WEBVTT - My Turn: Eugene's History With Bodybuilding 0:00:00.120 --> 0:00:04.480 Can't wait for the next episode to drop. Be one 0:00:04.519 --> 0:00:08.920 of the first to listen to Ozzy Confidential a day 0:00:08.960 --> 0:00:13.160 early only on Himalaya. Go to your app store download Himalaya. 0:00:13.520 --> 0:00:17.840 That's h I M A L A y A, and 0:00:17.880 --> 0:00:27.280 then follow Ozzy Confidential once you're there. I remember a 0:00:27.360 --> 0:00:31.720 girlfriend at the time saying, uh, this blood in your underwear? 0:00:32.200 --> 0:00:36.080 Why her all eyes must have scraped against the nail. 0:01:01.160 --> 0:01:09.160 Welcome to Ozzy. This antion. It's about power, a certain 0:01:09.240 --> 0:01:28.399 kind of megalomaniac pulled toward more more more. Alright, alright, alright, 0:01:28.400 --> 0:01:32.080 So here you are. It's Azzi Confidential. My name is 0:01:32.080 --> 0:01:36.120 Eugeneus Robinson, the host. So we're gonna do something special 0:01:36.920 --> 0:01:40.080 to show you that this is an actual no holes barred, 0:01:41.480 --> 0:01:45.800 deep dive into stories that are untold, unheard. I'm gonna 0:01:45.800 --> 0:01:51.160 do something different. Usually I'm getting other people's stories, but 0:01:51.280 --> 0:01:55.840 for you, special, for you, it's gonna be my story. 0:01:57.040 --> 0:02:00.280 I'm in a band called ox Bowl. A cursory not 0:02:00.360 --> 0:02:03.880 even a cursory glance. Your Internet will tell you that 0:02:03.920 --> 0:02:05.920 if I'm known for anything, it's a certain kind of 0:02:06.120 --> 0:02:09.640 volatility which brings me to a friend John Mitchell, to 0:02:09.639 --> 0:02:12.400 be at the l A Times talking about an article 0:02:12.440 --> 0:02:16.120 I wanted him to write the guys goading me remembering 0:02:16.160 --> 0:02:19.280 when I was fourteen and not nearly as adept at 0:02:19.760 --> 0:02:26.120 handling the reins of volatility as I am now. I remember, 0:02:26.160 --> 0:02:29.680 you lifted weights when you were fourteen, you were you 0:02:29.720 --> 0:02:33.519 were making much progress. And I lifted weights as a hobby. 0:02:33.560 --> 0:02:37.000 But I competed right then, and my first competition New 0:02:37.080 --> 0:02:42.040 York was National Gym Association Teenage, uh New York, mr 0:02:42.120 --> 0:02:45.240 Teenage New York. When I started to go through puberty 0:02:45.520 --> 0:02:47.560 and you know some guys, oh, I was so horny 0:02:47.560 --> 0:02:49.600 all the time. That wasn't the issue for me. The 0:02:49.680 --> 0:02:54.080 issue for me was this really weird kind of sense overpowering, 0:02:54.160 --> 0:03:02.080 testosterone fueled sense of invulnerability. I think they call it 0:03:02.120 --> 0:03:05.120 a hysteria patio standing. I grew up in New York, 0:03:05.160 --> 0:03:08.040 so standing on the subway platform and as a train 0:03:08.120 --> 0:03:11.040 started to come in, I started to have this increasing 0:03:11.080 --> 0:03:14.440 obsession combined with standing on the edge of the platform, 0:03:14.480 --> 0:03:16.520 that I could throw myself in front of the train 0:03:17.840 --> 0:03:21.800 and physically stop the train that I had I had 0:03:21.840 --> 0:03:25.799 through my weightlifting ministrations, and I had developed enough physical 0:03:25.880 --> 0:03:29.920 power to actually now trains come through the station's express 0:03:29.960 --> 0:03:33.960 train speeding. I knew I couldn't stop a speeding subway train, 0:03:34.280 --> 0:03:36.280 but as it as it cruises to a stop or 0:03:36.360 --> 0:03:39.320 starts up, I was convinced, and I actually had to 0:03:39.360 --> 0:03:42.600 force myself to stand back from the edge of the platform, 0:03:42.680 --> 0:03:46.840 so that it was a very strange, weird like Octave 0:03:46.880 --> 0:03:51.119 Mirbau and the Torture Guarden talking about these overpowering obsessions compelling. 