,040
Speaker 1: out on the other side without the community I've built

1143
00:52:35,080 --> 00:52:37,520
Speaker 1: around me. Even something as simple as people at your

1144
00:52:37,520 --> 00:52:40,680
Speaker 1: local coffee shop recognizing you is a comfort after feeling

1145
00:52:40,680 --> 00:52:43,160
Speaker 1: adrift and alone for so long. If I were to

1146
00:52:43,200 --> 00:52:45,400
Speaker 1: respond to myself from seven years ago, this is what

1147
00:52:45,440 --> 00:52:49,520
Speaker 1: I would say, Leave the loser. He doesn't care about you,

1148
00:52:49,560 --> 00:52:51,759
Speaker 1: and he never did. He only cares about what you

1149
00:52:51,800 --> 00:52:54,160
Speaker 1: can do for him, And now that you aren't serving him,

1150
00:52:54,560 --> 00:52:57,880
Speaker 1: just go. You are capable of doing difficult things, and

1151
00:52:57,920 --> 00:52:59,880
Speaker 1: you are worthy of the work it takes to accomplish

1152
00:52:59,920 --> 00:53:03,320
Speaker 1: the trust your abilities, trust your gut. It's been screaming

1153
00:53:03,320 --> 00:53:05,440
Speaker 1: at you for years now. Honey, life can be so

1154
00:53:05,520 --> 00:53:07,680
Speaker 1: much more than you've experienced, but you have to make

1155
00:53:07,719 --> 00:53:11,120
Speaker 1: it happen for yourself. There's an edit. I'm surprised but

1156
00:53:11,200 --> 00:53:13,560
Speaker 1: happy this found so many people. I genuinely thought I

1157
00:53:13,600 --> 00:53:15,480
Speaker 1: was going to bookend this story and have it disappear

1158
00:53:15,560 --> 00:53:17,960
Speaker 1: into the ether or whatever urge I had to write it.

1159
00:53:18,000 --> 00:53:20,520
Speaker 1: And whatever brought you to reading it. Who knows, maybe

1160
00:53:20,520 --> 00:53:22,600
Speaker 1: it was meant to be. Thank you for all your

1161
00:53:22,600 --> 00:53:25,120
Speaker 1: messages and comments. I feel so grateful to have this

1162
00:53:25,160 --> 00:53:28,280
Speaker 1: perspective and experience. And that is the end of that story.

1163
00:53:28,760 --> 00:53:32,480
Speaker 1: They go, they go, Hey, it's Sam. We're going to

1164
00:53:32,520 --> 00:53:34,360
Speaker 1: get back to these stories. But here's three minutes of

1165
00:53:34,400 --> 00:53:35,440
Speaker 1: ads from our sponsors.

1166
00:53:36,040 --> 00:53:38,719
Speaker 2: I discovered how much my husband has saved in the

1167
00:53:38,719 --> 00:53:41,000
Speaker 2: past years. I'm not happy.

1168
00:53:41,200 --> 00:53:44,000
Speaker 1: Never let him tell you size doesn't matter about savings.

1169
00:53:44,160 --> 00:53:46,719
Speaker 2: Husband and I have been together nine years, married for

1170
00:53:46,800 --> 00:53:51,239
Speaker 2: three now. We've always had completely separate finances. I came

1171
00:53:51,280 --> 00:53:53,760
Speaker 2: from a poor family and my parents fought about money

1172
00:53:53,800 --> 00:53:57,680
Speaker 2: constantly because my mother was incapable of balancing it. My

1173
00:53:57,800 --> 00:54:00,920
Speaker 2: dad managed it all and taught me how. I've always

1174
00:54:00,960 --> 00:54:03,440
Speaker 2: been wary of having anyone else involved in my money,

1175
00:54:03,880 --> 00:54:06,319
Speaker 2: and I never wanted to fight like my parents, so

1176
00:54:06,360 --> 00:54:09,000
Speaker 2: I've been happy to separate everything. By the way, this

1177
00:54:09,080 --> 00:54:12,040
Speaker 2: comes from WTF Taxes three and if you want to

1178
00:54:12,080 --> 00:54:14,080
Speaker 2: sumit your own stories, go to the r slash Okay

1179
00:54:14,080 --> 00:54:17,520
Speaker 2: storytime separated. I was poor throughout college and worked my

1180
00:54:17,640 --> 00:54:20,120
Speaker 2: butt off to get scholarships and land a great job.

