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Speaker 1: It's the radio segment that's trying anything and everything to

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Speaker 1: go viral. His latest attempt was doing the Gognam style

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Speaker 1: dance on a glass table over a bed of steak knives.

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Speaker 2: Oh my god, it's seven views in counting. Go check

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Speaker 2: it out.

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Speaker 1: With Laser Stories, the segment where we read weird news

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Speaker 1: stories around the globe, just like everyone else does, except

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Speaker 1: we've got a laser and those are there slippy trippies.

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Speaker 1: Just this first laser story is out of that doesn't

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Speaker 1: taste quite right Headquarters if you're not familiar, The restaurant

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Speaker 1: chain Chopped has about eighty locations around the country and

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Speaker 1: they call themselves the Creative Salad Company.

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Speaker 3: Oh okay, it's one of those salad bowl mixing places

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Speaker 3: where you go in.

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Speaker 2: Yeah, that's the main thing they serve.

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Speaker 1: But a Connecticut woman named Alison Cosey just filed a

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Speaker 1: lawsuit after an ingredient she did not ask for ended

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Speaker 1: up up in her salad.

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Speaker 3: Please tell me it wasn't someone's finger. Well, I mean

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Speaker 3: it's chopped, right, so it seems like there's some problems.

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Speaker 2: That's why think Yeah.

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Speaker 1: Well, according to reports, after taking a fork full, she

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Speaker 1: started chewing on something a little weird. A few seconds later,

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Speaker 1: she realized the thing she was gnawing on was part

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Speaker 1: of someone's fingers.

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Speaker 3: That was like, that was oh ha, it's obviously going

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Speaker 3: to be a dead rat. What.

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Speaker 1: According to the lawsuit, the manager of the store was

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Speaker 1: chopping arugula, lopped off part of her left index finger,

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Speaker 1: and then had to be rushed to the er.

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Speaker 3: But my god, it's like eating at my mom's house.

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Speaker 3: I mean, there's always a little bit of my mom's.

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Speaker 2: Blood in our food. She cuts herself no matter.

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Speaker 3: What, honest.

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Speaker 1: But the store stayed open and they still serve some

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Speaker 1: of the lettuce that she'd been prepared.

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Speaker 2: Why are you chopp at arugula too? It's like already

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Speaker 2: so small.

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Speaker 1: Even though this happened more than six months ago, Alison

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Speaker 1: just filed her lawsuit on Monday. Yeah, says she's been

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Speaker 1: dealing with stress, anxiety, and panic attacks for months.

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Speaker 4: Yeah.

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Speaker 3: I don't blame her.

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Speaker 1: She's not only biting her own fingernail, she's biting other people's.

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Speaker 2: No word on how much she's suing for, but apparently

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Speaker 2: it's a lot. Yeah, I will too.

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Speaker 3: She can't ever eat a salad again, though, as her chopped.

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Speaker 1: They're getting a lot of bad press for this, but

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Speaker 1: it is pretty on brand with their names, so maybe

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Speaker 1: that just evens out.

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Speaker 3: Okay, we were wishing for an equal I break.

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Speaker 2: Out just stereotyped this. Next.

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Speaker 1: The story is out of Bethesda, Maryland. A man named

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Speaker 1: Dan Stanford pulled up to a business, put his Porsche

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Speaker 1: in park, and right as he was getting out of

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Speaker 1: the car, three men grabbed.

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Speaker 2: Him and demanded his keys.

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Speaker 3: Oh my gosh, see that's why you got to drive

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Speaker 3: not such a nice car.

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Speaker 2: Yeah, honestly, that's true. And then they started pistol whipping

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Speaker 2: him with a gun. Is terrible.

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Speaker 3: How scary guys?

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Speaker 1: Do you know how quickly I would give up my car,

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Speaker 1: Like why are you pistol whipping me?

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Speaker 2: You can look at me weird, and I'm like, I'll

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Speaker 2: give it to you.

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Speaker 1: Eventually, Dan threw the keys at the men and ran

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Speaker 1: into the nearby business to call the cops. That's when

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Speaker 1: he looked out the window and saw his Porsche Suv

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Speaker 1: jolt forward and then stall out, jolt forward again, only

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Speaker 1: to stall again.

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Speaker 2: Is it a manual? Is somebody put in the stick shore? Problem?

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Speaker 2: Is Dan's porch is.

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Speaker 1: A stick shift all thieves could not figure it out.

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Speaker 3: That's like embarrassing Navy nightmares to be in sixteen and

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Speaker 3: my dad teaching me all.

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Speaker 2: Over healing the car.

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Speaker 1: Yeah, balance the clutch, no, no, no, pull the clutch slow.

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Speaker 1: After watching his cargo hrky jerky for four straight minutes

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Speaker 1: in the parking lot, the carjackers all finally jumped out

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Speaker 1: and back into their beat up Civic.

