Speaker 1: I leave, then I you wanna way back home?
Speaker 2: Either way we want to be there, doesn't matter how
Speaker 2: much baggage you claim and give us time and they
Speaker 2: turn and al and gage.
Speaker 3: We want to send.
Speaker 1: You off inside. We wanna welcome you back home.
Speaker 4: Tell us all about it? We scared? Or was it fine? Now?
Speaker 1: Porn?
Speaker 3: Do you need to ride? Do you welcome ry? Do
Speaker 3: you need a ride?
Speaker 4: This is Christopher, This is karc Will Garrett?
Speaker 3: Do you need here?
Speaker 4: All?
Speaker 3: Thanks? Calling Studio Elder other studios that provide some things comedy,
Speaker 3: but we demand all all of the things. Do you
Speaker 3: like slapstick?
Speaker 4: Yes? Do you like word play sometimes?
Speaker 3: Do you like Cat's skillion racial comedy?
Speaker 4: Yes?
Speaker 3: Of the old INDI? Do you like blackface always?
Speaker 4: Wait?
Speaker 3: Wait wait wait no, no, you're said, it's all available
Speaker 3: here at All Things Comedy.
Speaker 4: Luckily you can't see anything. Yeah, the problematic parts are
Speaker 4: not broadcast.
Speaker 3: If you really think about a blackface or minstrel comedy
Speaker 3: was only offensive.
Speaker 4: Visually, right the audio? Well that's not true though, because
Speaker 4: like al Joelson would sing in the style of a
Speaker 4: black performer, many he was doing like a bad ambos.
Speaker 3: Good point. That's actually worse.
Speaker 4: It's worse than I just did it, So it was okay. Yeah,
Speaker 4: but I've really folded in a lot of you know what, Look,
Speaker 4: these are the times we live in.
Speaker 3: Hey, I'm not mad if Ted Danson can do it.
Speaker 3: Let's let's get okay with it, because that guy does
Speaker 3: no wrong, right.
Speaker 4: Uh except for when he did that.
Speaker 3: Yeah, he did do that wrong.
Speaker 4: And also Becker.
Speaker 3: It was the seventeen's seasons of Becker. Yeah, at the
Speaker 3: time he was dating Warpie Goldbug, which isn't an excuse,
Speaker 3: but I think he thought, but it's a reason. Yeah.
Speaker 3: If anything, it was like, she'll laugh at this, Well
Speaker 3: she did? She put me up to it. I bet
Speaker 3: I don't even do you know the backstory?
Speaker 4: Uh? I mean I just I know what I read
Speaker 4: because at the time I was fascinated by that couple.
Speaker 4: What a nineties couple.
Speaker 3: What a bizarre.
Speaker 4: Mixture of personalities there. What was he doing? What was
Speaker 4: she doing? We'll never know the answer, but yeah, his
Speaker 4: whole thing was she like she defended him afterwards and
Speaker 4: then he said like, no, it's for her and I
Speaker 4: knew she would like it, or it's like it was
Speaker 4: all to her. What was it? Yes, Aaron Bruart. Let's
Speaker 4: hear your side. Defend yourself. Why did you pitch that
Speaker 4: idea to him?
Speaker 5: You know, I was eight.
Speaker 4: It was a roast like before the.
Speaker 3: Oh oh wow that and then the photos taken out
Speaker 3: of context.
Speaker 4: Well, but that's the thing is I think that was
Speaker 4: before people learn that lesson of just assume it'll always
Speaker 4: be out of context and behave.
Speaker 3: Appropriate as a young for Halloween, as a young person,
Speaker 3: maybe a fifteen, I really liked Linel Ritchie and I
Speaker 3: dressed up like him, and I thought I would look
Speaker 3: more like him. And I was being very logical. I
Speaker 3: thought I would look more like him if because it
Speaker 3: was it was uh, you know, I was pale, and
Speaker 3: so I put a lot of nutrigena tinted moisture. Yeah yeah,
Speaker 3: and I put enough of it to where I was like, good, okay,
Speaker 3: I'm not quite pale to where it ruins this costume.
Speaker 3: And at no point did I think that's what I
Speaker 3: was doing.
Speaker 4: Now, so you tan faced you you weren't black. It
Speaker 4: wasn't okay, but it wasn't your normal color, and it
Speaker 4: was supposed to be representative of darkness.
Speaker 3: And then also to defend myself, and it's more embarrassing.
Speaker 3: I used to use it my whole life to make
Speaker 3: it look like my face was tanned. Oh, all through college?
Speaker 4: Did you feel pressures of snowboarder to be kind of tanned?
Speaker 3: And god that you really know me? Yeah, I you
Speaker 3: know you get these It's almost the opposite of raccoon eyes.
Speaker 3: But when you're wearing a paragoggles and the sun leaves
Speaker 3: a you want to blend that line because I had
Speaker 3: a very distinct line snowboarding.
Speaker 4: Yeah, and you're in that crazy sun all day.
Speaker 3: The snow reflects tan face, white around the eyes. It
Speaker 3: looks ridiculous.
Speaker 4: It's what Donald Trump looks like when he's on TV.
Speaker 3: It used to be a calling. It used to be
Speaker 3: a something you would show, like, Hey, I've been riding
Speaker 3: more than you this winter. Look at how distinct this
Speaker 3: line is, Like it showed how much you had been snowboarding.
Speaker 3: It's such a weird thing.
Speaker 4: I feel like we've just hit on something that kind
Speaker 4: of crystallizes the essence of how why it's better to
Speaker 4: be a guy than a girl, because and I thought
Speaker 4: about this when I was younger. This is a theory
Speaker 4: from like high school guys get to do things like
Speaker 4: competitively snowboard and they only care. Their only focus is
Speaker 4: if other dudes like feel competitive with them about what this,
Speaker 4: how the snowboarding has made them look like lunatics put
Speaker 4: the two tone face, whereas girls only are trying to
Speaker 4: win over the snowboarder with their face. So you can't
Speaker 4: ever have like uneven color or you have to you're
Speaker 4: trying to be the most perfect right, whereas guys get
Speaker 4: to be the most rocket.
Speaker 3: There is nothing that I wanted more living in Bend, Oregon,
Speaker 3: a eighty five percent male snowboarder, Like you're gonna go
Speaker 3: there and never have a day. You're just spending time snowboarding.
Speaker 3: You're going to hang out with a lot of dudes.
Speaker 3: And the three girls and they were at night, we
Speaker 3: would be like, let's go to the girl's house. It's
Speaker 3: one house. Three of them lived together and they all
Speaker 3: married people I sort of know. But I was attracted
Speaker 3: to them because they had that racket they had. I
Speaker 3: was like it because back then, not a lot of
Speaker 3: girls that I knew in Montana like snowboarded all the
Speaker 3: time and we're all serious about it, And that to
Speaker 3: me was a turn on.
Speaker 4: Yeah, because they like the thing you.
Speaker 3: Like, so they had raccoon ridiculous raccoon eyes and I
Speaker 3: was like, I like it.
Speaker 4: So so then cut to me standing in the quad
Speaker 4: at Saint Vincen's High School. Was so much cover girl
Speaker 4: foundation makeup on so that so that I had a
Speaker 4: clown face. The line that was before you knew to
Speaker 4: blend or use any other kind of makeup tricks, and
Speaker 4: there was I never had a chance with the snowboard
Speaker 4: types because you guys were all kind of looking for
Speaker 4: each other really in a way, mm hmm. That's what
Speaker 4: was attractive.
Speaker 3: It really took the place of me trying to I
Speaker 3: didn't really experience girls until college because I was always
Speaker 3: I just cared about other snowboard dudes.
Speaker 4: And then when you did experience girls, were you like, ooh, yeah, yeah,
Speaker 4: your time turned into stairs.
Speaker 3: And and my ears smoked and I said arugala and
Speaker 3: then my yeah, my tongue turned his hair. And then
Speaker 3: you became a vegan and I was also a wolf.
Speaker 4: But you went to college in Montana.
Speaker 3: Right in a Looney Tunes cartoon in Montana, in the
Speaker 3: cartoon department.
Speaker 4: Yeah, so there was definitely sporty girls and outdoors girls.
Speaker 4: I mean that's a big thing, right, yeah, back there.
Speaker 3: Yeah, it was a big deal, not as big as
Speaker 3: moving away to a place that had that, that had it,
Speaker 3: like in Oregon that's where we went. Yeah, and it
Speaker 3: was everyone was interested in that. In Montana was more
Speaker 3: like a lot of drinking and not so much outdoorsiness, right,
Speaker 3: probably not that way. Now. My friend, my very good friend,
Speaker 3: Ross sent me a photo and he said, this is
Speaker 3: next door to your house. And it's a picture of
Speaker 3: driveway right next to my mom's house. So I've been
Speaker 3: thinking about my mom all day and it's but there's
Speaker 3: these two ramps there and it's two I had ramps
Speaker 3: just like that, like just like that, And it's two
Speaker 3: doors down from my house and and the so there's
Speaker 3: a kid that's maybe just like me living on my street.
