1 00:00:06,280 --> 00:00:10,639 Speaker 1: You know, sometimes you got to sit still and get 2 00:00:10,680 --> 00:00:14,600 Speaker 1: right with your maker. But dance has come to you. 3 00:00:16,720 --> 00:00:18,320 Speaker 1: Let life on phone how it's supposed to. You know 4 00:00:18,360 --> 00:00:22,480 Speaker 1: what I'm saying, or you don't believe me this week, 5 00:00:22,560 --> 00:00:26,479 Speaker 1: I'm Darren Waller, formerly known as an NFL athlete, played 6 00:00:26,480 --> 00:00:28,560 Speaker 1: eight years in the NFL. But I'm try you're living life. 7 00:00:28,560 --> 00:00:32,720 Speaker 1: I'm an artist, an uncle, I'm a brother, I'm a friend, 8 00:00:33,240 --> 00:00:35,880 Speaker 1: a son. I love to be out in nature. I 9 00:00:36,520 --> 00:00:38,959 Speaker 1: love all things. I'm just loving the human experience. 10 00:00:39,120 --> 00:00:41,440 Speaker 2: What type of artists are you? What art do you 11 00:00:41,520 --> 00:00:42,040 Speaker 2: partake in? 12 00:00:42,560 --> 00:00:44,880 Speaker 1: I partake in the creation of good music. You could 13 00:00:44,880 --> 00:00:46,960 Speaker 1: say I'm hip hop because that's kind of what I 14 00:00:47,000 --> 00:00:48,960 Speaker 1: grew up on. And yeah, I'm proud to be a 15 00:00:49,000 --> 00:00:52,000 Speaker 1: part of what hip hop is contributing to culture. But 16 00:00:52,120 --> 00:00:54,120 Speaker 1: I'm influenced by all styles of music and they all 17 00:00:54,200 --> 00:00:56,640 Speaker 1: kind of show up in little ways. The two CDs 18 00:00:56,680 --> 00:00:58,960 Speaker 1: that got the most rotation in my in My Walkman 19 00:00:59,000 --> 00:01:03,040 Speaker 1: Growing Up where jay Z Black Album and Kanye West Graduation. 20 00:01:03,800 --> 00:01:07,360 Speaker 1: So you know guys that were, you know, vulnerable to 21 00:01:07,400 --> 00:01:10,240 Speaker 1: an extent in their rapps talking about what they've gone through, 22 00:01:10,240 --> 00:01:12,279 Speaker 1: what they've climbed through, you know, I got like Kanye 23 00:01:12,400 --> 00:01:13,959 Speaker 1: what he had to persist through just to get to 24 00:01:13,959 --> 00:01:17,480 Speaker 1: where he was musically, those kind of guys, But just 25 00:01:17,560 --> 00:01:20,600 Speaker 1: like just the standard of excellence and what they're doing. 26 00:01:20,760 --> 00:01:22,440 Speaker 1: When I listen to that music, I'm like, Okay, that's 27 00:01:22,440 --> 00:01:24,679 Speaker 1: the standard. So like when I make something, that's what 28 00:01:24,720 --> 00:01:26,319 Speaker 1: I'm trying to strive for. I'm not trying to make 29 00:01:26,360 --> 00:01:29,160 Speaker 1: something to kind of come up or let people know like, oh, 30 00:01:29,200 --> 00:01:31,360 Speaker 1: he's rapping. I'm like, I want to contribute something to 31 00:01:31,480 --> 00:01:33,440 Speaker 1: music to where people can walk away and be like oh, 32 00:01:33,720 --> 00:01:36,120 Speaker 1: or like think about something differently or change their perspective. 33 00:01:36,120 --> 00:01:38,119 Speaker 1: Will be moving too fast walking my pace. May even 34 00:01:38,160 --> 00:01:39,880 Speaker 1: knew that I was top ten before I dropped in 35 00:01:39,920 --> 00:01:41,880 Speaker 1: over the Baby, and they thought they have me boxed in. 36 00:01:41,920 --> 00:01:44,000 Speaker 1: I was locked in the whole way. Yeah. 37 00:01:44,080 --> 00:01:46,520 Speaker 2: Darren Waller is a former NFL tight end who has 38 00:01:46,560 --> 00:01:50,400 Speaker 2: shared his story over the years. Recently retired from the league, 39 00:01:50,480 --> 00:01:53,360 Speaker 2: he spends his time now making music and I would 40 00:01:53,400 --> 00:01:57,080 Speaker 2: also say honoring his shadows as he recovers from drug addiction. 41 00:01:57,960 --> 00:02:01,640 Speaker 2: In this episode of Naked Sports, Waller is raw and graphic, 42 00:02:02,040 --> 00:02:04,240 Speaker 2: and it could be triggering for some who may be 43 00:02:04,400 --> 00:02:07,640 Speaker 2: recovering from an addiction or still in the fight. But 44 00:02:07,720 --> 00:02:17,360 Speaker 2: my hope is that his story helps and heals. Welcome 45 00:02:17,400 --> 00:02:20,160 Speaker 2: to Naked Sports, the podcast where we live at the 46 00:02:20,200 --> 00:02:25,120 Speaker 2: intersection of sports, politics, and culture. Our purpose reveal the 47 00:02:25,160 --> 00:02:27,120 Speaker 2: common threads that bind them all. 48 00:02:27,280 --> 00:02:30,720 Speaker 3: So what's happening in women's basketball right now is what 49 00:02:30,760 --> 00:02:31,800 Speaker 3: we've been trying to. 50 00:02:31,720 --> 00:02:34,080 Speaker 1: Get to for almost thirty years. 51 00:02:34,320 --> 00:02:37,880 Speaker 2: From the stadiums where athletes break barriers and set records. 52 00:02:37,720 --> 00:02:41,079 Speaker 1: Kayden Clark wrote the all time single game assists record. 53 00:02:41,240 --> 00:02:43,160 Speaker 1: This is crazy for rookies to be doing. 54 00:02:43,400 --> 00:02:46,000 Speaker 3: To the polls where history is written, and now we 55 00:02:46,080 --> 00:02:49,600 Speaker 3: have Kamala Harrison, it feels more like women are sort 56 00:02:49,600 --> 00:02:53,160 Speaker 3: of taken what they've always deserved, as opposed to waiting 57 00:02:53,240 --> 00:02:55,519 Speaker 3: on somebody to give them what they've deserved. 58 00:02:55,560 --> 00:02:59,079 Speaker 2: Our discussions will uncover the vital connections between these realms 59 00:02:59,400 --> 00:03:02,359 Speaker 2: and the community do we create. In each episode, will 60 00:03:02,400 --> 00:03:06,840 Speaker 2: sit down with athletes, political analysts, and culture critics, because 61 00:03:06,880 --> 00:03:09,240 Speaker 2: at the core of it all, how we see one 62 00:03:09,320 --> 00:03:14,200 Speaker 2: issue shines the light on all others. Welcome to Naked Sports. 63 00:03:14,720 --> 00:03:16,639 Speaker 2: I'm your host, Carrie Champion. 64 00:03:23,320 --> 00:03:25,720 Speaker 1: I always been told I can't be Meani yoka, I 65 00:03:25,800 --> 00:03:27,880 Speaker 1: do what my mother say, don't know. I thought life 66 00:03:27,960 --> 00:03:29,800 Speaker 1: was easy to just really harm and it must be 67 00:03:29,840 --> 00:03:32,000 Speaker 1: another way. A boy goes turn into a man, we 68 00:03:32,040 --> 00:03:33,560 Speaker 1: do you know, he can't run and he gotta go 69 00:03:33,680 --> 00:03:34,760 Speaker 1: right through it? No way. 70 00:03:34,760 --> 00:03:36,680 Speaker 2: I know when you wrap, what do you wrap about? 71 00:03:36,920 --> 00:03:41,320 Speaker 1: Mainly I'm rofughing about my experiences, the struggles I've had, 72 00:03:41,480 --> 00:03:44,320 Speaker 1: just like me trying to figure out, you know, myself, 73 00:03:44,360 --> 00:03:47,240 Speaker 1: how to love and accept myself. Because there's times where 74 00:03:47,280 --> 00:03:49,600 Speaker 1: it's like I feel great about myself and what I'm doing. 75 00:03:49,680 --> 00:03:53,040 Speaker 1: I've always been this, you know, performer for people, and 76 00:03:53,400 --> 00:03:54,960 Speaker 1: that's kind of giving me my word for a while, 77 00:03:55,000 --> 00:03:56,840 Speaker 1: but realizing the other side of that to where it's 78 00:03:56,880 --> 00:04:00,240 Speaker 1: like if I'm not performing or if I'm just to 79 00:04:00,320 --> 00:04:03,080 Speaker 1: be my authentic self and I make mistakes, like am 80 00:04:03,120 --> 00:04:05,040 Speaker 1: I still lovable? Like? Am I still all these things? 81 00:04:05,080 --> 00:04:07,680 Speaker 1: So I rap about all those things. And I also 82 00:04:07,720 --> 00:04:10,600 Speaker 1: grew up in Atlanta and listening to the New York hip 83 00:04:10,600 --> 00:04:12,000 Speaker 1: hop where dudes around there, you know, trying to get 84 00:04:12,000 --> 00:04:12,600 Speaker 1: their bars off. 85 00:04:12,800 --> 00:04:16,320 Speaker 2: Okay, do a little bit of that. Okay, So just 86 00:04:16,440 --> 00:04:20,440 Speaker 2: yesterday you released minip You want to tell us about it? 87 00:04:20,680 --> 00:04:23,240 Speaker 1: Yeah, so the EPE is called internal Warfare. This two 88 00:04:23,320 --> 00:04:25,680 Speaker 1: shot pass. There's been a few EPs this year where 89 00:04:25,720 --> 00:04:28,160 Speaker 1: I've like combined the name of a couple of songs 90 00:04:28,200 --> 00:04:30,600 Speaker 1: in the project to make the title. So but with that, 91 00:04:30,680 --> 00:04:32,839 Speaker 1: it's like, like I said, there's there's always been two 92 00:04:32,880 --> 00:04:36,880 Speaker 1: sides of me. There's this me that's like, you know, loving, caring, 93 00:04:37,560 --> 00:04:39,680 Speaker 1: you know, has depth, and there's this other side of 94 00:04:39,720 --> 00:04:42,400 Speaker 1: me that's like, you know, through my football journey and 95 00:04:42,480 --> 00:04:45,279 Speaker 1: just through life and trying to figure out where I 96 00:04:45,320 --> 00:04:49,279 Speaker 1: fit just being like competitive and aggressive and you know, 97 00:04:49,640 --> 00:04:52,120 Speaker 1: just having a point to prove. There's these two sides 98 00:04:52,160 --> 00:04:55,200 Speaker 1: that often clash within me. But when I'm able to 99 00:04:55,640 --> 00:04:57,840 Speaker 1: accept those two kind of like we talked about before, 100 00:04:57,960 --> 00:04:59,359 Speaker 1: that's where I'm able to find the piece, you know, 101 00:04:59,400 --> 00:05:01,560 Speaker 1: that two shot pass. I don't always have to feel 102 00:05:01,600 --> 00:05:03,279 Speaker 1: the way that I feel forever. So that's kind of 103 00:05:03,279 --> 00:05:04,000 Speaker 1: the theme bot. 104 00:05:04,279 --> 00:05:06,800 Speaker 2: When you say there's two sides, I'm curious because I 105 00:05:06,839 --> 00:05:09,440 Speaker 2: think everyone experiences that, But why can't that just be 106 00:05:09,520 --> 00:05:11,320 Speaker 2: the whole of you, the some of who you are? 107 00:05:11,800 --> 00:05:14,200 Speaker 1: That's honestly the goal, Like you hit the nail on 108 00:05:14,240 --> 00:05:15,560 Speaker 1: the head, like it gets the goal, just to be 109 00:05:15,640 --> 00:05:18,280 Speaker 1: like there's my therapist Alwa says, there's no bad parts 110 00:05:18,720 --> 00:05:21,880 Speaker 1: right parts there, there's nothing bad. They're all just some 111 00:05:21,960 --> 00:05:25,120 Speaker 1: ways in which I'm trying to keep myself safe or 112 00:05:25,640 --> 00:05:28,600 Speaker 1: you know, ultimately fine fulfillment in life. They are these 113 00:05:28,680 --> 00:05:32,200 Speaker 1: you know, sometimes coping mechanisms, survival tactics, but really they're 114 00:05:32,240 --> 00:05:34,360 Speaker 1: just all me and they deserve to be loved and accepted. 115 00:05:34,400 --> 00:05:37,320 Speaker 1: But for most of my life it's always like, well, 116 00:05:37,320 --> 00:05:40,000 Speaker 1: it's been like a perfectionist trying to be accepted by people. 117 00:05:40,000 --> 00:05:43,440 Speaker 1: So it's like if it's not fitting the good label, 118 00:05:43,800 --> 00:05:47,240 Speaker 1: it's shunned until like I can because I don't want 119 00:05:47,240 --> 00:05:48,840 Speaker 1: people to see me the way that I see myself 120 00:05:49,320 --> 00:05:49,760 Speaker 1: my life. 121 00:05:49,800 --> 00:05:53,240 Speaker 2: So it's it's interesting because labels are like when we 122 00:05:53,279 --> 00:05:56,120 Speaker 2: put a label on anything. And I even told you 123 00:05:56,200 --> 00:05:59,840 Speaker 2: that I was listening to Internal Warfare this morning as 124 00:05:59,880 --> 00:06:04,120 Speaker 2: I was preparing for this interview, and I assumed that 125 00:06:04,680 --> 00:06:07,000 Speaker 2: I would not enjoy it as much as I enjoyed it. 126 00:06:07,080 --> 00:06:11,400 Speaker 2: I assumed that, which was so unfair. And I don't 127 00:06:11,560 --> 00:06:14,200 Speaker 2: like labels, but I find myself just conditioned. This is 128 00:06:14,240 --> 00:06:16,560 Speaker 2: a human condition. You do that with people without even 129 00:06:16,600 --> 00:06:19,479 Speaker 2: knowing it, and it was to me, what I was 130 00:06:19,520 --> 00:06:23,480 Speaker 2: able to hear was someone reconciling the good and the bad. 131 00:06:24,000 --> 00:06:26,600 Speaker 2: But really it was this beautiful alchemy of who you 132 00:06:26,760 --> 00:06:31,080 Speaker 2: ultimately are. I just was like, we're also complicated in 133 00:06:31,120 --> 00:06:33,120 Speaker 2: so many ways. We don't have to be one thing. 