0:03:51.320 --> 0:03:58.120 It was like that, based on what I know now 0:03:58.120 --> 0:04:01.880 about testosterone, I was probably peaking, and then I started 0:04:01.880 --> 0:04:04.440 lifting weights harder, and I probably just leveled it out. 0:04:04.560 --> 0:04:07.640 I didn't have that continued obsession with throwing myself in 0:04:07.680 --> 0:04:10.680 front of the train beyond my senior year. But of 0:04:10.720 --> 0:04:15.240 course I left New York and then um I came 0:04:15.280 --> 0:04:19.520 out to California and I went to Stanford. But I 0:04:19.600 --> 0:04:21.840 didn't compete at all during Stanford. I started lifting after 0:04:21.880 --> 0:04:25.400 Stanford seriously and started competing again after I was doing 0:04:25.400 --> 0:04:29.080 insane things. I remember I was big into glandular extracts. 0:04:30.040 --> 0:04:32.280 I don't know where they got them. I don't know 0:04:32.360 --> 0:04:34.120 what was in those pills. You could get them at 0:04:34.120 --> 0:04:38.440 health food stores. I remember feeling dizzy a lot. The 0:04:38.520 --> 0:04:40.960 idea was that you had to you had to make gains. 0:04:41.000 --> 0:04:44.160 It was, you know, it was a burgeoning supplement industry, 0:04:44.240 --> 0:04:47.840 and pumping iron had come out late seventies, and you know, 0:04:47.960 --> 0:04:51.400 nobody had figured out at least two was seventeen or eighteen, 0:04:51.440 --> 0:04:54.200 like I was, had figured out that probably it wasn't 0:04:54.240 --> 0:04:56.599 just supplements that got them there. There hadn't been a 0:04:56.640 --> 0:05:02.360 lot of high profile, well publicized bust four performance enhancing. 0:05:03.480 --> 0:05:07.919 I was a purist for so long that um that 0:05:08.040 --> 0:05:10.320 it always feels kind of strange for me to talk 0:05:10.360 --> 0:05:12.839 about steroids, which is what we're talking about. I was 0:05:12.880 --> 0:05:15.359 surrounded by them when I was training in Brooklyn. I 0:05:15.400 --> 0:05:19.240 was surrounded by them at my gym in California. I 0:05:19.320 --> 0:05:22.080 trained down at Venice Golds. It was, I mean, I 0:05:22.240 --> 0:05:25.680 figured out by the time I'd hit my twenties that 0:05:25.960 --> 0:05:28.960 Arnold and all the pro body builders were taking stuff. 0:05:29.080 --> 0:05:30.960 Fell in love with the with the weight training, or 0:05:30.960 --> 0:05:33.520 with the feeling of being strong and being big and 0:05:33.560 --> 0:05:35.800 all that, and I wanted to win Mr. Union was 0:05:36.080 --> 0:05:38.960 I wasn't interested, not at all, not at all interested. 0:05:39.279 --> 0:05:41.359 And then something strange happened. I competed in the in 0:05:41.400 --> 0:05:46.000 the Mr. California. Uh natural right. It was supposed to 0:05:46.000 --> 0:05:49.160 be a non steroid aided show, which was comically not. 0:05:49.560 --> 0:05:52.160 I finished last but prior to that, some friends and 0:05:52.200 --> 0:05:53.960 we're gonna be in San Diego. You're gonna be close 0:05:54.000 --> 0:05:56.320 to Juanna, go across the border and get us some stuff. 0:05:56.400 --> 0:05:57.960 So they gave me a bunch of money and they 0:05:57.960 --> 0:06:01.120 gave me a laundry list because you could legally steroids there, 0:06:01.320 --> 0:06:05.400 and so the show was drug tested, but it was 0:06:05.480 --> 0:06:09.480 a polygraph. So as I'm sitting there in some kind 0:06:09.520 --> 0:06:12.280 of like Abu Grab type room in San Diego with 0:06:12.320 --> 0:06:15.120 the Athletic Commission, I have a Fannie pack full of 0:06:15.200 --> 0:06:17.400 these steroids which I had no intention of taking, and 0:06:17.440 --> 0:06:19.000 they're asking me if I had ever taken them, and 0:06:19.040 --> 0:06:21.919 technically I had not taken them, right, so um, I 0:06:22.040 --> 0:06:25.880 answered and passed the polygraph. Um. But something about coming 0:06:25.920 --> 0:06:29.039 in last place, I don't say it unseated me. But 0:06:29.080 --> 0:06:31.159 I started to think about the long view, and I go, 0:06:31.320 --> 0:06:34.440 you know, some of these guys, they're gonna be gone tomorrow. 