1181
00:54:20,600 --> 00:54:22,799
Speaker 2: I have made good money for four years and have

1182
00:54:22,880 --> 00:54:26,040
Speaker 2: a nice balance between saving and spending. I paid off

1183
00:54:26,080 --> 00:54:28,120
Speaker 2: all my student loans in the first two years of

1184
00:54:28,160 --> 00:54:32,040
Speaker 2: working and am quite proud of myself considering my upbringing

1185
00:54:32,080 --> 00:54:35,800
Speaker 2: and financial hardships in early life. My husband supported himself

1186
00:54:35,840 --> 00:54:38,560
Speaker 2: for years before he met me and paid his bills

1187
00:54:38,600 --> 00:54:40,759
Speaker 2: on time, and has not given me reason to doubt

1188
00:54:40,840 --> 00:54:43,520
Speaker 2: him in regards to money. He pays for his car

1189
00:54:43,680 --> 00:54:46,319
Speaker 2: and our utilities, and we split food and I pay

1190
00:54:46,360 --> 00:54:49,520
Speaker 2: my car and rent which is not quite doable utilities,

1191
00:54:49,560 --> 00:54:52,200
Speaker 2: but I make more, so it's pretty fair. He's never

1192
00:54:52,320 --> 00:54:55,120
Speaker 2: late and conducts himself in a mature manner with money,

1193
00:54:55,760 --> 00:54:59,000
Speaker 2: so I thought we do talk about money and budget

1194
00:54:58,719 --> 00:55:01,879
Speaker 2: for things we want to do or buy, and each

1195
00:55:01,880 --> 00:55:04,600
Speaker 2: of us contributes using our own funds. I guess we

1196
00:55:04,680 --> 00:55:07,680
Speaker 2: just don't nag each other about savings. And I'm realizing

1197
00:55:07,719 --> 00:55:12,000
Speaker 2: he's quite immature about money now, which surprises me, since

1198
00:55:12,040 --> 00:55:14,600
Speaker 2: I'm the younger one intend to learn from him all

1199
00:55:14,640 --> 00:55:17,360
Speaker 2: the time. He's rarely behind me in anything shy of

1200
00:55:17,400 --> 00:55:18,719
Speaker 2: the field I specialize in.

1201
00:55:19,160 --> 00:55:19,399
Speaker 3: Now.

1202
00:55:19,440 --> 00:55:21,399
Speaker 2: We just bought a house last month, and that's when

1203
00:55:21,440 --> 00:55:25,359
Speaker 2: I realized he didn't save much. He had four K

1204
00:55:25,480 --> 00:55:27,799
Speaker 2: and savings and was really proud of himself for it,

1205
00:55:28,239 --> 00:55:31,000
Speaker 2: the most he's ever had. I was shocked that was

1206
00:55:31,040 --> 00:55:32,960
Speaker 2: all he had. I save for us, and I have

1207
00:55:33,000 --> 00:55:36,000
Speaker 2: college funds set up for my siblings. I contribute to monthly,

1208
00:55:36,120 --> 00:55:39,640
Speaker 2: which totaled out to eighteen thousand dollars last two years.

1209
00:55:39,680 --> 00:55:42,000
Speaker 2: I've had a couple surgeries. I am still paying off

1210
00:55:42,000 --> 00:55:44,560
Speaker 2: as well, so I don't have a huge nest egg,

1211
00:55:44,680 --> 00:55:47,080
Speaker 2: but enough to cover a down payment and still save

1212
00:55:47,200 --> 00:55:50,880
Speaker 2: small amounts here and there, but yeah, working for four years,

1213
00:55:50,920 --> 00:55:54,000
Speaker 2: I have paid off my loans, saved for college funds

1214
00:55:54,000 --> 00:55:56,760
Speaker 2: for two other people, and also save for my husband

1215
00:55:56,800 --> 00:55:58,919
Speaker 2: and I. He has been working the whole time i've

1216
00:55:58,920 --> 00:56:01,080
Speaker 2: known him, with no debt but a car payment, and

1217
00:56:01,200 --> 00:56:02,600
Speaker 2: managed four K.

