Speaker 1: Okay, Well, hello Catherine, Hey Chelsea, you know what, why
Speaker 1: don't we start with dates today? Because I know your
Speaker 1: Eugene Oregon show had to be rescheduled for March fourth
Speaker 1: and Portland is on March five now, but what else
Speaker 1: do you have going on? Okay? So I have some
Speaker 1: announcements for my stand up. We've rescheduled Vancouver and Calgary
Speaker 1: dates to August twelfth and thirteen, so they are no
Speaker 1: longer on April three. Now. The Grammys are on April three,
Speaker 1: and I have to go to the Grammys this year
Speaker 1: because I'm nominated for a Grammy for Best Comedy Album. Okay,
Speaker 1: so I had to reschedule my Vancouver and Calgary dates.
Speaker 1: That's Canada, and all the other dates existing are staying
Speaker 1: the same, so we have that to celebrate as well.
Speaker 1: And yeah, what else, Catherine? You look very vivacious today,
Speaker 1: I would say, is the word. My hair is doing
Speaker 1: like a Kelly Kapowski thing, and I'm not mad about it.
Speaker 1: It's just like different. I don't know who Kelly Kapowski is,
Speaker 1: but I like the way that that your hair looks.
Speaker 1: It looks like you were freshly something recently, like something positive. Happened. Well,
Speaker 1: I mean, I was gonna say several positive things happened
Speaker 1: last night, but that's probably not something you can talk
Speaker 1: about on the air. I don't see why. I don't
Speaker 1: see why not. I mean, what's stopping you? Just sex stuff? Really?
Speaker 1: But okay, well, I'm glad for you and I'm glad
Speaker 1: for Brad. It seems like the two of you are thriving.
Speaker 1: We're just we're truly are with your fiscal your fiscal sexuality.
Speaker 1: That's your area of expertise, fiscal sexuality. That's right, that's right.
Speaker 1: I'm always reading finance books, or especially books about how
Speaker 1: finances make people feel like that to me is very interesting.
Speaker 1: I know, I know I don't have a good handle
Speaker 1: on that because I don't struggle with finances, and even
Speaker 1: when I did, I was so broke for so long
Speaker 1: that I just always knew I would have money, Like
Speaker 1: I always assumed i'd be successful. I just knew it.
Speaker 1: I had like a dollar credit card debt when I
Speaker 1: was a waitress because I would take everyone out all
Speaker 1: the time before I had money, and I just charge
Speaker 1: it to credit cards. I was like, I'll get this later.
Speaker 1: That was actually something that Colleen said she was like
Speaker 1: even when she had no money, she was she would
Speaker 1: always treat she was very generous. But my friends, like
Speaker 1: three of them filed for bankruptcy when we were in
Speaker 1: her twenties and they just got a clean slate, And
Speaker 1: I was like, that is such fucking horseship rude. Yeah,
Speaker 1: So I never did that. I was like, I'm paying
Speaker 1: my money back. I'm never gonna steal, Like I mean,
Speaker 1: I'll steal, but not from not for the that set up, Like,
Speaker 1: you know, you make that kind of debt, you should
Speaker 1: incur that kind of debt, you should pay it back.
Speaker 1: So I did, Yeah, but I was never like, oh
Speaker 1: sud I mean I was like, oh, yeah, thirty thousand
Speaker 1: dollars in credit card fees. I mean, Bill's no problem
Speaker 1: with this, and he guess what, it wasn't a problem.
Speaker 1: So you have to believe. Do you feel like because
Speaker 1: you just expected success to happen, that was part of
Speaker 1: what helped it like manifest itself in the universe. Yeah.
Speaker 1: I think when you have one singular notion and you're
Speaker 1: only working towards that notion, like there's nothing that can
Speaker 1: get in your way. When you're headstrong and you think
Speaker 1: like this is your destiny and you believe that, then
Speaker 1: that is what is going to happen. What else is
Speaker 1: going to happen? You know, you're not putting your efforts
Speaker 1: towards I certainly wasn't, but it wasn't putting my efforts
Speaker 1: towards being a good waitress, which was what I was doing.
Speaker 1: I wasn't like I was like, I gotta make this work,
Speaker 1: and last I was like, oh okay, Like how do
Speaker 1: I get the funk out of this job? I've always
Speaker 1: been inherently lazy, even if I work a lot, my
Speaker 1: my go to Like yesterday, I had a big thing
Speaker 1: that was canceled at the last minute, so I had
Speaker 1: the whole day off. I went over to the house. Yeah, hello,
Speaker 1: I love that. I mean, I wasn't upset, and I
Speaker 1: had been dieting for this thing, like I had been
Speaker 1: really being the shoot. Yeah, and it got canceled. So
Speaker 1: I ended up going to my girlfriend's house and we
Speaker 1: smoked a duby at around ten thirty in the morning.
Speaker 1: Then we went to launch at Javier's in Century City.
Speaker 1: I had to Margarita's. We came home, I went home,
Speaker 1: got into bed, took it edible and watched oz Arcs
Speaker 1: for probably six hours, and yes I was I was like,
Speaker 1: I'm gonna stay up. I'm gonna stay up, and then
Speaker 1: I'm like, no, I'm not. As soon as it hit
Speaker 1: nine thirty, I was out. And then Joe came home
Speaker 1: at ten thirty from his trip and I was out cold,
Speaker 1: and I was just like, what a beautiful day. Like
Speaker 1: That's how I would like aside from working out, I
Speaker 1: really just want to be in bed all day long. Yeah.
Speaker 1: My my one mentor, she's always called it a flow day,
Speaker 1: which kind of sounds like a period thing, but it
Speaker 1: does not. She just says, like, have a day where
Speaker 1: you just do the next thing you want to do.
Speaker 1: You wanted to get a margarita, and then you wanted
Speaker 1: to lay in bed and watch os Ark, and then
Speaker 1: you wanted to you know. It's just like, just just
Speaker 1: have a day where you don't have any plans. You
Speaker 1: just do the next thing whenever you want to do it.
Speaker 1: I said to my dermatologist this morning. I was like, hey,
Speaker 1: I was like, I told her what I did yesterday.
Speaker 1: I could just feel the judgment coming from r because
Speaker 1: she has four children and she's just like, what you
Speaker 1: sat in bed and watched O Talk all day. It's like, yeah, bitch,
Speaker 1: that's exactly what I did. Some people could never do that.
Speaker 1: People people that will never ever lie in bed all day. No,
Speaker 1: or they can't because they have like nine kids running around,
Speaker 1: or even like two kids running around. Like, people don't understand.
Speaker 1: I'll be like, oh, yeah, like slept until ten. They're like,
Speaker 1: what is your life? I'm like, that's kind of that's
Speaker 1: not crazy if you don't have kids. Yeah, no, I know.
Speaker 1: I That's the only thing that I'm not good at
Speaker 1: is I don't sleep in anymore. I wake up early,
Speaker 1: Like if I sleep till eight, that's late. Yeah, I'm
Speaker 1: I'm getting worse about that. Like last weekend I was
Speaker 1: able to sleep late into the morning, but it's been
Speaker 1: months since I've slept on the weekend past, like even
Speaker 1: like nine. I think. Yeah, I think that's an age thing.
Speaker 1: As you get older, you stopped sleeping in. Yeah. Also
Speaker 1: getting just like excited for coffee in the morning. Do
Speaker 1: you ever have that? I'm not excited for I'll wake
Speaker 1: I'll go to sleep, and I'll be like, but in
Speaker 1: the morning, I could have coffee. I mean, I've been
Speaker 1: taking these little Kiani boosters. He's caffeine like from my
Speaker 1: one of my nutrition has sent them to me, and
Speaker 1: it's like a mine sharpener and it just like wakes
Speaker 1: you up and makes you alert. So I have that
Speaker 1: in lieu of coffee a lot, and that really works. Well,
Speaker 1: that's nice. Yeah, I know, it's like a shot and
Speaker 1: you just wake up. Because I'm not that into coffee.
Speaker 1: I just drink it, you know, as like a you know,
Speaker 1: if I'm strinking it socially, it's like alcohol for me.
Speaker 1: Just if other people are around, you'll have it. Uh No,
Speaker 1: it's like what alcohol is for other people. Coffee is
Speaker 1: to me. So alcohol I could have alone or with
Speaker 1: a friend. But coffee I usually have if someone's there
Speaker 1: and they're having coffee. Like Joe loves coffee, so I'll
Speaker 1: go with him and get a coffee. It's a problem
Speaker 1: if you're drinking it alone. Well, I tried to have
Speaker 1: one of his coffees, which is like a triple latte
Speaker 1: with oat milk, and I'm like, uh, then I had
Speaker 1: diarrhea for the entire day. I'm like, get away from
Speaker 1: me with these trips. I don't need a triple fucking
Speaker 1: I needed to you, Joe, by the way, he's bouncing
Speaker 1: off the walls and then and he falls asleep. Yeah,
Speaker 1: he has like so boundless energy, it seems so. I'm
Speaker 1: sure more now that he's been working out with you
Speaker 1: and Ben Bruno. Yeah, his body is really coming together.
Speaker 1: His friends probably all think, either're like, oh fun he
Speaker 1: started dating Chelsea and she fucking whipped his ass into shape.
Speaker 1: You know that. Everyone's like, oh, she's got him skin.
Speaker 1: He's in lost twenty pounds. Oh my god. I know. Well,
Speaker 1: let's talk about our guest for today, shall we. Oh? Yeah,
Speaker 1: our guests is Funny Okay, so I guess today. She
Speaker 1: is kind of known as the big sister of TikTok.
Speaker 1: She has a new podcast it's called It's Me Tanks,
Speaker 1: which will launch Monday, February one, and I'm excited to
Speaker 1: welcome her to the show because I have been watching
Speaker 1: her on TikTok for a long time. So please welcome Tanks. Tanks,
Speaker 1: welcome to the show. Thank you. I'm so excited to
Speaker 1: be here. Thank you. I'm excited to talk to you
Speaker 1: because we have so much in common, because you're kind
Speaker 1: of like a self annoyed alcohol that I'm sorry, I
Speaker 1: am an alcoholic. I just realized that it's CDC put
Speaker 1: out a message about however many drinks is average for
Speaker 1: a man, like eight to sixteen anything over that. You're
Speaker 1: an alcoholic as a man, but for a woman it's
Speaker 1: much less. And I'm like, you know what, this is
Speaker 1: another sexist because like, fuck you, why are we supposed
Speaker 1: to drink less than men? We're the ones who have
Speaker 1: to deal with men, which causes us to drink even more. Exactly,
Speaker 1: it's it's really the CDC is sexist and unclear. Frankly,
Speaker 1: I don't trust them as far as I can throw them.