Speaker 3: It's kind of cool.
Speaker 4: It's the next generation Fairbanks, that's right. And also we're
Speaker 4: living in this is just one one big simulation of.
Speaker 3: Life, right, This is just a series of ones and
Speaker 3: zeros trickling down matrix style. Yeah.
Speaker 4: Yeah, which is fun because they've they've gotten the technology
Speaker 4: so that you can't tell it all.
Speaker 3: It's so good.
Speaker 4: It's great.
Speaker 5: Yeah.
Speaker 3: Yeah, the computer animation today I own. It really seems
Speaker 3: like we're in a studio right now.
Speaker 4: You are so real to me.
Speaker 3: I'm my deaf.
Speaker 4: We haven't seen each other in a long time.
Speaker 3: Yeah, yeah, it's good to see. How's everything. How's your job?
Speaker 3: You work a lot.
Speaker 4: It's very good. I'm excited about it. It's fun. It's like,
Speaker 4: now we're in this phase because the show is for
Speaker 4: it's a mid season replacement next year, so we do
Speaker 4: everything at once. So like we started off pitching ideas
Speaker 4: for what the episodes could be. Then all the scripts
Speaker 4: got it signed, everyone started writing, going out to write
Speaker 4: them piece by piece, then bringing them back, and so
Speaker 4: then this cycle started of like then we're you know,
Speaker 4: somebody's out writing one, we're fixing one, we're polishing another one,
Speaker 4: and it just goes in this kind of cycle. And
Speaker 4: then now it's like now we're on they're filming episode five,
Speaker 4: so then we're and it goes to thirteen and mine's next,
Speaker 4: so we're like rewriting mine today.
Speaker 3: Inevitably, your feelings get hurt, though, when a group of
Speaker 3: people are like this part's bad.
Speaker 4: It's all bad. It's all hurt feelings that I have
Speaker 4: learned to manage remarkably in this job. It's taken me
Speaker 4: a long time because that it's so different than like
Speaker 4: stand up or even even like talk show writing, where
Speaker 4: everybody's kind of individually like here's my jokes, and they
Speaker 4: take and maybe tweak a word or two. But with
Speaker 4: this kind of writing, it's totally gang writing the whole time.
Speaker 4: So like at this point, like I started off on
Speaker 4: the outline that was decided in the room, it's never
Speaker 4: been mine in any technical way except for like maybe
Speaker 4: ideas here and there, suggestions, but for the most part, Yeah,
Speaker 4: it just keeps on getting tabled and then big chunks
Speaker 4: getting rewritten. It's truly it's the ep ore ep Goldie
Speaker 4: Julius Sharp is rip and he's great and brilliant, and
Speaker 4: so he just takes it and goes I don't like
Speaker 4: this part think of new ideas, and everyone just does
Speaker 4: what he asks. Sure, so it's good.
Speaker 3: You're surrounded by talented.
Speaker 4: People, very talent, very cool.
Speaker 3: In art school, you did that where you would paint.
Speaker 3: Everyone would paint I think five paintings where they assignment
Speaker 3: for a few weeks and then you'd set them in
Speaker 3: front of everyone and people would critique them. And everyone
Speaker 3: would be a little nice, but not everyone was good
Speaker 3: at painting, and it made me mad that they were there. Yeah,
Speaker 3: and I'd say mean things and I'm not and people
Speaker 3: it's just a non traditional student that got out, would
Speaker 3: have retired but decided to go to art school and
Speaker 3: then making her feel bad and maybe cry because I
Speaker 3: was like, well, this is just not only is it
Speaker 3: bad composition, you should learn to draw. I spend a
Speaker 3: lot of time my whole life learning to draw. You
Speaker 3: never did that. Also, you've mixed black paint with a
Speaker 3: color and so it just looks like a flat, lightless mess.
Speaker 3: It's very bad. And then they're like thanks Chris, and
Speaker 3: I'm like, well you asked me. That's what we're supposed
Speaker 3: to do.
Speaker 4: No, that's not what you're supposed to do.
Speaker 3: You're supposed to say, hey, good job, And then everyone
Speaker 3: gets an a no is what happens otherwise?
Speaker 4: Well, no, it's not. There's actually there's there's a gray
Speaker 4: area in between reducing someone to rubble and kissing their ass,
Speaker 4: which right, right, You realize that this is a person
Speaker 4: who isn't on your level, and so you give things
Speaker 4: that you think might help. Uh, suggestions are saying I
Speaker 4: don't like that color mix because you you put black
Speaker 4: in that. I think that, Oh well, I still cry,
Speaker 4: uh well, that's not your problem then if you were,
Speaker 4: if you were tactful about it and kind of like
Speaker 4: trying to be helpful.
Speaker 3: I've been. I've been riddled with tact No.
Speaker 4: Well, I mean just not in that example. It didn't
Speaker 4: sound like it sounded so mad at the beginning. But listen,
Speaker 4: I'm not saying I'm the same way. Where when you
Speaker 4: see the thing I that drives me crazy is when
Speaker 4: you see wording changes or joke changes where it's like,
Speaker 4: I know, I don't know story structure. I'm definitely learning,
Speaker 4: like how you put these things together and pull a
Speaker 4: story through, but I definitely feel like I know how
Speaker 4: to write a hard joke and so the but that's
Speaker 4: all taste, that's what.
Speaker 3: That's more why I was frustrated in art school because
Speaker 3: it would I knew that my paintings were good, and
Speaker 3: I felt like they were good, and everyone said that.
Speaker 3: But during when you line them up and if everyone
Speaker 3: feels like it's their job, someone would with no talent
Speaker 3: saying anything about my art, That's when I would lash
Speaker 3: out of them. Yeah, so the lady that I've described
Speaker 3: who we felt bad for, who I sort of made up.
Speaker 3: She would first say, well, I don't like this, I
Speaker 3: don't like the and even that her critique was like, well,
Speaker 3: you don't even know what you're talking.
Speaker 4: About, right, But I feel like the job of life
Speaker 4: you should have joined a book club. The job of
Speaker 4: life is to know someone doesn't know what they're talking
Speaker 4: about and then realize then that means you're okay, Like,
Speaker 4: because I feel like you're taking in the criticism the
Speaker 4: same way you would if it was the teacher and
Speaker 4: then doubling the offense because it's an untalented It's.
Speaker 3: Odd though, because they spoke up, and because in art school,
Speaker 3: the people that talk the most and that were willing
Speaker 3: to talk and wanted to talk the most about it
Speaker 3: art were most likely the ones that weren't good at it.
Speaker 3: And it did have an influence on the teachers who
Speaker 3: were grading things, and they're like, oh, well, so and
Speaker 3: so said four negative things. I wrote them down, So
Speaker 3: I guess I'll give Chris a B and this person
Speaker 3: an A because everyone said nice things because they're trying
Speaker 3: to be supportive because she isn't good. So then I
Speaker 3: at the end, I would have the same, if not
Speaker 3: lower grade than other people that actually didn't belong there.
Speaker 3: You know what I'm saying. Yes, it drove me nuts
Speaker 3: when I'm like, I don't like art school.
Speaker 4: Because but I think that's the thing of life. Everything
Speaker 4: is political. Everything is political. You can't there's no clean
Speaker 4: cut fair anything, and everything is influenced by voice and
Speaker 4: by people.
Speaker 3: I was silent. I was just like, I'll just let
Speaker 3: my work speak for me. And it's still my problem
Speaker 3: with my career now. I don't well.
Speaker 4: And also because if you speak up and you like
Speaker 4: say super mean things to people or even subtly mean things,
Speaker 4: that kicks back on you and and affects the way
Speaker 4: people see your work, even though it has nothing to
Speaker 4: do with it. It's it's this whole thing is like
Speaker 4: a fucking lame beauty contest where it's like that part,
Speaker 4: the you know, the personality part is as important, if
Speaker 4: not more.
Speaker 3: I should have just got into beauty content, beauty.
Speaker 4: Con Okay, did you did you watch I don't I'm
Speaker 4: not trying to like boss you around or anything, but
Speaker 4: did you watch Donald Trump? Did you see that whole
Speaker 4: thing about him in the university called fat and miss Piggy.
Speaker 3: Yeah, that was really bizarre. That was when I started
Speaker 3: I started having I just got uncomfortable watching that, Like
Speaker 3: my parents were fighting and I had to leave the
Speaker 3: room a few times. Yes, and I was sweating, and
Speaker 3: I thought it was kind of funny when she said
Speaker 3: you didn't pay your federal taxes and he goes, yeah,
Speaker 3: that makes me smart, and he just that he blurred
Speaker 3: in it.
Speaker 4: Yeap, he can't control himself.
Speaker 3: Yeah, that is how he's gotten in business.
Speaker 4: And then meanwhile he's talking about but I was.
Speaker 3: I was leaving the room when I was hearing that.
Speaker 4: Because you were so uncomfortable.
Speaker 3: Yeah, yeah, well were.
