WEBVTT - The Roadblocks Between You and Love 0:00:00.040 --> 0:00:02.480 Hey, fam, I'm Jada Pinkett Smith and this is the 0:00:02.480 --> 0:00:05.840 Red Table Talk podcast, all your favorite episodes from the 0:00:05.880 --> 0:00:10.000 Facebook Watch show in audio produced by Westbrook Audio and 0:00:10.119 --> 0:00:13.120 I Heart Radio. Please don't forget to rate and review 0:00:13.400 --> 0:00:17.840 on Apple podcasts. On this Red Table Talk the roadblocks 0:00:17.880 --> 0:00:21.600 between you and unconditional love. I've done some very unloving 0:00:21.680 --> 0:00:25.680 things to people that I love because of my ego. 0:00:26.160 --> 0:00:29.880 That Jada baby, she ain't you. So many people are 0:00:29.920 --> 0:00:33.000 in relationships out of fear. Dare thank you? And Daddy's 0:00:33.000 --> 0:00:35.919 relationship started with lust. I do think that was an 0:00:36.040 --> 0:00:38.960 entry point. You've been married four times game, I don't 0:00:38.960 --> 0:00:42.519 think any one of them accepted me for who I was. 0:00:42.800 --> 0:00:44.879 I've heard this, and I swear I hate it. When 0:00:44.920 --> 0:00:46.519 your man asked for sex, you better give it to 0:00:46.600 --> 0:00:49.120 him all he's gonna go somewhere else. Let Later we 0:00:49.200 --> 0:00:51.960 sit down with j a former monk and a global 0:00:51.960 --> 0:00:56.520 phenomenon whose inspirational videos have been viewed over four billion times. 0:00:56.640 --> 0:00:58.680 I probably said I love you a few too many 0:00:58.720 --> 0:01:01.760 times when it wasn't real. I had a lot of people. 0:01:02.160 --> 0:01:04.840 And then we'll meet his wife, Roddy, as they share 0:01:04.840 --> 0:01:08.000 their secrets for keeping love strong. I just think you 0:01:08.040 --> 0:01:17.880 guys are the prettiest couple. I say this is an 0:01:17.920 --> 0:01:21.520 interesting red table because this particular red table has been 0:01:21.520 --> 0:01:23.640 inspired by all the conversations we've been having in the 0:01:23.640 --> 0:01:28.520 house about love. Love is a subject that we'll not 0:01:28.600 --> 0:01:33.800 have been talking about actually trade too. Yeah, what what's 0:01:33.880 --> 0:01:37.720 like your biggest question right now in regards to love? 0:01:39.640 --> 0:01:44.280 I would have basically everything, But I would have to 0:01:44.360 --> 0:01:48.000 say it can get really confusing because you know, you 0:01:48.040 --> 0:01:53.880 can think that you love somebody and then now you're 0:01:53.920 --> 0:01:56.520 feeling like, oh, now I want to control this person. Also, 0:01:56.760 --> 0:02:00.440 people always people it's this love has is a weird 0:02:00.480 --> 0:02:03.000 thing of like you have to do certain things after 0:02:03.000 --> 0:02:07.440 a certain way, treat me a certain way to unconditional 0:02:07.560 --> 0:02:10.519 love exactly. But that's how most people think about you've 0:02:10.520 --> 0:02:12.560 been married four times a game. Do you think that 0:02:12.639 --> 0:02:15.560 this is the first marriage that you have had that 0:02:15.680 --> 0:02:20.799 you feel that you're in more alignment? Absolutely with your partner? Absolutely, 0:02:20.880 --> 0:02:26.480 I see the error in my you know, my other marriages, 0:02:26.760 --> 0:02:30.720 Like I remember my second husband describing me as a 0:02:30.840 --> 0:02:33.919 diamond in the rough well about me all the time, 0:02:35.160 --> 0:02:38.480 and I thought that that was so sweet at the time, 0:02:39.000 --> 0:02:44.320 and I and I thought it was, but it was 0:02:44.400 --> 0:02:49.680 really an indication that I wasn't good enough right because 0:02:49.680 --> 0:02:53.640 he had to polish me up. Oh, you know, I 0:02:53.639 --> 0:02:56.160 didn't even see it that and bring out the shine. 