1 00:00:01,639 --> 00:00:06,159 Speaker 1: In order to make it to this meeting, I left Durango, Colorado, 2 00:00:07,560 --> 00:00:11,520 Speaker 1: eighteen hours ago and had a six hour drive to 3 00:00:11,600 --> 00:00:16,760 Speaker 1: the airport, a three hour flight, a forty five minute 4 00:00:16,800 --> 00:00:19,000 Speaker 1: walk from the terminal to baggage claim, an hour and 5 00:00:19,040 --> 00:00:21,640 Speaker 1: a half drive from the airport to the hotel. Then 6 00:00:21,680 --> 00:00:24,520 Speaker 1: I got to the hotel and wasn't allowed to check 7 00:00:24,520 --> 00:00:26,639 Speaker 1: in until later, even though I was absolutely tired. I 8 00:00:26,640 --> 00:00:30,000 Speaker 1: didn't sleep overnight for all of those reasons, But the 9 00:00:30,040 --> 00:00:32,720 Speaker 1: reason I did it was because working with my producer 10 00:00:32,720 --> 00:00:36,960 Speaker 1: for this podcast is important, and producing the best podcast 11 00:00:37,040 --> 00:00:40,080 Speaker 1: we can is important. Having a strong relationship with my 12 00:00:40,159 --> 00:00:43,120 Speaker 1: producer is important. But that meant I was gonna have 13 00:00:43,159 --> 00:00:44,800 Speaker 1: to be a little bit uncomfortable. I'm gonna have to 14 00:00:44,840 --> 00:00:46,760 Speaker 1: be tired for a little bit longer than I wanted 15 00:00:46,840 --> 00:00:49,319 Speaker 1: to be. So we think we don't have enough time 16 00:00:49,320 --> 00:00:51,680 Speaker 1: because there's not enough minutes in the day, but that's 17 00:00:51,760 --> 00:00:55,360 Speaker 1: actually not true. There are lots of minutes in the day, 18 00:00:55,800 --> 00:00:58,960 Speaker 1: but we prioritize our own comfort. The easiest thing for 19 00:00:59,000 --> 00:01:02,680 Speaker 1: me to do today, after a long travel day, literally 20 00:01:02,800 --> 00:01:06,920 Speaker 1: about eighteen hours from door in Durango to door in 21 00:01:07,000 --> 00:01:10,000 Speaker 1: New York City, the easiest thing for me to do 22 00:01:10,080 --> 00:01:12,440 Speaker 1: to keep myself comfortable when I got to my hotel room, 23 00:01:12,920 --> 00:01:15,680 Speaker 1: take a shower to wash off the travel, and go 24 00:01:15,800 --> 00:01:20,560 Speaker 1: to sleep. The hardest thing for me to do is 25 00:01:20,600 --> 00:01:23,360 Speaker 1: to fight the urge to go to sleep, stay awake, 26 00:01:23,480 --> 00:01:26,560 Speaker 1: stay focused, stay alert. But I did that because that 27 00:01:26,720 --> 00:01:28,680 Speaker 1: is more in line with the person that I want 28 00:01:28,720 --> 00:01:31,320 Speaker 1: to be. So when you're on a healing journey, you 29 00:01:31,400 --> 00:01:33,600 Speaker 1: have to make more decisions that are in line with 30 00:01:33,640 --> 00:01:37,600 Speaker 1: the person that you want to be. And understand that's 31 00:01:37,640 --> 00:01:40,319 Speaker 1: going to come with some sacrifice, that's going to come 32 00:01:40,360 --> 00:01:43,600 Speaker 1: with some uncomfort, that's going to come with some difficulties, 33 00:01:43,800 --> 00:01:46,360 Speaker 1: but it's the good difficulty. It's the kind of difficulty 34 00:01:46,640 --> 00:01:48,920 Speaker 1: that's in line with who you want to be. There's 35 00:01:48,960 --> 00:01:52,280 Speaker 1: a difference between hard and hard, you know what I mean. 36 00:01:52,360 --> 00:01:55,120 Speaker 1: Like it was hard for me to stay awake in 37 00:01:55,200 --> 00:01:57,240 Speaker 1: extra ninety minutes to make sure I was alert and 38 00:01:57,320 --> 00:02:02,279 Speaker 1: available during this meeting. But that's a good heart because 39 00:02:02,280 --> 00:02:05,240 Speaker 1: that's me doing something that I'm proud of, that's meaningful 40 00:02:05,280 --> 00:02:08,239 Speaker 1: to me, that's important to me. And I think we 41 00:02:08,600 --> 00:02:10,919 Speaker 1: have this excuse like, oh, there's just not enough time 42 00:02:10,960 --> 00:02:13,680 Speaker 1: in the day, but the actual truth is you're just 43 00:02:13,760 --> 00:02:16,920 Speaker 1: in love with you with being comfortable, and you're not 44 00:02:17,080 --> 00:02:20,360 Speaker 1: willing to suffer. You're not willing to sacrifice, you're not 45 00:02:20,400 --> 00:02:23,280 Speaker 1: willing to grind, You're not willing to be uncomfortable, because 46 00:02:23,280 --> 00:02:26,560 Speaker 1: if you were, then that's how you make something a priority. 47 00:02:27,120 --> 00:02:29,959 Speaker 1: We think making a priority means we create more time, 48 00:02:30,320 --> 00:02:33,520 Speaker 1: but that's not true. Making something a priority is you 49 00:02:33,639 --> 00:02:38,000 Speaker 1: accept more uncomfort. You can go to the gym and exercise, 50 00:02:38,680 --> 00:02:40,640 Speaker 1: but if you have a trainer, you're going to go 51 00:02:40,720 --> 00:02:42,640 Speaker 1: a bit further because they're going to push you further 52 00:02:42,680 --> 00:02:45,520 Speaker 1: into your uncomfort. They're going to push you beyond your 53 00:02:45,560 --> 00:02:49,400 Speaker 1: comfort zone. So can you identify your own behaviors and patterns? 54 00:02:49,440 --> 00:02:51,880 Speaker 1: Of course you can. Can you pay attention to them, 55 00:02:52,080 --> 00:02:54,160 Speaker 1: of course you can. But who's going to hold you 56 00:02:54,200 --> 00:02:56,680 Speaker 1: accountable to change them? And who's going to hold you 57 00:02:56,680 --> 00:02:59,640 Speaker 1: accountable to do the difficult work associated with changing them. 58 00:03:00,080 --> 00:03:04,320 Speaker 1: That's literally the whole entire point of psychotherapy is so 59 00:03:04,360 --> 00:03:08,400 Speaker 1: that you can go further beyond your comfort zone and 60 00:03:08,800 --> 00:03:12,800 Speaker 1: further into your healing journey while being held accountable, while 61 00:03:12,919 --> 00:03:16,560 Speaker 1: being supported, while being pushed in a healthy way, to 62 00:03:16,639 --> 00:03:18,480 Speaker 1: be able to change the kind of patterns that are 63 00:03:18,520 --> 00:03:32,360 Speaker 1: causing problems in your life. Up until this point, we 64 00:03:32,400 --> 00:03:34,560 Speaker 1: have learned a great deal about each one of these 65 00:03:34,560 --> 00:03:42,240 Speaker 1: family members. Who is Jay. Jay is a strong, strong woman, 66 00:03:43,040 --> 00:03:46,640 Speaker 1: And I think Jay is such a strong and independent 67 00:03:46,680 --> 00:03:49,880 Speaker 1: woman because she's had to learn how to live her 68 00:03:49,960 --> 00:03:56,480 Speaker 1: life without praise, or at least consistent praise, and without 69 00:03:56,560 --> 00:04:01,720 Speaker 1: support from someone around her. And she's learned how to 70 00:04:01,800 --> 00:04:06,240 Speaker 1: succeed on her own without those things, which is an 71 00:04:06,280 --> 00:04:11,000 Speaker 1: incredibly rare trait. Jay is also someone I think that 72 00:04:11,040 --> 00:04:16,360 Speaker 1: takes her unbelievable gifts and strengths for granted and kind 73 00:04:16,440 --> 00:04:19,719 Speaker 1: of expects everyone to function at her level. Jame's one 74 00:04:19,720 --> 00:04:21,960 Speaker 1: of the most fascinating people that I've ever met, because 75 00:04:23,000 --> 00:04:27,920 Speaker 1: almost every time we spoke, I learned something fantastically new 76 00:04:28,600 --> 00:04:32,760 Speaker 1: about Jay that I didn't know in the previous sessions. 