1
00:00:01,440 --> 00:00:06,000
Speaker 1: Hi Amber, Hi Lolah. Welcome to an Unlikely Affair.

2
00:00:08,000 --> 00:00:11,799
Speaker 2: Good morning everybody, and welcome to another episode of an

3
00:00:11,840 --> 00:00:12,719
Speaker 2: Unlikely Affair.

4
00:00:12,840 --> 00:00:16,040
Speaker 1: Hello Laala, Hello gorgeous.

5
00:00:19,040 --> 00:00:21,480
Speaker 2: You know, I was thinking about something the other day,

6
00:00:22,320 --> 00:00:25,000
Speaker 2: and I think we were talking about it too. You

7
00:00:25,040 --> 00:00:28,240
Speaker 2: know how like we think things are supposed to be

8
00:00:28,720 --> 00:00:32,400
Speaker 2: one way and it ends up being something else, and

9
00:00:32,440 --> 00:00:36,480
Speaker 2: it actually just limits us our thinking, our being, our existence.

10
00:00:36,560 --> 00:00:38,080
Speaker 3: I don't know, maybe this is way too deep.

11
00:00:38,400 --> 00:00:40,280
Speaker 4: No, it's not too deep at all, and it actually

12
00:00:40,400 --> 00:00:45,680
Speaker 4: rings true in every aspect of life, things, personal, dating.

13
00:00:47,120 --> 00:00:52,360
Speaker 2: Yeah, this show literally exists because something very unusual. I

14
00:00:52,520 --> 00:00:55,520
Speaker 2: was the wife, You were the beautiful mistress.

15
00:00:55,840 --> 00:01:00,840
Speaker 4: I love that the word beautiful has been added before mistress, wonderful.

16
00:01:01,240 --> 00:01:04,240
Speaker 4: Are you just a mistress or are you a beautiful mistress?

17
00:01:05,120 --> 00:01:06,440
Speaker 1: Which box do you check?

18
00:01:09,760 --> 00:01:10,800
Speaker 3: But look at what we did.

19
00:01:10,800 --> 00:01:11,320
Speaker 1: We made.

20
00:01:11,480 --> 00:01:16,040
Speaker 2: We chose growth over staying stuck in these stories, these identities.

21
00:01:16,800 --> 00:01:20,840
Speaker 2: And then we started talking about dating and how maybe

22
00:01:20,840 --> 00:01:22,640
Speaker 2: that's the issue. Like we all have our stuff and

23
00:01:22,680 --> 00:01:27,040
Speaker 2: that's obviously very real and we're all healing. But what

24
00:01:27,200 --> 00:01:31,280
Speaker 2: if there's this idea of maybe finding your person is

25
00:01:31,319 --> 00:01:34,560
Speaker 2: just about logistics, Like what if your person isn't in

26
00:01:34,600 --> 00:01:36,840
Speaker 2: your neighborhood, in your radius of where you live, and

27
00:01:36,880 --> 00:01:40,480
Speaker 2: what if they're a state over And I've really been

28
00:01:40,520 --> 00:01:41,360
Speaker 2: thinking about it.

29
00:01:41,280 --> 00:01:45,440
Speaker 1: There across the country. What if you just never know?

30
00:01:45,840 --> 00:01:48,560
Speaker 4: Well, it's true though with like the dating apps, granted

31
00:01:48,560 --> 00:01:52,160
Speaker 4: with those you can pick and choose the radius, but

32
00:01:52,240 --> 00:01:56,000
Speaker 4: I mean people meet online all the time, and then

33
00:01:56,120 --> 00:02:00,760
Speaker 4: logistics come into play, and it goes back to what.

34
00:02:00,760 --> 00:02:03,280
Speaker 1: You were saying about limiting ourselves.

35
00:02:03,440 --> 00:02:06,160
Speaker 4: And it's just a fact that dating in a city

36
00:02:06,240 --> 00:02:08,440
Speaker 4: like Los Angeles and New York, it's just a little

37
00:02:08,440 --> 00:02:11,120
Speaker 4: bit tougher, it's a lot, a bit tougher.

38
00:02:11,520 --> 00:02:13,440
Speaker 1: So sometimes you do have to outsource.

39
00:02:15,040 --> 00:02:17,320
Speaker 3: We just have to expand our thinking just a little bit.

40
00:02:17,680 --> 00:02:21,360
Speaker 2: So of course, my iPhone obviously heard everything that I

41
00:02:21,440 --> 00:02:23,360
Speaker 2: was saying, because that's what happens. And I, you know,

42
00:02:23,480 --> 00:02:27,359
Speaker 2: my feet is a lot about relationships, along with really

43
00:02:27,440 --> 00:02:31,360
Speaker 2: cute animal videos and how to raise teenagers. But I

44
00:02:31,480 --> 00:02:35,480
Speaker 2: found this woman who's an amazing therapist and I'm so

45
00:02:35,520 --> 00:02:38,160
Speaker 2: excited to have her on today. Her name's Melissa Thompson,

46
00:02:38,600 --> 00:02:42,280
Speaker 2: and she has had firsthand experience with long distance relationship

47
00:02:42,360 --> 00:02:46,440
Speaker 2: in her now marriage that she met her husband, but

48
00:02:46,520 --> 00:02:49,280
Speaker 2: she talks about structures and boundaries and how to keep

49
00:02:49,320 --> 00:02:52,240
Speaker 2: connections alive and real. And I'm so excited to talk

50
00:02:52,280 --> 00:02:52,799
Speaker 2: to her today.

51
00:02:53,040 --> 00:02:54,480
Speaker 4: This one's going to be good. This is going to

52
00:02:54,520 --> 00:02:56,079
Speaker 4: be great. I'm so happy that she came on to

53
00:02:56,200 --> 00:02:59,400
Speaker 4: your for you page, and immediately when you sent me

54
00:02:59,440 --> 00:03:03,200
Speaker 4: that video where she talks about like the long distance

55
00:03:03,240 --> 00:03:04,880
Speaker 4: and things like that, I just I want to pick

56
00:03:04,919 --> 00:03:07,560
Speaker 4: her brain so badly. So she here, she's ready to go,

57
00:03:08,440 --> 00:03:09,240
Speaker 4: let's bring her in.

58
00:03:10,320 --> 00:03:10,560
Speaker 5: Hi.

59
00:03:11,360 --> 00:03:13,359
Speaker 6: Hello, Hi, Wrissa.

60
00:03:13,440 --> 00:03:15,480
Speaker 1: How are you so excited to have you?

61
00:03:16,080 --> 00:03:16,520
Speaker 6: Thank you?

62
00:03:16,560 --> 00:03:17,360
Speaker 3: I'm doing well.

63
00:03:17,480 --> 00:03:19,480
Speaker 6: I'm doing wow. How are you both good?

64
00:03:20,160 --> 00:03:23,760
Speaker 4: I mean, I have zero complaints. I am so thrilled.

65
00:03:23,960 --> 00:03:26,919
Speaker 4: So your page popped up on Ambers for You Paige,

66
00:03:26,960 --> 00:03:29,720
Speaker 4: and she sent me one of your videos and it

67
00:03:29,800 --> 00:03:33,320
Speaker 4: was about how to make a long distance relationship work. Yes,

68
00:03:33,440 --> 00:03:36,440
Speaker 4: I immediately said, I have to talk to her. We

69
00:03:36,520 --> 00:03:38,320
Speaker 4: have to talk to her. So thank you so much

70
00:03:38,320 --> 00:03:39,760
Speaker 4: for taking time for us this morning.

71
00:03:39,840 --> 00:03:41,200
Speaker 7: It is so appreciated.

72
00:03:41,560 --> 00:03:43,920
Speaker 5: Yes, you're more than welcome. I'm so thrilled to be here.

73
00:03:43,960 --> 00:03:45,440
Speaker 5: I'm glad it pops up on your page.

74
00:03:45,480 --> 00:03:46,040
Speaker 7: That's awesome.

75
00:03:46,240 --> 00:03:46,960
Speaker 3: Yeah, me too.

76
00:03:47,520 --> 00:03:49,320
Speaker 2: I want to just start out and just can you

77
00:03:49,360 --> 00:03:53,200
Speaker 2: tell everybody what you do and just your background and stuff.

78
00:03:53,200 --> 00:03:55,240
Speaker 3: So I feel like that's like a really good place

79
00:03:55,280 --> 00:03:55,680
Speaker 3: to start.

80
00:03:55,960 --> 00:03:56,200
Speaker 1: Yeah.

81
00:03:56,200 --> 00:03:56,480
Speaker 4: Sure.

82
00:03:56,600 --> 00:03:58,240
Speaker 6: So I'm Melissa Devars Thompson.

83
00:03:58,560 --> 00:04:02,520
Speaker 5: I am a license marriage and family therapist. I have

84
00:04:02,880 --> 00:04:07,120
Speaker 5: a group psychotherapy practice in New York City and we

85
00:04:07,160 --> 00:04:10,640
Speaker 5: work with individuals, but we primarily specialize and have extra

86
00:04:10,680 --> 00:04:12,760
Speaker 5: training with couples and couples therapy.

87
00:04:13,320 --> 00:04:13,880
Speaker 3: I love that.

88
00:04:13,960 --> 00:04:16,640
Speaker 2: I was just talking about New York and how crazy

89
00:04:16,680 --> 00:04:20,919
Speaker 2: it feels like dating in these cities. Is there's so

90
00:04:21,000 --> 00:04:23,800
Speaker 2: many people? What is there eight million people? Oh in

91
00:04:23,839 --> 00:04:24,400
Speaker 2: New York?

92
00:04:24,600 --> 00:04:24,720
Speaker 5: Oh?

93
00:04:24,839 --> 00:04:27,080
Speaker 2: Yeah, And I've lived there and I have that experience

94
00:04:27,160 --> 00:04:29,800
Speaker 2: of feeling like it is so lonely.

95
00:04:30,080 --> 00:04:31,200
Speaker 3: How is this possible?

96
00:04:31,560 --> 00:04:31,760
Speaker 4: I know?

97
00:04:31,839 --> 00:04:33,760
Speaker 5: And you know what's interesting, I hear people say I

98
00:04:33,760 --> 00:04:35,320
Speaker 5: don't know whether it's better because I've lived in San

99
00:04:35,360 --> 00:04:38,040
Speaker 5: Francisco when I was single, I've lived in New York

100
00:04:38,560 --> 00:04:40,200
Speaker 5: and I just feel like, sometimes is it better or

101
00:04:40,279 --> 00:04:42,160
Speaker 5: worse to be in like big cities with like tons

102
00:04:42,200 --> 00:04:44,120
Speaker 5: of people and feel lonely? Or is it better to

103
00:04:44,120 --> 00:04:46,800
Speaker 5: be in like small communities and feel like there's no one?

104
00:04:47,000 --> 00:04:47,800
Speaker 5: Who am I going to date?

105
00:04:48,600 --> 00:04:49,239
Speaker 7: Go anyway.

106
00:04:49,600 --> 00:04:50,520
Speaker 1: It could go either way.

107
00:04:50,520 --> 00:04:55,360
Speaker 4: Because I'm based in Los Angeles, I amber just recently

108
00:04:55,400 --> 00:04:56,600
Speaker 4: moved to Bozeman, Montanna.

109
00:04:57,360 --> 00:04:58,440
Speaker 1: There's a lot of people.

110
00:04:59,160 --> 00:05:01,800
Speaker 4: But I'm telling you when you go out and see

111
00:05:01,800 --> 00:05:04,039
Speaker 4: your options, and it's not me insulting the men in

112
00:05:04,200 --> 00:05:06,800
Speaker 4: LA because you know, we should all be doing what

113
00:05:07,040 --> 00:05:09,440
Speaker 4: we want to be doing. A lot of men they

114
00:05:09,520 --> 00:05:13,479
Speaker 4: don't want just one partner. It's like these big cities.

115
00:05:13,520 --> 00:05:16,080
Speaker 4: It's like how there are kids in a candy store

116
00:05:16,120 --> 00:05:19,560
Speaker 4: and so many people moving out here day in and

117
00:05:19,640 --> 00:05:23,200
Speaker 4: day out, and fresh meat all the time. It's extremely

118
00:05:23,279 --> 00:05:26,080
Speaker 4: hard to find your person in a large city.

119
00:05:26,160 --> 00:05:26,480
Speaker 3: It is that.

120
00:05:26,600 --> 00:05:29,039
Speaker 5: I think online dating hasn't helped that. On one hand,

121
00:05:29,080 --> 00:05:31,200
Speaker 5: it's been helpful because there's sort of all these apps

122
00:05:31,240 --> 00:05:33,640
Speaker 5: now that you can just swipe, swipe, swipe. But on

123
00:05:33,680 --> 00:05:35,560
Speaker 5: the other hand, I think people feel like, well, if

124
00:05:35,600 --> 00:05:38,919
Speaker 5: I don't like this little thing about you, next you know, swipe, swipe, swipe.

125
00:05:39,880 --> 00:05:40,040
Speaker 4: Oh.

126
00:05:40,080 --> 00:05:42,520
Speaker 1: So you think it's made people become more picky.

127
00:05:43,600 --> 00:05:47,479
Speaker 5: I think it's made people feel more like relationships are

128
00:05:47,480 --> 00:05:49,800
Speaker 5: a little bit disposable, and if I don't like this

129
00:05:49,880 --> 00:05:52,200
Speaker 5: one thing about somebody, I don't have to work that hard.

