WEBVTT - Ep. 1 The First Pour 0:00:02.960 --> 0:00:06.359 Wine Down with Jane Kramer and I hear a radio podcast. 0:00:10.360 --> 0:00:14.000 Hey guys, what's up. It's Jane Kramer and it's The 0:00:14.080 --> 0:00:17.159 Wine Down. Oh my goodness, I'm so excited. I've been 0:00:17.200 --> 0:00:20.840 wanting to do a podcast for years. And UM, I 0:00:20.880 --> 0:00:24.720 think for those of you that don't know who I am, Um, 0:00:24.760 --> 0:00:26.439 I get ten minutes to tell you who that is. 0:00:27.920 --> 0:00:29.760 I think I need a little bit more than ten minutes. 0:00:30.200 --> 0:00:33.440 But UM, to start, I'm a mom. I have a 0:00:33.479 --> 0:00:37.159 beautiful two year old daughter. Her name is Jolie, and 0:00:37.240 --> 0:00:39.600 she's the love of my life and she's the reason 0:00:39.640 --> 0:00:48.360 why I do everything. Um, I'm married, and I say 0:00:48.360 --> 0:00:51.839 that with caution because, um, you know, my life is 0:00:51.880 --> 0:00:55.280 extremely public and it's been it's been a crazy journey 0:00:55.320 --> 0:00:58.560 because I have I've I've had a couple of marriages 0:00:58.600 --> 0:01:01.080 under my belt. Um, but I wouldn't really call the marriages. 0:01:01.080 --> 0:01:06.120 I would call them glimpses of things because one I 0:01:06.160 --> 0:01:08.240 met when I was nineteen and then we went to Vegas. 0:01:08.520 --> 0:01:10.319 The other one I was only married to for a 0:01:10.360 --> 0:01:14.080 week and now he's my best friend. And um, you know, 0:01:14.120 --> 0:01:16.200 now I'm married and we've been married for it'll be 0:01:16.240 --> 0:01:20.040 three years. In may happily a couple of months. But um, 0:01:20.080 --> 0:01:22.000 that's besides the point and we'll talk about that later. 0:01:22.080 --> 0:01:25.920 But um, wait a minute, did you just say you 0:01:25.959 --> 0:01:29.080 were married to somebody for a week? Yeah? How did 0:01:29.160 --> 0:01:32.479 you get divorced so fast? No? Okay, Well here's the deal. 0:01:32.880 --> 0:01:35.760 We were. He's not my best friend, which is the 0:01:35.840 --> 0:01:37.920 funniest part of all of it. His wife is like 0:01:37.959 --> 0:01:40.520 truly my my best friend here in l A. Um 0:01:40.640 --> 0:01:44.759 and I we have like weekly dinner family parties. Um, 0:01:44.800 --> 0:01:48.120 but we were. We were dating for three years and 0:01:48.160 --> 0:01:52.480 then he was fourteen years older than me. Um, in 0:01:52.520 --> 0:01:54.680 the age wasn't an issue. But what the issue was 0:01:54.760 --> 0:01:56.920 is we were just I was going right, he was 0:01:56.960 --> 0:02:01.600 going left. And but as I'm such like a love 0:02:01.680 --> 0:02:04.440 addict at the core, I just I always wanted to 0:02:04.680 --> 0:02:08.040 please him. And um, but you know my dream I 0:02:08.080 --> 0:02:09.960 was I was going to Nashville. He was here in 0:02:10.080 --> 0:02:13.440 l A. And um, I was just finishing one tree hill. 0:02:13.560 --> 0:02:15.359 Long story short, it was just one of those things 0:02:15.400 --> 0:02:17.040 where I walked on the aisle and was like, I 0:02:17.080 --> 0:02:20.560 don't want to be married to this man. Oh no, wait, 0:02:20.680 --> 0:02:23.040 was it a full on wedding with the wedding the 0:02:23.080 --> 0:02:26.000 wedding and everything. Yeah, it was the whole. I mean, 0:02:27.080 --> 0:02:28.520 so what we say is we laugh and we say 0:02:28.520 --> 0:02:30.960 we had a beautiful party. We were not married. Married 0:02:31.000 --> 0:02:32.520 to me is like what I'm in now, Like we 0:02:32.560 --> 0:02:34.400 are like in it, you know what I mean, Like 0:02:34.440 --> 0:02:38.239 we're fighting for it. We have a child, like we're 0:02:38.240 --> 0:02:40.720 working on our marriage. To me, that's marriage, not just 0:02:40.800 --> 0:02:43.359 like a wedding. And so I think I've only been 0:02:43.600 --> 0:02:46.240 like for me, I've only been married once but on 0:02:46.320 --> 0:02:50.480 paper three. But let's go back, let's