1 00:00:04,480 --> 00:00:09,320 Speaker 1: Hello everybody, and welcome back to the Psychology of Your Twenties, 2 00:00:09,960 --> 00:00:12,320 Speaker 1: the podcast where we talk through some of the big 3 00:00:12,560 --> 00:00:16,920 Speaker 1: life changes and transitions of our twenties and what they 4 00:00:17,000 --> 00:00:26,040 Speaker 1: mean for our psychology. Hello everybody, Welcome back to the show. 5 00:00:26,160 --> 00:00:30,800 Speaker 1: Welcome back to the podcast, new listeners, old listeners. Wherever 6 00:00:30,840 --> 00:00:33,239 Speaker 1: you are in the world, it is so great to 7 00:00:33,280 --> 00:00:36,360 Speaker 1: have you here. Back for another episode as we, of 8 00:00:36,400 --> 00:00:39,159 Speaker 1: course break down the psychology. 9 00:00:38,720 --> 00:00:41,800 Speaker 2: Of our twenties. One of the things that we tend 10 00:00:41,880 --> 00:00:44,080 Speaker 2: to worry about more than anything else in our lives, 11 00:00:44,200 --> 00:00:49,440 Speaker 2: and especially in our twenties is love. Is by far 12 00:00:49,920 --> 00:00:52,920 Speaker 2: the theme that I get the most questions and worries about, 13 00:00:53,360 --> 00:00:55,840 Speaker 2: and a big one is whether we even have the 14 00:00:55,880 --> 00:00:59,840 Speaker 2: capacity to love and be loved, whether we are even 15 00:01:00,080 --> 00:01:02,560 Speaker 2: worthy of that experience, and why do is that we 16 00:01:02,600 --> 00:01:06,039 Speaker 2: feel like when not? And that is exactly what I 17 00:01:06,040 --> 00:01:09,720 Speaker 2: want to discuss today and really delve into. Why is 18 00:01:09,760 --> 00:01:13,760 Speaker 2: it that we feel so unlovable? Why is it that 19 00:01:13,800 --> 00:01:17,160 Speaker 2: we have followed or overwhelmed by these doubts that we 20 00:01:17,200 --> 00:01:19,920 Speaker 2: will never find anybody, that we will always be alone, 21 00:01:20,520 --> 00:01:23,360 Speaker 2: and that we you know, even if we do find somebody, 22 00:01:23,400 --> 00:01:27,280 Speaker 2: we will have to settle with good enough rather than 23 00:01:27,319 --> 00:01:31,720 Speaker 2: a love that is spectacular and amazing. It is a 24 00:01:31,760 --> 00:01:36,080 Speaker 2: real mental prison to want something so bad and have 25 00:01:36,160 --> 00:01:39,880 Speaker 2: this equally strong voice in your head telling you that 26 00:01:39,920 --> 00:01:42,440 Speaker 2: you will never have it or that you don't deserve it. 27 00:01:43,080 --> 00:01:45,360 Speaker 2: Not only is this, you know, a really hard battle, 28 00:01:45,800 --> 00:01:48,720 Speaker 2: especially when the voice is kind of coming from inside 29 00:01:48,760 --> 00:01:53,080 Speaker 2: the house, but it's also so much more common than 30 00:01:53,160 --> 00:01:55,680 Speaker 2: we think. That is one thing that I can promise you. 31 00:01:56,160 --> 00:01:59,240 Speaker 2: There are so many of us, especially in this decade, 32 00:02:00,000 --> 00:02:03,360 Speaker 2: looking around feeling like love is not something that we 33 00:02:03,400 --> 00:02:07,280 Speaker 2: deserve or something that we can have. And this experience, 34 00:02:07,400 --> 00:02:12,680 Speaker 2: this mental state has some really striking psychological origins, from 35 00:02:13,240 --> 00:02:18,080 Speaker 2: childhood to even early romantic experiences or lack thereof in 36 00:02:18,160 --> 00:02:21,440 Speaker 2: high school, in our teen years, pivotal moments of rejection 37 00:02:21,639 --> 00:02:25,000 Speaker 2: and shame that really cause us to internalize a lot 38 00:02:25,040 --> 00:02:29,920 Speaker 2: of comparison and criticism and insecurity. So understanding where it 39 00:02:29,960 --> 00:02:32,560 Speaker 2: all began, I think, is the first point for kind 40 00:02:32,639 --> 00:02:37,440 Speaker 2: of accepting what we've been through, escaping the maze, and 41 00:02:37,480 --> 00:02:41,400 Speaker 2: then truly feeling like we deserve vibrant love in our 42 00:02:41,480 --> 00:02:45,040 Speaker 2: lives that I mean truly deserve it. These origin points 43 00:02:45,040 --> 00:02:47,080 Speaker 2: of all of our self doubts and you know, self 44 00:02:47,120 --> 00:02:51,880 Speaker 2: beliefs about why we are unlovable. They might seem permanent, 45 00:02:52,040 --> 00:02:55,840 Speaker 2: it might seem like our kind of destiny. But you 46 00:02:55,880 --> 00:02:59,840 Speaker 2: can really rediscover, or perhaps discover for the first time, 47 00:03:00,120 --> 00:03:03,120 Speaker 2: all of the things that make you brilliant and all 48 00:03:03,200 --> 00:03:07,560 Speaker 2: the things that make you quite honestly a catch, and 49 00:03:07,600 --> 00:03:09,880 Speaker 2: that there are so many people who would be so 50 00:03:10,120 --> 00:03:13,480 Speaker 2: lucky to have you in their lives. And with that 51 00:03:13,560 --> 00:03:17,040 Speaker 2: you really raise your confidence, you raise your levels of 52 00:03:17,160 --> 00:03:20,280 Speaker 2: self love, and of course you also raise the bar 53 00:03:20,800 --> 00:03:23,360 Speaker 2: for what you deserve, the standard for who gets to 54 00:03:23,400 --> 00:03:26,640 Speaker 2: love you, rather than living in a scarcity state where 55 00:03:27,240 --> 00:03:30,359 Speaker 2: anyone who comes along and promises you the bare minimum 56 00:03:31,000 --> 00:03:33,600 Speaker 2: gets let in. So that's what we're going to discuss today. 57 00:03:34,160 --> 00:03:37,119 Speaker 2: Why do we feel so undeserving of love? Where does 58 00:03:37,160 --> 00:03:41,520 Speaker 2: that come from? And what exactly can we do about it? 59 00:03:41,600 --> 00:03:44,520 Speaker 2: How do we heal from the wounds that have created 60 00:03:45,040 --> 00:03:54,960 Speaker 2: this belief system? So, without further ado, let's get into it. 61 00:03:55,000 --> 00:03:58,000 Speaker 2: To be vulnerable for a second, there was a point 62 00:03:58,080 --> 00:04:02,320 Speaker 2: in my life where so desperate for love and at 63 00:04:02,320 --> 00:04:06,119 Speaker 2: the same time felt so undeserving of it that anyone 64 00:04:06,200 --> 00:04:09,000 Speaker 2: who even gave me like the slightest bit of attention, 65 00:04:09,560 --> 00:04:11,200 Speaker 2: it felt like they were the one. It felt like 66 00:04:11,640 --> 00:04:14,720 Speaker 2: I had met my soulmate, and it caused me to 67 00:04:14,800 --> 00:04:17,360 Speaker 2: end up with a lot of people that at the 68 00:04:17,480 --> 00:04:20,760 Speaker 2: end of the day I never even liked and who 69 00:04:20,960 --> 00:04:25,360 Speaker 2: were most certainly not worth my time. And I can 70 00:04:25,400 --> 00:04:27,919 Speaker 2: recognize that now. I can recognize that all of my 71 00:04:28,080 --> 00:04:32,760 Speaker 2: habits stemmed from how unworthy of love that I felt. 72 00:04:33,160 --> 00:04:36,359 Speaker 2: And these same habits were not only attracting these people 73 00:04:36,440 --> 00:04:39,359 Speaker 2: to me, but they were also making it so I 74 00:04:39,440 --> 00:04:41,920 Speaker 2: kept them in my orbit, even when time and time 75 00:04:41,920 --> 00:04:44,599 Speaker 2: again they proved to me they did not deserve to 76 00:04:44,640 --> 00:04:50,160 Speaker 2: be there. Essentially, this like deeply rooted sense that I 77 00:04:50,320 --> 00:04:54,320 Speaker 2: was unlovable meant that I had no boundaries, because the 78 00:04:54,360 --> 00:04:56,720 Speaker 2: boundaries that I should have set were just going to 79 00:04:56,760 --> 00:04:59,479 Speaker 2: be another reason that people wouldn't be able to love me. 80 00:05:00,040 --> 00:05:02,760 Speaker 2: But if I lowered them, more people could be let in. 81 00:05:02,800 --> 00:05:06,400 Speaker 2: If I pleased everybody, I could be loved. And I didn't, 82 00:05:06,680 --> 00:05:09,560 Speaker 2: you know, quite think about why exactly those people wouldn't 83 00:05:09,560 --> 00:05:12,880 Speaker 2: have been around before my boundaries were lowered. But again, 84 00:05:12,920 --> 00:05:16,159 Speaker 2: that is the nature of this really insidious self belief 85 00:05:16,200 --> 00:05:19,480 Speaker 2: system that you are unlovable. Not only is it that 86 00:05:19,520 --> 00:05:23,760 Speaker 2: we accept less for ourselves, we also sabotage when we 87 00:05:23,839 --> 00:05:26,640 Speaker 2: have a really good thing going on, because when you 88 00:05:26,680 --> 00:05:30,720 Speaker 2: feel unworthy of that kind of affection and kindness being 89 00:05:30,800 --> 00:05:34,640 Speaker 2: showered on you, you react from a place of fear. This 90 00:05:34,800 --> 00:05:38,960 Speaker 2: experience is so unfamiliar and it feels like it doesn't 91 00:05:39,000 --> 00:05:41,680 Speaker 2: belong to you, so you find you know some kind 92 00:05:41,760 --> 00:05:45,279 Speaker 2: of way unconsciously to end it before the other person 93 00:05:45,360 --> 00:05:49,200 Speaker 2: wakes up and realizes that for themselves, it's again a 94 00:05:49,240 --> 00:05:52,800 Speaker 2: whole labyrinth. Feeling unworthy of love causes us to miss 95 00:05:52,839 --> 00:05:56,320 Speaker 2: out on a lot of opportunities because we close ourselves off, 96 00:05:56,360 --> 00:05:59,680 Speaker 2: We reject ourselves before we even get to the start line. 97 00:05:59,800 --> 00:06:01,920 Speaker 2: And it can also be lonely. In fact, I think 98 00:06:02,000 --> 00:06:04,360 Speaker 2: that is one of the core pillars of this experience 99 00:06:04,440 --> 00:06:09,440 Speaker 2: is that it creates loneliness. It makes us inherently somebody 100 00:06:10,000 --> 00:06:14,040 Speaker 2: that is isolated and perhaps living very solitary, even when 101 00:06:14,040 --> 00:06:17,120 Speaker 2: we are surrounded by other people, and it continues to 102 00:06:17,160 --> 00:06:20,719 Speaker 2: shape a series of behaviors that sadly keep it that way. 103 00:06:21,720 --> 00:06:25,320 Speaker 2: So let's talk about why that is. When we feel unlovable. 104 00:06:26,040 --> 00:06:29,000 Speaker 2: It's not just that we feel generally undeserving of love. 105 00:06:29,080 --> 00:06:32,839 Speaker 2: It often also means that we think there is something 106 00:06:32,839 --> 00:06:36,200 Speaker 2: about us that makes us a fundamentally bad person, or 107 00:06:36,240 --> 00:06:39,520 Speaker 2: there is something about us that others would look at 108 00:06:39,680 --> 00:06:43,720 Speaker 2: and immediately turn away from. You know, this could be 109 00:06:43,920 --> 00:06:46,840 Speaker 2: some part of our personality that somebody has, you know, 110 00:06:46,960 --> 00:06:52,080 Speaker 2: told us isn't attractive or isn't desirable. You know, we're 111 00:06:52,080 --> 00:06:56,360 Speaker 2: too loud, we're too much, we're too sensitive. It could 112 00:06:56,360 --> 00:06:59,839 Speaker 2: be some feature of our body, our weight, our height, 113 00:07:00,560 --> 00:07:02,920 Speaker 2: our mental health, believing that no one could love us 114 00:07:03,640 --> 00:07:07,239 Speaker 2: at our lowest or our past. Each of us has 115 00:07:07,400 --> 00:07:13,320 Speaker 2: some insecurity, some secret, something that we think almost brands 116 00:07:13,400 --> 00:07:16,480 Speaker 2: us with this big sign that says this one is unlovable. 117 00:07:16,960 --> 00:07:20,000 Speaker 2: That's really what it feels like. And the saddest part 118 00:07:20,040 --> 00:07:24,960 Speaker 2: about recognizing that is subsequently recognizing that somebody else had 119 00:07:25,000 --> 00:07:28,480 Speaker 2: to teach that to us. No one enters this world 120 00:07:29,040 --> 00:07:32,960 Speaker 2: inherently hating who they are. Someone out there, you know, 121 00:07:33,000 --> 00:07:36,040 Speaker 2: if we think about this hypothetical, there is somebody out 122 00:07:36,040 --> 00:07:40,520 Speaker 2: there who has never been exposed to unkind words, who 123 00:07:40,520 --> 00:07:44,200 Speaker 2: has never been exposed to social judgments or media portrayals 124 00:07:44,280 --> 00:07:48,239 Speaker 2: or unkind statements, or bullying or teasing, and they would 125 00:07:48,240 --> 00:07:51,960 Speaker 2: not have the insecurities that we have because they inherently 126 00:07:52,000 --> 00:07:55,200 Speaker 2: have a social origin. It's the same thing as like 127 00:07:55,560 --> 00:07:57,760 Speaker 2: someone who has never seen a mirror could never call 128 00:07:57,840 --> 00:08:02,120 Speaker 2: themselves ugly, who has never been scolded or shamed or 129 00:08:02,160 --> 00:08:06,720 Speaker 2: embarrassed or teased about some aspect of themselves will never 130 00:08:06,840 --> 00:08:09,360 Speaker 2: learn to hate what makes them them, and they will 131 00:08:09,400 --> 00:08:13,040 Speaker 2: always feel deserving of love. So, you know, we learn 132 00:08:13,120 --> 00:08:17,320 Speaker 2: how to love ourselves by how others have or haven't 133 00:08:17,800 --> 00:08:21,760 Speaker 2: loved us. That is where this sense of inherent unworthiness 134 00:08:21,800 --> 00:08:26,160 Speaker 2: typically emerges. It is learned and therefore it's also taught. 135 00:08:27,000 --> 00:08:32,040 Speaker 2: So I think the most obvious source of this sense 136 00:08:32,080 --> 00:08:36,240 Speaker 2: that we are unlovable is our childhood and how our caregivers, 137 00:08:36,280 --> 00:08:40,320 Speaker 2: typically our parents showed us affection and showed us care. 138 00:08:41,040 --> 00:08:43,440 Speaker 2: This is where, like the whole theory of attachment style 139 00:08:43,920 --> 00:08:47,360 Speaker 2: emerges from, you know, the premise being that our initial 140 00:08:47,400 --> 00:08:51,280 Speaker 2: bond with our parents goes on to shape all future bonds. 141 00:08:51,720 --> 00:08:56,560 Speaker 2: And if they showed us unconditional, unquestionable love, that is 142 00:08:56,600 --> 00:08:58,480 Speaker 2: what we will seek in the future because that was 143 00:08:58,520 --> 00:09:01,000 Speaker 2: the example that was set. That is the norm. But 144 00:09:01,080 --> 00:09:04,520 Speaker 2: if they were dismissive or emotionally unavailable, if there was 145 00:09:04,559 --> 00:09:07,880 Speaker 2: some level of abandonment, if they suffered from something that 146 00:09:07,920 --> 00:09:10,520 Speaker 2: made it difficult for them to parent correctly, like an 147 00:09:10,559 --> 00:09:14,959 Speaker 2: addiction or an untreated mental health condition, if they experienced 148 00:09:14,960 --> 00:09:18,680 Speaker 2: trauma themselves. You know that's going to be passed down 149 00:09:18,800 --> 00:09:22,040 Speaker 2: to us through an avoidant or anxious attachment style, because 150 00:09:22,440 --> 00:09:24,760 Speaker 2: the way that we were able to bond with them 151 00:09:25,360 --> 00:09:30,600 Speaker 2: was in some way disrupted or disturbed. And there have 152 00:09:30,679 --> 