Speaker 1: In order to make it to this meeting, I left Durango, Colorado,
Speaker 1: eighteen hours ago and had a six hour drive to
Speaker 1: the airport, a three hour flight, a forty five minute
Speaker 1: walk from the terminal to baggage claim, an hour and
Speaker 1: a half drive from the airport to the hotel. Then
Speaker 1: I got to the hotel and wasn't allowed to check
Speaker 1: in until later, even though I was absolutely tired. I
Speaker 1: didn't sleep overnight for all of those reasons, But the
Speaker 1: reason I did it was because working with my producer
Speaker 1: for this podcast is important, and producing the best podcast
Speaker 1: we can is important. Having a strong relationship with my
Speaker 1: producer is important. But that meant I was gonna have
Speaker 1: to be a little bit uncomfortable. I'm gonna have to
Speaker 1: be tired for a little bit longer than I wanted
Speaker 1: to be. So we think we don't have enough time
Speaker 1: because there's not enough minutes in the day, but that's
Speaker 1: actually not true. There are lots of minutes in the day,
Speaker 1: but we prioritize our own comfort. The easiest thing for
Speaker 1: me to do today, after a long travel day, literally
Speaker 1: about eighteen hours from door in Durango to door in
Speaker 1: New York City, the easiest thing for me to do
Speaker 1: to keep myself comfortable when I got to my hotel room,
Speaker 1: take a shower to wash off the travel, and go
Speaker 1: to sleep. The hardest thing for me to do is
Speaker 1: to fight the urge to go to sleep, stay awake,
Speaker 1: stay focused, stay alert. But I did that because that
Speaker 1: is more in line with the person that I want
Speaker 1: to be. So when you're on a healing journey, you
Speaker 1: have to make more decisions that are in line with
Speaker 1: the person that you want to be. And understand that's
Speaker 1: going to come with some sacrifice, that's going to come
Speaker 1: with some uncomfort, that's going to come with some difficulties,
Speaker 1: but it's the good difficulty. It's the kind of difficulty
Speaker 1: that's in line with who you want to be. There's
Speaker 1: a difference between hard and hard, you know what I mean.
Speaker 1: Like it was hard for me to stay awake in
Speaker 1: extra ninety minutes to make sure I was alert and
Speaker 1: available during this meeting. But that's a good heart because
Speaker 1: that's me doing something that I'm proud of, that's meaningful
Speaker 1: to me, that's important to me. And I think we
Speaker 1: have this excuse like, oh, there's just not enough time
Speaker 1: in the day, but the actual truth is you're just
Speaker 1: in love with you with being comfortable, and you're not
Speaker 1: willing to suffer. You're not willing to sacrifice, you're not
Speaker 1: willing to grind, You're not willing to be uncomfortable, because
Speaker 1: if you were, then that's how you make something a priority.
Speaker 1: We think making a priority means we create more time,
Speaker 1: but that's not true. Making something a priority is you
Speaker 1: accept more uncomfort. You can go to the gym and exercise,
Speaker 1: but if you have a trainer, you're going to go
Speaker 1: a bit further because they're going to push you further
Speaker 1: into your uncomfort. They're going to push you beyond your
Speaker 1: comfort zone. So can you identify your own behaviors and patterns?
Speaker 1: Of course you can. Can you pay attention to them,
Speaker 1: of course you can. But who's going to hold you
Speaker 1: accountable to change them? And who's going to hold you
Speaker 1: accountable to do the difficult work associated with changing them.
Speaker 1: That's literally the whole entire point of psychotherapy is so
Speaker 1: that you can go further beyond your comfort zone and
Speaker 1: further into your healing journey while being held accountable, while
Speaker 1: being supported, while being pushed in a healthy way, to
Speaker 1: be able to change the kind of patterns that are
Speaker 1: causing problems in your life. Up until this point, we
Speaker 1: have learned a great deal about each one of these
Speaker 1: family members. Who is Jay. Jay is a strong, strong woman,
Speaker 1: And I think Jay is such a strong and independent
Speaker 1: woman because she's had to learn how to live her
Speaker 1: life without praise, or at least consistent praise, and without
Speaker 1: support from someone around her. And she's learned how to
Speaker 1: succeed on her own without those things, which is an
Speaker 1: incredibly rare trait. Jay is also someone I think that
Speaker 1: takes her unbelievable gifts and strengths for granted and kind
Speaker 1: of expects everyone to function at her level. Jame's one
Speaker 1: of the most fascinating people that I've ever met, because
Speaker 1: almost every time we spoke, I learned something fantastically new
Speaker 1: about Jay that I didn't know in the previous sessions.