77 00:04:33,120 --> 00:04:35,640 Speaker 1: I learned about degrees she had gotten, roles she had 78 00:04:35,680 --> 00:04:38,800 Speaker 1: played in the military, some amazing accomplishment she had a 79 00:04:38,880 --> 00:04:43,440 Speaker 1: tieved in her life. It blew me away. And I 80 00:04:43,440 --> 00:04:46,559 Speaker 1: think sometimes Jay expects everybody to function at her level 81 00:04:46,600 --> 00:04:49,280 Speaker 1: because and not in a mean way, but I just 82 00:04:49,360 --> 00:04:52,640 Speaker 1: don't I don't always think Jay recognizes her own greatness 83 00:04:53,080 --> 00:04:55,599 Speaker 1: and how unique it is for her to be so great, 84 00:04:55,880 --> 00:04:59,159 Speaker 1: and she thinks everyone should function at that level. I 85 00:04:59,160 --> 00:05:03,160 Speaker 1: think it's important to recognize your own uniqueness and your 86 00:05:03,200 --> 00:05:06,159 Speaker 1: own gifts and your own traits for a couple of reasons. 87 00:05:06,240 --> 00:05:09,640 Speaker 1: Number one, because it allows you to build your own 88 00:05:09,760 --> 00:05:15,080 Speaker 1: self esteem and your own self like sense of self value. 89 00:05:15,680 --> 00:05:17,960 Speaker 1: But it also allows you to be more patient and 90 00:05:18,040 --> 00:05:21,680 Speaker 1: understanding with the people around you because you start recognizing 91 00:05:21,720 --> 00:05:26,599 Speaker 1: your own uniqueness and not holding people accountable to your level, 92 00:05:27,120 --> 00:05:29,640 Speaker 1: and will allow everybody around you to be who they are. 93 00:05:30,200 --> 00:05:32,760 Speaker 1: In a previous session, I asked jaa write down some 94 00:05:32,800 --> 00:05:36,120 Speaker 1: of the things that she's good at. Here are a 95 00:05:36,200 --> 00:05:37,719 Speaker 1: few that she shared with me. 96 00:05:40,960 --> 00:05:46,160 Speaker 2: I show up for others, A good listener, good at 97 00:05:46,240 --> 00:05:52,000 Speaker 2: encouraging others, good at helping people with their finances, a 98 00:05:52,040 --> 00:05:56,840 Speaker 2: good mom, oh, good at taking risk, and good at 99 00:05:56,880 --> 00:05:58,000 Speaker 2: taking care of my plants. 100 00:05:58,440 --> 00:06:00,200 Speaker 1: How do you know you're a good listener. 101 00:06:00,880 --> 00:06:03,440 Speaker 2: Because I feel like when I have conversations with people, 102 00:06:03,480 --> 00:06:07,040 Speaker 2: it's not one sided, like we talk, we listen to 103 00:06:07,080 --> 00:06:13,440 Speaker 2: each other, and we're both like we're both engaged in 104 00:06:13,480 --> 00:06:17,400 Speaker 2: the conversation. At least with most people. I feel that way. 105 00:06:17,680 --> 00:06:19,560 Speaker 2: Most of my well, all my friends, I would say, 106 00:06:20,720 --> 00:06:22,279 Speaker 2: and that I just I mean, like I feel like 107 00:06:22,320 --> 00:06:25,320 Speaker 2: when I'm talking to a friend or a family member 108 00:06:26,560 --> 00:06:32,159 Speaker 2: and we're having a conversation, I don't just wait to speak, 109 00:06:32,360 --> 00:06:35,640 Speaker 2: like I try to really hear what they're saying. 110 00:06:36,839 --> 00:06:38,400 Speaker 1: Do you enjoy that about yourself? 111 00:06:43,080 --> 00:06:44,039 Speaker 3: Yeah? 112 00:06:45,560 --> 00:06:47,760 Speaker 1: Excellent? Okay? And how do you know that you're good 113 00:06:47,760 --> 00:06:49,920 Speaker 1: with helping your friends with their finances? 114 00:06:52,800 --> 00:06:55,440 Speaker 2: Because people usually ask me for that kind of insight, 115 00:06:55,680 --> 00:06:58,680 Speaker 2: So I imagine that I'm good at it if they wouldn't 116 00:06:58,680 --> 00:07:00,720 Speaker 2: be asking if I wasn't if I was bad at it? 117 00:07:02,600 --> 00:07:04,760 Speaker 1: What is it about you that lets them know you're 118 00:07:04,760 --> 00:07:06,280 Speaker 1: the kind of person that they can ask that. 119 00:07:10,160 --> 00:07:13,120 Speaker 2: Because it's something that I talk about as a topic 120 00:07:13,160 --> 00:07:17,040 Speaker 2: that I bring up. And I know a lot of 121 00:07:17,040 --> 00:07:19,920 Speaker 2: people don't like to talk about money, but I do. 122 00:07:20,720 --> 00:07:22,480 Speaker 2: I like to talk about it. I like to help 123 00:07:22,560 --> 00:07:28,560 Speaker 2: people think about budgeting and ways to invest their money 124 00:07:29,520 --> 00:07:34,840 Speaker 2: and give them ideas, and they seem to be receptive 125 00:07:34,880 --> 00:07:36,760 Speaker 2: of it self. 126 00:07:36,760 --> 00:07:40,320 Speaker 1: Reflection is just the ability to look at yourself and 127 00:07:40,720 --> 00:07:44,480 Speaker 1: have an honest look at yourself. Are you doing the 128 00:07:44,560 --> 00:07:46,480 Speaker 1: things you want to be doing? Are you pleased with 129 00:07:46,520 --> 00:07:48,120 Speaker 1: who you are? And what you're doing. Are you in 130 00:07:48,160 --> 00:07:50,600 Speaker 1: line with your goals, hopes and dreams and living the 131 00:07:50,680 --> 00:07:53,200 Speaker 1: kind of life that you'd like to live. Judgment is 132 00:07:53,320 --> 00:07:56,760 Speaker 1: very different because judgment is when you add value to 133 00:07:56,880 --> 00:08:01,160 Speaker 1: those things which leads to a negative place. Like for example, 134 00:08:01,640 --> 00:08:03,320 Speaker 1: I can look at myself and say, you know what, 135 00:08:03,400 --> 00:08:06,520 Speaker 1: I didn't eat the things that I should be eating, 136 00:08:06,560 --> 00:08:08,920 Speaker 1: So tomorrow I'm going to do better. That's just a 137 00:08:08,960 --> 00:08:13,320 Speaker 1: self reflection. So judgment has a value attached to it, 138 00:08:13,920 --> 00:08:17,160 Speaker 1: and that value can be positive or negative, but is 139 00:08:17,320 --> 00:08:20,400 Speaker 1: usually negative. And I'll give you an example. If I 140 00:08:20,480 --> 00:08:22,560 Speaker 1: am thinking to myself, all right, you know what, I 141 00:08:22,560 --> 00:08:25,200 Speaker 1: had a long travel day. I ate a lot of 142 00:08:25,240 --> 00:08:28,480 Speaker 1: fast food. I ate a lot of greasy, gross food. 143 00:08:28,960 --> 00:08:30,640 Speaker 1: Not really pleased with that. So tomorrow I got to 144 00:08:30,680 --> 00:08:32,319 Speaker 1: do better and make sure I get back on the 145 00:08:32,400 --> 00:08:35,040 Speaker 1: rhythm that I want to be on. That's just a 146 00:08:35,080 --> 00:08:39,600 Speaker 1: self reflection. The judgment becomes and now I'm really disappointed 147 00:08:39,600 --> 00:08:42,160 Speaker 1: in myself. I could have and should have done better, 148 00:08:42,640 --> 00:08:47,520 Speaker 1: and that actually demotivates us. That leads to us actually 149 00:08:47,640 --> 00:08:51,200 Speaker 1: not growing and feeling good, and it makes it harder 150 00:08:51,200 --> 00:08:53,800 Speaker 1: for us to get back on track. So self reflection 151 00:08:54,080 --> 00:08:57,080 Speaker 1: is simply the analysis of how am I doing and 152 00:08:57,120 --> 00:08:59,760 Speaker 1: what do I need to change? Judgment attaches a value 153 00:08:59,760 --> 00:09:03,600 Speaker 1: to it, and that value usually leads towards problems. 