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Speaker 1: When you've got that voice telling you you're no good.

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Speaker 1: Who do you think you are? And you're not pretty

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Speaker 1: and people are going to make fun of you, you

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Speaker 1: start to really listen to that voice. When you voice

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Speaker 1: your fear, the fear actually ends up being less. Why

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Speaker 1: is it that if you name something, you feel.

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Speaker 2: Better about it, Because most of.

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Speaker 1: Us we want to stop feeling the ego. We want

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Speaker 1: to pretend it doesn't exist, we want to villainize it.

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Speaker 2: But what if it be freaking superpower?

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Speaker 3: I'm Radley d Wlukiah and on my podcast A Really

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Speaker 3: Good Cry, we embrace the messy and the beautiful, providing

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Speaker 3: a space for raw, unfiltered conversations that celebrate vulnerability and

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Speaker 3: allow you to tune in to learn, connect and find

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Speaker 3: comfort together.

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Speaker 4: Okay, Hi, Lisa?

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Speaker 2: What I holpi?

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Speaker 3: Lisa Billiu is in the building people, and before we

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Speaker 3: get started, I need to tell you the story of

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Speaker 3: one how we met and two what she represents for

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Speaker 3: me in my life.

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Speaker 4: First of all, thank you for being here, Thanks for

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Speaker 4: having me so grateful.

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Speaker 3: Lisa is the person who well, let me just start

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Speaker 3: off by saying she has a book out called Radical

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Speaker 3: Confidence and the reason I'm mentioning this first off is

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Speaker 3: because she is somebody who I don't know whether you

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Speaker 3: know this. I think I've told this day in the past,

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Speaker 3: but inspired and pushed me to actually become more confident

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Speaker 3: in my life from the moment that I met her,

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Speaker 3: And it was.

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Speaker 4: The first podcast. Her podcast was the first podcast.

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Speaker 3: I ever went on. It's called Women of Impact. And

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Speaker 3: when she first asked me to be on it, we

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Speaker 3: had become friends. We were meeting up regularly, hanging out,

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Speaker 3: and she asked me to come on the podcast. And

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Speaker 3: I was like, why would I come on your podcast?

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Speaker 4: Like for what reason?

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Speaker 3: What would I talk about? What would we talk about?

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Speaker 3: And you said, you know, it's going to be conversational.

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Speaker 3: We're just going to have a conversation, just like we're

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Speaker 3: having now while we're having coffee. And I remember the

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Speaker 3: day of I was honestly going to call her and

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Speaker 3: be like, I cannot come. I'm ill, there's something wrong

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Speaker 3: with me. There's no way I'm making it to your podcast.

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Speaker 3: But you have been from the moment I met you

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Speaker 3: such an incredible hype woman, and like you exude did

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Speaker 3: so much confidence from the moment I met you that

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Speaker 3: it you know how they say, the energy that you.

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Speaker 4: Carry you can pour into other people.

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Speaker 3: You did that to me, and so somehow from all

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Speaker 3: the words of encouragement you gave me, I ended up

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Speaker 3: coming onto that podcast. And let me tell you, that

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Speaker 3: podcast not only did it open up so much in

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Speaker 3: me and gave me the confidence to realize what I

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Speaker 3: had within me, the amount of people still to this

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Speaker 3: day that come up to me and tell me that

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Speaker 3: they cried with me in the podcast, that it helped

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Speaker 3: them go through so much of what they were going

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Speaker 3: through and gave them hope for the future, purely because

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Speaker 3: Lisa believed in me before I believed in myself and

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Speaker 3: gave me the platform an opportunity to prove to myself

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Speaker 3: that I could do something that I wasn't comfortable doing.

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Speaker 4: So thank you for that.

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Speaker 2: Oh my god. I mean, here's the thing. I just

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Speaker 2: saw you. I know I saw you, and when.

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Speaker 1: You're not in that person's head, I don't carry the

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Speaker 1: insecurities you carry. So I just see this very bubbly, sweet,

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Speaker 1: kind in intellectual, driven, ambitious like friend, and so I

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Speaker 1: didn't carry all the insecurities that you carry.

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Speaker 2: So when I asked you to come on my show,

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Speaker 2: I was like, of.

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Speaker 1: Course you should come wat. You need to teach you

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Speaker 1: other women how you think. And then I saw that

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Speaker 1: was when I then saw your insecurities because I didn't

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Speaker 1: actually even see it, and you were ming and you

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Speaker 1: were r ring and you were asking me a thousand questions,

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Speaker 1: and I was like, wow, I didn't expect it because

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Speaker 1: I just see the shine that you bring into every

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Speaker 1: fricking room. And I think, and as a friend, I

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Speaker 1: think that that's the important part, is that it is

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Speaker 1: our jobs to highlight the beauty that we see, to

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Speaker 1: help that person or our friends out of their negative

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Speaker 1: loop that maybe they have an internal loop that they're

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Speaker 1: telling themselves then they're going right. So whatever loop you

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Speaker 1: were on me just telling you exactly how I felt, Yeah,

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Speaker 1: it just like breaks that cycle and then hopefully allows

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Speaker 1: you to then rewire. And then obviously you saw the

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Speaker 1: knock on effect that other people were receiving your message

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Speaker 1: so well, and then hopefully that then became the stepping

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Speaker 1: stones to then you building your own confidence.

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Speaker 3: It really was, And even just having that conversation, it

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Speaker 3: wasn't even the knock on effect other people. It was

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Speaker 3: the effect that it had of me even opening up

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Speaker 3: and having that conversation with you, to have someone who

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Speaker 3: was like actively asking me questions that I hadn't even

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Speaker 3: thought about my life well, actively listening and you were

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Speaker 3: asking me questions within the questions, and I was like, gosh,

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Speaker 3: I haven't thought about any of this, but I'm having

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Speaker 3: to think of it in this moment and unwrap it

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Speaker 3: in this moment. So it was it was basically like

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Speaker 3: a therapy session for me. You gave me a free

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Speaker 3: therapy session, Thank you. But you have this book out

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Speaker 3: called Radical Confidence, and I want to ask start off

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Speaker 3: by asking you what do you feel radical confidence means?

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Speaker 4: Like what is radical confidence on a day to day basis?

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Speaker 1: Yeah, So people used to say that I was confident

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Speaker 1: or think that I was confident, and it's like going

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Speaker 1: back to that negative voice in your head. It's like

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Speaker 1: when you've got that voice telling you you're no good

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Speaker 1: and who do you think you are? And you're not

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Speaker 1: pretty and people are going to make fun of you,

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Speaker 1: Like you start to really listen to that voice. And

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Speaker 1: so when people saying I was confident, I was like,

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Speaker 1: I don't understand what you mean because I don't feel it.

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Speaker 1: And what I realized was people saw that I had

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Speaker 1: radical confidence, which means that I feel utterly insecure. I

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Speaker 1: don't know what I'm doing, I don't believe in myself.

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Speaker 1: I have a negative voice, but I still take steps

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Speaker 1: forward into action, and it's the action piece that turns

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Speaker 1: into me getting good and me getting good and competent.

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Speaker 1: Is then what leads to me being confident. And what

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Speaker 1: I thought was though in just telling people, oh, you

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Speaker 1: don't feel confident, I'll do it anyway, that is the

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Speaker 1: worst advice right, Like, it winds me up because when

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Speaker 1: people say just do it anyway, you know it's not

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Speaker 1: easy just to do it anyway. So for me, it's like, Okay,

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Speaker 1: I know I need to move forward. I can't stay

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Speaker 1: still otherwise I'm not going to build my confidence like

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Speaker 1: a muscle. So how do I take action? How do

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Speaker 1: I get started? And so to me, it's about a blueprint.

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Speaker 1: It's about putting steps together before you even start something

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Speaker 1: so that when you get started, you don't fail. You

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Speaker 1: don't let that negative voice this persuade you to do

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Speaker 1: something else.

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Speaker 4: Is putting on your armor before you go on the battlefield.

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Speaker 2: Yeah, exactly.

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Speaker 1: Or I just imagine, let's take your podcast for example,

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Speaker 1: I bet you.

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Speaker 2: I know you well enough. It was like, do I

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Speaker 2: do it? Do I not? Oh my god? But if

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Speaker 2: I get started now, I'm going to be held to it.

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Speaker 3: Well, if I signed this contract, does that mean I

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Speaker 3: have to commit to like the weekly things?

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Speaker 4: What happens if I have nothing to say that week?

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Speaker 2: Right? Or what if I feel about I don't know

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Speaker 2: what to do?

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Speaker 1: The second though, you go, Okay, there is this fear,

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Speaker 1: but what.

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Speaker 2: Am I going to call it? Yeah?

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Speaker 1: Yes, you don't hire a team yet, you haven't even

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Speaker 1: told anyone, but you're like, what am I going to

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Speaker 1: call it?

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Speaker 4: If it was to do it, what would I call it?

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Speaker 2: Yeah? And then the step second step, what would the

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Speaker 2: set look like?

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Speaker 1: So what you're doing is you're starting to put these

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Speaker 1: tiny little steps in in making decisions whether the bigger

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Speaker 1: picture isn't so overwhelmed you don't get started in the

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Speaker 1: first place, because if I was to sit here and

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Speaker 1: go all right, rady, you're going to do and build

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Speaker 1: the biggest postcasts in the world, get started right now,

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Speaker 1: and you'd be like, oh god, you would freeze.

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Speaker 4: Yeah.

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Speaker 2: But if I said to you just today on a Monday,

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Speaker 2: let's say, what name would.

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Speaker 1: You call it, Yeah, and then not you Tuesday, what

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Speaker 1: would you just set look like? And then on a Wednesday,

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Speaker 1: who would your first guest be? All of that now

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Speaker 1: doesn't become overwhelming. Now, that is how you gain radical

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Speaker 1: confidence in order to become confident at the end.

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Speaker 4: That's so true. I was just thinking of the way

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Speaker 4: that you're saying it.

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Speaker 3: And they do say little steps at a time, but

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Speaker 3: the way that you've just described, I'm like, yeah, you're

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Speaker 3: almost creating it in your imagination before it's happening. Yes,

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Speaker 3: you're almost experiencing it before it's happened, and therefore your

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Speaker 3: body and your mind become a little more like you're

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Speaker 3: dabbling your toes in it. You're like, Okay, let me

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Speaker 3: just test the waters, see how I feel if I

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Speaker 3: was to do it. Let me hypothetically create this scenario.

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Speaker 3: And then your mind kind of realizes that, oh, I've

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Speaker 3: created this scenario and I actually don't feel too weird

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Speaker 3: about it, and this name actually feels really great, and

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Speaker 3: said that I've created, I actually we like it and

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Speaker 3: create excitement rather than the fear. Exactly, it takes over

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Speaker 3: the fear that you're feeling.

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Speaker 1: Yeah, I interviewed this neurosurgeon, and it basically is neuroplasticity.

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Speaker 1: And so what you're doing is your when you voice

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Speaker 1: your fear, when you like picture your fear, the fear

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Speaker 1: actually ends up being less.

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Speaker 2: Now I really like to understand why.

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Speaker 1: Yes, right, because I really want to be able to

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Speaker 1: impact myself in order to achieve or to set a

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Speaker 1: goal and then achieve it.

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Speaker 2: So why is it that if.

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Speaker 1: You name something you feel better about it, because most

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Speaker 1: of us in the fear don't bloody want to talk

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Speaker 1: about it, right, So what she explained to me was, look,

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Speaker 1: when you label something as fearful and you try to

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Speaker 1: forget about you try not to look at it. The

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Speaker 1: second happens, all of your anxiety comes to the surface.

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Speaker 1: But if you name something, what you're doing is you're

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Speaker 1: telling and framing it in your mind like it's normal.

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Speaker 1: And so this is why things like manifestation really works,

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Speaker 1: because if you don't manifest let's say, for instance, you're

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Speaker 1: just like, all of a sudden, someone comes to you

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Speaker 1: and they're like, I'm going to offer you a podcast

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Speaker 1: the fear of Oh my God. A podcast who's gonna

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Speaker 1: listen to?

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Speaker 4: It?

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Speaker 2: Will all come rushing forward.

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Speaker 1: Now, if you've manifested, if you've been thinking about it,

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Speaker 1: you're telling your body, this isn't fearful.

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Speaker 4: You're ready, it's ready. You will correct exactly.

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Speaker 1: You've prepped yourself for it so that the second then,

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Speaker 1: if you've been doing the work, when you eventually then

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Speaker 1: get your podcast, the fear on day one won't be

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Speaker 1: as extreme because you've done all that neuroplasticity and frame

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Speaker 1: rebuilding your mind into not seeing that as something fearful

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Speaker 1: but seeing it is something exciting.

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Speaker 3: Yeah, I remember hearing this code, and I don't think

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Speaker 3: I'm saying it exactly, but it says the sword of

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Speaker 3: knowledge can cut through fear.

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Speaker 4: And so what that.

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Speaker 3: Means is like, it's exactly what you're saying. When you

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Speaker 3: are able to identify it doesn't mean that you know everything,

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Speaker 3: but when your body and your mind sees it as

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Speaker 3: being familiar, like anything unknown, we create fear around So

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Speaker 3: how do we get how do we get around that? Well,

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Speaker 3: if it's unf familiar, make it familiar, and then you

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Speaker 3: don't you don't feel the fear anymore. And so creating

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Speaker 3: the labels or creating that visual in your mind, or

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Speaker 3: making something feel more familiar reduce it, or understanding it

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Speaker 3: better reduces the fear that you feel from it.

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Speaker 1: Yeah, I mean, and you can take this too, from

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Speaker 1: you know, building a podcast to even like religion. Let's say,

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Speaker 1: it's like, I think that the power of religion really

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Speaker 1: does almost make you think about death in a lighthearted way.

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Speaker 1: And so if you believe that, okay, this isn't just

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Speaker 1: one life, that there actually are multiple lives or I

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Speaker 1: interviewed this woman that was one hundred and three years old,

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Speaker 1: gladdess that I was telling.

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Speaker 3: You about amazing.

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Speaker 1: I said to her, she has a ten year plan

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Speaker 1: and she's one hundred and three, and so I didn't

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Speaker 1: want to be disrespectful, but I wanted to know the truth.

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Speaker 1: I was like, in all honesty, how do you have

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Speaker 1: a ten year plan? And she was like, well, maybe

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Speaker 1: I make it make but I don't. But at least

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Speaker 1: I know what I'm always working towards. And then she says,

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Speaker 1: and then when I die, she's like all the people

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Speaker 1: that died before me. Because her children, some of her

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Speaker 1: children have died, because she's one hundred and three, She's like,

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Speaker 1: I don't grieve them not being here because I just

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Speaker 1: know that when I die, it's a do you believe so

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Speaker 1: she's going to she believes she's gonna have a party.

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Speaker 1: On the other side because you know her daughter who

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Speaker 1: passed away, her brothers, and so there's no fear. So

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Speaker 1: when you just have acknowledged it, you look at it,

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Speaker 1: you see the positive side of it instead of the

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Speaker 1: negative side. You now literally can eliminate that fear. And

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Speaker 1: when you know that, now you can almost use that

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Speaker 1: framework in anything you want.

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Speaker 3: Yes, absolutely, I think about that with death as well.

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Speaker 3: I feel like when I started understanding different spiritual practices

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Speaker 3: and what connected to me the most was the soul

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Speaker 3: is eternal, and so that changed my whole perception and

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Speaker 3: view of fear in this lifetime, of what this physical

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Speaker 3: body means, of what it means to live in this body,

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Speaker 3: what fear actually means to my body versus my heart

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Speaker 3: or my soul. And so whether people believe it or not,

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Speaker 3: for me, that reduced the amount of fear that I

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Speaker 3: was even feeling about my day to day life, about

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Speaker 3: my family, about everything around me, that I was creating

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Speaker 3: so much anxiety and fear around me.

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Speaker 2: I don't know if you've heard this recently.

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Speaker 1: I just discovered it, and I love talking to you

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Speaker 1: about new studies and stuff. So I've been having problems

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Speaker 1: with my health. You know, I've been struggling for a

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Speaker 1: long time. But recently we've identified that it could be

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Speaker 1: my liver. Wow, Okay, And what I heard recently is

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Speaker 1: the liver is the organ of anger, and that you

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Speaker 1: have organs that are related to every emotion.

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Speaker 2: Yeah, tell me, I had no idea.

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Speaker 4: Yes, every emotion.

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Speaker 3: And there's this incredible chart, and I think in my

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Speaker 3: first episode I talk about this where there's this incredible

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Speaker 3: chart where they did heat senses of the body of

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Speaker 3: what emotion light what part of your body lights up

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Speaker 3: with different emotions. And so I've heard that the liver

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Speaker 3: is the organ for anger, but there's also like when

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Speaker 3: you feel angry, you know how they say hot headed.

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Speaker 3: So apparently the heat rises in the body up till

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Speaker 3: the head. So when someone's feeling angry, they did like

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Speaker 3: heat senses on people, and the head is the place

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Speaker 3: that gets like the hottest during anger. And so in

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Speaker 3: different parts of the body, like for women when they're

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Speaker 3: feeling really emotional and sad, it's in the pelvis area

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Speaker 3: or the hips area. And that's why even in yoga

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Speaker 3: when I do my yoga teacher training. The key exercises

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Speaker 3: that are recommended for women for emotional release are hip openness,

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Speaker 3: because we hold so much and which makes sense because

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Speaker 3: you know a lot of women's for women especially, our

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Speaker 3: body is prone, especially by a certain age, start to

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Speaker 3: start creating certain hormones for giving birth, for menopause, for

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Speaker 3: whatever it is.

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Speaker 4: And so all of our hormones lie.

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Speaker 3: Within the area, and so apparently our emotional release all

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Speaker 3: lies in our hip flexes. And so there's so many

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Speaker 3: different parts of our body that one whole different emotions,

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Speaker 3: but two whole different types of different types of our traumas,

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Speaker 3: and the different energy that we hold in our body

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Speaker 3: from every past experience that we have.

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Speaker 1: It is fascinating. And I'm reading the book. I read

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Speaker 1: it a long time ago, but the body keeps the score.

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Speaker 3: I've been recommended that I just restarted it today, in fact,

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Speaker 3: because I want to understand this, because again, how do

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Speaker 3: we connect the body with our mind and the mind

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Speaker 3: with the body.

