Speaker 1: Nicky Nikky. Hello, welcome to the Nikki Glazer Podcast. It
Speaker 1: is Monday, August something. I don't even know it was all.
Speaker 1: It was Friday. On this past Friday, I read a
Speaker 1: tweet that said, uh, you know, the world is going
Speaker 1: to hell in a handbast something like that. Because it's
Speaker 1: Friday and no one is commenting on it. It's just like,
Speaker 1: you know, like usually it's there's a lot of press
Speaker 1: leading up to to Friday. Um, yeah, nothing, no one.
Speaker 1: I didn't even it went by without even me noting
Speaker 1: that it went by. No, what do you have any
Speaker 1: superstitions about that stuff? Because I always try it the
Speaker 1: first of the month to say rabbit rabbit. It's like
Speaker 1: the first thing. And by try, I mean I've never
Speaker 1: once done it since I was twelve and heard that
Speaker 1: it's good luck that on the turn of the first
Speaker 1: of the month you say rabbit rabbit. I don't know
Speaker 1: where it came from. Um. I I do have any superstitions, though,
Speaker 1: like are you? I'm not superstitious. But the thing that
Speaker 1: I keep finding myself No, I'm non stitious. But the
Speaker 1: thing that the stupid thing I keep doing is if
Speaker 1: I if I look at the time and it's all
Speaker 1: the same number, Like if it's one eleven, I'll make
Speaker 1: a wish. Yeah, okay, well one eleven. No one's talking
Speaker 1: about eleven eleven. That one is the one that everyone
Speaker 1: makes the wish on. So if it's like to to two, right,
Speaker 1: like two or three thirty three? Right, Okay, I like that,
Speaker 1: maybe I'll pick up that one. And you know what,
Speaker 1: I don't need another one, so poscisions become so o
Speaker 1: c D. And I'm sure, um, I would love to
Speaker 1: actually to hear from our best ties about the dumbest
Speaker 1: things you do superstitiously and um, and I'll recommend the
Speaker 1: best medication for you to be on to make those
Speaker 1: stops so you can get it on with your fucking
Speaker 1: day and realize that none of that stuff, you know what, Actually,
Speaker 1: now that I've become more spiritual, I do believe in
Speaker 1: those moments help you pause and maybe connect to something
Speaker 1: outside yourself, like a um, you know, like as someone
Speaker 1: who didn't believe in God for a while. Superstitions, I
Speaker 1: think we're my connection to like God or like something
Speaker 1: something's controlling the way things work, and I have to
Speaker 1: keep them happy to you know, like stay alive or whatever.
Speaker 1: I used to have a joke that, um, you know
Speaker 1: I used to and I always still do this where
Speaker 1: not actually I don't always do it anymore, but I
Speaker 1: used to have a thing where, you know, if I
Speaker 1: don't reach if I if I'm on a run and
Speaker 1: I'm like, I see they where I want to end.
Speaker 1: If I don't get to the end before this duelipa
Speaker 1: song ends, like I'll just pick in the arbitrary. They'll
Speaker 1: just pop in my head. Then I will not um,
Speaker 1: I will then I will do a BE on my
Speaker 1: upcoming special taping instead of an A. Like that's the
Speaker 1: kind of thing. It's not like I will fail it.
Speaker 1: I'll just get a B and I don't want to be.
Speaker 1: I want an A. And then I'll start just sprinting
Speaker 1: and the song is about to end in four seconds.
Speaker 1: I'm so far. I'm a half mile away, so it
Speaker 1: doesn't even make I'm setting myself up for failure or
Speaker 1: like a if A light, A lot of times I'll
Speaker 1: be looking in my purse for something. If anyone does
Speaker 1: these very specific ones, please let me know, because sometimes
Speaker 1: you do things that you think no one else does,
Speaker 1: and it's wild when someone goes I do that too.
Speaker 1: Sometimes I'll be like digging in my purse for let's say,
Speaker 1: a credit card or like a chapstick or something, and
Speaker 1: I'll be driving right and I'll be at a stop.
Speaker 1: I'll be pulling up to a stoplight. It's turning yellow,
Speaker 1: and I decide that if I don't find the chapstick
Speaker 1: and put it to my lips before I start or
Speaker 1: before my car stops, like until I come to a
Speaker 1: complete stop, then bad things. Well, like I don't even
Speaker 1: I don't even have enough time to decide the fate,
Speaker 1: Like I'll just be like so then I will start
Speaker 1: just like slowing down and like just you know, really
Speaker 1: inching for it. And then I get so close to
Speaker 1: the bumper in front of me because I just don't
Speaker 1: want to stop before I find the top stick, and
Speaker 1: then I have to stop, and I go, I guess
Speaker 1: you know they are going to cut my joke on
Speaker 1: f Boy Island season or episode eight or something like
Speaker 1: it's just so stupid. But I used to have a
Speaker 1: joke that, um, I was really superstitious as a child
Speaker 1: will not super but kind of I use that joke
Speaker 1: that I used on you before that seemed off the dome.
Speaker 1: But it wasn't. Um, and I said that, uh, you know,
Speaker 1: I would be playing basketball in my front yard or
Speaker 1: not yard but driveway, and I would say, if you
Speaker 1: don't make this basket, your sister will be kidnapped. And
Speaker 1: then I would um, oh, I would try so hard
Speaker 1: to just throw the ball behind my head. Um like
Speaker 1: it was. It was a joke like that of like
Speaker 1: your I would love her to be kidnapped because she
Speaker 1: was so pretty. Um. The super since I have is
Speaker 1: I say, if I say a never statement a superlative
Speaker 1: of I've never I don't even want to say it
Speaker 1: right now because I don't. I don't have any wood
Speaker 1: around me, you know, um, and I would have to
Speaker 1: go knock on what well, Like sometimes you look at
Speaker 1: a door and you're like, is that what? Or is
Speaker 1: that like lamin it? And can I do like A
Speaker 1: would if it's inside the wood, like if there's a
Speaker 1: coating on top, does that count as would? But if
Speaker 1: I say a never statement, um, like, let me say
Speaker 1: I've never had a million. Um. I was about to
Speaker 1: say dollars, but I'm not trying to brag. I don't
Speaker 1: know if that's that really was shitty of me and
Speaker 1: revealed too much. I've never had. Listen, it's not my money.
Speaker 1: By the way, I might have a million dollars, but
Speaker 1: you know this, whatever you have in the bank, it
Speaker 1: ain't yours. Like I can say that. People go, you
Speaker 1: must be you have you reached that point? Yeah, I have.
Speaker 1: I have, but I spend so much money to make
Speaker 1: that money. So and I I split whatever I get.
Speaker 1: I'll talk about that in a second. But um, if
Speaker 1: I do it a never statement like I've never had
Speaker 1: ten million dollars, I'm trying to do one that's positive.
Speaker 1: So I don't have a wood around me, so it
Speaker 1: might happen. Um, I've never had a million ten million dollars. Um.
Speaker 1: I if it was a bad thing, I would go
Speaker 1: knock on wood. I would hit would three times, knock
Speaker 1: gone wood, and then I go on my head, knock
Speaker 1: gone wood. But I didn't do it. So maybe I
Speaker 1: will have ten million dollars someday. That's the only superstition
Speaker 1: I really actually have. The other ones, you know, if
Speaker 1: I'll be on a treadmill, which I never am anymore,
Speaker 1: but I used to do it, like if if I
Speaker 1: don't finish this four miles sprint by the time the
Speaker 1: song has done whatever that is, then I'm going to
Speaker 1: bomb my appearance on Conan. And sometimes I wouldn't finish
Speaker 1: the sprint and I would just go, Nikki, that is
Speaker 1: your O c D. That is not actually going to happen.
Speaker 1: But if I did finish it before I go up,
Speaker 1: looks like I don't have to prepare Vergonan because it's
Speaker 1: in the car. Let me talk about the money thing
Speaker 1: for a second, because, um, I know, I hate talking
Speaker 1: about money or ever complaining about it or or being
Speaker 1: like bashful about having money, because that's even more obnoxious
Speaker 1: than just bragging about it. Sometimes I guess, um, I
Speaker 1: have been someone who has had no money before and
Speaker 1: been very scared, and I don't pretend to understand what
Speaker 1: that's like if you have a family or you know
Speaker 1: a lot of debt or anything like that. So I
Speaker 1: have a lot of empathy for anyone going through that,
Speaker 1: And I don't mean to trigger you by talking about
Speaker 1: money and being like, but I just I never you
Speaker 1: guys know, if you're listening to the show, I don't
Speaker 1: really look at my money. Ever. I don't really know
Speaker 1: how much I have, um because it scares me and
Speaker 1: I feel like if I look at it. Then um,
Speaker 1: I might see like I might oh like something, and
Speaker 1: then I'll have to give it away. I don't know.
Speaker 1: I have all this fear wrapped around it. It's a
Speaker 1: very common fear. It's the same reason I don't like
Speaker 1: to go you know that I don't like to call
Speaker 1: insurance companies, and I pay out of pocket for so
Speaker 1: many things that I could just give insurance for because
Speaker 1: I'm just scared to talk to people on the phone
Speaker 1: and have them be like, oh, yeah, um, why we're
Speaker 1: on the phone. You owe us uh ten million dollars.
Speaker 1: We forgot that and if you don't pay us, you're
Speaker 1: gonna go to jail and lose everything. Like I'm just
Speaker 1: scared of this thing that doesn't even happen. Um. But
Speaker 1: what I will say about money is like I did
Speaker 1: for the first time look at I was like I
Speaker 1: was backstage with a meal in um Atlantic City, waiting
Speaker 1: to go on stage and talking about how I want
Speaker 1: to bring more people on the road with me and
Speaker 1: including him. He's going to be on a lot of
Speaker 1: my dates, and I was figuring out how to pay
Speaker 1: him or like, how to make it worth his time.
Speaker 1: Because I was once a struggling comic and you know,
Speaker 1: got brought out and the money you make at the
Speaker 1: club is not enough to like, it's not a living
Speaker 1: wage anywhere close to it. And you know it's actually
Speaker 1: if you're paying for your own flight and hotel, which
Speaker 1: hotel is usually provided. But I I was telling him,
Speaker 1: and I was like, you know, it seems greedy of
Speaker 1: me to not when you hear how much money I
Speaker 1: make at these gigs. If you're my opener and then
Speaker 1: you see how much money you make from how much
Speaker 1: I'm paying you, it would seem like, well, that's not fair.
Speaker 1: And and I'm actually just I'm not saying that is
Speaker 1: what my openers say, because I don't think it is.
Speaker 1: Because I do pay them better than most people pay
Speaker 1: their openers. I would say, I don't know that to
Speaker 1: be true, but based on my experience, Um, but there's
Speaker 1: there's some fear of me having people see how much
Speaker 1: money I make for certain things I do, because the
Speaker 1: people I work with might be like, hey, um, can
Speaker 1: you give me some more of that? And I want
Speaker 1: to as and when I make more money, I always
Speaker 1: try to get everyone that I pay they make more money.
