1 00:00:00,520 --> 00:00:03,080 Speaker 1: We're back. I'm Drew McCarry and I'm David Roth and 2 00:00:03,440 --> 00:00:07,040 Speaker 1: coming in September a new site we have built together 3 00:00:07,120 --> 00:00:10,039 Speaker 1: called defect or Defector, and we're gonna have a new 4 00:00:10,080 --> 00:00:12,920 Speaker 1: podcast to go with it, this very podcast, which has 5 00:00:12,960 --> 00:00:16,000 Speaker 1: the name The Distraction. It's out right now at available 6 00:00:16,000 --> 00:00:20,480 Speaker 1: every Rusk podcast at Stitcher, Spotify, Apple, Go listen right 7 00:00:20,480 --> 00:00:22,720 Speaker 1: now to The Distraction everywhere. It's out right now. Go 8 00:00:22,880 --> 00:00:32,280 Speaker 1: listen to see you by. It's an incredibly lonely feeling 9 00:00:32,479 --> 00:00:36,080 Speaker 1: to see your significant other day in and day out, 10 00:00:36,680 --> 00:00:41,199 Speaker 1: but not really see them. I can honestly say I 11 00:00:41,400 --> 00:00:44,400 Speaker 1: see how people get to a point where they feel 12 00:00:44,400 --> 00:00:47,320 Speaker 1: like they need a sigh piece. What don't look at 13 00:00:47,360 --> 00:00:51,159 Speaker 1: me like that. I didn't say that I agree with it, 14 00:00:51,240 --> 00:00:58,240 Speaker 1: but I said I understand dead ass. Hey, I'm Cadine 15 00:00:58,360 --> 00:01:02,200 Speaker 1: and we're the Ellis's. You may know us from posting 16 00:01:02,240 --> 00:01:05,640 Speaker 1: funny videos with our boys and reading each other publicly 17 00:01:06,000 --> 00:01:08,320 Speaker 1: as a form of therapy. Wait, I make you need 18 00:01:08,360 --> 00:01:12,480 Speaker 1: therapy most days. And one more important thing to mention, 19 00:01:12,720 --> 00:01:16,320 Speaker 1: we're married, Yes, sir, we are. We created this podcast 20 00:01:16,360 --> 00:01:19,240 Speaker 1: to open dialogue about some of life's most taboo topics, 21 00:01:19,440 --> 00:01:22,240 Speaker 1: things most folks don't want to talk about through the 22 00:01:22,319 --> 00:01:24,480 Speaker 1: lens of a millennial, married couple. Dead ass is a 23 00:01:24,600 --> 00:01:26,920 Speaker 1: term that we say every day. When we say dead ass, 24 00:01:26,959 --> 00:01:30,720 Speaker 1: we're actually saying facts. One hunted the truth, the whole truth, 25 00:01:30,760 --> 00:01:33,000 Speaker 1: and nothing but the truth. And we're about to take 26 00:01:33,040 --> 00:01:36,720 Speaker 1: philow Talk to a whole new level. Dead ask starts now. 27 00:01:39,040 --> 00:01:47,200 Speaker 1: Two thousand and eleven, we just had Jackson, and I 28 00:01:47,240 --> 00:01:49,320 Speaker 1: had made a conscious decision as a man that I 29 00:01:49,400 --> 00:01:52,160 Speaker 1: was going to turn in my car, start taking the train, 30 00:01:52,280 --> 00:01:56,200 Speaker 1: and focus on building the business. Codeine was working full 31 00:01:56,240 --> 00:02:00,320 Speaker 1: time at MAC and I felt like I would doing 32 00:02:00,360 --> 00:02:03,640 Speaker 1: all the right things in my life as a husband 33 00:02:03,760 --> 00:02:07,760 Speaker 1: because this was going into a year of us being married. 34 00:02:08,440 --> 00:02:13,440 Speaker 1: And for the next three years, Cadine and I spent 35 00:02:13,560 --> 00:02:16,520 Speaker 1: all of our time focusing on our business. She was 36 00:02:16,560 --> 00:02:19,440 Speaker 1: building her business, We had a son, Jackson. I was 37 00:02:19,480 --> 00:02:22,720 Speaker 1: building my business. And by two thousand and fourteen, I 38 00:02:22,800 --> 00:02:25,880 Speaker 1: turned thirty, and at that point I had realized that 39 00:02:25,919 --> 00:02:29,480 Speaker 1: it had been three years that I hadn't taken Cadine 40 00:02:29,520 --> 00:02:33,160 Speaker 1: on a vacation. We hadn't left the country, we hadn't 41 00:02:33,200 --> 00:02:37,079 Speaker 1: gone to another state. We just hadn't done anything for 42 00:02:37,120 --> 00:02:40,880 Speaker 1: ourselves to kind of pour into our relationships. And I 43 00:02:40,919 --> 00:02:43,480 Speaker 1: had to take a step back and say, wow, how 44 00:02:43,520 --> 00:02:45,600 Speaker 1: did how did I get to this point where I 45 00:02:45,639 --> 00:02:49,919 Speaker 1: focused on everything in the relationship except the person who 46 00:02:49,919 --> 00:02:52,960 Speaker 1: the relationship was supposed to be about. And at that 47 00:02:53,000 --> 00:02:55,920 Speaker 1: point I had I realized like I was present, but 48 00:02:56,120 --> 00:03:00,320 Speaker 1: I really wasn't present. That's when you say why, I'm 49 00:03:00,320 --> 00:03:06,240 Speaker 1: surprised she didn't do X y Z me. Can you 50 00:03:06,480 --> 00:03:11,840 Speaker 1: focus on me? I'm focused, baby on focus on, focus, baby? 51 00:03:11,880 --> 00:03:20,119 Speaker 1: Can you focus on me? Listen karaoke? Because y'all sense 52 00:03:20,200 --> 00:03:23,360 Speaker 1: the pain in my voice? Y'all sense it, sense pain? 53 00:03:23,680 --> 00:03:25,720 Speaker 1: You sense pain? Right? It was definitely pain in it. 54 00:03:25,720 --> 00:03:29,520 Speaker 1: It was painful. Yeah, yeah, very painful, very painful. But 55 00:03:29,560 --> 00:03:31,640 Speaker 1: I got the point. I gotta figure out whose idea 56 00:03:31,720 --> 00:03:34,040 Speaker 1: this was for karaoke because I swear I can't hold it. No, 57 00:03:34,200 --> 00:03:35,520 Speaker 1: if you hand it to me in the palm of 58 00:03:35,560 --> 00:03:43,320 Speaker 1: my hands, it's sing into the list. But y'all get 59 00:03:43,360 --> 00:03:46,640 Speaker 1: the point. We're back, Yes, welcome back. Thank you all 60 00:03:46,640 --> 00:03:49,280 Speaker 1: for joining us again for season two. And here we 61 00:03:49,320 --> 00:03:52,080 Speaker 1: are fast forwarding because we've been so busy this past 62 00:03:52,120 --> 00:03:56,040 Speaker 1: summer with moving. Our whole relocation develops been away filming 63 00:03:56,080 --> 00:03:58,080 Speaker 1: in Atlanta. I've been with the kids in New York. 64 00:03:58,080 --> 00:04:01,560 Speaker 1: It's just been insanity. So there were times when you 65 00:04:01,680 --> 00:04:06,160 Speaker 1: came home for a weekend and I was just completely 66 00:04:06,240 --> 00:04:08,440 Speaker 1: not in tune with you, and I was like, I 67 00:04:08,480 --> 00:04:10,080 Speaker 1: don't want to hear about anything you need right now. 68 00:04:10,120 --> 00:04:11,720 Speaker 1: What I need is for you to help me pack 69 00:04:11,760 --> 00:04:13,720 Speaker 1: some boxes. I need you to help me do this 70 00:04:13,800 --> 00:04:16,040 Speaker 1: with the kids, to do that with the kids. And 71 00:04:16,200 --> 00:04:17,880 Speaker 1: we had a kind of a rough spot this summer 72 00:04:18,000 --> 00:04:21,920 Speaker 1: since you and I this summer was extremely rough, and 73 00:04:22,240 --> 00:04:24,159 Speaker 1: if you follow us, you could tell because we didn't 74 00:04:24,160 --> 00:04:28,480 Speaker 1: even post as much content, not only because we were busy, 75 00:04:28,480 --> 00:04:31,039 Speaker 1: but also because we weren't feeling each other. I was 76 00:04:31,080 --> 00:04:35,920 Speaker 1: not feeling condemed. We're talking about focus or lack thereof 77 00:04:36,600 --> 00:04:39,080 Speaker 1: of focus. I mean her, she's talking about I don't 78 00:04:39,080 --> 00:04:41,280 Speaker 1: want to give up. I just want you to get up, 79 00:04:41,640 --> 00:04:44,400 Speaker 1: get off your phone. I'm a little fed up. I 80 00:04:44,440 --> 00:04:47,880 Speaker 1: just wish you were focus. And there's so many times 81 00:04:47,880 --> 00:04:50,160 Speaker 1: in our relationship, Devol and I have said and we 82 00:04:50,160 --> 00:04:54,400 Speaker 1: were able to admit that we have not been focusing 83 00:04:54,800 --> 00:04:59,159 Speaker 1: with the intent to really dive into each other. Um. 84 00:04:59,200 --> 00:05:03,359 Speaker 1: And we had an experience very recently that triggered this 85 00:05:03,640 --> 00:05:07,000 Speaker 1: entire episode. Actually, yeah, it was. It was great. It 86 00:05:07,080 --> 00:05:10,120 Speaker 1: was actually a really really great episode, a great experience 87 00:05:10,200 --> 00:05:14,040 Speaker 1: that we had NFLP A couples retreat, and um, there 88 00:05:14,120 --> 00:05:16,680 Speaker 1: was a young lady I can't remember her name, is 89 00:05:16,720 --> 00:05:18,960 Speaker 1: gonna try and pull it up. She's an acting coach 90 00:05:19,000 --> 00:05:21,280 Speaker 1: and an act and an actor, and she put us 91 00:05:21,279 --> 00:05:24,440 Speaker 1: through this process that they said that actors who played 92 00:05:24,520 --> 00:05:27,400 Speaker 1: married couples on television, they go through this process to 93 00:05:27,400 --> 00:05:30,240 Speaker 1: build a connection. So she decided that she wanted to 94 00:05:30,240 --> 00:05:34,919 Speaker 1: take that same exercise and apply it to marriages so 95 00:05:33,880 --> 00:05:38,039 Speaker 1: that so that people can actually see their partner that 96 00:05:38,080 --> 00:05:40,960 Speaker 1: they're living with. So in the exercise, we had to 97 00:05:40,960 --> 00:05:44,240 Speaker 1: face each other, you know, knees close together, hold each 98 00:05:44,240 --> 00:05:46,200 Speaker 1: other's hands. We had to just look at each other's 99 00:05:46,200 --> 00:05:49,039 Speaker 1: eyes and not say anything for like the first nineties seconds, 100 00:05:49,680 --> 00:05:54,880 Speaker 1: and then within the first twenty seconds, Codeine started crying. Guys, 101 00:05:55,400 --> 00:05:59,960 Speaker 1: let me tell you, she pretty much was like, look 102 00:06:00,040 --> 00:06:04,560 Speaker 1: at your partner, face them, make eye contact and just 103 00:06:05,200 --> 00:06:10,839 Speaker 1: look at them, see them. And in that moment it 104 00:06:11,080 --> 00:06:13,200 Speaker 1: hit me like a ton of breaks. I have not 105 00:06:14,160 --> 00:06:17,920 Speaker 1: looked at my husband in his eyes and really saw 106 00:06:18,040 --> 00:06:22,200 Speaker 1: him and so long. At first I was like, damn, 107 00:06:22,240 --> 00:06:27,839 Speaker 1: I make you cry, Damn, what am I doing? No, 108 00:06:28,200 --> 00:06:30,080 Speaker 1: it was a good cry. It was a good cry, 109 00:06:30,120 --> 00:06:31,919 Speaker 1: and it was also kind of an alarming cry for 110 00:06:31,960 --> 00:06:34,680 Speaker 1: me because it was like shit, like you have not 111 00:06:34,760 --> 00:06:38,400 Speaker 1: looked at your husband in his eyes and just taking 112 00:06:38,440 --> 00:06:40,640 Speaker 1: a moment, and aside from just looking at you, it 113 00:06:40,760 --> 00:06:44,640 Speaker 1: was just the idea of us not being distracted by 114 00:06:44,760 --> 00:06:48,120 Speaker 1: anything else. There was no other outside noise, there were 115 00:06:48,120 --> 00:06:51,880 Speaker 1: no children, there was no phone, there was no social media, 116 00:06:51,920 --> 00:06:54,160 Speaker 1: there was nothing. It was really being present with him, 117 00:06:54,160 --> 00:06:56,920 Speaker 1: and though there were other couples in the room with us, 118 00:06:57,560 --> 00:06:59,480 Speaker 1: there was nobody. It felt like there was no one there. 119 00:07:00,040 --> 00:07:03,080 Speaker 1: That's important. People don't understand when you first start dating 120 00:07:03,120 --> 00:07:06,560 Speaker 1: someone and you're in college and you're on scholarship and 121 00:07:06,600 --> 00:07:10,680 Speaker 1: your girlfriend's on scholarship, there are no real world problems 122 00:07:10,720 --> 00:07:15,440 Speaker 1: that can interject themselves into your relationship. So when you 123 00:07:15,480 --> 00:07:19,440 Speaker 1: see that person, there your escape. You know, my my 124 00:07:19,680 --> 00:07:23,640 Speaker 1: issues At that time where football professors, hers were residents 125 00:07:23,680 --> 00:07:26,560 Speaker 1: because she was a resident director. It was school, it 126 00:07:26,640 --> 00:07:29,120 Speaker 1: was internships. So when she got away from all of that, 127 00:07:29,200 --> 00:07:31,320 Speaker 1: she came to me in order for me to get 128 00:07:31,360 --> 00:07:33,400 Speaker 1: away from all of my football and stuff. I went 129 00:07:33,440 --> 00:07:37,720 Speaker 1: to her, So we were each other's escape. And once 130 00:07:37,760 --> 00:07:40,880 Speaker 1: you leave that aspect of life and then you have bills, 131 00:07:41,080 --> 00:07:46,480 Speaker 1: you have start getting everything. That person that was once 132 00:07:46,520 --> 00:07:50,840 Speaker 1: your escape now becomes your obligation. And the funny part 133 00:07:50,880 --> 00:07:52,440 Speaker 1: about it was that was the first time in a 134 00:07:52,440 --> 00:07:55,440 Speaker 1: long time that you and I legitimately sat there and 135 00:07:55,480 --> 00:08:00,520 Speaker 1: where each other's escape from everything. Absolutely absolutely, it was 136 00:08:00,560 --> 00:08:02,320 Speaker 1: really really an amazing weekend. We were there with a 137 00:08:02,360 --> 00:08:04,280 Speaker 1: bunch of other couples and it was a safe space 138 00:08:04,360 --> 00:08:06,360 Speaker 1: for us to really just kind of dive into each 139 00:08:06,400 --> 00:08:10,360 Speaker 1: other and yes, you know, reconnect. And the young woman's 140 00:08:10,440 --> 00:08:14,800 Speaker 1: name was Nirvania like Lasagna. Her name is I am 141 00:08:14,920 --> 00:08:18,480 Speaker 1: Navonia on Instagram. I A am n e v A 142 00:08:18,720 --> 00:08:21,880 Speaker 1: I n A. That was the young lady who put 143 00:08:21,960 --> 00:08:23,760 Speaker 1: us through this process to kind of help us get 144 00:08:23,800 --> 00:08:27,880 Speaker 1: back to connecting. And um, it's funny because there's a 145 00:08:27,920 --> 00:08:30,360 Speaker 1: song out that we were talking about doing karaoke. Kadina 146 00:08:30,360 --> 00:08:34,000 Speaker 1: and I were talking about possibly doing Weekend by Scissor, 147 00:08:34,800 --> 00:08:38,240 Speaker 1: and she was like, um, why would we do Weekend 148 00:08:38,240 --> 00:08:41,280 Speaker 1: by Scissor? That's talking about I was like, that's the 149 00:08:41,320 --> 00:08:43,720 Speaker 1: whole infidelity episode. That's what she said. And I said, 150 00:08:44,000 --> 00:08:46,640 Speaker 1: I said, for real, because it's real, and she's like, 151 00:08:46,679 --> 00:08:48,520 Speaker 1: what do you mean? I said, think about it. Most 152 00:08:48,559 --> 00:08:50,720 Speaker 1: of the times, when you come from where we came from, 153 00:08:50,760 --> 00:08:53,840 Speaker 1: being each other's escape in college, and then you get 154 00:08:53,880 --> 00:08:57,079 Speaker 1: married and you become each other's obligation, you're often now 155 00:08:57,160 --> 00:09:01,400 Speaker 1: looking for the escape, right, So you're looking for that rule, 156 00:09:01,440 --> 00:09:03,720 Speaker 1: which has become so cliche, but you're looking for that escape. 