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Speaker 1: And for me, you know, I joke, but I'm actually

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Speaker 1: really serious. I want to live till I'm over one hundred.

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Speaker 1: But women is something like even though women live longer

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Speaker 1: than men, we end up living in worse health twenty

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Speaker 1: percent of our lives.

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Speaker 2: More than men.

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Speaker 1: So even though we live longer, we actually live in

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Speaker 1: more poorer health in our life than men do.

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Speaker 2: Well.

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Speaker 1: So married men live longer than single men because they've

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Speaker 1: got a woman to tell them, don't text and drive,

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Speaker 1: go to the doctor when you've got.

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Speaker 2: A headache, things like that.

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Speaker 1: But married women live less as not as long as

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Speaker 1: single women because we're take caretakers. That is so interesting, actually,

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Speaker 1: I stat from doctor Amon himself.

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Speaker 2: Wow.

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Speaker 1: Yeah, So when I think about our lifespan, when I

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Speaker 1: think about how we show up every day, when I

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Speaker 1: think about what we're doing people pleasing, what that's doing. Internally,

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Speaker 1: I'm really starting to pay attention. I'm starting to really

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Speaker 1: understand like the organs and things like that, and I think, like,

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Speaker 1: if you have lung issues, it's a sign of fear

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Speaker 1: because again, like your lungs is the thing that.

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Speaker 3: Ys like rung titan, like, it's the it's where the

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Speaker 3: fight or flight responsib really lies in your breath and

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Speaker 3: if you're yeah, it's it's so fascinating. I I was

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Speaker 3: thinking about the fact that we were talking about armor earlier,

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Speaker 3: and I remember the first time I saw you, I

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Speaker 3: was just so like enamored by.

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Speaker 4: How badazzled you were, Like you were like you were.

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Speaker 3: Decked out, you had the change, you had, all the bling,

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Speaker 3: you had your.

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Speaker 4: Watches and as she has today. But it also like.

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Speaker 3: After I met you, I was like this, there was

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Speaker 3: something about you that stood out and it was the jewels.

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Speaker 3: And it wasn't like what you were in, yes, that

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Speaker 3: obviously stands out, but it was like how you were

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Speaker 3: carrying yourself with that. And I thought about armor that

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Speaker 3: we just spoke about now, and how I felt like,

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Speaker 3: you know, I know you always wear Superwoman somewhere wonder

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Speaker 3: a wonder Woman, wonder Woman got we and I think

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Speaker 3: you had that from when I first met.

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Speaker 2: Oh this necklace, yeah, I've had for like seven years.

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Speaker 3: Yeah, And so I remember seeing that and I was like, gosh,

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Speaker 3: she really does have this wonder Woman presence about her,

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Speaker 3: Like you walk in the way that you carry yourself,

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Speaker 3: what you're wearing, like you've always been very mindful about

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Speaker 3: the way that you dress and what you put on

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Speaker 3: your body and it and it being a symbol of

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Speaker 3: who you are. And so I wanted to ask how

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Speaker 3: you've how that's evolved in your life, and whether it's

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Speaker 3: like a tooling technique for creating this confidence and how

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Speaker 3: how how they marry together.

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Speaker 1: Yeah, it's super deliberate. So I set a goal and

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Speaker 1: I think, how do I actually get to it? Now?

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Speaker 2: Flashing back to me being from North London.

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Speaker 1: Greed girl, like at the age of ten, I was

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Speaker 1: bully for my looks. I had the unibrow, I had

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Speaker 1: the braces that went all the way around the head.

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Speaker 1: And how many of us carry the bullying the idea

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Speaker 1: of who we are with us for the rest of

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Speaker 1: our lives. And I realized as I started to get

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Speaker 1: into my twenties and my early thirties that the way

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Speaker 1: that I was showing up was absolutely dictating the results

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Speaker 1: that I was getting in life. And so when I

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Speaker 1: wasn't achieving something, when I was so fearful over something,

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Speaker 1: I wouldn't go after it. And so I said, okay, Lisa,

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Speaker 1: just ask yourself what do you actually want? And at

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Speaker 1: the time, I was a stay at home wife, right,

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Speaker 1: I was supporting Tom, I was cooking for him, I

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Speaker 1: was cleaning for him, and I wasn't happy. And at

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Speaker 1: the time, I was like, I just want to have

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Speaker 1: the courage to tell my husband I'm not happy because

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Speaker 1: it's not his fault.

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Speaker 2: I didn't tell him. So how do we build our

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Speaker 2: courage in order to say the hard thing?

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Speaker 4: Right?

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Speaker 1: So when you say, Okay, this is what I'm struggling in,

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Speaker 1: this is the goal. I just need confidence. At the time,

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Speaker 1: I just used the word confidence. I just need confident

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Speaker 1: to be able to tell him how the hell am

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Speaker 1: I going to do it? And so I start to

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Speaker 1: just read books about tactics and techniques, and what I

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Speaker 1: realized is how you show up will actually absolutely make

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Speaker 1: a difference to how you feel. So if you show

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Speaker 1: up in your pajamas, you're gonna probably show up soft

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Speaker 1: and sweet and puttly right. But if you in fact,

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Speaker 1: i've seen your your dress sense, hold me your freaking bocanet.

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Speaker 2: I'm so impressed.

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Speaker 4: Yeah, I've definitely been trying.

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Speaker 2: You really have.

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Speaker 1: Now when you put on those beautiful, stunning dresses, what

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Speaker 1: does that do to your brain?

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Speaker 4: So different?

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Speaker 3: Like I remember, and I was going to ask you this,

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Speaker 3: when you were in that period of your life, were

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Speaker 3: you dressing to hide or were you dressing to be seen?

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Speaker 2: Oh?

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Speaker 1: Great question. I used to dress to hide. I then

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Speaker 1: started to dress so that I could start to see

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Speaker 1: myself because I didn't think of myself as a pretty person.

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Speaker 1: I didn't think of myself as valuable. I didn't think

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Speaker 1: of myself as worthy. I didn't think you know, basically

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Speaker 1: fill in the blank. Yeah, And so I started to go, Okay,

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Speaker 1: the way that you think about yourself isn't serving what

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Speaker 1: you want in life. So with compassion and grace, how

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Speaker 1: do I start to actively change the belief I have

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Speaker 1: about myself? And so I just was like, Okay, you're

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Speaker 1: going to try one hundred things and probably ninety nine

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Speaker 1: percent of them aren't going to work. So I had

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Speaker 1: to give myself the space to fail in a bunch

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Speaker 1: of things so that I wouldn't quit. And then I

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Speaker 1: just started to realize, Okay, well when I dress, if

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Speaker 1: I wear pajamas, I actually feel really soft. I don't

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Speaker 1: feel powerful. When I put on my knee high boots,

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Speaker 1: I kind of feel like a bad ass. So that

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Speaker 1: became the catalyst to the idea of dressing. Then I

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Speaker 1: just understood habits. Habits take thirty sixty ninety days to adopt,

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00:19:45,560 --> 00:19:47,600
Speaker 1: So I'm not going to wake up tomorrow and think

441
00:19:47,640 --> 00:19:49,520
Speaker 1: all of a sudden, I'm a bad ass. It's going

442
00:19:49,600 --> 00:19:52,159
Speaker 1: to take time. So go all right, Lisa, I have

443
00:19:52,200 --> 00:19:54,959
Speaker 1: to build the habit. How do I build the habit?

444
00:19:55,200 --> 00:19:57,679
Speaker 1: So I keep almost I call it first principles. I

445
00:19:57,880 --> 00:20:01,200
Speaker 1: just keep going back to first print supports. So first

446
00:20:01,240 --> 00:20:04,280
Speaker 1: principle is if I know a habit takes time, If

447
00:20:04,320 --> 00:20:06,640
Speaker 1: I know that I need to use I can use clothes.

448
00:20:06,760 --> 00:20:09,080
Speaker 1: If I know that mirroring, right, you look yourself in

449
00:20:09,119 --> 00:20:12,399
Speaker 1: the mirror. If you look at yourself and insult yourself, yeah,

450
00:20:12,840 --> 00:20:13,400
Speaker 1: what happens?

451
00:20:13,400 --> 00:20:14,000
Speaker 2: You feel worse?

452
00:20:15,000 --> 00:20:18,240
Speaker 1: So I thought, okay, I'm naturally look in a mirror

453
00:20:18,240 --> 00:20:21,080
Speaker 1: and insult myself all the time. What happens if I

454
00:20:21,240 --> 00:20:24,040
Speaker 1: looked in the mirror and gave myself a compliment? What

455
00:20:24,160 --> 00:20:27,080
Speaker 1: if that's the habit I build? Okay, now I've broken

456
00:20:27,119 --> 00:20:29,960
Speaker 1: it down. And the final piece of first principle is

457
00:20:30,040 --> 00:20:35,160
Speaker 1: what's the activation? What's going to activate switching me from

458
00:20:35,160 --> 00:20:38,760
Speaker 1: negative to positive? So what's the activation that's going to

459
00:20:38,800 --> 00:20:40,600
Speaker 1: take me from negative to positive?

460
00:20:40,800 --> 00:20:44,360
Speaker 3: That as activation because usually your default would be most

461
00:20:44,400 --> 00:20:47,159
Speaker 3: of our default is that negative. And so it's activating

462
00:20:47,240 --> 00:20:51,600
Speaker 3: like reactivating yourself, restimulating yourself to realize not to be

463
00:20:51,720 --> 00:20:58,480
Speaker 3: on your default every day. What's that word for it, autopilot? Yeah, autopilot.

464
00:20:58,520 --> 00:21:00,960
Speaker 3: You're reactivating your exactly.

465
00:21:01,359 --> 00:21:05,399
Speaker 1: So I'm so used to going on autopilot and insulting myself.

466
00:21:05,520 --> 00:21:07,679
Speaker 2: I had over twenty years of it, So why am

467
00:21:07,720 --> 00:21:08,480
Speaker 2: I going to think.

468
00:21:08,320 --> 00:21:10,520
Speaker 1: That I'm automatically going to change just because I've read

469
00:21:10,520 --> 00:21:13,480
Speaker 1: the book a podcast. I just know that I know

470
00:21:13,560 --> 00:21:16,760
Speaker 1: now I want to change, but I now need to

471
00:21:16,920 --> 00:21:20,439
Speaker 1: actively show up to change it. So I go, Okay,

472
00:21:20,680 --> 00:21:22,840
Speaker 1: I know I need a habit. I know that mirroring's

473
00:21:22,960 --> 00:21:25,720
Speaker 1: very real, and I know clothes work. How do I

474
00:21:25,880 --> 00:21:28,600
Speaker 1: now use all of this to have a tactic? And

475
00:21:28,640 --> 00:21:30,560
Speaker 1: that's where I was like, let me go online and

476
00:21:30,560 --> 00:21:32,560
Speaker 1: see if there's just like a Wonder Woman logo?

477
00:21:32,640 --> 00:21:33,800
Speaker 2: What's something like that?

478
00:21:34,280 --> 00:21:37,879
Speaker 1: And I found this Wonder Woman necklace and I was like,

479
00:21:37,920 --> 00:21:41,840
Speaker 1: all right, what if? And it sounds silly, but it worked.

480
00:21:42,040 --> 00:21:42,880
Speaker 2: What if I put it.

481
00:21:42,840 --> 00:21:45,240
Speaker 1: On and I look in the mirror and every day

482
00:21:45,359 --> 00:21:47,840
Speaker 1: until it becomes habit, I tell myself that I'm a

483
00:21:47,880 --> 00:21:52,120
Speaker 1: badass like Wonder Woman. And I just kept repeating it

484
00:21:52,400 --> 00:21:55,000
Speaker 1: day after day after day, and you.

485
00:21:55,040 --> 00:21:57,040
Speaker 2: Do it for ninety days you do it for one

486
00:21:57,080 --> 00:22:00,040
Speaker 2: hundred days, like you eventually start to go I'm a freaking.

487
00:21:59,800 --> 00:22:03,040
Speaker 1: Bad like one, Yeah, I really am, you know, and

488
00:22:03,320 --> 00:22:07,159
Speaker 1: then that belief then makes you show up differently. Showing

489
00:22:07,240 --> 00:22:09,679
Speaker 1: up differently makes other people see you differently. Are the

490
00:22:09,720 --> 00:22:12,640
Speaker 1: people seeing you differently? Then reflects back to oh huh.

491
00:22:13,000 --> 00:22:13,440
Speaker 2: Interesting.

492
00:22:13,480 --> 00:22:15,320
Speaker 1: People used to think I was a total talk and

493
00:22:15,560 --> 00:22:17,080
Speaker 1: like an idiot, and now people.

494
00:22:16,880 --> 00:22:19,639
Speaker 2: Are saying, you're really confident. Yes, And then that starts

495
00:22:19,640 --> 00:22:22,000
Speaker 2: to then rewire your entire brain.

496
00:22:21,920 --> 00:22:23,160
Speaker 4: And reaffirm what you're doing.

497
00:22:23,280 --> 00:22:27,280
Speaker 1: Yeah, exactly, And now someone else reaffirming what you're doing

498
00:22:27,320 --> 00:22:30,600
Speaker 1: then reaffirms it in and of itself, and now you

499
00:22:30,800 --> 00:22:33,080
Speaker 1: inevitably become confident.

500
00:22:33,160 --> 00:22:35,960
Speaker 3: Oh my gosh, you really described that process so well,

501
00:22:36,080 --> 00:22:37,480
Speaker 3: so thank you for doing And I think the only

502
00:22:37,520 --> 00:22:39,720
Speaker 3: way you could really describe it is by being someone

503
00:22:39,760 --> 00:22:42,439
Speaker 3: who's gone through it and has actually lived it. I

504
00:22:42,440 --> 00:22:44,080
Speaker 3: had this visual when we were talking, when you were

505
00:22:44,119 --> 00:22:46,840
Speaker 3: talking about you back in the day, thinking how you

506
00:22:46,840 --> 00:22:48,919
Speaker 3: can be abaud us. I was thinking, one, that has

507
00:22:48,960 --> 00:22:52,080
Speaker 3: to be the name of an expert us and two

508
00:22:52,200 --> 00:22:54,280
Speaker 3: it was like a comic book in my mind where

509
00:22:54,320 --> 00:22:57,399
Speaker 3: by the way, Lisa is an incredible artist, what like

510
00:22:57,680 --> 00:23:00,560
Speaker 3: I can't even describe how incredible her are is.

511
00:23:00,760 --> 00:23:03,040
Speaker 4: But I had this vision of you, like writing in your.

512
00:23:02,920 --> 00:23:07,800
Speaker 3: Scrap book how to be a bad Our Step one, And.

513
00:23:07,680 --> 00:23:10,520
Speaker 1: That's literally why I wrote the book Radical Confidence, because

514
00:23:10,600 --> 00:23:14,040
Speaker 1: your confidence won't happen by accident. It has to be

515
00:23:14,160 --> 00:23:20,359
Speaker 1: a deliberate, conscious effort every single day. And the thing is,

516
00:23:20,520 --> 00:23:23,159
Speaker 1: I don't bs myself and I call myself on the

517
00:23:23,160 --> 00:23:26,840
Speaker 1: reality of things, and between those two it's allowed me

518
00:23:26,880 --> 00:23:29,560
Speaker 1: to say, does this technique works? And look, this technique

519
00:23:29,560 --> 00:23:31,840
Speaker 1: even though I'm relaying to you, I tried a hundred

520
00:23:31,840 --> 00:23:35,120
Speaker 1: different ones before that that completely failed, but I never

521
00:23:35,200 --> 00:23:38,080
Speaker 1: gave up because I had the eye on that goal

522
00:23:38,680 --> 00:23:41,200
Speaker 1: and then I retroactively work backwards.

523
00:23:41,440 --> 00:23:44,000
Speaker 3: Yeah, I feel like you know, even when you were

524
00:23:44,800 --> 00:23:47,280
Speaker 3: talking about changing the way that you were dressing as

525
00:23:47,320 --> 00:23:49,760
Speaker 3: we just were, I was thinking for so many whenever

526
00:23:49,800 --> 00:23:52,560
Speaker 3: I walk into a room and me and Jay really

527
00:23:52,560 --> 00:23:54,520
Speaker 3: different on this, and I still am working to like

528
00:23:54,640 --> 00:23:57,640
Speaker 3: change my mindset around it. But I'll be like, I

529
00:23:57,680 --> 00:23:59,400
Speaker 3: don't want to be overdressed, and just like, why don't

530
00:23:59,400 --> 00:24:00,760
Speaker 3: you want to be over something? I do not want

531
00:24:00,800 --> 00:24:03,280
Speaker 3: to be overdressed. I'd rather be underdressed and overdressed. That's

532
00:24:03,280 --> 00:24:06,080
Speaker 3: always been my mindset. I would rather be underdressed and

533
00:24:06,119 --> 00:24:08,000
Speaker 3: overdress because I don't want to show up looking like

534
00:24:08,080 --> 00:24:11,359
Speaker 3: I've tried too hard or like I have put in

535
00:24:11,440 --> 00:24:13,560
Speaker 3: so much effort and then I'm like showing up more

536
00:24:13,600 --> 00:24:17,320
Speaker 3: than everybody else. And so my mindset has forever been

537
00:24:17,640 --> 00:24:19,760
Speaker 3: don't ever don't be too overdressed. It's better to be

538
00:24:19,880 --> 00:24:23,000
Speaker 3: underdressed and overdress. His is it's better to be overdressed

539
00:24:23,000 --> 00:24:25,120
Speaker 3: and underdressed, so I look like I'm prepared and I'm

540
00:24:25,160 --> 00:24:28,040
Speaker 3: ready and I've come like having thought about it. And

541
00:24:28,080 --> 00:24:29,640
Speaker 3: I was really thinking about that while you were talking,

542
00:24:29,640 --> 00:24:31,080
Speaker 3: because I was saying, why do I feel like that?

543
00:24:31,160 --> 00:24:33,600
Speaker 3: Like why do I always want prefer that? And I

544
00:24:33,640 --> 00:24:36,760
Speaker 3: realized it's probably that feeling of if you're underdressed, people

545
00:24:36,800 --> 00:24:40,400
Speaker 3: won't pay as much attention like you being underdressed, there's

546
00:24:40,400 --> 00:24:42,320
Speaker 3: always gonna be more people overdressed, which means people are

547
00:24:42,320 --> 00:24:44,560
Speaker 3: going to be looking at them more. So if you're underdressed,

548
00:24:44,680 --> 00:24:46,920
Speaker 3: you kind of just blend in and you don't stick out.