134 00:06:33,680 --> 00:06:35,599 Speaker 2: Do you when you grew up, and this is not 135 00:06:35,600 --> 00:06:38,039 Speaker 2: even a heavy question, do you feel like because I 136 00:06:38,040 --> 00:06:40,840 Speaker 2: know my therapist will always say it is because the 137 00:06:40,880 --> 00:06:41,480 Speaker 2: way you grew. 138 00:06:41,440 --> 00:06:41,880 Speaker 4: Up, So. 139 00:06:45,200 --> 00:06:48,039 Speaker 1: Yeah, I mean, I'm coming in touch with every area 140 00:06:48,040 --> 00:06:50,760 Speaker 1: of my life is being traced back to my childhood 141 00:06:50,800 --> 00:06:52,400 Speaker 1: and like that early part of your life from like 142 00:06:52,800 --> 00:06:55,240 Speaker 1: zero to eight is where your brain is formed and 143 00:06:55,320 --> 00:06:57,479 Speaker 1: like how you believe yourself to be in the world, 144 00:06:57,560 --> 00:06:59,880 Speaker 1: and zero to eight for me, it was like I 145 00:07:00,040 --> 00:07:03,400 Speaker 1: don't know where I fit in. I don't feel like 146 00:07:03,480 --> 00:07:05,840 Speaker 1: I'm welcomed or accepted as I am. I feel like 147 00:07:05,839 --> 00:07:07,239 Speaker 1: I'm not enough. I feel like I have to change. 148 00:07:07,240 --> 00:07:09,400 Speaker 1: So it's like I can be a thirty two year 149 00:07:09,440 --> 00:07:12,040 Speaker 1: old man sometimes and still showing up as that eight 150 00:07:12,160 --> 00:07:16,160 Speaker 1: year old version of myself because this real trauma. That's 151 00:07:16,160 --> 00:07:18,560 Speaker 1: how I came to find my way in the world. 152 00:07:18,600 --> 00:07:21,000 Speaker 1: I guess I grew up the suburbs of Atlanta, Georgia. Okay, 153 00:07:21,840 --> 00:07:24,160 Speaker 1: thirty minutes north. Nobody knows where Actworth, Georgia is. People 154 00:07:24,160 --> 00:07:26,680 Speaker 1: alread know where Cannessas is now. But yeah, like thirty 155 00:07:26,720 --> 00:07:31,760 Speaker 1: minutes north of Atlanta's so very nice neighborhood, good public schools. 156 00:07:32,120 --> 00:07:35,960 Speaker 1: Nothing in the environment that was triggering or harming to 157 00:07:36,200 --> 00:07:38,680 Speaker 1: my development or nor in the home either. My parents 158 00:07:38,680 --> 00:07:41,880 Speaker 1: are still married to this day, thirty eight years. But 159 00:07:41,960 --> 00:07:44,400 Speaker 1: it was just the social aspect of things where it's 160 00:07:44,480 --> 00:07:47,760 Speaker 1: like I feel like a total alien everywhere that I go. 161 00:07:48,480 --> 00:07:51,080 Speaker 1: I mean, so I was like they put me on 162 00:07:51,080 --> 00:07:53,480 Speaker 1: this gifted academic path and a lot of times like 163 00:07:54,000 --> 00:07:56,800 Speaker 1: I was one of two or the only black kid 164 00:07:56,840 --> 00:07:59,600 Speaker 1: in my classes. And then it's like through that route, 165 00:07:59,600 --> 00:08:01,200 Speaker 1: I'm a little of a nerd, and so I get 166 00:08:01,240 --> 00:08:04,160 Speaker 1: around like football teammates and they're like, you know, everybody 167 00:08:04,200 --> 00:08:05,600 Speaker 1: feel like they got to be macho, and I'm like 168 00:08:06,600 --> 00:08:08,240 Speaker 1: the nerd that's got to go do homework or you 169 00:08:08,240 --> 00:08:09,680 Speaker 1: know what I'm saying, like, or my classes are in 170 00:08:09,680 --> 00:08:12,200 Speaker 1: a completing way. It's like why are you nerdy? Why 171 00:08:12,200 --> 00:08:13,480 Speaker 1: are you this? Why are you that? And it's like 172 00:08:13,520 --> 00:08:15,720 Speaker 1: I had friends growing up, my neighborhood who became my 173 00:08:15,840 --> 00:08:18,800 Speaker 1: good friends. We just did all the same stuff together. 174 00:08:19,000 --> 00:08:20,480 Speaker 1: They were white, and so it's like, oh, you ain't 175 00:08:22,040 --> 00:08:23,560 Speaker 1: And as a kid, it's like, I don't really. I 176 00:08:23,600 --> 00:08:25,920 Speaker 1: wish I had like the adult version of me for 177 00:08:25,960 --> 00:08:28,000 Speaker 1: them to be like, man, that's that's just them trying 178 00:08:28,000 --> 00:08:30,560 Speaker 1: to find their own way and projecting that on you 179 00:08:30,600 --> 00:08:32,400 Speaker 1: because you're interested into things. But I didn't have that, 180 00:08:32,440 --> 00:08:34,400 Speaker 1: So I'm just like, oh damn, I don't want to 181 00:08:34,400 --> 00:08:36,559 Speaker 1: feel like this. So I'm around these people, I'm act 182 00:08:36,640 --> 00:08:38,520 Speaker 1: like this around them. I'm gonna be like this. I'm 183 00:08:38,559 --> 00:08:39,959 Speaker 1: in that room. I got to make sure I show 184 00:08:40,040 --> 00:08:40,360 Speaker 1: up like this. 185 00:08:40,880 --> 00:08:42,960 Speaker 2: I hear that all the times from my friends who 186 00:08:43,040 --> 00:08:45,760 Speaker 2: are bi racial, mixed, however you want to describe it, 187 00:08:46,000 --> 00:08:48,640 Speaker 2: because that is a label. It is a true label, 188 00:08:48,679 --> 00:08:51,840 Speaker 2: and it's so unfortunate. Do you how do you identify 189 00:08:52,280 --> 00:08:54,520 Speaker 2: if someone said to you, are you a black man? 190 00:08:54,600 --> 00:08:56,120 Speaker 2: Or would you like, I'm a mixed man. You know 191 00:08:56,160 --> 00:08:59,800 Speaker 2: how tighter woods will say, well, I'm not one hundred percent. 192 00:09:00,480 --> 00:09:02,560 Speaker 2: Do you feel like you have to identify with black 193 00:09:02,600 --> 00:09:04,120 Speaker 2: and or white or what? I don't know what you're 194 00:09:04,160 --> 00:09:04,480 Speaker 2: mixed with? 195 00:09:04,600 --> 00:09:06,600 Speaker 1: I'm black, like my dad's just like light skin. My 196 00:09:06,600 --> 00:09:09,040 Speaker 1: mom is dark skins, like I'm black. So I'm really like, 197 00:09:09,280 --> 00:09:11,280 Speaker 1: well you do I mix at all? I gotta do 198 00:09:11,320 --> 00:09:12,800 Speaker 1: an ancestry kit or. 199 00:09:12,760 --> 00:09:15,520 Speaker 2: Something racist, Carrie, I think you. 200 00:09:20,600 --> 00:09:22,400 Speaker 1: Do an ancestry can go walking to me like, what 201 00:09:22,440 --> 00:09:23,640 Speaker 1: are some people think? I'm the media? 202 00:09:23,760 --> 00:09:25,880 Speaker 2: You know you have you got to do the kid. 203 00:09:26,320 --> 00:09:26,920 Speaker 2: We need the kid. 204 00:09:27,200 --> 00:09:29,440 Speaker 1: I ordered the kid recently, but and I put this 205 00:09:29,520 --> 00:09:30,800 Speaker 1: live in it but I think I left town and 206 00:09:31,520 --> 00:09:33,760 Speaker 1: it's still on my counter months later. 207 00:09:33,920 --> 00:09:35,640 Speaker 2: But don't send them all your information because they're going 208 00:09:35,679 --> 00:09:39,120 Speaker 2: to use that to AIU. Okay, no, seriously, that is 209 00:09:39,160 --> 00:09:42,640 Speaker 2: because you look like everything is something else. People tell 210 00:09:42,640 --> 00:09:43,880 Speaker 2: you that your entire life. 211 00:09:44,080 --> 00:09:48,280 Speaker 1: Yeah, all people still to this day interesting fascinating. 212 00:09:48,679 --> 00:09:52,319 Speaker 2: I'm racist. I'll deal with that. So so when did 213 00:09:52,320 --> 00:09:55,240 Speaker 2: you start? When did you start playing football? 214 00:09:55,480 --> 00:09:58,560 Speaker 1: I was four years old. We had just moved to Georgia. 215 00:09:58,800 --> 00:10:01,000 Speaker 1: We were in Colorado. Out of my dad moved. We 216 00:10:01,040 --> 00:10:02,520 Speaker 1: moved to Georgia, so my dad got a job at 217 00:10:02,600 --> 00:10:04,800 Speaker 1: Coke and I guess they were just kind of like 218 00:10:04,800 --> 00:10:07,520 Speaker 1: starting to throw me into things. My first year of football, 219 00:10:07,559 --> 00:10:09,559 Speaker 1: I was playing the offensive line. I wish I had 220 00:10:09,559 --> 00:10:11,679 Speaker 1: my I think my mom still has a picture somewhere, 221 00:10:11,720 --> 00:10:13,920 Speaker 1: but she put me out there with like this padding 222 00:10:13,960 --> 00:10:21,280 Speaker 1: all over my body, like bicet pad, elbow pads, playing 223 00:10:21,400 --> 00:10:23,520 Speaker 1: offensive line, defensive line. But then the next year, when 224 00:10:23,520 --> 00:10:25,360 Speaker 1: I was five, I started playing quarterback. And I played 225 00:10:25,400 --> 00:10:28,280 Speaker 1: quarterback all the way up until high school. And I 226 00:10:28,360 --> 00:10:30,760 Speaker 1: was just fascinated with like NFL films. I would binge 227 00:10:30,800 --> 00:10:33,040 Speaker 1: watch it and my parents will tell stories about like 228 00:10:33,040 --> 00:10:34,719 Speaker 1: I'd be out there playing quarterback and the coach to 229 00:10:34,920 --> 00:10:36,280 Speaker 1: run and play and I'd be like, we can't run 230 00:10:36,320 --> 00:10:38,880 Speaker 1: it this way because the way the defense is set up. 231 00:10:38,880 --> 00:10:40,800 Speaker 1: We got to run like a counter back this way 232 00:10:41,160 --> 00:10:43,600 Speaker 1: and stuff like that. So I was like, as a kid, 233 00:10:43,640 --> 00:10:47,559 Speaker 1: like my I was, I was definitely gifted, like intellectually, 234 00:10:47,720 --> 00:10:50,120 Speaker 1: so like football was where I devoted a lot of 235 00:10:50,120 --> 00:10:53,120 Speaker 1: that too, and other sports played basketball and baseball, but football. 236 00:10:52,800 --> 00:10:54,719 Speaker 2: Was like the first one that was your So if 237 00:10:54,760 --> 00:10:57,440 Speaker 2: you played, you played other sports obviously. And it's so 238 00:10:57,480 --> 00:10:59,599 Speaker 2: funny when someone has a position of tight end, you 239 00:10:59,679 --> 00:11:01,480 Speaker 2: immediately think, oh, they should be playing ball, you know, 240 00:11:01,559 --> 00:11:05,720 Speaker 2: you immediately think that ended basketball rather right, when did 241 00:11:05,760 --> 00:11:08,640 Speaker 2: you decide that football was going to be the path. 242 00:11:09,320 --> 00:11:11,640 Speaker 1: Well, the other sports kind of got eliminated going into 243 00:11:11,720 --> 00:11:13,760 Speaker 1: high school. I think I was probably like doing too 244 00:11:13,800 --> 00:11:15,960 Speaker 1: much playing baseball, like pitching and playing outfield. So I 245 00:11:16,000 --> 00:11:19,439 Speaker 1: have an elbow injury that I ended up hurting pretty 246 00:11:19,480 --> 00:11:22,360 Speaker 1: bad my sophomore of high school playing football, and then 247 00:11:22,400 --> 00:11:24,560 Speaker 1: I got kicked off the basketball team halfway through my 248 00:11:24,600 --> 00:11:26,559 Speaker 1: junior year probub when I was getting good, which is 249 00:11:26,600 --> 00:11:28,679 Speaker 1: like my first year was for varsity. Football was my 250 00:11:28,720 --> 00:11:29,680 Speaker 1: junior year too, So. 251 00:11:29,600 --> 00:11:32,880 Speaker 2: Why did you get kicked off arrested? Okay, well that 252 00:11:32,960 --> 00:11:36,760 Speaker 2: could happen, right, it happened. 253 00:11:36,920 --> 00:11:39,679 Speaker 1: It was like, well, I feel like I had like 254 00:11:39,720 --> 00:11:41,400 Speaker 1: too much pride to go back the next year because 255 00:11:41,400 --> 00:11:45,240 Speaker 1: they kicked me off. But then for my junior year, 256 00:11:45,280 --> 00:11:46,760 Speaker 1: I was like, I had a good year, Like I 257 00:11:46,760 --> 00:11:48,720 Speaker 1: played defense, I had a whole bunch of tackles, and 258 00:11:48,760 --> 00:11:52,280 Speaker 1: then I got my first couple of scholarship offers at 259 00:11:52,320 --> 00:11:53,960 Speaker 1: the end of my junior year, and I was like, oh. 260 00:11:54,120 --> 00:11:56,720 Speaker 2: Football, it is football, it is yeah, so it eliminated 261 00:11:56,760 --> 00:11:58,400 Speaker 2: and told you where you were going to go. I 262 00:11:58,880 --> 00:12:01,000 Speaker 2: of course have to get to why were we arrested? 263 00:12:01,600 --> 00:12:03,920 Speaker 1: So there were these kids on my football team in 264 00:12:04,000 --> 00:12:07,280 Speaker 1: high school and they liked bashing people's car windows out 265 00:12:07,400 --> 00:12:09,840 Speaker 1: with like bat and like throwing coke cans and rocks 266 00:12:09,880 --> 00:12:13,040 Speaker 1: through people's house windows. And I was like, you know, 267 00:12:13,240 --> 00:12:16,600 Speaker 1: this kit trying to be cool and be yeah, and 268 00:12:16,640 --> 00:12:19,920 Speaker 1: so I was like, I'll drive us and go around. 