Speaker 4: We started watching it at work because it came on
Speaker 4: so early, and I was like all of us were like,
Speaker 4: I go, I'm sweating and my neck hurts, like I'm
Speaker 4: so tense right now. And thank fucking god. Hillary Clinton
Speaker 4: was so much better than I thought she was going
Speaker 4: to be. She was so fucking good because she wasn't
Speaker 4: making me more uncomfortable like oh mom's mad or eldest
Speaker 4: shit she gets accused of. She was It was like
Speaker 4: someone told her, now, just remember everything he says is
Speaker 4: being recorded. You don't have to be flustered or upset
Speaker 4: because it's permanent, fucking record. It's the thing he hasn't
Speaker 4: learned yet, right, is that all this shit is like
Speaker 4: that he said he had two hundred endorsements from army
Speaker 4: generals and admirals. There are forty army generals and admirals.
Speaker 4: There's forty, so he can't have two hundreds. All that shit.
Speaker 4: It is fact checking that. It's like, you are a
Speaker 4: compulsive liar.
Speaker 6: Yeah, and she and I wow, because he was someone
Speaker 6: that just kept interjecting and saying no, wrong, you're an idiot,
Speaker 6: Like he kept interrupting and she wasn't doing that. And
Speaker 6: when he started talking about money or whatever, I'm like,
Speaker 6: interrupt him about China.
Speaker 3: I know about how you're closed ties. Yeah yeah, but
Speaker 3: it is good that she didn't do that. She stayed
Speaker 3: and she didn't and someone told her to smile more
Speaker 3: and things that she should because she was she was great.
Speaker 3: She did, she did great and she was so good.
Speaker 3: Yeah yeah, I think yeah, Well I still had to
Speaker 3: check afterwards him, like everyone said she won right quote
Speaker 3: unquote one yeah, and but she did she definitely yeah.
Speaker 4: Yeah, And there was a whole thing that was hashtag
Speaker 4: Trump one that was on Twitter, that was twenty trending
Speaker 4: on Twitter this morning, and I was like, that's ludicrous.
Speaker 4: Well he's not, like but they did a study about
Speaker 4: it or they you know, they looked into it and
Speaker 4: there was an article. It came all those tweets that
Speaker 4: were supporting the Trump one hashtag were coming out of Russia.
Speaker 4: They have a map, I tweeted, it's on my Twitter feed. WHOA, yes,
Speaker 4: so it is he is there.
Speaker 3: Yes, trending, Like, get enough people to do this. Hackers
Speaker 3: making cement blocks, let us you utilize their foredom.
Speaker 4: Isn't that insane? It's like he we have gone into
Speaker 4: comic book super villain area.
Speaker 3: It's horrifying, it really is. But people during it, people
Speaker 3: would like cheer for him. His people somehow they put
Speaker 3: on the nice or a pair of overalls and they
Speaker 3: get in.
Speaker 4: Yes, well I think there's like family. I mean yeah,
Speaker 4: but those people.
Speaker 3: There's some He got some little applause breaks and I have.
Speaker 3: But that's why I would like.
Speaker 4: Yes, but he also got them for these really dumb things,
Speaker 4: like it would be like, yeah.
Speaker 3: I mentioned her emails. I still don't understand the email thing.
Speaker 3: I don't understand how if you're a public of political person,
Speaker 3: you're supposed to have your emails public be public knowledge.
Speaker 3: I don't get that. I don't get what happened? Will
Speaker 3: you talk?
Speaker 4: I don't. I don't even know if that is something
Speaker 4: that's true. And the irony is him not releasing his
Speaker 4: taxes but then going what's in those emails where it's like,
Speaker 4: what's in your fucking ties?
Speaker 3: Do you know what an email thing is? What was
Speaker 3: the email thing?
Speaker 4: Oh, Aaron's a huge Trump supporter? Go ahead, Aaron?
Speaker 5: Everything I know I learned from John Oliver this weekend.
Speaker 7: Okay, her emails should have gone through like a like
Speaker 7: a at Statedepartment dot gov. Instead she did she ran
Speaker 7: them through a private server that she has in her home.
Speaker 3: But what are they? What if they're what if people
Speaker 3: don't want to see what she's getting on Etsy? Or
Speaker 3: what are they there? They were big scary emails.
Speaker 5: They could be, Yeah, they could be.
Speaker 7: There was like one hundred and thirteen that were potentially
Speaker 7: confidential and only three that were marked like in the
Speaker 7: heading highly confidential.
Speaker 4: H And is the idea that her doing that was
Speaker 4: unsafe because they could have been hacked? Because it was
Speaker 4: a private server.
Speaker 7: They could have been hacked and that, and then also
Speaker 7: that she could hide. She could hide things that if
Speaker 7: they were on the state dot gov server, the government
Speaker 7: would be public record.
Speaker 5: You could under freedom of information you could request it.
Speaker 7: Oh yeah, huh so it's both it's like it was
Speaker 7: unsafe for national security potentially, and also you could hide stuff.
Speaker 4: Huh.
Speaker 3: Well, I, for one forgive her.
Speaker 4: Well, I just think it's it's just so him that
Speaker 4: he's accusing her. He won't let it go when there was.
Speaker 3: Actually an he brought it up. Yeah, that's his answer. Clearly,
Speaker 3: going to do the text thing. That's what everyone does,
Speaker 3: and you can show them while you're being audited. That
Speaker 3: a whole moment. And he's like, what about emails?
Speaker 4: But the email thing was she went on trial for it,
Speaker 4: didn't you Like, there was a hearing about it and
Speaker 4: she was cleared of wrongdoing.
Speaker 5: Yes, the FBI has investigated and cleared her.
Speaker 4: So he's just bringing up a thing that, like everyone said,
Speaker 4: it's fine.
Speaker 3: Because he doesn't know about that. She has been cleared
Speaker 3: of it.
Speaker 4: No one's told it. Yeah, yeah, yeah, he hasn't gotten
Speaker 4: that email yet.
Speaker 3: Because he doesn't email with anyone it's just everyone surrounding
Speaker 3: him is his family.
Speaker 4: And he's just screaming into there is no one.
Speaker 3: Wants to work for him, so he's got all these
Speaker 3: strange cyborg children that are his only employees. You know.
Speaker 4: I went up into his office in Trump Tower or
Speaker 4: wherever it is. Actually, I'm not sure wherever his main
Speaker 4: office is is. He's at the top floor. We were
Speaker 4: shooting something when I worked on Ellen long ago, two
Speaker 4: thousand and probably six, and it is the gaudiest. It
Speaker 4: looks like an eighties disco. It's everything in there is
Speaker 4: black lacquer and gold, but not in a way where
Speaker 4: you go.
Speaker 3: Oh, it's when you walk in, aren't you like this?
Speaker 3: This is glorious and tremendous.
Speaker 4: It is in no way tremendous. The pictures where it's
Speaker 4: Millenia holding the baby with all the gold and the
Speaker 4: all that, I think that might be their house or
Speaker 4: their apartment. But the office looks like a coke dealer
Speaker 4: wanted to get into accounting. And then the government seized
Speaker 4: it and sold it to Donald Trump.
Speaker 3: Oh wow, it's.
Speaker 4: So tacky and weird and old looking. And and he
Speaker 4: was like, we were shooting a thing that was like
Speaker 4: a send up of The Apprentice or whatever, and he
Speaker 4: fires Ellen and as stupid but he was. So he
Speaker 4: started off by he met her by telling her the
Speaker 4: ratings of The Apprentice. He was introduced to her, and
Speaker 4: he immediately just started saying, well, the number one day
Speaker 4: show an NBC did it, but like it was so
Speaker 4: weird and like pathological and bizarre.
Speaker 3: He's always wanted to belong and I think even from
Speaker 3: what I've heard, even in that well, April was talking
Speaker 3: about he's never even belonged with the New York millionaires
Speaker 3: that he's no. Yeah, he's just like a oh man,
Speaker 3: Now I feel bad for.
Speaker 4: Him, do you really well just then oh just.
Speaker 3: That moment, Yeah, when people don't belong.
Speaker 4: I don't. Yes, there's a lot of pain around him
Speaker 4: and all of the people that so desperately need to
Speaker 4: believe that he's going to help them.
Speaker 3: Yeah.
Speaker 4: I just can't understand the people don't see that he's
Speaker 4: a crook, Like he's all anything that he's accused Hillary
Speaker 4: Clinton of he is guilty of times five.
Speaker 3: I've started. I've never done any online dating, but I
Speaker 3: got on that bumble thing.
Speaker 4: Oh you did?
Speaker 3: Yeah, And they have an option there where you can
Speaker 3: just slide over a graphic that says I'm with Trump
Speaker 3: or I'm with Hillary. It's inordinate a crazy amount of women,
Speaker 3: or maybe it's sarcastic, I know, but they claim to
Speaker 3: be voting for Trump and.
Speaker 4: I'm I'm like, you know, in Los Angeles, I can't
Speaker 4: be very I know, how about a single woman in
Speaker 4: this day?
Speaker 3: Yeah, I I don't know.