1218
00:56:02,880 --> 00:56:04,840
Speaker 1: But like, what is he doing and what are you

1219
00:56:04,920 --> 00:56:07,880
Speaker 1: doing that? Because it sounds like you're doing something that's

1220
00:56:08,040 --> 00:56:10,640
Speaker 1: different than what he's doing. Well, if you guys were

1221
00:56:10,800 --> 00:56:13,560
Speaker 1: working for me, she's literally identically the same jobs, this

1222
00:56:13,600 --> 00:56:14,439
Speaker 1: point would have weight.

1223
00:56:14,960 --> 00:56:16,520
Speaker 2: Well, we don't know what he's we don't.

1224
00:56:16,680 --> 00:56:19,000
Speaker 1: We don't know, right, Well, so I think we're gon

1225
00:56:19,040 --> 00:56:20,200
Speaker 1: find out. Yeah, let's find out.

1226
00:56:20,280 --> 00:56:22,640
Speaker 2: Anyway, I'm doing taxes for us as I do every

1227
00:56:22,680 --> 00:56:25,279
Speaker 2: year on my own. And when he changed jobs last year,

1228
00:56:25,320 --> 00:56:30,360
Speaker 2: he wasn't offered insurance or retirement, instead in insurance credit,

1229
00:56:30,719 --> 00:56:33,480
Speaker 2: which I thought he saved to get insurance through the marketplace,

1230
00:56:33,880 --> 00:56:36,279
Speaker 2: which I told him over and over was necessary within

1231
00:56:36,320 --> 00:56:39,640
Speaker 2: three months, But come to find out, he didn't, and

1232
00:56:39,680 --> 00:56:42,040
Speaker 2: we owe all of the refund and then some we'd

1233
00:56:42,120 --> 00:56:45,840
Speaker 2: get and he has not been contributing to retirement either

1234
00:56:45,880 --> 00:56:48,440
Speaker 2: at all. He didn't even start until he was twenty

1235
00:56:48,480 --> 00:56:50,960
Speaker 2: seven and I saved twelve percent of my salary to

1236
00:56:50,960 --> 00:56:52,920
Speaker 2: make up the difference for that, so I'm not happy

1237
00:56:53,480 --> 00:56:56,040
Speaker 2: he needs to save for it. Between that and realizing

1238
00:56:56,080 --> 00:56:59,759
Speaker 2: his savings is literally nothing. After signing house papers, I'm free,

1239
00:56:59,840 --> 00:57:02,480
Speaker 2: I'm I'm feeling pretty bitter. I'm trying to handle this

1240
00:57:02,560 --> 00:57:05,040
Speaker 2: maturely and not just blow up. I don't want to

1241
00:57:05,080 --> 00:57:08,040
Speaker 2: monitor his spending or anything. I know that would be

1242
00:57:08,120 --> 00:57:10,600
Speaker 2: a disaster, but we've got to come to some agreement

1243
00:57:10,640 --> 00:57:13,520
Speaker 2: where he starts managing his money better. We have a

1244
00:57:13,520 --> 00:57:17,360
Speaker 2: good relationship of respect and usually communicate well, and this

1245
00:57:17,480 --> 00:57:20,320
Speaker 2: isn't at a point to throw things away over, especially

1246
00:57:20,360 --> 00:57:22,920
Speaker 2: considering the house purchase. But I can see the snowballing

1247
00:57:23,000 --> 00:57:26,080
Speaker 2: if I don't step up and insist on some changes.

1248
00:57:26,720 --> 00:57:29,680
Speaker 2: His solution is to file taxes separately and then pay

1249
00:57:29,680 --> 00:57:31,800
Speaker 2: the fees on a credit card he carries a balance

1250
00:57:31,840 --> 00:57:34,800
Speaker 2: on so it doesn't impact my refund. Not an option

1251
00:57:34,920 --> 00:57:37,560
Speaker 2: to file separately, and I feel that doesn't address anything.

