1 00:00:10,080 --> 00:00:13,880 Speaker 1: Hi, guys, and welcome back to couch Talks. This is 2 00:00:13,960 --> 00:00:17,720 Speaker 1: Cat here and I am the host of You Need Therapy, 3 00:00:17,800 --> 00:00:20,000 Speaker 1: which is what you're listening to, and then couch Talks 4 00:00:20,120 --> 00:00:23,240 Speaker 1: is a special episode that I do every Wednesday where 5 00:00:23,440 --> 00:00:25,640 Speaker 1: I answer some questions that you guys send into me, 6 00:00:25,800 --> 00:00:28,840 Speaker 1: and you can send questions in if you have a 7 00:00:28,960 --> 00:00:33,000 Speaker 1: question to Catherine at You Need Therapy podcast dot com 8 00:00:33,040 --> 00:00:36,280 Speaker 1: and hopefully one day I will answer it. And with that, 9 00:00:36,360 --> 00:00:38,600 Speaker 1: I do want to again always say that this is 10 00:00:38,640 --> 00:00:41,239 Speaker 1: not therapy. Even though I'm answering some of y'all's questions. 11 00:00:41,479 --> 00:00:43,440 Speaker 1: I'm just answering some questions, and a lot of times 12 00:00:43,479 --> 00:00:45,720 Speaker 1: I don't even give a full answer. I just ask 13 00:00:45,840 --> 00:00:47,640 Speaker 1: questions back to you. But I don't want you to 14 00:00:47,640 --> 00:00:50,960 Speaker 1: confuse this podcast with actual therapy, because you know, I 15 00:00:51,000 --> 00:00:54,520 Speaker 1: can't be your therapist over a podcast. That'd be cool, though, 16 00:00:54,680 --> 00:00:57,280 Speaker 1: but not possible. So I'm going to get straight into 17 00:00:57,320 --> 00:01:01,080 Speaker 1: it because the questions this week are so good and 18 00:01:01,320 --> 00:01:04,440 Speaker 1: actually one of them is not a question from you. 19 00:01:04,560 --> 00:01:08,119 Speaker 1: It's kind of a combination of conversations I've been having 20 00:01:08,560 --> 00:01:12,039 Speaker 1: with clients, conversations I've been having in my head as 21 00:01:12,040 --> 00:01:15,320 Speaker 1: I scroll social media and some d ms I've been 22 00:01:15,319 --> 00:01:17,640 Speaker 1: getting from some of y'all asking questions about what I 23 00:01:17,640 --> 00:01:20,399 Speaker 1: thought about certain body image things. So it's not really 24 00:01:20,400 --> 00:01:22,400 Speaker 1: like a question, but I just want to address something. 25 00:01:22,600 --> 00:01:27,959 Speaker 1: I want to address the attempt at normalizing different body 26 00:01:28,040 --> 00:01:32,679 Speaker 1: types in post recently on TikTok and Instagram and really 27 00:01:32,720 --> 00:01:36,000 Speaker 1: any social media outlet, and if it's helpful or hurtful. 28 00:01:36,120 --> 00:01:38,400 Speaker 1: So basically, like I said, I've been doing a lot 29 00:01:38,400 --> 00:01:40,760 Speaker 1: of thinking about this, and I've been writing to my 30 00:01:40,800 --> 00:01:45,240 Speaker 1: thoughts and having conversations, and it all started with this trend. 31 00:01:45,360 --> 00:01:47,199 Speaker 1: This is what kick started it from me. But there's 32 00:01:47,240 --> 00:01:51,400 Speaker 1: this trend on TikTok where there's this audio that says, 33 00:01:51,480 --> 00:01:54,640 Speaker 1: bodies that look like this also look like this, Bodies 34 00:01:54,640 --> 00:01:56,800 Speaker 1: that look like this also look like this, and it 35 00:01:56,880 --> 00:02:01,880 Speaker 1: has somebody who is posing and and showing off an 36 00:02:01,920 --> 00:02:05,880 Speaker 1: attempt at an end quote ideal body or ideal body 37 00:02:05,960 --> 00:02:09,200 Speaker 1: in our culture. And then the other post is like 38 00:02:09,320 --> 00:02:13,320 Speaker 1: them relaxed or sitting down or bent over where you 39 00:02:13,360 --> 00:02:17,040 Speaker 1: can see again I'm doing quotation marks with my my hands, 40 00:02:17,080 --> 00:02:20,960 Speaker 1: but in quotes imperfections in their bodies, like a back 41 00:02:21,120 --> 00:02:24,120 Speaker 1: roll or cellulite or a stomach roll or like just 42 00:02:24,280 --> 00:02:27,160 Speaker 1: anything that doesn't look again in quotes, perfect or ideal. 43 00:02:27,440 --> 00:02:30,120 Speaker 1: So this has taken off. And then also this has 44 00:02:30,120 --> 00:02:32,240 Speaker 1: been going on for a while, and like I've posted 45 00:02:32,240 --> 00:02:34,400 Speaker 1: stuff like this, so you guys are with me as 46 00:02:34,440 --> 00:02:37,680 Speaker 1: I'm learning and changing my opinions myself, which I believe 47 00:02:37,760 --> 00:02:39,720 Speaker 1: is important for us to do, as we can change 48 00:02:39,720 --> 00:02:41,799 Speaker 1: our opinions as we learn more and grow more. Then 49 00:02:41,840 --> 00:02:45,920 Speaker 1: there's also these pictures where people will post, like a 50 00:02:45,960 --> 00:02:48,920 Speaker 1: picture of them posed again and what looks like an 51 00:02:48,960 --> 00:02:51,800 Speaker 1: ideal body, and then the next picture will be them 52 00:02:51,800 --> 00:02:54,240 Speaker 1: sitting more relaxed, where it's the same thing. It's just 53 00:02:54,280 --> 00:02:57,360 Speaker 1: a static picture and not a video. Okay, first of all, 54 00:02:57,680 --> 00:03:00,120 Speaker 1: I want to say, I believe that these posts and 55 00:03:00,240 --> 00:03:03,320 Speaker 1: videos have been put out into the world with like 56 00:03:03,400 --> 00:03:06,960 Speaker 1: the best intentions, and I do appreciate them for that reason. 