0:06:34.880 --> 0:06:37.120 You know I'm a lifer. I'll be lifted. I've been 0:06:37.120 --> 0:06:39.440 lifting weight since I was nine years old. I'll be 0:06:39.480 --> 0:06:44.120 lifting in when I'm it's gonna be a lifelong thing. 0:06:44.600 --> 0:06:47.320 So steroids, what seems to be like a quick gain 0:06:47.400 --> 0:06:53.000 for some people, could be mixed in like a healthier supplement. 0:06:53.520 --> 0:06:56.320 And on the drive back from San Diego started to 0:06:56.320 --> 0:06:59.640 have these thoughts, and I and because I'm a hopeless 0:06:59.680 --> 0:07:02.440 and researcher, keep in mind, this is well in advance 0:07:02.520 --> 0:07:05.680 of any Internet. I worked at a defense company then 0:07:05.720 --> 0:07:09.000 and went into the Lexus Nexus network, which was part 0:07:09.000 --> 0:07:12.480 of the Darker Thing, and did all this research on steroids, 0:07:12.520 --> 0:07:14.440 and I developed like you talked about mid Romney. I 0:07:14.440 --> 0:07:18.120 developed a folder binders full of women, a steroid research folder, 0:07:18.120 --> 0:07:21.480 which I still have to this day, And and made 0:07:21.520 --> 0:07:24.800 what I thought was informed decision that I was going 0:07:24.840 --> 0:07:30.200 to take steroids. I had been a purist for so 0:07:30.280 --> 0:07:33.120 long that I didn't want to be publicly identified as 0:07:33.120 --> 0:07:36.160 a guy who used. I was initially I wasn't ready 0:07:36.200 --> 0:07:38.280 for that yet. It's weird. Well, I could like like 0:07:38.320 --> 0:07:41.800 why who would care? I was surrounded by but that 0:07:41.880 --> 0:07:44.120 became my thing, Like I was the guy, like a 0:07:44.160 --> 0:07:46.280 guy who wouldn't. And in the punk rock community, straight 0:07:46.360 --> 0:07:55.960 edge was a thing, not drugs. Straight clear mind that 0:07:56.000 --> 0:07:58.480 I was going to do this thing. You know. Part 0:07:58.520 --> 0:08:00.760 of one wanting to be kind of sold vot about 0:08:00.800 --> 0:08:02.960 it was that I would I would do it myself. 0:08:03.000 --> 0:08:06.120 And keep in mind, it's not the needles that you 0:08:06.240 --> 0:08:10.080 use for steroids or entry. I am needles intromuscular there 0:08:10.160 --> 0:08:15.680 eighteen to gauge. They're really giant needles. There's a catch, right, 0:08:16.560 --> 0:08:19.960 and the catches that you have to inject it into 0:08:19.960 --> 0:08:22.840 a muscle, So it has to be a large muscle grouping. Now, 0:08:22.880 --> 0:08:26.040 I know guys who shot themselves in the quadra set 0:08:27.080 --> 0:08:29.120 and but these are guys who had already used and 0:08:29.120 --> 0:08:31.120 were big and had lots of muscle around the knee 0:08:31.720 --> 0:08:35.760 um or the thigh, and somehow couldn't do that. Um. 0:08:36.120 --> 0:08:39.240 But the most common was the buttocks. But it's hard 0:08:39.280 --> 0:08:42.800 to turn and do and see if you're alone. But 0:08:42.920 --> 0:08:45.320 I just decided that was going to be the best place. 0:08:45.840 --> 0:08:52.040 And um, I remember a girlfriend at the time saying, uh, 0:08:52.160 --> 0:08:56.000 this blood in your underwear. Why go oh, eyes must 0:08:56.040 --> 0:08:59.280 just scraped against the nail. But you know, I mean, 0:08:59.360 --> 0:09:02.480 at that point, I still was in denial sort of 0:09:02.520 --> 0:09:05.560 about wanting to publicly be identified as a steroid user. 0:09:05.679 --> 0:09:12.120 And we're talking now eighties eight eight. And I know 0:09:12.240 --> 0:09:14.839 this because I was in the worst movie of eight seven, 0:09:14.920 --> 0:09:18.400 Leonard Part six, with a bunch of bodybuilders who were 0:09:18.520 --> 0:09:20.720 using and wouldn't talk to me about