1 00:00:01,800 --> 00:00:05,160 Speaker 1: I am Yamla, your host for this journey. I was 2 00:00:05,240 --> 00:00:09,560 Speaker 1: a hopeless love aholic but just could not get my 3 00:00:09,680 --> 00:00:14,120 Speaker 1: love to work. Then, after a series of heartbreaks and 4 00:00:14,360 --> 00:00:19,000 Speaker 1: deep heartache, I finally got clear about what love is 5 00:00:19,120 --> 00:00:22,480 Speaker 1: and what it is not. I want to share some 6 00:00:22,520 --> 00:00:27,639 Speaker 1: of what I've learned about love a holism. Welcome to 7 00:00:27,680 --> 00:00:31,840 Speaker 1: the r Spot, a production of shandaland Audio in partnership 8 00:00:32,000 --> 00:00:47,319 Speaker 1: with iHeartRadio. I used to think that one of the 9 00:00:47,360 --> 00:00:54,800 Speaker 1: most precious, sacred, and challenging relationships was the relationship between 10 00:00:54,800 --> 00:00:58,000 Speaker 1: a mother and a daughter, because so very often the 11 00:00:58,080 --> 00:01:00,800 Speaker 1: mother sees and the daughter things that she doesn't like 12 00:01:00,880 --> 00:01:04,319 Speaker 1: about herself, and the daughter sees in the mother things 13 00:01:04,319 --> 00:01:06,920 Speaker 1: that she never wants to be, and she ends up 14 00:01:06,959 --> 00:01:11,080 Speaker 1: being that way. I mean, I could tell you stories 15 00:01:11,800 --> 00:01:18,000 Speaker 1: about the beauty, the power, the value, the hardships, the challenges, 16 00:01:18,120 --> 00:01:23,280 Speaker 1: the difficulties of the relationship between a mother and a daughter. Woo, 17 00:01:24,920 --> 00:01:31,280 Speaker 1: but baby, let me tell you something. In my wisdom years, 18 00:01:31,800 --> 00:01:38,640 Speaker 1: I have discovered that one of the most precious, fragile, 19 00:01:39,880 --> 00:01:46,080 Speaker 1: and difficult relationships on the planet is the relationship between 20 00:01:46,120 --> 00:01:50,200 Speaker 1: a mother and a son. If you want a first 21 00:01:50,400 --> 00:01:55,040 Speaker 1: class ticket to heartbreak, and crazy. Take a look at 22 00:01:55,040 --> 00:01:59,400 Speaker 1: the relationship between the mother and the son. Because a 23 00:01:59,480 --> 00:02:04,440 Speaker 1: man is who his mother makes him. The king is 24 00:02:04,480 --> 00:02:07,680 Speaker 1: the king not because he sits in the throne, but 25 00:02:07,720 --> 00:02:12,040 Speaker 1: because his mother prepared him, fed him the food, called 26 00:02:12,040 --> 00:02:15,280 Speaker 1: in the right people, let him go, pulled him in, 27 00:02:15,440 --> 00:02:18,360 Speaker 1: did all of the things that prepares him to sit 28 00:02:18,520 --> 00:02:22,440 Speaker 1: in the throne as the king. The mother becomes the 29 00:02:22,480 --> 00:02:27,760 Speaker 1: template that a man uses in his relationships with women. 30 00:02:28,840 --> 00:02:32,919 Speaker 1: And if that template is solid and clear, if it's 31 00:02:33,120 --> 00:02:38,120 Speaker 1: laid with loving care and concern, that man is going 32 00:02:38,200 --> 00:02:43,399 Speaker 1: to have good relationships with women and himself. But when 33 00:02:43,400 --> 00:02:49,200 Speaker 1: there are cracks and tears and fragments in the template 34 00:02:49,680 --> 00:02:54,000 Speaker 1: that a mother uses to grow her son up, baby 35 00:02:54,400 --> 00:02:58,160 Speaker 1: is gonna be rough. And the challenge is that a 36 00:02:58,280 --> 00:03:03,960 Speaker 1: mother's intentions, her best intentions, and her way of being 37 00:03:04,639 --> 00:03:10,160 Speaker 1: is not translated with accuracy into the child's experience. The 38 00:03:10,200 --> 00:03:15,120 Speaker 1: mother will set up parameters and dynamics and situations that 39 00:03:15,200 --> 00:03:19,000 Speaker 1: she thinks will give the child, the son what he needs, 40 00:03:20,080 --> 00:03:24,160 Speaker 1: and he experiences it in a very different way. Why 41 00:03:24,240 --> 00:03:28,560 Speaker 1: because she's feminine and he's masculine. It can be a 42 00:03:28,800 --> 00:03:34,160 Speaker 1: hot mess. And then we think it gets easier. But 43 00:03:34,240 --> 00:03:37,880 Speaker 1: what happens is when that boy child becomes a man, 44 00:03:38,640 --> 00:03:43,320 Speaker 1: the mother has to learn how to parent an adult man. 45 00:03:43,480 --> 00:03:48,000 Speaker 1: And if she's got any issues with men, baby Ah, 46 00:03:49,960 --> 00:03:54,160 Speaker 1: this is the stuff that therapy is made of. So 47 00:03:54,200 --> 00:03:59,160 Speaker 1: there are some things that a mother must consider when 48 00:03:59,200 --> 00:04:03,960 Speaker 1: she's paring her son who is an adult. I mean 49 00:04:04,240 --> 00:04:09,200 Speaker 1: there are issues and challenges with all parents who forget 50 00:04:09,280 --> 00:04:12,880 Speaker 1: that this child has now grown up and become an adult. 51 00:04:12,920 --> 00:04:16,600 Speaker 1: But when it comes to a mother parenting and adult son, 52 00:04:17,240 --> 00:04:19,960 Speaker 1: there are just certain things that have to be taken 53 00:04:20,000 --> 00:04:26,080 Speaker 1: into consideration. I am so grateful for my caller today 54 00:04:26,680 --> 00:04:30,360 Speaker 1: because she's providing us with an opportunity to look at 55 00:04:30,400 --> 00:04:39,200 Speaker 1: some of those things. Here's our call. Greetings beloved, welcome 56 00:04:39,240 --> 00:04:42,760 Speaker 1: to the R spot. And what is your situation, your 57 00:04:43,160 --> 00:04:48,760 Speaker 1: relationship situation that we can talk about, nibbylon and explore today. 58 00:04:49,040 --> 00:04:51,839 Speaker 2: Good morning, is an honor to speak with you, ironic 59 00:04:51,920 --> 00:04:53,719 Speaker 2: with you and I both share the same birthday. 60 00:04:53,880 --> 00:04:56,359 Speaker 1: Oh well, how wonderful That means that we're crazy? 61 00:04:57,200 --> 00:04:58,080 Speaker 2: Please I hope not. 62 00:05:00,480 --> 00:05:04,839 Speaker 1: Oh yeah, we are so don't even hope that a 63 00:05:05,000 --> 00:05:12,680 Speaker 1: Virgo mother. A Virgo mother is a perfectionist, highly critical, judgmental, 64 00:05:13,160 --> 00:05:15,279 Speaker 1: and I say that because I know these things to 65 00:05:15,320 --> 00:05:18,440 Speaker 1: be true about myself. That's not our intention. 66 00:05:19,520 --> 00:05:24,600 Speaker 2: Oh that I accept everything he just said. I completely 67 00:05:24,640 --> 00:05:27,680 Speaker 2: accept that. So you are one hundred percent right. So 68 00:05:27,839 --> 00:05:32,560 Speaker 2: I have a son twenty one years old, adopted. I 69 00:05:32,640 --> 00:05:35,080 Speaker 2: was married at the time, adopted him right before he 70 00:05:35,160 --> 00:05:38,480 Speaker 2: turned three. You know, he was aware of his birth mother, 71 00:05:38,600 --> 00:05:41,720 Speaker 2: so he was no secret. We had pictures, YadA, YadA, YadA. 72 00:05:42,440 --> 00:05:46,920 Speaker 2: His dad and I got separated and divorced in twenty twelve, 73 00:05:47,240 --> 00:05:51,480 Speaker 2: and right after that occurred, his dad immediately moved out 74 00:05:51,560 --> 00:05:54,039 Speaker 2: of state, so that was pretty traumatic for him. But 75 00:05:54,080 --> 00:05:57,320 Speaker 2: I did make sure that they had a relationship where 76 00:05:57,360 --> 00:06:00,240 Speaker 2: I even paid for my son's flights to see his 77 00:06:00,320 --> 00:06:03,720 Speaker 2: father every summer. So again, I did all that I 78 00:06:03,800 --> 00:06:08,120 Speaker 2: could do to keep him tied to his dad. Right now, 79 00:06:08,160 --> 00:06:11,479 Speaker 2: we're in a very very gainful place, and I just 80 00:06:11,520 --> 00:06:14,640 Speaker 2: don't know how to process it having just this one child. 