Speaker 1: Hello everybody, and welcome back to the Psychology of Your Twenties,
Speaker 1: the podcast where we talk through some of the big
Speaker 1: life changes and transitions of our twenties and what they
Speaker 1: mean for our psychology. Hello everybody, Welcome back to the show.
Speaker 1: Welcome back to the podcast, new listeners, old listeners. Wherever
Speaker 1: you are in the world, it is so great to
Speaker 1: have you here. Back for another episode as we, of
Speaker 1: course break down the psychology.
Speaker 2: Of our twenties. One of the things that we tend
Speaker 2: to worry about more than anything else in our lives,
Speaker 2: and especially in our twenties is love. Is by far
Speaker 2: the theme that I get the most questions and worries about,
Speaker 2: and a big one is whether we even have the
Speaker 2: capacity to love and be loved, whether we are even
Speaker 2: worthy of that experience, and why do is that we
Speaker 2: feel like when not? And that is exactly what I
Speaker 2: want to discuss today and really delve into. Why is
Speaker 2: it that we feel so unlovable? Why is it that
Speaker 2: we have followed or overwhelmed by these doubts that we
Speaker 2: will never find anybody, that we will always be alone,
Speaker 2: and that we you know, even if we do find somebody,
Speaker 2: we will have to settle with good enough rather than
Speaker 2: a love that is spectacular and amazing. It is a
Speaker 2: real mental prison to want something so bad and have
Speaker 2: this equally strong voice in your head telling you that
Speaker 2: you will never have it or that you don't deserve it.
Speaker 2: Not only is this, you know, a really hard battle,
Speaker 2: especially when the voice is kind of coming from inside
Speaker 2: the house, but it's also so much more common than
Speaker 2: we think. That is one thing that I can promise you.
Speaker 2: There are so many of us, especially in this decade,
Speaker 2: looking around feeling like love is not something that we
Speaker 2: deserve or something that we can have. And this experience,
Speaker 2: this mental state has some really striking psychological origins, from
Speaker 2: childhood to even early romantic experiences or lack thereof in
Speaker 2: high school, in our teen years, pivotal moments of rejection
Speaker 2: and shame that really cause us to internalize a lot
Speaker 2: of comparison and criticism and insecurity. So understanding where it
Speaker 2: all began, I think, is the first point for kind
Speaker 2: of accepting what we've been through, escaping the maze, and
Speaker 2: then truly feeling like we deserve vibrant love in our
Speaker 2: lives that I mean truly deserve it. These origin points
Speaker 2: of all of our self doubts and you know, self
Speaker 2: beliefs about why we are unlovable. They might seem permanent,
Speaker 2: it might seem like our kind of destiny. But you
Speaker 2: can really rediscover, or perhaps discover for the first time,
Speaker 2: all of the things that make you brilliant and all
Speaker 2: the things that make you quite honestly a catch, and
Speaker 2: that there are so many people who would be so
Speaker 2: lucky to have you in their lives. And with that
Speaker 2: you really raise your confidence, you raise your levels of
Speaker 2: self love, and of course you also raise the bar
Speaker 2: for what you deserve, the standard for who gets to
Speaker 2: love you, rather than living in a scarcity state where
Speaker 2: anyone who comes along and promises you the bare minimum
Speaker 2: gets let in. So that's what we're going to discuss today.
Speaker 2: Why do we feel so undeserving of love? Where does
Speaker 2: that come from? And what exactly can we do about it?
Speaker 2: How do we heal from the wounds that have created
Speaker 2: this belief system? So, without further ado, let's get into it.
Speaker 2: To be vulnerable for a second, there was a point
Speaker 2: in my life where so desperate for love and at
Speaker 2: the same time felt so undeserving of it that anyone
Speaker 2: who even gave me like the slightest bit of attention,
Speaker 2: it felt like they were the one. It felt like
Speaker 2: I had met my soulmate, and it caused me to
Speaker 2: end up with a lot of people that at the
Speaker 2: end of the day I never even liked and who
Speaker 2: were most certainly not worth my time. And I can
Speaker 2: recognize that now. I can recognize that all of my
Speaker 2: habits stemmed from how unworthy of love that I felt.
Speaker 2: And these same habits were not only attracting these people
Speaker 2: to me, but they were also making it so I
Speaker 2: kept them in my orbit, even when time and time
Speaker 2: again they proved to me they did not deserve to
Speaker 2: be there. Essentially, this like deeply rooted sense that I
Speaker 2: was unlovable meant that I had no boundaries, because the
Speaker 2: boundaries that I should have set were just going to
Speaker 2: be another reason that people wouldn't be able to love me.