Speaker 1: Like you know, I used to make Uh, like, based
Speaker 1: on the check I would get at the end of
Speaker 1: the week from a club after I did seven shows,
Speaker 1: it would be I don't even want to say the number,
Speaker 1: but it would be a number that's a fraction of
Speaker 1: the amount I make doing one theater show now. And
Speaker 1: that's just you know, that's what happens when you get
Speaker 1: a little bit more famous. I'm not at the level
Speaker 1: of Sebastian yet, which, by the way, when I was
Speaker 1: at the Wargot in Atlantic City, I'm walking through the
Speaker 1: bowels of this hotel to get to or casino to
Speaker 1: get to my show, and I'm walking with a meal
Speaker 1: and Andrew, and then we're being escorted by security and
Speaker 1: they go, um, you know, Sebastians performing here tonight as well,
Speaker 1: not at the same room as I was. Um, and
Speaker 1: if you want to go to a show later, yours
Speaker 1: gets out by the time you could make it over
Speaker 1: to his it starts at ten. And I was like, uh, maybe,
Speaker 1: I don't know if I want to watch comedy after
Speaker 1: doing it, but maybe. Hey. By the way, um, I
Speaker 1: under I'm guessing that Sebastian is doing like some kind
Speaker 1: of arena you have on campus. My my theater was
Speaker 1: about a thousand seats, and I go, how what What's
Speaker 1: what's Sebastians? And I go three thousand. I go, Actually,
Speaker 1: I thought I would be doing a lot worse then Sebastian,
Speaker 1: like just a two thousand seater discrupancy. We both sold out.
Speaker 1: Um okay, I guess I'm not too far in Sebastians
Speaker 1: a rear view mirror and they go, um, he sold
Speaker 1: out seventeen shows, uh in like three minutes, and he's
Speaker 1: he's doing a residency of seventeen shows over like three weeks.
Speaker 1: And I was like, never mind, what's seventeen times three?
Speaker 1: I don't know fifty one? Andrew did that math, by
Speaker 1: the way, immediately I was like I abandoned the math
Speaker 1: because I was like, I can't do that. So Andrew
Speaker 1: just goes at fifty one. I was like, well hello, um,
Speaker 1: so that really like shook me and made me really
Speaker 1: It's like, okay, yeah, Sebastian is where I thought he
Speaker 1: was in comparison to me. Um. But what I will
Speaker 1: say about it is that when I was talking to
Speaker 1: a Meal, and I never look at my money, and
Speaker 1: I don't really I always want to pay everyone as
Speaker 1: like I just want people to feel good about working
Speaker 1: for me and never resent me. Um based on how
Speaker 1: much I'm giving them or how much they see I
Speaker 1: make versus them. And I started just talking to a
Speaker 1: meal about in say, like, you know, I can offer
Speaker 1: you this, and I know that seems low, but can
Speaker 1: I just let me, for the first time ever try
Speaker 1: to do some simple math and figure out what I'm
Speaker 1: walking away with over a weekend based on my costs
Speaker 1: and Noah, I just want to say that the weekend
Speaker 1: that I picked, which was San Antonio doing two shows
Speaker 1: in one night, and you know, everyone on my uh
Speaker 1: payroll and all the money I spent on um flights, hotel,
Speaker 1: uh you know for my team and uh food, um,
Speaker 1: well for myself, I guess I'm you know, I bought
Speaker 1: dinner one night, and but I didn't even add that
Speaker 1: paying gloves up Chano. To come out and choreographic, you
Speaker 1: have to rent like a dance studio rehearsal spece. I did.
Speaker 1: I did. I had to we rented by the hour,
Speaker 1: and that was actually like very affordable. I might do
Speaker 1: that in every town I'm going to because I do
Speaker 1: love um corey wrapping dances like adding I want to
Speaker 1: like make more and having glub around was awesome, but
Speaker 1: you know, and and let's discount. I didn't even add
Speaker 1: glob to this when I was doing this math with
Speaker 1: the meal, and I determined by my loose math. And
Speaker 1: if my business manager is listening, I do need you
Speaker 1: to look at what I'm walking away with at another weekend,
Speaker 1: because sometimes my agent will message me and go, wow,
Speaker 1: the numbers were great this weekend. You walked away with
Speaker 1: data dat And I go, is that the number before?
Speaker 1: After you take your share and my manager takes this share,
Speaker 1: and my lawyer takes to share, and my business manager
Speaker 1: takes their share from like you know, processing all that
Speaker 1: money like this, this and taxes. So whenever I get
Speaker 1: a number from them like this is your gross for
Speaker 1: the weekend, I just go, that is gross. That's obscene
Speaker 1: amount of money. That's for me just blathering on stage.
Speaker 1: I'm I understand. I try to give people a good
Speaker 1: show because I understand how much they're paying for tickets now,
Speaker 1: and I I feel and deserving of it. But I'm
Speaker 1: I'm working towards making a show that even if I suck,
Speaker 1: you will still have a good time. That's like my
Speaker 1: goal because I'm insecure about my talent gaining security as
Speaker 1: every day as I go, because I'm actually gonna get
Speaker 1: security because I'm a little scared of people that actually
Speaker 1: think I'm talented being uh no, I'm just kidding. That
Speaker 1: was just a weird rim, but uh I might need
Speaker 1: security down the line. And then that's another chunk. Let
Speaker 1: me just say, when I hear the big number, UM,
Speaker 1: I never ever go I made this this weekend, what
Speaker 1: I do is I split it in half. And because
Speaker 1: my my agent manager takes a cut and then taxes, right,
Speaker 1: so I split it in half, and then I then
Speaker 1: I add a little because let's say, like it's probably
Speaker 1: like forty five cent is not mine. I'll never see it.
Speaker 1: It was never mine. So for someone to tell me
Speaker 1: I made this much this weekend, I never go I
Speaker 1: made that much ever. And when I was someone, when
Speaker 1: I look at my um, the any of them, like
Speaker 1: the money I made for f White Island, split it
Speaker 1: in half and then maybe split that in half too,
Speaker 1: after all the expenses, you know, And so when I
Speaker 1: did the math, now I'm not joking you. Working like
Speaker 1: the DC improv and selling out six shows there over
Speaker 1: three nights in a small room versus two shows in
Speaker 1: a theater in one city. I made more money in
Speaker 1: DC and and let me be okay, that's more work,
Speaker 1: that's more days. I have to get in on a
Speaker 1: Wednesday to press on Wednesday morning or Thursday morning, Friday morning,
Speaker 1: and then I fly out on Sunday. I don't hate
Speaker 1: staying extra days. I actually liked that because now flying
Speaker 1: into a city and then flying out the next day,
Speaker 1: it's really taxing. But I made more money. And then
Speaker 1: because all I was paying for was Andrew to open
Speaker 1: for me, and then also tipping out the wait staff
Speaker 1: generously um and then also my managerin agent took a chunk.
Speaker 1: But like I didn't have a lot of other things
Speaker 1: like Andrew got put up in the hotel by the club.
Speaker 1: I didn't have to pay for that now, and it's
Speaker 1: it's funny like it all kind of equals out, like
Speaker 1: I'm not making more money actually from this is that?
Speaker 1: Does that mean that I shouldn't do a theater tour?
Speaker 1: Not to me, because the reason I'm doing, the reason
Speaker 1: I walk away with less money is not because that's
Speaker 1: just the way it is. It's because I've designed it
Speaker 1: that way because I want to make it an enjoyable experience,
Speaker 1: like I want to pay for this to be as
Speaker 1: easy for me as possible. My assistant Gen takes care
Speaker 1: of all my bullshit, so I don't have to ever
Speaker 1: deal with any like paperwork or dealing, you know, like
Speaker 1: there's things that make it now. It's it's it's very
Speaker 1: enjoyable for me. However, it is taxing in terms of
Speaker 1: the travel, and um that really just the travel. That's
Speaker 1: the only thing that I can't pay someone to do
Speaker 1: for me is to like travel, And sometimes I wish
Speaker 1: I could pay people to pay for me. Honestly, Um,
Speaker 1: the thing is, it's worth it. And I was talking
Speaker 1: to Anna about this and she's like, well, babe, maybe
Speaker 1: we can work on cutting costs somewhere because this doesn't
Speaker 1: seem right, And I go, no, I don't want to
Speaker 1: because I want everyone that works for me to be
Speaker 1: compensated enough that they feel good about it. And I
Speaker 1: also want to make it fun because yeah, I could
Speaker 1: not have Andrew and Anya open for me and just
Speaker 1: get a local person that would do a great job.
Speaker 1: I could not have a tour manager who I really
Speaker 1: love and pay him. I could pay him probably half
Speaker 1: of what he's I could base on one half of
Speaker 1: what I'm paying him, and he'd feel okay about it
Speaker 1: because people are so hard up for work, like I
Speaker 1: could take advantage of that. And I'm not saying I'm
Speaker 1: like some kind of fucking hero. By the way, I'm
Speaker 1: not paying them like I'm sure my tour manager would
Speaker 1: listen to this and be like, uh no, one would
Speaker 1: do it for half of what I make, bitch. But
Speaker 1: I want I want to just only do work that's
Speaker 1: fun from now on, only work that's fun. And I
Speaker 1: learned this weekend flying to Edmonton, three flights on the
Speaker 1: way there a fifteen hour travel day, delays along the
Speaker 1: whole way. I'm not complaining, by the way, I'm not
Speaker 1: complaining because I remember that Louis k clip where he
Speaker 1: talks about the miracle flight. You don't get to complain
Speaker 1: about flying. You should be happy that you can fly
Speaker 1: through the air miraculously like a bird and get from
Speaker 1: one goes to the next in you know, five hours
Speaker 1: instead of you know, five years, and all the people
Speaker 1: with you would die. He has a great bit about
Speaker 1: that he did on Conan and in a special um
Speaker 1: and it changed the way I perceived that. So I
Speaker 1: never complained about air travel. But it was three flights there,
Speaker 1: three flights back and to do thirty minutes of comedy.
Speaker 1: But it was worth it, you know why. It wouldn't
Speaker 1: have been worth it had I not been able to
Speaker 1: hang out with David Spade all weekend and his assistant Heather. Um.
Speaker 1: I made a new best friend in Heather. She's someone
Speaker 1: that you're gonna hear me talk about a lot. Just
Speaker 1: an instant like love at first uh site kind of
Speaker 1: thing with a friend. Um. But that made it worth it.
Speaker 1: It would if that wouldn't have happened, if it wouldn't
Speaker 1: have been And the show itself was amazing. Everyone of
Speaker 1: all the besties at the show in Edmonton, thank you
Speaker 1: so much. There was some outside of the gate that
Speaker 1: couldn't get in that were screaming at me that where
Speaker 1: I waved too, I love you so much. There were
Speaker 1: ones waving in the audience. It looked like woodstock, and
Speaker 1: yet there were people waving to me that I knew
Speaker 1: were besties. Um. That made it all worth it. Um.
Speaker 1: But if it wasn't like that, I would have said
Speaker 1: I will never go to Canada again, because I get
Speaker 1: so nervous going through customs. I feel like I'm a criminal.
Speaker 1: It stresses me out, and I would have like been like, okay, no,
Speaker 1: there's something recently that I put my foot down and
Speaker 1: I go, I'll never do that again. What was it?