Speaker 4: They must all be fans of The Handmaid's Tale. They're like,
Speaker 4: I want to go to a Birthen camp.
Speaker 3: Or they're way better at sarcasm than me. But I
Speaker 3: don't think so.
Speaker 4: No, it doesn't. You know what's funny? I April almost
Speaker 4: got me to sign up for Bumble. Between April and
Speaker 4: he was.
Speaker 3: My other friend. It might be kind of fun because
Speaker 3: you do all the you make all the moves.
Speaker 4: I would never do that.
Speaker 3: Well, then I feel because no one's doing it for me.
Speaker 3: I've not been on there a couple of weeks, not
Speaker 3: a single I actually re.
Speaker 4: Signed up and I have a good bio and I
Speaker 4: took good and a good face.
Speaker 3: Yeah my pictures I might six feet tall. You never know,
Speaker 3: fucking nothing.
Speaker 4: That's super weird.
Speaker 3: I've gotta get off.
Speaker 4: You are in your picture. Are you looking straight into
Speaker 4: the camera? You change that picture?
Speaker 3: Oh?
Speaker 4: Really, yes, I swear to god. I read an article
Speaker 4: about that. How women men's pictures where they're looking straight
Speaker 4: into camera freak them out and they don't like it.
Speaker 4: Go run in and put your put on some underarmor.
Speaker 3: Shirt and look off in the distance.
Speaker 4: Look off and put your leg up on a rock.
Speaker 4: They'll love that and you can date all the trump
Speaker 4: women you want.
Speaker 3: I want to show off. My legs are a little Oh.
Speaker 4: Then then put your arm on a rock.
Speaker 3: Should lean on it like I'm thinking. Yes, all right,
Speaker 3: I like that, and look off in the.
Speaker 4: Distance and maybe cry a tiny bit.
Speaker 3: What if in every photo I don't look in the camera,
Speaker 3: and I say, cameras steal your soul. That's my bio,
Speaker 3: that's all.
Speaker 4: That's genius, that's my.
Speaker 3: Yeah, I cameras steal your soul everything.
Speaker 4: Yeah, but you're looking up there in a native headdress.
Speaker 4: Don't do no, that's problematic.
Speaker 3: Okay, okay, we're getting back to the version of me
Speaker 3: that was willing to put Tanner face on.
Speaker 4: Yeah, let's not go there again.
Speaker 3: All right. I'm sorry that I I he.
Speaker 4: But don't you think it's funny? That I went through
Speaker 4: all the trouble. It was all the way down to
Speaker 4: all I had to do was press the button to
Speaker 4: sign up, like I'd fucking gone back onto Facebook. Yeah,
Speaker 4: all these things and then I just like went to
Speaker 4: touch it and I was like, I just can't. Yeah,
Speaker 4: I just can't.
Speaker 3: Yeah, it's scary, right, it's horrifying.
Speaker 5: It's me.
Speaker 3: I didn't think it would be.
Speaker 4: Yeah, No, it's I don't know how people do it.
Speaker 3: I didn't think it would be. And it's real weird,
Speaker 3: and I'm I don't want to meet strangers. I've never
Speaker 3: If anyone's ever like hey, I want to set you
Speaker 3: up with my friend, a person I trust, I'm like, nah,
Speaker 3: that's weird. Yeah, it's narrow, and I can't believe women
Speaker 3: do it. I'm like, if they don't, you better have mace.
Speaker 4: Well, it's always like like.
Speaker 3: Everyone's a you know, I know, predator.
Speaker 5: I know.
Speaker 3: Don't go meeting.
Speaker 4: Something, don't go out meeting people for coffee.
Speaker 3: That's if I do. If I ever messaged with one
Speaker 3: of these people, I'm gonna say, do not meet me.
Speaker 3: It's just dangerous.
Speaker 4: But you say that that's the message underneath the dick pic.
Speaker 3: Yeah, just so, here's my dick. Let's meet in the park.
Speaker 3: You better bring pepper spray spray, right, embrace yourself.
Speaker 4: This is gonna be bad, No, I really do. I
Speaker 4: also don't know. Like I had a friend who told
Speaker 4: me a story about one time sitting in a restaurant
Speaker 4: and the guy that she had arranged to meet. I
Speaker 4: think she was on, okay, keep it. I can't remember
Speaker 4: walked in and she watched his face fall when he
Speaker 4: saw her in person. I've seen them, and I just
Speaker 4: I don't know.
Speaker 3: How how do you terrible feeling?
Speaker 4: How do you go on? I don't I'm not interested
Speaker 4: in that.
Speaker 3: Oh that's the worst.
Speaker 4: It's terrible. And then I would just I think I
Speaker 4: would just verbally abuse that person if they sat down,
Speaker 4: I'd be like, so, yeah, this has this been the
Speaker 4: eyebrow situation all along?
Speaker 3: Or yeah, how long have you not been able to
Speaker 3: control your face? Or do you mean his eyebrows because
Speaker 3: they're raised or because they're ungroomed?
Speaker 4: I would go ungroomed, but that's you know, I'm eyebrow.
Speaker 3: Okay, like your face you made skinky? What's it like?
Speaker 4: Yeah?
Speaker 3: Just go after him? Yeah or something?
Speaker 4: How could you not it's a stranger. There's no goodwill
Speaker 4: at all.
Speaker 3: It sounds horrifying. I'm deleting the app right now, let's.
Speaker 4: Do it, okay, and then I'll sign up.
Speaker 3: Well, I'll just transfer mine over to you. Well.
Speaker 4: The worst part is it's like I would like to date,
Speaker 4: but that I can't do it that way. And then
Speaker 4: the traditional way is like what what like I'm not
Speaker 4: going to go to a bar, don't drink.
Speaker 3: Well here's Michael Connolly said, sorry, I just got home.
Speaker 3: I'll do the podcast another time.
Speaker 4: Oh he's very busy. Man.
Speaker 3: He's point, we don't have a guest today. But that's
Speaker 3: oh yeah, I'm glad you and I we had to
Speaker 3: riff last. The last episode was very information based.
Speaker 4: That's right. The uh, that's right. I never I just remembered.
Speaker 4: I didn't retweet that or anything.
Speaker 3: That's okay. I did and I put it out there. Okay,
Speaker 3: I'm in Sean did okay? Good?
Speaker 4: Yeah, there was there was a lot of It was
Speaker 4: very single topic.
Speaker 3: But after it, I'm like, maybe I should try and
Speaker 3: do some mellucinogens. I should probably just go to the therapy.
Speaker 5: Right.
Speaker 4: Therapy is great, yeah, but it takes a long time. Hallucinogens,
Speaker 4: I don't know. I don't have that much experience with them.
Speaker 4: When those people talk about having those like aahuasca like experiences,
Speaker 4: like I saw that sixty minutes about how a lot
Speaker 4: of veterans, like Iraq war veterans are doing that because
Speaker 4: it's helping them with their PTSD.
Speaker 3: That seems teresting to me.
Speaker 4: Yeah, yeah, who knows what could help? You know?
Speaker 3: I know I have PTSD. I mean I wasn't in
Speaker 3: the shit, but my dad was in reserves, and and
Speaker 3: he was married to my mom and a lot of
Speaker 3: style I okay, a lot of people had to snap
Speaker 3: necks and foo buy or crawl into a fox hole.
Speaker 3: I have many times walked in on my mother making
Speaker 3: love to different men. Oh why maybe I should go
Speaker 3: do drugs in a tent and then a Native American
Speaker 3: man can guide me through what that meant.
Speaker 4: He would help you barf for like four hours.
Speaker 3: That's whatever.
Speaker 4: As far as i've you're gonna have to borrow.
Speaker 3: I don't want to throw.
Speaker 4: You have to the whole time. It's part of it.
Speaker 4: You sid barf and bar if and barf, and it
Speaker 4: feels like you can't stop barfing. Then then you start hallucinating.
Speaker 3: I want to have visions the barf turns.
Speaker 4: Into a spirit animal. I don't want to and then
Speaker 4: Barf becomes your spirit animal.
Speaker 3: Oh do you have to call him barf like a
Speaker 3: cook from you can't do that on.
Speaker 4: Television, or Barfy the dog from a family Circle circus
Speaker 4: really the Family Circus.
Speaker 3: Right, yeah, where Billy would leave.
Speaker 4: Trit little tracks. Yeah, your dog and Barfy. It made
Speaker 4: me laugh every time.
Speaker 3: There would be episodes, and I think I'll call him episodes.
Speaker 3: It's just a single panel, no jokes. Every once in
Speaker 3: a while it would be like Grandma lost her leg
Speaker 3: to an angel named diabetes. No, I remember that, and
Speaker 3: then an angel floating away or maybe that was a parody.
Speaker 3: I mean that was in Mad Magazine. I don't know.
Speaker 3: It was always like a lot of like it's very spiritual, spiritual,
Speaker 3: like God stuff in lieu of a joke, and it's
Speaker 3: one panel, so it's like you better have and every
Speaker 3: once in a while you have it.