57 00:03:07,280 --> 00:03:10,320 Speaker 1: And I don't think anybody who's trying to in quotes 58 00:03:10,400 --> 00:03:13,799 Speaker 1: normalize all bodies and shapes is doing any of this 59 00:03:13,880 --> 00:03:16,240 Speaker 1: stuff an attempt to hurt others. I think a lot 60 00:03:16,240 --> 00:03:17,680 Speaker 1: of times we don't know what the best thing is 61 00:03:17,760 --> 00:03:20,440 Speaker 1: until we do something and we see really what happens 62 00:03:20,480 --> 00:03:23,040 Speaker 1: with it. So it's good intentions, and again, so this 63 00:03:23,080 --> 00:03:25,799 Speaker 1: is a learning opportunity and a growth opportunity. I want 64 00:03:25,840 --> 00:03:28,519 Speaker 1: to invite a lot of grace into this conversation I'm 65 00:03:28,520 --> 00:03:32,600 Speaker 1: having because again I'm changing my opinion as we speak, 66 00:03:32,720 --> 00:03:35,360 Speaker 1: and I don't want this to feel like I'm calling 67 00:03:35,400 --> 00:03:39,440 Speaker 1: people out or encouraging any kind of cancel culture, which 68 00:03:39,480 --> 00:03:42,440 Speaker 1: we will get into later today, because I don't think 69 00:03:42,440 --> 00:03:45,720 Speaker 1: that's helpful. And we can only learn that what we're 70 00:03:45,720 --> 00:03:50,600 Speaker 1: doing is harmful or not helpful by things like this, 71 00:03:50,680 --> 00:03:52,960 Speaker 1: like really sitting down and what is the message that 72 00:03:53,000 --> 00:03:55,960 Speaker 1: we're meaning to send? Okay, So, like I said, in 73 00:03:56,000 --> 00:03:59,240 Speaker 1: the past, I've actually really found that these have been helpful. 74 00:03:59,400 --> 00:04:02,040 Speaker 1: And like I said, I've posted things like this before, 75 00:04:02,120 --> 00:04:04,680 Speaker 1: like probably kind of even recently, and I've reposted other 76 00:04:04,720 --> 00:04:07,360 Speaker 1: people's stuff, and I've liked other people's stuff. And the 77 00:04:07,440 --> 00:04:10,000 Speaker 1: idea in my head was that, wow, we are putting 78 00:04:10,000 --> 00:04:13,839 Speaker 1: it out there finally, that these are people that we're 79 00:04:13,880 --> 00:04:17,120 Speaker 1: all aspiring to look like don't really look like that, 80 00:04:17,880 --> 00:04:21,799 Speaker 1: and we are normalizing bodies and how they look in general, 81 00:04:22,160 --> 00:04:26,200 Speaker 1: rather than how we want or wish them to look. 82 00:04:26,440 --> 00:04:28,479 Speaker 1: I believe that the message that is being sent in 83 00:04:28,600 --> 00:04:30,960 Speaker 1: that sentiment is we should allow ourselves to love our 84 00:04:31,000 --> 00:04:34,880 Speaker 1: bodies with their inquotes, imperfections, blah blah blah. Yeah. So, 85 00:04:34,960 --> 00:04:37,040 Speaker 1: in the past couple of weeks, I've been really challenging 86 00:04:37,080 --> 00:04:40,200 Speaker 1: myself in this, especially after a client of mine brought 87 00:04:40,200 --> 00:04:43,560 Speaker 1: it up and showed me a video where Lizza was 88 00:04:43,640 --> 00:04:46,200 Speaker 1: kind of doing that Bodies that look like this also 89 00:04:46,279 --> 00:04:48,599 Speaker 1: look like this. Bodies that look like this also look 90 00:04:48,680 --> 00:04:51,320 Speaker 1: like this, and she was just like standing there with 91 00:04:51,360 --> 00:04:55,320 Speaker 1: her body, you know, and that really made a statement 92 00:04:55,360 --> 00:05:00,760 Speaker 1: to me. And the reality is, these videos actually perpetuate 93 00:05:00,839 --> 00:05:03,440 Speaker 1: the idea that there is an ideal body that we're 94 00:05:03,480 --> 00:05:07,039 Speaker 1: striving for, and it further pushes the narrative that there's 95 00:05:07,080 --> 00:05:10,400 Speaker 1: an idea of a good body and a bad body. 96 00:05:10,480 --> 00:05:14,480 Speaker 1: And y'all, this is everything, at least in my pursuit 97 00:05:14,600 --> 00:05:17,280 Speaker 1: in the body image movement that I am trying to 98 00:05:17,360 --> 00:05:21,240 Speaker 1: fight against. I'm trying to fight against the fact that 99 00:05:21,440 --> 00:05:23,919 Speaker 1: somebodies are good and somebody's are bad. I'm trying to 100 00:05:23,920 --> 00:05:26,880 Speaker 1: fight against the idea that there is one ideal body 101 00:05:26,920 --> 00:05:29,640 Speaker 1: that we should be striving for. I'm trying to fight 102 00:05:29,760 --> 00:05:32,800 Speaker 1: against the idea that there's a perfect body in an 103 00:05:32,800 --> 00:05:35,560 Speaker 1: imperfect body. That is what we're trying to strive against, 104 00:05:35,839 --> 00:05:39,880 Speaker 1: and this pushes that. So I also saw a video 105 00:05:40,000 --> 00:05:43,440 Speaker 1: where somebody said this really hit me. Someone said that 106 00:05:43,560 --> 00:05:48,640 Speaker 1: people in smaller bodies are are basically preaching acceptance. Right, 107 00:05:48,720 --> 00:05:50,880 Speaker 1: So when somebody in a smaller body who's posting one 108 00:05:50,880 --> 00:05:53,719 Speaker 1: of these videos or pictures, they're preaching the idea of 109 00:05:53,720 --> 00:05:57,240 Speaker 1: acceptance body acceptance, which is like, right, that sounds fine. 110 00:05:57,279 --> 00:05:59,520 Speaker 1: You're like, wait, what's wrong with that? Well? Hold up 111 00:05:59,640 --> 00:06:03,400 Speaker 1: the well. In larger bodies, right, they are looking for 112 00:06:03,680 --> 00:06:08,560 Speaker 1: liberation right there, looking for freedom, not just acceptance. Oh 113 00:06:08,600 --> 00:06:11,720 Speaker 1: my god, right, Like, wow, I would rather have that. 114 00:06:12,240 --> 00:06:15,680 Speaker 1: So smaller bodied