154 00:09:03,960 --> 00:09:07,680 Speaker 2: I realized after doing some self reflecting, like the way 155 00:09:07,720 --> 00:09:11,280 Speaker 2: I grew up, I felt like my mom really never 156 00:09:11,320 --> 00:09:13,520 Speaker 2: paid me any mind. So I don't know if that's 157 00:09:13,559 --> 00:09:15,920 Speaker 2: like because I'm a third child or the oldest girl. 158 00:09:15,960 --> 00:09:18,320 Speaker 2: I'm not really sure why she's kind of aloof in 159 00:09:18,360 --> 00:09:23,120 Speaker 2: that way anyway, but I always felt like, no matter 160 00:09:23,200 --> 00:09:25,920 Speaker 2: where I was in the world, she really didn't I 161 00:09:25,920 --> 00:09:28,840 Speaker 2: won't say she didn't care, but she never expressed to 162 00:09:29,000 --> 00:09:36,280 Speaker 2: me that my presence was important to her. So because 163 00:09:36,320 --> 00:09:39,600 Speaker 2: of that, there's like this piece of me that likes 164 00:09:39,640 --> 00:09:44,320 Speaker 2: to be acknowledged and likes to be you know. So 165 00:09:44,440 --> 00:09:46,680 Speaker 2: I just like to feel like, Okay, you care that 166 00:09:46,720 --> 00:09:47,680 Speaker 2: I'm actually here. 167 00:09:49,360 --> 00:09:52,920 Speaker 1: Having the ability to visualize and focus on a future 168 00:09:53,080 --> 00:09:57,880 Speaker 1: that has not yet occurred is everything. I mean, it's 169 00:09:57,960 --> 00:10:01,120 Speaker 1: so incredibly important. If you can can't see it, you 170 00:10:01,240 --> 00:10:04,240 Speaker 1: can't be it. I think we all believe in the 171 00:10:04,280 --> 00:10:08,120 Speaker 1: power of manifestation, and those things happen for people who 172 00:10:08,160 --> 00:10:10,160 Speaker 1: are really focused on what they want to achieve and 173 00:10:10,200 --> 00:10:13,200 Speaker 1: what they want to have, and most people don't. Most 174 00:10:13,240 --> 00:10:16,480 Speaker 1: people are just kind of living life. Most people pay 175 00:10:16,520 --> 00:10:18,719 Speaker 1: more attention to what they don't want versus what they 176 00:10:18,760 --> 00:10:21,680 Speaker 1: do want. So when you see me talking to jay 177 00:10:21,679 --> 00:10:25,920 Speaker 1: in that way, I'm asking her like, I want you 178 00:10:26,000 --> 00:10:29,439 Speaker 1: to envision the life that you want, and the more 179 00:10:29,480 --> 00:10:32,080 Speaker 1: you can envision it, the more likely you are to 180 00:10:32,240 --> 00:10:37,080 Speaker 1: have it. And that's an incredibly important skilly Where do 181 00:10:37,120 --> 00:10:40,280 Speaker 1: you want to be? Like if you made an investment 182 00:10:40,280 --> 00:10:42,600 Speaker 1: and all of a sudden boom, you've got enough money 183 00:10:43,200 --> 00:10:45,199 Speaker 1: to go out of middle class? Like, where do you 184 00:10:45,240 --> 00:10:45,560 Speaker 1: want to be? 185 00:10:47,520 --> 00:10:49,360 Speaker 2: Oh, I want to be a millionaire by the time 186 00:10:49,559 --> 00:10:53,480 Speaker 2: forty five, that's my goal. I don't need you need 187 00:10:54,600 --> 00:10:56,400 Speaker 2: forty two. So I got a lot of work to. 188 00:10:56,280 --> 00:10:58,560 Speaker 1: Do, But that's cool. You got a lot of time. 189 00:11:00,720 --> 00:11:02,600 Speaker 2: I got like less than three years because I'll be 190 00:11:02,600 --> 00:11:05,960 Speaker 2: forty three in a few months. But I think it's possible. 191 00:11:08,000 --> 00:11:16,040 Speaker 2: I think that I don't want to have like ten million. 192 00:11:16,280 --> 00:11:21,320 Speaker 2: I'm good with like a cool million liquid, two million 193 00:11:21,360 --> 00:11:28,800 Speaker 2: networth something around here. That's the goal at least, Where. 194 00:11:28,640 --> 00:11:31,760 Speaker 1: Is Jayleen gonna live when she's got a million liquid 195 00:11:31,840 --> 00:11:33,040 Speaker 1: and another million in. 196 00:11:33,040 --> 00:11:37,320 Speaker 2: Assets on a farm? 197 00:11:37,440 --> 00:11:39,840 Speaker 1: Jaylen. For whatever reason, that is not what I expect 198 00:11:39,840 --> 00:11:43,480 Speaker 1: you to to say. Where will this farm be? 199 00:11:46,520 --> 00:11:48,440 Speaker 2: Maybe Georgia, North Carolina? 200 00:11:49,600 --> 00:11:51,920 Speaker 3: What mm hmm. 201 00:11:53,800 --> 00:11:57,640 Speaker 1: So Jalen works her butt off and by forty by 202 00:11:57,720 --> 00:12:00,280 Speaker 1: forty five, she's got a million dollars liqu with a 203 00:12:00,320 --> 00:12:03,360 Speaker 1: million dollars in assets. You're telling me that you would 204 00:12:03,400 --> 00:12:06,920 Speaker 1: move to the country and buy a farm. 205 00:12:07,000 --> 00:12:08,640 Speaker 2: Yes, absolutely. 206 00:12:12,280 --> 00:12:14,400 Speaker 1: Why does that sound so attractive to you? What is 207 00:12:14,440 --> 00:12:16,320 Speaker 1: it about that that that's appealing? 208 00:12:20,320 --> 00:12:26,560 Speaker 2: The idea of simplifying life and not necessarily making not 209 00:12:26,640 --> 00:12:28,520 Speaker 2: to say that people that live on farms have a 210 00:12:28,640 --> 00:12:32,160 Speaker 2: simple life, and the sense that is not challenging but 211 00:12:32,480 --> 00:12:37,840 Speaker 2: simple in the sense that it's quieter, it's slower, it's 212 00:12:38,120 --> 00:12:44,280 Speaker 2: an ability to be closer to nature. That is what 213 00:12:44,320 --> 00:12:47,280 Speaker 2: I want. I don't like city life. I haven't liked 214 00:12:47,280 --> 00:12:51,280 Speaker 2: it for a very long time. I don't I don't 215 00:12:51,400 --> 00:12:55,920 Speaker 2: like pollution, a lot of people, a lot of cars. 216 00:12:56,040 --> 00:12:59,920 Speaker 2: I don't like any of that stuff. I much rather 217 00:13:00,440 --> 00:13:02,800 Speaker 2: look outside and see trees versus people. 218 00:13:03,880 --> 00:13:08,840 Speaker 1: My gosh, I don't know why, but that is not 219 00:13:08,880 --> 00:13:10,000 Speaker 1: what I thought you would say. 220 00:13:11,480 --> 00:13:12,880 Speaker 2: What do you think I want? Like a condo? 221 00:13:13,400 --> 00:13:13,559 Speaker 3: Well? 222 00:13:13,600 --> 00:13:15,480 Speaker 1: Yeah, I mean you know. I know that you grew 223 00:13:15,559 --> 00:13:17,319 Speaker 1: up in New Jersey, you live in New Jersey. So 224 00:13:17,360 --> 00:13:19,800 Speaker 1: I thought you'd say, like the upper west side of 225 00:13:19,800 --> 00:13:21,280 Speaker 1: manhatt you know what I mean. I thought you'd say 226 00:13:21,320 --> 00:13:23,920 Speaker 1: something Park Avenue, you know, something like that. 227 00:13:24,920 --> 00:13:26,800 Speaker 2: No, I want the complete opposite of that. 228 00:13:28,559 --> 00:13:31,800 Speaker 1: And when you say farm, I naturally start thinking animals. 229 00:13:31,840 --> 00:13:33,479 Speaker 1: Do you want animals on your land? 230 00:13:34,840 --> 00:13:39,959 Speaker 2: Yes, I don't want not a lot of animals, like 231 00:13:40,000 --> 00:13:42,160 Speaker 2: I'm not trying to raise cows or anything like that, 232 00:13:42,800 --> 00:13:48,160 Speaker 2: but chickens maybe something like some among those lines. 233 00:13:48,960 --> 00:13:54,400 Speaker 1: M And do you want a relationship in that future? 234 00:13:56,360 --> 00:14:01,679 Speaker 2: Yes? Absolutely, And I. 235 00:14:01,640 --> 00:14:04,040 Speaker 1: Guess by the time you forty five, the boys will 236 00:14:04,080 --> 00:14:07,880 Speaker 1: still be young. How pleased would you be to be 237 00:14:08,000 --> 00:14:10,199 Speaker 1: raising your boys on a farm versus in the city. 238 00:14:11,840 --> 00:14:15,400 Speaker 2: I would love that. I would absolutely love that. I 239 00:14:15,400 --> 00:14:19,840 Speaker 2: would love for them to go in their backyard and 240 00:14:19,920 --> 00:14:24,680 Speaker 2: grab vegetables for dinner, or you know, to be outside 241 00:14:24,720 --> 00:14:30,320 Speaker 2: with me when I'm toiling dirt and taking care of animals, like, 242 00:14:30,360 --> 00:14:33,120 Speaker 2: I would love that. I think kids need that, they 243 00:14:33,160 --> 00:14:37,520 Speaker 2: need to be close to nature. Yeah, I would love that. 244 00:14:37,600 --> 00:14:38,760 Speaker 2: I think that would be beautiful. 