Speaker 2: But if I lowered them, more people could be let in.
Speaker 2: If I pleased everybody, I could be loved. And I didn't,
Speaker 2: you know, quite think about why exactly those people wouldn't
Speaker 2: have been around before my boundaries were lowered. But again,
Speaker 2: that is the nature of this really insidious self belief
Speaker 2: system that you are unlovable. Not only is it that
Speaker 2: we accept less for ourselves, we also sabotage when we
Speaker 2: have a really good thing going on, because when you
Speaker 2: feel unworthy of that kind of affection and kindness being
Speaker 2: showered on you, you react from a place of fear. This
Speaker 2: experience is so unfamiliar and it feels like it doesn't
Speaker 2: belong to you, so you find you know some kind
Speaker 2: of way unconsciously to end it before the other person
Speaker 2: wakes up and realizes that for themselves, it's again a
Speaker 2: whole labyrinth. Feeling unworthy of love causes us to miss
Speaker 2: out on a lot of opportunities because we close ourselves off,
Speaker 2: We reject ourselves before we even get to the start line.
Speaker 2: And it can also be lonely. In fact, I think
Speaker 2: that is one of the core pillars of this experience
Speaker 2: is that it creates loneliness. It makes us inherently somebody
Speaker 2: that is isolated and perhaps living very solitary, even when
Speaker 2: we are surrounded by other people, and it continues to
Speaker 2: shape a series of behaviors that sadly keep it that way.
Speaker 2: So let's talk about why that is. When we feel unlovable.
Speaker 2: It's not just that we feel generally undeserving of love.
Speaker 2: It often also means that we think there is something
Speaker 2: about us that makes us a fundamentally bad person, or
Speaker 2: there is something about us that others would look at
Speaker 2: and immediately turn away from. You know, this could be
Speaker 2: some part of our personality that somebody has, you know,
Speaker 2: told us isn't attractive or isn't desirable. You know, we're
Speaker 2: too loud, we're too much, we're too sensitive. It could
Speaker 2: be some feature of our body, our weight, our height,
Speaker 2: our mental health, believing that no one could love us
Speaker 2: at our lowest or our past. Each of us has
Speaker 2: some insecurity, some secret, something that we think almost brands
Speaker 2: us with this big sign that says this one is unlovable.
Speaker 2: That's really what it feels like. And the saddest part
Speaker 2: about recognizing that is subsequently recognizing that somebody else had
Speaker 2: to teach that to us. No one enters this world
Speaker 2: inherently hating who they are. Someone out there, you know,
Speaker 2: if we think about this hypothetical, there is somebody out
Speaker 2: there who has never been exposed to unkind words, who
Speaker 2: has never been exposed to social judgments or media portrayals
Speaker 2: or unkind statements, or bullying or teasing, and they would
Speaker 2: not have the insecurities that we have because they inherently
Speaker 2: have a social origin. It's the same thing as like
Speaker 2: someone who has never seen a mirror could never call
Speaker 2: themselves ugly, who has never been scolded or shamed or
Speaker 2: embarrassed or teased about some aspect of themselves will never
Speaker 2: learn to hate what makes them them, and they will
Speaker 2: always feel deserving of love. So, you know, we learn
Speaker 2: how to love ourselves by how others have or haven't
Speaker 2: loved us. That is where this sense of inherent unworthiness
Speaker 2: typically emerges. It is learned and therefore it's also taught.
Speaker 2: So I think the most obvious source of this sense
Speaker 2: that we are unlovable is our childhood and how our caregivers,
Speaker 2: typically our parents showed us affection and showed us care.
Speaker 2: This is where, like the whole theory of attachment style
Speaker 2: emerges from, you know, the premise being that our initial
Speaker 2: bond with our parents goes on to shape all future bonds.
