Speaker 1: These are the nine things you need to know about love.
Speaker 1: The Number one health and Wellness podcast Jay Sety Jay
Speaker 1: Sety s Hey everyone, thanks so much for tuning back
Speaker 1: into on Purpose. I appreciate it so much. Today we're
Speaker 1: diving into one of the most important topics in all
Speaker 1: of our lives love and love isn't just about romantic relationships.
Speaker 1: It's about understanding ourselves, building meaningful connections, and growing into
Speaker 1: the best versions of who we are. So in this
Speaker 1: special compilation episode, I've gathered wisdom from some of the
Speaker 1: best minds out there to help you navigate love with
Speaker 1: more clarity, confidence, and purpose. Number One, how do we
Speaker 1: know if someone is wasting our time, whether it's a
Speaker 1: relationship that feels stagnant or a connection that just doesn't
Speaker 1: seem to be going anywhere. We need to recognize the
Speaker 1: signs to break it down. For us, we have Stefan Speaks,
Speaker 1: relationship coach, speaker, and best selling author. He's helped millions
Speaker 1: navigate love with honesty and self awareness. Let's hear what
Speaker 1: he has to say.
Speaker 2: So to me again, I think it always starts withself,
Speaker 2: and you have to be honest with yourself about why
Speaker 2: are you still here, why are you holding on what's
Speaker 2: really driving you? Because, just using an example, let's say
Speaker 2: you're a woman and the only reason why you're holding
Speaker 2: onto his guys because he's a nice guy. You don't
Speaker 2: feel like starting the process over with somebody else. So
Speaker 2: even though you're not feeling it with him, you figure,
Speaker 2: let me try to make it work. You're wasting your time.
Speaker 2: This is where you're setting yourself up a disaster every
Speaker 2: single time. So if it's not born out of a
Speaker 2: true connection love, a genuine desire, you really like this individual.
Speaker 2: Of course, there's always things we have to work through,
Speaker 2: but is the foundation strong enough for us to say, okay,
Speaker 2: we can make something special here? And I think once
Speaker 2: we are honest with ourselves, that kind of helps answer
Speaker 2: the question. Because sometimes we get so caught up trying
Speaker 2: to analyze the other individual that it's like we get
Speaker 2: in our heads and now we're missing the mark on
Speaker 2: what's really important here, and we can't always say for
Speaker 2: sure what's going on with them. I will say that
Speaker 2: in general, if this person isn't willing to talk about things,
Speaker 2: they're wasting your time. If they're not willing to address
Speaker 2: or correct things that have been talked about they're wasting
Speaker 2: your time if you guys aren't on the same page
Speaker 2: about what you want and where you want to go
Speaker 2: in life, wasting time. So there are some things I
Speaker 2: think we can just look at and say, listen, this
Speaker 2: is pointless here. But a lot of times, and I
Speaker 2: have to say this, especially for women, women's intuition is
Speaker 2: extremely powerful.
Speaker 3: I'm a huge believer in it, and.
Speaker 2: I feel like women know very early this isn't it,
Speaker 2: but they rationalize reasons to convince themselves to give this
Speaker 2: man a chance. And this again, is a waste of
Speaker 2: time because it just doesn't work. I've seen people will
Speaker 2: turn what should have been maybe a couple weeks of
Speaker 2: dating into years of being married to someone they were
Speaker 2: not happy with, all because they did not listen to
Speaker 2: themselves from the beginning. They knew what it was, but
Speaker 2: they just could not accept it for what it was.
Speaker 1: I mean, I love that it's such an important reminder
Speaker 1: trust your intuition and be honest with yourself. Sometimes we
Speaker 1: overanalyze the other person instead of checking in with our
Speaker 1: own feelings. Now, let's go even deeper. Number two, How
Speaker 1: do we know if what we're feeling is true? Connection?
Speaker 1: Or just chemistry. Stefan explains the difference.
Speaker 2: Are you even being yourself or can you be yourself
Speaker 2: with this individual? If you're presenting your representative, then this
Speaker 2: is not a real connection. This is them falling for
Speaker 2: that person that you're presenting. But that's not real. So
Speaker 2: to me, you should be already being yourself. But with
Speaker 2: that person you have a connection with, it's a more
Speaker 2: natural flow. We don't have to force it. We just
Speaker 2: feel so much more comfortable around them.
Speaker 1: I think.