Speaker 1: I learned about degrees she had gotten, roles she had
Speaker 1: played in the military, some amazing accomplishment she had a
Speaker 1: tieved in her life. It blew me away. And I
Speaker 1: think sometimes Jay expects everybody to function at her level
Speaker 1: because and not in a mean way, but I just
Speaker 1: don't I don't always think Jay recognizes her own greatness
Speaker 1: and how unique it is for her to be so great,
Speaker 1: and she thinks everyone should function at that level. I
Speaker 1: think it's important to recognize your own uniqueness and your
Speaker 1: own gifts and your own traits for a couple of reasons.
Speaker 1: Number one, because it allows you to build your own
Speaker 1: self esteem and your own self like sense of self value.
Speaker 1: But it also allows you to be more patient and
Speaker 1: understanding with the people around you because you start recognizing
Speaker 1: your own uniqueness and not holding people accountable to your level,
Speaker 1: and will allow everybody around you to be who they are.
Speaker 1: In a previous session, I asked jaa write down some
Speaker 1: of the things that she's good at. Here are a
Speaker 1: few that she shared with me.
Speaker 2: I show up for others, A good listener, good at
Speaker 2: encouraging others, good at helping people with their finances, a
Speaker 2: good mom, oh, good at taking risk, and good at
Speaker 2: taking care of my plants.
Speaker 1: How do you know you're a good listener.
Speaker 2: Because I feel like when I have conversations with people,
Speaker 2: it's not one sided, like we talk, we listen to
Speaker 2: each other, and we're both like we're both engaged in
Speaker 2: the conversation. At least with most people. I feel that way.
Speaker 2: Most of my well, all my friends, I would say,
Speaker 2: and that I just I mean, like I feel like
Speaker 2: when I'm talking to a friend or a family member
Speaker 2: and we're having a conversation, I don't just wait to speak,
Speaker 2: like I try to really hear what they're saying.
Speaker 1: Do you enjoy that about yourself?
Speaker 3: Yeah?
Speaker 1: Excellent? Okay? And how do you know that you're good
Speaker 1: with helping your friends with their finances?
Speaker 2: Because people usually ask me for that kind of insight,
Speaker 2: So I imagine that I'm good at it if they wouldn't
Speaker 2: be asking if I wasn't if I was bad at it?
Speaker 1: What is it about you that lets them know you're
Speaker 1: the kind of person that they can ask that.
Speaker 2: Because it's something that I talk about as a topic
Speaker 2: that I bring up. And I know a lot of
Speaker 2: people don't like to talk about money, but I do.
Speaker 2: I like to talk about it. I like to help
Speaker 2: people think about budgeting and ways to invest their money
Speaker 2: and give them ideas, and they seem to be receptive
Speaker 2: of it self.
Speaker 1: Reflection is just the ability to look at yourself and
Speaker 1: have an honest look at yourself. Are you doing the
Speaker 1: things you want to be doing? Are you pleased with
Speaker 1: who you are? And what you're doing. Are you in
Speaker 1: line with your goals, hopes and dreams and living the
Speaker 1: kind of life that you'd like to live. Judgment is
Speaker 1: very different because judgment is when you add value to
Speaker 1: those things which leads to a negative place. Like for example,
Speaker 1: I can look at myself and say, you know what,
Speaker 1: I didn't eat the things that I should be eating,
Speaker 1: So tomorrow I'm going to do better. That's just a
Speaker 1: self reflection. So judgment has a value attached to it,
Speaker 1: and that value can be positive or negative, but is
Speaker 1: usually negative. And I'll give you an example. If I
Speaker 1: am thinking to myself, all right, you know what, I
Speaker 1: had a long travel day. I ate a lot of
Speaker 1: fast food. I ate a lot of greasy, gross food.
Speaker 1: Not really pleased with that. So tomorrow I got to
Speaker 1: do better and make sure I get back on the
Speaker 1: rhythm that I want to be on. That's just a
Speaker 1: self reflection. The judgment becomes and now I'm really disappointed
Speaker 1: in myself. I could have and should have done better,
Speaker 1: and that actually demotivates us. That leads to us actually
Speaker 1: not growing and feeling good, and it makes it harder
Speaker 1: for us to get back on track. So self reflection
Speaker 1: is simply the analysis of how am I doing and
Speaker 1: what do I need to change? Judgment attaches a value
Speaker 1: to it, and that value usually leads towards problems.
Speaker 2: I realized after doing some self reflecting, like the way
Speaker 2: I grew up, I felt like my mom really never
Speaker 2: paid me any mind. So I don't know if that's
Speaker 2: like because I'm a third child or the oldest girl.