549
00:24:47,280 --> 00:24:48,439
Speaker 4: And I was thinking about it with you.

550
00:24:48,520 --> 00:24:50,679
Speaker 3: It's like you really had to change the way that

551
00:24:50,760 --> 00:24:53,119
Speaker 3: you carried yourself and what you were wearing, so that

552
00:24:53,480 --> 00:24:55,280
Speaker 3: even if you weren't ready to stick out, you can

553
00:24:55,359 --> 00:24:56,200
Speaker 3: help us stick out.

554
00:24:56,280 --> 00:24:58,000
Speaker 1: Oh can we talk about this for a second, because

555
00:24:58,000 --> 00:25:02,640
Speaker 1: this is fascinating. We both have insecurities, and yeah, our

556
00:25:02,680 --> 00:25:06,639
Speaker 1: tactics are very different because I'm like Jay out of insecurity.

557
00:25:07,240 --> 00:25:10,600
Speaker 1: I want to be like, Okay, just in case, even

558
00:25:10,680 --> 00:25:13,040
Speaker 1: if I'm gonna wear the heels and the thing and

559
00:25:13,080 --> 00:25:16,440
Speaker 1: the thing, because I don't want people to think, oh God,

560
00:25:16,600 --> 00:25:19,879
Speaker 1: look at the state of Lisa. And so yours is

561
00:25:19,880 --> 00:25:22,880
Speaker 1: to not get the attention, and mind's to not get

562
00:25:22,920 --> 00:25:23,879
Speaker 1: the negative attention.

563
00:25:25,119 --> 00:25:27,480
Speaker 3: So we've got the same mindset going in, but our

564
00:25:27,520 --> 00:25:30,040
Speaker 3: tactics are different. And so I'd rather like, if I

565
00:25:30,040 --> 00:25:31,880
Speaker 3: don't feel good about myself, I'll be like, no, I'll

566
00:25:31,920 --> 00:25:34,560
Speaker 3: just wear like the baggy shirt and the bags and

567
00:25:34,600 --> 00:25:36,040
Speaker 3: things I feel the most comfortable in.

568
00:25:36,560 --> 00:25:37,800
Speaker 4: And yours is let me.

569
00:25:37,760 --> 00:25:39,160
Speaker 3: Show up in the things that I maybe don't feel

570
00:25:39,160 --> 00:25:42,439
Speaker 3: comfortable in, but that make me show up as the

571
00:25:42,440 --> 00:25:43,480
Speaker 3: person that I wanted to be.

572
00:25:43,720 --> 00:25:45,320
Speaker 4: Yeah, yeah, I'm gonna try your technique.

573
00:25:45,320 --> 00:25:47,920
Speaker 2: I'll try yours. We'll report back.

574
00:25:48,080 --> 00:25:49,800
Speaker 4: Yeah, and so what we're gonna.

575
00:25:49,560 --> 00:25:51,120
Speaker 1: Go ahead I'm not just gonna say, but isn't that

576
00:25:51,240 --> 00:25:55,040
Speaker 1: interesting even for anyone, especially women listening right now, of

577
00:25:55,119 --> 00:25:57,840
Speaker 1: how we'll look at our friends, or we look at

578
00:25:57,920 --> 00:26:00,719
Speaker 1: people around us, and we have a whole story in

579
00:26:00,760 --> 00:26:04,920
Speaker 1: our head about how that person feels because I've seen you,

580
00:26:05,000 --> 00:26:06,919
Speaker 1: We've been too many things together, and I've seen you

581
00:26:06,960 --> 00:26:09,720
Speaker 1: really casual, and you know what I tell myself, Wow,

582
00:26:09,800 --> 00:26:12,439
Speaker 1: I wish I was that confident to be able to

583
00:26:12,520 --> 00:26:15,639
Speaker 1: just roll up in a big baggy sweater and not

584
00:26:15,680 --> 00:26:16,200
Speaker 1: give a shit.

585
00:26:16,400 --> 00:26:18,960
Speaker 3: Yeah, So when my friends are like, gosh, I can't

586
00:26:18,960 --> 00:26:20,639
Speaker 3: believe you showed up with like hardly any makeup on,

587
00:26:20,760 --> 00:26:22,359
Speaker 3: or you don't get and I'm like, yeah, that's because

588
00:26:22,359 --> 00:26:25,000
Speaker 3: I don't want to show up like I've shown up.

589
00:26:25,320 --> 00:26:28,240
Speaker 3: And it's but I also now you saying that I've

590
00:26:28,320 --> 00:26:29,240
Speaker 3: changed the way that I'm.

591
00:26:29,119 --> 00:26:30,080
Speaker 4: Like dressing and stuff.

592
00:26:30,200 --> 00:26:32,840
Speaker 3: I realize how much it makes me feel good about

593
00:26:32,880 --> 00:26:35,280
Speaker 3: myself when I'm putting an effort to myself, Like when

594
00:26:35,280 --> 00:26:37,959
Speaker 3: I'm putting an effort on myself, when I'm thinking about

595
00:26:38,280 --> 00:26:40,640
Speaker 3: what I can dress myself in and and the way

596
00:26:40,640 --> 00:26:42,840
Speaker 3: that I can change the way that I'm looking in

597
00:26:42,960 --> 00:26:45,400
Speaker 3: certain you know, when I'm going out when I'm going

598
00:26:45,400 --> 00:26:48,160
Speaker 3: to parties, whatever it is, it actually is showing more

599
00:26:48,160 --> 00:26:50,919
Speaker 3: care and attention to myself and so it's actually so

600
00:26:51,040 --> 00:26:53,840
Speaker 3: much less about what other people are thinking or seeing

601
00:26:53,880 --> 00:26:56,679
Speaker 3: you as. But it's like, Oh, I'm finally decided that

602
00:26:56,800 --> 00:26:58,920
Speaker 3: I want to pay more attention to myself and that

603
00:26:59,040 --> 00:27:02,880
Speaker 3: I want to be particular and attention to detail about

604
00:27:02,880 --> 00:27:05,200
Speaker 3: the way that I'm looking after myself. And so I've

605
00:27:05,359 --> 00:27:07,520
Speaker 3: now recognize it as a reflection of myself. I'm like,

606
00:27:07,640 --> 00:27:10,880
Speaker 3: why am I gonna Why is my sweat drawer and

607
00:27:11,000 --> 00:27:15,080
Speaker 3: my sweat area in my cupboard the largest area in

608
00:27:15,119 --> 00:27:18,120
Speaker 3: my thing and hasn't changed since the pandemic, Like something

609
00:27:18,560 --> 00:27:19,560
Speaker 3: has to change.

610
00:27:19,840 --> 00:27:21,560
Speaker 4: And my.

611
00:27:23,560 --> 00:27:27,120
Speaker 3: Assistant Lise bet I told her that at the beginning

612
00:27:27,160 --> 00:27:29,200
Speaker 3: of the hours, I really want to like up level

613
00:27:29,240 --> 00:27:31,320
Speaker 3: the way that I'm dressing, like it's not making me happy.

614
00:27:31,520 --> 00:27:33,840
Speaker 3: And so every time I get into sweats and I

615
00:27:33,880 --> 00:27:37,160
Speaker 3: decide to film a video, she's like, I'm just reminding you.

616
00:27:37,160 --> 00:27:39,960
Speaker 3: You told me that you wanted to level up, and

617
00:27:40,000 --> 00:27:41,159
Speaker 3: I'm just letting you know.

618
00:27:41,240 --> 00:27:44,040
Speaker 4: You're in sweats and I'm okay, fine, I'll go and change.

619
00:27:44,080 --> 00:27:46,800
Speaker 3: But it really does take a change of pattern because

620
00:27:46,840 --> 00:27:49,320
Speaker 3: you get into comfort zone doesn't necessarily and I talk

621
00:27:49,320 --> 00:27:51,680
Speaker 3: about this a lot lately because I've noticed it in myself.

622
00:27:52,040 --> 00:27:54,160
Speaker 3: Being in your comfort zone doesn't necessarily mean you're happy.

623
00:27:54,200 --> 00:27:56,520
Speaker 3: And we know that right, Like comfort zone is sometimes

624
00:27:56,560 --> 00:27:58,879
Speaker 3: a very dangerous place to be in and it can

625
00:27:58,960 --> 00:28:02,199
Speaker 3: actually keep you stagnant, unhappy, but it feels comfortable, and

626
00:28:02,280 --> 00:28:05,680
Speaker 3: so yeah, I've started buying new things, trying out new hairstyles,

627
00:28:05,680 --> 00:28:07,720
Speaker 3: trying out new different ways of dressing, and I'm like, oh,

628
00:28:07,760 --> 00:28:08,760
Speaker 3: I actually really like it.

629
00:28:08,800 --> 00:28:10,280
Speaker 4: And it does make you feel so different.

630
00:28:10,600 --> 00:28:14,160
Speaker 1: And now you're telling yourself right that you're worthy enough

631
00:28:14,640 --> 00:28:18,560
Speaker 1: to put yourself first and.

632
00:28:17,560 --> 00:28:20,600
Speaker 3: That in an effort is a good thing. It's not h oh,

633
00:28:20,640 --> 00:28:23,399
Speaker 3: you're being too much or you're showing up. It's a

634
00:28:23,440 --> 00:28:25,400
Speaker 3: weird it's a weird mindset to have, but yeah, that's

635
00:28:25,400 --> 00:28:26,760
Speaker 3: what it was. Like, I don't want to seem like

636
00:28:26,800 --> 00:28:27,920
Speaker 3: I've put in too much effort.

637
00:28:28,720 --> 00:28:32,879
Speaker 1: Now, think about what even just equating that with clothing,

638
00:28:33,000 --> 00:28:34,919
Speaker 1: and like, we don't want to be perceived in a

639
00:28:34,960 --> 00:28:38,320
Speaker 1: certain way, but if we don't really kind of take

640
00:28:38,360 --> 00:28:40,840
Speaker 1: care of ourselves, that we're telling our bodies and ourselves

641
00:28:40,840 --> 00:28:42,120
Speaker 1: that we're not priority.

642
00:28:42,320 --> 00:28:44,120
Speaker 2: Now, imagine what people pleasing is doing.

643
00:28:44,360 --> 00:28:47,040
Speaker 1: Yeah, well, you're always trying to please other people and

644
00:28:47,080 --> 00:28:49,120
Speaker 1: you put yourself last. It's like, well, no, wonder we're

645
00:28:49,120 --> 00:28:51,840
Speaker 1: having all these health issues because we've just been taught

646
00:28:51,840 --> 00:28:53,040
Speaker 1: that you've got to keep showing up.

647
00:28:53,040 --> 00:28:53,880
Speaker 2: And it's selfish.

648
00:28:54,240 --> 00:28:57,360
Speaker 1: If you cook yourself food and don't cook your partner

649
00:28:57,360 --> 00:28:59,000
Speaker 1: food or something like that, you know.

650
00:28:59,080 --> 00:29:01,440
Speaker 3: It tells you what you were to eat versus what

651
00:29:01,440 --> 00:29:03,520
Speaker 3: what's good for your health versus what they want to have.

652
00:29:04,400 --> 00:29:07,280
Speaker 3: On that note, we've had this conversation before, and I

653
00:29:07,280 --> 00:29:10,640
Speaker 3: think sometimes, especially for women, there's this really blared line

654
00:29:10,720 --> 00:29:17,080
Speaker 3: between confidence and arrogance and ego and how do you

655
00:29:17,160 --> 00:29:20,800
Speaker 3: differentiate that not in other people, but in yourself when

656
00:29:20,800 --> 00:29:23,680
Speaker 3: you are checking yourself, Because sometimes ego does take over

657
00:29:24,000 --> 00:29:26,680
Speaker 3: and sometimes we can get a little bit arrogant in

658
00:29:26,760 --> 00:29:31,120
Speaker 3: maybe our skills, our appearance, our whatever everybody tells us

659
00:29:31,160 --> 00:29:34,120
Speaker 3: we are good at. Sometimes arrogance can creep in. How

660
00:29:34,160 --> 00:29:37,880
Speaker 3: do you create that difference and how do you ensure

661
00:29:37,880 --> 00:29:40,480
Speaker 3: that it is your confidence and it's not your ego.

662
00:29:40,760 --> 00:29:42,880
Speaker 1: Yeah, it's a great question, and I think for me,

663
00:29:43,320 --> 00:29:46,360
Speaker 1: arrogance and confidence is really when you're willing to show up,

664
00:29:46,440 --> 00:29:49,800
Speaker 1: or you can show up and feel good about yourself.

665
00:29:50,040 --> 00:29:53,040
Speaker 1: Arrogance is that you're trying to make other people smaller

666
00:29:53,080 --> 00:29:54,600
Speaker 1: in order to feel good about yourself.

667
00:29:54,640 --> 00:29:55,480
Speaker 4: Great differentiation.

668
00:29:55,640 --> 00:29:59,040
Speaker 1: Yeah, so when you're trying to put other people down

669
00:29:59,040 --> 00:30:01,400
Speaker 1: so that you feel great, that's freaking arrogance, right, Like

670
00:30:01,520 --> 00:30:04,080
Speaker 1: I know more than you do things like that.

671
00:30:04,240 --> 00:30:05,280
Speaker 2: But now with ego.

672
00:30:05,480 --> 00:30:08,160
Speaker 1: So for me, the funny thing is my ego and

673
00:30:08,200 --> 00:30:10,520
Speaker 1: confidence are actually completely polar opposites.

674
00:30:11,200 --> 00:30:13,200
Speaker 2: And so take band on that.

675
00:30:13,280 --> 00:30:16,560
Speaker 1: Okay, So take my show Women of impat Right, I'm

676
00:30:16,600 --> 00:30:18,400
Speaker 1: about to go on camera, and I'm like, I don't

677
00:30:18,400 --> 00:30:20,560
Speaker 1: want to get on camera, Like I'm bullied, I was

678
00:30:20,640 --> 00:30:23,360
Speaker 1: teased for my looks. Why would I ever go on camera?

679
00:30:23,960 --> 00:30:25,800
Speaker 1: And so I was like, I wanted to do a podcast.

680
00:30:25,840 --> 00:30:27,760
Speaker 1: I really wanted to help women. That was like my

681
00:30:27,800 --> 00:30:30,960
Speaker 1: mission statement. So I said to my husband Tom, I

682
00:30:31,000 --> 00:30:32,520
Speaker 1: was like, Babe, I'm just going to do a podcast,

683
00:30:32,560 --> 00:30:34,600
Speaker 1: but I'm just going to do it on zoom and

684
00:30:34,640 --> 00:30:36,040
Speaker 1: I'm just gonna do it with my friends. And it

685
00:30:36,080 --> 00:30:38,880
Speaker 1: was all because I was completely insecure, so I didn't

686
00:30:38,880 --> 00:30:41,080
Speaker 1: want to like stretch myself back to the comfort zone. Thing,

687
00:30:41,840 --> 00:30:44,440
Speaker 1: and so my wonderful husband. We've got a commitment to

688
00:30:44,480 --> 00:30:46,800
Speaker 1: each other. We will always repeat back to each other

689
00:30:46,880 --> 00:30:50,200
Speaker 1: what our goals and dreams are, especially moments where we're

690
00:30:50,200 --> 00:30:53,920
Speaker 1: not acting in accordance. And so Tom said to me, Baby,

691
00:30:54,000 --> 00:30:57,080
Speaker 1: I love you, and here's the hard truth. You've told

692
00:30:57,080 --> 00:30:58,320
Speaker 1: me you really want to help women.

693
00:30:58,360 --> 00:30:59,160
Speaker 2: I was like, what I do?

694
00:30:59,560 --> 00:31:01,560
Speaker 1: And he's like, okay, you've just told me that you

695
00:31:01,560 --> 00:31:03,000
Speaker 1: want to do a podcasts because you want to help women.

696
00:31:03,000 --> 00:31:04,479
Speaker 2: I was like, well I do. And he's like, but

697
00:31:04,520 --> 00:31:05,560
Speaker 2: you don't want to go on set.

698
00:31:05,600 --> 00:31:07,480
Speaker 1: We already have a set bill, We've got six cameras

699
00:31:07,480 --> 00:31:09,760
Speaker 1: because Tom already had his own show, And he's like,

700
00:31:09,800 --> 00:31:11,480
Speaker 1: if you really want to help women, that you would

701
00:31:11,520 --> 00:31:16,760
Speaker 1: do on camera. And I was like, oh, okay, well

702
00:31:16,760 --> 00:31:19,080
Speaker 1: why am I not going on camera? And I was

703
00:31:19,120 --> 00:31:22,880
Speaker 1: like it's because of my ego. M my ego wants

704
00:31:22,920 --> 00:31:25,680
Speaker 1: to protect me. And I think is that we've villainized

705
00:31:25,720 --> 00:31:29,280
Speaker 1: egos and I've actually repivoted how I see my ego.

706
00:31:29,360 --> 00:31:31,880
Speaker 1: I see my ego as my best friend. She is

707
00:31:32,000 --> 00:31:35,320
Speaker 1: there to tell me the truth. Hey, if you get

708
00:31:35,320 --> 00:31:36,880
Speaker 1: on camera, you're gonna mess up.

709
00:31:36,960 --> 00:31:38,920
Speaker 4: Yeah, if you get on camera, someone may say something

710
00:31:38,920 --> 00:31:39,280
Speaker 4: about you.

711
00:31:39,400 --> 00:31:40,600
Speaker 2: Yes, now here's the thing.

712
00:31:40,600 --> 00:31:43,120
Speaker 1: We think that is a bad thing, But the truth is,

713
00:31:43,400 --> 00:31:44,880
Speaker 1: you get on camera, someone's.

714
00:31:44,600 --> 00:31:46,080
Speaker 2: Gonna say something bad about you.