go back to 0:02:50.560 --> 0:02:53.000 the one week marriage, but one like marriage. You when 0:02:53.000 --> 0:02:55.919 did you decide you needed to get a divorce the 0:02:56.000 --> 0:02:57.720 day I married him? The day you married him? So 0:02:57.840 --> 0:03:00.320 you guys didn't go on the honeymoon, you didn't, Well 0:03:00.360 --> 0:03:03.520 we went up north after because we got married up 0:03:03.560 --> 0:03:06.480 North Michigan. Um, but I just I knew. I actually 0:03:06.520 --> 0:03:08.800 called the wedding off two weeks before. But then I 0:03:08.840 --> 0:03:11.720 was like, well, we have like an okay exclusive and 0:03:12.360 --> 0:03:17.679 you know, I don't want to ruin people's plans. So 0:03:17.880 --> 0:03:20.960 I was just like, you know, well maybe maybe like 0:03:21.000 --> 0:03:23.680 maybe i'll feel something different, Like maybe I'll walk down 0:03:23.720 --> 0:03:27.040 the aisle and I'll feel something different. But I knew 0:03:27.160 --> 0:03:28.880 that if I stayed married him, we'd have kids and 0:03:28.880 --> 0:03:30.400 then we'd end up divorce, and I was like, I 0:03:30.480 --> 0:03:33.440 don't want, Like I grew up in a divorce family 0:03:33.480 --> 0:03:36.440 and for me personally, like I just knew, like if 0:03:36.480 --> 0:03:38.280 I knew walking down the aisles shouldn't be married to 0:03:38.320 --> 0:03:42.680 this man, I should divorce him now absolutely, And it 0:03:42.760 --> 0:03:44.680 was like the greatest thing that ever happened, because now 0:03:44.720 --> 0:03:47.760 he's married to this amazing girl named Julie and they 0:03:47.760 --> 0:03:49.960 have a beautiful son, and Camden and Jolie are like 0:03:50.040 --> 0:03:52.680 besties and now we all hang out. I was just 0:03:52.720 --> 0:03:54.480 texting with her there in Hawaii right now, and they're 0:03:54.480 --> 0:03:57.000 coming back and then we're having dinner tomorrow night. That's 0:03:59.000 --> 0:04:01.200 and he's an actor John with and Check, so he 0:04:01.440 --> 0:04:03.600 um and he's he's like my acting coach too, so 0:04:03.640 --> 0:04:07.080 whenever I have auditions he helps me. And yeah, did 0:04:07.080 --> 0:04:08.760 you ever feel like you wanted to be the runaway 0:04:08.800 --> 0:04:11.760 bride where you just didn't show up? Oh? Yeah, totally. 0:04:11.800 --> 0:04:14.200 But I couldn't do it. I just felt so bad 0:04:14.240 --> 0:04:17.240 for people like I wanted to, like because I wanted 0:04:17.240 --> 0:04:19.039 to have that beautiful day. I wanted to be in 0:04:19.080 --> 0:04:21.800 love with him. It's a thing I like every part 0:04:21.800 --> 0:04:23.800 of me, like was just like because I did, I 0:04:23.839 --> 0:04:25.840 do love like I still I love John. I think 0:04:25.839 --> 0:04:28.160 he's a great guy. Would we have ever worked? No, 0:04:29.279 --> 0:04:32.440 like not at all. Okay, So we're his parents, both 0:04:32.480 --> 0:04:35.159 of his parents there? Yeah, and your parents ever? Everyone 0:04:35.200 --> 0:04:38.000 was there, and girl, it was beau. It was a 0:04:38.040 --> 0:04:42.120 beautiful wedding. Did your parents know? No? No? What about 0:04:42.160 --> 0:04:46.159 his parents? His dad and I never really got along. 0:04:46.720 --> 0:04:49.880 He's like real old school, like cop and I was 0:04:49.920 --> 0:04:52.440 like this little young little like name to marry your son. 0:04:53.200 --> 0:04:55.480 He's like, what is my He probably thought his son 0:04:55.560 --> 0:04:57.800 was going through a midlife crisis, honestly because I was 0:04:57.800 --> 0:04:59.640 like twenty six and he was in his forties. So 0:05:01.040 --> 0:05:04.039 and what about the mom? Oh, she's like they're great, 0:05:04.160 --> 0:05:07.359 They're awesome, and you know they still I mean I 0:05:07.400 --> 0:05:10.560 have not seen them since the wedding. Every time I like, 0:05:10.720 --> 0:05:12.440 I know they're in town right now. So I texted 0:05:12.520 --> 0:05:13.960 Julie and I was like, Hey, does