00:09:33,640 Speaker 2: been a lot of recent studies confirming what I think 153 00:09:33,640 --> 00:09:37,880 Speaker 2: we already knew, which is that yet again, insecurely attached 154 00:09:37,920 --> 00:09:41,800 Speaker 2: individuals implicitly often believe that they do not deserve love, 155 00:09:41,920 --> 00:09:45,920 Speaker 2: and it all stems back from these childhood and early 156 00:09:45,960 --> 00:09:50,560 Speaker 2: adolescent as well origins. It becomes this very deeply ingrained 157 00:09:51,200 --> 00:09:56,240 Speaker 2: part of their belief system. So, especially if there is 158 00:09:56,360 --> 00:09:59,040 Speaker 2: you know, a history of abuse in your childhood as well, 159 00:09:59,720 --> 00:10:03,280 Speaker 2: it is it is difficult to not internalize those experiences 160 00:10:03,320 --> 00:10:05,760 Speaker 2: as being a reflection of you, that you were a 161 00:10:05,800 --> 00:10:09,319 Speaker 2: bad kid, that you were undeserving, you were inherently unlovable, 162 00:10:09,840 --> 00:10:12,320 Speaker 2: because as children, we kind of don't have any other 163 00:10:12,360 --> 00:10:17,200 Speaker 2: way to rationalize those experiences. You've got to remember here 164 00:10:17,360 --> 00:10:21,440 Speaker 2: that our brains try really hard to protect the bond 165 00:10:21,520 --> 00:10:24,800 Speaker 2: that we have with our caregivers by idolizing them, by 166 00:10:24,840 --> 00:10:29,559 Speaker 2: creating a fantasy, by almost suppressing memories of their wrongdoing, 167 00:10:30,600 --> 00:10:35,160 Speaker 2: because as children, we are really really dependent on them 168 00:10:35,200 --> 00:10:37,880 Speaker 2: for everything. So if we truly believed that they were 169 00:10:37,920 --> 00:10:40,400 Speaker 2: bad people or that they were seriously trying to hurt us, 170 00:10:40,720 --> 00:10:43,000 Speaker 2: we would have nowhere else to turn to. So it's 171 00:10:43,000 --> 00:10:47,920 Speaker 2: a survival mechanism to idolize our parents to keep coming 172 00:10:47,960 --> 00:10:51,240 Speaker 2: back to them. Our brains therefore have to turn to 173 00:10:51,320 --> 00:10:55,400 Speaker 2: the next logical explanation for what we are experiencing. And 174 00:10:55,440 --> 00:10:59,400 Speaker 2: the only other person in this equation is us, and 175 00:10:59,440 --> 00:11:02,280 Speaker 2: so we must be the problem. We are the issue. 176 00:11:02,920 --> 00:11:04,760 Speaker 2: A lot of times, people who have gone through this 177 00:11:04,840 --> 00:11:10,040 Speaker 2: abuse deduced that they must be so unlovable as to 178 00:11:10,080 --> 00:11:13,600 Speaker 2: deserve that experience, And as we get older, we know 179 00:11:13,760 --> 00:11:17,400 Speaker 2: that that is untrue because all of our rational thinking 180 00:11:17,480 --> 00:11:21,960 Speaker 2: skills begin to click in because we see that other 181 00:11:21,960 --> 00:11:25,640 Speaker 2: people didn't experience what we experienced, because we learn what 182 00:11:25,840 --> 00:11:29,960 Speaker 2: is actually okay, But that doesn't change what has already 183 00:11:29,960 --> 00:11:32,920 Speaker 2: been done. It doesn't change that we already have this 184 00:11:33,040 --> 00:11:37,760 Speaker 2: belief system based in our experiences that we have to unlearn. 185 00:11:38,640 --> 00:11:42,160 Speaker 2: So Floud, sick and fraud was someoney who was really 186 00:11:42,160 --> 00:11:48,640 Speaker 2: interested in what kind of behaviors this experience creates for adults, 187 00:11:49,040 --> 00:11:54,000 Speaker 2: and he observed this unconscious tendency especially amongst people who 188 00:11:54,080 --> 00:12:01,079 Speaker 2: experienced emotional or physical abuse as children, called repetition compulsion. 189 00:12:02,000 --> 00:12:04,599 Speaker 2: So back when he was studying this in like the 190 00:12:04,720 --> 00:12:08,200 Speaker 2: nineteen twenties, he noticed that quite a few of his 191 00:12:08,360 --> 00:12:15,720 Speaker 2: patients were basically recreating traumatic experiences in new ways, in 192 00:12:15,800 --> 00:12:19,800 Speaker 2: new scenarios or a new environment. They were constantly in 193 00:12:19,840 --> 00:12:24,560 Speaker 2: this process of reliving and repeating what had happened to them. 194 00:12:24,720 --> 00:12:27,360 Speaker 2: And it wasn't a mental process, It's that they were 195 00:12:27,800 --> 00:12:30,880 Speaker 2: There was some like unconscious, subconscious part of them that 196 00:12:30,960 --> 00:12:36,560 Speaker 2: would enter, you know, a new relationship and almost always 197 00:12:36,600 --> 00:12:40,320 Speaker 2: immediately seek out people who were just like their parents, 198 00:12:40,679 --> 00:12:44,920 Speaker 2: or they would live out their trauma through this new experience. 199 00:12:45,160 --> 00:12:48,960 Speaker 2: So the reason why he kind of believed that this 200 00:12:49,040 --> 00:12:52,240 Speaker 2: happened was because firstly, it was a way to ease 201 00:12:52,320 --> 00:12:55,880 Speaker 2: the initial emotional trauma by almost getting used to that 202 00:12:55,960 --> 00:12:58,760 Speaker 2: trauma again and again and again, like when you keep 203 00:12:58,800 --> 00:13:02,000 Speaker 2: pressing down on a brew the pain lessons because we 204 00:13:02,120 --> 00:13:06,199 Speaker 2: become more tolerable, less sensitive to it. But he also 205 00:13:06,280 --> 00:13:08,720 Speaker 2: believed that maybe it was because the reason this repetition 206 00:13:08,840 --> 00:13:13,280 Speaker 2: compulsion was occurring was that it allowed people to gain 207 00:13:13,360 --> 00:13:17,480 Speaker 2: mastery over the experience. So if you experienced a difficult childhood, 208 00:13:17,520 --> 00:13:20,440 Speaker 2: a difficult attachment, this kind of theory says that you 209 00:13:20,520 --> 00:13:23,480 Speaker 2: go looking for that in every new person because this 210 00:13:23,520 --> 00:13:26,160 Speaker 2: is kind of all that you are familiar with. And 211 00:13:26,200 --> 00:13:28,640 Speaker 2: it may be why that not only do we feel 212 00:13:28,720 --> 00:13:32,160 Speaker 2: unworthy of love, but we also become quite cynical about 213 00:13:32,200 --> 00:13:35,360 Speaker 2: other's ability to give us love because we have never 214 00:13:35,480 --> 00:13:39,240 Speaker 2: encountered a situation that proves differently. Because there is some 215 00:13:39,400 --> 00:13:42,040 Speaker 2: part of us that I don't like to say is 216 00:13:42,080 --> 00:13:45,200 Speaker 2: attracted to bad people, because I think that puts a 217 00:13:45,200 --> 00:13:48,680 Speaker 2: lot of the blame on us. But there is some 218 00:13:49,040 --> 00:13:53,720 Speaker 2: compulsion that draws us back to the comfort of what 219 00:13:54,000 --> 00:13:58,760 Speaker 2: was familiar, even if that was terrible. So childhood experiences 220 00:13:58,960 --> 00:14:01,280 Speaker 2: are one thing, and don't get me wrong, they are 221 00:14:01,320 --> 00:14:05,760 Speaker 2: probably the biggest contributor to a sense of feeling unlovable. 222 00:14:06,520 --> 00:14:09,040 Speaker 2: But there are many people who may look back at 223 00:14:09,080 --> 00:14:11,600 Speaker 2: their memories and say, no, you know, everything was so 224 00:14:11,679 --> 00:14:16,600 Speaker 2: perfect for me. I never wanted for anything physical or emotional. 