245 00:14:39,880 --> 00:14:43,360 Speaker 1: How much of your hard work that you're doing is 246 00:14:43,400 --> 00:14:49,960 Speaker 1: to like manifest that in your future. One day. 247 00:14:50,800 --> 00:14:56,680 Speaker 2: I would say it's a significant part, but that is 248 00:14:56,720 --> 00:15:00,760 Speaker 2: something that I absolutely want, but it's us. The farm 249 00:15:00,760 --> 00:15:03,000 Speaker 2: part is something that I really want. But I also 250 00:15:03,120 --> 00:15:07,080 Speaker 2: really want to set my children up so that they 251 00:15:07,160 --> 00:15:15,520 Speaker 2: are financially stable. I know people talk about generational wealth 252 00:15:15,560 --> 00:15:18,320 Speaker 2: all the time and it's like the cats phrase, but like, 253 00:15:18,480 --> 00:15:22,760 Speaker 2: I truly believe in it, and I want them to 254 00:15:22,800 --> 00:15:26,200 Speaker 2: be able to pursue their dreams without wondering about how 255 00:15:26,200 --> 00:15:31,160 Speaker 2: they're going to pay back student loans or I got 256 00:15:31,160 --> 00:15:33,080 Speaker 2: to get this job so that I can afford to 257 00:15:33,080 --> 00:15:35,720 Speaker 2: pay my bills. I hate that, like I hate that 258 00:15:35,720 --> 00:15:38,840 Speaker 2: that's the situation for so many people. I want them 259 00:15:38,880 --> 00:15:42,760 Speaker 2: to be able to pursue, you know, whatever it is 260 00:15:42,760 --> 00:15:44,160 Speaker 2: that they want to do. I want them to be 261 00:15:44,200 --> 00:15:47,000 Speaker 2: able to do it without you know, the restrictions of 262 00:15:47,040 --> 00:15:51,160 Speaker 2: money kind of limiting them. I don't want them to 263 00:15:51,200 --> 00:15:53,720 Speaker 2: take jobs because they have bills to pay. I want 264 00:15:53,760 --> 00:15:55,560 Speaker 2: them to take the job that is going to let 265 00:15:55,600 --> 00:15:58,920 Speaker 2: them be amazing and to do what they want, you know, 266 00:15:58,960 --> 00:16:03,000 Speaker 2: whatever their heart is. I so that is the bigger goal. 267 00:16:03,640 --> 00:16:12,160 Speaker 2: If I can get a farm and do that hashtag winning, I. 268 00:16:12,120 --> 00:16:15,440 Speaker 1: Think that that's true. I'm surprised that it's a farm. 269 00:16:16,440 --> 00:16:18,880 Speaker 1: But if you can have all those things, I imagine 270 00:16:18,880 --> 00:16:23,840 Speaker 1: you would be feeling like you're winning. Right for sure? 271 00:16:24,280 --> 00:16:27,440 Speaker 1: What kind of relationship do you want and forgetting who 272 00:16:27,440 --> 00:16:31,280 Speaker 1: it might be, whether it's you know whatever, like some 273 00:16:31,440 --> 00:16:33,640 Speaker 1: specific person or not, Like, tell me the kind of 274 00:16:33,680 --> 00:16:38,560 Speaker 1: relationship you want to live in right on this ridiculous 275 00:16:38,600 --> 00:16:39,360 Speaker 1: farm of yours. 276 00:16:41,840 --> 00:16:45,760 Speaker 2: Yes, I want him to be someone that I respect 277 00:16:45,920 --> 00:16:52,360 Speaker 2: and that respects me, and someone where we encourage each 278 00:16:52,400 --> 00:16:57,720 Speaker 2: other and feed into each other on a daily basis. 279 00:16:57,800 --> 00:17:02,080 Speaker 2: Like I want some one that I show love to 280 00:17:02,480 --> 00:17:08,240 Speaker 2: be willingly and fully without ever questioning how much love 281 00:17:08,240 --> 00:17:10,240 Speaker 2: are they going to show me back? Like I want 282 00:17:10,280 --> 00:17:12,800 Speaker 2: to just be able to pour out to someone that 283 00:17:13,880 --> 00:17:16,520 Speaker 2: I have no apprehensions about doing that because I know 284 00:17:16,680 --> 00:17:19,359 Speaker 2: they're going to pour into me and return, So my 285 00:17:19,400 --> 00:17:22,120 Speaker 2: cup is never going to be empty because no matter 286 00:17:22,119 --> 00:17:25,600 Speaker 2: how much I give this person, they're given back. And 287 00:17:25,640 --> 00:17:28,640 Speaker 2: it's you know, it's that love of reciprocity is there. 288 00:17:29,280 --> 00:17:33,320 Speaker 2: I would like it to be just a really loving, 289 00:17:34,840 --> 00:17:41,320 Speaker 2: encouraging relationship where I see the God in him, and 290 00:17:41,359 --> 00:17:43,800 Speaker 2: he sees the God in me, and we nourish that, 291 00:17:44,680 --> 00:17:47,679 Speaker 2: and we don't, you know, kind of fall victim to 292 00:17:47,960 --> 00:17:50,240 Speaker 2: some of the day to day things because we truly 293 00:17:50,320 --> 00:17:55,960 Speaker 2: see value in one another. And somebody that I can 294 00:17:55,960 --> 00:17:58,200 Speaker 2: work hand in hand with on this farm, so he 295 00:17:58,320 --> 00:18:01,280 Speaker 2: gonna have to be alone, rugged gonna have to like 296 00:18:01,320 --> 00:18:08,760 Speaker 2: dirt a little bit. Yeah, So I think those are 297 00:18:09,080 --> 00:18:09,800 Speaker 2: the foundation. 298 00:18:10,359 --> 00:18:14,480 Speaker 1: And you said like they would pour into me. What's 299 00:18:14,480 --> 00:18:19,480 Speaker 1: your favorite way for a romantic partner to pour into you? Like, 300 00:18:19,840 --> 00:18:21,880 Speaker 1: what does a romantic partner need to do to make 301 00:18:21,880 --> 00:18:24,800 Speaker 1: you feel really loved and really valued? 302 00:18:25,720 --> 00:18:33,640 Speaker 2: Mhm. I think verbal is part of it. The communication 303 00:18:35,200 --> 00:18:42,560 Speaker 2: is definitely key, but not just I guess, not just 304 00:18:42,560 --> 00:18:45,359 Speaker 2: the verbal piece, but I do really really enjoy that, 305 00:18:45,920 --> 00:18:54,119 Speaker 2: but also someone who plans things. I guess that's someone 306 00:18:54,200 --> 00:18:56,840 Speaker 2: like who really takes the time to show me that 307 00:18:56,960 --> 00:19:00,679 Speaker 2: he loves me, not just tell me that he loves me, 308 00:19:00,760 --> 00:19:05,280 Speaker 2: but like, Okay, I love you, And because I love you, 309 00:19:05,600 --> 00:19:11,720 Speaker 2: I wrote a note in your and left like A 310 00:19:11,800 --> 00:19:13,920 Speaker 2: left a loving note in your purse. You know what 311 00:19:13,960 --> 00:19:15,600 Speaker 2: I'm saying, Like, I took the time out of my 312 00:19:16,200 --> 00:19:19,480 Speaker 2: day to do something specifically that is showing you that 313 00:19:19,600 --> 00:19:24,800 Speaker 2: I care. I didn't come home and watch dishes because 314 00:19:24,800 --> 00:19:26,800 Speaker 2: that feels like the thing you want me to do. 315 00:19:26,840 --> 00:19:29,440 Speaker 2: But I actually said, you know what, neither one of 316 00:19:29,520 --> 00:19:31,320 Speaker 2: us are going to watch dishes because I'm bringing dinner. 317 00:19:31,320 --> 00:19:33,640 Speaker 2: I'm going to go to your favorite restaurant and pick 318 00:19:33,680 --> 00:19:35,359 Speaker 2: up your food and bring it home because I know 319 00:19:35,400 --> 00:19:37,800 Speaker 2: you've been home doing X, Y and Z all day. 320 00:19:37,960 --> 00:19:40,920 Speaker 2: Just someone who actually likes take the time to plan 321 00:19:41,040 --> 00:19:46,480 Speaker 2: things for me. I think that's a really beautiful thing. 322 00:19:48,880 --> 00:19:51,960 Speaker 1: Thank you for listening. When we return, we will gain 323 00:19:52,080 --> 00:20:05,359 Speaker 1: more insight from the other family members. You know, I 324 00:20:05,400 --> 00:20:10,920 Speaker 1: find David to be really incredible as well. I think 325 00:20:11,320 --> 00:20:14,199 Speaker 1: the first thing I want to say about David, and 326 00:20:14,240 --> 00:20:18,720 Speaker 1: this is also true for Jay, but David made it 327 00:20:19,640 --> 00:20:24,639 Speaker 1: out of an incredibly difficult environment to make it out of. 328 00:20:25,400 --> 00:20:32,200 Speaker 1: They literally make movies about how difficult the environment David 329 00:20:32,359 --> 00:20:37,400 Speaker 1: started his life in, and he somehow ended up in 330 00:20:37,440 --> 00:20:43,919 Speaker 1: one of the top universities in our country playing football 331 00:20:44,080 --> 00:20:47,000 Speaker 1: at such a high level that he eventually was able 332 00:20:47,040 --> 00:20:54,120 Speaker 1: to do it professionally. David is an incredibly strong person, 333 00:20:54,880 --> 00:20:59,479 Speaker 1: and an incredibly focused person, and an incredibly confident person. 