269 00:12:19,960 --> 00:12:21,960 Speaker 1: And we were in the neighborhood next to the neighborhood 270 00:12:21,960 --> 00:12:25,080 Speaker 1: that I lived in, and then somebody was out walking 271 00:12:25,080 --> 00:12:27,319 Speaker 1: their dog or somebody saw got my license plate and 272 00:12:27,360 --> 00:12:28,839 Speaker 1: maybe I was just like parked in one spot like 273 00:12:28,880 --> 00:12:30,320 Speaker 1: a very amateur. 274 00:12:31,480 --> 00:12:33,600 Speaker 2: Yeah, we're criminal. 275 00:12:33,760 --> 00:12:36,240 Speaker 1: And then like basically like I had to take the 276 00:12:36,280 --> 00:12:39,559 Speaker 1: fall for everything. So I had, like you know, that 277 00:12:39,640 --> 00:12:42,000 Speaker 1: was the first offender, but I had like felony damage 278 00:12:42,040 --> 00:12:44,200 Speaker 1: to property and trespassing things I had to go. 279 00:12:44,360 --> 00:12:47,320 Speaker 2: I was in court like you don't write out your people. Nah, 280 00:12:47,760 --> 00:12:51,120 Speaker 2: you just took the all for them. Wow, that says 281 00:12:51,120 --> 00:12:51,800 Speaker 2: a lot about you. 282 00:12:52,440 --> 00:12:54,720 Speaker 1: It's kind of like culture though you can't. 283 00:12:54,760 --> 00:12:56,920 Speaker 2: You just had to take the all, but you did 284 00:12:56,920 --> 00:12:59,120 Speaker 2: they have as much to lose as you had in 285 00:12:59,200 --> 00:13:03,520 Speaker 2: terms of their upside. Did they play sports where they. 286 00:13:03,320 --> 00:13:05,440 Speaker 1: Were all all on the football team, these were all 287 00:13:05,480 --> 00:13:07,120 Speaker 1: like all the dudes were talented in the car. 288 00:13:07,200 --> 00:13:09,840 Speaker 2: Did they go bro no, none of them did okay, 289 00:13:09,880 --> 00:13:11,600 Speaker 2: but you okay? So then you were like, yeah, it 290 00:13:11,640 --> 00:13:11,800 Speaker 2: was me. 291 00:13:13,120 --> 00:13:15,240 Speaker 1: They got reduced to misdemeanors. So I was like on 292 00:13:15,360 --> 00:13:17,320 Speaker 1: probation for a bit and had to do like this 293 00:13:17,640 --> 00:13:21,200 Speaker 1: diversion program and go take all these classes, and then 294 00:13:21,320 --> 00:13:21,880 Speaker 1: I was fine. 295 00:13:22,440 --> 00:13:25,120 Speaker 2: Only reason why I asked is something about the how 296 00:13:25,120 --> 00:13:31,280 Speaker 2: old were you at the time, seventeen? There's something about 297 00:13:31,600 --> 00:13:35,520 Speaker 2: that age because for me, I got arrested probably when 298 00:13:35,559 --> 00:13:38,440 Speaker 2: I was fourteen for shop lives and I don't know what. 299 00:13:38,480 --> 00:13:40,360 Speaker 2: I just to do it. I was bored, and I 300 00:13:40,400 --> 00:13:41,880 Speaker 2: was hanging around a bunch of people who were doing 301 00:13:41,920 --> 00:13:44,199 Speaker 2: it and they were getting new and I think to myself, 302 00:13:44,360 --> 00:13:46,400 Speaker 2: I had three hundred hours of community service. I spent 303 00:13:46,440 --> 00:13:49,920 Speaker 2: my whole summer doing community service. And I was so 304 00:13:49,960 --> 00:13:52,560 Speaker 2: embarrassed by that. But when you're bored, I think that's 305 00:13:52,640 --> 00:13:55,880 Speaker 2: just a level of how smart we are and we 306 00:13:55,440 --> 00:13:58,960 Speaker 2: have nowhere to place all of this this energy that 307 00:13:59,040 --> 00:14:00,880 Speaker 2: we have. Did you ever think of it that one? 308 00:14:01,000 --> 00:14:03,360 Speaker 1: Yeah? And there's at least for me, there's this there's 309 00:14:03,480 --> 00:14:05,600 Speaker 1: me being an atticant, Like there's this addiction to high 310 00:14:05,679 --> 00:14:09,280 Speaker 1: risk behaviors that has been a theme throughout my life, 311 00:14:09,360 --> 00:14:12,319 Speaker 1: but like so stuff like that, Like I was shoplifting, 312 00:14:12,400 --> 00:14:14,959 Speaker 1: I was, you know, stealing a whole lot in college 313 00:14:15,080 --> 00:14:17,800 Speaker 1: and doing all these things. But it's like I'm getting this, like, oh. 314 00:14:17,720 --> 00:14:19,560 Speaker 2: It was so much fun. Yeah, it was a rush. 315 00:14:19,600 --> 00:14:20,800 Speaker 2: It was like, if I can get away with it, 316 00:14:20,840 --> 00:14:24,400 Speaker 2: let me do it again and again and again. When 317 00:14:24,400 --> 00:14:26,680 Speaker 2: did you know you had a problem with drugs? 318 00:14:28,800 --> 00:14:30,760 Speaker 1: I don't think I ever thought I did. I always 319 00:14:30,760 --> 00:14:33,280 Speaker 1: thought I was in control, probably until I overdosed. 320 00:14:34,360 --> 00:14:39,320 Speaker 2: When Naked Sports continues, Darren relives the day he overdosed 321 00:14:40,040 --> 00:14:41,000 Speaker 2: back in a moment. 322 00:14:44,400 --> 00:14:46,880 Speaker 4: Yoga Dog Dog. 323 00:15:00,520 --> 00:15:03,600 Speaker 2: This episode of Naked Sport is about Darren Waller and 324 00:15:03,640 --> 00:15:06,360 Speaker 2: the life that he's lived and of course, what's next 325 00:15:06,360 --> 00:15:09,520 Speaker 2: after being in the NFL. He shared his story of 326 00:15:09,560 --> 00:15:13,840 Speaker 2: addiction and recovery on other platforms. We begin now when 327 00:15:13,880 --> 00:15:18,560 Speaker 2: Darren chairs what was once his drug of choice? When 328 00:15:18,600 --> 00:15:19,720 Speaker 2: did you start taking drugs? 329 00:15:20,040 --> 00:15:23,000 Speaker 1: First thing was like painkillers my sophomore year high school, 330 00:15:23,080 --> 00:15:27,920 Speaker 1: fifteen years old. Then they started smoking weed, then introduced 331 00:15:27,920 --> 00:15:31,560 Speaker 1: to bud Light and sky vodka along the way as well. 332 00:15:31,680 --> 00:15:33,600 Speaker 1: So yeah, it was just it just kind of built 333 00:15:33,680 --> 00:15:35,040 Speaker 1: up and then by the time I went to college. 334 00:15:35,080 --> 00:15:40,240 Speaker 1: I was just like full time, partying, part time athlete. 335 00:15:39,320 --> 00:15:42,000 Speaker 2: And you never thought you had a problem. 336 00:15:41,720 --> 00:15:45,080 Speaker 1: Nah, because I could always, like, you know, show up 337 00:15:45,120 --> 00:15:47,080 Speaker 1: and be like respectful and look you in the eye. 338 00:15:47,120 --> 00:15:50,680 Speaker 1: And my grades were always good, and you know, and 339 00:15:50,760 --> 00:15:52,560 Speaker 1: I'm playing football. I have all these things I can 340 00:15:52,720 --> 00:15:54,560 Speaker 1: justify like, I can't have a problem. I'm a Division 341 00:15:54,600 --> 00:15:58,360 Speaker 1: one athlete, I'm at a great college. I'm YadA, YadA, YadA, 342 00:15:58,440 --> 00:16:00,520 Speaker 1: and so I could always hide behind that and just 343 00:16:00,560 --> 00:16:02,760 Speaker 1: be like, yeah, I'm just in college having a good time. 344 00:16:03,480 --> 00:16:05,840 Speaker 2: Interesting and so you were like, I'm fine. I'm all said, 345 00:16:05,840 --> 00:16:07,640 Speaker 2: they didn't. So when you get to there was no 346 00:16:07,720 --> 00:16:10,200 Speaker 2: level where you as you were in college or even 347 00:16:10,240 --> 00:16:12,280 Speaker 2: I know, when you got to the pros. But they 348 00:16:12,320 --> 00:16:13,600 Speaker 2: do drug tests. 349 00:16:13,920 --> 00:16:16,600 Speaker 1: I got into the system of guys that on my 350 00:16:16,640 --> 00:16:19,400 Speaker 1: college team that are like, you know, if we go 351 00:16:19,480 --> 00:16:22,480 Speaker 1: on this route, we got to be locked in. And 352 00:16:22,520 --> 00:16:24,320 Speaker 1: so when they would drug test us, they would drug 353 00:16:24,360 --> 00:16:26,640 Speaker 1: test us at the indoor facility, which we had to 354 00:16:26,680 --> 00:16:29,040 Speaker 1: walk up good ways to practice. So every day of 355 00:16:29,080 --> 00:16:32,840 Speaker 1: practice it was like a five hour energy shot bottle 356 00:16:32,960 --> 00:16:35,480 Speaker 1: of clean pea that I had in my girdle and 357 00:16:35,520 --> 00:16:37,120 Speaker 1: I'd put it over with my sneakers. So when they 358 00:16:37,200 --> 00:16:40,960 Speaker 1: practice ended, there'd be aligned for the drug tests. Your 359 00:16:41,200 --> 00:16:43,520 Speaker 1: crotch would be hot from practice because your PA had 360 00:16:43,560 --> 00:16:45,440 Speaker 1: to be a certain temperature or for them to accept it, 361 00:16:45,520 --> 00:16:48,400 Speaker 1: otherwise they'd be like nah, obviously. So I'd put it 362 00:16:48,440 --> 00:16:50,800 Speaker 1: in my crotch, keep it warm, and there'd be a 363 00:16:50,800 --> 00:16:52,240 Speaker 1: hole in the bott of my girdle and you can 364 00:16:52,480 --> 00:16:54,640 Speaker 1: squeeze the pee out into the cup. So I was 365 00:16:54,640 --> 00:16:56,160 Speaker 1: passing numerous tests. 366 00:16:56,560 --> 00:16:59,040 Speaker 2: How did you even how did you even come up 367 00:16:59,040 --> 00:17:01,400 Speaker 2: with that plan? Really curious that the process to be 368 00:17:01,440 --> 00:17:03,200 Speaker 2: like so, just so I won't get caught, this is 369 00:17:03,200 --> 00:17:03,840 Speaker 2: what I should do. 370 00:17:04,080 --> 00:17:07,160 Speaker 1: I mean, I was just basically soaking in knowledge from 371 00:17:07,200 --> 00:17:09,200 Speaker 1: what older guys on the team that I was rolling 372 00:17:09,240 --> 00:17:11,719 Speaker 1: with we're doing. I'll just absorbed it like a sponge, 373 00:17:11,760 --> 00:17:11,919 Speaker 1: you know. 374 00:17:13,240 --> 00:17:14,480 Speaker 2: So it's a whole process. 375 00:17:14,880 --> 00:17:16,639 Speaker 1: Yeah, in order to you know, keep what I'm doing 376 00:17:16,640 --> 00:17:18,520 Speaker 1: a lot, because I'm willing to do whatever for me 377 00:17:18,600 --> 00:17:20,800 Speaker 1: to keep doing what I'm doing. That's addiction. 378 00:17:21,359 --> 00:17:24,280 Speaker 2: Wow, fascinating, I feel because it feel like I had 379 00:17:24,320 --> 00:17:25,960 Speaker 2: so much trouble. I didn't feel like there was a 380 00:17:25,960 --> 00:17:26,960 Speaker 2: lot of trouble to you back then. 381 00:17:27,240 --> 00:17:31,040 Speaker 1: Looking back, it was looking back just the whole time. 382 00:17:31,119 --> 00:17:33,960 Speaker 1: It was exhausting, Like, but it's crazy in the moment, 383 00:17:34,000 --> 00:17:35,520 Speaker 1: you don't see it that way. You're just like, oh man, 384 00:17:35,560 --> 00:17:39,440 Speaker 1: I gotta like because when I do, you know, get 385 00:17:39,440 --> 00:17:41,840 Speaker 1: to where I want to get, Like, it's the piece 386 00:17:41,880 --> 00:17:44,359 Speaker 1: that comes from taking what I'm. 387 00:17:44,200 --> 00:17:48,880 Speaker 2: Taking, right, So when you then I'm fast, I'm fast forwarding. 388 00:17:49,200 --> 00:17:49,400 Speaker 1: Right. 389 00:17:49,440 --> 00:17:53,400 Speaker 2: So you go through college, you're able to avoid evade 390 00:17:53,440 --> 00:17:56,439 Speaker 2: whatever word you want to use this system because you 391 00:17:56,520 --> 00:17:58,920 Speaker 2: are really intelligent. This is what I always think. It's 392 00:17:58,960 --> 00:18:01,280 Speaker 2: interesting when people are breaking the law doing something that 393 00:18:01,280 --> 00:18:04,600 Speaker 2: they shouldn't do. Myself included, that's when you see how 394 00:18:04,640 --> 00:18:07,120 Speaker 2: smart someone because they're dumb criminals. 395 00:18:06,760 --> 00:18:12,359 Speaker 1: Right something crazy. So so I almost almost didn't make 396 00:18:12,359 --> 00:18:14,600 Speaker 1: it through college. It's like three strike thing. So I 397 00:18:14,600 --> 00:18:16,240 Speaker 1: had two strikes and made it out. But there was 398 00:18:16,280 --> 00:18:17,960 Speaker 1: one time where I think I had like a little 399 00:18:17,960 --> 00:18:21,040 Speaker 1: bit of clean time because like I was just under 400 00:18:21,080 --> 00:18:23,359 Speaker 1: I had to lay low for just like a little bit. 401 00:18:23,920 --> 00:18:26,320 Speaker 1: And it was after a fall camp scrimmage on a 402 00:18:26,359 --> 00:18:28,440 Speaker 1: Saturday morning. We had a piss test and this is 403 00:18:28,440 --> 00:18:30,679 Speaker 1: when they introduced a mouth swab. And they do a 404 00:18:30,680 --> 00:18:33,159 Speaker 1: mouth swab, they can detect if you views like the 405 00:18:33,200 --> 00:18:35,240 Speaker 1: last twenty four or forty eight hours and there was 406 00:18:35,280 --> 00:18:37,040 Speaker 1: a dude on my team where he's like odds to me, 407 00:18:37,200 --> 00:18:41,560 Speaker 1: He's like, I'm about to fail. So we swapped mouth swabs. 