0:02:56.639 --> 0:03:00.640 With my third husband, he wanted me to be somebody else. 0:03:00.720 --> 0:03:03.560 I think he saw me and felt like, oh, I 0:03:03.600 --> 0:03:07.520 can groom this person and mold her into what I 0:03:07.520 --> 0:03:10.639 really want her to be. And so I don't think 0:03:10.680 --> 0:03:14.960 either one of them really accepted me for who I 0:03:15.000 --> 0:03:17.919 was at the core. And I think just in the 0:03:17.960 --> 0:03:21.640 space that I'm in right now, because you know, I'm 0:03:21.720 --> 0:03:26.240 so happy right now. You know, I'm in this relationship 0:03:26.320 --> 0:03:28.480 with my husband for seven years. We're coming up on 0:03:28.600 --> 0:03:32.200 our third year anniversaries. So what is it specifically with 0:03:32.200 --> 0:03:35.560 with your relationship with Rodney that makes you feel I 0:03:35.640 --> 0:03:39.160 just loved more or feel so differently. Yeah, I just 0:03:39.320 --> 0:03:44.320 feel like he knows me, you know, and accepts me 0:03:44.920 --> 0:03:47.880 and accepts me as I am. And I just feel 0:03:47.920 --> 0:03:51.720 like he is so patient with me because I have 0:03:52.000 --> 0:03:55.360 a lot of issues. I really do. One of the 0:03:55.360 --> 0:03:58.400 things that I learned about love is allowance and that 0:03:58.720 --> 0:04:05.080 you can't try to shame someone, molds someone, blame someone 0:04:05.160 --> 0:04:09.480 into being what they should be for you. It's actually 0:04:09.560 --> 0:04:12.960 quite unlovingly and it's not for me to try to 0:04:13.000 --> 0:04:17.080 beat you down and force you into you being something 0:04:17.120 --> 0:04:19.160 for me. If I have a friend that's a cat, 0:04:19.480 --> 0:04:21.320 I'm not going to ask you to be a dog, 0:04:22.279 --> 0:04:25.160 right right right, you know, because there's one thing in growing, 0:04:26.040 --> 0:04:28.279 and then there's one thing and just asking somebody to 0:04:28.400 --> 0:04:30.800 just be something and change and be something that they're 0:04:30.839 --> 0:04:34.360 just not. And guess what, don't nobody need to grow 0:04:34.400 --> 0:04:36.960 for you? You grow? Because guess what if you grow 0:04:37.040 --> 0:04:39.520 in you don't need nobody to do nothing for you. 0:04:40.880 --> 0:04:44.080 It's true, Boom. The one thing that I have been 0:04:44.279 --> 0:04:50.920 learning about love is that ego has no place in 0:04:51.000 --> 0:04:57.200 regards to learning how to love. That I've gotten very 0:04:57.680 --> 0:05:04.760 place whatsoever. Evaluate all of my relationships and dissolving all 0:05:04.800 --> 0:05:08.359 the ego that's entangled in all of them, and just 0:05:08.520 --> 0:05:12.640 realizing that a lot of my relationships have been steeped 0:05:12.680 --> 0:05:17.640 more in ego than in love. And so now the 0:05:17.760 --> 0:05:23.440 challenge for me is and has been, just dissolving all 0:05:23.480 --> 0:05:27.560 that ego and being able to have more allowance and 0:05:27.920 --> 0:05:31.760 people aren't here for me. I'm not entitled to anybody's kindness. 0:05:32.440 --> 0:05:36.800 I'm not entitled to anyone's commitment. I'm not entitled to 0:05:36.920 --> 0:05:40.359 anything from anyone, and that anything that anyone gives me 0:05:40.400 --> 0:05:43.200 is someone decides to love me, someone decides to befriend me. 0:05:43.279 --> 0:05:46.640 It's a gift. It is not an entitlement. And I 0:05:46.680 --> 0:05:50.679 think that I've gone into a lot of my relationships 0:05:50.720 --> 0:05:56.520 feeling deeply entitled. Oh God, yes, and I don't but 0:05:56.640 --> 0:05:59.880 that that that that's that's the tricky and sidious part 0:06:00.080 --> 0:06:03.760 to the ego. And this is gonna sound crazy, but 0:06:03.839 --> 0:06:06.560 if my love being somebody's gonna be based on how 0:06:06.600 --> 0:06:10.120 they treat me, ain't gonna be too many people that 0:06:10.160 --> 0:06:15.599 I love, Let's say, real talk, because and vice versa. 