334 00:21:00,520 --> 00:21:06,480 Speaker 1: But I think the transition out of sports into civilian life, 335 00:21:06,520 --> 00:21:10,560 Speaker 1: if you will has been difficult for David and robbed 336 00:21:10,640 --> 00:21:14,639 Speaker 1: him of some of his confidence and some of his motivation. 337 00:21:16,040 --> 00:21:18,399 Speaker 1: I think David wants more than anything else to be 338 00:21:18,440 --> 00:21:23,159 Speaker 1: the confident version of himself and to get back to 339 00:21:23,280 --> 00:21:27,639 Speaker 1: that strength that he had. I also think one of 340 00:21:27,640 --> 00:21:30,600 Speaker 1: the most amazing things about David is he's an incredibly 341 00:21:30,680 --> 00:21:35,280 Speaker 1: sensitive man and the relationships in his life really matter. 342 00:21:35,640 --> 00:21:39,600 Speaker 1: Relationships with his sister, who has since passed on, his 343 00:21:39,760 --> 00:21:43,240 Speaker 1: mother who has passed on. Being a good father is 344 00:21:43,280 --> 00:21:45,600 Speaker 1: important to David, and also being a good partner, and 345 00:21:45,640 --> 00:21:47,359 Speaker 1: I think he wrestles with how do I get that 346 00:21:47,400 --> 00:21:52,520 Speaker 1: confidence back and make those people in those relationships in 347 00:21:52,600 --> 00:21:56,720 Speaker 1: his life proud of him? And like anything else, it's 348 00:21:56,720 --> 00:22:01,160 Speaker 1: a difficult journey. When we fall into patterns, we get 349 00:22:01,200 --> 00:22:04,879 Speaker 1: further and further away from the person that we want 350 00:22:04,920 --> 00:22:06,520 Speaker 1: to be of the person that we used to be, 351 00:22:07,359 --> 00:22:10,080 Speaker 1: and in order to re establish new patterns, it takes 352 00:22:10,080 --> 00:22:12,879 Speaker 1: time and it's difficult. You know, David was committed to 353 00:22:12,920 --> 00:22:16,640 Speaker 1: the process early on, and I appreciate that about David, 354 00:22:16,640 --> 00:22:19,159 Speaker 1: and I think it highlights kind of who he is 355 00:22:19,200 --> 00:22:21,879 Speaker 1: and how focused he can be when he has the 356 00:22:21,960 --> 00:22:23,240 Speaker 1: right mindset. 357 00:22:23,640 --> 00:22:28,879 Speaker 4: Attitude, any emotions. I'm not letting that get in the 358 00:22:28,920 --> 00:22:34,920 Speaker 4: way of anything, you know. I mean, I still got kids. 359 00:22:34,960 --> 00:22:36,679 Speaker 4: I still got to be on my son though, but 360 00:22:37,240 --> 00:22:40,520 Speaker 4: you know, just trying to you know, filter in the 361 00:22:40,720 --> 00:22:44,720 Speaker 4: energy a little bit different than previous times and stuff. 362 00:22:44,760 --> 00:22:49,359 Speaker 4: I'm not letting people upset me or things as being said, 363 00:22:49,520 --> 00:22:53,919 Speaker 4: upset me or change my mood. So, you know, just 364 00:22:53,960 --> 00:22:55,960 Speaker 4: by doing my things that I need to do on 365 00:22:56,040 --> 00:22:58,600 Speaker 4: my checklist, it's just you know, it's keeping me going. 366 00:22:59,000 --> 00:23:01,639 Speaker 4: Everybody got their own little thing, but it's keeping me going. 367 00:23:02,200 --> 00:23:04,679 Speaker 4: And the routine. Stop in the morning, listen to my 368 00:23:04,760 --> 00:23:11,199 Speaker 4: affirmation say, listen to some uh something that's my motivational stuff, 369 00:23:11,280 --> 00:23:14,840 Speaker 4: positive things, and then once that's done, I put on 370 00:23:14,920 --> 00:23:17,359 Speaker 4: my music to get the energy, go to the park. 371 00:23:18,160 --> 00:23:20,600 Speaker 4: So like, I just gotta, like I'm a creature habit, 372 00:23:20,680 --> 00:23:22,800 Speaker 4: so I just gotta keep my routine and my things 373 00:23:22,800 --> 00:23:25,400 Speaker 4: that's gonna make me positive and make me a better person. 374 00:23:25,920 --> 00:23:28,479 Speaker 4: Like it's not gonna be it's not perfect, but I 375 00:23:28,520 --> 00:23:31,040 Speaker 4: take the you know, like I like, like they're saying 376 00:23:31,080 --> 00:23:36,680 Speaker 4: football inches go to yards, yards go to first downs, 377 00:23:36,720 --> 00:23:39,800 Speaker 4: first downs, and then touchdowns, So I take it just 378 00:23:39,880 --> 00:23:42,560 Speaker 4: like that. The whole field inches by You know. 379 00:23:42,600 --> 00:23:46,679 Speaker 1: What's interesting is I've always thought that football is an 380 00:23:46,680 --> 00:23:53,320 Speaker 1: amazing metaphor for life, Like if you focus on touchdowns, 381 00:23:53,359 --> 00:23:56,480 Speaker 1: it becomes way harder to get touchdowns. But football is 382 00:23:56,480 --> 00:24:00,560 Speaker 1: actually a game of inches, and if you focus on 383 00:24:00,640 --> 00:24:04,639 Speaker 1: like all incremental steps, it becomes much easier to to 384 00:24:04,720 --> 00:24:15,560 Speaker 1: accomplish the bigger goal. Yes, absolutely, Okay, absolutely, game suggest 385 00:24:15,680 --> 00:24:19,200 Speaker 1: the name of the game, right, I think that's absolutely true. 386 00:24:19,240 --> 00:24:21,000 Speaker 1: I also think that's the name of the game of 387 00:24:21,040 --> 00:24:26,960 Speaker 1: life is focus on like the small incremental steps, Like 388 00:24:27,760 --> 00:24:30,840 Speaker 1: if you focus on the moments, then it's easier to 389 00:24:30,880 --> 00:24:32,639 Speaker 1: have a good day and a good week, and a 390 00:24:32,680 --> 00:24:35,280 Speaker 1: good month and so on. If you focus on trying 391 00:24:35,320 --> 00:24:37,159 Speaker 1: to have a good you know, a good month or 392 00:24:37,200 --> 00:24:39,480 Speaker 1: a good year, it becomes way too difficult. Yes. 393 00:24:40,840 --> 00:24:42,600 Speaker 3: Absolutely, What is your. 394 00:24:42,520 --> 00:24:45,760 Speaker 1: Internal voice saying? And do you have to change it? 395 00:24:46,000 --> 00:24:48,040 Speaker 1: If it is not in line with who you want 396 00:24:48,080 --> 00:24:51,600 Speaker 1: to be? You have to train your internal voice. You've 397 00:24:51,600 --> 00:24:54,639 Speaker 1: got to like, I'm not going to listen to my 398 00:24:54,880 --> 00:24:57,399 Speaker 1: internal voice that's not moving me closer to the way 399 00:24:57,440 --> 00:24:58,840 Speaker 1: I want to be, and I am going to listen 400 00:24:59,200 --> 00:25:04,080 Speaker 1: to the internal voice that is like me personally I've 401 00:25:04,359 --> 00:25:07,359 Speaker 1: begun a pretty significant fitness journey. I want to get 402 00:25:07,400 --> 00:25:10,199 Speaker 1: back to being the healthier version of me physically. And 403 00:25:10,359 --> 00:25:13,600 Speaker 1: every night I go for a run, and while I'm running, 404 00:25:13,600 --> 00:25:15,959 Speaker 1: I got that internal voice that tells me, you know 405 00:25:16,000 --> 00:25:19,400 Speaker 1: you can stop now, you've run enough. You know your 406 00:25:19,400 --> 00:25:23,399 Speaker 1: young lungs are burning. Like that internal voice happens. But 407 00:25:23,520 --> 00:25:25,960 Speaker 1: you've got to know, I'm not gonna listen to that 408 00:25:26,000 --> 00:25:28,359 Speaker 1: one because that's the one that is not getting me 409 00:25:28,400 --> 00:25:31,040 Speaker 1: closer to my goals. But I've got that other internal 410 00:25:31,119 --> 00:25:34,040 Speaker 1: voice that says, Elliott, keep going. Aren't you proud of yourself? 