408 00:18:42,119 --> 00:18:46,560 Speaker 1: I give him my saliva, like so he can pass 409 00:18:46,600 --> 00:18:49,080 Speaker 1: the test. Like I've been clean, yeah for a little bit, 410 00:18:49,119 --> 00:18:50,000 Speaker 1: Like I can help you today. 411 00:18:50,160 --> 00:18:52,080 Speaker 2: Yeah, I get your like, look, I could do anything 412 00:18:52,119 --> 00:18:52,360 Speaker 2: for you. 413 00:18:52,440 --> 00:18:55,040 Speaker 1: They're sending me to outpatient programs and I'm getting tested 414 00:18:55,119 --> 00:18:57,359 Speaker 1: like like so there's like a little bit of spread 415 00:18:57,359 --> 00:18:58,960 Speaker 1: in there where I was like, all right, I'm clean, 416 00:18:59,040 --> 00:19:00,440 Speaker 1: but so I could help him day. 417 00:19:01,280 --> 00:19:04,359 Speaker 2: You know, that is crazy to me. So you're like 418 00:19:04,400 --> 00:19:06,679 Speaker 2: I'm the main one. But that tells me something. That 419 00:19:06,680 --> 00:19:09,320 Speaker 2: tells me you were really talented. That tells me that 420 00:19:09,400 --> 00:19:11,679 Speaker 2: they did everything to protect you because you were so 421 00:19:11,800 --> 00:19:15,520 Speaker 2: talented and you knew that and they knew that you 422 00:19:15,560 --> 00:19:18,240 Speaker 2: had a problem. Because if they're sending you to programs 423 00:19:18,280 --> 00:19:20,120 Speaker 2: and they're trying to take care of you, whoever they 424 00:19:20,240 --> 00:19:21,840 Speaker 2: is who was the day Georgia Tech. 425 00:19:22,160 --> 00:19:25,080 Speaker 1: Yeah Yeah, my college coach, coach Johnson, he would always 426 00:19:25,119 --> 00:19:28,159 Speaker 1: be like anytime I came into his office, He's like 427 00:19:28,160 --> 00:19:30,200 Speaker 1: you're tripping. But anytime they ask him an interview, he'd 428 00:19:30,200 --> 00:19:31,920 Speaker 1: be like, he playing on Sunday, And it's like I 429 00:19:31,920 --> 00:19:34,920 Speaker 1: didn't even believe I was going to play on Sunday. Interesting, 430 00:19:35,520 --> 00:19:36,200 Speaker 1: that's crazy. 431 00:19:36,800 --> 00:19:39,360 Speaker 2: Does that Did that make you feel good about yourself? 432 00:19:39,400 --> 00:19:41,080 Speaker 2: Knowing how talented you were that they would do by 433 00:19:41,080 --> 00:19:42,600 Speaker 2: any means necessary to protect you. 434 00:19:42,680 --> 00:19:44,240 Speaker 1: I couldn't see it that way because I didn't really 435 00:19:44,280 --> 00:19:46,040 Speaker 1: have a lot of confidence in myself. 436 00:19:46,119 --> 00:19:46,679 Speaker 2: How'd you see it? 437 00:19:46,760 --> 00:19:48,800 Speaker 1: Self respect? It was just like it was just like 438 00:19:49,480 --> 00:19:51,720 Speaker 1: that's a comp You know how people are, like they're 439 00:19:51,800 --> 00:19:54,320 Speaker 1: just like so awkward when they receive compliments. It's like 440 00:19:54,359 --> 00:19:56,360 Speaker 1: they just cannot refuse it. They're like, ah, nah, I 441 00:19:56,400 --> 00:19:58,600 Speaker 1: wasn't just that was kind of me like silently, I 442 00:19:58,640 --> 00:19:59,960 Speaker 1: just like I don't even know how to receive it. 443 00:20:00,560 --> 00:20:02,520 Speaker 1: So I just don't feel good about myself on a 444 00:20:02,600 --> 00:20:03,560 Speaker 1: day to day basis. 445 00:20:04,200 --> 00:20:07,919 Speaker 2: Did they ever try to do a mini intervention? Was 446 00:20:07,960 --> 00:20:10,360 Speaker 2: there ever a time where someone said, you're so talented, 447 00:20:10,440 --> 00:20:12,280 Speaker 2: you really got it, you really got to take care 448 00:20:12,320 --> 00:20:12,800 Speaker 2: of yourself. 449 00:20:12,880 --> 00:20:14,520 Speaker 1: A lot of people said that a lot of people 450 00:20:14,560 --> 00:20:17,520 Speaker 1: at Georgia Tech. John Harbaugh repeatedly with the Ravens. Ozzie 451 00:20:17,560 --> 00:20:20,960 Speaker 1: knew some would say that they come down in the 452 00:20:20,960 --> 00:20:22,639 Speaker 1: Cafeterian nig what do you do? 453 00:20:22,760 --> 00:20:22,879 Speaker 4: Like? 454 00:20:23,840 --> 00:20:25,280 Speaker 1: What do we gotta like? What do we gotta do? 455 00:20:25,720 --> 00:20:25,800 Speaker 4: Like? 456 00:20:26,040 --> 00:20:29,520 Speaker 1: And I'm just like, I leave that day get high? 457 00:20:30,040 --> 00:20:31,280 Speaker 2: What did you say when they say that? 458 00:20:31,560 --> 00:20:33,359 Speaker 1: Just like I'm trying to stop man Like, I'm not 459 00:20:33,640 --> 00:20:37,400 Speaker 1: like I give people to run around, Like that's giving 460 00:20:37,400 --> 00:20:37,920 Speaker 1: a run around. 461 00:20:38,040 --> 00:20:39,719 Speaker 2: Oh, but you knew you were telling them what they 462 00:20:39,760 --> 00:20:41,720 Speaker 2: wanted to hear, basically, But you knew right away you 463 00:20:41,720 --> 00:20:44,560 Speaker 2: get high when you leave. Was that guilt? 464 00:20:45,040 --> 00:20:49,280 Speaker 1: Yeah, that shame weighs on you. It's heavy, heavy, is exhausting. 465 00:20:49,720 --> 00:20:51,000 Speaker 1: And then it's like you're trying to go out on 466 00:20:51,040 --> 00:20:56,359 Speaker 1: the field and think like you're this undisciplined person in 467 00:20:56,400 --> 00:20:59,080 Speaker 1: your personal life and like having shame and not really 468 00:20:59,080 --> 00:21:00,680 Speaker 1: a lot of confidence. Suppos I'm supposed to go out 469 00:21:00,680 --> 00:21:03,800 Speaker 1: in the field and be this disciplined performer with confidence, 470 00:21:04,080 --> 00:21:06,879 Speaker 1: loyal to my team. It doesn't it's got to be 471 00:21:07,000 --> 00:21:10,959 Speaker 1: you got to be that person. And just without the pads. 472 00:21:09,440 --> 00:21:13,000 Speaker 2: On, I am listening to you tell this like version 473 00:21:13,119 --> 00:21:16,520 Speaker 2: of this story, and all I think as I'm hearing 474 00:21:16,520 --> 00:21:19,359 Speaker 2: you say this is that people really cared about you 475 00:21:19,760 --> 00:21:23,280 Speaker 2: and really really loved you and really wanted you to 476 00:21:23,359 --> 00:21:26,800 Speaker 2: be your best at all times. Like you had a 477 00:21:26,840 --> 00:21:29,320 Speaker 2: community of people fighting for you. Why you weren't fighting 478 00:21:29,320 --> 00:21:31,920 Speaker 2: for yourself all the time. And I know that probably 479 00:21:31,960 --> 00:21:34,960 Speaker 2: makes you feel guilty, but I also would feel I 480 00:21:35,119 --> 00:21:37,080 Speaker 2: was like on the outside looking in, I'm like, oh, 481 00:21:37,119 --> 00:21:39,399 Speaker 2: he's really special. I think it was more than just 482 00:21:39,440 --> 00:21:42,399 Speaker 2: your talent. They really felt like you were special. Did 483 00:21:42,480 --> 00:21:44,280 Speaker 2: you feel that, Yeah, it. 484 00:21:44,200 --> 00:21:49,200 Speaker 1: Was just hard to receive that level of love. I'm 485 00:21:49,240 --> 00:21:51,480 Speaker 1: just like, you know, kind of talk about the therapist 486 00:21:51,520 --> 00:21:53,120 Speaker 1: saying from when we were kids, like from his kids. 487 00:21:53,160 --> 00:21:54,959 Speaker 1: I'm just like, I got to be doing something for 488 00:21:54,960 --> 00:21:57,399 Speaker 1: people to love me. It's the truth that's in my mind. Ye. 489 00:21:57,680 --> 00:21:57,880 Speaker 4: Same. 490 00:21:58,119 --> 00:22:00,560 Speaker 1: So it's like I'm doing all these things that I 491 00:22:00,600 --> 00:22:02,840 Speaker 1: know people would think are crazy if they knew I 492 00:22:02,920 --> 00:22:06,680 Speaker 1: was doing them. So it's like I'm a piece of 493 00:22:06,720 --> 00:22:09,280 Speaker 1: shit in your mind kind of. And so it's like 494 00:22:09,320 --> 00:22:11,440 Speaker 1: when people it's hard for you to process. So it's 495 00:22:11,440 --> 00:22:13,879 Speaker 1: like if anybody was what was really loved, it was 496 00:22:13,920 --> 00:22:15,679 Speaker 1: just like, ah, get away from me. Can people at 497 00:22:15,720 --> 00:22:18,399 Speaker 1: arm's length because they're trying to the walls are closing 498 00:22:18,400 --> 00:22:20,080 Speaker 1: it as opposed to me being able to see it 499 00:22:20,080 --> 00:22:20,480 Speaker 1: as love. 500 00:22:21,280 --> 00:22:23,800 Speaker 2: That's nice. That's nice, meaning like it's nice for you 501 00:22:23,840 --> 00:22:26,119 Speaker 2: to recognize what it is now and the outside looking in. 502 00:22:26,240 --> 00:22:26,880 Speaker 4: That's nice. 503 00:22:27,160 --> 00:22:30,560 Speaker 2: So then I can see Ozzie and Harwack coming to you, Sam, 504 00:22:30,600 --> 00:22:32,199 Speaker 2: what's going on? You got to get it together and 505 00:22:32,240 --> 00:22:33,639 Speaker 2: you're not the only one. I don't want you to 506 00:22:33,640 --> 00:22:35,200 Speaker 2: feel like that. I hope I'm not making you feel 507 00:22:35,240 --> 00:22:37,760 Speaker 2: like why just why aren't you doing this? I understand 508 00:22:37,760 --> 00:22:40,680 Speaker 2: that that is a real issue, because it's that's addictive behavior. 509 00:22:41,160 --> 00:22:44,439 Speaker 2: And then you find yourself in a space where you, 510 00:22:45,359 --> 00:22:47,560 Speaker 2: I guess maybe fail too many drug tests and they 511 00:22:47,560 --> 00:22:50,360 Speaker 2: suspend you wait and they're like enough to not way 512 00:22:50,400 --> 00:22:52,600 Speaker 2: too many. Well, You're like, you have no idea. How 513 00:22:52,600 --> 00:22:55,240 Speaker 2: many drug tests do you think you failed? Well, while 514 00:22:55,240 --> 00:22:56,240 Speaker 2: you were in the league. 515 00:22:56,560 --> 00:22:58,920 Speaker 1: I mean there was there was time like I'm getting 516 00:22:58,920 --> 00:23:04,879 Speaker 1: a weekly FedEx saying you tested positive for oxycodon, just 517 00:23:05,000 --> 00:23:10,399 Speaker 1: positive for cocaine, just positive for marijuana, alcohol like weekly. 518 00:23:10,480 --> 00:23:11,760 Speaker 1: And then there was a point in time after my 519 00:23:12,080 --> 00:23:15,359 Speaker 1: second season where I tore my label on my shoulder 520 00:23:15,400 --> 00:23:17,760 Speaker 1: and I was just like, I'm just about to burn 521 00:23:17,800 --> 00:23:19,760 Speaker 1: this all to the ground and I was just failing 522 00:23:19,840 --> 00:23:25,560 Speaker 1: every test on purpose. So I'll say one hundred maybe 523 00:23:26,040 --> 00:23:27,879 Speaker 1: at least probably Wow. 524 00:23:28,200 --> 00:23:31,280 Speaker 2: Yeah, So what did it take for them to finally suspend. 525 00:23:30,880 --> 00:23:32,560 Speaker 4: You for you do? 526 00:23:32,600 --> 00:23:35,120 Speaker 2: You got to rack up two hundred what what I mean? 527 00:23:35,280 --> 00:23:37,920 Speaker 1: So if you just look at the scale, you got 528 00:23:37,920 --> 00:23:39,760 Speaker 1: to rack up a lot of failed tests just to 529 00:23:39,800 --> 00:23:42,240 Speaker 1: even be suspended for a game, like you go through. 530 00:23:42,280 --> 00:23:44,000 Speaker 1: The first time you fail tests, they put you in 531 00:23:44,040 --> 00:23:46,639 Speaker 1: the drug program. You're just in the program. There's no 532 00:23:46,680 --> 00:23:50,639 Speaker 1: real consequences. Next test your doc. One games pay, but 533 00:23:50,800 --> 00:23:52,960 Speaker 1: you still play. Then it's two games pay. Then it's 534 00:23:52,960 --> 00:23:54,879 Speaker 1: four games pay all before you even get to being 535 00:23:54,920 --> 00:23:57,360 Speaker 1: suspended for a game. Then it's you're suspended one game 536 00:23:57,359 --> 00:23:59,280 Speaker 1: and then two games, then four games in eight games. 537 00:23:59,320 --> 00:24:04,240 Speaker 1: Then I'll stand here playing for free a year. 538 00:24:07,400 --> 00:24:08,280 Speaker 2: That's not funny. 539 00:24:08,720 --> 00:24:10,760 Speaker 1: Dudes on the practice Squadudes on the practice squad were 540 00:24:10,760 --> 00:24:13,200 Speaker 1: making more money than me my second year. 541 00:24:14,840 --> 00:24:16,119 Speaker 2: That still didn't bother you. 542 00:24:17,080 --> 00:24:21,199 Speaker 1: Hooks too deep at that point, so yes, ye're not 543 00:24:21,240 --> 00:24:22,119 Speaker 1: making a lot of money. 