Speaker 1: We're back. I'm Drew McCarry and I'm David Roth and
Speaker 1: coming in September a new site we have built together
Speaker 1: called defect or Defector, and we're gonna have a new
Speaker 1: podcast to go with it, this very podcast, which has
Speaker 1: the name The Distraction. It's out right now at available
Speaker 1: every Rusk podcast at Stitcher, Spotify, Apple, Go listen right
Speaker 1: now to The Distraction everywhere. It's out right now. Go
Speaker 1: listen to see you by. It's an incredibly lonely feeling
Speaker 1: to see your significant other day in and day out,
Speaker 1: but not really see them. I can honestly say I
Speaker 1: see how people get to a point where they feel
Speaker 1: like they need a sigh piece. What don't look at
Speaker 1: me like that. I didn't say that I agree with it,
Speaker 1: but I said I understand dead ass. Hey, I'm Cadine
Speaker 1: and we're the Ellis's. You may know us from posting
Speaker 1: funny videos with our boys and reading each other publicly
Speaker 1: as a form of therapy. Wait, I make you need
Speaker 1: therapy most days. And one more important thing to mention,
Speaker 1: we're married, Yes, sir, we are. We created this podcast
Speaker 1: to open dialogue about some of life's most taboo topics,
Speaker 1: things most folks don't want to talk about through the
Speaker 1: lens of a millennial, married couple. Dead ass is a
Speaker 1: term that we say every day. When we say dead ass,
Speaker 1: we're actually saying facts. One hunted the truth, the whole truth,
Speaker 1: and nothing but the truth. And we're about to take
Speaker 1: philow Talk to a whole new level. Dead ask starts now.
Speaker 1: Two thousand and eleven, we just had Jackson, and I
Speaker 1: had made a conscious decision as a man that I
Speaker 1: was going to turn in my car, start taking the train,
Speaker 1: and focus on building the business. Codeine was working full
Speaker 1: time at MAC and I felt like I would doing
Speaker 1: all the right things in my life as a husband
Speaker 1: because this was going into a year of us being married.
Speaker 1: And for the next three years, Cadine and I spent
Speaker 1: all of our time focusing on our business. She was
Speaker 1: building her business, We had a son, Jackson. I was
Speaker 1: building my business. And by two thousand and fourteen, I
Speaker 1: turned thirty, and at that point I had realized that
Speaker 1: it had been three years that I hadn't taken Cadine
Speaker 1: on a vacation. We hadn't left the country, we hadn't
Speaker 1: gone to another state. We just hadn't done anything for
Speaker 1: ourselves to kind of pour into our relationships. And I
Speaker 1: had to take a step back and say, wow, how
Speaker 1: did how did I get to this point where I
Speaker 1: focused on everything in the relationship except the person who
Speaker 1: the relationship was supposed to be about. And at that
Speaker 1: point I had I realized like I was present, but
Speaker 1: I really wasn't present. That's when you say why, I'm
Speaker 1: surprised she didn't do X y Z me. Can you
Speaker 1: focus on me? I'm focused, baby on focus on, focus, baby?
Speaker 1: Can you focus on me? Listen karaoke? Because y'all sense
Speaker 1: the pain in my voice? Y'all sense it, sense pain?
Speaker 1: You sense pain? Right? It was definitely pain in it.
Speaker 1: It was painful. Yeah, yeah, very painful, very painful. But
Speaker 1: I got the point. I gotta figure out whose idea
Speaker 1: this was for karaoke because I swear I can't hold it. No,
Speaker 1: if you hand it to me in the palm of
Speaker 1: my hands, it's sing into the list. But y'all get
Speaker 1: the point. We're back, Yes, welcome back. Thank you all
Speaker 1: for joining us again for season two. And here we
Speaker 1: are fast forwarding because we've been so busy this past
Speaker 1: summer with moving. Our whole relocation develops been away filming
Speaker 1: in Atlanta. I've been with the kids in New York.
Speaker 1: It's just been insanity. So there were times when you
Speaker 1: came home for a weekend and I was just completely
Speaker 1: not in tune with you, and I was like, I
Speaker 1: don't want to hear about anything you need right now.
Speaker 1: What I need is for you to help me pack
Speaker 1: some boxes. I need you to help me do this
Speaker 1: with the kids, to do that with the kids. And
Speaker 1: we had a kind of a rough spot this summer
Speaker 1: since you and I this summer was extremely rough, and
Speaker 1: if you follow us, you could tell because we didn't
Speaker 1: even post as much content, not only because we were busy,
Speaker 1: but also because we weren't feeling each other. I was
Speaker 1: not feeling condemed. We're talking about focus or lack thereof
Speaker 1: of focus. I mean her, she's talking about I don't
Speaker 1: want to give up. I just want you to get up,
Speaker 1: get off your phone. I'm a little fed up. I
Speaker 1: just wish you were focus. And there's so many times
Speaker 1: in our relationship, Devol and I have said and we
Speaker 1: were able to admit that we have not been focusing
Speaker 1: with the intent to really dive into each other. Um.
Speaker 1: And we had an experience very recently that triggered this
Speaker 1: entire episode. Actually, yeah, it was. It was great. It
Speaker 1: was actually a really really great episode, a great experience
Speaker 1: that we had NFLP A couples retreat, and um, there
Speaker 1: was a young lady I can't remember her name, is
Speaker 1: gonna try and pull it up. She's an acting coach
Speaker 1: and an act and an actor, and she put us
Speaker 1: through this process that they said that actors who played
Speaker 1: married couples on television, they go through this process to
Speaker 1: build a connection. So she decided that she wanted to
Speaker 1: take that same exercise and apply it to marriages so
Speaker 1: that so that people can actually see their partner that
Speaker 1: they're living with. So in the exercise, we had to
Speaker 1: face each other, you know, knees close together, hold each
Speaker 1: other's hands. We had to just look at each other's
Speaker 1: eyes and not say anything for like the first nineties seconds,
Speaker 1: and then within the first twenty seconds, Codeine started crying. Guys,
Speaker 1: let me tell you, she pretty much was like, look
Speaker 1: at your partner, face them, make eye contact and just
Speaker 1: look at them, see them. And in that moment it
Speaker 1: hit me like a ton of breaks. I have not
Speaker 1: looked at my husband in his eyes and really saw
Speaker 1: him and so long. At first I was like, damn,
Speaker 1: I make you cry, Damn, what am I doing? No,
Speaker 1: it was a good cry. It was a good cry,
Speaker 1: and it was also kind of an alarming cry for
Speaker 1: me because it was like shit, like you have not
Speaker 1: looked at your husband in his eyes and just taking
Speaker 1: a moment, and aside from just looking at you, it
Speaker 1: was just the idea of us not being distracted by
Speaker 1: anything else. There was no other outside noise, there were
Speaker 1: no children, there was no phone, there was no social media,
Speaker 1: there was nothing. It was really being present with him,
Speaker 1: and though there were other couples in the room with us,
Speaker 1: there was nobody. It felt like there was no one there.
Speaker 1: That's important. People don't understand when you first start dating
Speaker 1: someone and you're in college and you're on scholarship and
Speaker 1: your girlfriend's on scholarship, there are no real world problems
Speaker 1: that can interject themselves into your relationship. So when you
Speaker 1: see that person, there your escape. You know, my my
Speaker 1: issues At that time where football professors, hers were residents
Speaker 1: because she was a resident director. It was school, it
Speaker 1: was internships. So when she got away from all of that,
Speaker 1: she came to me in order for me to get
Speaker 1: away from all of my football and stuff. I went
Speaker 1: to her, So we were each other's escape. And once
Speaker 1: you leave that aspect of life and then you have bills,
Speaker 1: you have start getting everything. That person that was once
Speaker 1: your escape now becomes your obligation. And the funny part
Speaker 1: about it was that was the first time in a
Speaker 1: long time that you and I legitimately sat there and
Speaker 1: where each other's escape from everything. Absolutely absolutely, it was
Speaker 1: really really an amazing weekend. We were there with a
Speaker 1: bunch of other couples and it was a safe space
Speaker 1: for us to really just kind of dive into each
Speaker 1: other and yes, you know, reconnect. And the young woman's
Speaker 1: name was Nirvania like Lasagna. Her name is I am
Speaker 1: Navonia on Instagram. I A am n e v A
Speaker 1: I n A. That was the young lady who put
Speaker 1: us through this process to kind of help us get
Speaker 1: back to connecting. And um, it's funny because there's a
Speaker 1: song out that we were talking about doing karaoke. Kadina
Speaker 1: and I were talking about possibly doing Weekend by Scissor,
Speaker 1: and she was like, um, why would we do Weekend
Speaker 1: by Scissor? That's talking about I was like, that's the
Speaker 1: whole infidelity episode. That's what she said. And I said,
Speaker 1: I said, for real, because it's real, and she's like,
Speaker 1: what do you mean? I said, think about it. Most
Speaker 1: of the times, when you come from where we came from,
Speaker 1: being each other's escape in college, and then you get
Speaker 1: married and you become each other's obligation, you're often now
Speaker 1: looking for the escape, right, So you're looking for that rule,
Speaker 1: which has become so cliche, but you're looking for that escape.