humans have this ability to oscillate between 115 00:06:15,720 --> 00:06:18,920 Speaker 1: the ideal body and an imperfect body that I want 116 00:06:18,920 --> 00:06:22,080 Speaker 1: you guys to know is a luxury. And even if 117 00:06:22,120 --> 00:06:25,200 Speaker 1: you don't consider yourself to be unquote skinny or have 118 00:06:25,360 --> 00:06:28,360 Speaker 1: the in quotes perfect body, you still may be benefiting 119 00:06:28,400 --> 00:06:31,239 Speaker 1: from what is called thin privilege. Think about that, because 120 00:06:31,320 --> 00:06:34,640 Speaker 1: think about the fact that some people, people in larger bodies, 121 00:06:35,040 --> 00:06:38,640 Speaker 1: can't make their bodies look ideal even when they're using 122 00:06:38,680 --> 00:06:41,920 Speaker 1: angles and filters in this and putting their leg up 123 00:06:41,960 --> 00:06:44,200 Speaker 1: this way and and moving their hip this way and 124 00:06:44,440 --> 00:06:47,479 Speaker 1: all of that. So that's where this push to get 125 00:06:47,600 --> 00:06:50,240 Speaker 1: rid of the idea that there's an ideal body altogether 126 00:06:50,320 --> 00:06:54,280 Speaker 1: comes from, because where you're somebody and if I'm saying you, 127 00:06:54,320 --> 00:06:56,560 Speaker 1: but I don't know what you look like, somebody who 128 00:06:56,640 --> 00:06:59,520 Speaker 1: is in a thin body or a smaller body who 129 00:06:59,600 --> 00:07:03,160 Speaker 1: is post seeing these things, they are going back and 130 00:07:03,200 --> 00:07:06,320 Speaker 1: forth between oh, look, this is what we're aspiring for 131 00:07:06,520 --> 00:07:09,320 Speaker 1: ideal body. Oh look, I can make myself look like that, 132 00:07:09,560 --> 00:07:12,240 Speaker 1: Like not the ideal body. That's a luxury that you have. 133 00:07:12,720 --> 00:07:16,040 Speaker 1: Not everybody can do that. And so that's one of 134 00:07:16,040 --> 00:07:17,840 Speaker 1: the things that I'm like, oh my gosh, this isn't 135 00:07:17,960 --> 00:07:20,560 Speaker 1: very helpful because if you're somebody in a larger body, 136 00:07:20,560 --> 00:07:22,680 Speaker 1: I would I'm watching that video and I'm like, well, 137 00:07:22,720 --> 00:07:25,480 Speaker 1: I can't do that, right, So what does that say 138 00:07:25,480 --> 00:07:28,240 Speaker 1: about me? Because my body just looks like this, which 139 00:07:28,280 --> 00:07:31,160 Speaker 1: is why I love Lizza's videos so much. I also 140 00:07:31,160 --> 00:07:33,840 Speaker 1: want to add that it's also okay to be somewhat 141 00:07:33,840 --> 00:07:36,720 Speaker 1: insecure about your body. And I hear and see a 142 00:07:36,760 --> 00:07:39,200 Speaker 1: lot of people waiting to find freedom in their body 143 00:07:39,280 --> 00:07:42,280 Speaker 1: until they love everything about it. And the reality is 144 00:07:42,320 --> 00:07:44,680 Speaker 1: that's not possible for a lot of people. And I'm 145 00:07:44,680 --> 00:07:47,520 Speaker 1: not even there. And this is literally what I do 146 00:07:47,600 --> 00:07:50,480 Speaker 1: for my job, Like I specialize in body image and 147 00:07:50,520 --> 00:07:53,480 Speaker 1: eating disorders. If I waited to find freedom in my 148 00:07:53,520 --> 00:07:56,280 Speaker 1: body until I loved every single thing about it, uh, 149 00:07:56,360 --> 00:07:58,760 Speaker 1: I would just never get there. So I want you 150 00:07:58,760 --> 00:08:00,520 Speaker 1: guys to know that it's okay. You have to be 151 00:08:00,520 --> 00:08:03,400 Speaker 1: a hundred percent and love with every aspect of your body. 152 00:08:03,520 --> 00:08:05,800 Speaker 1: You can still find freedom in it. And how we 153 00:08:05,840 --> 00:08:09,160 Speaker 1: find freedom is and it is moving away from acceptance 154 00:08:09,280 --> 00:08:12,600 Speaker 1: and into this idea that what your body looks like 155 00:08:12,800 --> 00:08:15,920 Speaker 1: doesn't actually really matter. We're not trying to learn, oh, 156 00:08:15,920 --> 00:08:18,600 Speaker 1: it's okay that you look like that, because look, I 157 00:08:18,600 --> 00:08:21,320 Speaker 1: can look like that too. It's that it actually it's 158 00:08:21,360 --> 00:08:23,520 Speaker 1: okay that you look like that because what your body 159 00:08:23,560 --> 00:08:27,320 Speaker 1: looks like doesn't actually matter. But these videos perpetuate that 160 00:08:27,360 --> 00:08:30,760 Speaker 1: it matters. I actually asked y'all on Instagram what you 161 00:08:30,760 --> 00:08:33,240 Speaker 1: thought about these videos, and he were very much on 162 00:08:33,280 --> 00:08:36,600 Speaker 1: the side that it's not very helpful. Some people did say, 163 00:08:36,600 --> 00:08:39,720 Speaker 1: I appreciate the fact that they are trying to show 164 00:08:39,800 --> 00:08:42,760 Speaker 1: us that what we're looking to strive for, like isn't 165 00:08:42,840 --> 00:08:44,800 Speaker 1: even always real. All the time. So you guys thought 166 00:08:44,840 --> 00:08:48,480 Speaker 1: that was cool. However, overwhelming you guys thought that these 167 00:08:48,520 --> 00:08:51,360 Speaker 1: were not helpful and you want to get rid of them. 168 00:08:51,480 --> 00:08:53,520 Speaker 1: Some of the issues that were brought up is that 169 00:08:53,559 --> 00:08:56,880 Speaker 1: they are usually made by one type of body, right, 170 00:08:56,960 --> 00:09:00,520 Speaker 1: somebody in a smaller body, and add encourages can parison 171 00:09:00,720 --> 00:09:03,720 Speaker 1: oh this was good. Somebody