Speaker 2: I'm not really sure why she's kind of aloof in
Speaker 2: that way anyway, but I always felt like, no matter
Speaker 2: where I was in the world, she really didn't I
Speaker 2: won't say she didn't care, but she never expressed to
Speaker 2: me that my presence was important to her. So because
Speaker 2: of that, there's like this piece of me that likes
Speaker 2: to be acknowledged and likes to be you know. So
Speaker 2: I just like to feel like, Okay, you care that
Speaker 2: I'm actually here.
Speaker 1: Having the ability to visualize and focus on a future
Speaker 1: that has not yet occurred is everything. I mean, it's
Speaker 1: so incredibly important. If you can can't see it, you
Speaker 1: can't be it. I think we all believe in the
Speaker 1: power of manifestation, and those things happen for people who
Speaker 1: are really focused on what they want to achieve and
Speaker 1: what they want to have, and most people don't. Most
Speaker 1: people are just kind of living life. Most people pay
Speaker 1: more attention to what they don't want versus what they
Speaker 1: do want. So when you see me talking to jay
Speaker 1: in that way, I'm asking her like, I want you
Speaker 1: to envision the life that you want, and the more
Speaker 1: you can envision it, the more likely you are to
Speaker 1: have it. And that's an incredibly important skilly Where do
Speaker 1: you want to be? Like if you made an investment
Speaker 1: and all of a sudden boom, you've got enough money
Speaker 1: to go out of middle class? Like, where do you
Speaker 1: want to be?
Speaker 2: Oh, I want to be a millionaire by the time
Speaker 2: forty five, that's my goal. I don't need you need
Speaker 2: forty two. So I got a lot of work to.
Speaker 1: Do, But that's cool. You got a lot of time.
Speaker 2: I got like less than three years because I'll be
Speaker 2: forty three in a few months. But I think it's possible.
Speaker 2: I think that I don't want to have like ten million.
Speaker 2: I'm good with like a cool million liquid, two million
Speaker 2: networth something around here. That's the goal at least, Where.
Speaker 1: Is Jayleen gonna live when she's got a million liquid
Speaker 1: and another million in.
Speaker 2: Assets on a farm?
Speaker 1: Jaylen. For whatever reason, that is not what I expect
Speaker 1: you to to say. Where will this farm be?
Speaker 2: Maybe Georgia, North Carolina?
Speaker 3: What mm hmm.
Speaker 1: So Jalen works her butt off and by forty by
Speaker 1: forty five, she's got a million dollars liqu with a
Speaker 1: million dollars in assets. You're telling me that you would
Speaker 1: move to the country and buy a farm.
Speaker 2: Yes, absolutely.
Speaker 1: Why does that sound so attractive to you? What is
Speaker 1: it about that that that's appealing?
Speaker 2: The idea of simplifying life and not necessarily making not
Speaker 2: to say that people that live on farms have a
Speaker 2: simple life, and the sense that is not challenging but
Speaker 2: simple in the sense that it's quieter, it's slower, it's
Speaker 2: an ability to be closer to nature. That is what
Speaker 2: I want. I don't like city life. I haven't liked
Speaker 2: it for a very long time. I don't I don't
Speaker 2: like pollution, a lot of people, a lot of cars.
Speaker 2: I don't like any of that stuff. I much rather
Speaker 2: look outside and see trees versus people.
Speaker 1: My gosh, I don't know why, but that is not
Speaker 1: what I thought you would say.
Speaker 2: What do you think I want? Like a condo?
Speaker 3: Well?
Speaker 1: Yeah, I mean you know. I know that you grew
Speaker 1: up in New Jersey, you live in New Jersey. So
Speaker 1: I thought you'd say, like the upper west side of
Speaker 1: manhatt you know what I mean. I thought you'd say
Speaker 1: something Park Avenue, you know, something like that.
Speaker 2: No, I want the complete opposite of that.
Speaker 1: And when you say farm, I naturally start thinking animals.
Speaker 1: Do you want animals on your land?
Speaker 2: Yes, I don't want not a lot of animals, like
Speaker 2: I'm not trying to raise cows or anything like that,
Speaker 2: but chickens maybe something like some among those lines.
Speaker 1: M And do you want a relationship in that future?
Speaker 2: Yes? Absolutely, And I.
Speaker 1: Guess by the time you forty five, the boys will
Speaker 1: still be young. How pleased would you be to be
Speaker 1: raising your boys on a farm versus in the city.
Speaker 2: I would love that. I would absolutely love that. I
Speaker 2: would love for them to go in their backyard and
Speaker 2: grab vegetables for dinner, or you know, to be outside
Speaker 2: with me when I'm toiling dirt and taking care of animals, like,
Speaker 2: I would love that. I think kids need that, they
Speaker 2: need to be close to nature. Yeah, I would love that.
Speaker 2: I think that would be beautiful.
Speaker 1: How much of your hard work that you're doing is
Speaker 1: to like manifest that in your future. One day.