157 00:09:04,040 --> 00:09:07,880 Speaker 1: So after we left this nfl p A event, we 158 00:09:07,920 --> 00:09:10,400 Speaker 1: had a hotel room and we enjoyed each other that 159 00:09:10,520 --> 00:09:15,360 Speaker 1: night in every aspect of enjoying as you can. And 160 00:09:15,400 --> 00:09:18,280 Speaker 1: it's funny because um, the young lady that was our 161 00:09:18,720 --> 00:09:21,520 Speaker 1: contact for the nfl p A, Leslie, was like, y'all 162 00:09:21,520 --> 00:09:23,800 Speaker 1: are gonna want to stay for this session? Because our 163 00:09:23,800 --> 00:09:26,120 Speaker 1: session was before hers. She's like, you're gonna want to 164 00:09:26,120 --> 00:09:28,800 Speaker 1: stay for the session and that baby that people are 165 00:09:28,840 --> 00:09:32,120 Speaker 1: asking y'all for, that little girl just might happen tonight. 166 00:09:32,200 --> 00:09:33,880 Speaker 1: And I was like, you know what, if that's the case, 167 00:09:34,120 --> 00:09:37,600 Speaker 1: it was meant to be, let's just stay and um 168 00:09:38,000 --> 00:09:40,200 Speaker 1: Nirvania like Lasagna, we don't have to name that baby 169 00:09:40,240 --> 00:09:42,960 Speaker 1: after that's the case, And The funny part is was 170 00:09:43,360 --> 00:09:46,720 Speaker 1: the next morning you had to get up and I 171 00:09:46,720 --> 00:09:49,760 Speaker 1: had to leave and fly back home to be with 172 00:09:49,760 --> 00:09:51,760 Speaker 1: the boys who had to film the next day. And 173 00:09:51,840 --> 00:09:53,680 Speaker 1: you woke up and you said thing, I felt like, 174 00:09:54,120 --> 00:09:56,199 Speaker 1: I felt like, you know, I was your side piece 175 00:09:56,240 --> 00:09:58,960 Speaker 1: because you know, we we slept together last night. I 176 00:09:59,000 --> 00:10:00,760 Speaker 1: woke up in the morning and to leave before you 177 00:10:00,800 --> 00:10:03,480 Speaker 1: woke up. I was like, let me pack my bags. 178 00:10:03,520 --> 00:10:05,840 Speaker 1: I showered and stuff. I was leaving the hotel, like, 179 00:10:05,840 --> 00:10:08,400 Speaker 1: oh my goodness, this feels like I feel like I'm 180 00:10:08,480 --> 00:10:11,600 Speaker 1: leaving my little joint in the hotel and felt great. 181 00:10:11,720 --> 00:10:14,960 Speaker 1: It allowed us like we missed each other, but we 182 00:10:14,960 --> 00:10:19,120 Speaker 1: we escaped from everything that was bothering us and allowed 183 00:10:19,240 --> 00:10:21,959 Speaker 1: each other to be each other's side pieces. And the 184 00:10:22,000 --> 00:10:24,200 Speaker 1: funny thing about it is I could I could definitely 185 00:10:24,280 --> 00:10:29,800 Speaker 1: understand how people look for that little bit of heaven 186 00:10:29,880 --> 00:10:35,480 Speaker 1: outside of their relationships or because as we got into life, 187 00:10:36,000 --> 00:10:38,520 Speaker 1: we really did forget about each other. There were days 188 00:10:38,520 --> 00:10:40,000 Speaker 1: and that goes back to the story that I told 189 00:10:40,000 --> 00:10:44,200 Speaker 1: in storytime. Um, I really did forget about you because 190 00:10:44,240 --> 00:10:46,760 Speaker 1: I was so focused on my job of being a husband. 191 00:10:47,000 --> 00:10:49,120 Speaker 1: So then my job of being a husband became so 192 00:10:49,240 --> 00:10:52,160 Speaker 1: much more important than actually being connected to the person 193 00:10:52,280 --> 00:10:54,400 Speaker 1: I'm supposed to be married to. And that leads me 194 00:10:54,440 --> 00:11:00,199 Speaker 1: to a couple of questions that I came up with exercise. Yes, 195 00:11:00,320 --> 00:11:02,080 Speaker 1: came up with a couple of questions. I know your 196 00:11:02,080 --> 00:11:04,480 Speaker 1: mind was working after that whole exercise, you were like, 197 00:11:04,559 --> 00:11:06,480 Speaker 1: it wants to be a good podcasts. And I'm going 198 00:11:06,520 --> 00:11:08,800 Speaker 1: to tell you why I was working because as a 199 00:11:08,800 --> 00:11:14,439 Speaker 1: millennial married couple, historically men don't share their feelings. So 200 00:11:14,520 --> 00:11:17,160 Speaker 1: it's always about, oh, the men work too much, they 201 00:11:17,200 --> 00:11:20,200 Speaker 1: don't pay attention to their wives, They're not focused on 202 00:11:20,240 --> 00:11:24,040 Speaker 1: their wives, and as if vice versa doesn't happen, and 203 00:11:24,080 --> 00:11:27,600 Speaker 1: also as if it's supposed to just be acceptable when 204 00:11:27,640 --> 00:11:30,720 Speaker 1: it happens to a husband. And you and I have 205 00:11:30,720 --> 00:11:32,840 Speaker 1: had many conversations where I felt like I don't have 206 00:11:32,960 --> 00:11:35,640 Speaker 1: my wife, and I wanted to ask these questions and 207 00:11:35,720 --> 00:11:37,360 Speaker 1: we can both you know, we can both answer these questions. 208 00:11:37,400 --> 00:11:46,160 Speaker 1: So the first question is have I always been your escape? Always? No, okay, 209 00:11:46,640 --> 00:11:49,240 Speaker 1: but you have been at certain points elaborate So, I 210 00:11:49,240 --> 00:11:53,640 Speaker 1: mean we've been together for October will be seventeen years um. 211 00:11:53,720 --> 00:11:56,640 Speaker 1: And yes, a lot of times I look to you 212 00:11:56,720 --> 00:11:59,640 Speaker 1: for like refuge. Um, you know, if there's a ton 213 00:11:59,679 --> 00:12:01,280 Speaker 1: of things going on at one time, I need to 214 00:12:01,280 --> 00:12:03,160 Speaker 1: be able to prevent to you about certain things. Are 215 00:12:03,200 --> 00:12:05,199 Speaker 1: you being my sounding board for things? If I meant 216 00:12:05,280 --> 00:12:07,400 Speaker 1: the crossroads with a decision that has to be made 217 00:12:07,480 --> 00:12:10,080 Speaker 1: or just life. A lot of times that happens. But 218 00:12:10,160 --> 00:12:14,080 Speaker 1: I do feel like sometimes I unfairly unload a lot 219 00:12:14,160 --> 00:12:19,400 Speaker 1: onto you and don't reciprocate, and that when you do 220 00:12:19,480 --> 00:12:21,840 Speaker 1: some unloading, I am not as active and trying to 221 00:12:22,040 --> 00:12:24,520 Speaker 1: find a way to help you deal with that, and 222 00:12:24,600 --> 00:12:26,560 Speaker 1: it maybe I would have to agree on that, And 223 00:12:26,559 --> 00:12:29,319 Speaker 1: it may be because sometimes I'm just so self absorbed 224 00:12:29,480 --> 00:12:32,840 Speaker 1: and selfish in that moment, which I can now admit that. 225 00:12:32,920 --> 00:12:39,120 Speaker 1: But having had arguments with you and conversations upon conversations, Um, 226 00:12:39,200 --> 00:12:41,800 Speaker 1: but I've come to realize that sometimes like that. But 227 00:12:41,880 --> 00:12:44,960 Speaker 1: that's more me telling why you weren't. I want to 228 00:12:45,000 --> 00:12:47,120 Speaker 1: know when? At what point? Because I can lead me 229 00:12:47,160 --> 00:12:49,360 Speaker 1: to my second question, at what point did I stop 230 00:12:49,400 --> 00:12:51,920 Speaker 1: being your escaped? Like at what point in our relationship 231 00:12:52,360 --> 00:12:56,000 Speaker 1: did it go from? Okay, I can leave Devout from class. 232 00:12:56,040 --> 00:12:58,360 Speaker 1: I can leave class and go run to Devout and 233 00:12:58,440 --> 00:13:04,120 Speaker 1: just be in heaven. So it's like, at what point 234 00:13:04,120 --> 00:13:06,120 Speaker 1: did that happen in our relationships? Okay, so I think 235 00:13:06,160 --> 00:13:08,560 Speaker 1: you know what, I'll be honest, it probably happened after 236 00:13:09,720 --> 00:13:12,880 Speaker 1: our first child, because I feel like at that point, 237 00:13:12,960 --> 00:13:16,200 Speaker 1: now I had to divide my time with you, and 238 00:13:16,240 --> 00:13:20,480 Speaker 1: I was becoming mom and wife and you were so 239 00:13:20,559 --> 00:13:23,200 Speaker 1: focused on being husband and provider. Like you said in 240 00:13:23,200 --> 00:13:26,640 Speaker 1: your story that things became very methodical with you, and 241 00:13:26,679 --> 00:13:28,720 Speaker 1: it was just like, yeah, well that would be nice, 242 00:13:28,760 --> 00:13:30,200 Speaker 1: but I have to go to the gym, and I 243 00:13:30,240 --> 00:13:31,360 Speaker 1: have to do this, and I have to do that. 244 00:13:31,400 --> 00:13:33,480 Speaker 1: So I was caught between a cross sort of feelings. 245 00:13:33,679 --> 00:13:36,880 Speaker 1: Super Like, I respected your hustle in your grind, so 246 00:13:36,920 --> 00:13:39,439 Speaker 1: I felt like I couldn't complain because I was like, here, 247 00:13:39,480 --> 00:13:41,360 Speaker 1: I am able to stay home with our son, you know, 248 00:13:41,760 --> 00:13:43,920 Speaker 1: leave my job after Jackson was a year and a half. 249 00:13:44,400 --> 00:13:47,120 Speaker 1: Um developed afforded me the opportunity to say, hey, I 250 00:13:47,200 --> 00:13:51,040 Speaker 1: don't enjoy this workspace anymore. UM, I want to be 251 00:13:51,080 --> 00:13:53,559 Speaker 1: home with my son. And you made it pretty much 252 00:13:53,559 --> 00:13:56,720 Speaker 1: single handedly possible for me to be able to leave 253 00:13:56,800 --> 00:13:59,160 Speaker 1: that environment and then be at home with our son 254 00:13:59,240 --> 00:14:03,719 Speaker 1: and be a sole caretaker of you. Guys, And then 255 00:14:03,760 --> 00:14:07,360 Speaker 1: in turn, you were working so much that at that 256 00:14:07,400 --> 00:14:09,760 Speaker 1: point I felt like I couldn't even get the devout 257 00:14:09,800 --> 00:14:12,199 Speaker 1: that I remembered in college or devop You said, I 258 00:14:12,240 --> 00:14:14,040 Speaker 1: just have fun, So sorry, so allow me to kind 259 00:14:14,040 --> 00:14:18,160 Speaker 1: of receive this, so you appreciate it what I offered, 260 00:14:18,760 --> 00:14:23,040 Speaker 1: But it was my prioritizing and not my ability not 261 00:14:23,120 --> 00:14:29,240 Speaker 1: to balance me being a provider and being there emotionally, absolutely, 262 00:14:29,440 --> 00:14:30,880 Speaker 1: and I felt like I was gonna be a brat, 263 00:14:30,960 --> 00:14:35,440 Speaker 1: Like how could I, you know, living the lifestyle I 264 00:14:35,480 --> 00:14:37,040 Speaker 1: was living at the time, not like there was anything 265 00:14:37,120 --> 00:14:39,760 Speaker 1: super elaborate, but I had everything I needed and most 266 00:14:39,800 --> 00:14:42,000 Speaker 1: of the things I wanted and you were providing that, 267 00:14:42,040 --> 00:14:43,280 Speaker 1: So how can it then in turn be like, well, 268 00:14:43,280 --> 00:14:44,680 Speaker 1: do you don't spend no time with me? I want 269 00:14:44,680 --> 00:14:46,960 Speaker 1: you to stay home with me, and you know, let's 270 00:14:46,960 --> 00:14:48,720 Speaker 1: just sit here and do nothing together and enjoy each 271 00:14:48,720 --> 00:14:50,640 Speaker 1: other and just be a lot of times, that's how 272 00:14:50,720 --> 00:14:52,960 Speaker 1: it couldn't be, you know, And this is this leads 273 00:14:53,000 --> 00:14:56,200 Speaker 1: us to a bigger conversation, because that's just to answer 274 00:14:56,200 --> 00:14:58,240 Speaker 1: that that that question, you know, go back and forth. 275 00:14:58,280 --> 00:15:01,160 Speaker 1: But that's how I felt as a man trying to 276 00:15:01,200 --> 00:15:04,000 Speaker 1: be a provider, you know, like you here all the time. 277 00:15:04,040 --> 00:15:05,840 Speaker 1: It's like, yo, be a man. Your wife is having 278 00:15:05,840 --> 00:15:07,600 Speaker 1: a baby. Being man, man, go up there, do the 279 00:15:07,680 --> 00:15:09,520 Speaker 1: right thing. And when you're trying to do the right 280 00:15:09,560 --> 00:15:12,120 Speaker 1: thing and you're spending time building a business or that, 281 00:15:12,200 --> 00:15:16,640 Speaker 1: your wife can be a mom and have the autonomy 282 00:15:16,640 --> 00:15:18,160 Speaker 1: over her life to make a choice of whether she 283 00:15:18,200 --> 00:15:20,640 Speaker 1: wants to work or not. And then you hear, well, 284 00:15:20,680 --> 00:15:22,600 Speaker 1: you don't spend no time with me. It's like, yo, 285 00:15:22,640 --> 00:15:24,320 Speaker 1: so what am I do you want me? You want 286 00:15:24,360 --> 00:15:26,360 Speaker 1: me to I can be home and spend time with you, 287 00:15:26,400 --> 00:15:29,160 Speaker 1: but now you may have to go to work now, 288 00:15:29,240 --> 00:15:31,400 Speaker 1: you know what I'm saying. So for me as a man, 289 00:15:31,480 --> 00:15:34,040 Speaker 1: it felt like, damn, I'm damned if I do. I'm 290 00:15:34,080 --> 00:15:36,240 Speaker 1: damned if I don't. Absolutely, and you know, and that 291 00:15:36,320 --> 00:15:38,960 Speaker 1: kind of that kind of put us at odds a lot. 292 00:15:39,320 --> 00:15:41,040 Speaker 1: And we were going through that, you know, that time 293 00:15:41,080 --> 00:15:42,880 Speaker 1: in our space. And that leads me to the next question. 