it because they 0:09:20.800 --> 0:09:23.400 knew it's a kid. Don't do what I did. Do 0:09:23.440 --> 0:09:26.520 what I say to fly the straight and narrow, And 0:09:26.600 --> 0:09:29.800 those guys, all to varying degrees, ended up having not 0:09:29.880 --> 0:09:31.880 all of them, some of them ended up having serious 0:09:31.920 --> 0:09:37.480 problems connected to what some would say we're personality deformations 0:09:37.480 --> 0:09:40.400 that came as a result of steroids. You're walking along, 0:09:40.520 --> 0:09:42.199 you see a guy in the hole. You go, oh 0:09:42.200 --> 0:09:44.400 my god, how did you get in that hole? And 0:09:44.440 --> 0:09:45.960 the guy goes, well, I put my hand on that 0:09:46.040 --> 0:09:48.480 branch there, and you go, what branch? This branch and 0:09:48.559 --> 0:09:50.440 you put your hand on that branch, goes yeah, And 0:09:50.440 --> 0:09:52.120 I put my other foot on that other branch. You 0:09:52.240 --> 0:09:54.600 what this foot? Yeah? And I jumped up and down 0:09:54.679 --> 0:09:57.280 really hard, really and then what you know, and then 0:09:57.320 --> 0:09:58.960 you fall and you're in the hole next to the guy, 0:09:59.120 --> 0:10:01.680 you know, and that's you. Just you have to realize 0:10:01.679 --> 0:10:04.680 that there's certain things. And I've recognized the cycle now 0:10:04.720 --> 0:10:06.760 with younger people have come up to me and start 0:10:06.800 --> 0:10:09.520 talking to me about, yeah, boy, I would. I don't 0:10:09.520 --> 0:10:12.640 think I would ever do steroids, And that's always that's 0:10:12.679 --> 0:10:15.000 always a poker tell I don't think. You don't think 0:10:15.040 --> 0:10:18.080 you would ever? Really that means you think you would ever. 0:10:19.000 --> 0:10:21.640 So I went through the same you know, it's probably 0:10:21.800 --> 0:10:25.840 the life cycle of a story user denial and uh, 0:10:26.040 --> 0:10:28.440 knowing it's not good and then figuring, you know, if 0:10:28.440 --> 0:10:30.360 the science were faster on this, this would just be 0:10:30.440 --> 0:10:34.760 another supplement in the rational and then of course taking it. 0:10:35.080 --> 0:10:37.840 And once you take it, your advantage point is no 0:10:37.960 --> 0:10:44.680 longer reasonably trustworthy. Because one thing that nobody ever talks 0:10:44.679 --> 0:10:49.160 about when they talk about steroids, about how fucking great 0:10:49.200 --> 0:10:53.160 they make you feel, they don't want to talk about 0:10:53.240 --> 0:10:55.000 the fact that one of the things that was so 0:10:55.080 --> 0:10:57.439 compelling about it was that on the at least on 0:10:57.480 --> 0:11:02.160 the upward portion of your cycle, you feel like superman 0:11:06.320 --> 0:11:08.880 mental acuity through the roof. I mean, if you're prone 0:11:08.920 --> 0:11:13.440 to being creative, super creative, um, four hours of sleep 0:11:13.440 --> 0:11:18.080 at night, no refractory period, you could you know lots, 0:11:18.200 --> 0:11:20.959 I mean, and you just good natured. And people said, well, 0:11:20.960 --> 0:11:24.240 what about the royal rage. I personally think it's like alcohol. 0:11:24.240 --> 0:11:27.480 It magnifies you know they're bad drunks, but these are 0:11:27.520 --> 0:11:29.800 kind of bad people. It magnifies who it is that 0:11:29.840 --> 0:11:32.080 you are. It's on the down portion of your cycle 0:11:32.080 --> 0:11:33.960 where you start to have weirdness, but on the up 0:11:33.960 --> 0:11:39.240 portion it was it was absolutely fantastic. First week. You 0:11:39.240 --> 0:11:42.000 would have a regime of half a c C maybe 0:11:42.040 --> 0:11:44.880 some orals pills that would go with it. You would decide. 