Speaker 2: And if they showed us unconditional, unquestionable love, that is
Speaker 2: what we will seek in the future because that was
Speaker 2: the example that was set. That is the norm. But
Speaker 2: if they were dismissive or emotionally unavailable, if there was
Speaker 2: some level of abandonment, if they suffered from something that
Speaker 2: made it difficult for them to parent correctly, like an
Speaker 2: addiction or an untreated mental health condition, if they experienced
Speaker 2: trauma themselves. You know that's going to be passed down
Speaker 2: to us through an avoidant or anxious attachment style, because
Speaker 2: the way that we were able to bond with them
Speaker 2: was in some way disrupted or disturbed. And there have
Speaker 2: been a lot of recent studies confirming what I think
Speaker 2: we already knew, which is that yet again, insecurely attached
Speaker 2: individuals implicitly often believe that they do not deserve love,
Speaker 2: and it all stems back from these childhood and early
Speaker 2: adolescent as well origins. It becomes this very deeply ingrained
Speaker 2: part of their belief system. So, especially if there is
Speaker 2: you know, a history of abuse in your childhood as well,
Speaker 2: it is it is difficult to not internalize those experiences
Speaker 2: as being a reflection of you, that you were a
Speaker 2: bad kid, that you were undeserving, you were inherently unlovable,
Speaker 2: because as children, we kind of don't have any other
Speaker 2: way to rationalize those experiences. You've got to remember here
Speaker 2: that our brains try really hard to protect the bond
Speaker 2: that we have with our caregivers by idolizing them, by
Speaker 2: creating a fantasy, by almost suppressing memories of their wrongdoing,
Speaker 2: because as children, we are really really dependent on them
Speaker 2: for everything. So if we truly believed that they were
Speaker 2: bad people or that they were seriously trying to hurt us,
Speaker 2: we would have nowhere else to turn to. So it's
Speaker 2: a survival mechanism to idolize our parents to keep coming
Speaker 2: back to them. Our brains therefore have to turn to
Speaker 2: the next logical explanation for what we are experiencing. And
Speaker 2: the only other person in this equation is us, and
Speaker 2: so we must be the problem. We are the issue.
Speaker 2: A lot of times, people who have gone through this
Speaker 2: abuse deduced that they must be so unlovable as to
Speaker 2: deserve that experience, And as we get older, we know
Speaker 2: that that is untrue because all of our rational thinking
Speaker 2: skills begin to click in because we see that other
Speaker 2: people didn't experience what we experienced, because we learn what
Speaker 2: is actually okay, But that doesn't change what has already
Speaker 2: been done. It doesn't change that we already have this
Speaker 2: belief system based in our experiences that we have to unlearn.
Speaker 2: So Floud, sick and fraud was someoney who was really
Speaker 2: interested in what kind of behaviors this experience creates for adults,
Speaker 2: and he observed this unconscious tendency especially amongst people who
Speaker 2: experienced emotional or physical abuse as children, called repetition compulsion.
Speaker 2: So back when he was studying this in like the
Speaker 2: nineteen twenties, he noticed that quite a few of his
Speaker 2: patients were basically recreating traumatic experiences in new ways, in
Speaker 2: new scenarios or a new environment. They were constantly in
Speaker 2: this process of reliving and repeating what had happened to them.
Speaker 2: And it wasn't a mental process, It's that they were
Speaker 2: There was some like unconscious, subconscious part of them that
Speaker 2: would enter, you know, a new relationship and almost always
Speaker 2: immediately seek out people who were just like their parents,
Speaker 2: or they would live out their trauma through this new experience.
Speaker 2: So the reason why he kind of believed that this
Speaker 2: happened was because firstly, it was a way to ease
Speaker 2: the initial emotional trauma by almost getting used to that
Speaker 2: trauma again and again and again, like when you keep
Speaker 2: pressing down on a brew the pain lessons because we
Speaker 2: become more tolerable, less sensitive to it. But he also
Speaker 2: believed that maybe it was because the reason this repetition
Speaker 2: compulsion was occurring was that it allowed people to gain
Speaker 2: mastery over the experience. So if you experienced a difficult childhood,
Speaker 2: a difficult attachment, this kind of theory says that you
Speaker 2: go looking for that in every new person because this
Speaker 2: is kind of all that you are familiar with. And
Speaker 2: it may be why that not only do we feel
Speaker 2: unworthy of love, but we also become quite cynical about
Speaker 2: other's ability to give us love because we have never
Speaker 2: encountered a situation that proves differently. Because there is some
Speaker 2: part of us that I don't like to say is
Speaker 2: attracted to bad people, because I think that puts a
Speaker 2: lot of the blame on us. But there is some
Speaker 2: compulsion that draws us back to the comfort of what
Speaker 2: was familiar, even if that was terrible. So childhood experiences
Speaker 2: are one thing, and don't get me wrong, they are
Speaker 2: probably the biggest contributor to a sense of feeling unlovable.
Speaker 2: But there are many people who may look back at
Speaker 2: their memories and say, no, you know, everything was so
Speaker 2: perfect for me. I never wanted for anything physical or emotional.