130
00:05:52,279 --> 00:05:54,240
Speaker 5: Let me just go back on the app and find

131
00:05:54,279 --> 00:05:54,920
Speaker 5: somebody else.

132
00:05:55,800 --> 00:05:58,560
Speaker 2: Yeah, and also not to mention and this is not

133
00:05:58,600 --> 00:06:01,240
Speaker 2: a dig on men, but it is a date on men.

134
00:06:01,640 --> 00:06:05,640
Speaker 2: They don't know how to set up a profile at all.

135
00:06:05,960 --> 00:06:09,120
Speaker 2: Their photos are not Like as women, I feel like

136
00:06:09,160 --> 00:06:11,680
Speaker 2: we're blessed, Like we have that ability to know what

137
00:06:11,720 --> 00:06:14,159
Speaker 2: angles look good, you know, we care about that.

138
00:06:14,040 --> 00:06:18,919
Speaker 4: Stuff, what level of Hollywood filter on the face app

139
00:06:19,040 --> 00:06:20,080
Speaker 4: we should use.

140
00:06:20,520 --> 00:06:24,880
Speaker 2: Or not use, like use I already know when I

141
00:06:24,920 --> 00:06:26,719
Speaker 2: go out with La La, I know her good side,

142
00:06:26,800 --> 00:06:28,440
Speaker 2: so I am definitely going to be on the like

143
00:06:28,560 --> 00:06:30,920
Speaker 2: I am giving, you know, taking one for the team.

144
00:06:30,720 --> 00:06:32,440
Speaker 3: Because she has her good side.

145
00:06:32,600 --> 00:06:35,320
Speaker 2: But no, honestly, like, I feel like men have really

146
00:06:35,360 --> 00:06:39,520
Speaker 2: struggle with their dating profiles and it doesn't necessarily highlight

147
00:06:39,960 --> 00:06:42,640
Speaker 2: how who they are or if they're not emotionally available.

148
00:06:42,920 --> 00:06:44,919
Speaker 5: The part that I have a hard time with that

149
00:06:45,000 --> 00:06:46,839
Speaker 5: I hear a lot, and that I experienced because I

150
00:06:46,880 --> 00:06:48,160
Speaker 5: was single for a very long time.

151
00:06:48,200 --> 00:06:49,719
Speaker 7: I thought I was going to have to, i don't know,

152
00:06:49,760 --> 00:06:50,760
Speaker 7: give up dating altogether.

153
00:06:50,760 --> 00:06:51,920
Speaker 1: And see what a long time is?

154
00:06:53,200 --> 00:06:56,080
Speaker 5: I found my partner. Okay, let me let me back

155
00:06:56,120 --> 00:06:58,800
Speaker 5: up a little. When I was in college, everyone was

156
00:06:58,920 --> 00:07:02,760
Speaker 5: like getting married, settling down, and I always have wanted

157
00:07:02,800 --> 00:07:04,240
Speaker 5: to be in a relationship. I didn't know if I

158
00:07:04,240 --> 00:07:06,440
Speaker 5: wanted kids. I always knew that I wanted to find

159
00:07:06,520 --> 00:07:09,359
Speaker 5: my person. I'm just a monogamous through and through. Not

160
00:07:09,480 --> 00:07:11,800
Speaker 5: everybody has to choose that for themselves. That's what I wanted.

161
00:07:12,360 --> 00:07:15,600
Speaker 5: And so by the time I hit thirty five ish

162
00:07:16,000 --> 00:07:18,400
Speaker 5: and I still hadn't met my person, I was like,

163
00:07:18,480 --> 00:07:20,400
Speaker 5: wait a second, what am I doing wrong?

164
00:07:20,680 --> 00:07:21,560
Speaker 6: What is happening.

165
00:07:21,800 --> 00:07:23,520
Speaker 1: You hadn't been in any relationship.

166
00:07:23,720 --> 00:07:26,200
Speaker 5: I had been in relationships that of course, at the time,

167
00:07:26,280 --> 00:07:29,240
Speaker 5: I thought maybe this is the one. But on reflection,

168
00:07:29,360 --> 00:07:32,080
Speaker 5: they were not the one and they were not good.

169
00:07:32,640 --> 00:07:36,200
Speaker 5: But I only learned that later. So yeah, at that time,

170
00:07:36,440 --> 00:07:38,640
Speaker 5: I thought this is never going to happen to me.

171
00:07:38,680 --> 00:07:42,679
Speaker 5: So I definitely got together with my husband now later

172
00:07:42,720 --> 00:07:45,440
Speaker 5: on in life what I consider late mid thirties, later

173
00:07:45,480 --> 00:07:47,440
Speaker 5: on in life, okay, And I felt like that was

174
00:07:47,480 --> 00:07:49,600
Speaker 5: so helpful for me. Like the people that I think

175
00:07:49,640 --> 00:07:52,720
Speaker 5: back to that I had dated in my twenties and

176
00:07:52,760 --> 00:07:56,280
Speaker 5: maybe even early thirties, thank goodness, I did not land

177
00:07:56,400 --> 00:07:57,560
Speaker 5: up with them, Thank goodness.

178
00:07:58,760 --> 00:08:02,960
Speaker 4: Wow, I feel like your story is pretty in alignment

179
00:08:03,000 --> 00:08:07,320
Speaker 4: with mine because I've told Amber this, I haven't had

180
00:08:08,040 --> 00:08:13,600
Speaker 4: a productive, healthy relationship since I was probably seventeen with

181
00:08:13,640 --> 00:08:15,760
Speaker 4: my high school sweetheart. And when I look back on

182
00:08:15,800 --> 00:08:19,679
Speaker 4: that relationship, I'm like, had we been older, I think

183
00:08:19,880 --> 00:08:22,480
Speaker 4: we were just so in sync and so mature, and

184
00:08:22,520 --> 00:08:26,360
Speaker 4: it's wild to think that my frontal lobe wasn't even formed.

185
00:08:26,360 --> 00:08:29,040
Speaker 4: But I knew a healthy relationship, and as I got older,

186
00:08:29,200 --> 00:08:32,280
Speaker 4: I was just like, where's the toxicity.

187
00:08:32,440 --> 00:08:34,520
Speaker 1: Where's the high highs and the low lows?

188
00:08:34,559 --> 00:08:38,680
Speaker 4: And I'm thirty five now, and Amber knows this because

189
00:08:38,720 --> 00:08:41,920
Speaker 4: we share an ex I'm just a wounded bird and

190
00:08:42,080 --> 00:08:47,280
Speaker 4: very guarded, and this is I've been single, fully single.

191
00:08:47,320 --> 00:08:48,240
Speaker 1: We're going into the.

192
00:08:48,200 --> 00:08:53,439
Speaker 4: Fifth year of not dating, and I'm finally open to

193
00:08:53,520 --> 00:08:57,960
Speaker 4: finding my person. So I'm so, I'm just I want

194
00:08:58,000 --> 00:09:00,360
Speaker 4: to know how you found yours, because I feel like

195
00:09:00,400 --> 00:09:02,800
Speaker 4: you're speaking my language right now, and you're going to

196
00:09:02,880 --> 00:09:03,480
Speaker 4: give me hope.

197
00:09:03,520 --> 00:09:04,000
Speaker 1: I know that.

198
00:09:05,520 --> 00:09:09,160
Speaker 5: So I totally resonate with the wounded bird and feeling

199
00:09:09,200 --> 00:09:12,440
Speaker 5: really guarded. I think for me, the hardest part in

200
00:09:12,520 --> 00:09:15,560
Speaker 5: dating is that I would meet these men and I

201
00:09:15,600 --> 00:09:17,920
Speaker 5: would try to turn myself into a Pretzel, even though

202
00:09:17,960 --> 00:09:20,120
Speaker 5: I was learning to be a therapist at that time,

203
00:09:20,160 --> 00:09:22,120
Speaker 5: and I knew, like, I'm not supposed to be doing this,

204
00:09:22,280 --> 00:09:24,199
Speaker 5: but this one could be the one, and maybe this

205
00:09:24,240 --> 00:09:26,080
Speaker 5: is how I have to kind of change a little

206
00:09:26,120 --> 00:09:28,480
Speaker 5: bit to make this work. Or my favorite that I

207
00:09:28,520 --> 00:09:31,160
Speaker 5: hear from my clients and myself back then was no,

208
00:09:31,320 --> 00:09:34,520
Speaker 5: they will change, like they'll realize how awesome I am,

209
00:09:34,800 --> 00:09:37,800
Speaker 5: and then they'll decide that they're ready for X, Y

210
00:09:37,920 --> 00:09:40,360
Speaker 5: or Z and we'll run off into the sunset. So

211
00:09:41,440 --> 00:09:44,240
Speaker 5: I think for me, a lot of the work came

212
00:09:44,360 --> 00:09:47,120
Speaker 5: and maybe you won't like this answer, but a lot

213
00:09:47,120 --> 00:09:49,559
Speaker 5: of the work came from doing my own work inside

214
00:09:49,720 --> 00:09:52,520
Speaker 5: to figure out why am I such a wounded bird

215
00:09:52,640 --> 00:09:55,200
Speaker 5: or why am I so guarded? Or what is it

216
00:09:55,200 --> 00:09:57,200
Speaker 5: that I'm actually looking for and what am I not

217
00:09:57,280 --> 00:10:00,760
Speaker 5: open to and why those are some really really big

218
00:10:00,840 --> 00:10:04,240
Speaker 5: questions for me and what am I willing to accept?

219
00:10:04,400 --> 00:10:06,600
Speaker 5: You know? And I think there's this line that I

220
00:10:06,640 --> 00:10:09,880
Speaker 5: hear often in my psychotherapy practice of people that come

221
00:10:09,880 --> 00:10:12,160
Speaker 5: in with, you know, I want an astronaut who's a millionaire,

222
00:10:12,200 --> 00:10:14,560
Speaker 5: who's got blue eyes and blonde hair, and you know,

223
00:10:14,600 --> 00:10:17,120
Speaker 5: blah blahlah and I'm like, WHOA, that is ultra specific,

224
00:10:18,080 --> 00:10:19,840
Speaker 5: And then I have other people who are sort of like,

225
00:10:19,920 --> 00:10:22,960
Speaker 5: I really don't care. I'll take whoever, like a pulse,

226
00:10:23,080 --> 00:10:26,440
Speaker 5: a heartbeat, two legs, two arms, We're good, let's just

227
00:10:26,520 --> 00:10:29,720
Speaker 5: make it happen. So, you know, I think for me,

228
00:10:29,880 --> 00:10:33,600
Speaker 5: I had to get really really clear on what I wanted.

229
00:10:33,720 --> 00:10:35,440
Speaker 5: And for me, the last thing I'll say about this

230
00:10:35,520 --> 00:10:38,320
Speaker 5: is that I sort of came to this conclusion of like,

231
00:10:38,360 --> 00:10:40,800
Speaker 5: what are my three must haves and what are my

232
00:10:40,880 --> 00:10:42,400
Speaker 5: three can't stands?

233
00:10:42,920 --> 00:10:46,800
Speaker 7: Okay, I like that, mm hmmmm hmm.

234
00:10:47,040 --> 00:10:48,880
Speaker 6: So I got really clear.

235
00:10:48,960 --> 00:10:51,680
Speaker 5: I know, for me, I had been cheated on by

236
00:10:52,280 --> 00:10:54,680
Speaker 5: an ax, which sounds like you ladies have some history

237
00:10:54,679 --> 00:11:01,080
Speaker 5: with and so that was at the top of like

238
00:11:01,160 --> 00:11:03,800
Speaker 5: my must have list, like I need somebody loyal who

239
00:11:03,840 --> 00:11:06,559
Speaker 5: I do not have to think constantly is going to

240
00:11:06,640 --> 00:11:09,120
Speaker 5: go and cheat on me or be with somebody else.

241
00:11:09,480 --> 00:11:14,240
Speaker 4: Do you do you think that because I've now since

242
00:11:14,280 --> 00:11:17,120
Speaker 4: I've ventured into the dating pool, I mean, one of

243
00:11:17,160 --> 00:11:21,160
Speaker 4: my top questions is and watch You're gonna be like,

244
00:11:21,160 --> 00:11:25,559
Speaker 4: don't ask those questions. Have have you cheated on your

245
00:11:25,559 --> 00:11:28,880
Speaker 4: partner before? Do you think if the answer is yes,

246
00:11:29,000 --> 00:11:31,000
Speaker 4: that that is a red flag.

247
00:11:31,800 --> 00:11:34,360
Speaker 5: You know, I think it's a great question to ask.

248
00:11:34,480 --> 00:11:35,880
Speaker 5: I don't know if I would ask it on the

249
00:11:35,880 --> 00:11:40,839
Speaker 5: first date because somebody may feel I don't imagine, no, that.

250
00:11:40,800 --> 00:11:44,080
Speaker 3: Would be the last date, right exactly.

251
00:11:44,520 --> 00:11:46,880
Speaker 1: I feel it out, I promise, right.

252
00:11:48,080 --> 00:11:50,480
Speaker 5: I don't think it's an automatic red flag. I don't

253
00:11:50,480 --> 00:11:52,640
Speaker 5: think it's an automatic red flag. What I would look

254
00:11:52,720 --> 00:11:57,240
Speaker 5: for is somebody who has some awareness around it and

255
00:11:57,320 --> 00:12:01,200
Speaker 5: growth from it. So, yes, this happened, this is why

256
00:12:01,200 --> 00:12:02,920
Speaker 5: it happened, This was my part in it.