715
00:31:46,080 --> 00:31:48,000
Speaker 1: You get in front of the camera, you're probably gonna

716
00:31:48,000 --> 00:31:50,240
Speaker 1: mess up if you've never been on camera before. So

717
00:31:50,320 --> 00:31:52,800
Speaker 1: I realized she was actually instead of thinking of her

718
00:31:52,840 --> 00:31:56,400
Speaker 1: as like this critic, she's actually my coach and she's

719
00:31:56,400 --> 00:31:59,160
Speaker 1: here to help guide me. So a that was one

720
00:31:59,200 --> 00:32:02,040
Speaker 1: way eliminated the negative voice. But then I was just

721
00:32:02,120 --> 00:32:04,800
Speaker 1: very truthful in saying I actually don't have the confidence

722
00:32:04,840 --> 00:32:07,520
Speaker 1: to get on camera, and that's why my ego is

723
00:32:07,560 --> 00:32:11,320
Speaker 1: shouting at me, don't do it. Yes, but in that moment,

724
00:32:11,520 --> 00:32:13,920
Speaker 1: how do you show up? And I asked myself, Okay, well,

725
00:32:13,920 --> 00:32:16,320
Speaker 1: what's like. I want everyone right now to actually ask

726
00:32:16,360 --> 00:32:18,320
Speaker 1: themselves when they've got a goal and they don't want

727
00:32:18,360 --> 00:32:23,200
Speaker 1: to do it with compassion, ask yourself what's more important,

728
00:32:23,560 --> 00:32:29,320
Speaker 1: your mission or your ego, Because in that moment, I

729
00:32:29,360 --> 00:32:32,560
Speaker 1: didn't have the confidence to go on camera. My ego

730
00:32:32,600 --> 00:32:34,959
Speaker 1: didn't want me to go on camera. But my mission

731
00:32:35,000 --> 00:32:37,600
Speaker 1: statement is to help women. So you can see how

732
00:32:37,680 --> 00:32:40,800
Speaker 1: I was utterly in conflict, and so I just had

733
00:32:40,840 --> 00:32:42,840
Speaker 1: to be honest with myself. And the second I said

734
00:32:42,880 --> 00:32:46,120
Speaker 1: my mission is more important than my ego, I realized

735
00:32:46,120 --> 00:32:48,120
Speaker 1: I had to get in front of the camera. That's

736
00:32:48,160 --> 00:32:51,719
Speaker 1: when I reimagined that my ego, instead of being the critic,

737
00:32:52,080 --> 00:32:54,240
Speaker 1: was my coach. She was helping me get in front

738
00:32:54,240 --> 00:32:57,640
Speaker 1: of the camera. And that's how I ended up, you know,

739
00:32:57,680 --> 00:32:59,920
Speaker 1: really starting my show. But it was the fact that

740
00:33:00,240 --> 00:33:03,520
Speaker 1: I didn't have the confidence. My ego desperately didn't want

741
00:33:03,520 --> 00:33:05,400
Speaker 1: me to get on camera or you know, fill it

742
00:33:05,480 --> 00:33:08,400
Speaker 1: whatever someone wants to do. And it's just like, we

743
00:33:08,480 --> 00:33:11,160
Speaker 1: want to beat that out of ourselves. We want to

744
00:33:11,200 --> 00:33:14,120
Speaker 1: stop feeling the ego. We want to pretend it doesn't exist,

745
00:33:14,240 --> 00:33:17,280
Speaker 1: we want to villainize it. But what if it be

746
00:33:17,320 --> 00:33:21,400
Speaker 1: your freaking superpower? Yeah, and that idea has changed my life.

747
00:33:21,640 --> 00:33:21,880
Speaker 4: Yeah.

748
00:33:21,880 --> 00:33:23,840
Speaker 3: And actually, if you think about it, sometimes most of

749
00:33:23,840 --> 00:33:26,160
Speaker 3: the time when we think about insecurities, people see it

750
00:33:26,200 --> 00:33:30,160
Speaker 3: as as almost humility, like, oh, that person doesn't want

751
00:33:30,160 --> 00:33:31,480
Speaker 3: to do this and doesn't want to do that, and

752
00:33:31,480 --> 00:33:32,880
Speaker 3: that must mean that they.

753
00:33:32,880 --> 00:33:33,920
Speaker 4: Have so much humility.

754
00:33:33,960 --> 00:33:38,440
Speaker 3: But actually often people don't link ego and insecurity together,

755
00:33:38,880 --> 00:33:42,160
Speaker 3: and actually it's so much. Those two are so so

756
00:33:42,240 --> 00:33:47,840
Speaker 3: tied together because our ego creates these ideas in our head.

757
00:33:47,920 --> 00:33:49,240
Speaker 3: And as soon as you think you're going to be

758
00:33:49,280 --> 00:33:51,720
Speaker 3: put in a position where you could be ridiculed, where

759
00:33:51,720 --> 00:33:54,880
Speaker 3: you could be told that you're not as good looking

760
00:33:54,920 --> 00:33:58,080
Speaker 3: as you think you are, that you aren't as intelligent

761
00:33:58,160 --> 00:33:59,920
Speaker 3: as you thought you were, or all the things that

762
00:34:00,160 --> 00:34:02,440
Speaker 3: you may even think about yourself may come to light

763
00:34:02,800 --> 00:34:06,240
Speaker 3: with other people. That is pure ego. And so actually

764
00:34:06,280 --> 00:34:10,640
Speaker 3: showing up for you was counteracting your ego, not showing

765
00:34:10,719 --> 00:34:13,000
Speaker 3: up in a way that shows your egoact.

766
00:34:13,040 --> 00:34:15,360
Speaker 1: Fact, yeah, one thousand percent. And the word ego actually

767
00:34:15,360 --> 00:34:17,759
Speaker 1: comes from the Greek word erron, which means me.

768
00:34:18,320 --> 00:34:19,399
Speaker 4: Oh wow.

769
00:34:19,760 --> 00:34:22,680
Speaker 1: And so yeah, And I interviewed this psychologist and she

770
00:34:22,760 --> 00:34:25,920
Speaker 1: broke down that when you're a child, and let's say

771
00:34:25,960 --> 00:34:30,239
Speaker 1: your parents are either abusive or arguing alcoholics, Like listen,

772
00:34:30,400 --> 00:34:33,879
Speaker 1: just assume bad upbringing as a kid, you don't look

773
00:34:33,920 --> 00:34:37,640
Speaker 1: at your parents to go they're they're having a hormonal issue.

774
00:34:37,719 --> 00:34:40,680
Speaker 1: They're having issues. They should get divorced. Like you don't

775
00:34:40,680 --> 00:34:44,799
Speaker 1: have logic. You cannot as a child point to your

776
00:34:44,880 --> 00:34:47,480
Speaker 1: parents as the enemy because now, as a child, you

777
00:34:47,480 --> 00:34:49,080
Speaker 1: don't have a roof over your head and you don't

778
00:34:49,080 --> 00:34:52,160
Speaker 1: have food to eat. So as a self protecting mechanism,

779
00:34:52,320 --> 00:34:56,080
Speaker 1: what do children do. They turn on themselves and they

780
00:34:56,120 --> 00:34:58,080
Speaker 1: make it about them, which is why you hear so

781
00:34:58,200 --> 00:35:01,560
Speaker 1: many kids say think that the divorce, the parents getting

782
00:35:01,600 --> 00:35:05,080
Speaker 1: divorced is because of them, because it is actually safer

783
00:35:05,560 --> 00:35:08,080
Speaker 1: for you to say it's your fault than to blame

784
00:35:08,120 --> 00:35:10,520
Speaker 1: your parents, because if your parents aren't there to help you,

785
00:35:10,520 --> 00:35:16,200
Speaker 1: you die. So the ego started as a protective mechanism

786
00:35:16,520 --> 00:35:19,960
Speaker 1: for you to survive. So now that I know that,

787
00:35:20,400 --> 00:35:23,120
Speaker 1: I don't I like like I said, I just welcome

788
00:35:23,200 --> 00:35:25,759
Speaker 1: it because it is there to help us. And if

789
00:35:25,800 --> 00:35:28,400
Speaker 1: we reframe that, could you imagine the stuff that we

790
00:35:28,440 --> 00:35:28,759
Speaker 1: could do.

791
00:35:29,080 --> 00:35:33,680
Speaker 3: Actually, don't me talking about the wanting to look dressfully

792
00:35:33,719 --> 00:35:36,200
Speaker 3: simple and then seem really simple. I realize actually now

793
00:35:36,239 --> 00:35:38,960
Speaker 3: thinking about what you're saying, it actually probably does come

794
00:35:39,000 --> 00:35:40,880
Speaker 3: from so much of a place of ego, in the

795
00:35:40,960 --> 00:35:45,880
Speaker 3: sense that I think having the life, having my life

796
00:35:45,880 --> 00:35:47,960
Speaker 3: having changed so much, like my life has changed so

797
00:35:48,040 --> 00:35:49,759
Speaker 3: much since I lived in Watford, since I was in

798
00:35:49,800 --> 00:35:52,000
Speaker 3: the UK, since I lived in my parents' house, and

799
00:35:52,080 --> 00:35:55,279
Speaker 3: so I think I was very used to and at

800
00:35:55,280 --> 00:35:57,480
Speaker 3: that time in life I was a lot simpler. I

801
00:35:57,480 --> 00:35:59,759
Speaker 3: didn't really want to. I hadn't come into contact with

802
00:35:59,760 --> 00:36:02,080
Speaker 3: people we're wearing like that as much makeup or like

803
00:36:02,200 --> 00:36:05,200
Speaker 3: dressing in certain ways. And as I've adapted, as I've

804
00:36:05,200 --> 00:36:08,440
Speaker 3: been exposed to more things, as we all do, the

805
00:36:08,600 --> 00:36:12,640
Speaker 3: idea of dressing up or like, you know, dressing in

806
00:36:12,680 --> 00:36:14,319
Speaker 3: a certain way, it makes me think people are going

807
00:36:14,360 --> 00:36:16,800
Speaker 3: to think, oh, maybe she's not as simple anymore, or

808
00:36:16,840 --> 00:36:20,279
Speaker 3: maybe she doesn't like she's you know, the idea of

809
00:36:20,320 --> 00:36:23,239
Speaker 3: people thinking when you change your lifestyle, you change with it,

810
00:36:23,400 --> 00:36:25,640
Speaker 3: but of course you change with it. But I think,

811
00:36:25,719 --> 00:36:28,279
Speaker 3: and now, after reflecting, I'm like, oh, it's probably because

812
00:36:28,320 --> 00:36:30,839
Speaker 3: I don't want people to think I've changed, because now

813
00:36:30,880 --> 00:36:33,120
Speaker 3: I live in la and I do all these things

814
00:36:33,200 --> 00:36:35,880
Speaker 3: and I and so I'm like, oh, wow, it actually

815
00:36:36,120 --> 00:36:39,520
Speaker 3: is link The insecurity is somewhat linked to ego. And

816
00:36:39,560 --> 00:36:42,000
Speaker 3: I've been masking it as being like a, oh, it's

817
00:36:42,040 --> 00:36:44,000
Speaker 3: because I don't want to be seen, but actually it's

818
00:36:44,000 --> 00:36:46,160
Speaker 3: because I don't want to be seen in a specific way.

819
00:36:47,560 --> 00:36:50,640
Speaker 2: Yeah, So how are you navigating that now?

820
00:36:50,640 --> 00:36:52,440
Speaker 1: Because it's interesting that you said, like, it's not that

821
00:36:52,480 --> 00:36:54,839
Speaker 1: I want to change, but you do want to change.

822
00:36:54,840 --> 00:36:55,760
Speaker 4: No, I do want to change.

823
00:36:55,840 --> 00:36:58,200
Speaker 3: Yeah, And what it actually is now the way that

824
00:36:58,239 --> 00:37:00,920
Speaker 3: I'm dealing with is that I have to be honest

825
00:37:00,960 --> 00:37:02,840
Speaker 3: with the way that I actually do want to dress

826
00:37:02,880 --> 00:37:04,960
Speaker 3: and show up and look. And actually showing up in

827
00:37:05,000 --> 00:37:07,279
Speaker 3: the sweats wasn't making me happy, or showing up in

828
00:37:07,360 --> 00:37:10,120
Speaker 3: like my my outfits that I actually felt were very

829
00:37:10,160 --> 00:37:12,000
Speaker 3: simple or the person that I was three years ago

830
00:37:12,080 --> 00:37:15,000
Speaker 3: or five years ago or even yesterday one making me happy.

831
00:37:15,000 --> 00:37:17,360
Speaker 3: And so it's either showing up in a way not

832
00:37:17,520 --> 00:37:22,000
Speaker 3: to be seen but being unhappy as me or being okay,

833
00:37:22,400 --> 00:37:24,520
Speaker 3: like we said, whether you're on camera, whether it's people

834
00:37:24,520 --> 00:37:27,200
Speaker 3: from your past or whether it's whatever, saying that you've

835
00:37:27,320 --> 00:37:29,239
Speaker 3: changed and seeing it as like, yeah, I haven't. It's

836
00:37:29,280 --> 00:37:31,319
Speaker 3: a positive thing because I want to be this, this

837
00:37:31,440 --> 00:37:34,399
Speaker 3: is who I am now. And so I think it's

838
00:37:34,440 --> 00:37:37,120
Speaker 3: one accepting who you are now, which is what I

839
00:37:37,160 --> 00:37:41,200
Speaker 3: have to do, and two being okay with people misunderstanding

840
00:37:41,200 --> 00:37:43,480
Speaker 3: you and being okay with if they're not ready for FU

841
00:37:43,520 --> 00:37:45,360
Speaker 3: to change doesn't mean you shouldn't change.

842
00:37:45,440 --> 00:37:47,319
Speaker 1: How are you okay that with that? Because I know

843
00:37:47,400 --> 00:37:49,439
Speaker 1: that you're such a people pleasing.

844
00:37:52,000 --> 00:37:54,080
Speaker 3: How am I okay with that because I don't want

845
00:37:54,120 --> 00:37:57,120
Speaker 3: to live my life not feeling happy in myself every

846
00:37:57,120 --> 00:37:59,719
Speaker 3: single day. And I've come to terms with the fact

847
00:37:59,760 --> 00:38:03,080
Speaker 3: that you're just constantly misunderstood because people don't know your

848
00:38:03,080 --> 00:38:05,040
Speaker 3: heart and how can they? And I'm like, it's not

849
00:38:05,080 --> 00:38:09,120
Speaker 3: actually their fault, because you only how you bet sometimes

850
00:38:09,160 --> 00:38:11,719
Speaker 3: don't even know the heart of the people you're closest

851
00:38:11,760 --> 00:38:14,279
Speaker 3: to if they don't open up to it. So how

852
00:38:14,360 --> 00:38:17,960
Speaker 3: can I expect strangers to know my like the inside

853
00:38:17,960 --> 00:38:18,479
Speaker 3: of my heart?

854
00:38:18,520 --> 00:38:19,120
Speaker 4: How can people?

855
00:38:19,280 --> 00:38:21,080
Speaker 3: How can I expect other people to know my deep

856
00:38:21,120 --> 00:38:24,279
Speaker 3: intentions with why I'm doing something? I can't expect them

857
00:38:24,280 --> 00:38:27,879
Speaker 3: to unless I'm sitting there explaining to them every single day.

858
00:38:27,960 --> 00:38:31,200
Speaker 3: And so it's not about whether you're on camera or

859
00:38:31,239 --> 00:38:34,360
Speaker 3: off camera. It's like people will never know your truest,

860
00:38:34,360 --> 00:38:37,160
Speaker 3: deep intentions. You can either spend your life explaining it

861
00:38:37,200 --> 00:38:39,239
Speaker 3: to them or trying to and even then they won't

862
00:38:39,320 --> 00:38:42,920
Speaker 3: understand it. Or you try and refine your intentions, try

863
00:38:42,960 --> 00:38:45,719
Speaker 3: and purify them, try and keep them as good as possible,

864
00:38:46,160 --> 00:38:49,520
Speaker 3: and then how you show up is at least authentic,

865
00:38:49,560 --> 00:38:52,560
Speaker 3: and how people receive you is then not your problem.

866
00:38:52,600 --> 00:38:55,280
Speaker 3: And so I think I've constantly been putting that through

867
00:38:55,280 --> 00:38:57,120
Speaker 3: my mind because it's like, I can either show up

868
00:38:57,120 --> 00:38:59,560
Speaker 3: how I think other people want to see me, and

869
00:38:59,600 --> 00:39:03,200
Speaker 3: I'll be upset and they'll still probably be disappointed because

870
00:39:03,280 --> 00:39:05,640
Speaker 3: I will never make them happy. Or I can start

871
00:39:05,719 --> 00:39:07,840
Speaker 3: just being honest with myself, which means I can be

872
00:39:07,840 --> 00:39:09,600
Speaker 3: a little bit more authentic in the way that I

873
00:39:09,640 --> 00:39:12,120
Speaker 3: am to myself and show up to other people, because

874
00:39:12,160 --> 00:39:14,200
Speaker 3: you can always feel when people's energy doesn't match their

875
00:39:14,239 --> 00:39:17,160
Speaker 3: intention or the way that they show up doesn't actually

876
00:39:17,200 --> 00:39:19,440
Speaker 3: match who they are, and so I can either be

877
00:39:19,560 --> 00:39:22,240
Speaker 3: that person where things just quite onn't aligning for myself

878
00:39:22,360 --> 00:39:24,600
Speaker 3: or those other people, or I can just be like,

879
00:39:24,600 --> 00:39:25,840
Speaker 3: you know what, this is who I am. It's a

880
00:39:25,840 --> 00:39:28,680
Speaker 3: bit rough, it's a bit un I don't know what's happening,

881
00:39:29,320 --> 00:39:31,200
Speaker 3: but at least I'm being honest about it, and I'm

882
00:39:31,239 --> 00:39:34,920
Speaker 3: shifting and changing as things are changing and shifting within me.

883
00:39:35,600 --> 00:39:37,799
Speaker 1: I love that, and it made me realize and think

884
00:39:37,840 --> 00:39:39,479
Speaker 1: about something I don't think I've told you this. Last

885
00:39:39,480 --> 00:39:43,600
Speaker 1: time we hung out, you broke down integrity to me. Yeah,

886
00:39:43,600 --> 00:39:45,440
Speaker 1: and I can't remember why we were talking about it,

887
00:39:45,480 --> 00:39:47,319
Speaker 1: but it stuck.

888
00:39:47,040 --> 00:39:48,359
Speaker 2: With me to that day.

