1 00:00:09,880 --> 00:00:14,720 Speaker 1: Happy Wednesday, and welcome back to another episode of Couch Talks, 2 00:00:14,880 --> 00:00:18,800 Speaker 1: which is a bonus episode of You Need Therapy Podcast, 3 00:00:18,960 --> 00:00:22,319 Speaker 1: and Couch Talks comes out every Wednesday and it's where 4 00:00:22,400 --> 00:00:25,639 Speaker 1: I answer your questions you email in and then You 5 00:00:25,680 --> 00:00:29,480 Speaker 1: Need Therapy. The normal episode comes out every Monday. If 6 00:00:29,520 --> 00:00:31,440 Speaker 1: you guys have questions you want me to answer, you 7 00:00:31,440 --> 00:00:34,320 Speaker 1: can send them to Catherine k A t h r 8 00:00:34,440 --> 00:00:37,720 Speaker 1: y n at You Need Therapy podcast dot com. I 9 00:00:37,760 --> 00:00:40,000 Speaker 1: do want to say if some of you guys are 10 00:00:40,120 --> 00:00:42,160 Speaker 1: like I sent in a question a long time ago, 11 00:00:42,320 --> 00:00:46,640 Speaker 1: she hasn't answered it. Some questions I'm saving for actual 12 00:00:46,960 --> 00:00:50,479 Speaker 1: episodes because there's too much a detail to go in them. 13 00:00:50,520 --> 00:00:52,720 Speaker 1: I know there's some questions that I've gotten about trauma 14 00:00:52,920 --> 00:00:57,440 Speaker 1: and memories and trauma bonds, and those I'm saving for 15 00:00:57,840 --> 00:01:00,639 Speaker 1: full on episodes. Hopefully I can get one of those 16 00:01:00,640 --> 00:01:04,640 Speaker 1: episodes out pretty soon. But today we are going to 17 00:01:04,720 --> 00:01:07,640 Speaker 1: answer a couple of questions that I have ready that 18 00:01:07,760 --> 00:01:10,880 Speaker 1: you guys have sent in and the first one, and 19 00:01:11,000 --> 00:01:14,840 Speaker 1: by the way, keeping all of these questions anonymous, even 20 00:01:14,880 --> 00:01:16,679 Speaker 1: though I know some of you guys don't really care, 21 00:01:16,959 --> 00:01:19,080 Speaker 1: but I'm just for the safety of everybody I'm just 22 00:01:19,120 --> 00:01:21,640 Speaker 1: going to keep them all anonymous. Unless there's a reason 23 00:01:21,640 --> 00:01:24,360 Speaker 1: that I would need to share somebody's identity, We're just 24 00:01:24,360 --> 00:01:26,800 Speaker 1: gonna make them kind of blanket. And Plus, also, I 25 00:01:26,800 --> 00:01:30,000 Speaker 1: get a lot of questions that are very similar, and 26 00:01:30,040 --> 00:01:33,040 Speaker 1: so I kind of jumble them into the same question 27 00:01:33,080 --> 00:01:35,600 Speaker 1: and kind of paraphrase some of them together. So that 28 00:01:35,720 --> 00:01:40,280 Speaker 1: being said, this question comes from an anonymous listener, and 29 00:01:40,600 --> 00:01:44,120 Speaker 1: it says, I am about to start going to therapy 30 00:01:44,200 --> 00:01:47,400 Speaker 1: this month, and I really struggle with being vulnerable. I'm 31 00:01:47,560 --> 00:01:50,360 Speaker 1: very much a hey, this happened to me, but I'm 32 00:01:50,440 --> 00:01:53,240 Speaker 1: fine type of person. I don't like to make a 33 00:01:53,280 --> 00:01:56,120 Speaker 1: big deal out of things, so I downplay them. I'm 34 00:01:56,120 --> 00:01:59,200 Speaker 1: going to therapy because I know I genuinely need healinge 35 00:01:59,280 --> 00:02:01,840 Speaker 1: So I was wondering if you have any advice on 36 00:02:01,840 --> 00:02:04,400 Speaker 1: how to be vulnerable with my therapist. This is such 37 00:02:04,400 --> 00:02:07,160 Speaker 1: a good question. I'm going to start with like therapy 38 00:02:07,280 --> 00:02:11,040 Speaker 1: is so weird. Like it is so so weird. You're 39 00:02:11,160 --> 00:02:15,680 Speaker 1: literally paying somebody to listen to every detail of your 40 00:02:15,720 --> 00:02:18,000 Speaker 1: life that most people in your life don't know, and 41 00:02:18,040 --> 00:02:20,160 Speaker 1: it feels like you should tell them all the things 42 00:02:20,240 --> 00:02:22,959 Speaker 1: right off the bat. But just with any other relationship, 43 00:02:23,040 --> 00:02:25,440 Speaker 1: it's okay for it to take a little time. I 44 00:02:25,480 --> 00:02:28,200 Speaker 1: think there's usually a lot of nerves and intake sessions 45 00:02:28,280 --> 00:02:30,440 Speaker 1: because you don't really know what to expect, especially if 46 00:02:30,440 --> 00:02:32,360 Speaker 1: you've never been to therapy. But you don't really know 47 00:02:32,400 --> 00:02:34,520 Speaker 1: what to expect as far as what's the therapist going 48 00:02:34,560 --> 00:02:38,040 Speaker 1: to be, Like, what's her like temperament? Is she warm? 49 00:02:38,200 --> 00:02:40,280 Speaker 1: Is she kind of distant? It? Does she just not 50 00:02:40,480 --> 00:02:43,600 Speaker 1: a lot? Does does she talk a lot? And so 51 00:02:43,960 --> 00:02:46,519 Speaker 1: I want to start out with therapy is a weird process. 52 00:02:46,639 --> 00:02:50,440 Speaker 1: So give yourself some grace in the opening up part. 53 00:02:50,760 --> 00:02:54,040 Speaker 1: Tell your therapists you're nervous or afraid. Most of the time, 54 00:02:54,360 --> 00:02:59,000 Speaker 1: we know, like nerves in first sessions are pretty obvious, 55 00:02:59,320 --> 00:03:01,959 Speaker 1: and just in any session actually, it's pretty obviously, especially 56 00:03:02,040 --> 00:03:03,799 Speaker 1: once you start to get to know the person. So 57 00:03:04,000 --> 00:03:06,880 Speaker 1: I would just like name the elephant in the room, right, 58 00:03:06,919 --> 00:03:09,240 Speaker 1: So right off the bat, Hey I'm nervous. Hey, I 59 00:03:09,280 --> 00:03:11,239 Speaker 1: don't really know how to be vulnerable. It's part of 60 00:03:11,240 --> 00:03:14,399 Speaker 1: the reason I'm here. Be patient with yourself. Ask your 61 00:03:14,440 --> 00:03:17,839 Speaker 1: therapist questions. So I tell everybody that in the first 62 00:03:17,880 --> 00:03:19,520 Speaker 1: session of like, I'm gonna be asking you a lot 63 00:03:19,520 --> 00:03:22,000 Speaker 1: of questions, and it's okay if you ask them to 64 00:03:22,080 --> 00:03:24,920 Speaker 1: me too. I might not always answer them because sometimes 65 00:03:24,960 --> 00:03:26,880 Speaker 1: it wouldn't benefit you or it might hurt you if 66 00:03:26,880 --> 00:03:29,480 Speaker 1: I answer them. But you have the ability to ask 67 00:03:29,560 --> 00:03:32,639 Speaker 1: questions too, And so you might ask her even like, Hey, 68 00:03:32,720 --> 00:03:34,880 Speaker 1: I'm really nervous, I don't know how to be vulnerable. 69 00:03:34,920 --> 00:03:37,360 Speaker 1: Do you have any tips? I ask her, And just 70 00:03:37,480 --> 00:03:40,200 Speaker 1: even starting that conversation can help you let go of 71 00:03:40,240 --> 00:03:44,360 Speaker 1: some of that stuff. Also, allow this to come in pieces. 