Speaker 2: I had beautiful, loving parents, why do I still feel unlovable?
Speaker 2: And that is where our teen and adult experiences really
Speaker 2: come into it. You know, it's not like we're only
Speaker 2: influenced by our infancy. We continue to learn and observe
Speaker 2: and shift, change, evolve, be influenced by experiences and you know,
Speaker 2: events way into adulthood. And often I think that our
Speaker 2: teenage years are just if not more formative for our
Speaker 2: sense of self worth than our childhood. It's really during
Speaker 2: this developmental stage, this chapter, that we begin to also
Speaker 2: get a taste for romantic love, beyond the familial and
Speaker 2: platonic love that we've been used to. It's like, you know,
Speaker 2: all you turn thirteen, all your friends turn thirteen, and
Speaker 2: suddenly you want boyfriends and you want girlfriends. And we
Speaker 2: begin to perceive that our value is in some way
Speaker 2: derived from whether other people find us attractive or have
Speaker 2: a crush on us, or want to date us, or
Speaker 2: want to hold hands with us, want to take us
Speaker 2: to prom and want to take us to form more.
Speaker 2: And you know, as adults, you might roll your eyes
Speaker 2: at those moments and think of them as really childish
Speaker 2: and really silly, but they're actually really valuable as a way.
Speaker 2: You know, they're actually really valuable in creating our romantic
Speaker 2: social scripts. So understanding how people relate to each other,
Speaker 2: understand kind of it's like love with training wheels on,
Speaker 2: you know. That's what teenage romance, especially in early teenagehood
Speaker 2: is kind of like. And if you skip that step,
Speaker 2: if you've never had it, eventually you start to wonder
Speaker 2: why the further along you get, our teenage years are
Speaker 2: this chapter of like ultimate insecurity and comparison and wanting
Speaker 2: to fit in. So when you feel behind in a
Speaker 2: certain way, that can definitely carry with you later into
Speaker 2: life because it's emotionally significant at the time, it's also
Speaker 2: a period in which we are really developing our self confidence.
Speaker 2: So even small, minor things can disturb that process.
Speaker 1: You know.
Speaker 2: I think I've told you this story before, but back
Speaker 2: when I was in high school, I had like one
Speaker 2: boyfriend and it was like really near the end. But
Speaker 2: I spent so much time like watching all my friends
Speaker 2: get like carried away in these like young romances and
Speaker 2: never really having anybody who was attracted to me or
Speaker 2: into me, or like wanted to be wanted to date me.
Speaker 2: And sometimes I wonder whether you know, I would have
Speaker 2: had better standards for myself if I had not felt
Speaker 2: like I was missing out, if I didn't feel quite
Speaker 2: so desperate, if I didn't feel quite so unworthy based
Speaker 2: on those experiences. Essentially, the reason this may contribute to
Speaker 2: feeling unlovable is because it actually contributes to an insecurity
Speaker 2: about our desirability. That's really the thing about being desired.
Speaker 2: You can't desire yourself. Somebody else needs to be part
Speaker 2: of the picture to confirm that you are indeed somebody
Speaker 2: that is wanted and likable and worthy of their intention.
Speaker 2: And if that never happens for you, it's hard to
Speaker 2: feel like you are actually somebody who is deserving of
Speaker 2: all those things, or who is looked at in that way.
Speaker 2: That can create a lack of confidence, and that is
Speaker 2: I think only exacerbated the older we get and the
Speaker 2: further we get into our twenties and beyond without still
Speaker 2: having those experiences. Everybody around us is having these flings
Speaker 2: or these love interests, or these big romanceers. It can
Speaker 2: really feel like the only question left to ask is
Speaker 2: what is wrong with me? What don't I have? Why
Speaker 2: have I not had this experience? You know, it's very
Speaker 2: easy to also overlook the logical explanations as to why
Speaker 2: not you just haven't met the right person. It just
Speaker 2: wasn't your time, you've been busy with other things like
Speaker 2: those are all super logical explanations for why this hasn't
Speaker 2: happened yet. But social comparison leaves us feeling lacking and
Speaker 2: therefore drawing the wrong conclusions about our desirability, our worthiness,
Speaker 2: and therefore our capacity to receive love. So let's turn
Speaker 2: to another area, which is the experience that happens when we,
Speaker 2: you know, do start dating or do get into relationships,
Speaker 2: and how that can also leave wounds around our you know,
Speaker 2: sense of worthiness even before we get into a relationship
Speaker 2: with somebody, I think frequently experiencing rejections can also really
Speaker 2: damage our self esteem, especially when they continuously happen. We
Speaker 2: do start to reconsider whether the common denominator is us,
Speaker 2: you know, if this person didn't text us back after
Speaker 2: a first date, if you know, we didn't get as
Speaker 2: many matches on dating apps as our friends, if this
Speaker 2: guy you know, dumped us after like a couple of
Speaker 2: weeks of dating, that can really start to chip away
Speaker 2: at our self confidence. I also want to add here
Speaker 2: that can also be for friendships as well. You know,
Speaker 2: if you've had a few friendship breakups, if you've had
Speaker 2: a few letdowns, a few rejections. When it comes to
Speaker 2: putting yourself out there in any capacity and trying to
Speaker 2: make connection, that all comes back to love, right, That
Speaker 2: all comes back to feeling desired in a social sense.