225 00:14:17,200 --> 00:14:22,520 Speaker 2: I had beautiful, loving parents, why do I still feel unlovable? 226 00:14:23,160 --> 00:14:28,080 Speaker 2: And that is where our teen and adult experiences really 227 00:14:28,120 --> 00:14:30,320 Speaker 2: come into it. You know, it's not like we're only 228 00:14:30,360 --> 00:14:35,480 Speaker 2: influenced by our infancy. We continue to learn and observe 229 00:14:35,560 --> 00:14:40,960 Speaker 2: and shift, change, evolve, be influenced by experiences and you know, 230 00:14:41,040 --> 00:14:44,640 Speaker 2: events way into adulthood. And often I think that our 231 00:14:44,800 --> 00:14:48,320 Speaker 2: teenage years are just if not more formative for our 232 00:14:48,360 --> 00:14:51,480 Speaker 2: sense of self worth than our childhood. It's really during 233 00:14:51,520 --> 00:14:54,800 Speaker 2: this developmental stage, this chapter, that we begin to also 234 00:14:54,840 --> 00:14:57,760 Speaker 2: get a taste for romantic love, beyond the familial and 235 00:14:58,320 --> 00:15:01,000 Speaker 2: platonic love that we've been used to. It's like, you know, 236 00:15:01,800 --> 00:15:04,360 Speaker 2: all you turn thirteen, all your friends turn thirteen, and 237 00:15:04,880 --> 00:15:07,920 Speaker 2: suddenly you want boyfriends and you want girlfriends. And we 238 00:15:08,000 --> 00:15:11,520 Speaker 2: begin to perceive that our value is in some way 239 00:15:12,160 --> 00:15:15,960 Speaker 2: derived from whether other people find us attractive or have 240 00:15:16,040 --> 00:15:18,160 Speaker 2: a crush on us, or want to date us, or 241 00:15:18,160 --> 00:15:20,560 Speaker 2: want to hold hands with us, want to take us 242 00:15:20,560 --> 00:15:22,280 Speaker 2: to prom and want to take us to form more. 243 00:15:22,880 --> 00:15:26,320 Speaker 2: And you know, as adults, you might roll your eyes 244 00:15:26,320 --> 00:15:29,320 Speaker 2: at those moments and think of them as really childish 245 00:15:29,400 --> 00:15:34,040 Speaker 2: and really silly, but they're actually really valuable as a way. 246 00:15:34,240 --> 00:15:39,040 Speaker 2: You know, they're actually really valuable in creating our romantic 247 00:15:39,200 --> 00:15:44,240 Speaker 2: social scripts. So understanding how people relate to each other, 248 00:15:44,400 --> 00:15:48,120 Speaker 2: understand kind of it's like love with training wheels on, 249 00:15:48,760 --> 00:15:52,560 Speaker 2: you know. That's what teenage romance, especially in early teenagehood 250 00:15:53,200 --> 00:15:56,040 Speaker 2: is kind of like. And if you skip that step, 251 00:15:56,080 --> 00:15:59,440 Speaker 2: if you've never had it, eventually you start to wonder 252 00:15:59,440 --> 00:16:03,280 Speaker 2: why the further along you get, our teenage years are 253 00:16:03,280 --> 00:16:07,800 Speaker 2: this chapter of like ultimate insecurity and comparison and wanting 254 00:16:07,800 --> 00:16:10,000 Speaker 2: to fit in. So when you feel behind in a 255 00:16:10,040 --> 00:16:13,920 Speaker 2: certain way, that can definitely carry with you later into 256 00:16:13,960 --> 00:16:17,360 Speaker 2: life because it's emotionally significant at the time, it's also 257 00:16:18,040 --> 00:16:21,600 Speaker 2: a period in which we are really developing our self confidence. 258 00:16:21,640 --> 00:16:25,119 Speaker 2: So even small, minor things can disturb that process. 259 00:16:25,680 --> 00:16:25,840 Speaker 1: You know. 260 00:16:25,880 --> 00:16:28,520 Speaker 2: I think I've told you this story before, but back 261 00:16:28,520 --> 00:16:29,920 Speaker 2: when I was in high school, I had like one 262 00:16:30,000 --> 00:16:32,120 Speaker 2: boyfriend and it was like really near the end. But 263 00:16:32,480 --> 00:16:35,360 Speaker 2: I spent so much time like watching all my friends 264 00:16:35,400 --> 00:16:38,480 Speaker 2: get like carried away in these like young romances and 265 00:16:38,520 --> 00:16:42,160 Speaker 2: never really having anybody who was attracted to me or 266 00:16:42,200 --> 00:16:45,200 Speaker 2: into me, or like wanted to be wanted to date me. 267 00:16:45,880 --> 00:16:48,880 Speaker 2: And sometimes I wonder whether you know, I would have 268 00:16:48,960 --> 00:16:53,680 Speaker 2: had better standards for myself if I had not felt 269 00:16:54,240 --> 00:16:56,480 Speaker 2: like I was missing out, if I didn't feel quite 270 00:16:56,520 --> 00:17:00,520 Speaker 2: so desperate, if I didn't feel quite so unworthy based 271 00:17:00,560 --> 00:17:04,879 Speaker 2: on those experiences. Essentially, the reason this may contribute to 272 00:17:04,920 --> 00:17:09,800 Speaker 2: feeling unlovable is because it actually contributes to an insecurity 273 00:17:09,920 --> 00:17:14,240 Speaker 2: about our desirability. That's really the thing about being desired. 274 00:17:14,280 --> 00:17:16,800 Speaker 2: You can't desire yourself. Somebody else needs to be part 275 00:17:17,359 --> 00:17:19,920 Speaker 2: of the picture to confirm that you are indeed somebody 276 00:17:19,920 --> 00:17:22,400 Speaker 2: that is wanted and likable and worthy of their intention. 277 00:17:22,560 --> 00:17:25,879 Speaker 2: And if that never happens for you, it's hard to 278 00:17:25,960 --> 00:17:31,080 Speaker 2: feel like you are actually somebody who is deserving of 279 00:17:31,119 --> 00:17:33,440 Speaker 2: all those things, or who is looked at in that way. 280 00:17:34,240 --> 00:17:36,520 Speaker 2: That can create a lack of confidence, and that is 281 00:17:36,560 --> 00:17:40,800 Speaker 2: I think only exacerbated the older we get and the 282 00:17:40,840 --> 00:17:43,640 Speaker 2: further we get into our twenties and beyond without still 283 00:17:43,720 --> 00:17:48,840 Speaker 2: having those experiences. Everybody around us is having these flings 284 00:17:48,920 --> 00:17:52,160 Speaker 2: or these love interests, or these big romanceers. It can 285 00:17:52,240 --> 00:17:55,760 Speaker 2: really feel like the only question left to ask is 286 00:17:55,800 --> 00:17:59,000 Speaker 2: what is wrong with me? What don't I have? Why 287 00:17:59,040 --> 00:18:02,040 Speaker 2: have I not had this experience? You know, it's very 288 00:18:02,119 --> 00:18:05,520 Speaker 2: easy to also overlook the logical explanations as to why 289 00:18:05,560 --> 00:18:08,679 Speaker 2: not you just haven't met the right person. It just 290 00:18:09,160 --> 00:18:12,040 Speaker 2: wasn't your time, you've been busy with other things like 291 00:18:12,080 --> 00:18:15,880 Speaker 2: those are all super logical explanations for why this hasn't 292 00:18:15,920 --> 00:18:19,600 Speaker 2: happened yet. But social comparison leaves us feeling lacking and 293 00:18:19,640 --> 00:18:24,480 Speaker 2: therefore drawing the wrong conclusions about our desirability, our worthiness, 294 00:18:25,000 --> 00:18:28,920 Speaker 2: and therefore our capacity to receive love. So let's turn 295 00:18:28,920 --> 00:18:32,800 Speaker 2: to another area, which is the experience that happens when we, 296 00:18:33,320 --> 00:18:36,080 Speaker 2: you know, do start dating or do get into relationships, 297 00:18:36,480 --> 00:18:41,280 Speaker 2: and how that can also leave wounds around our you know, 298 00:18:41,600 --> 00:18:45,280 Speaker 2: sense of worthiness even before we get into a relationship 299 00:18:45,280 --> 00:18:50,640 Speaker 2: with somebody, I think