Speaker 2: In addition to that is when you when you find
Speaker 2: yourself all caught up in the moment and caught up
Speaker 2: in that chemistry again, you have to ask yourself, what
Speaker 2: am I really attaching myself to? What do I really
Speaker 2: like about this individual? What I find is that when
Speaker 2: it's really about chemistry, we're still on the surface. You
Speaker 2: don't really know about them yet. You just know you
Speaker 2: guys had a good time. Maybe you had fun at
Speaker 2: this event. You guys were able to talk about a
Speaker 2: lot of different things, which is great, which is gonna
Speaker 2: also be important if there is a connection. However, do
Speaker 2: you even know what kind relationship they want? Do you
Speaker 2: know kind of life they want to live? You know,
Speaker 2: are you guys really on the same page. I think
Speaker 2: connection is our paths align, our purposes aligned. So for
Speaker 2: us to align, we have to have a deeper understanding
Speaker 2: of where we're headed and can we head there together.
Speaker 2: So that's why I think though you may feel it,
Speaker 2: or you may feel like you're feeling it, you have
Speaker 2: to do your due diligence to dig deeper to find
Speaker 2: out Okay, it's just just I got caught up on
Speaker 2: the surface, or there is something real here. And I
Speaker 2: think once we ask enough questions, because I think that's
Speaker 2: the other big problem.
Speaker 3: We have this.
Speaker 2: Experience where we feel this chemistry, we're so excited, and
Speaker 2: now we're afraid to ask questions because we don't want
Speaker 2: to blow up the fantasy. Yes, you know what I'm saying.
Speaker 2: It's like, no, no, I want to keep believing this is great.
Speaker 2: So let me not ask anything, let me not run
Speaker 2: this personal way, let me not rock the boat. But
Speaker 2: that's gonna be what tells us if this is real
Speaker 2: or not.
Speaker 1: I think for so many people, you set unrealistic expectations
Speaker 1: and who you are yes, and that's hard to come
Speaker 1: back from.
Speaker 2: Absolutely, And that's why it's so important for us to
Speaker 2: know who we are so that we can present the
Speaker 2: real from the jump, you know, because again, a lot
Speaker 2: of times people you know this idea that we're always changing. Yes,
Speaker 2: I do think we're always evolving, but some of the
Speaker 2: big shifts that you see is not because that's just
Speaker 2: the way life is. Is because you did take the
Speaker 2: time to figure yourself out first, and then you got
Speaker 2: with this person and now you want them to adjust. Now,
Speaker 2: thank god for you, she was able to adjust. But
Speaker 2: there's a lot of people that they can't handle that,
Speaker 2: and now everything falls apart from there. And so that's why, Yeah,
Speaker 2: we have to be very careful with what we're presenting
Speaker 2: from the beginning.
Speaker 1: That's pure gold. Chemistry can feel intense, but it doesn't
Speaker 1: always mean long term compatibility. Now, let's shift gears number three.
Speaker 1: Maybe you're single and wondering am I behind? If you've
Speaker 1: ever felt that way, this next guest is for you.
Speaker 1: Lorie Gottlieb is a psychotherapist, author of Maybe You Should
Speaker 1: Talk to Someone, and the relationship expert who's here to
Speaker 1: remind us why being single at twenty eight or any
Speaker 1: age is not a bad thing.
Speaker 4: You are exactly where you need to be if you
Speaker 4: are doing the work. If you're not doing the work,
Speaker 4: you're going to be behind. And what I mean by
Speaker 4: doing the work work is if you are not in
Speaker 4: a place where you want to be with a relationship,
Speaker 4: you have to understand why. So are you examining what
Speaker 4: has not worked yet? Why if I am single and
Speaker 4: I don't want to be single, what can I be
Speaker 4: doing differently? And so I think that's the important work.
Speaker 4: So you're not behind it all. In fact, you're probably
Speaker 4: ahead of people who are in relationships who have not
Speaker 4: done the work and maybe aren't in the right relationship
Speaker 4: or are in a relationship that's not going to last
Speaker 4: or isn't going well.
Speaker 1: Why is it that we struggle to actually do the work?
Speaker 1: What does that look like?
Speaker 4: I think it's so much easier when we talk to
Speaker 4: our friends, and you know, I've talked about the difference
Speaker 4: between idiot compassion and why is compassion before idiot compassion
Speaker 4: is you say to your friend, look what happened on
Speaker 4: this date, or look what happened with this person, and
Speaker 4: they say.