72 00:03:44,800 --> 00:03:46,840 Speaker 1: You don't have to get through your whole life story 73 00:03:46,960 --> 00:03:49,280 Speaker 1: or every deep dark fear or every single thing in 74 00:03:49,320 --> 00:03:51,480 Speaker 1: the first session of the second or the third. I 75 00:03:51,520 --> 00:03:53,720 Speaker 1: have clients that have been seen for years and it's like, 76 00:03:53,720 --> 00:03:56,280 Speaker 1: oh I just learned something new like this week, and 77 00:03:56,320 --> 00:03:58,800 Speaker 1: that's okay. Like allow stuff to come in pieces. And 78 00:03:58,880 --> 00:04:03,440 Speaker 1: Vulnerability isn't spilling your guts. Vulnerability is more than just 79 00:04:03,520 --> 00:04:08,800 Speaker 1: telling somebody something. Vulnerability isn't just telling somebody information or 80 00:04:08,840 --> 00:04:13,080 Speaker 1: facts or stories. Vulnerability has a lot more in it 81 00:04:13,120 --> 00:04:16,280 Speaker 1: than that. And so I mean, vulnerability might end up 82 00:04:16,400 --> 00:04:19,440 Speaker 1: being like silent for you guys, or not talking or 83 00:04:19,480 --> 00:04:22,440 Speaker 1: not making comments or not having to figure things out. 84 00:04:22,560 --> 00:04:25,440 Speaker 1: And and so allow all that stuff to come in pieces, 85 00:04:25,880 --> 00:04:28,719 Speaker 1: you will grow. I think the relationship with the therapist 86 00:04:28,760 --> 00:04:31,440 Speaker 1: is really cool because a lot of us want to 87 00:04:31,560 --> 00:04:34,800 Speaker 1: rush relationships or we want to push relationships away, and 88 00:04:35,120 --> 00:04:38,080 Speaker 1: part of the relationship with your therapist is you learn 89 00:04:38,200 --> 00:04:42,920 Speaker 1: how to like gradually become close to her or him. 90 00:04:43,080 --> 00:04:46,719 Speaker 1: I also want to remind you that your therapist isn't 91 00:04:46,920 --> 00:04:50,320 Speaker 1: your friend, which can get kind of confusing sometimes. But 92 00:04:50,520 --> 00:04:53,120 Speaker 1: they don't have to approve of you. They don't have 93 00:04:53,320 --> 00:04:56,920 Speaker 1: to agree with everything you say. They're there to be 94 00:04:57,000 --> 00:04:59,039 Speaker 1: somebody that can show up as a stable human and 95 00:04:59,080 --> 00:05:01,960 Speaker 1: help you kind of like pull things apart and put 96 00:05:02,000 --> 00:05:05,159 Speaker 1: them back together. It's their job to hear people's deepest, 97 00:05:05,240 --> 00:05:10,400 Speaker 1: darkest insecurities and secrets. And the reality is whatever you're 98 00:05:10,480 --> 00:05:13,279 Speaker 1: going to start talking about and working through with your 99 00:05:13,360 --> 00:05:16,640 Speaker 1: therapist or whatever you're afraid to say, the therapist has 100 00:05:16,680 --> 00:05:20,279 Speaker 1: probably heard that in some form or fashion before. And 101 00:05:20,320 --> 00:05:22,800 Speaker 1: I don't say that to say that like therapists don't care. 102 00:05:23,520 --> 00:05:26,480 Speaker 1: We do care deeply. It's that you're there's not much 103 00:05:26,560 --> 00:05:28,920 Speaker 1: somebody can say to shock me, or that somebody is 104 00:05:28,960 --> 00:05:30,200 Speaker 1: going to say to me. I'm gonna be like, oh 105 00:05:30,200 --> 00:05:33,240 Speaker 1: my god, I can't believe this like that doesn't happen 106 00:05:33,440 --> 00:05:36,040 Speaker 1: that often, especially if you have a therapist that's been 107 00:05:36,080 --> 00:05:39,040 Speaker 1: working for a while. And so yeah, just give yourself 108 00:05:39,080 --> 00:05:41,240 Speaker 1: some grace and the fact that you're probably not the 109 00:05:41,279 --> 00:05:43,719 Speaker 1: only one dealing with the things that you're dealing with. 110 00:05:43,760 --> 00:05:47,479 Speaker 1: That's why we have jobs. Good luck with your vulnerability journey. 