1 00:00:04,440 --> 00:00:09,280 Speaker 1: Hello everybody, and welcome back to the Psychology of Your Twenties, 2 00:00:09,920 --> 00:00:12,280 Speaker 1: the podcast where we talk through some of the big 3 00:00:12,520 --> 00:00:16,880 Speaker 1: life changes and transitions of our twenties and what they 4 00:00:16,960 --> 00:00:26,880 Speaker 1: mean for our psychology. Hello everybody, Welcome back to the show. 5 00:00:26,960 --> 00:00:31,880 Speaker 1: Welcome back to the podcast. New listeners, old listeners. Wherever 6 00:00:31,920 --> 00:00:33,640 Speaker 1: you are in the world, it is so great to 7 00:00:33,680 --> 00:00:37,040 Speaker 1: have you back for another episode. Today, we're going to 8 00:00:37,080 --> 00:00:41,920 Speaker 1: be talking about anger, one of our most primal human 9 00:00:41,920 --> 00:00:44,720 Speaker 1: emotions that I think it's neglected a lot in our 10 00:00:44,720 --> 00:00:48,519 Speaker 1: conversations around mental health and kind of the spectrum of 11 00:00:48,520 --> 00:00:52,720 Speaker 1: feelings that we have every day. Anger is such, I think, 12 00:00:52,760 --> 00:00:57,040 Speaker 1: a hidden private experience for a lot of us, something 13 00:00:57,080 --> 00:01:01,320 Speaker 1: to be kind of concealed behind politeness and cities, something 14 00:01:01,360 --> 00:01:03,600 Speaker 1: to be suppressed. You know. We're told that it's a 15 00:01:03,680 --> 00:01:06,679 Speaker 1: very ugly emotion, something that needs to be controlled, and 16 00:01:06,680 --> 00:01:09,319 Speaker 1: then it holds us back, and I think, yes, maybe 17 00:01:09,360 --> 00:01:13,200 Speaker 1: that is true. But anger is also a really important 18 00:01:13,240 --> 00:01:16,760 Speaker 1: emotional cue, and it also shows up in a lot 19 00:01:16,800 --> 00:01:20,280 Speaker 1: of our daily interactions. We are angry at a friend 20 00:01:20,280 --> 00:01:23,080 Speaker 1: for letting us down, at a coworker for messing something up, 21 00:01:23,240 --> 00:01:26,200 Speaker 1: or a partner for a past mistake that we just 22 00:01:26,360 --> 00:01:29,679 Speaker 1: can't let go of. There is a lot of invisible 23 00:01:30,000 --> 00:01:33,280 Speaker 1: anger inside. I think a lot of us anger that 24 00:01:33,959 --> 00:01:37,039 Speaker 1: lives below the surface and probably has done for a 25 00:01:37,080 --> 00:01:39,320 Speaker 1: long time. And like I said, we're really good at 26 00:01:39,360 --> 00:01:44,000 Speaker 1: accepting our kind of pretty and romanticized emotions like happiness 27 00:01:44,080 --> 00:01:49,240 Speaker 1: or even grief, even melancholy, But rage and fury they 28 00:01:49,280 --> 00:01:51,000 Speaker 1: seem to be left out. And I think I spent 29 00:01:51,080 --> 00:01:53,640 Speaker 1: quite a lot of time, quite a few years in 30 00:01:53,680 --> 00:01:57,120 Speaker 1: my early twenties kind of ruled by anger in ways 31 00:01:57,120 --> 00:01:59,800 Speaker 1: that I didn't realize. I was angry at the world. 32 00:02:00,000 --> 00:02:03,320 Speaker 1: I was angry at people who had overlooked me, or 33 00:02:03,400 --> 00:02:06,160 Speaker 1: hurt me, or who had been cruel to me, because 34 00:02:06,240 --> 00:02:10,519 Speaker 1: really it was easier to feel anger than admit how 35 00:02:10,560 --> 00:02:14,240 Speaker 1: insecure those experiences had made me. And I think I 36 00:02:14,280 --> 00:02:17,600 Speaker 1: thought that being angry almost made me tough. And I 37 00:02:17,720 --> 00:02:20,080 Speaker 1: let that feeling really make a lot of decisions for me. 38 00:02:20,160 --> 00:02:23,040 Speaker 1: I let it be projected onto people who didn't deserve that. 39 00:02:23,480 --> 00:02:26,040 Speaker 1: I let it turn to misery. And I wish that 40 00:02:26,120 --> 00:02:29,400 Speaker 1: I had known what I know now. So let's share 41 00:02:30,040 --> 00:02:33,920 Speaker 1: everything to do with the psychology behind anger and what 42 00:02:34,000 --> 00:02:38,040 Speaker 1: psychology has to say about this misguided and misjudged feeling. 43 00:02:38,320 --> 00:02:41,160 Speaker 1: I feel like we don't need a definition of anger. 44 00:02:41,240 --> 00:02:45,840 Speaker 1: Every human, even every animal, knows the feeling, the hot feeling, 45 00:02:45,919 --> 00:02:48,720 Speaker 1: the pressure in the chest, the twitching hands, that kind 46 00:02:48,760 --> 00:02:53,920 Speaker 1: of building urge to react and to scream. Anger is 47 00:02:54,000 --> 00:02:58,200 Speaker 1: one of our most primal, rudimentary emotions. It is an 48 00:02:58,200 --> 00:03:02,799 Speaker 1: emotion that mobilizes the body for action. It mobilizes our 49 00:03:02,840 --> 00:03:05,519 Speaker 1: fight or flight response, and that is what means that 50 00:03:05,560 --> 00:03:09,399 Speaker 1: it allows us to survive in response to a perceived 51 00:03:09,600 --> 00:03:13,919 Speaker 1: threat or a perceived injustice. These kinds of primal emotions 52 00:03:13,960 --> 00:03:17,600 Speaker 1: always really fascinate me because we have evolved so much 53 00:03:17,639 --> 00:03:20,440 Speaker 1: from being these creatures who are only ruled and driven 54 00:03:20,480 --> 00:03:24,080 Speaker 1: by survival and instinct. We're no longer out hunting in 55 00:03:24,120 --> 00:03:28,240 Speaker 1: the wilderness or fighting, you know, neighboring tribes. Maybe we 56 00:03:28,280 --> 00:03:31,480 Speaker 1: are in some senses, but our society has really evolved 57 00:03:31,880 --> 00:03:35,960 Speaker 1: to make sure we are all kind of prim and proper, 58 00:03:36,000 --> 00:03:40,440 Speaker 1: and we are suppressing these really raw emotions, and yet 59 00:03:40,440 --> 00:03:45,080 Speaker 1: they're still there. They haven't dissolved or disappeared with increased sophistication. 60 00:03:45,720 --> 00:03:49,080 Speaker 1: Society is just asking us to hide it. So the 61 00:03:49,120 --> 00:03:53,760 Speaker 1: main theory is that anger comes from primarily feeling threatened, 62 00:03:54,160 --> 00:03:57,080 Speaker 1: feeling powerless, or that there is some part of who 63 00:03:57,120 --> 00:04:00,320 Speaker 1: you are what you stand for that has been trespart. 64 00:04:00,560 --> 00:04:04,360 Speaker 1: So this article published in twenty seventeen, called anger is 65 00:04:04,360 --> 00:04:07,840 Speaker 1: a basic emotion and its role and personality. It describes 66 00:04:07,880 --> 00:04:12,080 Speaker 1: it really well. Our anger serves as an internal sign 67 00:04:12,520 --> 00:04:16,960 Speaker 1: that there is an obstacle or aversive situation that has 68 00:04:17,000 --> 00:04:20,120 Speaker 1: crossed an emotional or physical boundary that we need to 69 00:04:20,200 --> 00:04:23,120 Speaker 1: respond to. And our anger is one of the only 70 00:04:23,160 --> 00:04:26,320 Speaker 1: emotions that is strong enough to get us to that 71 00:04:26,400 --> 00:04:29,200 Speaker 1: point of acting. And this kind of relates to another 72 00:04:29,279 --> 00:04:32,479 Speaker 1: dimension of anger, which is that it can and is 73 00:04:32,520 --> 00:04:36,800 Speaker 1: often a secondary emotion. Let me explain that a little 74 00:04:36,839 --> 00:04:41,760 Speaker 1: bit further. Our anger often masks a much more vulnerable 75 00:04:41,800 --> 00:04:45,320 Speaker 1: feeling that we are not quite ready to confront yet. 76 00:04:45,680 --> 00:04:49,280 Speaker 1: It masks our fear, It masks our hurt, It masks 77 00:04:49,320 --> 00:04:52,800 Speaker 1: our disappointment, how powerless we feel. If you've ever been 78 00:04:53,640 --> 00:04:56,920 