Speaker 1: Hold on, we'll get Andrew in here. Right after I
Speaker 1: figure out what it was, I just go. I learned
Speaker 1: my lesson. Oh yeah, I will never go on a
Speaker 1: girl's trip to a hotel and not google the place
Speaker 1: that i'm staying. Again, learn my lesson. You know that
Speaker 1: is not I mean, that does have something to do
Speaker 1: with money. Oh, let's get Andrew and your continued. Oh,
Speaker 1: Marryan's there too, I got her. Hey, Andrew row Row, Yes,
Speaker 1: you're in. Oh they think you're here because I am
Speaker 1: talking to someone. Before I was just talking to myself.
Speaker 1: And now Marian, Marian, my dog thinks that someone's here.
Speaker 1: At Marian came here, you know. Uh. It's it's wild
Speaker 1: how she has healed. You, remember me? Can you hold
Speaker 1: the scar up? I like to see it, even though
Speaker 1: even in person would be even better. But oh my god,
Speaker 1: wait what it's just it's what a cool scar. That's
Speaker 1: what I want my stab wound to look like. It's
Speaker 1: a great scar. And she's totally healed. She is like
Speaker 1: just as normal as ever. Look like she got bit
Speaker 1: by a shark. You know what's not a cool scar
Speaker 1: is the one that's on my knee after I surgically
Speaker 1: removed the Did you go at it again? No, dude,
Speaker 1: because I was right, I got it out. I miss it.
Speaker 1: I'm mad I got it out. But you know what,
Speaker 1: I have a gigantic scar on my knee that, um
Speaker 1: people keep commenting on. I see it in photos like
Speaker 1: I have to go get get like laser surgery or
Speaker 1: something like I need to get. And then the other
Speaker 1: day I got surgery your own math surgery flat and
Speaker 1: not make a big like purple like lesion. Um. It
Speaker 1: looks way worse than it did when it was a
Speaker 1: little ward, but you know what I had, I would
Speaker 1: do it again. That was so fun taking a scalpel
Speaker 1: to this baby. And UM. The other day I told
Speaker 1: my mom and her friend, who have designed our podcast studio,
Speaker 1: that I because her friend goes nicky, her beautiful legs
Speaker 1: have bruises all over them because they do. UM. But
Speaker 1: I think she was really looking at this thing that
Speaker 1: looks like a bruise, but it's actually the scar from
Speaker 1: my work. Um, and I go, oh, now there's a
Speaker 1: scar from a work that I surgically remove myself with
Speaker 1: some scalpels I bought on Amazon. And she goes singles,
Speaker 1: you know, you could use a banana peel for that,
Speaker 1: Like my mom and her were kind of like banana
Speaker 1: peels work to get off words. It's like it's like
Speaker 1: an old home. If I do not try a banana
Speaker 1: peel to get rid of your work, I will. I
Speaker 1: can actually tell you how to get rid of one
Speaker 1: if you want to do it in a way that's
Speaker 1: not with a scalpel, like there's other ways. Um. But
Speaker 1: it's so funny that she was like my mom goes,
Speaker 1: NICKI next time he's a banana pule, and I go,
Speaker 1: I would never do that because I don't want to
Speaker 1: get rid of it. I didn't really want to get
Speaker 1: rid of this thing. I miss it. And um, anyway,
Speaker 1: how's Chicago, how's Brenna. I mean, I do love that
Speaker 1: they were so chill, like they weren't surprised, like this
Speaker 1: is such a woman thing, Like I just get a
Speaker 1: banana peel and a cheese grater, like I mean, I
Speaker 1: think they were horrified by the fact that I cut
Speaker 1: it off of the scalpel. You got a stitch kid
Speaker 1: to stitch yourself up. No, I don't want to do that.
Speaker 1: See I I don't like that kind of surgery. If
Speaker 1: that got me off, I would be so happy because
Speaker 1: there's so many videos of that online. But there's not
Speaker 1: a lot of like digging out wart videos um as,
Speaker 1: you know, like there's just not the content that I
Speaker 1: want as a ward. Heead just just not out there popping.
Speaker 1: People send me cists. Some I can't even say that
Speaker 1: word because I'm my busil line. And sorry if I'm
Speaker 1: sounding kind of list by today, but I gotta wear
Speaker 1: my BUSI line more like stringently because I need to
Speaker 1: get through it. I've been on this ship for five
Speaker 1: years now and it was supposed to be seven months
Speaker 1: when I originally got it in two thousand. You have
Speaker 1: like the Gilligan Island of Mouth. Yeah, it was, Oh
Speaker 1: my god, that's so true. It's like I really this weekend,
Speaker 1: I was like popping them in or out, and David
Speaker 1: Spade was like, so, what's the deal with those? Why
Speaker 1: are you trying to fix? And I go, oh, it's
Speaker 1: just like this little tooth that I it's out a
Speaker 1: little bit more than the others. I was teased for
Speaker 1: having buck teeth as a kid. I can't stand the
Speaker 1: of one of my teeth being out more. I'm obsessed
Speaker 1: with it. They were breakup braces. I was trying to
Speaker 1: control things that were out of my control. I picked
Speaker 1: braces and he goes. I think at some point you
Speaker 1: just like, are like, you just give up, because that's
Speaker 1: so long to be wearing these fucking galleee trays on
Speaker 1: your It doesn't look good. I mean they are invisible,
Speaker 1: and sometimes people can't tell. They don't look better than
Speaker 1: crooked teeth. Like six years of this, they're zero to sixty.
Speaker 1: They're invisible in your mouth, and then they are the
Speaker 1: most visible thing on the table when you take them
Speaker 1: out to eat with someone else, Like, they are insanely visible.
Speaker 1: It's ridiculous how gross they are. And when you take
Speaker 1: them out, and I'm so used to taking them out
Speaker 1: that I don't get you. Yeah, if you don't want
Speaker 1: to hear the sound of it right now, it sounds
Speaker 1: Kirsten said it sounds or maybe it was you. Someone
Speaker 1: funnier than me said that it sounds like it's your
Speaker 1: back cracking. Was that you, Andrew? I don't know, but
Speaker 1: yeah it does sound like like picture me cracking my
Speaker 1: ac You know what else you can hear? You could
Speaker 1: hear just a drip of saliva. I know. I'm sorry
Speaker 1: ephonic out there and did not want to hear that. Um.
Speaker 1: How is Chicago? Chicago? Chicago is great? Um, I've been
Speaker 1: having a lot of sects, almost too much, you know,
Speaker 1: for me, it's just too much, um just making up
Speaker 1: for lost time. Let let me ask you about I mean,
Speaker 1: you couldn't get up there fast enough. I could tell
Speaker 1: you were like really feeling the absence of your lady
Speaker 1: before you went up there, like you were just jones
Speaker 1: and for um some sex. I mean, how right when
Speaker 1: she she came home from work, she goes, I need
Speaker 1: to shower, and I go, no, you don't, Yeah, yeah
Speaker 1: I I did. It is like, I'll tell you what
Speaker 1: a long distance relationship, the first time you have sex,
Speaker 1: it's almost worth the you know, month of cheating on
Speaker 1: each other just getting Yeah. No, I I don't disagree
Speaker 1: with you. I think that long distance relationships often last
Speaker 1: longer because of that heat you develop in that you
Speaker 1: miss each other, you know, and you can just stretch
Speaker 1: out a relationship much longer than it would be. Now,
Speaker 1: you guys didn't start long distance, so you already know
Speaker 1: that you actually would work if you lived in the
Speaker 1: same city. You're not under this like delusion that you're
Speaker 1: But don't you find when you're in a long distance Like,
Speaker 1: let's say I'm leaving in three days, let's not talk
Speaker 1: about the departure on the first day. Like, let it,
Speaker 1: let's just have fun because you already are thinking about
Speaker 1: the goodbye, which is top you know, And it's like,
Speaker 1: do you bring that up? You've dated a little bit
Speaker 1: long distance, Like do you do you talk about the
Speaker 1: sadness of leaving? I mean, dude, that's all I can
Speaker 1: think about. I can that's I can't enjoy meals because
Speaker 1: I know it's gonna be over. I can't enjoy UM
Speaker 1: series A like Finales because I know it's about to
Speaker 1: be over. Like when I even on our trip, you
Speaker 1: can enjoy episode let's say you're all right days, you
Speaker 1: can enjoy the first three days. Yeah, I think the
Speaker 1: first the first three days of a trip of a vacation,
Speaker 1: I don't think about the end at all. And then
Speaker 1: I would say the last two or three days, depending
Speaker 1: on how long the trip is. Um when it starts
Speaker 1: to go over the hump and you start to like
Speaker 1: open your emails again and start thinking about like what's
Speaker 1: it going to be like when I get home, and
Speaker 1: like do I have food? They're like, that's when I
Speaker 1: start getting pretty depressed. And then it takes me out
Speaker 1: of the moment and I can't be in it anymore.
Speaker 1: I just gotta I just got a podcast sent to me.
Speaker 1: I do friend casts with my friends, where we send
Speaker 1: each other podcasts about our lives, you know, and it's
Speaker 1: just an easy way to catch up. And my friend
Speaker 1: recently just sent me a podcast I listened to this
Speaker 1: morning and she was talking about like a time she
Speaker 1: was longing for of like when we're together, and she
Speaker 1: was just like, you know, I just like look at
Speaker 1: pictures of it, or I like I am, I look
Speaker 1: at footage and stuff, and I just I'm like thinking about, like, God,
Speaker 1: I wish we could just go back to that, Like
Speaker 1: I just missed that so much. And I was doing
Speaker 1: a podcast back to her today and I said that
Speaker 1: still exists, like that happened and it's still like when
Speaker 1: someone dies, it's obviously like the saddest thing ever because
Speaker 1: there's no more memories to be made. But like you
Speaker 1: have the times that you did spend together, and and
Speaker 1: I also like you still have those. I don't know
Speaker 1: what I'm talking about, but what I did say was like,
Speaker 1: next time we are in a place like that where
Speaker 1: we are all having like she was describing a moment.
Speaker 1: She was like, I wish we could just be in
Speaker 1: this one room when we were all giggling and blah blah,
Speaker 1: and I go, next time we are, let's really try
Speaker 1: to sit in it and be like, God, this is
Speaker 1: fucking good. God Like right now feels good. And and
Speaker 1: then why don't we try when things are really bad
Speaker 1: to treat them like we do about good things, which is, oh,
Speaker 1: it's gonna go away. It's gonna go away soon, It's
Speaker 1: not gonna be this way forever. Why don't we ever
Speaker 1: when something when things are bad, I always go, this
Speaker 1: is the way it is, and it's always going to
Speaker 1: be this way. And when things are good, I go,
Speaker 1: this is gonna go away soon. So let's flip those
Speaker 1: if we can. Um. So are you guys struggling with that? No? No,
Speaker 1: I mean we're good. I just think the first day
Speaker 1: she was talking about it, and I was just like,
Speaker 1: why are we talking about this? Because she loves you
Speaker 1: and you know, oh yeah, no, it's great, And if
Speaker 1: you don't talk about it, there's not going to be
Speaker 1: a solution, you know what, Just put another time to
Speaker 1: see her on the books. If you have that, then
Speaker 1: there's no worry about parting ways because there's something to
Speaker 1: look forward to. But I think that's the thing with
Speaker 1: long distances, like when as long as the high out,
Speaker 1: like the beginning of seeing each other outweighs leaving each other,
Speaker 1: they can still I think when they start to, like flip,
Speaker 1: is when it starts getting into um sustainable. I mean
Speaker 1: maybe it is for some people, but I find that
Speaker 1: there is a The first couple of times are so magical,
Speaker 1: and those first bangs when you see each other are
Speaker 1: just great. But then by the end of the week,
Speaker 1: like you're there a week, like you just start kind
Speaker 1: of going like, I know, there's this hot girl laying
Speaker 1: next to me that like I would a week ago
Speaker 1: would have murdered my roommate to bang to even touch
Speaker 1: this person, And now like she's just she's hot and
Speaker 1: she's there and I'll fuck her but it's like, and dude,
Speaker 1: I am obsessed. I'm not gonna get into it right now.