Speaker 1: They can't count for ships, so who are they to
Speaker 1: count my cocktails per week? That's a great point, tanks,
Speaker 1: that's a great point. Anyway, I cut you off. What
Speaker 1: else do we have in common place? You're like a
Speaker 1: self anointed big sister of TikTok? Like I didn't. I
Speaker 1: didn't realize that you are basically giving advice to the
Speaker 1: masses and giving your opinions and advice to people who
Speaker 1: are it's solicited and unsolicited, really, because sometimes it is solicited,
Speaker 1: But I fucking love that and that's how I operate it.
Speaker 1: I'm constantly giving out information, whether people are asking for
Speaker 1: it or not. Yeah, I just kind of run my mouth.
Speaker 1: And I do believe in sharing information and passing on
Speaker 1: what I know, because if I can save a girl
Speaker 1: three weeks from like agonizing over a fun boy with
Speaker 1: just like a little mind trick that I've used, then
Speaker 1: that's a win. Right. I don't know everything, but I
Speaker 1: might know a little bit more than than some people.
Speaker 1: And I also love asking for advice, So I think
Speaker 1: that that it goes both ways. Like I love learning things.
Speaker 1: I love, you know, hearing like from my friends how
Speaker 1: did you do that? I love reading memoirs, especially from women,
Speaker 1: and just learning like you know, how did you pay?
Speaker 1: How did you do it? And then I pass it on.
Speaker 1: So yeah, and sometimes it's unsolicited, but I think that
Speaker 1: I'm always right, so people need to hear. Yeah, that's
Speaker 1: exactly how I feel like my opinion is valuable. The
Speaker 1: more the people I get to, the better for the world, exactly.
Speaker 1: I also think it's important to recognize when you are
Speaker 1: to share things with women, you know, because I have
Speaker 1: so many friends in this industry who are very secretive
Speaker 1: about the things and the little tricks that they do
Speaker 1: to lose weight or look younger, or what they're doing
Speaker 1: in your face or their body. So that's another area
Speaker 1: where I feel very passionate about doing the opposite, because
Speaker 1: you should be letting other women in on the secret's,
Speaker 1: not keeping them and hoarding them for yourself. I totally agree,
Speaker 1: and I think whatever you do is your business and
Speaker 1: that's fine, but you can't, like, because I'm now in
Speaker 1: the public eye, so to speak, I feel a responsibility
Speaker 1: to say what I've had done, so I'm not, you know,
Speaker 1: setting unrealistic expectations for girls that are younger than me.
Speaker 1: I love botox, and I say that, and I say
Speaker 1: I get it all the time, and I use very
Speaker 1: expensive skincare. But but I tell you know, I'm like,
Speaker 1: this is what I do. I don't just like drink
Speaker 1: a lot of water, any poach salmon, like as all
Speaker 1: the celebrities lied in the nineties that that's all they did.
Speaker 1: You put alive oil on your face, jail or you're
Speaker 1: you're lying, like, no, you will also poach salmon. You
Speaker 1: can only have like for three days in a row
Speaker 1: before you never forget want. So that's a lie right there.
Speaker 1: So that's a lie. So it's like, yeah, I don't
Speaker 1: believe in gate keeping. I I think that my whole
Speaker 1: stick is like if there's a room full of women
Speaker 1: and someone in there has a problem and someone else
Speaker 1: in there has the answer, and it's all about sharing
Speaker 1: the information, and if I can help play a small
Speaker 1: part that then that's great. But yeah, I I honestly
Speaker 1: won't shut the funk up about not only just advice,
Speaker 1: but just like, well, this is what I'm doing this week, er,
Speaker 1: this is what I'm trying here, because it's just like,
Speaker 1: share the information. That's how we're gonna move. And also, yeah,
Speaker 1: share the information good and bad. When you have a
Speaker 1: bad experience with something, share that to help women understand
Speaker 1: what the options are because I obviously, I mean I
Speaker 1: do so much ship with facials, with treatments, with I
Speaker 1: v S, with skin, with lasers, all this ship, and
Speaker 1: it's like I'm totally willing to share all that stuff.
Speaker 1: And you also have to recognize that it's also very
Speaker 1: expensive stuff totally not everybody can afford, so you can
Speaker 1: feel bad about sharing it, but it's it's just the truth,
Speaker 1: so there's nothing to feel bad about. It's like you
Speaker 1: just put that out there, like, yes, I understand this treatment.
Speaker 1: So this is a little steep for most people. But
Speaker 1: this is what I'm getting done, right. And if you
Speaker 1: have of you know, X amount of spared dollars to
Speaker 1: spend on one thing, that I'd prefer to recommend the
Speaker 1: best one, you know. So it's like I might as
Speaker 1: well say the truth. If it's a great I cream
Speaker 1: and you happen to have the extra money to buy it,
Speaker 1: then get the good one. How old are you? Oh god, wow,
Speaker 1: that's nice. Well no, no, I was, and a lot
Speaker 1: of I creams, Yeah, thirty one. What do you got
Speaker 1: for me? Oh god, I've got lots for you. I mean,
Speaker 1: first of all, I didn't start drinking water until I
Speaker 1: was like forty four, so I found I find water
Speaker 1: to be the most boring, boring thing in the world.
Speaker 1: Right now, my housekeeper has to doctor this up for me.
Speaker 1: Every morning. There's like there's cucumber lemon water in my fridge.
Speaker 1: Then there's plain water, and then there's BlackBerry and strawberry
Speaker 1: like spa water. So there's array so that I can
Speaker 1: drink water. But I said to my friend, I go, okay,
Speaker 1: I have a big photo shoot coming up, and I
Speaker 1: have to be like it's for this athletic company, and
Speaker 1: I'm lebra and underwear and doing stuff like not just
Speaker 1: sitting moving and I was like, I don't know about
Speaker 1: the moving part and the jiggle, and and my friends like,
Speaker 1: just don't drink any sparkling water for like four days
Speaker 1: leading up to the photos shoot. I'm like, fuck you.
Speaker 1: I'm like, no bubbles, Like I'm so addicted to carbonation.
Speaker 1: The idea of no sparkling water. She's like, it's it's
Speaker 1: bad for cellult I refuse to believe it. I know
Speaker 1: it blows you. And it's just like that's the bitch
Speaker 1: of getting older. It's like you things just show up
Speaker 1: on your face and your body in a way like
Speaker 1: they didn't used to. So it's like I always say,
Speaker 1: after the age of twenty seven, if you eat a
Speaker 1: big piece of cake the next day, you're gonna look
Speaker 1: a little ugly. It'll shop. But I liked also what
Speaker 1: you said about it not being the end of the
Speaker 1: world when you do gain ten Yeah, it's like, do
Speaker 1: you remember that era where it was like like when
Speaker 1: I was like twenty five and I would gain ten
Speaker 1: pounds and I'd be like, the world is coming to
Speaker 1: an end. Oh, I wouldn't even allow myself to gain
Speaker 1: ten pounds because I would weigh myself six to seven
Speaker 1: times throughout the day and if my number, oh yeah, oh,
Speaker 1: I used to run, talk about anorexia nervosa or whatever
Speaker 1: on my condition was. I don't like to diagnose things
Speaker 1: in the past, only in the present, so I've never
Speaker 1: really reflected on it. But I used to run like
Speaker 1: six to eight miles every morning. I'd weigh myself before
Speaker 1: I ran. Then i'd weigh myself after I ran to
Speaker 1: see how much water weight I lost. Then I would
Speaker 1: never replenish with actual water. It was just like diet
Speaker 1: soda or you know whatever, juice, diet juice and apple
Speaker 1: like I was just so unhealthy. And then I would
Speaker 1: weigh myself continually throughout the day to monitor my weight
Speaker 1: because I thought with every meal it could just go haywire.
Speaker 1: Like I once went to Africa without a scale, and
Speaker 1: I came back and I had gained sixteen pounds, and
Speaker 1: I thought, oh, oh, you can't be trusted on a
Speaker 1: trip like your fucking lunatic sixteen pounds. Albeit I just
Speaker 1: had a c L surgery, so I wasn't able to
Speaker 1: be mobile and I wasn't able to walk around. So
Speaker 1: after that I became even more ardently committed to traveling
Speaker 1: with a scale so I can monitor the situation. Now
Speaker 1: I've become a lot more relaxed about my weight because
Speaker 1: it doesn't jump and bounce out and down so much.
Speaker 1: And I'm not as obsessive as I used to be.
Speaker 1: But I have to say, like I I don't know
Speaker 1: anybody who was more obsessed with weighing themselves than I was.
Speaker 1: It's a prison, it is. It's a total prison. I
Speaker 1: was just talking to my followers about it this week.
Speaker 1: It is a complete self made prison. And it's so
Speaker 1: I hate how many messages I get about weight. I
Speaker 1: hate how many d ms like how did you find
Speaker 1: the freedom? How do you you know? How do you
Speaker 1: allow yourself to have this? How? This and that? And
Speaker 1: I'm like, it's kind of something that you have to
Speaker 1: just get there yourself, Like you have to go through
Speaker 1: it and find peace yourself. But if I could take
Speaker 1: away all of those hours and and pain and stepping
Speaker 1: on the scale for all the young women out there,
Speaker 1: if I could go back and shake myself when I
Speaker 1: was twenty five and be like, it doesn't matter nobody notices.
Speaker 1: That's the that's the crazy things. It's literally only the
Speaker 1: two things that I really try to always tell them
Speaker 1: is like number one, Literally nobody notices unless you gain
Speaker 1: a hundred pounds. Truly, it's just you. Secondly, because a
Speaker 1: lot of the questions that I get are like related
Speaker 1: to dating, do you think breaks my heart? I always
Speaker 1: get do you think I should wait to lose weight
Speaker 1: to start dating? And I'm like, no, but you should.
Speaker 1: You should love yourself and know your value before you
Speaker 1: start dating. It's nothing to do with weight. But it's
Speaker 1: like if you if your self worth is so tied
Speaker 1: to your weight, then you need to do some self
Speaker 1: work before you start asking someone else to love you
Speaker 1: because you're so much more than your weight. Your weight
Speaker 1: has literally nothing to do with your worth. I used
Speaker 1: to if I waited, if I went over one thirty,
Speaker 1: I wasn't allowed to leave the house. And if I waited,
Speaker 1: like if I had planned with my girlfriend's to grout
Speaker 1: on Friday night and I weighed myself and I weighed
Speaker 1: even one thirty one, I would cancel my plants and
Speaker 1: stay home. I acted like that for a good part
Speaker 1: of my twenties. Obsessed obsessed with the way that I
Speaker 1: looked like, oh this is oh yeah, I mean I
Speaker 1: can't believe I didn't have to go to like a
Speaker 1: hospital soon, sooner than I than when I started therapy,
Speaker 1: because I was obsessed with it. Just crazy what addicted
Speaker 1: to water pills, anything that would just keep my weight down,
Speaker 1: just constantly dehydrating myself. So the person who needs the
Speaker 1: water the most, it's the most scared of it. Yeah,
Speaker 1: Oh my god. I spent an hour crying to my
Speaker 1: therapist a couple of weeks ago about like what my
Speaker 1: nieces are going through, like just what you were saying, thanks,
Speaker 1: I'm like, why do they have to go through this?