Jolie want to 0:05:13.960 --> 0:05:16.120 play with Camden? But I don't think they want to 0:05:16.120 --> 0:05:19.680 see me, so that we're not cool yet. But Julie, 0:05:19.720 --> 0:05:22.040 John and I are great Okay, And how long has 0:05:22.040 --> 0:05:27.640 it been? So it's been almost eight years? Wow? But 0:05:27.720 --> 0:05:30.200 I mean like again, like we weren't like, yes, we 0:05:30.200 --> 0:05:32.719 we were. We dated for three years and what was 0:05:32.720 --> 0:05:35.400 it like then? So back and forth because he had 0:05:35.400 --> 0:05:39.400 just gotten divorced from Christina appligate. Oh my god, he 0:05:39.600 --> 0:05:43.280 called me Christina so many times? Do it in bed? 0:05:44.000 --> 0:05:48.160 Not in bed? Not in bed? No? But maybe like 0:05:48.240 --> 0:05:50.200 I don't, like I don't remember that, but no, he 0:05:50.480 --> 0:05:52.320 would call me sometimes I would just be and I 0:05:52.360 --> 0:05:55.400 think I always wanted to be better than her, like 0:05:55.440 --> 0:05:57.719 I wanted to be like because he was so hurt 0:05:57.760 --> 0:06:01.200 from that relationship. Did she end it with him? Yeah, 0:06:01.400 --> 0:06:04.839 So that's tough when you were rebound for him. He 0:06:04.960 --> 0:06:08.120 had plenty of rebounds before me. But and you was 0:06:08.200 --> 0:06:11.840 like his first girlfriend after Christina, and you feel like 0:06:11.880 --> 0:06:15.520 you two were codependent on each other. No, I he was. 0:06:15.680 --> 0:06:18.159 He like didn't want me at all in the beginning, 0:06:18.400 --> 0:06:21.719 but I like forced myself on him, like because we 0:06:21.800 --> 0:06:24.000 did a movie together called prom Night, and I was like, 0:06:24.040 --> 0:06:26.240 oh my god, that's the guy from that thing you do. 0:06:26.400 --> 0:06:30.360 He's so hot and um, and then we hung out 0:06:30.480 --> 0:06:32.040 and then he's just like, you're too young, and I 0:06:32.080 --> 0:06:35.080 was like, no, I'm not immature, I swear, and and 0:06:35.120 --> 0:06:36.640 then it was just one of those things where I 0:06:36.760 --> 0:06:40.440 just I kept wanting his love and attention and affection. 0:06:40.520 --> 0:06:42.839 And that's like what a love addict is, Okay, And 0:06:43.279 --> 0:06:46.480 so what was the relationship? Like how much time did 0:06:46.560 --> 0:06:49.599 you spend another like that? I mean three years? We 0:06:49.720 --> 0:06:54.719 probably were together like a year, like two years? And 0:06:54.760 --> 0:06:56.800 did you break up a lot? Yeah? We broke up 0:06:56.800 --> 0:06:59.240 a lot because he would there really like oh him 0:06:59.279 --> 0:07:02.400 all the time, and I beIN, please, why don't you 0:07:02.440 --> 0:07:04.840 want to be with me? Um? He just didn't want 0:07:04.839 --> 0:07:07.279 a girlfriend. He's like, I'm just I'm not ready. So 0:07:07.400 --> 0:07:10.160 and I just waited and stayed and passed so many 0:07:10.240 --> 0:07:12.800 like and every time I got in a good relationship 0:07:12.800 --> 0:07:14.520 with someone, he'd always come back. And then I'd of 0:07:14.600 --> 0:07:17.200 course break up with that person and date him and 0:07:17.280 --> 0:07:19.840 date him. And then when he was ready to commit 0:07:19.920 --> 0:07:24.560 to you, that was when you were like, I know, 0:07:25.680 --> 0:07:29.960 but it was because we had different Um, we were 0:07:29.960 --> 0:07:32.040 just so we were too different at that point. Okay, 0:07:32.080 --> 0:07:35.520 but your best friends, but just too different so we 0:07:35.520 --> 0:07:37.400 couldn't be married. Now I know, people are like, well, 0:07:37.440 --> 0:07:39.720 you guys are best friends, like why wouldn't you guys work? 0:07:40.160 --> 0:07:43.559 Because him and Julie work, like she can handle his stuff. 