889
00:39:48,640 --> 00:39:49,319
Speaker 4: Or something rather than that.

890
00:39:49,360 --> 00:39:52,480
Speaker 3: Sami said to me, Yeah, integrity is when your words,

891
00:39:52,560 --> 00:39:55,759
Speaker 3: your actions, your words, your actions, and your thoughts are

892
00:39:55,800 --> 00:39:56,760
Speaker 3: in complete alignment.

893
00:39:56,880 --> 00:39:57,480
Speaker 4: Yeah. Yeah.

894
00:39:57,520 --> 00:39:59,879
Speaker 1: And because I'm such a visual person, right, I kind

895
00:39:59,880 --> 00:40:02,000
Speaker 1: of picture it like, Okay, it starts with your thoughts,

896
00:40:02,120 --> 00:40:04,200
Speaker 1: your words, your words go to your hands.

897
00:40:04,400 --> 00:40:05,600
Speaker 2: Your hands create the action.

898
00:40:05,840 --> 00:40:06,040
Speaker 4: Yeah.

899
00:40:06,160 --> 00:40:12,560
Speaker 1: So, but so it's really helped me now in the

900
00:40:12,600 --> 00:40:16,240
Speaker 1: people please inside of things, because every time someone wants something,

901
00:40:16,280 --> 00:40:17,560
Speaker 1: I really want to make them happy.

902
00:40:17,560 --> 00:40:18,640
Speaker 2: I really want to make them happy.

903
00:40:19,440 --> 00:40:22,080
Speaker 1: Or we all know if you get the text of

904
00:40:22,080 --> 00:40:23,279
Speaker 1: like hey, you want to go out, and you're like,

905
00:40:23,320 --> 00:40:25,160
Speaker 1: I really don't want to go out, but sometimes you're like,

906
00:40:25,160 --> 00:40:26,880
Speaker 1: all right, I'll force myself. I don't want to let

907
00:40:26,920 --> 00:40:28,680
Speaker 1: be left out. I go, okay, do I want to

908
00:40:28,719 --> 00:40:28,960
Speaker 1: go out?

909
00:40:29,000 --> 00:40:29,160
Speaker 4: Yes?

910
00:40:29,239 --> 00:40:29,560
Speaker 2: Or no?

911
00:40:29,560 --> 00:40:29,719
Speaker 4: No?

912
00:40:30,040 --> 00:40:32,960
Speaker 1: Okay, don't lie and be like I'm sorry, just like

913
00:40:33,120 --> 00:40:35,680
Speaker 1: be honest about why, you know what, I'm really tired.

914
00:40:36,120 --> 00:40:38,560
Speaker 1: And then the action is I sit down and I'm resting.

915
00:40:39,160 --> 00:40:44,600
Speaker 1: And that alignment has helped so much, Like it's such

916
00:40:44,600 --> 00:40:48,040
Speaker 1: a simple equation, if you will, but it's really helped

917
00:40:48,080 --> 00:40:51,520
Speaker 1: me make sure and since then, I've had tough conversations

918
00:40:51,520 --> 00:40:53,280
Speaker 1: with people that I really don't want to have because

919
00:40:53,280 --> 00:40:55,080
Speaker 1: normally I'd be like, it's fine, I don't yeah, but

920
00:40:55,200 --> 00:40:58,040
Speaker 1: it doesn't matter. But I'm like, well, no, I keep

921
00:40:58,080 --> 00:41:01,759
Speaker 1: thinking about it, I keep not saying in alignment with

922
00:41:01,880 --> 00:41:05,200
Speaker 1: what I'm thinking, And so how do I start to,

923
00:41:05,400 --> 00:41:07,800
Speaker 1: you know, act in accordance. And that has either really

924
00:41:08,040 --> 00:41:12,279
Speaker 1: made it much better, like better relationships, closer relationships, or

925
00:41:12,520 --> 00:41:16,360
Speaker 1: it's actually somewhat made things more difficult with people, But

926
00:41:16,960 --> 00:41:20,680
Speaker 1: it's the truth, and I think that that's more peace

927
00:41:20,960 --> 00:41:24,120
Speaker 1: worthy then just trying to say a lie.

928
00:41:24,000 --> 00:41:24,680
Speaker 2: To keep the peace.

929
00:41:24,760 --> 00:41:26,960
Speaker 3: I go back to that statement over and over again too,

930
00:41:27,000 --> 00:41:30,759
Speaker 3: because I either have a people pleasing nature to make

931
00:41:30,800 --> 00:41:32,840
Speaker 3: sure other people that are still okay with me and

932
00:41:32,840 --> 00:41:36,040
Speaker 3: don't get upset with me, or I have it because

933
00:41:36,680 --> 00:41:39,080
Speaker 3: it makes me feel good about myself of feeling like

934
00:41:39,120 --> 00:41:42,719
Speaker 3: I'm doing something for somebody else and it creates value.

935
00:41:43,120 --> 00:41:45,520
Speaker 3: And so I've had to really differentiate between the two, like,

936
00:41:45,560 --> 00:41:47,040
Speaker 3: am I doing it because I want to be liked?

937
00:41:47,080 --> 00:41:48,000
Speaker 4: That's not a good reason.

938
00:41:48,040 --> 00:41:50,960
Speaker 3: Am I doing it because it makes me feel valuable

939
00:41:50,960 --> 00:41:53,480
Speaker 3: in their life also not a good reason? Or am

940
00:41:53,520 --> 00:41:56,120
Speaker 3: I doing it because it's genuinely what I want to do,

941
00:41:56,360 --> 00:41:58,319
Speaker 3: And I always say, like, you always know when you're

942
00:41:58,360 --> 00:42:04,759
Speaker 3: overextending yourself, when you feel resentment or depletion or the

943
00:42:04,880 --> 00:42:08,000
Speaker 3: need for someone to reciprocate with you, and you're constantly

944
00:42:08,000 --> 00:42:10,399
Speaker 3: thinking about those one of those three. After you give

945
00:42:10,480 --> 00:42:13,880
Speaker 3: too much, you always know you've gone past your ability

946
00:42:13,920 --> 00:42:17,319
Speaker 3: to give and your limits of people pleasing when you

947
00:42:17,480 --> 00:42:22,319
Speaker 3: have a negative, a negative feeling after it, Because if

948
00:42:22,320 --> 00:42:25,080
Speaker 3: you actually give from a when you actually deeply want

949
00:42:25,120 --> 00:42:26,640
Speaker 3: to give, you're never thinking, I wonder when that person's

950
00:42:26,640 --> 00:42:29,560
Speaker 3: gonna give back to me, I wonder where, like I

951
00:42:29,600 --> 00:42:32,840
Speaker 3: wonder when this will be repaid in my life. I

952
00:42:32,880 --> 00:42:34,319
Speaker 3: give that a person a packet of Chris, I wonder

953
00:42:34,320 --> 00:42:35,759
Speaker 3: when they're going to give me that packet of Chris

954
00:42:35,920 --> 00:42:39,760
Speaker 3: back or chips. You know, that's such a small, small example.

955
00:42:39,800 --> 00:42:44,640
Speaker 3: But when you're not requiring that reciprocation and you're not

956
00:42:44,719 --> 00:42:49,080
Speaker 3: requiring that and you're not feeling those negative or resentful feelings,

957
00:42:49,239 --> 00:42:51,120
Speaker 3: that's when you know you've given to the capacity that

958
00:42:51,160 --> 00:42:54,319
Speaker 3: you have and you haven't given it inauthentically, because giving

959
00:42:54,320 --> 00:42:56,600
Speaker 3: it authentically then it's like why am I giving anyway?

960
00:42:56,640 --> 00:42:59,040
Speaker 3: Because I'm actually not giving? Am I actually giving a

961
00:42:59,040 --> 00:42:59,840
Speaker 3: negative part of me.

962
00:43:00,560 --> 00:43:03,040
Speaker 1: And what's worse is when you give and you're like,

963
00:43:03,239 --> 00:43:06,480
Speaker 1: you pride yourself on the self sacrifice.

964
00:43:05,800 --> 00:43:08,799
Speaker 3: Exactly, that's what exactly, Well, oh I've been this is

965
00:43:08,880 --> 00:43:12,280
Speaker 3: me being a really good person even though it's really

966
00:43:12,320 --> 00:43:14,160
Speaker 3: pain even though they don't deserve it.

967
00:43:14,400 --> 00:43:17,160
Speaker 1: Well, but that then goes like it makes you feel

968
00:43:17,200 --> 00:43:20,959
Speaker 1: even prouder. But that's really dangerous again going to your feeding. Yeah,

969
00:43:21,000 --> 00:43:23,520
Speaker 1: and you're telling yourself as well that again you're not

970
00:43:23,719 --> 00:43:27,799
Speaker 1: as worthy or you're not as valuable. And so then

971
00:43:27,840 --> 00:43:29,560
Speaker 1: the other part actually that you were saying about the

972
00:43:29,600 --> 00:43:31,799
Speaker 1: resentment is there was this whole study by done by

973
00:43:31,800 --> 00:43:35,279
Speaker 1: the Gotman Institute that I'm obsessed with. And do you

974
00:43:35,280 --> 00:43:39,120
Speaker 1: know the study, Well, the Gotmans are amazing. So they

975
00:43:39,120 --> 00:43:42,120
Speaker 1: bring in these couples and they switch the sound off

976
00:43:42,320 --> 00:43:44,800
Speaker 1: in the rooms so they can't hear what the couples

977
00:43:44,800 --> 00:43:47,160
Speaker 1: are saying, and they have someone sit with the couples

978
00:43:47,200 --> 00:43:50,279
Speaker 1: in the room and they ask them questions and they said,

979
00:43:50,320 --> 00:43:55,560
Speaker 1: with ninety nine zero percent accuracy, just by the way

980
00:43:55,600 --> 00:43:59,040
Speaker 1: that they were acting towards each other, the physical movements,

981
00:43:59,320 --> 00:44:01,920
Speaker 1: they could predic with ninety percent accuracy whether they were

982
00:44:01,920 --> 00:44:05,160
Speaker 1: going to get divorced within the seven years. Yes, And

983
00:44:05,200 --> 00:44:08,800
Speaker 1: you know the thing, they were looking out for contempt

984
00:44:08,840 --> 00:44:12,799
Speaker 1: and resentment. And they said, the second you start to

985
00:44:12,840 --> 00:44:16,320
Speaker 1: resent or have contempt for your partner, you're ninety percent

986
00:44:16,400 --> 00:44:19,760
Speaker 1: chance of getting divorced. And they saw contempt and resentment

987
00:44:19,760 --> 00:44:22,680
Speaker 1: in body language. It was the rolling of the eyes,

988
00:44:22,800 --> 00:44:26,520
Speaker 1: it was the and they would ask the couples like

989
00:44:26,520 --> 00:44:28,879
Speaker 1: the opening question was, tell me about how you first

990
00:44:28,920 --> 00:44:34,239
Speaker 1: met wow, because you'd either go, well, yeah, he chatted me,

991
00:44:34,360 --> 00:44:35,480
Speaker 1: he chatted me up at a bar.

992
00:44:35,640 --> 00:44:37,960
Speaker 2: No, I didn't you chatted me up? Right, you get that.

993
00:44:37,920 --> 00:44:41,200
Speaker 1: Story, or you'd be like, oh my god, let me

994
00:44:41,200 --> 00:44:44,960
Speaker 1: tell you he was so sweet. Right, And just by

995
00:44:45,000 --> 00:44:48,839
Speaker 1: people telling their stories will show whether they have contempt.

996
00:44:49,120 --> 00:44:52,120
Speaker 1: Whether they've got contempt will then lead to ninety percent accuracy.

997
00:44:52,239 --> 00:44:54,520
Speaker 1: So you can now imagine obviously that's relationship. But now

998
00:44:54,560 --> 00:44:57,520
Speaker 1: think about it with friends, think about it with family members.

999
00:44:57,600 --> 00:45:00,320
Speaker 1: How you're starting to feel when you start to build

1000
00:45:00,320 --> 00:45:02,800
Speaker 1: this contempt or resentment towards them.

1001
00:45:02,680 --> 00:45:06,919
Speaker 3: Totally it changes your everyday interactions with people. Let's say

1002
00:45:06,920 --> 00:45:09,520
Speaker 3: someone comes to you today and they're like, tell me

1003
00:45:09,760 --> 00:45:12,959
Speaker 3: what the first step is? What should I do right

1004
00:45:13,000 --> 00:45:17,400
Speaker 3: now today to I'm at the lowest point of though,

1005
00:45:17,760 --> 00:45:19,880
Speaker 3: I don't know how to build up my confidence. What

1006
00:45:20,000 --> 00:45:22,200
Speaker 3: can I start with today? Like, do you have like

1007
00:45:22,200 --> 00:45:24,120
Speaker 3: a step one in your book of where to start.

1008
00:45:24,239 --> 00:45:25,200
Speaker 2: So it all has.

1009
00:45:25,040 --> 00:45:27,479
Speaker 1: To be with the planning before you even do an action.

1010
00:45:27,920 --> 00:45:31,279
Speaker 1: So really you have to understand that confidence is the

1011
00:45:31,280 --> 00:45:36,080
Speaker 1: byproduct of taking action. So you cannot get confidence before

1012
00:45:36,080 --> 00:45:36,480
Speaker 1: you start.

1013
00:45:36,600 --> 00:45:39,879
Speaker 2: Okay, you just can't. Yeah, confidence is built, So now

1014
00:45:39,880 --> 00:45:40,239
Speaker 2: think of it.

1015
00:45:41,640 --> 00:45:44,960
Speaker 1: So now imagine I because the analogy is important for

1016
00:45:45,000 --> 00:45:47,840
Speaker 1: you to understand, so then know the actions. So for instance,

1017
00:45:47,840 --> 00:45:49,560
Speaker 1: if I would say to you RADI go to the

1018
00:45:49,600 --> 00:45:54,000
Speaker 1: gym and I'm going to give you six weeks to

1019
00:45:54,280 --> 00:45:58,520
Speaker 1: curl twenty pounds, you may go up, Okay, cool, I'm

1020
00:45:58,520 --> 00:46:01,359
Speaker 1: going to go in. I'm gonna curl every single day,

1021
00:46:01,440 --> 00:46:02,880
Speaker 1: I'm going to eat this food blah blah blah. And

1022
00:46:02,880 --> 00:46:04,799
Speaker 1: you're gonna have a plan put together. And then at

1023
00:46:04,800 --> 00:46:06,360
Speaker 1: the end of the six weeks, hopefully you're going to

1024
00:46:06,400 --> 00:46:09,200
Speaker 1: be able to maybe get even close to that. But

1025
00:46:09,280 --> 00:46:12,400
Speaker 1: now imagine I go, okay, cool, you've done that. Now

1026
00:46:12,600 --> 00:46:15,759
Speaker 1: I want you to go in and bedlift. You have

1027
00:46:15,800 --> 00:46:18,879
Speaker 1: to start from scratch again. But people think if you've

1028
00:46:18,880 --> 00:46:21,640
Speaker 1: got confidence in one area, it means you've got confidence

1029
00:46:21,680 --> 00:46:24,600
Speaker 1: in every area. If you think of it like a muscle.

1030
00:46:24,960 --> 00:46:27,080
Speaker 1: Now hopefully you can understand that. You just have to

1031
00:46:27,160 --> 00:46:30,799
Speaker 1: identify firstly, what type of confidence muscle you need to

1032
00:46:30,800 --> 00:46:34,040
Speaker 1: start building. So when someone comes, it's like, I don't

1033
00:46:34,080 --> 00:46:36,120
Speaker 1: know what I'm doing. I don't want to get started.

1034
00:46:36,320 --> 00:46:37,480
Speaker 1: I need to build my confidence.

1035
00:46:37,560 --> 00:46:39,400
Speaker 2: What do I do? It's like, you have to understand

1036
00:46:39,400 --> 00:46:40,680
Speaker 2: what you want confidence in.

1037
00:46:40,960 --> 00:46:44,239
Speaker 1: Yeah, so if you say, okay, I want confidence in

1038
00:46:44,360 --> 00:46:46,920
Speaker 1: public speaking, Okay, now we at least have the framework.

1039
00:46:47,200 --> 00:46:49,960
Speaker 2: You know your end goal, you know exactly what you're

1040
00:46:49,960 --> 00:46:50,600
Speaker 2: trying to get to.

1041
00:46:51,160 --> 00:46:53,160
Speaker 1: So what I then like to do is I like

1042
00:46:53,239 --> 00:46:55,600
Speaker 1: to use equations again because I can get in my

1043
00:46:55,680 --> 00:46:57,759
Speaker 1: own way with emotion. So I put everything into like

1044
00:46:57,800 --> 00:47:01,759
Speaker 1: mathematical equations, things that I can't. So I go, okay,

1045
00:47:01,800 --> 00:47:03,879
Speaker 1: if I want to get on stage, put a goal

1046
00:47:03,960 --> 00:47:08,040
Speaker 1: in place that you are then working towards every single day.

1047
00:47:08,239 --> 00:47:10,239
Speaker 1: So what does a goal look like? It's a what

1048
00:47:10,840 --> 00:47:14,480
Speaker 1: and how much and by when. That's the equation that

1049
00:47:14,520 --> 00:47:17,160
Speaker 1: makes up a goal. So what I want to be

1050
00:47:17,200 --> 00:47:19,720
Speaker 1: able to go on stand on stage and do a speech.

1051
00:47:19,840 --> 00:47:23,040
Speaker 2: Right, Okay, how many? I just want to do one.

1052
00:47:23,160 --> 00:47:25,120
Speaker 2: I just want one by when by the end of

1053
00:47:25,120 --> 00:47:25,440
Speaker 2: the year.

1054
00:47:26,000 --> 00:47:29,760
Speaker 1: Okay, Now you refined when you say I want confidence,

1055
00:47:29,840 --> 00:47:31,640
Speaker 1: What does that mean? You've refined it down to something

1056
00:47:31,760 --> 00:47:32,520
Speaker 1: very specific.

1057
00:47:33,120 --> 00:47:34,520
Speaker 4: Yeah, that makes so much sense.

1058
00:47:34,640 --> 00:47:36,600
Speaker 1: So now you say, by the end of the year,

1059
00:47:36,719 --> 00:47:38,279
Speaker 1: I want to do a public speaking gig and I

1060
00:47:38,320 --> 00:47:39,120
Speaker 1: want to be on stage.