257
00:12:03,440 --> 00:12:04,880
Speaker 7: If they say, yes, I cheated on my.

258
00:12:04,840 --> 00:12:07,320
Speaker 5: Partner because they were such a jerk, and you know,

259
00:12:07,440 --> 00:12:09,520
Speaker 5: they they, they, they they.

260
00:12:09,679 --> 00:12:12,319
Speaker 6: I want to hear, where's your accountability in this? Okay?

261
00:12:12,640 --> 00:12:13,079
Speaker 1: I love that.

262
00:12:13,160 --> 00:12:15,560
Speaker 3: Love that That to me is.

263
00:12:15,559 --> 00:12:17,120
Speaker 6: The moment of growth that I'm looking for.

264
00:12:17,200 --> 00:12:20,280
Speaker 5: Okay, we all make mistakes, trust me, we all make mistakes.

265
00:12:20,559 --> 00:12:21,960
Speaker 6: But how did you learn and grow from it?

266
00:12:22,000 --> 00:12:23,600
Speaker 7: And how do you not repeat that?

267
00:12:24,559 --> 00:12:27,840
Speaker 4: So it's all about the follow up, not exactly the

268
00:12:27,920 --> 00:12:29,960
Speaker 4: yes or no correct because you don't know.

269
00:12:30,040 --> 00:12:32,480
Speaker 5: Maybe maybe they were super young, maybe there was some

270
00:12:32,520 --> 00:12:34,720
Speaker 5: like life stress going on, like there's so many I

271
00:12:34,960 --> 00:12:39,440
Speaker 5: as a therapist live in shades of gray constantly, So

272
00:12:39,520 --> 00:12:41,599
Speaker 5: I'm always thinking like, what could be, what could have

273
00:12:41,679 --> 00:12:43,440
Speaker 5: happened that would have made it more like, you know,

274
00:12:43,880 --> 00:12:46,280
Speaker 5: it's not okay, but it makes sense, you know.

275
00:12:46,440 --> 00:12:49,520
Speaker 3: Okay, Yeah, So how did you end up?

276
00:12:49,559 --> 00:12:49,640
Speaker 2: Oh?

277
00:12:49,720 --> 00:12:50,520
Speaker 7: Sorry, I was.

278
00:12:50,480 --> 00:12:52,320
Speaker 4: Gonna asked the exact same question. You and I are

279
00:12:52,360 --> 00:12:54,720
Speaker 4: so in sync, You're I know what you're gonna ask.

280
00:12:54,800 --> 00:12:57,280
Speaker 3: Go, So, how did you find your husband?

281
00:12:57,720 --> 00:12:57,960
Speaker 7: Yes?

282
00:12:58,120 --> 00:12:59,480
Speaker 3: Yes, yes, yes, so.

283
00:12:59,600 --> 00:13:01,080
Speaker 6: It's it's interesting.

284
00:13:01,920 --> 00:13:04,040
Speaker 5: My husband and I, believe it or not, we're in

285
00:13:04,720 --> 00:13:05,840
Speaker 5: third grade together.

286
00:13:07,040 --> 00:13:07,319
Speaker 7: Yes.

287
00:13:07,880 --> 00:13:10,560
Speaker 5: I had immigrated from South Africa. I'm from Cape Town,

288
00:13:10,559 --> 00:13:15,120
Speaker 5: South Africa, and my family had immigrated to Virginia. We

289
00:13:15,160 --> 00:13:17,960
Speaker 5: went to this little, tiny school and we were in

290
00:13:18,040 --> 00:13:19,880
Speaker 5: third grade together. We have a picture of us that

291
00:13:20,000 --> 00:13:23,719
Speaker 5: was at our wedding of us in our yearbook back then.

292
00:13:24,720 --> 00:13:26,800
Speaker 5: We then parted ways. We then, you know, and we

293
00:13:26,800 --> 00:13:28,319
Speaker 5: were just you know, we knew of each other. We

294
00:13:28,360 --> 00:13:29,880
Speaker 5: didn't hang out or I think we were in third grade,

295
00:13:30,320 --> 00:13:32,680
Speaker 5: and then he left the school and then we connected

296
00:13:32,720 --> 00:13:35,120
Speaker 5: back in high school. I dated a good friend of

297
00:13:35,160 --> 00:13:38,319
Speaker 5: his and he dated a friend of mine, and I

298
00:13:38,840 --> 00:13:41,320
Speaker 5: he was never my time, never ever ever.

299
00:13:41,400 --> 00:13:42,600
Speaker 6: He was the life of the party.

300
00:13:42,640 --> 00:13:44,200
Speaker 5: He was so much fun. He was a good guy.

301
00:13:44,280 --> 00:13:45,880
Speaker 5: I knew that in my heart. I was like, this

302
00:13:45,960 --> 00:13:48,319
Speaker 5: man is a good man. But as you remember, we

303
00:13:48,480 --> 00:13:50,679
Speaker 5: dialed the clock back, that was not interesting to me.

304
00:13:51,000 --> 00:13:54,800
Speaker 5: I was like, now mm I need like the unavailable man.

305
00:13:54,960 --> 00:13:57,200
Speaker 5: I need the man who's like sexy and you know.

306
00:13:57,360 --> 00:14:01,520
Speaker 1: And breadcrumbs me. Yes, makes me feel insecure in a

307
00:14:01,559 --> 00:14:02,400
Speaker 1: pit in my stomach.

308
00:14:02,960 --> 00:14:06,120
Speaker 5: Yes, because that's exciting and like that's alive, you know,

309
00:14:06,240 --> 00:14:08,440
Speaker 5: Like this guy seems like a really good you know,

310
00:14:08,960 --> 00:14:10,239
Speaker 5: says what he's gonna.

311
00:14:09,960 --> 00:14:11,640
Speaker 6: Do, and then he does it boring.

312
00:14:12,800 --> 00:14:16,800
Speaker 5: So he dated my friend and I would hear about

313
00:14:16,880 --> 00:14:18,760
Speaker 5: him all the time, like, oh, I'm hanging out with him,

314
00:14:18,840 --> 00:14:20,800
Speaker 5: Da da dad. I'm like, great, good for you. We're

315
00:14:20,840 --> 00:14:24,080
Speaker 5: actually in a prom picture together. He's with his date.

316
00:14:24,160 --> 00:14:27,000
Speaker 5: I'm with my date. But again, like never thought of

317
00:14:27,040 --> 00:14:30,600
Speaker 5: it at all. Fast forward dated a man who.

318
00:14:31,600 --> 00:14:32,920
Speaker 7: Was a musician who.

319
00:14:34,320 --> 00:14:37,120
Speaker 5: I was so in love with and who broke my heart,

320
00:14:37,440 --> 00:14:41,680
Speaker 5: and I moved three thousand miles away. I moved to

321
00:14:41,720 --> 00:14:43,800
Speaker 5: California to kind of get some space and some.

322
00:14:43,800 --> 00:14:45,240
Speaker 6: Distance and to go to grad school.

323
00:14:45,280 --> 00:14:47,080
Speaker 5: But it was one of those relationships that kept pulling

324
00:14:47,120 --> 00:14:50,840
Speaker 5: you back In long story short, my now husband ran

325
00:14:50,920 --> 00:14:54,480
Speaker 5: into him. They got talking. My now husband says, I'm

326
00:14:54,520 --> 00:14:57,640
Speaker 5: in California for work. I don't know anybody, and my

327
00:14:57,720 --> 00:15:01,480
Speaker 5: ex says, you should call Melissa. Here's what number. Oh

328
00:15:01,520 --> 00:15:05,280
Speaker 5: my gosh, yes, oh my god is right. So he

329
00:15:05,440 --> 00:15:08,240
Speaker 5: calls me and I will never forget the message.

330
00:15:08,280 --> 00:15:11,080
Speaker 6: He says. It's a blast from the past. And I'm like,

331
00:15:11,160 --> 00:15:11,920
Speaker 6: oh my god.

332
00:15:12,240 --> 00:15:17,120
Speaker 7: This guy, Like seriously, this guy. He's like, I'm in town.

333
00:15:17,560 --> 00:15:18,920
Speaker 5: Do you want to have lunch? Like you want to

334
00:15:18,960 --> 00:15:22,280
Speaker 5: do something? And I was like no, but okay, So

335
00:15:22,720 --> 00:15:24,800
Speaker 5: we went out. I lived in San Francisco at the

336
00:15:24,840 --> 00:15:27,360
Speaker 5: time because I was in grad school, and I went

337
00:15:27,400 --> 00:15:29,520
Speaker 5: to pick him up. At that time, he drank. He

338
00:15:29,520 --> 00:15:32,320
Speaker 5: doesn't drink anymore, not for some big dramatic story, but

339
00:15:32,400 --> 00:15:33,920
Speaker 5: just because it's a life choice he made.

340
00:15:34,360 --> 00:15:36,240
Speaker 6: He had been at a bar because he is.

341
00:15:36,200 --> 00:15:40,200
Speaker 5: A commander's fan, and he had been at the bar

342
00:15:40,240 --> 00:15:42,960
Speaker 5: all morning, like hanging out da da da. And when

343
00:15:43,000 --> 00:15:45,160
Speaker 5: I roll up to pick him out up outside of

344
00:15:45,200 --> 00:15:47,040
Speaker 5: the bar, he's in the middle of the street. His

345
00:15:47,200 --> 00:15:50,760
Speaker 5: arms are waving and I swear I almost turned the

346
00:15:50,760 --> 00:15:54,680
Speaker 5: bar around. I was like no, uh uh oh no,

347
00:15:55,600 --> 00:15:59,040
Speaker 5: hell No, long story short, we end up going out.

348
00:15:59,400 --> 00:16:02,040
Speaker 5: We went to I was dating a guy at that time.

349
00:16:02,080 --> 00:16:04,200
Speaker 5: I was trying to pick out a birthday present for him.

350
00:16:04,680 --> 00:16:07,040
Speaker 5: My now husband was helping me and at the same

351
00:16:07,120 --> 00:16:08,400
Speaker 5: time saying things.

352
00:16:08,200 --> 00:16:11,320
Speaker 6: Like, you sure this guy's like for you? I don't know.

353
00:16:11,400 --> 00:16:13,880
Speaker 6: I'm not sure. You know, he sounds great, so he's trying.

354
00:16:13,680 --> 00:16:15,640
Speaker 7: To give me a relationship advice. Like while we're.

355
00:16:15,480 --> 00:16:19,200
Speaker 5: Hanging out and we go to the grocery store because

356
00:16:19,200 --> 00:16:20,840
Speaker 5: I had to get some stuff before I went home,

357
00:16:21,520 --> 00:16:24,360
Speaker 5: and I remember standing in the produce aisle at Whole

358
00:16:24,400 --> 00:16:28,040
Speaker 5: Foods in San Francisco and he was there shopping with me,

359
00:16:28,520 --> 00:16:32,280
Speaker 5: and I remember thinking, whoever I land up with Universe

360
00:16:32,320 --> 00:16:35,520
Speaker 5: out there, whoever you talk to Universe, I want to

361
00:16:35,520 --> 00:16:38,320
Speaker 5: feel exactly how I feel with this man.

362
00:16:39,080 --> 00:16:39,760
Speaker 6: However, I know.

363
00:16:39,720 --> 00:16:42,560
Speaker 5: It's not him, because you know, it's definitely not him,

364
00:16:42,960 --> 00:16:45,160
Speaker 5: but I want to feel how I feel right now

365
00:16:45,160 --> 00:16:47,280
Speaker 5: in this moment with him, and I felt I'll tell

366
00:16:47,280 --> 00:16:52,360
Speaker 5: you how I felt. I felt completely myself, completely at peace.

367
00:16:53,280 --> 00:16:56,040
Speaker 5: Anything could happen, and I felt like it would be okay,

368
00:16:56,120 --> 00:16:58,160
Speaker 5: we'd figure it out.

369
00:16:58,680 --> 00:16:59,720
Speaker 1: So I love this.

370
00:17:00,040 --> 00:17:02,800
Speaker 3: I'm in shock. This is so beautiful. That is such

371
00:17:02,840 --> 00:17:04,440
Speaker 3: a beautiful story.

372
00:17:04,640 --> 00:17:09,200
Speaker 4: You So was it long? How long was he in

373
00:17:09,240 --> 00:17:11,240
Speaker 4: town for? I mean, because I know that you guys

374
00:17:12,080 --> 00:17:14,880
Speaker 4: spend some time apart. We didn't want to pick your

375
00:17:14,920 --> 00:17:19,200
Speaker 4: brain about that. Yes, yes, Where where was he located?

376
00:17:19,800 --> 00:17:21,959
Speaker 1: Yes? And how long did that last?

377
00:17:22,240 --> 00:17:24,040
Speaker 5: So before we get there, I should tell you because

378
00:17:24,040 --> 00:17:27,119
Speaker 5: it's something you also spoke about earlier. Is once I

379
00:17:27,200 --> 00:17:28,840
Speaker 5: realized that, and I said, at the universe, you know,

380
00:17:28,880 --> 00:17:30,320
Speaker 5: I love hanging out with him. I feel like I

381
00:17:30,359 --> 00:17:32,280
Speaker 5: can be myself. We have a lot of fun together.