544 00:24:22,160 --> 00:24:25,199 Speaker 2: Fascinating, it really is, because it just talks about how 545 00:24:25,200 --> 00:24:27,159 Speaker 2: strong it can be. Whatever it is, whatever the device is, 546 00:24:27,200 --> 00:24:29,199 Speaker 2: whatever the addiction is. It could be it doesn't have 547 00:24:29,240 --> 00:24:31,480 Speaker 2: to be drugs. It could be a relationship, it could 548 00:24:31,480 --> 00:24:34,639 Speaker 2: be shopping, like we talked about. Whatever it is, it 549 00:24:34,640 --> 00:24:36,440 Speaker 2: could be. It could have such a hold on you 550 00:24:36,960 --> 00:24:39,359 Speaker 2: that it doesn't matter what it is. 551 00:24:39,640 --> 00:24:40,159 Speaker 1: It doesn't. 552 00:24:40,920 --> 00:24:42,919 Speaker 2: So then you finally get to the point where they 553 00:24:42,920 --> 00:24:45,240 Speaker 2: suspend you for a year, and you and you know 554 00:24:46,040 --> 00:24:49,640 Speaker 2: that it's time, right, what do you feel? Are you embarrassed? 555 00:24:49,640 --> 00:24:50,360 Speaker 2: Are you ashamed? 556 00:24:50,760 --> 00:24:53,840 Speaker 1: Yeah, definitely ashamed. I remember I have a cousin, she 557 00:24:54,680 --> 00:24:56,920 Speaker 1: lived in DC, and she was a part of this 558 00:24:57,160 --> 00:24:59,200 Speaker 1: board of people that are like, it's like a leader 559 00:24:59,200 --> 00:25:02,640 Speaker 1: summer leadership, a council for these kids in DC that are, 560 00:25:02,760 --> 00:25:04,399 Speaker 1: you know, trying to go whatever path are trying to go, 561 00:25:04,480 --> 00:25:06,159 Speaker 1: and they wanted me to come speak on it. I 562 00:25:06,200 --> 00:25:07,919 Speaker 1: think it was like the day after I got suspended, 563 00:25:08,200 --> 00:25:11,800 Speaker 1: I'm up there. I'm like, I'm a complete fraud. 564 00:25:12,160 --> 00:25:12,560 Speaker 4: Kids. 565 00:25:13,160 --> 00:25:14,520 Speaker 1: I don't think it hit yet, but I got the 566 00:25:14,600 --> 00:25:17,960 Speaker 1: letter and I was like, man, like, I'm up here 567 00:25:17,960 --> 00:25:20,080 Speaker 1: telling these kids a whole bunch of mores like that 568 00:25:20,160 --> 00:25:22,920 Speaker 1: I'm not really living, you know. So it's and then 569 00:25:22,960 --> 00:25:25,960 Speaker 1: from there I was just like I started using more. 570 00:25:26,760 --> 00:25:29,680 Speaker 1: I mean I'm I'm coming hills doing cold drinking. 571 00:25:29,680 --> 00:25:32,399 Speaker 2: Great were here, We're gonna go all in. 572 00:25:32,840 --> 00:25:34,679 Speaker 1: I had to get stop. People were like, when you 573 00:25:34,720 --> 00:25:36,720 Speaker 1: decided to stop. I was like, it wouldn't me decided 574 00:25:36,720 --> 00:25:38,600 Speaker 1: to stop. I got stopped, I got parked. 575 00:25:40,680 --> 00:25:42,800 Speaker 2: Okay, I have a question, but what you said about 576 00:25:42,800 --> 00:25:47,199 Speaker 2: being a fraud. I had just interviewed Elliott Connie and 577 00:25:47,240 --> 00:25:48,879 Speaker 2: he said the same thing about himself, but he was 578 00:25:48,920 --> 00:25:51,280 Speaker 2: a fraud in a very different way. He said when 579 00:25:51,280 --> 00:25:54,040 Speaker 2: he was playing baseball in college, he would see kids, 580 00:25:54,400 --> 00:25:56,280 Speaker 2: I mean dudes would come up to him and or 581 00:25:56,400 --> 00:25:58,560 Speaker 2: one dude in particular kind of nerd, and he was like, man, 582 00:25:58,560 --> 00:26:00,919 Speaker 2: you got the life you play. You did that. I 583 00:26:00,960 --> 00:26:03,399 Speaker 2: just want to be And he was like, such a 584 00:26:03,480 --> 00:26:05,000 Speaker 2: for all my life is horrible. 585 00:26:05,040 --> 00:26:07,000 Speaker 1: Oh, I know that feeling also well when I was 586 00:26:07,560 --> 00:26:09,040 Speaker 1: I guess one probably the thing that made me most 587 00:26:09,040 --> 00:26:12,800 Speaker 1: fulfilled playing football, honestly was like when we would be 588 00:26:12,840 --> 00:26:14,840 Speaker 1: at practice and there would be like young guys on 589 00:26:14,880 --> 00:26:18,080 Speaker 1: the team or and you could see like they may 590 00:26:18,240 --> 00:26:20,680 Speaker 1: drop past or they may do something, and it's like, look, 591 00:26:20,720 --> 00:26:22,080 Speaker 1: there's kind of like a kid that's on the island 592 00:26:22,080 --> 00:26:24,879 Speaker 1: on their own. Feeling like I just messed all this up. 593 00:26:24,960 --> 00:26:26,360 Speaker 1: It's like going over there and being like, ay bro, 594 00:26:26,480 --> 00:26:27,359 Speaker 1: like don't trip, Like. 595 00:26:28,800 --> 00:26:29,760 Speaker 2: Why did it fulfill you? 596 00:26:30,400 --> 00:26:33,639 Speaker 1: Because I could just see myself back in my early 597 00:26:33,720 --> 00:26:36,360 Speaker 1: career in times where it was just like I'm suffering 598 00:26:36,440 --> 00:26:39,280 Speaker 1: by myself, and like those little moments start to stack, 599 00:26:39,320 --> 00:26:42,160 Speaker 1: it can start the snowball as far as your mental 600 00:26:42,160 --> 00:26:43,679 Speaker 1: health is concerned. I'll just go there and be like 601 00:26:43,720 --> 00:26:46,720 Speaker 1: just playing that. He'd be like, ay bro, like you 602 00:26:46,760 --> 00:26:48,520 Speaker 1: ain't got to stay in that, Like there's no there's 603 00:26:48,560 --> 00:26:51,719 Speaker 1: no one thing that can ultimately define you. Because for me, 604 00:26:51,800 --> 00:26:55,560 Speaker 1: it's like I was defined by pass and mistakes. There's 605 00:26:55,600 --> 00:26:58,040 Speaker 1: no hell hout to me. 606 00:26:59,359 --> 00:27:02,040 Speaker 2: My equivalent would be pronouncing someone's name wrong. Yes, that 607 00:27:02,200 --> 00:27:06,720 Speaker 2: happened in air. Okay, let's talk about the day if 608 00:27:06,720 --> 00:27:08,600 Speaker 2: you don't mind day that part. 609 00:27:08,880 --> 00:27:13,480 Speaker 1: Yeah. August eleven, twenty seventeen. I yeah, overdosed on. I 610 00:27:13,480 --> 00:27:15,320 Speaker 1: was taking a Perker set and the other people in 611 00:27:15,359 --> 00:27:17,960 Speaker 1: Baltimore at the time that are like, hey, like be careful, 612 00:27:18,040 --> 00:27:18,960 Speaker 1: they're pressing pills. 613 00:27:19,000 --> 00:27:19,160 Speaker 4: Now. 614 00:27:19,200 --> 00:27:22,119 Speaker 1: It could be fitting all D D and so, but 615 00:27:22,359 --> 00:27:24,520 Speaker 1: you know people are like, ah, it can't happen to me, 616 00:27:24,800 --> 00:27:29,280 Speaker 1: Like I'm I'm probably like I'm this athlete and at 617 00:27:29,320 --> 00:27:31,800 Speaker 1: the time, I would snort pills because like you get 618 00:27:32,040 --> 00:27:34,920 Speaker 1: hit quicker, like did you take them orally like twenty 619 00:27:34,960 --> 00:27:37,359 Speaker 1: minutes or so, like I need to be need for 620 00:27:37,440 --> 00:27:40,840 Speaker 1: that immediately. Then I pulled up to the giant grocery 621 00:27:40,840 --> 00:27:43,359 Speaker 1: store by my apartment and it was like about to 622 00:27:43,400 --> 00:27:44,959 Speaker 1: get out the car, but then I was like, oo, 623 00:27:45,000 --> 00:27:46,960 Speaker 1: if I get this car, I'm gonna just PLoP on 624 00:27:47,000 --> 00:27:49,920 Speaker 1: the ground, like it'll be a whole scene, like, can't 625 00:27:49,960 --> 00:27:53,439 Speaker 1: have that. I just closed the door and just like 626 00:27:53,760 --> 00:27:55,119 Speaker 1: sat back in my car and it was just like 627 00:27:55,160 --> 00:27:56,720 Speaker 1: somebody pulled the plug from behind the TV. 628 00:27:58,080 --> 00:28:01,439 Speaker 2: Really, yeah, when you're aware, you're aware, are you? 629 00:28:01,800 --> 00:28:03,320 Speaker 1: Like I was just it was just like I was 630 00:28:03,440 --> 00:28:06,040 Speaker 1: like one second, it was like like like the plug 631 00:28:06,080 --> 00:28:08,480 Speaker 1: by the TV got pulled, and I'm just like and 632 00:28:08,480 --> 00:28:10,440 Speaker 1: then I wake up and it's like nighttime. 633 00:28:10,720 --> 00:28:15,360 Speaker 2: And are you in the same space, And I'm like cold. 634 00:28:15,119 --> 00:28:19,199 Speaker 1: And like like big huge beads of sweat, Like you 635 00:28:19,280 --> 00:28:21,080 Speaker 1: never think your beads of sweat would be that big. 636 00:28:21,119 --> 00:28:24,200 Speaker 1: It was just like whole like and I was just like. 637 00:28:24,280 --> 00:28:27,480 Speaker 2: Yeah, no one came to the car, No one knocked 638 00:28:27,520 --> 00:28:30,119 Speaker 2: on the door. No one noticed you sleeping. You were 639 00:28:30,160 --> 00:28:31,560 Speaker 2: just in the parking lot by yourself. 640 00:28:31,720 --> 00:28:31,920 Speaker 1: Yeah. 641 00:28:34,400 --> 00:28:35,840 Speaker 2: Then what I went home? 642 00:28:35,880 --> 00:28:37,400 Speaker 1: My dad had landed. We were supposed to be moving 643 00:28:37,400 --> 00:28:38,880 Speaker 1: out of my apartment the next day because I was 644 00:28:39,000 --> 00:28:40,840 Speaker 1: I got suspended. I was moving back home to my parents, 645 00:28:40,920 --> 00:28:44,520 Speaker 1: and I just you know, got together and just started 646 00:28:44,560 --> 00:28:46,760 Speaker 1: moving stuff out and just went home and never really 647 00:28:46,800 --> 00:28:50,520 Speaker 1: told anybody until like I go through go through therapy, 648 00:28:50,560 --> 00:28:53,720 Speaker 1: and then you're like, oh, like you just falling. I 649 00:28:53,760 --> 00:28:55,440 Speaker 1: didn't just voluntarily take a nap that day. 650 00:28:56,000 --> 00:28:59,520 Speaker 2: Yeah, So did someone have to tell you you overdose? 651 00:28:59,600 --> 00:29:03,600 Speaker 1: You like putting the pieces together? Like after I was like, ah, 652 00:29:03,680 --> 00:29:05,080 Speaker 1: like that's what that was. 653 00:29:05,600 --> 00:29:08,080 Speaker 2: So you didn't know what that was. And then you 654 00:29:08,160 --> 00:29:10,400 Speaker 2: got on a plane and you you packed up, you 655 00:29:10,400 --> 00:29:12,320 Speaker 2: bet your dad like no big deal, and kept doing 656 00:29:12,320 --> 00:29:12,680 Speaker 2: your own thing. 657 00:29:12,720 --> 00:29:14,800 Speaker 1: I just thought I was like too high or just like. 658 00:29:15,720 --> 00:29:18,200 Speaker 2: Do you know how incredibly lucky you are? Right and 659 00:29:18,320 --> 00:29:19,400 Speaker 2: so blessed. 660 00:29:20,600 --> 00:29:21,200 Speaker 1: All the story? 661 00:29:22,080 --> 00:29:25,880 Speaker 2: Wow, that's amazing. But your whole life, your whole life, 662 00:29:26,440 --> 00:29:28,560 Speaker 2: So what do you do with this this vacation that 663 00:29:28,640 --> 00:29:29,600 Speaker 2: the NFL gives you? 664 00:29:29,720 --> 00:29:31,040 Speaker 1: I went to rehab and Maine. 665 00:29:31,840 --> 00:29:33,560 Speaker 2: What made you do that because you overdosed. 666 00:29:34,120 --> 00:29:36,719 Speaker 1: Well, So that was when I didn't say anything coming 667 00:29:36,760 --> 00:29:38,080 Speaker 1: out of it. But once I got home, it was 668 00:29:38,120 --> 00:29:40,640 Speaker 1: just like I got a call from the Ravens doctors. 669 00:29:40,640 --> 00:29:43,440 Speaker 1: They're like, we're afraid for your life. We're still getting 670 00:29:43,440 --> 00:29:46,120 Speaker 1: your toxicology results. It just keeps getting worse and worse. 671 00:29:46,680 --> 00:29:48,880 Speaker 1: Like and so like once you see this addiction specialist 672 00:29:49,400 --> 00:29:52,720 Speaker 1: in Georgia and I went there and and the dudes like, yeah, 673 00:29:52,840 --> 00:29:54,600 Speaker 1: I took this assessment. They're like, yeah, you need to 674 00:29:54,600 --> 00:29:58,920 Speaker 1: go to rehab immediately, dual diagnosis, substance peace, mental health, 675 00:29:59,680 --> 00:30:01,000 Speaker 1: everything like go. 676 00:30:01,640 --> 00:30:02,440 Speaker 2: And you're like I'm out. 677 00:30:02,640 --> 00:30:04,360 Speaker 1: I was just like you do what really need it? 678 00:30:05,960 --> 00:30:08,440 Speaker 1: You're still Then it's like then after that, I was 679 00:30:08,440 --> 00:30:11,760 Speaker 1: like okay, like I'm open. Then my parents kind of 680 00:30:11,760 --> 00:30:13,480 Speaker 1: had a moment wherever it was like you could tell 681 00:30:13,600 --> 00:30:15,920 Speaker 1: like they wish they never had to have told me. 682 00:30:15,920 --> 00:30:19,200 Speaker 1: But it's basically like, yeah, addiction kind of runs in 683 00:30:19,240 --> 00:30:19,760 Speaker 1: this tree. 684 00:30:20,320 --> 00:30:22,760 Speaker 2: Oh so it's all coming together. 