Speaker 1: Why are they learning all this stuff at the same
Speaker 1: pace I learned it, Like it's two body positivity is here,
Speaker 1: yet it hasn't reached the masses. Yeah, And I just
Speaker 1: I don't know. And we're so extreme as humans because
Speaker 1: I sometimes worry that there's now this message which is
Speaker 1: like we're replacing one pressure with an equal but different
Speaker 1: pressure where it's like just eat whatever you want and
Speaker 1: you'll be fine, and like now you can't care about
Speaker 1: it at all, and it's like, no, you should just
Speaker 1: feel like yourself and you should. We're trying to get
Speaker 1: to a place where it's like you just you don't
Speaker 1: care about your physical appearance as much, Like that's the goal.
Speaker 1: Not I don't know. It's it's a scary place for
Speaker 1: for young people right now, for young women, and it's
Speaker 1: it saddens me that there's so much of our young
Speaker 1: life is spent attaching worth to the external things. Speaking
Speaker 1: of external things, I saw that you went on a
Speaker 1: date with Diplo through Tinder. I also give it on
Speaker 1: a date with him, but I wanted it to end
Speaker 1: up that way. When I met Diplow, I film something
Speaker 1: with him for one of my shows. I think, right, yeah,
Speaker 1: super fucking sexy, super hot and funny. He's so funny
Speaker 1: and that's a sense of humor. Yeah. For me, I'm like,
Speaker 1: I couldn't give a shit about looks, and I really
Speaker 1: really mean that. Like other girls are like, no, I
Speaker 1: don't care like and then they're dating some like six
Speaker 1: four hottie. I'm like, no, I've dated like, I do
Speaker 1: not care about looks at all. I don't care about
Speaker 1: height at all. But you better be goofy and you
Speaker 1: better have a sense of humor. That's the that's the
Speaker 1: hottest It's the hottest thing. Is it really really is? Anyway,
Speaker 1: diplow I wanted to funk. I was like, Okay, we
Speaker 1: were talking and then he was talking He's like, you know,
Speaker 1: I don't really do drugs, because he was talking about
Speaker 1: DJ and we were recording some song. He was trying
Speaker 1: to help me sing, and he's like, I don't really
Speaker 1: do drugs. And then he, like within thirty seconds, told
Speaker 1: me a story about the last the previous weekend where
Speaker 1: he had been in Vegas and done a bunch of molly.
Speaker 1: And I'm like, Diplo, you just said you don't do drugs.
Speaker 1: He goes, well, I did this weekend, and I was like, Okay,
Speaker 1: this conversation is starting to track. Yeah, he's a riot.
Speaker 1: He's so fun and um, life is cool. You know.
Speaker 1: So what's your story. You're single and I'm single and
Speaker 1: you had a public breakup. I was so awful. Yeah.
Speaker 1: I fell in love really, really hard and fast last
Speaker 1: year and it was great, and you know, I was
Speaker 1: so google gagas I like to say, I was like,
Speaker 1: you know, disgusting. I was like obsessed with him, and yeah,
Speaker 1: he cheated on me with one of my followers the night.
Speaker 1: By the way, speaking of like, you know, looking pretty.
Speaker 1: The next day, it was his birthday weekend and all
Speaker 1: of his friends were flying in to town for his birthday,
Speaker 1: and so I was like, you know, I want to
Speaker 1: look pretty for your party, to meet all your friends,
Speaker 1: going to stay home tonight, you go have a good
Speaker 1: first night at the club with your friends, and um, yeah,
Speaker 1: that's that's what was happened. But you know what, everything
Speaker 1: happens for a reason, and it's I'm I'm like very
Speaker 1: silver linings and I already feel like I wish him
Speaker 1: the best, and I hope he gets therapy. He's he
Speaker 1: really really needs to go to therapy and needs to
Speaker 1: kind of work through some things. But like, sometimes relationships
Speaker 1: are to remind you of the capacity of your heart,
Speaker 1: as cheesy as that sounds, but it were like I
Speaker 1: hadn't been in love in a couple of years, and
Speaker 1: to be in love again and to remember how much
Speaker 1: I love being obsessed with someone and caring about them,
Speaker 1: and like having the closeness of a relationship was great.
Speaker 1: So and oh my god, was that a good video
Speaker 1: I made? You know, Like I made a choice, Like
Speaker 1: I you know, I found out. My manager had to
Speaker 1: tell me, by the way, how did you tell you?
Speaker 1: He told me he did it publicly, and it's like,
Speaker 1: if you're going to cheat on someone, maybe don't cheat
Speaker 1: on a girl who every other girl in l A
Speaker 1: follows because it will get back to her in a
Speaker 1: fucking club. So like my army, my my trusted army,
Speaker 1: was like, my manager knew that I would never believe
Speaker 1: him if he didn't have screenshots. He got the screenshots.
Speaker 1: I went over to his house. He was like, can
Speaker 1: you come over. It was a Friday afternoon. I was like,
Speaker 1: I'm tired. Can we can we just do this on Monday?
Speaker 1: I got I gotta go out. I have a dinner tonight.
Speaker 1: He was like, no, no, no, please come to my house.
Speaker 1: I drive over and he's like, you told me not
Speaker 1: to tell you anything unless I had receipts, and I
Speaker 1: have receipts, so bad anyway. So then I was like devastated, crying,
Speaker 1: and I I was like, I'm just gonna record myself
Speaker 1: because this is very raw in the moment, and I'm
Speaker 1: going to see, you know what comes out. And then
Speaker 1: I thought, you know, so much shame is put on
Speaker 1: women with cheating and like it's so internalized for women
Speaker 1: if a guy cheats, it's like, oh, what was wrong
Speaker 1: with her? Nothing? Nothing, that guy couldn't keep his dick
Speaker 1: in his pants. Like it's very I want to change
Speaker 1: this narrative of like, oh, it's something that happened to you,
Speaker 1: like you know, on you because of you know, it's
Speaker 1: something that someone does, right, it's a betrayal of trust.
Speaker 1: And so I was like, look, if this can bring
Speaker 1: any one piece or help them think about it a
Speaker 1: new way. And I said to my followers, like, I'm
Speaker 1: not embarrassed that I trusted the person that I love.
Speaker 1: I'm not embarrassed that I fell in love. I'm not
Speaker 1: embarrassed that I was like you know, gushing about him
Speaker 1: and like obsessed with him and whatever. I am proud
Speaker 1: of that. And I got betrayed and that sucks, but
Speaker 1: ship happens, and I'll be okay. And if I can
Speaker 1: be an example to anybody going through it or in
Speaker 1: the future goes through it, then that can be a
Speaker 1: silver lining from this. So that's what I did. Yeah. Yeah,
Speaker 1: cheating is such a disappointment, so lame, especially at a club.
Speaker 1: It's like what's I was like, really like at a club. Well,
Speaker 1: I guess it wouldn't be good anywhere. It's not like
Speaker 1: you'd be like, oh, that's a good place for you
Speaker 1: to cheat at me, like you know, like you'd be
Speaker 1: excited if it was a different content. Yeah it was,
Speaker 1: but it was so clear cut. I was honestly like
Speaker 1: in the text, I was like it for you. I
Speaker 1: was like, you made it really easy, buddy. You go.
Speaker 1: How long were you dating him? Not that long, like
Speaker 1: only like five months, but it was like said I
Speaker 1: love you in three weeks. And it was the first
Speaker 1: guy who I'm not really like, I don't care that
Speaker 1: much about marriage and babies or I thought. And then
Speaker 1: he was the first guy where I was like I
Speaker 1: could see making a life with you. But again, and
Speaker 1: I'm coming off as toxically positive in this, but like
Speaker 1: when looking back, I was like, Okay, well maybe your
Speaker 1: role in my life was to show me that I
Speaker 1: do want that and that's really cool and that's exciting.
Speaker 1: And and again, like I wish him the best and
Speaker 1: I hope he gets a lot of expensive therapy because
Speaker 1: that's why he needs I don't. I feel like a
Speaker 1: lot of people just need to be reminded a about
Speaker 1: their capacity, you know, to love. And also like my
Speaker 1: my girlfriend Whistler, like, we found this guy for her
Speaker 1: and they kind of have been hanging out and nothing
Speaker 1: has really happened, and I was like, it doesn't matter
Speaker 1: if anything happens. This is a reminder that you can
Speaker 1: have a mad crush on someone because she's so into him.
Speaker 1: He's gorgeous, he's a great skier, blah blah blah, and
Speaker 1: she's all over it. She's like, oh my god, I
Speaker 1: love this feeling. I really don't even care if anything
Speaker 1: happens either. It reminds me that I remember this feeling
Speaker 1: and that I can have it again, which I think
Speaker 1: half of the reason people come into our lives is
Speaker 1: to remind us of our feelings, and half the people
Speaker 1: that come into our lives aren't there for permanent amounts
Speaker 1: of time. So it's like people are coming in and
Speaker 1: out for reasons, and you should just pay attention to
Speaker 1: what those reasons are and use those people instead of
Speaker 1: thinking that they used you. Use everyone you meet for
Speaker 1: an experience and for a different perspective. I totally agree,
Speaker 1: and I always tell the girls that my followers, I'm like,
Speaker 1: stop thinking about dating as like a zero sum game.
Speaker 1: Stop thinking about it as a means to an end,
Speaker 1: Like that's where we get into trouble. And that's where
Speaker 1: we get a little funcked in the head, is thinking
Speaker 1: like must date without getting hurt to find number one man,
Speaker 1: like meet forever. And it's like, what if we totally
Speaker 1: rebranded it, what if it was an era like teenagehood
Speaker 1: or going to college. And it's just supposed to be
Speaker 1: a time where you learn about yourself often you learn
Speaker 1: about what you like. And if you reframe it in
Speaker 1: your mind that way, it's a lot more fun. It's
Speaker 1: a lot less pressure, and the person who you're supposed
Speaker 1: to be with, and I believe that there's multiple people
Speaker 1: out there for all of us will drop in when
Speaker 1: you're ready. But like, stop thinking about it like a
Speaker 1: video game. It's just it's not like it's not like
Speaker 1: please just date, have fun. And like you said, look
Speaker 1: at every person like this is a funny experience, right, yeah,
Speaker 1: sometimes less funny than other, but who gives a ship?