Speaker 1: I promise you. I am freaking obsessed with the book.
Speaker 1: I picked it up again on my arduous journey to
Speaker 1: Canada this week, which I traveled twenty seven hours in
Speaker 1: three days in airports in planes. Cut your arm off,
Speaker 1: you know me? I I could have cutting that off
Speaker 1: in twenty seven seconds. I love I love a surgical uh.
Speaker 1: I mean I really took off yet. That's for heads
Speaker 1: out there. Ye, I've never even seen that movie, but
Speaker 1: we get the reference. And I didn't even say a hundred.
Speaker 1: I said seven, and you just went with it, and
Speaker 1: I like it. I think is the best age. I
Speaker 1: think that's also the age that a lot of people die. However,
Speaker 1: I did pick up a book again. I'm starting to
Speaker 1: read again because reading is a vacation for your mind.
Speaker 1: It really is, like I just need to as much
Speaker 1: as when I get depressed, I know that I need
Speaker 1: to think outside myself and not and either call someone
Speaker 1: who could really use uh an ear to listen to
Speaker 1: their problems, like I need to be of service to someone,
Speaker 1: or I need to pick up a book and or
Speaker 1: like jump into a show or something and escape and
Speaker 1: make someone else's life or like ideas, um, like fill
Speaker 1: the space that that mine are are like spiraling. So
Speaker 1: this weekend I was kind of spiraling about. I saw
Speaker 1: a picture of myself that I just didn't know that
Speaker 1: I looked like that. Um. I left the house thinking
Speaker 1: I looked way different. And then I saw an angle
Speaker 1: and I was like, whoa, Um, that's different than I thought.
Speaker 1: So I started spiraling anyway. I decided, you got to
Speaker 1: read again, like immerse yourself in something interesting. So I
Speaker 1: went through my e books in my phone and Noah,
Speaker 1: you know what book I just decided to pick back
Speaker 1: up again? And the answer is not getting do I do?
Speaker 1: Even though that is a book that I recommend every
Speaker 1: woman and man read um to understand attraction and uh,
Speaker 1: you know, building intimacy and finding the right partner for
Speaker 1: yourself and boundaries and all that stuff. But cupids poisoned arrow. Noah,
Speaker 1: I'm listening. Um, I'm obsessed with it again. I started
Speaker 1: from the beginning because I you know, I always read it.
Speaker 1: It's well you wish because it is not fiction at all.
Speaker 1: It is a nonfiction book. And you've heard me talk
Speaker 1: about it Andrew. I read this book back in like
Speaker 1: two thousand nine eighteen, I'm guessing, and I was obsessed
Speaker 1: with it. I talked about it on my show You
Speaker 1: Up all the Time, and um My serious show. Whitney
Speaker 1: Cummings recommended this book to me, as she did getting too,
Speaker 1: I do, and Me and Noah and Anya became obsessed
Speaker 1: with cubids Poisoned Arrow, which is a book about um
Speaker 1: orgasms and how they destroy relationships and and women and
Speaker 1: women and men like it is. The research is so compelling,
Speaker 1: the way this woman presents her argument, like I'm also
Speaker 1: reading a book about codependence and narcissists and how they
Speaker 1: attract each other and how unless you heal your codependence,
Speaker 1: you will always be magnetized to a narcissist, which I
Speaker 1: find over and over is like you will never love
Speaker 1: another code dependent, You'll always love a narcissist. It happens
Speaker 1: over and over again. It's fascinating. It's called the Human
Speaker 1: agnet Syndrome. Is the book that was recommended to me,
Speaker 1: I think by a bestie, and it's the way he
Speaker 1: writes just doesn't grip me as much. And it isn't
Speaker 1: this the evidence is all there, but it's just not
Speaker 1: the way. It's not presented in a way that I
Speaker 1: can recommend it to my friends and know they're going
Speaker 1: to stick through it. If you read cub It's poison
Speaker 1: arrow I. I I am imploring besties to just download
Speaker 1: the sample and read the first hundred pages on your
Speaker 1: phone or whatever. First twenty pages. Hundred pages for me
Speaker 1: is like five pages, because I have the thought so big.
Speaker 1: But and tell me that you aren't compelled by the
Speaker 1: research and the anecdotal evidence and the case studies. Um.
Speaker 1: It's basically saying that the reason that relationships fail is
Speaker 1: because we're having too many orgasms. Orgasms. And I thought
Speaker 1: of you, Andrew, not because of your relationship, but because
Speaker 1: one of the opening arguments that I missed the first
Speaker 1: time I read it is why do friends? Why do
Speaker 1: deep friendships never seem to fall apart? But the second
Speaker 1: um that the second you get into a relationship, that
Speaker 1: the relationships fall apart. Why is that the relationships have
Speaker 1: such shorter and more frequent turnaround and shelf life? It's sex.
Speaker 1: It's sex, and that is the problem. Because Andrew, you
Speaker 1: and I have we if you take out the if
Speaker 1: you if you look at our relationship and our friendship
Speaker 1: which I have with anyone that i'm I'm roommates with
Speaker 1: that I'm like. When On and I lived together, it
Speaker 1: was like a relationship, except we didn't touch each other
Speaker 1: and have sex. Like, there's there's nothing about you and
Speaker 1: me that would like aside from the fact that we
Speaker 1: don't touch each other and have sex, that is really
Speaker 1: that different from a relationship. And I would say that
Speaker 1: for all of my best friends, but especially because we
Speaker 1: live together. You know, That's why I'm giving that example.
Speaker 1: But uh, why is it that we can maintain friendships
Speaker 1: and really rarely have falling out with friends? I mean,
Speaker 1: it does happen, but the relationships always fall apart. And
Speaker 1: the answer is sex. The answer is sex. And you
Speaker 1: might say, no, it's jealousy, and it's like, you know, monogamy,
Speaker 1: that's a whole other thing. Why are we allowed to
Speaker 1: have Why am I allowed to have a shelf of
Speaker 1: best friends and my other best friends don't get jealous
Speaker 1: of those best friends, But yet I can't keep a
Speaker 1: shelf of lovers. I don't want to keep a shelf
Speaker 1: of lovers. But why? Why? Why jealousy? Why this? Uh?
Speaker 1: Treating properly I guess that's why relationships where you start
Speaker 1: as friends and then you maybe add sex later those
Speaker 1: apart two She She cites that as like, that's because
Speaker 1: I was even thinking about you, because people are always
Speaker 1: like where to ways to go through whatever, And I'm like,
Speaker 1: you think it would work based on how close we are,
Speaker 1: But that's because we're friends, and because we don't have sex,
Speaker 1: that's why we're gonna last. It's like if we if
Speaker 1: I was best friends, people started, but a lot of
Speaker 1: people get divorced after they stopped fucking a lot, you
Speaker 1: know what I mean. Like, so there's a lot of relationship.
Speaker 1: This isn't about stopping having sex. By the way, not
Speaker 1: having orgasms is not It's actually more sex, more for play,
Speaker 1: more intimacy, more cuddling, more slow building of sex. It's
Speaker 1: no orgasm. So people always go but Nikki, I like sex.
Speaker 1: It's like, no, you're gonna have more, but it's just
Speaker 1: no orgasm because orgasms are for procreation and when you
Speaker 1: have an orgasm. And this is my final thought of
Speaker 1: this spiel, and I'll be talking about this a lot
Speaker 1: because I'm actually going to finish this book and try
Speaker 1: to remember I'm highlighting things. I'm studying this book the
Speaker 1: way that uh, you know, I would if I was
Speaker 1: had a final exam coming up in a nightmare that
Speaker 1: I have last night actually where I was trying to
Speaker 1: get to class. But the final thing is that the
Speaker 1: blanket statement here is that orgasms are things that are
Speaker 1: made to have to procreate, and one percent of couples
Speaker 1: having sex, let's say one that's probably uh generous, are
Speaker 1: trying to conceive a baby. So why are we all
Speaker 1: doing something that only one percent of people relationships are
Speaker 1: actually trying to do what it was meant to do.
Speaker 1: It would be like there was a great example in
Speaker 1: the book. It would be like, um, having like birthday
Speaker 1: cake every single night of your life because it's it's
Speaker 1: a thing you can do when really only one person,
Speaker 1: less than one percent, one out of three sixty five
Speaker 1: are really having a birthday that day and deserve the
Speaker 1: cake like you don't. Just because it feels good and
Speaker 1: it's what you want does not mean it's making your
Speaker 1: life better if we did everything that felt good because
Speaker 1: people go, I love orgasms through all I live, I
Speaker 1: love them. The research states that after you come, you
Speaker 1: get depressed, you get anxious, you get clingy. This is
Speaker 1: for a woman in the two weeks following. There's bliss
Speaker 1: for a day up to two or three days after,
Speaker 1: and then it plummets and you get anxious, clingy, depressed.
Speaker 1: For men in instantly after an orgasm, they want something new.
Speaker 1: There's a study with rats where a rat is uh
Speaker 1: put into a cage with a female rat and he's
Speaker 1: horny as fuck and they funk a lot. I'm so hot.
Speaker 1: Both both rats are super hot. But actually that's true
Speaker 1: because they pumped the woman with hormones that make her
Speaker 1: having like spray, yeah, like her asshole smells good, you know,
Speaker 1: whatever it is. They pump her with hormones so that
Speaker 1: she's super hot to this rat. So listen to the
Speaker 1: s Andrew the rat fox and fox and bucks. The
Speaker 1: male rat populate, they make, they make, they have a
Speaker 1: ton of sacks. The brat jes is and then the
Speaker 1: rat passes out in the corner from being tired from exhaustion.
Speaker 1: And then the female rat is still going like come on,
Speaker 1: because she's pumped with hormones more and more, and the
Speaker 1: male rat is just like, oh, you know, I gotta
Speaker 1: get up early, and I'm just like I just don't
Speaker 1: feel good. I think I ate too much, and like,
Speaker 1: you know, just kind of like you. Maybe let's watch
Speaker 1: her favorite show. It's like on TikTok or whatever. And
Speaker 1: then they take that female rat out. And this is
Speaker 1: right after the male rat is sleeping and pushing the
Speaker 1: female that he just sucked out. They take that female
Speaker 1: out and they put in a new female that's pumped
Speaker 1: with the same hormones that female has. Guess who's ready
Speaker 1: to go again right away? That fucking rat. It wasn't
Speaker 1: about not wanting to funk anymore and that he was exhausted.
