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Speaker 1: Welcome to the ten Minute Storyteller. That's me Bill Simpson,

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Speaker 1: your host, narrator, and author. We hear at the ten

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Speaker 1: minute Storyteller endeavor to entertain you with tall tales or

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Speaker 1: rendered swiftly and with the utmost empathy. We pledge to

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Speaker 1: pack as much entertainment, emotion, and exploration into the human

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Speaker 1: condition as ten minutes will permit mini novels on steroids.

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Speaker 1: This week we meet Joey. Joey is in a bit

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Speaker 1: of a pickle, got himself stuck in the jar with

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Speaker 1: the lids screwed on tight, and he's not at all

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Speaker 1: sure how to extricate himself. It was all fun and

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Speaker 1: good times for a while, well for a very short while,

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Speaker 1: but now not so much. Just a lot of stress

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Speaker 1: and three snot nosed kids. So take a listen and

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Speaker 1: learn how the human race guarantees its survival through procreation.

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Speaker 1: The stupid shit men do? Where to start? Where to

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Speaker 1: begin this tale of domestic woe. Joey thinks he might

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Speaker 1: just be the dumbest sum bitch to ever walk the earth.

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Speaker 1: Beyond stupid, a complete imbecile, dumber than a goddamn hamster.

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Speaker 1: Look at those stupid hamsters. Running around and around and

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Speaker 1: around on their stupid wheel. Look at them, chasing nothing

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Speaker 1: but their own stupid tales. That's me, thinks Joey, stretched

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Speaker 1: out on the sofa with his rotten head cold, surrounded

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Speaker 1: by a bunch of sick, sniveling kids. That's me, running

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Speaker 1: on a stupid fucking wheel. He was a happily married

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Speaker 1: guy once, you know, reasonably happy, as happy as any

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Speaker 1: guy deserves to be. I mean, no guy is perfectly

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Speaker 1: happy being married. It's a job, after all, a twenty

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Speaker 1: four to seven job with a few benefits and a

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Speaker 1: whole lot of bullshit. But if you're gonna have a wife,

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Speaker 1: Becky was the best, very well put together and definitely

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Speaker 1: knew right from wrong, in from out, night from day,

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Speaker 1: Good old Becky shit, always calm, always, unless, of course,

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Speaker 1: Joey did something to piss her off, which he did

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Speaker 1: quite often. But they were very comfy with each other

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Speaker 1: peas in a pod. They knew how to put up

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Speaker 1: with each other's moods and character flaws, and of course

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Speaker 1: they reared up those three kids together, no small chore

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Speaker 1: and incredible emotional and financial feat. Although truth is and

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Speaker 1: Joey knows it. Becky carried most of the load. And

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Speaker 1: then no sooner did the youngest graduate from high school

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Speaker 1: than dumb ass Joey had a fling with the first

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Speaker 1: girl who threw a smile his way. Happened right down

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Speaker 1: the street at the local bistro, some sweet young thing

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Speaker 1: not even thirty, with big blue eyes and a thing

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Speaker 1: for older men. Joey hung around after his buds went

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Speaker 1: home to their wives, chatted her up. They went out

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Speaker 1: to his truck and made out like a couple high

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Speaker 1: school kids right there in the parking lot, and his

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Speaker 1: truck practically disrobed and had at it right there on

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Speaker 1: the big bench seat. But they did hold off until

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Speaker 1: the following afternoon at her apartment up in the hills,

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Speaker 1: where Joey knew no one and no one would recognize

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Speaker 1: Joey's Ford lightning. Well, that fling led to an affair,

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Speaker 1: and every day Joey assured himself he was just sewing

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Speaker 1: his oats, just reassuring himself that he was still a man,

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Speaker 1: that he still had it sex with Becky after all, Well,

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Speaker 1: it had become you know, routine, repetitive humdrum. Sometimes he

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Speaker 1: couldn't even perform, couldn't even get it up. No trouble

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Speaker 1: getting it up for this sweet young thing, no trouble

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Speaker 1: at all. Who kept reminding him, by the way, this

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Speaker 1: sweet young thing, that she wanted more and more of

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Speaker 1: his attention, She demanded more and more of his time.

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Speaker 1: And Becky, well, she grew suspicious all those trips to

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Speaker 1: the gym, sometimes twice a day when he used to

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Speaker 1: go maybe once a week, And Joey lied about it, lied,

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Speaker 1: told her he was getting in shape for a tough mutter. Oh,

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Speaker 1: he lied and lied and lied, told more lies than

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Speaker 1: the United States Senator, and then told more lies to

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Speaker 1: cover up his initial lies. Hold so many lies he

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Speaker 1: couldn't keep them straight. And then the sweet young thing

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Speaker 1: eventually gave Joey the ultimatum, leave your wife and marry

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Speaker 1: me or worth through Now I think we can all agree,

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Speaker 1: Joey right then, and there should have said audios, honey, Cyonara.