frequently experiencing rejections can also really 300 00:18:50,760 --> 00:18:54,720 Speaker 2: damage our self esteem, especially when they continuously happen. We 301 00:18:54,760 --> 00:18:58,760 Speaker 2: do start to reconsider whether the common denominator is us, 302 00:18:58,840 --> 00:19:01,920 Speaker 2: you know, if this person didn't text us back after 303 00:19:01,960 --> 00:19:04,479 Speaker 2: a first date, if you know, we didn't get as 304 00:19:04,520 --> 00:19:07,560 Speaker 2: many matches on dating apps as our friends, if this 305 00:19:07,720 --> 00:19:10,359 Speaker 2: guy you know, dumped us after like a couple of 306 00:19:10,400 --> 00:19:14,560 Speaker 2: weeks of dating, that can really start to chip away 307 00:19:15,359 --> 00:19:19,800 Speaker 2: at our self confidence. I also want to add here 308 00:19:20,200 --> 00:19:22,639 Speaker 2: that can also be for friendships as well. You know, 309 00:19:22,680 --> 00:19:25,560 Speaker 2: if you've had a few friendship breakups, if you've had 310 00:19:25,600 --> 00:19:28,879 Speaker 2: a few letdowns, a few rejections. When it comes to 311 00:19:29,560 --> 00:19:31,960 Speaker 2: putting yourself out there in any capacity and trying to 312 00:19:32,000 --> 00:19:35,399 Speaker 2: make connection, that all comes back to love, right, That 313 00:19:35,480 --> 00:19:38,040 Speaker 2: all comes back to feeling desired in a social sense. 314 00:19:38,200 --> 00:19:41,720 Speaker 2: So it's not just like poor experiences when it comes 315 00:19:41,760 --> 00:19:45,840 Speaker 2: to romantic relationships can really blind us to our sense 316 00:19:45,840 --> 00:19:51,360 Speaker 2: of worthiness. Platonic experiences, familiar experiences can also have an impact. 317 00:19:51,880 --> 00:19:54,480 Speaker 2: And so what that can create in you is that 318 00:19:55,040 --> 00:19:57,000 Speaker 2: you feel like the only way to ever have that 319 00:19:57,080 --> 00:20:00,960 Speaker 2: is to lower your standards, especially when this scarcity effect 320 00:20:01,119 --> 00:20:06,639 Speaker 2: begins to kick in the sense that this thing is 321 00:20:06,680 --> 00:20:11,159 Speaker 2: so valuable, it is so available to other people and 322 00:20:11,200 --> 00:20:14,440 Speaker 2: you don't have it, that you're more desperate to find 323 00:20:14,480 --> 00:20:16,840 Speaker 2: it the more you value it. That the scarcy effect 324 00:20:16,920 --> 00:20:21,520 Speaker 2: is essentially feeling that something is more valuable when it 325 00:20:21,560 --> 00:20:24,560 Speaker 2: is less available to you. So the less available love 326 00:20:24,800 --> 00:20:28,040 Speaker 2: is to you, the more valuable it is, the more 327 00:20:28,080 --> 00:20:31,040 Speaker 2: you will do to obtain it. Perhaps the lower your 328 00:20:31,040 --> 00:20:36,680 Speaker 2: standards become, the less you kind of respect other's ability 329 00:20:36,720 --> 00:20:40,280 Speaker 2: to respect you. Not every experience with love, whether it 330 00:20:40,359 --> 00:20:43,720 Speaker 2: is our first or most recent, is going to be positive, 331 00:20:44,160 --> 00:20:48,159 Speaker 2: is going to be golden. If there is anything that 332 00:20:48,200 --> 00:20:50,359 Speaker 2: we have learned so far, it's that the people we 333 00:20:50,440 --> 00:20:52,680 Speaker 2: love the most can actually cause us the most harm. 334 00:20:53,280 --> 00:20:56,199 Speaker 2: And that goes for our exes, that goes for the 335 00:20:56,240 --> 00:21:01,360 Speaker 2: people that we fall in love with. A partner can 336 00:21:01,440 --> 00:21:05,639 Speaker 2: leave you feeling pretty worthless, especially if they've been cruel, 337 00:21:06,359 --> 00:21:09,119 Speaker 2: especially if they've made you feel like you demand too much, 338 00:21:09,960 --> 00:21:14,400 Speaker 2: especially if they've spoken down to you, ignored you, never 339 00:21:14,480 --> 00:21:20,200 Speaker 2: fully reciprocated your intimacy, your love, your generosity, your care. 340 00:21:21,240 --> 00:21:26,840 Speaker 2: After a while, you change your expectations around what it 341 00:21:26,880 --> 00:21:30,680 Speaker 2: actually means to be loved and what it actually what 342 00:21:30,720 --> 00:21:34,959 Speaker 2: you actually deserve. You know, if this person you trust 343 00:21:34,960 --> 00:21:38,760 Speaker 2: and obviously care about still doesn't see you as worthy 344 00:21:38,760 --> 00:21:41,439 Speaker 2: of everything that you give them or everything that you want, 345 00:21:42,000 --> 00:21:44,440 Speaker 2: who is going to believe that you are? Who was 346 00:21:44,520 --> 00:21:48,160 Speaker 2: going to give you those things? This is a component 347 00:21:48,240 --> 00:21:50,880 Speaker 2: of narcissistic abuse as well, and I don't use that 348 00:21:51,000 --> 00:21:54,080 Speaker 2: term lightly, but it is a component of it that 349 00:21:54,520 --> 00:21:58,679 Speaker 2: I often see when people find themselves in a situation 350 00:21:59,320 --> 00:22:03,160 Speaker 2: with a partner who belittles them, who wears them down, 351 00:22:03,960 --> 00:22:08,119 Speaker 2: who gives and takes. That is so often intentional, because 352 00:22:08,160 --> 00:22:11,639 Speaker 2: the poor your self esteem becomes, the less deserving you feel, 353 00:22:12,119 --> 00:22:14,679 Speaker 2: the less likely it is that you will believe that 354 00:22:14,720 --> 00:22:18,359 Speaker 2: you can find somebody better, and the more likely it 355 00:22:18,440 --> 00:22:21,760 Speaker 2: is that you will stay, and that gives them control 356 00:22:22,640 --> 00:22:26,879 Speaker 2: your belief that you are unlovable. That benefits their ego, 357 00:22:26,960 --> 00:22:31,000 Speaker 2: and it benefits their intentions. Again, it also often creates 358 00:22:31,040 --> 00:22:35,200 Speaker 2: this cycle of jumping from one terrible relationship to the next. 359 00:22:35,520 --> 00:22:38,160 Speaker 2: And it all starts with somebody teaching you that you 360 00:22:38,200 --> 00:22:43,560 Speaker 2: can't find better, so you accept what you think is normal, 361 00:22:44,240 --> 00:22:48,720 Speaker 2: which is quite frankly, horrible horrible love. I want to 362 00:22:48,720 --> 00:22:51,840 Speaker 2: be clear, really clear here, crystal clear. None of that 363 00:22:51,960 --> 00:22:55,600 Speaker 2: is your fault, none of it. How are you meant 364 00:22:55,600 --> 00:22:58,320 Speaker 2: to know any better if you have never had an example? 