1061
00:47:39,320 --> 00:47:39,680
Speaker 4: Great.

1062
00:47:40,480 --> 00:47:43,120
Speaker 1: Now what you do is you take the time when

1063
00:47:43,200 --> 00:47:46,759
Speaker 1: you're you're you know, comfortable, maybe you're with your friends,

1064
00:47:47,040 --> 00:47:50,520
Speaker 1: and you write out a blueprint a plan. Okay, if

1065
00:47:50,560 --> 00:47:55,640
Speaker 1: I've never public spoken before, what step one? Gain the knowledge?

1066
00:47:56,000 --> 00:47:58,960
Speaker 1: So step one maybe ask all of your friends who

1067
00:47:58,960 --> 00:48:02,280
Speaker 1: maybe have done public speaking, ask them a thousand questions,

1068
00:48:02,640 --> 00:48:06,280
Speaker 1: sit with them, sit by their feet, and be the student. Yes,

1069
00:48:06,920 --> 00:48:09,880
Speaker 1: once you've done that, what's step two? Maybe you prepare

1070
00:48:09,920 --> 00:48:12,640
Speaker 1: your own speech. Okay, you write it out. Step three

1071
00:48:13,040 --> 00:48:15,759
Speaker 1: is you film it? Step four is you rewatch it?

1072
00:48:15,840 --> 00:48:18,680
Speaker 1: Step five is you rewrite your speech. Now you can

1073
00:48:18,680 --> 00:48:23,040
Speaker 1: see I do every freaking tiny little step for the

1074
00:48:23,120 --> 00:48:26,920
Speaker 1: micro moment micro moments, because if you told me go

1075
00:48:27,000 --> 00:48:29,839
Speaker 1: on stage and speak to a thousand people, I would

1076
00:48:29,880 --> 00:48:33,040
Speaker 1: have a heart attack. But what I do is when

1077
00:48:33,080 --> 00:48:34,600
Speaker 1: I wake up in the morning, I look at my

1078
00:48:34,680 --> 00:48:36,240
Speaker 1: cheek sheet and I go, what did I tell myself

1079
00:48:36,239 --> 00:48:38,239
Speaker 1: I was going to do today today? I just said

1080
00:48:38,239 --> 00:48:39,959
Speaker 1: that I was going to write the speech. I didn't

1081
00:48:39,960 --> 00:48:41,440
Speaker 1: say I was going to perform it. I didn't say

1082
00:48:41,440 --> 00:48:42,799
Speaker 1: I was going to film it. I didn't say I

1083
00:48:42,840 --> 00:48:44,439
Speaker 1: was going to do anything with it. All I said

1084
00:48:44,520 --> 00:48:47,000
Speaker 1: was I was going to write it. And if you

1085
00:48:47,120 --> 00:48:51,480
Speaker 1: do that every single day, that then becomes the way

1086
00:48:51,680 --> 00:48:54,680
Speaker 1: that you do. You build your confidence, and then you

1087
00:48:54,719 --> 00:48:55,719
Speaker 1: get your confidence.

1088
00:48:56,000 --> 00:48:58,400
Speaker 3: I cannot tell you how deeply I resonate with that,

1089
00:48:58,480 --> 00:49:01,319
Speaker 3: because I had this moment of actually going up on

1090
00:49:01,400 --> 00:49:04,480
Speaker 3: stage and actually have, like I said yes to doing

1091
00:49:04,480 --> 00:49:07,319
Speaker 3: a keynote that I had never done before that I

1092
00:49:07,400 --> 00:49:09,360
Speaker 3: had the most amount of fear of.

1093
00:49:09,560 --> 00:49:11,240
Speaker 4: And every step that you.

1094
00:49:11,160 --> 00:49:12,719
Speaker 3: Just said, and I just want to say how much

1095
00:49:12,760 --> 00:49:16,200
Speaker 3: this works, because every single step that you just said

1096
00:49:16,239 --> 00:49:18,640
Speaker 3: is what I did. I started over a month before

1097
00:49:18,680 --> 00:49:20,760
Speaker 3: I was going to do it, maybe two months ide eighteen,

1098
00:49:20,760 --> 00:49:22,480
Speaker 3: trying to figure out what I wanted to speak about.

1099
00:49:22,719 --> 00:49:25,520
Speaker 3: First of all, I asked Jay, because he's such an

1100
00:49:25,520 --> 00:49:28,440
Speaker 3: expert at public speaking, I asked him, what are your tips? Like,

1101
00:49:28,480 --> 00:49:31,239
Speaker 3: how do you even form the speech that? I'm like,

1102
00:49:31,320 --> 00:49:32,399
Speaker 3: how do I even form a keynot?

1103
00:49:32,400 --> 00:49:33,400
Speaker 4: I didn't even know where to start.

1104
00:49:33,840 --> 00:49:36,279
Speaker 3: He gave me his framework, and so I sat down

1105
00:49:36,280 --> 00:49:39,759
Speaker 3: and I started writing it, and then I was saying

1106
00:49:39,760 --> 00:49:41,440
Speaker 3: it to myself over and over again, and then I

1107
00:49:41,440 --> 00:49:43,439
Speaker 3: decided to do it to the team that was here.

1108
00:49:43,880 --> 00:49:46,680
Speaker 3: And I'll be honest, I cried while I was giving

1109
00:49:46,680 --> 00:49:51,080
Speaker 3: that job. But because because the discomfort of speaking in

1110
00:49:51,080 --> 00:49:54,440
Speaker 3: front of people may like I cry and discomfort like

1111
00:49:54,560 --> 00:49:56,160
Speaker 3: that's the way that my body deals with it. It's

1112
00:49:56,200 --> 00:50:00,759
Speaker 3: suddenly the feeling of such discomfort makes me cry. And

1113
00:50:00,800 --> 00:50:03,759
Speaker 3: so I remember sitting in my lounge, my living room,

1114
00:50:03,880 --> 00:50:07,319
Speaker 3: and I was sat in front of them saying the thing,

1115
00:50:07,360 --> 00:50:08,719
Speaker 3: and I even had my little notes. I was like,

1116
00:50:08,760 --> 00:50:10,520
Speaker 3: I don't feel comfortable doing it without my notes. So

1117
00:50:10,560 --> 00:50:12,799
Speaker 3: I was doing my notes and I literally broke down

1118
00:50:12,840 --> 00:50:16,200
Speaker 3: halfway into tears because I was like the anxiety that

1119
00:50:16,280 --> 00:50:19,239
Speaker 3: had build up built up in me to actually say

1120
00:50:19,280 --> 00:50:21,960
Speaker 3: it to anybody, to take it from being by myself

1121
00:50:22,000 --> 00:50:25,319
Speaker 3: to somebody else was huge. But I made it to

1122
00:50:25,360 --> 00:50:28,160
Speaker 3: the stage. And what I will say is, I was thinking,

1123
00:50:28,160 --> 00:50:31,319
Speaker 3: while you were saying that all these little things that

1124
00:50:31,400 --> 00:50:34,160
Speaker 3: I ended up saying yes to. And I remember thinking,

1125
00:50:34,320 --> 00:50:36,479
Speaker 3: I've been wanting to build confidence for a long time

1126
00:50:36,520 --> 00:50:37,600
Speaker 3: in different areas.

1127
00:50:37,880 --> 00:50:38,440
Speaker 4: But You're right.

1128
00:50:38,480 --> 00:50:40,040
Speaker 3: Whenever I would say I want to be more confident,

1129
00:50:40,040 --> 00:50:42,000
Speaker 3: but be like, what does that mean? Like when you're

1130
00:50:42,040 --> 00:50:44,279
Speaker 3: giving yourself such a large goal, It's like, how do

1131
00:50:44,400 --> 00:50:47,120
Speaker 3: I know what being confident even means? What does it

1132
00:50:47,160 --> 00:50:49,640
Speaker 3: even look like? And now as you're saying that, I'm

1133
00:50:49,640 --> 00:50:51,799
Speaker 3: reflecting back and I'm like, oh my gosh. I said

1134
00:50:51,880 --> 00:50:55,400
Speaker 3: yes and did this process in so many different areas

1135
00:50:55,440 --> 00:50:58,120
Speaker 3: of my life, whether it's the podcast and deciding to

1136
00:50:58,120 --> 00:50:59,799
Speaker 3: do that, showing up in something that I'm not for

1137
00:50:59,880 --> 00:51:03,480
Speaker 3: me with the speaking, writing the book, all of these

1138
00:51:03,520 --> 00:51:06,279
Speaker 3: things have been very different things in different areas, and

1139
00:51:06,360 --> 00:51:09,439
Speaker 3: I've gone through the process one step at a time

1140
00:51:09,560 --> 00:51:14,880
Speaker 3: at time to completion, and I realized those small completions

1141
00:51:15,560 --> 00:51:17,840
Speaker 3: has slowly built the confidence to say yes to the

1142
00:51:17,840 --> 00:51:20,279
Speaker 3: next thing, even if it's not the same thing at all.

1143
00:51:20,680 --> 00:51:22,919
Speaker 3: It has built the confidence to say yes. So saying

1144
00:51:23,000 --> 00:51:25,759
Speaker 3: yes to your podcast that how many years ago, what

1145
00:51:25,840 --> 00:51:29,239
Speaker 3: three years ago? Years ago, five years ago? I said

1146
00:51:29,320 --> 00:51:31,920
Speaker 3: yes to your podcast, And then I said yes to

1147
00:51:31,960 --> 00:51:34,319
Speaker 3: more podcasts, and then I said yes to writing the

1148
00:51:34,320 --> 00:51:37,359
Speaker 3: book and all of those small moments. It wasn't at

1149
00:51:37,400 --> 00:51:39,920
Speaker 3: the time that I thought, oh, this is building my confidence.

1150
00:51:40,600 --> 00:51:42,520
Speaker 3: It was me saying I'm going to complete this thing.

1151
00:51:42,640 --> 00:51:45,720
Speaker 3: And now I realized all those completions have been little

1152
00:51:45,760 --> 00:51:49,760
Speaker 3: steps towards saying an easier yes to so many other things.

1153
00:51:49,880 --> 00:51:51,560
Speaker 2: Yeah, now look at you got your own podcast GOP.

1154
00:51:51,680 --> 00:51:54,799
Speaker 1: I know, but that is so important for people to

1155
00:51:54,880 --> 00:51:58,239
Speaker 1: hear because it is definitely the pyramid and not the

1156
00:51:58,239 --> 00:52:00,880
Speaker 1: pyramid the yes.

1157
00:52:01,320 --> 00:52:04,239
Speaker 2: So people see you on stage, that's the tip. They're like, oh,

1158
00:52:04,280 --> 00:52:05,440
Speaker 2: look at the iceberg, I see it.

1159
00:52:06,200 --> 00:52:10,280
Speaker 1: All that work you've done on Underground is exactly what's

1160
00:52:10,320 --> 00:52:12,160
Speaker 1: allowed you to then have that peak.

1161
00:52:12,200 --> 00:52:14,120
Speaker 3: I'd all say, it doesn't get easier, Like every day

1162
00:52:14,160 --> 00:52:17,160
Speaker 3: before I'm coming on, before I'm doing a podcast, I'm like,

1163
00:52:17,480 --> 00:52:19,719
Speaker 3: at least, but my like my team was as robby, like,

1164
00:52:19,760 --> 00:52:21,319
Speaker 3: you've done this before. I know, but I'm still really

1165
00:52:21,360 --> 00:52:23,640
Speaker 3: anxious and I don't know whether I'm asking the right questions.

1166
00:52:23,320 --> 00:52:27,160
Speaker 4: And is this is this? Uh? Is this okay?

1167
00:52:27,239 --> 00:52:28,960
Speaker 3: The way that I'm saying this, Have I worded it

1168
00:52:28,960 --> 00:52:31,880
Speaker 3: in the right way? And so you still will analyze

1169
00:52:31,880 --> 00:52:34,600
Speaker 3: yourself in a way that you may not feel the

1170
00:52:34,640 --> 00:52:37,080
Speaker 3: most confident, but the fact that you're still showing up

1171
00:52:37,160 --> 00:52:40,880
Speaker 3: and the fact that you're still making the effort to

1172
00:52:40,920 --> 00:52:43,719
Speaker 3: go through the motions like that is in my eyes,

1173
00:52:43,760 --> 00:52:45,000
Speaker 3: Like now I think about it, I'm like, that is

1174
00:52:45,040 --> 00:52:47,839
Speaker 3: the confidence. It's not actually about how other people are

1175
00:52:47,880 --> 00:52:50,719
Speaker 3: seeing me. It's not actually about how other people are

1176
00:52:50,760 --> 00:52:53,960
Speaker 3: perceiving what I'm doing, being successful or not successful, because

1177
00:52:54,040 --> 00:52:55,640
Speaker 3: every day I'm still in it and being like.

1178
00:52:55,760 --> 00:52:58,080
Speaker 4: Am I doing this okay? Is this right? Is this okay?

1179
00:52:58,120 --> 00:53:00,839
Speaker 3: And so it's actually so much more about how you

1180
00:53:00,840 --> 00:53:03,080
Speaker 3: are feeling about yourself and what you're saying yes to

1181
00:53:03,280 --> 00:53:05,520
Speaker 3: And as soon as you say yes, it actually tells

1182
00:53:05,560 --> 00:53:08,279
Speaker 3: yourself that, oh, I actually believe even if you think

1183
00:53:08,320 --> 00:53:10,600
Speaker 3: you don't believe it. Just by saying yes, you're saying

1184
00:53:10,600 --> 00:53:14,319
Speaker 3: to yourself, oh, this must mean that you believe in me.

1185
00:53:14,840 --> 00:53:17,279
Speaker 3: You believe in me that I can even possibly do it.

1186
00:53:17,719 --> 00:53:20,560
Speaker 3: And so the yes makes a difference, even if you

1187
00:53:20,640 --> 00:53:22,680
Speaker 3: end up failing, the fact that you even tried and

1188
00:53:22,760 --> 00:53:25,600
Speaker 3: you thought you could do it builds confidence in yourself.

1189
00:53:25,680 --> 00:53:25,879
Speaker 4: Yeah.

1190
00:53:25,920 --> 00:53:27,719
Speaker 1: And that's the thing though, I think people think that

1191
00:53:27,800 --> 00:53:30,960
Speaker 1: if you fail that you are a failure, and it's

1192
00:53:31,000 --> 00:53:33,040
Speaker 1: hard to get back up because it actually is right,

1193
00:53:33,080 --> 00:53:35,680
Speaker 1: Like everything that we're talking about is like go.

1194
00:53:35,640 --> 00:53:37,479
Speaker 2: For it, like build your confidence build.

1195
00:53:37,680 --> 00:53:39,759
Speaker 1: Okay, now imagine you've done all the work and you

1196
00:53:39,800 --> 00:53:42,160
Speaker 1: get on stage like you were amazing.

1197
00:53:41,840 --> 00:53:43,840
Speaker 4: Like cad that.

1198
00:53:44,080 --> 00:53:47,160
Speaker 1: But now imagine you actually mess up. Yeah, not like

1199
00:53:47,680 --> 00:53:50,239
Speaker 1: let the worst right actually trip and four that would

1200
00:53:50,280 --> 00:53:53,480
Speaker 1: be horrifying. But listen, you just mess up your speech completely.

1201
00:53:53,560 --> 00:53:54,360
Speaker 2: You say the one.

1202
00:53:54,200 --> 00:53:56,520
Speaker 3: Word panel and I did that. I went on a panel,

1203
00:53:56,560 --> 00:53:58,560
Speaker 3: I answered one question and I didn't say anything the

1204
00:53:58,560 --> 00:54:01,000
Speaker 3: rest of the time because I compare, letly froze and

1205
00:54:01,000 --> 00:54:03,640
Speaker 3: they didn't wvite me back ever again that panel.

1206
00:54:04,400 --> 00:54:06,520
Speaker 1: But you didn't let that hold you back, right, But

1207
00:54:06,560 --> 00:54:09,279
Speaker 1: a lot of us do because we're like, that was

1208
00:54:09,320 --> 00:54:12,960
Speaker 1: my one chance, and so we seek perfection otherwise we're

1209
00:54:13,000 --> 00:54:15,839
Speaker 1: not going to get started. And actually, people don't want

1210
00:54:16,000 --> 00:54:18,480
Speaker 1: to see you being perfect. And there was this whole

1211
00:54:18,480 --> 00:54:22,080
Speaker 1: like study they did where I can't remember what university,

1212
00:54:22,120 --> 00:54:24,359
Speaker 1: but they hire these two actors or sorry, this one

1213
00:54:24,400 --> 00:54:26,560
Speaker 1: actor and she goes into a grocery store, and you know,

1214
00:54:26,640 --> 00:54:29,759
Speaker 1: in the grocery stores they have those samples. So they're

1215
00:54:29,760 --> 00:54:32,920
Speaker 1: doing this sample of a blender, and so they do

1216
00:54:33,000 --> 00:54:35,160
Speaker 1: this one test. They have this blender and this woman

1217
00:54:35,239 --> 00:54:37,239
Speaker 1: is like putting food in it and like showing how

1218
00:54:37,280 --> 00:54:37,799
Speaker 1: to use it.

1219
00:54:37,920 --> 00:54:39,320
Speaker 2: She's look very pretty.

1220
00:54:39,440 --> 00:54:41,560
Speaker 1: She does it perfectly, and the blender and the drink

1221
00:54:41,640 --> 00:54:44,880
Speaker 1: is amazing, and she serves it to people watching. The

1222
00:54:45,000 --> 00:54:49,120
Speaker 1: very next day, the same actress comes back and she's

1223
00:54:49,120 --> 00:54:52,440
Speaker 1: doing exactly the same setup, except as she's doing the blender,

1224
00:54:52,560 --> 00:54:56,399
Speaker 1: she forgets to put forgets right. This is obviously an act.

1225
00:54:56,719 --> 00:54:58,759
Speaker 1: She forgets to put the lid on the blender and

1226
00:54:58,800 --> 00:55:01,919
Speaker 1: she presses the on button and so it splashes all

1227
00:55:01,960 --> 00:55:04,480
Speaker 1: over her. Now she's doing this demo. Who do you

1228
00:55:04,640 --> 00:55:07,000
Speaker 1: think sold more blenders she did?

