1 00:00:00,280 --> 00:00:03,840 Speaker 1: These are the nine things you need to know about love. 2 00:00:04,120 --> 00:00:07,760 Speaker 1: The Number one health and Wellness podcast Jay Sety Jay 3 00:00:07,760 --> 00:00:15,040 Speaker 1: Sety s Hey everyone, thanks so much for tuning back 4 00:00:15,040 --> 00:00:18,840 Speaker 1: into on Purpose. I appreciate it so much. Today we're 5 00:00:18,840 --> 00:00:21,800 Speaker 1: diving into one of the most important topics in all 6 00:00:21,840 --> 00:00:26,600 Speaker 1: of our lives love and love isn't just about romantic relationships. 7 00:00:26,880 --> 00:00:31,920 Speaker 1: It's about understanding ourselves, building meaningful connections, and growing into 8 00:00:31,960 --> 00:00:34,960 Speaker 1: the best versions of who we are. So in this 9 00:00:35,080 --> 00:00:39,400 Speaker 1: special compilation episode, I've gathered wisdom from some of the 10 00:00:39,440 --> 00:00:42,879 Speaker 1: best minds out there to help you navigate love with 11 00:00:42,960 --> 00:00:48,199 Speaker 1: more clarity, confidence, and purpose. Number One, how do we 12 00:00:48,320 --> 00:00:51,159 Speaker 1: know if someone is wasting our time, whether it's a 13 00:00:51,200 --> 00:00:55,280 Speaker 1: relationship that feels stagnant or a connection that just doesn't 14 00:00:55,320 --> 00:00:58,600 Speaker 1: seem to be going anywhere. We need to recognize the 15 00:00:58,720 --> 00:01:03,320 Speaker 1: signs to break it down. For us, we have Stefan Speaks, 16 00:01:03,680 --> 00:01:08,440 Speaker 1: relationship coach, speaker, and best selling author. He's helped millions 17 00:01:08,520 --> 00:01:12,440 Speaker 1: navigate love with honesty and self awareness. Let's hear what 18 00:01:12,480 --> 00:01:13,199 Speaker 1: he has to say. 19 00:01:13,520 --> 00:01:16,160 Speaker 2: So to me again, I think it always starts withself, 20 00:01:16,440 --> 00:01:18,520 Speaker 2: and you have to be honest with yourself about why 21 00:01:18,520 --> 00:01:21,480 Speaker 2: are you still here, why are you holding on what's 22 00:01:21,560 --> 00:01:25,959 Speaker 2: really driving you? Because, just using an example, let's say 23 00:01:26,000 --> 00:01:28,720 Speaker 2: you're a woman and the only reason why you're holding 24 00:01:28,720 --> 00:01:31,440 Speaker 2: onto his guys because he's a nice guy. You don't 25 00:01:31,440 --> 00:01:34,560 Speaker 2: feel like starting the process over with somebody else. So 26 00:01:34,640 --> 00:01:36,880 Speaker 2: even though you're not feeling it with him, you figure, 27 00:01:36,959 --> 00:01:39,520 Speaker 2: let me try to make it work. You're wasting your time. 28 00:01:40,400 --> 00:01:42,800 Speaker 2: This is where you're setting yourself up a disaster every 29 00:01:42,840 --> 00:01:46,640 Speaker 2: single time. So if it's not born out of a 30 00:01:46,760 --> 00:01:52,080 Speaker 2: true connection love, a genuine desire, you really like this individual. 31 00:01:52,160 --> 00:01:54,280 Speaker 2: Of course, there's always things we have to work through, 32 00:01:54,600 --> 00:01:57,960 Speaker 2: but is the foundation strong enough for us to say, okay, 33 00:01:57,960 --> 00:02:00,880 Speaker 2: we can make something special here? And I think once 34 00:02:00,880 --> 00:02:03,840 Speaker 2: we are honest with ourselves, that kind of helps answer 35 00:02:03,920 --> 00:02:06,520 Speaker 2: the question. Because sometimes we get so caught up trying 36 00:02:06,560 --> 00:02:09,960 Speaker 2: to analyze the other individual that it's like we get 37 00:02:10,000 --> 00:02:12,120 Speaker 2: in our heads and now we're missing the mark on 38 00:02:12,160 --> 00:02:16,120 Speaker 2: what's really important here, and we can't always say for 39 00:02:16,280 --> 00:02:19,280 Speaker 2: sure what's going on with them. I will say that 40 00:02:19,320 --> 00:02:22,720 Speaker 2: in general, if this person isn't willing to talk about things, 41 00:02:22,800 --> 00:02:25,480 Speaker 2: they're wasting your time. If they're not willing to address 42 00:02:25,560 --> 00:02:28,320 Speaker 2: or correct things that have been talked about they're wasting 43 00:02:28,360 --> 00:02:30,920 Speaker 2: your time if you guys aren't on the same page 44 00:02:31,040 --> 00:02:32,760 Speaker 2: about what you want and where you want to go 45 00:02:32,800 --> 00:02:35,760 Speaker 2: in life, wasting time. So there are some things I 46 00:02:35,800 --> 00:02:37,520 Speaker 2: think we can just look at and say, listen, this 47 00:02:37,560 --> 00:02:40,640 Speaker 2: is pointless here. But a lot of times, and I 48 00:02:40,680 --> 00:02:44,200 Speaker 2: have to say this, especially for women, women's intuition is 49 00:02:44,240 --> 00:02:45,160 Speaker 2: extremely powerful. 50 00:02:45,200 --> 00:02:47,200 Speaker 3: I'm a huge believer in it, and. 51 00:02:47,200 --> 00:02:50,480 Speaker 2: I feel like women know very early this isn't it, 52 00:02:51,320 --> 00:02:54,480 Speaker 2: but they rationalize reasons to convince themselves to give this 53 00:02:54,560 --> 00:02:57,160 Speaker 2: man a chance. And this again, is a waste of 54 00:02:57,240 --> 00:03:00,160 Speaker 2: time because it just doesn't work. I've seen people will 55 00:03:01,200 --> 00:03:03,480 Speaker 2: turn what should have been maybe a couple weeks of 56 00:03:03,560 --> 00:03:07,320 Speaker 2: dating into years of being married to someone they were 57 00:03:07,320 --> 00:03:10,160 Speaker 2: not happy with, all because they did not listen to 58 00:03:10,200 --> 00:03:12,760 Speaker 2: themselves from the beginning. They knew what it was, but 59 00:03:12,800 --> 00:03:15,000 Speaker 2: they just could not accept it for what it was. 60 00:03:15,400 --> 00:03:19,000 Speaker 1: I mean, I love that it's such an important reminder 61 00:03:19,600 --> 00:03:23,680 Speaker 1: trust your intuition and be honest with yourself. Sometimes we 62 00:03:23,800 --> 00:03:27,400 Speaker 1: overanalyze the other person instead of checking in with our 63 00:03:27,440 --> 00:03:32,799 Speaker 1: own feelings. Now, let's go even deeper. Number two, How 64 00:03:32,800 --> 00:03:35,920 Speaker 1: do we know if what we're feeling is true? Connection? 