Speaker 1: So after we left this nfl p A event, we
Speaker 1: had a hotel room and we enjoyed each other that
Speaker 1: night in every aspect of enjoying as you can. And
Speaker 1: it's funny because um, the young lady that was our
Speaker 1: contact for the nfl p A, Leslie, was like, y'all
Speaker 1: are gonna want to stay for this session? Because our
Speaker 1: session was before hers. She's like, you're gonna want to
Speaker 1: stay for the session and that baby that people are
Speaker 1: asking y'all for, that little girl just might happen tonight.
Speaker 1: And I was like, you know what, if that's the case,
Speaker 1: it was meant to be, let's just stay and um
Speaker 1: Nirvania like Lasagna, we don't have to name that baby
Speaker 1: after that's the case, And The funny part is was
Speaker 1: the next morning you had to get up and I
Speaker 1: had to leave and fly back home to be with
Speaker 1: the boys who had to film the next day. And
Speaker 1: you woke up and you said thing, I felt like,
Speaker 1: I felt like, you know, I was your side piece
Speaker 1: because you know, we we slept together last night. I
Speaker 1: woke up in the morning and to leave before you
Speaker 1: woke up. I was like, let me pack my bags.
Speaker 1: I showered and stuff. I was leaving the hotel, like,
Speaker 1: oh my goodness, this feels like I feel like I'm
Speaker 1: leaving my little joint in the hotel and felt great.
Speaker 1: It allowed us like we missed each other, but we
Speaker 1: we escaped from everything that was bothering us and allowed
Speaker 1: each other to be each other's side pieces. And the
Speaker 1: funny thing about it is I could I could definitely
Speaker 1: understand how people look for that little bit of heaven
Speaker 1: outside of their relationships or because as we got into life,
Speaker 1: we really did forget about each other. There were days
Speaker 1: and that goes back to the story that I told
Speaker 1: in storytime. Um, I really did forget about you because
Speaker 1: I was so focused on my job of being a husband.
Speaker 1: So then my job of being a husband became so
Speaker 1: much more important than actually being connected to the person
Speaker 1: I'm supposed to be married to. And that leads me
Speaker 1: to a couple of questions that I came up with exercise. Yes,
Speaker 1: came up with a couple of questions. I know your
Speaker 1: mind was working after that whole exercise, you were like,
Speaker 1: it wants to be a good podcasts. And I'm going
Speaker 1: to tell you why I was working because as a
Speaker 1: millennial married couple, historically men don't share their feelings. So
Speaker 1: it's always about, oh, the men work too much, they
Speaker 1: don't pay attention to their wives, They're not focused on
Speaker 1: their wives, and as if vice versa doesn't happen, and
Speaker 1: also as if it's supposed to just be acceptable when
Speaker 1: it happens to a husband. And you and I have
Speaker 1: had many conversations where I felt like I don't have
Speaker 1: my wife, and I wanted to ask these questions and
Speaker 1: we can both you know, we can both answer these questions.
Speaker 1: So the first question is have I always been your escape? Always? No, okay,
Speaker 1: but you have been at certain points elaborate So, I
Speaker 1: mean we've been together for October will be seventeen years um.
Speaker 1: And yes, a lot of times I look to you
Speaker 1: for like refuge. Um, you know, if there's a ton
Speaker 1: of things going on at one time, I need to
Speaker 1: be able to prevent to you about certain things. Are
Speaker 1: you being my sounding board for things? If I meant
Speaker 1: the crossroads with a decision that has to be made
Speaker 1: or just life. A lot of times that happens. But
Speaker 1: I do feel like sometimes I unfairly unload a lot
Speaker 1: onto you and don't reciprocate, and that when you do
Speaker 1: some unloading, I am not as active and trying to
Speaker 1: find a way to help you deal with that, and
Speaker 1: it maybe I would have to agree on that, And
Speaker 1: it may be because sometimes I'm just so self absorbed
Speaker 1: and selfish in that moment, which I can now admit that.
Speaker 1: But having had arguments with you and conversations upon conversations, Um,
Speaker 1: but I've come to realize that sometimes like that. But
Speaker 1: that's more me telling why you weren't. I want to
Speaker 1: know when? At what point? Because I can lead me
Speaker 1: to my second question, at what point did I stop
Speaker 1: being your escaped? Like at what point in our relationship
Speaker 1: did it go from? Okay, I can leave Devout from class.
Speaker 1: I can leave class and go run to Devout and
Speaker 1: just be in heaven. So it's like, at what point
Speaker 1: did that happen in our relationships? Okay, so I think
Speaker 1: you know what, I'll be honest, it probably happened after
Speaker 1: our first child, because I feel like at that point,
Speaker 1: now I had to divide my time with you, and
Speaker 1: I was becoming mom and wife and you were so
Speaker 1: focused on being husband and provider. Like you said in
Speaker 1: your story that things became very methodical with you, and
Speaker 1: it was just like, yeah, well that would be nice,
Speaker 1: but I have to go to the gym, and I
Speaker 1: have to do this, and I have to do that.
Speaker 1: So I was caught between a cross sort of feelings.
Speaker 1: Super Like, I respected your hustle in your grind, so
Speaker 1: I felt like I couldn't complain because I was like, here,
Speaker 1: I am able to stay home with our son, you know,
Speaker 1: leave my job after Jackson was a year and a half.
Speaker 1: Um developed afforded me the opportunity to say, hey, I
Speaker 1: don't enjoy this workspace anymore. UM, I want to be
Speaker 1: home with my son. And you made it pretty much
Speaker 1: single handedly possible for me to be able to leave
Speaker 1: that environment and then be at home with our son
Speaker 1: and be a sole caretaker of you. Guys, And then
Speaker 1: in turn, you were working so much that at that
Speaker 1: point I felt like I couldn't even get the devout
Speaker 1: that I remembered in college or devop You said, I
Speaker 1: just have fun, So sorry, so allow me to kind
Speaker 1: of receive this, so you appreciate it what I offered,
Speaker 1: But it was my prioritizing and not my ability not
Speaker 1: to balance me being a provider and being there emotionally, absolutely,
Speaker 1: and I felt like I was gonna be a brat,
Speaker 1: Like how could I, you know, living the lifestyle I
Speaker 1: was living at the time, not like there was anything
Speaker 1: super elaborate, but I had everything I needed and most
Speaker 1: of the things I wanted and you were providing that,
Speaker 1: So how can it then in turn be like, well,
Speaker 1: do you don't spend no time with me? I want
Speaker 1: you to stay home with me, and you know, let's
Speaker 1: just sit here and do nothing together and enjoy each
Speaker 1: other and just be a lot of times, that's how
Speaker 1: it couldn't be, you know, And this is this leads
Speaker 1: us to a bigger conversation, because that's just to answer
Speaker 1: that that that question, you know, go back and forth.
Speaker 1: But that's how I felt as a man trying to
Speaker 1: be a provider, you know, like you here all the time.
Speaker 1: It's like, yo, be a man. Your wife is having
Speaker 1: a baby. Being man, man, go up there, do the
Speaker 1: right thing. And when you're trying to do the right
Speaker 1: thing and you're spending time building a business or that,
Speaker 1: your wife can be a mom and have the autonomy
Speaker 1: over her life to make a choice of whether she
Speaker 1: wants to work or not. And then you hear, well,
Speaker 1: you don't spend no time with me. It's like, yo,
Speaker 1: so what am I do you want me? You want
Speaker 1: me to I can be home and spend time with you,
Speaker 1: but now you may have to go to work now,
Speaker 1: you know what I'm saying. So for me as a man,
Speaker 1: it felt like, damn, I'm damned if I do. I'm
Speaker 1: damned if I don't. Absolutely, and you know, and that
Speaker 1: kind of that kind of put us at odds a lot.