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Speaker 2: To escape the transmission embarrassing.

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Speaker 1: Dan said the scene looked like something from a dumb

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Speaker 1: comedy film. He's recovering from his injuries now as the

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Speaker 1: police are searching for the suspects. Afterwards, officers said owning

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Speaker 1: a manual transmission car might just be the best way

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Speaker 1: to deter that, adding that only eighteen percent of Americans

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Speaker 1: know how to drive stick necks.

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Speaker 2: I miss driving.

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Speaker 3: I mean there's no better way to peel out than

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Speaker 3: with a stick ches.

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Speaker 1: Oh yeah, next Lazer stories out of Food News. If

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Speaker 1: you buy Kraft mac and cheese, you know what to expect.

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Speaker 1: Macaroni cheese and one of the cheapest, easiest, least nutritious

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Speaker 1: meals of the entire waste.

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Speaker 2: Maybe add broccoli.

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Speaker 3: It's delicious.

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Speaker 1: But all that's about to change because reports are out

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Speaker 1: that Craft is actually nixing the cheese in the mac

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Speaker 1: and cheese.

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Speaker 3: It's too spicy for Alexis.

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Speaker 1: I know it's a little confusing, but it won't just

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Speaker 1: be a box of noodles. There's a new product called

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Speaker 1: Craft not Mac and Cheese, and it features a dairy

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Speaker 1: free cheese alternative its usual powdered concoction. Yes, believe it

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Speaker 1: or not, that powdered cheese actually has dairy in it.

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Speaker 2: Wow, that's crazy.

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Speaker 3: So they're like, we're just gonna remove the point one

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Speaker 3: percent of milk that was in there.

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Speaker 1: It's gonna be showing up in grocery stores soon. It'll

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Speaker 1: come in two varieties, original and white cheddar with shells.

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Speaker 1: Both will be priced that three dollars forty nine cents.

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Speaker 2: Plant based just makes it sound fancier. That's why it costs.

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Speaker 1: The first time Kraft has offered a vegan plant based option,

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Speaker 1: which they say has a similar taste, look and feel

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Speaker 1: to dairy based mac and cheese. In other words, it's

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Speaker 1: better than it sounds.

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Speaker 3: I will say, I've been to a couple vegan restaurants

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Speaker 3: and when I've ordered the mac and cheese, it's surprisingly

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Speaker 3: amazing real, Yes, like rich and creamy. I'm like, how

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Speaker 3: is this.

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Speaker 2: Possible to give it a shot?

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Speaker 4: Well, if you lower your standard so much, like anything

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Speaker 4: is gonna taste. Come on, we'll check that's going in

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Speaker 4: this body, out of this next Lazer stories, out of

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Speaker 4: tech trends dot. Wow, you're probably familiar with the nerd emoji.

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Speaker 2: Yeah, the dark glasses and the buck teeth. I know it,

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Speaker 2: I know it, I totally know.

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Speaker 1: A ten year old boy in the UK named Teddy

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Speaker 1: is uncomfortable with it and thinks it is insulting to

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Speaker 1: people like him who wear glasses.

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Speaker 3: Oh, Teddy, come on now, I've worn glasses since third grade. Teddy,

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Speaker 3: get on board. Just embrace who you are Teddy.

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Speaker 2: No, he refuses to do that.

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Speaker 1: Instead, he's launched an online petition to have it tweaked.

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Speaker 1: He wants the teeth replaced with a proper smile and

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Speaker 1: for it to be renamed the genius emoji. Okay, okay,

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Speaker 1: sounds exactly like something a nerd would suggest.

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Speaker 3: Listen, Teddy, changing the emoji is not going to change.

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Speaker 2: How we live. Yes, I'm with you, buddy.

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Speaker 3: Yeah, who is a ten year old Long before the emoji?

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Speaker 4: It wantn't tell.

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Speaker 2: Yeah, there was still a stigma.

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Speaker 1: I wanted to be the CEO super Billionaire Ramons last week.

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Speaker 1: Check though the petition only had two hundred and nine signatures,

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Speaker 1: but it's still early. Teddy even drew a photo of

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Speaker 1: what he'd like to see the genius emoji look like,

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Speaker 1: but surprisingly Apple has not responded to him.

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Speaker 3: Yeah, and Teddy's got to remember the people making these

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Speaker 3: emojis also nerds.

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Speaker 4: Yeah.

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Speaker 1: Not sure if you know this, but this guy also

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Speaker 1: has his own petition out. Not allowed to say what

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Speaker 1: he's asking for, at least not on the radio, but

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Speaker 1: I can tell you he's got exactly sixty nine signatures

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Speaker 1: and he is stopping right there, no more, no less.

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Speaker 1: That's how he likes it, And that means Laser Stories

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Speaker 1: has come to an end for the day.

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Speaker 2: We'll do it again, same time on Monday.