65 00:03:36,600 --> 00:03:40,160 Speaker 1: Or just chemistry. Stefan explains the difference. 66 00:03:40,720 --> 00:03:42,960 Speaker 2: Are you even being yourself or can you be yourself 67 00:03:42,960 --> 00:03:47,800 Speaker 2: with this individual? If you're presenting your representative, then this 68 00:03:47,880 --> 00:03:50,600 Speaker 2: is not a real connection. This is them falling for 69 00:03:50,640 --> 00:03:53,560 Speaker 2: that person that you're presenting. But that's not real. So 70 00:03:54,200 --> 00:03:58,480 Speaker 2: to me, you should be already being yourself. But with 71 00:03:58,560 --> 00:04:00,240 Speaker 2: that person you have a connection with, it's a more 72 00:04:00,360 --> 00:04:03,040 Speaker 2: natural flow. We don't have to force it. We just 73 00:04:03,080 --> 00:04:05,440 Speaker 2: feel so much more comfortable around them. 74 00:04:05,760 --> 00:04:06,200 Speaker 1: I think. 75 00:04:06,360 --> 00:04:09,240 Speaker 2: In addition to that is when you when you find 76 00:04:09,280 --> 00:04:11,880 Speaker 2: yourself all caught up in the moment and caught up 77 00:04:11,880 --> 00:04:14,760 Speaker 2: in that chemistry again, you have to ask yourself, what 78 00:04:14,880 --> 00:04:18,640 Speaker 2: am I really attaching myself to? What do I really 79 00:04:18,680 --> 00:04:21,480 Speaker 2: like about this individual? What I find is that when 80 00:04:21,560 --> 00:04:25,159 Speaker 2: it's really about chemistry, we're still on the surface. You 81 00:04:25,200 --> 00:04:28,599 Speaker 2: don't really know about them yet. You just know you 82 00:04:28,640 --> 00:04:30,760 Speaker 2: guys had a good time. Maybe you had fun at 83 00:04:30,800 --> 00:04:33,280 Speaker 2: this event. You guys were able to talk about a 84 00:04:33,320 --> 00:04:35,800 Speaker 2: lot of different things, which is great, which is gonna 85 00:04:35,880 --> 00:04:40,040 Speaker 2: also be important if there is a connection. However, do 86 00:04:40,120 --> 00:04:42,680 Speaker 2: you even know what kind relationship they want? Do you 87 00:04:42,680 --> 00:04:44,880 Speaker 2: know kind of life they want to live? You know, 88 00:04:45,000 --> 00:04:47,120 Speaker 2: are you guys really on the same page. I think 89 00:04:47,279 --> 00:04:52,440 Speaker 2: connection is our paths align, our purposes aligned. So for 90 00:04:52,600 --> 00:04:54,960 Speaker 2: us to align, we have to have a deeper understanding 91 00:04:55,000 --> 00:04:57,679 Speaker 2: of where we're headed and can we head there together. 92 00:04:58,279 --> 00:05:00,840 Speaker 2: So that's why I think though you may feel it, 93 00:05:01,200 --> 00:05:04,040 Speaker 2: or you may feel like you're feeling it, you have 94 00:05:04,080 --> 00:05:06,480 Speaker 2: to do your due diligence to dig deeper to find 95 00:05:06,520 --> 00:05:09,080 Speaker 2: out Okay, it's just just I got caught up on 96 00:05:09,120 --> 00:05:12,359 Speaker 2: the surface, or there is something real here. And I 97 00:05:12,360 --> 00:05:14,880 Speaker 2: think once we ask enough questions, because I think that's 98 00:05:14,920 --> 00:05:16,080 Speaker 2: the other big problem. 99 00:05:16,640 --> 00:05:17,280 Speaker 3: We have this. 100 00:05:17,240 --> 00:05:20,640 Speaker 2: Experience where we feel this chemistry, we're so excited, and 101 00:05:20,680 --> 00:05:23,360 Speaker 2: now we're afraid to ask questions because we don't want 102 00:05:23,400 --> 00:05:25,560 Speaker 2: to blow up the fantasy. Yes, you know what I'm saying. 103 00:05:25,560 --> 00:05:28,159 Speaker 2: It's like, no, no, I want to keep believing this is great. 104 00:05:28,360 --> 00:05:30,279 Speaker 2: So let me not ask anything, let me not run 105 00:05:30,320 --> 00:05:32,880 Speaker 2: this personal way, let me not rock the boat. But 106 00:05:32,920 --> 00:05:35,039 Speaker 2: that's gonna be what tells us if this is real 107 00:05:35,200 --> 00:05:35,440 Speaker 2: or not. 108 00:05:35,839 --> 00:05:38,919 Speaker 1: I think for so many people, you set unrealistic expectations 109 00:05:38,920 --> 00:05:41,720 Speaker 1: and who you are yes, and that's hard to come 110 00:05:41,760 --> 00:05:42,240 Speaker 1: back from. 111 00:05:42,400 --> 00:05:45,039 Speaker 2: Absolutely, And that's why it's so important for us to 112 00:05:45,160 --> 00:05:47,760 Speaker 2: know who we are so that we can present the 113 00:05:47,880 --> 00:05:50,600 Speaker 2: real from the jump, you know, because again, a lot 114 00:05:50,600 --> 00:05:54,200 Speaker 2: of times people you know this idea that we're always changing. Yes, 115 00:05:54,320 --> 00:05:57,120 Speaker 2: I do think we're always evolving, but some of the 116 00:05:57,240 --> 00:06:00,599 Speaker 2: big shifts that you see is not because that's just 117 00:06:00,600 --> 00:06:02,440 Speaker 2: the way life is. Is because you did take the 118 00:06:02,520 --> 00:06:05,520 Speaker 2: time to figure yourself out first, and then you got 119 00:06:05,520 --> 00:06:08,120 Speaker 2: with this person and now you want them to adjust. Now, 120 00:06:08,320 --> 00:06:10,800 Speaker 2: thank god for you, she was able to adjust. But 121 00:06:10,839 --> 00:06:12,640 Speaker 2: there's a lot of people that they can't handle that, 122 00:06:13,160 --> 00:06:16,000 Speaker 2: and now everything falls apart from there. And so that's why, Yeah, 123 00:06:16,160 --> 00:06:18,640 Speaker 2: we have to be very careful with what we're presenting 124 00:06:18,640 --> 00:06:19,360 Speaker 2: from the beginning. 125 00:06:19,640 --> 00:06:23,719 Speaker 1: That's pure gold. Chemistry can feel intense, but it doesn't 126 00:06:23,800 --> 00:06:29,480 Speaker 1: always mean long term compatibility. Now, let's shift gears number three. 127 00:06:30,120 --> 00:06:34,000 Speaker 1: Maybe you're single and wondering am I behind? If you've 128 00:06:34,000 --> 00:06:37,320 Speaker 1: ever felt that way, this next guest is for you. 129 00:06:37,839 --> 00:06:41,760 Speaker 1: Lorie Gottlieb is a psychotherapist, author of Maybe You Should 130 00:06:41,800 --> 00:06:45,120 Speaker 1: Talk to Someone, and the relationship expert who's here to 131 00:06:45,200 --> 00:06:48,520 Speaker 1: remind us why being single at twenty eight or any 132 00:06:48,560 --> 00:06:50,279 Speaker 1: age is not a bad thing. 