said, they honestly can feel 172 00:09:03,760 --> 00:09:07,280 Speaker 1: like a weird, thin privileged person flex, which I totally 173 00:09:07,280 --> 00:09:10,240 Speaker 1: gravitate to as well, because sometimes it almost steals like 174 00:09:10,280 --> 00:09:12,200 Speaker 1: somebody's like, oh, look when I bend over, I have 175 00:09:12,240 --> 00:09:14,160 Speaker 1: a roll in my stomach in my head, I'm like, 176 00:09:14,400 --> 00:09:16,760 Speaker 1: that's just your skin, first of all, and it just 177 00:09:16,960 --> 00:09:19,080 Speaker 1: comes off a little bit. It's off putting a little bit. 178 00:09:19,280 --> 00:09:20,599 Speaker 1: And then what happens with that is a lot of 179 00:09:20,640 --> 00:09:23,000 Speaker 1: people may think, wow, I don't even look as in 180 00:09:23,080 --> 00:09:26,160 Speaker 1: quotes good as her when I'm doing the posing, So 181 00:09:26,240 --> 00:09:28,719 Speaker 1: now I feel like crap. And really, the point I'm 182 00:09:28,720 --> 00:09:30,880 Speaker 1: trying to make over all here is that people with 183 00:09:31,040 --> 00:09:34,080 Speaker 1: thin privilege just also should not be doing this. Okay, 184 00:09:34,400 --> 00:09:37,480 Speaker 1: It's really just not helpful. And this I'm saying with 185 00:09:37,520 --> 00:09:41,160 Speaker 1: like love and gratitude for people even wanting to try 186 00:09:41,200 --> 00:09:43,560 Speaker 1: to make a difference. Yes, we need all bodies in 187 00:09:43,559 --> 00:09:46,840 Speaker 1: this movement a handred person, we need all bodies in 188 00:09:46,880 --> 00:09:48,920 Speaker 1: this event. But I don't think this is the way 189 00:09:48,960 --> 00:09:51,280 Speaker 1: to go. What I would like to see more of 190 00:09:51,520 --> 00:09:54,880 Speaker 1: is videos and posts about what's more valuable and what's 191 00:09:54,880 --> 00:09:58,600 Speaker 1: more important about our bodies in their shape, and giving 192 00:09:58,600 --> 00:10:02,319 Speaker 1: more attention to that I idea or I mean, imagine 193 00:10:02,360 --> 00:10:06,520 Speaker 1: a world where we just posted that in quotes, imperfect picture, 194 00:10:07,040 --> 00:10:09,679 Speaker 1: without making a comment about the fact that you're doing that, 195 00:10:09,840 --> 00:10:12,080 Speaker 1: to get rid of the idea that it's an imperfect picture, 196 00:10:12,120 --> 00:10:14,840 Speaker 1: because it's not like you're. All bodies are good bodies. 197 00:10:14,880 --> 00:10:17,960 Speaker 1: And I will preach that until the day I die, 198 00:10:18,040 --> 00:10:21,800 Speaker 1: and probably even after. So what would happen, literally, what 199 00:10:21,800 --> 00:10:25,960 Speaker 1: would happen to the thin ideal in the culturally ideal body. 200 00:10:26,360 --> 00:10:28,920 Speaker 1: What would happen if we just started posting pictures of 201 00:10:28,920 --> 00:10:34,040 Speaker 1: our bodies looking however they look, and not talking about it. Right, 202 00:10:34,360 --> 00:10:37,839 Speaker 1: I literally cannot wait until we don't have to explain 203 00:10:38,240 --> 00:10:42,200 Speaker 1: like a role or cellulite or whatever happens to our 204 00:10:42,240 --> 00:10:45,760 Speaker 1: bodies when we bend over, because it just is there, 205 00:10:45,800 --> 00:10:49,200 Speaker 1: just like we don't have to explain that smile in 206 00:10:49,280 --> 00:10:52,200 Speaker 1: that picture or this or that, like it's just something 207 00:10:52,200 --> 00:10:53,800 Speaker 1: we don't have to explain. It just becomes part of 208 00:10:53,800 --> 00:10:56,800 Speaker 1: who we are. That is really what I'm looking forward to, 209 00:10:57,000 --> 00:10:59,240 Speaker 1: and I think the way that might be helpful, and 210 00:10:59,280 --> 00:11:01,440 Speaker 1: I'm open to I yus guys. I'm really open to 211 00:11:01,520 --> 00:11:04,000 Speaker 1: ideas of what's helpful for you guys. But I know 212 00:11:04,080 --> 00:11:06,640 Speaker 1: what's not helpful. And I really think that the way 213 00:11:06,679 --> 00:11:09,520 Speaker 1: to go right now is like creating the idea and 214 00:11:09,559 --> 00:11:13,199 Speaker 1: then creating actions around the idea that there is not 215 00:11:13,440 --> 00:11:16,240 Speaker 1: an ideal body and all bodies are good bodies. So 216 00:11:16,280 --> 00:11:18,880 Speaker 1: I don't have to explain this versus that, and I 217 00:11:18,920 --> 00:11:23,760 Speaker 1: don't glorify this versus that. So again I say that 218 00:11:23,800 --> 00:11:26,160 Speaker 1: with all the love, and I say that coming from 219 00:11:26,160 --> 00:11:28,600 Speaker 1: a place of this is where we get to grow, 220 00:11:28,720 --> 00:11:31,040 Speaker 1: and this is where we get to um learn and 221 00:11:31,040 --> 00:11:33,040 Speaker 1: to hear people out, and this is where we get 222 00:11:33,040 --> 00:11:36,240 Speaker 1: to have conversations where we can express ourselves and we 223 00:11:36,280 --> 00:11:38,800 Speaker 1: can express maybe even when we've been hurt by the 224 00:11:38,840 --> 00:11:43,720 Speaker 1: actions of others, without brating somebody or calling them names 225 00:11:44,240 --> 00:11:47,439 Speaker 1: or writing hateful comments on their posts. If you see 226 00:11:47,480 --> 00:11:50,839 Speaker 1: something like this and you really want somebody to understand 227 00:11:50,880 --> 00:11:53,280 Speaker 1: this idea that we're talking about now, it's going to 228 00:11:53,360 --> 00:11:57,480 Speaker 1: be way more helpful for you to come to