Speaker 3: Yeah, you're right, they're wrong, and.
Speaker 4: We never learn or grow from that right because yes,
Speaker 4: there might be something that the other person did, but
Speaker 4: also what was your role in that interaction? A relationship
Speaker 4: is all about relating, So what was your role in
Speaker 4: the dance that you're doing with this person? And what
Speaker 4: you get in therapy is you get wise compassion where
Speaker 4: we hold up a mirror to you and we help
Speaker 4: you to see something about you, know what your role is,
Speaker 4: maybe something you haven't been willing or able to see.
Speaker 4: But that's so important, So you don't repeat these situations
Speaker 4: where you're in this pattern. And then you wonder, why
Speaker 4: do I keep ending up with a person who doesn't
Speaker 4: listen to me, or a person where I don't feel seen,
Speaker 4: or where I can't be myself, or where we have
Speaker 4: a lot of volatility, or where this person's really avoidant?
Speaker 4: Why am I always with people who avoid or what
Speaker 4: makes me avoid? And I don't talk to the person
Speaker 4: about what I want or what I need. So that's
Speaker 4: the work that's really important. So you're not behind if
Speaker 4: you're single at twenty eight, it's part of the process.
Speaker 4: If you're doing the work, you're much closer than you've
Speaker 4: ever been to finding the person that you want to
Speaker 4: be with.
Speaker 1: I love that perspective. It's not about timelines, it's about
Speaker 1: doing the work, But why do we resist the work?
Speaker 1: Number four? Why is self awareness so hard? Laurie's got
Speaker 1: some powerful insights on how understanding all patterns can help
Speaker 1: us build better relationships.
Speaker 4: We have this saying we marry our unfinished business. We
Speaker 4: date our unfinished business too. So if you, let's say,
Speaker 4: earlier in your life, you are around someone who was neglectful,
Speaker 4: somebody who drank too much, somebody who lost their temper,
Speaker 4: somebody who wasn't honest, somebody who wasn't reliable. We think
Speaker 4: when we're dating as adults, like I want the opposite
Speaker 4: of that. I want someone where I feel safe, secure,
Speaker 4: there's trust. But what happens is unconsciously. Again, if we
Speaker 4: haven't done the work our unfinished business, we actually are unconsciousness.
Speaker 4: Oh you look familiar. Come closer. So on the surface,
Speaker 4: they don't look like that person. But then when you
Speaker 4: get to know them, you're a month in, you're three
Speaker 4: months in, you're six months in, you think, wow, that
Speaker 4: person reminds me of someone. This person feels so familiar,
Speaker 4: and that's why I was drawn to this person. It
Speaker 4: turns out this person is very much like what I
Speaker 4: grew up with, is very much like the person who
Speaker 4: hurt me growing up? So if you do the work,
Speaker 4: you're able to see, oh that person, I see why
Speaker 4: I'm drawn to them, but I'm not drawn to them
Speaker 4: a healthy way. And then if you do even more work,
Speaker 4: you're not even drawn to those people anymore. Now you're
Speaker 4: drawn to healthy people, stable people, flexible people, emotionally generous people,
Speaker 4: people whose values align with yours. That's who you're drawn to.
Speaker 4: So you have to do the work.
Speaker 1: Is there a healthy way of future tripping with the person?
Speaker 1: Is there a collective collaborative future tripping?
Speaker 5: Like?
Speaker 3: What does that look like?
Speaker 4: I think the future tripping is being in the present,
Speaker 4: And what I mean is what's happening now is what
Speaker 4: is going to look like in the future. So instead
Speaker 4: of imagining, oh, this person will change in this way,
Speaker 4: or we're going to have this kind of life, but
Speaker 4: you don't know if the other person wants that kind
Speaker 4: of life. If you're not talking about it now in
Speaker 4: the present, you don't know how does this person treat me?
Speaker 3: Now?
Speaker 4: What is it like when we together? The biggest indicator
Speaker 4: would be we had a disagreement. How did we get
Speaker 4: through it? That's what your future is going to look like.
Speaker 4: We didn't agree on this. We were frustrated with each other.
Speaker 4: We had a difference of opinion. How did we repair
Speaker 4: that rupture? We talk a lot about rupture and repair.