Speaker 1: so angry that you've cried, you'll know that, really well, 79 00:04:57,120 --> 00:05:00,840 Speaker 1: that is the true emotion, the sadness, the disappointment bubbling up, 80 00:05:01,200 --> 00:05:04,400 Speaker 1: and sometimes anger is less complicated than the emotion that 81 00:05:04,440 --> 00:05:07,520 Speaker 1: we really want to express. It's less complicated in the 82 00:05:07,560 --> 00:05:11,760 Speaker 1: situation we're in, and so we hide behind our rage. 83 00:05:12,320 --> 00:05:15,920 Speaker 1: Our anger is what makes us act when fear or 84 00:05:15,960 --> 00:05:20,400 Speaker 1: sadness or disappointment can't. And as it wears off, it 85 00:05:20,480 --> 00:05:22,880 Speaker 1: reveals what is truly at the root of that wrath, 86 00:05:23,320 --> 00:05:27,120 Speaker 1: that we are actually just really fragile, gentle creatures who 87 00:05:27,120 --> 00:05:31,240 Speaker 1: have been hurt. Maybe you are not angry as a person, 88 00:05:31,680 --> 00:05:34,600 Speaker 1: Maybe you just have a really delicate soul that's been 89 00:05:34,600 --> 00:05:37,400 Speaker 1: crossed a few too many times and you've reverted to 90 00:05:37,520 --> 00:05:41,960 Speaker 1: what feels easier. And when we see anger in any form, 91 00:05:42,000 --> 00:05:46,120 Speaker 1: regardless of its origin, psychologists can kind of broadly categorize 92 00:05:46,160 --> 00:05:50,280 Speaker 1: it into three different types. Firstly, we have hasty and 93 00:05:50,520 --> 00:05:54,080 Speaker 1: sudden anger, and this is really connected to like the 94 00:05:54,120 --> 00:05:58,280 Speaker 1: impulse for self preservation. So it occurs when we feel 95 00:05:58,320 --> 00:06:01,000 Speaker 1: really trapped in a situation all life. Something has just 96 00:06:01,160 --> 00:06:06,040 Speaker 1: pushed us to the point of explosion. It's very episodic 97 00:06:06,520 --> 00:06:11,000 Speaker 1: in nature. It comes from these brief, uncontrollable bursts, but 98 00:06:11,120 --> 00:06:13,080 Speaker 1: it doesn't mean that it hasn't been building up for 99 00:06:13,120 --> 00:06:16,240 Speaker 1: a while. Maybe this anger has been simmering, just waiting 100 00:06:16,279 --> 00:06:20,240 Speaker 1: for the final catalyst, the straw that breaks the Camel's back. 101 00:06:20,920 --> 00:06:24,960 Speaker 1: Then we have settled and deliberate anger, and this is 102 00:06:25,160 --> 00:06:28,920 Speaker 1: a reaction to a deliberate harm from someone else, something 103 00:06:28,960 --> 00:06:33,480 Speaker 1: that is perhaps long term. It's anger that simmers, that settles, 104 00:06:33,560 --> 00:06:38,040 Speaker 1: anger that creates actions that are less impulsive like hasty anger, 105 00:06:38,120 --> 00:06:42,040 Speaker 1: and more calculated. And then finally we have disposition or anger. 106 00:06:42,440 --> 00:06:45,520 Speaker 1: I think we all know people that are just angrier 107 00:06:45,560 --> 00:06:49,000 Speaker 1: than others. They have that like fiery gene, and this 108 00:06:49,120 --> 00:06:53,080 Speaker 1: dispositional anger is related more to an innate character trait 109 00:06:53,520 --> 00:06:58,039 Speaker 1: than to instincts or cognitions. This also brings me to 110 00:06:58,080 --> 00:07:00,359 Speaker 1: a really important point. Like I said, there are some 111 00:07:00,400 --> 00:07:02,919 Speaker 1: people who are just angrier than others, and there is 112 00:07:02,960 --> 00:07:08,800 Speaker 1: actually a disorder for this called intermittent explosive disorder, and 113 00:07:08,839 --> 00:07:12,480 Speaker 1: this is really related to our ability to control our impulses. 114 00:07:12,640 --> 00:07:15,560 Speaker 1: When we are unable to do that, the behavior that 115 00:07:15,600 --> 00:07:19,880 Speaker 1: we might exhibit is these repeated angry outbursts our failure 116 00:07:19,960 --> 00:07:24,360 Speaker 1: to control our aggressive impulses. And normally it's not something 117 00:07:24,400 --> 00:07:27,280 Speaker 1: that we want to do. It just feels like this 118 00:07:27,640 --> 00:07:31,960 Speaker 1: explosion that has come out of nowhere, and normally the 119 00:07:32,160 --> 00:07:36,320 Speaker 1: reaction is also very much out of proportion to the event. 120 00:07:36,440 --> 00:07:41,080 Speaker 1: That sparked that rage. This is obviously an extreme you know, 121 00:07:41,120 --> 00:07:45,080 Speaker 1: it is like a diagnosable disorder, but I think it 122 00:07:45,080 --> 00:07:48,840 Speaker 1: does go to show how anger is in one way 123 00:07:49,120 --> 00:07:52,680 Speaker 1: an emotion. For others it can become a personality trait, 124 00:07:52,720 --> 00:07:55,320 Speaker 1: and then for others it can be a disordered part 125 00:07:55,800 --> 00:07:58,160 Speaker 1: of who they are and how the world sees them, 126 00:07:58,200 --> 00:08:01,080 Speaker 1: how they see the world. So when we feel any 127 00:08:01,160 --> 00:08:05,880 Speaker 1: of these types of anger, though, something really unique happens 128 00:08:05,920 --> 00:08:10,920 Speaker 1: in our brain. There are entire regions devoted to processing 129 00:08:11,000 --> 00:08:14,880 Speaker 1: this feeling. And the reason that anger feels so fiery 130 00:08:15,640 --> 00:08:20,680 Speaker 1: is because firstly, it's almost entirely automatic and out of 131 00:08:20,720 --> 00:08:24,760 Speaker 1: our control. And secondly, it activates this part of our 132 00:08:24,800 --> 00:08:28,480 Speaker 1: brain known as the amygdala, one of the oldest parts 133 00:08:28,480 --> 00:08:31,840 Speaker 1: of our brain, perhaps the most primal. It's nestled deep 134 00:08:32,320 --> 00:08:34,840 Speaker 1: in there, right in the middle of our limbic system, 135 00:08:35,040 --> 00:08:37,240 Speaker 1: and it is what is responsible for some of our 136 00:08:37,240 --> 00:08:41,000 Speaker 1: most instinctual feelings, the ones that are going to ensure 137 00:08:41,440 --> 00:08:45,240 Speaker 1: that you survive, and those big ones are fear and anger. 138 00:08:46,000 --> 00:08:50,920 Speaker 1: Fear and anger, our ability to detect danger and respond 139 00:08:51,120 --> 00:08:55,160 Speaker 1: are intrinsically linked, sometimes hard to distinguish. It almost feels 140 00:08:55,160 --> 00:08:59,040 Speaker 1: like anger is fear in a more of like a 141 00:08:59,120 --> 00:09:02,520 Speaker 1: hidden form. Instead of wanting to show that we're scared, 142 00:09:03,040 --> 00:09:06,040 Speaker 1: we show that we are like dangerous, or we show 143 00:09:06,040 --> 00:09:09,760 Speaker 1: that we are angry. I think what's definitely true is 144 00:09:09,800 --> 00:09:13,720 Speaker 1: that when this part of the brain takes over, the 145 00:09:13,920 --> 00:09:19,760 Speaker 1: unconscious rational part of us tends to switch off. Anger, 146 00:09:19,840 --> 00:09:22,080 Speaker 1: as has been shown in a lot of research, causes 147 00:09:22,480 --> 00:09:26,120 Speaker 1: a reduction in our cognitive abilities and basically our ability 148 00:09:26,160 --> 00:09:32,040 Speaker 1: to accurately process external stimuli. We don't tend to think 149 00:09:32,080 --> 00:09:35,360 Speaker 1: straight anymore. We face a bunch of distortions to our 150 00:09:35,400 --> 00:09:41,120 Speaker 1: reasoning abilities. For example, like we might see something and overreact, 151 00:09:41,559 --> 00:09:45,320 Speaker 1: or we might see something and attribute blame to someone 152 00:09:45,360 --> 00:09:48,480 Speaker 1: else when in fact it is not their fault. And 153 00:09:48,559 --> 00:09:51,840 Speaker 1: I think this can create a feedback loop where as 154 00:09:51,880 --> 00:09:55,880 Speaker 1: our cognitions become more distorted, we're less able to see clearly. 