294 00:15:42,960 --> 00:15:44,400 Speaker 1: I mean, let me hear you. We can we can 295 00:15:44,440 --> 00:15:46,720 Speaker 1: go back and forth on this, you know, like you 296 00:15:46,760 --> 00:15:50,120 Speaker 1: interrogate me over here, because I got questions I got 297 00:15:51,040 --> 00:15:55,400 Speaker 1: do you do know? I mean, have I always I 298 00:15:55,480 --> 00:15:58,840 Speaker 1: know I haven't always escaped. Ask that question with a 299 00:15:58,920 --> 00:16:02,040 Speaker 1: straight face. I know I haven't always been your escape. 300 00:16:02,320 --> 00:16:06,720 Speaker 1: At what point did it stop for you? This is 301 00:16:06,720 --> 00:16:10,840 Speaker 1: gonna sound funny, right, because when you you stopped being 302 00:16:10,880 --> 00:16:15,480 Speaker 1: my escape. When I put pressure on myself to be 303 00:16:15,720 --> 00:16:20,560 Speaker 1: a provider. Okay, when we were in college, right, I 304 00:16:20,640 --> 00:16:24,240 Speaker 1: felt no obligations. You are scholarship. I was on scholarship. You. 305 00:16:24,240 --> 00:16:26,520 Speaker 1: You know, there was nothing that needed to get done 306 00:16:26,520 --> 00:16:29,600 Speaker 1: because our lives were taken care of once I started 307 00:16:29,600 --> 00:16:32,960 Speaker 1: playing football, and I felt the need to have to 308 00:16:32,960 --> 00:16:36,440 Speaker 1: take care of you because you had to live with me, 309 00:16:36,880 --> 00:16:39,480 Speaker 1: We had to pay bills. At that point, you were 310 00:16:39,520 --> 00:16:44,160 Speaker 1: no longer just an escape, because then you became sponsibility, responsibility. 311 00:16:44,240 --> 00:16:46,440 Speaker 1: Like it was like, yo, I asked you to move 312 00:16:46,520 --> 00:16:49,240 Speaker 1: to Detroit with me because you were still in school. 313 00:16:49,760 --> 00:16:52,320 Speaker 1: This is what I have to do. And that was 314 00:16:52,360 --> 00:16:54,880 Speaker 1: of no fold of your own. But I was conditioned 315 00:16:54,920 --> 00:16:57,880 Speaker 1: to feel like this is on me, and at that 316 00:16:57,920 --> 00:17:02,680 Speaker 1: point it wasn't. It wasn't as much one anymore. No 317 00:17:02,760 --> 00:17:05,120 Speaker 1: I'm not I'm not gonna sit here and throw it 318 00:17:04,400 --> 00:17:07,400 Speaker 1: on you. No, I'm not going to drop the ball here. 319 00:17:07,440 --> 00:17:09,520 Speaker 1: I'm not gonna throw it all on you. You know, 320 00:17:09,520 --> 00:17:11,080 Speaker 1: I'm saying, there were times where I felt like you 321 00:17:11,119 --> 00:17:13,200 Speaker 1: were being a brandon, times where you made you made 322 00:17:13,200 --> 00:17:17,240 Speaker 1: yourself an obligation to me. Um, But I felt like 323 00:17:17,320 --> 00:17:19,199 Speaker 1: I put that on myself, and I felt like I 324 00:17:19,280 --> 00:17:21,280 Speaker 1: let society tell me as the man, I have to 325 00:17:21,320 --> 00:17:23,920 Speaker 1: do all of these things, and you have to take 326 00:17:23,960 --> 00:17:25,960 Speaker 1: care of for almost like you were a child, almost, 327 00:17:26,280 --> 00:17:27,920 Speaker 1: And at that point you wanted my escape no more 328 00:17:28,280 --> 00:17:30,280 Speaker 1: because you were at home waiting for me to come home. 329 00:17:31,280 --> 00:17:33,000 Speaker 1: And then I got home, and then all you had 330 00:17:33,040 --> 00:17:35,439 Speaker 1: with stuff for me to do. And then I remember 331 00:17:35,440 --> 00:17:37,439 Speaker 1: one time in particular where you were up for the 332 00:17:37,480 --> 00:17:44,640 Speaker 1: reporter search and Kadin, it's very spoiled guys, and she 333 00:17:44,680 --> 00:17:46,720 Speaker 1: had kept winning and she kept going and started with 334 00:17:46,760 --> 00:17:48,480 Speaker 1: four hundred people, and she was into the top of 335 00:17:48,480 --> 00:17:51,679 Speaker 1: a hundred, then the top fifty, then the top twenty, 336 00:17:51,920 --> 00:17:53,080 Speaker 1: and it got to a point where she had to 337 00:17:53,080 --> 00:17:57,240 Speaker 1: go back every day and it was a competition. I no, 338 00:17:57,359 --> 00:18:00,359 Speaker 1: I was going for a W D I V in Detroit. Yes, 339 00:18:00,440 --> 00:18:02,600 Speaker 1: at the time, they were doing a traffic reporter search, 340 00:18:02,680 --> 00:18:04,199 Speaker 1: so they pretty much had a bunch of people come 341 00:18:04,240 --> 00:18:07,000 Speaker 1: to them all and Um, from that, they were picking 342 00:18:07,000 --> 00:18:09,720 Speaker 1: people who they thought had the possibility of gaining, you know, 343 00:18:09,760 --> 00:18:12,159 Speaker 1: getting this job. So I made it from like I 344 00:18:12,240 --> 00:18:15,560 Speaker 1: forget how many people auditioned like four something down to 345 00:18:15,640 --> 00:18:17,320 Speaker 1: like top ten, and then I was in the last 346 00:18:17,320 --> 00:18:18,960 Speaker 1: because this is the thing that's what you can tell 347 00:18:19,720 --> 00:18:21,280 Speaker 1: school for broadcast. And I was like, all right, this 348 00:18:21,320 --> 00:18:23,480 Speaker 1: is And then at the time, I had left everything 349 00:18:23,480 --> 00:18:25,560 Speaker 1: in New York to come to Detroit to be with 350 00:18:25,600 --> 00:18:27,120 Speaker 1: you at this point, so I was just like, well, 351 00:18:27,160 --> 00:18:29,400 Speaker 1: I feel like at this point, I'm obligated to find 352 00:18:29,400 --> 00:18:30,760 Speaker 1: a job because what I'm not going to do is 353 00:18:30,800 --> 00:18:33,119 Speaker 1: sit at home and just like not do anything. And 354 00:18:33,160 --> 00:18:35,600 Speaker 1: I appreciated that. I appreciate that because it was a 355 00:18:35,640 --> 00:18:37,800 Speaker 1: point in our relationship there where we were at a 356 00:18:37,800 --> 00:18:39,760 Speaker 1: crossroads where we were like, are you gonna live with me? 357 00:18:39,800 --> 00:18:42,000 Speaker 1: Because you didn't want to be She told me she 358 00:18:42,040 --> 00:18:45,320 Speaker 1: didn't want to be the girl to live in girlfriend 359 00:18:45,359 --> 00:18:47,240 Speaker 1: while I was playing ball, Like she just felt like 360 00:18:47,280 --> 00:18:49,480 Speaker 1: that was just not the role she wanted to take. 361 00:18:49,800 --> 00:18:51,399 Speaker 1: So she wanted to work. She wanted to get back 362 00:18:51,400 --> 00:18:54,399 Speaker 1: out in the workforce. So I appreciate that. Yeah, and 363 00:18:54,440 --> 00:18:57,919 Speaker 1: I'm not spoiled. I was just finished the story, like 364 00:18:58,000 --> 00:19:00,960 Speaker 1: I finished the story. Can I finish my certain? Can 365 00:19:00,960 --> 00:19:03,720 Speaker 1: I finish my story? You you said you said I 366 00:19:03,800 --> 00:19:06,600 Speaker 1: could jump in finish my story. Now you're not letting 367 00:19:06,600 --> 00:19:11,159 Speaker 1: me straight ahead ahead. So now she's in the top ten. Right, 368 00:19:11,520 --> 00:19:13,159 Speaker 1: every couple of days she has to go back in 369 00:19:13,680 --> 00:19:17,840 Speaker 1: and film. So she needed a new outfit. At the time, 370 00:19:18,119 --> 00:19:23,639 Speaker 1: we lived in Philmar, Michigan. But what was the name 371 00:19:23,640 --> 00:19:27,840 Speaker 1: of the mall? It was We lived in a housing 372 00:19:27,880 --> 00:19:31,240 Speaker 1: complex across the street from Fair Lane. More So, every 373 00:19:31,240 --> 00:19:33,399 Speaker 1: time she won, I said, let's go to Fair Lane 374 00:19:33,600 --> 00:19:36,800 Speaker 1: and get you an outfit. That wasn't enough from my 375 00:19:36,840 --> 00:19:40,240 Speaker 1: accustomed wife. She had to go to the huge mall 376 00:19:41,000 --> 00:19:45,200 Speaker 1: twenty miles away in a different part of Michigan because 377 00:19:45,200 --> 00:19:47,520 Speaker 1: they had more stories. They did have they had the 378 00:19:47,560 --> 00:19:50,399 Speaker 1: Gucci de Fend, the Louis stores. It didn't have to 379 00:19:50,440 --> 00:19:54,280 Speaker 1: be expensive. I just needed more selection. Fair Lane was 380 00:19:54,320 --> 00:19:56,280 Speaker 1: like the hood spot. It was like the King's Plaza. 381 00:19:56,320 --> 00:19:57,680 Speaker 1: If you don't know New York, it was like the 382 00:19:57,760 --> 00:20:01,640 Speaker 1: Kings Plaza versus like Roosevelt Field Mall. She says, she's 383 00:20:01,680 --> 00:20:05,560 Speaker 1: not spoiled. Somebody can't find a whole outfit in a 384 00:20:05,640 --> 00:20:08,960 Speaker 1: whole mall. It's not spoiled, it were inappropriate. There was 385 00:20:09,080 --> 00:20:12,040 Speaker 1: some people and this happen. And I said, this is 386 00:20:12,080 --> 00:20:15,199 Speaker 1: what she was like, you talking like a child. She 387 00:20:15,320 --> 00:20:18,200 Speaker 1: was like, good for that. I said that. I said, 388 00:20:18,600 --> 00:20:20,919 Speaker 1: there's somebody you're competing against right now who does not 389 00:20:21,000 --> 00:20:23,640 Speaker 1: live across sheet from the mall, who does not have 390 00:20:23,840 --> 00:20:26,000 Speaker 1: the means to go to the mall every time they win. 391 00:20:26,320 --> 00:20:29,080 Speaker 1: And that's what you're competing against. All right, Abraham, so 392 00:20:29,119 --> 00:20:31,040 Speaker 1: many sons and daughters. You can figure out. I said, 393 00:20:31,040 --> 00:20:32,359 Speaker 1: you can figure out what you got in this closet, 394 00:20:32,440 --> 00:20:34,760 Speaker 1: or we can go to the mall right, And I 395 00:20:34,800 --> 00:20:36,200 Speaker 1: was like, nobody going to take it to the more. 396 00:20:36,240 --> 00:20:38,440 Speaker 1: Every time she said to me, my mom would take me, 397 00:20:40,400 --> 00:20:43,800 Speaker 1: she would because at that point, you felt like an 398 00:20:43,800 --> 00:20:47,159 Speaker 1: obligation because I still had practice. I still had I 399 00:20:47,200 --> 00:20:49,560 Speaker 1: was still playing professional Football's like, just give me the 400 00:20:49,640 --> 00:20:52,239 Speaker 1: card and I'll go on my own. That was and 401 00:20:52,280 --> 00:20:54,280 Speaker 1: that was not he knew early on. He was like, 402 00:20:54,440 --> 00:20:57,320 Speaker 1: oh damn, damn, So how do we deal with this 403 00:20:57,400 --> 00:21:01,120 Speaker 1: reality of what it is not being each other's I mean, we, 404 00:21:01,320 --> 00:21:04,080 Speaker 1: like you'll know, we speak very candidly to each other, 405 00:21:04,160 --> 00:21:06,000 Speaker 1: and we've said time and time again, this is like 406 00:21:06,000 --> 00:21:08,640 Speaker 1: our therapy session, so us being able to speak candidly 407 00:21:08,680 --> 00:21:11,879 Speaker 1: about this. Um, it's not a problem. And now that 408 00:21:11,920 --> 00:21:13,439 Speaker 1: we know that this is the reality, how do we 409 00:21:13,480 --> 00:21:15,439 Speaker 1: deal with this? Well, the first thing is we have 410 00:21:15,480 --> 00:21:18,080 Speaker 1: to talk about how it affected our relationship. When you 411 00:21:18,160 --> 00:21:22,840 Speaker 1: stop becoming someone's escape and you become their obligation, things 412 00:21:22,840 --> 00:21:25,600 Speaker 1: start to go away. And the first thing that goes 413 00:21:25,600 --> 00:21:29,720 Speaker 1: away is intimacy. We weren't hugging, we weren't kissing, we 414 00:21:29,720 --> 00:21:33,320 Speaker 1: weren't smiling, we weren't watching movies together, so that connection 415 00:21:33,400 --> 00:21:37,679 Speaker 1: was gone. So with that connection being gone, intimacy at 416 00:21:37,720 --> 00:21:40,560 Speaker 1: all was gone. We weren't having sex like that, Like, 417 00:21:40,600 --> 00:21:43,160 Speaker 1: we weren't feeling each other in that way. I think 418 00:21:43,160 --> 00:21:45,480 Speaker 1: over the course of our relationship, we have several points 419 00:21:45,480 --> 00:21:48,320 Speaker 1: where we felt disconnected and we've been able to say it. 420 00:21:48,320 --> 00:21:50,760 Speaker 1: And you may have felt disconnected to me in certain 421 00:21:51,200 --> 00:21:54,000 Speaker 1: you know, points, and then vice versa, and then a 422 00:21:54,040 --> 00:21:55,359 Speaker 1: lot of times too, I would look at you and 423 00:21:55,359 --> 00:21:57,840 Speaker 1: be like, damn, I didn't even realize, like we haven't 424 00:21:57,920 --> 00:22:00,400 Speaker 1: hugged or kissed in however many days, or I didn't 425 00:22:00,400 --> 00:22:02,880 Speaker 1: realize that we were actually disconnected. Do you feel that way? 426 00:22:02,880 --> 00:22:05,720 Speaker 1: Because I'm one that gets very involved in like the 427 00:22:05,760 --> 00:22:07,040 Speaker 1: day to day, like, oh my god, we have this 428 00:22:07,080 --> 00:22:08,480 Speaker 1: to get done, not to get done, the house, the 429 00:22:08,560 --> 00:22:10,480 Speaker 1: kids that you