Speaker 1: You know, a new experience is all is worthwhile regardless
Speaker 1: and even like you know, like I love that feeling
Speaker 1: about you know, the beginning when you have a crush
Speaker 1: I mean, who doesn't love that feeling. That's the best
Speaker 1: feeling out there is to have a crush on someone,
Speaker 1: To be looking at your phone seeing if they're texting you,
Speaker 1: knowing you're going to see them. That is so much fun.
Speaker 1: And even a relationship, yes, relationships get deeper and stuff,
Speaker 1: but like there's no more enjoyable time, like when with
Speaker 1: me and my boy friend, when we started, like when
Speaker 1: I started liking him, I was like, this is so fun. Bet,
Speaker 1: You're so in love, Like you are so in love,
Speaker 1: and it's like, oh my god, it is so fun
Speaker 1: to watch. It's nice. It's just like when you see
Speaker 1: And by the way, I think I'm an Instagram relationship psychic,
Speaker 1: and that's true. Anybody, all of my friends know you
Speaker 1: guys are so like sympatico and in love. It's insane
Speaker 1: and it's so nice to see. And that's the best, right,
Speaker 1: I think everyone you know. I feel like I very
Speaker 1: passionately that if this happened to me, because I was
Speaker 1: very much of the mind like, oh no, I'm single.
Speaker 1: I'm totally down, Like I like being single. I have
Speaker 1: my friends, I have my family, I have a life,
Speaker 1: Like I'm not I go I'm not going to get
Speaker 1: that this life. I got too many other things, Like
Speaker 1: that's how I really thought about it, Like, well, who
Speaker 1: am I to get that? On top of everything? So
Speaker 1: for me to get that makes me believe that every
Speaker 1: single person is going to get someone, you know what
Speaker 1: I mean if they are working towards he becoming the
Speaker 1: best version of yourself, which means actually having self awareness
Speaker 1: to go into therapy, understanding the impact you have on others,
Speaker 1: and making yourself like be really just like you know,
Speaker 1: on fire, like and you're firing on all cylinders in
Speaker 1: every way your career, your personal, your professional, your health,
Speaker 1: all of that, you know, like when you really work
Speaker 1: to get yourself healthy, the stuff that is supposed to
Speaker 1: come for you comes for you. One agree you have
Speaker 1: to do the work you I I do believe that.
Speaker 1: I believe you have to show up for yourself and
Speaker 1: advocate for yourself and and be improving yourself so that
Speaker 1: you know, water seeks its own level. I really believe
Speaker 1: that too. Yeah, And what is your situation now? So
Speaker 1: what do you do? Just date people? Like? How do
Speaker 1: you how do you date online? Like do you meet?
Speaker 1: Like if somebody hits you up on TikTok, will you
Speaker 1: go out with them? I mean most people meet on Instagram. Now, dating,
Speaker 1: I know, I I took a little bit of a
Speaker 1: break over the past couple of months, but I'm getting
Speaker 1: back into it. I went on a date on Sunday.
Speaker 1: It was awful. You know, it's difficult. I'm at this
Speaker 1: weird middle ground where I'm like, I have enough internet
Speaker 1: fame that it's like not totally easy for me anymore.
Speaker 1: But I'm not famous enough where I can just ask
Speaker 1: my agent to like set me up with Harry styles Like,
Speaker 1: I'm not quite at that point yet, So I'm in
Speaker 1: like l a purgatory, which is, you know, losers want
Speaker 1: to date me because I have a blue checkmark, but
Speaker 1: really famous people like don't know who I am yet.
Speaker 1: So I'm just sort of waiting through that and and
Speaker 1: kind of, like I said, he'll drop in when when
Speaker 1: I at least expected. I think when Harry and Olivia
Speaker 1: break up, you'll just wait for that to happen. Now,
Speaker 1: I don't know. I I'm getting back out there with dating.
Speaker 1: I don't mind dating. I don't mind I think I
Speaker 1: think it's fun and I believe it's a numbers game
Speaker 1: and you know, he's not just gonna come like knock
Speaker 1: on your door and be like here, I am your
Speaker 1: dream guy. But I'm also just like really in love
Speaker 1: with work right now, which I understand that sentence makes
Speaker 1: everyone want a gag, but I'm just I'm so happy,
Speaker 1: Like I found my passion when I was almost thirty,
Speaker 1: and i just feel like I'm so energized by my
Speaker 1: work right now that I'm just I'm obsessed. So what
Speaker 1: do you do all day? You filled yourself around on
Speaker 1: my phone all day long, and that's your job. It's
Speaker 1: my job now. Yeah, I just eat bond bonds and
Speaker 1: and open pr packages and it's a beautiful life that
Speaker 1: I'm creating for myself. And you have a new podcast
Speaker 1: coming out which is also an advice podcast everybody, So
Speaker 1: if you're not getting what you want from this podcast,
Speaker 1: you can move over to It's Me Tinks, which launches
Speaker 1: on February twenty one, which is a Monday. I'm so excited. Yeah,
Speaker 1: So it's a podcast. It's two podcasts a week and
Speaker 1: then one live radio show a week, which is just
Speaker 1: I'm so excited to be able to speak to my
Speaker 1: followers directly. And this is it's been my dream for
Speaker 1: so long, and I'm just I'm fucking amped. I'm really
Speaker 1: it's really cool. Good for you. Yeah, yeah, it's cool.
Speaker 1: Thank you. Okay, well, Catherine, I think it's time to
Speaker 1: get going to get I mean, we have to see. Yeah,
Speaker 1: what Tinks is really made of. That sounds great. We'll
Speaker 1: take a quick ad break and we'll be right back
Speaker 1: with some emails and calls. Perfect. Okay, Tinks and I
Speaker 1: are from the bathtub, but we just rinsed off and
Speaker 1: we're ready to give some advice. I love that you
Speaker 1: guys have a bathtub here. That's it's not it's a
Speaker 1: relational studio, but at least we have that. Have you
Speaker 1: ever taken a bath? To be honest here, I've never
Speaker 1: even taken a bath anywhere, So you're not a bath
Speaker 1: for no. No, I'm not a baby. I'm an adult
Speaker 1: and I like to get in and get the funk out.
Speaker 1: I think you're missing out on soaking in your own filth.
Speaker 1: It's actually I have when I when I ski and
Speaker 1: I really really have wrecked my body, then I will
Speaker 1: get into a bath like for for age reasons, like
Speaker 1: transition my body into a into a more like combatible
Speaker 1: way of being. But no, I love yeah, I know
Speaker 1: some people love him. I'm British steep down, so I
Speaker 1: I really yeah. I love a bath. I I fucking
Speaker 1: love a bath of any time. I don't care people
Speaker 1: are like, oh, it's gross in a hotel. I'm like,
Speaker 1: everything is dirty, everything shut up. Those same people will
Speaker 1: go in a hot tub at like you know, Hilton
Speaker 1: suits or whatever. So those are the people that are
Speaker 1: also ejaculating on the curtains. Okay, so I don't. I mean,
Speaker 1: first of all, it's understood that everything in a hotel
Speaker 1: room is dirty. And discussing that we all know what
Speaker 1: the deal is. So if you're going to submit to that,
Speaker 1: you may submit. You may as well submit. Yeah, at
Speaker 1: least made in your own filth. That's fine. So our
Speaker 1: first question comes from Ali. The subject line is chronically
Speaker 1: single and surrounded by couples. She says, Dear Chelsea, my
Speaker 1: last long term relationship was about three years ago now,
Speaker 1: and since then, I've been having a hard time dating
Speaker 1: in Los Angeles. I'm very ready for a committed relationship. However,
Speaker 1: I tend to feel exhausted dealing with failed situation ships
Speaker 1: and constantly putting myself out there. What makes things more
Speaker 1: difficult from my perspective is that nearly all of my
Speaker 1: close friends are in long term, committed relationships. I'm happy
Speaker 1: for them, but it can be difficult to again and
Speaker 1: again see people having what I very much want and
Speaker 1: haven't been able to find. I've considered taking a break
Speaker 1: from dating, but I have a hard time doing so
Speaker 1: given that it's something I really want and I know
Speaker 1: I'm ready for. What advice do you have for managing
Speaker 1: my feelings around dating and relationships? Warmly? Ali? Hi, Ali,
Speaker 1: this is a very common inquiry we received. You're a
Speaker 1: dear Chelsea Tanks. Do you want to start off and
Speaker 1: give her your thoughts off the top of your head? Sure,
Speaker 1: off the top of my head. I think that you
Speaker 1: need to get new friends. No, I'm just kidding, but
Speaker 1: it can help to find some single friends, because I
Speaker 1: get it. Like I don't want to to gaslight you.
Speaker 1: It can be very difficult if all your friends are
Speaker 1: in relationships and you're the only single one. That can
Speaker 1: be tiring and exhausting, especially if, like every weekend, it's
Speaker 1: just you're the fifth wheel, or you're going to their
Speaker 1: kid's birthday party and you're just like this is like
Speaker 1: I'm not here and it feels it feels weird, So
Speaker 1: I totally understand that. Secondly, you can't compare. Comparison is
Speaker 1: the thief of joy. So you're like, I'm happy for
Speaker 1: my friends, but you're still comparing, like ultimately deep down.
Speaker 1: So I'm just giving a little bit of tough love there.
Speaker 1: You can't compare yourself to where you think you should be,
Speaker 1: and you can't compare yourself to your friends. You just
Speaker 1: have to focus on where you are in your life.
Speaker 1: And you said you don't want to take a break,
Speaker 1: but I honestly think sometimes taking a break from dating
Speaker 1: can be very energizing. Here's what I'll say about that, though,
Speaker 1: Set a time limit, give yourself a month and really
Speaker 1: really take a break. Don't think about it, don't go
Speaker 1: in the apps, don't ask to be set up, and
Speaker 1: just really take a full month focus on yourself, work out,
Speaker 1: go on walks, hang with friends, get a new hobby,
Speaker 1: start a new show, whatever, and just take a full
Speaker 1: brain break from it. And when you come back, you're
Speaker 1: gonna feel more energized and more clear. Because it can
Speaker 1: it can become like an exhausting rat race. And if
Speaker 1: you're not excited to go on a date that will
Speaker 1: come through. So I think it's okay to take a
Speaker 1: break and just and come back swinging. Yeah. I think
Speaker 1: that's all good advice. I also think that, you know,
Speaker 1: we say this a lot on this podcast, not to
Speaker 1: compare yourself to other people, and I it's easier said
Speaker 1: than done. So a little trick that you can do is,
Speaker 1: you know, you're looking at your friends who are in healthy,
Speaker 1: happy relationships, and you're looking at that as something you
Speaker 1: don't have, But yet that is something you have. It's
Speaker 1: something you have in your life that is giving you
Speaker 1: a model of what you want. You're saying yourself, you
Speaker 1: have all these friends that are in these relationships. Instead
Speaker 1: of using that as a reminder of what you don't have,
Speaker 1: that's also a reminder of what you can have that's
Speaker 1: coming because it's already happening to your friends. They're all
Speaker 1: in relationships, so why would you be any different from them.