133 00:06:50,720 --> 00:06:54,320 Speaker 4: You are exactly where you need to be if you 134 00:06:54,400 --> 00:06:57,039 Speaker 4: are doing the work. If you're not doing the work, 135 00:06:57,240 --> 00:06:59,600 Speaker 4: you're going to be behind. And what I mean by 136 00:06:59,600 --> 00:07:02,080 Speaker 4: doing the work work is if you are not in 137 00:07:02,160 --> 00:07:04,520 Speaker 4: a place where you want to be with a relationship, 138 00:07:04,600 --> 00:07:07,719 Speaker 4: you have to understand why. So are you examining what 139 00:07:07,839 --> 00:07:11,520 Speaker 4: has not worked yet? Why if I am single and 140 00:07:11,560 --> 00:07:13,880 Speaker 4: I don't want to be single, what can I be 141 00:07:13,960 --> 00:07:17,040 Speaker 4: doing differently? And so I think that's the important work. 142 00:07:17,080 --> 00:07:19,120 Speaker 4: So you're not behind it all. In fact, you're probably 143 00:07:19,120 --> 00:07:21,560 Speaker 4: ahead of people who are in relationships who have not 144 00:07:21,680 --> 00:07:24,120 Speaker 4: done the work and maybe aren't in the right relationship 145 00:07:24,240 --> 00:07:26,600 Speaker 4: or are in a relationship that's not going to last 146 00:07:26,720 --> 00:07:27,720 Speaker 4: or isn't going well. 147 00:07:27,920 --> 00:07:31,280 Speaker 1: Why is it that we struggle to actually do the work? 148 00:07:31,320 --> 00:07:32,360 Speaker 1: What does that look like? 149 00:07:32,760 --> 00:07:34,680 Speaker 4: I think it's so much easier when we talk to 150 00:07:34,720 --> 00:07:37,240 Speaker 4: our friends, and you know, I've talked about the difference 151 00:07:37,280 --> 00:07:40,520 Speaker 4: between idiot compassion and why is compassion before idiot compassion 152 00:07:40,600 --> 00:07:42,880 Speaker 4: is you say to your friend, look what happened on 153 00:07:42,920 --> 00:07:45,600 Speaker 4: this date, or look what happened with this person, and 154 00:07:45,640 --> 00:07:46,239 Speaker 4: they say. 155 00:07:46,160 --> 00:07:48,200 Speaker 3: Yeah, you're right, they're wrong, and. 156 00:07:48,120 --> 00:07:51,560 Speaker 4: We never learn or grow from that right because yes, 157 00:07:51,600 --> 00:07:53,880 Speaker 4: there might be something that the other person did, but 158 00:07:54,000 --> 00:07:57,360 Speaker 4: also what was your role in that interaction? A relationship 159 00:07:57,440 --> 00:08:00,640 Speaker 4: is all about relating, So what was your role in 160 00:08:00,680 --> 00:08:03,680 Speaker 4: the dance that you're doing with this person? And what 161 00:08:03,720 --> 00:08:06,080 Speaker 4: you get in therapy is you get wise compassion where 162 00:08:06,080 --> 00:08:08,200 Speaker 4: we hold up a mirror to you and we help 163 00:08:08,240 --> 00:08:11,760 Speaker 4: you to see something about you, know what your role is, 164 00:08:11,800 --> 00:08:14,360 Speaker 4: maybe something you haven't been willing or able to see. 165 00:08:14,520 --> 00:08:18,800 Speaker 4: But that's so important, So you don't repeat these situations 166 00:08:18,840 --> 00:08:21,160 Speaker 4: where you're in this pattern. And then you wonder, why 167 00:08:21,200 --> 00:08:24,560 Speaker 4: do I keep ending up with a person who doesn't 168 00:08:24,600 --> 00:08:26,800 Speaker 4: listen to me, or a person where I don't feel seen, 169 00:08:26,920 --> 00:08:29,200 Speaker 4: or where I can't be myself, or where we have 170 00:08:29,240 --> 00:08:32,720 Speaker 4: a lot of volatility, or where this person's really avoidant? 171 00:08:32,760 --> 00:08:34,880 Speaker 4: Why am I always with people who avoid or what 172 00:08:35,040 --> 00:08:37,680 Speaker 4: makes me avoid? And I don't talk to the person 173 00:08:37,720 --> 00:08:40,240 Speaker 4: about what I want or what I need. So that's 174 00:08:40,280 --> 00:08:42,560 Speaker 4: the work that's really important. So you're not behind if 175 00:08:42,600 --> 00:08:45,400 Speaker 4: you're single at twenty eight, it's part of the process. 176 00:08:45,480 --> 00:08:47,640 Speaker 4: If you're doing the work, you're much closer than you've 177 00:08:47,679 --> 00:08:50,320 Speaker 4: ever been to finding the person that you want to 178 00:08:50,360 --> 00:08:50,679 Speaker 4: be with. 179 00:08:51,120 --> 00:08:55,600 Speaker 1: I love that perspective. It's not about timelines, it's about 180 00:08:55,640 --> 00:08:58,640 Speaker 1: doing the work, But why do we resist the work? 181 00:08:59,040 --> 00:09:03,439 Speaker 1: Number four? Why is self awareness so hard? Laurie's got 182 00:09:03,480 --> 00:09:07,240 Speaker 1: some powerful insights on how understanding all patterns can help 183 00:09:07,320 --> 00:09:09,320 Speaker 1: us build better relationships. 184 00:09:09,720 --> 00:09:12,320 Speaker 4: We have this saying we marry our unfinished business. We 185 00:09:12,480 --> 00:09:15,839 Speaker 4: date our unfinished business too. So if you, let's say, 186 00:09:15,920 --> 00:09:20,040 Speaker 4: earlier in your life, you are around someone who was neglectful, 187 00:09:20,320 --> 00:09:24,400 Speaker 4: somebody who drank too much, somebody who lost their temper, 188 00:09:25,040 --> 00:09:28,760 Speaker 4: somebody who wasn't honest, somebody who wasn't reliable. We think 189 00:09:28,880 --> 00:09:31,760 Speaker 4: when we're dating as adults, like I want the opposite 190 00:09:31,760 --> 00:09:34,000 Speaker 4: of that. I want someone where I feel safe, secure, 191 00:09:34,360 --> 00:09:38,720 Speaker 4: there's trust. But what happens is unconsciously. Again, if we 192 00:09:38,800 --> 00:09:43,080 Speaker 4: haven't done the work our unfinished business, we actually are unconsciousness. 