know, and there's so many things that 430 00:22:10,720 --> 00:22:12,920 Speaker 1: go through my mind that I just kind of moved 431 00:22:12,960 --> 00:22:16,959 Speaker 1: from day to day sometimes and not really soaking and 432 00:22:17,040 --> 00:22:20,360 Speaker 1: stopped to smell the roses, you know, just saying quote unquote, 433 00:22:20,359 --> 00:22:22,480 Speaker 1: because I feel like of the two of us, I 434 00:22:22,520 --> 00:22:27,280 Speaker 1: am more aware of when we're not intimate, and I 435 00:22:27,320 --> 00:22:31,320 Speaker 1: think that's really the gauge. And when it's been to 436 00:22:31,480 --> 00:22:33,720 Speaker 1: three days that we haven't had sex, that's what that is. 437 00:22:33,800 --> 00:22:36,320 Speaker 1: That's not only that's well that that ultimately is the 438 00:22:36,359 --> 00:22:39,280 Speaker 1: gauge of how we know. But it happens before that. 439 00:22:39,400 --> 00:22:41,000 Speaker 1: I've said to you before, like how many days you're 440 00:22:41,000 --> 00:22:42,359 Speaker 1: gonna come here and watch the movie with me and 441 00:22:42,400 --> 00:22:45,760 Speaker 1: just fall asleep? And that's even before sex becomes an issue, Right, 442 00:22:45,800 --> 00:22:47,720 Speaker 1: I get an attitude where I'm like, when's the last 443 00:22:47,720 --> 00:22:49,199 Speaker 1: time we've been to the movies, when's the last time 444 00:22:49,240 --> 00:22:51,280 Speaker 1: we watched the show, when's the last time you've given 445 00:22:51,280 --> 00:22:53,879 Speaker 1: me a hug. I'll say those things before that, and 446 00:22:53,920 --> 00:22:56,080 Speaker 1: then when it's like, yeah, we have sex in three days. 447 00:22:56,320 --> 00:22:59,320 Speaker 1: Then you're like, oh, it's always about sex. I'm like, no, 448 00:22:59,440 --> 00:23:01,800 Speaker 1: it's not just about sex. But you hate when I 449 00:23:01,840 --> 00:23:04,399 Speaker 1: bring up sex. You get very divinsive when I bring 450 00:23:04,520 --> 00:23:06,720 Speaker 1: up well, I mean too because sometimes for me, intimacy 451 00:23:06,760 --> 00:23:08,600 Speaker 1: does not have to lead to that. But we've spoken 452 00:23:08,640 --> 00:23:11,359 Speaker 1: about that on past episodes, where you know, sometimes the 453 00:23:11,400 --> 00:23:13,600 Speaker 1: intimacy for me can just be like looking in your 454 00:23:13,600 --> 00:23:16,920 Speaker 1: eyes so way I did that day, or just you know, 455 00:23:17,040 --> 00:23:19,840 Speaker 1: holding each other's hand and laying next to you. It 456 00:23:19,840 --> 00:23:22,920 Speaker 1: sounds nice, gentlemen, don't that sound nice to you? Yeah, 457 00:23:23,040 --> 00:23:26,119 Speaker 1: but that's sometimes Sometimes I don't want all the extra stuff. 458 00:23:26,160 --> 00:23:29,640 Speaker 1: I just want to like, you know, but sometimes that 459 00:23:29,240 --> 00:23:32,920 Speaker 1: getting though, like sometimes and you've admitted to it, sometimes 460 00:23:33,240 --> 00:23:36,280 Speaker 1: us attain it's been two weeks and we haven't hugged, right, 461 00:23:36,680 --> 00:23:39,000 Speaker 1: that's the problem. That's the problem. That's pretty that has 462 00:23:39,040 --> 00:23:41,040 Speaker 1: nothing to do with sex. I asked you, like, when's 463 00:23:41,080 --> 00:23:43,200 Speaker 1: the last time you've hugged me? Right? Or even even 464 00:23:43,200 --> 00:23:45,000 Speaker 1: more important, because you know how I am about my food, 465 00:23:45,359 --> 00:23:46,679 Speaker 1: but when's the last time you woke up in the 466 00:23:46,680 --> 00:23:50,679 Speaker 1: morning and just made me breakfast? Weeks I get super 467 00:23:50,720 --> 00:23:53,280 Speaker 1: angry that don't got nothing to do with sex. But 468 00:23:53,320 --> 00:23:54,679 Speaker 1: I'm like, yeah, when the last time you made me 469 00:23:54,680 --> 00:23:57,159 Speaker 1: baking egg and cheese on cinnamon amazing like you used to, 470 00:23:57,400 --> 00:24:01,280 Speaker 1: and maybe like this you'll make it. And I'm like, 471 00:24:01,320 --> 00:24:03,439 Speaker 1: I don't want this version of this baking naked cheese. 472 00:24:03,640 --> 00:24:05,239 Speaker 1: I want to the real one that's used to make 473 00:24:05,280 --> 00:24:07,600 Speaker 1: in college. Right, but you were a couple of pounds. 474 00:24:07,600 --> 00:24:09,040 Speaker 1: You're trying to gain weight now now you don't want 475 00:24:09,080 --> 00:24:10,960 Speaker 1: no dad Bob, so I can't be making you bak 476 00:24:11,400 --> 00:24:13,760 Speaker 1: bakon naked cheese like I used to. We're both on 477 00:24:13,840 --> 00:24:16,440 Speaker 1: a health kick. So so you know what's funny though, 478 00:24:16,520 --> 00:24:18,719 Speaker 1: because we missed this question, what was your first response 479 00:24:18,760 --> 00:24:22,520 Speaker 1: to this revelation? The first response to this for me 480 00:24:23,119 --> 00:24:26,240 Speaker 1: is to shut down. The first response for me telling 481 00:24:26,240 --> 00:24:28,840 Speaker 1: you that my first to the revelation that we're not 482 00:24:28,920 --> 00:24:32,159 Speaker 1: connected and to the revelation that you are no longer 483 00:24:32,280 --> 00:24:35,920 Speaker 1: my escape obligation, my first revelation is to shut down 484 00:24:36,280 --> 00:24:39,480 Speaker 1: because I don't want to feel like a burden. So 485 00:24:39,520 --> 00:24:40,919 Speaker 1: I'm like, you know, I'm not gonna say nothing. I'm 486 00:24:40,960 --> 00:24:43,960 Speaker 1: just going No one wants to feel like they're being 487 00:24:43,960 --> 00:24:46,280 Speaker 1: obligated to, because then it loses this authenticity and then 488 00:24:46,280 --> 00:24:48,159 Speaker 1: it's not organic anymore. And we've said that before, like 489 00:24:48,840 --> 00:24:50,960 Speaker 1: you don't want to feel like now has to put 490 00:24:51,000 --> 00:24:53,720 Speaker 1: on for us to then be connected. But then I 491 00:24:53,800 --> 00:24:56,240 Speaker 1: noticed that nothing happens because if I don't make you 492 00:24:56,320 --> 00:24:58,119 Speaker 1: aware that I feel a shortain way and I just 493 00:24:58,119 --> 00:25:00,280 Speaker 1: shut down and you're used to us move been like 494 00:25:00,320 --> 00:25:02,679 Speaker 1: ships in the night. We just continue to move like 495 00:25:02,720 --> 00:25:04,920 Speaker 1: ships in the night. Absolutely, you know what I'm saying. 496 00:25:05,240 --> 00:25:07,280 Speaker 1: My first as to the revelation be like, oh, ship, 497 00:25:07,480 --> 00:25:10,000 Speaker 1: how do I salvage this now? At this point? Because 498 00:25:10,320 --> 00:25:11,920 Speaker 1: usually when it gets to that point, I know you're 499 00:25:11,920 --> 00:25:14,159 Speaker 1: already in your feelings about it, You're upset to an 500 00:25:14,200 --> 00:25:16,640 Speaker 1: extent um, And it's really like a kind of clean 501 00:25:16,720 --> 00:25:18,600 Speaker 1: up for me, like damn, how am I gonna now 502 00:25:18,640 --> 00:25:21,680 Speaker 1: salvage just and clean up what this mess that's pretty 503 00:25:21,760 --> 00:25:26,680 Speaker 1: much made? Um, So it's like waves for us. But 504 00:25:26,680 --> 00:25:28,520 Speaker 1: but that's but that's what leads us to the fourth question. 505 00:25:28,560 --> 00:25:30,840 Speaker 1: How do you deal with that reality when you realize 506 00:25:30,880 --> 00:25:35,680 Speaker 1: that I'm no longer your escape? What do you what 507 00:25:35,720 --> 00:25:37,639 Speaker 1: do you do? What do you say to me to 508 00:25:37,680 --> 00:25:42,639 Speaker 1: make me realize that? I mean, usually at that point, um, 509 00:25:42,680 --> 00:25:44,880 Speaker 1: I then have a desire to want to connect as 510 00:25:44,880 --> 00:25:47,800 Speaker 1: soon as possible or as as fast as possible. And 511 00:25:48,040 --> 00:25:50,440 Speaker 1: for me, I can start right in that moment, be like, 512 00:25:50,520 --> 00:25:53,000 Speaker 1: you know what, let's just put everything aside and do it. 513 00:25:53,400 --> 00:25:56,119 Speaker 1: You don't necessarily operate that way. I feel like you're you, 514 00:25:56,280 --> 00:26:00,119 Speaker 1: You're kind of you want to be upset. I want 515 00:26:00,119 --> 00:26:02,280 Speaker 1: to be that likes to be upset, and he likes 516 00:26:02,320 --> 00:26:06,080 Speaker 1: to just like you know, be dramatic. And he'll leave 517 00:26:06,119 --> 00:26:07,840 Speaker 1: the room and I have to go follow him out 518 00:26:07,840 --> 00:26:09,720 Speaker 1: of the room and then like text me from the 519 00:26:09,720 --> 00:26:11,720 Speaker 1: other room and then I have to come and it's 520 00:26:11,760 --> 00:26:14,040 Speaker 1: like a back and forth. Like he likes this whole dramatic. 521 00:26:14,640 --> 00:26:18,000 Speaker 1: Definite husband is definitely an actor. He'd be practicing his 522 00:26:18,080 --> 00:26:21,440 Speaker 1: chaps with me all the time because I swear sometimes 523 00:26:21,480 --> 00:26:24,720 Speaker 1: I'm just like bro, nobody wants to be dramatic. But 524 00:26:24,800 --> 00:26:27,240 Speaker 1: I also just don't want to argue, So I gotta 525 00:26:27,320 --> 00:26:29,679 Speaker 1: let you know that I'm upset without talking about it, 526 00:26:29,680 --> 00:26:33,399 Speaker 1: because you you like to argue. You like to argue 527 00:26:33,840 --> 00:26:38,960 Speaker 1: despite it's the most exhausting, most draining thing is having 528 00:26:39,000 --> 00:26:40,679 Speaker 1: to argue with you. So if I can avoid an 529 00:26:40,720 --> 00:26:43,439 Speaker 1: argument with you, I am going to avoid it. That's 530 00:26:43,440 --> 00:26:46,240 Speaker 1: why I'm like, you know what, let's let bygones be bygones. 531 00:26:46,840 --> 00:26:49,040 Speaker 1: I'm at the point now, and let's just I'm going 532 00:26:49,080 --> 00:26:52,280 Speaker 1: to put my husband voice. I'm going to say, you 533 00:26:52,320 --> 00:26:56,240 Speaker 1: know what, baby, you right, don't patronize me because you 534 00:26:56,720 --> 00:26:59,359 Speaker 1: argue right, don't patronize It is not an argument. It 535 00:26:59,560 --> 00:27:02,439 Speaker 1: doesn't is a discussion. Everything develop wants to label as 536 00:27:02,480 --> 00:27:04,520 Speaker 1: an argument, things will have to be an argument. It 537 00:27:04,520 --> 00:27:10,640 Speaker 1: can require just simply discussing it. Okay, you got it. 538 00:27:11,880 --> 00:27:15,239 Speaker 1: Moving on anyway, So after the whole retreat that we 539 00:27:15,240 --> 00:27:17,560 Speaker 1: were on, it really got us to thinking about what 540 00:27:17,640 --> 00:27:21,480 Speaker 1: are the ways that we can now show those levels 541 00:27:21,520 --> 00:27:26,160 Speaker 1: of intimacy or the levels of being seen again that 542 00:27:26,240 --> 00:27:30,120 Speaker 1: we've either kind of you know, felt by the wayside 543 00:27:30,119 --> 00:27:33,439 Speaker 1: over the years or are just non existent. Um so, 544 00:27:33,480 --> 00:27:36,480 Speaker 1: what are some things in addition to the bacon, egg 545 00:27:36,480 --> 00:27:40,080 Speaker 1: and cheese, but excluding sex, just little things excluding sex. 546 00:27:40,200 --> 00:27:42,720 Speaker 1: Hey actually said excluding sex, because we beat that dead 547 00:27:42,720 --> 00:27:46,040 Speaker 1: horse so much. The dead horses never it's always beat 548 00:27:46,080 --> 00:27:48,639 Speaker 1: for a woman. It's never beat for a man, and 549 00:27:48,680 --> 00:27:51,159 Speaker 1: it's never beat for a woman when another woman is involved. 550 00:27:52,720 --> 00:27:55,120 Speaker 1: The whole other podcast episode, but it's the truth though, 551 00:27:55,280 --> 00:27:57,800 Speaker 1: women want to downplay the role of sex until we 552 00:27:57,800 --> 00:28:00,400 Speaker 1: start talking about sex with someone else. You can say 553 00:28:00,520 --> 00:28:04,680 Speaker 1: excluding sex because it's convenient. But then if I say, 554 00:28:04,680 --> 00:28:06,000 Speaker 1: all right, I'm gonna talk to this other women to 555 00:28:06,040 --> 00:28:07,360 Speaker 1: do all the stuff, but we're not gonna talk about 556 00:28:07,359 --> 00:28:08,760 Speaker 1: the sex we had, We're gonna talk about all the 557 00:28:08,800 --> 00:28:11,000 Speaker 1: other intimate ways you wouldn't you. I'm talking about it 558 00:28:11,040 --> 00:28:13,879 Speaker 1: in the context of this relationship at this segment that 559 00:28:13,880 --> 00:28:16,000 Speaker 1: we're talking about. Now, we already touched on sex. We 560 00:28:16,080 --> 00:28:17,440 Speaker 1: touched on the bacon, egg and cheese. So what are 561 00:28:17,480 --> 00:28:21,040 Speaker 1: other ways that intimacy can be involved where I can 562 00:28:21,080 --> 00:28:24,320 Speaker 1: show you that I'm in tune with you other than bacon, 563 00:28:24,359 --> 00:28:26,280 Speaker 1: egg and cheese and sex. That's what I said. Well, 564 00:28:26,320 --> 00:28:27,919 Speaker 1: this is the big this is the biggest thing, all right. 