Speaker 1: And we were going through that, you know, that time
Speaker 1: in our space. And that leads me to the next question.
Speaker 1: I mean, let me hear you. We can we can
Speaker 1: go back and forth on this, you know, like you
Speaker 1: interrogate me over here, because I got questions I got
Speaker 1: do you do know? I mean, have I always I
Speaker 1: know I haven't always escaped. Ask that question with a
Speaker 1: straight face. I know I haven't always been your escape.
Speaker 1: At what point did it stop for you? This is
Speaker 1: gonna sound funny, right, because when you you stopped being
Speaker 1: my escape. When I put pressure on myself to be
Speaker 1: a provider. Okay, when we were in college, right, I
Speaker 1: felt no obligations. You are scholarship. I was on scholarship. You.
Speaker 1: You know, there was nothing that needed to get done
Speaker 1: because our lives were taken care of once I started
Speaker 1: playing football, and I felt the need to have to
Speaker 1: take care of you because you had to live with me,
Speaker 1: We had to pay bills. At that point, you were
Speaker 1: no longer just an escape, because then you became sponsibility, responsibility.
Speaker 1: Like it was like, yo, I asked you to move
Speaker 1: to Detroit with me because you were still in school.
Speaker 1: This is what I have to do. And that was
Speaker 1: of no fold of your own. But I was conditioned
Speaker 1: to feel like this is on me, and at that
Speaker 1: point it wasn't. It wasn't as much one anymore. No
Speaker 1: I'm not I'm not gonna sit here and throw it
Speaker 1: on you. No, I'm not going to drop the ball here.
Speaker 1: I'm not gonna throw it all on you. You know,
Speaker 1: I'm saying, there were times where I felt like you
Speaker 1: were being a brandon, times where you made you made
Speaker 1: yourself an obligation to me. Um, But I felt like
Speaker 1: I put that on myself, and I felt like I
Speaker 1: let society tell me as the man, I have to
Speaker 1: do all of these things, and you have to take
Speaker 1: care of for almost like you were a child, almost,
Speaker 1: And at that point you wanted my escape no more
Speaker 1: because you were at home waiting for me to come home.
Speaker 1: And then I got home, and then all you had
Speaker 1: with stuff for me to do. And then I remember
Speaker 1: one time in particular where you were up for the
Speaker 1: reporter search and Kadin, it's very spoiled guys, and she
Speaker 1: had kept winning and she kept going and started with
Speaker 1: four hundred people, and she was into the top of
Speaker 1: a hundred, then the top fifty, then the top twenty,
Speaker 1: and it got to a point where she had to
Speaker 1: go back every day and it was a competition. I no,
Speaker 1: I was going for a W D I V in Detroit. Yes,
Speaker 1: at the time, they were doing a traffic reporter search,
Speaker 1: so they pretty much had a bunch of people come
Speaker 1: to them all and Um, from that, they were picking
Speaker 1: people who they thought had the possibility of gaining, you know,
Speaker 1: getting this job. So I made it from like I
Speaker 1: forget how many people auditioned like four something down to
Speaker 1: like top ten, and then I was in the last
Speaker 1: because this is the thing that's what you can tell
Speaker 1: school for broadcast. And I was like, all right, this
Speaker 1: is And then at the time, I had left everything
Speaker 1: in New York to come to Detroit to be with
Speaker 1: you at this point, so I was just like, well,
Speaker 1: I feel like at this point, I'm obligated to find
Speaker 1: a job because what I'm not going to do is
Speaker 1: sit at home and just like not do anything. And
Speaker 1: I appreciated that. I appreciate that because it was a
Speaker 1: point in our relationship there where we were at a
Speaker 1: crossroads where we were like, are you gonna live with me?
Speaker 1: Because you didn't want to be She told me she
Speaker 1: didn't want to be the girl to live in girlfriend
Speaker 1: while I was playing ball, Like she just felt like
Speaker 1: that was just not the role she wanted to take.
Speaker 1: So she wanted to work. She wanted to get back
Speaker 1: out in the workforce. So I appreciate that. Yeah, and
Speaker 1: I'm not spoiled. I was just finished the story, like
Speaker 1: I finished the story. Can I finish my certain? Can
Speaker 1: I finish my story? You you said you said I
Speaker 1: could jump in finish my story. Now you're not letting
Speaker 1: me straight ahead ahead. So now she's in the top ten. Right,
Speaker 1: every couple of days she has to go back in
Speaker 1: and film. So she needed a new outfit. At the time,
Speaker 1: we lived in Philmar, Michigan. But what was the name
Speaker 1: of the mall? It was We lived in a housing
Speaker 1: complex across the street from Fair Lane. More So, every
Speaker 1: time she won, I said, let's go to Fair Lane
Speaker 1: and get you an outfit. That wasn't enough from my
Speaker 1: accustomed wife. She had to go to the huge mall
Speaker 1: twenty miles away in a different part of Michigan because
Speaker 1: they had more stories. They did have they had the
Speaker 1: Gucci de Fend, the Louis stores. It didn't have to
Speaker 1: be expensive. I just needed more selection. Fair Lane was
Speaker 1: like the hood spot. It was like the King's Plaza.
Speaker 1: If you don't know New York, it was like the
Speaker 1: Kings Plaza versus like Roosevelt Field Mall. She says, she's
Speaker 1: not spoiled. Somebody can't find a whole outfit in a
Speaker 1: whole mall. It's not spoiled, it were inappropriate. There was
Speaker 1: some people and this happen. And I said, this is
Speaker 1: what she was like, you talking like a child. She
Speaker 1: was like, good for that. I said that. I said,
Speaker 1: there's somebody you're competing against right now who does not
Speaker 1: live across sheet from the mall, who does not have
Speaker 1: the means to go to the mall every time they win.
Speaker 1: And that's what you're competing against. All right, Abraham, so
Speaker 1: many sons and daughters. You can figure out. I said,
Speaker 1: you can figure out what you got in this closet,
Speaker 1: or we can go to the mall right, And I
Speaker 1: was like, nobody going to take it to the more.
Speaker 1: Every time she said to me, my mom would take me,
Speaker 1: she would because at that point, you felt like an
Speaker 1: obligation because I still had practice. I still had I
Speaker 1: was still playing professional Football's like, just give me the
Speaker 1: card and I'll go on my own. That was and
Speaker 1: that was not he knew early on. He was like,
Speaker 1: oh damn, damn, So how do we deal with this
Speaker 1: reality of what it is not being each other's I mean, we,
Speaker 1: like you'll know, we speak very candidly to each other,
Speaker 1: and we've said time and time again, this is like
Speaker 1: our therapy session, so us being able to speak candidly
Speaker 1: about this. Um, it's not a problem. And now that
Speaker 1: we know that this is the reality, how do we
Speaker 1: deal with this? Well, the first thing is we have
Speaker 1: to talk about how it affected our relationship. When you
Speaker 1: stop becoming someone's escape and you become their obligation, things
Speaker 1: start to go away. And the first thing that goes
Speaker 1: away is intimacy. We weren't hugging, we weren't kissing, we
Speaker 1: weren't smiling, we weren't watching movies together, so that connection
Speaker 1: was gone. So with that connection being gone, intimacy at
Speaker 1: all was gone. We weren't having sex like that, Like,
Speaker 1: we weren't feeling each other in that way. I think
Speaker 1: over the course of our relationship, we have several points
Speaker 1: where we felt disconnected and we've been able to say it.
Speaker 1: And you may have felt disconnected to me in certain
Speaker 1: you know, points, and then vice versa, and then a
Speaker 1: lot of times too, I would look at you and
Speaker 1: be like, damn, I didn't even realize, like we haven't
Speaker 1: hugged or kissed in however many days, or I didn't
Speaker 1: realize that we were actually disconnected. Do you feel that way?