155 00:09:56,720 --> 00:09:59,360 Speaker 1: The more blame we place on others, the more angry 156 00:09:59,400 --> 00:10:02,079 Speaker 1: that we feel. And I think it's at that point 157 00:10:02,120 --> 00:10:06,240 Speaker 1: when we sometimes see people do things that they normally 158 00:10:06,280 --> 00:10:11,040 Speaker 1: really wouldn't do that is not within their normal personality traits. 159 00:10:11,400 --> 00:10:13,840 Speaker 1: It doesn't mean that they didn't do it. They are 160 00:10:14,200 --> 00:10:17,200 Speaker 1: still accountable, but a lot of the time, they are 161 00:10:17,320 --> 00:10:20,400 Speaker 1: acting from a point of blind rage, and I think 162 00:10:20,440 --> 00:10:23,840 Speaker 1: that brings me to my main point. We don't know 163 00:10:24,360 --> 00:10:27,480 Speaker 1: what to do with our anger. We don't know how 164 00:10:27,480 --> 00:10:31,079 Speaker 1: to process it, whether we should forgive, how to forgive, 165 00:10:31,120 --> 00:10:34,040 Speaker 1: whether we should lash out, who we should tell, how 166 00:10:34,040 --> 00:10:37,439 Speaker 1: to get rid of this feeling, And so we suppress 167 00:10:37,720 --> 00:10:39,920 Speaker 1: the emotion, we let it show up in less than 168 00:10:39,920 --> 00:10:43,520 Speaker 1: ideal ways. It may also be because of how you 169 00:10:43,600 --> 00:10:48,800 Speaker 1: have come to see anger in the past, you've come 170 00:10:48,840 --> 00:10:51,360 Speaker 1: to see it as an emotion that we should avoid. 171 00:10:52,040 --> 00:10:54,679 Speaker 1: This often can be attributed to maybe being raised by 172 00:10:54,880 --> 00:10:59,480 Speaker 1: really angry parents or seeing anger from a previous partner. 173 00:11:00,200 --> 00:11:03,640 Speaker 1: We can see in those moments how ugly it can be, 174 00:11:04,480 --> 00:11:07,720 Speaker 1: especially when it has total control over someone. It may 175 00:11:07,760 --> 00:11:09,959 Speaker 1: also be that as a child, you are not given 176 00:11:10,080 --> 00:11:14,840 Speaker 1: permission to express emotions like anger or rage in a 177 00:11:14,880 --> 00:11:20,480 Speaker 1: safe space. You were punished for being frustrated or rightfully 178 00:11:20,559 --> 00:11:24,200 Speaker 1: angry angry in response to your boundaries being crossed. You 179 00:11:24,280 --> 00:11:29,040 Speaker 1: are not given access to your full emotional bandwidth. So 180 00:11:29,160 --> 00:11:32,120 Speaker 1: anytime you feel anger now as an adult, you associate 181 00:11:32,160 --> 00:11:35,319 Speaker 1: it with the shame and the punishment you received as 182 00:11:35,360 --> 00:11:37,920 Speaker 1: a child, or we vow not to be like the 183 00:11:38,000 --> 00:11:40,880 Speaker 1: person who has let anger control them in our past. 184 00:11:41,240 --> 00:11:43,360 Speaker 1: We know how much it hurts, We know how much 185 00:11:43,360 --> 00:11:45,920 Speaker 1: it harms those around us, we are told, and we 186 00:11:46,000 --> 00:11:49,040 Speaker 1: know that anger is bad and therefore to feel it 187 00:11:49,080 --> 00:11:52,000 Speaker 1: would make us bad, and so we push it down. 188 00:11:52,920 --> 00:11:57,719 Speaker 1: We begin to believe that to feel anger makes us 189 00:11:57,960 --> 00:12:02,000 Speaker 1: purely an angry person and nothing more. When we fear 190 00:12:02,800 --> 00:12:08,360 Speaker 1: any kind of emotional reaction, it naturally leads to avoidance, 191 00:12:08,600 --> 00:12:11,439 Speaker 1: and that is what causes us to suppress a feeling, 192 00:12:11,960 --> 00:12:16,120 Speaker 1: treat it like it's somewhat diseased. However, our body can 193 00:12:17,000 --> 00:12:20,200 Speaker 1: really only hold on to an emotion for so long, 194 00:12:20,720 --> 00:12:24,720 Speaker 1: you know. Eventually we run out of like cognitive resources 195 00:12:24,760 --> 00:12:27,600 Speaker 1: and cognitive strength to hold it down, so we end 196 00:12:27,679 --> 00:12:31,360 Speaker 1: up exploding. And the reason we end up exploding is 197 00:12:31,440 --> 00:12:35,360 Speaker 1: often totally unrelated to the origin of our anger. This 198 00:12:35,440 --> 00:12:41,160 Speaker 1: is what Freud called displacement, and displacement is part of 199 00:12:41,200 --> 00:12:45,560 Speaker 1: our unconscious defense mechanisms, in which we project and find 200 00:12:45,640 --> 00:12:49,480 Speaker 1: a new object for our anger rather than the original cause. 201 00:12:50,160 --> 00:12:52,679 Speaker 1: It is why you may be really angry at your 202 00:12:52,760 --> 00:12:57,200 Speaker 1: roommates or really angry at your younger sibling, but then 203 00:12:57,240 --> 00:13:00,160 Speaker 1: you end up snapping at someone on the internet, or 204 00:13:00,160 --> 00:13:02,280 Speaker 1: you end up like picking a fight with your partner. 205 00:13:03,320 --> 00:13:05,480 Speaker 1: This is just your body trying to find a way 206 00:13:05,559 --> 00:13:08,640 Speaker 1: to let out your anger in an environment that it seems, 207 00:13:08,880 --> 00:13:12,440 Speaker 1: you know, it seizes more appropriate. And really what it 208 00:13:12,480 --> 00:13:18,080 Speaker 1: comes from is originally like shame. It comes from shame 209 00:13:18,200 --> 00:13:22,000 Speaker 1: at your anger. It comes from conflict version, it comes 210 00:13:22,040 --> 00:13:24,320 Speaker 1: from not being able to put it in a place 211 00:13:24,360 --> 00:13:26,319 Speaker 1: where it's going to do good. And I think at 212 00:13:26,320 --> 00:13:30,160 Speaker 1: that point it's really useful to remember that, like any emotion, 213 00:13:31,000 --> 00:13:36,680 Speaker 1: anger is really just here to tell you something. It 214 00:13:36,800 --> 00:13:39,880 Speaker 1: is just the messenger. It is trying to communicate with 215 00:13:39,920 --> 00:13:43,400 Speaker 1: you that there is something in your life, an important 216 00:13:43,480 --> 00:13:48,400 Speaker 1: emotional issue, a sense of dissatisfaction, something that is bothering you, 217 00:13:49,200 --> 00:13:55,199 Speaker 1: a sense of injustice that is going against your values, 218 00:13:55,360 --> 00:13:59,400 Speaker 1: that is going against your desires, your ambitions. It has 219 00:13:59,480 --> 00:14:03,440 Speaker 1: been promised. And if we were to ignore anger or 220 00:14:03,600 --> 00:14:06,080 Speaker 1: kind of like try and opt out of it, what 221 00:14:06,080 --> 00:14:08,640 Speaker 1: we would actually be ignoring is a lot of important information, 222 00:14:09,480 --> 00:14:12,200 Speaker 1: and it would mean that we would never be able 223 00:14:12,200 --> 00:14:14,960 Speaker 1: to stand up for ourselves if our boundary were to 224 00:14:14,960 --> 00:14:17,440 Speaker 1: be crossed, because we could never allow ourselves to feel 225 00:14:17,520 --> 00:14:20,840 Speaker 1: wronged otherwise that would be allowing ourselves to feel angry. 