Speaker 1: No one's that special. You know that you get singled
Speaker 1: out of society and you're on end datable like, that's
Speaker 1: just not the way it is. So instead of looking
Speaker 1: at that with the negative lens, try and flip that
Speaker 1: into a positive lens, you know, like, oh, here, I
Speaker 1: see it. That's definitely how I felt. I saw all
Speaker 1: of my girlfriends in these great relationships, and I thought, oh,
Speaker 1: I'm never going to have a guy that's not gonna
Speaker 1: you something like that for me, that's not gonna go
Speaker 1: out of his way for me, check in on me
Speaker 1: at the end of the day, do all the little
Speaker 1: things that I find to be so adorable that men do.
Speaker 1: And guess what, I got one, So look at it,
Speaker 1: like just change that lens and that might be a
Speaker 1: helpful way to do that. And then again, yeah, take
Speaker 1: a break, refresh. That's sometimes all we need is just
Speaker 1: a little me time, you know, spoil yourself. Just get
Speaker 1: into like your own head and really think about what
Speaker 1: it is that you're looking for and write that down,
Speaker 1: because you know what. I did this with Sarah Silverman
Speaker 1: and my sister once I had to make up artist
Speaker 1: in New York City. I have one named Mia and
Speaker 1: she I came to New York and she came in
Speaker 1: one day and she's like, oh my god, you're never
Speaker 1: gonna believe I wrote and made that list you told
Speaker 1: me about. And I was like, what what list? And
Speaker 1: she's like the list where you listed everything that you
Speaker 1: want and a guy and I was like, I've never
Speaker 1: made that list. I told you to do that. She's
Speaker 1: like yes, And I found him and he checks every box.
Speaker 1: So I was like, oh. And so I was with
Speaker 1: Sarah Silverman and we did the same thing, and we
Speaker 1: all we both wrote a list, and then Sarah hooked
Speaker 1: up with her boyfriend not like six months before Joe
Speaker 1: and I hooked up. And then Joe and I hooked
Speaker 1: up and I read everything on my list and the
Speaker 1: only thing that didn't match on my list was I said,
Speaker 1: please give me somebody with a nice head of hair.
Speaker 1: And it was the only shallow it was the only
Speaker 1: physical I just I said, I'll take any color, creed,
Speaker 1: doesn't matter where they're from, whatever I said, but I
Speaker 1: want a nice head of hair. And it was the
Speaker 1: only thing that I wrote that. I was like, just
Speaker 1: should you write that? And guess what? I got a
Speaker 1: bald motherfucker. So because true focus on the values and
Speaker 1: the qualities, don't be nervous to write anything like that.
Speaker 1: You can write shallow stuff. You can say you want
Speaker 1: them to make a certain amount of money or whatever
Speaker 1: you like. You know, but so that you're you're familiar,
Speaker 1: so that when you do somebody does come into your
Speaker 1: life like that you can recognize, Oh wait, this matches
Speaker 1: my list. Be specific. It's so funny that you say that,
Speaker 1: because when I was in high school, I read this
Speaker 1: book and she literally said that, like, list out every
Speaker 1: single thing you want in a partner. I'm like teen
Speaker 1: or whatever, writing down like whatever, bullshot a fifteen year
Speaker 1: old wants and a man or a partner. And like, literally,
Speaker 1: my husband checks every single box, every single one, like
Speaker 1: dark hair, light eyes, treats me this way. He's a musician,
Speaker 1: all these things. It's like if I remember she said,
Speaker 1: if you aim at nothing, you'll hit it, Like, well,
Speaker 1: I don't think she probably made that up, but like yeah,
Speaker 1: get real, real specifica. I don't know why you put
Speaker 1: a nice hair, dark hair and got it and I didn't.
Speaker 1: That's the difference there. I literally said to him today,
Speaker 1: I'm like, I'm so glad you still have your hair,
Speaker 1: Like who knows how long it will last, but for now,
Speaker 1: I'm very grateful, very grateful. Well, now, while only date
Speaker 1: bald men, moving forward, it's worked well so far. Well.
Speaker 1: Our first call today comes from Alexa Alexa so calling
Speaker 1: in now right. I mean, you thought you could just
Speaker 1: talk to her, but she she talks back. Subject line
Speaker 1: is divorced parents dating each other again. Dear Chelsea. My
Speaker 1: parents decided to end their marriage of forty three years
Speaker 1: during the pandemic because they realized they were no longer
Speaker 1: happy with one another. After their divorce, I finally saw
Speaker 1: happiness and my mom for the first time in a
Speaker 1: long time. A few years back, I caught my dad
Speaker 1: having an affair, but was forced to keep it a
Speaker 1: secret from my mom because my dad told me it
Speaker 1: would ruin our family and there was a lot of
Speaker 1: gaslighting going on when I talked to her in our
Speaker 1: pre interview. Once the divorce had taken place and things
Speaker 1: calmed down, my sister and I told my mom what
Speaker 1: we knew about my dad and it brought us all
Speaker 1: closer than ever before. Fast forward a few months, my
Speaker 1: parents have found their way back into each other's lives
Speaker 1: and it's very uncomfortable, to say the least. My mom
Speaker 1: and sister keep telling me I need to get over
Speaker 1: everything my dad has put us through since they've gotten
Speaker 1: over it. Any advice would be greatly appreciated. With love
Speaker 1: and gratitude, Alexa, and she's here on the phone with
Speaker 1: us as well. Hi, Alexa, this is Tangs Hi. Nice
Speaker 1: to meet you. Nice to meet you. So wow, that's
Speaker 1: quite a quite a history with your parents. I hate
Speaker 1: that you had to hide that from your mother per
Speaker 1: your father. What a lame thing for him to do, huh,
Speaker 1: super lame like gas lighting and just like making me
Speaker 1: feel as though I was in the wrong for his mistakes.
Speaker 1: And so they that happened before COVID. Then during COVID
Speaker 1: they ended up getting divorced, so they didn't get divorced
Speaker 1: because of that. They did not get divorced because of it. Um,
Speaker 1: I hadn't disclosed that information to my mom. After they
Speaker 1: did get divorced, I like finally saw joy and her
Speaker 1: face and like some sort of freedom when they finally
Speaker 1: did end up getting divorced. And then my dad started
Speaker 1: dating someone and it like wrecked my mom to see
Speaker 1: him with another woman and happy. So then my sister
Speaker 1: and I were like, effort, We're gonna tell her, like
Speaker 1: she needs to move on and see that he hasn't
Speaker 1: always been this prince charming. Um. So he did tell
Speaker 1: her and she was very much so like I'm so
Speaker 1: sorry that you have to go through this, Like I
Speaker 1: wish that you didn't have to keep it a secret. Um.
Speaker 1: She knew that I was in therapy for for many years,
Speaker 1: and then her and my dad started dating again a
Speaker 1: few months ago, and her and my sister are telling
Speaker 1: me that I should be over it by now that
Speaker 1: I've already done the therapy. What's taking so long? I
Speaker 1: need to move on and forgive and forget. But I've
Speaker 1: had a very difficult time doing so. Yeah, I bet,
Speaker 1: I bet I would too. But really, how does your
Speaker 1: mom seem now dating your dad? She seems happy. I mean,
Speaker 1: I know that she still has some trust issues where
Speaker 1: if her friends invite her to go out on the weekends,
Speaker 1: she feels obligated to choose him in fear of him
Speaker 1: like getting bored and maybe hanging out with another woman.
Speaker 1: So are they are they exclusively dating? Do you know
Speaker 1: anything about Like have they said, oh, we're just seeing
Speaker 1: each other exclusively or is there an arrangement or because
Speaker 1: I mean I can understand why she has trust issues. Yeah, absolutely,
Speaker 1: so they are seeing each other exclusively from what I've
Speaker 1: been told by my mom. But they both have their
Speaker 1: own place and like they'll kind of do a weekend together,
Speaker 1: like where he'll sleep over for the weekend, then Sunday
Speaker 1: back to their normal lives. And what's your sister's story.
Speaker 1: She didn't catch your dad cheating, but she knows because
Speaker 1: of you, right, he knows because of me. And her
Speaker 1: and I are extremely close, and I felt like she
Speaker 1: was the only one that I could turn to at
Speaker 1: that time, so we were very supportive of one another.
Speaker 1: And her and my mom were very close because my
Speaker 1: mom helps out with her children a lot. So once
Speaker 1: my mom was okay with everything, they kind of were
Speaker 1: buddy buddies, saying like, Okay, now it's time for you
Speaker 1: to get over it. And I would like to because
Speaker 1: I love my dad and I love my family, but
Speaker 1: I've had a very hard time doing so. And I
Speaker 1: feel as though, like, because of this situation, I've had
Speaker 1: a hard time with men in general. I know you
Speaker 1: can relate to that definitely. Yeah, absolutely. I find men
Speaker 1: to be completely untrustworthy. You know, they have to like, yeah,
Speaker 1: they have to prove themselves to be trustworthy before I
Speaker 1: trust them. It doesn't they're like, oh, just trust until
Speaker 1: they do something untrustworthy. It's like, no, I mistrust men
Speaker 1: now because there's just been too much there's too much
Speaker 1: data to back my theory up, which is not a theory. Okay,
Speaker 1: so well, first and foremost, you know that you can't
Speaker 1: control your mother and like or your father or what
Speaker 1: they're gonna do. So you have to become accepting in
Speaker 1: a way of this period of time because you don't
Speaker 1: know where it's gonna go, and you don't know if
Speaker 1: he's just going to do something to upset her again
Speaker 1: or if he learned his lesson the last time. You know,
Speaker 1: and and even if he hasn't, this is your mother's
Speaker 1: mistake to make again. She hasn't learned her lesson. You
Speaker 1: know her lesson isn't done being taught to her, and
Speaker 1: that you can't enforce that on your mother. All you
Speaker 1: can do is be loving and supporting. You don't have
Speaker 1: to go on dates with them. You don't have to
Speaker 1: like orchestrate things. You can say, I'm not that interested
Speaker 1: in this dynamic and I don't want to be around
Speaker 1: it unless it becomes more serious, and you guys decide
Speaker 1: to get back together because I've been through a lot
Speaker 1: with your relationship, which is totally reasonable. But you can't
Speaker 1: you know, they do have a point. You do have
Speaker 1: to get past it. You can't live someone else's life
Speaker 1: for them. It's just impossible. And I would have the
Speaker 1: same feelings you do. I would totally be like, what
Speaker 1: the funk are you doing? But you have to treat
Speaker 1: your mother like she's your daughter, like you just have
Speaker 1: to support her and love her and just be there
Speaker 1: for her and know that whatever is meant to happen
Speaker 1: will happen, and that you worrying about it will affect
Speaker 1: the outcome. Zero. That's the that's the thing. It's just
Speaker 1: a waste of your energy and a waste of your
Speaker 1: mind share. So every time you catch yourself thinking well,
Speaker 1: what if or what's going to happen, that's just literally
Speaker 1: taking up your precious brain space. So just create a
Speaker 1: new neural pathway and say not my monkey, not my circus.