Speaker 4: Every once in a while. It was funny Bill Keene,
Speaker 4: Bill Keen, but it was mostly it was for families.
Speaker 4: It was something to cut out and put on the refrigerator.
Speaker 3: Yeah, easy light, Yeah, a non offensive but he.
Speaker 4: Used to eat mushrooms by the handful. No amazing. Bill
Speaker 4: keaneould get all fucked up and then draw Billy walking
Speaker 4: all over the city.
Speaker 3: Just that's him super tripping out because I whoa look
Speaker 3: at this perforated line, how it twists and bends everything
Speaker 3: else though I've measured the houses, it's all perfect lines.
Speaker 4: But not Billy's feet walking everywhere.
Speaker 3: Ah United features Syndic.
Speaker 4: What is your favorite opening credits.
Speaker 3: Thing?
Speaker 4: Do you know what I'm talking about? Like off the cuff,
Speaker 4: I would answer the one that was at the beginning
Speaker 4: of The Muppet Show where it was like three spinning
Speaker 4: worlds it looked like and it was like, oh, really
Speaker 4: old looking. It looked like if it was from like
Speaker 4: the late sixties.
Speaker 3: Of all time. It would have to be HBO because
Speaker 3: they would I have always loved miniatures. I as a kid,
Speaker 3: and my dad will tell you I wanted a dollhouse
Speaker 3: just because there's a tiny toaster in a little bed
Speaker 3: and little pillows and I just thought that was the coolest,
Speaker 3: and it is. I'd put army guys in there. You're
Speaker 3: no bag, yeah, yeah, I'm no Nancy Pants, but uh
Speaker 3: but yeah, the the beginning of the HBO that later
Speaker 3: became that logo.
Speaker 4: And then it's like Silver Streak with Gene Milder.
Speaker 3: Yeah, it's you go in. Here's the great part that no,
Speaker 3: and maybe because now they have maybe not even anymore.
Speaker 3: They just had the HBO logo pre motion graphics. It
Speaker 3: is a animated model, chromed out that flies up. But
Speaker 3: before that, you are the po V of this logo
Speaker 3: flying above a city and there's tiny cars and some
Speaker 3: of them I would look and them like that's a
Speaker 3: matchbox car, this is a giant, this is like uh,
Speaker 3: you know, several tables of all train set mini treat like.
Speaker 3: As a young my dad and I used to do
Speaker 3: like we did like a train set with trees and
Speaker 3: little ice skaters and a tunnel. I was so into that.
Speaker 3: I would go into the hobby stores look at all
Speaker 3: the tiny stuff and I wanted all of it. But
Speaker 3: it's super expensive, but it was so cool. That is
Speaker 3: the best intro thing.
Speaker 4: I totally agree with that. But I also really loved
Speaker 4: the TriStar horse, the Pegasus.
Speaker 3: And enveloping and then getting frozen into a.
Speaker 4: Line, you know, yes, which that part made me sad.
Speaker 4: But the beginning where it's likeaana. The first time I
Speaker 4: saw that in the movie theater, a voice in my
Speaker 4: head said, I'm going to be in the movies, and
Speaker 4: then I was like, I'm going to be in tri
Speaker 4: star movies. That's I only wanted to be in a
Speaker 4: movie that had that at the beginning, and now they
Speaker 4: don't have it anymore.
Speaker 3: The other night, watched because it's on Netflix, and I
Speaker 3: really haven't seen it since I was a kid. I
Speaker 3: never watched it any other time in my life.
Speaker 4: Et Oh.
Speaker 3: I had not seen et since I was a little kid,
Speaker 3: and so of course it does hold up. I did cry.
Speaker 3: There is a scene where, uh, what is ambling? Oh,
Speaker 3: Ambulin's like an old movie, maybe his first movie, so
Speaker 3: that's the name of it. But there is a scene
Speaker 3: where he rides the bike. Yeah, and because I recognized well,
Speaker 3: that then triggered the logo for Amblin Entertainment. I swear
Speaker 3: I teared up for that more than the Dying alien,
Speaker 3: because frankly is not that well animated.
Speaker 4: No, it's a weird rubbery puppet that when it's dying,
Speaker 4: you're like stopping, so pathetic.
Speaker 3: Et Yeah, and they really phoned it in. Maybe they
Speaker 3: were all coked up, and they were dealing too much
Speaker 3: with putting the tent around the house that they just
Speaker 3: put baby powder on the model and they're like, yeah,
Speaker 3: just leave him there, and he's hugging him and he
Speaker 3: just jiggles because he's a rubber. It started to seem
Speaker 3: like the movie that you showed me that changed my life.
Speaker 4: Macimm Mac and Me it's start.
Speaker 3: I'm like, wait, Mac and Me wasn't that far off.
Speaker 4: No, No, they almost did a kind of a good
Speaker 4: job with it.
Speaker 3: Yeah, well considerat it's like Mac and mee, come on,
Speaker 3: eyes a little hard on you. And at the end
Speaker 3: of maca me if you'll watch it, and everyone should.
Speaker 3: At the end, there's a promise and then when the bubblegum,
Speaker 3: you know, when they're all driving as an American family
Speaker 3: with red, white and blue neck ties.
Speaker 8: Yeah, they're sworn in as Americans. So one of the
Speaker 8: members of the family choose a bubblegum bubble and it says,
Speaker 8: will be back, And you know what, I haven't seen
Speaker 8: a sequel for Mac and Me McDonald's.
Speaker 4: I don't think that McDonald's understood how bad they were
Speaker 4: at screenwriting or true entertainment that they're they needed to
Speaker 4: focus on on meal deals on very finely chopped onions.
Speaker 3: I do think that the things that they're good. How
Speaker 3: do they do it?
Speaker 4: Actually? I just made my own mouthwater because that's the McDonald's.
Speaker 4: As you know, I was very addicted to McDonald's.
Speaker 3: Finally chopped onions mixed with mustard.
Speaker 4: That's and then just a touch of ketchup and then
Speaker 4: those insane almost like pickles that seem like there's some
Speaker 4: chemical involved, like it's not just pickle Brian, like it
Speaker 4: might be the thing that you put dead frogs in
Speaker 4: when you have to cut them open in high school.
Speaker 3: What's our specific sandwich? And I is a big fan
Speaker 3: that was hot on one side and pool on the other.
Speaker 3: McDLT because one thing it's a mcdeal.
Speaker 4: No McDLT Oh right, yeah, something lettuce and tomato. Yeah,
Speaker 4: what's that d I could be wrong, but oh.
Speaker 3: I forgot they made those with dick meat. Come on,
Speaker 3: come on, I just don't like hot pickles. I don't really.
Speaker 4: Yeah, so you were excited that they were combined cold pickles.
Speaker 3: I need the combination. There's that place by the house,
Speaker 3: would I get breakfast burritos and the salsa they bring warm.
Speaker 3: It's like if you don't think a person doesn't allow
Speaker 3: to dip their hot food into a cold salsa, Yeah,
Speaker 3: you're sadly mistaken in your kitchen needs a revamp.
Speaker 4: But I guess I get I'm defensive now because I
Speaker 4: feel like the combination of flavors on the McDonald's cheeseburger
Speaker 4: is perfection, and they are hot pickles because it's all microwaved.
Speaker 3: Well they I think it's probably not the temperatum what
Speaker 3: they did. They just put they inject it with something
Speaker 3: else that's like an addictive.
Speaker 4: Active, right, like cocaine, Yeah, coke, sugar. There were definitely
Speaker 4: times where I was at the McDonald's drive through going like,
Speaker 4: this is a you're having like a bottoming out watershed
Speaker 4: moment right now eating this food.
Speaker 3: Again, I didn't know I when I it's I don't
Speaker 3: know how I survived during lunchtime all through high school
Speaker 3: because I didn't get My mom would occasionally give me money,
Speaker 3: and uh, but it would be like two bucks for
Speaker 3: the day, and you could eat for two dollars back then,
Speaker 3: and I would go to Burger King or McDonald's and
Speaker 3: get like two burgers, two fries, two dollars and I didn't.
Speaker 3: I didn't even pay attention to what I was eating
Speaker 3: at all. I just eat whatever I could get, right,
Speaker 3: And I think that's probably still a thing.
Speaker 4: Yes, one hundred percent. Well, that's why fast food is
Speaker 4: so evil. It is because they fill everything with sugar
Speaker 4: and salt and fat, which, like when you combine all
Speaker 4: those things become an addictive like combination to your system.
Speaker 4: But also they make it cheaps and convenient, so it's
Speaker 4: like there's nothing you want to do less. If you're overweight,
Speaker 4: then get out of your car and go into a
Speaker 4: place to show that you're eating again that you can
Speaker 4: hide in the privacy of your car. Oh my god.
Speaker 4: It's the greatest and at the same time worst invention
Speaker 4: of all time.
Speaker 3: Yeah. Rough, I mean I didn't have any options, and
Speaker 3: that's funny. My mom was like vegan. I just should
Speaker 3: have been like, hey, can you make me stuff?