111 00:05:47,680 --> 00:05:51,680 Speaker 1: And okay, second question. I heard you say that whatever 112 00:05:51,720 --> 00:05:54,200 Speaker 1: we use to numb our response is our way of 113 00:05:54,240 --> 00:05:57,160 Speaker 1: acknowledging that our world is jacked up or broken in 114 00:05:57,240 --> 00:06:00,159 Speaker 1: your episode on addiction. My question is how how do 115 00:06:00,240 --> 00:06:02,840 Speaker 1: you address the true issue of our world being broken 116 00:06:03,160 --> 00:06:05,919 Speaker 1: without coming to the conclusion that if we can't change 117 00:06:05,960 --> 00:06:08,520 Speaker 1: the world we are in, we have to either change 118 00:06:08,520 --> 00:06:11,599 Speaker 1: ourselves or exit the world. It seems after listening to 119 00:06:11,600 --> 00:06:14,000 Speaker 1: the podcast, there's just not a good choice or conclusion. 120 00:06:14,279 --> 00:06:17,320 Speaker 1: Hopefully on a follow up Q and a episode you 121 00:06:17,320 --> 00:06:19,880 Speaker 1: can address this and how we can properly view the 122 00:06:19,880 --> 00:06:22,159 Speaker 1: broken world we are in so we don't have to 123 00:06:22,240 --> 00:06:24,760 Speaker 1: numb the experience. Okay, this is such a good question 124 00:06:24,880 --> 00:06:27,120 Speaker 1: and almost one that I wanted to make a full 125 00:06:27,160 --> 00:06:29,520 Speaker 1: episode out of, but I'm gonna just answer this the 126 00:06:29,520 --> 00:06:32,520 Speaker 1: best I can in a concise way. My first thought 127 00:06:32,720 --> 00:06:35,080 Speaker 1: is coping. The first thing we have to do is 128 00:06:35,640 --> 00:06:38,320 Speaker 1: look at how to cope in a healthy way, and 129 00:06:38,760 --> 00:06:41,240 Speaker 1: addiction is a way to cope in a way that 130 00:06:41,560 --> 00:06:44,040 Speaker 1: at some point becomes unhealthier and not helpful for us. 131 00:06:44,520 --> 00:06:46,920 Speaker 1: And so the first thing is to introduce and work 132 00:06:46,960 --> 00:06:51,920 Speaker 1: on some coping mechanisms that can allow us to get 133 00:06:51,960 --> 00:06:54,240 Speaker 1: into our logical brain and act not so much out 134 00:06:54,279 --> 00:06:56,719 Speaker 1: of our emotion all of the time, or even bring 135 00:06:56,720 --> 00:06:59,760 Speaker 1: those two brains together. So the first step is how 136 00:06:59,760 --> 00:07:02,680 Speaker 1: do I cope with feelings that the world brings? So 137 00:07:02,720 --> 00:07:07,159 Speaker 1: then how can I regulate myself to respond instead of react? 138 00:07:07,680 --> 00:07:10,800 Speaker 1: And then the second part then becomes, Okay, what do 139 00:07:10,840 --> 00:07:13,000 Speaker 1: I do about my feelings and about the world. A 140 00:07:13,040 --> 00:07:16,160 Speaker 1: lot of my work comes from me personally realizing how 141 00:07:16,200 --> 00:07:18,800 Speaker 1: screwed up the world is in certain areas and where 142 00:07:18,840 --> 00:07:21,040 Speaker 1: I want to make a change. And that's why I 143 00:07:21,080 --> 00:07:23,239 Speaker 1: fight so hard around the things that I care about, 144 00:07:23,320 --> 00:07:26,440 Speaker 1: especially when it comes to eating disorders and body image 145 00:07:26,440 --> 00:07:29,240 Speaker 1: and diet culture and just addiction in general. Now this 146 00:07:29,320 --> 00:07:32,960 Speaker 1: goes into feelings and how our feelings are tools that 147 00:07:33,000 --> 00:07:36,160 Speaker 1: we should pay attention to and listen to. So I 148 00:07:36,360 --> 00:07:38,880 Speaker 1: look at feelings as guides and they kind of tell 149 00:07:38,920 --> 00:07:42,200 Speaker 1: us what we need rather than the bad guys. And 150 00:07:42,360 --> 00:07:43,960 Speaker 1: when we look at it that way, we no longer 151 00:07:44,080 --> 00:07:47,280 Speaker 1: trying to shut our feelings down or off in numbing. 