81 00:06:14,680 --> 00:06:18,160 Speaker 2: He's twenty one. I did get remarried about two and 82 00:06:18,160 --> 00:06:21,599 Speaker 2: a half years ago. The gentleman and I dated for 83 00:06:21,720 --> 00:06:26,000 Speaker 2: about six seven years. We did not move in together 84 00:06:26,680 --> 00:06:29,400 Speaker 2: because I wanted to make sure that my son knew 85 00:06:29,440 --> 00:06:32,120 Speaker 2: that he had my attention, but we did date and 86 00:06:32,200 --> 00:06:34,679 Speaker 2: my son was a part of that. The guy would 87 00:06:34,680 --> 00:06:39,040 Speaker 2: come over, we would do things together. My current husband 88 00:06:39,040 --> 00:06:42,160 Speaker 2: has two older sons, a little bit older than my son, 89 00:06:42,520 --> 00:06:44,720 Speaker 2: and we did do things as a group. He went 90 00:06:44,760 --> 00:06:47,400 Speaker 2: to all my son's games, He took my son to practice, 91 00:06:47,400 --> 00:06:50,359 Speaker 2: so he was a pretty active part of my son's life. 92 00:06:50,360 --> 00:06:54,719 Speaker 2: Once he moved in, things did kind of go south. 93 00:06:54,800 --> 00:06:58,840 Speaker 2: He moved in a year before we got married. We 94 00:06:58,880 --> 00:07:02,120 Speaker 2: moved into a brand play so he did not move 95 00:07:02,160 --> 00:07:06,120 Speaker 2: into my son's home. We moved into a brand new 96 00:07:06,200 --> 00:07:10,800 Speaker 2: place and from there it went downwards where my son 97 00:07:10,880 --> 00:07:14,200 Speaker 2: I think he just had trouble accepting this person in 98 00:07:14,400 --> 00:07:18,120 Speaker 2: our homes. He did have the type of father that 99 00:07:18,640 --> 00:07:23,000 Speaker 2: was very negative. Don't listen to this man. He's not 100 00:07:23,160 --> 00:07:25,920 Speaker 2: your father. So I think that played into my son's 101 00:07:26,120 --> 00:07:30,080 Speaker 2: mental capacity. And now we're at a place where he's 102 00:07:30,120 --> 00:07:33,440 Speaker 2: almost I shouldn't say almost, he's abusive toward me. I've 103 00:07:33,440 --> 00:07:36,120 Speaker 2: reached out my hand. He doesn't come over. I haven't 104 00:07:36,120 --> 00:07:40,440 Speaker 2: seen him in a year. Holidays come and go, Mother's Day. 105 00:07:40,520 --> 00:07:42,760 Speaker 2: I get the calls and the text of hey Mom, yeah, 106 00:07:42,760 --> 00:07:44,600 Speaker 2: I'm gonna come and see you. Yeah, you know I'll 107 00:07:44,640 --> 00:07:48,360 Speaker 2: come and see you. He completely goes ghost on me, 108 00:07:49,040 --> 00:07:52,320 Speaker 2: and his texts to go from zero to one hundred 109 00:07:53,040 --> 00:07:56,040 Speaker 2: real quick. And I'm just at the point now where 110 00:07:56,040 --> 00:07:59,760 Speaker 2: it's like when his name pops up, I get tense, 111 00:08:00,560 --> 00:08:03,080 Speaker 2: my stomach goes flip flop, and I just need to 112 00:08:03,080 --> 00:08:05,840 Speaker 2: figure out how do I, for lack of a better term, 113 00:08:05,880 --> 00:08:08,520 Speaker 2: I have to cut him off, just for my peace. 114 00:08:11,240 --> 00:08:13,120 Speaker 1: Talk to me about your sadness. 115 00:08:13,320 --> 00:08:18,120 Speaker 2: Mom. Oh, the sadness is immense because you know, in 116 00:08:18,160 --> 00:08:20,800 Speaker 2: this world of social media, you see all of your 117 00:08:20,840 --> 00:08:24,160 Speaker 2: friends have kids that are older and they're able to 118 00:08:24,240 --> 00:08:28,720 Speaker 2: do things. You know, Holidays are wrenching for me because, 119 00:08:28,760 --> 00:08:31,080 Speaker 2: like I said, I've got a great husband that has 120 00:08:31,160 --> 00:08:35,280 Speaker 2: two older kids, both in grad school. They call their 121 00:08:35,360 --> 00:08:39,200 Speaker 2: dad constantly. They make the time, they'll text him and say, hey, 122 00:08:39,240 --> 00:08:41,200 Speaker 2: we want to come and see we haven't seen you. 123 00:08:41,760 --> 00:08:46,640 Speaker 2: So it's as a mom having one child and holidays 124 00:08:47,040 --> 00:08:49,400 Speaker 2: are so painful. But you have to keep it in 125 00:08:49,480 --> 00:08:52,760 Speaker 2: because you don't want to seem like you're hating on 126 00:08:52,960 --> 00:08:56,560 Speaker 2: those that have the blessing of a kid that wants 127 00:08:56,600 --> 00:08:58,040 Speaker 2: to be around them. 128 00:08:58,720 --> 00:09:01,320 Speaker 1: Well not. You have to keep it in. I have 129 00:09:01,400 --> 00:09:03,120 Speaker 1: to keep it in own your pain. 130 00:09:03,480 --> 00:09:05,840 Speaker 2: Yeah, I have to keep it in because I don't 131 00:09:05,880 --> 00:09:07,480 Speaker 2: want to bring others down. 132 00:09:08,240 --> 00:09:11,280 Speaker 1: Well, that's not your responsibility, but we'll talk about that later. 133 00:09:11,520 --> 00:09:12,720 Speaker 1: Talk to me about the guilt. 134 00:09:13,120 --> 00:09:15,720 Speaker 2: It's just the guilt of you. Always mothers are always 135 00:09:15,760 --> 00:09:23,080 Speaker 2: told that you've got to be just. I always have 136 00:09:23,559 --> 00:09:27,160 Speaker 2: felt that moms are supposed to always be there for 137 00:09:27,280 --> 00:09:29,439 Speaker 2: their kids no matter what. So it's just a sense 138 00:09:29,480 --> 00:09:34,000 Speaker 2: of guilt of how do I balance protecting myself from him, because, 139 00:09:34,040 --> 00:09:38,600 Speaker 2: like I said, his tech and his words are very nasty, 140 00:09:38,920 --> 00:09:41,120 Speaker 2: to the point of him calling me names every day. 141 00:09:41,120 --> 00:09:43,880 Speaker 2: He called me the inward, Inward, don't talk to me 142 00:09:43,960 --> 00:09:48,199 Speaker 2: that way, and it's it's just mind blowing that a 143 00:09:48,240 --> 00:09:52,080 Speaker 2: young man would talk to his mom that way. And 144 00:09:52,120 --> 00:09:54,440 Speaker 2: so the guilt I have is really wanting to not 145 00:09:54,600 --> 00:09:57,480 Speaker 2: have anything to do with him at this time. But 146 00:09:57,520 --> 00:10:00,640 Speaker 2: it's just I feel the guilt of as a mom, 147 00:10:00,640 --> 00:10:02,439 Speaker 2: you're not supposed to do that. You're supposed to just 148 00:10:02,600 --> 00:10:04,000 Speaker 2: be in there and fight for your kids. 149 00:10:04,000 --> 00:10:09,000 Speaker 1: You know. There's an ancient African proverb that says a 150 00:10:09,080 --> 00:10:14,800 Speaker 1: mother will never eat her child. She would starve to 151 00:10:15,040 --> 00:10:21,360 Speaker 1: death before she raised her hand to harm or hurt 152 00:10:21,640 --> 00:10:23,880 Speaker 1: or eat her child. And I don't mean eat as 153 00:10:23,920 --> 00:10:29,280 Speaker 1: in you know, chewing and swallowing, but a child, if 154 00:10:29,280 --> 00:10:33,560 Speaker 1: they're hungry enough, will eat the mother. Wow. And the 155 00:10:33,600 --> 00:10:37,280 Speaker 1: way we see that play out sometimes is the child 156 00:10:37,360 --> 00:10:40,080 Speaker 1: will put on the mother, take from the mother, ask 157 00:10:40,200 --> 00:10:44,520 Speaker 1: of the mother, and it's almost as if you have 158 00:10:44,600 --> 00:10:48,200 Speaker 1: to continue loving me, no matter how badly I behave. 159 00:10:49,400 --> 00:10:51,960 Speaker 1: So the mother will never eat the child, but if 160 00:10:52,000 --> 00:10:56,480 Speaker 1: pushed to hunger, the child will eat the mother. So 161 00:10:56,520 --> 00:10:59,040 Speaker 1: that sounds like what we have going on here. 162 00:11:00,040 --> 00:11:01,600 Speaker 2: I was like, here's a for instance. You know, we 163 00:11:01,679 --> 00:11:04,840 Speaker 2: have this really bad back and forth, but as the mom, 164 00:11:04,920 --> 00:11:08,120 Speaker 2: you keep I keep trying. So for instance, a couple 165 00:11:08,160 --> 00:11:11,240 Speaker 2: of weeks ago, Mom, I need twenty dollars. So of 166 00:11:11,280 --> 00:11:14,240 Speaker 2: course I am always trying to prove myself that I 167 00:11:14,280 --> 00:11:17,199 Speaker 2: am a good mom, I am worthy. So I responded 168 00:11:17,200 --> 00:11:19,679 Speaker 2: to his text and said, you know, okay, I'll send it. 169 00:11:19,760 --> 00:11:21,920 Speaker 2: And he said, you know, I get paid tomorrow and 170 00:11:21,960 --> 00:11:23,520 Speaker 2: i'll give it back. And I said, okay, you know, 171 00:11:23,600 --> 00:11:25,680 Speaker 2: you need to keep your word, even though I know 172 00:11:25,920 --> 00:11:28,800 Speaker 2: I knowelled that he won't, but in my mind I 173 00:11:28,840 --> 00:11:31,240 Speaker 2: have that glimmer of hope I send him the money 174 00:11:31,360 --> 00:11:33,800 Speaker 2: and then he goes dark on me. I don't hear 175 00:11:33,840 --> 00:11:36,800 Speaker 2: from him nothing, and it