411 00:25:34,160 --> 00:25:36,680 Speaker 1: Imagine one's going to feel like when you're done. Imagine 412 00:25:36,680 --> 00:25:38,800 Speaker 1: that feeling you're gonna have when you're finished and you 413 00:25:38,880 --> 00:25:42,119 Speaker 1: know you've accomplished yet another goal. Keep going. And I 414 00:25:42,280 --> 00:25:45,359 Speaker 1: train myself to listen to that internal voice. And the 415 00:25:45,359 --> 00:25:47,600 Speaker 1: more you can do that, the more successful you're going 416 00:25:47,640 --> 00:25:49,160 Speaker 1: to be in life. 417 00:25:49,320 --> 00:25:54,800 Speaker 4: Well, I want my mindset that change to remove all doubt. Right, 418 00:25:55,359 --> 00:25:58,520 Speaker 4: I was walking around with too much doubt. And that's 419 00:25:58,560 --> 00:26:03,000 Speaker 4: not usually me. People when they speak about me, sometimes 420 00:26:03,040 --> 00:26:05,480 Speaker 4: they you know, the things that they say, I wasn't 421 00:26:05,520 --> 00:26:08,399 Speaker 4: seeing it in myself. They got to that point in 422 00:26:08,440 --> 00:26:10,520 Speaker 4: time like it was like I was a little big. 423 00:26:10,720 --> 00:26:13,679 Speaker 4: I was being too hard on myself, you know, in 424 00:26:13,720 --> 00:26:16,520 Speaker 4: a bad way and not a good way. And I 425 00:26:17,240 --> 00:26:21,600 Speaker 4: feel like now the mindset, no doubt, no doubt, David, 426 00:26:22,040 --> 00:26:25,520 Speaker 4: you got it, smart, you can do it. You know 427 00:26:25,520 --> 00:26:27,240 Speaker 4: what I'm saying. You just got to apply it. And 428 00:26:27,320 --> 00:26:29,760 Speaker 4: once I apply it and I lock in on something, 429 00:26:29,800 --> 00:26:32,200 Speaker 4: I'm gonna get it. By lock in on it, I'm 430 00:26:32,240 --> 00:26:34,280 Speaker 4: definitely gonna because I'm not gonna stop until I get 431 00:26:34,320 --> 00:26:37,600 Speaker 4: to it. And that's the thing. And I gotta get 432 00:26:37,600 --> 00:26:40,120 Speaker 4: that back I had that. I gotta get that back. 433 00:26:40,440 --> 00:26:43,240 Speaker 4: And it slowly, slowly but shortly is coming into the 434 00:26:43,400 --> 00:26:45,399 Speaker 4: yards and it's coming back. So once I lock in, 435 00:26:45,480 --> 00:26:48,280 Speaker 4: that's it. And then just keep on going. And then 436 00:26:48,359 --> 00:26:50,600 Speaker 4: remind myself that I don't want to go back to 437 00:26:50,680 --> 00:26:53,080 Speaker 4: that way. I want to stay this way or get 438 00:26:53,160 --> 00:26:57,080 Speaker 4: better and keep on going straight. No rarey mirror, not 439 00:26:57,160 --> 00:26:59,240 Speaker 4: in the mind, no very mirror. Whatever is in the 440 00:26:59,280 --> 00:27:01,080 Speaker 4: back and of the past, they got to stay that way. 441 00:27:01,480 --> 00:27:04,520 Speaker 1: Once you can identify what works, you now know what 442 00:27:04,560 --> 00:27:06,879 Speaker 1: you need to repeat. And you guys are going to 443 00:27:06,960 --> 00:27:11,240 Speaker 1: notice a theme here. Most of us, we don't analyze 444 00:27:11,240 --> 00:27:14,960 Speaker 1: our lives for what works. We analyze our lives for 445 00:27:15,040 --> 00:27:19,159 Speaker 1: what feels good or what is comfortable. But you have 446 00:27:19,240 --> 00:27:22,879 Speaker 1: to ask yourself what is working for me? Meaning what 447 00:27:23,040 --> 00:27:26,000 Speaker 1: actions am I taking in my life that are moving 448 00:27:26,040 --> 00:27:28,560 Speaker 1: me closer to the version of myself that I want 449 00:27:28,600 --> 00:27:31,240 Speaker 1: to be, That are moving me closer to the goals 450 00:27:31,320 --> 00:27:33,879 Speaker 1: I want to achieve, that are moving me closer to 451 00:27:34,000 --> 00:27:37,399 Speaker 1: having the accomplishments that I want to have. The things 452 00:27:37,440 --> 00:27:41,720 Speaker 1: that are doing that you need to repeat. But too 453 00:27:41,840 --> 00:27:45,120 Speaker 1: often we base our decisions based on what feels good 454 00:27:45,760 --> 00:27:48,480 Speaker 1: or what was most comfortable. But you've got to ask 455 00:27:48,480 --> 00:27:51,159 Speaker 1: yourself what is working, what is moving me in a 456 00:27:51,240 --> 00:27:54,560 Speaker 1: direction that I want to go And once you know 457 00:27:54,600 --> 00:27:58,080 Speaker 1: what those things are, then you can repeat them. We'll 458 00:27:58,119 --> 00:28:01,240 Speaker 1: be right back after this with more more family therapy. 459 00:28:08,720 --> 00:28:16,000 Speaker 1: Freddie is a man who has battled demons a lot 460 00:28:16,040 --> 00:28:20,080 Speaker 1: of his life. But more than anything else, Freddie has 461 00:28:20,119 --> 00:28:26,919 Speaker 1: a massive, huge heart, and Freddie wants to heal and 462 00:28:27,000 --> 00:28:29,880 Speaker 1: make atonement and to be honest with you. I don't 463 00:28:29,880 --> 00:28:35,080 Speaker 1: think Freddie knows this, but he's incredibly brave and Freddie 464 00:28:35,119 --> 00:28:40,640 Speaker 1: is willing to be uncomfortable for the sake of the 465 00:28:40,720 --> 00:28:47,600 Speaker 1: others around him, and it's something tremendously admirable about Freddie. 466 00:28:47,880 --> 00:28:50,480 Speaker 1: Freddie has done one of the hardest things you could 467 00:28:50,480 --> 00:28:53,280 Speaker 1: ever do in life, and that is get clean from 468 00:28:53,760 --> 00:28:57,360 Speaker 1: substance abuse. It is very, very difficult to get clean 469 00:28:57,400 --> 00:29:01,000 Speaker 1: from substance abuse and misuse, and Freddie has done that. 470 00:29:01,080 --> 00:29:03,280 Speaker 1: And I genuinely believe that anybody who could do that 471 00:29:03,920 --> 00:29:07,640 Speaker 1: could do just about anything. So who is Freddie? In 472 00:29:07,680 --> 00:29:11,280 Speaker 1: my opinion, he's a superhero. He is flawed, and he 473 00:29:11,320 --> 00:29:16,240 Speaker 1: has made some colossal, drastic errors in his life. He's 474 00:29:16,280 --> 00:29:18,880 Speaker 1: been locked away from his family at times, and he 475 00:29:18,920 --> 00:29:21,480 Speaker 1: hasn't always been a present father. But what makes him 476 00:29:21,720 --> 00:29:24,400 Speaker 1: so remarkable is when he came out on the other 477 00:29:24,480 --> 00:29:30,000 Speaker 1: side of the addiction and the incarceration, he had a 478 00:29:30,040 --> 00:29:35,080 Speaker 1: heart to create healing with his nine children, and he 479 00:29:35,240 --> 00:29:40,520 Speaker 1: had the courage to take steps to accomplish that healing. Now, 480 00:29:40,600 --> 00:29:43,320 Speaker 1: I want to be very clear, I have no idea 481 00:29:43,360 --> 00:29:44,880 Speaker 1: how this is going to work out for Freddie. I 482 00:29:44,880 --> 00:29:47,560 Speaker 1: don't think anybody could possibly know that, and I'm not 483 00:29:47,640 --> 00:29:50,360 Speaker 1: even sure I have no idea of knowing if Freddy's 484 00:29:50,360 --> 00:29:51,560 Speaker 1: going to be able to stick to it, because it 485 00:29:51,600 --> 00:29:54,760 Speaker 1: is that hard but the very fact that Freddie was 486 00:29:54,880 --> 00:29:59,239 Speaker 1: willing to take even a step is significantly more than 487 00:29:59,280 --> 00:30:01,880 Speaker 1: a lot of people in his position do. And that's 488 00:30:01,960 --> 00:30:07,600 Speaker 1: exactly why I genuinely believe Freddie is a superhero. And 489 00:30:07,640 --> 00:30:10,080 Speaker 1: the fact that he's also willing to expose that journey 490 00:30:10,520 --> 00:30:14,320 Speaker 1: publicly on a forum like Family Therapy, it speaks to 491 00:30:14,360 --> 00:30:18,280 Speaker 1: the level of strength, courage, and heart of this remarkable man. 492 00:30:19,000 --> 00:30:21,200 Speaker 1: We should not be judged by the mistakes we make. 493 00:30:21,200 --> 00:30:22,920 Speaker 1: We should be judged by the way we bounce back 494 00:30:22,920 --> 00:30:26,600 Speaker 1: from them. And I really believe this process about showing 495 00:30:26,600 --> 00:30:29,960 Speaker 1: Freddie's bounce back and seeing if he can create healing 496 00:30:30,000 --> 00:30:33,080 Speaker 1: amongst his children. As a part of that bounce back, 497 00:30:33,840 --> 00:30:36,360 Speaker 1: we spend some time discussing the difference it would make 498 00:30:36,400 --> 00:30:40,320 Speaker 1: for him to reconnect with Jay and his grandchildren. What 499 00:30:40,360 --> 00:30:42,440 Speaker 1: difference does it make for you to be reconnecting with 500 00:30:42,560 --> 00:30:44,920 Speaker 1: Jen and her kids, your grandkids? 