193 00:09:43,080 --> 00:09:46,720 Speaker 4: Oh you look familiar. Come closer. So on the surface, 194 00:09:46,760 --> 00:09:48,840 Speaker 4: they don't look like that person. But then when you 195 00:09:48,880 --> 00:09:50,840 Speaker 4: get to know them, you're a month in, you're three 196 00:09:50,880 --> 00:09:53,840 Speaker 4: months in, you're six months in, you think, wow, that 197 00:09:53,880 --> 00:09:57,839 Speaker 4: person reminds me of someone. This person feels so familiar, 198 00:09:57,880 --> 00:10:00,720 Speaker 4: and that's why I was drawn to this person. It 199 00:10:00,720 --> 00:10:03,320 Speaker 4: turns out this person is very much like what I 200 00:10:03,360 --> 00:10:05,880 Speaker 4: grew up with, is very much like the person who 201 00:10:05,960 --> 00:10:09,160 Speaker 4: hurt me growing up? So if you do the work, 202 00:10:09,320 --> 00:10:12,920 Speaker 4: you're able to see, oh that person, I see why 203 00:10:12,960 --> 00:10:14,679 Speaker 4: I'm drawn to them, but I'm not drawn to them 204 00:10:14,720 --> 00:10:17,120 Speaker 4: a healthy way. And then if you do even more work, 205 00:10:17,280 --> 00:10:19,959 Speaker 4: you're not even drawn to those people anymore. Now you're 206 00:10:20,000 --> 00:10:25,040 Speaker 4: drawn to healthy people, stable people, flexible people, emotionally generous people, 207 00:10:25,120 --> 00:10:28,680 Speaker 4: people whose values align with yours. That's who you're drawn to. 208 00:10:29,120 --> 00:10:30,680 Speaker 4: So you have to do the work. 209 00:10:30,920 --> 00:10:34,160 Speaker 1: Is there a healthy way of future tripping with the person? 210 00:10:34,280 --> 00:10:37,199 Speaker 1: Is there a collective collaborative future tripping? 211 00:10:37,240 --> 00:10:37,320 Speaker 5: Like? 212 00:10:37,360 --> 00:10:38,520 Speaker 3: What does that look like? 213 00:10:38,640 --> 00:10:40,560 Speaker 4: I think the future tripping is being in the present, 214 00:10:40,840 --> 00:10:43,560 Speaker 4: And what I mean is what's happening now is what 215 00:10:43,679 --> 00:10:45,960 Speaker 4: is going to look like in the future. So instead 216 00:10:46,000 --> 00:10:48,520 Speaker 4: of imagining, oh, this person will change in this way, 217 00:10:49,000 --> 00:10:51,160 Speaker 4: or we're going to have this kind of life, but 218 00:10:51,200 --> 00:10:52,880 Speaker 4: you don't know if the other person wants that kind 219 00:10:52,920 --> 00:10:55,200 Speaker 4: of life. If you're not talking about it now in 220 00:10:55,240 --> 00:10:58,720 Speaker 4: the present, you don't know how does this person treat me? 221 00:10:58,800 --> 00:10:59,040 Speaker 3: Now? 222 00:10:59,240 --> 00:11:02,040 Speaker 4: What is it like when we together? The biggest indicator 223 00:11:02,360 --> 00:11:05,160 Speaker 4: would be we had a disagreement. How did we get 224 00:11:05,200 --> 00:11:08,200 Speaker 4: through it? That's what your future is going to look like. 225 00:11:08,800 --> 00:11:12,240 Speaker 4: We didn't agree on this. We were frustrated with each other. 226 00:11:12,360 --> 00:11:15,800 Speaker 4: We had a difference of opinion. How did we repair 227 00:11:15,880 --> 00:11:18,360 Speaker 4: that rupture? We talk a lot about rupture and repair. 228 00:11:18,520 --> 00:11:21,360 Speaker 4: Everybody's going to have ruptures. You have it with your 229 00:11:21,480 --> 00:11:24,440 Speaker 4: family members, with your friends, with your coworkers, with your parents, 230 00:11:24,440 --> 00:11:27,840 Speaker 4: with your children, especially with your romantic partners, because we 231 00:11:28,000 --> 00:11:31,120 Speaker 4: have this misguided notion that we shouldn't have a rupture 232 00:11:31,160 --> 00:11:33,240 Speaker 4: with them because we're so in love and we see 233 00:11:33,280 --> 00:11:35,240 Speaker 4: each other and we see eye to eye. But of 234 00:11:35,280 --> 00:11:37,440 Speaker 4: course you're going to have ruptures. It's not so much 235 00:11:37,440 --> 00:11:39,680 Speaker 4: whether you're going to have a rupture, it's what do 236 00:11:39,760 --> 00:11:41,679 Speaker 4: you do with it and what does it look like. 237 00:11:41,760 --> 00:11:44,720 Speaker 4: So if you have been dating for let's say six months, 238 00:11:44,960 --> 00:11:46,960 Speaker 4: and you haven't had a rupture, you guys are not 239 00:11:47,000 --> 00:11:49,400 Speaker 4: going deep enough. You guys don't know each other well enough. 240 00:11:49,440 --> 00:11:51,760 Speaker 4: You're still on your best behavior. You have to be 241 00:11:51,800 --> 00:11:54,160 Speaker 4: able to be yourselves. That's going to tell you what 242 00:11:54,200 --> 00:11:58,840 Speaker 4: the future looks like. So stop the pretending. Be yourself, 243 00:11:59,160 --> 00:12:01,600 Speaker 4: Be what you want your future to look like, Act 244 00:12:01,720 --> 00:12:03,800 Speaker 4: like you want your future to look like. See how 245 00:12:03,800 --> 00:12:06,320 Speaker 4: the other person acts, and see what happens between the 246 00:12:06,320 --> 00:12:10,520 Speaker 4: two of you and a repair would look like something like, oh, 247 00:12:10,720 --> 00:12:13,160 Speaker 4: I didn't you know we're having a disagreement right now, 248 00:12:13,600 --> 00:12:18,040 Speaker 4: Why don't we take fifteen minutes and let's come back 249 00:12:18,120 --> 00:12:20,600 Speaker 4: when we're not so heated and let's talk about that. 250 00:12:20,800 --> 00:12:23,439 Speaker 4: Or you know, you made a mistake. You know what 251 00:12:23,520 --> 00:12:25,800 Speaker 4: I've been thinking about this. You know, say you have 252 00:12:25,920 --> 00:12:27,840 Speaker 4: an argument, you say, we're not going to talk for 253 00:12:27,880 --> 00:12:29,440 Speaker 4: a few minutes, let's go cool off. 254 00:12:29,559 --> 00:12:30,000 Speaker 3: Whatever. 255 00:12:31,320 --> 00:12:32,800 Speaker 4: You call them back and you say, you know what 256 00:12:33,200 --> 00:12:36,840 Speaker 4: I thought about it. I was wrong and I'm so sorry. 257 00:12:36,960 --> 00:12:38,959 Speaker 4: Here's what I did, and I wish I had done 258 00:12:39,000 --> 00:12:42,719 Speaker 4: it this way. And that's great if your partner can 259 00:12:42,760 --> 00:12:45,000 Speaker 4: do that, or if you can do that right, and 260 00:12:45,040 --> 00:12:47,679 Speaker 4: then if your partner then can accept that without shaming you, 261 00:12:47,920 --> 00:12:50,880 Speaker 4: if your partner can say, I really appreciate that, and 262 00:12:50,920 --> 00:12:53,240 Speaker 4: I wish that I had reacted differently in this way, 263 00:12:53,880 --> 00:12:56,560 Speaker 4: and how can I be more supportive in those moments. 