just it eats you up 176 00:11:36,800 --> 00:11:38,960 Speaker 2: because you knew what was going to happen, but in 177 00:11:39,000 --> 00:11:40,120 Speaker 2: the back of your mind you keep it. 178 00:11:40,360 --> 00:11:43,959 Speaker 1: Eats me up. It eats me up. It eats me up. 179 00:11:44,040 --> 00:11:47,560 Speaker 1: Don't externalize it, take it in. It eats me up. 180 00:11:47,920 --> 00:11:52,000 Speaker 2: It eats me up. Yes, that I knew that that 181 00:11:52,200 --> 00:11:55,199 Speaker 2: was going to happen, and that I still did it. 182 00:11:55,280 --> 00:11:59,040 Speaker 2: And then weeks later, when we're conversating on something else, 183 00:11:59,120 --> 00:12:02,000 Speaker 2: he throws it back in my faith and you're sweating 184 00:12:02,000 --> 00:12:04,559 Speaker 2: me for that little twenty dollars and I'm thinking you 185 00:12:04,559 --> 00:12:07,319 Speaker 2: didn't have it, you came to me for it, and 186 00:12:07,360 --> 00:12:11,040 Speaker 2: now you throw it back in my face that I'm 187 00:12:11,080 --> 00:12:13,319 Speaker 2: sweating you to get my little twenty dollars. It's those 188 00:12:13,360 --> 00:12:17,480 Speaker 2: type of mental games that are wearing on me. And 189 00:12:17,520 --> 00:12:20,559 Speaker 2: that's why I reached out to you, because I need 190 00:12:20,559 --> 00:12:23,640 Speaker 2: to figure out what to do with what I know. 191 00:12:24,320 --> 00:12:30,679 Speaker 1: Well, this is a classic classic eraror that moms make okay, 192 00:12:31,360 --> 00:12:33,600 Speaker 1: and then you're a virgo mom, so you make it 193 00:12:33,640 --> 00:12:36,320 Speaker 1: to the tenth degree. Let me just point out a 194 00:12:36,360 --> 00:12:39,920 Speaker 1: few things for you. He's twenty one. He's living on 195 00:12:39,920 --> 00:12:44,240 Speaker 1: his own. He's acting like a man. Yeah, yes, well, 196 00:12:44,280 --> 00:12:47,200 Speaker 1: one of the hallmarks of manhood is that a man 197 00:12:47,320 --> 00:12:51,640 Speaker 1: keeps his word. But when he calls you acting like 198 00:12:51,720 --> 00:12:54,960 Speaker 1: a child, MA, I need twenty dollars, you give it 199 00:12:55,000 --> 00:12:58,800 Speaker 1: to him with the expectation that he won't give it back. 200 00:12:59,440 --> 00:13:02,160 Speaker 1: And then when he doesn't give it back and he 201 00:13:02,559 --> 00:13:06,800 Speaker 1: acts out like a child, you get upset because he's 202 00:13:06,840 --> 00:13:11,360 Speaker 1: not behaving like a man. Here's another possibility. When he 203 00:13:11,440 --> 00:13:14,200 Speaker 1: calls and asks you for twenty dollars, you simply say, 204 00:13:14,640 --> 00:13:17,000 Speaker 1: boo boo, I don't know what his name is. You've 205 00:13:17,080 --> 00:13:20,120 Speaker 1: ruined your credit with me. But see, because you're afraid 206 00:13:20,160 --> 00:13:23,120 Speaker 1: to upset him, You're afraid to let him go. You're 207 00:13:23,160 --> 00:13:27,320 Speaker 1: afraid that he'll get upset with you. You keep engaging him 208 00:13:27,400 --> 00:13:30,320 Speaker 1: like a child and expecting him to respond like a man. 209 00:13:30,720 --> 00:13:35,040 Speaker 2: One hundred percent, you're right. It's just like you said, 210 00:13:35,160 --> 00:13:37,920 Speaker 2: I keep holding on to this hope that I'm going 211 00:13:37,960 --> 00:13:40,240 Speaker 2: to have this magical moment where all of a sudden 212 00:13:40,920 --> 00:13:43,440 Speaker 2: he's going to be who I want him to be. 213 00:13:43,480 --> 00:13:47,320 Speaker 2: And you're right, that's not going to happen. 214 00:13:48,320 --> 00:13:51,120 Speaker 1: If he's a man. Does he call you and say, Mom, 215 00:13:51,120 --> 00:13:53,320 Speaker 1: I'm getting laid tonight. Does he call you and say 216 00:13:53,360 --> 00:13:56,480 Speaker 1: that no. Does he call you and say, Mom, buying 217 00:13:56,520 --> 00:13:59,040 Speaker 1: a bottle of wine or I'm smoking some happy flowers. 218 00:13:59,080 --> 00:14:02,080 Speaker 1: Does he call you and say that No, but he'll 219 00:14:02,080 --> 00:14:04,480 Speaker 1: call you for twenty dollars. That's called he's eating you. 220 00:14:05,240 --> 00:14:11,120 Speaker 1: He's gonna play. Listen, children know their parents triggers and 221 00:14:11,160 --> 00:14:14,560 Speaker 1: weak spots. They know he knows how to play you, 222 00:14:14,800 --> 00:14:17,480 Speaker 1: So he plays you like a fiddle. That's what's called 223 00:14:17,520 --> 00:14:20,280 Speaker 1: the child will eat the parent. The child will eat 224 00:14:20,320 --> 00:14:25,080 Speaker 1: the mother. See him as a man, Hold him as 225 00:14:25,080 --> 00:14:28,440 Speaker 1: a man, Expect him as a man, because you're giving 226 00:14:28,520 --> 00:14:30,760 Speaker 1: him the twenty dollars, not expecting him to give it 227 00:14:30,840 --> 00:14:32,960 Speaker 1: back to you, and then you want to challenge him 228 00:14:33,000 --> 00:14:35,680 Speaker 1: to give it back to you. Yes, the twenty dollars 229 00:14:35,760 --> 00:14:37,880 Speaker 1: to fifty whatever it is. No, No, you're a man. 230 00:14:38,000 --> 00:14:41,000 Speaker 1: You living on your own, cover your basics. 231 00:14:41,440 --> 00:14:42,600 Speaker 2: No, I'm going to say, but you know what I 232 00:14:42,600 --> 00:14:44,320 Speaker 2: think a lot of it is. And I can be 233 00:14:44,400 --> 00:14:46,840 Speaker 2: completely honest with you, and I'm going to use the eyeword. 234 00:14:47,480 --> 00:14:53,160 Speaker 2: I'm living in fear of him because he talks very aggressive, like, 235 00:14:53,200 --> 00:14:56,480 Speaker 2: for instance, when we were talking about the money and 236 00:14:56,560 --> 00:14:59,760 Speaker 2: that type of thing. His text to me was, I'm 237 00:14:59,760 --> 00:15:02,560 Speaker 2: not to let you talk crazy to me. I will 238 00:15:02,600 --> 00:15:04,560 Speaker 2: pull up at any time. Don't forget that. 239 00:15:04,680 --> 00:15:09,120 Speaker 1: Say he's really really angry, I have a fear. No, no, 240 00:15:09,200 --> 00:15:12,320 Speaker 1: don't fear him. Take that, well, let me not say 241 00:15:12,360 --> 00:15:15,800 Speaker 1: that out loud in the public. He need to fear you. 242 00:15:16,640 --> 00:15:23,160 Speaker 1: Something happened. Something happened. I don't know where you overcompensated 243 00:15:23,880 --> 00:15:29,360 Speaker 1: or where you failed to create boundaries. My son is 244 00:15:29,440 --> 00:15:33,760 Speaker 1: fifty four and he's still scared of me because he 245 00:15:33,880 --> 00:15:36,520 Speaker 1: knows I will pull up on him at any moment 246 00:15:36,880 --> 00:15:38,040 Speaker 1: and it won't be pretty. 247 00:15:38,600 --> 00:15:43,120 Speaker 2: But can I accept he's never had that fear that 248 00:15:43,280 --> 00:15:45,960 Speaker 2: I still have what my mom rests, you know, she's 249 00:15:45,960 --> 00:15:48,480 Speaker 2: not living, But he never had that, And that was one. 250 00:15:48,400 --> 00:15:48,760 Speaker 3: Of the things. 251 00:15:48,800 --> 00:15:53,440 Speaker 1: You didn't create boundaries. You didn't create boundaries. You overcompensated. 252 00:15:54,800 --> 00:15:57,720 Speaker 1: And it probably goes back to why you adopted him 253 00:15:57,800 --> 00:15:59,760 Speaker 1: in the first place. Why did you adopt as a 254 00:16:00,440 --> 00:16:01,760 Speaker 1: to having natural children? 255 00:16:03,160 --> 00:16:06,640 Speaker 2: Right, it's the natural way. It didn't work, And I 256 00:16:06,680 --> 00:16:09,720 Speaker 2: think in the back of my mind adoption was always 257 00:16:09,720 --> 00:16:12,360 Speaker 2: something that I had wanted to do but did try 258 00:16:12,400 --> 00:16:16,520 Speaker 2: the old fashioned way before adoption was tried. 