382
00:17:32,440 --> 00:17:34,720
Speaker 5: I had been dating. I was lonely. I wanted to

383
00:17:34,760 --> 00:17:37,960
Speaker 5: be in relationship, but again, it wasn't him. So we'll

384
00:17:37,960 --> 00:17:39,560
Speaker 5: just go out and have fun with him as a friend.

385
00:17:40,320 --> 00:17:42,440
Speaker 5: I remember one of my friends saying, you like him,

386
00:17:42,480 --> 00:17:45,040
Speaker 5: and I was like, shut up, I don't like him.

387
00:17:45,080 --> 00:17:47,320
Speaker 5: Like I'm just we're friends, okay, like guys and girls

388
00:17:47,359 --> 00:17:49,159
Speaker 5: can be friends. Give it, oh, you know, let it go.

389
00:17:50,200 --> 00:17:52,760
Speaker 5: And so we ended up spending time together. And it

390
00:17:52,840 --> 00:17:55,120
Speaker 5: was Halloween night. We went out, we both dressed up

391
00:17:55,160 --> 00:17:57,919
Speaker 5: and in front of a very large speaker at a

392
00:17:57,960 --> 00:18:01,240
Speaker 5: club that was booming music in our ears. And we're

393
00:18:01,240 --> 00:18:02,679
Speaker 5: sitting there because I don't know why we thought that

394
00:18:02,760 --> 00:18:06,159
Speaker 5: was a good idea. And he said, I know you

395
00:18:06,320 --> 00:18:09,239
Speaker 5: like me and I like you as well. And I

396
00:18:09,280 --> 00:18:11,400
Speaker 5: was like, you've been drinking, We've been out all night.

397
00:18:11,480 --> 00:18:12,280
Speaker 5: That's not true.

398
00:18:12,320 --> 00:18:12,960
Speaker 6: Blah blah blah.

399
00:18:13,000 --> 00:18:15,399
Speaker 5: Because I was so guarded, I was like, ooh, this

400
00:18:15,480 --> 00:18:19,000
Speaker 5: feels like I'm such in conflict because you're not my type.

401
00:18:19,480 --> 00:18:21,719
Speaker 5: I don't know if there's chemistry there, but I feel

402
00:18:21,800 --> 00:18:25,399
Speaker 5: so much myself around you, and I really love spending

403
00:18:25,440 --> 00:18:27,800
Speaker 5: time with you, but again, you're not my type.

404
00:18:27,800 --> 00:18:29,960
Speaker 6: There aren't any games, like what is this?

405
00:18:30,560 --> 00:18:32,199
Speaker 5: And he said, I'm going to call you tomorrow and

406
00:18:32,240 --> 00:18:34,760
Speaker 5: I'm going to tell you the exact same thing, and

407
00:18:34,800 --> 00:18:38,240
Speaker 5: you're going to know because I'll be sober that this is.

408
00:18:38,200 --> 00:18:38,680
Speaker 7: What I mean.

409
00:18:38,720 --> 00:18:41,600
Speaker 5: And I was like, okay, whatever. The next day, that

410
00:18:41,640 --> 00:18:44,400
Speaker 5: man called me and it was awkward. I'll tell you,

411
00:18:44,520 --> 00:18:47,399
Speaker 5: but he said, I met what I said last night.

412
00:18:48,200 --> 00:18:49,040
Speaker 7: I really like you.

413
00:18:50,119 --> 00:18:51,880
Speaker 5: Do you want to see if we can make this work?

414
00:18:52,040 --> 00:18:55,520
Speaker 5: And you know what I said, Well, I already had

415
00:18:55,520 --> 00:18:59,560
Speaker 5: a date lined up for tonight, so I'm going to

416
00:18:59,640 --> 00:19:02,040
Speaker 5: go on that, but you know.

417
00:19:02,160 --> 00:19:07,080
Speaker 6: Just maybe again guarded wounded. Long story short, I went

418
00:19:07,080 --> 00:19:08,680
Speaker 6: out on the date. It was not great.

419
00:19:08,720 --> 00:19:10,760
Speaker 5: I was thinking about my husband the whole time, and

420
00:19:10,800 --> 00:19:11,679
Speaker 5: the rest is history.

421
00:19:12,280 --> 00:19:12,840
Speaker 7: Wow.

422
00:19:13,320 --> 00:19:15,040
Speaker 1: Oh, can I tell you that it is so cute.

423
00:19:15,040 --> 00:19:17,280
Speaker 4: I'm actually thrilled that you went on the date because

424
00:19:17,440 --> 00:19:19,359
Speaker 4: I think it's probably solidified.

425
00:19:19,880 --> 00:19:21,359
Speaker 1: Okay, I'm actually into this.

426
00:19:21,320 --> 00:19:22,600
Speaker 6: Guy one hundred percent.

427
00:19:22,760 --> 00:19:23,520
Speaker 7: One hundred percent.

428
00:19:23,680 --> 00:19:24,640
Speaker 6: Yeah.

429
00:19:24,680 --> 00:19:25,000
Speaker 5: Wow.

430
00:19:25,080 --> 00:19:26,920
Speaker 2: And where was your husband living at the time.

431
00:19:27,320 --> 00:19:29,560
Speaker 5: He was living in Virginia. So I was in San Francisco.

432
00:19:29,760 --> 00:19:32,679
Speaker 5: He was living in Virginia. I think that's three thousand

433
00:19:32,720 --> 00:19:35,639
Speaker 5: miles at distance. Yeah, it is some distance. And we

434
00:19:35,680 --> 00:19:39,320
Speaker 5: did do long distance. We did long distance for I

435
00:19:39,320 --> 00:19:41,840
Speaker 5: guess it was almost eight months to a year.

436
00:19:43,160 --> 00:19:43,840
Speaker 6: It was a while.

437
00:19:44,000 --> 00:19:47,040
Speaker 5: And he would come for work out to San Francisco

438
00:19:47,119 --> 00:19:49,760
Speaker 5: and then he would go home, like on the Red Eye,

439
00:19:50,240 --> 00:19:51,600
Speaker 5: and then he'd come out for the weekends.

440
00:19:51,680 --> 00:19:53,000
Speaker 7: I mean, it was madness.

441
00:19:53,040 --> 00:19:56,119
Speaker 5: And I just remember when we finally decided we wanted

442
00:19:56,119 --> 00:19:57,760
Speaker 5: to be together, and I'd put him through all the

443
00:19:57,800 --> 00:20:00,320
Speaker 5: tests of you know, helping me let my guard down

444
00:20:00,320 --> 00:20:03,119
Speaker 5: on all of that, which took a while. I was

445
00:20:03,160 --> 00:20:05,560
Speaker 5: so sad when he would leave. I was so devastated,

446
00:20:05,560 --> 00:20:06,920
Speaker 5: and I was like, Okay, this is it. I'm sure

447
00:20:06,920 --> 00:20:08,359
Speaker 5: he's going to meet someone else. I'm sure he's going

448
00:20:08,440 --> 00:20:10,880
Speaker 5: to lose interest, Like, why would this guy be traveling

449
00:20:11,359 --> 00:20:13,399
Speaker 5: all the way here just to see me on the weekends,

450
00:20:13,480 --> 00:20:15,240
Speaker 5: not only then to travel all the way back.

451
00:20:15,880 --> 00:20:22,880
Speaker 6: It was very difficult.

452
00:20:26,640 --> 00:20:30,919
Speaker 4: What were some tools that you guys both implemented to

453
00:20:31,080 --> 00:20:32,520
Speaker 4: make that work for so long?

454
00:20:33,080 --> 00:20:36,800
Speaker 5: Yeah, well, I was, as you know, studying to become

455
00:20:36,800 --> 00:20:37,360
Speaker 5: a therapist.

456
00:20:37,400 --> 00:20:38,480
Speaker 6: I was in my own therapy.

457
00:20:38,920 --> 00:20:41,680
Speaker 5: And the thing is is that when people come together,

458
00:20:42,280 --> 00:20:45,400
Speaker 5: there's this myth about relationships that it should be easy,

459
00:20:46,560 --> 00:20:50,000
Speaker 5: and there's a myth that if it's the right person,

460
00:20:50,160 --> 00:20:53,280
Speaker 5: it should just be flawless and seamless. And even though

461
00:20:53,280 --> 00:20:56,199
Speaker 5: I felt completely myself with my husband and I wanted

462
00:20:56,200 --> 00:20:58,640
Speaker 5: to try to make this work, we were both coming

463
00:20:58,720 --> 00:21:02,800
Speaker 5: to the table with bagging and so part of my

464
00:21:03,560 --> 00:21:07,040
Speaker 5: thoughts and advice and you know, talking to people on

465
00:21:07,080 --> 00:21:10,720
Speaker 5: my social media platforms around long distance relationships are these

466
00:21:10,720 --> 00:21:13,719
Speaker 5: are things you can absolutely implement into long distance I

467
00:21:13,800 --> 00:21:17,439
Speaker 5: also recommend them for close proximity relationships too, because I

468
00:21:17,440 --> 00:21:19,000
Speaker 5: think they're just really good habits.

469
00:21:19,920 --> 00:21:21,320
Speaker 7: So some of the.

470
00:21:21,240 --> 00:21:24,120
Speaker 5: Things that we did now with the day and age

471
00:21:24,119 --> 00:21:26,960
Speaker 5: we have with FaceTime or video calls. That's like a

472
00:21:27,000 --> 00:21:33,080
Speaker 5: game changer that your connection really needs to be intentional.

473
00:21:33,720 --> 00:21:35,359
Speaker 5: And I think a lot of people think like, oh,

474
00:21:35,400 --> 00:21:38,320
Speaker 5: if we just text message each other all day, then

475
00:21:38,359 --> 00:21:42,000
Speaker 5: that staying in contact, But that's actually not how trust

476
00:21:42,080 --> 00:21:46,320
Speaker 5: and connection really builds. It's around, in my opinion, sort

477
00:21:46,320 --> 00:21:52,560
Speaker 5: of creating that closeness by having those moments of intentional connection,

478
00:21:52,680 --> 00:21:57,159
Speaker 5: whether it's you know, chatting on video or talking to

479
00:21:57,240 --> 00:22:00,320
Speaker 5: each other in the morning of morning text and even text.

480
00:22:00,359 --> 00:22:01,640
Speaker 6: I know a lot of my clients.

481
00:22:01,320 --> 00:22:03,080
Speaker 5: Love that when the person that they're dating and I

482
00:22:03,080 --> 00:22:05,560
Speaker 5: did two at the time like Hay, good morning, been

483
00:22:05,560 --> 00:22:07,600
Speaker 5: thinking about you or Hay, good night, going to sleep.

484
00:22:07,640 --> 00:22:11,000
Speaker 5: You know, those little moments can help a ton as well.

485
00:22:11,840 --> 00:22:14,320
Speaker 5: And then the other piece that I say is around

486
00:22:14,400 --> 00:22:15,920
Speaker 5: you know, when are you going to see each other again?

487
00:22:16,840 --> 00:22:19,720
Speaker 5: You know, because to be kind of these long distance

488
00:22:20,720 --> 00:22:23,480
Speaker 5: people trying to connect, if there's no plan to see

489
00:22:23,520 --> 00:22:26,760
Speaker 5: each other, it can start to feel really really difficult.

490
00:22:26,760 --> 00:22:30,160
Speaker 5: So there has to be some rhythm of like the

491
00:22:30,200 --> 00:22:31,520
Speaker 5: next time that you'll see each other.

492
00:22:31,560 --> 00:22:33,840
Speaker 3: In my opinion, I agree one hundred percent.

493
00:22:33,920 --> 00:22:36,480
Speaker 4: And do you think that that needs to be set

494
00:22:36,560 --> 00:22:40,120
Speaker 4: up on on the visit it's like, Okay, I'm here

495
00:22:40,200 --> 00:22:42,280
Speaker 4: right now. The next time I'm coming out, let's pull

496
00:22:42,280 --> 00:22:45,200
Speaker 4: out our calendars. I'll see you, you know, two weeks

497
00:22:45,200 --> 00:22:46,520
Speaker 4: from now or whatever it may be.

498
00:22:47,000 --> 00:22:49,680
Speaker 5: As somebody who was anxiously attached and I've been working

499
00:22:49,680 --> 00:22:51,720
Speaker 5: on it, I'm like anxiously attached and in recovery.

500
00:22:52,320 --> 00:22:54,479
Speaker 6: I love that. I love that.

501
00:22:54,520 --> 00:22:55,760
Speaker 5: It's like when you go on a date with someone

502
00:22:55,760 --> 00:22:57,959
Speaker 5: and you're super excited about them and they're like, oh

503
00:22:57,960 --> 00:22:59,399
Speaker 5: my gosh, when can I see you again? And then

504
00:22:59,400 --> 00:23:01,239
Speaker 5: it's like this utual thing, and so you kind of

505
00:23:01,320 --> 00:23:02,800
Speaker 5: know that you're going to see each other again. You

506
00:23:02,800 --> 00:23:05,600
Speaker 5: don't have to worry or be concerned. So I do

507
00:23:05,640 --> 00:23:07,560
Speaker 5: love that. I do love that idea.

508
00:23:07,640 --> 00:23:10,040
Speaker 2: So one of the things, so I recently started dating

509
00:23:10,040 --> 00:23:13,880
Speaker 2: someone who does not live in the same state, Montana.