0:11:45.240 --> 0:11:48.079 My personal favorite was one called Sustana, which was a 0:11:48.160 --> 0:11:51.880 mix of four testosteronies, approprianate and mathate, and I can't 0:11:51.920 --> 0:11:54.120 remember the other two. And the pills I decided were 0:11:54.240 --> 0:11:56.800 not only worthless but bad for you because your liver 0:11:56.840 --> 0:11:59.559 attempts to metabolize them all at once, whereas the objectible 0:11:59.600 --> 0:12:01.640 it pass just a liver several times, so it's not 0:12:01.720 --> 0:12:03.200 as hard on your liver, which is one of the 0:12:03.200 --> 0:12:05.679 big problems. We too would be like one c C 0:12:06.080 --> 0:12:08.960 right and no pills. There's sometimes people would combine it 0:12:09.000 --> 0:12:12.559 with bills if you had good ones, like Anna Bar 0:12:12.840 --> 0:12:15.000 was a good strength pill I remember, and I was 0:12:15.040 --> 0:12:17.120 taking this one called Deck of the Roblin, which was 0:12:17.160 --> 0:12:19.800 supposed to be one of the healthiest, safest as these 0:12:19.800 --> 0:12:23.320 things go. Steroids ever but again, nobody tells you about 0:12:23.320 --> 0:12:26.320 the head game. They don't mention that ever, ever, ever, ever, 0:12:26.600 --> 0:12:28.880 unless they're talking about it in the negative. I mean, 0:12:28.920 --> 0:12:30.480 the thing is, it's like, if you've ever watched a 0:12:30.520 --> 0:12:33.680 movie the Invisible Man. The chemical makes them invisible, but 0:12:33.760 --> 0:12:39.480 it also makes them crazy. I realized the part to 0:12:39.600 --> 0:12:45.040 make the world corp, you'll know who the invisible man. 0:12:45.200 --> 0:12:48.200 So all of a sudden, I hearkened back to that 0:12:48.480 --> 0:12:51.200 subway thing, and I remember that I had written an 0:12:51.240 --> 0:12:54.480 article about a bodybuilder out in Sheep's at Bay who, 0:12:54.520 --> 0:12:59.720 in the midst of this kind of meglomaniacal steroid thing, 0:13:00.440 --> 0:13:03.200 had convinced himself that he could stop a car like 0:13:03.320 --> 0:13:06.200 me with a train, except he had a bunch of enablers, 0:13:06.200 --> 0:13:08.720 and all these guys were all taking steroids in the 0:13:08.760 --> 0:13:12.000 common parlance juicing, and they follow him. He goes, I'm 0:13:12.240 --> 0:13:13.920 I can stop a car, and they go out to 0:13:14.120 --> 0:13:17.240 whatever that is, the highway that sneaks through Sheeps had 0:13:17.240 --> 0:13:20.200 Babe b Qui or something like that, and they sat 0:13:20.240 --> 0:13:23.120 on the guardrail and he waited, and he jumped out 0:13:23.120 --> 0:13:25.920 into the lane in front of a car. And technically, 0:13:26.600 --> 0:13:29.040 if you want to be philosophically consistent. He did stop. 0:13:29.080 --> 0:13:31.160 The car broke both arms and broke a leg and 0:13:31.240 --> 0:13:35.120 was hospitalized. But that car did stop, not the way 0:13:35.160 --> 0:13:38.640 he thought, you know. And uh, so I remember that 0:13:38.679 --> 0:13:42.160 there had been stories about guys who had gotten ill, 0:13:42.200 --> 0:13:44.240 but most of the people who got badly hurt on 0:13:44.280 --> 0:13:47.839 steroids were from other things. It was like from diuretics 0:13:47.880 --> 0:13:52.640 to lose water weight during the contest. Uh I uh, 0:13:52.720 --> 0:13:54.480 and I figured these guys were just doing it wrong. 0:13:55.240 --> 0:13:59.439 Stitch Fix is an online personal styling service that finds 0:13:59.480 --> 0:14:03.200 and deliver her his clothes, shoes, and accessories to fit 0:14:03.280 --> 0:14:06.640 your body, budget, and lifestyle. Just go to stitch fix 0:14:06.760 --> 0:14:10.240 dot com slash azzi that's o z y and tell 0:14:10.280 --> 0:14:13.240 them your sizes, what styles you like, and how much 0:14:13.240 --> 0:14:15.640 you want to spend on each item. You'll be paired 0:14:15.679 --> 0:14:18.720 with your very own personal stylist who will hand pick 0:14:18.880 --> 0:14:22.000 five items to send right to your door. Then you 0:14:22.040 --> 0:14:24.400 try them on, pay only for what you love and 0:14:24.480 --> 0:14:29.120 return the rest. Shipping, exchanges and returns always free. 