0:07:43.560 --> 0:07:46.080 There's certain things as a wife that I could not 0:07:46.160 --> 0:07:49.520 handle that he does. That makes sense. I understand that. 0:07:50.600 --> 0:07:54.760 Like he's you know, he's really really really actory. And 0:07:54.800 --> 0:07:58.240 sometimes I'm like, can you just like stop and just 0:07:58.280 --> 0:08:02.280 because he needs the attention? Does he? I mean, like, 0:08:02.320 --> 0:08:04.600 I know, I like attention. I know, I mean all 0:08:04.640 --> 0:08:07.560 actors like attention. But it's just it's yeah, and there 0:08:07.640 --> 0:08:09.440 is a dark side too, and you know it's it's heavy, 0:08:09.480 --> 0:08:11.640 and it's like I like more of the light with 0:08:11.760 --> 0:08:14.920 the heavy and sometimes like and Julie can balance it 0:08:15.040 --> 0:08:17.560 so well, like I support it supported and I would 0:08:17.600 --> 0:08:19.760 be like, like he he would write a script and 0:08:19.800 --> 0:08:22.160 I'd be like, that's awful, and that's not a supportive wife, 0:08:22.320 --> 0:08:25.200 you know, but I didn't. It's an honest one, yeah, 0:08:25.240 --> 0:08:28.040 but it's not a nice one. And Julie like supports 0:08:28.120 --> 0:08:32.880 his like thoughts and ideas well. That makes sense? And 0:08:32.920 --> 0:08:37.280 what about now? What about? Now? What about now? Me? 0:08:38.559 --> 0:08:41.760 Do you like still consider yourself a love addict? I 0:08:41.840 --> 0:08:45.280 can I have always be a love addict. I just 0:08:45.400 --> 0:08:47.360 I love because and you have to be careful with 0:08:47.400 --> 0:08:49.760 that because it's like, you know, there's times when you 0:08:49.800 --> 0:08:51.720 know my husband and I are good, and it's like 0:08:51.800 --> 0:08:54.480 you have to really hone in on that love addiction 0:08:54.520 --> 0:08:57.160 because you don't want to find it somewhere else. You 0:08:57.200 --> 0:08:59.800 gotta keep finding it in the relationship, right, And do 0:08:59.840 --> 0:09:04.800 you think about that sometimes? If you guys are right, No, 0:09:05.080 --> 0:09:08.440 I think I think everyone has like healthy fantasies. Yeah, 0:09:08.480 --> 0:09:10.240 but I would I'd probably never admit that to him, 0:09:10.280 --> 0:09:13.160 But now that he's probably hearing this, now he knows, 0:09:13.760 --> 0:09:17.960 he knows. No. I mean, I think it's that's a 0:09:18.040 --> 0:09:22.520 tough question because I would be mad at him for 0:09:22.559 --> 0:09:28.760 having those fantasies, right, So I shouldn't either. But sometimes 0:09:28.760 --> 0:09:31.920 I fantasize about being divorced and having the house to myself. 0:09:32.320 --> 0:09:34.640 And that's why my fantasy not about being with someone else. 0:09:34.679 --> 0:09:39.679 It's about being alone, having space, space, just being like 0:09:40.400 --> 0:09:47.440 left alone for a day a Wednesday, every Wednesday, every Wednesday. 0:09:47.520 --> 0:09:50.440 Does he does he demand a lot? Does he know 0:09:50.640 --> 0:09:54.080 my husband is he's great? I mean, obviously it's very public. 0:09:54.559 --> 0:09:58.840 Our our our separation was extremely public. And his stuff, 0:09:59.120 --> 0:10:03.360 which you know, well, I'll talk about later in in podcast. History, 0:10:03.400 --> 0:10:07.120 but um, we're working on it. And that's the thing. 0:10:07.160 --> 0:10:12.200 Like marriage is, whether there's infidelity, whether there's um issues 0:10:12.240 --> 0:10:14.880 in the marriage, you always have to work on it. Yes, 0:10:15.080 --> 0:10:17.600 I think someone that has a perfect marriage I call 0:10:17.800 --> 0:10:20.319 BS two right away absolutely because you have to grow. 0:10:20.400 --> 0:10:22.160 That means that you're actually not working on your marriage 0:10:22.240 --> 0:10:25.920 then to me personally, right because you're not growing, you 0:10:26.000 --> 0:10:28.920 have to grow together and the people that don't grow together, like, 0:10:28.960 --> 0:10:31.000 we're both willing to work. That's the thing. I'm willing 0:10:31.040 --> 0:10:33.000 to work. He's willing to work. That's what's making this 0:10:33.080 --> 0:10:39.240 relationship not end catastrophically. Yet you go to therapy so 0:10:39.320 --> 0:10:41.640 much therapy, but I love therapy. I think it's great. 