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Speaker 1: Of course he should have done that. Any idiot could

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Speaker 1: have figured that out. But the sex, the sex, oh

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Speaker 1: my god, the crazy, reckless, sweaty sex. And then next thing,

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Speaker 1: you know, the sweet young thing god herself prego on

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Speaker 1: purpose or by accident, that depends who you ask. Well,

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Speaker 1: Becky divorced. Joey took him to the cleaners, took the house,

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Speaker 1: the cars, everything, plus four grand a month support four forever,

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Speaker 1: plus three kids in their late teens and early twenties

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Speaker 1: who thought their father was a complete douchebag and vowed

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Speaker 1: to never have anything to do with him ever again.

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Speaker 1: And suddenly, just like that, a snap of a finger,

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Speaker 1: it's seven years later, Joey just had his fifty fifth

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Speaker 1: birthday in attendance his sweet no longer sweet young thing.

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Speaker 1: There three kids, ages six, four, and two, and his

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Speaker 1: new in laws who are only a few years older

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Speaker 1: than Joey. They don't even have Medicare yet. And look

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Speaker 1: at old Joey now, just a few days after his

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Speaker 1: depressing birthday, bash on the couch with a rotten head cold,

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Speaker 1: his six year old brought home from fucking kindergarten headache, cough, congestion,

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Speaker 1: blowing his nose four thousand times a day, You poor thing,

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Speaker 1: Joey's second wife said this morning, without a trace of

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Speaker 1: empathy as she headed out the door. All three kids

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Speaker 1: are sick too, Croop pink eye, maybe fucking COVID. Who

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Speaker 1: knows Joey doesn't know Joey doesn't know Dick anymore, just

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Speaker 1: knows he's screwed up the wazoo. Three sick kids to

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Speaker 1: take care of all day and probably tomorrow and the

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Speaker 1: day after two, plus the dog and the cat and

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Speaker 1: those damn hamsters. Look at the idiots running in circles,

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Speaker 1: spinning in their wheels. Jesus, only one not here. This

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Speaker 1: is no longer sweet young thing. She went back to

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Speaker 1: work a year or so ago. Pharmaceutical sales spends at

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Speaker 1: least a couple nights a week on the road, probably

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Speaker 1: getting hammered by some young buck in some Hampton inn

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Speaker 1: out in Harrisburg. Yeah, I can just imagine it, all things.

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Speaker 1: Poor old Joey, Well, Joey gets up three times a

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Speaker 1: night to pee, what with his urethra pinched almost closed

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Speaker 1: by his prostrate the size of a goddamned cantelope. Can't

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Speaker 1: get a decent erection anymore either, unless he takes a big,

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Speaker 1: fat blue pill. Twice in the last year, he has

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Speaker 1: secretly begged Becky to take him back he has can

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Speaker 1: you believe that? And she just laughs in his face,

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Speaker 1: laughs and laughs. And their kids they don't even talk

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Speaker 1: to him ever, not even a happy birthday dad. He's

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Speaker 1: two year old with the croup. Coughs so long and

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Speaker 1: with such force that she finally pukes right on the sofa,

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Speaker 1: right on Joey's feet. The two older kids laugh. They

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Speaker 1: laugh and laugh and laugh, and Joey, well, he very

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Speaker 1: nearly flips out. If not for the heavy dose of

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Speaker 1: prozacs swimming through his system, he likely would have lost

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Speaker 1: his shit after cleaning up the puke. Yeah, he makes

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Speaker 1: fewd you know, maybe I don't should and maybe I shouldn't.

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Speaker 1: I don't know. But then he calls Becky and he

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Speaker 1: asks her to come over. He tells her he just

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Speaker 1: wants to sit on the sofa like they used to do,

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Speaker 1: watch some bad Netflix movie and talk about their kids,

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Speaker 1: and gossip about their friends and neighbors, maybe rub each

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Speaker 1: other's sore feet and achy necks. Becky says, nobody made

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Speaker 1: you do it, Joey. Nobody made you pull your pants

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Speaker 1: down and your pecker out. Nobody held a gun to

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Speaker 1: your head. I'm gonna put a gun to my head back.

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Speaker 1: I'm gonna blow my brains out, all right, Joey, You've

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Speaker 1: always been so dramatic. Always mountains out of mole hills.

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Speaker 1: Always you at the center of the universe, Joey, Now

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Speaker 1: get off your lazy ass and get those kids something

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Speaker 1: to eat. I can hear their stomachs growling from here. Hey,

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Speaker 1: thanks for listening to this original audio presentation of that

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Speaker 1: stupid shit men do, narrated by the author. If you

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Speaker 1: enjoyed today's story, please take a few seconds to rate, review,

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Speaker 1: and subscribe to this podcast, and then go to Thomas

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Speaker 1: William Simpson dot com for additional information about the author

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Speaker 1: and to view his extensive canon. The Ten Minute Storyteller

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Speaker 1: is produced by Andrew Pliglisi and Josh klani and as

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Speaker 1: part of the Elvis Durand Podcast Network in partnership with

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Speaker 1: iHeart Productions. Until next time, this is Bill Simpson, your

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Speaker 1: ten Minute Storyteller,