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I had one Royd rage moment 0:15:05.320 --> 0:15:08.120 where I had in these multiple cans of protein powder 0:15:08.160 --> 0:15:10.720 because you're taking tons of protein, and I had this 0:15:10.760 --> 0:15:13.320 old fashioned can openers, so it left a really jagged 0:15:13.360 --> 0:15:15.200 line on the inside of a can. And the dog, 0:15:15.320 --> 0:15:18.360 had had a big master at the time, had shouldered 0:15:18.360 --> 0:15:20.680 his way into the house and I just started screaming him, 0:15:20.680 --> 0:15:23.600 and I threw the can at him and and they 0:15:23.920 --> 0:15:28.280 cut through all four of my fingers, and which was 0:15:28.320 --> 0:15:31.960 a real problem one I didn't like abusing my dog too. 0:15:32.720 --> 0:15:34.640 Now that I had my fingers almost cut to the bone, 0:15:34.720 --> 0:15:38.000 it was gonna it was gonna bite into my lifting time. 0:15:38.000 --> 0:15:41.000 Would you become pathological about your lifting time? Because if 0:15:41.000 --> 0:15:43.600 you're taking steroids and not lifting, it's like money out 0:15:43.640 --> 0:15:47.480 the window in your in the steroid adult state. And 0:15:47.680 --> 0:15:49.840 uh so, I said, look, I need to control myself. 0:15:49.840 --> 0:15:51.760 I can't be one of those guys, you know, I 0:15:51.840 --> 0:15:53.640 knew guys like that that that I couldn't be one 0:15:53.640 --> 0:16:02.920 of those guys, and so um, but what was happening is, um, well, 0:16:02.960 --> 0:16:05.680 what's happening is but what was that thing that Tyson 0:16:05.720 --> 0:16:07.840 says about everybody's got a plan until they get punched 0:16:07.840 --> 0:16:10.120 in the face. I literally got punched in the face 0:16:10.160 --> 0:16:12.520 by steroids. I didn't account on the fact, and there 0:16:12.600 --> 0:16:15.200 was nothing in the source material that says, once you 0:16:15.240 --> 0:16:17.720 take half a c C and one c C and 0:16:17.800 --> 0:16:21.240 to CC, your ability to cap it at two and 0:16:21.240 --> 0:16:24.800 a half CC is gonna be non existent. Moreover, you're 0:16:24.800 --> 0:16:27.440 gonna want to go, well, if two and a half 0:16:27.480 --> 0:16:29.920 CEC is to maybe three and a half CC, what 0:16:30.000 --> 0:16:33.840 about four? What about five? What about six? I mean, 0:16:35.000 --> 0:16:37.400 you know this. I don't want to even say this 0:16:37.480 --> 0:16:39.600 is a worldwide phenomena, but it seems to me a 0:16:39.600 --> 0:16:44.160 particularly Western thing of just more, bigger, more, And so 0:16:44.280 --> 0:16:49.480 I ended up. I remember trying to crazy glue together too. 0:16:49.680 --> 0:16:53.720 I am the bodies of the syringes of tubes so 0:16:53.800 --> 0:16:56.200 that I could fit more rather than take two separate shots, 0:16:56.200 --> 0:16:59.200 which I'd have to sacrifice the actual needle part I 0:16:59.240 --> 0:17:01.960 was trying to craze. He glued together two stems so 0:17:02.000 --> 0:17:04.200 I could have a super long needle and get six 0:17:04.280 --> 0:17:09.720 ccs UM. I didn't have enough insight at that time 0:17:09.840 --> 0:17:15.399 to realize that UM deviating from the plan was going 0:17:15.440 --> 0:17:20.639 to be problematical for me. But he used to be 0:17:20.720 --> 0:17:23.640 a TV show called a six million Dollar Man, and 0:17:23.760 --> 0:17:26.440 he had like a bionic leg and a bionic arm, 0:17:26.440 --> 0:17:28.119 and he would do all these amazing things, like he 0:17:28.119 --> 0:17:31.440 could run sixty miles an hour. But they never dealt 0:17:31.480 --> 0:17:34.600 with the issue of what happens to the non bionic 0:17:34.680 --> 0:17:38.040 leg if the bionic leg is running sixty miles an hour. Right, 0:17:38.400 --> 0:17:41.280 And this is where I was. My body was used 0:17:41.320 --> 0:17:43.439 