0:06:16.080 --> 0:06:19.560 I've committed some acts and have done some very unloving 0:06:19.600 --> 0:06:24.960 things to people that I love because of my fear 0:06:25.279 --> 0:06:29.200 and my ego. Because once my ego kicks in, we 0:06:29.360 --> 0:06:34.800 in trouble. Because that Jada baby, she ain't cute and 0:06:34.880 --> 0:06:38.400 she's a vicious one and she's mean. Yeah the far 0:06:38.520 --> 0:06:43.800 far so. Yeah, that's real talk. Even in my pain, 0:06:44.560 --> 0:06:48.800 I've had to learn to be more open, be more vulnerable, 0:06:49.279 --> 0:06:51.640 not go to the space of ego and lay it down. 0:06:52.880 --> 0:06:56.520 You know, you gotta lay it down. Yeah. Well, and 0:06:56.560 --> 0:07:00.160 I had a conversation recently that love and fee here 0:07:00.240 --> 0:07:04.920 are fraternal twins. Any time you're trying to love on 0:07:04.960 --> 0:07:08.560 a deep level, you're gonna come up against the vicious 0:07:08.600 --> 0:07:13.640 face of fear. Okay, somebody hurts you. First thing, your 0:07:13.640 --> 0:07:17.160 friends said, girl, leave him right right right, right right right? 0:07:17.640 --> 0:07:19.880 Why are you even dealing with that? They don't care 0:07:19.880 --> 0:07:22.080 about the details. He hurt you, he did, what she did? 0:07:22.120 --> 0:07:24.840 What time to go? It's all steeped and fear. What 0:07:24.920 --> 0:07:29.480 people are gonna think about you, What people are gonna say, 0:07:30.920 --> 0:07:35.560 what it says, Is it gonna happen again? All the 0:07:35.640 --> 0:07:39.600 messaging that is being brought up that you know makes 0:07:39.640 --> 0:07:42.640 you feel like you're not worthy what it says about you, 0:07:42.720 --> 0:07:45.000 what you know? And then you have other women, You 0:07:45.080 --> 0:07:47.880 have even therapists that will tell you take care of 0:07:47.920 --> 0:07:53.040 your man first. You have therapists tell you listen, I've 0:07:53.080 --> 0:07:54.960 heard this, and I swear I hate it when I 0:07:55.000 --> 0:07:56.960 hear it. When your man asked for sex, you better 0:07:56.960 --> 0:07:58.640 give it to him. All he's gonna go somewhere else, 0:07:58.680 --> 0:08:01.080 so let him what it. What it makes you feel 0:08:01.480 --> 0:08:07.000 about yourself? All fear? Okay, So then the ego kicks in, 0:08:08.040 --> 0:08:10.200 and then the ego goes, oh, we're about to take 0:08:10.240 --> 0:08:14.559 care it is she gonna feel it or he's gonna 0:08:14.600 --> 0:08:17.960 feel it. We will be angry, but we're not gonna hurt. 0:08:18.120 --> 0:08:20.760 I always turn it into comedy, and people think I'm 0:08:20.800 --> 0:08:26.200 so mean. Comedy. Yeah, I'd rather laugh about it then 0:08:26.240 --> 0:08:30.320 be angry or cry about it. I've learned to just cry. 0:08:30.480 --> 0:08:33.160 That's how I cope. I would just rather laugh than 0:08:33.240 --> 0:08:37.240 start crying or be like f you like, I just 0:08:37.320 --> 0:08:39.520 rather be like, Oh, you're a comedian, totally get it. 0:08:39.600 --> 0:08:42.239 That's fun. You see. Sometimes we have our coping mechanism, 0:08:42.240 --> 0:08:45.920 and that doesn't necessarily mean that that coping mechanism is true. Yeah, 0:08:46.280 --> 0:08:51.959 it's just the way. But as the mask of I'm 0:08:51.960 --> 0:08:54.559 gonna make this funny, you're ego. That's how your ego works. 0:08:54.600 --> 0:08:56.679 The ego comes in and it goes, oh, no, they're 0:08:56.679 --> 0:08:59.520 a comedian. Yeah, we're gonna make this funny, so laugh. 0:09:00.440 --> 0:09:03.360 Your father does the same thing. It's a nervous thing, 0:09:03.440 --> 0:09:07.040 but the ego creates all these defense mechanisms so we 0:09:07.080 --> 0:09:09.880 don't have to feel. What is that starts falling asleep? 