264 00:12:57,800 --> 00:13:01,560 Speaker 4: That's beautiful, that's your future, but you have to see 265 00:13:01,600 --> 00:13:03,520 Speaker 4: it in the present. You can't imagine what the future 266 00:13:03,600 --> 00:13:05,360 Speaker 4: is going to be. You have to actually live it 267 00:13:05,440 --> 00:13:08,199 Speaker 4: in the present and say, oh, now I know it's 268 00:13:08,240 --> 00:13:09,800 Speaker 4: going to be just like it is right now. 269 00:13:10,080 --> 00:13:13,840 Speaker 1: Now that's a wake up call. Sometimes doing the work 270 00:13:14,000 --> 00:13:18,160 Speaker 1: means facing things we'd rather avoid, but that's the only 271 00:13:18,240 --> 00:13:21,719 Speaker 1: way to grow. Number five, What if we keep attracting 272 00:13:21,760 --> 00:13:28,719 Speaker 1: the same type of relationships over and over? Doctor Joe Despenser, neuroscientist, researcher, 273 00:13:29,080 --> 00:13:32,800 Speaker 1: and expert on rewiring the brain, explains how we can 274 00:13:32,880 --> 00:13:37,280 Speaker 1: break free from those cycles and attract relationships that truly 275 00:13:37,320 --> 00:13:38,280 Speaker 1: align with us. 276 00:13:38,840 --> 00:13:43,839 Speaker 3: Typically, it usually takes a crisis or a disease, or 277 00:13:43,920 --> 00:13:46,680 Speaker 3: a diagnosis, or a trauma, or a loss or a 278 00:13:46,720 --> 00:13:51,480 Speaker 3: betrayal for a person to really decide is this really 279 00:13:51,480 --> 00:13:54,360 Speaker 3: who I want to continue to be? So my message 280 00:13:54,440 --> 00:13:58,400 Speaker 3: is why wait for that right? So, there's nothing wrong 281 00:13:58,440 --> 00:14:00,960 Speaker 3: with saying I want to be in a relationship. I 282 00:14:01,040 --> 00:14:05,160 Speaker 3: want the following things in a relationship from this person 283 00:14:05,320 --> 00:14:10,760 Speaker 3: or what might be my ideal relationship. I think people 284 00:14:10,920 --> 00:14:13,920 Speaker 3: have an image in their mind of what they like, 285 00:14:14,080 --> 00:14:16,839 Speaker 3: or what their type is, or whatever they I don't 286 00:14:16,840 --> 00:14:19,920 Speaker 3: think there's anything wrong with that. But I think what 287 00:14:19,960 --> 00:14:25,560 Speaker 3: people are really looking for is connection and joy. Like 288 00:14:25,600 --> 00:14:28,280 Speaker 3: people should be in a relationship. The reason they should 289 00:14:28,280 --> 00:14:31,400 Speaker 3: be in a relationship is to be overjoyed, to be 290 00:14:31,480 --> 00:14:33,600 Speaker 3: with a person that you're with, right, you want joy 291 00:14:33,600 --> 00:14:36,560 Speaker 3: in your life. For me, it would make sense then 292 00:14:36,600 --> 00:14:38,760 Speaker 3: if the person got very clear on what they wanted, 293 00:14:40,000 --> 00:14:42,520 Speaker 3: then they should start on the journey to become that 294 00:14:42,680 --> 00:14:46,840 Speaker 3: very person. They should really work on being that very 295 00:14:46,840 --> 00:14:49,320 Speaker 3: person that they want. So there would have to be 296 00:14:50,320 --> 00:14:54,040 Speaker 3: some change that they would have to make in order 297 00:14:54,080 --> 00:14:56,680 Speaker 3: to be worthy enough to create a person that they 298 00:14:56,720 --> 00:15:00,240 Speaker 3: would attract in their life. And we cannot attract to 299 00:15:00,280 --> 00:15:03,840 Speaker 3: anything in our life that we feel separate from Trusting 300 00:15:04,600 --> 00:15:07,520 Speaker 3: in a future that you can't see your experience, you 301 00:15:07,560 --> 00:15:09,360 Speaker 3: have to lay down the very thing you use your 302 00:15:09,400 --> 00:15:12,320 Speaker 3: whole life to get what you want to trust that 303 00:15:12,440 --> 00:15:15,480 Speaker 3: something greater could happen. And that's not something that's very easy. 304 00:15:15,560 --> 00:15:22,360 Speaker 3: So I like the idea that it wouldn't happen on 305 00:15:22,400 --> 00:15:26,080 Speaker 3: a date that was from an app. It could happen 306 00:15:26,120 --> 00:15:28,680 Speaker 3: in a bank, It could happen at a seminar, it 307 00:15:28,680 --> 00:15:31,640 Speaker 3: could happen in the grocery store, you know, in a 308 00:15:31,680 --> 00:15:34,840 Speaker 3: way that you least expect, right, And I think that 309 00:15:35,640 --> 00:15:38,560 Speaker 3: when we get to a point where we're so happy 310 00:15:38,640 --> 00:15:42,400 Speaker 3: with ourselves, we're no longer looking because we feel like 311 00:15:42,400 --> 00:15:45,480 Speaker 3: we already have it. I think that's the state where 312 00:15:45,720 --> 00:15:47,120 Speaker 3: people attract an. 313 00:15:46,920 --> 00:15:50,520 Speaker 1: Equal become the person you want to attract. When we 314 00:15:50,560 --> 00:15:54,400 Speaker 1: focus on our own growth, the right relationships naturally follow 315 00:15:54,920 --> 00:15:59,080 Speaker 1: number six. What about manifesting lot? How do we stop 316 00:15:59,160 --> 00:16:04,040 Speaker 1: chasing and start aligning? Josha is why joy and presence 317 00:16:04,320 --> 00:16:06,840 Speaker 1: are the key to attracting the right partner. 318 00:16:07,040 --> 00:16:09,880 Speaker 3: We're conditioned in a way to like, Okay, I need 319 00:16:10,040 --> 00:16:13,880 Speaker 3: something out there. I need the experience to proof, I 320 00:16:13,960 --> 00:16:17,320 Speaker 3: need the event to occur, and the end product of 321 00:16:17,320 --> 00:16:19,800 Speaker 3: that event or experience is called an emotion. The emotion 322 00:16:20,000 --> 00:16:23,440 Speaker 3: takes away the lack or separation from not having it, 323 00:16:23,480 --> 00:16:26,720 Speaker 3: so or waiting for the event to occur to take 324 00:16:26,760 --> 00:16:30,960 Speaker 3: away the feeling of separation or lack. And actually that's 325 00:16:31,000 --> 00:16:34,720 Speaker 3: not the healthiest way to create. And actually we should 326 00:16:34,840 --> 00:16:40,320 Speaker 3: feel the emotion of the experience before it happens, so 327 00:16:40,360 --> 00:16:43,240 Speaker 3: that if you're feeling the emotion of that future before 328 00:16:43,240 --> 00:16:45,800 Speaker 3: it happens, truly feeling it, you wouldn't be looking for it. 329 00:16:46,360 --> 00:16:48,440 Speaker 3: You would only be looking for it when you felt 330 00:16:48,440 --> 00:16:52,120 Speaker 3: separate from it. Right, So can you maintain that state? 