them 229 00:11:57,480 --> 00:12:01,560 Speaker 1: with kindness than to come to them with hate and anger, 230 00:12:01,960 --> 00:12:04,360 Speaker 1: not even anger rage, because you know, I like anger, 231 00:12:04,640 --> 00:12:07,520 Speaker 1: and anger doesn't look like you yelling at somebody all 232 00:12:07,559 --> 00:12:10,400 Speaker 1: the time, right, It just can look like passion. So 233 00:12:10,679 --> 00:12:12,680 Speaker 1: what I'm saying, and that is be kind of people 234 00:12:12,720 --> 00:12:14,320 Speaker 1: when you see this stuff. You don't have to, like, 235 00:12:14,800 --> 00:12:17,000 Speaker 1: you know, go troll them on the internet. You can 236 00:12:17,040 --> 00:12:20,000 Speaker 1: just explain to them why this might cause so that 237 00:12:20,120 --> 00:12:21,880 Speaker 1: we can learn, because we all just need to learn 238 00:12:22,280 --> 00:12:25,160 Speaker 1: so we can continue. I'm just babbling now, but you 239 00:12:25,200 --> 00:12:27,800 Speaker 1: know what I'm saying. So there's that, and uh, I 240 00:12:27,800 --> 00:12:31,080 Speaker 1: think it's time we get into the next question. All right, 241 00:12:31,160 --> 00:12:37,520 Speaker 1: second question, I know from past reviews and feedback, some 242 00:12:37,720 --> 00:12:40,800 Speaker 1: of you guys in quotes hate when I talk about politics. 243 00:12:40,960 --> 00:12:44,840 Speaker 1: And when y'all say that, I think that some of 244 00:12:44,880 --> 00:12:46,680 Speaker 1: you mean that you hate when I talk about race 245 00:12:46,720 --> 00:12:49,959 Speaker 1: and racial injustice. So before we get into this next question, 246 00:12:50,000 --> 00:12:52,320 Speaker 1: I would like to say, if that is you, this 247 00:12:52,400 --> 00:12:55,960 Speaker 1: is just a kind cue to listen at your own risk, 248 00:12:56,280 --> 00:12:58,760 Speaker 1: and I would say to turn it off and listen 249 00:12:58,760 --> 00:13:00,680 Speaker 1: to something else, but I'll so don't want you to 250 00:13:00,720 --> 00:13:03,720 Speaker 1: do that. I would actually love if you would listen 251 00:13:03,760 --> 00:13:06,080 Speaker 1: to what I'm about to talk about, because I think 252 00:13:06,120 --> 00:13:08,760 Speaker 1: this conversation has value, and I would love more of 253 00:13:08,840 --> 00:13:10,960 Speaker 1: us to keep an open heart, in an open ear 254 00:13:11,200 --> 00:13:12,960 Speaker 1: and when it comes to this stuff, rather than just 255 00:13:13,160 --> 00:13:15,800 Speaker 1: you know, rolling our eyes and and wanting everything to 256 00:13:15,800 --> 00:13:18,520 Speaker 1: be light and fun, because not everything is light and fun. Sadly, 257 00:13:18,679 --> 00:13:21,880 Speaker 1: and man, this is a little heated episode of couch Talks. 258 00:13:22,040 --> 00:13:24,319 Speaker 1: So okay, here's the question that I got. My couch 259 00:13:24,400 --> 00:13:26,640 Speaker 1: Dot question has to do with cancel culture and the 260 00:13:26,679 --> 00:13:29,840 Speaker 1: recent months, two of my favorite things, The Bachelor franchise 261 00:13:29,920 --> 00:13:34,439 Speaker 1: and country music have come under fire for racially insensitive comments. 262 00:13:34,640 --> 00:13:37,200 Speaker 1: My question is, how do you deal with being a 263 00:13:37,200 --> 00:13:40,960 Speaker 1: fan of The Bachelor and country music but also support 264 00:13:41,040 --> 00:13:43,800 Speaker 1: the fight against racial injustice. I feel guilt and shame 265 00:13:43,880 --> 00:13:46,400 Speaker 1: for being a fan of these things. I also don't 266 00:13:46,440 --> 00:13:48,880 Speaker 1: believe in cancel culture, but I do believe in the 267 00:13:48,920 --> 00:13:51,679 Speaker 1: consequences for actions. Do you have any tips to deal 268 00:13:51,720 --> 00:13:55,800 Speaker 1: with guilt or shame that surround this topic? Oh my gosh, Okay, 269 00:13:55,800 --> 00:13:58,560 Speaker 1: So I'm one so grateful for this question. Partly because 270 00:13:58,640 --> 00:14:00,520 Speaker 1: I dealt with a lot of people trying to canceled 271 00:14:00,520 --> 00:14:03,760 Speaker 1: me last week, and I have so many thoughts. One 272 00:14:04,160 --> 00:14:08,160 Speaker 1: thought is that cancel culture freaking secks. Now, my initial 273 00:14:08,240 --> 00:14:11,440 Speaker 1: thought to this kind of question has always been that 274 00:14:11,480 --> 00:14:14,040 Speaker 1: I believe that, in order to create a more loving, 275 00:14:14,120 --> 00:14:18,040 Speaker 1: caring and understanding environment and culture, that canceling people when 276 00:14:18,080 --> 00:14:20,360 Speaker 1: they make a mistake it's not cool and not helpful. Now, 277 00:14:20,800 --> 00:14:23,120 Speaker 1: one way I helped myself not go hard on the 278 00:14:23,200 --> 00:14:27,400 Speaker 1: judgment is working on something called assuming good intent. And 279 00:14:27,560 --> 00:14:30,640 Speaker 1: a friend recently explained that to me this way. She said, 280 00:14:30,920 --> 00:14:33,200 Speaker 1: have you ever seen somebody who has run a red light? 281 00:14:33,360 --> 00:14:35,680 Speaker 1: I said yes, and then she said, well, what did 282 00:14:35,720 --> 00:14:38,120 Speaker 1: you think? And I was like, well, usually I'm like, 283 00:14:38,120 --> 00:14:39,720 Speaker 1: oh my gosh, what the heck are they doing? And 284 00:14:39,720 --> 00:14:42,240 Speaker 1: it's probably something unkind, and I assume that they're just 285 00:14:42,640 --> 00:14:45,360 Speaker 1: being dumb and not paying attention and being just like careless. 