510
00:23:13,440 --> 00:23:15,240
Speaker 1: And there's quite a bit of distance there too.

511
00:23:15,840 --> 00:23:17,119
Speaker 3: Yeah, there's quite a bit of distance.

512
00:23:17,119 --> 00:23:21,280
Speaker 2: And I was always completely I swore off I would

513
00:23:21,400 --> 00:23:24,120
Speaker 2: never do long distance, like I need my person coming

514
00:23:24,160 --> 00:23:26,320
Speaker 2: home to meet or know that like they're ten to

515
00:23:26,359 --> 00:23:30,479
Speaker 2: fifteen minutes away. And one of the things that I've

516
00:23:30,520 --> 00:23:33,399
Speaker 2: been doing to connect with him every morning is I

517
00:23:33,440 --> 00:23:37,080
Speaker 2: love playing wordle so we started playing Wordle. It's like

518
00:23:37,200 --> 00:23:39,080
Speaker 2: a good morning text, and then we send each other

519
00:23:39,160 --> 00:23:41,639
Speaker 2: our Wordle scores, so it's like it doesn't have to

520
00:23:41,640 --> 00:23:45,040
Speaker 2: because I think sometimes after saying good morning, you know,

521
00:23:45,560 --> 00:23:47,280
Speaker 2: two weeks in a row is just kind of like

522
00:23:47,720 --> 00:23:49,840
Speaker 2: it's nice, but I just want something a little more

523
00:23:49,880 --> 00:23:52,680
Speaker 2: playful or fun or just something outside the box to connect.

524
00:23:53,000 --> 00:23:54,520
Speaker 2: And this is what we've been doing, and it's been

525
00:23:54,560 --> 00:23:55,440
Speaker 2: actually really fun.

526
00:23:56,280 --> 00:23:56,800
Speaker 6: I love that.

527
00:23:57,040 --> 00:23:58,440
Speaker 5: I know a lot of couples who have been long

528
00:23:58,440 --> 00:24:00,640
Speaker 5: distance to who watch TV shows to get other cook

529
00:24:00,720 --> 00:24:01,520
Speaker 5: meals together.

530
00:24:02,960 --> 00:24:05,560
Speaker 6: I think the main point that I like to make.

531
00:24:05,480 --> 00:24:08,280
Speaker 5: Is that you really have to as you build trust

532
00:24:08,280 --> 00:24:09,960
Speaker 5: in the relationship and as you realize this is a

533
00:24:09,960 --> 00:24:12,000
Speaker 5: person you want to spend time with and get to know.

534
00:24:12,760 --> 00:24:14,600
Speaker 5: I think it's really about letting them into your day

535
00:24:14,600 --> 00:24:16,840
Speaker 5: to day life because you don't have those moments to

536
00:24:16,920 --> 00:24:18,920
Speaker 5: just run to the grocery store or like come run

537
00:24:18,960 --> 00:24:21,359
Speaker 5: some errands with me or pop over for lunch. So

538
00:24:21,600 --> 00:24:26,600
Speaker 5: letting people into your life, whether that's emotionally or keeping

539
00:24:26,640 --> 00:24:28,320
Speaker 5: them up to date with kind of what you're doing,

540
00:24:28,840 --> 00:24:32,280
Speaker 5: I think emotionally is the more important one, is super important.

541
00:24:32,280 --> 00:24:34,639
Speaker 7: So I love that wordal idea. I love changing it up.

542
00:24:34,680 --> 00:24:36,879
Speaker 5: I love just getting a rhythm and a plan that

543
00:24:36,920 --> 00:24:38,720
Speaker 5: works for the two of you because everyone's so unique,

544
00:24:38,720 --> 00:24:40,720
Speaker 5: and some people would be like wordle heck no, but

545
00:24:40,760 --> 00:24:42,320
Speaker 5: other people would be like, yes, I love that.

546
00:24:42,800 --> 00:24:45,240
Speaker 3: I geek out on wordles, so I love it.

547
00:24:45,440 --> 00:24:47,439
Speaker 4: I know when you find your fellow weirdo, it is

548
00:24:47,680 --> 00:24:52,080
Speaker 4: just a game changer, right. It's so good when you're

549
00:24:52,119 --> 00:24:53,600
Speaker 4: into the same TV shows.

550
00:24:53,960 --> 00:24:55,600
Speaker 1: And I love that idea too, of.

551
00:24:56,720 --> 00:25:00,840
Speaker 4: You know, at night, the two of you watching the

552
00:25:00,880 --> 00:25:03,320
Speaker 4: same show, that you can talk about just creating something

553
00:25:03,359 --> 00:25:06,359
Speaker 4: that goes beyond like you said, the good morning and

554
00:25:06,400 --> 00:25:09,840
Speaker 4: good night text, because that does that does get old quick.

555
00:25:10,440 --> 00:25:12,760
Speaker 5: Yes, yes, I think the other thing that a lot

556
00:25:12,760 --> 00:25:15,879
Speaker 5: of people think about is you know, and that forces

557
00:25:16,440 --> 00:25:20,199
Speaker 5: sometimes For me, I've had, depending on the scenario, some

558
00:25:20,320 --> 00:25:22,720
Speaker 5: actual relief as a therapist when people have to go

559
00:25:22,800 --> 00:25:24,639
Speaker 5: long distance. And when I was in the long distance

560
00:25:24,680 --> 00:25:27,879
Speaker 5: relationship with my husband, it actually forced us to connect more.

561
00:25:28,119 --> 00:25:30,199
Speaker 5: And I really like that, you know, we didn't have

562
00:25:30,240 --> 00:25:31,600
Speaker 5: to rush into anything.

563
00:25:32,640 --> 00:25:37,119
Speaker 4: That's I love that you're saying that because I actually

564
00:25:38,200 --> 00:25:40,560
Speaker 4: prefer so I'm going to get lalla on you.

565
00:25:40,680 --> 00:25:44,280
Speaker 1: I can get digmatized. So if I have.

566
00:25:44,280 --> 00:25:47,200
Speaker 4: Someone who is here in the city around the corner,

567
00:25:47,720 --> 00:25:50,480
Speaker 4: I think us meeting one time, I know you well

568
00:25:50,560 --> 00:25:52,560
Speaker 4: enough to jump in the sack with you, and then

569
00:25:52,680 --> 00:25:54,480
Speaker 4: I don't know if I like you or I like

570
00:25:54,760 --> 00:25:56,640
Speaker 4: the way you lay the pipe.

571
00:25:56,440 --> 00:25:59,360
Speaker 1: I can't. I can't differentiate the two.

572
00:25:59,600 --> 00:25:59,800
Speaker 5: Yeah.

573
00:25:59,840 --> 00:26:02,160
Speaker 3: No, oh, I'm the same way. I completely understand.

574
00:26:02,280 --> 00:26:04,960
Speaker 4: I think a lot of girls get that way, you know,

575
00:26:05,000 --> 00:26:06,840
Speaker 4: because we're emotional beings, and I love that.

576
00:26:07,640 --> 00:26:10,000
Speaker 1: But I actually am.

577
00:26:10,960 --> 00:26:14,760
Speaker 4: I'm quite into the long distance thing right now because

578
00:26:15,200 --> 00:26:17,359
Speaker 4: it causes.

579
00:26:19,600 --> 00:26:21,600
Speaker 1: I have to sit with my feelings.

580
00:26:21,680 --> 00:26:25,320
Speaker 4: We have to have prime communication, which for me, communication

581
00:26:25,640 --> 00:26:26,800
Speaker 4: is everything.

582
00:26:26,920 --> 00:26:28,359
Speaker 1: Without that, what do you have?

583
00:26:28,920 --> 00:26:32,920
Speaker 4: So it allows me to kind of get the machine

584
00:26:33,000 --> 00:26:37,359
Speaker 4: working before we take it to the next step. Yes,

585
00:26:38,680 --> 00:26:42,040
Speaker 4: is there a time frame on that After you've been

586
00:26:42,040 --> 00:26:44,919
Speaker 4: talking to someone for quite a bit, Let's say, like,

587
00:26:45,600 --> 00:26:48,160
Speaker 4: at what point do you go, okay, you know, we've

588
00:26:48,200 --> 00:26:50,399
Speaker 4: seen each other one time, or we've seen each other

589
00:26:50,440 --> 00:26:52,720
Speaker 4: a couple times, Like what is the time frame before

590
00:26:52,800 --> 00:26:55,760
Speaker 4: you say who's making the move?

591
00:26:56,720 --> 00:26:57,879
Speaker 6: Yeah, it's a great question.

592
00:26:58,359 --> 00:26:59,879
Speaker 5: And just to go back to what you said, I

593
00:26:59,880 --> 00:27:03,800
Speaker 5: think I think connection and trust and safety are built

594
00:27:03,960 --> 00:27:06,679
Speaker 5: in these day to day moments of being able to

595
00:27:06,880 --> 00:27:11,760
Speaker 5: talk things through or have hard conversations. Grand gestures are amazing,

596
00:27:11,960 --> 00:27:15,280
Speaker 5: or you know, sex may be amazing, but it's really

597
00:27:15,320 --> 00:27:18,600
Speaker 5: those kind of emotional connections underneath that I think are

598
00:27:18,600 --> 00:27:20,439
Speaker 5: really going to show you if the relationship is going

599
00:27:20,520 --> 00:27:24,440
Speaker 5: to last or not. And so in terms of a timeline, again,

600
00:27:24,520 --> 00:27:27,840
Speaker 5: everyone is so individual. And for you, what you were saying,

601
00:27:27,920 --> 00:27:30,080
Speaker 5: Laala is that you were a wounded bird and guarded.

602
00:27:30,119 --> 00:27:32,679
Speaker 5: And for myself back then too, it took me a

603
00:27:32,680 --> 00:27:36,840
Speaker 5: little bit longer to feel more emotionally connected, to let

604
00:27:36,920 --> 00:27:39,320
Speaker 5: my guards down in order.

605
00:27:39,080 --> 00:27:41,240
Speaker 7: To say, okay, this is it.

606
00:27:41,320 --> 00:27:42,880
Speaker 6: And I was the one that did move.

607
00:27:42,960 --> 00:27:46,359
Speaker 5: I moved from San Francisco to New York, and I

608
00:27:46,400 --> 00:27:48,560
Speaker 5: remember talking to all my friends, and I remember talking

609
00:27:48,600 --> 00:27:51,600
Speaker 5: to my parents, and we were not engaged at that time.

610
00:27:51,960 --> 00:27:53,040
Speaker 6: We had talked about it.

611
00:27:53,080 --> 00:27:55,240
Speaker 5: But again with my wounding in the back of my head,

612
00:27:55,280 --> 00:27:58,600
Speaker 5: I'm thinking, gosh, I could move three thousand miles, I

613
00:27:58,600 --> 00:28:00,639
Speaker 5: could give up my career, I could leave my friends,

614
00:28:00,680 --> 00:28:02,960
Speaker 5: all my community, I could land in New York and

615
00:28:03,000 --> 00:28:05,480
Speaker 5: he could say, yeah, I'm not really into this anymore,

616
00:28:05,600 --> 00:28:07,840
Speaker 5: Like there's not a ring on it, and even if

617
00:28:07,840 --> 00:28:10,919
Speaker 5: there were a ring on it, that could still change, right. So,

618
00:28:11,000 --> 00:28:13,320
Speaker 5: I think for myself and for everybody else, it's around

619
00:28:13,359 --> 00:28:16,440
Speaker 5: building that trust and kind of knowing yourself well enough

620
00:28:16,440 --> 00:28:20,479
Speaker 5: to kind of know what the like guards are that

621
00:28:20,520 --> 00:28:22,439
Speaker 5: need to be passed in order to trust that.

622
00:28:23,640 --> 00:28:26,320
Speaker 4: Okay, I have another question, A follow them to that

623
00:28:27,320 --> 00:28:30,040
Speaker 4: I actually have too. The first one, Amber, will you

624
00:28:30,080 --> 00:28:34,160
Speaker 4: remember them? The first one? You said, grand gestures? How

625
00:28:34,200 --> 00:28:38,120
Speaker 4: does one know the difference between a grand gesture and

626
00:28:38,240 --> 00:28:39,960
Speaker 4: love bombing where it's toxic?

627
00:28:41,400 --> 00:28:47,080
Speaker 5: M So, love bombing to me is kind of of

628
00:28:47,120 --> 00:28:51,080
Speaker 5: the idea of perfection, like everything is amazing and you're

629
00:28:51,120 --> 00:28:53,800
Speaker 5: so amazing and there are no flaws kind of highlighted

630
00:28:53,840 --> 00:28:58,000
Speaker 5: and everything is perfect, and we're not going to do

631
00:28:58,040 --> 00:29:00,000
Speaker 5: the deeper work. We're just going to love bomb you

632
00:29:00,120 --> 00:29:03,400
Speaker 5: with you know, trips or private planes or cash or

633
00:29:03,720 --> 00:29:06,720
Speaker 5: clothing or whatever it is, right, or words of affirmation

634
00:29:06,920 --> 00:29:09,680
Speaker 5: over and over again. I think the grand gestures come

635
00:29:09,800 --> 00:29:17,760
Speaker 5: along with real, consistent, deep communication. And I actually maybe

636
00:29:17,800 --> 00:29:20,240
Speaker 5: it's just me as a therapist. I actually really I

637
00:29:20,240 --> 00:29:22,960
Speaker 5: think it's necessary for couples to have hard moments and

638
00:29:23,040 --> 00:29:26,320
Speaker 5: hard challenges and arguments to see what's going to happen.