331 00:16:52,200 --> 00:16:56,440 Speaker 3: Because the only way you're going to believe in that 332 00:16:56,560 --> 00:16:59,560 Speaker 3: future is you have to feel the emotion associated with it. 333 00:17:00,120 --> 00:17:02,480 Speaker 3: The moment you feel the lack and the separation, you're 334 00:17:02,520 --> 00:17:04,959 Speaker 3: going to believe in the past. And there's a story 335 00:17:04,960 --> 00:17:07,960 Speaker 3: that goes along with the past that has everything to 336 00:17:07,960 --> 00:17:10,000 Speaker 3: do with the dating is hard, or finding a person 337 00:17:10,080 --> 00:17:13,160 Speaker 3: or whatever. That is the story that we tell ourselves 338 00:17:13,240 --> 00:17:16,719 Speaker 3: that we actually accept, believe, and surrender to is if 339 00:17:16,760 --> 00:17:20,199 Speaker 3: it's the truth. Right. So that's exactly what programs the 340 00:17:20,280 --> 00:17:28,000 Speaker 3: subconscious mind into a belief. Right, So the default is 341 00:17:28,040 --> 00:17:33,600 Speaker 3: so seamless to lose that vision or that belief in 342 00:17:33,640 --> 00:17:36,800 Speaker 3: the future. The moment we start feeling the emotions of 343 00:17:36,920 --> 00:17:39,480 Speaker 3: lack or survival in the past, right, that's the moment 344 00:17:39,520 --> 00:17:42,600 Speaker 3: we can't see that future any longer because we would 345 00:17:42,640 --> 00:17:45,320 Speaker 3: be looking at that future through the lens of the past, 346 00:17:45,440 --> 00:17:49,320 Speaker 3: and we would doubt that that future could actually exist. 347 00:17:49,520 --> 00:17:53,160 Speaker 1: That really resonated with me, the idea that we're not searching, 348 00:17:53,520 --> 00:17:56,160 Speaker 1: we're aligning. It's a whole new way to look at 349 00:17:56,160 --> 00:18:00,879 Speaker 1: love number seven. Once we find someone often and overthink 350 00:18:00,920 --> 00:18:04,520 Speaker 1: it is this the one? Is there someone better out there? 351 00:18:05,080 --> 00:18:07,960 Speaker 1: That's where Matthew Us, the Relationship Coach, a New York 352 00:18:08,000 --> 00:18:11,080 Speaker 1: Times best selling author, comes in He's been coaching people 353 00:18:11,119 --> 00:18:14,199 Speaker 1: for years on how to make love work without the 354 00:18:14,280 --> 00:18:15,000 Speaker 1: mind games. 355 00:18:15,440 --> 00:18:20,159 Speaker 6: Sometimes we're wanting something else because there's you know, the 356 00:18:20,520 --> 00:18:23,000 Speaker 6: person that's in front of us isn't compelling enough. There 357 00:18:23,040 --> 00:18:27,919 Speaker 6: really is something lacking in that relationship. But I do 358 00:18:28,000 --> 00:18:31,119 Speaker 6: think we have to ask ourselves, what what are the 359 00:18:31,200 --> 00:18:34,280 Speaker 6: things that I really must have for an amazing relationship. 360 00:18:34,720 --> 00:18:39,360 Speaker 6: I'm not a you know, there's the one out there 361 00:18:39,480 --> 00:18:41,439 Speaker 6: kind of a person. I've never been that way if 362 00:18:41,480 --> 00:18:44,080 Speaker 6: you look anyone looks back through my videos, and you 363 00:18:44,119 --> 00:18:46,439 Speaker 6: know this because we've spoken about it back when I 364 00:18:46,520 --> 00:18:50,480 Speaker 6: was single. You know, I've never been a person who 365 00:18:50,480 --> 00:18:53,960 Speaker 6: believes in the idea of the one. So I think 366 00:18:54,000 --> 00:18:58,360 Speaker 6: that it's finding someone that we've you know, we look 367 00:18:58,400 --> 00:19:02,679 Speaker 6: at what's really important to us, not what's important on 368 00:19:02,720 --> 00:19:04,760 Speaker 6: an egoic level, because I think a lot of the 369 00:19:04,800 --> 00:19:08,040 Speaker 6: things that make us question whether this person is right 370 00:19:08,080 --> 00:19:11,439 Speaker 6: for us are ego based. I don't think they're based 371 00:19:11,480 --> 00:19:14,359 Speaker 6: on how we feel around this person. We worry is 372 00:19:14,400 --> 00:19:16,560 Speaker 6: this the kind of person my friends think that I 373 00:19:16,600 --> 00:19:20,560 Speaker 6: should be with. Do they look the part, are they 374 00:19:20,119 --> 00:19:21,760 Speaker 6: my normal type? 375 00:19:22,440 --> 00:19:23,840 Speaker 1: Do they make the right amount of money? 376 00:19:24,280 --> 00:19:24,720 Speaker 3: Yeah? 377 00:19:24,880 --> 00:19:28,919 Speaker 6: Like, has this person come in the package that I 378 00:19:28,960 --> 00:19:32,359 Speaker 6: had always told myself they would come in. And those 379 00:19:32,359 --> 00:19:35,879 Speaker 6: things can be really, really limiting, and they can have 380 00:19:36,000 --> 00:19:40,399 Speaker 6: us like constantly trying to optimize for some version of 381 00:19:40,440 --> 00:19:43,640 Speaker 6: something that we think we're supposed to be with, which 382 00:19:43,680 --> 00:19:46,359 Speaker 6: is a very dangerous way to go about finding love. 383 00:19:46,440 --> 00:19:52,320 Speaker 6: You can't optimize for human beings. You can optimize for 384 00:19:52,359 --> 00:19:54,960 Speaker 6: a lot in life, but you're dealing with people. And 385 00:19:55,000 --> 00:19:56,960 Speaker 6: by the way, even if you let go of this person, 386 00:19:57,000 --> 00:20:00,480 Speaker 6: you're going to find someone else who's also imperfect. And 387 00:20:00,600 --> 00:20:04,080 Speaker 6: they might, Okay, this person is you know, scores a 388 00:20:04,200 --> 00:20:06,399 Speaker 6: seven in this area and they score a nine, But 389 00:20:06,520 --> 00:20:09,359 Speaker 6: guess what, they score a three in this other area 390 00:20:09,400 --> 00:20:13,040 Speaker 6: that you didn't even know was great in this relationship 391 00:20:13,040 --> 00:20:15,439 Speaker 6: because you took for granted how amazing that person was. 392 00:20:15,440 --> 00:20:20,919 Speaker 6: In that way, Like, it's very dangerous to optimize in 393 00:20:20,960 --> 00:20:24,439 Speaker 6: that way in our love life. And I've come to 394 00:20:24,560 --> 00:20:28,560 Speaker 6: really believe in life that if you find a connection 395 00:20:28,840 --> 00:20:33,000 Speaker 6: that has all the right raw materials and you both 396 00:20:33,000 --> 00:20:36,960 Speaker 6: have the same level of commitment, then you can build 397 00:20:37,000 --> 00:20:41,240 Speaker 6: something extraordinary together. And actually the extraordinary is the thing 398 00:20:41,280 --> 00:20:45,440 Speaker 6: you sculpt together. It's no different from a career when 399 00:20:45,440 --> 00:20:47,760 Speaker 6: we think of what's like, what are we worried about 400 00:20:47,800 --> 00:20:49,239 Speaker 6: in our love life? For so many of us, it's 401 00:20:49,280 --> 00:20:51,679 Speaker 6: that we're going to settle. Yes, I'm going to settle 402 00:20:51,720 --> 00:20:55,280 Speaker 6: for the wrong person. Well, I think we can actually 403 00:20:55,280 --> 00:21:00,520 Speaker 6: start to reclaim the language of settling and make it 404 00:21:00,520 --> 00:21:04,520 Speaker 6: into a very positive thing. What if it wasn't settling 405 00:21:04,720 --> 00:21:09,080 Speaker 6: for What if you decided to settle on Because when 406 00:21:09,080 --> 00:21:12,359 Speaker 6: you settle on someone, there's a power to that. It's 407 00:21:12,400 --> 00:21:15,560 Speaker 6: like you resolve to say, I'm going to settle on this. 408 00:21:16,000 --> 00:21:18,480 Speaker 6: I have to argue that the benefit I have gotten 409 00:21:18,520 --> 00:21:21,919 Speaker 6: from the pain that I didn't choose has been no 410 00:21:22,040 --> 00:21:24,200 Speaker 6: less valuable than the benefit I've gotten from the pain 411 00:21:24,240 --> 00:21:27,240 Speaker 6: I did choose. In fact, actually I think the most 412 00:21:27,280 --> 00:21:30,080 Speaker 6: valuable pain I've ever had is the pain I didn't choose. 413 00:21:31,119 --> 00:21:35,879 Speaker 6: And when you realize that, you can kind of almost 414 00:21:35,960 --> 00:21:38,359 Speaker 6: I think, look at some of the worst moments of 415 00:21:38,400 --> 00:21:43,959 Speaker 6: your life as like a menu of pain, and beside them, 416 00:21:44,200 --> 00:21:46,919 Speaker 6: I am on the menu is the very specific, unique 417 00:21:46,920 --> 00:21:49,560 Speaker 6: benefits that can only come from this kind of pain, 418 00:21:50,800 --> 00:21:56,399 Speaker 6: And you can kind of imagine yourself choosing, like retroactively 419 00:21:56,480 --> 00:22:00,080 Speaker 6: choosing that pain, which is a very valuable thing to do, 420 00:22:00,200 --> 00:22:03,359 Speaker 6: because I was told by a psychologist about an experiment 421 00:22:03,359 --> 00:22:09,480 Speaker 6: on rats where one rat was on a wheel and 422 00:22:09,680 --> 00:22:12,879 Speaker 6: was just given, you know, like the free reign to 423 00:22:13,000 --> 00:22:16,760 Speaker 6: just run whenever it wanted to run. There was another rat, 424 00:22:17,119 --> 00:22:21,439 Speaker 6: this was Rat A. Rap B was connected to that wheel. 425 00:22:21,480 --> 00:22:24,720 Speaker 6: He was on another wheel that was connected to Rat 426 00:22:24,720 --> 00:22:29,679 Speaker 6: A's wheel, and any time Rat A chose to run, 427 00:22:30,320 --> 00:22:34,760 Speaker 6: rap B had to run, right, So both doing the 428 00:22:34,760 --> 00:22:38,760 Speaker 6: same amount of exercising. But at the end of the experiment, 429 00:22:38,840 --> 00:22:42,159 Speaker 6: rat A shows all the positive markers of exercise and 430 00:22:42,280 --> 00:22:44,200 Speaker 6: rap B shows all the negative. 431 00:22:43,760 --> 00:22:44,640 Speaker 3: Markers of stress. 432 00:22:44,760 --> 00:22:50,000 Speaker 6: Oh wow, same amount of exercise was the difference. Well, 433 00:22:50,320 --> 00:22:54,360 Speaker 6: rat A chose to run, rap B didn't. Anyone who 434 00:22:54,400 --> 00:22:58,080 Speaker 6: doesn't choose you cannot be for you. They if they 435 00:22:58,080 --> 00:23:01,879 Speaker 6: don't see you, Like, what is a relationship. It's someone 436 00:23:01,960 --> 00:23:06,920 Speaker 6: sees you, they accept you, and they want that. That's 437 00:23:07,480 --> 00:23:10,080 Speaker 6: that's the most beautiful part of a relationship. So if 438 00:23:10,119 --> 00:23:13,439 Speaker 6: someone doesn't see you and accept you and want what 439 00:23:13,520 --> 00:23:17,400 Speaker 6: they see, then this relationship is missing the most beautiful 440 00:23:17,400 --> 00:23:18,680 Speaker 6: part of any relationship. 441 00:23:19,280 --> 00:23:20,080 Speaker 3: It shouldn't even. 442 00:23:20,000 --> 00:23:22,760 Speaker 6: Be you know, it shouldn't be desirable at that stage 443 00:23:22,840 --> 00:23:27,639 Speaker 6: because it's not it has failed the fundamental test of 444 00:23:27,640 --> 00:23:30,520 Speaker 6: what makes a relationship worth having. We're not talking about 445 00:23:30,560 --> 00:23:33,720 Speaker 6: a person who you know, in at least the case 446 00:23:33,760 --> 00:23:36,560 Speaker 6: I feel, we're talking about the person who was taken 447 00:23:36,640 --> 00:23:40,160 Speaker 6: from us by life. We're talking about a person who's 448 00:23:40,240 --> 00:23:44,639 Speaker 6: just walking around somewhere, still existing on the planet, but 449 00:23:44,800 --> 00:23:49,120 Speaker 6: choosing not to be with us. That should lose its 450 00:23:49,200 --> 00:23:53,320 Speaker 6: romance to us, you know, And to say, well, if 451 00:23:54,000 --> 00:23:56,000 Speaker 6: that's the other game we play is if it was 452 00:23:56,040 --> 00:23:58,479 Speaker 6: a different time in life, if they were a bit older, 453 00:23:58,520 --> 00:24:01,159 Speaker 6: they would have been ready to commit, If they had 454 00:24:01,200 --> 00:24:03,000 Speaker 6: been in a different phase where they weren't so busy 455 00:24:03,040 --> 00:24:04,760 Speaker 6: with their work, they might have had the space to 456 00:24:04,840 --> 00:24:07,640 Speaker 6: really give to this relationship. But they said their work 457 00:24:07,680 --> 00:24:10,720 Speaker 6: isn't allowing them to. If it's like, we go through 458 00:24:10,760 --> 00:24:15,960 Speaker 6: all these scenarios where it forces us into this sad 459 00:24:16,040 --> 00:24:20,840 Speaker 6: love song of right person, wrong time, and that's a 460 00:24:21,000 --> 00:24:29,040 Speaker 6: really pernicious story. That's a very dangerous story because it 461 00:24:30,160 --> 00:24:34,679 Speaker 6: takes what belongs in the realm of science fiction and 462 00:24:34,720 --> 00:24:36,320 Speaker 6: brings it into our reality. 