226 00:14:21,520 --> 00:14:24,440 Speaker 1: Hopefully that kind of makes sense, right. I think about 227 00:14:24,440 --> 00:14:28,160 Speaker 1: this a lot in terms of people who are in situationships, 228 00:14:28,280 --> 00:14:31,840 Speaker 1: or if you're in a really fraught relationship and you 229 00:14:31,960 --> 00:14:35,120 Speaker 1: just don't let yourself bring up the things that have 230 00:14:35,240 --> 00:14:39,560 Speaker 1: bothered you, and you suppress it because to feel angry 231 00:14:39,640 --> 00:14:42,280 Speaker 1: might compromise that relationship. You don't want to be angry 232 00:14:42,720 --> 00:14:46,080 Speaker 1: in front of this person. Here's the thing, though, Eventually 233 00:14:46,120 --> 00:14:48,760 Speaker 1: that is going to boil over. It is going to 234 00:14:48,760 --> 00:14:51,880 Speaker 1: give to get to the point where you cannot tolerate 235 00:14:51,920 --> 00:14:55,200 Speaker 1: that for much longer. And that is why anger is 236 00:14:55,240 --> 00:15:01,160 Speaker 1: so crucial, because it is a really valuable motivator for change. 237 00:15:02,040 --> 00:15:06,560 Speaker 1: If we channel that initial impulse for violence and rage correctly, 238 00:15:06,600 --> 00:15:10,480 Speaker 1: we can actually really unlock a lot of movement in 239 00:15:10,520 --> 00:15:13,320 Speaker 1: our life. We can unlock a lot of creativity. I 240 00:15:13,360 --> 00:15:16,760 Speaker 1: know this really really well. You can displace it, that's 241 00:15:16,800 --> 00:15:20,280 Speaker 1: your first option. You can let it take over your 242 00:15:20,480 --> 00:15:23,680 Speaker 1: entire life and you can let it make you violent 243 00:15:23,760 --> 00:15:27,960 Speaker 1: and rageful. Or you can treat it like energy. Why 244 00:15:28,000 --> 00:15:30,920 Speaker 1: do you want to divert that energy in? What parts 245 00:15:30,960 --> 00:15:33,960 Speaker 1: of your life? Might it be useful? To have access 246 00:15:34,600 --> 00:15:37,760 Speaker 1: to that level of passion. Don't you want to kind 247 00:15:37,760 --> 00:15:42,200 Speaker 1: of almost really tap into its power rather than wasting 248 00:15:42,240 --> 00:15:46,120 Speaker 1: it on like a momentary explosion. You know. I think 249 00:15:46,160 --> 00:15:50,160 Speaker 1: the best analogy I've heard about this topic is from 250 00:15:50,200 --> 00:15:52,480 Speaker 1: this Ted talk called Anger is Your Ally, and the 251 00:15:52,520 --> 00:15:55,680 Speaker 1: speaker explains that anger is very much like a child. 252 00:15:55,800 --> 00:15:58,320 Speaker 1: You shouldn't let it drive the car. That is going 253 00:15:58,360 --> 00:16:03,040 Speaker 1: to be a terrible problem. But you also shouldn't stuff 254 00:16:03,040 --> 00:16:05,520 Speaker 1: it in the trunk either. You need to treat anger 255 00:16:05,560 --> 00:16:08,720 Speaker 1: like it's it's a passenger in the vehicle. You know, 256 00:16:09,240 --> 00:16:12,120 Speaker 1: you know it's there. It's just cruising along with you. 257 00:16:12,120 --> 00:16:14,400 Speaker 1: You're not trying to hide from it, but it's also 258 00:16:14,440 --> 00:16:18,040 Speaker 1: not on the front seat. I think this acceptance of 259 00:16:18,040 --> 00:16:20,520 Speaker 1: our anger is not to justify holding onto it by 260 00:16:20,560 --> 00:16:23,400 Speaker 1: no means. I think we often make the mistake in 261 00:16:23,480 --> 00:16:27,120 Speaker 1: believing that raging and seething in silence is somehow going 262 00:16:27,200 --> 00:16:30,120 Speaker 1: to hurt the person we're actually furious at, or that 263 00:16:30,160 --> 00:16:33,680 Speaker 1: it's productive, when actually when we really like hold on 264 00:16:33,760 --> 00:16:35,720 Speaker 1: to this rage, and we hold on to this like 265 00:16:36,840 --> 00:16:40,200 Speaker 1: aggressive instinct in this hurt, we are the person that 266 00:16:40,280 --> 00:16:43,760 Speaker 1: it does the most damage to, but is the answer 267 00:16:43,800 --> 00:16:46,600 Speaker 1: to that that we should forgive. Do we always have 268 00:16:46,640 --> 00:16:51,359 Speaker 1: to be the bigger person to let go of our anger? I, personally, 269 00:16:52,120 --> 00:16:55,320 Speaker 1: I don't think so. I think forgiveness is a privilege, 270 00:16:55,480 --> 00:16:58,520 Speaker 1: and you can, you know, you can still understand the 271 00:16:58,560 --> 00:17:02,280 Speaker 1: ways in which someone has hurt you, the way certain 272 00:17:02,360 --> 00:17:05,879 Speaker 1: actions have gone against your values, and not need to 273 00:17:05,960 --> 00:17:10,439 Speaker 1: subsequently hurt that person as well. To find release. You 274 00:17:10,480 --> 00:17:14,920 Speaker 1: can find peace with your anger. And sometimes I think 275 00:17:14,960 --> 00:17:18,439 Speaker 1: we really celebrate forgiveness. It's this like really pure and 276 00:17:18,480 --> 00:17:20,959 Speaker 1: good thing. You know, there's a lot of religious undertones 277 00:17:20,960 --> 00:17:22,399 Speaker 1: to that, and that it's going to make us so 278 00:17:22,480 --> 00:17:26,000 Speaker 1: much lighter and such better people. But I also don't 279 00:17:26,040 --> 00:17:28,840 Speaker 1: think that it's gonna help us release our rage. I 280 00:17:29,560 --> 00:17:33,240 Speaker 1: don't think that forgiveness is something that we should rush. 281 00:17:33,880 --> 00:17:36,760 Speaker 1: I think that anger actually needs an outlet, and it 282 00:17:36,760 --> 00:17:39,320 Speaker 1: needs to be processed, and it needs to be worked through. 283 00:17:39,760 --> 00:17:43,160 Speaker 1: It needs to be treated with respect before we get 284 00:17:43,200 --> 00:17:46,000 Speaker 1: to the point that we can be stoics about it. 285 00:17:46,080 --> 00:17:49,040 Speaker 1: So in that moment, you kind of have three options. 286 00:17:49,720 --> 00:17:53,520 Speaker 1: You can channel your anger through sublimation, you can create 287 00:17:53,600 --> 00:17:57,359 Speaker 1: something with it. You can use it as motivation, find it, 288 00:17:57,480 --> 00:18:01,080 Speaker 1: like find a positive way to process that feeling. You 289 00:18:01,119 --> 00:18:04,080 Speaker 1: can adopt the stoic approach, which is I'm just gonna 290 00:18:04,119 --> 00:18:08,040 Speaker 1: let this emotion wash over me without needing to reach 291 00:18:08,080 --> 00:18:10,399 Speaker 1: out and touch it. Or you can listen to the 292 00:18:10,440 --> 00:18:14,680 Speaker 1: impulse and you can explode. You can inevitably say things 293 00:18:14,680 --> 00:18:17,879 Speaker 1: you don't mean. You can lash out, you can burn 294 00:18:17,960 --> 00:18:20,359 Speaker 1: the fucking world down, and that might feel great in 295 00:18:20,400 --> 00:18:23,159 Speaker 1: the moment, but then you're kind of just left with 296 00:18:23,240 --> 00:18:26,200 Speaker 1: the remains there. You're left with a lot of burnt bridges, 297 00:18:26,880 --> 00:18:29,119 Speaker 1: and there's not much more to make of it. So 298 00:18:29,560 --> 00:18:31,760 Speaker 1: I think option one and two are our best bet, 299 00:18:31,960 --> 00:18:34,679 Speaker 1: but sometimes it's hard to get there, especially when anger 300 00:18:34,720 --> 00:18:37,679 Speaker 1: has really ruled you unconsciously for so long. So what 301 00:18:37,800 --> 00:18:40,520 Speaker 1: I want to talk about next is how we can 302 00:18:41,200 --> 00:18:44,600 Speaker 1: honor the emotion whilst also letting it serve us. So 303 00:18:44,720 --> 00:18:53,760 Speaker 1: all of that and more after this shortbreak. So the 304 00:18:53,840 --> 00:18:56,840 Speaker 1: two ways we've mentioned for dealing with anger so far 305 00:18:56,920 --> 00:19:01,159 Speaker 1: as by processing and channeling rather than letting it rule you, 306 00:19:01,920 --> 00:19:04,359 Speaker 1: and I want to talk through some specific tips for 307 00:19:04,480 --> 00:19:08,520 Speaker 1: doing so. Firstly, once again I want to clarify anger 308 00:19:08,560 --> 00:19:11,040 Speaker 1: is not an emotion to be avoided by any means. 