1229
00:55:07,320 --> 00:55:07,760
Speaker 2: Wow.

1230
00:55:08,040 --> 00:55:11,560
Speaker 1: So knowing even that study means that people don't want

1231
00:55:11,600 --> 00:55:14,040
Speaker 1: you to be perfect. And there's actually something called like

1232
00:55:14,080 --> 00:55:17,840
Speaker 1: the shoe drop syndrome or something where it's when you

1233
00:55:17,880 --> 00:55:20,600
Speaker 1: meet someone for the first time, you're always waiting for

1234
00:55:20,600 --> 00:55:24,120
Speaker 1: the shoe to drop, always because no one is perfect.

1235
00:55:24,120 --> 00:55:26,200
Speaker 1: So whether you're going for a job interview or a date,

1236
00:55:27,120 --> 00:55:28,640
Speaker 1: and what they said is the best thing you can

1237
00:55:28,680 --> 00:55:30,880
Speaker 1: do is drop the shoe in the first five minutes

1238
00:55:30,880 --> 00:55:33,640
Speaker 1: of the conversation, because what it actually does is it

1239
00:55:33,640 --> 00:55:36,600
Speaker 1: makes you look trustworthy because now people are like, oh,

1240
00:55:36,600 --> 00:55:38,920
Speaker 1: you're not trying to hide that you're imperfect when we

1241
00:55:38,960 --> 00:55:42,359
Speaker 1: all secretly know you, of course are imperfect. Yes, So

1242
00:55:42,520 --> 00:55:45,320
Speaker 1: like just knowing all of that makes me go okay,

1243
00:55:45,600 --> 00:55:49,200
Speaker 1: So if I mess up on stage people actually don't care.

1244
00:55:49,239 --> 00:55:52,359
Speaker 1: It will actually show that I'm vulnerable and I'm very real.

1245
00:55:52,840 --> 00:55:54,840
Speaker 1: So I'm now going to tell myself that if I

1246
00:55:54,920 --> 00:55:57,640
Speaker 1: mess up, it's actually okay. And then what am I

1247
00:55:57,680 --> 00:55:59,919
Speaker 1: going to do when I mess up? Because I don't

1248
00:56:00,120 --> 00:56:05,120
Speaker 1: seek perfection, I seek progress, So now what's that progression? Okay,

1249
00:56:05,200 --> 00:56:07,120
Speaker 1: if I mess up on stage? My plan was just

1250
00:56:07,239 --> 00:56:09,759
Speaker 1: laugh yeah, yes, And I did mess up, and I

1251
00:56:09,840 --> 00:56:11,640
Speaker 1: just laughed at myself and everyone else laughed and I

1252
00:56:11,680 --> 00:56:16,200
Speaker 1: moved on. But that's one of those moments knowing thyself

1253
00:56:16,239 --> 00:56:18,520
Speaker 1: and knowing that if I fail, I may never go back.

1254
00:56:18,880 --> 00:56:22,440
Speaker 1: I can't afford to never go back. I can't afford

1255
00:56:22,480 --> 00:56:23,799
Speaker 1: to never not get back up.

1256
00:56:23,760 --> 00:56:24,560
Speaker 4: And they're not going back.

1257
00:56:24,640 --> 00:56:26,959
Speaker 3: Reminding yourself that they're not going back is purely because

1258
00:56:27,000 --> 00:56:29,840
Speaker 3: your ego doesn't want you to fail and like doesn't

1259
00:56:29,920 --> 00:56:34,800
Speaker 3: like the feeling of not being this great, perfect self

1260
00:56:34,880 --> 00:56:38,480
Speaker 3: that you've imagined yourself to be. Last question I want

1261
00:56:38,520 --> 00:56:40,680
Speaker 3: to ask. I know that there was this part in

1262
00:56:40,719 --> 00:56:43,319
Speaker 3: your book where you were talking about us expecting people

1263
00:56:43,360 --> 00:56:48,200
Speaker 3: to save us, like this idea of this idea of

1264
00:56:48,440 --> 00:56:51,279
Speaker 3: constantly waiting to be saved or somebody to save you.

1265
00:56:51,320 --> 00:56:55,000
Speaker 3: So for somebody who has who has this idea, nobody

1266
00:56:55,040 --> 00:56:58,640
Speaker 3: believes in them, nobody thinks they're going to succeed. The

1267
00:56:58,719 --> 00:57:02,840
Speaker 3: whole of their external world doesn't believe in them.

1268
00:57:03,719 --> 00:57:05,759
Speaker 4: How one, as.

1269
00:57:05,680 --> 00:57:08,040
Speaker 3: An individual who actually does believe in themselves, how do

1270
00:57:08,080 --> 00:57:11,920
Speaker 3: you stop the other people's opinions and voices getting into

1271
00:57:11,960 --> 00:57:16,720
Speaker 3: your head and into your own belief? And two, for

1272
00:57:16,840 --> 00:57:20,720
Speaker 3: people who like me when I was younger, were constantly

1273
00:57:21,120 --> 00:57:25,080
Speaker 3: used to people saving them and doing the work for them,

1274
00:57:25,400 --> 00:57:26,400
Speaker 3: what's your advice for them?

1275
00:57:26,800 --> 00:57:32,400
Speaker 1: So I'm always project your life out if nothing ever changed, Yeah,

1276
00:57:33,080 --> 00:57:35,560
Speaker 1: and get a piece of paper. And I always say

1277
00:57:35,600 --> 00:57:38,360
Speaker 1: like nobs like, don't trick yourself.

1278
00:57:38,640 --> 00:57:42,160
Speaker 2: We always trick ourselves. Yeah, don't trick yourself.

1279
00:57:42,400 --> 00:57:45,320
Speaker 1: Right out if nothing changes, what your life will look

1280
00:57:45,400 --> 00:57:47,240
Speaker 1: like in a year, woe look like in five years?

1281
00:57:47,280 --> 00:57:49,480
Speaker 2: Woa look like in ten years? And I'm forty four.

1282
00:57:49,560 --> 00:57:51,120
Speaker 1: Now, So you imagine I play all this game, all

1283
00:57:51,120 --> 00:57:53,760
Speaker 1: the way up until I'm one hundred yea, and I

1284
00:57:53,880 --> 00:57:56,840
Speaker 1: just go, now what And it's like, wow, Okay, if

1285
00:57:56,880 --> 00:57:59,000
Speaker 1: I and if I can be very honest, because I

1286
00:57:59,040 --> 00:58:01,000
Speaker 1: always like to being very honest with myself. So if

1287
00:58:01,000 --> 00:58:02,840
Speaker 1: I play like, okay, if I always just let my

1288
00:58:02,920 --> 00:58:05,400
Speaker 1: husband take care of me, my mom, my dad, my

1289
00:58:05,520 --> 00:58:08,920
Speaker 1: older siblings, what happens? Okay, Well, the chances are they

1290
00:58:08,960 --> 00:58:12,440
Speaker 1: going to die before me? Like the statistically I don't

1291
00:58:12,480 --> 00:58:15,440
Speaker 1: want to think about it, but statistically, so do I

1292
00:58:15,480 --> 00:58:18,280
Speaker 1: want to find myself eight years old and completely helpless

1293
00:58:18,440 --> 00:58:20,040
Speaker 1: because I've relied on everybody else.

1294
00:58:20,480 --> 00:58:22,720
Speaker 2: And here's the thing. Only you can answer those questions.

1295
00:58:22,760 --> 00:58:23,560
Speaker 2: It is your life.

1296
00:58:23,600 --> 00:58:26,280
Speaker 1: So do not let me dictate, do not anyone else dictate,

1297
00:58:26,480 --> 00:58:28,880
Speaker 1: but just really play that out, or play out a

1298
00:58:28,920 --> 00:58:32,200
Speaker 1: scenario where you're in your car and just stuck on

1299
00:58:32,240 --> 00:58:36,439
Speaker 1: a freeway and you're seventy years old and you don't

1300
00:58:36,440 --> 00:58:40,080
Speaker 1: know how to take care of yourself. Yeah, like do

1301
00:58:40,160 --> 00:58:42,200
Speaker 1: you want that? And if the answer is no, then amazing.

1302
00:58:42,400 --> 00:58:43,840
Speaker 1: Now you just know that you need to build your

1303
00:58:43,880 --> 00:58:46,040
Speaker 1: skill sets and that just takes one thing at a

1304
00:58:46,080 --> 00:58:48,920
Speaker 1: time and unwiring or letting go of the things that

1305
00:58:49,000 --> 00:58:51,200
Speaker 1: people can do to help you. And for me with

1306
00:58:51,320 --> 00:58:53,560
Speaker 1: my health, I was looking to my husband to help me,

1307
00:58:53,720 --> 00:58:57,200
Speaker 1: to literally save me. I had massive gut issues. You know,

1308
00:58:57,280 --> 00:58:59,720
Speaker 1: you know that I could barely eat anything I was on.

1309
00:59:00,120 --> 00:59:05,680
Speaker 1: I was eating five ingredients. Ingredients. Yeah, the first time

1310
00:59:05,680 --> 00:59:07,360
Speaker 1: I met you had to go to a special restaurant

1311
00:59:07,360 --> 00:59:09,840
Speaker 1: because I could barely eat. And so knowing that I

1312
00:59:09,880 --> 00:59:13,840
Speaker 1: can only eat five ingredients, knowing that I was just

1313
00:59:14,040 --> 00:59:16,480
Speaker 1: very weak, I was turning to Tom for everything. But

1314
00:59:16,520 --> 00:59:19,040
Speaker 1: what happens when he's had a bad day, what happens

1315
00:59:19,040 --> 00:59:20,240
Speaker 1: when he's stuck in a meeting?

1316
00:59:20,280 --> 00:59:21,520
Speaker 2: And that happened one day.

1317
00:59:21,640 --> 00:59:24,760
Speaker 1: I was in a photo shoot and I have massive

1318
00:59:24,760 --> 00:59:27,040
Speaker 1: gut like I could barely breathe.

1319
00:59:27,040 --> 00:59:28,120
Speaker 2: I was in so much pain.

1320
00:59:28,520 --> 00:59:30,000
Speaker 1: So I excuse myself and I was like, I'm just

1321
00:59:30,000 --> 00:59:31,360
Speaker 1: going to go to the restaurant, because of course, you

1322
00:59:31,360 --> 00:59:32,640
Speaker 1: don't tell people you're in pain.

1323
00:59:32,440 --> 00:59:34,000
Speaker 2: Because there's a woman, God forbid.

1324
00:59:34,040 --> 00:59:36,200
Speaker 1: I make other people uncomfortable, which now I would just

1325
00:59:36,200 --> 00:59:38,160
Speaker 1: tell people, but back then I didn't want to be

1326
00:59:38,240 --> 00:59:41,800
Speaker 1: judged for having pain, So that even sounds ridiculous. I

1327
00:59:41,880 --> 00:59:45,480
Speaker 1: don't want to be judged for having pain. That's ridiculous.

1328
00:59:45,960 --> 00:59:46,320
Speaker 2: Okay.

1329
00:59:46,440 --> 00:59:49,400
Speaker 1: So I go upstairs and I fall to the floor,

1330
00:59:49,440 --> 00:59:51,520
Speaker 1: like literally, I'm clutching my stomach, I fall to the floor.

1331
00:59:51,560 --> 00:59:52,400
Speaker 2: I can barely breathe.

1332
00:59:52,400 --> 00:59:54,800
Speaker 1: And in that moment, I'm saying to myself and I

1333
00:59:54,960 --> 00:59:57,400
Speaker 1: need my husband. I need my husband. I need him

1334
00:59:57,400 --> 01:00:00,160
Speaker 1: to come save me. So I call him and not

1335
01:00:00,200 --> 01:00:02,880
Speaker 1: answering his phone, So what do I do? I literally

1336
01:00:02,920 --> 01:00:04,440
Speaker 1: was like, well, so what do you do, Lisa? You

1337
01:00:04,440 --> 01:00:06,800
Speaker 1: want to spend the rest of your time on the cold, dirty,

1338
01:00:06,880 --> 01:00:09,800
Speaker 1: you know, floor, or do you want to be basically

1339
01:00:09,840 --> 01:00:11,760
Speaker 1: be the hero of your own life and get back up?

1340
01:00:12,120 --> 01:00:14,680
Speaker 1: And that's what I told myself, is like, oh, I

1341
01:00:14,720 --> 01:00:18,840
Speaker 1: actually don't need my husband. I want him, Yeah, I

1342
01:00:18,920 --> 01:00:21,400
Speaker 1: just really want him to come and help, and that's fine, but.

1343
01:00:21,440 --> 01:00:22,600
Speaker 2: I don't need him.

1344
01:00:23,000 --> 01:00:25,760
Speaker 1: I can get up on my own. And that analogy,

1345
01:00:25,880 --> 01:00:28,280
Speaker 1: I actually got back up on my own. I took

1346
01:00:28,320 --> 01:00:30,400
Speaker 1: deep breaths, and I went back to the photo shoot.

1347
01:00:30,720 --> 01:00:33,280
Speaker 1: Was really the first sign that I think we dismissed

1348
01:00:33,280 --> 01:00:37,120
Speaker 1: the power that we actually carry. And when I realized

1349
01:00:37,120 --> 01:00:40,400
Speaker 1: what that was doing to my mindset in every avenue

1350
01:00:40,480 --> 01:00:41,840
Speaker 1: of my life, I realized, oh.

1351
01:00:41,760 --> 01:00:44,560
Speaker 2: I do turn to people to quote unquote save me.

1352
01:00:44,720 --> 01:00:45,720
Speaker 4: Or give your power away?

1353
01:00:45,840 --> 01:00:47,720
Speaker 2: Yeah, I give my power away exactly.

1354
01:00:48,200 --> 01:00:51,120
Speaker 1: And so now how do I change that? What do

1355
01:00:51,200 --> 01:00:53,120
Speaker 1: I do so I can become the hero of my

1356
01:00:53,200 --> 01:00:56,080
Speaker 1: own life? And that's where my tagline came from. It's like,

1357
01:00:56,160 --> 01:00:57,920
Speaker 1: be the hero of your own life? Is because I

1358
01:00:57,960 --> 01:01:01,160
Speaker 1: realized I was looking outward. I was looking for everyone

1359
01:01:01,200 --> 01:01:03,000
Speaker 1: else to save me. And the truth is, when you're

1360
01:01:03,000 --> 01:01:05,160
Speaker 1: in a moment where you're on the cold floor and

1361
01:01:05,160 --> 01:01:08,040
Speaker 1: there's no one else to save you, what do you do?

1362
01:01:08,080 --> 01:01:10,200
Speaker 3: You know, when you said save, I thought, I always

1363
01:01:10,200 --> 01:01:13,240
Speaker 3: think about it as giving parts of you away. Whenever

1364
01:01:13,280 --> 01:01:16,240
Speaker 3: you do that, because you don't give yourself the opportunity.

1365
01:01:16,440 --> 01:01:18,680
Speaker 3: Just how good you feel when you save someone else

1366
01:01:19,040 --> 01:01:21,880
Speaker 3: is how good you feel when you save yourself. And

1367
01:01:21,920 --> 01:01:26,440
Speaker 3: so like whenever I you know, I noticed myself constantly

1368
01:01:26,440 --> 01:01:29,840
Speaker 3: giving these little powers away to people that I didn't

1369
01:01:29,840 --> 01:01:32,400
Speaker 3: have the confidence to keep for myself or didn't didn't

1370
01:01:32,440 --> 01:01:34,680
Speaker 3: know how to utilize. And so I'd be like, oh, no,

1371
01:01:34,840 --> 01:01:36,800
Speaker 3: you do that for me. Oh no, you're better at

1372
01:01:36,800 --> 01:01:39,640
Speaker 3: this than I am, or you explain this, or I

1373
01:01:40,040 --> 01:01:41,400
Speaker 3: don't know how to say this in the right way

1374
01:01:41,440 --> 01:01:44,520
Speaker 3: about myself. You tell people what I do, the little

1375
01:01:44,560 --> 01:01:46,760
Speaker 3: things that I would do, I would just constantly give

1376
01:01:47,360 --> 01:01:49,600
Speaker 3: or give that power away to the point where you

1377
01:01:49,720 --> 01:01:52,360
Speaker 3: keep giving everything away and you've got nothing left because

1378
01:01:52,400 --> 01:01:55,480
Speaker 3: you've you've constantly just been telling other people that, telling

1379
01:01:55,520 --> 01:01:57,640
Speaker 3: yourself that other people are better at it than you are.

1380
01:01:57,800 --> 01:01:59,440
Speaker 3: I had to start taking that back, not because they

1381
01:01:59,480 --> 01:02:02,320
Speaker 3: were asking, I was freely giving it away. And so

1382
01:02:02,920 --> 01:02:05,280
Speaker 3: you have to realize that when you're saving other people,

1383
01:02:05,320 --> 01:02:08,640
Speaker 3: it feels good, but saving yourself feels it's like nothing else.

1384
01:02:08,760 --> 01:02:13,760
Speaker 3: Constantly doing little things where you are helping yourself, you think.

1385
01:02:13,600 --> 01:02:14,280
Speaker 4: That it feels good.

1386
01:02:14,320 --> 01:02:15,600
Speaker 3: You know, we always think, oh, I wish I was

1387
01:02:15,600 --> 01:02:17,720
Speaker 3: a baby again where someone was doing everything for me.

1388
01:02:18,080 --> 01:02:18,240
Speaker 2: You know.

1389
01:02:18,480 --> 01:02:20,320
Speaker 4: I feel like we always have that feeling of.