Speaker 1: And that's tough with families because it's like, you know,
Speaker 1: in a way, it's like the close as people to you,
Speaker 1: But at the end of the day, you never understand
Speaker 1: the dynamic of other people's relationships, even when it's your family,
Speaker 1: even when it's your parents, and you have to just say,
Speaker 1: you know, it's not it's not my job to worry
Speaker 1: about them or or warn my mom or police them.
Speaker 1: It's just it's just not Yeah, that is really good advice.
Speaker 1: I think that what was so hard is seeing how
Speaker 1: broken she was when she did um see that he
Speaker 1: was happy with someone else. And I am so fearful
Speaker 1: of him doing that again to her, and like you said,
Speaker 1: being having to be her mom for that situation, which
Speaker 1: of course I will. I think it's just been more
Speaker 1: so like a fear of mine, But it definitely is
Speaker 1: something that I would love to move past. Yeah, and
Speaker 1: you can also look at it just because he did
Speaker 1: that and you caught him cheating. Was it multiple times
Speaker 1: or was it once? There were a lot of shady
Speaker 1: events and behaviors, but the time that I found the
Speaker 1: text messages was just once. Uh huh. So you were
Speaker 1: looking through his stuff. No, I was actually taking an
Speaker 1: exam in his office on his computer, and I, like,
Speaker 1: you know how on MacBooks, the messages pop up up. Yeah,
Speaker 1: in the middle of like an exam that I had
Speaker 1: been preparing for for weeks, like my heart belongs to
Speaker 1: you baby, like heart emojis, and I just got sick
Speaker 1: to my stomach. I failed the exam. Oh god, no
Speaker 1: wonder as well. That's like a traumatic way to find out,
Speaker 1: and it's it's like encroaching on your life and in
Speaker 1: your you know, business, And I understand why you're so
Speaker 1: upset by it. Yeah, you think you're sitting there taking
Speaker 1: an exam and you're on it your in two our
Speaker 1: lifetime movie, Like how that is really disappointing your father
Speaker 1: is that's embarrassing and you have every right to be
Speaker 1: pissed at him for that event. But listen, he's going
Speaker 1: to show his true colors at some point, you know,
Speaker 1: and if they're if his colors have changed and he's
Speaker 1: not going to be like that, he'll show that too.
Speaker 1: But like you're being fearful again, is not fueling anything
Speaker 1: but your own miss givings. Like it's just making your
Speaker 1: situation uncomfortable. And so there's a more laws, A fair
Speaker 1: attitude you can have about the whole thing. Doesn't mean
Speaker 1: that you're gonna be involved in it. It just means like, yeah,
Speaker 1: go for it, you guys, do whatever you're gonna do.
Speaker 1: I'm doing my thing. I love both of you and
Speaker 1: good luck, you know what I mean, And just let
Speaker 1: it go. And even if it's like a meditation. You
Speaker 1: have to say to yourself every morning, I'm gonna let
Speaker 1: this go. I'm gonna let this go. Just keep repeating
Speaker 1: that to yourself like a little mantra until you get
Speaker 1: over the hump that you're on, and then you will
Speaker 1: get to the other side of it, and you'll notice
Speaker 1: that you care a lot less because you're fearful of
Speaker 1: your mom's feelings being hurt and her heart being broken again,
Speaker 1: which are completely valid things to be fearful of, but
Speaker 1: they're not serving you or her. Yeah, that's that's definitely
Speaker 1: great advice because I've been in therapy for it for
Speaker 1: quite some time and I've done like the activities where
Speaker 1: it's like write a letter to your dad and read
Speaker 1: it to your therapist and then I leave and I'm like,
Speaker 1: I'm more angry than I was going into it. I
Speaker 1: like to write a letter exercise, I'm like, I can
Speaker 1: never get through the letter because I'm so fucking piste
Speaker 1: off my heart. Yeah, and then we spell check if
Speaker 1: you type your letter into your phone. I'm like, oh
Speaker 1: my god, are you kidding. I don't understand why spell
Speaker 1: check doesn't correct spelling it. Every time I write thank you,
Speaker 1: it changes it to you, owe you it's getting worse.
Speaker 1: Why would that be the correction? Terrible Anyway, I think
Speaker 1: you'll be fine and you'll find out soon enough what's
Speaker 1: going to happen, and then you can you know, react
Speaker 1: to that. Yeah, definitely all right and again then yeah, yeah,
Speaker 1: keep us posted though, let us know what happens with
Speaker 1: your parents. I absolutely will. Thank you both so much. Yeah,
Speaker 1: thank you, by Alexa, have a good day, he too.
Speaker 1: This reminds me though, when my parents were growing up.
Speaker 1: I fucking hated my father for a long time. He
Speaker 1: was an asshole and I was a bit and I
Speaker 1: remember trying to convince my mother to leave him so
Speaker 1: that she and I could go live alone somewhere. And
Speaker 1: I was like, you know, he's probably having multiple affairs.
Speaker 1: And my mom's like what and I said, and I
Speaker 1: was like, well, I mean just think about it. He's
Speaker 1: gone all the time, he's always going outside to take
Speaker 1: phone calls. I was like, everything shady with him. I
Speaker 1: didn't know if my father was having affairs. I just
Speaker 1: assumed and I was trying to get to my mother
Speaker 1: against him, and my mom was just like I remember
Speaker 1: her going to my sister's going Chelsea says dad is
Speaker 1: having affairs. Do you think that's true. My sister's like,
Speaker 1: you are such a cunt, Like, why are you trying
Speaker 1: to blow up this family. I'm like, I just want
Speaker 1: us to get our own place without dad there um,
Speaker 1: but I'm glad that I never had to deal with
Speaker 1: that in the flesh. Parents and protecting your mother from
Speaker 1: her feelings, it's just like an impossible tiresome it's not. Yeah,
Speaker 1: it's a thankless job. And it's like you gotta at
Speaker 1: some point just cut it and say it's it's not
Speaker 1: my life. It's not. It's like it feels like your
Speaker 1: family is your entire life. But when you're grown up,
Speaker 1: you're grown up. You gotta let them sort their own
Speaker 1: ship out. Yeah, even if your dad is an even
Speaker 1: if your dad is a fun boy la. Our next
Speaker 1: call comes from Nicole. Subject line is fiance's very close friend.
Speaker 1: Dear Chelsea, I'm in a dilemma. A year ago, my
Speaker 1: fiance started spending more time at work and texting with
Speaker 1: his female coworker. He said they were just friends, but
Speaker 1: then he went out with her for dinner and drinks
Speaker 1: and had her over at our apartment while I was
Speaker 1: hundreds of miles away visiting family. Nothing happened, but I
Speaker 1: told him this friendship makes me uncomfortable, especially since they
Speaker 1: came over to our apartment and now he talks about
Speaker 1: her all the time and they're buying each other gifts.
Speaker 1: I love him, but he refuses to cut off contact.
Speaker 1: And I'm not saying he should. But now he and
Speaker 1: this female coworker joke that I hate her. I'm so frustrated.
Speaker 1: Am I overreacting? What should I do? Is it time
Speaker 1: to walk away? Help? Nicole? Oh? This is a good one, hin, Nicole? Hi, Hi, Hi, Hi, good,
Speaker 1: This is Tanks. Hi. Nice to meet you, So nice
Speaker 1: to meet you. Uh so, Oh my god, that's annoying.
Speaker 1: That sounds like an annoying situation. How close are they?
Speaker 1: I would say they're pretty close. I mean they work together,
Speaker 1: and even just this last Friday, they you know, spent
Speaker 1: the day going out to eat, going to see like attractions,
Speaker 1: and really just hanging out and spending the whole day
Speaker 1: even though I was at home. That sounds like a date. Honestly,
Speaker 1: spending the whole day together and going out to eat
Speaker 1: and seeing attractions to me, sounds like a date. That's
Speaker 1: I just don't think that that's respectful to you at all.
Speaker 1: What's his excuse, like when you say, why are you
Speaker 1: so close to her? When you talk about it? Well, like,
Speaker 1: what does he say is it? Does he have any
Speaker 1: language to explain why he's doing this or what's the
Speaker 1: what's the conversation between you and him like about her? Yeah?
Speaker 1: Of course, really it's that they're just got really really
Speaker 1: close at work, and that she's somebody he can lean on,
Speaker 1: and that she's just a really, really really good friend.
Speaker 1: But as I said before, I think there's a little
Speaker 1: bit of disrespect that I'm feeling at least. Yeah, I'm
Speaker 1: assuming she's not in a relationship. Do you know she's single?
Speaker 1: And when you've asked him about his feelings for her,
Speaker 1: have you delved into that, like in a deeper way,
Speaker 1: like do you feel attracted to her? Yeah? So when
Speaker 1: they first started hanging out, he actually kind of admitted that,
Speaker 1: you know, he was trying to figure out his feelings
Speaker 1: for her. But then he pretty much was like, no, no,
Speaker 1: she's just a good friend. She's just a good friend.
Speaker 1: But I think what also hurts me is the language
Speaker 1: she uses sometimes for all of his friends. He's like
Speaker 1: I love them, but when he says I love her,
Speaker 1: it just really hurts me in a way that it's
Speaker 1: really really hard, especially when you love somebody, you know,
Speaker 1: it's like we're engaged. It's really tough, and I don't
Speaker 1: want to tell them who to hang out with. But
Speaker 1: I also I feel like there's some boundaries that I
Speaker 1: think have been crossed that I are really hard for
Speaker 1: me to get over. How frequently do they hang out?
Speaker 1: I mean, obviously they see each other every day at work,
Speaker 1: but you know they're going out at least once a month.
Speaker 1: They're buying each other gifts. He's bought her massages. So
Speaker 1: there's just a weird dynamics. Yeah, no, that is weird.