286 00:14:45,720 --> 00:14:47,400 Speaker 1: And then she said, well, have you ever run a 287 00:14:47,400 --> 00:14:49,640 Speaker 1: red light? And I was like yes, and she was like, 288 00:14:49,720 --> 00:14:52,200 Speaker 1: well why did you do that? And it's like, oh, 289 00:14:52,360 --> 00:14:54,960 Speaker 1: that's so true that I've it's an accident and then 290 00:14:55,000 --> 00:14:58,840 Speaker 1: I feel horrible after and so what if I assumed 291 00:14:58,880 --> 00:15:00,880 Speaker 1: good intent with other people that are doing that too, 292 00:15:00,960 --> 00:15:03,960 Speaker 1: and so that's just a little like metaphor to explain that. 293 00:15:04,120 --> 00:15:06,600 Speaker 1: And again that's how I normally would answer this kind 294 00:15:06,600 --> 00:15:10,080 Speaker 1: of question is just be like, cancel culture sucks, and 295 00:15:10,080 --> 00:15:13,640 Speaker 1: talk about why I think it sucks. However, I'm in 296 00:15:13,640 --> 00:15:16,560 Speaker 1: the business of learning things. So I had a conversation 297 00:15:16,600 --> 00:15:19,080 Speaker 1: with one of my friends who is black and had 298 00:15:19,080 --> 00:15:22,120 Speaker 1: a different perspective and all things racial injustice, because I 299 00:15:22,160 --> 00:15:24,880 Speaker 1: just wanted to know where my bias were coming out 300 00:15:25,280 --> 00:15:27,560 Speaker 1: and where they are coming in and getting in the 301 00:15:27,600 --> 00:15:30,320 Speaker 1: way of me really understanding this kind of thing. And again, 302 00:15:30,320 --> 00:15:33,320 Speaker 1: I find these conversations so necessary to continue to have. 303 00:15:33,680 --> 00:15:36,480 Speaker 1: So I've compiled a few of my new thoughts and 304 00:15:36,560 --> 00:15:39,720 Speaker 1: you guys can do with them what you will. Disclaimer, Also, 305 00:15:39,960 --> 00:15:42,840 Speaker 1: I think that cancel culture actually may have a time 306 00:15:42,840 --> 00:15:45,920 Speaker 1: and a place like let's cancel racism, right, I don't. 307 00:15:45,920 --> 00:15:48,200 Speaker 1: I don't think that that's helpful, and I would love 308 00:15:48,240 --> 00:15:50,280 Speaker 1: for it to just like poof go away. But then 309 00:15:50,360 --> 00:15:51,880 Speaker 1: look at all the things we would have to do 310 00:15:51,920 --> 00:15:54,840 Speaker 1: in order to really cancel racism. That's why it seems 311 00:15:54,840 --> 00:15:57,120 Speaker 1: really petty and cruel sometimes when it comes to cancel 312 00:15:57,160 --> 00:16:00,160 Speaker 1: culture because the system that is set up the things 313 00:16:00,160 --> 00:16:01,960 Speaker 1: we're really trying to get rid of, and the system 314 00:16:02,000 --> 00:16:05,680 Speaker 1: is composed of a lot of smaller things. So I'm 315 00:16:05,680 --> 00:16:08,440 Speaker 1: not black and white here, I'm not all good all bad. 316 00:16:08,520 --> 00:16:10,440 Speaker 1: I'm saying I think it might have a time and place, 317 00:16:10,520 --> 00:16:13,120 Speaker 1: and so let's walk through that. So the cancel culture 318 00:16:13,160 --> 00:16:16,000 Speaker 1: idea is that it tears down a system and forces 319 00:16:16,040 --> 00:16:18,440 Speaker 1: you to start to pay attention. And what I mean 320 00:16:18,520 --> 00:16:21,680 Speaker 1: here is that people have been quiet and kind and 321 00:16:21,720 --> 00:16:25,080 Speaker 1: peaceful and easy going on racial injustice for years and 322 00:16:25,120 --> 00:16:29,040 Speaker 1: nobody's listened or paid attention. So cancel Culture's idea is 323 00:16:29,040 --> 00:16:32,400 Speaker 1: to tear down that system, not an individual person. Okay, 324 00:16:32,520 --> 00:16:35,840 Speaker 1: Now it's radical and it's extreme, because not being radical 325 00:16:35,880 --> 00:16:38,600 Speaker 1: and extreme hasn't ever worked. So I don't want you 326 00:16:38,640 --> 00:16:42,040 Speaker 1: to get caught up in canceling. We're canceling a person, 327 00:16:42,480 --> 00:16:47,000 Speaker 1: a single show. Uh this, We're trying to cancel this 328 00:16:47,200 --> 00:16:50,800 Speaker 1: system that supports the thing that is doing the thing right. 329 00:16:50,880 --> 00:16:52,400 Speaker 1: And that will make more sense as we go on. 330 00:16:52,560 --> 00:16:54,720 Speaker 1: Because I got really caught up with this Bachelor stuff 331 00:16:54,720 --> 00:16:56,640 Speaker 1: of like, oh that girl, Like we're being so hard 332 00:16:56,680 --> 00:16:58,360 Speaker 1: on this girl and it's like, it's not about her, 333 00:16:58,560 --> 00:17:01,520 Speaker 1: it's about the system. The next point, I don't like 334 00:17:01,600 --> 00:17:03,680 Speaker 1: name calling, and I think that when it comes to 335 00:17:03,720 --> 00:17:06,159 Speaker 1: this stuff, we're doing a lot of that, right. And 336 00:17:06,240 --> 00:17:09,080 Speaker 1: the truth is, you can do something that is racist 337 00:17:09,119 --> 00:17:12,960 Speaker 1: without being a racist. And that's the difference between guilt 338 00:17:12,960 --> 00:17:15,280 Speaker 1: and shame. Right. So guilt says I did something bad, 339 00:17:15,440 --> 00:17:18,440 Speaker 1: versus shame says I am bad. Guilt is really helpful. 