565 00:28:27,960 --> 00:28:30,400 Speaker 1: First of all, men want to feel wanted the same 566 00:28:30,440 --> 00:28:32,600 Speaker 1: way women want to feel wanted. You know, women talk 567 00:28:32,640 --> 00:28:34,080 Speaker 1: about it all the time. I want to feel pretty, 568 00:28:34,080 --> 00:28:36,440 Speaker 1: I want to Men want to feel as if the 569 00:28:36,880 --> 00:28:39,080 Speaker 1: person that they chose to spend the rest of their 570 00:28:39,200 --> 00:28:42,600 Speaker 1: life with wants them all the time. You know what 571 00:28:42,640 --> 00:28:44,520 Speaker 1: I'm saying, You don't. You don't want to ever feel 572 00:28:44,640 --> 00:28:47,640 Speaker 1: dismissed in your own home, and that really has not 573 00:28:47,640 --> 00:28:49,280 Speaker 1: not everything to do with sex, but you want to 574 00:28:49,320 --> 00:28:51,800 Speaker 1: feel good like you want to You want to feel like, damn, 575 00:28:51,840 --> 00:28:54,440 Speaker 1: my woman wants me. So what would that entail for you? 576 00:28:54,480 --> 00:28:57,160 Speaker 1: What are some things that I can do or things 577 00:28:57,200 --> 00:28:58,520 Speaker 1: that may be done in the past that I don't 578 00:28:58,520 --> 00:29:01,520 Speaker 1: do anymore. That shows a level of intimacy, that shows 579 00:29:01,560 --> 00:29:04,440 Speaker 1: you know what Kadin has tuned into me, Kadin sees me, 580 00:29:05,040 --> 00:29:06,960 Speaker 1: or maybe there's some things that you desire for me 581 00:29:07,040 --> 00:29:09,000 Speaker 1: that you don't get. Yeah, well, I mean that also 582 00:29:09,040 --> 00:29:11,960 Speaker 1: comes with change, because I mean I've changed over time 583 00:29:12,080 --> 00:29:14,200 Speaker 1: and you've changed over time. So the first thing is 584 00:29:14,240 --> 00:29:17,800 Speaker 1: communicating those things. But it's just it's small things like 585 00:29:18,280 --> 00:29:21,120 Speaker 1: you walk in the house. You've been at work all day, right, 586 00:29:21,240 --> 00:29:25,200 Speaker 1: A hug would be nice. A kiss, not the garbage, 587 00:29:25,800 --> 00:29:28,280 Speaker 1: you know, not just the valley's boxes need to be 588 00:29:28,320 --> 00:29:30,560 Speaker 1: taken out. There's certain things you just want to walk 589 00:29:30,640 --> 00:29:33,360 Speaker 1: in your home and feel welcomed, like there's no If 590 00:29:33,400 --> 00:29:36,520 Speaker 1: you do this all the time, I'll feel real more intimate. 591 00:29:37,080 --> 00:29:39,560 Speaker 1: There has to be a presence there and and for me, 592 00:29:39,640 --> 00:29:41,960 Speaker 1: I feel like it should be your job as my 593 00:29:42,080 --> 00:29:45,080 Speaker 1: wife to work on figuring those things out for me. 594 00:29:45,200 --> 00:29:47,640 Speaker 1: Like if I gotta put down a laundry list and 595 00:29:47,680 --> 00:29:50,160 Speaker 1: give it to you, I'm dating myself, you know what 596 00:29:50,160 --> 00:29:52,400 Speaker 1: I'm saying. Like for me, I try to focus on 597 00:29:52,440 --> 00:29:54,160 Speaker 1: the things that make you feel good as a woman, 598 00:29:54,200 --> 00:29:56,200 Speaker 1: and I myself try to make sure that I know 599 00:29:56,240 --> 00:29:58,080 Speaker 1: those things so you don't have to constantly tell me. 600 00:29:58,400 --> 00:30:01,600 Speaker 1: As a man, it's annoying to constantly tell your wife 601 00:30:01,960 --> 00:30:05,600 Speaker 1: all the things you need. Nobody want to do. That means, yeah, exactly, 602 00:30:05,600 --> 00:30:07,000 Speaker 1: I wouldn't want to give you a list of things 603 00:30:07,000 --> 00:30:09,120 Speaker 1: either too. I completely get that, I understand it. But 604 00:30:09,160 --> 00:30:11,440 Speaker 1: socially it's been on the man's like, no your woman, no, 605 00:30:11,560 --> 00:30:13,920 Speaker 1: your woman, but it's never been vice versa. They don't 606 00:30:13,920 --> 00:30:15,960 Speaker 1: normally tell women, you know, pay attention to your man's 607 00:30:16,000 --> 00:30:19,240 Speaker 1: feelings and his needs, because that was seen as not masculine. 608 00:30:19,280 --> 00:30:21,120 Speaker 1: You know what I'm saying, It seems not master you're 609 00:30:21,120 --> 00:30:22,600 Speaker 1: a man. Man up. If your wife don't want to 610 00:30:22,600 --> 00:30:24,000 Speaker 1: do this, man up and deal with it, it's like 611 00:30:24,400 --> 00:30:27,440 Speaker 1: that doesn't work. It really doesn't work. You want your 612 00:30:27,440 --> 00:30:29,320 Speaker 1: wife to know, you don't really want to have to 613 00:30:29,360 --> 00:30:31,280 Speaker 1: say it right, you know, So you'd be happy if 614 00:30:31,640 --> 00:30:33,080 Speaker 1: you know, you come home from work and I just like, 615 00:30:33,200 --> 00:30:34,280 Speaker 1: you know what, there's a ton of stuff and now 616 00:30:34,320 --> 00:30:36,480 Speaker 1: it is to be done. But let's just let all 617 00:30:36,520 --> 00:30:38,320 Speaker 1: that fall by the wayside, but just for tonight and 618 00:30:38,360 --> 00:30:41,880 Speaker 1: we can just be that would that would feel good 619 00:30:41,920 --> 00:30:45,480 Speaker 1: sometimes we can. No, I'm gonna be honest, that would 620 00:30:45,480 --> 00:30:48,000 Speaker 1: feel good sometimes, because that ship is never gonna end. Like, 621 00:30:48,240 --> 00:30:50,200 Speaker 1: there's always stuff to do in the house. So the 622 00:30:50,200 --> 00:30:52,000 Speaker 1: minute I walk in the house and you're telling me 623 00:30:52,040 --> 00:30:54,080 Speaker 1: ship they gotta get done tomorrow, there's gonna be more 624 00:30:54,080 --> 00:30:57,080 Speaker 1: ship they gotta get done. So just just saying like, 625 00:30:57,240 --> 00:30:58,920 Speaker 1: there's always stuffy gotta be done so we don't have 626 00:30:58,960 --> 00:31:00,840 Speaker 1: to worry about the intimate. See, that's that's not a 627 00:31:00,840 --> 00:31:03,680 Speaker 1: good excuse, because that wasn't a good enough excuse for 628 00:31:03,720 --> 00:31:06,479 Speaker 1: me when I was doing it to you. It's not 629 00:31:06,520 --> 00:31:08,239 Speaker 1: fair that because I'm trying to build this I can 630 00:31:08,280 --> 00:31:11,400 Speaker 1: forget about all the things my wife needs. That's not 631 00:31:11,440 --> 00:31:14,440 Speaker 1: fair because I can dial it back and think of 632 00:31:14,520 --> 00:31:17,280 Speaker 1: that time when I felt like, yeah, literally coming in, 633 00:31:17,400 --> 00:31:19,800 Speaker 1: coming out and not doing and I was definitely guilty 634 00:31:19,840 --> 00:31:22,800 Speaker 1: of not only that, but throwing responsibilities on you and 635 00:31:22,800 --> 00:31:24,600 Speaker 1: saying something, well, you're my wife, You're supposed to make 636 00:31:24,600 --> 00:31:27,320 Speaker 1: sure this is done. That's just not cool, Like husband 637 00:31:27,360 --> 00:31:29,760 Speaker 1: shouldn't do that to their wives neither, you know, even 638 00:31:29,840 --> 00:31:36,080 Speaker 1: even making sex and obligation not sex. Now you want 639 00:31:36,080 --> 00:31:38,600 Speaker 1: to talk about sex that you see his guys. Now 640 00:31:38,760 --> 00:31:40,880 Speaker 1: she want to talk about sex. But I just co 641 00:31:41,040 --> 00:31:42,840 Speaker 1: sided off on what you said. I mean for me, 642 00:31:43,680 --> 00:31:45,840 Speaker 1: little things that I would like to see. Now. It's 643 00:31:45,840 --> 00:31:48,720 Speaker 1: funny because up until maybe like a couple of months ago, 644 00:31:48,960 --> 00:31:52,760 Speaker 1: the thought of having anybody touched me unwanted or unnecessarily 645 00:31:53,360 --> 00:31:55,800 Speaker 1: was like, just please don't touch me. And I think 646 00:31:55,800 --> 00:32:00,280 Speaker 1: that's because I went from having Cairo and then when 647 00:32:00,280 --> 00:32:02,800 Speaker 1: he was six months old, I got pregnant again, so 648 00:32:02,840 --> 00:32:05,600 Speaker 1: I had a baby in me and then on me breastfeeding, 649 00:32:05,760 --> 00:32:07,760 Speaker 1: and then I was had a baby in me again 650 00:32:07,760 --> 00:32:10,880 Speaker 1: while I was breastfeeding Cairo, and then I had another 651 00:32:10,880 --> 00:32:12,960 Speaker 1: baby and he was breastfeeding so cast and it was 652 00:32:13,000 --> 00:32:15,720 Speaker 1: literally somebody always touching me. And it was a while. 653 00:32:15,880 --> 00:32:17,840 Speaker 1: There was four a minute I was like, could you 654 00:32:18,000 --> 00:32:21,600 Speaker 1: because somebody do not touch me. But now I feel 655 00:32:21,640 --> 00:32:24,640 Speaker 1: like postpartum is a distant past and I want you 656 00:32:24,680 --> 00:32:28,080 Speaker 1: to start touching me again, but not you see that 657 00:32:28,120 --> 00:32:30,600 Speaker 1: sound bite. I just took that sound bite. I'm gonna 658 00:32:30,960 --> 00:32:32,600 Speaker 1: have to put that on a loop. I'm gonna have 659 00:32:32,640 --> 00:32:34,360 Speaker 1: them put that on a loop. And I'm just played. 660 00:32:34,480 --> 00:32:36,080 Speaker 1: And when you just started touching me again, I wanted you. 661 00:32:36,400 --> 00:32:38,320 Speaker 1: I can hear it now, I can hear it now repeat. 662 00:32:38,520 --> 00:32:41,040 Speaker 1: But no, and not touching necessarily with the intent to 663 00:32:41,160 --> 00:32:43,280 Speaker 1: just always the one I would love for you to 664 00:32:43,360 --> 00:32:44,680 Speaker 1: just like you know, I love when you just like 665 00:32:44,720 --> 00:32:47,360 Speaker 1: grab my shoulders and my back or give me a 666 00:32:47,360 --> 00:32:50,320 Speaker 1: massage because you know, I've been in the gym, so 667 00:32:50,520 --> 00:32:52,960 Speaker 1: you know. Um. But no, like a little massage every 668 00:32:52,960 --> 00:32:55,840 Speaker 1: now and again, or just pulling me close to you, 669 00:32:55,960 --> 00:32:57,360 Speaker 1: or like when you used to hoist me up on 670 00:32:57,360 --> 00:33:00,560 Speaker 1: top of the countertop. You like that, Like things like 671 00:33:00,480 --> 00:33:03,640 Speaker 1: that exactly, and those little things that reminders like okay, 672 00:33:03,680 --> 00:33:05,520 Speaker 1: I still got it, and you know my husband still 673 00:33:05,600 --> 00:33:07,760 Speaker 1: looking at me, and you know I'm giving you the 674 00:33:07,760 --> 00:33:09,640 Speaker 1: green light to do that. Let me tell you something, right, 675 00:33:09,680 --> 00:33:13,560 Speaker 1: what's up physiologically? When I hoist you up on the 676 00:33:13,640 --> 00:33:17,400 Speaker 1: counter You're not the only thing that goes up. That's 677 00:33:17,400 --> 00:33:18,880 Speaker 1: all I'm gonna say. Because you don't want to talk 678 00:33:18,880 --> 00:33:20,640 Speaker 1: about sex. Doesn't want you to keep that in mind. 679 00:33:21,120 --> 00:33:24,720 Speaker 1: I get it. Just say little things like that would 680 00:33:24,760 --> 00:33:27,360 Speaker 1: be cute. But I have a question for you. Right 681 00:33:29,120 --> 00:33:39,000 Speaker 1: people want to know, is monogamy the answer? Now, for 682 00:33:39,040 --> 00:33:42,200 Speaker 1: some people, monogamy is not the answer because you're never 683 00:33:42,200 --> 00:33:43,640 Speaker 1: going to find that one person that's going to do 684 00:33:43,680 --> 00:33:46,840 Speaker 1: everything that you want all the time. So the question was, 685 00:33:46,840 --> 00:33:50,480 Speaker 1: was monogamy the answer for us to I'll answer this 686 00:33:50,880 --> 00:33:54,080 Speaker 1: because a lot of times it's for men. They want 687 00:33:54,120 --> 00:33:55,680 Speaker 1: to know, because men seem to be the ones that 688 00:33:55,720 --> 00:33:59,200 Speaker 1: want to go out there and explore, right, monogamy, And 689 00:33:59,240 --> 00:34:01,080 Speaker 1: I'll answer for me. You can answer for you. But 690 00:34:01,160 --> 00:34:04,960 Speaker 1: monogamy is the answer for me. But it's not for 691 00:34:05,000 --> 00:34:09,719 Speaker 1: the reasons that people think. I want to be monogamous 692 00:34:09,800 --> 00:34:13,240 Speaker 1: because I feel like I'm my best version of myself 693 00:34:13,280 --> 00:34:16,680 Speaker 1: when my focus can be on one person. You know 694 00:34:16,719 --> 00:34:20,240 Speaker 1: what I'm saying. I'm big on legacy, I'm big on family, 695 00:34:20,600 --> 00:34:23,120 Speaker 1: and I feel like the most healthiest way for me 696 00:34:23,800 --> 00:34:26,080 Speaker 1: and the children is if I do it with just 697 00:34:26,200 --> 00:34:28,640 Speaker 1: one person. You know what I'm saying. I have things 698 00:34:28,640 --> 00:34:30,400 Speaker 1: that I want to do for myself and it's the 699 00:34:30,440 --> 00:34:32,200 Speaker 1: most selfish thing. Because people say Oh, if you're not 700 00:34:32,239 --> 00:34:35,160 Speaker 1: being a monogamous, you being selfish. I think I'm being monogamous. 