1252
00:57:37,840 --> 00:57:41,000
Speaker 2: I'm also afraid to tear him down, considering he's genuinely

1253
00:57:41,040 --> 00:57:43,640
Speaker 2: proud of his savings going up lately and has been

1254
00:57:43,680 --> 00:57:46,280
Speaker 2: trying to stick to budget since the house I don't

1255
00:57:46,320 --> 00:57:49,120
Speaker 2: want to discourage him making positive changes, but I'm super

1256
00:57:49,160 --> 00:57:52,840
Speaker 2: pissed off and feel somewhat taken advantage of that. He'll

1257
00:57:52,840 --> 00:57:56,600
Speaker 2: be thirty seven soon and needs to do something. I

1258
00:57:56,600 --> 00:57:58,680
Speaker 2: can't believe. I didn't know he had never had more

1259
00:57:58,720 --> 00:58:01,520
Speaker 2: than four K in his savings ever and thinks for

1260
00:58:01,560 --> 00:58:04,160
Speaker 2: that age that's great. Or am I being a nag

1261
00:58:04,280 --> 00:58:06,520
Speaker 2: like I've been told? I honestly don't know how to

1262
00:58:06,560 --> 00:58:09,520
Speaker 2: handle money with anyone other than myself, and I'm really

1263
00:58:09,680 --> 00:58:12,000
Speaker 2: up tired about my own stuff and go over weekly.

1264
00:58:12,240 --> 00:58:15,280
Speaker 2: Maybe I expect too much and there is an update.

1265
00:58:15,520 --> 00:58:18,160
Speaker 1: Nina is Neilsen in the chat's got the they got

1266
00:58:18,200 --> 00:58:18,920
Speaker 1: the comment.

1267
00:58:18,760 --> 00:58:21,800
Speaker 2: Op sounds condescending and that annoys me. But husband sounds

1268
00:58:21,840 --> 00:58:24,120
Speaker 2: like he's either a manchild or too stubborn to ask

1269
00:58:24,160 --> 00:58:25,920
Speaker 2: for help too. So I think everyone is an a

1270
00:58:26,000 --> 00:58:28,800
Speaker 2: hole in that relationship. I think a little bit. Yeah,

1271
00:58:29,080 --> 00:58:33,000
Speaker 2: I think I think Ope would be somewhat in the

1272
00:58:33,040 --> 00:58:34,600
Speaker 2: wrong if she went to her husband and was like,

1273
00:58:34,880 --> 00:58:38,400
Speaker 2: for nothing, you sack, blah blah blah. However, I also

1274
00:58:38,560 --> 00:58:42,120
Speaker 2: think that you know, if they want to get where

1275
00:58:42,160 --> 00:58:44,600
Speaker 2: they're both want to be in life, they probably both

1276
00:58:44,680 --> 00:58:47,440
Speaker 2: need to make some concessions to save up in that,

1277
00:58:47,680 --> 00:58:51,560
Speaker 2: you know, for that. I also think that this probably

1278
00:58:51,600 --> 00:58:56,720
Speaker 2: arose in part because she wanted so much separation and finances.

1279
00:58:56,760 --> 00:58:59,200
Speaker 2: I'm not saying that she's wrong to want separate finances,

1280
00:58:59,200 --> 00:59:02,800
Speaker 2: but I feel like that kind of bread we don't

1281
00:59:02,800 --> 00:59:06,360
Speaker 2: even talk about each other's finances because she says that

1282
00:59:06,440 --> 00:59:08,360
Speaker 2: I didn't even know that he's never had more than

1283
00:59:08,360 --> 00:59:10,360
Speaker 2: four K, And I feel like, if you've never known

1284
00:59:10,440 --> 00:59:13,760
Speaker 2: that and you got married exactly, why didn't we know that?

1285
00:59:13,840 --> 00:59:15,360
Speaker 2: You need to be able to talk about it. You

1286
00:59:15,440 --> 00:59:16,920
Speaker 2: need to be able to talk about that. And I

1287
00:59:16,920 --> 00:59:19,800
Speaker 2: think that because she was so like, let's not have

1288
00:59:19,920 --> 00:59:22,840
Speaker 2: any connection here, they didn't talk about that.