501 00:30:45,800 --> 00:30:50,800 Speaker 3: Oh man, it's just a whole world. Man, It means 502 00:30:50,800 --> 00:30:51,640 Speaker 3: a whole world to me. 503 00:30:52,160 --> 00:30:57,200 Speaker 5: Like it seems like I could, you know, I could, 504 00:30:57,240 --> 00:31:05,280 Speaker 5: like I could relive their childhood through their kids. You 505 00:31:05,320 --> 00:31:08,760 Speaker 5: know what I mean in the sense because my grandson, 506 00:31:09,400 --> 00:31:12,080 Speaker 5: he favors j great deal. J great deal too. 507 00:31:12,640 --> 00:31:15,560 Speaker 3: It's like, you know, almost like a second chance almost. 508 00:31:15,280 --> 00:31:15,760 Speaker 6: You know what I mean? 509 00:31:17,840 --> 00:31:20,440 Speaker 1: And who is j to you? Like, why does this 510 00:31:20,560 --> 00:31:23,400 Speaker 1: matter so much? Can you? Can you tell me why 511 00:31:23,480 --> 00:31:26,400 Speaker 1: it matters so much to you to reconnect with her? 512 00:31:26,960 --> 00:31:31,800 Speaker 3: Well, it's not her specifically, I want to reconnect with 513 00:31:31,920 --> 00:31:32,400 Speaker 3: all of them. 514 00:31:33,920 --> 00:31:36,880 Speaker 1: You know, you just said you just said something interesting, right, 515 00:31:36,960 --> 00:31:41,440 Speaker 1: So I ask you, like, who is jay to you? Like, 516 00:31:41,520 --> 00:31:43,400 Speaker 1: what's it like to reconnect for them? You said something 517 00:31:44,080 --> 00:31:47,400 Speaker 1: interesting that I think is important. You said, I want 518 00:31:47,400 --> 00:31:52,600 Speaker 1: to reconnect with all my kids. And I'm going to 519 00:31:52,680 --> 00:31:54,960 Speaker 1: push you a little bit because I think there's something 520 00:31:55,000 --> 00:31:59,680 Speaker 1: really important here, because there was a chunk of all 521 00:31:59,720 --> 00:32:02,880 Speaker 1: of your kids live and for now, just highlight Jame, 522 00:32:03,000 --> 00:32:06,160 Speaker 1: just to have a specific example where you were. You 523 00:32:06,200 --> 00:32:09,480 Speaker 1: weren't around, You were out in the streets and incarcerated 524 00:32:09,520 --> 00:32:12,880 Speaker 1: and all that stuff. You weren't around, and now you're 525 00:32:12,960 --> 00:32:17,960 Speaker 1: around and you're saying like really important things like I 526 00:32:18,000 --> 00:32:20,400 Speaker 1: had forgotten what it's like to have two kids around, 527 00:32:20,440 --> 00:32:22,400 Speaker 1: Like you can't do anything by yourself, you can't even 528 00:32:22,440 --> 00:32:27,120 Speaker 1: go to the bathroom. And I asked you, like it 529 00:32:27,160 --> 00:32:30,400 Speaker 1: is important to reconnect with Jayleen like, yes, it's very important. 530 00:32:31,720 --> 00:32:38,480 Speaker 1: I think when you're gone, the children may feel like 531 00:32:38,720 --> 00:32:42,600 Speaker 1: we're not important to him. Like I'd be willing to 532 00:32:42,640 --> 00:32:46,040 Speaker 1: bet there were times in Jay's life where she felt like, 533 00:32:46,200 --> 00:32:52,280 Speaker 1: I'm not important to my father, And now it seems 534 00:32:52,360 --> 00:32:56,360 Speaker 1: like she is very important to you and all of 535 00:32:56,400 --> 00:32:58,560 Speaker 1: your kids. But it seems like she's very important to you. 536 00:32:58,640 --> 00:33:00,760 Speaker 1: And one of the experiences, as you said you had, 537 00:33:00,960 --> 00:33:03,120 Speaker 1: was like, when I'm playing around with the kids, I 538 00:33:03,120 --> 00:33:07,640 Speaker 1: feel like it's a second chance. So a real important 539 00:33:07,720 --> 00:33:09,160 Speaker 1: question I have, and I really want you to think 540 00:33:09,160 --> 00:33:15,600 Speaker 1: about this. Do you think Jaylen knows that she's important 541 00:33:15,760 --> 00:33:18,840 Speaker 1: to you, and she's so important to you that you 542 00:33:18,880 --> 00:33:23,920 Speaker 1: want to keep trying and keep reconnecting and you're experiencing 543 00:33:23,960 --> 00:33:28,160 Speaker 1: it as a second chance at her childhood, you even 544 00:33:28,200 --> 00:33:30,720 Speaker 1: said it feels like I got a second chance because she 545 00:33:30,960 --> 00:33:36,320 Speaker 1: favors the grandchild favors Jaylen, and it to you, it 546 00:33:36,320 --> 00:33:41,280 Speaker 1: feels like a second chance. Do you think jay knows 547 00:33:42,080 --> 00:33:43,520 Speaker 1: she's that important to you? 548 00:33:45,400 --> 00:33:45,600 Speaker 2: Oh? 549 00:33:45,640 --> 00:33:50,520 Speaker 3: Absolutely, I'm quite sure she does. 550 00:33:51,800 --> 00:33:57,400 Speaker 7: That's Uh, it's funny because like, uh, when when they 551 00:33:57,480 --> 00:34:01,480 Speaker 7: dropped when they when they drop the kids off. So 552 00:34:01,640 --> 00:34:04,880 Speaker 7: there is the name he forgot his charger for his 553 00:34:05,480 --> 00:34:10,600 Speaker 7: uh iPad, so there wasn't that far. They had stopped 554 00:34:10,600 --> 00:34:12,920 Speaker 7: at the store, you know, and got some refreshments and 555 00:34:12,920 --> 00:34:15,960 Speaker 7: stuff with her the ride back. So when when she came, 556 00:34:16,440 --> 00:34:20,040 Speaker 7: when she came back, you know, I ad all the 557 00:34:20,120 --> 00:34:21,919 Speaker 7: light so on. I was by the front door, await, 558 00:34:23,160 --> 00:34:27,239 Speaker 7: and she just hugged me, like I don't know, I 559 00:34:27,280 --> 00:34:29,600 Speaker 7: don't know why, Like I just got. 560 00:34:29,520 --> 00:34:33,200 Speaker 3: For this talking to her, but you know what I mean. 561 00:34:33,520 --> 00:34:35,360 Speaker 3: So when she came and she just hugged me, I'm like, 562 00:34:35,960 --> 00:34:38,000 Speaker 3: hugged her, okay, like that. 563 00:34:38,040 --> 00:34:40,279 Speaker 1: Like what was different about that hug that told you 564 00:34:41,040 --> 00:34:43,720 Speaker 1: this is a hug of my daughter knowing how important 565 00:34:43,760 --> 00:34:44,239 Speaker 1: she is to me. 566 00:34:47,480 --> 00:34:57,480 Speaker 3: Well, it felt like so uh so, like so so rewarded. 