to get in these chemicals that was making it do 0:17:43.600 --> 0:17:48.919 phenomenal things. I was deadlifting over six pounds. I had 0:17:48.960 --> 0:17:51.680 gone from a body weight of one to sixty five. 0:17:53.000 --> 0:17:57.120 I was bench pressing three fifteen that's three forty five 0:17:57.160 --> 0:17:59.359 pound reps and a forty five pound bar in the middle, 0:18:00.160 --> 0:18:03.000 close grip, benching for eight to ten as a warm up, 0:18:03.440 --> 0:18:07.680 squatting almost five pounds. I was a really big, strong guy. 0:18:08.200 --> 0:18:09.840 But of course they you've heard about it. They talked 0:18:09.880 --> 0:18:12.520 about a weird dysmorphia. I had no sense of how 0:18:12.520 --> 0:18:14.359 big I was really. I just knew I wanted to 0:18:14.359 --> 0:18:16.320 get to three hundred pounds. That's what I wanted to do. 0:18:16.880 --> 0:18:19.760 And if it was four ccs or five ccs or 0:18:19.760 --> 0:18:22.000 six c cs at that point, that's what I was 0:18:22.000 --> 0:18:25.399 gonna do. And then I have a weird relationship with 0:18:25.440 --> 0:18:28.560 my father. We only talked once since I turned nineteen, 0:18:28.840 --> 0:18:31.919 and he came out to talk to me. Maybe I 0:18:31.960 --> 0:18:35.640 was thirty at that point, twenty nine or something, and 0:18:36.000 --> 0:18:38.919 he I said, look, I'm not breaking my schedule for you. 0:18:39.000 --> 0:18:40.560 I got stuff to do, because well, what do you 0:18:40.560 --> 0:18:41.919 want to So I'm going to the gym. Come with 0:18:41.960 --> 0:18:43.399 me to the gym. We can talk while we're at 0:18:43.400 --> 0:18:46.920 the gym. He was flying through or something, and we're 0:18:46.920 --> 0:18:49.200 gonna work out together. And it was just this great 0:18:49.240 --> 0:18:53.040 moment where I had a completely soured on the prospect 0:18:53.080 --> 0:18:55.400 of having a father, but even though we had had problems. 0:18:56.440 --> 0:19:00.320 And so we go to the bench press and uh, 0:19:00.359 --> 0:19:06.120 I put one fifteen pounds and he's like, I said, 0:19:06.480 --> 0:19:08.560 he goes, I can't do I said, yeah, I know 0:19:08.640 --> 0:19:11.440 you can't do it. It's for me he goes, well, 0:19:11.640 --> 0:19:14.119 I can't spy you. I got just standing here. Just 0:19:14.760 --> 0:19:16.719 I don't I don't need you. So you measure your 0:19:16.720 --> 0:19:19.479 hands out from the ends of the plates. And usually 0:19:19.480 --> 0:19:21.560 when you do a bench press, you hold your arms 0:19:21.560 --> 0:19:22.960 like you're doing a push up, so your arms are 0:19:23.000 --> 0:19:26.199 shoulder with the fart. They're pretty wide. But I measure 0:19:26.200 --> 0:19:28.480 it out, and then I measured it again so that 0:19:28.600 --> 0:19:30.880 now my thumbs are touching in the middle, and I'm 0:19:30.880 --> 0:19:34.920 doing what you call a close script bench press. Most 0:19:34.960 --> 0:19:38.560 people can't bench press three d and fifteen pounds anyway 0:19:38.920 --> 0:19:41.119 close grip where your your wrist ben at the middle 0:19:41.160 --> 0:19:43.919 and your your your hands are only thumbs with apart. 0:19:44.760 --> 0:19:47.119 It's incredibly hard. And I loaded it to my chest 0:19:47.119 --> 0:19:49.160 and I can and I'm watching him from the bench. 0:19:49.280 --> 0:19:51.639 He's looking down at me, and I'm watching him and 0:19:51.680 --> 0:19:54.760 where eye contact. And as I get down to my chest, 0:19:54.800 --> 0:19:58.200 I pause, and then I knock out eight to nine 0:19:58.280 --> 0:20:03.520 rips and just looking at him. And as I finished, 0:20:03.600 --> 0:20:05.720 I hold it at the top and I go, you 0:20:05.760 --> 0:20:08.600 can just guide it back in, and so he pulls 0:20:08.600 --> 0:20:11.240 it back to two inches into the into the upright 0:20:11.280 --> 0:20:16.439 struts that hold it and uh, he goes, I stand up, 0:20:16.440 --> 