701 00:34:35,360 --> 00:34:38,040 Speaker 1: I'm being selfish by wanting to be monogamous because I 702 00:34:38,080 --> 00:34:40,399 Speaker 1: really am thinking about myself. I want to be great 703 00:34:40,400 --> 00:34:42,480 Speaker 1: in every other aspect of my life, so I need 704 00:34:42,520 --> 00:34:44,560 Speaker 1: that focus to be there. So I need to be 705 00:34:44,560 --> 00:34:47,120 Speaker 1: focused on one person to build the legacy of family with. 706 00:34:47,400 --> 00:34:50,680 Speaker 1: So for me, monogamy works for me because that's what 707 00:34:50,719 --> 00:34:52,480 Speaker 1: I went out of my life, right. I don't think 708 00:34:52,520 --> 00:34:56,360 Speaker 1: monogamy works for everybody. I honestly don't. I don't. I 709 00:34:56,400 --> 00:34:59,040 Speaker 1: really don't agree. I agree. I mean, for me, monogamy 710 00:34:59,080 --> 00:35:00,680 Speaker 1: is there. I don't think. I think even if I 711 00:35:00,719 --> 00:35:03,719 Speaker 1: was not married to you, I would probably still I'm 712 00:35:03,760 --> 00:35:07,359 Speaker 1: like a serial monogamous, Like even yeah, that's what I want. 713 00:35:07,400 --> 00:35:09,239 Speaker 1: I'm just I don't think I would be the one 714 00:35:09,280 --> 00:35:11,399 Speaker 1: that's just kind of into like juggling and being out 715 00:35:11,440 --> 00:35:13,560 Speaker 1: and being around. I'm a little bit more of a homebody, 716 00:35:13,680 --> 00:35:15,759 Speaker 1: especially now, you know. So I just I don't think 717 00:35:15,760 --> 00:35:18,959 Speaker 1: for me that, um, you know, being out there playing 718 00:35:19,000 --> 00:35:20,680 Speaker 1: the field as a female was going to be my 719 00:35:20,760 --> 00:35:24,680 Speaker 1: speed anyway. Um, I agree to monogamy is not the 720 00:35:24,680 --> 00:35:27,920 Speaker 1: answer for everyone. Um, the attention that you have to 721 00:35:27,960 --> 00:35:29,520 Speaker 1: put because I've said to you time and time and 722 00:35:29,680 --> 00:35:31,600 Speaker 1: time and time again. If I'm not trying to be 723 00:35:31,680 --> 00:35:33,239 Speaker 1: with you and invest time, and you don't have time 724 00:35:33,280 --> 00:35:36,720 Speaker 1: for nobody else either. So it's just like, you know, what, 725 00:35:36,719 --> 00:35:39,319 Speaker 1: what do I look like not being monogamous with you 726 00:35:39,360 --> 00:35:41,319 Speaker 1: but then finding finding time for other people? That's the case. 727 00:35:41,360 --> 00:35:42,839 Speaker 1: I could just pour it back into you and really 728 00:35:42,840 --> 00:35:45,160 Speaker 1: work on what matters. I agree with that, you know. 729 00:35:45,560 --> 00:35:47,759 Speaker 1: So I have a question, what's your thoughts on having 730 00:35:47,800 --> 00:35:50,279 Speaker 1: a side piece? I don't go there with me again 731 00:35:50,320 --> 00:35:52,600 Speaker 1: because you know this whole Sciopis conversations and came up 732 00:35:52,640 --> 00:35:58,279 Speaker 1: before and they got us into some issues that I'm 733 00:35:58,280 --> 00:36:00,759 Speaker 1: good on being a monogamous right, But I want to 734 00:36:00,800 --> 00:36:03,640 Speaker 1: know your thoughts on just a side piece? Does does 735 00:36:03,680 --> 00:36:06,239 Speaker 1: that work for some people? What do you think? Oh? Man, 736 00:36:06,320 --> 00:36:11,240 Speaker 1: that's a case by case. Don't give a blanket answer. 737 00:36:11,920 --> 00:36:13,839 Speaker 1: What are your thoughts on just having a side piece? 738 00:36:13,920 --> 00:36:17,680 Speaker 1: I just think a side piece is too messy. I think, um, 739 00:36:17,719 --> 00:36:23,680 Speaker 1: there's too much risk involved with side pieces. I think that, Um, 740 00:36:23,719 --> 00:36:25,440 Speaker 1: it's just too I just too messy. Like me, I 741 00:36:25,480 --> 00:36:29,440 Speaker 1: just can't I can't I can't process the whole side 742 00:36:29,440 --> 00:36:33,120 Speaker 1: piece thing. I mean, this is what I think. I can't. 743 00:36:33,520 --> 00:36:38,000 Speaker 1: I feel like we are. It's two thousand nineteen. It's 744 00:36:38,000 --> 00:36:41,440 Speaker 1: a completely different time than when marriage was first constructed. 745 00:36:41,880 --> 00:36:44,160 Speaker 1: So we exist now in a time with the traditional 746 00:36:44,320 --> 00:36:47,480 Speaker 1: values of marriage and what being a husband and a 747 00:36:47,520 --> 00:36:51,480 Speaker 1: wife realistically do not exist anymore. Marriage was constructed during 748 00:36:51,480 --> 00:36:53,760 Speaker 1: the time when women were just considered property. I always 749 00:36:53,760 --> 00:36:57,759 Speaker 1: say that women now make, if not as much more 750 00:36:57,840 --> 00:37:01,959 Speaker 1: money in certain areas than men, especially black women. Black 751 00:37:01,960 --> 00:37:04,920 Speaker 1: women are making a ton of money. Right, So think 752 00:37:04,920 --> 00:37:06,800 Speaker 1: about it. If you're a black woman who's all about 753 00:37:06,800 --> 00:37:10,400 Speaker 1: your career, you don't really want to be married, you 754 00:37:10,440 --> 00:37:14,200 Speaker 1: don't really want to be a mom, and you just 755 00:37:14,280 --> 00:37:17,879 Speaker 1: want to have your freedom sexually, right, that may work 756 00:37:17,920 --> 00:37:20,040 Speaker 1: for someone like that. So that may wait for for 757 00:37:20,080 --> 00:37:21,759 Speaker 1: that woman that you just describe. It would work for 758 00:37:21,800 --> 00:37:24,200 Speaker 1: her to be a side piece. No, it's just somebody 759 00:37:24,200 --> 00:37:26,120 Speaker 1: that's married. No I'm not. I'm not saying she has 760 00:37:26,160 --> 00:37:27,799 Speaker 1: to choose to be a side piece. But what if 761 00:37:27,800 --> 00:37:29,960 Speaker 1: she what if she gets she's involved with someone, maybe 762 00:37:29,960 --> 00:37:32,160 Speaker 1: they're not married, but she's like, I got my own time, 763 00:37:32,200 --> 00:37:33,320 Speaker 1: I got my own things. I want to do. But 764 00:37:33,360 --> 00:37:34,680 Speaker 1: if you want to go get his he can go 765 00:37:34,719 --> 00:37:36,040 Speaker 1: get here. I mean, in that case, I would think 766 00:37:36,040 --> 00:37:38,919 Speaker 1: should be a side piece. It's just that guy would 767 00:37:38,960 --> 00:37:41,320 Speaker 1: have to have a side piece. You see what I'm saying. 768 00:37:41,800 --> 00:37:45,000 Speaker 1: If they're in a relationship and a guy but she's like, hey, 769 00:37:45,040 --> 00:37:46,480 Speaker 1: I'm not going to be around for a couple of months, 770 00:37:46,480 --> 00:37:48,279 Speaker 1: I'm working on this, blah blah blah blah, do what 771 00:37:48,320 --> 00:37:50,480 Speaker 1: you gotta do, just be safe, that guy would need 772 00:37:50,520 --> 00:37:54,080 Speaker 1: a side piece. I mean, if I mean that's whether 773 00:37:54,120 --> 00:37:56,279 Speaker 1: she wants to be, if that's the understanding they had, 774 00:37:56,680 --> 00:37:58,359 Speaker 1: it depends on who's the main person and who's not. 775 00:37:58,440 --> 00:38:00,920 Speaker 1: Who's that she could pretend be the side piece. If 776 00:38:00,960 --> 00:38:02,560 Speaker 1: that's all she's in for is a good time every 777 00:38:02,600 --> 00:38:04,600 Speaker 1: now and again, which she has total control over that 778 00:38:04,640 --> 00:38:06,200 Speaker 1: and on tok of me over her life, that's great, 779 00:38:06,520 --> 00:38:08,399 Speaker 1: But it depends on like, I don't know, if he's 780 00:38:08,400 --> 00:38:10,680 Speaker 1: gonna have somebody stationary at home with him and then 781 00:38:10,680 --> 00:38:14,200 Speaker 1: she just sees her on the weekends, don't. That's why 782 00:38:14,200 --> 00:38:16,280 Speaker 1: I say it goes from a case to case basis 783 00:38:16,360 --> 00:38:19,400 Speaker 1: because there are different there are different social constructs and 784 00:38:19,480 --> 00:38:22,400 Speaker 1: socio economic conditions that exist in two thousand nineteen that 785 00:38:22,440 --> 00:38:25,040 Speaker 1: didn't exist back in the day. And some people don't 786 00:38:25,040 --> 00:38:27,200 Speaker 1: want to exist in that mold of what it is 787 00:38:27,200 --> 00:38:29,880 Speaker 1: to be a wife or a husband. And if someone 788 00:38:29,960 --> 00:38:34,160 Speaker 1: is happy having sex freely with different people, or being 789 00:38:34,200 --> 00:38:37,319 Speaker 1: polyamorous or dealing with polygamy, I don't feel like we 790 00:38:37,440 --> 00:38:39,959 Speaker 1: as a society should judge them. That may not work 791 00:38:40,000 --> 00:38:42,359 Speaker 1: for me. But if you feel like being a side piece, 792 00:38:42,400 --> 00:38:44,720 Speaker 1: and that's not just a woman thing, they are dudes 793 00:38:44,880 --> 00:38:48,600 Speaker 1: who are professional side dudes. That's they go to work. 794 00:38:48,680 --> 00:38:50,279 Speaker 1: They make their money that they don't want to deal 795 00:38:50,320 --> 00:38:53,719 Speaker 1: with no woman's issues. But hey, she wants to give 796 00:38:53,760 --> 00:38:56,239 Speaker 1: some little penis on the side, I'm gonna drop some 797 00:38:56,280 --> 00:38:59,440 Speaker 1: dick off and I'm gonna leave her husband can deal 798 00:38:59,480 --> 00:39:03,200 Speaker 1: with whatever you're drops. I'm serious, because some people don't 799 00:39:03,200 --> 00:39:04,799 Speaker 1: want to deal with all the issues that that go 800 00:39:04,880 --> 00:39:07,000 Speaker 1: with the relationship. And I think some people in in 801 00:39:07,080 --> 00:39:09,719 Speaker 1: their mind may think, Okay, it makes sense if X 802 00:39:09,840 --> 00:39:11,920 Speaker 1: y Z is not happening at home, I can get 803 00:39:11,920 --> 00:39:14,520 Speaker 1: a side piece and it will strictly be that. But 804 00:39:14,560 --> 00:39:17,440 Speaker 1: then what happens when feelings get involved and things that 805 00:39:17,480 --> 00:39:20,160 Speaker 1: you thought were going to be strictly platonic or strictly 806 00:39:20,200 --> 00:39:24,759 Speaker 1: sexual then become more than that. It just gets way 807 00:39:24,800 --> 00:39:27,560 Speaker 1: too complicated relationships and don't have and you know how 808 00:39:27,600 --> 00:39:30,799 Speaker 1: you avoid that with honesty and communication. The same way 809 00:39:30,840 --> 00:39:33,840 Speaker 1: you have to be honest and communicate in a monogamous relationship, 810 00:39:33,840 --> 00:39:35,600 Speaker 1: so honestly saying you're the side piece, this is what 811 00:39:35,640 --> 00:39:39,120 Speaker 1: you're doing, this is your role. The bottom line is, 812 00:39:39,200 --> 00:39:42,480 Speaker 1: when you're dealing with human beings, honesty and communications solves 813 00:39:42,520 --> 00:39:45,000 Speaker 1: all problems. The only time people get hurt is when 814 00:39:45,000 --> 00:39:48,880 Speaker 1: they're deceitful, when you lie, when you have an ulterior motive, 815 00:39:49,320 --> 00:39:51,960 Speaker 1: But when you're honest from the beginning, you give that 816 00:39:52,040 --> 00:39:54,160 Speaker 1: person a choice. I think that works in some circumstances, 817 00:39:54,200 --> 00:39:57,000 Speaker 1: and in some circumstances there are unforeseen things that may 818 00:39:57,040 --> 00:40:00,600 Speaker 1: occur or happen that then can potentially causes that happens 819 00:40:00,600 --> 00:40:03,040 Speaker 1: in a monogamous relationship as well. My thing is, there's 820 00:40:03,040 --> 00:40:05,959 Speaker 1: no rule that says the monogamous relationships work out more 821 00:40:06,360 --> 00:40:10,360 Speaker 1: than polyamorous because the divorce rate is above. Definitely, it 822 00:40:10,400 --> 00:40:12,480 Speaker 1: is no holier than that situation here when it comes 823 00:40:12,480 --> 00:40:16,000 Speaker 1: to relationship, because we have our fair share of issues too, 824 00:40:16,120 --> 00:40:17,440 Speaker 1: So My thing is if you can work through your 825 00:40:17,760 --> 00:40:19,960 Speaker 1: issues in a monogamous relationship, you can work through your 826 00:40:19,960 --> 00:40:23,319 Speaker 1: issues in the polyami situation. All those people just got 827 00:40:23,320 --> 00:40:25,040 Speaker 1: to be honest. I know. I guess it's just it 828 00:40:25,160 --> 00:40:27,360 Speaker 1: just complicate things more when, Okay, for example, you and 829 00:40:27,400 --> 00:40:29,360 Speaker 1: I have an issue where in a monogamous relationship is 830 00:40:29,400 --> 00:40:31,040 Speaker 1: between you and I. But then when you have a 831 00:40:31,080 --> 00:40:33,799 Speaker 1: side piece or a side side piece or side dude 832 00:40:33,880 --> 00:40:38,280 Speaker 1: or whatever, then it just incorporates another human beings, feelings 833 00:40:38,480 --> 00:40:41,680 Speaker 1: and and whatever they gotta say. Like, it just makes 834 00:40:41,719 --> 00:40:43,680 Speaker 1: it that much more difficult because it's just that many 835 00:40:43,680 --> 00:40:47,120 Speaker 1: more people communicating or not. But it works. It works 836 00:40:47,120 --> 00:40:50,440 Speaker 1: in business. If you're honest and you live a in 837 00:40:50,480 --> 00:40:54,000 Speaker 1: your truth, there is no wrong in how you live 838 00:40:54,080 --> 00:40:56,680 Speaker 1: your life because you give the people around you the 839 00:40:56,760 --> 00:41:00,160 Speaker 1: opportunity to make choices. You see what I'm saying. If 840 00:41:00,200 --> 00:41:02,360 Speaker 1: I decide at some point, hey, I don't want to 841 00:41:02,400 --> 00:41:04,080 Speaker 1: live like this no more, and I'm honest with you 842 00:41:04,880 --> 00:41:06,479 Speaker 1: and I say this is what I want to do, 843 00:41:06,560 --> 00:41:09,200 Speaker 1: you then have a choice. If I'm going to deceive you, 844 00:41:09,960 --> 00:41:11,719 Speaker 1: then that's room. So I have a choice to like 845 00:41:11,760 --> 00:41:14,480 Speaker 1: shackle you to my bed and never let you go. Well, 846 00:41:14,480 --> 00:41:18,279 Speaker 1: then you're taking away of my choices. Damn it, you 847 00:41:18,400 --> 00:41:22,040 Speaker 1: have no choices here, devout, They get it, Cadine, I 848 00:41:22,120 --> 00:41:24,920 Speaker 1: belong to you. All right, Why don't you just put 849 00:41:24,920 --> 00:41:27,400 Speaker 1: a bar colde with numbers on my form. That's a 850 00:41:27,400 --> 00:41:30,240 Speaker 1: good idea. Now we're going to get into some listener 851 00:41:30,320 --> 00:41:41,680 Speaker 1: letters right after these ads. This for the record, there 852 00:41:41,719 --> 00:41:48,600 Speaker 1: it is. Tiger Woods is one of our most inspiring 853 00:41:48,760 --> 00:41:52,960 Speaker 1: sports icons. In his story, it comes with many chapters. 