0:10:41.760 --> 0:10:45.200 Do you do individual and marriage individual marriage And he's 0:10:45.200 --> 0:10:47.400 got his whole in his own thing that he goes 0:10:47.400 --> 0:10:50.120 to as well. So it's it's both of us. You know, 0:10:50.240 --> 0:10:52.719 you actively working in the marriage. You guys are in it. 0:10:53.000 --> 0:10:55.400 You guys are really putting the work. It's tough. I 0:10:55.440 --> 0:10:58.840 mean sometimes, like after couples therapy, it's really close to 0:10:58.880 --> 0:11:00.520 our house, so a lot of the times I walk 0:11:00.559 --> 0:11:03.719 home just because I just need like a minute. It's 0:11:03.760 --> 0:11:06.360 tough because you're talking about things. It's like, yeah, I 0:11:06.360 --> 0:11:08.640 wish it was a complete fairy tale and perfect, but 0:11:08.720 --> 0:11:10.720 it's not. But at the end of the day, like 0:11:10.760 --> 0:11:13.120 it could be. If you really truly work on it 0:11:13.160 --> 0:11:15.200 and both partners are willing to work on it, then 0:11:15.960 --> 0:11:21.040 you could have a beautiful relationship. I love that. So 0:11:21.120 --> 0:11:24.160 here's the deal. I need as much help as all 0:11:24.200 --> 0:11:27.560 of you guys do, and I'm I'm constantly on my 0:11:27.679 --> 0:11:30.720 comments looking at what you guys want and what I 0:11:30.760 --> 0:11:33.720 need to is. So I'm gonna have not only celebrity 0:11:33.760 --> 0:11:35.680 moms on here. I'm gonna have life coaches. I'm going 0:11:35.720 --> 0:11:39.359 to have sex experts. I'm gonna have a marriage therapist 0:11:39.400 --> 0:11:41.480 because I know we all need some help. I know 0:11:41.600 --> 0:11:46.000 I do. Caroline's wisen um. She is a life coach 0:11:46.240 --> 0:11:49.640 um works with mom issues, relationship issues, or even just 0:11:49.720 --> 0:11:54.320 life and you can find her at Caroline's Wicksen dot com. Caroline, Hi, Hi, 0:11:54.360 --> 0:11:57.720 how are you. I'm good? How are you? I'm doing great? 0:11:57.840 --> 0:12:00.840 Thank you? So can you tell our listeners, um, just 0:12:00.880 --> 0:12:05.839 a little bit about you your background? Yeah? Absolutely so. Um, 0:12:05.880 --> 0:12:08.960 I'm a women's someone will help and life coach. Um. 0:12:09.040 --> 0:12:12.760 I'm really passionate about you. Know, connecting, connecting to two um. 0:12:12.760 --> 0:12:15.000 And my background is in psychology, so I have also 0:12:15.000 --> 0:12:18.000 have a master's in counseling psychology, and I specifically now 0:12:18.480 --> 0:12:22.680 work with mothers to really reclaim themselves, you know, their 0:12:22.720 --> 0:12:26.080 identity after becoming a mom, which so many times get 0:12:26.120 --> 0:12:29.760 so lost. Um, and then also reclaiming your health both 0:12:29.760 --> 0:12:33.880 part of that's amazing. And I'm here with producer Jen too, 0:12:33.920 --> 0:12:37.440 and we were just having that conversation about how it's 0:12:38.240 --> 0:12:40.560 that's that's what I'm personally dealing with, is how to 0:12:40.600 --> 0:12:43.400 be able to separate being a mom and then my 0:12:43.679 --> 0:12:46.040 career because I have we have a lot of guilt 0:12:46.080 --> 0:12:48.360 with that too. So what would be like your advice 0:12:48.640 --> 0:12:52.760 for me and mom's out there that are having that problem, 0:12:52.840 --> 0:12:56.520 but having that guilt problem specifically guilt, but then also 0:12:56.679 --> 0:12:59.040 so I guess two things, guilt and then also how 0:12:59.080 --> 0:13:04.040 to how to have my things, like how to have 0:13:04.160 --> 0:13:07.800 my purpose and all of this. Mm hmm yeah, So 0:13:07.920 --> 0:13:12.520 like really like how do you reclaim yourself as a woman? UM? 0:13:12.679 --> 0:13:14.560 So I think a lot of times, you know, like 0:13:14.600 --> 0:13:16.840 the most common thing that I really hear from from 0:13:16.920 --> 0:13:19.840 moms in in my work, if I don't even know 0:13:19.880 --> 0:13:22.960 who I am anymore? Right, that real sense of loss 0:13:22.960 --> 0:13:24.640 that like I don't even know what happened to the 0:13:24.640 --> 0:13:27.400 woman who I once was. And then there's this whole 0:13:27.440 --> 0:13:30.120 idea in our society and culture of like bouncing back 0:13:30.160 --> 0:13:32.520 and getting that woman back and getting that life back. 0:13:33.120 --> 0:13:35.360 And what I always tell my clients and what I've 0:13:35.360 --> 0:13:36.960 seen a lot of time talking about, is that it's 0:13:37.000 --> 0:13:41.080 not about um, you know, getting back what who you 0:13:41.160 --> 0:13:44.480 once were, but really needing that person that you are now, 0:13:44.559 --> 0:13:48.400 and really needing the woman, the mother that you've evolved into, 0:13:48.440 --> 0:13:51.480 because she has changed, like she's different physically, you know, 0:13:51.600 --> 0:13:54.280 like her value system has changed dramatically, And so really 0:13:55.240 --> 0:13:58.080 approaching this topic with a really open mind and open 0:13:58.120 --> 0:14:00.720 heart and really finding out who are you now that 0:14:00.760 --> 0:14:05.160 you've undergone this massive transition? Um? I think. And then 0:14:05.200 --> 0:14:07.439 another point to that is I think something that is 0:14:07.480 --> 0:14:10.720 really important obviously is time. Like so many moms struggle 0:14:10.760 --> 0:14:12.960 with time, and like not even moms right, like everybody 0:14:13.000 --> 0:14:17.400 nowadays struggling with time, UM, and becoming really good at 0:14:17.480 --> 0:14:21.440 delegating and understanding what are at the areas and subchecks 0:14:21.440 --> 0:14:24.360 that you can actually take care of, UM, And what 0:14:24.400 --> 0:14:26.640 do I think that you can really delegate to other people, 0:14:26.720 --> 0:14:28.880 and how can you really structure a support system and 0:14:28.920 --> 0:14:32.920 a tribe around you that is supporting you in you know, 0:14:33.000 --> 0:14:37.360 integrating motherhood into your life. M you know what. I 0:14:38.160 --> 0:14:40.920 love that. Here's my problem with it though, when because 0:14:41.000 --> 0:14:42.760 I sat down with my therapist and I it's just 0:14:42.800 --> 0:14:44.960 like I feel like I'm doing everything, and she goes, well, 0:14:45.120 --> 0:14:48.160 start trying to ask people for help. So but when 0:14:48.160 --> 0:14:50.800 I asked people for help, for example, like my daughter 0:14:50.800 --> 0:14:52.600 had split up in our crib and it took me. 0:14:53.120 --> 0:14:56.080 It was so hard for me to ask my nanny 0:14:56.280 --> 0:14:59.440 to clean the sheets. But why didn't the nanny just 0:14:59.480 --> 0:15:01.720 clean this cheats well? Because she didn't know that she 0:15:01.800 --> 0:15:03.680 had like spit up in there. And so I had asked. 0:15:03.720 --> 0:15:05.760 I asked, nanny, I said, and it was like I 0:15:05.800 --> 0:15:07.840 was like, okay, I'm gonna practice like what my therapist 0:15:07.840 --> 0:15:09.160 told me to do. So I was like, can you 0:15:09.200 --> 0:15:12.440 please change the sheets in like the crib room, you know, 0:15:12.480 --> 0:15:14.880 in her nursery. And I come home and she didn't 0:15:14.880 --> 0:15:16.280 do it. So I'm like, this is why I don't 0:15:16.320 --> 0:15:18.520 ask people to do something, because it doesn't get done 0:15:18.920 --> 0:15:21.560 like I have to just I'm just gonna do it myself, right, 0:15:22.240 --> 0:15:24.240 So that's like where it's like how do I how 0:15:24.240 --> 0:15:26.240 do I delegate? But if I don't like the way 0:15:26.240 --> 0:15:28.760 that it's done or if it's not done, how do 0:15:28.800 --> 0:15:31.560 I deal with that? Well, if it's not done, then 0:15:31.880 --> 0:15:35.040 you know, maybe we're not getting the right kind of support, 0:15:35.160 --> 0:15:37.520 like you honestly like made people that you can trust 0:15:37.560 --> 0:15:40.400 and rely on. Um, and who are you know like 0:15:40.880 --> 0:15:43.880 also like obviously like willing to help you. UM. I 0:15:43.920 --> 0:15:47.760 think that whole like hesitation to ask for help like 0:15:47.840 --> 0:15:49.560 that is really unless so that we can train. I 0:15:49.600 --> 0:15:52.400 think the more we can train ourselves to ask for help, 0:15:52.760 --> 0:15:56.080 the easier it becomes, and the more trusting we also become. 