639
00:29:26,840 --> 00:29:30,440
Speaker 5: And so if you're in the love Bomby phase, to me,

640
00:29:30,520 --> 00:29:35,000
Speaker 5: you're not really making real growth emotionally over time. When

641
00:29:35,040 --> 00:29:38,240
Speaker 5: there's a grand gesture, it's usually you know, of like

642
00:29:38,280 --> 00:29:41,960
Speaker 5: a healthy relationship, it's usually let's go take a trip together,

643
00:29:42,080 --> 00:29:44,680
Speaker 5: or I book this amazing restaurant or something like that.

644
00:29:44,880 --> 00:29:48,640
Speaker 5: Along with that emotional depth and talking about the hard

645
00:29:48,680 --> 00:29:52,080
Speaker 5: things and not avoiding them and feeling seen and heard

646
00:29:52,240 --> 00:29:55,080
Speaker 5: in your relationship and like you're working through things together,

647
00:29:55,600 --> 00:29:58,760
Speaker 5: that may be difficult because relationships in the good times

648
00:29:58,800 --> 00:30:01,640
Speaker 5: are so much easier year than when they hit the

649
00:30:01,680 --> 00:30:04,479
Speaker 5: hard moments. And I think every relationship needs to hit

650
00:30:04,480 --> 00:30:06,720
Speaker 5: hard moments to kind of work through that and get

651
00:30:06,720 --> 00:30:10,120
Speaker 5: the skills under your belt to see long term what

652
00:30:10,280 --> 00:30:11,040
Speaker 5: that's going to be like.

653
00:30:11,640 --> 00:30:11,880
Speaker 1: Right.

654
00:30:20,840 --> 00:30:23,760
Speaker 4: The other question that I had was back to the

655
00:30:23,800 --> 00:30:24,560
Speaker 4: wounded birds.

656
00:30:24,600 --> 00:30:29,680
Speaker 1: So after I left our ex, I thank.

657
00:30:29,560 --> 00:30:31,560
Speaker 3: You for not calling him my ex.

658
00:30:31,880 --> 00:30:34,120
Speaker 2: She has this thing where she doesn't want to like

659
00:30:34,280 --> 00:30:36,760
Speaker 2: identify him, like like she had nothing to do with him,

660
00:30:36,760 --> 00:30:37,280
Speaker 2: but it's all me.

661
00:30:37,360 --> 00:30:39,600
Speaker 3: It was my fault. Thank you. I really have to

662
00:30:39,600 --> 00:30:40,600
Speaker 3: say I'm grateful for that.

663
00:30:41,360 --> 00:30:43,440
Speaker 1: I always say when I was dealing with your ex.

664
00:30:43,840 --> 00:30:49,160
Speaker 4: Continue, please, I want to say I took about a

665
00:30:49,320 --> 00:30:53,680
Speaker 4: year before I went out and started giving men any

666
00:30:53,680 --> 00:30:57,080
Speaker 4: sort of attention. And I noticed that I was attracting

667
00:30:57,160 --> 00:31:01,320
Speaker 4: men who took me, who loved bombed me, and took

668
00:31:01,400 --> 00:31:04,760
Speaker 4: me on high highs and low lows. And I took

669
00:31:04,800 --> 00:31:08,400
Speaker 4: a step back and said, this has nothing to do

670
00:31:08,480 --> 00:31:11,239
Speaker 4: with them. This is some work that you need to

671
00:31:11,280 --> 00:31:14,200
Speaker 4: do on yourself and take a beat and focus on

672
00:31:14,960 --> 00:31:19,080
Speaker 4: the trauma that's been caused. Which is why we're going

673
00:31:19,080 --> 00:31:22,280
Speaker 4: into year five of being single, because it's been a

674
00:31:22,480 --> 00:31:24,440
Speaker 4: lot of work.

675
00:31:24,280 --> 00:31:30,880
Speaker 1: And very hard and emotional. With that work is does

676
00:31:30,920 --> 00:31:32,960
Speaker 1: it is? Is the work not done?

677
00:31:33,080 --> 00:31:37,760
Speaker 4: Because there are moments that when I'm talking to a man,

678
00:31:38,400 --> 00:31:41,760
Speaker 4: I go, what if you said, when you were thinking

679
00:31:41,800 --> 00:31:43,680
Speaker 4: about moving, you didn't have a ring on your finger?

680
00:31:44,080 --> 00:31:50,640
Speaker 4: What if he says I'm good, Like there's no guarantee.

681
00:31:50,880 --> 00:31:52,640
Speaker 4: Do I have more work to do if I have

682
00:31:52,760 --> 00:31:53,960
Speaker 4: those moments pop up?

683
00:31:55,120 --> 00:31:58,960
Speaker 5: So to me, that sounds like anxiety, right, okay, of

684
00:31:59,000 --> 00:32:02,080
Speaker 5: the fear and the fear of what's already happened. So

685
00:32:02,120 --> 00:32:04,640
Speaker 5: you've already been through an experience like this where maybe

686
00:32:04,640 --> 00:32:08,040
Speaker 5: that hunch or maybe that kind of intuition was maybe

687
00:32:08,080 --> 00:32:10,400
Speaker 5: giving you some signs and maybe you ignored them, or

688
00:32:10,440 --> 00:32:15,720
Speaker 5: maybe you didn't. But I think that we can only

689
00:32:15,800 --> 00:32:17,640
Speaker 5: do And now this is a big thought, so let

690
00:32:17,640 --> 00:32:20,320
Speaker 5: me see if I can say it clearly. I think

691
00:32:20,360 --> 00:32:23,760
Speaker 5: that we can only do so much healing in relationships

692
00:32:23,880 --> 00:32:25,239
Speaker 5: by ourselves.

693
00:32:26,360 --> 00:32:26,760
Speaker 7: Any men.

694
00:32:27,320 --> 00:32:31,800
Speaker 5: Yeah, yeah, And it really takes us being in another

695
00:32:31,920 --> 00:32:37,440
Speaker 5: relationship to start ironing out the hard spots or the

696
00:32:37,560 --> 00:32:39,880
Speaker 5: spots that get stuck, or the spots that can't be

697
00:32:40,040 --> 00:32:42,720
Speaker 5: highlighted or activated when you're by yourself.

698
00:32:43,240 --> 00:32:43,960
Speaker 1: Yeah.

699
00:32:44,000 --> 00:32:46,400
Speaker 5: And so the fact that you're saying, if I have anxiety,

700
00:32:46,440 --> 00:32:48,440
Speaker 5: like I've met this person and they seem great, but

701
00:32:48,480 --> 00:32:52,240
Speaker 5: I'm still having this anxiety, that is normal, that is expected.

702
00:32:53,000 --> 00:32:54,920
Speaker 5: Of course you would have that come up in this

703
00:32:55,080 --> 00:32:59,080
Speaker 5: relationship whenever you start dating again and it's okay. So

704
00:32:59,200 --> 00:33:03,000
Speaker 5: then what happens from there? Are you able to continue

705
00:33:03,000 --> 00:33:05,760
Speaker 5: doing the work on yourself and saying is this my stuff?

706
00:33:05,840 --> 00:33:09,160
Speaker 5: Is this their stuff? Where does the line end and begin?

707
00:33:09,880 --> 00:33:12,320
Speaker 5: Can I ask for reassurance when I need it? And

708
00:33:12,360 --> 00:33:14,360
Speaker 5: how do they respond? Do they tell me to just

709
00:33:14,800 --> 00:33:18,400
Speaker 5: stop being so needy? Or do they actually reassure me?

710
00:33:18,880 --> 00:33:20,880
Speaker 5: Do they actually want to work on this together, and

711
00:33:20,920 --> 00:33:24,120
Speaker 5: that through time, I believe, is really what heals some

712
00:33:24,160 --> 00:33:27,680
Speaker 5: of those attachment woundings. I think that the caveat also

713
00:33:27,760 --> 00:33:31,200
Speaker 5: needs to be Are you willing to open yourself up again?

714
00:33:31,400 --> 00:33:34,720
Speaker 5: Are you willing to be vulnerable? Are you willing that

715
00:33:34,760 --> 00:33:37,880
Speaker 5: this may not work out, that you may be hurt again?

716
00:33:38,400 --> 00:33:41,240
Speaker 4: You saying that I feel like I can't breathe because

717
00:33:41,560 --> 00:33:47,120
Speaker 4: I have been allowing men into my life the past

718
00:33:47,160 --> 00:33:50,720
Speaker 4: however many months, but on a very small scale.

719
00:33:51,240 --> 00:33:52,280
Speaker 1: My guard is up.

720
00:33:52,360 --> 00:33:55,160
Speaker 4: If they're here today and gone tomorrow, I will so

721
00:33:55,600 --> 00:34:00,560
Speaker 4: not be affected because you haven't crossed that barrier, right,

722
00:34:01,160 --> 00:34:04,760
Speaker 4: And recently I've met someone where I can feel the

723
00:34:04,840 --> 00:34:10,160
Speaker 4: wall coming down and it is absolutely terrifying.

724
00:34:10,280 --> 00:34:12,200
Speaker 6: Yeah, yeah, yeah.

725
00:34:12,239 --> 00:34:14,200
Speaker 5: It doesn't mean that it's bad, it doesn't mean that

726
00:34:14,239 --> 00:34:17,080
Speaker 5: it's wrong. It actually means that there's an opportunity for

727
00:34:17,160 --> 00:34:19,680
Speaker 5: growth here. That's my assessment of what you're sharing.

728
00:34:20,520 --> 00:34:22,080
Speaker 4: Well, I'm going to hold on to what you just

729
00:34:22,120 --> 00:34:25,399
Speaker 4: said because I told Ambra, I'm like, well, we have

730
00:34:26,040 --> 00:34:26,839
Speaker 4: Melissa on today.

731
00:34:26,880 --> 00:34:29,120
Speaker 1: I'm like, I feel like I'm not going to be

732
00:34:29,160 --> 00:34:30,960
Speaker 1: able to talk to her in a blanketed way.

733
00:34:31,040 --> 00:34:34,640
Speaker 4: It's going to be very personal personal experiences.

734
00:34:34,920 --> 00:34:36,040
Speaker 1: Okay, I love this.

735
00:34:36,520 --> 00:34:39,799
Speaker 4: Yeah, how do I call my mind when I start

736
00:34:39,800 --> 00:34:43,600
Speaker 4: getting into that? You know, like because when this person

737
00:34:43,680 --> 00:34:46,200
Speaker 4: and I communicate, I can feel myself like.

738
00:34:46,560 --> 00:34:47,479
Speaker 1: Falling pretty hard.

739
00:34:47,840 --> 00:34:48,160
Speaker 7: Yeah.

740
00:34:48,200 --> 00:34:51,600
Speaker 4: And then there are times where at night I think

741
00:34:51,640 --> 00:34:54,319
Speaker 4: about our communication and at night is the hardest for

742
00:34:54,440 --> 00:34:58,520
Speaker 4: me start to get in my head and nitpick, and

743
00:34:58,600 --> 00:35:00,360
Speaker 4: I think, we got to put the guard up. The

744
00:35:00,400 --> 00:35:02,960
Speaker 4: way that you're feeling right now is not okay. This

745
00:35:03,440 --> 00:35:05,759
Speaker 4: You could get your heart hurt. What does that mean? Well,

746
00:35:05,760 --> 00:35:08,760
Speaker 4: it could mentally take me away from my work, mentally

747
00:35:08,800 --> 00:35:10,640
Speaker 4: take me away from my kids.

748
00:35:10,400 --> 00:35:11,560
Speaker 1: Which is my biggest thing.

749
00:35:12,360 --> 00:35:15,800
Speaker 4: And I actively try to talk myself into building the wallup,

750
00:35:15,840 --> 00:35:17,560
Speaker 4: and I say, tomorrow, when you text you, you're not

751
00:35:17,600 --> 00:35:18,359
Speaker 4: going to text back.

752
00:35:18,440 --> 00:35:20,600
Speaker 1: You'll call it. You'll text him the next day. So

753
00:35:20,800 --> 00:35:25,319
Speaker 1: now like I've gone insane. And then it makes me think,

754
00:35:25,320 --> 00:35:28,040
Speaker 1: did I not do the fucking work? I feel like

755
00:35:28,040 --> 00:35:29,440
Speaker 1: I did the fucking work.

756
00:35:29,920 --> 00:35:31,000
Speaker 3: What do you did the work?

757
00:35:31,120 --> 00:35:31,359
Speaker 7: Yes?

758
00:35:31,960 --> 00:35:34,080
Speaker 3: Exactly, this is this is the work.

759
00:35:34,160 --> 00:35:34,880
Speaker 1: It's not you.