Speaker 4: But would you?
Speaker 3: I don't think it's not cool. I yeah, I just
Speaker 3: want to eat something.
Speaker 4: Yeah yeah, yeah, that's true.
Speaker 3: I but you're right though, I did want to leave
Speaker 3: school with my friends. And you're pretty much a doric
Speaker 3: if you bring a bag of sweaty eggplant.
Speaker 4: Yeah, no, that wouldn't you. And it's it's not convenient,
Speaker 4: it's she was probably offered all the time.
Speaker 3: God damn it.
Speaker 4: I bet you did well because she probably wanted you to.
Speaker 4: I mean, yeah, the when you have the option, like
Speaker 4: you're gonna want Taco Bell over anything else, or you're
Speaker 4: gonna want whatever your thing is.
Speaker 3: I forgot about Taco Bell. I really just want to.
Speaker 4: Eat there because it's the cheapest too. Men you and
Speaker 4: it's the like, I don't know, there's a real situation
Speaker 4: happening with the crunchiness they had.
Speaker 3: They had something it's gone now, but they had something
Speaker 3: called the Fiesta Menu, and everything on it was thirty
Speaker 3: nine cents. So I would just show up and go,
Speaker 3: I'll have the entire menu and throw my two dollars
Speaker 3: and some change down and I would get it was
Speaker 3: a tiny little cue taco and a little tiny burrito.
Speaker 3: It's a bunch of variety. You get all.
Speaker 4: It was your miniatures again, they were tiny.
Speaker 3: That's why I liked it. Yeah, dollhouse tacos, fun, doll
Speaker 3: house burrito.
Speaker 4: Cute, Yeah, like almost like our dors.
Speaker 3: A little burrito. I'd throw it in the air and
Speaker 3: land in my mouth. One failed swoop swallow. It didn't
Speaker 3: even chew, it just swallowed it like a pill.
Speaker 4: Do you remember the Taco light that was a flower
Speaker 4: shell instead of corn tortilla.
Speaker 3: Oh yeah, because it's the corn tortilla that's really bringing
Speaker 3: us down, giving us all sugar four.
Speaker 4: Well, what they were doing was like taking advantage of
Speaker 4: people's of dumb people who would think that because it's
Speaker 4: a flower shell that it's lighter in calories. They were
Speaker 4: just calling it taco light, but it was it was
Speaker 4: probably more color because it was deep fried flower. Oh
Speaker 4: that's funny, but they were so delicious. A taco light
Speaker 4: that was my favorite thing, and they.
Speaker 3: Got to remember the taco light. Yeah, Taco light and
Speaker 3: they were on Yeah, it's like, oh they're onto us. Yes,
Speaker 3: it's just we added gluten.
Speaker 4: But no. You know, our friend Jimmy Chung was a
Speaker 4: manager at Taco Bell when we were in college, and
Speaker 4: he said they got rid of the Tago lights because
Speaker 4: when they ship them and they arrived, like the three
Speaker 4: quarters of them would be broken because you can't it's flower,
Speaker 4: deep fried flower.
Speaker 3: Shell, very brittle. Yeah. I had a friend that worked
Speaker 3: there and uh he uh, he said, the boxes of
Speaker 3: meat came in. It just said cartoonishly in giant bold helvetica.
Speaker 3: Grade F.
Speaker 4: No, grade F. What does that stand for?
Speaker 3: It's a suck. Let's see, it's five after a.
Speaker 4: I mean, well, there was that article that said that
Speaker 4: Taco bell meat was partially sawdust. Did you have ever
Speaker 4: seen that light?
Speaker 3: Yeah? And I think that is why it comes in.
Speaker 3: It's that's done before and then it shows up and
Speaker 3: it's like, yeah, it's mostly beef. So it's a lower grade.
Speaker 4: Yeah, the lowest grade, I believe.
Speaker 3: But when I was young, I remember food be It's like, oh,
Speaker 3: you don't want to eat that. It's mostly soy meat.
Speaker 3: It's like, well, that's like a thing that is the
Speaker 3: basis of a lot of vegan diets. Now, is that
Speaker 3: really that bad?
Speaker 4: It's not a problem. It's not sawdust though, I mean
Speaker 4: what barroom floor is it coming off of before they
Speaker 4: mix it in?
Speaker 3: Or you know when I changed my own my dad
Speaker 3: taught me and changed my own oil. When you spill
Speaker 3: the oil in the garage, what do you put down?
Speaker 4: Sawdust?
Speaker 8: Or a.
Speaker 3: Cat that you've had cremated? You can put that down.
Speaker 4: The ashes of a cat. Can I tell you about
Speaker 4: I can't remember if you're the kind of person that
Speaker 4: will bum out forever if I tell you the story
Speaker 4: or not.
Speaker 3: Is it about dog dying?
Speaker 4: No, it is about the Taco Bell that used to
Speaker 4: go to when I was in college in Sacramento. My
Speaker 4: friend Charlie Bormalini, who was in my sister's class, who
Speaker 4: was also up there with us, called Taco Bell Church,
Speaker 4: and so he'd come by my apartment. We all lived
Speaker 4: in the same apartment complex. We'd be like, I want
Speaker 4: to go to church, and I'd be like, sure, he
Speaker 4: was a big stonor I was a big Stonor We'd
Speaker 4: end up at Taco Bell and just sit there with
Speaker 4: big red eyes, eating all as everyone was doing in
Speaker 4: the nineties.
Speaker 3: I was too scared.
Speaker 4: So then, like I'd say, six years later, No, it
Speaker 4: was the shortened now. It was much more recent than that.
Speaker 4: That's me. This is a bummer story.
Speaker 5: Is it.
Speaker 3: I don't I'll take it, okay.
Speaker 4: Yeah, Like maybe three years later there was an article
Speaker 4: about I can't remember how far the time frame. Eventually
Speaker 4: there was an article that revealed that someone that worked
Speaker 4: at that Taco Bell that we went to was shitting
Speaker 4: in the beans.
Speaker 3: Oh no, yes, like a crazy person that was angry
Speaker 3: at their job. Yes, shitting in the beans.
Speaker 4: Shitting in the beans. So we don't know.
Speaker 3: There's a child that died in Colorado. I remember at
Speaker 3: a Jack in the box.
Speaker 4: That's baby eight poop oh, because someone had done baby died.
Speaker 3: Yeah, and I have that to me was I'm like,
Speaker 3: that was the ugliest thing I had ever heard of.
Speaker 3: I didn't know guns existed. Yeah, and I was like, well,
Speaker 3: then why should we stay alive? I'm twelve and that's
Speaker 3: the worst.
Speaker 4: That's really awful.
Speaker 3: Yeah. I got a screen some of these fast food works.
Speaker 4: I mean, I thought about it for so long after
Speaker 4: I just I should have done some kind of a
Speaker 4: FeAs alert.
Speaker 5: I actually just looked up grade F beef.
Speaker 7: Oh yeah, go, and there's a Snopes article saying that
Speaker 7: meat is not graded by letters.
Speaker 5: Really it is a false legend.
Speaker 3: Oh wow.
Speaker 4: Yeah, well that's no fun.
Speaker 3: Josh Harris, you're gonna hear from me. Gosh.
Speaker 7: They did say it is most commonly attributed to Taco
Speaker 7: Bell because we just don't believe that that the meat,
Speaker 7: that the food there can be so cheap and still
Speaker 7: be how about how about.
Speaker 4: My sawdust article? Though?
Speaker 5: Did you know that that wasn't that was a thing
Speaker 5: that I know that for sure.
Speaker 4: Yeah, thanks Saron.
Speaker 5: Well what's the.
Speaker 3: Grade a certified angus?
Speaker 5: You know there are certifications, but they're not by letter.
Speaker 5: They're like, like you said, like.
Speaker 3: Certified certified angus.
Speaker 5: Yeah, there's a bunch of words. I forgot trise just now.
Speaker 3: Wow. Well maybe yeah, maybe because I my friend. Yeah,
Speaker 3: you know what, Josh, Josh can tell a tale out
Speaker 3: of school.
Speaker 4: Look, we all can. I told you when there was
Speaker 4: a comic book book called the Big Book series called
Speaker 4: the Big Book of Blanks. So it would be like
Speaker 4: the Big Book of Criminals or the Big Book of
Speaker 4: Urban Life Jens, or the Big Book or whatever. And
Speaker 4: so they had all these popular comic book artists who
Speaker 4: who would be matched with writers, and then they had
Speaker 4: a topic. It was like Big Book of the seventies.
Speaker 4: And then it was like the Manson murders. And so
Speaker 4: like a certain comic book artist was drawing the pictures
Speaker 4: and another guy's writing. They're the it's the coolest series
Speaker 4: because it's like a lot of cool, great information, but
Speaker 4: you take it in in this really great way, and
Speaker 4: it's every two pages the art changes, so it's you
Speaker 4: get it's it's a really great idea. The Big Book
Speaker 4: of Urban Legends. Every almost every single story in this book,
Speaker 4: one of my relatives had told me, as this happened
Speaker 4: in my neighbor. This happened to my dentist.