Speaker 4: Everybody's going to have ruptures. You have it with your
Speaker 4: family members, with your friends, with your coworkers, with your parents,
Speaker 4: with your children, especially with your romantic partners, because we
Speaker 4: have this misguided notion that we shouldn't have a rupture
Speaker 4: with them because we're so in love and we see
Speaker 4: each other and we see eye to eye. But of
Speaker 4: course you're going to have ruptures. It's not so much
Speaker 4: whether you're going to have a rupture, it's what do
Speaker 4: you do with it and what does it look like.
Speaker 4: So if you have been dating for let's say six months,
Speaker 4: and you haven't had a rupture, you guys are not
Speaker 4: going deep enough. You guys don't know each other well enough.
Speaker 4: You're still on your best behavior. You have to be
Speaker 4: able to be yourselves. That's going to tell you what
Speaker 4: the future looks like. So stop the pretending. Be yourself,
Speaker 4: Be what you want your future to look like, Act
Speaker 4: like you want your future to look like. See how
Speaker 4: the other person acts, and see what happens between the
Speaker 4: two of you and a repair would look like something like, oh,
Speaker 4: I didn't you know we're having a disagreement right now,
Speaker 4: Why don't we take fifteen minutes and let's come back
Speaker 4: when we're not so heated and let's talk about that.
Speaker 4: Or you know, you made a mistake. You know what
Speaker 4: I've been thinking about this. You know, say you have
Speaker 4: an argument, you say, we're not going to talk for
Speaker 4: a few minutes, let's go cool off.
Speaker 3: Whatever.
Speaker 4: You call them back and you say, you know what
Speaker 4: I thought about it. I was wrong and I'm so sorry.
Speaker 4: Here's what I did, and I wish I had done
Speaker 4: it this way. And that's great if your partner can
Speaker 4: do that, or if you can do that right, and
Speaker 4: then if your partner then can accept that without shaming you,
Speaker 4: if your partner can say, I really appreciate that, and
Speaker 4: I wish that I had reacted differently in this way,
Speaker 4: and how can I be more supportive in those moments.
Speaker 4: That's beautiful, that's your future, but you have to see
Speaker 4: it in the present. You can't imagine what the future
Speaker 4: is going to be. You have to actually live it
Speaker 4: in the present and say, oh, now I know it's
Speaker 4: going to be just like it is right now.
Speaker 1: Now that's a wake up call. Sometimes doing the work
Speaker 1: means facing things we'd rather avoid, but that's the only
Speaker 1: way to grow. Number five, What if we keep attracting
Speaker 1: the same type of relationships over and over? Doctor Joe Despenser, neuroscientist, researcher,
Speaker 1: and expert on rewiring the brain, explains how we can
Speaker 1: break free from those cycles and attract relationships that truly
Speaker 1: align with us.
Speaker 3: Typically, it usually takes a crisis or a disease, or
Speaker 3: a diagnosis, or a trauma, or a loss or a
Speaker 3: betrayal for a person to really decide is this really
Speaker 3: who I want to continue to be? So my message
Speaker 3: is why wait for that right? So, there's nothing wrong
Speaker 3: with saying I want to be in a relationship. I
Speaker 3: want the following things in a relationship from this person
Speaker 3: or what might be my ideal relationship. I think people
Speaker 3: have an image in their mind of what they like,
Speaker 3: or what their type is, or whatever they I don't
Speaker 3: think there's anything wrong with that. But I think what
Speaker 3: people are really looking for is connection and joy. Like
Speaker 3: people should be in a relationship. The reason they should
Speaker 3: be in a relationship is to be overjoyed, to be
Speaker 3: with a person that you're with, right, you want joy
Speaker 3: in your life. For me, it would make sense then
Speaker 3: if the person got very clear on what they wanted,
Speaker 3: then they should start on the journey to become that
Speaker 3: very person. They should really work on being that very
Speaker 3: person that they want. So there would have to be
Speaker 3: some change that they would have to make in order
Speaker 3: to be worthy enough to create a person that they
Speaker 3: would attract in their life. And we cannot attract to
Speaker 3: anything in our life that we feel separate from Trusting
Speaker 3: in a future that you can't see your experience, you
Speaker 3: have to lay down the very thing you use your
Speaker 3: whole life to get what you want to trust that
Speaker 3: something greater could happen. And that's not something that's very easy.