0:09:10.400 --> 0:09:13.679 He'll fall asleep that's his He'll be like, la, I'm sorry, 0:09:14.200 --> 0:09:16.840 it's just a little tired today. Yeah, and until we're 0:09:16.920 --> 0:09:21.000 like I, ego, guess what. I'm ready to actually there 0:09:21.040 --> 0:09:23.760 to handle what is in front of me, and I 0:09:23.880 --> 0:09:27.320 know that the hurt won't kill me exactly. The question 0:09:27.400 --> 0:09:29.600 is why are you in romantic relationships? Why do you 0:09:29.640 --> 0:09:31.560 seek them out? Let me tell you the tricky part 0:09:31.559 --> 0:09:35.680 about it. Okay, so you enter into a relationship based 0:09:35.720 --> 0:09:43.040 on he looks good, lustful of practice. Right, everybody wants 0:09:43.080 --> 0:09:45.480 to love how you want, all those things that made 0:09:45.480 --> 0:09:47.280 you feel like you were the only one. You used 0:09:47.320 --> 0:09:49.240 to make me feel like this, and we used to 0:09:49.280 --> 0:09:51.960 do this. But you are still trying to grasp a 0:09:52.040 --> 0:09:56.160 feeling or a part of time in your life that 0:09:56.360 --> 0:10:00.400 doesn't exist. Do you think you and Daddy's relationship started 0:10:00.440 --> 0:10:04.720 with lust or yeah, you know it's so funny. I've 0:10:04.720 --> 0:10:08.720 really been looking at that. So there's that. Let's bring 0:10:08.800 --> 0:10:14.360 ja outright. Meet j Shetty, who, if you can believe it, 0:10:14.440 --> 0:10:17.840 not long ago, was a monk. Now he's an international phenomenon. 0:10:18.720 --> 0:10:22.760 His viral videos on wisdom have reached billions, yes, billions, 0:10:23.080 --> 0:10:26.640 and its massive following, including many famous faces flock to 0:10:26.760 --> 0:10:29.840 his advice or love and relationships. Well, I'm so grateful 0:10:29.840 --> 0:10:31.599 to be here. Thank you so much for having me. 0:10:32.240 --> 0:10:34.160 I'm so happy to be at the table. Can we 0:10:34.280 --> 0:10:37.200 just talk a little bit of how you became a monk. 0:10:37.520 --> 0:10:40.000 I was eighteen years old, to same age as you believe, 0:10:40.360 --> 0:10:44.120 and I was just doing what every eighteen year old 0:10:44.120 --> 0:10:46.680 in London did. I was going out, had great friends, 0:10:46.679 --> 0:10:48.720 we were traveling, and so I'd go and he'd here, 0:10:48.880 --> 0:10:53.240 ceo celebrities, influences speak every single week. I'd met people 0:10:53.280 --> 0:10:57.840 who are beautiful. I've met people who are famous, but 0:10:57.880 --> 0:11:00.320 I don't know if i'd met anyone who was really happy. 0:11:01.000 --> 0:11:02.560 And then once I found out a monk was going, 0:11:02.840 --> 0:11:05.800 so I went there and for the first time in 0:11:05.840 --> 0:11:08.760 my life, I felt like I was experiencing happiness through 0:11:08.840 --> 0:11:11.200 this monk, and so I was just drawn to it. 0:11:11.360 --> 0:11:13.240 So I went up to him and networked like you 0:11:13.280 --> 0:11:15.600 do with someone anyway. I don't know your network with 0:11:15.600 --> 0:11:17.720 the monk, but I did, and I was just like, hey, 0:11:17.720 --> 0:11:19.959 I love your energy, Like, how do I get more 0:11:20.000 --> 0:11:23.439 of this? Right? So, in your journey, what have you 0:11:23.480 --> 0:11:27.600 found out about love? I think the beautiful thing that 0:11:27.600 --> 0:11:29.520 we're all doing here is recognizing that there is no 0:11:29.640 --> 0:11:32.160 just one past. So I started dating when I was fourteen, 0:11:32.960 --> 0:11:37.160 and from fourteen to twenty two I had multiple relationships, 0:11:38.280 --> 0:11:41.920 tons of girlfriends, short term, long term, pretty much everything, 0:11:42.040 --> 0:11:45.160 which is totally normal. I probably said I love you 0:11:45.200 --> 0:11:48.280 a few too many times when it wasn't real or 0:11:48.320 --> 0:11:50.560 I didn't really know what I meant. I probably hurt 0:11:50.600 --> 0:11:53.040 a lot of people in the process. Actually I know 0:11:53.120 --> 0:11:55.560 I did. I heard a lot of people. And so 0:11:55.760 --> 0:11:58.040 when it came to being a monk, a lot of 0:11:58.080 --> 0:12:00.720 that for me was unpacking all of that, and I 0:12:00.760 --> 0:12:04.000 started to look at my beliefs around love and relationships 0:12:04.280 --> 0:12:08.040 and I realized so many of them were built by movies, music, 0:12:08.240 --> 0:12:10.840 and media. I remember watching a movie and just think like, oh, 0:12:10.880 --> 0:12:13.080 I have to have a girlfriend, and I was like 0:12:13.240 --> 0:12:15.240 twelve years old or something thing, and I was just like, no, 0:12:15.360 --> 0:12:16.960 I need to have a girl in my life because 0:12:17.240 --> 0:12:20.160 that looked cool or whatever it was. And so then 0:12:20.160 --> 0:12:22.520 when I was a monk, I was sitting there and 0:12:22.520 --> 0:12:24.320 one of the biggest things I made a mistake before 0:12:24.320 --> 0:12:26.520 as well was I think I used to do nice 0:12:26.559 --> 0:12:29.280 things for women because it made me feel better about myself. 