0:15:56.240 --> 0:15:58.920 As we were experiencing over time, but I asked the 0:15:58.920 --> 0:16:01.560 person for help, and they did it, and it was 0:16:01.600 --> 0:16:03.400 done in a way that it was accessible for me 0:16:03.640 --> 0:16:07.560 and for everybody else and from like basically like having 0:16:07.640 --> 0:16:11.080 positive experience, positive experience, positive experience that is current to 0:16:11.080 --> 0:16:16.440 build your trust muscle. It's hard though, So it's really hard, 0:16:16.640 --> 0:16:18.880 and it's really hard to find a team that like 0:16:19.720 --> 0:16:23.080 really you know, puts into your life. Stuff Like a 0:16:23.120 --> 0:16:25.840 friend of mine always as higher really slowly for anyone 0:16:25.840 --> 0:16:29.520 who comes into your personal house. Yeah, hey, true or false. 0:16:29.560 --> 0:16:37.400 If it ain't broke, don't fix it. M M agree. 0:16:38.200 --> 0:16:40.520 I agree with that too. Why do people think that 0:16:40.520 --> 0:16:44.840 that's true though, because it's the easy way out, you know. 0:16:44.920 --> 0:16:47.440 But if you're really talking about creating lives that are 0:16:47.520 --> 0:16:49.840 really fulfilling for ourselves, because a lot of people set 0:16:49.880 --> 0:16:56.560 up for a mediocre life, right. I was texting your 0:16:56.880 --> 0:17:00.000 coach and I was like that, she's gonna say true, 0:17:00.000 --> 0:17:03.240 and I'm gonna say b as to that. You are 0:17:03.280 --> 0:17:06.800 a true life coach. People should definitely all right, here's 0:17:06.800 --> 0:17:10.240 another one, true or false. Um, if you can beat them, 0:17:10.359 --> 0:17:15.880 join them. If you can't beat them, join them. She's 0:17:15.880 --> 0:17:20.320 passed again. But here's the problem. People think that's like 0:17:20.520 --> 0:17:26.120 true stuff can beat them. Yeah yeah, but then you're 0:17:26.160 --> 0:17:28.520 just sacrificing yourself and your own values and that's not 0:17:28.560 --> 0:17:33.320 a good way of living. She's she is. And it starts, 0:17:33.840 --> 0:17:37.040 doesn't it, Caroline. It starts with girls when they're like 0:17:37.119 --> 0:17:40.880 really young in their peer groups. Yeah, and boys too. 0:17:40.920 --> 0:17:43.159 I mean, like develop developmentally. They go through like a 0:17:43.200 --> 0:17:46.359 twinship face right where they are basically trying on what 0:17:46.480 --> 0:17:48.520 it's like to be like the other people and they're 0:17:48.560 --> 0:17:50.919 like copying everything that somebody else is doing. But I 0:17:50.960 --> 0:17:55.439 think that's where, you know, like our parenting comes in 0:17:55.600 --> 0:17:57.760 at some point where we also have to encourage them 0:17:57.760 --> 0:17:59.879 to be true individuals and a lot of that happens 0:18:00.000 --> 0:18:02.600 of role modeling. Right, how can use it to your 0:18:02.640 --> 0:18:04.320 own values? So how can use it to what's really 0:18:04.359 --> 0:18:06.399 important to you? How can you actually speak with an 0:18:06.400 --> 0:18:09.720 authentic voice? And that's what your children will learn? Right? 