Speaker 2: I would say it's a significant part, but that is
Speaker 2: something that I absolutely want, but it's us. The farm
Speaker 2: part is something that I really want. But I also
Speaker 2: really want to set my children up so that they
Speaker 2: are financially stable. I know people talk about generational wealth
Speaker 2: all the time and it's like the cats phrase, but like,
Speaker 2: I truly believe in it, and I want them to
Speaker 2: be able to pursue their dreams without wondering about how
Speaker 2: they're going to pay back student loans or I got
Speaker 2: to get this job so that I can afford to
Speaker 2: pay my bills. I hate that, like I hate that
Speaker 2: that's the situation for so many people. I want them
Speaker 2: to be able to pursue, you know, whatever it is
Speaker 2: that they want to do. I want them to be
Speaker 2: able to do it without you know, the restrictions of
Speaker 2: money kind of limiting them. I don't want them to
Speaker 2: take jobs because they have bills to pay. I want
Speaker 2: them to take the job that is going to let
Speaker 2: them be amazing and to do what they want, you know,
Speaker 2: whatever their heart is. I so that is the bigger goal.
Speaker 2: If I can get a farm and do that hashtag winning, I.
Speaker 1: Think that that's true. I'm surprised that it's a farm.
Speaker 1: But if you can have all those things, I imagine
Speaker 1: you would be feeling like you're winning. Right for sure?
Speaker 1: What kind of relationship do you want and forgetting who
Speaker 1: it might be, whether it's you know whatever, like some
Speaker 1: specific person or not, Like, tell me the kind of
Speaker 1: relationship you want to live in right on this ridiculous
Speaker 1: farm of yours.
Speaker 2: Yes, I want him to be someone that I respect
Speaker 2: and that respects me, and someone where we encourage each
Speaker 2: other and feed into each other on a daily basis.
Speaker 2: Like I want some one that I show love to
Speaker 2: be willingly and fully without ever questioning how much love
Speaker 2: are they going to show me back? Like I want
Speaker 2: to just be able to pour out to someone that
Speaker 2: I have no apprehensions about doing that because I know
Speaker 2: they're going to pour into me and return, So my
Speaker 2: cup is never going to be empty because no matter
Speaker 2: how much I give this person, they're given back. And
Speaker 2: it's you know, it's that love of reciprocity is there.
Speaker 2: I would like it to be just a really loving,
Speaker 2: encouraging relationship where I see the God in him, and
Speaker 2: he sees the God in me, and we nourish that,
Speaker 2: and we don't, you know, kind of fall victim to
Speaker 2: some of the day to day things because we truly
Speaker 2: see value in one another. And somebody that I can
Speaker 2: work hand in hand with on this farm, so he
Speaker 2: gonna have to be alone, rugged gonna have to like
Speaker 2: dirt a little bit. Yeah, So I think those are
Speaker 2: the foundation.
Speaker 1: And you said like they would pour into me. What's
Speaker 1: your favorite way for a romantic partner to pour into you? Like,
Speaker 1: what does a romantic partner need to do to make
Speaker 1: you feel really loved and really valued?
Speaker 2: Mhm. I think verbal is part of it. The communication
Speaker 2: is definitely key, but not just I guess, not just
Speaker 2: the verbal piece, but I do really really enjoy that,
Speaker 2: but also someone who plans things. I guess that's someone
Speaker 2: like who really takes the time to show me that
Speaker 2: he loves me, not just tell me that he loves me,
Speaker 2: but like, Okay, I love you, And because I love you,
Speaker 2: I wrote a note in your and left like A
Speaker 2: left a loving note in your purse. You know what
Speaker 2: I'm saying, Like, I took the time out of my
Speaker 2: day to do something specifically that is showing you that
Speaker 2: I care. I didn't come home and watch dishes because
Speaker 2: that feels like the thing you want me to do.
Speaker 2: But I actually said, you know what, neither one of
Speaker 2: us are going to watch dishes because I'm bringing dinner.
Speaker 2: I'm going to go to your favorite restaurant and pick
Speaker 2: up your food and bring it home because I know
Speaker 2: you've been home doing X, Y and Z all day.
Speaker 2: Just someone who actually likes take the time to plan
Speaker 2: things for me. I think that's a really beautiful thing.
Speaker 1: Thank you for listening. When we return, we will gain
Speaker 1: more insight from the other family members. You know, I
Speaker 1: find David to be really incredible as well. I think
Speaker 1: the first thing I want to say about David, and
Speaker 1: this is also true for Jay, but David made it
Speaker 1: out of an incredibly difficult environment to make it out of.