Speaker 2: So it's not just like poor experiences when it comes
Speaker 2: to romantic relationships can really blind us to our sense
Speaker 2: of worthiness. Platonic experiences, familiar experiences can also have an impact.
Speaker 2: And so what that can create in you is that
Speaker 2: you feel like the only way to ever have that
Speaker 2: is to lower your standards, especially when this scarcity effect
Speaker 2: begins to kick in the sense that this thing is
Speaker 2: so valuable, it is so available to other people and
Speaker 2: you don't have it, that you're more desperate to find
Speaker 2: it the more you value it. That the scarcy effect
Speaker 2: is essentially feeling that something is more valuable when it
Speaker 2: is less available to you. So the less available love
Speaker 2: is to you, the more valuable it is, the more
Speaker 2: you will do to obtain it. Perhaps the lower your
Speaker 2: standards become, the less you kind of respect other's ability
Speaker 2: to respect you. Not every experience with love, whether it
Speaker 2: is our first or most recent, is going to be positive,
Speaker 2: is going to be golden. If there is anything that
Speaker 2: we have learned so far, it's that the people we
Speaker 2: love the most can actually cause us the most harm.
Speaker 2: And that goes for our exes, that goes for the
Speaker 2: people that we fall in love with. A partner can
Speaker 2: leave you feeling pretty worthless, especially if they've been cruel,
Speaker 2: especially if they've made you feel like you demand too much,
Speaker 2: especially if they've spoken down to you, ignored you, never
Speaker 2: fully reciprocated your intimacy, your love, your generosity, your care.
Speaker 2: After a while, you change your expectations around what it
Speaker 2: actually means to be loved and what it actually what
Speaker 2: you actually deserve. You know, if this person you trust
Speaker 2: and obviously care about still doesn't see you as worthy
Speaker 2: of everything that you give them or everything that you want,
Speaker 2: who is going to believe that you are? Who was
Speaker 2: going to give you those things? This is a component
Speaker 2: of narcissistic abuse as well, and I don't use that
Speaker 2: term lightly, but it is a component of it that
Speaker 2: I often see when people find themselves in a situation
Speaker 2: with a partner who belittles them, who wears them down,
Speaker 2: who gives and takes. That is so often intentional, because
Speaker 2: the poor your self esteem becomes, the less deserving you feel,
Speaker 2: the less likely it is that you will believe that
Speaker 2: you can find somebody better, and the more likely it
Speaker 2: is that you will stay, and that gives them control
Speaker 2: your belief that you are unlovable. That benefits their ego,
Speaker 2: and it benefits their intentions. Again, it also often creates
Speaker 2: this cycle of jumping from one terrible relationship to the next.
Speaker 2: And it all starts with somebody teaching you that you
Speaker 2: can't find better, so you accept what you think is normal,
Speaker 2: which is quite frankly, horrible horrible love. I want to
Speaker 2: be clear, really clear here, crystal clear. None of that
Speaker 2: is your fault, none of it. How are you meant
Speaker 2: to know any better if you have never had an example?
Speaker 2: How you meant you think that you deserve better if
Speaker 2: your confidence has been destroyed. It's not just that you
Speaker 2: feel unworthy of love as a result of these experiences,
Speaker 2: but also that you perhaps feel shame. Shame around what
Speaker 2: you've tolerated, Shame around the fact that this keeps happening,
Speaker 2: Shame around the fact that you haven't found the one yet.