0:18:10.359 --> 0:18:14.280 Question about that with relationships? What do you what's your 0:18:14.280 --> 0:18:19.040 advice about an argument in front of your children? Is 0:18:19.080 --> 0:18:22.399 it something where it? Because here's here's my problem. I 0:18:22.400 --> 0:18:24.040 don't want to be like, oh, we're just like perfect 0:18:24.119 --> 0:18:26.960 and people don't argue, And it's like what is what 0:18:27.119 --> 0:18:30.320 is the line with with that and raising you know, 0:18:31.040 --> 0:18:34.560 showing your children certain things? Yeah, I mean, you know, 0:18:34.640 --> 0:18:36.960 like an argument like it can be like something where 0:18:36.960 --> 0:18:39.080 you're feeling like, Okay, we're actually coming to a solution 0:18:39.080 --> 0:18:40.879 and we're like having a people of conversation. We just 0:18:40.920 --> 0:18:43.600 have different opinions, but we're coming to a compromise. I 0:18:43.600 --> 0:18:46.080 think that's great for your children to be able to watch, 0:18:46.480 --> 0:18:50.159 But if it's a really heated argument, and where like 0:18:50.200 --> 0:18:53.400 basically like the foundation of safety of the family feels 0:18:53.440 --> 0:18:56.880 at risk to a child, I think it's left would 0:18:56.880 --> 0:18:59.199 be taken into another room. So what's the word I 0:18:59.240 --> 0:19:03.120 think table it or like like what's the like not 0:19:03.320 --> 0:19:04.399 like you know what I mean? Like how do you 0:19:04.440 --> 0:19:07.600 how do you stop something? Then like how do you 0:19:07.640 --> 0:19:09.960 stop the argument? So I think you know one of 0:19:10.000 --> 0:19:12.960 you or both ideally like you have to agree, like 0:19:13.040 --> 0:19:16.440 if this happened. Confusually this kind of thing like it happened, 0:19:17.000 --> 0:19:19.520 and then later on you're like, shoot, like this really 0:19:19.520 --> 0:19:23.560 something that happened. You know. Um, then you basically say, 0:19:23.640 --> 0:19:26.800 like the next time, I'm feeling the seats coming up again, 0:19:26.800 --> 0:19:29.520 because usually work of us feel speech when anger rises 0:19:29.520 --> 0:19:32.440 in the body. When I'm feeling the sensation in my body, 0:19:32.560 --> 0:19:35.480 it's going to be my responsibility to say, let's stop 0:19:35.520 --> 0:19:38.320 this conversation now, And that's resument when the kids are 0:19:38.320 --> 0:19:40.159 in bed or when you know, when we're out of 0:19:40.200 --> 0:19:42.760 out forever, because I want to like finish it. Also, 0:19:42.840 --> 0:19:45.600 you're heated saying you're not really in the moment. You 0:19:45.680 --> 0:19:48.320 are in the moment of the anger, so you're not 0:19:48.400 --> 0:19:51.720 thinking about anything else around you. How do you how 0:19:51.720 --> 0:19:53.800 do you deal with It's really hard moms wanting to 0:19:53.840 --> 0:19:57.840 separate to there because sometimes I feel lost as not 0:19:57.960 --> 0:20:00.960 only a mom, but as a wife too. Yeah. So 0:20:01.000 --> 0:20:04.240 I'm like, I'm like, it's just like who Like like 0:20:04.280 --> 0:20:05.919 you said, like who am I? Because I'm like, I'm 0:20:05.960 --> 0:20:08.000 a I'm my wife, I'm a mom, But like what 0:20:08.760 --> 0:20:11.879 other where's my Where's Janna? Like where did she go? 0:20:12.440 --> 0:20:16.120 Because I'm just trying to please everybody in the family. Yeah, 0:20:16.160 --> 0:20:18.240 And I mean this is again like moms tell me 0:20:18.280 --> 0:20:21.320 I'm losing myself, and dad, it's a husband tell me, 0:20:21.560 --> 0:20:23.879 I feel like I'm losing my wife. What happens a 0:20:23.880 --> 0:20:26.920 lot because women have the tendency because they drive us crazy. 0:20:28.080 --> 0:20:32.280 That's why they don't know that, you know what, pusnant 0:20:32.320 --> 0:20:35.840 were just talking about that because he goes he's like, why, oh, 0:20:35.880 --> 0:20:39.040 he made a comment about Mother's Day and it was like, 0:20:39.160 --> 0:20:41.040 moms are magical And I go, why did you just 0:20:41.080 --> 0:20:43.200 make that voice? And he goes, oh, sorry, I didn't 0:20:43.200 --> 0:20:45.320 realize it was a Mother's Day ad And I'm like, 0:20:45.359 --> 0:20:47.600 we are magical. We do everything. And he's like, you 0:20:47.640 --> 0:20:49.280 don't do everything? And I was like, where's our daughter 0:20:49.280 --> 0:20:52.920