Speaker 1: It was about he didn't want to funk the same
Speaker 1: thing because he already came in it when men cam rats,
Speaker 1: Let's get to the news. Wait. I have a question though, Fine,
Speaker 1: we'll be talking about this all this week. I just
Speaker 1: want our muskies to read Cuban's poison Arrow, and I
Speaker 1: would love to hear what you think about it. Okay,
Speaker 1: all right, you're already here. First, folks, no one's allowed
Speaker 1: to come until Nikki said so, uh, which probably you're
Speaker 1: probably gonna die with coming. I don't want to have
Speaker 1: orgasms anymore, I really don't. I'm not doing it. I'm
Speaker 1: going to test it, okay, but as a guy, you
Speaker 1: need to come twenty one times to keep your prostate healthy.
Speaker 1: What do you say to that? Um bullshit? I think
Speaker 1: it's the same as like circumcision. You gotta do it
Speaker 1: because well, there's dirt in your foreskin. It's just like,
Speaker 1: shut up, you just it's religion. It's dumb, and it's
Speaker 1: for esthetic purposes. And we've we've glamorized a circumcised dick
Speaker 1: and now everyone's making scientific arguments for it, and it's just, yeah,
Speaker 1: maybe they get infected more often if there's a You
Speaker 1: just need to teach a baby and a man proper hygiene,
Speaker 1: and I think that would solve it rather than having
Speaker 1: to slice the baby's dick open seconds after it was
Speaker 1: Can you can you come on your own? So if
Speaker 1: you're in a relationship, you can't come on your own either.
Speaker 1: The thing is like, I'm not even joking you. I
Speaker 1: stopped smoking weed a week ago and for me weed.
Speaker 1: And by the way, they've done brain scans from and
Speaker 1: who have orgasms and the same an orgasm is not
Speaker 1: a penis event or a genital event. It is a
Speaker 1: brain event. And when they do scans of brains for
Speaker 1: men having orgasms, the parts of the brain that light up.
Speaker 1: It looks exactly like a heroin addict shooting up, and
Speaker 1: it's a drug. You you have a disease that follows
Speaker 1: an orgasm. The depression, the anxiety that follows an orgasm
Speaker 1: then makes you want to have another orgasm to fill it.
Speaker 1: So when I stopped smoking weed a week ago, the
Speaker 1: anxiety I had of not smoking weed made me want
Speaker 1: to smoke weed. But I worked through it and now
Speaker 1: I don't have I don't have that urge anymore. So
Speaker 1: it's it would be tough at the beginning to not
Speaker 1: have orgasms. And she in this book, she presents a
Speaker 1: type of love making that you can have that is
Speaker 1: without orgasm. That I haven't gotten to that part, so
Speaker 1: I don't know what the sex looks like without orgasm.
Speaker 1: Noah definitely read the book and knows it's called Careza.
Speaker 1: But um, we'll get into it later. Let's get to
Speaker 1: the news. What's the first story? All right? First story?
Speaker 1: First of all, I hope having all the swells out there,
Speaker 1: yet a great common phrases people constantly get wrong and
Speaker 1: how to say them correctly? Wait, can I guess some
Speaker 1: of her some of these all intense and all intensive purposes.
Speaker 1: That's literally the first one. Yep, that's the one that
Speaker 1: everyone always gets wrong. It's for all intense intensive purposes.
Speaker 1: What should it be all intense and purposes? Yes, not intensive.
Speaker 1: I mean that's wild, it's not wild. It's like it's
Speaker 1: just such a common one. I think it might seem
Speaker 1: like I am blowing your mind right now, but that
Speaker 1: that's just the one that happens all the time. What's
Speaker 1: what's number two? And that's the only one I got.
Speaker 1: I could, I could care less. Oh, I could care less.
Speaker 1: I couldn't care less. If you could care less, then
Speaker 1: it's not then it's something that yes, I couldn't care less.
Speaker 1: But you know what, I could care less works for
Speaker 1: me if you mean that you actually could care less
Speaker 1: about something. And the truth is when people say I
Speaker 1: could I couldn't care less, Yes you could. There are
Speaker 1: things that are more boring, so I could care less,
Speaker 1: it is actually more accurate because you can. When people go,
Speaker 1: I wouldn't wish that on my worst enemy, I go,
Speaker 1: you wouldn't wish be your flight being delayed seven hours
Speaker 1: on your worst enemy. Your worst enemy is probably for me,
Speaker 1: it's Trump. I'd wish that on him, you know, like
Speaker 1: that's that's a phrase that actually doesn't or this is
Speaker 1: the best barbecue. It's the best barbecue in the world.
Speaker 1: Have you tried all the barbecue in the world. You
Speaker 1: can't say that you don't know it's the best barbebecue
Speaker 1: I've tried in the world. Yes. You know when my
Speaker 1: stepbrother his joke, his big joke, Jake the Snake, he'd
Speaker 1: always go his existence, Yes, spaghetti for dinner, and he'd go, man,
Speaker 1: it's the best spaghetti I had all day. That's cute,
Speaker 1: Like it's the only spaghetti you had today, Jake. I
Speaker 1: like that joke. I had a dream about you and
Speaker 1: your brother's last night. I had a dream about you
Speaker 1: least what Yeah was there and a dog almost got
Speaker 1: hit And then I screamed in my sleep and Brenna
Speaker 1: was awake. When I screamed, it was so embarrassed. I'm
Speaker 1: telling you about no orgasms. It sounded like I had
Speaker 1: one alright ready. When people hear you wake up from
Speaker 1: your nightmare, oh my god, I went, I went, I go,
Speaker 1: can you do the sound? And that's what she goes. Yeah,
Speaker 1: you were like humiliating. I once was in a tent
Speaker 1: with my mom and sister on a camping droom and
Speaker 1: I remember having a dream that I was like in
Speaker 1: a miss American vageant and they are just I heard
Speaker 1: them kind of like stirring. I was like half awake,
Speaker 1: and I woke myself up saying my name is Nicky Glazer,
Speaker 1: Like I was saying, all this is embarrassing because when
Speaker 1: my dad told us about having a wet dream in
Speaker 1: front of this family as they were watching TV as
Speaker 1: a kid, I mean, that's got to be the worst.
Speaker 1: You guys best to send us in voice memos of
Speaker 1: things you've said in the company of others when you're
Speaker 1: sleeping or waking up from a nightmare that are embarrassing.
Speaker 1: I would love to hear them because they make They're
Speaker 1: already making me laugh just thinking about what I thought
Speaker 1: a dog was about to get hit by a truck
Speaker 1: one of the toy poodles I used to watch. I
Speaker 1: forgot that dreams are interesting. So let's get back to Okay,
Speaker 1: let's nip this in the butt. Oh, nip this in
Speaker 1: the bud? Yes, yeah, as in take action to stop
Speaker 1: a bud from growing into a full flower. I thought
Speaker 1: that's what it was. Okay, let's do it. Give me more,
Speaker 1: give me, give me more. Do a three sixty, Yeah,
Speaker 1: you're gonna do. If you do a three sixty, you're
Speaker 1: gonna end up right where you are. Yeah. I did
Speaker 1: a complete three sixty, and let me let me guess.
Speaker 1: Drum roll for one that definitely has to make it literally.
Speaker 1: I don't see literally, So you're wrong. It's so embarrassing
Speaker 1: and I gotta stop doing it. But I say literally
Speaker 1: a lot, and it's well, we'll say what what what
Speaker 1: should you say? Literally? Not say it because it's not literal.
Speaker 1: You know when people go it's said like I've heard
Speaker 1: Oprah a lot of times ago, and it's sent literal
Speaker 1: shock waves through the nation. It's like, unless you're talking
Speaker 1: about an atomic explosion, there's nothing that literally send shock
Speaker 1: waves through the nation. Yeah yeah, but metaphorically, yeah, yeah,
Speaker 1: you should just say shock. Yeah, you can say it's
Speaker 1: sent shockwaves through the nation. You don't need to say literally,
Speaker 1: because then that that makes that presents uh, you know,
Speaker 1: like it's going to be literally could have? Well this
Speaker 1: said should should be could have and should have should
Speaker 1: have should have? I used to have a problem with
Speaker 1: this should have and yeah, I think that's okay. How
Speaker 1: should have like I'm thinking of should have as in
Speaker 1: should apostrophe the and I think that is proper, like
Speaker 1: to combine them and do use it. But should have
Speaker 1: on like when I see I should have done this
Speaker 1: or could have? Yeah, that's wrong. Okay, let's keep going.
Speaker 1: I love these. First come, first serve. The first person
Speaker 1: to arrive will be the first person. Wait, hold on,
Speaker 1: first come, first served. Yes, okay, we'll get the next
Speaker 1: one unless here. Okay, Dog eat Dog World, Dog Eat
Speaker 1: Dog World, dog a Dog eat Dog World, Dog eat
Speaker 1: Dog Yes, Dog Eat Dog World. We don't need to
Speaker 1: define them. Yeah, they keep doing them. Just let's listen
Speaker 1: out and let me just like want of the same. Oh,
Speaker 1: that's it, okay, next story the dog World. Yeah, I
Speaker 1: mean you should have jumped to the next one. So
Speaker 1: should have. Ohh that's right, that's right. Listen, you pulled
Speaker 1: a real three six Okay, alright, next door? I miss you, Brad,
Speaker 1: I'm still here. Okay. A New York City subway driver
Speaker 1: is in trouble after letting his girlfriend conduct the D
Speaker 1: train for several stops, and she posted the photos on Instagram.
Speaker 1: I mean, what an idiot. And the people that run
Speaker 1: the train systems are generally so um well trained and
Speaker 1: like really take their job very seriously. And I respect
Speaker 1: the m t A transit people. I guess that's saying
Speaker 1: like a t M machine. I respect m t A
Speaker 1: so much. And you know there's always like if you
Speaker 1: strike an if you assault an empty employee, you will
Speaker 1: spend eternity in prison. And uh, this guy, I mean,
Speaker 1: I don't know, it just kind of reminds me of
Speaker 1: I was on a private jet this weekend. I want
Speaker 1: to say I could have I could have, um, but
Speaker 1: I didn't because the cockpit it was so weird to
Speaker 1: see the cockpit opened, the door open. I wanted them
Speaker 1: to close it just in case David Spade decided to,
Speaker 1: you know, hijack everyone like I. I just wanted it
Speaker 1: close so that and I'm not even joking you. At
Speaker 1: one point, we I gotta he's not a picture. I'm
Speaker 1: gonna ask if we can post on our story. Noah,
Speaker 1: police follow up with me to get this because I
Speaker 1: always promised things are gonna post our story and I
Speaker 1: never do it. And I apologize to besties because I
Speaker 1: want you to be able to see these things. At
Speaker 1: one point, he sends a picture to me and his
Speaker 1: assistant other while the plate while we're flying, and he
Speaker 1: was like, and we thought it was photoshop because it
Speaker 1: shows the pilots showing each other a clipboard and it
Speaker 1: has like a graph on it, you know what. It
Speaker 1: looks like they're like looking at coordinates and it's a
Speaker 1: graph that has like it's this thing that's been circulating
Speaker 1: around like a meme where it's like is this a
Speaker 1: rap it or a duck? And they are looking at
Speaker 1: it and it looks like they're like sharing cord, Like
Speaker 1: it looks like they're like talking about the flight plan,
Speaker 1: but it is. They are both talking about whether it's
Speaker 1: a duck or a bunny. And I'm like, this is
Speaker 1: why we close the door, because this is what they're
Speaker 1: all doing up there, and we don't need to see
Speaker 1: this ship. But I could have sat on their lap.