259 00:16:17,000 --> 00:16:20,840 Speaker 1: So as a woman, hear me. This is not a 260 00:16:20,920 --> 00:16:23,440 Speaker 1: judgment or criticism. I want to help you get to 261 00:16:23,440 --> 00:16:26,680 Speaker 1: the root and the core, and you are probably not 262 00:16:27,000 --> 00:16:32,200 Speaker 1: going to like it. Are you ready? Okay, okay, we'll 263 00:16:32,200 --> 00:16:39,880 Speaker 1: do it right after this break, welcome back to the 264 00:16:40,040 --> 00:16:43,400 Speaker 1: r spot. Let's pick up where we left off. As 265 00:16:43,440 --> 00:16:50,760 Speaker 1: a woman, there was some failure, inadequacy, something I don't know. 266 00:16:50,840 --> 00:16:53,520 Speaker 1: You have to give it the word because you couldn't 267 00:16:53,560 --> 00:16:58,040 Speaker 1: have your own children. Adoption wasn't your first choice, although 268 00:16:58,080 --> 00:17:03,320 Speaker 1: you made that choice, but the underlying, the underbelly in there, 269 00:17:03,760 --> 00:17:08,440 Speaker 1: it's like I gotta prove, I gotta prove. So maybe 270 00:17:08,480 --> 00:17:14,200 Speaker 1: perhaps I'm willing to be wrong that unconscious thought of 271 00:17:15,000 --> 00:17:21,240 Speaker 1: failure or unworthiness or inadequacy. You over indulged this child someplace. 272 00:17:21,320 --> 00:17:25,600 Speaker 1: You over indulged him. Tell me what you hear me saying. 273 00:17:26,920 --> 00:17:31,480 Speaker 2: That I potentially created the monster that I have right now? 274 00:17:32,160 --> 00:17:36,280 Speaker 1: Ah? Yeah, A man is who is mother makes them. 275 00:17:36,600 --> 00:17:37,600 Speaker 1: I don't care who he is. 276 00:17:38,320 --> 00:17:41,280 Speaker 2: I was a strict mom, but not to the point 277 00:17:41,280 --> 00:17:43,480 Speaker 2: of like how my parents were where I never could 278 00:17:43,560 --> 00:17:46,840 Speaker 2: go to the dance of the party, but I always 279 00:17:46,880 --> 00:17:53,080 Speaker 2: did compare to his friend's parents who had no boundaries 280 00:17:53,400 --> 00:17:55,480 Speaker 2: and they could go wherever they wanted. And I was 281 00:17:55,520 --> 00:17:58,160 Speaker 2: one of those old school moms that whose house are 282 00:17:58,160 --> 00:18:00,639 Speaker 2: you going to? What time will you be home? So 283 00:18:01,080 --> 00:18:03,199 Speaker 2: he did have boundaries and that was one of the 284 00:18:03,280 --> 00:18:07,440 Speaker 2: things he hated because he was surrounded by young men 285 00:18:07,880 --> 00:18:09,960 Speaker 2: that had zero boundaries. 286 00:18:10,040 --> 00:18:14,440 Speaker 1: Okay, you call them boundaries. He calls them restriction and control. 287 00:18:15,640 --> 00:18:19,280 Speaker 1: But that's not what he's angry with you about. Absolutely not. 288 00:18:20,320 --> 00:18:23,320 Speaker 1: He's not angry with you about that. The things you 289 00:18:23,400 --> 00:18:27,439 Speaker 1: have to look at because if his texts are coming 290 00:18:27,440 --> 00:18:32,080 Speaker 1: to you like that, there's something that you did or 291 00:18:32,119 --> 00:18:36,680 Speaker 1: did not do at some point. And maybe it's because, 292 00:18:37,600 --> 00:18:42,640 Speaker 1: you know, again over compensation. You didn't want him to feel, 293 00:18:43,119 --> 00:18:48,040 Speaker 1: you know, any less. Because he was adopted someplace, he 294 00:18:48,840 --> 00:18:52,200 Speaker 1: was taught, trained, led to believe that he could talk 295 00:18:52,240 --> 00:18:57,320 Speaker 1: to you like that. Maybe around sixteen seventeen you argued 296 00:18:57,359 --> 00:19:01,440 Speaker 1: with him or allowed him to argue with you. Usually 297 00:19:01,480 --> 00:19:05,400 Speaker 1: it happens in that frame because with thinking, I got 298 00:19:05,440 --> 00:19:08,600 Speaker 1: to give him a chance to express himself. Yeah, but 299 00:19:08,760 --> 00:19:11,000 Speaker 1: here's a line, cross this and I'm gonna pop you 300 00:19:11,040 --> 00:19:11,680 Speaker 1: in your mouth. 301 00:19:12,520 --> 00:19:16,840 Speaker 4: Right, But guess what happened though, So okay, what you 302 00:19:16,960 --> 00:19:21,760 Speaker 4: just said, I have done and said, and you know, 303 00:19:22,000 --> 00:19:23,840 Speaker 4: as a black mom, I'm going to own this. 304 00:19:24,000 --> 00:19:29,520 Speaker 2: He has been popped. But guess what he called, I'll 305 00:19:29,560 --> 00:19:32,359 Speaker 2: protect their circuces on me place. And I had to 306 00:19:32,400 --> 00:19:35,400 Speaker 2: go through all that Rick and Moreau, you know, them 307 00:19:35,440 --> 00:19:38,240 Speaker 2: coming over being interviewed. You know this was not This 308 00:19:38,400 --> 00:19:40,560 Speaker 2: was when he was a little bit younger, like theay 309 00:19:40,720 --> 00:19:43,000 Speaker 2: twelve thirteen. 310 00:19:43,280 --> 00:19:47,320 Speaker 1: Mm hmmm mm hm and right around the time you 311 00:19:47,359 --> 00:19:49,159 Speaker 1: and your husband divorced, right, and. 312 00:19:49,440 --> 00:19:53,080 Speaker 2: We did do therapy. We did I have therapy for him. 313 00:19:53,840 --> 00:19:57,840 Speaker 2: We tried joint the people. As he got older. When 314 00:19:57,920 --> 00:20:01,360 Speaker 2: people tend to tell him what he doesn't want to hear, 315 00:20:01,520 --> 00:20:06,000 Speaker 2: that's when he goes ghosts like he's still doing to 316 00:20:06,119 --> 00:20:10,000 Speaker 2: this day. You cannot tell him anything that he does 317 00:20:10,040 --> 00:20:10,879 Speaker 2: not agree with. 318 00:20:11,960 --> 00:20:12,600 Speaker 1: Is he a leo? 319 00:20:13,640 --> 00:20:18,080 Speaker 2: No, he is a lead bruh. His birthday is October 320 00:20:18,760 --> 00:20:21,000 Speaker 2: lib Bra, October twelfth. 321 00:20:21,359 --> 00:20:24,200 Speaker 1: Couple of things, mom, And this is going to be 322 00:20:24,240 --> 00:20:27,119 Speaker 1: hard to hear. I want to acknowledge you because I 323 00:20:27,160 --> 00:20:30,760 Speaker 1: don't hear you talking about him as your adopted son, 324 00:20:30,840 --> 00:20:35,040 Speaker 1: but as your son. That's number one, which is great. 325 00:20:36,080 --> 00:20:39,159 Speaker 1: I'm glad he knows who that he has a natural 326 00:20:39,200 --> 00:20:44,760 Speaker 1: birth mother. And with all that you've done and all 327 00:20:44,800 --> 00:20:47,800 Speaker 1: that you've given, and I know as a Virgo mother, 328 00:20:48,760 --> 00:20:51,639 Speaker 1: all that you've done and all that you've given. Like 329 00:20:51,720 --> 00:20:59,159 Speaker 1: I said, in many cases overcompensating, you are a usual suspect. 330 00:20:59,560 --> 00:21:02,199 Speaker 1: One of the reasons he takes his anger out on 331 00:21:02,400 --> 00:21:04,439 Speaker 1: you is because he knows you're gonna love him no 332 00:21:04,520 --> 00:21:07,879 Speaker 1: matter what. So in some instances, I want you to 333 00:21:07,920 --> 00:21:11,280 Speaker 1: hear this, It ain't personal. He just knows that you're 334 00:21:11,320 --> 00:21:15,960 Speaker 1: gonna love him no matter what. Here's the hard part. 335 00:21:16,280 --> 00:21:19,040 Speaker 1: You gotta be willing to let him go. You've got 336 00:21:19,040 --> 00:21:22,480 Speaker 1: to be willing to let him go his anger. I 337 00:21:22,480 --> 00:21:26,199 Speaker 1: don't care who the child is. There comes a moment 338 00:21:26,320 --> 00:21:29,720 Speaker 1: when they're gonna look for the womb that they came from. 339 00:21:30,160 --> 00:21:32,480 Speaker 1: So while he may not voice it, he may not 340 00:21:32,920 --> 00:21:35,640 Speaker 1: acknowledge it, he may not think about it, he may 341 00:21:35,680 --> 00:21:39,760 Speaker 1: not say it. He's really angry at his mother, but 342 00:21:39,880 --> 00:21:42,280 Speaker 1: he takes it out on you because you're his mom. 343 00:21:43,800 --> 00:21:44,800 Speaker 1: Does that make sense to. 344 00:21:44,800 --> 00:21:47,560 Speaker 2: You, Yes? Yes. 345 00:21:48,080 --> 00:21:52,879 Speaker 1: We also don't know what he marinated in. We don't 346 00:21:52,960 --> 00:21:56,640 Speaker 1: know the condition of the womb that he lived in. 347 00:21:57,520 --> 00:21:59,879 Speaker 1: This may be his mom's anger. It may be his 348 00:22:00,200 --> 00:22:03,680 Speaker 1: dad's anger. It may be the environment that she was in. 349 00:22:03,840 --> 00:22:07,600 Speaker 1: Some of this is etched into his soul, so it 350 00:22:07,640 --> 00:22:10,640 Speaker 1: may not be his anger, but he gets to act 351 00:22:10,680 --> 00:22:13,680 Speaker 1: it out and at twenty one, and that's a whole 352 00:22:13,760 --> 00:22:16,520 Speaker 1: new breed of people. Them young ones, they are a 353 00:22:16,520 --> 00:22:23,920 Speaker 1: hot mess anyway, they really are. It's universal. Ye, it's universally. 