365 00:22:59,280 --> 00:23:02,120 Speaker 2: How you meant you think that you deserve better if 366 00:23:02,160 --> 00:23:06,359 Speaker 2: your confidence has been destroyed. It's not just that you 367 00:23:06,440 --> 00:23:09,359 Speaker 2: feel unworthy of love as a result of these experiences, 368 00:23:09,400 --> 00:23:14,679 Speaker 2: but also that you perhaps feel shame. Shame around what 369 00:23:14,840 --> 00:23:19,120 Speaker 2: you've tolerated, Shame around the fact that this keeps happening, 370 00:23:19,880 --> 00:23:22,720 Speaker 2: Shame around the fact that you haven't found the one yet. 371 00:23:23,560 --> 00:23:27,639 Speaker 2: And I think this all just continues to trigger, you know, 372 00:23:28,160 --> 00:23:32,160 Speaker 2: a lack of self esteem, a sense of unworthiness, and 373 00:23:32,600 --> 00:23:37,840 Speaker 2: the repetition of this experience an identical pattern, because there 374 00:23:37,880 --> 00:23:40,960 Speaker 2: is nothing that is breaking the cycle here. Honestly, it 375 00:23:41,000 --> 00:23:42,480 Speaker 2: has to be one of the worst things that you 376 00:23:42,520 --> 00:23:45,840 Speaker 2: can put another person through. It's breaking down our most 377 00:23:45,960 --> 00:23:48,600 Speaker 2: precious and core belief, which is that we are a 378 00:23:48,640 --> 00:23:53,159 Speaker 2: lovable creature, that we are deserving of love. It's, you know, 379 00:23:53,280 --> 00:23:56,159 Speaker 2: so crazy to me that people can do that to 380 00:23:56,240 --> 00:24:00,160 Speaker 2: other people, because every person is genuinely just so special 381 00:24:00,440 --> 00:24:03,000 Speaker 2: and unique and deserving. It's like a It is a 382 00:24:03,040 --> 00:24:05,720 Speaker 2: basic human need and human right to be loved and 383 00:24:05,760 --> 00:24:09,359 Speaker 2: to receive love. So depriving somebody of that, or telling 384 00:24:09,359 --> 00:24:11,800 Speaker 2: them that they aren't worthy of it is it's criminal. 385 00:24:12,480 --> 00:24:14,800 Speaker 2: It's also I think worth noting that people who are 386 00:24:14,840 --> 00:24:20,000 Speaker 2: simultaneously struggling with mental health concerns or conditions like depression, 387 00:24:20,200 --> 00:24:24,960 Speaker 2: like PTSD, like borderline personality disorder, amongst many others, they're 388 00:24:25,000 --> 00:24:29,240 Speaker 2: already at an increased risk of feeling unworthy and feeling 389 00:24:29,840 --> 00:24:33,760 Speaker 2: worthless and that sense of self doubt, and so those 390 00:24:33,840 --> 00:24:40,399 Speaker 2: experiences combined with a traumatic upbringing, combined with early experiences 391 00:24:40,440 --> 00:24:45,480 Speaker 2: of rejection and shame, combined with a terrible experience and 392 00:24:45,520 --> 00:24:48,639 Speaker 2: a past relationship are just going to make you so 393 00:24:48,800 --> 00:24:52,040 Speaker 2: much more susceptible to this false belief system. And I 394 00:24:52,080 --> 00:24:54,200 Speaker 2: spoke about this in my episode on dating and mental 395 00:24:54,240 --> 00:24:57,159 Speaker 2: health in our twenties. But it can be hard to 396 00:24:57,200 --> 00:25:01,280 Speaker 2: see others valuing you when you're struggling to value yourself 397 00:25:01,320 --> 00:25:04,080 Speaker 2: as well. It can be a really hard mindset to 398 00:25:04,200 --> 00:25:09,439 Speaker 2: navigate wanting love but also feeling like you'll be a 399 00:25:09,480 --> 00:25:12,399 Speaker 2: burden if you accept it into your life. There are 400 00:25:12,440 --> 00:25:15,280 Speaker 2: so many different factors that contribute to this feeling of 401 00:25:15,560 --> 00:25:17,720 Speaker 2: what feels like inherent unworthiness. So what do we do 402 00:25:17,800 --> 00:25:21,520 Speaker 2: about it? How can we relearn self love beyond the 403 00:25:21,560 --> 00:25:25,760 Speaker 2: basics of self care and self acceptance, but like truly 404 00:25:26,680 --> 00:25:31,200 Speaker 2: relearn at the core of ourselves, in our the fiber 405 00:25:31,280 --> 00:25:34,840 Speaker 2: of our being, what we are entitled to, and how 406 00:25:34,960 --> 00:25:39,200 Speaker 2: to raise our standards and how to actually attract good, deep, 407 00:25:39,440 --> 00:25:41,680 Speaker 2: meaningful love into our lives. So we're going to talk 408 00:25:41,720 --> 00:25:51,720 Speaker 2: about all of that and more after this shortbreak. If 409 00:25:51,760 --> 00:25:54,520 Speaker 2: there is one thing that I believe passionately, it's that 410 00:25:55,119 --> 00:25:58,520 Speaker 2: self love is not always romantic. It is really tough 411 00:25:58,720 --> 00:26:02,480 Speaker 2: sometimes doing an entire belief system, even if you didn't 412 00:26:02,480 --> 00:26:05,080 Speaker 2: create it in the first place. It is hard to 413 00:26:05,119 --> 00:26:08,359 Speaker 2: be vulnerable, and it is hard to be soft after 414 00:26:08,480 --> 00:26:12,719 Speaker 2: so many years of being strong and hard and resilient, 415 00:26:13,400 --> 00:26:17,160 Speaker 2: of trying so hard to convince yourself that you don't 416 00:26:17,240 --> 00:26:19,680 Speaker 2: need love, that you're better off alone, that you don't care. 417 00:26:20,720 --> 00:26:24,560 Speaker 2: But I saw this amazing TikTok the other day from 418 00:26:24,600 --> 00:26:27,200 Speaker 2: this woman saying, I know that I'm deserving of love 419 00:26:27,240 --> 00:26:29,600 Speaker 2: because I love myself and I was once my own 420 00:26:29,600 --> 00:26:33,119 Speaker 2: worst enemy. I hated myself more than anybody else in 421 00:26:33,119 --> 00:26:35,760 Speaker 2: the world. And if that person can still learn to 422 00:26:35,800 --> 00:26:39,080 Speaker 2: love me, I am sure that somebody else can as well. 423 00:26:39,680 --> 00:26:43,320 Speaker 2: And that is exactly the attitude that we want to 424 00:26:43,359 --> 00:26:47,879 Speaker 2: be Taking. As cliche as it sounds, feeling worthy of 425 00:26:47,960 --> 00:26:51,679 Speaker 2: love really does start with you, and it also starts 426 00:26:51,720 --> 00:26:54,520 Speaker 2: with realizing that it's not just about having your basic 427 00:26:54,640 --> 00:26:59,480 Speaker 2: needs met. It's about actually finding love that is enriching 428 00:27:00,119 --> 00:27:05,159 Speaker 2: and rewarding and generous, and being open to receiving that, 429 00:27:06,160 --> 00:27:09,520 Speaker 2: not just believing that you would like it, but being 430 00:27:09,600 --> 00:27:13,760 Speaker 2: open to seeing somebody offering that to you and thinking 431 00:27:13,840 --> 00:27:16,840 Speaker 2: that is for me, and it begins with kind of 432 00:27:16,880 --> 00:27:22,440 Speaker 2: showing that love to ourselves and setting an example not 433 00:27:22,520 --> 00:27:25,400 Speaker 2: just for others, but for us that this is what 434 00:27:25,440 --> 00:27:29,080 Speaker 2: we deserve. There is no love that is off limits 435 00:27:29,119 --> 00:27:32,720 Speaker 2: to us because we have already shown ourselves the highest 436 00:27:32,760 --> 00:27:37,399 Speaker 2: form of appreciation and compassion, the highest form of intimacy 437 00:27:37,440 --> 00:27:40,159 Speaker 2: and connection. So if somebody cannot meet that standard that 438 00:27:40,160 --> 00:27:43,879 Speaker 2: we are showing ourselves, are they really worth it? I 439 00:27:43,960 --> 00:27:46,480 Speaker 2: know that sounds like big words. How do we actually 440 00:27:46,520 --> 00:27:50,080 Speaker 2: get there? Firstly, I think it's important to love yourself 441 00:27:50,200 --> 00:27:52,879 Speaker 2: where you are at, even if it's not where you 442 00:27:52,920 --> 00:27:56,560 Speaker 2: want to be. It is a lot easier to say, yeah, 443 00:27:56,600 --> 00:27:58,840 Speaker 2: I'll start dating again, or I'll be worthy of love 444 00:27:58,880 --> 00:28:02,040 Speaker 2: when I fix this, when I'm better at that, when 445 00:28:02,080 --> 00:28:04,800 Speaker 2: I have this thing, when I've lost that weight. But 446 00:28:04,920 --> 00:28:09,560 Speaker 2: that attaches our value and our worthiness to some kind 447 00:28:09,600 --> 00:28:15,360 Speaker 2: of weird milestone, to success in something, to output, to productivity, 448 00:28:15,400 --> 00:28:19,080 Speaker 2: to self improvement, which is not the case. Our love 449 00:28:19,160 --> 00:28:21,959 Speaker 2: is inherent. We don't need to change for it. It 450 00:28:22,000 --> 00:28:24,639 Speaker 2: also means that, you know, like I just said, we 451 00:28:24,680 --> 00:28:29,560 Speaker 2: still believe that love is conditional on something else happening first, 452 00:28:30,119 --> 00:28:33,520 Speaker 2: rather than just the fact that you're an amazing, cool 453 00:28:33,560 --> 00:28:37,080 Speaker 2: person as you are right now. That obviously doesn't mean 454 00:28:37,119 --> 00:28:40,920 Speaker 2: that you can't be committed to self improvement or you 455 00:28:40,960 --> 00:28:44,280 Speaker 2: can't want to change something about yourself, but it's important 456 00:28:44,280 --> 00:28:47,280 Speaker 2: to think about whether you're doing it for you or 457 00:28:47,320 --> 00:28:52,720 Speaker 2: for somebody else. A relationship love that is not a 458 00:28:52,760 --> 00:28:59,200 Speaker 2: reward for working on yourself period. I understand wanting to 459 00:28:59,200 --> 00:29:02,000 Speaker 2: be in the right heads for a relationship if you've 460 00:29:02,040 --> 00:29:03,760 Speaker 2: just been broken up with or if you do really 461 00:29:03,760 --> 00:29:06,880 Speaker 2: want to undo some of those negative beliefs, But I 462 00:29:06,920 --> 00:29:09,800 Speaker 2: want you to be honest with yourself. Are you waiting 463 00:29:09,840 --> 00:29:13,920 Speaker 2: because you're not ready for love, or because you still 464 00:29:13,920 --> 00:29:16,600 Speaker 2: don't feel like you deserve it, or because you are 465 00:29:16,640 --> 00:29:20,680 Speaker 2: scared of what you might find or not find and 466 00:29:20,720 --> 00:29:26,120 Speaker 2: what that might confirm about you. This is where we 467 00:29:26,200 --> 00:29:28,720 Speaker 2: need to work on the second of our new and 468 00:29:28,720 --> 00:29:34,040 Speaker 2: improved beliefs. How others treat you and their impression of 469 00:29:34,080 --> 00:29:38,360 Speaker 2: your desirability or your worthiness is a reflection of them, 470 00:29:38,960 --> 00:29:41,960 Speaker 2: not you. I like to think about this as if 471 00:29:41,960 --> 00:29:45,600 Speaker 2: we are a piece of art. Somebody is going to 472 00:29:45,760 --> 00:29:48,920 Speaker 2: look at you to look at you the artwork, and 473 00:29:49,000 --> 00:29:50,600 Speaker 2: you just might you know, you just might not be 474 00:29:50,680 --> 00:29:54,280 Speaker 2: their type or their taste. That's okay. They are allowed 475 00:29:54,280 --> 00:29:57,600 Speaker 2: to have preferences. But somebody else might come along and 476 00:29:57,720 --> 00:30:00,200 Speaker 2: look at you and be like you the art work 477 00:30:00,800 --> 00:30:04,120 Speaker 2: and just it will change their life. Nothing has spoken 478 00:30:04,200 --> 00:30:08,280 Speaker 2: to their soul more, Nothing is better in their eyes. 479 00:30:09,240 --> 00:30:11,480 Speaker 2: The thing to realize is that the art hasn't changed. 480 00:30:11,520 --> 00:30:13,680 Speaker 2: Though when you go to a museum, it's not like 481 00:30:13,720 --> 00:30:17,120 Speaker 2: they switch out the paintings based on the preferences of 482 00:30:17,160 --> 00:30:20,880 Speaker 2: the viewers. You like, the art just continues to exist. 483 00:30:21,120 --> 00:30:25,240 Speaker 2: The thing that changes is people, and is how people 484 00:30:25,360 --> 00:30:29,200 Speaker 2: treat the art and their perception of its beauty and 485 00:30:29,200 --> 00:30:32,360 Speaker 2: its worthiness. And that is you. You are the art. 486 00:30:33,040 --> 00:30:35,960 Speaker 2: It doesn't matter like the art does not change. The 487 00:30:35,960 --> 00:30:38,480 Speaker 2: beauty of the art does not change based on who 488 00:30:38,560 --> 00:30:41,880 Speaker 2: was viewing it. The worthiness of the art does not change. 489 00:30:41,880 --> 00:30:45,000 Speaker 2: It's still in the museum, you know. That doesn't change 490 00:30:45,040 --> 00:30:48,880 Speaker 2: based on whether someone sees the technique that it took, 491 00:30:49,000 --> 00:30:51,880 Speaker 2: or sees the effort that it took, or sees the 492 00:30:51,960 --> 00:30:55,560 Speaker 2: colors and the texture, and you know, all the beauty 493 00:30:55,600 --> 00:30:59,360 Speaker 2: behind it that somebody does not. I think when we 494 00:30:59,480 --> 00:31:02,400 Speaker 2: detach the those two things, you know, our worthiness and 495 00:31:02,520 --> 00:31:06,200 Speaker 2: other people's opinions. Those two things are separate. We are 496 00:31:06,240 --> 00:31:09,479 Speaker 2: better able to pull from the things we know to 497 00:31:09,480 --> 00:31:13,680 Speaker 2: be true about us, rather than others' impressions of those things. 498 00:31:14,440 --> 00:31:20,680 Speaker 2: You are still kind, creative, intelligent, attractive, funny, dedicated, inspiring, motivated, 499 00:31:20,720 --> 00:31:24,440 Speaker 2: a good friend. You are still all number of qualities 500 00:31:24,640 --> 00:31:30,560 Speaker 2: despite or because of somebody else's recognition. That does not change. 501 00:31:31,320 --> 00:31:34,000 Speaker 2: So the second kind of step to this is noticing 502 00:31:34,040 --> 00:31:36,600 Speaker 2: when you start also to put words in the mouths 503 00:31:36,640 --> 00:31:39,920 Speaker 2: of people who have never spoken them. If someone doesn't 504 00:31:39,960 --> 00:31:42,680 Speaker 2: message you back after a second date or a first date, 505 00:31:43,160 --> 00:31:45,560 Speaker 2: you might assume that it's because they thought you were boring, 506 00:31:45,920 --> 00:31:48,480 Speaker 2: or too sensitive, or too loud, or because you wann't 507 00:31:48,480 --> 00:31:51,280 Speaker 2: what they are expecting. We typically put words in other 508 00:31:51,320 --> 00:31:55,320 Speaker 2: people's mouths, and you know, did they say that, No, 509 00:31:55,840 --> 00:31:59,480 Speaker 2: they didn't. We are applying our own false beliefs onto 510 00:31:59,480 --> 00:32:03,120 Speaker 2: a puppet. We're projecting our assumptions onto somebody you know 511 00:32:03,120 --> 00:32:06,440 Speaker 2: who didn't text you back because they are emotionally lazy, 512 00:32:07,200 --> 00:32:09,680 Speaker 2: you know who maybe got busy. Like It's not that 513 00:32:09,720 --> 00:32:12,600 Speaker 2: we're finding excuses for them, it's that we're actually just 514 00:32:12,600 --> 00:32:15,960 Speaker 2: not assuming. We are just letting them exist. And we 515 00:32:16,000 --> 00:32:19,480 Speaker 2: are letting ourselves exist, and we are recognizing that how 516 00:32:19,520 --> 00:32:22,360 Speaker 2: they feel about us really doesn't say anything about us. 517 00:32:22,840 --> 00:32:27,520 Speaker 2: I think that applies to a number of scenarios where 518 00:32:27,520 --> 00:32:31,920 Speaker 2: we tend to implant our past experiences onto a new 519 00:32:31,960 --> 00:32:34,480 Speaker 2: situation that really isn't the same. Or we look for 520 00:32:34,520 --> 00:32:39,400 Speaker 2: the most available explanation, which for us is that we're unlovable. 