152 00:07:47,640 --> 00:07:51,040 Speaker 1: We are looking at, Okay, what is this feeling telling 153 00:07:51,080 --> 00:07:53,880 Speaker 1: me that I'm needing? It's almost like these feelings are 154 00:07:53,920 --> 00:07:56,760 Speaker 1: good things. Even though they don't feel good, This feeling 155 00:07:56,920 --> 00:07:59,560 Speaker 1: is good, if that makes any sense. If we numb, 156 00:07:59,640 --> 00:08:03,320 Speaker 1: nothing will change. However, if we listen to our feelings, 157 00:08:03,640 --> 00:08:07,320 Speaker 1: then we can begin to attempt. The change doesn't happen overnight, 158 00:08:07,360 --> 00:08:09,000 Speaker 1: but we can at least we have a shot of 159 00:08:09,040 --> 00:08:12,320 Speaker 1: getting somewhere. So to wrap that all up, the first 160 00:08:12,360 --> 00:08:14,200 Speaker 1: thing again I want to say, is like coping. So 161 00:08:14,320 --> 00:08:17,800 Speaker 1: learn how to self regulate ourselves so we can look 162 00:08:17,840 --> 00:08:20,840 Speaker 1: at responding instead of reacting to the world. And then 163 00:08:21,240 --> 00:08:23,600 Speaker 1: once we're regulated, we can tune into what am I 164 00:08:23,640 --> 00:08:27,600 Speaker 1: feeling and then look at my feelings, whether it's sadness 165 00:08:27,720 --> 00:08:31,960 Speaker 1: or or hurt, or gladness or shame or anxiety or fear. 166 00:08:32,040 --> 00:08:34,280 Speaker 1: If I'm looking at that feeling and asking what is 167 00:08:34,320 --> 00:08:37,600 Speaker 1: this telling me, and I have a whole episode on feelings. 168 00:08:37,640 --> 00:08:39,440 Speaker 1: If you want to go back and listen to that. 169 00:08:39,520 --> 00:08:42,199 Speaker 1: It's called All of the Feelings, and I think that 170 00:08:42,200 --> 00:08:44,280 Speaker 1: that might put some more context into what I'm talking 171 00:08:44,280 --> 00:08:46,760 Speaker 1: about now. Usually i only do two questions, but this 172 00:08:46,840 --> 00:08:49,240 Speaker 1: week I'm going to do three because I'm getting a 173 00:08:49,280 --> 00:08:53,320 Speaker 1: lot of questions about recommendations for books, and I've gotten 174 00:08:53,360 --> 00:08:56,960 Speaker 1: some questions from students that are in grad school for 175 00:08:57,080 --> 00:08:59,240 Speaker 1: to be counselors or therapists, and I've gotten a lot 176 00:08:59,240 --> 00:09:01,240 Speaker 1: of questions just them y'all wanting to know more about 177 00:09:01,280 --> 00:09:05,840 Speaker 1: attachment or anything. And I actually have a page on 178 00:09:05,880 --> 00:09:08,920 Speaker 1: my website that is all book recommendations, So if you 179 00:09:09,000 --> 00:09:12,360 Speaker 1: go to you Need Therapy podcast dot com, and then 180 00:09:12,440 --> 00:09:15,680 Speaker 1: there is a resources page. I have some of my 181 00:09:15,720 --> 00:09:19,840 Speaker 1: favorite books separated by subjects. So there's a couple on 182 00:09:19,880 --> 00:09:24,320 Speaker 1: there about attachment. There's one on addiction, Anio Graham body image, 183 00:09:24,720 --> 00:09:28,040 Speaker 1: and so if you're wanting some book recommendations, go ahead 184 00:09:28,160 --> 00:09:30,960 Speaker 1: and head there, and there's links to go get them 185 00:09:30,960 --> 00:09:33,440 Speaker 1: from Amazon. So it's super easy. I will say, if 186 00:09:33,480 --> 00:09:35,960 Speaker 1: you're looking at attachment, one of my favorites is the 187 00:09:36,000 --> 00:09:40,040 Speaker 1: Attachment Effect, and it looks attachment through every single part 188 00:09:40,040 --> 00:09:45,120 Speaker 1: of your life, relationships, family, work, everything, and so I 189 00:09:45,160 --> 00:09:47,760 Speaker 1: really love that one. And then the one on