354 00:22:24,040 --> 00:22:26,360 Speaker 2: Yeah, you're right, you're right. 355 00:22:26,680 --> 00:22:29,760 Speaker 1: Yeah. They have a sense of entitlement, they have a 356 00:22:29,920 --> 00:22:35,200 Speaker 1: disrespect for authority. They wanted everything their way. So some 357 00:22:35,320 --> 00:22:39,080 Speaker 1: of that is just in the planetary placement of this 358 00:22:39,200 --> 00:22:43,560 Speaker 1: new generation. What they're actually doing is they're rebelling against 359 00:22:43,600 --> 00:22:47,960 Speaker 1: the hypocrisy of the older generations. But because they don't 360 00:22:47,960 --> 00:22:50,879 Speaker 1: have a new template yet about how to be in, 361 00:22:50,960 --> 00:22:52,960 Speaker 1: what to do, and how to do it, it comes 362 00:22:53,040 --> 00:22:58,199 Speaker 1: out as disrespect and it comes out as rebellion and defiance. 363 00:22:58,600 --> 00:23:04,359 Speaker 1: That's generational. Seventeen to about twenty five, twenty six, that's 364 00:23:04,440 --> 00:23:11,359 Speaker 1: just generational. They are rebelling against the obsolete society of 365 00:23:11,400 --> 00:23:17,280 Speaker 1: the older generations, and they are it's obsolete, and they 366 00:23:17,320 --> 00:23:22,119 Speaker 1: are challenging our hypocrisy. So that's universal. He's got some 367 00:23:22,280 --> 00:23:25,440 Speaker 1: of that going on, and then the anger he may 368 00:23:25,480 --> 00:23:28,719 Speaker 1: have picked up in the womb, and the anger that 369 00:23:28,760 --> 00:23:31,280 Speaker 1: he feels about what the hell is wrong with me? 370 00:23:31,400 --> 00:23:34,320 Speaker 1: That my mother didn't want me? What's wrong with me? 371 00:23:35,560 --> 00:23:41,920 Speaker 1: So here you come the virgo by nature, critical, judgmental, overbearing. 372 00:23:42,440 --> 00:23:44,640 Speaker 1: And I'm not saying that to you personally. I'm talking 373 00:23:44,640 --> 00:23:45,480 Speaker 1: about myself. 374 00:23:47,000 --> 00:23:49,360 Speaker 2: I know, I understand. 375 00:23:51,400 --> 00:23:55,480 Speaker 1: Yeah, he's angry in general. And then here you come, 376 00:23:55,840 --> 00:23:59,119 Speaker 1: like I said, the judge critical because we're perfectionists. We 377 00:23:59,160 --> 00:24:03,640 Speaker 1: want everything, the corners of the sheets and the washcloths 378 00:24:03,680 --> 00:24:06,760 Speaker 1: in the cabinet and the sweeping of the floor. I mean, 379 00:24:06,840 --> 00:24:09,359 Speaker 1: I'm the kind of virgo mother. I used to fold 380 00:24:09,359 --> 00:24:14,959 Speaker 1: my dirty clothes. That's how neurotic I was. Okay, no, 381 00:24:15,000 --> 00:24:17,800 Speaker 1: don't put no unfolded clothes in the clothes hemp, fold 382 00:24:17,840 --> 00:24:20,960 Speaker 1: them clothes up so that I can shake him out 383 00:24:21,000 --> 00:24:23,639 Speaker 1: and put him in the washing machine. But how he 384 00:24:23,640 --> 00:24:27,240 Speaker 1: hears that again, because we don't know the condition of 385 00:24:27,280 --> 00:24:30,359 Speaker 1: the womb, we don't know the consciousness of the birth mother, 386 00:24:30,960 --> 00:24:36,240 Speaker 1: he hears that as critical, judgmental and controlling. And then 387 00:24:36,400 --> 00:24:39,040 Speaker 1: a couple of pops in the mouth, pops on the behind, 388 00:24:39,600 --> 00:24:45,359 Speaker 1: taking away of privileges that his generation thinks they're entitled to. 389 00:24:45,840 --> 00:24:49,600 Speaker 1: So you're just an ogre. I don't like you and 390 00:24:49,640 --> 00:24:54,920 Speaker 1: I don't even know you, right, yeah, can you hear me? 391 00:24:55,480 --> 00:24:58,879 Speaker 1: So some of some of this, mom, he's just gonna 392 00:24:58,920 --> 00:25:01,840 Speaker 1: have to work out. He will work it out, and 393 00:25:01,880 --> 00:25:05,359 Speaker 1: it probably won't happen until he's about twenty seven twenty eight, 394 00:25:05,640 --> 00:25:11,120 Speaker 1: if my assessment and my observations are accurate. But what 395 00:25:11,200 --> 00:25:14,720 Speaker 1: you have to do is you have to hold the line. 396 00:25:15,000 --> 00:25:18,000 Speaker 1: First of all, as a man. He can't disrespect no 397 00:25:18,080 --> 00:25:20,480 Speaker 1: woman by talking about he gonna pull up on it. 398 00:25:20,720 --> 00:25:25,600 Speaker 1: No woman, but certainly not his mother. He done lost 399 00:25:25,680 --> 00:25:28,040 Speaker 1: his rabbit behind mine? Something wrong with him? 400 00:25:28,119 --> 00:25:30,160 Speaker 2: Call me the inWORD? I mean, I got a text 401 00:25:30,240 --> 00:25:34,639 Speaker 2: last week where he called me the inward his mom. 402 00:25:34,720 --> 00:25:39,080 Speaker 1: And what did you say in response? I don't what 403 00:25:39,200 --> 00:25:41,920 Speaker 1: did you say? 404 00:25:42,080 --> 00:25:45,800 Speaker 2: I can't ever remember, but I'm trying to look to 405 00:25:45,800 --> 00:25:46,720 Speaker 2: see if I can find it. 406 00:25:46,800 --> 00:25:49,080 Speaker 1: But I mean, well, please find it because I want 407 00:25:49,119 --> 00:25:52,840 Speaker 1: to know what you said in response. We'll talk more 408 00:25:52,840 --> 00:26:01,000 Speaker 1: about it when we come back. Welcome to the spot. 409 00:26:01,160 --> 00:26:02,960 Speaker 1: Let's get back to the conversation. 410 00:26:04,080 --> 00:26:07,080 Speaker 2: Oh okay, I did find it. His response to me 411 00:26:07,359 --> 00:26:11,280 Speaker 2: was we were talking about a joint account that we 412 00:26:11,440 --> 00:26:14,040 Speaker 2: have that I told him I wanted him to close 413 00:26:14,200 --> 00:26:17,840 Speaker 2: because I cannot remove my name from it, so the 414 00:26:17,880 --> 00:26:20,520 Speaker 2: account has to be closed. So there was a lot 415 00:26:20,520 --> 00:26:23,080 Speaker 2: of vacu and forth, and his response to me was, 416 00:26:23,880 --> 00:26:26,240 Speaker 2: you could have easily said, hey, I want to close 417 00:26:26,280 --> 00:26:29,480 Speaker 2: that account, which is, by the way, that's what I 418 00:26:29,520 --> 00:26:33,760 Speaker 2: told him. And he said, look what you Look what 419 00:26:33,840 --> 00:26:36,879 Speaker 2: you said? You just a rude inward, I hate you, 420 00:26:37,840 --> 00:26:40,639 Speaker 2: and then he said inward, that's not what you said. 421 00:26:40,800 --> 00:26:44,440 Speaker 2: Are you slow? I took a pause. I took a moment, 422 00:26:44,480 --> 00:26:47,320 Speaker 2: and I responded back, and I said, is everything okay? 423 00:26:47,960 --> 00:26:51,840 Speaker 2: What's wrong? Calling me names is not going to help you. 424 00:26:52,800 --> 00:26:58,119 Speaker 1: Criticism that's what he heard, criticism. Here's another possibility, again 425 00:26:58,960 --> 00:27:02,399 Speaker 1: drawed the line. Stop thinking of him as a little boy. 426 00:27:02,600 --> 00:27:06,320 Speaker 1: He's a grown man, and you have to stop parenting 427 00:27:06,359 --> 00:27:10,080 Speaker 1: a child and start dealing with a man. Another classic 428 00:27:10,200 --> 00:27:13,280 Speaker 1: problem for mothers. We don't know how to parent adults, 429 00:27:13,800 --> 00:27:17,440 Speaker 1: so we hold our children to the parameters of them 430 00:27:17,480 --> 00:27:21,080 Speaker 1: being children. He's a grown man. I would have here's 431 00:27:21,119 --> 00:27:27,399 Speaker 1: another possibility. I'm going to end this communication now because 432 00:27:27,440 --> 00:27:29,560 Speaker 1: I have not given you permission to talk to me 433 00:27:29,640 --> 00:27:34,600 Speaker 1: in that way, and it's unacceptable. Done you don't accept that. 434 00:27:34,680 --> 00:27:37,480 Speaker 1: I don't care who he is. He can't talk to 435 00:27:37,520 --> 00:27:40,600 Speaker 1: you like that. First of all, he shouldn't be texting you. 436 00:27:41,520 --> 00:27:44,159 Speaker 1: Pick up the phone and call your mother. I know 437 00:27:44,160 --> 00:27:47,760 Speaker 1: we're in the twenty first century. He doesn't do well. 438 00:27:48,760 --> 00:27:51,399 Speaker 1: That's how they get away with it. He doesn't have 439 00:27:51,440 --> 00:27:55,639 Speaker 1: to take responsibility for his behavior because he's anonymous on 440 00:27:55,720 --> 00:27:57,440 Speaker 1: the text, right. 