Speaker 1: They literally make movies about how difficult the environment David
Speaker 1: started his life in, and he somehow ended up in
Speaker 1: one of the top universities in our country playing football
Speaker 1: at such a high level that he eventually was able
Speaker 1: to do it professionally. David is an incredibly strong person,
Speaker 1: and an incredibly focused person, and an incredibly confident person.
Speaker 1: But I think the transition out of sports into civilian life,
Speaker 1: if you will has been difficult for David and robbed
Speaker 1: him of some of his confidence and some of his motivation.
Speaker 1: I think David wants more than anything else to be
Speaker 1: the confident version of himself and to get back to
Speaker 1: that strength that he had. I also think one of
Speaker 1: the most amazing things about David is he's an incredibly
Speaker 1: sensitive man and the relationships in his life really matter.
Speaker 1: Relationships with his sister, who has since passed on, his
Speaker 1: mother who has passed on. Being a good father is
Speaker 1: important to David, and also being a good partner, and
Speaker 1: I think he wrestles with how do I get that
Speaker 1: confidence back and make those people in those relationships in
Speaker 1: his life proud of him? And like anything else, it's
Speaker 1: a difficult journey. When we fall into patterns, we get
Speaker 1: further and further away from the person that we want
Speaker 1: to be of the person that we used to be,
Speaker 1: and in order to re establish new patterns, it takes
Speaker 1: time and it's difficult. You know, David was committed to
Speaker 1: the process early on, and I appreciate that about David,
Speaker 1: and I think it highlights kind of who he is
Speaker 1: and how focused he can be when he has the
Speaker 1: right mindset.
Speaker 4: Attitude, any emotions. I'm not letting that get in the
Speaker 4: way of anything, you know. I mean, I still got kids.
Speaker 4: I still got to be on my son though, but
Speaker 4: you know, just trying to you know, filter in the
Speaker 4: energy a little bit different than previous times and stuff.
Speaker 4: I'm not letting people upset me or things as being said,
Speaker 4: upset me or change my mood. So, you know, just
Speaker 4: by doing my things that I need to do on
Speaker 4: my checklist, it's just you know, it's keeping me going.
Speaker 4: Everybody got their own little thing, but it's keeping me going.
Speaker 4: And the routine. Stop in the morning, listen to my
Speaker 4: affirmation say, listen to some uh something that's my motivational stuff,
Speaker 4: positive things, and then once that's done, I put on
Speaker 4: my music to get the energy, go to the park.
Speaker 4: So like, I just gotta, like I'm a creature habit,
Speaker 4: so I just gotta keep my routine and my things
Speaker 4: that's gonna make me positive and make me a better person.
Speaker 4: Like it's not gonna be it's not perfect, but I
Speaker 4: take the you know, like I like, like they're saying
Speaker 4: football inches go to yards, yards go to first downs,
Speaker 4: first downs, and then touchdowns, So I take it just
Speaker 4: like that. The whole field inches by You know.
Speaker 1: What's interesting is I've always thought that football is an
Speaker 1: amazing metaphor for life, Like if you focus on touchdowns,
Speaker 1: it becomes way harder to get touchdowns. But football is
Speaker 1: actually a game of inches, and if you focus on
Speaker 1: like all incremental steps, it becomes much easier to to
Speaker 1: accomplish the bigger goal. Yes, absolutely, Okay, absolutely, game suggest
Speaker 1: the name of the game, right, I think that's absolutely true.
Speaker 1: I also think that's the name of the game of
Speaker 1: life is focus on like the small incremental steps, Like
Speaker 1: if you focus on the moments, then it's easier to
Speaker 1: have a good day and a good week, and a
Speaker 1: good month and so on. If you focus on trying
Speaker 1: to have a good you know, a good month or
Speaker 1: a good year, it becomes way too difficult. Yes.
Speaker 3: Absolutely, What is your.
Speaker 1: Internal voice saying? And do you have to change it?
Speaker 1: If it is not in line with who you want
Speaker 1: to be? You have to train your internal voice. You've
Speaker 1: got to like, I'm not going to listen to my
Speaker 1: internal voice that's not moving me closer to the way
Speaker 1: I want to be, and I am going to listen
Speaker 1: to the internal voice that is like me personally I've
Speaker 1: begun a pretty significant fitness journey. I want to get
Speaker 1: back to being the healthier version of me physically. And
Speaker 1: every night I go for a run, and while I'm running,
Speaker 1: I got that internal voice that tells me, you know
Speaker 1: you can stop now, you've run enough. You know your
Speaker 1: young lungs are burning. Like that internal voice happens. But
Speaker 1: you've got to know, I'm not gonna listen to that
Speaker 1: one because that's the one that is not getting me
Speaker 1: closer to my goals. But I've got that other internal
Speaker 1: voice that says, Elliott, keep going. Aren't you proud of yourself?