760
00:35:35,239 --> 00:35:37,879
Speaker 2: And I'm not a therapist, but I've had some life

761
00:35:37,880 --> 00:35:41,000
Speaker 2: experience and too much fucking therapy in my life to

762
00:35:41,080 --> 00:35:44,560
Speaker 2: know that, like you have to just it's like this

763
00:35:44,600 --> 00:35:47,680
Speaker 2: is where the healing I've I've dated a lot, way

764
00:35:47,719 --> 00:35:50,320
Speaker 2: more than you have. And what I could take away

765
00:35:50,320 --> 00:35:53,200
Speaker 2: from all of these dates, these very short lived relationships,

766
00:35:53,239 --> 00:35:56,400
Speaker 2: whether they were one date or three months, is that

767
00:35:56,480 --> 00:36:01,279
Speaker 2: I learned something new about myself every single one. And

768
00:36:01,320 --> 00:36:04,400
Speaker 2: then so like I'm threading together who I am right

769
00:36:04,400 --> 00:36:07,360
Speaker 2: because I got married very young and then I was

770
00:36:07,360 --> 00:36:09,640
Speaker 2: in a long term relationship after that. So going out

771
00:36:09,640 --> 00:36:14,120
Speaker 2: in the dating world, like who am I? What do

772
00:36:14,200 --> 00:36:17,560
Speaker 2: I actually want? And what do I want was a.

773
00:36:17,440 --> 00:36:19,319
Speaker 3: Really hard question for me.

774
00:36:19,560 --> 00:36:23,960
Speaker 2: I have no idea because the same girl that wanted

775
00:36:23,960 --> 00:36:26,960
Speaker 2: something very differently when she was nineteen and then when

776
00:36:26,960 --> 00:36:30,759
Speaker 2: she became a mother, and now I'm thirty seven, I'm like,

777
00:36:31,200 --> 00:36:34,239
Speaker 2: my wants are at the opposite end of the spectrum.

778
00:36:34,320 --> 00:36:36,799
Speaker 2: So every time you go out and you date in

779
00:36:36,840 --> 00:36:39,520
Speaker 2: like those moments that you have, Lola like, it's beautiful,

780
00:36:39,520 --> 00:36:40,680
Speaker 2: don't beat yourself up.

781
00:36:41,640 --> 00:36:42,160
Speaker 7: Just call me.

782
00:36:42,480 --> 00:36:44,239
Speaker 1: I got your girl, I know you do.

783
00:36:44,840 --> 00:36:45,080
Speaker 2: Wow.

784
00:36:45,239 --> 00:36:48,720
Speaker 1: Is this podcast is titled Lalla's Group Therapy.

785
00:36:49,160 --> 00:36:53,000
Speaker 5: Yeah, I love it. I want to say something that

786
00:36:53,000 --> 00:36:55,239
Speaker 5: you said earlier, which I sort of feel like should

787
00:36:55,280 --> 00:36:58,000
Speaker 5: be a well known PSA, which is like at night.

788
00:36:58,520 --> 00:37:01,240
Speaker 5: I don't know about you all, but I always feel

789
00:37:01,239 --> 00:37:04,360
Speaker 5: more anxious at night when things are quiet. That is

790
00:37:04,360 --> 00:37:07,359
Speaker 5: when your mind automatically starts going. So if you can

791
00:37:07,400 --> 00:37:09,440
Speaker 5: just remind yourself of that, just hear my words in

792
00:37:09,480 --> 00:37:13,120
Speaker 5: your mind or say it to yourself. Things always feel

793
00:37:13,120 --> 00:37:16,279
Speaker 5: bigger and scarier at night. And let's not focus on

794
00:37:16,280 --> 00:37:20,000
Speaker 5: it tonight. We'll think about that tomorrow. That just a

795
00:37:20,040 --> 00:37:21,200
Speaker 5: caveat could be helpful.

796
00:37:21,480 --> 00:37:22,520
Speaker 1: I can totally do that.

797
00:37:22,920 --> 00:37:24,520
Speaker 7: Yeah, so that could be helpful.

798
00:37:24,800 --> 00:37:26,719
Speaker 5: I think the second piece that you said is like,

799
00:37:26,880 --> 00:37:29,359
Speaker 5: you know, you're noticing yourself opening your heart and you're

800
00:37:29,400 --> 00:37:33,040
Speaker 5: getting more invested in this relationship, and with more investment

801
00:37:33,120 --> 00:37:36,719
Speaker 5: comes maybe some expectations of what's this going to be like?

802
00:37:36,800 --> 00:37:37,520
Speaker 7: And maybe this is.

803
00:37:37,440 --> 00:37:38,040
Speaker 6: What I want?

804
00:37:38,080 --> 00:37:40,880
Speaker 5: And so you're putting more hope into the relationship, and

805
00:37:40,920 --> 00:37:42,680
Speaker 5: then you have this part of you that comes up

806
00:37:42,680 --> 00:37:46,279
Speaker 5: and goes ah. I wouldn't respond right away, slow it down.

807
00:37:46,480 --> 00:37:49,280
Speaker 5: I don't think it's safe. So that to me from

808
00:37:49,440 --> 00:37:53,400
Speaker 5: you know, studying psychology, and there's this some way of

809
00:37:53,440 --> 00:37:55,799
Speaker 5: working where we all have parts of ourselves, right, So

810
00:37:56,480 --> 00:37:59,640
Speaker 5: this part of you that is still really scared and

811
00:37:59,760 --> 00:38:02,600
Speaker 5: is really nervous to fall back into something that just

812
00:38:02,640 --> 00:38:06,319
Speaker 5: disappoints you or hurts you. Makes total sense. Just what

813
00:38:06,360 --> 00:38:08,719
Speaker 5: Amber was saying, like, don't beat yourself up. It makes

814
00:38:08,719 --> 00:38:10,840
Speaker 5: total sense. And it's coming up in my you know,

815
00:38:10,920 --> 00:38:15,520
Speaker 5: kind of therapisty speak to be healed, Okay, coming up now,

816
00:38:15,560 --> 00:38:19,759
Speaker 5: to be healed. So you know, I try not to

817
00:38:19,800 --> 00:38:21,480
Speaker 5: play games even when you want to.

818
00:38:21,640 --> 00:38:22,879
Speaker 7: It's like, gosh, do you want to be.

819
00:38:22,800 --> 00:38:24,560
Speaker 5: In a relationship that you're going to play games the

820
00:38:24,719 --> 00:38:27,680
Speaker 5: entire time or you're gonna wear right, you're gonna wear

821
00:38:27,719 --> 00:38:29,600
Speaker 5: a mask and then the person's going to figure out

822
00:38:29,640 --> 00:38:31,520
Speaker 5: who you really are and go, wait a second, you

823
00:38:31,600 --> 00:38:35,120
Speaker 5: were like so different three months ago, and now who's this?

824
00:38:35,320 --> 00:38:37,799
Speaker 5: And maybe I'm not into that? If you can just

825
00:38:38,320 --> 00:38:41,960
Speaker 5: try to just be yourself and show up and take

826
00:38:42,000 --> 00:38:44,560
Speaker 5: things as slow as you need to go, and start

827
00:38:44,600 --> 00:38:47,120
Speaker 5: maybe doing things a little differently than you're usual, You're

828
00:38:47,160 --> 00:38:50,160
Speaker 5: so aware, you're like, I'm a wounded bird. I'm guarded, Like,

829
00:38:50,320 --> 00:38:53,160
Speaker 5: are there anythings different that you could try in this

830
00:38:53,280 --> 00:38:55,359
Speaker 5: relationship that you haven't done in the past that sort

831
00:38:55,400 --> 00:38:58,480
Speaker 5: of led to a dead end or a disappointment.

832
00:38:58,520 --> 00:39:01,200
Speaker 4: Oh yeah, I'm sure there's a lot. I'll put together

833
00:39:01,280 --> 00:39:06,279
Speaker 4: the list tonight since my mind will be going. But no,

834
00:39:06,360 --> 00:39:08,560
Speaker 4: I don't want to play games. The stakes are really high.

835
00:39:08,560 --> 00:39:11,520
Speaker 4: I'm thirty five years old, i have two kids, and

836
00:39:11,920 --> 00:39:15,480
Speaker 4: the dating world is so different, like Amber said, than

837
00:39:15,520 --> 00:39:17,960
Speaker 4: when we were in our twenties and we had nothing to.

838
00:39:17,960 --> 00:39:19,440
Speaker 1: Lose and everything to gain.

839
00:39:19,760 --> 00:39:25,080
Speaker 4: Yes, so now you have to come into my world.

840
00:39:25,280 --> 00:39:29,600
Speaker 4: And I know that I'm okay by myself, right, I

841
00:39:30,360 --> 00:39:33,000
Speaker 4: have done the work where I'm one hundred percent and

842
00:39:33,040 --> 00:39:35,040
Speaker 4: I'm looking for my other one hundred percent.

843
00:39:35,920 --> 00:39:39,480
Speaker 5: What you just said there is revolutionary is amazing because

844
00:39:39,480 --> 00:39:42,960
Speaker 5: I think so many people, not everybody go into relationship.

845
00:39:43,200 --> 00:39:45,400
Speaker 5: We have this kind of like Hallmark version of like

846
00:39:45,480 --> 00:39:48,200
Speaker 5: I need to find someone to complete me. I need

847
00:39:48,239 --> 00:39:49,880
Speaker 5: to find my other half of the circle. I'm not

848
00:39:49,920 --> 00:39:53,319
Speaker 5: going to be okay if I'm not with somebody. And

849
00:39:53,320 --> 00:39:55,479
Speaker 5: maybe because you already had relationship, maybe because you've already

850
00:39:55,480 --> 00:39:58,480
Speaker 5: had children, you already had that experience, so that's kind

851
00:39:58,520 --> 00:40:00,399
Speaker 5: of already in your belt that maybe you're not looking

852
00:40:00,440 --> 00:40:02,640
Speaker 5: for someone to have kids with, where some other people

853
00:40:02,680 --> 00:40:05,000
Speaker 5: may be still wanting that or longing for that.

854
00:40:05,480 --> 00:40:06,680
Speaker 7: But I think that's huge.

855
00:40:06,840 --> 00:40:10,360
Speaker 5: I think the fact that you're okay alone is where

856
00:40:10,600 --> 00:40:12,360
Speaker 5: I would say is a lot of the work for

857
00:40:12,400 --> 00:40:14,319
Speaker 5: people who are looking to date. I think a lot

858
00:40:14,360 --> 00:40:16,719
Speaker 5: of decisions are made out of fear. A lot of

859
00:40:16,760 --> 00:40:20,759
Speaker 5: things are kind of your bar is brought down because

860
00:40:20,800 --> 00:40:23,160
Speaker 5: you want to be with somebody so badly, so good

861
00:40:23,320 --> 00:40:25,239
Speaker 5: that you're saying that I love that.

862
00:40:25,239 --> 00:40:27,120
Speaker 2: That kind of brings me back to the long distance

863
00:40:27,200 --> 00:40:29,759
Speaker 2: thing like this could be the perfect setup for you

864
00:40:29,800 --> 00:40:34,000
Speaker 2: where you have that time alone in that space to

865
00:40:34,120 --> 00:40:36,960
Speaker 2: feel like, you know, you're good on your own, but

866
00:40:37,000 --> 00:40:40,560
Speaker 2: then you're bringing someone in occasionally and maybe down the

867
00:40:40,560 --> 00:40:44,319
Speaker 2: line permanently where he fills up your bucket like that

868
00:40:44,400 --> 00:40:47,640
Speaker 2: other bucket and now you're just like overflowing as you know,

869
00:40:47,719 --> 00:40:50,560
Speaker 2: as a human being and like you're thriving that way.

870
00:40:50,719 --> 00:40:54,200
Speaker 2: This could be the perfect situation for it could be Yeah.

871
00:40:54,040 --> 00:40:55,000
Speaker 1: It could be right.

872
00:40:55,080 --> 00:40:57,120
Speaker 4: I'm like, I get to do my own thing and

873
00:40:58,120 --> 00:41:00,680
Speaker 4: with you saying you love what I just said, And Lissa,

874
00:41:00,760 --> 00:41:03,799
Speaker 4: my biggest fear is that if I bring someone in,

875
00:41:04,239 --> 00:41:07,040
Speaker 4: I will then lose myself and not be one hundred

876
00:41:07,080 --> 00:41:07,920
Speaker 4: percent anymore.

877
00:41:08,120 --> 00:41:10,839
Speaker 5: I know, I know, and that's a big fear, and

878
00:41:10,880 --> 00:41:13,600
Speaker 5: that's a risk, and that is a risk that everybody

879
00:41:14,080 --> 00:41:16,600
Speaker 5: has to take in order to open their heart to

880
00:41:16,680 --> 00:41:18,000
Speaker 5: love again once they've been hurt.

881
00:41:18,160 --> 00:41:19,440
Speaker 7: Everybody has to go through that.

882
00:41:19,880 --> 00:41:21,759
Speaker 5: And I hear people say all the time, forget it,

883
00:41:21,760 --> 00:41:23,239
Speaker 5: it's too hard, I can't do it.

884
00:41:23,320 --> 00:41:24,760
Speaker 7: I'm never doing this again.

885
00:41:25,640 --> 00:41:29,120
Speaker 5: But in my kind of experience, I think a lot

886
00:41:29,160 --> 00:41:31,160
Speaker 5: of us, and there's science to back this up, that

887
00:41:31,200 --> 00:41:33,600
Speaker 5: we're sort of wired to be in communities where we

888
00:41:33,640 --> 00:41:38,040
Speaker 5: feel seen and heard and not not kind of be alone,

889
00:41:38,040 --> 00:41:40,880
Speaker 5: whether that's like best friends or family or relationship. It

890
00:41:40,960 --> 00:41:43,879
Speaker 5: seems that that is what you're wanting. Some people don't

891
00:41:43,920 --> 00:41:47,200
Speaker 5: want to be in, you know, monogamous one on one relationship.