441 00:27:57,880 --> 00:28:02,480 Speaker 2: And then after all this, one day I did block him. 442 00:28:02,720 --> 00:28:07,359 Speaker 2: And then of course he went to the other people 443 00:28:07,400 --> 00:28:09,760 Speaker 2: in the village and they came at me. He went 444 00:28:09,800 --> 00:28:13,159 Speaker 2: to he called his dad. Mom blocked me. Can you 445 00:28:13,200 --> 00:28:15,520 Speaker 2: believe it? So of course his dad called me, and 446 00:28:15,560 --> 00:28:20,840 Speaker 2: then he called My husband's mother is his grandmother. She's 447 00:28:20,920 --> 00:28:25,879 Speaker 2: basically been calling him grandson since she met him, and 448 00:28:25,960 --> 00:28:28,280 Speaker 2: he called her. So then she called me. So then 449 00:28:28,280 --> 00:28:31,879 Speaker 2: I have the village attacking me saying he loves you. 450 00:28:31,920 --> 00:28:34,360 Speaker 1: No, no, you tell them no, no, no, no, no, 451 00:28:34,400 --> 00:28:37,639 Speaker 1: they don't have to attack you. You tell the village. Y'all 452 00:28:37,680 --> 00:28:39,880 Speaker 1: need to get him straight, because he can't call me 453 00:28:39,960 --> 00:28:43,400 Speaker 1: the inward. He can't threaten me. He's a grown man 454 00:28:43,680 --> 00:28:46,840 Speaker 1: and I'm a woman. Let's teach him some respect. That's 455 00:28:46,880 --> 00:28:50,080 Speaker 1: what you tell the village. They can't attack you. You 456 00:28:50,440 --> 00:28:54,000 Speaker 1: have to draw the line. He's a grown man. Stop 457 00:28:54,080 --> 00:28:58,240 Speaker 1: looking at him as a child. Who are told him 458 00:28:58,320 --> 00:29:04,880 Speaker 1: to the same level of responsibility, accountability and integrity you 459 00:29:04,920 --> 00:29:07,560 Speaker 1: would hold it. Could any man in the street roll 460 00:29:07,680 --> 00:29:09,760 Speaker 1: up on you and call you the inward? What would 461 00:29:09,760 --> 00:29:12,440 Speaker 1: you do if you were at the gas station and 462 00:29:12,520 --> 00:29:14,760 Speaker 1: somebody rolled up on you and called you the inward 463 00:29:14,880 --> 00:29:17,160 Speaker 1: and told you that they would roll up on you? 464 00:29:17,200 --> 00:29:17,760 Speaker 1: What would you do? 465 00:29:18,720 --> 00:29:21,080 Speaker 2: They would hear it for me, and I'd probably get 466 00:29:21,360 --> 00:29:22,840 Speaker 2: somebody else involved. 467 00:29:22,440 --> 00:29:26,400 Speaker 1: Law enforcements, my husband, somebody. You got a husband, Yeah, 468 00:29:26,440 --> 00:29:30,160 Speaker 1: you got two stepsons. He needs to know that they 469 00:29:30,240 --> 00:29:33,080 Speaker 1: are protecting and guarding you as a woman, because he's 470 00:29:33,120 --> 00:29:35,840 Speaker 1: not coming at you as a mother. He's coming at 471 00:29:35,880 --> 00:29:39,760 Speaker 1: you as any hoody on the street because he's angry. 472 00:29:40,400 --> 00:29:45,520 Speaker 1: And that's fine, But as twenty one, it's his responsibility 473 00:29:45,960 --> 00:29:48,720 Speaker 1: to handle his anger, and I would let him know 474 00:29:49,840 --> 00:29:50,360 Speaker 1: how do I. 475 00:29:52,080 --> 00:29:55,400 Speaker 2: Everything you're seeing has been scrolling around in my head. 476 00:29:55,480 --> 00:29:58,920 Speaker 2: So at this point, going into the rest of this 477 00:29:59,040 --> 00:30:01,800 Speaker 2: year and these holidays are about to come up, the 478 00:30:01,800 --> 00:30:03,600 Speaker 2: Mother's Day with you know. I just have to kind 479 00:30:03,600 --> 00:30:06,160 Speaker 2: of know that they're not going to be what I 480 00:30:06,200 --> 00:30:10,160 Speaker 2: had hoped they would be. How do I pivot moving 481 00:30:10,360 --> 00:30:14,600 Speaker 2: forward so that this is not for disruptive to my 482 00:30:14,840 --> 00:30:16,720 Speaker 2: daily life of Oh my god, is he going to 483 00:30:16,800 --> 00:30:18,400 Speaker 2: text today and it's going to blow up. 484 00:30:18,800 --> 00:30:21,240 Speaker 1: First of all, go ahead and let your heart break 485 00:30:22,080 --> 00:30:24,320 Speaker 1: that your son is not the man that you wanted 486 00:30:24,400 --> 00:30:27,600 Speaker 1: him to be. Just let your heart break about that. 487 00:30:28,640 --> 00:30:31,080 Speaker 1: But he's twenty one, he's got a long way to go. 488 00:30:32,680 --> 00:30:38,000 Speaker 1: This usually happens around sixteen seventeen eighteen before they go 489 00:30:38,040 --> 00:30:42,520 Speaker 1: off to college, and sometime that first year of college. 490 00:30:42,720 --> 00:30:46,880 Speaker 1: This usually happens then. So he's got some arrested development, 491 00:30:47,360 --> 00:30:51,800 Speaker 1: probably because of the anger and your overcompensation. Let your 492 00:30:51,800 --> 00:30:56,400 Speaker 1: heart break, ma Oh, it's broke, but hold him higher, 493 00:30:57,320 --> 00:31:02,040 Speaker 1: see him higher. He's just working out whatever he needs 494 00:31:02,080 --> 00:31:07,520 Speaker 1: to work out right now to get himself to the 495 00:31:07,560 --> 00:31:10,920 Speaker 1: place he needs to be. Once you let your heart 496 00:31:10,960 --> 00:31:13,920 Speaker 1: break the sadness of it, and don't hide that from people. 497 00:31:14,880 --> 00:31:20,360 Speaker 1: Your pain needs a witness because everybody, your husband, his dad, 498 00:31:20,480 --> 00:31:22,960 Speaker 1: or his father, his mother, all of them, all of 499 00:31:23,000 --> 00:31:25,440 Speaker 1: them played a role in this. All of them play 500 00:31:25,480 --> 00:31:28,520 Speaker 1: the role in this. So don't you let them know. 501 00:31:28,760 --> 00:31:32,040 Speaker 1: I'm really really sad and this really really hurts me. 502 00:31:32,200 --> 00:31:34,920 Speaker 2: And I don't do that. You're right, I don't do it. 503 00:31:35,480 --> 00:31:38,400 Speaker 2: You're right, I need to let it out. I don't. 504 00:31:38,480 --> 00:31:47,320 Speaker 1: I did classic neurotic virgo behavior. Ask me how I know, 505 00:31:48,280 --> 00:31:50,440 Speaker 1: Ask me how I know? Go ahead, ask me how 506 00:31:50,480 --> 00:31:50,719 Speaker 1: I know? 507 00:31:51,200 --> 00:31:52,240 Speaker 2: How do you know? 508 00:31:53,040 --> 00:32:04,680 Speaker 3: None of your business the virgo mask of perfection and 509 00:32:04,760 --> 00:32:08,040 Speaker 3: let people see the ugly sain I feel right now. 510 00:32:08,400 --> 00:32:12,120 Speaker 1: Ah, and that's when you'll get start getting in touch 511 00:32:12,200 --> 00:32:19,520 Speaker 1: with what he what he sees in you. Yeah, that's 512 00:32:19,520 --> 00:32:20,360 Speaker 1: when you'll see that. 513 00:32:21,240 --> 00:32:22,880 Speaker 2: How will he how will he see it? Though he 514 00:32:22,920 --> 00:32:23,440 Speaker 2: won't see it. 515 00:32:24,280 --> 00:32:27,600 Speaker 1: But don't worry about him, because what's going to solidify 516 00:32:28,280 --> 00:32:32,280 Speaker 1: your relationship with him is which is probably what he's 517 00:32:32,320 --> 00:32:35,200 Speaker 1: going through right now. He's in the stage of developing 518 00:32:35,800 --> 00:32:43,640 Speaker 1: intimacy into me C versus isolation. So if there's anything 519 00:32:43,880 --> 00:32:49,560 Speaker 1: in him that he thinks is less than unworthy, weak, 520 00:32:49,880 --> 00:32:53,720 Speaker 1: whatever as a man, he's going to isolate. He's going 521 00:32:53,720 --> 00:32:55,920 Speaker 1: to isolate, and he's not going to be able to 522 00:32:56,000 --> 00:33:00,760 Speaker 1: develop intimacy into me C. And the the first person 523 00:33:00,760 --> 00:33:04,160 Speaker 1: who sees into you is your mother. So if he's 524 00:33:04,200 --> 00:33:06,640 Speaker 1: angry with you, or if he doesn't trust you, or 525 00:33:06,680 --> 00:33:10,280 Speaker 1: if he doesn't feel safe with you, he's not going 526 00:33:10,360 --> 00:33:13,200 Speaker 1: to let you see into him, and he'll cover that 527 00:33:13,400 --> 00:33:17,800 Speaker 1: up with anger or depression or isolation or those kinds 528 00:33:17,840 --> 00:33:26,120 Speaker 1: of things. So how you see yourself and your intentions 529 00:33:26,680 --> 00:33:30,240 Speaker 1: in your mother ring, that's not what he sees. He 530 00:33:30,320 --> 00:33:35,640 Speaker 1: sees the hypocrisy, he sees the control, he sees the manipulation. 