Speaker 1: All of it is weird. And yeah, you your boundaries
Speaker 1: have been crossed, absolutely, And when do you have you
Speaker 1: ever hung out with both of them together? Yeah? He
Speaker 1: kind of like forced me to be like, Hey, you're
Speaker 1: gonna meet her, You're gonna love her, and like you're
Speaker 1: gonna want to be best friends with her. But I mean,
Speaker 1: she's awesome, and I'm all about empowering other women, but
Speaker 1: you know, there's just a line that I feel like
Speaker 1: has been cross that I'm not comfortable with. Yeah, I
Speaker 1: think that's valid, Tanks. I like that you brought up
Speaker 1: that it's like a lack of respect situation, because at first, blush,
Speaker 1: I think this is this email, this question can seem
Speaker 1: like is he cheating or isn't he? But I think
Speaker 1: there's more nuance going on here. And what do you
Speaker 1: guys think about Like the fact that they're kind of
Speaker 1: joking around about, oh you hate her, blah blah blah.
Speaker 1: To me, that almost makes me feel like there are
Speaker 1: there's less romantic attraction if they're so open about it.
Speaker 1: I don't really know. I just know that that's like
Speaker 1: a really uncomfortable dynamic. And as his fiance, I think
Speaker 1: that he's supposed to be your number one cheerleader, the
Speaker 1: person who makes you feel safe and comfortable at all times.
Speaker 1: And the fact that they're kind of have a joke
Speaker 1: about you is like really kind of nasty to me
Speaker 1: and kind of just like it's leaving you out right,
Speaker 1: like it's it's them two against you, whereas he should
Speaker 1: always be you're his number one. You're about to enter
Speaker 1: into a legal union with this person, so he shouldn't
Speaker 1: really be joking around like, oh yeah, she hates you,
Speaker 1: and also what you said when when she went to
Speaker 1: your house when you were away and you said nothing happened, Like,
Speaker 1: to me, the fact that you're being forced to have
Speaker 1: the conversation of did anything happen with your fiance is
Speaker 1: so utterly disrespectful to you, Like, I just don't think
Speaker 1: that that's a conversation you want to be having with
Speaker 1: someone who you're about to marry. I don't think that's
Speaker 1: fair to you. And I really think that the line
Speaker 1: has been crossed, Like there's no question this boundary has
Speaker 1: been totally blown. When's the wedding? We actually don't have
Speaker 1: a date yet. You know, we got engaged in December
Speaker 1: and then this whole thing popped up around March, a
Speaker 1: couple of months later, so I really hadn't had the
Speaker 1: time to really think about that yet. So this is
Speaker 1: kind of put some things on pause for me. And
Speaker 1: I'm like, I'd rather figure out what's going on before
Speaker 1: I get into a commitment. That to me, I feel
Speaker 1: like it's almost not about it's not like her and
Speaker 1: it's not like is he cheating? But it's like what
Speaker 1: in him is allowing him to do this behavior? Or
Speaker 1: what you know, what is this a deeper symptom of
Speaker 1: it's I don't necessarily think he's cheating, but it's like,
Speaker 1: I don't know that's it's something else. It kind of
Speaker 1: feels like that. And I have always felt like, oh,
Speaker 1: this isn't really a thing that exists. But people talk
Speaker 1: about having like an emotional affair. What do you guys
Speaker 1: think about that? Do you think they're real? Do you
Speaker 1: think that's what this is? Well? I think that's valid.
Speaker 1: I mean, people do have emotional affairs. But I also
Speaker 1: think like if he was he admittedly admittingly was struggling
Speaker 1: with his feelings for her when he met her, that
Speaker 1: in and of itself should be the beginning, middle, and
Speaker 1: the end of that. Like, okay, so when when he
Speaker 1: discovered that he wasn't attracted her or that he didn't
Speaker 1: have those feelings for her, then why continue to escalate
Speaker 1: the relationship? You know? Like that all is very fuzzy
Speaker 1: and there's just too many things there that point to
Speaker 1: him a disrespecting you because I would never do that.
Speaker 1: I would never hang out with somebody that my boyfriend
Speaker 1: didn't know on the regular, especially when he asked me
Speaker 1: not to. I would never like disrespect him like that.
Speaker 1: So and I'm pretty of my own mind, but I
Speaker 1: understand that completely, and you have every reason to go
Speaker 1: like listen, I were engaged. So you and I need
Speaker 1: to have to sit down and I need to have
Speaker 1: a really clear understanding of what's going on with you
Speaker 1: and this relationship with her, because clearly you are drawn
Speaker 1: to her and getting her things from her that you're
Speaker 1: not getting from me, and in turn, you're disrespecting me.
Speaker 1: So you can see it my way or not, but
Speaker 1: this is how I feel, and my feelings are valid,
Speaker 1: and until I understand like why this relationship is even necessary,
Speaker 1: I'm sorry if it causes me this much discomfort. It's
Speaker 1: something that you need to consider not having in your life.
Speaker 1: I don't think there's anything wrong with that. It's not
Speaker 1: about empowering other women. It's about not dis empowering yourself.
Speaker 1: M Yeah, agreed. I can't thank you guys enough. This
Speaker 1: has really been eye opening for me, and I'm just
Speaker 1: to get some perspective from someone else who's out there.
Speaker 1: And when you talk to him, like you know, just
Speaker 1: it doesn't have to be heated. Obviously it may get
Speaker 1: that way, but just be like, listen, out of respect
Speaker 1: for our relationship. I need to understand why you are not.
Speaker 1: You told me you had feelings for this girl that
Speaker 1: you were trying to figure out. If you had feelings
Speaker 1: for this girl, then you don't, but you continue to
Speaker 1: hang out with her and you talk about her and
Speaker 1: now you love her. You have to understand that's not
Speaker 1: comfortable for me. So unless you can really map this
Speaker 1: out for me, like I need you know, we need
Speaker 1: to think about our future. You want to be engaged.
Speaker 1: This is our engagement. Yeah. Yeah, and if you can't
Speaker 1: get it figured out just the two of you without
Speaker 1: it like turning into a blow up or him feeling like,
Speaker 1: well I'm not allowed or any of those things, like
Speaker 1: go have a couple of sessions with a therapist, like
Speaker 1: just go talk to somebody. M Yeah, we're looking into that,
Speaker 1: so we'll see if that it comes to it. Yeah,
Speaker 1: that's always a good avenue to explore anyway. Yeah, it's
Speaker 1: good to have a third party to just kind of
Speaker 1: help you work through things for sure, and keep in
Speaker 1: touch Nicole, let us know how it works out. Okay.
Speaker 1: I will thank you guys so much for your help today.
Speaker 1: Oh yeah, no problem, thanks to call. Yeah, that's not right.
Speaker 1: That sounds off, That's okay. Our next question comes from
Speaker 1: jess She says, I'm Jessica. I'm a thirty three year
Speaker 1: old woman who's raising an incredible four year old daughter.
Speaker 1: I made the challenging decision to divorce her father at
Speaker 1: the beginning of this year. The marriage included a few
Speaker 1: types of non physical abuse, and my decision to leave
Speaker 1: was strongly influenced by the love I have for my daughter.
Speaker 1: I want her to see me as an example of
Speaker 1: a woman who does not wait for permission to find
Speaker 1: wholeness and personal fulfillment, but instead steps up and makes
Speaker 1: it happen in her own life. I work full time
Speaker 1: as a nurse. Post divorce, I've spent some time in
Speaker 1: therapy and really focused on introspection. I'm reaching a space
Speaker 1: where I want to consider dating, and I'm working through
Speaker 1: how I want that to look in my life. I
Speaker 1: have not dated or attempted to date in the time
Speaker 1: post divorce. I've gained weight and feel a bit uncomfortable
Speaker 1: in my own skin. I'm working on eating healthy and
Speaker 1: balancing space for exercise. There are times when I feel
Speaker 1: like I shouldn't date until my body looks and feels
Speaker 1: the way I think it should. There's a bit of
Speaker 1: unworthiness and lack of self esteem mixed in. My question
Speaker 1: for you is this, how do I overcome my feeling
Speaker 1: of unworthiness to date while at a larger size? Thanks
Speaker 1: Chelsea Jess. Well, we were just discussing this. Literally, I
Speaker 1: was like, I have to pull this email up. Yeah. Yeah,
Speaker 1: clearly we've said this before and I'm sure we'll say
Speaker 1: it again, But like, I get it. I understand. I
Speaker 1: just told stories about how obsessive I was with my weight.
Speaker 1: I'm in a different place right now and now mentally
Speaker 1: about weight, and I understand that what you think you
Speaker 1: see a the world doesn't see. Yes, you probably gained weight, Okay,
Speaker 1: I mean you can measure that on a scale, but
Speaker 1: that doesn't preclude you from your value and from your
Speaker 1: There are a million things to fall in love with
Speaker 1: in a person you know, and anyone who's focused solely
Speaker 1: on the weight a you don't want to be with anyway.
Speaker 1: So that's there you go. If somebody said, oh, if
Speaker 1: you gained twenty pounds, I wouldn't be with you, then
Speaker 1: you would never go on a date with them to
Speaker 1: begin with. So don't worry about it. And one of
Speaker 1: my friends is dating this guy and he's really really
Speaker 1: good looking, and she doesn't think she's good looking enough
Speaker 1: for him. And she's like, well, he's friends with this
Speaker 1: girl and this girl, and this girl's like a supermodel,
Speaker 1: and this girl's like a supermodel. Like I said to
Speaker 1: my friend, I'm like, there are a million things to
Speaker 1: fall in love with about you. I fell in love
Speaker 1: with you all my my whole family is in love
Speaker 1: with you. My friends are in love with you, Like
Speaker 1: I fell in love with you, and it wasn't about
Speaker 1: your looks. Like I didn't fall in love with you
Speaker 1: because of your looks. So remember that, like, we don't
Speaker 1: all represent the same things and the same values, Like
Speaker 1: looks is not a value even that is like a
Speaker 1: fleeting thing that you know people work hard to present like.
Speaker 1: This is a great time for you to be dating
Speaker 1: and meet someone when you don't feel like you're at
Speaker 1: your best. This is a great experiment and opportunity for
Speaker 1: you to push through those feelings and present yourself and
Speaker 1: find somebody who really loves you for who you are
Speaker 1: instead of what you think you know provides value to you,
Speaker 1: right and myself being a fuller figured woman I've always
Speaker 1: been fuller figured, I've always been curvy, I've always had
Speaker 1: huge boobs, and like, let me just say, not every
Speaker 1: guy is looking for a skinny girl. They're just not.