309 00:19:11,440 --> 00:19:14,080 Speaker 1: It is good that you feel angry sometimes it shows 310 00:19:14,080 --> 00:19:16,560 Speaker 1: that you have boundaries, It shows that you have a 311 00:19:16,600 --> 00:19:20,679 Speaker 1: sense of injustice, It shows that you are protective of yourself, 312 00:19:21,000 --> 00:19:24,360 Speaker 1: and I actually think that's really really important. I also 313 00:19:24,440 --> 00:19:27,000 Speaker 1: think when we ignore anger, when we suppress it, obviously 314 00:19:27,000 --> 00:19:30,639 Speaker 1: we can explode YadA, YadA, yadda. But it also maybe 315 00:19:30,680 --> 00:19:33,520 Speaker 1: indicates that somewhere along the way you were taught that 316 00:19:34,080 --> 00:19:39,159 Speaker 1: to experience and show all your emotions was shameful. And 317 00:19:39,800 --> 00:19:43,040 Speaker 1: I think that the shame around emotions is one of 318 00:19:43,080 --> 00:19:46,880 Speaker 1: those kind of generational patterns and things that we are 319 00:19:46,920 --> 00:19:50,800 Speaker 1: taught by our parents that we need to unlearn. So 320 00:19:51,359 --> 00:19:55,040 Speaker 1: here's how we're going to go about it instead. Firstly, 321 00:19:55,800 --> 00:20:00,680 Speaker 1: when you are feeling this rage for any reason, avoid 322 00:20:00,800 --> 00:20:05,160 Speaker 1: what we like to call the catharsis myth. So asis 323 00:20:05,320 --> 00:20:08,639 Speaker 1: is this thing that provides release. It is this like 324 00:20:09,200 --> 00:20:12,879 Speaker 1: huge explosion of energy that makes us feel a lot better. 325 00:20:13,440 --> 00:20:15,320 Speaker 1: When we talk about anger, a lot of people talk 326 00:20:15,359 --> 00:20:19,440 Speaker 1: about venting, talk about ranting as a way to kind 327 00:20:19,480 --> 00:20:24,719 Speaker 1: of like release their anger effectively. They think about it 328 00:20:24,760 --> 00:20:27,320 Speaker 1: as like turning the tap on and just like letting 329 00:20:27,359 --> 00:20:30,520 Speaker 1: out some of the pressure. But a psychologist that I 330 00:20:30,640 --> 00:20:33,120 Speaker 1: was reading into about this put it very well. When 331 00:20:33,160 --> 00:20:36,159 Speaker 1: you vent your anger or blow off steam, when you 332 00:20:36,200 --> 00:20:40,320 Speaker 1: are screaming, when you're like really mad, when you're just 333 00:20:40,359 --> 00:20:43,679 Speaker 1: having this huge vent to your friend, it actually keeps 334 00:20:44,320 --> 00:20:49,160 Speaker 1: our arousal levels really high. Have you ever like had 335 00:20:49,200 --> 00:20:51,320 Speaker 1: a moment where someone has done something that has made 336 00:20:51,320 --> 00:20:54,720 Speaker 1: you so angry and you've walked away from it, you've 337 00:20:54,800 --> 00:20:56,640 Speaker 1: kind of thought about it, and then a few days 338 00:20:56,720 --> 00:21:00,280 Speaker 1: later your friend's like, hey, remember when that per and 339 00:21:00,320 --> 00:21:04,040 Speaker 1: did that thing, and it just makes you feel angry afterwards, 340 00:21:04,040 --> 00:21:06,240 Speaker 1: when you talk about it with them, you think that 341 00:21:06,280 --> 00:21:08,520 Speaker 1: it's going to make you feel better. I actually don't 342 00:21:08,560 --> 00:21:11,600 Speaker 1: think it really does. It's like using gasoline to put 343 00:21:11,600 --> 00:21:14,600 Speaker 1: out a fire. It just doesn't work. And I know 344 00:21:14,720 --> 00:21:19,280 Speaker 1: that that advice feels counterintuitive because we feel like when 345 00:21:19,280 --> 00:21:22,960 Speaker 1: we're venting, when we're ranting, that we're doing something about 346 00:21:22,960 --> 00:21:27,239 Speaker 1: this feeling, and therefore that we're processing it. However, I 347 00:21:27,280 --> 00:21:31,080 Speaker 1: think there are more sustainable ways of going about it 348 00:21:31,119 --> 00:21:35,840 Speaker 1: that don't keep us in such a state of active anger. 349 00:21:37,119 --> 00:21:40,399 Speaker 1: Like there's ways that we can exhaust the feeling. Is 350 00:21:40,400 --> 00:21:43,600 Speaker 1: probably a better way of putting it rather than continuing 351 00:21:43,640 --> 00:21:48,240 Speaker 1: to exacerbate it or accelerating it. So exercise is great, 352 00:21:49,000 --> 00:21:54,360 Speaker 1: particularly something cardiofocused, but I've also found boxing incredibly useful. 353 00:21:54,920 --> 00:21:57,439 Speaker 1: I think that although it can still increase arousal in 354 00:21:57,480 --> 00:22:01,040 Speaker 1: the moment, it also exhausts me afterwards. And you know, 355 00:22:01,119 --> 00:22:04,159 Speaker 1: therapy is great and all, but something really does have 356 00:22:04,200 --> 00:22:05,880 Speaker 1: to be said about just hitting a bag for an 357 00:22:05,880 --> 00:22:09,359 Speaker 1: hour and leaving being like super sweaty and just feeling 358 00:22:09,440 --> 00:22:13,800 Speaker 1: like this, all of this like emotion and feeling that 359 00:22:13,920 --> 00:22:17,040 Speaker 1: was buzzing in your body has has a place to land. 360 00:22:17,840 --> 00:22:22,199 Speaker 1: There's also this technique I have for processing rage and 361 00:22:22,280 --> 00:22:25,600 Speaker 1: actually a bunch of emotions, and I call it crazy dance. 362 00:22:25,640 --> 00:22:28,320 Speaker 1: And I've talked about this before on the show, and 363 00:22:28,359 --> 00:22:30,480 Speaker 1: it's what it sounds like. I want you to just 364 00:22:30,520 --> 00:22:34,879 Speaker 1: put on your headphones and just go absolutely wild, let loose. 365 00:22:34,960 --> 00:22:36,720 Speaker 1: I don't want it to look good. I don't want 366 00:22:36,720 --> 00:22:38,720 Speaker 1: it to be a cool dance. I want it to 367 00:22:38,760 --> 00:22:42,639 Speaker 1: be the most energetic crazy dance you can think of. 368 00:22:43,359 --> 00:22:47,080 Speaker 1: Legs moving, arms moving, body twisting. This acts as a 369 00:22:47,119 --> 00:22:51,000 Speaker 1: form of somatic therapy where we are able to release damaging, 370 00:22:51,119 --> 00:22:54,639 Speaker 1: pent up emotions using our bodies, and that is the 371 00:22:54,640 --> 00:22:57,840 Speaker 1: place where they're often stored. Right. So I want you 372 00:22:57,960 --> 00:23:01,320 Speaker 1: before and after to notice how your body feels, and 373 00:23:01,359 --> 00:23:03,639 Speaker 1: then where you've been holding stress. No, maybe you have 374 00:23:03,680 --> 00:23:07,520 Speaker 1: like muscle tension or pain. And afterwards I want you 375 00:23:07,560 --> 00:23:11,520 Speaker 1: to notice whether those parts have experienced a sense of relief, 376 00:23:12,119 --> 00:23:16,160 Speaker 1: whether there has been some kind of release in those muscles, 377 00:23:16,560 --> 00:23:20,119 Speaker 1: in those parts of your body. I think it works 378 00:23:20,160 --> 00:23:23,520 Speaker 1: in so many situations. Another way to go about it 379 00:23:23,560 --> 00:23:26,720 Speaker 1: is make sure that before you address your anger, you 380 00:23:26,920 --> 00:23:30,439 Speaker 1: calm your body by giving it enough oxygen. If you 381 00:23:30,480 --> 00:23:33,639 Speaker 1: think about it, when we're really really frustrated and upset, 382 00:23:34,000 --> 00:23:37,680 Speaker 1: our breathing gets a lot deeper, a lot faster, sorry, 383 00:23:37,720 --> 00:23:41,560 Speaker 1: a lot faster, and when it's really fast, like like this, 384 00:23:41,760 --> 00:23:46,000 Speaker 1: you're not taking in that much oxygen. When our brain 385 00:23:46,119 --> 00:23:48,760 Speaker 1: is low on oxygen, our thinking becomes a little bit 386 00:23:48,800 --> 00:23:52,000 Speaker 1: more like disturbed. It becomes a lot slower, And breathing 387 00:23:52,040 --> 00:23:54,960 Speaker 1: exercises are a way to firstly help us calm down, 388 00:23:55,359 --> 00:23:57,840 Speaker 1: but also get that oxygen back into our brain to 389 00:23:57,880 --> 00:24:01,520 Speaker 1: make a smart, informed decision. I know we hear a 390 00:24:01,520 --> 00:24:05,439 Speaker 1: lot about breathing exercises in therapy and in psychology, and 391 00:24:05,440 --> 00:24:07,439 Speaker 1: if you go to therapy you might it's like one 392 00:24:07,480 --> 00:24:10,760 Speaker 1: of those staples in a therapist toolkit. That and like 393 00:24:10,920 --> 00:24:13,840 Speaker 1: meditation and mindfulness. And sometimes when we hear about those 394 00:24:13,840 --> 00:24:16,840 Speaker 1: things too much, we discredit it. We think it doesn't work, 395 00:24:17,160 --> 00:24:19,280 Speaker 1: But it does. The science says that it does, and 396 00:24:19,359 --> 00:24:23,480 Speaker 1: it really helps in these situations. So deliberately practicing like 397 00:24:23,520 --> 00:24:27,760 Speaker 1: a relaxed breathing pattern, so breathing in for eight, holding 398 00:24:27,800 --> 00:24:31,120 Speaker 1: for four, breathing out for eight, it brings a lot 399 00:24:31,119 --> 00:24:35,119 Speaker 1: of our involuntary functions like our breathing under control. And 400 00:24:35,200 --> 00:24:38,200 Speaker 1: it shows us that other things we think are out 401 00:24:38,240 --> 00:24:41,800 Speaker 1: of our control, like anger, are actually something that we 402 00:24:41,920 --> 00:24:46,639 Speaker 1: have a say over, that we can almost operate and 403 00:24:47,359 --> 00:24:53,040 Speaker 1: move and have some decision making over. So control breathing 404 00:24:53,119 --> 00:24:57,359 Speaker 1: really can cause quite profound physiological changes. It lowers our 405 00:24:57,400 --> 00:25:00,880 Speaker 1: blood pressure, lowers our heart rate, it reduces stress levels 406 00:25:01,200 --> 00:25:03,600 Speaker 1: and levels of stress hormones in the blood, so all 407 00:25:03,600 --> 00:25:05,080 Speaker 1: of which I think is a really good start to 408 00:25:05,160 --> 00:25:08,879 Speaker 1: processing anger in whatever form you choose to. My favorite 409 00:25:08,920 --> 00:25:13,720 Speaker 1: form though, is through creative channeling. So creative channeling is 410 00:25:13,720 --> 00:25:17,439 Speaker 1: where you take your anger and you make something with it. 411 00:25:17,440 --> 00:25:22,400 Speaker 1: It helps us place our anger, express our anger, and 412 00:25:22,560 --> 00:25:26,200 Speaker 1: make it tangible. It takes us, you know, it takes 413 00:25:26,200 --> 00:25:30,320 Speaker 1: that emotion out of our mind and onto the page, 414 00:25:30,400 --> 00:25:32,560 Speaker 1: like if we're making a piece of art or a 415 00:25:32,640 --> 00:25:36,639 Speaker 1: sculpture or anything of a sort. It really allows us 416 00:25:36,680 --> 00:25:39,120 Speaker 1: to see this emotion as something that isn't just held 417 00:25:39,200 --> 00:25:41,720 Speaker 1: up in our brain, but has a place in the world, 418 00:25:42,000 --> 00:25:46,040 Speaker 1: a recognizable place outside of our body. Additionally, I think 419 00:25:46,080 --> 00:25:48,840 Speaker 1: when we're like partaking in something creative, it helps us 420 00:25:48,960 --> 00:25:51,840 Speaker 1: enter into a flow state. A flow state is this 421 00:25:51,960 --> 00:25:54,160 Speaker 1: kind of state of mind where we aren't so much 422 00:25:54,160 --> 00:25:57,520 Speaker 1: focused on what's bothering us, just the task at hand. 423 00:25:57,600 --> 00:26:00,800 Speaker 1: We feel really fulfilled by it, we feel really excited 424 00:26:00,800 --> 00:26:03,960 Speaker 1: by it, challenged by it, but also just extremely focused. 425 00:26:04,520 --> 00:26:07,159 Speaker 1: And it actually is amazing because whilst you're in a 426 00:26:07,160 --> 00:26:10,560 Speaker 1: flow state, it's really hard to think about more than 427 00:26:10,600 --> 00:26:14,000 Speaker 1: one thing. And so you come back from practicing this 428 00:26:14,119 --> 00:26:17,919 Speaker 1: creative exercise, from making something with not only a fresh 429 00:26:18,080 --> 00:26:20,440 Speaker 1: set of eyes, but with kind of like a renewed 430 00:26:20,800 --> 00:26:24,120 Speaker 1: sense of peace and a renewed sense of calm. This 431 00:26:24,200 --> 00:26:26,480 Speaker 1: mainly focuses on how you can manage your anger on 432 00:26:26,520 --> 00:26:29,719 Speaker 1: an individual level, but obviously someone has given us a 433 00:26:29,720 --> 00:26:32,760 Speaker 1: reason to feel angry, and I'm not just not saying 434 00:26:32,800 --> 00:26:36,000 Speaker 1: that in a way like that we should be endorsing blame. 435 00:26:36,240 --> 00:26:40,080 Speaker 1: But anger is often environmental, something has triggered it, and 436 00:26:40,160 --> 00:26:43,280 Speaker 1: so our reaction is also probably going to be environmental 437 00:26:43,359 --> 00:26:47,919 Speaker 1: or external or interpersonal as well. Here are some tips 438 00:26:47,960 --> 00:26:51,320 Speaker 1: for managing that, because we know anger does a lot 439 00:26:51,320 --> 00:26:55,439 Speaker 1: of damage when we don't have control over it. It 440 00:26:55,600 --> 00:26:58,119 Speaker 1: causes us to just do so many things that we 441 00:26:58,119 --> 00:27:01,199 Speaker 1: wouldn't normally do, often the expense of the people that 442 00:27:01,240 --> 00:27:03,919 Speaker 1: are closest to us. They are the closest to the epicenter, 443 00:27:04,359 --> 00:27:07,280 Speaker 1: They get the most kind of heat from this feeling. 444 00:27:07,400 --> 00:27:10,280 Speaker 1: So when you are processing your anger, when you feel rage, 445 00:27:10,640 --> 00:27:15,520 Speaker 1: avoid projecting, avoid displacing. As frou would say, I think 446 00:27:15,560 --> 00:27:20,240 Speaker 1: you need to acknowledge when you have allowed someone else 447 00:27:20,240 --> 00:27:21,959 Speaker 1: to be the target of your anger when they are 448 00:27:21,960 --> 00:27:25,200 Speaker 1: not the source. For example, you've come home like a 449 00:27:25,240 --> 00:27:27,480 Speaker 1: really rough day at work where people have just been 450 00:27:27,480 --> 00:27:30,879 Speaker 1: super rude, and you just snap at your partner and 451 00:27:30,920 --> 00:27:33,119 Speaker 1: it's not fair because and it's probably not fair to 452 00:27:33,160 --> 00:27:35,919 Speaker 1: snap at anyone really, but it's definitely not fair to 453 00:27:35,960 --> 00:27:38,440 Speaker 1: snap at this person who probably doesn't know what's going 454 00:27:38,480 --> 00:27:41,840 Speaker 1: on and is just wanting to make you happy and 455 00:27:41,920 --> 00:27:45,080 Speaker 1: just wanting to see you happy as well. And I 456 00:27:45,080 --> 00:27:47,199 Speaker 1: think it's easy to project onto those people because we 457 00:27:47,280 --> 00:27:49,080 Speaker 1: know that we kind of know that they're going to 458 00:27:49,160 --> 00:27:51,000 Speaker 1: take it in a way the way that we can't 459 00:27:51,040 --> 00:27:53,960 Speaker 1: snap at a stranger. But once again, they're not just 460 00:27:54,040 --> 00:27:56,439 Speaker 1: having and it will do harm to your relationships. So 461 00:27:56,960 --> 00:28:02,919 Speaker 1: in those moments, recognize Itologize to that person and