Speaker 2: And I think this all just continues to trigger, you know,
Speaker 2: a lack of self esteem, a sense of unworthiness, and
Speaker 2: the repetition of this experience an identical pattern, because there
Speaker 2: is nothing that is breaking the cycle here. Honestly, it
Speaker 2: has to be one of the worst things that you
Speaker 2: can put another person through. It's breaking down our most
Speaker 2: precious and core belief, which is that we are a
Speaker 2: lovable creature, that we are deserving of love. It's, you know,
Speaker 2: so crazy to me that people can do that to
Speaker 2: other people, because every person is genuinely just so special
Speaker 2: and unique and deserving. It's like a It is a
Speaker 2: basic human need and human right to be loved and
Speaker 2: to receive love. So depriving somebody of that, or telling
Speaker 2: them that they aren't worthy of it is it's criminal.
Speaker 2: It's also I think worth noting that people who are
Speaker 2: simultaneously struggling with mental health concerns or conditions like depression,
Speaker 2: like PTSD, like borderline personality disorder, amongst many others, they're
Speaker 2: already at an increased risk of feeling unworthy and feeling
Speaker 2: worthless and that sense of self doubt, and so those
Speaker 2: experiences combined with a traumatic upbringing, combined with early experiences
Speaker 2: of rejection and shame, combined with a terrible experience and
Speaker 2: a past relationship are just going to make you so
Speaker 2: much more susceptible to this false belief system. And I
Speaker 2: spoke about this in my episode on dating and mental
Speaker 2: health in our twenties. But it can be hard to
Speaker 2: see others valuing you when you're struggling to value yourself
Speaker 2: as well. It can be a really hard mindset to
Speaker 2: navigate wanting love but also feeling like you'll be a
Speaker 2: burden if you accept it into your life. There are
Speaker 2: so many different factors that contribute to this feeling of
Speaker 2: what feels like inherent unworthiness. So what do we do
Speaker 2: about it? How can we relearn self love beyond the
Speaker 2: basics of self care and self acceptance, but like truly
Speaker 2: relearn at the core of ourselves, in our the fiber
Speaker 2: of our being, what we are entitled to, and how
Speaker 2: to raise our standards and how to actually attract good, deep,
Speaker 2: meaningful love into our lives. So we're going to talk
Speaker 2: about all of that and more after this shortbreak. If
Speaker 2: there is one thing that I believe passionately, it's that
Speaker 2: self love is not always romantic. It is really tough
Speaker 2: sometimes doing an entire belief system, even if you didn't
Speaker 2: create it in the first place. It is hard to
Speaker 2: be vulnerable, and it is hard to be soft after
Speaker 2: so many years of being strong and hard and resilient,
Speaker 2: of trying so hard to convince yourself that you don't
Speaker 2: need love, that you're better off alone, that you don't care.
Speaker 2: But I saw this amazing TikTok the other day from
Speaker 2: this woman saying, I know that I'm deserving of love
Speaker 2: because I love myself and I was once my own
Speaker 2: worst enemy. I hated myself more than anybody else in
Speaker 2: the world. And if that person can still learn to
Speaker 2: love me, I am sure that somebody else can as well.
Speaker 2: And that is exactly the attitude that we want to
Speaker 2: be Taking. As cliche as it sounds, feeling worthy of
Speaker 2: love really does start with you, and it also starts
Speaker 2: with realizing that it's not just about having your basic
Speaker 2: needs met. It's about actually finding love that is enriching
Speaker 2: and rewarding and generous, and being open to receiving that,
Speaker 2: not just believing that you would like it, but being
Speaker 2: open to seeing somebody offering that to you and thinking
Speaker 2: that is for me, and it begins with kind of
Speaker 2: showing that love to ourselves and setting an example not
Speaker 2: just for others, but for us that this is what
Speaker 2: we deserve. There is no love that is off limits
Speaker 2: to us because we have already shown ourselves the highest
Speaker 2: form of appreciation and compassion, the highest form of intimacy
Speaker 2: and connection. So if somebody cannot meet that standard that
Speaker 2: we are showing ourselves, are they really worth it? I
Speaker 2: know that sounds like big words. How do we actually
Speaker 2: get there? Firstly, I think it's important to love yourself
Speaker 2: where you are at, even if it's not where you
Speaker 2: want to be. It is a lot easier to say, yeah,
Speaker 2: I'll start dating again, or I'll be worthy of love
Speaker 2: when I fix this, when I'm better at that, when
Speaker 2: I have this thing, when I've lost that weight. But