1289
00:59:22,800 --> 00:59:26,320
Speaker 1: Finance, which, you know, there's also a perspective I think

1290
00:59:26,360 --> 00:59:28,560
Speaker 1: we're missing here, which is that like four K saved

1291
00:59:28,640 --> 00:59:31,320
Speaker 1: up with zero debt, is you're actually wealthier than the

1292
00:59:31,440 --> 00:59:34,720
Speaker 1: vast majority of people on the face of the planet. Like, yeah,

1293
00:59:34,760 --> 00:59:38,479
Speaker 1: that's actually with the no debt conveat, but like, yeah,

1294
00:59:38,480 --> 00:59:41,080
Speaker 1: that's not like it's not I don't know, she's it's

1295
00:59:41,160 --> 00:59:44,640
Speaker 1: just the everything's coming from the wrong place on both sides.

1296
00:59:44,880 --> 00:59:47,720
Speaker 2: Yeah, I agree, I think there's yeah.

1297
00:59:47,520 --> 00:59:48,360
Speaker 1: Lack of communication.

1298
00:59:48,520 --> 00:59:52,120
Speaker 2: Update, husband doesn't save enough money. Never had reason to

1299
00:59:52,160 --> 00:59:54,680
Speaker 2: distrust his word on this, as he is otherwise responsible

1300
00:59:54,680 --> 00:59:56,880
Speaker 2: with money. Now I know we need to at least

1301
00:59:56,920 --> 00:59:59,280
Speaker 2: have some joint savings account and try to figure out

1302
00:59:59,320 --> 01:00:01,800
Speaker 2: how to broach this subject. So I ran numbers, came

1303
01:00:01,880 --> 01:00:04,280
Speaker 2: up with solutions of a joint savings account with what

1304
01:00:04,560 --> 01:00:08,000
Speaker 2: we'd each need to contribute each paycheck for savings and retirement.

1305
01:00:08,400 --> 01:00:11,160
Speaker 2: Explained in a calm, neutral fashion that something needed to

1306
01:00:11,240 --> 01:00:13,800
Speaker 2: change and we needed to join our savings because clearly

1307
01:00:13,840 --> 01:00:16,240
Speaker 2: he wasn't doing what he had been telling me, and

1308
01:00:16,280 --> 01:00:18,360
Speaker 2: now we are in debt for it and unable to

1309
01:00:18,400 --> 01:00:20,920
Speaker 2: move forward with plans. Oh, now they're in debt for it.

1310
01:00:21,000 --> 01:00:22,560
Speaker 2: That's but how did gentlemen?

1311
01:00:22,680 --> 01:00:26,160
Speaker 1: How did you pull the trigger on a house without

1312
01:00:26,320 --> 01:00:28,840
Speaker 1: knowing your exact everyone's finances?

1313
01:00:29,040 --> 01:00:31,200
Speaker 2: Yes, that is a huge point. That is a huge point.

1314
01:00:31,240 --> 01:00:32,280
Speaker 2: Why did we not talk about this?

1315
01:00:32,400 --> 01:00:35,640
Speaker 1: Like? How did the bank close on the house? Yeah?

1316
01:00:35,520 --> 01:00:36,760
Speaker 1: Who made you permission?

1317
01:00:36,920 --> 01:00:38,680
Speaker 2: Means says, I think it's not about the savings. But

1318
01:00:38,680 --> 01:00:40,680
Speaker 2: he's not prepared financially in this big move they're doing,

1319
01:00:40,680 --> 01:00:44,080
Speaker 2: which is buying house. Yes, why did she not know

1320
01:00:44,400 --> 01:00:47,160
Speaker 2: why was he like, yeah, four thousands enough to buy

1321
01:00:47,200 --> 01:00:47,640
Speaker 2: a house.

1322
01:00:47,800 --> 01:00:49,840
Speaker 1: Okay, but so did they not so they haven't bought

1323
01:00:49,840 --> 01:00:51,640
Speaker 1: the house, or they did buy the house, is now

1324
01:00:51,680 --> 01:00:52,600
Speaker 1: we're in debt for it.

1325
01:00:52,720 --> 01:00:55,280
Speaker 2: He also was not withholding near enough taxes at his

1326
01:00:55,360 --> 01:00:57,720
Speaker 2: new job and needs to fix that. So I'm not

1327
01:00:57,800 --> 01:01:01,040
Speaker 2: paying seventy five percent more than him and then owing

1328
01:01:01,080 --> 01:01:03,880
Speaker 2: money in the end anyway, to clarify, he makes eighty

1329
01:01:03,880 --> 01:01:06,800
Speaker 2: percent of what I do. Most stuff is split closer

1330
01:01:06,800 --> 01:01:08,760
Speaker 2: to him paying only about half of what I do,

1331
01:01:08,800 --> 01:01:09,840
Speaker 2: so he can afford his car.