explain why, 462 00:28:03,359 --> 00:28:07,600 Speaker 1: talk about why it is that you came into an argue, 463 00:28:07,640 --> 00:28:10,600 Speaker 1: that you came into a situation or a room or 464 00:28:10,920 --> 00:28:14,800 Speaker 1: an interaction feeling that rage, and make sure they know 465 00:28:15,560 --> 00:28:18,240 Speaker 1: what part of it may have been because of them, 466 00:28:18,320 --> 00:28:20,520 Speaker 1: or what part of it really wasn't to do with them, 467 00:28:20,600 --> 00:28:23,119 Speaker 1: so that they're not sitting there waiting for you to 468 00:28:23,200 --> 00:28:27,120 Speaker 1: just blow up, that they're not having an anxious reaction 469 00:28:27,440 --> 00:28:31,359 Speaker 1: to your feelings of rage. There's a strategy used in 470 00:28:31,400 --> 00:28:34,520 Speaker 1: anger management called the thirty thirty intervention that I think 471 00:28:34,600 --> 00:28:38,320 Speaker 1: is a really good and useful strategy for those moments 472 00:28:38,360 --> 00:28:40,920 Speaker 1: when you do displace your anger onto someone who doesn't 473 00:28:40,920 --> 00:28:42,800 Speaker 1: deserve it, or when you've just had a really rough 474 00:28:42,880 --> 00:28:47,000 Speaker 1: day and you know that this passion and this feeling 475 00:28:47,080 --> 00:28:51,440 Speaker 1: is really building up, So take thirty seconds to remove 476 00:28:51,440 --> 00:28:55,520 Speaker 1: yourself from a situation that maybe frustrating you. Thirty seconds 477 00:28:55,560 --> 00:28:59,480 Speaker 1: to do something else, particularly something with your hands, because 478 00:28:59,520 --> 00:29:03,400 Speaker 1: it shows our brain that we're doing something about this problem, 479 00:29:03,480 --> 00:29:06,760 Speaker 1: this problem emotion that we're having, or something physical to 480 00:29:06,840 --> 00:29:10,400 Speaker 1: release that bodily tension, and then thirty seconds to create 481 00:29:10,440 --> 00:29:14,240 Speaker 1: a coping strategy. Maybe that coping strategy will be all right. 482 00:29:14,280 --> 00:29:16,280 Speaker 1: I need a few more minutes to on a walk, 483 00:29:16,440 --> 00:29:19,640 Speaker 1: or I'm going to write down exactly why I'm upset. 484 00:29:19,680 --> 00:29:21,400 Speaker 1: I'm going to journal about this, and then I'm going 485 00:29:21,440 --> 00:29:23,080 Speaker 1: to come back to this person and we can talk 486 00:29:23,120 --> 00:29:27,600 Speaker 1: about it. I also say all the time, let people 487 00:29:27,680 --> 00:29:33,760 Speaker 1: make mistakes. Don't let other people always be the source 488 00:29:33,800 --> 00:29:37,000 Speaker 1: of your anger because they don't meet your expectations and 489 00:29:37,080 --> 00:29:41,880 Speaker 1: because you are lowering your threshold for their behavior. I'm 490 00:29:41,880 --> 00:29:43,760 Speaker 1: going to explain that a little bit more. But sometimes 491 00:29:43,760 --> 00:29:47,160 Speaker 1: I think we become angry because we have false expectations 492 00:29:47,160 --> 00:29:50,160 Speaker 1: about other people, and when they don't meet them, we 493 00:29:50,280 --> 00:29:53,360 Speaker 1: blame them rather than blaming ourselves for not being honest 494 00:29:53,360 --> 00:29:56,240 Speaker 1: about what we can expect from someone. The same way 495 00:29:56,280 --> 00:29:59,360 Speaker 1: that you're allowed to make mistakes and be your own person, 496 00:30:00,440 --> 00:30:02,880 Speaker 1: these people are allowed that as well. And I think 497 00:30:03,000 --> 00:30:06,440 Speaker 1: that our angest comes from a sense of like reality, 498 00:30:06,480 --> 00:30:10,000 Speaker 1: the reality we want not matching up with kind of 499 00:30:10,640 --> 00:30:13,840 Speaker 1: what is actually going to happen. And sometimes that's fair 500 00:30:13,880 --> 00:30:16,760 Speaker 1: to be angry about, right, Like the reality is you've 501 00:30:16,800 --> 00:30:19,080 Speaker 1: expect everyone around you to be really, really nice and 502 00:30:19,160 --> 00:30:21,400 Speaker 1: kind and someone isn't. That makes you angry. But if 503 00:30:21,400 --> 00:30:24,040 Speaker 1: the reality is, oh, I expect my partner to have 504 00:30:24,080 --> 00:30:27,480 Speaker 1: done like every single chore in the household, even though 505 00:30:27,880 --> 00:30:30,720 Speaker 1: he also works full time, and you come back and 506 00:30:30,760 --> 00:30:32,640 Speaker 1: he's just gotten home before you and he hasn't done that, 507 00:30:32,720 --> 00:30:35,680 Speaker 1: and reality doesn't meet you know, blah blah blah. They 508 00:30:35,680 --> 00:30:37,440 Speaker 1: don't think it's fair in those times to be angry. 509 00:30:37,920 --> 00:30:43,480 Speaker 1: Let other people make mistakes. And also when you're really 510 00:30:43,520 --> 00:30:47,479 Speaker 1: frustrated about something, when you really feel like something is 511 00:30:47,560 --> 00:30:49,760 Speaker 1: so hard to like go of, you're so filled with 512 00:30:49,960 --> 00:30:53,920 Speaker 1: rage that it's not going anywhere, don't say you're over 513 00:30:54,000 --> 00:30:57,440 Speaker 1: it when you're not. Don't pretend that you are fine. 514 00:30:57,920 --> 00:31:02,680 Speaker 1: That is just another form of suppression, and it is 515 00:31:02,760 --> 00:31:06,720 Speaker 1: going to come up later. I think a lot of 516 00:31:06,760 --> 00:31:09,840 Speaker 1: the time we really want to be forgiving, and we 517 00:31:09,880 --> 00:31:13,520 Speaker 1: want to pretend that the emotion just isn't there because 518 00:31:13,520 --> 00:31:16,560 Speaker 1: it is so uncomfortable to feel, and we hear it 519 00:31:16,600 --> 00:31:19,440 Speaker 1: all the time. Someone is really upset by something and 520 00:31:19,440 --> 00:31:21,480 Speaker 1: they go, it's fine, I'm fine, Like, let's move on, 521 00:31:21,520 --> 00:31:24,000 Speaker 1: I don't want to talk about it. No, No, I'm over, 522 00:31:24,120 --> 00:31:26,880 Speaker 1: I'm over. I forgive you. It's very easy to say 523 00:31:26,880 --> 00:31:29,200 Speaker 1: those words as well if you're a people pleaser and 524 00:31:29,240 --> 00:31:31,920 Speaker 1: if you feel like your anger is not justified. But 525 00:31:31,960 --> 00:31:37,000 Speaker 1: this is your reminder that really take that closing of 526 00:31:37,040 --> 00:31:39,520 Speaker 1: the feeling, that closing of the trigger, that closing or 527 00:31:39,560 --> 00:31:42,720 Speaker 1: whatever is caused your anger. Make sure you take the 528 00:31:42,760 --> 00:31:45,320 Speaker 1: closing of that chapter seriously. Don't close it too soon, 529 00:31:45,360 --> 00:31:48,200 Speaker 1: don't close it prematurely, because it will bubble and it 530 00:31:48,200 --> 00:31:51,680 Speaker 1: will fester and it will come up at the worst time. Finally, 531 00:31:51,720 --> 00:31:54,800 Speaker 1: if there is a particular person you are upsetter, practice 532 00:31:54,920 --> 00:32:01,200 Speaker 1: both assertive communication but also practice calm communication. Have you 533 00:32:01,240 --> 00:32:05,120 Speaker 1: ever had those moments where you know that a friend 534 00:32:05,200 --> 00:32:06,800 Speaker 1: is mad at you, or you know that you've done 535 00:32:06,800 --> 00:32:10,520 Speaker 1: something to upset someone and you go into the conversation 536 00:32:10,640 --> 00:32:14,840 Speaker 1: and you're just immediately defensive and you're immediately really upset 537 00:32:15,040 --> 00:32:19,080 Speaker 1: and you're immediately angry, or they're immediately angry. It