531 00:33:36,200 --> 00:33:42,200 Speaker 1: He sees those things, or your best intentions, his thwarted 532 00:33:42,320 --> 00:33:46,840 Speaker 1: childhood mind turns him into something else where you're trying 533 00:33:46,840 --> 00:33:50,920 Speaker 1: to keep him safe and give him, you know, good character. 534 00:33:51,120 --> 00:33:53,280 Speaker 1: He sees that as control and manipulation. 535 00:33:53,560 --> 00:33:54,480 Speaker 2: Yeah, yep. 536 00:33:57,200 --> 00:34:02,400 Speaker 1: So at this point, let your heart break so that 537 00:34:02,440 --> 00:34:06,360 Speaker 1: you feel the sadness and b let go of the fear, 538 00:34:07,000 --> 00:34:09,480 Speaker 1: the fear that he's gonna go off and you'll never 539 00:34:09,520 --> 00:34:13,320 Speaker 1: see him again, or he's gonna hate you forever or whatever. 540 00:34:13,600 --> 00:34:17,160 Speaker 1: At this point, Mom, that's his business. That's not your business. 541 00:34:18,440 --> 00:34:21,440 Speaker 1: You gave him the best that you had, and surely, 542 00:34:21,600 --> 00:34:25,279 Speaker 1: like all of us, you've made mistakes. But he has 543 00:34:25,320 --> 00:34:27,759 Speaker 1: to be a man enough to talk about the mistakes 544 00:34:27,760 --> 00:34:30,560 Speaker 1: and how he feels about them. But see you as 545 00:34:30,600 --> 00:34:34,480 Speaker 1: who you are. Now. He's probably holding you and mad 546 00:34:34,480 --> 00:34:36,440 Speaker 1: at you about something you did at thirteen when he 547 00:34:36,480 --> 00:34:38,960 Speaker 1: got his first pubic hair, because once they get a 548 00:34:39,040 --> 00:34:43,400 Speaker 1: pubic hair, they lose they durned mind. It ain't personal, No, 549 00:34:43,480 --> 00:34:43,759 Speaker 1: it's not. 550 00:34:44,040 --> 00:34:46,359 Speaker 2: But I try to be so different because, like I said, 551 00:34:46,360 --> 00:34:48,600 Speaker 2: you know, with my parents, you know that other generation, 552 00:34:49,280 --> 00:34:52,160 Speaker 2: they did what they did and there are no, you know, 553 00:34:52,200 --> 00:34:54,840 Speaker 2: no apologies. And with me, I tried to be different 554 00:34:54,840 --> 00:34:56,759 Speaker 2: than him. I've even tried to apologize. You know, I 555 00:34:56,800 --> 00:34:58,600 Speaker 2: told him, I know I wasn't a perfect mom, but 556 00:34:58,640 --> 00:34:59,840 Speaker 2: I told him I was a damn. 557 00:34:59,640 --> 00:35:04,840 Speaker 1: Good mone according to your standards. But this generation of 558 00:35:05,120 --> 00:35:10,520 Speaker 1: entitlement and permissiveness, breaking the rules and the boundaries, rebelling 559 00:35:10,600 --> 00:35:14,040 Speaker 1: against the hypocrisy. In your mind, you were a good mom. 560 00:35:14,360 --> 00:35:16,239 Speaker 1: In his mind, you were pain in his butt that 561 00:35:16,320 --> 00:35:18,560 Speaker 1: didn't give him what he wanted and let him do 562 00:35:18,600 --> 00:35:20,160 Speaker 1: what he wanted. That's how he sees. 563 00:35:20,200 --> 00:35:23,600 Speaker 2: That's look at it. You're right, you're right, you're right. 564 00:35:24,120 --> 00:35:27,120 Speaker 1: And why did he end up with you when his 565 00:35:27,239 --> 00:35:30,879 Speaker 1: birth mom didn't want him. That's a deep pain. That's 566 00:35:30,960 --> 00:35:34,320 Speaker 1: a deep pain. I've worked with a lot of adopted 567 00:35:34,719 --> 00:35:40,680 Speaker 1: people adopted adults, and it's not conscious, it's unconscious. And 568 00:35:40,719 --> 00:35:43,760 Speaker 1: the ones who do their personal work, their development work, 569 00:35:44,120 --> 00:35:46,480 Speaker 1: they get to that and they're able to move through it. 570 00:35:46,560 --> 00:35:53,520 Speaker 1: Obviously he has not, but he's got time. So express 571 00:35:53,600 --> 00:36:00,480 Speaker 1: the sadness, deal with the fear of losing him, be 572 00:36:00,560 --> 00:36:04,440 Speaker 1: willing to let him go, just be willing not to 573 00:36:04,560 --> 00:36:08,960 Speaker 1: see him, speak to him, have any interaction with him. 574 00:36:09,280 --> 00:36:12,800 Speaker 1: If it takes five, ten, fifteen years until he's willing 575 00:36:13,280 --> 00:36:17,240 Speaker 1: to treat you with decency and respect, first as a woman, 576 00:36:17,520 --> 00:36:21,040 Speaker 1: because how he treats you developed determines how he's going 577 00:36:21,120 --> 00:36:23,680 Speaker 1: to treat women in his life. But you've got to 578 00:36:23,760 --> 00:36:27,040 Speaker 1: stop dealing with him as a child and deal with 579 00:36:27,120 --> 00:36:31,000 Speaker 1: him as an adult man. You have to let him 580 00:36:31,040 --> 00:36:34,520 Speaker 1: know you don't have permission to speak to me in 581 00:36:34,600 --> 00:36:37,480 Speaker 1: that manner. And if that's how you want to speak 582 00:36:37,480 --> 00:36:40,960 Speaker 1: to me, we don't have to speak. You've got to 583 00:36:41,000 --> 00:36:43,759 Speaker 1: say that, and then you have to draw that line 584 00:36:43,800 --> 00:36:47,040 Speaker 1: and hold that line, so you block him. He calls 585 00:36:47,080 --> 00:36:50,200 Speaker 1: your father, you tell his father don't call me about him. 586 00:36:50,920 --> 00:36:54,319 Speaker 1: He will not disrespect me as a woman or as 587 00:36:54,360 --> 00:36:58,840 Speaker 1: his mother. And when his grandma calls grandma, I respect 588 00:36:58,880 --> 00:37:01,839 Speaker 1: you I love you, but I cannot allow him to 589 00:37:01,880 --> 00:37:04,840 Speaker 1: call me out of my name and make demands upon me. 590 00:37:04,920 --> 00:37:09,799 Speaker 1: That's unreasonable. Let him know that. Click and look at 591 00:37:09,840 --> 00:37:12,920 Speaker 1: where you judge, where you criticize, where you try to 592 00:37:12,960 --> 00:37:17,360 Speaker 1: control and see. Virgos don't like change. We don't like change. 593 00:37:17,719 --> 00:37:21,359 Speaker 1: We like things orderly and normal, and we know where 594 00:37:21,360 --> 00:37:24,120 Speaker 1: every penny is and every crumb. 595 00:37:24,680 --> 00:37:30,839 Speaker 2: Yeah yeah, ask me how I know. No, it's none 596 00:37:30,880 --> 00:37:33,759 Speaker 2: of my business. 597 00:37:33,320 --> 00:37:37,719 Speaker 1: That's right. So tell me something you know now that 598 00:37:37,800 --> 00:37:40,520 Speaker 1: you didn't know when you call Tell me something? What 599 00:37:40,600 --> 00:37:41,640 Speaker 1: is it that you know now? 600 00:37:42,000 --> 00:37:47,680 Speaker 2: I have learned today that I need to change how 601 00:37:47,800 --> 00:37:51,200 Speaker 2: I see him. That I need to grasp that he 602 00:37:51,280 --> 00:37:54,000 Speaker 2: is a man and he's not a boy. That's something 603 00:37:54,040 --> 00:37:57,759 Speaker 2: that I have never thought about it that way. So 604 00:37:57,800 --> 00:38:03,000 Speaker 2: I need to remember that fact. I need to allow 605 00:38:03,200 --> 00:38:07,840 Speaker 2: myself and other people close to me to really understand 606 00:38:07,920 --> 00:38:11,040 Speaker 2: how the skills and to stop hiding it and smiling 607 00:38:11,080 --> 00:38:15,000 Speaker 2: and acting like it's okay. That's the biggest thing I 608 00:38:15,080 --> 00:38:18,080 Speaker 2: learned today. I need to let it out and I 609 00:38:18,160 --> 00:38:21,040 Speaker 2: need to share it with others so they know how 610 00:38:21,040 --> 00:38:25,200 Speaker 2: it's hurting me. And then I think the biggest thing 611 00:38:25,200 --> 00:38:31,359 Speaker 2: I learned is it's okay to grieve him. He has 612 00:38:31,440 --> 00:38:35,960 Speaker 2: a loss because it's not going to be like I thought. 