Speaker 2: that attaches our value and our worthiness to some kind
Speaker 2: of weird milestone, to success in something, to output, to productivity,
Speaker 2: to self improvement, which is not the case. Our love
Speaker 2: is inherent. We don't need to change for it. It
Speaker 2: also means that, you know, like I just said, we
Speaker 2: still believe that love is conditional on something else happening first,
Speaker 2: rather than just the fact that you're an amazing, cool
Speaker 2: person as you are right now. That obviously doesn't mean
Speaker 2: that you can't be committed to self improvement or you
Speaker 2: can't want to change something about yourself, but it's important
Speaker 2: to think about whether you're doing it for you or
Speaker 2: for somebody else. A relationship love that is not a
Speaker 2: reward for working on yourself period. I understand wanting to
Speaker 2: be in the right heads for a relationship if you've
Speaker 2: just been broken up with or if you do really
Speaker 2: want to undo some of those negative beliefs, But I
Speaker 2: want you to be honest with yourself. Are you waiting
Speaker 2: because you're not ready for love, or because you still
Speaker 2: don't feel like you deserve it, or because you are
Speaker 2: scared of what you might find or not find and
Speaker 2: what that might confirm about you. This is where we
Speaker 2: need to work on the second of our new and
Speaker 2: improved beliefs. How others treat you and their impression of
Speaker 2: your desirability or your worthiness is a reflection of them,
Speaker 2: not you. I like to think about this as if
Speaker 2: we are a piece of art. Somebody is going to
Speaker 2: look at you to look at you the artwork, and
Speaker 2: you just might you know, you just might not be
Speaker 2: their type or their taste. That's okay. They are allowed
Speaker 2: to have preferences. But somebody else might come along and
Speaker 2: look at you and be like you the art work
Speaker 2: and just it will change their life. Nothing has spoken
Speaker 2: to their soul more, Nothing is better in their eyes.
Speaker 2: The thing to realize is that the art hasn't changed.
Speaker 2: Though when you go to a museum, it's not like
Speaker 2: they switch out the paintings based on the preferences of
Speaker 2: the viewers. You like, the art just continues to exist.
Speaker 2: The thing that changes is people, and is how people
Speaker 2: treat the art and their perception of its beauty and
Speaker 2: its worthiness. And that is you. You are the art.
Speaker 2: It doesn't matter like the art does not change. The
Speaker 2: beauty of the art does not change based on who
Speaker 2: was viewing it. The worthiness of the art does not change.
Speaker 2: It's still in the museum, you know. That doesn't change
Speaker 2: based on whether someone sees the technique that it took,
Speaker 2: or sees the effort that it took, or sees the
Speaker 2: colors and the texture, and you know, all the beauty
Speaker 2: behind it that somebody does not. I think when we
Speaker 2: detach the those two things, you know, our worthiness and
Speaker 2: other people's opinions. Those two things are separate. We are
Speaker 2: better able to pull from the things we know to
Speaker 2: be true about us, rather than others' impressions of those things.
Speaker 2: You are still kind, creative, intelligent, attractive, funny, dedicated, inspiring, motivated,
Speaker 2: a good friend. You are still all number of qualities
Speaker 2: despite or because of somebody else's recognition. That does not change.
Speaker 2: So the second kind of step to this is noticing
Speaker 2: when you start also to put words in the mouths
Speaker 2: of people who have never spoken them. If someone doesn't
Speaker 2: message you back after a second date or a first date,
Speaker 2: you might assume that it's because they thought you were boring,
Speaker 2: or too sensitive, or too loud, or because you wann't
Speaker 2: what they are expecting. We typically put words in other
Speaker 2: people's mouths, and you know, did they say that, No,
Speaker 2: they didn't. We are applying our own false beliefs onto
Speaker 2: a puppet. We're projecting our assumptions onto somebody you know
Speaker 2: who didn't text you back because they are emotionally lazy,
Speaker 2: you know who maybe got busy. Like It's not that
Speaker 2: we're finding excuses for them, it's that we're actually just
Speaker 2: not assuming. We are just letting them exist. And we
Speaker 2: are letting ourselves exist, and we are recognizing that how
Speaker 2: they feel about us really doesn't say anything about us.
Speaker 2: I think that applies to a number of scenarios where
Speaker 2: we tend to implant our past experiences onto a new
Speaker 2: situation that really isn't the same. Or we look for
Speaker 2: the most available explanation, which for us is that we're unlovable.