854 00:41:53,520 --> 00:41:58,120 Speaker 1: I am deeply sorry from my irresponsible and selfish behavior, 855 00:41:58,719 --> 00:42:06,160 Speaker 1: but here it is the return to glory. This is 856 00:42:06,200 --> 00:42:09,840 Speaker 1: All American, a new series from Stitcher hosted by me 857 00:42:10,360 --> 00:42:12,960 Speaker 1: Jordan Bell. You realized Tiger Us doesn't know who he 858 00:42:13,080 --> 00:42:16,600 Speaker 1: is best in the history of golf, no question in 859 00:42:16,640 --> 00:42:20,840 Speaker 1: my mind. And this season, with the help of journalist 860 00:42:20,840 --> 00:42:25,600 Speaker 1: Albert Chen, we're asking what if the story of Tiger 861 00:42:25,640 --> 00:42:29,200 Speaker 1: Woods that the media has been telling, what if it's 862 00:42:29,200 --> 00:42:34,440 Speaker 1: been completely wrong? All American Tiger is out now listen 863 00:42:34,440 --> 00:42:42,799 Speaker 1: and Stitcher, Apple Podcasts or your favorite podcast app. All right, 864 00:42:42,800 --> 00:42:45,480 Speaker 1: now we're back. Let's get into those listener letters you 865 00:42:45,480 --> 00:42:47,399 Speaker 1: guys have been writing in, and we picked two good 866 00:42:47,400 --> 00:42:50,919 Speaker 1: ones for today. So let's talk about this first one. 867 00:42:51,560 --> 00:42:53,440 Speaker 1: You both have been honest about the fact that you 868 00:42:53,520 --> 00:42:56,640 Speaker 1: took breaks early in your relationship. Can you elaborate on 869 00:42:56,680 --> 00:42:59,360 Speaker 1: what your brakes looked like and how long they lasted. 870 00:42:59,800 --> 00:43:02,440 Speaker 1: My boyfriend and I are in our early twenties, and 871 00:43:02,480 --> 00:43:04,360 Speaker 1: he recently told me he needed to take a break 872 00:43:04,360 --> 00:43:08,359 Speaker 1: so he can figure out what he wanted. I know 873 00:43:08,560 --> 00:43:11,600 Speaker 1: it's necessary, but I'm very hurt and worried that we 874 00:43:11,640 --> 00:43:13,839 Speaker 1: won't be able to come back after the break is over. 875 00:43:13,960 --> 00:43:16,840 Speaker 1: Is there any advice that you can give? Man? This 876 00:43:16,920 --> 00:43:22,800 Speaker 1: sounds it sounds like us like in college early twenties. Um. Absolutely, 877 00:43:22,920 --> 00:43:25,359 Speaker 1: Codein and I were definitely at that point. We were 878 00:43:25,400 --> 00:43:28,960 Speaker 1: living together and things were becoming a little bit stressful 879 00:43:28,960 --> 00:43:31,200 Speaker 1: because we were changing and we both had a little 880 00:43:31,200 --> 00:43:33,200 Speaker 1: bit more priorities at that point. But I'm gonna be honest. 881 00:43:33,800 --> 00:43:37,400 Speaker 1: I knew that I loved Codeine, but I also feared 882 00:43:37,440 --> 00:43:39,600 Speaker 1: that I didn't experience what it was like to be 883 00:43:39,680 --> 00:43:42,360 Speaker 1: a single man. We met at eighteen, so at this 884 00:43:42,360 --> 00:43:44,400 Speaker 1: point now I was twenty one, and I was just like, 885 00:43:44,440 --> 00:43:47,360 Speaker 1: I've I've never dated, I've never really dated any other women. 886 00:43:47,400 --> 00:43:49,440 Speaker 1: How do I know Codein is the one. So we 887 00:43:49,480 --> 00:43:51,080 Speaker 1: had a conversation and I was like, yo, I think 888 00:43:51,080 --> 00:43:52,440 Speaker 1: we need to take a break. Like we're not talking 889 00:43:52,560 --> 00:43:54,719 Speaker 1: right now, you know, we're not really feeling each other. 890 00:43:54,760 --> 00:43:56,239 Speaker 1: I think this might be the point where we needed 891 00:43:56,239 --> 00:43:58,160 Speaker 1: to take a break. Yeah, I think the honesty and 892 00:43:58,200 --> 00:44:00,080 Speaker 1: it is great that he was able to even a 893 00:44:00,239 --> 00:44:02,200 Speaker 1: to you. Um, I think that's pretty mature to say, 894 00:44:02,239 --> 00:44:03,480 Speaker 1: you know what, I need a break to be able 895 00:44:03,520 --> 00:44:05,799 Speaker 1: to just see what's out there, explore. And I'm not 896 00:44:05,840 --> 00:44:07,880 Speaker 1: sure what the terms of the break are meaning. Is 897 00:44:07,920 --> 00:44:09,759 Speaker 1: that he just wants to date other people or is 898 00:44:09,760 --> 00:44:11,960 Speaker 1: it that he needs time to himself. It really depends 899 00:44:11,960 --> 00:44:13,440 Speaker 1: on what it is. But de Val and I very 900 00:44:13,480 --> 00:44:15,719 Speaker 1: early on, I knew how much we cared about each 901 00:44:15,760 --> 00:44:18,200 Speaker 1: other and knew how much we loved each other. Um. 902 00:44:18,239 --> 00:44:20,239 Speaker 1: But you have those moments where you're trying to grow 903 00:44:20,320 --> 00:44:22,960 Speaker 1: within the confines of a relationship and it's not it's 904 00:44:23,040 --> 00:44:25,719 Speaker 1: kind of unfair to yourself because you're growing trying to 905 00:44:25,760 --> 00:44:28,680 Speaker 1: think about somebody else at the same time, and in 906 00:44:28,680 --> 00:44:32,160 Speaker 1: turn that constunt your growth in certain areas. Um, it's 907 00:44:32,200 --> 00:44:33,880 Speaker 1: healthy to be able to have those breaks. And I 908 00:44:33,880 --> 00:44:36,120 Speaker 1: do understand the worry and the concern you have thinking, 909 00:44:36,200 --> 00:44:38,440 Speaker 1: you know, you may not get back together or what 910 00:44:38,480 --> 00:44:41,120 Speaker 1: if things go astray? Um, but I think it's better 911 00:44:41,160 --> 00:44:43,960 Speaker 1: you find out earlier if anybody you know what I mean, 912 00:44:44,000 --> 00:44:45,640 Speaker 1: don't string it on to the point where then there's 913 00:44:45,680 --> 00:44:48,600 Speaker 1: resentment that tends to build years and years into it. 914 00:44:48,680 --> 00:44:50,719 Speaker 1: Because you know, we've dealt with that where we've had 915 00:44:50,760 --> 00:44:53,279 Speaker 1: resentment and not necessarily towards each other, because we never 916 00:44:53,320 --> 00:44:55,520 Speaker 1: really held each other to the you know, the confines 917 00:44:55,560 --> 00:44:57,279 Speaker 1: of this relationship and you can't have a break and 918 00:44:57,320 --> 00:45:01,560 Speaker 1: you can't decide if you want to do other things. Um. 919 00:45:01,600 --> 00:45:03,800 Speaker 1: But yeah, the resentment is still built kind of towards 920 00:45:03,840 --> 00:45:06,040 Speaker 1: ourselves where you kind of get mad at yourself sometimes 921 00:45:06,040 --> 00:45:08,279 Speaker 1: about and I get mad at myself, like, damn, I 922 00:45:08,280 --> 00:45:10,719 Speaker 1: should have taken some time to really just be on 923 00:45:10,760 --> 00:45:13,520 Speaker 1: my own. And the funny thing is our parents told 924 00:45:13,600 --> 00:45:15,719 Speaker 1: us that. I know, your mom told you need to 925 00:45:15,719 --> 00:45:18,080 Speaker 1: focus more, and you My mom definitely told me I 926 00:45:18,160 --> 00:45:21,320 Speaker 1: was moving too fast in eighteen nineteen with a girlfriend 927 00:45:21,400 --> 00:45:24,359 Speaker 1: in college. My dad too was just like you know, like, like, bro, 928 00:45:24,600 --> 00:45:26,200 Speaker 1: you know you're in college, why don't you just explore 929 00:45:26,200 --> 00:45:28,479 Speaker 1: a little bit? And I didn't understand at that point 930 00:45:28,920 --> 00:45:30,919 Speaker 1: what that looked like. But this is one thing I say, 931 00:45:31,080 --> 00:45:33,600 Speaker 1: as far as creating a break, one thing we didn't 932 00:45:33,600 --> 00:45:35,239 Speaker 1: do when we took a break was we didn't tell 933 00:45:35,320 --> 00:45:38,399 Speaker 1: everybody that we were taking a break, because it wasn't 934 00:45:38,400 --> 00:45:40,839 Speaker 1: anybody else's business. And the reason why I say that 935 00:45:40,920 --> 00:45:44,400 Speaker 1: is because once you you allow people to know what's happening, 936 00:45:44,480 --> 00:45:46,279 Speaker 1: or you put them on alert everything that happens in 937 00:45:46,280 --> 00:45:49,400 Speaker 1: your relationships, they start looking for things. So all we 938 00:45:49,400 --> 00:45:50,680 Speaker 1: did was say to each other, listen, we need to 939 00:45:50,680 --> 00:45:52,640 Speaker 1: take a break, take a time, take some time away 940 00:45:52,640 --> 00:45:54,319 Speaker 1: from each other. I'm gonna start staying in my room. 941 00:45:54,400 --> 00:45:56,080 Speaker 1: You stay in your room. If we want to talk 942 00:45:56,120 --> 00:45:58,479 Speaker 1: to someone else, you let me know you're talking to someone. 943 00:45:58,520 --> 00:46:00,480 Speaker 1: I'll let you know I'm talking to someone, and we'll 944 00:46:00,520 --> 00:46:03,520 Speaker 1: move accordingly, right exactly. And then some people feel the opposite. 945 00:46:03,520 --> 00:46:04,840 Speaker 1: They feel like, if it's a break, it should be 946 00:46:04,840 --> 00:46:05,880 Speaker 1: a clean break and I don't need to know that 947 00:46:05,960 --> 00:46:07,439 Speaker 1: you know what's going on while I'm on my break, 948 00:46:07,480 --> 00:46:10,600 Speaker 1: and vice versa. But again, that's that stipulation that you 949 00:46:10,600 --> 00:46:13,000 Speaker 1: have to create within the confines of your relationship. No 950 00:46:13,040 --> 00:46:15,759 Speaker 1: one can do that for you. Um So yeah. I mean, 951 00:46:15,800 --> 00:46:18,080 Speaker 1: I think it's necessary sometimes for growth because you'll be 952 00:46:18,080 --> 00:46:19,560 Speaker 1: able to see what it is that you want. He 953 00:46:19,560 --> 00:46:21,680 Speaker 1: can see what he wants. Um, and then you guys 954 00:46:21,719 --> 00:46:24,160 Speaker 1: go accordingly from there. But being able to have the 955 00:46:24,200 --> 00:46:26,279 Speaker 1: conversation in your early twenties about something like this, I 956 00:46:26,360 --> 00:46:29,080 Speaker 1: think is amazing. You know, the honesty and it my 957 00:46:29,080 --> 00:46:31,239 Speaker 1: my parents, his parents both kind of warned us about it, 958 00:46:31,239 --> 00:46:33,520 Speaker 1: even we had anton uncles. I said that we shouldn't 959 00:46:33,520 --> 00:46:36,160 Speaker 1: have gotten so serious so fast. But at the same time, too, 960 00:46:36,200 --> 00:46:37,840 Speaker 1: you feel like you know everything in that moment, you know, 961 00:46:37,880 --> 00:46:39,480 Speaker 1: we're just like yeah, and you don't. We're just like 962 00:46:39,680 --> 00:46:41,400 Speaker 1: damn YEA, I was right. And it's kind of like 963 00:46:41,400 --> 00:46:43,640 Speaker 1: this vicious cycle that tends to happen because I tell 964 00:46:43,680 --> 00:46:45,960 Speaker 1: the same thing to my siblings. I'm sure my you know, 965 00:46:45,960 --> 00:46:47,640 Speaker 1: when the kids get my our kids get older, will 966 00:46:47,680 --> 00:46:49,319 Speaker 1: tell them the same things, and you kind of have 967 00:46:49,360 --> 00:46:51,919 Speaker 1: to learn for yourself. But um, but you're hanging there, guys, 968 00:46:52,000 --> 00:46:54,600 Speaker 1: and you know and just know that everything you think 969 00:46:54,640 --> 00:46:56,960 Speaker 1: you know, you don't know. So I don't think you've 970 00:46:57,000 --> 00:46:58,960 Speaker 1: run out of time because you're early twenties, like you 971 00:46:58,960 --> 00:47:01,360 Speaker 1: you got time. But the break is healthy, just be 972 00:47:01,400 --> 00:47:04,279 Speaker 1: honest with each other. Absolutely, And that's funny because that 973 00:47:04,360 --> 00:47:06,440 Speaker 1: leads us to the next question. Pleads just to a wife. 974 00:47:07,160 --> 00:47:09,600 Speaker 1: I am a wife and a mother of six, and 975 00:47:09,680 --> 00:47:14,640 Speaker 1: sometimes oh whoa six? That's just that number. Just I 976 00:47:14,760 --> 00:47:18,120 Speaker 1: was like, what happened? And I saw six? And sometimes 977 00:47:18,120 --> 00:47:20,040 Speaker 1: I feel like my husband wants to pay more attention 978 00:47:20,080 --> 00:47:23,200 Speaker 1: to our kids than me. We barely ever get our 979 00:47:23,280 --> 00:47:25,400 Speaker 1: one on one time. And his response is, we have 980 00:47:25,600 --> 00:47:28,719 Speaker 1: all the time to do what we want when they 981 00:47:28,719 --> 00:47:31,040 Speaker 1: get out the house. So my question to you is 982 00:47:31,120 --> 00:47:34,400 Speaker 1: and my overreacting for nothing, Yeah, I long, I have 983 00:47:34,400 --> 00:47:36,919 Speaker 1: no time. I got six kids. There is no time 984 00:47:36,920 --> 00:47:40,480 Speaker 1: with six kids. Oh my goodness. Um, I understand where 985 00:47:40,480 --> 00:47:44,000 Speaker 1: she's coming from. Ill that I do too. However, I 986 00:47:44,040 --> 00:47:46,320 Speaker 1: think it's a bit extreme by him saying when the 987 00:47:46,400 --> 00:47:48,600 Speaker 1: kids get out the house. I think what a lot 988 00:47:48,640 --> 00:47:52,200 Speaker 1: of people fall victim to exactly, and I know I 989 00:47:52,320 --> 00:47:54,880 Speaker 1: fall victim to or two sometimes thinking that you always 990 00:47:54,920 --> 00:47:58,920 Speaker 1: have time and then God forbid, something tragic happens, or 991 00:47:59,280 --> 00:48:01,120 Speaker 1: you know, something happen is where you realize, dam, I 992 00:48:01,160 --> 00:48:04,160 Speaker 1: don't have the time that I thought I had. And 993 00:48:05,760 --> 00:48:09,560 Speaker 1: the relationship and the children started with you too, So 994 00:48:09,680 --> 00:48:11,799 Speaker 1: you have to be able to make time to pour 995 00:48:11,880 --> 00:48:15,600 Speaker 1: into that that is so extremely necessary. You're not overreacting this. 996 00:48:16,520 --> 00:48:18,000 Speaker 1: You guys need to find a sitter. I don't know. 997 00:48:18,400 --> 00:48:22,680 Speaker 1: I have to give you up six kids you'll take too. 998 00:48:22,680 --> 00:48:24,040 Speaker 1: I was thinking the same thing as I was, like 999 00:48:24,080 --> 00:48:26,399 Speaker 1: giving them up. You know, see if Grandma take two 1000 00:48:26,520 --> 00:48:28,080 Speaker 1: on fuel take to giving them up, do what you 1001 00:48:28,080 --> 00:48:29,600 Speaker 1: gotta do, or see somebody comes to the house to 1002 00:48:29,600 --> 00:48:33,000 Speaker 1: watch them. But you guys need your time together, and 1003 00:48:33,040 --> 00:48:34,799 Speaker 1: you cannot wait until the kids are at the house. 