521 00:32:39,720 --> 00:32:43,800 Speaker 2: But just because that's the most available explanation doesn't mean 522 00:32:43,800 --> 00:32:48,560 Speaker 2: that it is true. Often again, this is all deriving 523 00:32:48,600 --> 00:32:53,000 Speaker 2: from a false belief, not from fact. I think that 524 00:32:53,000 --> 00:32:55,680 Speaker 2: that can become harder when you know, as we spoke 525 00:32:55,720 --> 00:32:58,920 Speaker 2: about before, they do tell us, especially when it comes 526 00:32:59,000 --> 00:33:02,320 Speaker 2: to an X or a partner who was emotionally close 527 00:33:02,360 --> 00:33:05,400 Speaker 2: to us and hurt us. It's really hard to not 528 00:33:05,480 --> 00:33:09,160 Speaker 2: take those things incredibly personally and carry them with us 529 00:33:09,160 --> 00:33:12,800 Speaker 2: for the rest of our life. But again, an opinion, 530 00:33:12,920 --> 00:33:16,440 Speaker 2: a judgment of cruelty is not fact, it will never be. 531 00:33:17,360 --> 00:33:19,800 Speaker 2: That can be hard to recover from. But the secret 532 00:33:19,840 --> 00:33:23,440 Speaker 2: lies in concentrating and borrowing down into what you know 533 00:33:23,520 --> 00:33:26,720 Speaker 2: is true about yourself and your self worth, the part 534 00:33:26,760 --> 00:33:31,880 Speaker 2: of you that stays stable regardless of others. One way 535 00:33:32,080 --> 00:33:34,920 Speaker 2: I really bolstered my own sense of worthiness in the 536 00:33:34,960 --> 00:33:38,800 Speaker 2: face of these experiences was by choosing to almost like 537 00:33:39,200 --> 00:33:42,280 Speaker 2: have a bit of a love affair with myself. Now 538 00:33:42,320 --> 00:33:44,680 Speaker 2: I've spoken about this before, but if you want to 539 00:33:44,720 --> 00:33:47,480 Speaker 2: fall back in love with yourself and rediscover how amazing 540 00:33:47,520 --> 00:33:51,600 Speaker 2: you are and really begin to defeat those debilitating core beliefs, 541 00:33:52,680 --> 00:33:55,160 Speaker 2: why not date yourself for a while. And I mean 542 00:33:56,000 --> 00:34:02,480 Speaker 2: date yourself. I'm talking dinners, I'm talking flowers, quality time, compliments, 543 00:34:02,960 --> 00:34:07,480 Speaker 2: weekend trips away. You really need to romance yourself. This 544 00:34:07,560 --> 00:34:10,000 Speaker 2: may sound odd, it might sound a little bit silly, 545 00:34:11,160 --> 00:34:15,120 Speaker 2: but again, set the example that perhaps hasn't been set 546 00:34:15,480 --> 00:34:18,399 Speaker 2: for you. Set the standard that people need to live 547 00:34:18,520 --> 00:34:20,600 Speaker 2: up to, because if they can't show you the love 548 00:34:20,640 --> 00:34:24,000 Speaker 2: that you show yourself, which is honestly the bare minimum, 549 00:34:24,760 --> 00:34:26,960 Speaker 2: are you letting them in just because you don't think 550 00:34:27,080 --> 00:34:30,279 Speaker 2: you can do better, or are you letting them in 551 00:34:30,320 --> 00:34:33,759 Speaker 2: because they are actually worthy of everything that you have 552 00:34:33,840 --> 00:34:38,480 Speaker 2: to offer. Finally, I recommend therapy all the time on 553 00:34:38,520 --> 00:34:43,080 Speaker 2: this podcast because it is just genuinely so important and 554 00:34:43,160 --> 00:34:49,759 Speaker 2: it does work, especially for a sense of unworthiness, and 555 00:34:49,960 --> 00:34:52,279 Speaker 2: you know, especially knowing that that is really rooted in 556 00:34:52,600 --> 00:34:57,400 Speaker 2: childhood and past trauma and experiences. It is so valuable 557 00:34:57,520 --> 00:35:00,680 Speaker 2: to wrap your head around your response to what you 558 00:35:00,719 --> 00:35:04,120 Speaker 2: have been through and how that has created your belief system, 559 00:35:04,360 --> 00:35:07,160 Speaker 2: and how that has created your sense of self worth. 560 00:35:07,920 --> 00:35:09,480 Speaker 2: And you know, I wouldn't talk about it so much 561 00:35:09,520 --> 00:35:11,520 Speaker 2: unless it worked, and it's worked for me and so 562 00:35:11,560 --> 00:35:14,680 Speaker 2: many other people that I know, especially in this case, 563 00:35:15,080 --> 00:35:20,680 Speaker 2: dynamic interpersonal therapy, which really focuses on how dysfunctional beliefs 564 00:35:20,680 --> 00:35:23,560 Speaker 2: are based on relationships and how that impacts our mood, 565 00:35:24,040 --> 00:35:28,520 Speaker 2: but also dialectical behavior therapy talking it through getting to 566 00:35:28,560 --> 00:35:32,120 Speaker 2: the root of your emotions and where they came from, 567 00:35:32,480 --> 00:35:37,719 Speaker 2: where they were born from. One final reminder for you, 568 00:35:39,120 --> 00:35:42,439 Speaker 2: the last thing that determines your worthiness, particularly for love, 569 00:35:43,400 --> 00:35:47,360 Speaker 2: is others. They may receive it and appreciate it, but 570 00:35:47,440 --> 00:35:50,239 Speaker 2: they should never have the power to influence it. Anybody 571 00:35:50,320 --> 00:35:54,600 Speaker 2: would be lucky to have you. You are absolutely gorgeous 572 00:35:54,760 --> 00:35:58,319 Speaker 2: and beautiful or handsome, like no one is noticing the 573 00:35:58,400 --> 00:36:02,719 Speaker 2: things that you dislike about yourself more than you. You 574 00:36:02,840 --> 00:36:06,399 Speaker 2: show so much care and kindness, I'm sure to your 575 00:36:06,440 --> 00:36:11,120 Speaker 2: friends and to strangers and to your family. You deserve 576 00:36:11,200 --> 00:36:13,719 Speaker 2: for the love that you show others to be directed 577 00:36:14,120 --> 00:36:20,200 Speaker 2: towards yourself and nothing less. So I am sending so 578 00:36:20,360 --> 00:36:22,480 Speaker 2: much love, and that is a love that you deserve, 579 00:36:22,640 --> 00:36:24,759 Speaker 2: not a love that you had to earn. I think 580 00:36:24,800 --> 00:36:27,520 Speaker 2: that you are incredible for being committed to yourself and 581 00:36:27,560 --> 00:36:32,839 Speaker 2: committed to healing, and committed to thriving and finding you know, 582 00:36:32,880 --> 00:36:37,520 Speaker 2: a real deep compassion for yourself. So thank you so 583 00:36:37,640 --> 00:36:39,880 Speaker 2: much for listening. I really hope that you got something 584 00:36:39,920 --> 00:36:43,000 Speaker 2: out of this. I hope you learned something about yourself, 585 00:36:43,040 --> 00:36:46,960 Speaker 2: about your circumstances, about your thoughts, and that you know, 586 00:36:47,080 --> 00:36:49,480 Speaker 2: if you didn't learn something, at least this was a 587 00:36:49,480 --> 00:36:51,720 Speaker 2: bit of a pep talk and it made you feel 588 00:36:52,080 --> 00:36:54,799 Speaker 2: a little bit better about your life. Make sure that 589 00:36:54,880 --> 00:36:57,920 Speaker 2: you were following along on Spotify or Apple podcasts so 590 00:36:57,960 --> 00:37:01,200 Speaker 2: that you never miss a new episode. And if you 591 00:37:01,239 --> 00:37:03,640 Speaker 2: did enjoy this episode, please feel free to give us 592 00:37:03,760 --> 00:37:07,080 Speaker 2: five starts wherever you're listening right now. If you have 593 00:37:07,120 --> 00:37:10,400 Speaker 2: an episode suggestion, a topic suggestion for me, and you 594 00:37:10,440 --> 00:37:13,520 Speaker 2: want to hear about the psychology of this topic or 595 00:37:13,760 --> 00:37:16,680 Speaker 2: about something to do with our twenties, please feel free 596 00:37:16,680 --> 00:37:19,960 Speaker 2: to DM me at that psychology podcast. I would love 597 00:37:20,000 --> 00:37:23,800 Speaker 2: to hear from you. And as always, stay safe, be kind, 598 00:37:24,000 --> 00:37:26,680 Speaker 2: be gentle to yourself, and we will talk soon.