Speaker 1: Because I'm one that gets very involved in like the
Speaker 1: day to day, like, oh my god, we have this
Speaker 1: to get done, not to get done, the house, the
Speaker 1: kids that you know, and there's so many things that
Speaker 1: go through my mind that I just kind of moved
Speaker 1: from day to day sometimes and not really soaking and
Speaker 1: stopped to smell the roses, you know, just saying quote unquote,
Speaker 1: because I feel like of the two of us, I
Speaker 1: am more aware of when we're not intimate, and I
Speaker 1: think that's really the gauge. And when it's been to
Speaker 1: three days that we haven't had sex, that's what that is.
Speaker 1: That's not only that's well that that ultimately is the
Speaker 1: gauge of how we know. But it happens before that.
Speaker 1: I've said to you before, like how many days you're
Speaker 1: gonna come here and watch the movie with me and
Speaker 1: just fall asleep? And that's even before sex becomes an issue, Right,
Speaker 1: I get an attitude where I'm like, when's the last
Speaker 1: time we've been to the movies, when's the last time
Speaker 1: we watched the show, when's the last time you've given
Speaker 1: me a hug. I'll say those things before that, and
Speaker 1: then when it's like, yeah, we have sex in three days.
Speaker 1: Then you're like, oh, it's always about sex. I'm like, no,
Speaker 1: it's not just about sex. But you hate when I
Speaker 1: bring up sex. You get very divinsive when I bring
Speaker 1: up well, I mean too because sometimes for me, intimacy
Speaker 1: does not have to lead to that. But we've spoken
Speaker 1: about that on past episodes, where you know, sometimes the
Speaker 1: intimacy for me can just be like looking in your
Speaker 1: eyes so way I did that day, or just you know,
Speaker 1: holding each other's hand and laying next to you. It
Speaker 1: sounds nice, gentlemen, don't that sound nice to you? Yeah,
Speaker 1: but that's sometimes Sometimes I don't want all the extra stuff.
Speaker 1: I just want to like, you know, but sometimes that
Speaker 1: getting though, like sometimes and you've admitted to it, sometimes
Speaker 1: us attain it's been two weeks and we haven't hugged, right,
Speaker 1: that's the problem. That's the problem. That's pretty that has
Speaker 1: nothing to do with sex. I asked you, like, when's
Speaker 1: the last time you've hugged me? Right? Or even even
Speaker 1: more important, because you know how I am about my food,
Speaker 1: but when's the last time you woke up in the
Speaker 1: morning and just made me breakfast? Weeks I get super
Speaker 1: angry that don't got nothing to do with sex. But
Speaker 1: I'm like, yeah, when the last time you made me
Speaker 1: baking egg and cheese on cinnamon amazing like you used to,
Speaker 1: and maybe like this you'll make it. And I'm like,
Speaker 1: I don't want this version of this baking naked cheese.
Speaker 1: I want to the real one that's used to make
Speaker 1: in college. Right, but you were a couple of pounds.
Speaker 1: You're trying to gain weight now now you don't want
Speaker 1: no dad Bob, so I can't be making you bak
Speaker 1: bakon naked cheese like I used to. We're both on
Speaker 1: a health kick. So so you know what's funny though,
Speaker 1: because we missed this question, what was your first response
Speaker 1: to this revelation? The first response to this for me
Speaker 1: is to shut down. The first response for me telling
Speaker 1: you that my first to the revelation that we're not
Speaker 1: connected and to the revelation that you are no longer
Speaker 1: my escape obligation, my first revelation is to shut down
Speaker 1: because I don't want to feel like a burden. So
Speaker 1: I'm like, you know, I'm not gonna say nothing. I'm
Speaker 1: just going No one wants to feel like they're being
Speaker 1: obligated to, because then it loses this authenticity and then
Speaker 1: it's not organic anymore. And we've said that before, like
Speaker 1: you don't want to feel like now has to put
Speaker 1: on for us to then be connected. But then I
Speaker 1: noticed that nothing happens because if I don't make you
Speaker 1: aware that I feel a shortain way and I just
Speaker 1: shut down and you're used to us move been like
Speaker 1: ships in the night. We just continue to move like
Speaker 1: ships in the night. Absolutely, you know what I'm saying.
Speaker 1: My first as to the revelation be like, oh, ship,
Speaker 1: how do I salvage this now? At this point? Because
Speaker 1: usually when it gets to that point, I know you're
Speaker 1: already in your feelings about it, You're upset to an
Speaker 1: extent um, And it's really like a kind of clean
Speaker 1: up for me, like damn, how am I gonna now
Speaker 1: salvage just and clean up what this mess that's pretty
Speaker 1: much made? Um, So it's like waves for us. But
Speaker 1: but that's but that's what leads us to the fourth question.
Speaker 1: How do you deal with that reality when you realize
Speaker 1: that I'm no longer your escape? What do you what
Speaker 1: do you do? What do you say to me to
Speaker 1: make me realize that? I mean, usually at that point, um,
Speaker 1: I then have a desire to want to connect as
Speaker 1: soon as possible or as as fast as possible. And
Speaker 1: for me, I can start right in that moment, be like,
Speaker 1: you know what, let's just put everything aside and do it.
Speaker 1: You don't necessarily operate that way. I feel like you're you,
Speaker 1: You're kind of you want to be upset. I want
Speaker 1: to be that likes to be upset, and he likes
Speaker 1: to just like you know, be dramatic. And he'll leave
Speaker 1: the room and I have to go follow him out
Speaker 1: of the room and then like text me from the
Speaker 1: other room and then I have to come and it's
Speaker 1: like a back and forth. Like he likes this whole dramatic.
Speaker 1: Definite husband is definitely an actor. He'd be practicing his
Speaker 1: chaps with me all the time because I swear sometimes
Speaker 1: I'm just like bro, nobody wants to be dramatic. But
Speaker 1: I also just don't want to argue, So I gotta
Speaker 1: let you know that I'm upset without talking about it,
Speaker 1: because you you like to argue. You like to argue
Speaker 1: despite it's the most exhausting, most draining thing is having
Speaker 1: to argue with you. So if I can avoid an
Speaker 1: argument with you, I am going to avoid it. That's
Speaker 1: why I'm like, you know what, let's let bygones be bygones.
Speaker 1: I'm at the point now, and let's just I'm going
Speaker 1: to put my husband voice. I'm going to say, you
Speaker 1: know what, baby, you right, don't patronize me because you
Speaker 1: argue right, don't patronize It is not an argument. It
Speaker 1: doesn't is a discussion. Everything develop wants to label as
Speaker 1: an argument, things will have to be an argument. It
Speaker 1: can require just simply discussing it. Okay, you got it.
Speaker 1: Moving on anyway, So after the whole retreat that we
Speaker 1: were on, it really got us to thinking about what
Speaker 1: are the ways that we can now show those levels
Speaker 1: of intimacy or the levels of being seen again that
Speaker 1: we've either kind of you know, felt by the wayside
Speaker 1: over the years or are just non existent. Um so,
Speaker 1: what are some things in addition to the bacon, egg
Speaker 1: and cheese, but excluding sex, just little things excluding sex.
Speaker 1: Hey actually said excluding sex, because we beat that dead
Speaker 1: horse so much. The dead horses never it's always beat
Speaker 1: for a woman. It's never beat for a man, and
Speaker 1: it's never beat for a woman when another woman is involved.
Speaker 1: The whole other podcast episode, but it's the truth though,
Speaker 1: women want to downplay the role of sex until we
Speaker 1: start talking about sex with someone else. You can say
Speaker 1: excluding sex because it's convenient. But then if I say,
Speaker 1: all right, I'm gonna talk to this other women to
Speaker 1: do all the stuff, but we're not gonna talk about
Speaker 1: the sex we had, We're gonna talk about all the
Speaker 1: other intimate ways you wouldn't you. I'm talking about it
Speaker 1: in the context of this relationship at this segment that
Speaker 1: we're talking about. Now, we already touched on sex. We
Speaker 1: touched on the bacon, egg and cheese. So what are
Speaker 1: other ways that intimacy can be involved where I can
Speaker 1: show you that I'm in tune with you other than bacon,
Speaker 1: egg and cheese and sex. That's what I said. Well,
Speaker 1: this is the big this is the biggest thing, all right.