Speaker 3: Hate spiders a night that you swallow, Yes, all of it.
Speaker 4: The woman in the hotel elevator who gets in with
Speaker 4: a black man who has a dog, and when the
Speaker 4: elev vaders doors close, the guy says on the floor, lady,
Speaker 4: and she drops the ground and then it turns out
Speaker 4: he's talking to his dog. And there she's so embarrassed,
Speaker 4: and it turns out to be Lionel Richie what or
Speaker 4: it turns out to be seen. That was an urban
Speaker 4: legend that like, like one of my aunts told us,
Speaker 4: like it was her friend that went to.
Speaker 3: Last It was popular made it in this book.
Speaker 4: Yes, it's a classic urban legend. Like you know, there's
Speaker 4: the other one of like the people that go down
Speaker 4: to Mexico and they bring back a stray dog and
Speaker 4: then eventually find out it's a rat. It's just like
Speaker 4: a rat like it's they think it's a chiuala that
Speaker 4: they found on the street, and so they bring it
Speaker 4: home their kids have it and hugging it. You have
Speaker 4: to read this book.
Speaker 3: It's awesome.
Speaker 4: And that one I heard, there was a million of
Speaker 4: them that I heard. That's the fun of urban legends
Speaker 4: is you basically someone tells you something you love to hear,
Speaker 4: and then when you repeat it, you just slightly change
Speaker 4: source so that it's a little more believable. Right.
Speaker 3: Oh, and then they get all I don't know that
Speaker 3: I know of any offhand that my dad didn't. The
Speaker 3: one my dad told me is Albert Broccoli, who started
Speaker 3: James Bond. James Bond character enfranchised his family, invented broccoli
Speaker 3: the vegetable, and I did.
Speaker 4: It.
Speaker 3: I did find articles though that say his families were farmers,
Speaker 3: and then I did find other articles that say broccoli
Speaker 3: was made in the early fifties by combining cauliflower and
Speaker 3: some other green vegetables. Finich, I think, yeah, so those
Speaker 3: two element but never like a direct link.
Speaker 4: Now that sounds like a total dad, lie, it does.
Speaker 4: It does, But you're saying it's true.
Speaker 3: Each half of it is true. Broccoli was invented, it
Speaker 3: was created, it's made. It is a man made vegetable.
Speaker 4: It's a man made broccoli is a.
Speaker 3: Genetically modified cauliflower that wasn't available to children, and say
Speaker 3: the potato famine right or in the forties or whatever.
Speaker 3: But and then Albert Brockli, the guy his family is farming.
Speaker 3: I don't know. I'm just saying the elements are there.
Speaker 4: I mean, look, if he is from a family that
Speaker 4: has invented broccoli, they're millionaires. He has the time to write.
Speaker 4: He's got all those vitamins in his system.
Speaker 3: Right, brain food, he's eating his greens.
Speaker 4: He's like, I have an idea, what about a great spy?
Speaker 3: I think you just solved the mystery. I'm gonna look
Speaker 3: it up later.
Speaker 4: Yeah, there's a lot of things.
Speaker 3: To anyone out there listening. You know. If you can
Speaker 3: do me the favor of just really going into a
Speaker 3: deep investigation with this Albert broccoli thing, and it said
Speaker 3: a link to the vegetable broccoli, that'd be really helpful.
Speaker 4: Wait a second, I have an idea that's separate from this.
Speaker 4: Oh okay, why don't you right now take a picture
Speaker 4: for your bumble profile. Do it right now with your
Speaker 4: cans and your microphone.
Speaker 3: Oh okay, but it's gonna don't kill straight into it, Yes,
Speaker 3: because I don't it's gonna look. So I'm not gonna
Speaker 3: look into the camera. I'm just gonna be talking. And
Speaker 3: so we're talking. And here's another point I'm gonna make
Speaker 3: as a broadcast journalist. Take the photo and then did
Speaker 3: you take it? Yea?
Speaker 4: I took three choices. Oh, thank you, finger up, finger down?
Speaker 3: Okay, uh yep.
Speaker 4: So then Cloak, go edit that so it's a little closer,
Speaker 4: I would say, Okay, so they can. They don't think
Speaker 4: you're trying to avoid being seen, right right, then if
Speaker 4: there's girls on Bumble who are fans of yours and
Speaker 4: like this podcast or like your comedy, they recognize you.
Speaker 3: Oh but that's not I don't why I want.
Speaker 4: I want to be strangers, I know, But what who
Speaker 4: are you looking for? Someone you already know.
Speaker 3: Someone that it doesn't exist, somebody it's it's funny. When
Speaker 3: you joke sing, you're just like me. But when you
Speaker 3: regular sing, you're amazing. Have you noticed that.
Speaker 4: You know? I prefer comedy to everything else, So it's
Speaker 4: better to be funny than good.
Speaker 3: I've noticed that though you're joke saying it like I
Speaker 3: could joke sing like you.
Speaker 4: Somebuddy that used to know that's right, yeah, yeah, and like.
Speaker 3: Someone's mom and a mall and then you but man
Speaker 3: on the stage.
Speaker 4: Well that's when I really turned into voice.
Speaker 3: Yeah.
Speaker 4: Yeah, that's when I really poured out. That's when I
Speaker 4: really so.
Speaker 3: There is an on and off switch to the genius switch. Sorry,
Speaker 3: there's no off button on the genius machine. Whatever. It's
Speaker 3: a shirt that.
Speaker 4: Michell, there's no off switch on the genius machine.
Speaker 3: I swear that's maybe a childhood picture.
Speaker 4: That's really funny, so braggy.
Speaker 3: It's a funny shirt for the little kid there. It
Speaker 3: wasn't like a growd. She wasn't like wearing it to
Speaker 3: business meetings, No, no.
Speaker 4: No, but I had to compete. I had one that
Speaker 4: said just said perfect ten that I used to wear
Speaker 4: when I was like probably eleven or twelve years old.
Speaker 4: But perfect ten was in quotes. So yeah, kind of like,
Speaker 4: oh look at this perfect ten over here.
Speaker 3: Yeah, there's a yeah, the restaurant down the street from me,
Speaker 3: in this Italian place. If you like in quotes, uh, pizza,
Speaker 3: you'll quote love hours. No what so it's a secret.
Speaker 3: Are you being sarcastic?
Speaker 4: Yeah? Oh do you like pizza?
Speaker 3: When I was ten, I had to eatn ain't cheat,
Speaker 3: And sure, what is that? I mean it's sexual?
Speaker 4: Oh oh oh.
Speaker 3: And I had it and it was over sized, and
Speaker 3: neither my parents or I knew what it actually meant.
Speaker 3: And I remember having it and it was like a
Speaker 3: tiny little man wore it once and I had a
Speaker 3: lot of old clothes and I had this eating ate
Speaker 3: cheating shirt. Oh my god, and there's a cartoon on it,
Speaker 3: and I was like, oh, that's funny. It rhymes I
Speaker 3: like eating, but it is a eating in a sexual
Speaker 3: way that is not actually cheating on your wife.
Speaker 4: Yes, that's right, little kid.
Speaker 3: Yeah, that shirt is the best.
Speaker 4: It's so funny.
Speaker 3: I mean, if ever someone saw me in that and
Speaker 3: saw me somewhere, some grown man is like, that's the
Speaker 3: coolest little kid ever.
Speaker 4: You would have gone. I know, it's hilarious.
Speaker 3: Yeah.
Speaker 4: There is a picture that my uncle showed me one time.
Speaker 4: A woman He took it a like at a festival.
Speaker 4: This was like early eighties, and she had these big,
Speaker 4: huge boobs and she was wearing a T shirt. It
Speaker 4: was like, you know, late seventies, early eighties, so she
Speaker 4: wasn't wearing a bra and the front of the teacher's
Speaker 4: T shirt said I wish these were brains.
Speaker 3: Oh that's so funny, I know.
Speaker 4: Which meant she must have had brains if she was
Speaker 4: smart enough to Yeah, ye, all those on over her
Speaker 4: big huge boobs.
Speaker 3: God, yeah, you can have brains and boobs. Yeah, of course,
Speaker 3: come on, come on. It's just if anything, they could
Speaker 3: have just developed at the same time in your life.
Speaker 4: What if they developed at equal pace, and so the
Speaker 4: bigger your boobs are, the smarter you are. That would
Speaker 4: be very threatening to the patriarchy.
Speaker 3: I tried to write a joke about it, but the
Speaker 3: statistically your eggs as a woman, your eggs develop while
Speaker 3: you're inside your mom. So like I think about my mom.
Speaker 3: The eggs that created me developed inside my mom while
Speaker 3: she was inside my grandma.
Speaker 4: Ewwaw.
Speaker 3: I'm not gonna tell a joke about it, but that's
Speaker 3: meant Yeah, it's like, think about that. Think about out
Speaker 3: how the eggs and your mom developed while inside her,
Speaker 3: while inside your grandma. Think about that the next time
Speaker 3: you're trying not to get a boner. I don't know,
Speaker 3: I don't know what the joke is.