0:12:30.000 --> 0:12:33.280 So I would do the most luxurious date, like I 0:12:33.400 --> 0:12:35.480 take them to the nicest place I'd show up, and 0:12:35.520 --> 0:12:38.280 the nicest car and the nicest clothes. I give the gift. 0:12:38.320 --> 0:12:40.120 And I don't know if I was genuinely doing it 0:12:40.160 --> 0:12:42.439 for them or actually just doing it for me. So 0:12:42.559 --> 0:12:45.160 they'd be like, Jay, you're amazing, Like you're the guy 0:12:45.520 --> 0:12:47.320 when you become a monk and you like I shaved 0:12:47.320 --> 0:12:49.960 my hair off, you wear robes. It's like no one's 0:12:49.960 --> 0:12:52.040 impressed anymore, you know, it's like there's no one giving 0:12:52.080 --> 0:12:56.200 you that external validation anymore because you're almost, you know, 0:12:56.320 --> 0:12:59.400 just totally different. You're stripped down exactly, that's what I wor, Yeah, 0:12:59.400 --> 0:13:01.880 you're stripped down. And so for me, that gave me 0:13:02.000 --> 0:13:06.240 the silence and the space to go inward without having 0:13:06.280 --> 0:13:09.800 the distraction or validation or self work from another mirror 0:13:09.800 --> 0:13:12.080 of anywhere else. And I had to do it for 0:13:12.160 --> 0:13:15.320 me because now there was no one there to give 0:13:15.400 --> 0:13:18.200 me that right. The monks were not going to do that. 0:13:18.600 --> 0:13:21.520 So you were celibate for those three years. Yes, not 0:13:21.600 --> 0:13:24.559 only was it, the celibacy was like working through all 0:13:24.640 --> 0:13:27.280 of those all of this and going where does this 0:13:27.320 --> 0:13:30.000 belief come from And I was like, oh, this belief 0:13:30.040 --> 0:13:34.480 comes from a movie. Okay, is that really important to me? Right? No, 0:13:34.600 --> 0:13:36.760 it isn't. It was just important because I watched that 0:13:36.800 --> 0:13:40.360 movie and my friends like that movie, and just going 0:13:40.400 --> 0:13:43.439 through that process of just taking stuff out, weeding it out, 0:13:43.480 --> 0:13:46.200 taking out the weeds. What my beliefs of love were. 0:13:46.400 --> 0:13:49.720 So what have you discovered? I know it's so hard 0:13:50.000 --> 0:13:53.560 for that one definition. I can't even wrap my mind well, 0:13:53.600 --> 0:13:56.160 you know, because the focus for me and defining love 0:13:56.240 --> 0:13:58.880 just has gotten deeper and deeper and deeper over the 0:13:58.960 --> 0:14:01.880 years because I do believe that it's peeling back the layers. 0:14:01.920 --> 0:14:05.280 It's like an onion for me. My favorite definition I 0:14:05.280 --> 0:14:07.520 can say that I think the most accessible as well, 0:14:07.640 --> 0:14:10.880 is that love is a verb. It's not a noun, absolutely, 0:14:11.040 --> 0:14:13.600 and and that to me takes away a lot of 0:14:13.880 --> 0:14:18.960 the misconceptions because people experience abuse but then their partner 0:14:19.000 --> 0:14:22.480 says I love you, Or people experience violence or even 0:14:22.600 --> 0:14:24.960 verbal abuse and then people say I love you. But 0:14:25.040 --> 0:14:27.440 if you know that love is a verb not a noun, 0:14:28.400 --> 0:14:31.280 you start to start making the right decision. You can 0:14:31.320 --> 0:14:33.720 start figure out does someone really mean it? Are they 0:14:33.760 --> 0:14:36.720 showing it and are you showing it too? Like love 0:14:36.800 --> 0:14:39.400 is a verb for you too, right, Like, how are 0:14:39.440 --> 0:14:42.040 you displaying this? How are you demonstrates me? And