1004 00:48:34,800 --> 00:48:37,279 Speaker 1: That's way too far and that's way too much time 1005 00:48:37,280 --> 00:48:39,960 Speaker 1: for you to to disconnect and completely drift apart. So 1006 00:48:40,040 --> 00:48:42,000 Speaker 1: I would not be an advocate for waiting that long. 1007 00:48:42,239 --> 00:48:46,840 Speaker 1: Allow me to provide some perspective. You have six kids, 1008 00:48:47,840 --> 00:48:50,920 Speaker 1: one or maybe two of them kids bound to be 1009 00:48:51,000 --> 00:48:56,319 Speaker 1: fucked up, which means that means they're not gonna be 1010 00:48:56,320 --> 00:48:59,040 Speaker 1: out of the house of one of them going to 1011 00:48:59,120 --> 00:49:02,680 Speaker 1: be living into like dirties. So he tim telling you 1012 00:49:03,120 --> 00:49:05,560 Speaker 1: that they'll have plenty of time when the kids are gone. 1013 00:49:06,239 --> 00:49:08,800 Speaker 1: That ain't going to happen, y'all. I've seen it with 1014 00:49:08,920 --> 00:49:11,200 Speaker 1: parents with two kids. One of them kids sucked up 1015 00:49:12,360 --> 00:49:15,480 Speaker 1: and they're got be living there, You got to be up. 1016 00:49:15,600 --> 00:49:18,160 Speaker 1: Maybe they just maybe they just like being at home 1017 00:49:18,200 --> 00:49:19,680 Speaker 1: and they just have a little bit of a delay. 1018 00:49:19,960 --> 00:49:25,759 Speaker 1: Did you listen America's family pre pre scandal was the 1019 00:49:25,800 --> 00:49:31,200 Speaker 1: Cosbie's right doctor lawyer. All kids went to college, right, 1020 00:49:31,880 --> 00:49:34,239 Speaker 1: They never got rid of them, damn kids. They were 1021 00:49:34,280 --> 00:49:36,360 Speaker 1: still living in the house with their own families. That 1022 00:49:37,080 --> 00:49:40,840 Speaker 1: is the reality. My parents, Well we're still in my 1023 00:49:40,880 --> 00:49:42,840 Speaker 1: parents house. Sometimes if that's the case, they leave the 1024 00:49:42,880 --> 00:49:46,400 Speaker 1: kids there and y'all go away. So I told the already, 1025 00:49:46,440 --> 00:49:49,200 Speaker 1: I said, listen, I can't have anything nice in our 1026 00:49:49,239 --> 00:49:52,600 Speaker 1: house now because the kids just everything up like furniture. 1027 00:49:52,719 --> 00:49:55,120 Speaker 1: You don't get anything expensive, nothing cute, because it needs 1028 00:49:55,160 --> 00:49:57,520 Speaker 1: to just be functional and durable. But I told a 1029 00:49:57,600 --> 00:50:00,360 Speaker 1: vow that I would like for us. I aspire to 1030 00:50:00,520 --> 00:50:06,840 Speaker 1: have an all white penthouse rooftop situation somewhere in some city, 1031 00:50:07,120 --> 00:50:09,759 Speaker 1: maybe Miami or something. But I want to have one 1032 00:50:09,800 --> 00:50:13,160 Speaker 1: of those where the kids never I'm accustomed to a 1033 00:50:13,160 --> 00:50:15,600 Speaker 1: certain way of life. I want to have one of 1034 00:50:15,640 --> 00:50:18,319 Speaker 1: those where the kids won't even know we have it. 1035 00:50:18,600 --> 00:50:21,200 Speaker 1: But that's gonna be our own little like space. That's 1036 00:50:21,200 --> 00:50:23,640 Speaker 1: gonna be all white and I can have everything nice 1037 00:50:23,640 --> 00:50:27,239 Speaker 1: and and white and fancy and yeah, and kids never 1038 00:50:27,280 --> 00:50:31,120 Speaker 1: go there. So yeah, okay, baby, whatever you want, you 1039 00:50:33,719 --> 00:50:36,560 Speaker 1: get your husband and then get your husband to your wife. Man, 1040 00:50:36,840 --> 00:50:40,879 Speaker 1: y'all get together. But use contraceptive though, because if you're 1041 00:50:41,160 --> 00:50:43,160 Speaker 1: you're going seven eight, bro, it's a rat for you. 1042 00:50:43,880 --> 00:50:46,000 Speaker 1: So you really have you really gonna be in the house. 1043 00:50:46,239 --> 00:50:48,600 Speaker 1: She's seen fertile, she's seen fertile, and you've seen potland. 1044 00:50:48,680 --> 00:50:51,120 Speaker 1: So y'all loved each other enough during that time to 1045 00:50:51,200 --> 00:50:55,120 Speaker 1: have six kids find each other to get that love back. People, 1046 00:50:55,120 --> 00:50:57,640 Speaker 1: that tax me to be honest, and that's that's you 1047 00:50:57,640 --> 00:51:01,560 Speaker 1: know what, that's my big takeaway moment of true If 1048 00:51:01,600 --> 00:51:06,080 Speaker 1: you're honest and you live in your truth, there is 1049 00:51:06,120 --> 00:51:08,520 Speaker 1: no wrong in how you live your life because you 1050 00:51:08,520 --> 00:51:11,680 Speaker 1: give the people around you the opportunity to make choices. 1051 00:51:12,239 --> 00:51:14,759 Speaker 1: You see what I'm saying. If I decide at some 1052 00:51:14,800 --> 00:51:16,239 Speaker 1: point that hey, I don't want to live like this 1053 00:51:16,320 --> 00:51:18,839 Speaker 1: no more, and I'm honest with you and I say 1054 00:51:18,880 --> 00:51:20,480 Speaker 1: this is what I want to do, you then have 1055 00:51:20,560 --> 00:51:24,080 Speaker 1: a choice. If I'm going to deceive you, then that's wrong. 1056 00:51:24,200 --> 00:51:25,799 Speaker 1: So I have a choice to like shackle you to 1057 00:51:25,880 --> 00:51:28,200 Speaker 1: my bed and never let you go. Well, then you're 1058 00:51:28,239 --> 00:51:34,000 Speaker 1: taking away my choices. Damn it, you have no choices here, devow. Okay, 1059 00:51:34,120 --> 00:51:38,680 Speaker 1: it sounds good, but that's why I get what you're thinking. 1060 00:51:38,960 --> 00:51:41,600 Speaker 1: I get what you're saying. Absolutely, No, that's a great 1061 00:51:41,600 --> 00:51:43,439 Speaker 1: moment of truth. And I think I mean that rings 1062 00:51:43,480 --> 00:51:47,360 Speaker 1: true in any relationship, any relationship that's with your parents, 1063 00:51:47,440 --> 00:51:51,759 Speaker 1: with your child, your coworker, UM, being really honest. Yeah, 1064 00:51:51,760 --> 00:51:53,200 Speaker 1: you're right. You can't fall people for the way they 1065 00:51:53,200 --> 00:51:57,920 Speaker 1: feel it's time to be open, Like it's time to 1066 00:51:57,920 --> 00:52:00,839 Speaker 1: be open about relationships. We we want to be open 1067 00:52:00,880 --> 00:52:02,640 Speaker 1: about everything else in the world. We want to be 1068 00:52:02,680 --> 00:52:05,640 Speaker 1: open about about gender, we want to be open about religion, 1069 00:52:05,640 --> 00:52:07,640 Speaker 1: will be open about politics. But then when it comes 1070 00:52:07,640 --> 00:52:11,400 Speaker 1: to relationships, people get very very defensive, you know, like 1071 00:52:12,040 --> 00:52:15,080 Speaker 1: this way or the highway to be open, be open 1072 00:52:15,120 --> 00:52:17,080 Speaker 1: and be honest. But that's the most important thing, to 1073 00:52:17,120 --> 00:52:22,719 Speaker 1: be honest. Yep, absolutely, I guess my moment of truth, um, 1074 00:52:22,760 --> 00:52:25,480 Speaker 1: in this whole thing, I can it boils down to me. 1075 00:52:25,640 --> 00:52:29,160 Speaker 1: You like my moment of truth is that I Well, 1076 00:52:29,200 --> 00:52:34,200 Speaker 1: now if I haven't before, UM, work to see you more. 1077 00:52:35,400 --> 00:52:38,400 Speaker 1: And I think that's some super super necessary um in 1078 00:52:38,440 --> 00:52:42,399 Speaker 1: a relationship, especially intimate relationship, so much more. I feel 1079 00:52:42,440 --> 00:52:45,840 Speaker 1: like can be smoother with life, um, with the daily 1080 00:52:45,960 --> 00:52:49,000 Speaker 1: day ins and day outs, if sometimes you just take 1081 00:52:49,560 --> 00:52:52,880 Speaker 1: moments to have that level of intimacy, whether it's just 1082 00:52:53,000 --> 00:52:56,920 Speaker 1: like looking at each other in the eyes, or embracing 1083 00:52:56,960 --> 00:53:00,640 Speaker 1: for a while, or just being completely tuned and like 1084 00:53:00,880 --> 00:53:04,719 Speaker 1: phones off, you know, no distraction, Like I would love 1085 00:53:04,760 --> 00:53:08,879 Speaker 1: more of that for us. And I think that that 1086 00:53:08,960 --> 00:53:12,120 Speaker 1: little exercise awakened something in me to the point where 1087 00:53:12,200 --> 00:53:14,640 Speaker 1: I was like texting this dude over the weekend because 1088 00:53:14,680 --> 00:53:17,759 Speaker 1: he had to leave to head back to film, and 1089 00:53:17,800 --> 00:53:19,640 Speaker 1: I was like, yeah, I miss you so much, like 1090 00:53:19,680 --> 00:53:21,400 Speaker 1: I can't wait to see you again. It's almost like 1091 00:53:21,440 --> 00:53:23,600 Speaker 1: I fell in love with you again in that moment, 1092 00:53:23,880 --> 00:53:25,640 Speaker 1: if that makes sense. You did. And then you came 1093 00:53:25,640 --> 00:53:28,440 Speaker 1: home and fell asleep while we were watching TV. When 1094 00:53:28,760 --> 00:53:33,560 Speaker 1: last night, but not not to the night before, I 1095 00:53:33,600 --> 00:53:37,040 Speaker 1: was bad. I was just like, but tonight, I got 1096 00:53:37,080 --> 00:53:40,160 Speaker 1: you tonight. But I was just so happy to see you. Though. 1097 00:53:40,160 --> 00:53:42,160 Speaker 1: When I saw you, it was just like I was 1098 00:53:42,200 --> 00:53:43,640 Speaker 1: happy to see my baby. I was happy to have 1099 00:53:43,680 --> 00:53:45,759 Speaker 1: you back. So my moment of truth is that I 1100 00:53:45,800 --> 00:53:49,640 Speaker 1: am going to be more present, and I encourage everybody present. 1101 00:53:50,239 --> 00:53:53,279 Speaker 1: Um and yeah, and hold me accountable because you know 1102 00:53:53,600 --> 00:53:55,840 Speaker 1: I'll be saying sometimes and it ship don't be happening 1103 00:53:58,160 --> 00:54:00,560 Speaker 1: last night. Woke up this morning over you. I'm sorry, 1104 00:54:00,600 --> 00:54:03,719 Speaker 1: I was jet lagged. I promise, I'm good now. But 1105 00:54:03,920 --> 00:54:06,680 Speaker 1: listen things. I appreciate it though. You say, be more 1106 00:54:06,719 --> 00:54:09,319 Speaker 1: present and be honest. If we do that, then we 1107 00:54:09,360 --> 00:54:11,360 Speaker 1: can make this ship work. I think we could be 1108 00:54:11,440 --> 00:54:13,359 Speaker 1: more present and be honest moment. That's what we came 1109 00:54:13,400 --> 00:54:15,080 Speaker 1: away with it. Man, if you want to be if 1110 00:54:15,080 --> 00:54:17,360 Speaker 1: you want to be your person's weekend, you want to 1111 00:54:17,360 --> 00:54:22,200 Speaker 1: be their escape, be present and be honest, all right, 1112 00:54:22,280 --> 00:54:24,800 Speaker 1: and make sure that you follow us on social media. 1113 00:54:25,040 --> 00:54:29,560 Speaker 1: That's I am devout and I am and And if 1114 00:54:29,560 --> 00:54:32,160 Speaker 1: you're listening on Apple podcasts, be short to rate and 1115 00:54:32,200 --> 00:54:34,920 Speaker 1: review because we love to hear feedback what you like 1116 00:54:35,280 --> 00:54:37,360 Speaker 1: and what we can improve on. And don't forget to 1117 00:54:37,440 --> 00:54:40,279 Speaker 1: hit that subscribe button. That way we can do a 1118 00:54:40,320 --> 00:54:44,040 Speaker 1: new episode and automatically downloads to your phone. Dead Ass 1119 00:54:44,360 --> 00:54:50,680 Speaker 1: Dead as dead Ass is a production of Stricture. It's 1120 00:54:50,719 --> 00:54:54,560 Speaker 1: produced by T Square and Dinora Penya. Our associate producers 1121 00:54:54,560 --> 00:54:57,920 Speaker 1: are Kristen Torres and Trouble. Our studio engineers are Brendon 1122 00:54:57,960 --> 00:55:06,120 Speaker 1: Burns and Andy Christi Daughter. All right now, folks, if 1123 00:55:06,160 --> 00:55:09,040 Speaker 1: you missed our first live show at Essence Fst, have 1124 00:55:09,239 --> 00:55:11,799 Speaker 1: no fear. We've got two more coming up. You knew 1125 00:55:11,800 --> 00:55:13,680 Speaker 1: we were going to do more. We'll be in Philly 1126 00:55:13,719 --> 00:55:17,400 Speaker 1: at Underground Arts on Thursday, November twenty one, and in Brooklyn, 1127 00:55:17,400 --> 00:55:21,160 Speaker 1: New York at the Bellhouse on Friday November. That's right, 1128 00:55:21,280 --> 00:55:24,120 Speaker 1: Philly and Brooklyn stand up. So get your tickets now 1129 00:55:24,239 --> 00:55:27,840 Speaker 1: at dead as podcast dot com. Do not wait before 1130 00:55:27,880 --> 00:55:32,400 Speaker 1: these tickets sell out. Brooklyn, We're back. I'm Drew McCarry 1131 00:55:32,440 --> 00:55:34,239 Speaker 1: and I'm David Roth. We have a podcast going on 1132 00:55:34,640 --> 00:55:37,160 Speaker 1: right now. It's part of the stitchen netwere called Abstraction 1133 00:55:37,400 --> 00:55:41,840 Speaker 1: that's available everywhere. Get a podcast at Stitcher, Spotify, Apple 1134 00:55:42,040 --> 00:55:44,480 Speaker 1: Go listen right now to the Distraction right now, it's out. 1135 00:55:44,760 --> 00:55:45,319 Speaker 1: Do it please,