Speaker 4: What about the next time you're at brunch trying to
Speaker 4: order eggs, Think.
Speaker 3: About the next time you're trying to order eggs.
Speaker 4: You're trying to decide between scrambled and if for tata.
Speaker 4: Think about that.
Speaker 3: That is there is there is a comic that I'm
Speaker 3: not I don't I'm not like a huge fan of.
Speaker 3: But Jimmy Schubert has the best joke about because I've
Speaker 3: thought about it in my life. But he has a
Speaker 3: joke about chicken being in an omelet, and it's like,
Speaker 3: that's not a breakfast, that's a family vendetta. It's like
Speaker 3: the best.
Speaker 4: Jokes, Such a good joke.
Speaker 3: Yeah, yeah, it's that the eggs and the parent meet.
Speaker 4: Yeah, it's an observation anyone can relate to. Yeah, we
Speaker 4: all know what he's talking About've.
Speaker 3: All had chicken almus, We've all been trying to be
Speaker 3: high protein. We know you're taking out parents and their kids.
Speaker 4: Taking them all out, and you're strafing. That would be
Speaker 4: the word. Sure, sure, like machine gun style.
Speaker 3: Here's a secret about me. When I don't know a word,
Speaker 3: I pretend I do strafing. Yes, oh, strafing is the word?
Speaker 4: I strifing strife, Yes, yes, that's past tense of strafing.
Speaker 4: Yeah yeah, yeah, well I guess in conclusion, Yeah, yeah,
Speaker 4: are we yeah.
Speaker 3: Yeah, no, we always be when it's just you and I.
Speaker 3: We time it perfectly. Yea, we're gonna get you out
Speaker 3: of here. Aeron Erin, thanks for help helping today. Yeah, yeah, Aaron,
Speaker 3: of course, thanks to our guest and anything. What do
Speaker 3: you got coming up?
Speaker 4: I'm not doing anything these days because I'm tie tie uh.
Speaker 3: Me too, me too.
Speaker 4: I'm tired. Yeah, I'm tired.
Speaker 3: I've been this way. I ran here park far away
Speaker 3: and I ran and it felt good. And no, my
Speaker 3: hip is throbbing. Oh, I got it. I'm gonna get surgery.
Speaker 3: That's why I got I'm plugging my surgery that's in January.
Speaker 4: Oh for real, you scheduled it.
Speaker 3: Gonna get a new leg.
Speaker 4: Yeah, the whole thing, just the whole leg.
Speaker 3: They're doing a lot. It's very expensive, but I'm gonna
Speaker 3: get a robot leg. Yeah, yeah, okay, yeah, I just
Speaker 3: wanted to go leg.
Speaker 4: Is it gonna have a gun in it? Yes, like
Speaker 4: Rose McGowan in that movie.
Speaker 3: Freeze.
Speaker 4: Is it gonna have to wear a shoe or you're fine?
Speaker 4: Just right on the side.
Speaker 3: I'll wear a shoe, even if it's wet. I'll wear
Speaker 3: a shoe.
Speaker 4: And would you ever switch it with you know, like,
Speaker 4: interchange it with an arm?
Speaker 3: Sure?
Speaker 4: Sure, sure, an arm? Can I ask again? Yeah? Yeah,
Speaker 4: would you ever keep a bird inside that leg?
Speaker 3: Sure? Sure? But I don't understand.
Speaker 4: I don't either. I just was trying to think a
Speaker 4: good to make.
Speaker 3: It's like, guys, don't worry, I'll kick you that soccer ball.
Speaker 3: Oh look at this pretty little bird. Oh I don't
Speaker 3: know my own strength. I kill it. Thank you for
Speaker 3: going just this fully hour.
Speaker 4: Guys.
Speaker 3: I'm one of the best folly artists.
Speaker 4: Chris has a strong future in the folic arts.
Speaker 3: I like making sound effects, so so what of it?
Speaker 1: So what?
Speaker 4: Oh?
Speaker 3: You know what?
Speaker 4: I can plug even though it's pretty far away. Uh?
Speaker 4: Is next month, the October what do we like to
Speaker 4: call it? The October Business Class is going to be Wednesday,
Speaker 4: October Monday eleven. It's going to be the twelfth.
Speaker 3: I believe terrific. I have that day open.
Speaker 4: Great, you're the headliner, okay me, Chris Fairbanks, April Richardson,
Speaker 4: Uh well, let me look at my you already have
Speaker 4: it that book? Oh yeah, we booked this thing. Andrew Mitchen,
Speaker 4: I've actually Sean yeah, michean, He's so funny.
Speaker 3: He's the best. And here's something you wouldn't know about.
Speaker 3: He's one of the best skateboarders I've ever witnessed.
Speaker 4: What.
Speaker 3: Yeah, he's phenomenally good and he rarely does it, but
Speaker 3: he's from Portland and I went with him to a pool,
Speaker 3: a big bowl and he is almost professionally good. He's
Speaker 3: that's good crazy, he's super good.
Speaker 4: Uh. That makes me love him?
Speaker 3: Yeah, I love him.
Speaker 4: I already loved him because he's so funny. His stand
Speaker 4: up is beautiful and he's super funny on Twitter. So anyway,
Speaker 4: he's going to be on there. Barbara Gray is going
Speaker 4: to be on there.
Speaker 3: She's the best. She makes me laugh always. God damn.
Speaker 4: Her comedy is hilarious. She's one of my favorite comics
Speaker 4: to watch. Our friend Dave Anthony is going to be
Speaker 4: on that show.
Speaker 3: Oh that's terrific.
Speaker 4: Uh yea, Sir Lester is going to do the show.
Speaker 4: He's he's the best.
Speaker 3: Did you see that picture? He saw? It was very confusing.
Speaker 3: He posted it. It was just like our trust us
Speaker 3: for your towing and uh salvage needs and then there's
Speaker 3: just a giant swastika and it says akk no giant
Speaker 3: and a Confederate flag, and I guess I had message
Speaker 3: MS like, did you are you? I'm sorry that you're
Speaker 3: in a place where you saw that in person, But he.
Speaker 4: Said he got it off the internet.
Speaker 3: But I'm just like, all hate a side. That's such
Speaker 3: confusing advertising.
Speaker 4: It's insanity. Yeah, it must have been in the South,
Speaker 4: right where a lot of people are okay with that
Speaker 4: kind of bullshit.
Speaker 3: I think it was a Florida license plate, so.
Speaker 4: That makes sense.
Speaker 3: Need we say more?
Speaker 4: Our last guest on that show is going to be
Speaker 4: Lizzie Cooperman. I mean, oh, she's best Lizzie Cooperman. That
Speaker 4: the October show is gonna be goddamn great.
Speaker 3: Oh man, you gotta get down to business class. If
Speaker 3: you live in Los Angeles and if you lived anywhere
Speaker 3: else you got an airport. Quit being lazy. Come on,
Speaker 3: is that too aggressive?
Speaker 4: Now?
Speaker 3: It's fine?
Speaker 4: Okay, it's at the Improv Lab October, when it's the
Speaker 4: second Wednesday of October, which I believe is the twelfth
Speaker 4: at ten pm, and all those great comics. Me and
Speaker 4: April Richardson host it, Chris Fairbanks headlines it. It's always
Speaker 4: the best.
Speaker 3: It's gonna be great, and I'll have some new material,
Speaker 3: and I'm gonna shy away from all these masturbation and
Speaker 3: fart jokes, even though I like making them and it's
Speaker 3: fun for me. I'm gonna start I'm gonna crack that.
Speaker 3: I'm gonna start talking about I don't know.
Speaker 4: I'm gonna talk about your problems on bumble.
Speaker 3: Maybe I will. That's real life stuff.
Speaker 4: That's real, and do stuff to try to get bits going, like, uh,
Speaker 4: I guess you can't. Men can't do anything on bumble right.
Speaker 3: Nough, Yeah, I don't. It all horrifies me. But I
Speaker 3: am going to talk about my life.
Speaker 4: Okay, we'll do. What I'm saying is do what you want?
Speaker 3: Going to start revealing who I am as a person.
Speaker 4: I don't know about that, but I mean, I.
Speaker 3: Don't know if people want to see that.
Speaker 4: Nobody wants to see that.
Speaker 3: Chris Well, I am. I agree. You've been listening. Do
Speaker 3: you need a ride?
Speaker 4: Do you wyan are way?
Speaker 1: Everybody us time and they turn and all engage. We
Speaker 1: want to send you off inside. You want to welcome
Speaker 1: you back home?
Speaker 4: Tell us all about it.
Speaker 3: We scared her?
Speaker 4: Was it fine? Malborn? Do you need to ride? Do
Speaker 4: you need to ride.
Speaker 3: Do you need to ride?
Speaker 4: Do you need to ride? Do you need to ride?
Speaker 3: Do you need With Karen and chriss
Speaker 4: Mm hm