340 00:17:18,960 --> 00:17:21,800 Speaker 1: Guilt says, hey, what you did is is really unkind 341 00:17:21,960 --> 00:17:24,639 Speaker 1: and it supports racism and racial injustice, and let me 342 00:17:24,680 --> 00:17:28,360 Speaker 1: tell you why and then you can do better, right, 343 00:17:28,640 --> 00:17:31,400 Speaker 1: versus screaming at somebody and telling them that they are 344 00:17:31,480 --> 00:17:33,000 Speaker 1: racists and they suck and you're never a lot of 345 00:17:33,040 --> 00:17:36,480 Speaker 1: speaker live life again. Right, So that's not helpful in 346 00:17:36,880 --> 00:17:39,040 Speaker 1: that regard. So I do want there to be room 347 00:17:39,080 --> 00:17:41,920 Speaker 1: that where we can make mistakes and not one thing 348 00:17:42,000 --> 00:17:45,880 Speaker 1: doesn't now cause us to be gone forever, right, and 349 00:17:45,920 --> 00:17:48,880 Speaker 1: we can never do anything to be in the good 350 00:17:48,880 --> 00:17:52,600 Speaker 1: grace of humanity. Okay, So the other part of this 351 00:17:52,640 --> 00:17:54,439 Speaker 1: conversation that I was having with my friend is I 352 00:17:54,520 --> 00:17:57,120 Speaker 1: expressed that I have been very anxious and careful about 353 00:17:57,119 --> 00:17:59,680 Speaker 1: the things that I've been saying recently when it comes 354 00:17:59,720 --> 00:18:03,080 Speaker 1: more to the body image and the body positivity versus 355 00:18:03,119 --> 00:18:06,800 Speaker 1: body neutrality versus body confidence movement, because the things are 356 00:18:06,800 --> 00:18:08,760 Speaker 1: always changing, and I'm afraid that I'm going to say 357 00:18:08,800 --> 00:18:11,639 Speaker 1: something that has been shifted and I'm not in quotes 358 00:18:11,680 --> 00:18:13,959 Speaker 1: woken enough and I'm not up to speed, and so 359 00:18:14,000 --> 00:18:15,800 Speaker 1: then I get in trouble or I get yelled at, 360 00:18:15,800 --> 00:18:17,640 Speaker 1: and then I'm a horrible person when I had these 361 00:18:17,680 --> 00:18:20,440 Speaker 1: good intents right. And the thing is, I don't always 362 00:18:20,480 --> 00:18:23,040 Speaker 1: say the popular opinion, and so because of that, there's 363 00:18:23,040 --> 00:18:24,879 Speaker 1: a lot of opportunity to be canceled for making a 364 00:18:24,920 --> 00:18:27,760 Speaker 1: mistake because I'm trying to to kind of not be 365 00:18:27,800 --> 00:18:30,200 Speaker 1: a trailblazer. I wouldn't say that, but like I'm trying 366 00:18:30,240 --> 00:18:32,000 Speaker 1: to not go along with the status quote and a 367 00:18:32,000 --> 00:18:34,840 Speaker 1: lot of stuff. So, like I said, I've thought about 368 00:18:34,880 --> 00:18:37,000 Speaker 1: the Bachelor situation and what I would have done and 369 00:18:37,000 --> 00:18:38,720 Speaker 1: if I would have gone to that party due to 370 00:18:39,080 --> 00:18:42,320 Speaker 1: my lack of understanding and willingness to listen, and I 371 00:18:42,400 --> 00:18:44,560 Speaker 1: honestly don't know what I would have done. I really 372 00:18:44,560 --> 00:18:46,720 Speaker 1: don't know. And I think there's a part of me 373 00:18:46,760 --> 00:18:48,280 Speaker 1: that said I probably would have gone to that party, 374 00:18:48,320 --> 00:18:50,320 Speaker 1: not knowing what I was doing, because what I do 375 00:18:50,400 --> 00:18:52,359 Speaker 1: know is that things have had to be kind of 376 00:18:52,359 --> 00:18:55,160 Speaker 1: allowed for me finally to take some of this stuff seriously, 377 00:18:55,520 --> 00:18:58,040 Speaker 1: and that, right, there's part of the problem. So what 378 00:18:58,160 --> 00:19:01,679 Speaker 1: I know is that I think The Bachelor. I keep 379 00:19:01,720 --> 00:19:04,040 Speaker 1: talking about Bachelor rather than country music. I don't know why. 380 00:19:04,200 --> 00:19:05,760 Speaker 1: I'm not not a fan of country music. It's just 381 00:19:05,800 --> 00:19:07,359 Speaker 1: not my go to, which I'm not a fan of 382 00:19:07,440 --> 00:19:10,160 Speaker 1: The Bachelor either, in and the show and the concept 383 00:19:10,160 --> 00:19:11,960 Speaker 1: of the show has always kind of gross to me 384 00:19:12,000 --> 00:19:13,960 Speaker 1: out when you really think about it. So what I 385 00:19:14,000 --> 00:19:16,800 Speaker 1: want you to think about, really, when you're you're asking 386 00:19:16,840 --> 00:19:19,440 Speaker 1: the question, how do I support Rachel injustice and also 387 00:19:19,560 --> 00:19:21,840 Speaker 1: enjoy these things that I enjoy, you might think of 388 00:19:21,880 --> 00:19:25,560 Speaker 1: it differently when you think about the system that has 389 00:19:25,600 --> 00:19:28,760 Speaker 1: set up The Bachelor and the system behind country music 390 00:19:29,320 --> 00:19:31,960 Speaker 1: more than just country music this I want to listen 391 00:19:31,960 --> 00:19:33,520 Speaker 1: to the song I like, versus I want to watch 392 00:19:33,520 --> 00:19:35,800 Speaker 1: this show I like. Because something that my friend said 393 00:19:35,840 --> 00:19:39,399 Speaker 1: that was really eye opening to me was basically, you 394 00:19:39,440 --> 00:19:42,680 Speaker 1: can't get canceled for sincerity, And I keep going back 395 00:19:42,720 --> 00:19:44,560 Speaker 1: to that sentence as I'm thinking about what would I 396 00:19:44,560 --> 00:19:47,120 Speaker 1: have done or putting myself in their shoes, and then 397 00:19:47,160 --> 00:19:50,320 Speaker 1: I'm okay, you can't get canceled for sincerity. So or 398 00:19:50,440 --> 00:19:52,640 Speaker 1: when I start thinking about the things that I might 399 00:19:52,640 --> 00:19:55,080 Speaker 1: be doing wrong, or or my fear of getting called 400 00:19:55,080 --> 00:19:57,840 Speaker 1: out for things, it's like, okay, you can't truly get 401 00:19:57,840 --> 00:20:00,679 Speaker 1: canceled for sincerity. And I think that sentence goes a 402 00:20:00,680 --> 00:20:02,760 Speaker 1: long way. It brings me to the last thing, which 403 00:20:02,800 --> 00:20:05,200 Speaker 1: I kind of already says, is my encouragement to you 404 00:20:05,320 --> 00:20:07,119 Speaker 1: when it comes to how do I deal with guilt 405 00:20:07,119 --> 00:20:10,080 Speaker 1: and shame that sounds this topic is study the systems 406 00:20:10,080 --> 00:20:12,359 Speaker 1: that are in place that allow the things to be 407 00:20:12,400 --> 00:20:15,280 Speaker 1: in place. Right, So, study the systems that are in 408 00:20:15,359 --> 00:20:18,600 Speaker 1: place that allow the racial injustice to be in place. 