Speaker 3: So I like the idea that it wouldn't happen on
Speaker 3: a date that was from an app. It could happen
Speaker 3: in a bank, It could happen at a seminar, it
Speaker 3: could happen in the grocery store, you know, in a
Speaker 3: way that you least expect, right, And I think that
Speaker 3: when we get to a point where we're so happy
Speaker 3: with ourselves, we're no longer looking because we feel like
Speaker 3: we already have it. I think that's the state where
Speaker 3: people attract an.
Speaker 1: Equal become the person you want to attract. When we
Speaker 1: focus on our own growth, the right relationships naturally follow
Speaker 1: number six. What about manifesting lot? How do we stop
Speaker 1: chasing and start aligning? Josha is why joy and presence
Speaker 1: are the key to attracting the right partner.
Speaker 3: We're conditioned in a way to like, Okay, I need
Speaker 3: something out there. I need the experience to proof, I
Speaker 3: need the event to occur, and the end product of
Speaker 3: that event or experience is called an emotion. The emotion
Speaker 3: takes away the lack or separation from not having it,
Speaker 3: so or waiting for the event to occur to take
Speaker 3: away the feeling of separation or lack. And actually that's
Speaker 3: not the healthiest way to create. And actually we should
Speaker 3: feel the emotion of the experience before it happens, so
Speaker 3: that if you're feeling the emotion of that future before
Speaker 3: it happens, truly feeling it, you wouldn't be looking for it.
Speaker 3: You would only be looking for it when you felt
Speaker 3: separate from it. Right, So can you maintain that state?
Speaker 3: Because the only way you're going to believe in that
Speaker 3: future is you have to feel the emotion associated with it.
Speaker 3: The moment you feel the lack and the separation, you're
Speaker 3: going to believe in the past. And there's a story
Speaker 3: that goes along with the past that has everything to
Speaker 3: do with the dating is hard, or finding a person
Speaker 3: or whatever. That is the story that we tell ourselves
Speaker 3: that we actually accept, believe, and surrender to is if
Speaker 3: it's the truth. Right. So that's exactly what programs the
Speaker 3: subconscious mind into a belief. Right, So the default is
Speaker 3: so seamless to lose that vision or that belief in
Speaker 3: the future. The moment we start feeling the emotions of
Speaker 3: lack or survival in the past, right, that's the moment
Speaker 3: we can't see that future any longer because we would
Speaker 3: be looking at that future through the lens of the past,
Speaker 3: and we would doubt that that future could actually exist.
Speaker 1: That really resonated with me, the idea that we're not searching,
Speaker 1: we're aligning. It's a whole new way to look at
Speaker 1: love number seven. Once we find someone often and overthink
Speaker 1: it is this the one? Is there someone better out there?
Speaker 1: That's where Matthew Us, the Relationship Coach, a New York
Speaker 1: Times best selling author, comes in He's been coaching people
Speaker 1: for years on how to make love work without the
Speaker 1: mind games.
Speaker 6: Sometimes we're wanting something else because there's you know, the
Speaker 6: person that's in front of us isn't compelling enough. There
Speaker 6: really is something lacking in that relationship. But I do
Speaker 6: think we have to ask ourselves, what what are the
Speaker 6: things that I really must have for an amazing relationship.
Speaker 6: I'm not a you know, there's the one out there
Speaker 6: kind of a person. I've never been that way if
Speaker 6: you look anyone looks back through my videos, and you
Speaker 6: know this because we've spoken about it back when I
Speaker 6: was single. You know, I've never been a person who
Speaker 6: believes in the idea of the one. So I think
Speaker 6: that it's finding someone that we've you know, we look
Speaker 6: at what's really important to us, not what's important on
Speaker 6: an egoic level, because I think a lot of the
Speaker 6: things that make us question whether this person is right
Speaker 6: for us are ego based. I don't think they're based
Speaker 6: on how we feel around this person. We worry is
Speaker 6: this the kind of person my friends think that I
Speaker 6: should be with. Do they look the part, are they
Speaker 6: my normal type?
Speaker 1: Do they make the right amount of money?
Speaker 3: Yeah?
Speaker 6: Like, has this person come in the package that I
Speaker 6: had always told myself they would come in. And those
Speaker 6: things can be really, really limiting, and they can have
Speaker 6: us like constantly trying to optimize for some version of
Speaker 6: something that we think we're supposed to be with, which
Speaker 6: is a very dangerous way to go about finding love.