892
00:41:47,280 --> 00:41:49,400
Speaker 4: For you, that is something you would use exact at

893
00:41:49,440 --> 00:41:51,840
Speaker 4: the beginning where you are so into it. I like

894
00:41:52,320 --> 00:41:55,080
Speaker 4: my eye doesn't wander, I don't feel like I'm missing out.

895
00:41:55,200 --> 00:42:01,200
Speaker 4: I like a genuine connection where you're my person I arrive.

896
00:42:01,640 --> 00:42:04,080
Speaker 3: Yeah, calms my nervous system, which I'm sure does for

897
00:42:04,120 --> 00:42:04,480
Speaker 3: you too.

898
00:42:04,800 --> 00:42:05,960
Speaker 1: One percent.

899
00:42:06,560 --> 00:42:07,600
Speaker 6: Yeah. Yeah.

900
00:42:07,600 --> 00:42:09,560
Speaker 5: And I also love what Amber said a moment ago,

901
00:42:09,680 --> 00:42:12,160
Speaker 5: like just this idea of filling up your buckets and

902
00:42:12,200 --> 00:42:14,640
Speaker 5: how when we date someone you know, people like this,

903
00:42:15,000 --> 00:42:17,360
Speaker 5: and maybe I've been there too. When you meet somebody

904
00:42:17,440 --> 00:42:20,640
Speaker 5: and you do lose yourself, you cancel those dates with friends,

905
00:42:20,719 --> 00:42:22,920
Speaker 5: you stop doing the thing going to the gym, you

906
00:42:22,960 --> 00:42:26,520
Speaker 5: stop maybe working as hard or you know, doing the hobbies.

907
00:42:27,000 --> 00:42:31,120
Speaker 5: I think part of healing, especially if there's a wall

908
00:42:31,280 --> 00:42:34,200
Speaker 5: or anxiety that comes up, is to slow it down

909
00:42:34,200 --> 00:42:38,360
Speaker 5: a little bit, is to have kind of these deeper

910
00:42:38,440 --> 00:42:41,280
Speaker 5: emotional checkpoints of Okay, how's this person going to respond

911
00:42:41,320 --> 00:42:44,000
Speaker 5: if I bring up this vulnerable thing or that vulnerable thing,

912
00:42:45,480 --> 00:42:48,080
Speaker 5: and really take the time to move through this in

913
00:42:48,080 --> 00:42:50,200
Speaker 5: a way that makes sense that you can hold onto

914
00:42:50,280 --> 00:42:53,480
Speaker 5: your life, you know, so that you don't lose these

915
00:42:53,520 --> 00:42:55,640
Speaker 5: parts of yourself, even if you're like, man, I really

916
00:42:55,640 --> 00:42:57,319
Speaker 5: want to see him. He's in town, and I know

917
00:42:57,400 --> 00:42:59,239
Speaker 5: he's only here for a limited time, but I've got

918
00:42:59,400 --> 00:43:02,279
Speaker 5: plans with my girl friends, like just remember to keep

919
00:43:02,320 --> 00:43:04,640
Speaker 5: holding on to the parts of you that remind you

920
00:43:04,840 --> 00:43:07,919
Speaker 5: of who you are outside of this relationship.

921
00:43:08,840 --> 00:43:13,560
Speaker 1: Oh my god, Yeah, that was perfection. Well, let's I

922
00:43:13,560 --> 00:43:14,480
Speaker 1: have a question for you.

923
00:43:15,600 --> 00:43:18,040
Speaker 2: This is going to may come off so strange because

924
00:43:18,040 --> 00:43:22,520
Speaker 2: I'm a grown adult with raising teenage daughters and have

925
00:43:22,680 --> 00:43:29,879
Speaker 2: experienced being verry, divorced, heartbroken in love? What does love

926
00:43:30,000 --> 00:43:33,719
Speaker 2: mean like when you say like I love you to someone,

927
00:43:33,920 --> 00:43:37,200
Speaker 2: because I feel like it's changed so many different versions,

928
00:43:37,840 --> 00:43:39,960
Speaker 2: so romantically, what does that even mean.

929
00:43:41,480 --> 00:43:41,719
Speaker 4: For me?

930
00:43:42,080 --> 00:43:45,360
Speaker 5: It's not maybe going to sound as profound, but in

931
00:43:45,400 --> 00:43:49,440
Speaker 5: a feeling sense, it's profound for me to love somebody

932
00:43:49,480 --> 00:43:54,560
Speaker 5: and to feel that love returned is a feeling like

933
00:43:54,640 --> 00:43:57,359
Speaker 5: I can be who I am, I can show up

934
00:43:57,480 --> 00:43:59,560
Speaker 5: as I am and.

935
00:44:00,440 --> 00:44:02,719
Speaker 6: In all the parts of that right, So.

936
00:44:04,160 --> 00:44:07,400
Speaker 5: Knowing when I, you know, talk about loving my husband

937
00:44:07,400 --> 00:44:09,440
Speaker 5: and me feeling loved by him, it's the feeling that,

938
00:44:09,560 --> 00:44:12,120
Speaker 5: of course, life is going to happen. Of course we're

939
00:44:12,160 --> 00:44:16,360
Speaker 5: going to argue, Even healthy, happy couples argue, Even therapists

940
00:44:16,480 --> 00:44:20,120
Speaker 5: argue and say stupid things or like below the belt

941
00:44:20,200 --> 00:44:24,160
Speaker 5: things that I know better I shouldn't be saying. But

942
00:44:24,239 --> 00:44:27,600
Speaker 5: it's really to feel loved, in my opinion, is to

943
00:44:27,760 --> 00:44:31,880
Speaker 5: feel like you have somebody with you by your side

944
00:44:32,080 --> 00:44:34,439
Speaker 5: that is going to help you navigate and work out

945
00:44:34,480 --> 00:44:37,560
Speaker 5: whatever is coming your way, and that you can be

946
00:44:37,640 --> 00:44:40,440
Speaker 5: yourself and that you can be vulnerable and be authentic.

947
00:44:40,560 --> 00:44:43,000
Speaker 5: And of course there are moments that I'm sure you know,

948
00:44:43,040 --> 00:44:44,640
Speaker 5: it sounds lovely in theory, and then you put it

949
00:44:44,680 --> 00:44:46,760
Speaker 5: in practice. And there are things that I've said vulnerably

950
00:44:46,800 --> 00:44:49,400
Speaker 5: that my husband has a response to or a reaction

951
00:44:49,560 --> 00:44:53,640
Speaker 5: to that maybe isn't always positive, but we work through it.

952
00:44:53,719 --> 00:44:55,959
Speaker 5: And I think part of that is knowing that he's

953
00:44:56,000 --> 00:44:58,880
Speaker 5: going to repair and not give up. That allows me

954
00:44:58,960 --> 00:45:01,680
Speaker 5: to settle into this relationationship in such a deep way

955
00:45:01,800 --> 00:45:03,280
Speaker 5: and to feel truly loved.

956
00:45:04,560 --> 00:45:07,040
Speaker 2: Hmmm, I like that. Do you think it's conditional or

957
00:45:07,160 --> 00:45:09,280
Speaker 2: unconditional or a version of books?

958
00:45:10,680 --> 00:45:13,560
Speaker 5: You know, when I got married, I had in my

959
00:45:13,680 --> 00:45:17,080
Speaker 5: vowels because I wasn't into football and sports, and I

960
00:45:17,200 --> 00:45:19,360
Speaker 5: wasn't into like the music that he listened to, and

961
00:45:19,440 --> 00:45:20,919
Speaker 5: I wasn't into like some of these things.

962
00:45:20,960 --> 00:45:22,680
Speaker 6: And I said in my vowels like I.

963
00:45:22,680 --> 00:45:25,280
Speaker 5: Will love you unconditionally, and I'll learn to love football,

964
00:45:25,360 --> 00:45:26,120
Speaker 5: and I'll learn.

965
00:45:26,040 --> 00:45:26,959
Speaker 6: To love your music.

966
00:45:27,320 --> 00:45:29,600
Speaker 5: And I'm like, no, I just I think that people

967
00:45:29,760 --> 00:45:33,640
Speaker 5: come in very differently in relationships, and it's okay to

968
00:45:33,760 --> 00:45:36,440
Speaker 5: not have the same interests, or to have different opinions,

969
00:45:36,560 --> 00:45:39,480
Speaker 5: or to have different feelings. I don't like to put

970
00:45:39,520 --> 00:45:42,560
Speaker 5: it in such black or white terms conditional or unconditional.

971
00:45:43,400 --> 00:45:46,320
Speaker 5: I think when it goes to unconditional, it's can we

972
00:45:46,440 --> 00:45:48,880
Speaker 5: work through this together? And even though we have differences

973
00:45:49,000 --> 00:45:51,920
Speaker 5: of opinion or differences of preferences, as long as they're

974
00:45:51,960 --> 00:45:54,480
Speaker 5: not deal breakers. Right, If they're deal breakers like you

975
00:45:54,640 --> 00:45:56,880
Speaker 5: want to be, you know, in a threesome and I

976
00:45:57,080 --> 00:46:00,200
Speaker 5: don't like that, may be a deal breaker for something, right,

977
00:46:00,360 --> 00:46:05,400
Speaker 5: maybe yeah, but as long as they're not deal breaker conversations.

978
00:46:05,840 --> 00:46:08,640
Speaker 5: I think the unconditional part comes in with knowing again

979
00:46:09,120 --> 00:46:13,399
Speaker 5: that they're willing to repair maybe arguments that went off

980
00:46:13,480 --> 00:46:16,239
Speaker 5: track or situations that didn't go well and come back

981
00:46:16,280 --> 00:46:19,000
Speaker 5: to the table and say, you know what, I'm really

982
00:46:19,480 --> 00:46:21,440
Speaker 5: I'm open to owning my part now, I'm open to

983
00:46:21,520 --> 00:46:25,320
Speaker 5: having this conversation because the relationship matters more than like

984
00:46:25,480 --> 00:46:27,400
Speaker 5: winning the fight and winning the argument.

985
00:46:28,080 --> 00:46:32,759
Speaker 1: That's my dream. Man back down, let me just win this.

986
00:46:33,000 --> 00:46:37,200
Speaker 5: One, and knowing you know, if there's a man in

987
00:46:37,239 --> 00:46:39,040
Speaker 5: your life that kind of knows this is how Laala

988
00:46:39,160 --> 00:46:40,640
Speaker 5: goes like, let her just have the argument.

989
00:46:40,719 --> 00:46:42,440
Speaker 6: I know she'll settle down and she'll come back to

990
00:46:42,520 --> 00:46:42,960
Speaker 6: the table.

991
00:46:43,440 --> 00:46:45,719
Speaker 1: Oh, when we can talk about it, Yes, let me

992
00:46:45,800 --> 00:46:46,160
Speaker 1: be right.

993
00:46:46,320 --> 00:46:48,120
Speaker 4: Then I'll go in my room and I'll think about

994
00:46:48,120 --> 00:46:50,759
Speaker 4: it and then I'll come out and apologize for mine.

995
00:46:51,040 --> 00:46:54,839
Speaker 7: It's the whole thing, and that to me is unconditional love, Amber.

996
00:46:54,960 --> 00:46:57,719
Speaker 5: Kind of learning your partner's quirks, learning what makes them tick,

997
00:46:57,920 --> 00:47:01,919
Speaker 5: learning they're wounding, learning their oil, and trying as best

998
00:47:01,920 --> 00:47:03,799
Speaker 5: as you can not to weaponize it against them.

999
00:47:04,680 --> 00:47:05,479
Speaker 3: No, that's the worst.

1000
00:47:05,520 --> 00:47:08,279
Speaker 2: That's no, you shouldn't even be in a relationship if

1001
00:47:08,320 --> 00:47:09,000
Speaker 2: that's what you're doing.

1002
00:47:09,160 --> 00:47:09,520
Speaker 6: Agreed.

1003
00:47:10,480 --> 00:47:14,560
Speaker 4: I gained so much from this conversation. I'm so happy

1004
00:47:14,640 --> 00:47:16,560
Speaker 4: that you came on. Thank you for giving me. The

1005
00:47:18,880 --> 00:47:22,600
Speaker 4: listeners are gonna love it. Has a lot of work

1006
00:47:22,719 --> 00:47:26,960
Speaker 4: she's got to do. Thank God for this woman, Amber,

1007
00:47:27,040 --> 00:47:27,880
Speaker 4: You're always amazing.

1008
00:47:27,920 --> 00:47:28,279
Speaker 6: I love you.

1009
00:47:28,360 --> 00:47:30,640
Speaker 4: Best of luck to the both of us and whatever

1010
00:47:30,760 --> 00:47:34,760
Speaker 4: love situation we may find. And thank you so much again, Melissa.

1011
00:47:34,800 --> 00:47:36,920
Speaker 4: I'm so happy for you. You've given me so much.

1012
00:47:36,960 --> 00:47:40,960
Speaker 6: Hope, Yay, I'm so glad. Yes, you're more than welcome.

1013
00:47:41,520 --> 00:47:43,239
Speaker 4: Have the best day and you, guys, thank you for

1014
00:47:43,320 --> 00:47:45,960
Speaker 4: listening to another episode of an Unlikely Affair.

1015
00:47:46,000 --> 00:47:48,680
Speaker 1: We're going to catch you guys next week. Bye bye.