Speaker 2: But just because that's the most available explanation doesn't mean
Speaker 2: that it is true. Often again, this is all deriving
Speaker 2: from a false belief, not from fact. I think that
Speaker 2: that can become harder when you know, as we spoke
Speaker 2: about before, they do tell us, especially when it comes
Speaker 2: to an X or a partner who was emotionally close
Speaker 2: to us and hurt us. It's really hard to not
Speaker 2: take those things incredibly personally and carry them with us
Speaker 2: for the rest of our life. But again, an opinion,
Speaker 2: a judgment of cruelty is not fact, it will never be.
Speaker 2: That can be hard to recover from. But the secret
Speaker 2: lies in concentrating and borrowing down into what you know
Speaker 2: is true about yourself and your self worth, the part
Speaker 2: of you that stays stable regardless of others. One way
Speaker 2: I really bolstered my own sense of worthiness in the
Speaker 2: face of these experiences was by choosing to almost like
Speaker 2: have a bit of a love affair with myself. Now
Speaker 2: I've spoken about this before, but if you want to
Speaker 2: fall back in love with yourself and rediscover how amazing
Speaker 2: you are and really begin to defeat those debilitating core beliefs,
Speaker 2: why not date yourself for a while. And I mean
Speaker 2: date yourself. I'm talking dinners, I'm talking flowers, quality time, compliments,
Speaker 2: weekend trips away. You really need to romance yourself. This
Speaker 2: may sound odd, it might sound a little bit silly,
Speaker 2: but again, set the example that perhaps hasn't been set
Speaker 2: for you. Set the standard that people need to live
Speaker 2: up to, because if they can't show you the love
Speaker 2: that you show yourself, which is honestly the bare minimum,
Speaker 2: are you letting them in just because you don't think
Speaker 2: you can do better, or are you letting them in
Speaker 2: because they are actually worthy of everything that you have
Speaker 2: to offer. Finally, I recommend therapy all the time on
Speaker 2: this podcast because it is just genuinely so important and
Speaker 2: it does work, especially for a sense of unworthiness, and
Speaker 2: you know, especially knowing that that is really rooted in
Speaker 2: childhood and past trauma and experiences. It is so valuable
Speaker 2: to wrap your head around your response to what you
Speaker 2: have been through and how that has created your belief system,
Speaker 2: and how that has created your sense of self worth.
Speaker 2: And you know, I wouldn't talk about it so much
Speaker 2: unless it worked, and it's worked for me and so
Speaker 2: many other people that I know, especially in this case,
Speaker 2: dynamic interpersonal therapy, which really focuses on how dysfunctional beliefs
Speaker 2: are based on relationships and how that impacts our mood,
Speaker 2: but also dialectical behavior therapy talking it through getting to
Speaker 2: the root of your emotions and where they came from,
Speaker 2: where they were born from. One final reminder for you,
Speaker 2: the last thing that determines your worthiness, particularly for love,
Speaker 2: is others. They may receive it and appreciate it, but
Speaker 2: they should never have the power to influence it. Anybody
Speaker 2: would be lucky to have you. You are absolutely gorgeous
Speaker 2: and beautiful or handsome, like no one is noticing the
Speaker 2: things that you dislike about yourself more than you. You
Speaker 2: show so much care and kindness, I'm sure to your
Speaker 2: friends and to strangers and to your family. You deserve
Speaker 2: for the love that you show others to be directed
Speaker 2: towards yourself and nothing less. So I am sending so
Speaker 2: much love, and that is a love that you deserve,
Speaker 2: not a love that you had to earn. I think
Speaker 2: that you are incredible for being committed to yourself and
Speaker 2: committed to healing, and committed to thriving and finding you know,
Speaker 2: a real deep compassion for yourself. So thank you so
Speaker 2: much for listening. I really hope that you got something
Speaker 2: out of this. I hope you learned something about yourself,
Speaker 2: about your circumstances, about your thoughts, and that you know,
Speaker 2: if you didn't learn something, at least this was a
Speaker 2: bit of a pep talk and it made you feel
Speaker 2: a little bit better about your life. Make sure that
Speaker 2: you were following along on Spotify or Apple podcasts so
Speaker 2: that you never miss a new episode. And if you
Speaker 2: did enjoy this episode, please feel free to give us
Speaker 2: five starts wherever you're listening right now. If you have
Speaker 2: an episode suggestion, a topic suggestion for me, and you
Speaker 2: want to hear about the psychology of this topic or
Speaker 2: about something to do with our twenties, please feel free
Speaker 2: to DM me at that psychology podcast. I would love
Speaker 2: to hear from you. And as always, stay safe, be kind,
Speaker 2: be gentle to yourself, and we will talk soon.