Speaker 1: Imagine one's going to feel like when you're done. Imagine
Speaker 1: that feeling you're gonna have when you're finished and you
Speaker 1: know you've accomplished yet another goal. Keep going. And I
Speaker 1: train myself to listen to that internal voice. And the
Speaker 1: more you can do that, the more successful you're going
Speaker 1: to be in life.
Speaker 4: Well, I want my mindset that change to remove all doubt. Right,
Speaker 4: I was walking around with too much doubt. And that's
Speaker 4: not usually me. People when they speak about me, sometimes
Speaker 4: they you know, the things that they say, I wasn't
Speaker 4: seeing it in myself. They got to that point in
Speaker 4: time like it was like I was a little big.
Speaker 4: I was being too hard on myself, you know, in
Speaker 4: a bad way and not a good way. And I
Speaker 4: feel like now the mindset, no doubt, no doubt, David,
Speaker 4: you got it, smart, you can do it. You know
Speaker 4: what I'm saying. You just got to apply it. And
Speaker 4: once I apply it and I lock in on something,
Speaker 4: I'm gonna get it. By lock in on it, I'm
Speaker 4: definitely gonna because I'm not gonna stop until I get
Speaker 4: to it. And that's the thing. And I gotta get
Speaker 4: that back I had that. I gotta get that back.
Speaker 4: And it slowly, slowly but shortly is coming into the
Speaker 4: yards and it's coming back. So once I lock in,
Speaker 4: that's it. And then just keep on going. And then
Speaker 4: remind myself that I don't want to go back to
Speaker 4: that way. I want to stay this way or get
Speaker 4: better and keep on going straight. No rarey mirror, not
Speaker 4: in the mind, no very mirror. Whatever is in the
Speaker 4: back and of the past, they got to stay that way.
Speaker 1: Once you can identify what works, you now know what
Speaker 1: you need to repeat. And you guys are going to
Speaker 1: notice a theme here. Most of us, we don't analyze
Speaker 1: our lives for what works. We analyze our lives for
Speaker 1: what feels good or what is comfortable. But you have
Speaker 1: to ask yourself what is working for me? Meaning what
Speaker 1: actions am I taking in my life that are moving
Speaker 1: me closer to the version of myself that I want
Speaker 1: to be, That are moving me closer to the goals
Speaker 1: I want to achieve, that are moving me closer to
Speaker 1: having the accomplishments that I want to have. The things
Speaker 1: that are doing that you need to repeat. But too
Speaker 1: often we base our decisions based on what feels good
Speaker 1: or what was most comfortable. But you've got to ask
Speaker 1: yourself what is working, what is moving me in a
Speaker 1: direction that I want to go And once you know
Speaker 1: what those things are, then you can repeat them. We'll
Speaker 1: be right back after this with more more family therapy.
Speaker 1: Freddie is a man who has battled demons a lot
Speaker 1: of his life. But more than anything else, Freddie has
Speaker 1: a massive, huge heart, and Freddie wants to heal and
Speaker 1: make atonement and to be honest with you. I don't
Speaker 1: think Freddie knows this, but he's incredibly brave and Freddie
Speaker 1: is willing to be uncomfortable for the sake of the
Speaker 1: others around him, and it's something tremendously admirable about Freddie.
Speaker 1: Freddie has done one of the hardest things you could
Speaker 1: ever do in life, and that is get clean from
Speaker 1: substance abuse. It is very, very difficult to get clean
Speaker 1: from substance abuse and misuse, and Freddie has done that.
Speaker 1: And I genuinely believe that anybody who could do that
Speaker 1: could do just about anything. So who is Freddie? In
Speaker 1: my opinion, he's a superhero. He is flawed, and he
Speaker 1: has made some colossal, drastic errors in his life. He's
Speaker 1: been locked away from his family at times, and he
Speaker 1: hasn't always been a present father. But what makes him
Speaker 1: so remarkable is when he came out on the other
Speaker 1: side of the addiction and the incarceration, he had a
Speaker 1: heart to create healing with his nine children, and he
Speaker 1: had the courage to take steps to accomplish that healing. Now,
Speaker 1: I want to be very clear, I have no idea
Speaker 1: how this is going to work out for Freddie. I
Speaker 1: don't think anybody could possibly know that, and I'm not
Speaker 1: even sure I have no idea of knowing if Freddy's
Speaker 1: going to be able to stick to it, because it
Speaker 1: is that hard but the very fact that Freddie was
Speaker 1: willing to take even a step is significantly more than
Speaker 1: a lot of people in his position do. And that's
Speaker 1: exactly why I genuinely believe Freddie is a superhero. And
Speaker 1: the fact that he's also willing to expose that journey
Speaker 1: publicly on a forum like Family Therapy, it speaks to
Speaker 1: the level of strength, courage, and heart of this remarkable man.