1332
01:01:10,000 --> 01:01:13,560
Speaker 1: Well, that's clearly a lack of financial literacy.

1333
01:01:13,720 --> 01:01:15,480
Speaker 2: Yeah, which they need to talk about. Well, it feels

1334
01:01:15,480 --> 01:01:16,520
Speaker 2: like it's talking.

1335
01:01:16,640 --> 01:01:19,400
Speaker 1: But yeah, if you've never known what they are the

1336
01:01:19,440 --> 01:01:21,520
Speaker 1: whole time you've been together, you can't even really be

1337
01:01:22,280 --> 01:01:26,160
Speaker 1: upset at anyone except like yourself in a way, like

1338
01:01:26,520 --> 01:01:29,439
Speaker 1: I know it's his behavior, but like I'm not buying

1339
01:01:29,480 --> 01:01:32,120
Speaker 1: a house with anyone without knowing exactly what their finances look.

1340
01:01:32,200 --> 01:01:35,200
Speaker 2: Absolutely absolutely I'm fine with this if he can say

1341
01:01:35,240 --> 01:01:38,280
Speaker 2: what we need to. Here's the issue. He can't handle

1342
01:01:38,320 --> 01:01:41,200
Speaker 2: making less money than me and feels underpaid and worthless

1343
01:01:41,200 --> 01:01:44,280
Speaker 2: and guilty. He got defensive and angry, in between admitting

1344
01:01:44,320 --> 01:01:46,440
Speaker 2: he needs to do something, but then back to the

1345
01:01:46,480 --> 01:01:49,240
Speaker 2: feeling worthless and angry. We had a twenty five K

1346
01:01:49,440 --> 01:01:51,920
Speaker 2: down payment and he is only able to contribute one K,

1347
01:01:52,520 --> 01:01:54,560
Speaker 2: and it makes him feel crappy. He misses when I

1348
01:01:54,600 --> 01:01:56,880
Speaker 2: was younger and we were more carefree, and he doesn't

1349
01:01:56,920 --> 01:01:59,320
Speaker 2: enjoy all the responsibility of growing up and simply doesn't

1350
01:01:59,320 --> 01:02:01,200
Speaker 2: want to do it. He's more go with the flow,

1351
01:02:01,240 --> 01:02:03,200
Speaker 2: and I'm more planned for what could go wrong, and

1352
01:02:03,240 --> 01:02:05,400
Speaker 2: then have fun. He did not want to get a

1353
01:02:05,440 --> 01:02:07,439
Speaker 2: degree and finds it hard to make as much money

1354
01:02:07,480 --> 01:02:11,040
Speaker 2: as he feels he deserves. I agree, he is very skilled,

1355
01:02:11,040 --> 01:02:14,320
Speaker 2: but opportunities are not many without a degree these days.

1356
01:02:14,400 --> 01:02:17,480
Speaker 2: He refuses to get schooling though. I got a degree

1357
01:02:17,480 --> 01:02:20,200
Speaker 2: in a high demand field and got in at a

1358
01:02:20,200 --> 01:02:22,680
Speaker 2: big fortune five hundred companies, so I started out making

1359
01:02:22,720 --> 01:02:26,120
Speaker 2: a lot and it hurt his ego. I am firm

1360
01:02:26,160 --> 01:02:29,720
Speaker 2: on the savings account, being joint utilities fluctuate, and he

1361
01:02:29,800 --> 01:02:34,200
Speaker 2: is paying those since so since I'm covering entire mortgage,

1362
01:02:34,240 --> 01:02:36,320
Speaker 2: we can keep those separate. But it's a must to

1363
01:02:36,360 --> 01:02:39,680
Speaker 2: be sure we are proportionate to our income. Savings enough

1364
01:02:39,720 --> 01:02:42,240
Speaker 2: to pay off his credit card and plan for retirement

1365
01:02:42,360 --> 01:02:44,680
Speaker 2: and have money for a rainy day. The thing is

1366
01:02:44,760 --> 01:02:47,360
Speaker 2: with his withholding percentage going up now so we don't

1367
01:02:47,400 --> 01:02:51,360
Speaker 2: owe thousands next year. He can't afford his car, the utilities,

1368
01:02:51,400 --> 01:02:53,760
Speaker 2: and to save for retirement and a joint nest egg.