409 00:20:18,760 --> 00:20:20,919 Speaker 1: And then I wonder if you would have an easier 410 00:20:20,920 --> 00:20:23,879 Speaker 1: time making a decision on what to do that feels 411 00:20:23,920 --> 00:20:25,879 Speaker 1: and sits better with you, because, like I said, I 412 00:20:25,920 --> 00:20:29,720 Speaker 1: don't believe in canceling a person. Usually when it comes 413 00:20:29,720 --> 00:20:32,720 Speaker 1: to a person, there's something behind that person. There's a 414 00:20:32,760 --> 00:20:35,480 Speaker 1: system behind that person. And you know, I have the 415 00:20:35,520 --> 00:20:38,160 Speaker 1: initial knee jerk reaction to like be like, cancel that 416 00:20:38,240 --> 00:20:41,760 Speaker 1: thing when I see a mistake that's really um jarring, 417 00:20:42,000 --> 00:20:44,080 Speaker 1: And like I said, I think that cancel culture has 418 00:20:44,119 --> 00:20:45,680 Speaker 1: a time and a place, but I think the time 419 00:20:45,680 --> 00:20:47,800 Speaker 1: and a place has to do with canceling systems and 420 00:20:47,840 --> 00:20:50,119 Speaker 1: not individual people. This is a long winded thing, and 421 00:20:50,160 --> 00:20:51,919 Speaker 1: I don't know that I really answered question, but I 422 00:20:51,920 --> 00:20:55,920 Speaker 1: hope so all in that to say, I think this 423 00:20:56,240 --> 00:20:58,359 Speaker 1: is going to be a really personal thing for you, 424 00:20:58,400 --> 00:21:00,520 Speaker 1: and I don't think anything I I is just going 425 00:21:00,560 --> 00:21:03,040 Speaker 1: to make up your mind. But my encouragement again is 426 00:21:03,080 --> 00:21:06,719 Speaker 1: to really study what's really going on, and then you 427 00:21:06,760 --> 00:21:09,640 Speaker 1: can make the decision. Can I do both? Sometimes it's 428 00:21:09,640 --> 00:21:11,320 Speaker 1: going to be no, and then you're gonna have to 429 00:21:11,359 --> 00:21:13,159 Speaker 1: deal with some of the grief in that. Right, So 430 00:21:13,240 --> 00:21:16,440 Speaker 1: there's grief in that, and that's okay. I know for me, 431 00:21:16,720 --> 00:21:20,240 Speaker 1: I would rather move through some grief than ignore my guilt, 432 00:21:20,320 --> 00:21:22,719 Speaker 1: because guilt usually comes on when we're doing something that's 433 00:21:22,720 --> 00:21:25,199 Speaker 1: saying hey, hey, hey, this doesn't sit with you. This 434 00:21:25,280 --> 00:21:28,280 Speaker 1: doesn't make sense with your moral compass and your values. 435 00:21:28,440 --> 00:21:31,280 Speaker 1: So maybe have some conversations, like take some of this 436 00:21:31,280 --> 00:21:33,320 Speaker 1: stuff and have some conversations about it. I'm okay with 437 00:21:33,359 --> 00:21:35,520 Speaker 1: not being a percent right all the time. Some of 438 00:21:35,520 --> 00:21:37,840 Speaker 1: the stuff I might have said throughout this whole Couch 439 00:21:37,880 --> 00:21:41,440 Speaker 1: Talks episode might not be quote unquote right all the time, 440 00:21:41,480 --> 00:21:44,040 Speaker 1: and so I'm open to hearing feedback and opinions and 441 00:21:44,040 --> 00:21:46,600 Speaker 1: other other people. And I think that's my hope for 442 00:21:46,880 --> 00:21:49,040 Speaker 1: a lot of these kinds of conversations, is that we're 443 00:21:49,040 --> 00:21:51,640 Speaker 1: not just out here preaching to each other. We're out 444 00:21:51,640 --> 00:21:54,480 Speaker 1: here talking and listening. And this conversation I had with 445 00:21:54,520 --> 00:21:57,680 Speaker 1: my friend wasn't him being like, you're dumb, you're wrong, 446 00:21:57,760 --> 00:22:00,280 Speaker 1: this is right, you should feel bad about yourself. It 447 00:22:00,359 --> 00:22:02,760 Speaker 1: was let's have a conversation and dig deeper into why 448 00:22:02,800 --> 00:22:04,919 Speaker 1: you think that or why those emotions are coming up. 449 00:22:05,160 --> 00:22:07,199 Speaker 1: And this is my point of view. Now do with 450 00:22:07,240 --> 00:22:09,600 Speaker 1: that what you will. So my encouragement, I guess at 451 00:22:09,600 --> 00:22:11,679 Speaker 1: the end of the day, I have a conversation, all right. 452 00:22:11,840 --> 00:22:14,280 Speaker 1: So that is Cotch Talks, maybe one of the longest 453 00:22:14,320 --> 00:22:16,960 Speaker 1: episodes I've done. I hope it was helpful to you 454 00:22:17,000 --> 00:22:19,520 Speaker 1: guys in some ways, and I will be talking to 455 00:22:19,520 --> 00:22:22,840 Speaker 1: you again on Monday. If you don't follow me at 456 00:22:23,080 --> 00:22:25,720 Speaker 1: Cat dot de fata on Instagram and at You Need 457 00:22:25,760 --> 00:22:29,920 Speaker 1: Therapy podcast and have the day you need to have. Hi, guys,