Speaker 1: We should not be judged by the mistakes we make.
Speaker 1: We should be judged by the way we bounce back
Speaker 1: from them. And I really believe this process about showing
Speaker 1: Freddie's bounce back and seeing if he can create healing
Speaker 1: amongst his children. As a part of that bounce back,
Speaker 1: we spend some time discussing the difference it would make
Speaker 1: for him to reconnect with Jay and his grandchildren. What
Speaker 1: difference does it make for you to be reconnecting with
Speaker 1: Jen and her kids, your grandkids?
Speaker 3: Oh man, it's just a whole world. Man, It means
Speaker 3: a whole world to me.
Speaker 5: Like it seems like I could, you know, I could,
Speaker 5: like I could relive their childhood through their kids. You
Speaker 5: know what I mean in the sense because my grandson,
Speaker 5: he favors j great deal. J great deal too.
Speaker 3: It's like, you know, almost like a second chance almost.
Speaker 6: You know what I mean?
Speaker 1: And who is j to you? Like, why does this
Speaker 1: matter so much? Can you? Can you tell me why
Speaker 1: it matters so much to you to reconnect with her?
Speaker 3: Well, it's not her specifically, I want to reconnect with
Speaker 3: all of them.
Speaker 1: You know, you just said you just said something interesting, right,
Speaker 1: So I ask you, like, who is jay to you? Like,
Speaker 1: what's it like to reconnect for them? You said something
Speaker 1: interesting that I think is important. You said, I want
Speaker 1: to reconnect with all my kids. And I'm going to
Speaker 1: push you a little bit because I think there's something
Speaker 1: really important here, because there was a chunk of all
Speaker 1: of your kids live and for now, just highlight Jame,
Speaker 1: just to have a specific example where you were. You
Speaker 1: weren't around, You were out in the streets and incarcerated
Speaker 1: and all that stuff. You weren't around, and now you're
Speaker 1: around and you're saying like really important things like I
Speaker 1: had forgotten what it's like to have two kids around,
Speaker 1: Like you can't do anything by yourself, you can't even
Speaker 1: go to the bathroom. And I asked you, like it
Speaker 1: is important to reconnect with Jayleen like, yes, it's very important.
Speaker 1: I think when you're gone, the children may feel like
Speaker 1: we're not important to him. Like I'd be willing to
Speaker 1: bet there were times in Jay's life where she felt like,
Speaker 1: I'm not important to my father, And now it seems
Speaker 1: like she is very important to you and all of
Speaker 1: your kids. But it seems like she's very important to you.
Speaker 1: And one of the experiences, as you said you had,
Speaker 1: was like, when I'm playing around with the kids, I
Speaker 1: feel like it's a second chance. So a real important
Speaker 1: question I have, and I really want you to think
Speaker 1: about this. Do you think Jaylen knows that she's important
Speaker 1: to you, and she's so important to you that you
Speaker 1: want to keep trying and keep reconnecting and you're experiencing
Speaker 1: it as a second chance at her childhood, you even
Speaker 1: said it feels like I got a second chance because she
Speaker 1: favors the grandchild favors Jaylen, and it to you, it
Speaker 1: feels like a second chance. Do you think jay knows
Speaker 1: she's that important to you?
Speaker 2: Oh?
Speaker 3: Absolutely, I'm quite sure she does.
Speaker 7: That's Uh, it's funny because like, uh, when when they
Speaker 7: dropped when they when they drop the kids off. So
Speaker 7: there is the name he forgot his charger for his
Speaker 7: uh iPad, so there wasn't that far. They had stopped
Speaker 7: at the store, you know, and got some refreshments and
Speaker 7: stuff with her the ride back. So when when she came,
Speaker 7: when she came back, you know, I ad all the
Speaker 7: light so on. I was by the front door, await,
Speaker 7: and she just hugged me, like I don't know, I
Speaker 7: don't know why, Like I just got.
Speaker 3: For this talking to her, but you know what I mean.
Speaker 3: So when she came and she just hugged me, I'm like,
Speaker 3: hugged her, okay, like that.
Speaker 1: Like what was different about that hug that told you
Speaker 1: this is a hug of my daughter knowing how important
Speaker 1: she is to me.
Speaker 3: Well, it felt like so uh so, like so so rewarded.
Speaker 8: Like he's like, you make the last shot at the
Speaker 8: basketball game, is like five is left and you shoot
Speaker 8: it and it goal is in the basket and you
Speaker 8: win the game something like that.
Speaker 3: It felt like something like that, you know what I mean.
Speaker 3: And it was it was so julierating. I was like, oh, okay.