567 00:34:57,600 --> 00:35:01,120 Speaker 8: Like he's like, you make the last shot at the 568 00:35:01,160 --> 00:35:04,520 Speaker 8: basketball game, is like five is left and you shoot 569 00:35:04,520 --> 00:35:07,000 Speaker 8: it and it goal is in the basket and you 570 00:35:07,040 --> 00:35:08,600 Speaker 8: win the game something like that. 571 00:35:08,719 --> 00:35:10,600 Speaker 3: It felt like something like that, you know what I mean. 572 00:35:11,280 --> 00:35:15,719 Speaker 3: And it was it was so julierating. I was like, oh, okay. 573 00:35:16,239 --> 00:35:19,359 Speaker 1: So here's an important question. And I haven't heard you 574 00:35:19,440 --> 00:35:24,040 Speaker 1: say this before, does J know? I mean, that's an 575 00:35:24,080 --> 00:35:28,359 Speaker 1: amazing feeling that you're talking about Freddy, like like that 576 00:35:28,360 --> 00:35:30,719 Speaker 1: that exhilarating feeling when you make the last shot at 577 00:35:30,719 --> 00:35:34,239 Speaker 1: the end of the game, like that's special. Jane, know 578 00:35:35,520 --> 00:35:39,879 Speaker 1: that you felt that when she hugged you. I know, 579 00:35:40,400 --> 00:35:42,600 Speaker 1: I know there must be a motion between you and 580 00:35:42,719 --> 00:35:45,680 Speaker 1: Ja because she came and she hugged you and it 581 00:35:45,719 --> 00:35:49,359 Speaker 1: felt like that. But do you think Jay knows that 582 00:35:49,600 --> 00:35:50,640 Speaker 1: you feel it too? 583 00:35:53,360 --> 00:36:01,279 Speaker 3: I'm quite sure she does. I tell you know every 584 00:36:01,280 --> 00:36:03,520 Speaker 3: time we talk on the phone and stuff like that. 585 00:36:05,560 --> 00:36:07,879 Speaker 1: When you when you call her or talk to her, 586 00:36:09,600 --> 00:36:11,680 Speaker 1: have you ever told her that you missed her while 587 00:36:11,680 --> 00:36:14,719 Speaker 1: you were away, or how happy you are that she's 588 00:36:14,719 --> 00:36:17,799 Speaker 1: back in your life, or how amazing it feels when 589 00:36:17,800 --> 00:36:19,680 Speaker 1: she hugs you. Have you ever told her those things? 590 00:36:21,160 --> 00:36:25,560 Speaker 3: Na to tell her that nice and never told nothing 591 00:36:25,600 --> 00:36:26,000 Speaker 3: like that? 592 00:36:28,040 --> 00:36:30,200 Speaker 1: What difference do you think it would make to Jay? 593 00:36:30,280 --> 00:36:32,480 Speaker 1: They hear those things from. 594 00:36:32,280 --> 00:36:38,560 Speaker 3: You, and probably a world of a world of difference. 595 00:36:39,239 --> 00:36:42,399 Speaker 6: I understand what you're saying, because, like when I said that, 596 00:36:43,120 --> 00:36:48,680 Speaker 6: my father wasn't verbally saying he loved me, but he 597 00:36:49,280 --> 00:36:53,799 Speaker 6: did things and ways of an accident, right, But like 598 00:36:53,800 --> 00:36:58,880 Speaker 6: I said, I do miss him saying verbally that I 599 00:36:58,920 --> 00:37:05,520 Speaker 6: love you. Yes, yes, they both combine together to make 600 00:37:05,520 --> 00:37:07,400 Speaker 6: the whole you know exactly. 601 00:37:10,360 --> 00:37:22,919 Speaker 1: Stay tuned from my final thoughts after this. I don't 602 00:37:22,920 --> 00:37:25,800 Speaker 1: think it's accurate that actions speak louder than words because 603 00:37:25,800 --> 00:37:28,839 Speaker 1: it very much depends on the partner that you have. 604 00:37:29,400 --> 00:37:32,320 Speaker 1: There are certain people that words are really really important. 605 00:37:32,640 --> 00:37:35,320 Speaker 1: There are certain people that actions are really really important. 606 00:37:35,520 --> 00:37:37,880 Speaker 1: There are certain people that both are really really important. 607 00:37:38,400 --> 00:37:40,680 Speaker 1: So you have to know, and I'm gonna like this 608 00:37:40,719 --> 00:37:44,959 Speaker 1: is super duper important. You have to know how does 609 00:37:45,080 --> 00:37:49,919 Speaker 1: my partner experience the emotion of love? And then what 610 00:37:50,000 --> 00:37:52,880 Speaker 1: do I need to say and or do to produce 611 00:37:52,960 --> 00:37:57,520 Speaker 1: that in my partner's life. Once you understand that, then 612 00:37:57,560 --> 00:38:00,000 Speaker 1: you'll understand it's not really about actions speaking louder than 613 00:38:00,080 --> 00:38:03,480 Speaker 1: words or words being louder than actions. It's about I 614 00:38:03,520 --> 00:38:06,040 Speaker 1: want my partner to feel love. And if my partner 615 00:38:06,160 --> 00:38:08,640 Speaker 1: is an action oriented person, then I need to be 616 00:38:08,680 --> 00:38:12,120 Speaker 1: a person of action. If if my partner is a 617 00:38:12,320 --> 00:38:15,160 Speaker 1: like words of affirmation kind of person, then I need 618 00:38:15,160 --> 00:38:18,440 Speaker 1: to be more verbal about my expression of love. But 619 00:38:18,600 --> 00:38:21,360 Speaker 1: it is very very important that you spend the time 620 00:38:21,440 --> 00:38:24,959 Speaker 1: getting to know your partner and how they experience love, 621 00:38:25,480 --> 00:38:28,239 Speaker 1: and then do and or say the things in their 622 00:38:28,280 --> 00:38:34,600 Speaker 1: life that produce that in their lives. This is not 623 00:38:34,840 --> 00:38:38,000 Speaker 1: just a podcast that I want you to consume and 624 00:38:38,040 --> 00:38:41,319 Speaker 1: be entertained by. I actually want you to be inspired. 625 00:38:41,640 --> 00:38:44,680 Speaker 1: I want you to be impacted by this, and in fact, 626 00:38:44,840 --> 00:38:48,520 Speaker 1: we can't help but be impacted by the content we consume. 627 00:38:48,760 --> 00:38:50,440 Speaker 1: So what I would like for you to do is 628 00:38:50,520 --> 00:38:53,239 Speaker 1: come on this healing journey with us. Come on this 629 00:38:53,320 --> 00:38:57,799 Speaker 1: journey of change rediscovery with us. And the way to 630 00:38:57,880 --> 00:39:01,120 Speaker 1: do that is to just pay attention to the things 631 00:39:01,200 --> 00:39:04,600 Speaker 1: going on in your life as a consequence of listening 632 00:39:04,640 --> 00:39:07,440 Speaker 1: to this podcast. Pay attention to things in your life 633 00:39:07,480 --> 00:39:10,600 Speaker 1: shifting in a more desirable way. Pay attention to your 634 00:39:10,680 --> 00:39:14,360 Speaker 1: desirable outcome becoming your reality. Pay attention to evidence of 635 00:39:14,400 --> 00:39:18,399 Speaker 1: your success, your resilience, and your strength. And let us 636 00:39:18,520 --> 00:39:21,480 Speaker 1: know in the comments what you're noticing in your life 637 00:39:21,719 --> 00:39:24,319 Speaker 1: as a result of listening to this podcast and as 638 00:39:24,320 --> 00:39:27,640 Speaker 1: a result of paying attention to these things. I would 639 00:39:27,640 --> 00:39:30,880 Speaker 1: love to hear from you about your healing journey, your family, 640 00:39:31,000 --> 00:39:34,200 Speaker 1: and your feedback. Leave a review, send a DM, connect 641 00:39:34,200 --> 00:39:36,520 Speaker 1: with me on socials at Elliott Speaks, and you can 642 00:39:36,560 --> 00:39:38,839 Speaker 1: also send me a text message to nine seventy two 643 00:39:38,960 --> 00:39:42,600 Speaker 1: four two six two six four zero. Family Therapy is 644 00:39:42,600 --> 00:39:46,320 Speaker 1: a production of iHeartRadio and The Black Effect podcast Network 645 00:39:46,360 --> 00:39:49,600 Speaker 1: special thanks to our assistant Glendell Sepe. It's produced by 646 00:39:49,680 --> 00:39:53,040 Speaker 1: Jack Queish Thomas and the executive producer Dolly S. S 647 00:39:53,080 --> 00:39:56,440 Speaker 1: fisherm For more podcasts from The Black Effects, visit the 648 00:39:56,480 --> 00:39:59,960 Speaker 1: iHeartRadio app or wherever you listen to your favorite shows. 649 00:40:00,840 --> 00:40:03,760 Speaker 1: The content presented on the Family Therapy podcast serves solely 650 00:40:03,760 --> 00:40:06,680 Speaker 1: for educational and informational purposes. It should not be considered 651 00:40:06,680 --> 00:40:09,400 Speaker 1: a replacement for personalized medical or mental health guidance and 652 00:40:09,480 --> 00:40:12,840 Speaker 1: does not constitute a provider patient relationship. It is advisable 653 00:40:12,840 --> 00:40:15,360 Speaker 1: to consult with your healthcare provider or health team for 654 00:40:15,440 --> 00:40:17,520 Speaker 1: any specific concerns or questions you may have.