1369
01:02:54,160 --> 01:02:55,880
Speaker 2: He doesn't want to give up being able to live

1370
01:02:55,960 --> 01:02:58,880
Speaker 2: how he does now. There is zero chance of him

1371
01:02:58,880 --> 01:03:01,160
Speaker 2: getting an older car. He loves that thing and it's

1372
01:03:01,160 --> 01:03:03,959
Speaker 2: his hobby and the reason he works. I would rather

1373
01:03:04,080 --> 01:03:07,080
Speaker 2: work harder to save more than have resentment over the car.

1374
01:03:07,200 --> 01:03:09,320
Speaker 2: There is a little bit more to this story, but

1375
01:03:09,440 --> 01:03:11,720
Speaker 2: it seems like he's just not ready to be an

1376
01:03:11,760 --> 01:03:16,160
Speaker 2: adult relationship and do adult things. I mean, and you

1377
01:03:16,240 --> 01:03:18,720
Speaker 2: needed to have a conversation about what he is ready for,

1378
01:03:19,000 --> 01:03:22,320
Speaker 2: and maybe you guys aren't ready to you know, I

1379
01:03:22,360 --> 01:03:25,000
Speaker 2: don't know continue in this relationship if he's not willing

1380
01:03:25,040 --> 01:03:26,280
Speaker 2: to make any concessions.

1381
01:03:26,800 --> 01:03:29,680
Speaker 1: It's just a like, how did it get to this?

1382
01:03:30,440 --> 01:03:30,680
Speaker 1: I don't know.

1383
01:03:30,840 --> 01:03:34,120
Speaker 2: He's thirty seven. He's thirty seven. I don't want to

1384
01:03:34,160 --> 01:03:36,480
Speaker 2: say like I want to make it really clear. I'm

1385
01:03:36,480 --> 01:03:39,000
Speaker 2: not saying that a thirty seven year old can't go

1386
01:03:39,040 --> 01:03:42,040
Speaker 2: through hardships or like have four K in the bank

1387
01:03:42,080 --> 01:03:45,200
Speaker 2: and that's not okay, Like that's totally fine. People go

1388
01:03:45,280 --> 01:03:48,440
Speaker 2: through different, you know, things in life. But to be

1389
01:03:48,600 --> 01:03:51,120
Speaker 2: thirty seven and be like I don't want to do

1390
01:03:51,160 --> 01:03:53,600
Speaker 2: any of this stuff. I just want to be like free.

1391
01:03:54,120 --> 01:03:55,640
Speaker 1: That's fair though, Dude, you can go work at the

1392
01:03:55,840 --> 01:03:57,440
Speaker 1: snow slopes. Bro, Yeah you can go.

1393
01:03:57,520 --> 01:03:58,960
Speaker 2: You can work at the snow slopes and now be

1394
01:03:59,040 --> 01:04:00,160
Speaker 2: in a relationship with OPI.

1395
01:04:00,360 --> 01:04:03,280
Speaker 1: That was me like like two three years ago. I

1396
01:04:03,320 --> 01:04:05,240
Speaker 1: was like, you're gonna be a seasonal worker in your

1397
01:04:05,240 --> 01:04:08,760
Speaker 1: mid twenties. I'm gonna. I'm just gonna yeah, and you're unmarried, dude,

1398
01:04:09,000 --> 01:04:13,040
Speaker 1: you child. So many people who are this who are

1399
01:04:13,960 --> 01:04:17,919
Speaker 1: fun to save for children, but they're like I'm gonna, yeah,

1400
01:04:18,160 --> 01:04:20,920
Speaker 1: that's what I'm saying. I'm saying if that's acceptable lifestyles.

1401
01:04:20,960 --> 01:04:23,480
Speaker 1: What I'm saying is don't let somebody like be like, oh, what,

1402
01:04:23,520 --> 01:04:25,880
Speaker 1: you're forty and you like what have like the coolest

1403
01:04:25,920 --> 01:04:27,800
Speaker 1: job ever, just like getting to snowboard all the time.