685 00:30:22,960 --> 00:30:25,040 Speaker 1: So it's like I didn't really have a shot to 686 00:30:25,080 --> 00:30:26,160 Speaker 1: not be like this. 687 00:30:27,000 --> 00:30:27,360 Speaker 4: Wow. 688 00:30:27,880 --> 00:30:29,400 Speaker 1: But then it's like a moment of like, oh, well, 689 00:30:29,400 --> 00:30:30,240 Speaker 1: what are you gonna do now? 690 00:30:31,800 --> 00:30:36,800 Speaker 2: So wow, that's a lot. Yeah, so your parents tell 691 00:30:36,840 --> 00:30:39,200 Speaker 2: you that it runs in the family, and how do 692 00:30:39,320 --> 00:30:40,600 Speaker 2: you respond to that. 693 00:30:41,040 --> 00:30:44,520 Speaker 1: I think I respond pretty positively, just just enough openness 694 00:30:44,600 --> 00:30:46,480 Speaker 1: to go and be like all right, like let me 695 00:30:46,520 --> 00:30:48,080 Speaker 1: see what they got. And then it was just like 696 00:30:48,120 --> 00:30:52,720 Speaker 1: a game changing experience, which means getting in touch with 697 00:30:52,800 --> 00:30:55,400 Speaker 1: like the first time, like I'm honest about how I'm 698 00:30:55,440 --> 00:30:57,640 Speaker 1: really doing and how I'm really feeling. And it's just 699 00:30:57,640 --> 00:31:01,760 Speaker 1: like I instantly feel lighter, like when I have somewhere 700 00:31:01,800 --> 00:31:05,760 Speaker 1: to like put this gest that I just have fermenting 701 00:31:05,800 --> 00:31:06,520 Speaker 1: on the other side of me. 702 00:31:06,680 --> 00:31:08,200 Speaker 2: Yes, I'm excited, and it's. 703 00:31:08,040 --> 00:31:10,560 Speaker 1: Like, oh, okay, that's started diving into like the one 704 00:31:10,600 --> 00:31:14,480 Speaker 1: on one therapy and going to meetings and you know, 705 00:31:14,600 --> 00:31:17,880 Speaker 1: doing all those things, and it's just like it was 706 00:31:17,920 --> 00:31:22,080 Speaker 1: exactly what I needed. And I came home and kept 707 00:31:22,080 --> 00:31:23,880 Speaker 1: going to meetings, got a job at Sprouts. 708 00:31:24,560 --> 00:31:27,960 Speaker 2: When we return, Darren tells us about his job stocking 709 00:31:28,000 --> 00:31:31,080 Speaker 2: shelves at Sprouts while he was waiting to get back 710 00:31:31,120 --> 00:31:35,000 Speaker 2: in the NFL. He also talks about ultimately deciding to 711 00:31:35,120 --> 00:31:38,160 Speaker 2: retire from the league and getting a divorce from w 712 00:31:38,400 --> 00:31:42,000 Speaker 2: NBA superstar Kelsey Plum back in a moment. 713 00:31:44,400 --> 00:31:47,400 Speaker 1: This too pass. If you depressed us, know that it's 714 00:31:47,440 --> 00:31:51,719 Speaker 1: too pass. When you're afraid, remember this shot pass. I 715 00:31:51,760 --> 00:31:55,280 Speaker 1: know it's hard, dog to pass what you're telling Bro 716 00:31:57,120 --> 00:31:59,520 Speaker 1: showed your head king this too shot pass. You know 717 00:31:59,600 --> 00:32:01,320 Speaker 1: you wish you with dad a baby. This is too 718 00:32:01,400 --> 00:32:04,120 Speaker 1: shot past. You can't see the way, but it's too 719 00:32:04,160 --> 00:32:04,760 Speaker 1: shot past. 720 00:32:04,840 --> 00:32:46,520 Speaker 4: Yeah, I just want. 721 00:32:46,320 --> 00:32:48,200 Speaker 1: To turn the page on this whole thing. I'm done 722 00:32:48,240 --> 00:32:50,720 Speaker 1: with this chapter. I'm done being an actor. No, they 723 00:32:50,760 --> 00:32:52,520 Speaker 1: don't really care that. Just want to be entertained. 724 00:32:52,600 --> 00:32:53,560 Speaker 4: What about me after? 725 00:32:53,920 --> 00:32:56,240 Speaker 1: What about my joy? What about my feast? Dog, I'm 726 00:32:56,240 --> 00:32:58,720 Speaker 1: gonna need green pastors. But I'll keep telling you that 727 00:32:58,800 --> 00:33:01,200 Speaker 1: I'm fine, that I want to make it work. But 728 00:33:01,240 --> 00:33:03,320 Speaker 1: it's not time I want to. I was at a 729 00:33:03,360 --> 00:33:06,040 Speaker 1: grocery clerk, so I was just like making the shelves 730 00:33:06,040 --> 00:33:10,560 Speaker 1: look nice, and uh, people wanted autograph six pH water. 731 00:33:10,640 --> 00:33:12,360 Speaker 2: Wait a second, do people know who you were while 732 00:33:12,400 --> 00:33:13,480 Speaker 2: you were working at sprouts? 733 00:33:13,520 --> 00:33:16,760 Speaker 1: I was not like a bit like maybe they did, 734 00:33:16,840 --> 00:33:18,720 Speaker 1: but like I didn't really have anything. 735 00:33:18,720 --> 00:33:20,520 Speaker 2: Physically, you don't look like somebody. 736 00:33:20,680 --> 00:33:22,120 Speaker 1: They were just like, yeah, can you get this off 737 00:33:22,160 --> 00:33:22,440 Speaker 1: the top? 738 00:33:22,600 --> 00:33:24,760 Speaker 4: Yeah, because you're. 739 00:33:24,560 --> 00:33:27,240 Speaker 2: Like physically this big person is working. You don't look 740 00:33:27,280 --> 00:33:28,320 Speaker 2: like you should be working here, Like. 741 00:33:28,680 --> 00:33:30,720 Speaker 1: Shouldn't you be on the field somewhere. It's a long story, 742 00:33:31,200 --> 00:33:32,720 Speaker 1: I tell you. 743 00:33:32,960 --> 00:33:35,320 Speaker 2: Talk to you too. So during that year you worked 744 00:33:35,360 --> 00:33:38,560 Speaker 2: at Sprout, you went to therapy. Life humbles you and 745 00:33:38,680 --> 00:33:40,480 Speaker 2: a very oh. But the fact that you went and 746 00:33:40,520 --> 00:33:43,280 Speaker 2: got a job says so much about you. Do you understand, 747 00:33:43,320 --> 00:33:45,440 Speaker 2: Like I'm sitting here like happy for you because you 748 00:33:45,520 --> 00:33:48,960 Speaker 2: did that. You didn't have to appreciate that you didn't 749 00:33:49,000 --> 00:33:50,040 Speaker 2: have to or did you want? 750 00:33:50,080 --> 00:33:52,840 Speaker 1: I needed structure. That's why I realized like, if I 751 00:33:52,840 --> 00:33:56,040 Speaker 1: don't got structure, I'm I'm fucked. 752 00:33:56,480 --> 00:33:56,720 Speaker 2: Yeah. 753 00:33:56,760 --> 00:33:59,440 Speaker 1: So this dude that worked that assistant storemander As Sprouts 754 00:33:59,480 --> 00:34:02,320 Speaker 1: when church my parents, She's like, oh, we got job openings. 755 00:34:02,440 --> 00:34:04,080 Speaker 1: And I was like, all right. I thought I was 756 00:34:04,080 --> 00:34:05,400 Speaker 1: gonna go there and be like, oh, I'm a George 757 00:34:05,400 --> 00:34:07,120 Speaker 1: Stay graduate. I could be an assistant manager too. And 758 00:34:07,160 --> 00:34:08,399 Speaker 1: I was like, oh, we need a grocery clerk. 759 00:34:08,440 --> 00:34:11,759 Speaker 2: And I was like, and you did it, and you 760 00:34:11,880 --> 00:34:14,080 Speaker 2: did it. That makes me happy for you. 761 00:34:14,400 --> 00:34:15,800 Speaker 1: That's how God works. It's crazy. 762 00:34:16,239 --> 00:34:22,080 Speaker 2: He's such a good guy. Then the suspension is wrapping up, right, 763 00:34:22,640 --> 00:34:24,600 Speaker 2: talk to me about how you got back into the 764 00:34:24,680 --> 00:34:26,959 Speaker 2: league and then you did so well. 765 00:34:27,560 --> 00:34:29,279 Speaker 1: Yeah, it's just all crazy because I didn't even want 766 00:34:29,280 --> 00:34:30,840 Speaker 1: to go back for real. But then I started training 767 00:34:31,040 --> 00:34:33,680 Speaker 1: and I was realizing, like, I don't really have anybody 768 00:34:33,680 --> 00:34:35,319 Speaker 1: that measures this up against. But I feel like I'm 769 00:34:35,320 --> 00:34:38,480 Speaker 1: getting pretty good or just like you know, like building 770 00:34:38,680 --> 00:34:40,919 Speaker 1: in my skill set. It's improving. And I get back 771 00:34:40,920 --> 00:34:43,040 Speaker 1: to the Ravens that get reinstated in my first day 772 00:34:43,040 --> 00:34:45,160 Speaker 1: of training camp and whut they're cooking everybody. But then 773 00:34:45,200 --> 00:34:47,640 Speaker 1: they drafted Mark Andrews and hitting hers and they're like, 774 00:34:47,719 --> 00:34:49,960 Speaker 1: you know, they already goodan because I mean I never 775 00:34:50,239 --> 00:34:52,400 Speaker 1: really showed anything that they could put trust in. So 776 00:34:52,480 --> 00:34:54,719 Speaker 1: I got cutting put on a practice squad. I was 777 00:34:54,719 --> 00:34:57,879 Speaker 1: in the practice squad for like ten eleven weeks, and 778 00:34:58,239 --> 00:35:00,319 Speaker 1: then we were there's a way they played the play 779 00:35:00,360 --> 00:35:03,800 Speaker 1: the Raiders one Sunday and rather doing my pregame routine, 780 00:35:03,880 --> 00:35:05,560 Speaker 1: me and this other receiver on the team, we'd run 781 00:35:05,600 --> 00:35:07,799 Speaker 1: and throw extra routes with RG three would throw to us. 782 00:35:08,600 --> 00:35:10,839 Speaker 1: And so that day I just do that and come 783 00:35:10,840 --> 00:35:12,680 Speaker 1: in to the locker room and put my sweats on, 784 00:35:12,760 --> 00:35:14,960 Speaker 1: watch the game, go home. The next morning my agent's like, 785 00:35:15,040 --> 00:35:17,600 Speaker 1: you got signed by the Oakland Raiders. You're going to 786 00:35:17,640 --> 00:35:20,359 Speaker 1: Oakland and your flights at like noon. I'm not after shit. 787 00:35:21,280 --> 00:35:23,400 Speaker 1: So I was like, yeah, I could use a new 788 00:35:23,400 --> 00:35:25,560 Speaker 1: scene because you know, they were used to me being 789 00:35:25,680 --> 00:35:29,239 Speaker 1: the yeah, and they were like they were like, oh, 790 00:35:29,239 --> 00:35:31,120 Speaker 1: we're proud of you how you're developing, Like if somebody 791 00:35:31,160 --> 00:35:32,520 Speaker 1: gets hurt, we'll give you a shot. And I'm just 792 00:35:32,560 --> 00:35:34,480 Speaker 1: like I need a new a scene where people kind 793 00:35:34,520 --> 00:35:35,640 Speaker 1: of like like they're excited. 794 00:35:35,640 --> 00:35:38,160 Speaker 2: They're like, we want you here where Yeah, you would 795 00:35:38,160 --> 00:35:39,839 Speaker 2: have always been a relationship where they want you. 796 00:35:40,160 --> 00:35:42,919 Speaker 1: Yeah, it's just a different level. Yeah. Yeah, sorry, coach, 797 00:35:43,000 --> 00:35:46,279 Speaker 1: I'm gone and went to the Raiders and first couple 798 00:35:46,280 --> 00:35:47,759 Speaker 1: of games I played special teams. And there was a 799 00:35:47,800 --> 00:35:50,279 Speaker 1: week we played the Bengals. They had a couple of 800 00:35:50,280 --> 00:35:53,200 Speaker 1: plays in me and for offense, and I touched the 801 00:35:53,200 --> 00:35:55,040 Speaker 1: ball twice in the game. The first one I took 802 00:35:55,040 --> 00:35:56,960 Speaker 1: a just sweep for like twenty five yards and the 803 00:35:57,000 --> 00:35:58,719 Speaker 1: other one I caught a pass for like forty someven yards. 804 00:35:58,719 --> 00:36:01,640 Speaker 1: And I was like, yeah, this is like a this 805 00:36:01,719 --> 00:36:03,239 Speaker 1: is you can't even write script this shit. 806 00:36:03,520 --> 00:36:07,319 Speaker 2: Yeah. I remember covering you always talk about how great 807 00:36:07,360 --> 00:36:09,560 Speaker 2: you were and your story was so inspirational? Was that 808 00:36:09,920 --> 00:36:11,880 Speaker 2: to me? And I always thought to myself on the 809 00:36:11,880 --> 00:36:15,640 Speaker 2: outside looking in, when everyone would have these what we 810 00:36:15,719 --> 00:36:18,200 Speaker 2: call packages about you and what you had been able 811 00:36:18,200 --> 00:36:22,560 Speaker 2: to accomplish, I thought that felt like pressure, maybe undue pressure. 812 00:36:23,040 --> 00:36:25,440 Speaker 2: Did you like the attention that you were receiving and 813 00:36:25,920 --> 00:36:30,000 Speaker 2: the way the narrative had splipped from you know, he 814 00:36:30,080 --> 00:36:32,440 Speaker 2: had this problem, but now he's back and he's bigger 815 00:36:32,480 --> 00:36:34,879 Speaker 2: than ever, and he's great, and this is an inspirational 816 00:36:34,960 --> 00:36:37,239 Speaker 2: story and he's Was that any pressure for you? 817 00:36:37,560 --> 00:36:40,399 Speaker 1: It all happened really fast. I went from working at 818 00:36:40,440 --> 00:36:44,120 Speaker 1: sprouts to second best player in my position, like right 819 00:36:44,200 --> 00:36:48,719 Speaker 1: on Travis Cocy's heels, and signing a big contract in 820 00:36:48,880 --> 00:36:49,879 Speaker 1: less than a year and a half. 821 00:36:50,000 --> 00:36:50,200 Speaker 2: Yep. 822 00:36:50,800 --> 00:36:52,640 Speaker 1: So it's all happened fast, and I was not used 823 00:36:52,680 --> 00:36:54,160 Speaker 1: to being I was on the star at every level. 