0:20:18.119 and I'm still looking at him. I stand up and 0:20:18.160 --> 0:20:22.199 he goes, I can't do this. I got I know, 0:20:22.320 --> 0:20:24.960 let's take off some weight for you. And it was 0:20:25.000 --> 0:20:30.400 a great kind of inversion inversion moment. Uh. And then 0:20:30.400 --> 0:20:32.240 of course we went back to never speaking to each 0:20:32.240 --> 0:20:33.840 other again. So that was the last time I spoke 0:20:33.880 --> 0:20:41.639 to him. You know, if if you grew up on 0:20:41.920 --> 0:20:45.080 ABC after school specials, you might think that that was 0:20:45.520 --> 0:20:48.919 a good moment, But that was that was a steroid 0:20:49.040 --> 0:20:53.280 fuel moment of rage, you know. And what I was 0:20:53.320 --> 0:21:00.000 hoping was transmitted in that moment was old man, you'd 0:21:00.000 --> 0:21:03.680 don't have a chance, you know, or like the line 0:21:03.720 --> 0:21:06.919 from Cape Fear, you know, I can outthink you. I 0:21:06.960 --> 0:21:10.719 cannot fight you. I can out you know, lift you, 0:21:10.840 --> 0:21:14.879 and outrage you. I can out thank you, and I 0:21:15.000 --> 0:21:19.280 can out philosophy. I have exceeded you in every way. 0:21:19.600 --> 0:21:24.119 It wasn't a general good sign of mental health, but 0:21:24.440 --> 0:21:28.000 it was in terms of my personal development probably a 0:21:28.119 --> 0:21:31.959 really good sign. I was getting over wanting to be 0:21:32.000 --> 0:21:37.879 a son. Uh God, this is the part where I'm 0:21:37.880 --> 0:21:41.200 supposed to be really candid to encourage others to be candid. 0:21:41.720 --> 0:21:46.520 But I remember the girlfriend I had at the time. 0:21:47.359 --> 0:21:52.760 There was a resistance to telling her because not only 0:21:52.960 --> 0:21:57.280 was your athletic performance through the roof, but sexual performance 0:21:57.480 --> 0:22:00.560 also through the roof. It's so cheesy, it's you know. 0:22:00.720 --> 0:22:03.160 I asked one of my body build a friends. I go, hey, 0:22:03.400 --> 0:22:05.399 do you let people know that you're on it? Do 0:22:05.480 --> 0:22:07.320 you just let them think you're this way always? He 0:22:07.440 --> 0:22:10.640 was like, I'm this way always because I'm always on, 0:22:10.760 --> 0:22:13.040 And I go, I'm not always on, but I feel 0:22:13.040 --> 0:22:15.320 like I should totally disclose, and he's like, I don't 0:22:15.359 --> 0:22:20.520 do that. So there there were well, there were reasons 0:22:20.560 --> 0:22:24.800 why people were not really looking too hard, like, gee, 0:22:24.840 --> 0:22:28.320 you've gained ten pounds. I mean, everybody saw me taking protein. 0:22:28.840 --> 0:22:30.440 And there was a guy who I knew who was 0:22:30.480 --> 0:22:33.439 on a similar thing, and he asked him once. And 0:22:33.480 --> 0:22:37.199 the weird thing is this is all completely illegal, but 0:22:37.280 --> 0:22:39.399 a large number of people doing it that we worked 0:22:39.400 --> 0:22:42.360 out with we're all cops. So it was a very 0:22:42.400 --> 0:22:45.959 interesting way of I mean, this is prior to Barry 0:22:46.040 --> 0:22:48.880 Bonds and Mark McGuire and the home of the steroid 0:22:48.920 --> 0:22:51.480 era of baseball, and these guys would take a growth 0:22:51.480 --> 0:22:54.760 horm and all this other stuff allegedly, but you had 0:22:54.760 --> 0:22:58.080 this weird detente with cops. So you know this guy 0:22:58.119 --> 0:22:59.879 you know, was a cop, and he goes, you look 0:22:59.920 --> 0:23:03.360 at pretty good. I go, yeah, because game about fifteen 0:23:03.359 --> 0:23:05.920 pounds in the last month and a half. Yeah about that. 0:23:06.520 --> 0:23:08.240 He goes, what do you? What do you? I would 0:23:08.280 --> 0:23:12.640 say cyber genics, and so that became that would became yeah, 0:23:12.760 --> 0:23:16.120 me too, cyber genics too. And there was a thing 0:23:16.119 --> 0:23:19.840