613 00:38:36,080 --> 00:38:41,280 Speaker 2: But I need to accept it that it's not going 614 00:38:41,480 --> 00:38:44,839 Speaker 2: to be right now like I thought it was going 615 00:38:44,920 --> 00:38:45,200 Speaker 2: to be. 616 00:38:45,800 --> 00:38:49,319 Speaker 1: And he's only twenty one, he's not married, he don't 617 00:38:49,320 --> 00:38:51,759 Speaker 1: have kids. We don't know what that's going to look like. 618 00:38:52,360 --> 00:38:54,799 Speaker 1: And pray for him, Pray that the light comes on, 619 00:38:55,320 --> 00:38:58,719 Speaker 1: Pray that he sees you, that he honors himself enough 620 00:38:58,760 --> 00:39:03,040 Speaker 1: to honor his mother. You know, I always say to moms, 621 00:39:03,440 --> 00:39:06,600 Speaker 1: you know, even if you gave your kid's garbage, if 622 00:39:06,600 --> 00:39:09,640 Speaker 1: you fed them garbage, I know that as a mother, 623 00:39:09,760 --> 00:39:12,520 Speaker 1: you walked uptown and get found the best bunk garbage 624 00:39:12,520 --> 00:39:16,160 Speaker 1: you could find. You walk three miles uptown, dug in 625 00:39:16,239 --> 00:39:19,719 Speaker 1: the rich people's garbage can, and walk three miles back. 626 00:39:21,000 --> 00:39:23,359 Speaker 1: So even if you gave him garbage, you gave him 627 00:39:23,360 --> 00:39:25,960 Speaker 1: the best garbage you can find. And he needs to 628 00:39:26,040 --> 00:39:29,040 Speaker 1: learn to appreciate that you can't do it for him 629 00:39:29,440 --> 00:39:35,640 Speaker 1: right right. And you said one line that I want 630 00:39:35,680 --> 00:39:40,839 Speaker 1: to challenge you on. You said, trying to prove I'm 631 00:39:40,880 --> 00:39:46,640 Speaker 1: a good mom. Stop it. You raise somebody else's child, 632 00:39:47,200 --> 00:39:48,560 Speaker 1: What is there for you? To prove. 633 00:39:50,400 --> 00:39:52,239 Speaker 2: Wow, I never thought about that. 634 00:39:53,280 --> 00:39:54,360 Speaker 1: Well that's why you called me. 635 00:39:57,160 --> 00:39:59,120 Speaker 3: I never thought, Yeah, you're right at hers. 636 00:40:00,200 --> 00:40:02,120 Speaker 2: I need to stop. I need to stop that. I 637 00:40:02,200 --> 00:40:04,160 Speaker 2: need to stop trying to prove to him that I 638 00:40:04,200 --> 00:40:04,920 Speaker 2: am ready. 639 00:40:05,239 --> 00:40:08,840 Speaker 1: And prove to yourself that you're worthy. Because you couldn't 640 00:40:08,840 --> 00:40:12,200 Speaker 1: have your own children. I'm telling you that's the underbelly. 641 00:40:12,920 --> 00:40:14,879 Speaker 1: You haven't even tapped into that yet. 642 00:40:16,160 --> 00:40:17,600 Speaker 2: That's a whole nother call. 643 00:40:20,400 --> 00:40:24,600 Speaker 1: This is an important relationship in your life. You value 644 00:40:24,640 --> 00:40:28,319 Speaker 1: this relationship, you value him, and you still have the 645 00:40:28,480 --> 00:40:33,840 Speaker 1: right to create boundaries and establish how you want to 646 00:40:33,880 --> 00:40:37,560 Speaker 1: be treated in this relationship. Just be willing to let 647 00:40:37,600 --> 00:40:42,520 Speaker 1: him go. Be willing, and don't make his bad behavior 648 00:40:42,560 --> 00:40:45,640 Speaker 1: about anything you did or didn't do. It's about his 649 00:40:45,800 --> 00:40:49,440 Speaker 1: experience and he has to navigate that you don't. 650 00:40:50,560 --> 00:40:54,840 Speaker 2: He has to I don't. Oh, this was really needed, 651 00:40:55,360 --> 00:40:58,040 Speaker 2: and this has been Like I said, I'm gonna when 652 00:40:58,040 --> 00:40:59,840 Speaker 2: I get off with you, I'm just gonna take someone's 653 00:40:59,840 --> 00:41:01,800 Speaker 2: to just sit in everything that we've talked. 654 00:41:01,560 --> 00:41:05,680 Speaker 1: About good and as you're listening, any feelings that come up, 655 00:41:05,719 --> 00:41:08,759 Speaker 1: any challenges, well, no, what about this? What about that? 656 00:41:08,880 --> 00:41:12,879 Speaker 1: Write that down? Work through that. Yeah, that'll be good 657 00:41:12,880 --> 00:41:13,080 Speaker 1: for you. 658 00:41:13,280 --> 00:41:15,600 Speaker 2: Yeah, I am. This is a lesson. This is going 659 00:41:15,640 --> 00:41:17,399 Speaker 2: to be a lesson for me to just like I said, 660 00:41:17,440 --> 00:41:20,240 Speaker 2: to replay it, just to listen, to be an active 661 00:41:20,280 --> 00:41:22,719 Speaker 2: listener after the fact, and just take it all in 662 00:41:22,840 --> 00:41:26,200 Speaker 2: what you're saying. So I appreciate you and all that 663 00:41:26,239 --> 00:41:29,640 Speaker 2: you do. I appreciate today's time. I'm glad that I 664 00:41:29,640 --> 00:41:32,240 Speaker 2: woke up early and called because I'm on the West coast, 665 00:41:32,239 --> 00:41:35,000 Speaker 2: so I'm glad that I got through. Oh good, this 666 00:41:35,080 --> 00:41:38,279 Speaker 2: is a blessing. So thank you, Thank you, Thank you 667 00:41:38,360 --> 00:41:40,880 Speaker 2: for all that you do for everybody, not just me, 668 00:41:41,040 --> 00:41:43,799 Speaker 2: but this has been fantastic, and thank you. 669 00:41:44,160 --> 00:41:47,520 Speaker 1: And I want to thank you because what I know 670 00:41:47,640 --> 00:41:51,560 Speaker 1: to be true about us as women, you called and 671 00:41:51,680 --> 00:41:59,120 Speaker 1: asked this question, presented this situationship. But you were the 672 00:41:59,520 --> 00:42:04,279 Speaker 1: tool the universe used to speak to hundreds of thousands 673 00:42:04,680 --> 00:42:08,440 Speaker 1: of mothers of sons who are exactly where you are. 674 00:42:09,320 --> 00:42:12,120 Speaker 1: You are not alone. I want you to know that, 675 00:42:12,920 --> 00:42:15,080 Speaker 1: and I want you to give yourself credit for the 676 00:42:15,200 --> 00:42:18,760 Speaker 1: courage it took for you to come and expose yourself 677 00:42:18,800 --> 00:42:22,160 Speaker 1: in this way. And as sister women, we all thank you. 678 00:42:22,840 --> 00:42:24,719 Speaker 2: Oh well, blessing, Thank you, so much. 679 00:42:25,080 --> 00:42:31,600 Speaker 1: Okay, my love, let me know how you make out. Okay, okay, 680 00:42:31,680 --> 00:42:39,320 Speaker 1: bye bye, Mothers and sons. It can be a rough 681 00:42:39,480 --> 00:42:45,120 Speaker 1: road to travel. We have to remember that our children 682 00:42:45,160 --> 00:42:48,160 Speaker 1: are not our children. They are the sons and the 683 00:42:48,239 --> 00:42:52,880 Speaker 1: daughters of life, owning themselves. They come to us, but 684 00:42:52,920 --> 00:42:55,440 Speaker 1: they are not from us. Although they are with us, 685 00:42:55,920 --> 00:43:00,480 Speaker 1: they belong not to us. So as mothers of sons, 686 00:43:00,960 --> 00:43:05,319 Speaker 1: we have to give them the permission, the space to 687 00:43:05,480 --> 00:43:09,560 Speaker 1: grow into who it is they've come to be, and 688 00:43:09,640 --> 00:43:12,200 Speaker 1: that may not be who we want them to be. 689 00:43:12,520 --> 00:43:17,239 Speaker 1: But every soul has its assignment and as moms, we 690 00:43:17,440 --> 00:43:20,239 Speaker 1: just have to take the bitter with the sweet, and 691 00:43:20,320 --> 00:43:24,520 Speaker 1: sometimes it's more bitter than sweet. That's our show for today. 692 00:43:24,640 --> 00:43:27,080 Speaker 1: Thank you for tuning in, and I want to leave 693 00:43:27,120 --> 00:43:30,440 Speaker 1: you with this. No matter what it looks like, Mom, 694 00:43:30,560 --> 00:43:34,440 Speaker 1: no matter how ugly your son is behaving, stay in 695 00:43:34,560 --> 00:43:40,640 Speaker 1: peace and not in pieces. See you next time. I 696 00:43:40,680 --> 00:43:43,000 Speaker 1: hope this has been helpful to someone, And if you 697 00:43:43,080 --> 00:43:47,719 Speaker 1: have a question about this or any other relationship issue, 698 00:43:47,840 --> 00:43:51,080 Speaker 1: you can call me live at seven seven five three 699 00:43:51,200 --> 00:43:54,400 Speaker 1: zero seven seven seven sixty eight. Now be sure to 700 00:43:54,440 --> 00:44:00,000 Speaker 1: follow me on social media for all of the calling Times. 701 00:44:02,640 --> 00:44:06,080 Speaker 1: The R Spot is a production of Shondaland Audio in 702 00:44:06,200 --> 00:44:11,840 Speaker 1: partnership with iHeartRadio. For more podcasts from Shondaland Audio, visit 703 00:44:11,920 --> 00:44:16,239 Speaker 1: the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you listen to 704 00:44:16,560 --> 00:44:17,640 Speaker 1: your favorite shows.