824 00:36:54,200 --> 00:36:55,360 Speaker 1: Like I was in high school, I was like the 825 00:36:55,440 --> 00:36:58,640 Speaker 1: third highest recreated recruited player on my team. There's coaches 826 00:36:58,640 --> 00:37:00,480 Speaker 1: that would come for two other guys and they wouldn't 827 00:37:00,520 --> 00:37:03,600 Speaker 1: talk to me. In college, I was one of the 828 00:37:03,600 --> 00:37:06,120 Speaker 1: lowest rated recruits in the class. I don't think I 829 00:37:06,120 --> 00:37:08,920 Speaker 1: had a thousand yards receiving my entire four years combined 830 00:37:08,920 --> 00:37:10,680 Speaker 1: in college was like nine hundred and seven yards. Like 831 00:37:10,719 --> 00:37:13,239 Speaker 1: that's not eye popping to anyone. My first few years 832 00:37:13,239 --> 00:37:15,000 Speaker 1: in the league, I was just playing special teams, so 833 00:37:15,000 --> 00:37:17,480 Speaker 1: it's like I was never like in that role of 834 00:37:17,560 --> 00:37:22,520 Speaker 1: like he's the So it was very strange to deal with. 835 00:37:22,640 --> 00:37:24,080 Speaker 1: And it's like did you like it? 836 00:37:24,160 --> 00:37:27,640 Speaker 2: Did you love it? How it felty outside of strange? 837 00:37:27,800 --> 00:37:29,520 Speaker 1: I like that. I feel like it was like another high, 838 00:37:30,000 --> 00:37:31,840 Speaker 1: you know, Like I wasn't doing drugs and alcohol anymore, 839 00:37:31,840 --> 00:37:33,879 Speaker 1: but the highs that came from that, highs that came 840 00:37:33,920 --> 00:37:37,080 Speaker 1: from relationships with women, access to that, you know, and 841 00:37:37,160 --> 00:37:39,440 Speaker 1: just the plays and just the plays on the field, 842 00:37:40,480 --> 00:37:42,319 Speaker 1: the hot like real like the endorphins and the highs 843 00:37:42,360 --> 00:37:44,080 Speaker 1: you get from making those plays. It was just like 844 00:37:45,440 --> 00:37:47,359 Speaker 1: that was like those maybe feel good, but then it's 845 00:37:47,360 --> 00:37:49,320 Speaker 1: like those are all temporary, you know, so it's like 846 00:37:49,480 --> 00:37:51,680 Speaker 1: come down and I'm like I'm still the guy that's 847 00:37:51,719 --> 00:37:54,040 Speaker 1: like I'm good at football, but like I'm not. I 848 00:37:54,080 --> 00:37:55,840 Speaker 1: am I'm not willing to die for this shit, Like 849 00:37:55,840 --> 00:37:58,560 Speaker 1: you know, everybody's like each sleep breathe, like that was 850 00:37:58,640 --> 00:37:59,920 Speaker 1: just never me and I always feel like I had 851 00:38:00,200 --> 00:38:02,120 Speaker 1: kind of had to hide that and. 852 00:38:02,120 --> 00:38:05,200 Speaker 2: Just still still yet another thing. You can get to 853 00:38:05,040 --> 00:38:06,759 Speaker 2: the top of one mountain and then you got to 854 00:38:06,760 --> 00:38:11,160 Speaker 2: climb another. In your mind, it's always the way how 855 00:38:11,160 --> 00:38:12,000 Speaker 2: do you stay sober? 856 00:38:13,400 --> 00:38:15,800 Speaker 1: Yeah, sobriety is like a whole different thing for me 857 00:38:15,840 --> 00:38:18,120 Speaker 1: now because I feel like drugs and alcohol for a while, 858 00:38:18,120 --> 00:38:19,719 Speaker 1: I was like, oh, this is victory, like I've won, 859 00:38:19,840 --> 00:38:22,160 Speaker 1: But really it was just like that was just like 860 00:38:22,200 --> 00:38:24,880 Speaker 1: the entry level for me because it's really you're not 861 00:38:24,920 --> 00:38:26,319 Speaker 1: if you're dealing with drugs and alcohol, you're not really 862 00:38:26,360 --> 00:38:28,600 Speaker 1: dealing with the root. You're dealing with the symptom. So 863 00:38:28,640 --> 00:38:31,560 Speaker 1: it's like there's a reason why I started to use 864 00:38:31,640 --> 00:38:34,360 Speaker 1: drugs and alcohol. So if you take that, take those away, 865 00:38:34,480 --> 00:38:37,319 Speaker 1: I still got to deal with what put me in 866 00:38:37,320 --> 00:38:39,560 Speaker 1: that place, which I don't thinkl like I ever really did. 867 00:38:39,640 --> 00:38:41,279 Speaker 1: Like the success happened so fast. I'm just like, oh, 868 00:38:41,320 --> 00:38:43,840 Speaker 1: my life's great, Like I'm good. I'm this person people 869 00:38:43,840 --> 00:38:47,399 Speaker 1: think is like this beacon of hope for recovery and 870 00:38:47,880 --> 00:38:50,440 Speaker 1: turn my life around. What could go wrong? And it's 871 00:38:50,480 --> 00:38:54,479 Speaker 1: really just like now I'm learning, Like through all those years, 872 00:38:54,520 --> 00:38:58,080 Speaker 1: through all the like relationships and the addictive patterns and relationships. 873 00:38:58,120 --> 00:39:01,040 Speaker 1: Just like, sobriety is more so to do with like 874 00:39:01,080 --> 00:39:03,680 Speaker 1: any emotional level than it is like what I may 875 00:39:03,719 --> 00:39:06,239 Speaker 1: be using, Like the behavior can always change. So it's 876 00:39:06,320 --> 00:39:08,600 Speaker 1: just like it's a whole new journey. 877 00:39:08,360 --> 00:39:13,400 Speaker 2: Now there is sobriety is is there this? I don't know, 878 00:39:13,440 --> 00:39:17,160 Speaker 2: So I'm asking you, is there a constant because I 879 00:39:17,200 --> 00:39:21,600 Speaker 2: fight to fight an urge of taking a pill or 880 00:39:21,640 --> 00:39:24,760 Speaker 2: doing you know, having some whatever it is, I'm taking cocaine, 881 00:39:24,800 --> 00:39:28,200 Speaker 2: whatever it may be. Is there a constant urge to 882 00:39:28,440 --> 00:39:31,440 Speaker 2: not do that or put yourself in rooms where that 883 00:39:31,560 --> 00:39:34,279 Speaker 2: is happening, or in positions or places where people are 884 00:39:34,320 --> 00:39:35,440 Speaker 2: doing that around. 885 00:39:35,160 --> 00:39:37,719 Speaker 1: You at this position in our recovery. No, it's not 886 00:39:38,320 --> 00:39:42,000 Speaker 1: drugs or alcohol. It's it's more so from the emotional 887 00:39:42,040 --> 00:39:46,880 Speaker 1: place of like I need to do some behavior to 888 00:39:47,040 --> 00:39:50,880 Speaker 1: not deal with the discomfort that I feel on some level. 889 00:39:51,480 --> 00:39:53,680 Speaker 1: Like so that behavior could be shopping, it could be 890 00:39:54,280 --> 00:39:57,440 Speaker 1: a relationship, it could be whatever. And it's like, so 891 00:39:57,480 --> 00:40:00,279 Speaker 1: it's not like I'm trying to use drugs, alcoholicy, It's like, 892 00:40:01,239 --> 00:40:03,840 Speaker 1: how do I learn to sit with the discomfort of 893 00:40:03,840 --> 00:40:07,239 Speaker 1: my feelings and like take the contrary action that I 894 00:40:07,719 --> 00:40:10,680 Speaker 1: to what I want to take to be able to 895 00:40:10,719 --> 00:40:13,400 Speaker 1: regulate myself and to be able to you know, be 896 00:40:13,520 --> 00:40:15,320 Speaker 1: the person that God wants me to be as opposed 897 00:40:15,360 --> 00:40:18,719 Speaker 1: to like still being this person that needs to get 898 00:40:18,719 --> 00:40:22,200 Speaker 1: a fix from something to feel better. That makes sense. 899 00:40:22,760 --> 00:40:28,320 Speaker 2: Yeah, that's so heavy. Yeah, that's heavy. Wow, I don't 900 00:40:28,400 --> 00:40:30,600 Speaker 2: understand it, but I empathize with it. But I think 901 00:40:30,640 --> 00:40:33,359 Speaker 2: everybody has their own emotional struggle, and I think that 902 00:40:33,440 --> 00:40:36,200 Speaker 2: it's you know, I honestly believe God gives his tough 903 00:40:36,200 --> 00:40:38,640 Speaker 2: as battles to the strongest soldier so that you can 904 00:40:38,760 --> 00:40:45,880 Speaker 2: use your platform to encourage everybody. You then get married, 905 00:40:46,480 --> 00:40:49,800 Speaker 2: and then you get a divorce very publicly, a public marriage, 906 00:40:49,840 --> 00:40:55,640 Speaker 2: a public divorce. Was there any time during that transition 907 00:40:55,719 --> 00:40:58,040 Speaker 2: where you felt like I can't deal and I need 908 00:40:58,200 --> 00:41:00,719 Speaker 2: to cope. I need to do old school coping mechanisms. 909 00:41:01,360 --> 00:41:06,040 Speaker 1: Yeah, absolutely, for sure, one hundred percent, Like because that's 910 00:41:06,200 --> 00:41:09,080 Speaker 1: that's tough, like and for me, like that's where the 911 00:41:09,120 --> 00:41:13,000 Speaker 1: patterns of the addictive patterns being in relationships went all 912 00:41:13,040 --> 00:41:16,120 Speaker 1: the way up until being with her, And so it's 913 00:41:16,120 --> 00:41:21,080 Speaker 1: like realizing now that it's like my definition of love 914 00:41:21,200 --> 00:41:24,680 Speaker 1: needs to be like completely retooled and dug up and 915 00:41:24,680 --> 00:41:27,360 Speaker 1: have a new foundation, because what's love to me is 916 00:41:27,400 --> 00:41:31,359 Speaker 1: really just like an emotional high. So it's like when 917 00:41:31,400 --> 00:41:34,120 Speaker 1: the emotional highest therapist that I work with, she was like, 918 00:41:34,920 --> 00:41:36,560 Speaker 1: you know, this is not to take a shot, but 919 00:41:36,560 --> 00:41:39,520 Speaker 1: it's like the relationships that you've been in in your 920 00:41:39,560 --> 00:41:43,080 Speaker 1: past is like people are dopamine vending machines, and when 921 00:41:43,080 --> 00:41:45,320 Speaker 1: they don't have any more soda left in the vending machine, 922 00:41:45,360 --> 00:41:48,279 Speaker 1: you go to a different vending machine to find it 923 00:41:48,320 --> 00:41:54,280 Speaker 1: a sprite. And so it's just like Mike Tyson good bunch, 924 00:41:55,600 --> 00:41:58,120 Speaker 1: It's like, and it's like sitting with the fact that 925 00:41:58,200 --> 00:42:00,560 Speaker 1: it's like, you know, looking back, it's like man addicted 926 00:42:00,600 --> 00:42:03,560 Speaker 1: pattern of just going coming in and out of people's 927 00:42:03,600 --> 00:42:05,960 Speaker 1: lives and things almost feeling like a blur when you 928 00:42:06,000 --> 00:42:09,320 Speaker 1: look back on these relationships. So it's just like that's 929 00:42:09,400 --> 00:42:10,520 Speaker 1: the crux of the work. Now. 930 00:42:10,520 --> 00:42:16,880 Speaker 2: It's just like what you describe isn't foreign. But I 931 00:42:16,920 --> 00:42:18,279 Speaker 2: think men and women do that. 932 00:42:18,440 --> 00:42:19,880 Speaker 1: Oh, I see all the time now. I hear in 933 00:42:19,920 --> 00:42:21,360 Speaker 1: the songs on the radio, I see it in the 934 00:42:21,360 --> 00:42:24,000 Speaker 1: movies we watch, Yeah, I see I see it through 935 00:42:24,040 --> 00:42:26,919 Speaker 1: a completely different lens. Now and it's just like, yeah, 936 00:42:26,920 --> 00:42:29,680 Speaker 1: it almost makes me appreciate It's just like developing a 937 00:42:29,719 --> 00:42:32,600 Speaker 1: new definition of what intimacy is because it's not sex, 938 00:42:32,680 --> 00:42:35,480 Speaker 1: it's not you know those things that we think it is. 939 00:42:35,520 --> 00:42:37,640 Speaker 1: It's just like allowing yourself to be in front of 940 00:42:37,640 --> 00:42:38,680 Speaker 1: another person. 941 00:42:38,920 --> 00:42:42,160 Speaker 2: Guards down, Like, that's the hardest thing. 942 00:42:42,200 --> 00:42:43,520 Speaker 1: I've never been able to do that. 943 00:42:43,520 --> 00:42:44,160 Speaker 2: That's the hardest thing. 944 00:42:44,200 --> 00:42:45,640 Speaker 1: Anyn, I'm running for the hills. 945 00:42:45,760 --> 00:42:47,960 Speaker 2: Yeah, yeah, don't don't ask me to show you who 946 00:42:48,000 --> 00:42:51,640 Speaker 2: I am? How dare you? Dare you ask me to 947 00:42:51,760 --> 00:42:54,840 Speaker 2: reveal who I am? Vulnerably sat of here? Excuse my 948 00:42:54,880 --> 00:43:01,720 Speaker 2: French fact? When you realize that that in this relationship 949 00:43:02,160 --> 00:43:05,360 Speaker 2: that you were in, when the high was gone, you 950 00:43:05,440 --> 00:43:07,840 Speaker 2: were like, I can't do this anymore? What does that 951 00:43:07,880 --> 00:43:11,240 Speaker 2: look like when the high is gone? I And here's 952 00:43:11,280 --> 00:43:14,160 Speaker 2: the reason why I asked, because your relationship was touted 953 00:43:14,200 --> 00:43:16,399 Speaker 2: so publicly and it was so beautiful, and everyone thought 954 00:43:16,400 --> 00:43:17,960 Speaker 2: it was what they wanted. You know how people are, 955 00:43:18,560 --> 00:43:20,960 Speaker 2: and it probably was what you wanted right. 