Speaker 1: And and did she actually have the controls of it?
Speaker 1: Do we do we see her? Was it her birthday? Also?
Speaker 1: She's hot. He's trying to get laid. I mean, he's
Speaker 1: trying to impress her. It's can't be that hard um
Speaker 1: to to hit go and stop and then someone's telling
Speaker 1: you like, it's not that it was take your girlfriend
Speaker 1: to work day. Then we forget that he does make
Speaker 1: thousand a year, as they should. And after you know,
Speaker 1: after my monogue at the top, let's be honest, he's
Speaker 1: walking away with one thousand when all of a sudden done.
Speaker 1: I'm guessing no one when you present a salary, cut
Speaker 1: it in half and then take a little bit more away.
Speaker 1: Here's the problem. What if she just let him come
Speaker 1: in the morning, she never would have drove that train.
Speaker 1: Mm hmm. So you're saying that to protect the New
Speaker 1: York City public met women need to let their guys come. Yes,
Speaker 1: that is maybe chapter and there isn't a dendum to
Speaker 1: a cubic poison arrow that says you can come if
Speaker 1: you are a d train operator and the fact that
Speaker 1: you don't come might lead you to give your girlfriend
Speaker 1: the responsibilities of driving your train. Okay, you know what
Speaker 1: it's time for, Andrew a short brain. Let's get to
Speaker 1: why do I care? Why do I care? All? Right? Uh?
Speaker 1: That Nicole Brown says that deodoran list Matthew McConaughey smells
Speaker 1: like granola. So as we know, a lot of people
Speaker 1: a lot of celebrities are in the news for not showering,
Speaker 1: not letting their kids shower. Apparently, Matthew McConaughey was quoted
Speaker 1: as saying that he doesn't wear deodorant, so this actress
Speaker 1: really smelled him really hard and said that he smelled great.
Speaker 1: That he smells like this is more of his run
Speaker 1: of becoming president. You know, it's just this is the
Speaker 1: press machine trying to get the word out. Um, I
Speaker 1: don't care about this at all. I'm so tired of
Speaker 1: I don't even I don't. Of course, he smells like granola.
Speaker 1: He looks like he does. And yeah, I don't know.
Speaker 1: I feel like even it was when Brenna was like,
Speaker 1: I need to shower, and you still wanted to suck her,
Speaker 1: like you probably smelled Brenna when she had b Oh,
Speaker 1: it doesn't really like sicken you to the point that
Speaker 1: she's unlovable. I mean, like we we aren't supposed to
Speaker 1: not smell. I don't think, well, there is a hippie
Speaker 1: smell that if it isn't treated for long enough, it
Speaker 1: does get pretty. I mean, humans can smell really fucking bad, right,
Speaker 1: you know, A month or two of not showering. But yeah,
Speaker 1: if you shower and you know your armpits smell a
Speaker 1: little bit, I think, yeah, I think you can overlook
Speaker 1: it if you're fucking fucking Matthew McConaughey, Yeah, I think
Speaker 1: that it's yeah, it's probably I wanted to share. Rihanna
Speaker 1: posted something the other day of all these people saying
Speaker 1: she smells good, and she said, like just saying it is.
Speaker 1: Have you guys heard of how Rihanna smells good and
Speaker 1: how everyone says it, and it's like a thing. I
Speaker 1: couldn't believe this. Hold on, let me find the clip. God,
Speaker 1: she posts a lot perfume. Oh, she already took it down.
Speaker 1: Hold on, I'm gonna I'm gonna find it though, um
Speaker 1: smell good. No, it's like it's every celebrity people talking
Speaker 1: anecdotally about meeting her and how she okay. She shared
Speaker 1: a video montage. Let's see if oh it's on Twitter.
Speaker 1: What's that line? Though? There's something like if it smells
Speaker 1: like a fish, it's a dish. If it smells like perfume,
Speaker 1: leave it alone or something. Oh no, I'd never heard
Speaker 1: of that, but that like people that overcompensate. I mean,
Speaker 1: I've been wearing your girlfriend's cologne that she gave me,
Speaker 1: not cologne, but um, the scent because it's like it's
Speaker 1: one that I can travel with because it's so small
Speaker 1: and it smells so good, and um, I feel really
Speaker 1: but this made me very insecure. I don't wear perfume
Speaker 1: a lot because the one time I wore a fragrance
Speaker 1: and I was working with um, what is his name,
Speaker 1: Bobby Slayton. He was a headliner. We were in Tahoe
Speaker 1: over ten years ago, and I put on Britney Spears
Speaker 1: perfume that smelled good to me and and as someone
Speaker 1: who I like respected probably wore it, so I like
Speaker 1: was like, oh, I trust that it smells good. And
Speaker 1: he goes, oh Jesus Christ no, and like really made
Speaker 1: me feel and I never from that point ever wanted
Speaker 1: to wear perfume again. But listen to this. Listen to
Speaker 1: this Rihanna, like this thing about Rihanna, I'm smelling good.
Speaker 1: It starts with little nas um reading uh. Like these
Speaker 1: are all just like clips of different people saying she
Speaker 1: smells good. And what she says is just saying okay,
Speaker 1: wait okay. So it says he goes, there's a thing
Speaker 1: that says, what's your favorite smell? What's your favorite smeal?
Speaker 1: Brianna Cardi beats think. Rihanna smells so good, really really soft,
Speaker 1: and I can't even describe what she's not it, but
Speaker 1: she's It was one of those things that literally left
Speaker 1: a memory on my mind when I walked like, what
Speaker 1: what does it smell like? Heaven? Yeah? What does smell like? Like?
Speaker 1: Dreams and wishes coming? When I met Rihanna, She's smell
Speaker 1: amazing and she just got off stage. She smells I mean,
Speaker 1: you guys, this is only this is half the video.
Speaker 1: It's it keeps going. It's just random people being like,
Speaker 1: she smells so good. I cannot wait to smell her someday.
Speaker 1: I want to know what it is. And people go, yeah,
Speaker 1: did you get it with? Uh? I did not. I
Speaker 1: wish I did see her. Oh yeah in the hotel
Speaker 1: that the Bowery Hotel. Yeah, she walked by, and uh,
Speaker 1: I don't know. Part of me thinks, so if someone's
Speaker 1: if everyone's like she smelled like they almost expected her
Speaker 1: not to smell so good. No, I think it's just
Speaker 1: like alarming. Sometimes you just meet someone and you're like
Speaker 1: Jesus Christ, you smell good. I'm trying to think of, like,
Speaker 1: do you like men cologne? When men wear cologne, do
Speaker 1: you like it or not? I like it. There's a
Speaker 1: little part of me that's like, what are they covering up?
Speaker 1: But it just shows I mean I think I think
Speaker 1: it smells good. I think it shows that a man
Speaker 1: like cares about his appearance and like hygiene, and like
Speaker 1: he'll probably have a nice like like ball and penis
Speaker 1: situation too. He is caring about like spraying cologne. And
Speaker 1: just like if it is everything else going on, if
Speaker 1: it's a guy that's wearing like disgusting clothes and also
Speaker 1: smells good, then I'm like, oh, he's for breezing, you know,
Speaker 1: he's covering it up. But if it's just like he
Speaker 1: looks like a guy that smells good and then he
Speaker 1: smells good, I'm like, oh that makes sense. But what
Speaker 1: was I just gonna say? Oh, you don't know. I'm
Speaker 1: I do not like cologne on men. I would prefer nothing.
Speaker 1: I would prefer BO, to be honest. I love the
Speaker 1: smell of a man. I loved BO, like when I'm
Speaker 1: in love or like I think it's love. It just
Speaker 1: makes they smell so fucking good. Um. And I you know,
Speaker 1: I'm on record as picking up dirty underwear, like not
Speaker 1: dirty as in like it has something on it, but
Speaker 1: like underwear that's on the floor and just huffing it
Speaker 1: like computer duster in a rag, you know, like really
Speaker 1: like like I want, like I just love it. And
Speaker 1: that's when I know I love someone as I'm just
Speaker 1: like mm, I want to get in that arm it
Speaker 1: and like get it. And I've really let go of, um,
Speaker 1: being worried about not smelling right down there or like
Speaker 1: tasting wrong or something down there. A because I've tasted
Speaker 1: men's faces after they've been down there and it's great. A.
Speaker 1: And I've licked fingers after they've been in there, and
Speaker 1: you know, I know that it's not bad. But also
Speaker 1: like even if it's bad, if the guy loves me enough,
Speaker 1: it's not going to be a problem. And I honestly
Speaker 1: don't let anyone down there that might that I don't
Speaker 1: trust and might talk it about me if I was
Speaker 1: having like a bad day, you know. Yeah, and even
Speaker 1: you know, a bad whatever, like it's like lasagna, Like
Speaker 1: a bad lasagna is still pretty damn delicious. Somebody vagina
Speaker 1: looks like the side of lasagna, like all the layers,
Speaker 1: like the wavy layers. Yeah yeah, yes, no more like
Speaker 1: like pasta layers, like the lips kind of resemble a
Speaker 1: layered lasagna, a vegan lasagna. All right, let's get to like, yeah, no,
Speaker 1: I haven't. I thought I was getting U T I
Speaker 1: the other day and thank God that it went away.
Speaker 1: I'm I've been blessed with not having a lot of
Speaker 1: um stuff going on. Like there would be times that serious.
Speaker 1: There was a while at serious when I would go
Speaker 1: to the bathroom and every day I would be like, there,
Speaker 1: someone is leaving behind a cloud of bavy bacterial vaginosis
Speaker 1: where it's like they're pussy just reeks and it like
Speaker 1: stays in the room, not because they put a pad
Speaker 1: out or something like, it's it permeates and you just
Speaker 1: feel so bad for girls that are suffering with that,
Speaker 1: And um, I would just look into your diet or
Speaker 1: I mean, I don't, I don't know if you have
Speaker 1: that going on. I hope someone would tell you, because
Speaker 1: I think that when you smell, you just you get
Speaker 1: used to your smell, because that's an evolutionary thing we've learned,
Speaker 1: is that like you get used to smells so that
Speaker 1: you can smell new smells that might be a threat
Speaker 1: to you. So um, that's why we get used aroun
Speaker 1: smell and can't smell our own smell. Let's get to
Speaker 1: top one bottom one. Today's category. Is I love this one?
Speaker 1: Nikki Candies? Yes, candy. I don't know why. I was like, gotta,
Speaker 1: we've probably done it before because it just seems like
Speaker 1: such a fun one, but we haven't. We're gonna talk
Speaker 1: about our top one bottom one candy. Andrew, can you
Speaker 1: kick us off with your bottom candy? My bottom one candy?
Speaker 1: Drum roll? Is it sounds like a candy? Actually? Drumroet?
Speaker 1: Sweetearts or the heart things that you get on Valentine's As,
Speaker 1: they're disgusting. They're like paste. It's like eating fucking uh.