Speaker 6: You can't optimize for human beings. You can optimize for
Speaker 6: a lot in life, but you're dealing with people. And
Speaker 6: by the way, even if you let go of this person,
Speaker 6: you're going to find someone else who's also imperfect. And
Speaker 6: they might, Okay, this person is you know, scores a
Speaker 6: seven in this area and they score a nine, But
Speaker 6: guess what, they score a three in this other area
Speaker 6: that you didn't even know was great in this relationship
Speaker 6: because you took for granted how amazing that person was.
Speaker 6: In that way, Like, it's very dangerous to optimize in
Speaker 6: that way in our love life. And I've come to
Speaker 6: really believe in life that if you find a connection
Speaker 6: that has all the right raw materials and you both
Speaker 6: have the same level of commitment, then you can build
Speaker 6: something extraordinary together. And actually the extraordinary is the thing
Speaker 6: you sculpt together. It's no different from a career when
Speaker 6: we think of what's like, what are we worried about
Speaker 6: in our love life? For so many of us, it's
Speaker 6: that we're going to settle. Yes, I'm going to settle
Speaker 6: for the wrong person. Well, I think we can actually
Speaker 6: start to reclaim the language of settling and make it
Speaker 6: into a very positive thing. What if it wasn't settling
Speaker 6: for What if you decided to settle on Because when
Speaker 6: you settle on someone, there's a power to that. It's
Speaker 6: like you resolve to say, I'm going to settle on this.
Speaker 6: I have to argue that the benefit I have gotten
Speaker 6: from the pain that I didn't choose has been no
Speaker 6: less valuable than the benefit I've gotten from the pain
Speaker 6: I did choose. In fact, actually I think the most
Speaker 6: valuable pain I've ever had is the pain I didn't choose.
Speaker 6: And when you realize that, you can kind of almost
Speaker 6: I think, look at some of the worst moments of
Speaker 6: your life as like a menu of pain, and beside them,
Speaker 6: I am on the menu is the very specific, unique
Speaker 6: benefits that can only come from this kind of pain,
Speaker 6: And you can kind of imagine yourself choosing, like retroactively
Speaker 6: choosing that pain, which is a very valuable thing to do,
Speaker 6: because I was told by a psychologist about an experiment
Speaker 6: on rats where one rat was on a wheel and
Speaker 6: was just given, you know, like the free reign to
Speaker 6: just run whenever it wanted to run. There was another rat,
Speaker 6: this was Rat A. Rap B was connected to that wheel.
Speaker 6: He was on another wheel that was connected to Rat
Speaker 6: A's wheel, and any time Rat A chose to run,
Speaker 6: rap B had to run, right, So both doing the
Speaker 6: same amount of exercising. But at the end of the experiment,
Speaker 6: rat A shows all the positive markers of exercise and
Speaker 6: rap B shows all the negative.
Speaker 3: Markers of stress.
Speaker 6: Oh wow, same amount of exercise was the difference. Well,
Speaker 6: rat A chose to run, rap B didn't. Anyone who
Speaker 6: doesn't choose you cannot be for you. They if they
Speaker 6: don't see you, Like, what is a relationship. It's someone
Speaker 6: sees you, they accept you, and they want that. That's
Speaker 6: that's the most beautiful part of a relationship. So if
Speaker 6: someone doesn't see you and accept you and want what
Speaker 6: they see, then this relationship is missing the most beautiful
Speaker 6: part of any relationship.
Speaker 3: It shouldn't even.
Speaker 6: Be you know, it shouldn't be desirable at that stage
Speaker 6: because it's not it has failed the fundamental test of
Speaker 6: what makes a relationship worth having. We're not talking about
Speaker 6: a person who you know, in at least the case
Speaker 6: I feel, we're talking about the person who was taken
Speaker 6: from us by life. We're talking about a person who's
Speaker 6: just walking around somewhere, still existing on the planet, but
Speaker 6: choosing not to be with us. That should lose its
Speaker 6: romance to us, you know, And to say, well, if
Speaker 6: that's the other game we play is if it was
Speaker 6: a different time in life, if they were a bit older,
Speaker 6: they would have been ready to commit, If they had
Speaker 6: been in a different phase where they weren't so busy
Speaker 6: with their work, they might have had the space to
Speaker 6: really give to this relationship. But they said their work
Speaker 6: isn't allowing them to. If it's like, we go through
Speaker 6: all these scenarios where it forces us into this sad
Speaker 6: love song of right person, wrong time, and that's a
Speaker 6: really pernicious story. That's a very dangerous story because it
Speaker 6: takes what belongs in the realm of science fiction and
Speaker 6: brings it into our reality.