956 00:43:20,760 --> 00:43:21,279 Speaker 1: Right, it was. 957 00:43:21,400 --> 00:43:26,680 Speaker 2: Yeah, when when does it turn? When do you realize 958 00:43:27,040 --> 00:43:30,040 Speaker 2: I'm not getting this high that I need to be here? 959 00:43:30,480 --> 00:43:32,400 Speaker 2: What does that look like? In your life. 960 00:43:32,520 --> 00:43:35,320 Speaker 1: It's a combination of things, starting with you know, getting 961 00:43:35,400 --> 00:43:39,640 Speaker 1: traded I think they are, getting back from honeymoon, and 962 00:43:40,000 --> 00:43:42,839 Speaker 1: then being you know, cross country by myself most of time, 963 00:43:42,920 --> 00:43:46,800 Speaker 1: and no network of friends, not really going to meetings, 964 00:43:47,000 --> 00:43:50,279 Speaker 1: relationship with God and faith kind of dwindling, and so 965 00:43:50,360 --> 00:43:52,680 Speaker 1: putting me back into that state of like you know, 966 00:43:52,920 --> 00:43:55,240 Speaker 1: seeking a high. And then there's gets the point where 967 00:43:55,360 --> 00:43:59,120 Speaker 1: she comes out there and you know, she's in a 968 00:43:59,160 --> 00:44:02,440 Speaker 1: new environment, no network of people out there, this is 969 00:44:02,440 --> 00:44:04,759 Speaker 1: a new chapter of her life, you know, and me 970 00:44:04,920 --> 00:44:07,960 Speaker 1: being a person like I was supposed to be like 971 00:44:08,040 --> 00:44:11,080 Speaker 1: that stable you know, support for her to be like okay, 972 00:44:11,080 --> 00:44:12,600 Speaker 1: like this is where we're going to get through the 973 00:44:12,600 --> 00:44:15,600 Speaker 1: season where it's just like I'm like this ain't this 974 00:44:15,640 --> 00:44:19,040 Speaker 1: ain't the high that I'm used to and just literally 975 00:44:19,120 --> 00:44:20,080 Speaker 1: like vanishing. 976 00:44:20,840 --> 00:44:24,960 Speaker 2: Yeah, you find yourself in a lot of ups and downs, 977 00:44:25,120 --> 00:44:28,799 Speaker 2: really really big highs and then really really really extremes. 978 00:44:29,080 --> 00:44:31,080 Speaker 1: There's no there's ever never there's never. 979 00:44:30,960 --> 00:44:33,880 Speaker 2: A middle ground for you. Never have you ever have 980 00:44:34,000 --> 00:44:36,000 Speaker 2: you ever in your life remember a time where it's 981 00:44:36,000 --> 00:44:36,720 Speaker 2: been middle of ground. 982 00:44:37,320 --> 00:44:40,160 Speaker 1: Nah, it's starting to be formed now, putting some new 983 00:44:40,200 --> 00:44:43,600 Speaker 1: cement on the ground now, but yeah, never never before 984 00:44:43,960 --> 00:44:45,960 Speaker 1: this year. As it's built, you. 985 00:44:48,000 --> 00:44:49,560 Speaker 2: Go to a new team, you play for the Giants 986 00:44:49,560 --> 00:44:52,480 Speaker 2: for a bit, and you decide you get sick. Help 987 00:44:52,520 --> 00:44:55,040 Speaker 2: me know the process to that that led you to retirement. 988 00:44:55,800 --> 00:45:00,359 Speaker 1: Yeah, I mean that was wicked before. So we played 989 00:45:00,360 --> 00:45:04,440 Speaker 1: the Buffalo Bills last year Week six, and I just 990 00:45:04,480 --> 00:45:06,799 Speaker 1: had this moment. We're running I think it's like first 991 00:45:06,880 --> 00:45:09,600 Speaker 1: quarter or second quarter. We're running this running play and 992 00:45:09,600 --> 00:45:11,439 Speaker 1: I'm like leading through the hole. I'm a full back 993 00:45:11,480 --> 00:45:14,560 Speaker 1: down here, but this play is very effective, Like we're 994 00:45:14,600 --> 00:45:16,480 Speaker 1: it's probably the best blockie I've ever happened. Like it 995 00:45:16,480 --> 00:45:18,960 Speaker 1: was blowing the coach's mind. They're like, what the hell 996 00:45:19,040 --> 00:45:20,919 Speaker 1: I was like, I don't know. But in the first quarter, 997 00:45:20,920 --> 00:45:24,080 Speaker 1: I'm just looking at the moon, I don't know, and 998 00:45:24,160 --> 00:45:28,640 Speaker 1: I'm just like, what the fuck am I doing? Like 999 00:45:28,640 --> 00:45:31,560 Speaker 1: like literally, I'm like, yeah, I'm out, Like like I'm like, 1000 00:45:31,640 --> 00:45:33,480 Speaker 1: I'm gonna finish this year and give them all that 1001 00:45:33,520 --> 00:45:35,880 Speaker 1: I got. Like I try to have those kind of morals, 1002 00:45:36,200 --> 00:45:40,520 Speaker 1: but like, I'm not here because I want to be here, 1003 00:45:40,520 --> 00:45:42,080 Speaker 1: and I'm saying, yes, this is where I want to 1004 00:45:42,080 --> 00:45:44,359 Speaker 1: be in my life, and I think like the next week, 1005 00:45:44,360 --> 00:45:46,440 Speaker 1: I had like one hundred yards in a touchdown and 1006 00:45:47,040 --> 00:45:49,360 Speaker 1: they were like, yeah, he's back, Like we're about to 1007 00:45:49,360 --> 00:45:51,239 Speaker 1: get on the roll. And when my teammates I told 1008 00:45:51,280 --> 00:45:53,239 Speaker 1: I was done, I was like, I came out after 1009 00:45:53,239 --> 00:45:54,440 Speaker 1: I scored, I touched down doubt if. I was like, 1010 00:45:54,480 --> 00:45:58,080 Speaker 1: I'm still done and yeah, but then it was I 1011 00:45:58,080 --> 00:46:01,200 Speaker 1: got hurt against the Jets end of October. The following week, 1012 00:46:02,000 --> 00:46:04,600 Speaker 1: the following Monday, I was shooting a video with a rod, 1013 00:46:04,920 --> 00:46:06,600 Speaker 1: so I stayed back. I was hurt, got back to 1014 00:46:06,680 --> 00:46:09,000 Speaker 1: my condo. Long story short, I think I had COVID 1015 00:46:09,120 --> 00:46:11,239 Speaker 1: coming down with his fever, and I'm like, ah fuck, 1016 00:46:11,280 --> 00:46:12,760 Speaker 1: I got it again. Like I got to just sweat 1017 00:46:12,760 --> 00:46:15,000 Speaker 1: it out for the night, but then I couldn't breathe. 1018 00:46:15,320 --> 00:46:17,200 Speaker 1: I came down with like this viral infection of my 1019 00:46:17,280 --> 00:46:20,960 Speaker 1: lungs and then I'm like, oh, yeah, I'm losing consciousness. 1020 00:46:21,080 --> 00:46:23,400 Speaker 1: So I'm like trying to call nine one one and 1021 00:46:23,400 --> 00:46:25,319 Speaker 1: they're saying they can't understand me. Then I finally get 1022 00:46:25,320 --> 00:46:28,440 Speaker 1: to my address clear enough and I get up out 1023 00:46:28,440 --> 00:46:31,759 Speaker 1: of my bedroom, cut the lights on, stumbled and propped 1024 00:46:31,760 --> 00:46:33,400 Speaker 1: the shoe on the door. So the paramaids could just 1025 00:46:33,600 --> 00:46:35,640 Speaker 1: swing the door open and sit on the couch, and 1026 00:46:35,680 --> 00:46:39,359 Speaker 1: I was just like breathing, fighting for my life, and 1027 00:46:39,560 --> 00:46:41,279 Speaker 1: in between I'll take breast. I would yell help to 1028 00:46:41,320 --> 00:46:44,200 Speaker 1: try to wake up my neighbors. And then I was like, damn, 1029 00:46:44,200 --> 00:46:46,840 Speaker 1: I'm about to die here on this couch and I 1030 00:46:46,840 --> 00:46:50,239 Speaker 1: don't really like the way that I'm going out, And 1031 00:46:50,760 --> 00:46:53,279 Speaker 1: so the paramac and the cop got there just as 1032 00:46:53,320 --> 00:46:55,879 Speaker 1: I was like really starting to fade. And then I'm 1033 00:46:55,880 --> 00:46:57,560 Speaker 1: just sitting in the hospital for three and a half days. 1034 00:46:57,560 --> 00:46:59,480 Speaker 1: I need help pissing, he help shit, and need help eating. 1035 00:47:00,080 --> 00:47:03,560 Speaker 1: And then I'm just like, yeah, the same, the same, 1036 00:47:03,640 --> 00:47:05,759 Speaker 1: the life. Man, Like I don't know, Like I'm like 1037 00:47:05,800 --> 00:47:08,239 Speaker 1: I've given a lot to the game, and I feel 1038 00:47:08,320 --> 00:47:10,160 Speaker 1: I just feel like my mission is accomplished here, and 1039 00:47:10,160 --> 00:47:12,120 Speaker 1: I feel like God had to do a lot to 1040 00:47:12,160 --> 00:47:14,720 Speaker 1: show me that and for me to be like okay 1041 00:47:14,760 --> 00:47:17,239 Speaker 1: and to step out of my comfort zone, because the 1042 00:47:17,280 --> 00:47:20,200 Speaker 1: worst thing I want to do is look crazy to 1043 00:47:20,760 --> 00:47:23,239 Speaker 1: other people and step out and say this is what 1044 00:47:23,280 --> 00:47:26,640 Speaker 1: I'm doing and won't behold guy's like, oh yeah, we 1045 00:47:26,719 --> 00:47:29,560 Speaker 1: about to hid them with the triple whammy at the 1046 00:47:29,600 --> 00:47:34,279 Speaker 1: beginning of the year. So yeah, very intense, very intense year. 1047 00:47:35,840 --> 00:47:36,879 Speaker 2: How many lives do you have? 1048 00:47:38,520 --> 00:47:41,520 Speaker 1: I'm pushing cats to the limits, like I got, I 1049 00:47:41,520 --> 00:47:42,280 Speaker 1: got a few. 1050 00:47:43,280 --> 00:47:49,200 Speaker 2: More than nine, more than nine. I feel like your 1051 00:47:49,239 --> 00:47:51,239 Speaker 2: purpose is bigger than I than you even know. 1052 00:47:51,600 --> 00:47:53,680 Speaker 1: Yeah, I have no idea at this very moment. I 1053 00:47:53,680 --> 00:47:55,560 Speaker 1: have no idea. Some days I'm like, I think I 1054 00:47:55,560 --> 00:47:57,719 Speaker 1: know where I'm headed, Like I feel like it's like 1055 00:47:57,920 --> 00:48:00,480 Speaker 1: some days where I'm like, like yesterday, I don't know 1056 00:48:00,480 --> 00:48:04,840 Speaker 1: what the fucking but I know, like the decisions I 1057 00:48:04,880 --> 00:48:06,680 Speaker 1: may are supposed to have me in this season of 1058 00:48:06,719 --> 00:48:08,839 Speaker 1: me kind of abandoning everything that I think I know. 1059 00:48:10,880 --> 00:48:11,520 Speaker 2: I'm rooting for. 1060 00:48:11,560 --> 00:48:15,160 Speaker 1: You can feel it. 1061 00:48:15,360 --> 00:48:15,800 Speaker 2: You feel it. 1062 00:48:15,840 --> 00:48:16,360 Speaker 1: I appreciate it. 1063 00:48:16,440 --> 00:48:18,319 Speaker 2: Darren Waller, thank you for being on naked. You were 1064 00:48:18,400 --> 00:48:22,759 Speaker 2: really naked. Oh yeah, reruly naked, like you came to play. 1065 00:48:23,360 --> 00:48:25,359 Speaker 2: He don't have no clothes. Okay, I know you got 1066 00:48:25,400 --> 00:48:26,880 Speaker 2: to get out of here. Thank you so much for 1067 00:48:26,960 --> 00:48:30,440 Speaker 2: doing this. No, it was all you inspire me. It's inspiring. 1068 00:48:30,560 --> 00:48:34,960 Speaker 2: I think if there's one thing I will say, I 1069 00:48:35,000 --> 00:48:37,839 Speaker 2: hope you can replace whatever shame it is you have 1070 00:48:37,920 --> 00:48:43,279 Speaker 2: with inspiration. Because your origin story and the arc, the 1071 00:48:43,400 --> 00:48:45,080 Speaker 2: ups and the downs, and ups and the downs are 1072 00:48:45,239 --> 00:48:50,480 Speaker 2: so familiar. Everyone has it, they're just not as honest 1073 00:48:50,560 --> 00:48:53,839 Speaker 2: about it. Yeah, and when you talk about it, it 1074 00:48:53,880 --> 00:48:59,600 Speaker 2: inspires me. Music in this episode of Naked Sports came 1075 00:48:59,600 --> 00:49:04,160 Speaker 2: from your truly Darren Waller, Internal Warfare, his latest EP. 1076 00:49:04,760 --> 00:49:07,879 Speaker 2: Also the other album Walking Miracle. Check it out wherever 1077 00:49:07,960 --> 00:49:10,759 Speaker 2: you stream your music. Thank you again, Darren for being 1078 00:49:10,760 --> 00:49:14,960 Speaker 2: so naked and allowing us to use your music. I 1079 00:49:15,000 --> 00:49:19,040 Speaker 2: hope you all enjoyed this edition of Naked Sports. Have 1080 00:49:19,080 --> 00:49:19,440 Speaker 2: a good one. 1081 00:49:19,560 --> 00:49:21,439 Speaker 1: That it is facts at the toe and the front. 1082 00:49:21,480 --> 00:49:23,440 Speaker 1: Y'all might want to head to the back. In fact, 1083 00:49:23,520 --> 00:49:25,840 Speaker 1: you know how I'm coming this therapy on mospit. I 1084 00:49:26,000 --> 00:49:27,520 Speaker 1: learned to carry my weight and I ain't did a 1085 00:49:27,560 --> 00:49:30,160 Speaker 1: reperol crossbit yet. Here are a lot of niggas talking 1086 00:49:30,160 --> 00:49:32,400 Speaker 1: about their own bosshit. But I can't respect somebody that 1087 00:49:32,440 --> 00:49:37,360 Speaker 1: ain't failed out and ain't lost shit. You know. See, 1088 00:49:37,400 --> 00:49:42,160 Speaker 1: my life circumstances have taught me some valuable lessons. It's 1089 00:49:42,200 --> 00:49:46,719 Speaker 1: all about the space through what lens are you viewing 1090 00:49:46,760 --> 00:49:50,959 Speaker 1: the world. I had to really sit back and evaluate mine, 1091 00:49:51,040 --> 00:49:54,319 Speaker 1: and as a result, my life changed forever. 1092 00:49:55,760 --> 00:49:59,840 Speaker 2: Naked Sports written and executive produced by me Kerry Champion, 1093 00:50:00,080 --> 00:50:04,120 Speaker 2: produced by Jacques Thomas Sound Design and mastered by Dwayne Crawford. 1094 00:50:04,200 --> 00:50:08,120 Speaker 2: Associate producer Olubusayl. Shabby Naked Sports is a part of 1095 00:50:08,120 --> 00:50:10,439 Speaker 2: the Black Effect podcast network in iHeartMedia