Speaker 1: First of all, men want to feel wanted the same
Speaker 1: way women want to feel wanted. You know, women talk
Speaker 1: about it all the time. I want to feel pretty,
Speaker 1: I want to Men want to feel as if the
Speaker 1: person that they chose to spend the rest of their
Speaker 1: life with wants them all the time. You know what
Speaker 1: I'm saying, You don't. You don't want to ever feel
Speaker 1: dismissed in your own home, and that really has not
Speaker 1: not everything to do with sex, but you want to
Speaker 1: feel good like you want to You want to feel like, damn,
Speaker 1: my woman wants me. So what would that entail for you?
Speaker 1: What are some things that I can do or things
Speaker 1: that may be done in the past that I don't
Speaker 1: do anymore. That shows a level of intimacy, that shows
Speaker 1: you know what Kadin has tuned into me, Kadin sees me,
Speaker 1: or maybe there's some things that you desire for me
Speaker 1: that you don't get. Yeah, well, I mean that also
Speaker 1: comes with change, because I mean I've changed over time
Speaker 1: and you've changed over time. So the first thing is
Speaker 1: communicating those things. But it's just it's small things like
Speaker 1: you walk in the house. You've been at work all day, right,
Speaker 1: A hug would be nice. A kiss, not the garbage,
Speaker 1: you know, not just the valley's boxes need to be
Speaker 1: taken out. There's certain things you just want to walk
Speaker 1: in your home and feel welcomed, like there's no If
Speaker 1: you do this all the time, I'll feel real more intimate.
Speaker 1: There has to be a presence there and and for me,
Speaker 1: I feel like it should be your job as my
Speaker 1: wife to work on figuring those things out for me.
Speaker 1: Like if I gotta put down a laundry list and
Speaker 1: give it to you, I'm dating myself, you know what
Speaker 1: I'm saying. Like for me, I try to focus on
Speaker 1: the things that make you feel good as a woman,
Speaker 1: and I myself try to make sure that I know
Speaker 1: those things so you don't have to constantly tell me.
Speaker 1: As a man, it's annoying to constantly tell your wife
Speaker 1: all the things you need. Nobody want to do. That means, yeah, exactly,
Speaker 1: I wouldn't want to give you a list of things
Speaker 1: either too. I completely get that, I understand it. But
Speaker 1: socially it's been on the man's like, no your woman, no,
Speaker 1: your woman, but it's never been vice versa. They don't
Speaker 1: normally tell women, you know, pay attention to your man's
Speaker 1: feelings and his needs, because that was seen as not masculine.
Speaker 1: You know what I'm saying, It seems not master you're
Speaker 1: a man. Man up. If your wife don't want to
Speaker 1: do this, man up and deal with it, it's like
Speaker 1: that doesn't work. It really doesn't work. You want your
Speaker 1: wife to know, you don't really want to have to
Speaker 1: say it right, you know, So you'd be happy if
Speaker 1: you know, you come home from work and I just like,
Speaker 1: you know what, there's a ton of stuff and now
Speaker 1: it is to be done. But let's just let all
Speaker 1: that fall by the wayside, but just for tonight and
Speaker 1: we can just be that would that would feel good
Speaker 1: sometimes we can. No, I'm gonna be honest, that would
Speaker 1: feel good sometimes, because that ship is never gonna end. Like,
Speaker 1: there's always stuff to do in the house. So the
Speaker 1: minute I walk in the house and you're telling me
Speaker 1: ship they gotta get done tomorrow, there's gonna be more
Speaker 1: ship they gotta get done. So just just saying like,
Speaker 1: there's always stuffy gotta be done so we don't have
Speaker 1: to worry about the intimate. See, that's that's not a
Speaker 1: good excuse, because that wasn't a good enough excuse for
Speaker 1: me when I was doing it to you. It's not
Speaker 1: fair that because I'm trying to build this I can
Speaker 1: forget about all the things my wife needs. That's not
Speaker 1: fair because I can dial it back and think of
Speaker 1: that time when I felt like, yeah, literally coming in,
Speaker 1: coming out and not doing and I was definitely guilty
Speaker 1: of not only that, but throwing responsibilities on you and
Speaker 1: saying something, well, you're my wife, You're supposed to make
Speaker 1: sure this is done. That's just not cool, Like husband
Speaker 1: shouldn't do that to their wives neither, you know, even
Speaker 1: even making sex and obligation not sex. Now you want
Speaker 1: to talk about sex that you see his guys. Now
Speaker 1: she want to talk about sex. But I just co
Speaker 1: sided off on what you said. I mean for me,
Speaker 1: little things that I would like to see. Now. It's
Speaker 1: funny because up until maybe like a couple of months ago,
Speaker 1: the thought of having anybody touched me unwanted or unnecessarily
Speaker 1: was like, just please don't touch me. And I think
Speaker 1: that's because I went from having Cairo and then when
Speaker 1: he was six months old, I got pregnant again, so
Speaker 1: I had a baby in me and then on me breastfeeding,
Speaker 1: and then I was had a baby in me again
Speaker 1: while I was breastfeeding Cairo, and then I had another
Speaker 1: baby and he was breastfeeding so cast and it was
Speaker 1: literally somebody always touching me. And it was a while.
Speaker 1: There was four a minute I was like, could you
Speaker 1: because somebody do not touch me. But now I feel
Speaker 1: like postpartum is a distant past and I want you
Speaker 1: to start touching me again, but not you see that
Speaker 1: sound bite. I just took that sound bite. I'm gonna
Speaker 1: have to put that on a loop. I'm gonna have
Speaker 1: them put that on a loop. And I'm just played.
Speaker 1: And when you just started touching me again, I wanted you.
Speaker 1: I can hear it now, I can hear it now repeat.
Speaker 1: But no, and not touching necessarily with the intent to
Speaker 1: just always the one I would love for you to
Speaker 1: just like you know, I love when you just like
Speaker 1: grab my shoulders and my back or give me a
Speaker 1: massage because you know, I've been in the gym, so
Speaker 1: you know. Um. But no, like a little massage every
Speaker 1: now and again, or just pulling me close to you,
Speaker 1: or like when you used to hoist me up on
Speaker 1: top of the countertop. You like that, Like things like
Speaker 1: that exactly, and those little things that reminders like okay,
Speaker 1: I still got it, and you know my husband still
Speaker 1: looking at me, and you know I'm giving you the
Speaker 1: green light to do that. Let me tell you something, right,
Speaker 1: what's up physiologically? When I hoist you up on the
Speaker 1: counter You're not the only thing that goes up. That's
Speaker 1: all I'm gonna say. Because you don't want to talk
Speaker 1: about sex. Doesn't want you to keep that in mind.
Speaker 1: I get it. Just say little things like that would
Speaker 1: be cute. But I have a question for you. Right
Speaker 1: people want to know, is monogamy the answer? Now, for
Speaker 1: some people, monogamy is not the answer because you're never
Speaker 1: going to find that one person that's going to do
Speaker 1: everything that you want all the time. So the question was,
Speaker 1: was monogamy the answer for us to I'll answer this
Speaker 1: because a lot of times it's for men. They want
Speaker 1: to know, because men seem to be the ones that
Speaker 1: want to go out there and explore, right, monogamy, And
Speaker 1: I'll answer for me. You can answer for you. But
Speaker 1: monogamy is the answer for me. But it's not for
Speaker 1: the reasons that people think. I want to be monogamous
Speaker 1: because I feel like I'm my best version of myself
Speaker 1: when my focus can be on one person. You know
Speaker 1: what I'm saying. I'm big on legacy, I'm big on family,
Speaker 1: and I feel like the most healthiest way for me
Speaker 1: and the children is if I do it with just
Speaker 1: one person. You know what I'm saying. I have things
Speaker 1: that I want to do for myself and it's the
Speaker 1: most selfish thing. Because people say Oh, if you're not
Speaker 1: being a monogamous, you being selfish. I think I'm being monogamous.
Speaker 1: I'm being selfish by wanting to be monogamous because I
Speaker 1: really am thinking about myself. I want to be great
Speaker 1: in every other aspect of my life, so I need
Speaker 1: that focus to be there. So I need to be
Speaker 1: focused on one person to build the legacy of family with.
Speaker 1: So for me, monogamy works for me because that's what
Speaker 1: I went out of my life, right. I don't think
Speaker 1: monogamy works for everybody. I honestly don't. I don't. I
Speaker 1: really don't agree. I agree. I mean, for me, monogamy
Speaker 1: is there. I don't think. I think even if I
Speaker 1: was not married to you, I would probably still I'm
Speaker 1: like a serial monogamous, Like even yeah, that's what I want.