Speaker 1: Not every guy is going to be like, oh my god,
Speaker 1: you gained ten pounds. This is unacceptable, like tink set earlier,
Speaker 1: like you are the only person who's noticing that everybody
Speaker 1: else is noticing. When I'm pmss ng, I just posted
Speaker 1: something about this recently. When I'm pmss ng, I feel
Speaker 1: my grossest, you know, because you just feel bloated. You're
Speaker 1: like you have gas, You're like period farts. It's disgusting,
Speaker 1: and you're just like, and my boobs are getting so big.
Speaker 1: I just look like one big hitted monster right before
Speaker 1: I get my period. And Joe loves it. He's like,
Speaker 1: this is the hottest you ever are this time during
Speaker 1: the month. He's like, I just love when your stomach
Speaker 1: sticks out a little and you're bloated. I'm like, fuck you,
Speaker 1: I hate you know, I hate that feeling, But like
Speaker 1: he loves that, Like, how great is that You're gonna
Speaker 1: find somebody who loves you for who you are? Yeah,
Speaker 1: and no one has ever fallen in love based on
Speaker 1: looks alone, like at all, that's that's the thing, Like,
Speaker 1: no one is ever going to be like, oh I
Speaker 1: fell in love with her because she's perfectly perfect looking,
Speaker 1: Like that's not real. And and like Chelsea said, if
Speaker 1: someone is only dating for your looks, you would never
Speaker 1: want to be with them anyway, Like there is so
Speaker 1: much more to you than your than your looks. Like
Speaker 1: I I always say to my followers, my body is
Speaker 1: the least interesting thing about me, and I like it
Speaker 1: that way. I really couldn't care. Like you are a
Speaker 1: meat covered skeleton on a rock that is hurtling through space.
Speaker 1: Never forget that, like it truly, it's the It's the
Speaker 1: last thing that you should worry about, and honestly, don't
Speaker 1: worry about. Oh are they going to think this about me?
Speaker 1: Are they going to think that about me? What about?
Speaker 1: Do you like them? Why don't? Why don't you go
Speaker 1: into it thinking what am I looking for? I want
Speaker 1: someone who's kind, I want someone who's works really are
Speaker 1: Like that should be your lens going into dating, not like,
Speaker 1: oh my god, I gained a couple of pounds, like
Speaker 1: that's just shift your mindset and focus on the attributes
Speaker 1: that you want to find in a person and then
Speaker 1: and then that will come back to you. I really
Speaker 1: do believe that we uh, we receive the energy that
Speaker 1: we give out. Yeah, and it's easy to create new habits,
Speaker 1: new neural pathways, new habits. It's so much easier than
Speaker 1: people think. You just have to take that step, start
Speaker 1: doing it. And it might not click right away, you know,
Speaker 1: reframing things. It might not click, but it will click
Speaker 1: if you are consistent and you practice it, it will
Speaker 1: come together. Yeah. Yeah. And also, never ever put any
Speaker 1: part of your life on hold to be at a
Speaker 1: st or for anything. You can never say oh, i'll
Speaker 1: do this when or I'll be happy when Like that's
Speaker 1: not that's a moving target, and you cannot You can't
Speaker 1: put your life on hold. I completely agree with that.
Speaker 1: That's not how it works. Yeah. Yeah, Well let's head
Speaker 1: to a quick break and we'll come back with more
Speaker 1: tinks than Okay, right, and we're back from break? Are
Speaker 1: we back from break? Okay, we're back. Tanks were back.
Speaker 1: We're back. Sorry, Tanks was underneath the table again. She
Speaker 1: keeps going under there. I don't know what you think
Speaker 1: is under there. It's just got racy a lot of
Speaker 1: sexual innuenda is flying around tanks. Did you have a
Speaker 1: question or a piece of advice you'd like to ask
Speaker 1: Chelsea for? Oh, I hope you do. I do. We've
Speaker 1: we've touched on it a little bit, but I want
Speaker 1: your advice on My followers love to know about my
Speaker 1: personal life and my dating life, and I love to
Speaker 1: talk about it. I do. But how have you found
Speaker 1: the right balance over the years of telling telling about
Speaker 1: your dating life and your personal life? And what are
Speaker 1: your tips for that? And and is it evolving or
Speaker 1: do you have any hard lines where you're like, I'm
Speaker 1: not going to share this or I'm going to share
Speaker 1: this after the fact. Yeah, I think do you feel
Speaker 1: like you overshared your last relationship? Is that where this
Speaker 1: is coming from a little bit, But it's more so
Speaker 1: that it's just it's actually to be dick on the table.
Speaker 1: It's making dating a little bit difficult because I don't
Speaker 1: if I'd say it in real time, it feels like
Speaker 1: I'm kind of Truman showing myself. But my followers like
Speaker 1: to know. So now I've swung back all the way
Speaker 1: where I'm not telling them anything about my dating life.
Speaker 1: But I want to find a middle ground. So and
Speaker 1: I also just like with the guys I date, I
Speaker 1: don't want I certainly don't want them to date me
Speaker 1: because they think I'm going to talk about them. But
Speaker 1: it's hard to find something, you know what I mean,
Speaker 1: it's just not want to date me because they know
Speaker 1: I'm going to exactly whatever. And so that's kind of
Speaker 1: why I swung. And I was like, no, I'm not
Speaker 1: gonna say anything because I don't want to turn any
Speaker 1: guys off and whatever, and I need to keep something
Speaker 1: for myself. But at the end of the day, my
Speaker 1: followers are my best friends in my life and I
Speaker 1: love them, and I talk about dating and I want
Speaker 1: to report from the field. So it's like it's really
Speaker 1: hard to find that balance, especially living in l A.
Speaker 1: I think my advice on that would be to always
Speaker 1: you can always still share with your followers. Giving people
Speaker 1: a little bit of information that you are dating, that
Speaker 1: you went on a date, that you like someone, without
Speaker 1: giving away who that person is until it's in a
Speaker 1: really solid place is probably just the only advice I
Speaker 1: would have to say about that, because that way you
Speaker 1: are sharing, like oh, and then there's an anticipatory nuance
Speaker 1: to everything with your followers because they know, like, okay,
Speaker 1: you're like I am dating there is somebody, and as
Speaker 1: soon as it's something worth mentioning, and as soon as
Speaker 1: we're like together as a couple, then I will share
Speaker 1: it with you guys, because you're gonna want to share
Speaker 1: that when you are in love with somebody. There's no
Speaker 1: way you're not gonna And so you the only part
Speaker 1: you want to keep private, or people's identities until you've
Speaker 1: sussed them out and until you decided you're in a
Speaker 1: serious relationship with somebody. So I think it's good to
Speaker 1: share that stuff when it's real and when you're feeling
Speaker 1: it and you had that experience for a reason, you know,
Speaker 1: like you're not going to do that again necessarily, even
Speaker 1: though you're followers loved it because it's completely relatable. You
Speaker 1: did it a guy who ended up poking up. You know,
Speaker 1: if that could happen to you, that could happen to
Speaker 1: anybody what they're thinking. So I think it's important to
Speaker 1: be honest with everybody. You know, you don't have to lie,
Speaker 1: but you don't have to divulge other people's identities and
Speaker 1: give away all of the details always. That's what I
Speaker 1: would say that's that. I think, yeah, yeah, I like that.
Speaker 1: That's good, right, Katherine. Do you have any advice that
Speaker 1: you need an answer to? Yes, I actually do so
Speaker 1: a friend of mine we both have dogs. Our dogs
Speaker 1: are the same age, and we kind of go back
Speaker 1: and forth like babysitting each other's dogs, like even if
Speaker 1: it's for a couple of days or even a week,
Speaker 1: like we know our dogs are safe in each other's hands.
Speaker 1: Her dog is a lot more work than our dog.
Speaker 1: Her dog has to wear diapers that have to be
Speaker 1: hand washed, and like barks all the time, starting at
Speaker 1: six in the morning. And he's very sweet and we
Speaker 1: love him, but he's a pain in the ass. So
Speaker 1: said friend has recently had a baby, and baby's about
Speaker 1: three or four months old, and I really want to
Speaker 1: be there for her and help her out and like
Speaker 1: take some things off her plate as she's dealing with
Speaker 1: new motherhood. But her husband has started going on like
Speaker 1: week long trips for work every month, and they want
Speaker 1: us to take the dog for like basically a week
Speaker 1: every month just so she doesn't have like something else
Speaker 1: to deal with. She does have a nanny that comes
Speaker 1: and helps during the day, so there's that but I'm
Speaker 1: struggling with like do I say yes every time even
Speaker 1: though it's like he's a drain when he's there. But
Speaker 1: I also, like my nice Midwestern heart like wants to
Speaker 1: be there for my friend, and you don't say yes
Speaker 1: every time, you know, like like once in a blue moon,
Speaker 1: blue moon, I don't know, But no, you're beer the
Speaker 1: way too generous, Like you are a good friend and
Speaker 1: you have been a good friend, and you are showing
Speaker 1: up for her, and the fact that you're even having
Speaker 1: these common station with yourself is like shows how much
Speaker 1: you care. But you can't. You didn't have the fucking baby.
Speaker 1: Yeah yeah, and you your husband isn't going on mountain
Speaker 1: trip week long whatever fucking hike in excursions like you
Speaker 1: need to know, like once in a while he's taking
Speaker 1: in the attractions taking I need someone to take me action.
Speaker 1: I haven't seen attractions in months. Oh my god, me neither.
Speaker 1: I haven't seen attractions anywhere. Yeah, you that's bullshit. First
Speaker 1: of all, she needs to sort that out with Also
Speaker 1: the diaper thing like that means take it to a trainer,
Speaker 1: figure it out, Like if she can staple his asshole shut,
Speaker 1: and then you could babysit for her fucking dog a diaper,
Speaker 1: like it's too time, too far, and you need to
Speaker 1: see your way out. You just gotta go. Listen. I
Speaker 1: want to be there for you and all you know,
Speaker 1: I do want to help you, but it's become a
Speaker 1: little bit much like a couple of days with your
Speaker 1: dog is one thing. Oh we isn't. I can't be there.
Speaker 1: You guys have to figure this out between the two
Speaker 1: of you, not me, you know. Okay, thank you guys.
Speaker 1: That's honest. Asked again, how had him? How confused we
Speaker 1: get when we're in our own situation? I know it's
Speaker 1: so true, and that you said you're like, oh and
Speaker 1: two wonderful women yell know at you when you know
Speaker 1: that's funny? Well, Tanks were can everyone to find you?
Speaker 1: I'm at Tanks on TikTok at, It's me Tanks on Instagram,
Speaker 1: and listen to my new podcast, It's Me Tanks. Thanks,
Speaker 1: thank you, that was so much fun. Thanks And if
Speaker 1: you like to get advice from Chelsea and one of
Speaker 1: her guests, please write into Dear Chelsea Project at gmail
Speaker 1: dot com.