Speaker 1: That's such a fresh take. Stop looking for perfect, start
Speaker 1: building something real. Number eight. Sometimes love isn't about holding on,
Speaker 1: It's about letting go, and no one explains that better
Speaker 1: than James Cordin, comedian, talk show host, and actor. He
Speaker 1: shares a powerful analogy about love and letting go that
Speaker 1: I know will stick with you as it has with me.
Speaker 1: Most of us are conditioned to believe when you find
Speaker 1: something good, hold on to it forever, make sure it
Speaker 1: lasts forever, because you never know.
Speaker 7: Well, then you're a kid with a balloon. Yeah right,
Speaker 7: and you go and hold that. I'm never I'm never
Speaker 7: ever going to let this balloon go, right, and ignoring
Speaker 7: for this for a second, the environmental impact of letting
Speaker 7: a balloon go. Let's talk about it just metaphorically.
Speaker 3: You know that.
Speaker 7: You go, I'm this is my balloon, and hold this bround,
Speaker 7: never ever, ever, ever, ever going to let go of
Speaker 7: this balloon. In fact, I'm going to go, I'm going
Speaker 7: to tie it to my wrist so it can't disappear,
Speaker 7: because that happened to me once before, and it you
Speaker 7: know what i mean, I'm going to just you know,
Speaker 7: that's it, and then slowly that balloon will just wilt
Speaker 7: and it will run out of the thing that made
Speaker 7: it great and it will just then be Then it's
Speaker 7: tied to your wrist and you're dragging it behind you, right,
Speaker 7: and actually there's something quite beautiful. And again, environmentally, I'm
Speaker 7: not encouraging this. We didn't know about this when we
Speaker 7: were kids. When you let go of a balloon, it's magical, magical.
Speaker 7: And then you see it and you're like, oh my god,
Speaker 7: I used to have that, I used to hold onto that.
Speaker 7: Look at it now. Look it's just that's amazing. And
Speaker 7: then you go and now I haven't got a balloon.
Speaker 7: And then you go, h maybe I'll get another one. Yeah,
Speaker 7: maybe there'll be another balloon, and maybe it'll be a
Speaker 7: different shape, or it'll be shinier or whatever.
Speaker 3: It is.
Speaker 7: Like, you've got to be able to let go of
Speaker 7: stuff to make new things come in. You've got to
Speaker 7: have the space and the time to encounter something new.
Speaker 7: A friend of mine a year ago, maybe Less, had
Speaker 7: his heart broken in the most brutal circumstances. It was
Speaker 7: his first love, first girlfriend, and they broke up and
Speaker 7: he was just not in a good way. And this
Speaker 7: was his first real proper serious girlfriend, certainly the first
Speaker 7: time he'd been in love before. I just found myself
Speaker 7: saying to him, I was like, this is great. This
Speaker 7: is great because you really only understand what love is
Speaker 7: once your heart's been broken. You understand how tender it is.
Speaker 7: And I was like, and you understand it now, and
Speaker 7: what you're looking at this all wrong? You get to
Speaker 7: do it again. You get to do this again. You're
Speaker 7: going to meet someone else and feel all these feelings
Speaker 7: and perhaps you'll go into that relationship learning what you've
Speaker 7: learned from this relationship and that will then feed that
Speaker 7: relationship in a different way. And he's just met someone, right, Yeah,
Speaker 7: and he's like, oh my god, this is amazing.
Speaker 3: And I'm like, yeah, got that balloon again.
Speaker 7: Yeah, Like that's it, that's it. And so again, I
Speaker 7: think it's expectation is the thing that makes us hold
Speaker 7: on to stuff. Yeah, if you can just ebb and
Speaker 7: flow with stuff, you're going to find it so much
Speaker 7: easier to take the good, the bad, and the everything
Speaker 7: in between. It's just all being good for you.
Speaker 1: This next conversation is really close to my heart because
Speaker 1: it's with someone who knows me better than anyone. My wife, Roddy.