addiction 190 00:09:47,800 --> 00:09:49,880 Speaker 1: that I love is In the Realm of Hungry Ghosts 191 00:09:49,960 --> 00:09:53,920 Speaker 1: by Kabor Mate. And some of my favorite books on 192 00:09:54,160 --> 00:09:56,920 Speaker 1: body image and eating disorders are Life Without Ed. That's 193 00:09:56,920 --> 00:09:59,680 Speaker 1: probably my go to. Body Respect is a really good book, 194 00:09:59,800 --> 00:10:02,959 Speaker 1: and and trauma authors so many, but my favorite is 195 00:10:03,040 --> 00:10:06,199 Speaker 1: The Body Keeps the Score. I do want to say 196 00:10:06,280 --> 00:10:09,240 Speaker 1: that book can be super triggering. So if you're working 197 00:10:09,280 --> 00:10:11,800 Speaker 1: through a lot of trauma right now and you your 198 00:10:11,800 --> 00:10:13,679 Speaker 1: body is having a lot of reactions to that, that's 199 00:10:13,720 --> 00:10:15,960 Speaker 1: probably not the thing that you want to go to. Yeah, 200 00:10:16,000 --> 00:10:17,880 Speaker 1: so if you want to look at any of those books, 201 00:10:17,920 --> 00:10:21,800 Speaker 1: go ahead to You Need Therapy Podcast dot com, Slash 202 00:10:21,880 --> 00:10:25,640 Speaker 1: Resources and you should see all of those. They're all right. Well, 203 00:10:25,760 --> 00:10:29,800 Speaker 1: that wraps up this week's episode of couch Talks. Thank 204 00:10:29,840 --> 00:10:33,360 Speaker 1: you again for everybody who sent a question in, and again, 205 00:10:33,360 --> 00:10:36,120 Speaker 1: if you guys have questions, send them to Catherine at 206 00:10:36,200 --> 00:10:39,800 Speaker 1: you Need Therapy podcast dot com. I love every time 207 00:10:39,800 --> 00:10:42,200 Speaker 1: I get a question. I read it personally first, it's 208 00:10:42,280 --> 00:10:45,520 Speaker 1: literally coming to my inbox. And I also just wanted 209 00:10:45,559 --> 00:10:48,160 Speaker 1: to say thank you. I'll probably continue to say thank 210 00:10:48,200 --> 00:10:51,080 Speaker 1: you to everybody who's been so supportive in the last 211 00:10:51,120 --> 00:10:53,800 Speaker 1: couple of weeks, as Amy launch to the network, that 212 00:10:53,880 --> 00:10:56,840 Speaker 1: Amy Brown Podcast Network, and we've gotten a bunch of 213 00:10:56,880 --> 00:10:59,560 Speaker 1: new listeners and a new group of audience members and 214 00:10:59,559 --> 00:11:02,360 Speaker 1: it's really exciting to see that. So, as always, I 215 00:11:02,360 --> 00:11:06,079 Speaker 1: would love if you guys would like and subscribe and 216 00:11:06,440 --> 00:11:09,720 Speaker 1: rate and comment on this podcast. It's really helpful for 217 00:11:09,800 --> 00:11:12,560 Speaker 1: us to gain more visibility, so more people can gain 218 00:11:12,600 --> 00:11:15,120 Speaker 1: the information we're trying to spread. Thank you to everybody 219 00:11:15,120 --> 00:11:17,240 Speaker 1: who's done that. It means so much to me. Every 220 00:11:17,280 --> 00:11:19,520 Speaker 1: time I see a new review, I'm like, yeah, yeah, 221 00:11:19,559 --> 00:11:22,240 Speaker 1: even if it's constructive, I think that we need that. 222 00:11:22,400 --> 00:11:25,400 Speaker 1: And as a human, I'm very open to being imperfect, 223 00:11:25,559 --> 00:11:30,640 Speaker 1: and so I fully embrace some of the constructive criticism 224 00:11:30,920 --> 00:11:33,880 Speaker 1: I have been given and hopefully that helps the podcast 225 00:11:33,920 --> 00:11:36,160 Speaker 1: get even better. So tell us what you like, tell 226 00:11:36,200 --> 00:11:38,280 Speaker 1: us what you don't like, and I will talk to 227 00:11:38,280 --> 00:11:40,079 Speaker 1: you guys again on Monday.