this 0:14:42.080 --> 0:14:43.960 is one of the biggest things that I've definitely learned 0:14:43.960 --> 0:14:45.760 and I think in my relationships and people have probably 0:14:45.840 --> 0:14:49.160 learned dating me, is that just when someone shows you 0:14:49.200 --> 0:14:52.480 their true colors, don't try to repaint them, right, Like, 0:14:52.720 --> 0:14:56.600 that's the biggest issue. We're trying to upgrade people to 0:14:56.800 --> 0:15:00.880 be our perception and we call it love. I love you, 0:15:00.920 --> 0:15:03.480 So this is why I'm doing this. Wow, what are 0:15:03.560 --> 0:15:05.960 some points to you that you could give people to 0:15:06.080 --> 0:15:10.160 help know when you're in an ego state when it 0:15:10.200 --> 0:15:13.600 comes to being in a love relationship, I feel like 0:15:13.680 --> 0:15:16.760 there's so much of our identity, so much of our 0:15:16.840 --> 0:15:20.920 egos that are steeped in our relationships, that we need 0:15:20.960 --> 0:15:26.240 our partners to feed our egos not a hat. Absolutely yeah, 0:15:26.240 --> 0:15:28.320 And I think it's a hard one. The ego feels 0:15:28.320 --> 0:15:30.440 happy when you get lots of people saying nice things 0:15:30.480 --> 0:15:32.720 about it. You get lots of people agreeing with you, 0:15:32.840 --> 0:15:35.360 even if you don't agree with yourself exactly. Right, Like, 0:15:35.400 --> 0:15:37.440 when we're getting ready, we ask a million people, how 0:15:37.440 --> 0:15:39.640 do I look right, right, But we didn't ask ourselves 0:15:39.640 --> 0:15:42.160 how do we look? How do I look for myself? 0:15:42.840 --> 0:15:45.240 But like, do I feel confident in this? Do I 0:15:45.280 --> 0:15:47.560 feel happy in this? Do I feel comfortable in this? 0:15:47.840 --> 0:15:51.560 But we asked everyone else just asking yourself, like building 0:15:51.600 --> 0:15:55.120 up your own opinion of yourself, right, That's that's when 0:15:55.160 --> 0:15:57.640 you start removing ego. And I think also ego plays 0:15:57.680 --> 0:16:01.240 its tricks when we're building your validation shin based on 0:16:01.360 --> 0:16:05.440 others faces. That's the other floors. So you're taking others 0:16:05.440 --> 0:16:07.640 floors and standing on top of them to feel higher. 0:16:07.720 --> 0:16:10.280 And you know, that's a real insidious act that happens 0:16:10.280 --> 0:16:14.040 a lot in intimate relationships. It's like I know more 0:16:14.080 --> 0:16:15.960 than you. And that's one of the biggest challenges too, 0:16:16.040 --> 0:16:20.320 with comparison with love, especially like I have so many 0:16:20.320 --> 0:16:21.840 friends will come up to and be like, oh, did 0:16:21.880 --> 0:16:24.400 you hear so and so, like they were then like 0:16:24.640 --> 0:16:26.840 they did in three months they got married, like they 0:16:26.880 --> 0:16:29.040 love each other right, or like, oh, I've been with 0:16:29.120 --> 0:16:31.120 someone for ten years and he hasn't proposed he or 0:16:31.200 --> 0:16:34.080 she hasn't done this year. And it's that comparison complexes 0:16:34.560 --> 0:16:38.400 everything because again you're going outside of yourself to mirror 0:16:38.440 --> 0:16:41.960 on to your own life and other people's relationships. Exactly. 0:16:42.000 --> 0:16:45.880 Simplifying starts with removing comparison from our lives. When we 0:16:46.320 --> 0:16:51.160 just move out comparison, it naturally simplifies where we're at, 0:16:51.720 --> 0:16:56.320 because now where the validators of ourselves and where we're 0:16:56.320 --> 0:16:58.880 moving and where we're going are eager feeds off of 0:16:59.480 --> 0:17:03.560 talking bad about others because we're basing our happiness on 0:17:03.600 --> 0:17:08.080 someone else's. Yeah, that low point which just feels so 0:17:08.160 --> 0:17:10.560 dead when I talk about it, just doesn't feel like 0:17:10.680 --> 0:17:14.160 clean up. It's just so dark. Yeah, but that's that's 0:17:14.240 --> 0:17:16.159 our ego. So I think we have to stop our 0:17:16.200 --> 0:17:20.040 ego in these moments. It's not necessarily even with our partner. Yeah, right, 0:17:20.600 --> 0:17:22.320 we stick with our partner and we say, oh, did 0:17:22.320 --> 0:17:24.199 you see, like we're so much better than them, like 0:17:24.240 --> 0:17:26.240 did you see did you see them at the table, 0:17:26.320 --> 0:17:29.159 like they didn't even have to communicate? And again like 0:17:29.200 --> 0:17:31.840 you you as your your partnership is built on someone 0:17:31.880 --> 0:17:37.200 else's demise. Yes, Comparative superiority, Yes, yes, that's that's the 0:17:39.119 --> 0:17:43.800 is the problem. Comparative superiority that's the name for right there, 0:17:43.880 --> 0:17:47.440 that's it, and we all you know, we've all we'll 0:17:47.480 --> 0:17:52.760 do it. Understand. Gossiping is the worst all of it. 0:17:52.840 --> 0:17:57.080 That was something that we all struggle with. Your wife 0:17:57.119 --> 0:18:00.560 is here, Yes, we want to bring her out. Jane's 0:18:00.600 --> 0:18:03.680 beautiful wife. Riddy met the meditation class where he was teaching, 0:18:04.000 --> 0:18:07.440 but he'd already committed to becoming a monk. Three years later, 0:18:07.440 --> 0:18:11.800 when Jay left monkhood, he remembered Roddy almost instantly. They 0:18:11.840 --> 0:18:14.840 fell in love and married. Now they're sharing their secrets 0:18:14.840 --> 0:18:17.800 of how they keep their love strong. I just think 0:18:17.840 --> 0:18:25.160 you guys are the prettiest couple of so much beauty. 0:18:25.280 --> 0:18:27.560 I have one question for you, Rody. I just want 0:18:27.600 --> 0:18:31.640 to know if the fact that Jay was a monk 0:18:31.840 --> 0:18:35.120 was that off putting for you at all, because I 0:18:35.160 --> 0:18:38.920 almost feel like it's like, oh my god, he's so spiritual. 0:18:38.960 --> 0:18:41.480 I'll never be able to live up to that. I 0:18:41.560 --> 0:18:44.960 actually was at a stage when I was really seeking spirituality, 0:18:45.080 --> 0:18:47.520 and so for me, I was like, Wow, this person 0:18:47.600 --> 0:18:50.080 has become a monk and he has so much wisdom, 0:18:50.119 --> 0:18:52.440 And for me it was a more of an attraction point. 0:18:52.640 --> 0:18:54.720 I was like, Wow, he's just a spiritual person living 0:18:54.760 --> 0:18:58.320 a normal life but with great integrity and spiritual values. 0:18:58.600 --> 0:19:02.120 Who was the first one who said I love you? Um, oh, 0:19:02.400 --> 0:19:06.480 that's I think it's probably me. I'm guessing we kind 0:19:06.480 --> 0:19:09.159 of went from like you to love you in like 0:19:09.320 --> 0:19:14.600 a week. We were quitter, Yeah, it was very very quick. 0:19:14.760 --> 0:19:17.399 And then we were like we were getting married. We 0:19:17.440 --> 0:19:18.800 never want to be with each other and we know 0:19:18.840 --> 0:19:22.119 we're going to get married. Yeah, And I think, and 0:19:22.160 --> 0:19:23.879 I think a lot, and that's what I was doing earlier, 0:19:23.920 --> 0:19:26.199 like you have, you have lasted, you have love, and 0:19:26.240 --> 0:19:29.200 then sometimes we all come back to learning, right, which 0:19:29.240 --> 0:19:31.640 is actually the in between steps, And so I think 0:19:31.640 --> 0:19:33.280 we did that too. Like we fell in love, we 0:19:33.400 --> 0:19:36.520 knew we were committed, we loved each other, but then 0:19:36.840 --> 0:19:39.800 came the learning. But it wasn't like it was just 0:19:39.880 --> 0:19:41.959 there when we got married and we started living together 0:19:42.040 --> 0:19:46.440 in classes, and you won't skip it. You can't skip 0:19:46.520 --> 0:19:48.720 the learning, right, So you either do it up front 0:19:48.800 --> 0:19:51.600 or you do it after, but you can't skip that step, right. 