is 538 00:32:19,120 --> 00:32:23,280 Speaker 1: so hard to ever resolve something when we come to 539 00:32:23,960 --> 00:32:28,280 Speaker 1: the table with this primal emotion at the forefront, rather 540 00:32:28,320 --> 00:32:31,880 Speaker 1: than like we said in the passenger seat. So think 541 00:32:31,960 --> 00:32:35,320 Speaker 1: through your initial reaction, the first thing you want to do, 542 00:32:35,800 --> 00:32:39,520 Speaker 1: and then sleep on it. It will always feel better 543 00:32:39,560 --> 00:32:42,800 Speaker 1: in the morning, and maybe you will have thought again 544 00:32:42,840 --> 00:32:45,240 Speaker 1: about burning the whole world down. Take a step back 545 00:32:45,280 --> 00:32:47,280 Speaker 1: from what you from the first thing that you want 546 00:32:47,280 --> 00:32:50,000 Speaker 1: to do in response to your anger, and make sure 547 00:32:50,120 --> 00:32:54,720 Speaker 1: you are expressing what you need in an assertive, yet 548 00:32:54,920 --> 00:33:00,640 Speaker 1: calm way. I often find this difficult when people are like, 549 00:33:00,800 --> 00:33:04,959 Speaker 1: oh my gosh, you're so angry, like you're overreacting, Like 550 00:33:05,040 --> 00:33:10,240 Speaker 1: women especially, you're so emotional. You're allowed to have this feeling, right. 551 00:33:10,440 --> 00:33:12,760 Speaker 1: I'm not saying that you need to be like calm 552 00:33:12,800 --> 00:33:15,200 Speaker 1: about it for them. I'm saying you need to be 553 00:33:15,240 --> 00:33:17,880 Speaker 1: calm about it for you, calm about it for you, 554 00:33:18,240 --> 00:33:21,200 Speaker 1: because you're able to go in with a really clear 555 00:33:21,240 --> 00:33:24,360 Speaker 1: way of addressing what you need, a really clear way 556 00:33:24,520 --> 00:33:27,680 Speaker 1: of trying at least to show them why you feel 557 00:33:27,720 --> 00:33:30,600 Speaker 1: this way, why you feel like a boundary has been crossed, 558 00:33:30,640 --> 00:33:33,560 Speaker 1: why you feel angry. I hate when people have their 559 00:33:33,560 --> 00:33:37,320 Speaker 1: reality kind of discredited because they are emotional. When that 560 00:33:37,480 --> 00:33:39,480 Speaker 1: is like literally the thing that we've been talking about 561 00:33:39,520 --> 00:33:42,920 Speaker 1: this entire episode. This emotion is not shameful, it is 562 00:33:42,960 --> 00:33:44,840 Speaker 1: not bad, but it is bad when you let it 563 00:33:44,880 --> 00:33:48,880 Speaker 1: do things that hurt others deliberately, that hurt others without 564 00:33:49,240 --> 00:33:52,280 Speaker 1: a second thought to it, or that make it so 565 00:33:52,440 --> 00:33:55,640 Speaker 1: you can't actually get what you need out of a situation. 566 00:33:56,360 --> 00:34:00,120 Speaker 1: So I think it's really important here to have a 567 00:34:00,200 --> 00:34:03,400 Speaker 1: healthy relationship with anger and how it is expressed to 568 00:34:03,440 --> 00:34:06,200 Speaker 1: other people so that it can I think, be a 569 00:34:06,240 --> 00:34:10,560 Speaker 1: tool rather than an obstacle, and that in other situations 570 00:34:10,600 --> 00:34:14,640 Speaker 1: it can really help motivate change. It can help motivate 571 00:34:14,719 --> 00:34:17,880 Speaker 1: progress towards a better understanding between you and someone else 572 00:34:18,320 --> 00:34:22,560 Speaker 1: or a better outcome. So some final reminders, it is 573 00:34:22,600 --> 00:34:26,000 Speaker 1: totally okay to feel angry. It's telling you something. It 574 00:34:26,080 --> 00:34:29,799 Speaker 1: is just a sign of something you don't always need 575 00:34:29,840 --> 00:34:34,520 Speaker 1: to forgive. You don't always need to have an answer 576 00:34:34,600 --> 00:34:37,960 Speaker 1: to your anger. But you can't suppress it. You have 577 00:34:38,040 --> 00:34:41,880 Speaker 1: to find a way to either process it through communication, 578 00:34:42,960 --> 00:34:47,960 Speaker 1: through talking it out, through the thirty thirty intervention, or 579 00:34:48,400 --> 00:34:53,399 Speaker 1: channeling it. Finding how you can find a medium or 580 00:34:53,640 --> 00:34:57,319 Speaker 1: an outlet for this anger instead of letting it sit 581 00:34:57,520 --> 00:35:00,440 Speaker 1: in the body. I think you are not an angry 582 00:35:00,560 --> 00:35:04,000 Speaker 1: person just because someone has crossed your boundaries or repeatedly 583 00:35:04,000 --> 00:35:08,400 Speaker 1: crossed your boundaries. You're not an angry person because society 584 00:35:08,560 --> 00:35:10,840 Speaker 1: and your parents, and your family and everyone around you 585 00:35:11,440 --> 00:35:13,480 Speaker 1: has told you to hold onto that anger and not 586 00:35:13,560 --> 00:35:16,480 Speaker 1: let it go, has told you to be polite and suppressive. 587 00:35:16,960 --> 00:35:19,960 Speaker 1: There are a lot of positive ways that this emotion 588 00:35:20,160 --> 00:35:23,480 Speaker 1: can help us. It can help us in our relationships, 589 00:35:23,480 --> 00:35:26,480 Speaker 1: in our careers, in our lives in general. So I 590 00:35:26,520 --> 00:35:29,239 Speaker 1: hope this episode has helped you, especially if you have 591 00:35:29,280 --> 00:35:32,200 Speaker 1: a long term relationship with anger. I hope that it's 592 00:35:32,280 --> 00:35:36,319 Speaker 1: at least taught you something new, that you've learned something 593 00:35:36,320 --> 00:35:39,399 Speaker 1: about yourself or about the psychology. I found it really 594 00:35:39,400 --> 00:35:41,840 Speaker 1: fascinating because I think about anger a lot, and I 595 00:35:41,880 --> 00:35:44,440 Speaker 1: think about anger in my life and anger in my 596 00:35:44,520 --> 00:35:48,480 Speaker 1: family's life, and you know, sometimes it's like very easy 597 00:35:48,520 --> 00:35:50,520 Speaker 1: to just hide from it, and it's very easy to 598 00:35:50,560 --> 00:35:53,400 Speaker 1: go off and rant. But I've found that that doesn't 599 00:35:53,400 --> 00:35:57,400 Speaker 1: always leave me actually feeling better. So hopefully you've taken 600 00:35:57,440 --> 00:35:59,880 Speaker 1: that with you as well as always, if you've been 601 00:36:00,040 --> 00:36:02,640 Speaker 1: joy this episode. Please feel free to leave a five 602 00:36:02,719 --> 00:36:06,600 Speaker 1: star review on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, wherever you are listening 603 00:36:06,680 --> 00:36:08,719 Speaker 1: right now. Make sure you give us a follow on 604 00:36:08,760 --> 00:36:12,680 Speaker 1: Instagram at that Psychology podcast, especially if you have an 605 00:36:12,719 --> 00:36:15,279 Speaker 1: episode suggestion or something that you want to say about 606 00:36:15,280 --> 00:36:17,799 Speaker 1: this episode. I would love to hear from you. We're 607 00:36:17,840 --> 00:36:22,759 Speaker 1: always taking ideas and feedback and make sure you're just 608 00:36:22,800 --> 00:36:24,960 Speaker 1: having a good time. I don't know where else going 609 00:36:25,000 --> 00:36:27,560 Speaker 1: with that, but make sure you're happy. Here's like a 610 00:36:27,560 --> 00:36:31,200 Speaker 1: little reminder to just take a second right now, ask yourself, 611 00:36:31,280 --> 00:36:33,160 Speaker 1: Am I happy? What could I do about it if 612 00:36:33,200 --> 00:36:35,920 Speaker 1: I'm not? That's a beautiful way to end the episode. 613 00:36:36,200 --> 00:36:38,920 Speaker 1: Hopefully we will see you back here next week with 614 00:36:39,040 --> 00:36:40,920 Speaker 1: another one.