Speaker 1: So here's an important question. And I haven't heard you
Speaker 1: say this before, does J know? I mean, that's an
Speaker 1: amazing feeling that you're talking about Freddy, like like that
Speaker 1: that exhilarating feeling when you make the last shot at
Speaker 1: the end of the game, like that's special. Jane, know
Speaker 1: that you felt that when she hugged you. I know,
Speaker 1: I know there must be a motion between you and
Speaker 1: Ja because she came and she hugged you and it
Speaker 1: felt like that. But do you think Jay knows that
Speaker 1: you feel it too?
Speaker 3: I'm quite sure she does. I tell you know every
Speaker 3: time we talk on the phone and stuff like that.
Speaker 1: When you when you call her or talk to her,
Speaker 1: have you ever told her that you missed her while
Speaker 1: you were away, or how happy you are that she's
Speaker 1: back in your life, or how amazing it feels when
Speaker 1: she hugs you. Have you ever told her those things?
Speaker 3: Na to tell her that nice and never told nothing
Speaker 3: like that?
Speaker 1: What difference do you think it would make to Jay?
Speaker 1: They hear those things from.
Speaker 3: You, and probably a world of a world of difference.
Speaker 6: I understand what you're saying, because, like when I said that,
Speaker 6: my father wasn't verbally saying he loved me, but he
Speaker 6: did things and ways of an accident, right, But like
Speaker 6: I said, I do miss him saying verbally that I
Speaker 6: love you. Yes, yes, they both combine together to make
Speaker 6: the whole you know exactly.
Speaker 1: Stay tuned from my final thoughts after this. I don't
Speaker 1: think it's accurate that actions speak louder than words because
Speaker 1: it very much depends on the partner that you have.
Speaker 1: There are certain people that words are really really important.
Speaker 1: There are certain people that actions are really really important.
Speaker 1: There are certain people that both are really really important.
Speaker 1: So you have to know, and I'm gonna like this
Speaker 1: is super duper important. You have to know how does
Speaker 1: my partner experience the emotion of love? And then what
Speaker 1: do I need to say and or do to produce
Speaker 1: that in my partner's life. Once you understand that, then
Speaker 1: you'll understand it's not really about actions speaking louder than
Speaker 1: words or words being louder than actions. It's about I
Speaker 1: want my partner to feel love. And if my partner
Speaker 1: is an action oriented person, then I need to be
Speaker 1: a person of action. If if my partner is a
Speaker 1: like words of affirmation kind of person, then I need
Speaker 1: to be more verbal about my expression of love. But
Speaker 1: it is very very important that you spend the time
Speaker 1: getting to know your partner and how they experience love,
Speaker 1: and then do and or say the things in their
Speaker 1: life that produce that in their lives. This is not
Speaker 1: just a podcast that I want you to consume and
Speaker 1: be entertained by. I actually want you to be inspired.
Speaker 1: I want you to be impacted by this, and in fact,
Speaker 1: we can't help but be impacted by the content we consume.
Speaker 1: So what I would like for you to do is
Speaker 1: come on this healing journey with us. Come on this
Speaker 1: journey of change rediscovery with us. And the way to
Speaker 1: do that is to just pay attention to the things
Speaker 1: going on in your life as a consequence of listening
Speaker 1: to this podcast. Pay attention to things in your life
Speaker 1: shifting in a more desirable way. Pay attention to your
Speaker 1: desirable outcome becoming your reality. Pay attention to evidence of
Speaker 1: your success, your resilience, and your strength. And let us
Speaker 1: know in the comments what you're noticing in your life
Speaker 1: as a result of listening to this podcast and as
Speaker 1: a result of paying attention to these things. I would
Speaker 1: love to hear from you about your healing journey, your family,
Speaker 1: and your feedback. Leave a review, send a DM, connect
Speaker 1: with me on socials at Elliott Speaks, and you can
Speaker 1: also send me a text message to nine seventy two
Speaker 1: four two six two six four zero. Family Therapy is
Speaker 1: a production of iHeartRadio and The Black Effect podcast Network
Speaker 1: special thanks to our assistant Glendell Sepe. It's produced by
Speaker 1: Jack Queish Thomas and the executive producer Dolly S. S
Speaker 1: fisherm For more podcasts from The Black Effects, visit the
Speaker 1: iHeartRadio app or wherever you listen to your favorite shows.
Speaker 1: The content presented on the Family Therapy podcast serves solely
Speaker 1: for educational and informational purposes. It should not be considered
Speaker 1: a replacement for personalized medical or mental health guidance and
Speaker 1: does not constitute a provider patient relationship. It is advisable
Speaker 1: to consult with your healthcare provider or health team for
Speaker 1: any specific concerns or questions you may have.