1404
01:04:27,800 --> 01:04:29,560
Speaker 1: Whatever you want. Yeah, you don't have a family, what's

1405
01:04:29,560 --> 01:04:31,920
Speaker 1: wrong with you? It's like, yeah, the first part.

1406
01:04:31,920 --> 01:04:33,680
Speaker 2: That's not what I'm saying if you want to go

1407
01:04:33,720 --> 01:04:36,880
Speaker 2: do that, do that. You can't have both of these things.

1408
01:04:37,320 --> 01:04:40,240
Speaker 2: That's not it doesn't work. You can't just be like, oh,

1409
01:04:40,280 --> 01:04:41,880
Speaker 2: I don't want to say for anything, and I don't

1410
01:04:41,880 --> 01:04:45,320
Speaker 2: want to be carefree and travel and you know, have

1411
01:04:45,440 --> 01:04:48,240
Speaker 2: my cool car that costs a lot of money, and

1412
01:04:48,400 --> 01:04:52,320
Speaker 2: also be in a committed marriage and trying to save

1413
01:04:52,400 --> 01:04:54,280
Speaker 2: up for kids and trying to save up for a house.

1414
01:04:54,320 --> 01:04:54,920
Speaker 1: That doesn't work.

1415
01:04:54,960 --> 01:04:56,440
Speaker 2: We we get a little bit more. I don't know

1416
01:04:56,480 --> 01:04:59,000
Speaker 2: how to address the ego issue. I am younger his

1417
01:04:59,080 --> 01:05:01,600
Speaker 2: wife and will likely always make more unless he gets

1418
01:05:01,640 --> 01:05:04,680
Speaker 2: really lucky. I can't force him to go to school

1419
01:05:04,720 --> 01:05:07,480
Speaker 2: and have given him the chance, and he won't take it.

1420
01:05:07,800 --> 01:05:10,120
Speaker 2: I don't know how to deal with it. I understand

1421
01:05:10,120 --> 01:05:12,440
Speaker 2: he feels crappy because he wasn't able to contribute to

1422
01:05:12,480 --> 01:05:14,720
Speaker 2: our house purchase, but I hope for at least a

1423
01:05:14,760 --> 01:05:17,720
Speaker 2: little gratitude and down. Do not expect there to be

1424
01:05:17,760 --> 01:05:19,800
Speaker 2: no anger at me for floating all this and then

1425
01:05:19,840 --> 01:05:23,520
Speaker 2: trying to fix the disparity. Anyone have any advice how

1426
01:05:23,520 --> 01:05:26,400
Speaker 2: to handle him feeling down because I make more. I

1427
01:05:26,440 --> 01:05:28,160
Speaker 2: know it can't be that common for men to feel

1428
01:05:28,200 --> 01:05:30,480
Speaker 2: this way, I'm not It's not a valid excuse to

1429
01:05:30,520 --> 01:05:32,919
Speaker 2: put off this conversation though at it. We dated six

1430
01:05:33,000 --> 01:05:35,520
Speaker 2: years before marrying and had all the big talks beforehand.

1431
01:05:36,000 --> 01:05:38,040
Speaker 2: Plan was always for me to be the main breadwinner

1432
01:05:38,120 --> 01:05:40,760
Speaker 2: post college. His car, which he didn't have then, wasn't

1433
01:05:40,760 --> 01:05:43,160
Speaker 2: factored into the plan. I just think that.

1434
01:05:43,560 --> 01:05:46,160
Speaker 1: Dropping the actually get a jump at the Fortune five

1435
01:05:46,240 --> 01:05:48,000
Speaker 1: hundred company. It's like no one cares.

1436
01:05:48,880 --> 01:05:51,880
Speaker 2: I think maybe she's, you know, feels a little bit

1437
01:05:51,920 --> 01:05:55,280
Speaker 2: like she's doing a lot more, and maybe he's condescending

1438
01:05:55,280 --> 01:05:57,479
Speaker 2: to him. But also I feel like he's not doing enough,

1439
01:05:57,640 --> 01:05:59,680
Speaker 2: and I think that they're both not communicating.

1440
01:06:00,080 --> 01:06:01,280
Speaker 1: Everyone sucks in the story.