Speaker 1: What do you draw with on a chalk? Chalk? It's
Speaker 1: just chalk. It's like it's chalk with letters. Get out
Speaker 1: of here. Let's start with um, the sweetearts? Yeah, sweetearts
Speaker 1: don't do ship for me either. What what is it
Speaker 1: about the sweeteart you do not like? It ain't sweet
Speaker 1: and sour? What about a shock tart? Are you not
Speaker 1: into a shock tart? That's sour or like a sour
Speaker 1: any sour candy. You just don't like sour. I don't
Speaker 1: for some reason. I don't mind sour or not sour
Speaker 1: patch kids. And I don't mind the lemon things the war,
Speaker 1: not warm heads, lemon heads. I don't mind lemon heads.
Speaker 1: I don't know what about sweethearts? What about a leedgehead?
Speaker 1: I mean I'm dating one and dating a sweeteart if
Speaker 1: you if you asked me, um, but yes, but more
Speaker 1: than anything, I I was thinking sweetheart. But then getting
Speaker 1: to the hearts on Valentine's Day, that's the shittiest candy
Speaker 1: on it. I'm not joking. If we did a top
Speaker 1: five bottom five, candy, hearts for Valentine's Day would be
Speaker 1: in my top five one of my favorite candies bottom
Speaker 1: to top. Dude, I love those hearts and I don't
Speaker 1: even read what they say because I just put them.
Speaker 1: I've made myself. I once ate so many of those
Speaker 1: around that time of year, Christmas. I ate so many
Speaker 1: of those one year, um that I was severely hungover
Speaker 1: the next day. I have had the further. I've heard
Speaker 1: about this, you know, in my eating disorder, communities of
Speaker 1: people being addicted to sugar and having hangovers the next
Speaker 1: day like a kin to alcoholic hangovers, and I never
Speaker 1: understood it. And now that I'm remembering, there was one
Speaker 1: time and I quit drinking years prior and I had
Speaker 1: not had a hangover, and I felt so sick the
Speaker 1: next day because of how many I ate and I
Speaker 1: haven't been able to eat them since. But it was
Speaker 1: like yeager, you know, like it like ruined him for me.
Speaker 1: But I really love those love no, no, it has
Speaker 1: I don't even read them. I don't like I I
Speaker 1: they could be in the shape of a piece of
Speaker 1: poop and I'll be like, did not have any color
Speaker 1: to them? And and have written in you know, taliban. Oh.
Speaker 1: I hate the fun I hate the sugar because it's
Speaker 1: like a tucky and it's like I needed to be
Speaker 1: like left. I like the stick. I don't like the
Speaker 1: I didn't like the sug because it was like it
Speaker 1: becomes like cotton in your mouth. You're like, I don't
Speaker 1: like it. Consistency is most of this with me, but
Speaker 1: for some reason, like yeah, I love it, sweethearts, so
Speaker 1: I agree with you. I do not like the consistency,
Speaker 1: and I don't like the flavor and I will would
Speaker 1: eat them is good? Um, but not um not my favorite? Noah,
Speaker 1: what is your bottom one candy? Okay? I just want
Speaker 1: to say for Andrew, uh, I hate sweethearts too, But
Speaker 1: what I hate even more than sweethearts are whoppers. Malt?
Speaker 1: You don't like malt? No malt for Noah? Okay? Um?
Speaker 1: Is it the consistency or the taste, the consistency and
Speaker 1: the taste like you know when they would give you
Speaker 1: like powdered milk or something. Okay, yes, it just it
Speaker 1: just feels like that, like I'm just putting that in
Speaker 1: my mouth covered in chocolate. It just grosses me out,
Speaker 1: Like funded for me gives me that powder of like
Speaker 1: it just needs to get wet. Why is it so dry?
Speaker 1: Like I don't like it? But um, whoppers do not there.
Speaker 1: It's not like pieces of powder. It's like a It's
Speaker 1: like a ball of it. And I strongly disagree. I
Speaker 1: love whoppers, but I do understand an aversion to a
Speaker 1: candy that's so strong like that. And there are some
Speaker 1: candies that start out the first twenty it's the best
Speaker 1: thing you ever eat than the last twenty like whoppers.
Speaker 1: For me, I get them when I go to the
Speaker 1: movies Fantastic first twenty and then they really depreciate pretty quickly. Yes,
Speaker 1: kind of like what's your bottom? My bottom? One is
Speaker 1: going to be very controversial, and I'm sorry to everyone
Speaker 1: about what Starburst? No, no, no, I love a Starburst.
Speaker 1: It's I would I would almost say it's more controversial,
Speaker 1: and I'm not trying to be um. Honestly, I really
Speaker 1: thought about this, and I go, is this your least
Speaker 1: favorite candy? And it truly is whoa Reese's in a
Speaker 1: butter cups and not Let me just say, it's all
Speaker 1: about consistency, you guys. It's all about consistency. I do
Speaker 1: not like I like the chocolate on the outside, but
Speaker 1: I don't like that it's like too cakey and dry
Speaker 1: in the middle. It needs to be creamier. Maybe I
Speaker 1: had a bad one at one point. Butter fingers also
Speaker 1: don't care for I don't like I didn't used to
Speaker 1: just just not like peanut butter um tasting things as
Speaker 1: a kid. And but Reese's I would never grab a Reese's.
Speaker 1: Now Reese's pieces I'm putting in my top five. So
Speaker 1: it's not about the races company. It is about the
Speaker 1: cup itself. It's about the inside of the cup being
Speaker 1: a chalky kind of dry peanut butter, and I don't
Speaker 1: care for it, and I don't understand the appeal. So
Speaker 1: you would want it more wet in there somehow, like
Speaker 1: caramel kind of texture, yeah, or just like more, um,
Speaker 1: more wet, like that dryness. I just don't like when
Speaker 1: you crack it open, it just looks I just don't
Speaker 1: like it. Um, all right, let's get to our I
Speaker 1: I can't explain it. And I think a lot of
Speaker 1: it's left over from my childhood. I do think that
Speaker 1: I've had Reese's Cups that I've been like, Okay, this
Speaker 1: is decent, but it's never gonna partly favorite. What about
Speaker 1: the egg? The egg egg? I've never had a reach
Speaker 1: his egg because I wouldn't even go there because why
Speaker 1: why waste the sugar and the calories and like the
Speaker 1: fat of in the process nature of candy on something
Speaker 1: that you just don't even like? And um, noah, what
Speaker 1: your question again? Sorry? What if it's partly melted, like
Speaker 1: if it's been in your pocket, and then that would
Speaker 1: be more appealing to me? Um, Just like Maria Bamford
Speaker 1: said in her special where she'll put like a protein
Speaker 1: bar in the um glove compartment and she goes and
Speaker 1: I pull out a protein bar out of the glove compartment,
Speaker 1: m fresh out of the oven. It just always I
Speaker 1: would I wouldn't prefer a melted one. Thank you for asking,
Speaker 1: and that is absolutely true. Let's get to her top one.
Speaker 1: Andrew your number one candy man, This is tough. I
Speaker 1: mean there's one that I go to the most because
Speaker 1: it's always around, and that's just the old school Snickers. Yeah. Yeah,
Speaker 1: But if I had to go by always around, I
Speaker 1: mean you're acting like I keep bowls of Snickers just
Speaker 1: around your bedside table, which you know wouldn't fit because
Speaker 1: there's too many cans. But why why Um, there's a
Speaker 1: lot of kiddies that are always around. There's Twicks, there's
Speaker 1: uh there there, they're in there, They're in uh, Walgreens
Speaker 1: and stuff. I'm talking about. If let's say you go
Speaker 1: to a golf country club, they usually have Maybe you're
Speaker 1: saying the candy at that is of choice for you
Speaker 1: to have in a golf club. Of those candies, Snickers
Speaker 1: is your favorite. Okay, I didn't know that. The specifying
Speaker 1: and then take five is fantastic. Take fives are with
Speaker 1: the pretzel Karl and there. Yeah, Take five is a trip.
Speaker 1: It's really fun. Um, A lot of different things going
Speaker 1: on there. Okay, Snickers, I you know, I think you're
Speaker 1: I think most people that have Snickers have fallen for
Speaker 1: the marketing that it's like some somehow like nutritional and
Speaker 1: that it's giving you like energy, and it's like it's
Speaker 1: better for you than other candies. And I know you're
Speaker 1: someone who's very susceptible to marketing, and I think you
Speaker 1: I think without the hungry why weight commercials, you wouldn't
Speaker 1: have answered Snickers just now? Is there anything potentially look? Yes,
Speaker 1: have you ever read a Snicker's label and seen what
Speaker 1: the amount of sugar and fat and like what goes
Speaker 1: into him? Just and by the way, I'm not judging
Speaker 1: you for having them, because you're not a fat guy
Speaker 1: eat your Snickers like you? Yeah? No, I don't. I
Speaker 1: I I've never read Maybe I saw the calorie count
Speaker 1: is like something. Yeah, yeah, I'm looking at that sugar
Speaker 1: more than calories and I just think of Snickers might
Speaker 1: be more sugar than you should have a year. Probably
Speaker 1: I just boring answer, But we're talking. No, it's not
Speaker 1: a bit so I think that people love snickers, and um,
Speaker 1: I have to talk. I don't eat candy anymore because
Speaker 1: I don't eat sugar, but all right, avoid it, you know,
Speaker 1: uh sugar, and I don't crave it anymore, even though
Speaker 1: candy used to be the only thing I cared about
Speaker 1: as a child, and all I wanted to do was
Speaker 1: become an adult so I could just eat candy. Like.
Speaker 1: I couldn't believe that adults can just eat candy all
Speaker 1: the time and didn't do it. It's just like I
Speaker 1: would go to them all and go to Sweet Factory
Speaker 1: and just get spend seven dollars, which back in the nineties,
Speaker 1: seven dollars of Sweet Factory candy was a lot. I
Speaker 1: mean that was insert amount to spend on on on
Speaker 1: candy and just eat those peach rings, the like little
Speaker 1: sugary uh watermelon slices, the ropes, the strips of like sugar,
Speaker 1: like sparkly sugar on those long strips that looked like
Speaker 1: you know, uh sport tape it. My parents love Twizzlers.
Speaker 1: They always had him on a ham and Twizzlers and
Speaker 1: goobersos are great. Um, I want to know, well, I
Speaker 1: actually love what I've never had. My mom loves rolos,
Speaker 1: my mom loves six lets. My mom's favorite candy is
Speaker 1: a six let. So if you have any kind of
Speaker 1: connection to six let's send them my way. Um. So, no,
Speaker 1: what's your number one? My number one? And I chose
Speaker 1: it as a number one because I can't find it
Speaker 1: anywhere anymore. Our cry baby tears. No, So it's this
Speaker 1: sour candy and it stays like what I loved about
Speaker 1: as it stayed sour until the end, like candy. Literally
Speaker 1: never even see these things. They look like tear drops.
Speaker 1: I used to love stuffing a bunch of them in
Speaker 1: my mouth and just like seeing how much sour I
Speaker 1: could take. And so it takes. It's nostalgic, and you
Speaker 1: do like you like sour, And this guy looks like
Speaker 1: you a little, and they're like like the old version
Speaker 1: of Bart Simpson. Yeah it does. It looks like the
Speaker 1: original Bart Simpson or like the original sketch for Skeeter
Speaker 1: on Doug. I mean, this is so funny that you
Speaker 1: like these. I have never heard of them before, and
Speaker 1: I am a candy connoisseur. Um, and I will get
Speaker 1: to my number one candy honestly, you're not gonna guess it,
Speaker 1: but let but but take a shot. I just don't
Speaker 1: think you know, this might be like the cry babies
Speaker 1: of like I won't get it. I won't get it. Okay,
Speaker 1: let me say before we just before you jump in comment,
Speaker 1: let me say my favorite candy is Smarties. Now before
Speaker 1: you jump in, I am not talking about the American Smarties.