Speaker 1: I'm just I don't think I would be the one
Speaker 1: that's just kind of into like juggling and being out
Speaker 1: and being around. I'm a little bit more of a homebody,
Speaker 1: especially now, you know. So I just I don't think
Speaker 1: for me that, um, you know, being out there playing
Speaker 1: the field as a female was going to be my
Speaker 1: speed anyway. Um, I agree to monogamy is not the
Speaker 1: answer for everyone. Um, the attention that you have to
Speaker 1: put because I've said to you time and time and
Speaker 1: time and time again. If I'm not trying to be
Speaker 1: with you and invest time, and you don't have time
Speaker 1: for nobody else either. So it's just like, you know, what,
Speaker 1: what do I look like not being monogamous with you
Speaker 1: but then finding finding time for other people? That's the case.
Speaker 1: I could just pour it back into you and really
Speaker 1: work on what matters. I agree with that, you know.
Speaker 1: So I have a question, what's your thoughts on having
Speaker 1: a side piece? I don't go there with me again
Speaker 1: because you know this whole Sciopis conversations and came up
Speaker 1: before and they got us into some issues that I'm
Speaker 1: good on being a monogamous right, But I want to
Speaker 1: know your thoughts on just a side piece? Does does
Speaker 1: that work for some people? What do you think? Oh? Man,
Speaker 1: that's a case by case. Don't give a blanket answer.
Speaker 1: What are your thoughts on just having a side piece?
Speaker 1: I just think a side piece is too messy. I think, um,
Speaker 1: there's too much risk involved with side pieces. I think that, Um,
Speaker 1: it's just too I just too messy. Like me, I
Speaker 1: just can't I can't I can't process the whole side
Speaker 1: piece thing. I mean, this is what I think. I can't.
Speaker 1: I feel like we are. It's two thousand nineteen. It's
Speaker 1: a completely different time than when marriage was first constructed.
Speaker 1: So we exist now in a time with the traditional
Speaker 1: values of marriage and what being a husband and a
Speaker 1: wife realistically do not exist anymore. Marriage was constructed during
Speaker 1: the time when women were just considered property. I always
Speaker 1: say that women now make, if not as much more
Speaker 1: money in certain areas than men, especially black women. Black
Speaker 1: women are making a ton of money. Right, So think
Speaker 1: about it. If you're a black woman who's all about
Speaker 1: your career, you don't really want to be married, you
Speaker 1: don't really want to be a mom, and you just
Speaker 1: want to have your freedom sexually, right, that may work
Speaker 1: for someone like that. So that may wait for for
Speaker 1: that woman that you just describe. It would work for
Speaker 1: her to be a side piece. No, it's just somebody
Speaker 1: that's married. No I'm not. I'm not saying she has
Speaker 1: to choose to be a side piece. But what if
Speaker 1: she what if she gets she's involved with someone, maybe
Speaker 1: they're not married, but she's like, I got my own time,
Speaker 1: I got my own things. I want to do. But
Speaker 1: if you want to go get his he can go
Speaker 1: get here. I mean, in that case, I would think
Speaker 1: should be a side piece. It's just that guy would
Speaker 1: have to have a side piece. You see what I'm saying.
Speaker 1: If they're in a relationship and a guy but she's like, hey,
Speaker 1: I'm not going to be around for a couple of months,
Speaker 1: I'm working on this, blah blah blah blah, do what
Speaker 1: you gotta do, just be safe, that guy would need
Speaker 1: a side piece. I mean, if I mean that's whether
Speaker 1: she wants to be, if that's the understanding they had,
Speaker 1: it depends on who's the main person and who's not.
Speaker 1: Who's that she could pretend be the side piece. If
Speaker 1: that's all she's in for is a good time every
Speaker 1: now and again, which she has total control over that
Speaker 1: and on tok of me over her life, that's great,
Speaker 1: But it depends on like, I don't know, if he's
Speaker 1: gonna have somebody stationary at home with him and then
Speaker 1: she just sees her on the weekends, don't. That's why
Speaker 1: I say it goes from a case to case basis
Speaker 1: because there are different there are different social constructs and
Speaker 1: socio economic conditions that exist in two thousand nineteen that
Speaker 1: didn't exist back in the day. And some people don't
Speaker 1: want to exist in that mold of what it is
Speaker 1: to be a wife or a husband. And if someone
Speaker 1: is happy having sex freely with different people, or being
Speaker 1: polyamorous or dealing with polygamy, I don't feel like we
Speaker 1: as a society should judge them. That may not work
Speaker 1: for me. But if you feel like being a side piece,
Speaker 1: and that's not just a woman thing, they are dudes
Speaker 1: who are professional side dudes. That's they go to work.
Speaker 1: They make their money that they don't want to deal
Speaker 1: with no woman's issues. But hey, she wants to give
Speaker 1: some little penis on the side, I'm gonna drop some
Speaker 1: dick off and I'm gonna leave her husband can deal
Speaker 1: with whatever you're drops. I'm serious, because some people don't
Speaker 1: want to deal with all the issues that that go
Speaker 1: with the relationship. And I think some people in in
Speaker 1: their mind may think, Okay, it makes sense if X
Speaker 1: y Z is not happening at home, I can get
Speaker 1: a side piece and it will strictly be that. But
Speaker 1: then what happens when feelings get involved and things that
Speaker 1: you thought were going to be strictly platonic or strictly
Speaker 1: sexual then become more than that. It just gets way
Speaker 1: too complicated relationships and don't have and you know how
Speaker 1: you avoid that with honesty and communication. The same way
Speaker 1: you have to be honest and communicate in a monogamous relationship,
Speaker 1: so honestly saying you're the side piece, this is what
Speaker 1: you're doing, this is your role. The bottom line is,
Speaker 1: when you're dealing with human beings, honesty and communications solves
Speaker 1: all problems. The only time people get hurt is when
Speaker 1: they're deceitful, when you lie, when you have an ulterior motive,
Speaker 1: But when you're honest from the beginning, you give that
Speaker 1: person a choice. I think that works in some circumstances,
Speaker 1: and in some circumstances there are unforeseen things that may
Speaker 1: occur or happen that then can potentially causes that happens
Speaker 1: in a monogamous relationship as well. My thing is, there's
Speaker 1: no rule that says the monogamous relationships work out more
Speaker 1: than polyamorous because the divorce rate is above. Definitely, it
Speaker 1: is no holier than that situation here when it comes
Speaker 1: to relationship, because we have our fair share of issues too,
Speaker 1: So My thing is if you can work through your
Speaker 1: issues in a monogamous relationship, you can work through your
Speaker 1: issues in the polyami situation. All those people just got
Speaker 1: to be honest. I know. I guess it's just it
Speaker 1: just complicate things more when, Okay, for example, you and
Speaker 1: I have an issue where in a monogamous relationship is
Speaker 1: between you and I. But then when you have a
Speaker 1: side piece or a side side piece or side dude
Speaker 1: or whatever, then it just incorporates another human beings, feelings
Speaker 1: and and whatever they gotta say. Like, it just makes
Speaker 1: it that much more difficult because it's just that many
Speaker 1: more people communicating or not. But it works. It works
Speaker 1: in business. If you're honest and you live a in
Speaker 1: your truth, there is no wrong in how you live
Speaker 1: your life because you give the people around you the
Speaker 1: opportunity to make choices. You see what I'm saying. If
Speaker 1: I decide at some point, hey, I don't want to
Speaker 1: live like this no more, and I'm honest with you
Speaker 1: and I say this is what I want to do,
Speaker 1: you then have a choice. If I'm going to deceive you,
Speaker 1: then that's room. So I have a choice to like
Speaker 1: shackle you to my bed and never let you go. Well,
Speaker 1: then you're taking away of my choices. Damn it, you
Speaker 1: have no choices here, devout, They get it, Cadine, I
Speaker 1: belong to you. All right, Why don't you just put
Speaker 1: a bar colde with numbers on my form. That's a
Speaker 1: good idea. Now we're going to get into some listener
Speaker 1: letters right after these ads. This for the record, there
Speaker 1: it is. Tiger Woods is one of our most inspiring
Speaker 1: sports icons. In his story, it comes with many chapters.