0:19:52.440 --> 0:19:54.880 And I knew I was confident that I loved her 0:19:55.040 --> 0:19:58.240 because of my previous experiences, because of having lived as 0:19:58.240 --> 0:20:01.760 a monk and becoming really aware of what I was 0:20:01.840 --> 0:20:04.199 looking for in a partner and what I believe my 0:20:04.280 --> 0:20:07.240 partner would stand for and be for me. J What 0:20:07.440 --> 0:20:11.399 does she do that makes you feel the most love? 0:20:12.720 --> 0:20:14.199 I think one of the biggest ones, and I'm going 0:20:14.240 --> 0:20:16.800 to say because it's it's unique, is that she makes 0:20:16.800 --> 0:20:20.000 me feel like she's really secure with me, but also 0:20:20.080 --> 0:20:22.960 not to have her pick holes and find faults all 0:20:23.000 --> 0:20:25.240 the time. And I think that's really special for me 0:20:25.240 --> 0:20:26.840 because it makes me want to be even better, Like 0:20:26.920 --> 0:20:30.760 it motivates me, encourages me. Yeah, it empowers me to 0:20:30.880 --> 0:20:33.680 feel stronger and better and want to live up to that. 0:20:33.760 --> 0:20:38.720 What is it that Jade does that makes you feel loved? 0:20:39.200 --> 0:20:42.439 He's so emotionally available From the beginning when I was 0:20:42.520 --> 0:20:44.959 completely shut off, I was not used to being emotionally 0:20:44.960 --> 0:20:49.639 available at all, and he no matter how hard I 0:20:49.680 --> 0:20:52.960 was in my exterior, he was just constantly emotionally available. 0:20:53.280 --> 0:20:56.480 And still we've been married for two and half year, 0:20:56.560 --> 0:21:01.680 three years, we've been married for three years, and still 0:21:01.760 --> 0:21:04.879 every single day he's very expressive of how he feels, 0:21:04.920 --> 0:21:07.760 whether it's like just love yous or thank you's, And 0:21:07.800 --> 0:21:11.120 I think just those daily things on a regular basis, 0:21:11.200 --> 0:21:13.239 just letting that person know where you're at and how 0:21:13.240 --> 0:21:15.840 you're feeling, or your gratitude, like will be falling a sleeper, 0:21:15.880 --> 0:21:17.800 but I'm so grateful for that what you did today. 0:21:18.040 --> 0:21:20.920 The the idea of emotional availability, I think is so 0:21:20.960 --> 0:21:23.560 important and so strong, and I feel like there's always 0:21:23.880 --> 0:21:27.400 going to be one partner that might have more availability, 0:21:27.640 --> 0:21:29.919 and I think having at least one person like that 0:21:30.000 --> 0:21:33.000 it kind of helps you the other person open up 0:21:33.040 --> 0:21:35.119 and break through as well. And it doesn't mean that 0:21:35.160 --> 0:21:38.160 you have to be this romantic, you know, love letter 0:21:38.200 --> 0:21:40.520 type person, because I'm not like that. But I also 0:21:40.560 --> 0:21:43.800 think there's such a good thing about having a filter 0:21:44.080 --> 0:21:47.720 of love that comes that you're speaking through blur things out. 0:21:47.720 --> 0:21:49.879 It's just because we haven't, we haven't taken the time 0:21:50.240 --> 0:21:53.359 out of love for that person to filter it because 0:21:53.359 --> 0:21:56.080 you're still because you're like, I've got to get like 0:21:56.160 --> 0:21:58.640 I need to win this exactly. And so actually it's 0:21:58.880 --> 0:22:04.600 me and yeah, I mean I'm not I'm all day 0:22:04.760 --> 0:22:06.840 and this is me learning like this isn't I haven't 0:22:06.880 --> 0:22:08.560 got this down at all. But I just think that 0:22:08.680 --> 0:22:11.320 is what it takes. It's like, Okay, I love whoever 0:22:11.440 --> 0:22:13.239 we are speaking to you, whether it's your partner or 0:22:13.280 --> 0:22:15.960 anybody else. In an argument, it's like, wait, do we 0:22:16.000 --> 0:22:17.720 want to give out a feeling of hate to that person? 0:22:17.880 --> 0:22:19.679 Is like what energy are we carrying with our words? 0:22:20.000 --> 0:22:23.040 And I think also just becoming really aware of how 0:22:23.160 --> 0:22:27.000 people react to disagreements, we react totally differently. Yeah, I 0:22:27.040 --> 0:22:29.359 want to talk it out, and she wants to be quiet, 0:22:29.880 --> 0:22:32.280 like she doesn't enjoy diving. So I'm like, let's go. 0:22:32.359 --> 0:22:39.840