Speaker 1: I am talking about the Canadian chocolate candy coated Eminem.
Speaker 1: It's a it's like a large Eminem with a thicker coating.
Speaker 1: It has pastel colors, and the way they crunch in
Speaker 1: your mouth when they are I would say s lately
Speaker 1: warm in your pocket is just heaven. I love Smarties.
Speaker 1: They are the only candy I will ever eat for
Speaker 1: the rest of my life, and I treat myself to
Speaker 1: them when I go to Canada. I didn't get any
Speaker 1: of this time, but um, they just they just nailed it.
Speaker 1: I feel like Eminem's in recent pieces the candy coating
Speaker 1: is not crunchy enough. This one is probably three to
Speaker 1: four times the amount of candy coating, and it's not
Speaker 1: hard to crunch, but it gives you a little bit
Speaker 1: more of a pressure to get through and then you
Speaker 1: and they're bigger and they come in these little tiny boxes.
Speaker 1: I fucking love a Smarty and let me just even
Speaker 1: say other Canadian candy that is amazing arrow a E
Speaker 1: r o S because they have little bubbles in them
Speaker 1: that makes them fluffier and like not as condensed as chocolate.
Speaker 1: I need my I like a moosy type thing. Um
Speaker 1: so smart Canadian Smarties are my favorite. Please do not
Speaker 1: send me them because I I really can't control myself
Speaker 1: around them. And what came first, the American smart These
Speaker 1: are the Canadians. I would have seemed the American Smarties
Speaker 1: because that might be my worst. Actually, I didn't even
Speaker 1: think of these American parties. No, they're like the heart.
Speaker 1: I like them. And I know what you mean by
Speaker 1: like having a bad consistency, because I don't like the
Speaker 1: consistency of fundip of sweet Tarts, of shocked Tarts. I
Speaker 1: thought it was a disgusting consistency like it just I
Speaker 1: love sprees though, so I don't know, I just I like,
Speaker 1: I'm never about the color of a candy. I think
Speaker 1: it's all like not really different, but a purple spree
Speaker 1: aside from you know, Starburst final thought, what is everyone's
Speaker 1: favorite color of Starburst? Andrew? If you say red, I'm
Speaker 1: going to walk out of the room. See this is
Speaker 1: the thing I knew you were gonna say. I'm a
Speaker 1: basic bitch with my Starburst, with my Snickers, with my life.
Speaker 1: I would have to say it's pink, and I am pink.
Speaker 1: But yellow is really good too. Noah, my favorite is pink,
Speaker 1: me too. Pink is the best. But then if you're
Speaker 1: going number two, are you gonna go yellow or you're
Speaker 1: gonna go red? Orange? Or like, what's another flavor? Orange?
Speaker 1: I went to red last red has this like very
Speaker 1: bitter grad Um. Let me ask you this. If we're
Speaker 1: going outside of the original Starbucks Burst back and we're
Speaker 1: going to like, um, do you remember the green pack?
Speaker 1: It was like more topical flavors, the watermelon one, the
Speaker 1: dark green one that had like the red writing on
Speaker 1: the dark green was delicious. That one's so good. Um? Noah,
Speaker 1: what are you? What are your thoughts on Snickers? On Snickers? Yeah,
Speaker 1: I can't eat it anymore? Like I okay, So how
Speaker 1: I psyched myself out of eating candy as I just
Speaker 1: read what's in it? And when I start to read
Speaker 1: of that I don't understand. It just turns me off
Speaker 1: from it. So I haven't had a Snickers in a
Speaker 1: long time, and now when I eat it, it's like
Speaker 1: two sweets, So I don't like it some Sometimes I
Speaker 1: think if you looked at the ingredients of your favorite
Speaker 1: toy as a kid and then a candy bar, there
Speaker 1: there's some mix. There's some mix and match there. Yeah,
Speaker 1: that's true, like in the same factory. Like I think
Speaker 1: the last thing for a toy is like to not
Speaker 1: make it out. I've never seen an ingredients on a toy.
Speaker 1: If you look on the back of where if you
Speaker 1: bought the box, there would probably be ingredients. I'm just
Speaker 1: saying that. I just feel like bat I get the joke.
Speaker 1: I like it. You're right, like they say, you know,
Speaker 1: when you remember when I was first starting about thinking
Speaker 1: about being vegan, I'm like, I'm gonna I was really broken.
Speaker 1: I always got the grilled chicken breast at a subway
Speaker 1: and I would put that on my salad. It looked
Speaker 1: was so good. The consistency. I just I was like,
Speaker 1: I'm gonna miss eating subway because they don't they didn't
Speaker 1: have veggie patty at the time. That the ones that
Speaker 1: I was going to. And I love the veggie patty,
Speaker 1: even though I think there is um like some kind
Speaker 1: of baggie patty. I mean, it's a kind of taste
Speaker 1: like that. Honestly, I think I did say veggie patty. Um.
Speaker 1: But I remember a girl saying, she goes, if you
Speaker 1: looked up the ingredients in the chicken, you would realize
Speaker 1: that it's not chicken. You can eat it. It's probably
Speaker 1: vegan because there's just so little chicken in that. It's
Speaker 1: like a yoga matt, you know. Um. I will say that,
Speaker 1: like if you're someone out there who loves snickers and
Speaker 1: loves a candy bar type thing, I have sweetness in
Speaker 1: my life, like you need to get off the candy
Speaker 1: to recalibrate, like what you think is sweet. And you
Speaker 1: know when people have desserts and they go, oh, that's
Speaker 1: too sweet and they put it away. I've never related
Speaker 1: to those people. Like that is insane to me that
Speaker 1: someone go it's too rich. M It's like there's never
Speaker 1: enough sweetness. I'm a sugar addict through and through. Like
Speaker 1: I love sugar. It was my first addiction for sure. Um.
Speaker 1: But I am now off show er and the best.
Speaker 1: I am a protein bar kind of like I am,
Speaker 1: so I know every protein bar and all the vegan
Speaker 1: protein bars especially. I don't even want to give this
Speaker 1: away because it is like the serum that I talked about,
Speaker 1: and I'm never going to tell you that serum again
Speaker 1: because I already said it once and I'm not saying
Speaker 1: it again. But this almost feels the same to me.
Speaker 1: But I want to help people out who are trying
Speaker 1: to break the sugar cycle. The best bars that are
Speaker 1: low sugar and vegan and taste delicious and sugary, and
Speaker 1: I don't know how they sweeten them, and then they're
Speaker 1: pretty good. They're like good for you. New Go Slim
Speaker 1: do not get New Go Regular because they have tons
Speaker 1: of sugar in them. New Go Slim peanut butter or
Speaker 1: raspberry or the mint New Go Slim. Now there's also
Speaker 1: peanut butter, but not peanut butter. Yeah, I mean, peanut
Speaker 1: butter is not the problem here. It's the consistency of
Speaker 1: the inside of the receps um and then the other
Speaker 1: one that is my favorite. And I hope this doesn't
Speaker 1: drive the price up of them. I don't know understand
Speaker 1: why I'm even trying to make it about like I
Speaker 1: have so much influence. There's like insiders raw Rev raw.
Speaker 1: These are the best ones, and they are tiny, they
Speaker 1: are low sugar, they are so eleven grams of protein,
Speaker 1: thirteen grams of fiber, gluten free, non GMO, three grams
Speaker 1: of sugar. Um. They are raw Rev Glow g l
Speaker 1: O raw Rev glow. The peanut butter, dark dark chocolate
Speaker 1: and sea salt are the best, best best. There's also
Speaker 1: a peanut butter variety. Don't love that because it's just
Speaker 1: too much peanut butter and not enough chocolate. Um, those
Speaker 1: are the two best. And you give me a raw
Speaker 1: Rev Glow peanut butter, dark chocolate and sea salt that
Speaker 1: has been a little bit warmed up in my pocket,
Speaker 1: and I I think it might be my favorite food.
Speaker 1: It is so delicious. There's cheesa seeds in it that
Speaker 1: give it a little crunch, and the chocolate melts in
Speaker 1: a way that is so like a warm cookie from
Speaker 1: the Double Tree Hotel. It is amazing that there's not
Speaker 1: a lot of sugar in there. And I have I
Speaker 1: I don't eat a ton of them because I actually
Speaker 1: try to have real meals now. I used to live
Speaker 1: on protein bars. But those are the best ones. And
Speaker 1: I used to be uh all I ate up until
Speaker 1: you know, a year and a half ago was or
Speaker 1: gain uh protein bars. It's like that was where my
Speaker 1: go to. I never ate anything else. I would supplement
Speaker 1: sometimes with a no Cow, but no cow has a
Speaker 1: chalkingess to it. That's not my favorite. But I'm not
Speaker 1: kidding you, raw Rev, I have to a day. I
Speaker 1: love them so much. They are great on the go,
Speaker 1: and they probably will satiate you just as much as
Speaker 1: like a Snicker's without the sugar. So don't get the
Speaker 1: ones I have, but order your own. Very funny candy
Speaker 1: bar story that I was just told recently. You know,
Speaker 1: baby Ruth the bar, the candy bar. Babe Ruth the
Speaker 1: baseball player sued them first, taking his likeness, and they
Speaker 1: said it had nothing to do with I love that
Speaker 1: supers likeness. Like he like maybe his dick looked like
Speaker 1: the bar. Maybe he was so riddled with uh, you know,
Speaker 1: the like different venerial diseases that he was like, Oh,
Speaker 1: it's not about the name. It's like the candy bar
Speaker 1: looks like my penis. It's the like h this weekend
Speaker 1: on the in the plane David Spade took a TwixT
Speaker 1: and put it in the toilet and took a picture
Speaker 1: of it and goes, guys, who left this behind? And
Speaker 1: his assistant Heather thought it was an actual ship. It
Speaker 1: was like, it wasn't me And I go, how do
Speaker 1: you think? I'm wondering do you ship? Like perfectly little
Speaker 1: rectangular glossy like with a drizzle on it that like,
Speaker 1: what are your ships? Like? I was like, I wanna
Speaker 1: I wish I were you that I would think that
Speaker 1: that was even a ship. It was really funny. And
Speaker 1: Spade goes, we're on this like voice Jane, and he goes, um, yeah,
Speaker 1: that was really hard for me to place in there,
Speaker 1: Like it was like you guys should have seen me
Speaker 1: in there. I had to like ship in my hand
Speaker 1: and then put it in. It was just so funny.
Speaker 1: I had a great deal. I want to talk more
Speaker 1: about that weekend. We're gonna, um, We're gonna have a
Speaker 1: great week of shows. We will see you tomorrow on
Speaker 1: the show for a special uh f Ay Island edition
Speaker 1: of the Nikki Glazer Podcast. So go binge that catch
Speaker 1: up with us and start that show so you can
Speaker 1: enjoy tomorrow. We're gonna tell you all the behind the
Speaker 1: scenes info. Um see then don't we cat and decre