Speaker 1: I am deeply sorry from my irresponsible and selfish behavior,
Speaker 1: but here it is the return to glory. This is
Speaker 1: All American, a new series from Stitcher hosted by me
Speaker 1: Jordan Bell. You realized Tiger Us doesn't know who he
Speaker 1: is best in the history of golf, no question in
Speaker 1: my mind. And this season, with the help of journalist
Speaker 1: Albert Chen, we're asking what if the story of Tiger
Speaker 1: Woods that the media has been telling, what if it's
Speaker 1: been completely wrong? All American Tiger is out now listen
Speaker 1: and Stitcher, Apple Podcasts or your favorite podcast app. All right,
Speaker 1: now we're back. Let's get into those listener letters you
Speaker 1: guys have been writing in, and we picked two good
Speaker 1: ones for today. So let's talk about this first one.
Speaker 1: You both have been honest about the fact that you
Speaker 1: took breaks early in your relationship. Can you elaborate on
Speaker 1: what your brakes looked like and how long they lasted.
Speaker 1: My boyfriend and I are in our early twenties, and
Speaker 1: he recently told me he needed to take a break
Speaker 1: so he can figure out what he wanted. I know
Speaker 1: it's necessary, but I'm very hurt and worried that we
Speaker 1: won't be able to come back after the break is over.
Speaker 1: Is there any advice that you can give? Man? This
Speaker 1: sounds it sounds like us like in college early twenties. Um. Absolutely,
Speaker 1: Codein and I were definitely at that point. We were
Speaker 1: living together and things were becoming a little bit stressful
Speaker 1: because we were changing and we both had a little
Speaker 1: bit more priorities at that point. But I'm gonna be honest.
Speaker 1: I knew that I loved Codeine, but I also feared
Speaker 1: that I didn't experience what it was like to be
Speaker 1: a single man. We met at eighteen, so at this
Speaker 1: point now I was twenty one, and I was just like,
Speaker 1: I've I've never dated, I've never really dated any other women.
Speaker 1: How do I know Codein is the one. So we
Speaker 1: had a conversation and I was like, yo, I think
Speaker 1: we need to take a break. Like we're not talking
Speaker 1: right now, you know, we're not really feeling each other.
Speaker 1: I think this might be the point where we needed
Speaker 1: to take a break. Yeah, I think the honesty and
Speaker 1: it is great that he was able to even a
Speaker 1: to you. Um, I think that's pretty mature to say,
Speaker 1: you know what, I need a break to be able
Speaker 1: to just see what's out there, explore. And I'm not
Speaker 1: sure what the terms of the break are meaning. Is
Speaker 1: that he just wants to date other people or is
Speaker 1: it that he needs time to himself. It really depends
Speaker 1: on what it is. But de Val and I very
Speaker 1: early on, I knew how much we cared about each
Speaker 1: other and knew how much we loved each other. Um.
Speaker 1: But you have those moments where you're trying to grow
Speaker 1: within the confines of a relationship and it's not it's
Speaker 1: kind of unfair to yourself because you're growing trying to
Speaker 1: think about somebody else at the same time, and in
Speaker 1: turn that constunt your growth in certain areas. Um, it's
Speaker 1: healthy to be able to have those breaks. And I
Speaker 1: do understand the worry and the concern you have thinking,
Speaker 1: you know, you may not get back together or what
Speaker 1: if things go astray? Um, but I think it's better
Speaker 1: you find out earlier if anybody you know what I mean,
Speaker 1: don't string it on to the point where then there's
Speaker 1: resentment that tends to build years and years into it.
Speaker 1: Because you know, we've dealt with that where we've had
Speaker 1: resentment and not necessarily towards each other, because we never
Speaker 1: really held each other to the you know, the confines
Speaker 1: of this relationship and you can't have a break and
Speaker 1: you can't decide if you want to do other things. Um.
Speaker 1: But yeah, the resentment is still built kind of towards
Speaker 1: ourselves where you kind of get mad at yourself sometimes
Speaker 1: about and I get mad at myself, like, damn, I
Speaker 1: should have taken some time to really just be on
Speaker 1: my own. And the funny thing is our parents told
Speaker 1: us that. I know, your mom told you need to
Speaker 1: focus more, and you My mom definitely told me I
Speaker 1: was moving too fast in eighteen nineteen with a girlfriend
Speaker 1: in college. My dad too was just like you know, like, like, bro,
Speaker 1: you know you're in college, why don't you just explore
Speaker 1: a little bit? And I didn't understand at that point
Speaker 1: what that looked like. But this is one thing I say,
Speaker 1: as far as creating a break, one thing we didn't
Speaker 1: do when we took a break was we didn't tell
Speaker 1: everybody that we were taking a break, because it wasn't
Speaker 1: anybody else's business. And the reason why I say that
Speaker 1: is because once you you allow people to know what's happening,
Speaker 1: or you put them on alert everything that happens in
Speaker 1: your relationships, they start looking for things. So all we
Speaker 1: did was say to each other, listen, we need to
Speaker 1: take a break, take a time, take some time away
Speaker 1: from each other. I'm gonna start staying in my room.
Speaker 1: You stay in your room. If we want to talk
Speaker 1: to someone else, you let me know you're talking to someone.
Speaker 1: I'll let you know I'm talking to someone, and we'll
Speaker 1: move accordingly, right exactly. And then some people feel the opposite.
Speaker 1: They feel like, if it's a break, it should be
Speaker 1: a clean break and I don't need to know that
Speaker 1: you know what's going on while I'm on my break,
Speaker 1: and vice versa. But again, that's that stipulation that you
Speaker 1: have to create within the confines of your relationship. No
Speaker 1: one can do that for you. Um So yeah. I mean,
Speaker 1: I think it's necessary sometimes for growth because you'll be
Speaker 1: able to see what it is that you want. He
Speaker 1: can see what he wants. Um, and then you guys
Speaker 1: go accordingly from there. But being able to have the
Speaker 1: conversation in your early twenties about something like this, I
Speaker 1: think is amazing. You know, the honesty and it my
Speaker 1: my parents, his parents both kind of warned us about it,
Speaker 1: even we had anton uncles. I said that we shouldn't
Speaker 1: have gotten so serious so fast. But at the same time, too,
Speaker 1: you feel like you know everything in that moment, you know,
Speaker 1: we're just like yeah, and you don't. We're just like
Speaker 1: damn YEA, I was right. And it's kind of like
Speaker 1: this vicious cycle that tends to happen because I tell
Speaker 1: the same thing to my siblings. I'm sure my you know,
Speaker 1: when the kids get my our kids get older, will
Speaker 1: tell them the same things, and you kind of have
Speaker 1: to learn for yourself. But um, but you're hanging there, guys,
Speaker 1: and you know and just know that everything you think
Speaker 1: you know, you don't know. So I don't think you've
Speaker 1: run out of time because you're early twenties, like you
Speaker 1: you got time. But the break is healthy, just be
Speaker 1: honest with each other. Absolutely, And that's funny because that
Speaker 1: leads us to the next question. Pleads just to a wife.
Speaker 1: I am a wife and a mother of six, and
Speaker 1: sometimes oh whoa six? That's just that number. Just I
Speaker 1: was like, what happened? And I saw six? And sometimes
Speaker 1: I feel like my husband wants to pay more attention
Speaker 1: to our kids than me. We barely ever get our
Speaker 1: one on one time. And his response is, we have
Speaker 1: all the time to do what we want when they
Speaker 1: get out the house. So my question to you is
Speaker 1: and my overreacting for nothing, Yeah, I long, I have
Speaker 1: no time. I got six kids. There is no time
Speaker 1: with six kids. Oh my goodness. Um, I understand where
Speaker 1: she's coming from. Ill that I do too. However, I
Speaker 1: think it's a bit extreme by him saying when the
Speaker 1: kids get out the house. I think what a lot
Speaker 1: of people fall victim to exactly, and I know I
Speaker 1: fall victim to or two sometimes thinking that you always
Speaker 1: have time and then God forbid, something tragic happens, or
Speaker 1: you know, something happen is where you realize, dam, I
Speaker 1: don't have the time that I thought I had. And
Speaker 1: the relationship and the children started with you too, So
Speaker 1: you have to be able to make time to pour
Speaker 1: into that that is so extremely necessary. You're not overreacting this.
Speaker 1: You guys need to find a sitter. I don't know.