Speaker 1: She's not just my life partner. She's an incredible nutritionist, chef,
Speaker 1: and advocate for conscious living. Over the years We've learned
Speaker 1: so much about love together, what it means to grow
Speaker 1: as individuals, whils staying deeply connected as a couple. Number nine,
Speaker 1: How to love fully without losing yourself in the process.
Speaker 1: Radi shares a wisdom on maintaining a strong sense of
Speaker 1: self while being in a loving, supportive relationship.
Speaker 5: People think that time is the investment, like the amount
Speaker 5: of time you spend with someone is what the investment is.
Speaker 5: This person is willing to spend two hours with me,
Speaker 5: but this person's willing to spend fifteen minutes with me.
Speaker 5: That must mean the two hour person values me more,
Speaker 5: loves me more, cares for me more. But what is
Speaker 5: the quality of those two hours? What is the quality
Speaker 5: of those fifteen minutes? Makes such a difference. And I think,
Speaker 5: you know, I've just been so used to that concept
Speaker 5: that that's what I always you know, related to this
Speaker 5: friend or this relationship. This person wants to spend the
Speaker 5: most amount of time with me, that must mean you know,
Speaker 5: that person loves me more. And so I think that's
Speaker 5: something I've really changed, because you can feel so much
Speaker 5: more fueled from a fifteen minute interaction with someone and
Speaker 5: loved with presents than you can with, you know, two
Speaker 5: hours of someone's distracted time, and I'm that's something I'm
Speaker 5: still working on as a person of being someone who's present.
Speaker 5: I think it's something i've really you know, I've been
Speaker 5: up and down with it. There are different times where
Speaker 5: my mind can just you know, go everywhere and do
Speaker 5: everything and not even be in the same room as
Speaker 5: everybody else that I'm in the room with. But I
Speaker 5: think it's something that I know, it's it's it's I
Speaker 5: want to be working on and something I want to
Speaker 5: be improving on.
Speaker 1: I think a lot of people love people being dependent
Speaker 1: on that definitely because it gives them a sense of significance.
Speaker 5: Exactly, especially if you don't know what you're doing in
Speaker 5: your life or if you feel like you're a bit
Speaker 5: lost helping other people. And although that's a great thing
Speaker 5: when you help other people, but the intention behind it
Speaker 5: and what you're receiving from it can make a huge
Speaker 5: difference in how you actually feel about it. So like,
Speaker 5: if you're helping someone through intention of genuinely caring for them,
Speaker 5: genuinely helping them, or are you helping them because it
Speaker 5: fuels you into feeling valuable and therefore, like for me.
Speaker 5: I remember, it used to be just a way that
Speaker 5: I would throw myself into so I didn't have to
Speaker 5: think about what I was doing in my life for
Speaker 5: how to figure out my own things. It was just, Oh,
Speaker 5: this is great. I need to be doing this. This
Speaker 5: person needs my help. I need to create this space
Speaker 5: for myself in their life because then I don't have
Speaker 5: to think about all the important stuff I actually need
Speaker 5: to deal with. So was the easier option and more
Speaker 5: of a selfish option. But I think that's a value
Speaker 5: that I have changed.
Speaker 1: I really hope that you got lots of value from that.
Speaker 1: That's why we're doing these compilations. I want to make
Speaker 1: things simple, seamless, and practical for you. Love isn't just
Speaker 1: about finding the right person, it's about becoming the right person.
Speaker 1: And through all these incredible conversations, one thing is clear.
Speaker 1: Self awareness, growth, and intention are at the heart of
Speaker 1: real love. I really hope this episode gave you clarity, perspective,
Speaker 1: and inspiration to approach love with more purpose. If something
Speaker 1: resonated with you, share it with a friend who needs
Speaker 1: to hear it, and pass this on to someone else.
Speaker 1: I'll see you next time on on purpose. Hey, everyone,
Speaker 1: if you love that conversation, go and check out my
Speaker 1: episode with the world's leading therapist, Laurie Gottlieb, where she
Speaker 1: answers the biggest questions that people ask in therapy when
Speaker 1: it comes to love, relationships, heartbreak, and dating. If you're
Speaker 1: trying to figure out that space right now, you won't
Speaker 1: want to miss this conversation.
Speaker 4: If it's a romantic relationship, hold hands. It's really hard
Speaker 4: to argue. It actually calms your nervous systems. Just hold
Speaker 4: hands as you're having the conversation. It's so lovely.