1390
01:02:20,480 --> 01:02:23,160
Speaker 3: Oh, you know, get carried around, you know, you get

1391
01:02:23,520 --> 01:02:28,480
Speaker 3: people make food for you. But actually there's no self,

1392
01:02:29,960 --> 01:02:32,360
Speaker 3: there's no choice in that. You actually get tired of

1393
01:02:32,400 --> 01:02:35,040
Speaker 3: other having to rely on other people. And I've been

1394
01:02:35,040 --> 01:02:39,640
Speaker 3: that person where, like you know, friends or I've helped

1395
01:02:39,680 --> 01:02:42,160
Speaker 3: people out in situations where they end up being dependent

1396
01:02:42,200 --> 01:02:44,560
Speaker 3: on me in that way, and I've realized that actually

1397
01:02:44,600 --> 01:02:46,640
Speaker 3: doesn't make them feel good. They don't want to have

1398
01:02:46,680 --> 01:02:50,960
Speaker 3: to ask me if it's for bailing them out of something,

1399
01:02:51,000 --> 01:02:53,280
Speaker 3: if it's for money, if it's for whatever it is. Like,

1400
01:02:53,680 --> 01:02:56,120
Speaker 3: no one wants to actually be saved. They want to

1401
01:02:56,160 --> 01:02:59,200
Speaker 3: save themselves. But when you end up asking someone else

1402
01:02:59,200 --> 01:03:01,240
Speaker 3: to save you, you actually you don't feel great. It doesn't

1403
01:03:01,280 --> 01:03:03,320
Speaker 3: make you feel good about yourself. You think it's nice

1404
01:03:03,360 --> 01:03:06,160
Speaker 3: having someone looking after you until you realize what it

1405
01:03:06,160 --> 01:03:08,560
Speaker 3: actually means. If that's happening over and over again, and

1406
01:03:08,600 --> 01:03:11,240
Speaker 3: you just feel helpless and you never want to feel helpless,

1407
01:03:11,360 --> 01:03:12,240
Speaker 3: that's so true.

1408
01:03:12,320 --> 01:03:14,880
Speaker 1: I love the analogy of like, when you help someone,

1409
01:03:15,000 --> 01:03:17,680
Speaker 1: how do you feel? Now, imagine how you're making yourself

1410
01:03:17,680 --> 01:03:21,520
Speaker 1: feel that's really powerful, and then just thinking through how

1411
01:03:21,560 --> 01:03:24,760
Speaker 1: it starts to spread in areas that we don't realize

1412
01:03:25,080 --> 01:03:27,680
Speaker 1: right because right now, the example I gave was looking

1413
01:03:27,760 --> 01:03:31,200
Speaker 1: to my husband, But the real thing that I ended

1414
01:03:31,280 --> 01:03:34,680
Speaker 1: up realizing was I was turning to the doctors to

1415
01:03:34,720 --> 01:03:36,720
Speaker 1: save me. I literally was like, give me a pill

1416
01:03:37,000 --> 01:03:40,200
Speaker 1: like you give yourself. And that's when I realized you

1417
01:03:40,240 --> 01:03:41,640
Speaker 1: can't outsource your health.

1418
01:03:41,760 --> 01:03:44,160
Speaker 4: You can't outsource someone else understanding you better than you.

1419
01:03:44,360 --> 01:03:45,240
Speaker 2: Yeah, what you need.

1420
01:03:45,400 --> 01:03:48,080
Speaker 1: Yes, I literally was turning to doctors being like, what's

1421
01:03:48,120 --> 01:03:54,160
Speaker 1: wrong with my body instead of sitting still and asking myself,

1422
01:03:54,640 --> 01:03:55,720
Speaker 1: where do I feel pain?

1423
01:03:56,400 --> 01:03:59,280
Speaker 2: Yeah? What do I need? Like hands on my heart?

1424
01:03:59,400 --> 01:04:01,919
Speaker 2: Compassion and what can I give you right now?

1425
01:04:02,200 --> 01:04:06,200
Speaker 1: And sometimes the answer was like just sit still, yeah, exactly,

1426
01:04:06,920 --> 01:04:10,520
Speaker 1: you know, And it's nothing about yeah, stop like you know,

1427
01:04:10,600 --> 01:04:15,840
Speaker 1: being busy, Like just sit still and then being around

1428
01:04:15,920 --> 01:04:19,320
Speaker 1: people that you can open your heart to to listen

1429
01:04:19,360 --> 01:04:22,560
Speaker 1: to things and then see what's right for you, because

1430
01:04:22,760 --> 01:04:24,680
Speaker 1: you know, are you going to get a thousand people

1431
01:04:24,720 --> 01:04:28,280
Speaker 1: giving you advice, whether it's about your career, about a relationship,

1432
01:04:28,520 --> 01:04:31,120
Speaker 1: about your health. Those are probably the three things that

1433
01:04:31,400 --> 01:04:34,480
Speaker 1: people always feel like they've got an opinion definitely in

1434
01:04:34,520 --> 01:04:37,800
Speaker 1: your life and a vote, And those are the things

1435
01:04:37,840 --> 01:04:39,959
Speaker 1: that I'm like, no, I need to just get still

1436
01:04:40,080 --> 01:04:43,160
Speaker 1: enough to figure out what's right with me. And like

1437
01:04:43,480 --> 01:04:46,400
Speaker 1: Tom was the same my dad when he met Tom.

1438
01:04:46,480 --> 01:04:50,040
Speaker 1: Because I'm Greek Orthodox and Tom isn't and he's American

1439
01:04:50,080 --> 01:04:52,160
Speaker 1: and things like that, my dad was like, no, how

1440
01:04:52,200 --> 01:04:53,160
Speaker 1: is he going to support you?

1441
01:04:53,360 --> 01:04:54,400
Speaker 2: How is he going you know?

1442
01:04:54,560 --> 01:04:57,240
Speaker 1: And so it was my dad that was trying to

1443
01:04:57,280 --> 01:04:59,880
Speaker 1: make the decision for me, and I had to realize, like, no,

1444
01:05:00,200 --> 01:05:03,080
Speaker 1: it's my decision to make, and I'm the one that

1445
01:05:03,160 --> 01:05:07,200
Speaker 1: has to live with the consequences on you know whatever

1446
01:05:07,240 --> 01:05:08,720
Speaker 1: that looks like, either good or bad.

1447
01:05:08,800 --> 01:05:10,320
Speaker 2: But it has to be my decision.

1448
01:05:10,600 --> 01:05:13,400
Speaker 1: I can't let someone else make the decision for me,

1449
01:05:13,480 --> 01:05:15,680
Speaker 1: because then to your point, just going back to you're

1450
01:05:15,680 --> 01:05:18,200
Speaker 1: giving your power away and then what happens when it

1451
01:05:18,240 --> 01:05:18,840
Speaker 1: doesn't work?

1452
01:05:19,080 --> 01:05:20,560
Speaker 2: You blame them?

1453
01:05:20,880 --> 01:05:22,880
Speaker 4: No, No, it's so true.

1454
01:05:23,160 --> 01:05:25,880
Speaker 3: Now, this book, like Radical Confidence, how long did it

1455
01:05:25,920 --> 01:05:27,880
Speaker 3: take you to write Holley, Yeah, it's.

1456
01:05:27,720 --> 01:05:28,240
Speaker 4: Been a year.

1457
01:05:29,040 --> 01:05:32,320
Speaker 3: It's filled with so much, but essentially it feels like

1458
01:05:32,400 --> 01:05:35,400
Speaker 3: it's ten incredible steps to get you from a place

1459
01:05:35,480 --> 01:05:38,840
Speaker 3: of not feeling so confident and then feeling like your

1460
01:05:38,880 --> 01:05:41,800
Speaker 3: beast self, like feeling like you're wonder woman.

1461
01:05:42,480 --> 01:05:45,000
Speaker 4: Wonder woman is right, yeah, a wonder woman.

1462
01:05:45,040 --> 01:05:47,520
Speaker 3: And honestly, guys, like I feel like this podcast has

1463
01:05:47,520 --> 01:05:50,520
Speaker 3: helped me so much, you mean, just unreflecting and reflecting

1464
01:05:50,560 --> 01:05:53,800
Speaker 3: on myself but also understanding areas that I want to

1465
01:05:53,800 --> 01:05:55,960
Speaker 3: work on and build confidence. So thank you so much

1466
01:05:56,000 --> 01:05:58,360
Speaker 3: for that. Everyone go out and get this boat, because

1467
01:05:58,400 --> 01:06:01,120
Speaker 3: it honestly is it's an incredible incredible book, and just

1468
01:06:01,160 --> 01:06:04,320
Speaker 3: hearing you speak over the past years on your podcast

1469
01:06:04,440 --> 01:06:07,560
Speaker 3: has been really helpful and you've helped me so much

1470
01:06:07,560 --> 01:06:08,760
Speaker 3: in my life, so thank you for that.

1471
01:06:08,800 --> 01:06:12,240
Speaker 4: I have last a final few questions I ask you. Okay,

1472
01:06:12,680 --> 01:06:14,200
Speaker 4: we's like rapid fire, Yeah, a little.

1473
01:06:14,640 --> 01:06:17,280
Speaker 2: I'm not very good at rapid fire though I wasn't either.

1474
01:06:18,600 --> 01:06:20,520
Speaker 2: I I think I heard you on Jay's or something.

1475
01:06:20,600 --> 01:06:23,640
Speaker 4: Yeah. I can't decide what books are you currently reading

1476
01:06:23,880 --> 01:06:24,120
Speaker 4: or well?

1477
01:06:24,160 --> 01:06:25,960
Speaker 2: I just started The Body Keeps the Score.

1478
01:06:26,080 --> 01:06:27,840
Speaker 3: Great, that sounds like a good book. Actually, I need

1479
01:06:27,840 --> 01:06:30,440
Speaker 3: to go get that. When was the last time you cried?

1480
01:06:31,200 --> 01:06:31,400
Speaker 2: Oh?

1481
01:06:31,600 --> 01:06:35,960
Speaker 1: Okay, so I went for like twenty years without crying.

1482
01:06:36,200 --> 01:06:37,640
Speaker 4: Oh my gosh, twenty years.

1483
01:06:37,720 --> 01:06:37,919
Speaker 1: Yeah.

1484
01:06:38,080 --> 01:06:38,280
Speaker 2: Wow.

1485
01:06:38,440 --> 01:06:41,400
Speaker 1: It stems from a memory of fifteen year old me.

1486
01:06:41,600 --> 01:06:43,400
Speaker 1: I'm the youngest in the family. I went to a

1487
01:06:43,440 --> 01:06:45,920
Speaker 1: funeral and every single person in the church was crying.

1488
01:06:46,240 --> 01:06:48,000
Speaker 1: And I remember that moment where I said, well, if

1489
01:06:48,040 --> 01:06:50,440
Speaker 1: everyone else is crying, who's going to be strong for them? Yes,

1490
01:06:50,640 --> 01:06:53,280
Speaker 1: And that was the moment that I told myself, Okay,

1491
01:06:53,320 --> 01:06:55,720
Speaker 1: you can't cry because you'll make other people feel badly.

1492
01:06:56,200 --> 01:06:59,440
Speaker 1: So but in my evolution now I'm actually really working

1493
01:06:59,440 --> 01:07:02,920
Speaker 1: on like can open that freaking damn. And so the

1494
01:07:03,040 --> 01:07:06,720
Speaker 1: last time I cried it was oh god. It literally

1495
01:07:06,760 --> 01:07:09,840
Speaker 1: was very recently. Give me a second. I was interviewing

1496
01:07:09,880 --> 01:07:12,400
Speaker 1: Mindy Pell's the health doctor, and we were doing an

1497
01:07:12,440 --> 01:07:14,800
Speaker 1: IG live Togein and she's helping me with my hormones

1498
01:07:14,880 --> 01:07:17,280
Speaker 1: as I'm like changing and aging and my gut and everything.

1499
01:07:18,200 --> 01:07:21,520
Speaker 1: And on the IG live she turned around and she said, hey,

1500
01:07:21,560 --> 01:07:23,400
Speaker 1: you know you've got problems with your liver. Liver is

1501
01:07:23,440 --> 01:07:26,160
Speaker 1: a sign of anger. And so she's like, who you

1502
01:07:26,200 --> 01:07:28,120
Speaker 1: have to think about? Who you have to forgive or

1503
01:07:28,120 --> 01:07:30,320
Speaker 1: who you need to forgive? And I was like, huh,

1504
01:07:30,360 --> 01:07:32,240
Speaker 1: who do I need to forgive? And she goes and Lisa,

1505
01:07:32,280 --> 01:07:33,280
Speaker 1: I think it's yourself.

1506
01:07:34,160 --> 01:07:39,440
Speaker 2: Oh wow, and I just fucking broke. I just broke.

1507
01:07:40,000 --> 01:07:43,680
Speaker 1: And I was like I didn't see it coming. I

1508
01:07:43,720 --> 01:07:47,640
Speaker 1: didn't think about it. And I was like, wow, how

1509
01:07:47,800 --> 01:07:51,840
Speaker 1: much how many of us need to actually the things

1510
01:07:51,880 --> 01:07:52,439
Speaker 1: that we've done?

1511
01:07:52,520 --> 01:07:56,840
Speaker 3: Yeah, thank you for sharing that. What's a question you like?

1512
01:07:57,200 --> 01:07:59,320
Speaker 3: What's a question you don't like being asked?

1513
01:07:59,880 --> 01:08:02,560
Speaker 1: I don't think I have anything because I am so

1514
01:08:04,000 --> 01:08:07,440
Speaker 1: aligned with my purpose that if someone asks me a question,

1515
01:08:07,720 --> 01:08:10,160
Speaker 1: I truly believe it's because they need to know.

1516
01:08:10,160 --> 01:08:11,720
Speaker 2: The answer to help themselves.

1517
01:08:12,000 --> 01:08:15,720
Speaker 4: That's a good answer. Oh, what we're talking about insecurities

1518
01:08:15,880 --> 01:08:16,080
Speaker 4: in this.

1519
01:08:16,240 --> 01:08:17,880
Speaker 3: You don't have to share this, but how have you

1520
01:08:17,920 --> 01:08:21,320
Speaker 3: found your insecurities have changed from what was your insecurity

1521
01:08:21,320 --> 01:08:23,400
Speaker 3: when you were fifteen? And what would you say? Your

1522
01:08:23,400 --> 01:08:25,360
Speaker 3: biggest insecurity right now is okay.

1523
01:08:25,439 --> 01:08:29,599
Speaker 1: My insecurity when I was fifteen is I'm completely ugly,

1524
01:08:29,720 --> 01:08:31,600
Speaker 1: no one's ever going to like me or love me.

1525
01:08:32,280 --> 01:08:36,800
Speaker 1: And my insecurity now is I'm aging and the symptoms

1526
01:08:36,800 --> 01:08:40,800
Speaker 1: of aging and perimenopause are becoming very real. So I'm

1527
01:08:40,840 --> 01:08:45,080
Speaker 1: becoming forgetful. I'm forgetting words like I am. My brain

1528
01:08:45,160 --> 01:08:48,760
Speaker 1: function isn't as optimized as it usually is, and because

1529
01:08:48,800 --> 01:08:51,760
Speaker 1: I pride myself on my brain, it's like it's really

1530
01:08:51,840 --> 01:08:55,439
Speaker 1: denting my confidence. But I'm reminding myself that it is

1531
01:08:55,479 --> 01:08:57,800
Speaker 1: a natural thing that every woman goes through. So I'm

1532
01:08:58,040 --> 01:09:01,719
Speaker 1: actively working on it because I will never stop at

1533
01:09:02,240 --> 01:09:04,720
Speaker 1: I don't have confidence and so therefore I won't do it.

1534
01:09:04,840 --> 01:09:07,960
Speaker 4: Yes, thank you, thank you for all those answers. Thank

1535
01:09:07,960 --> 01:09:09,800
Speaker 4: you for being here. It was so great and can't

1536
01:09:09,800 --> 01:09:10,679
Speaker 4: wait to have you on again.

1537
01:09:10,720 --> 01:09:15,800
Speaker 1: Oh my god, I am so proud and excited and

1538
01:09:16,040 --> 01:09:17,280
Speaker 1: honored to be on your show.

1539
01:09:17,680 --> 01:09:18,960
Speaker 2: And I really.

1540
01:09:18,720 --> 01:09:22,200
Speaker 1: Think people need to see your entire life and how

1541
01:09:22,240 --> 01:09:26,720
Speaker 1: you've gotten to this point, because they wouldn't believe that

1542
01:09:27,200 --> 01:09:31,479
Speaker 1: it was possible, And if they can see you do it,

1543
01:09:31,760 --> 01:09:34,120
Speaker 1: then I hopefully it can change their lives and they.

1544
01:09:34,040 --> 01:09:35,320
Speaker 4: Can do it too. Oh.

1545
01:09:35,360 --> 01:09:37,160
Speaker 3: You know one thing I wanted to add, Actually I

1546
01:09:37,200 --> 01:09:39,600
Speaker 3: was going to ask this earlier, but one symptom that

1547
01:09:39,680 --> 01:09:42,640
Speaker 3: I've noticed of confidence, which I felt in you, is

1548
01:09:42,640 --> 01:09:45,920
Speaker 3: the ability to hype other women up and to be

1549
01:09:45,960 --> 01:09:50,080
Speaker 3: able to compliment others so so openly and easily, like

1550
01:09:50,200 --> 01:09:53,040
Speaker 3: compliments just flow out of you. And I actually noticed

1551
01:09:53,080 --> 01:09:56,240
Speaker 3: like as I was trying to be more confident in myself,

1552
01:09:56,720 --> 01:09:59,160
Speaker 3: I felt I was able to do that way like

1553
01:09:59,479 --> 01:10:04,559
Speaker 3: much more more easily and actually feel genuine felt like

1554
01:10:04,560 --> 01:10:06,800
Speaker 3: I wanted to genuinely compliment others when I was feeling

1555
01:10:06,800 --> 01:10:09,200
Speaker 3: more confident in myself. And so I'd say I definitely

1556
01:10:09,240 --> 01:10:10,760
Speaker 3: saw that in you when I first met you. You

1557
01:10:10,880 --> 01:10:15,080
Speaker 3: hype people up so much, and I think confidence, true

1558
01:10:15,080 --> 01:10:18,080
Speaker 3: confidence is your ability to be able to flow out

1559
01:10:18,160 --> 01:10:19,560
Speaker 3: compliments of others.

1560
01:10:19,280 --> 01:10:21,120
Speaker 4: And truly feel it and mean it. So I just

1561
01:10:21,120 --> 01:10:22,680
Speaker 4: want to add that because I really think you do

1562
01:10:22,760 --> 01:10:23,240
Speaker 4: that so well.

1563
01:10:23,560 --> 01:10:24,519
Speaker 2: I love you so much.

1564
01:10:24,680 --> 01:10:24,720
Speaker 4: You