Speaker 1: I have to give you up six kids you'll take too.
Speaker 1: I was thinking the same thing as I was, like
Speaker 1: giving them up. You know, see if Grandma take two
Speaker 1: on fuel take to giving them up, do what you
Speaker 1: gotta do, or see somebody comes to the house to
Speaker 1: watch them. But you guys need your time together, and
Speaker 1: you cannot wait until the kids are at the house.
Speaker 1: That's way too far and that's way too much time
Speaker 1: for you to to disconnect and completely drift apart. So
Speaker 1: I would not be an advocate for waiting that long.
Speaker 1: Allow me to provide some perspective. You have six kids,
Speaker 1: one or maybe two of them kids bound to be
Speaker 1: fucked up, which means that means they're not gonna be
Speaker 1: out of the house of one of them going to
Speaker 1: be living into like dirties. So he tim telling you
Speaker 1: that they'll have plenty of time when the kids are gone.
Speaker 1: That ain't going to happen, y'all. I've seen it with
Speaker 1: parents with two kids. One of them kids sucked up
Speaker 1: and they're got be living there, You got to be up.
Speaker 1: Maybe they just maybe they just like being at home
Speaker 1: and they just have a little bit of a delay.
Speaker 1: Did you listen America's family pre pre scandal was the
Speaker 1: Cosbie's right doctor lawyer. All kids went to college, right,
Speaker 1: They never got rid of them, damn kids. They were
Speaker 1: still living in the house with their own families. That
Speaker 1: is the reality. My parents, Well we're still in my
Speaker 1: parents house. Sometimes if that's the case, they leave the
Speaker 1: kids there and y'all go away. So I told the already,
Speaker 1: I said, listen, I can't have anything nice in our
Speaker 1: house now because the kids just everything up like furniture.
Speaker 1: You don't get anything expensive, nothing cute, because it needs
Speaker 1: to just be functional and durable. But I told a
Speaker 1: vow that I would like for us. I aspire to
Speaker 1: have an all white penthouse rooftop situation somewhere in some city,
Speaker 1: maybe Miami or something. But I want to have one
Speaker 1: of those where the kids never I'm accustomed to a
Speaker 1: certain way of life. I want to have one of
Speaker 1: those where the kids won't even know we have it.
Speaker 1: But that's gonna be our own little like space. That's
Speaker 1: gonna be all white and I can have everything nice
Speaker 1: and and white and fancy and yeah, and kids never
Speaker 1: go there. So yeah, okay, baby, whatever you want, you
Speaker 1: get your husband and then get your husband to your wife. Man,
Speaker 1: y'all get together. But use contraceptive though, because if you're
Speaker 1: you're going seven eight, bro, it's a rat for you.
Speaker 1: So you really have you really gonna be in the house.
Speaker 1: She's seen fertile, she's seen fertile, and you've seen potland.
Speaker 1: So y'all loved each other enough during that time to
Speaker 1: have six kids find each other to get that love back. People,
Speaker 1: that tax me to be honest, and that's that's you
Speaker 1: know what, that's my big takeaway moment of true If
Speaker 1: you're honest and you live in your truth, there is
Speaker 1: no wrong in how you live your life because you
Speaker 1: give the people around you the opportunity to make choices.
Speaker 1: You see what I'm saying. If I decide at some
Speaker 1: point that hey, I don't want to live like this
Speaker 1: no more, and I'm honest with you and I say
Speaker 1: this is what I want to do, you then have
Speaker 1: a choice. If I'm going to deceive you, then that's wrong.
Speaker 1: So I have a choice to like shackle you to
Speaker 1: my bed and never let you go. Well, then you're
Speaker 1: taking away my choices. Damn it, you have no choices here, devow. Okay,
Speaker 1: it sounds good, but that's why I get what you're thinking.
Speaker 1: I get what you're saying. Absolutely, No, that's a great
Speaker 1: moment of truth. And I think I mean that rings
Speaker 1: true in any relationship, any relationship that's with your parents,
Speaker 1: with your child, your coworker, UM, being really honest. Yeah,
Speaker 1: you're right. You can't fall people for the way they
Speaker 1: feel it's time to be open, Like it's time to
Speaker 1: be open about relationships. We we want to be open
Speaker 1: about everything else in the world. We want to be
Speaker 1: open about about gender, we want to be open about religion,
Speaker 1: will be open about politics. But then when it comes
Speaker 1: to relationships, people get very very defensive, you know, like
Speaker 1: this way or the highway to be open, be open
Speaker 1: and be honest. But that's the most important thing, to
Speaker 1: be honest. Yep, absolutely, I guess my moment of truth, um,
Speaker 1: in this whole thing, I can it boils down to me.
Speaker 1: You like my moment of truth is that I Well,
Speaker 1: now if I haven't before, UM, work to see you more.
Speaker 1: And I think that's some super super necessary um in
Speaker 1: a relationship, especially intimate relationship, so much more. I feel
Speaker 1: like can be smoother with life, um, with the daily
Speaker 1: day ins and day outs, if sometimes you just take
Speaker 1: moments to have that level of intimacy, whether it's just
Speaker 1: like looking at each other in the eyes, or embracing
Speaker 1: for a while, or just being completely tuned and like
Speaker 1: phones off, you know, no distraction, Like I would love
Speaker 1: more of that for us. And I think that that
Speaker 1: little exercise awakened something in me to the point where
Speaker 1: I was like texting this dude over the weekend because
Speaker 1: he had to leave to head back to film, and
Speaker 1: I was like, yeah, I miss you so much, like
Speaker 1: I can't wait to see you again. It's almost like
Speaker 1: I fell in love with you again in that moment,
Speaker 1: if that makes sense. You did. And then you came
Speaker 1: home and fell asleep while we were watching TV. When
Speaker 1: last night, but not not to the night before, I
Speaker 1: was bad. I was just like, but tonight, I got
Speaker 1: you tonight. But I was just so happy to see you. Though.
Speaker 1: When I saw you, it was just like I was
Speaker 1: happy to see my baby. I was happy to have
Speaker 1: you back. So my moment of truth is that I
Speaker 1: am going to be more present, and I encourage everybody present.
Speaker 1: Um and yeah, and hold me accountable because you know
Speaker 1: I'll be saying sometimes and it ship don't be happening
Speaker 1: last night. Woke up this morning over you. I'm sorry,
Speaker 1: I was jet lagged. I promise, I'm good now. But
Speaker 1: listen things. I appreciate it though. You say, be more
Speaker 1: present and be honest. If we do that, then we
Speaker 1: can make this ship work. I think we could be
Speaker 1: more present and be honest moment. That's what we came
Speaker 1: away with it. Man, if you want to be if
Speaker 1: you want to be your person's weekend, you want to
Speaker 1: be their escape, be present and be honest, all right,
Speaker 1: and make sure that you follow us on social media.
Speaker 1: That's I am devout and I am and And if
Speaker 1: you're listening on Apple podcasts, be short to rate and
Speaker 1: review because we love to hear feedback what you like
Speaker 1: and what we can improve on. And don't forget to
Speaker 1: hit that subscribe button. That way we can do a
Speaker 1: new episode and automatically downloads to your phone. Dead Ass
Speaker 1: Dead as dead Ass is a production of Stricture. It's
Speaker 1: produced by T Square and Dinora Penya. Our associate producers
Speaker 1: are Kristen Torres and Trouble. Our studio engineers are Brendon
Speaker 1: Burns and Andy Christi Daughter. All right now, folks, if
Speaker 1: you missed our first live show at Essence Fst, have
Speaker 1: no fear. We've got two more coming up. You knew
Speaker 1: we were going to do more. We'll be in Philly
Speaker 1: at Underground Arts on Thursday, November twenty one, and in Brooklyn,
Speaker 1: New York at the Bellhouse on Friday November. That's right,
Speaker 1: Philly and Brooklyn stand up. So get your tickets now
Speaker 1: at dead as podcast dot com. Do not wait before
Speaker 1: these tickets sell out. Brooklyn, We're back. I'm Drew McCarry
Speaker 1: and I'm David Roth. We have a podcast going on
Speaker 1: right now. It's part of the stitchen netwere called Abstraction
Speaker 1: that's available everywhere. Get a podcast at Stitcher, Spotify, Apple
Speaker 1: Go listen right now to the Distraction right now, it's out.
Speaker 1: Do it please,