463 00:24:36,880 --> 00:24:41,080 Speaker 1: That's such a fresh take. Stop looking for perfect, start 464 00:24:41,119 --> 00:24:46,080 Speaker 1: building something real. Number eight. Sometimes love isn't about holding on, 465 00:24:46,640 --> 00:24:49,960 Speaker 1: It's about letting go, and no one explains that better 466 00:24:50,560 --> 00:24:55,280 Speaker 1: than James Cordin, comedian, talk show host, and actor. He 467 00:24:55,359 --> 00:24:58,439 Speaker 1: shares a powerful analogy about love and letting go that 468 00:24:58,560 --> 00:25:00,840 Speaker 1: I know will stick with you as it has with me. 469 00:25:01,440 --> 00:25:03,280 Speaker 1: Most of us are conditioned to believe when you find 470 00:25:03,280 --> 00:25:06,320 Speaker 1: something good, hold on to it forever, make sure it 471 00:25:06,400 --> 00:25:07,679 Speaker 1: lasts forever, because you never know. 472 00:25:08,080 --> 00:25:11,200 Speaker 7: Well, then you're a kid with a balloon. Yeah right, 473 00:25:11,560 --> 00:25:14,880 Speaker 7: and you go and hold that. I'm never I'm never 474 00:25:14,920 --> 00:25:18,040 Speaker 7: ever going to let this balloon go, right, and ignoring 475 00:25:18,119 --> 00:25:20,760 Speaker 7: for this for a second, the environmental impact of letting 476 00:25:20,800 --> 00:25:24,360 Speaker 7: a balloon go. Let's talk about it just metaphorically. 477 00:25:24,400 --> 00:25:25,280 Speaker 3: You know that. 478 00:25:25,560 --> 00:25:28,639 Speaker 7: You go, I'm this is my balloon, and hold this bround, 479 00:25:28,720 --> 00:25:31,000 Speaker 7: never ever, ever, ever, ever going to let go of 480 00:25:31,000 --> 00:25:33,119 Speaker 7: this balloon. In fact, I'm going to go, I'm going 481 00:25:33,160 --> 00:25:35,720 Speaker 7: to tie it to my wrist so it can't disappear, 482 00:25:35,800 --> 00:25:38,320 Speaker 7: because that happened to me once before, and it you 483 00:25:38,320 --> 00:25:40,560 Speaker 7: know what i mean, I'm going to just you know, 484 00:25:40,760 --> 00:25:44,240 Speaker 7: that's it, and then slowly that balloon will just wilt 485 00:25:44,400 --> 00:25:46,480 Speaker 7: and it will run out of the thing that made 486 00:25:46,480 --> 00:25:49,840 Speaker 7: it great and it will just then be Then it's 487 00:25:49,880 --> 00:25:53,080 Speaker 7: tied to your wrist and you're dragging it behind you, right, 488 00:25:53,320 --> 00:25:58,600 Speaker 7: and actually there's something quite beautiful. And again, environmentally, I'm 489 00:25:58,640 --> 00:26:02,359 Speaker 7: not encouraging this. We didn't know about this when we 490 00:26:02,400 --> 00:26:07,119 Speaker 7: were kids. When you let go of a balloon, it's magical, magical. 491 00:26:09,080 --> 00:26:11,280 Speaker 7: And then you see it and you're like, oh my god, 492 00:26:11,560 --> 00:26:14,119 Speaker 7: I used to have that, I used to hold onto that. 493 00:26:14,280 --> 00:26:19,679 Speaker 7: Look at it now. Look it's just that's amazing. And 494 00:26:19,720 --> 00:26:21,560 Speaker 7: then you go and now I haven't got a balloon. 495 00:26:22,320 --> 00:26:26,240 Speaker 7: And then you go, h maybe I'll get another one. Yeah, 496 00:26:26,280 --> 00:26:29,359 Speaker 7: maybe there'll be another balloon, and maybe it'll be a 497 00:26:29,440 --> 00:26:31,639 Speaker 7: different shape, or it'll be shinier or whatever. 498 00:26:31,680 --> 00:26:32,200 Speaker 3: It is. 499 00:26:32,320 --> 00:26:36,280 Speaker 7: Like, you've got to be able to let go of 500 00:26:36,400 --> 00:26:41,879 Speaker 7: stuff to make new things come in. You've got to 501 00:26:42,040 --> 00:26:46,680 Speaker 7: have the space and the time to encounter something new. 502 00:26:46,840 --> 00:26:52,640 Speaker 7: A friend of mine a year ago, maybe Less, had 503 00:26:52,680 --> 00:27:00,280 Speaker 7: his heart broken in the most brutal circumstances. It was 504 00:27:00,320 --> 00:27:05,680 Speaker 7: his first love, first girlfriend, and they broke up and 505 00:27:05,760 --> 00:27:13,480 Speaker 7: he was just not in a good way. And this 506 00:27:13,640 --> 00:27:17,159 Speaker 7: was his first real proper serious girlfriend, certainly the first 507 00:27:17,200 --> 00:27:21,200 Speaker 7: time he'd been in love before. I just found myself 508 00:27:21,359 --> 00:27:27,280 Speaker 7: saying to him, I was like, this is great. This 509 00:27:27,359 --> 00:27:32,600 Speaker 7: is great because you really only understand what love is 510 00:27:33,640 --> 00:27:38,040 Speaker 7: once your heart's been broken. You understand how tender it is. 511 00:27:38,160 --> 00:27:40,960 Speaker 7: And I was like, and you understand it now, and 512 00:27:41,000 --> 00:27:45,080 Speaker 7: what you're looking at this all wrong? You get to 513 00:27:45,080 --> 00:27:49,080 Speaker 7: do it again. You get to do this again. You're 514 00:27:49,080 --> 00:27:53,600 Speaker 7: going to meet someone else and feel all these feelings 515 00:27:54,000 --> 00:27:59,440 Speaker 7: and perhaps you'll go into that relationship learning what you've 516 00:27:59,480 --> 00:28:04,080 Speaker 7: learned from this relationship and that will then feed that 517 00:28:04,160 --> 00:28:09,720 Speaker 7: relationship in a different way. And he's just met someone, right, Yeah, 518 00:28:09,760 --> 00:28:12,320 Speaker 7: and he's like, oh my god, this is amazing. 519 00:28:12,440 --> 00:28:14,280 Speaker 3: And I'm like, yeah, got that balloon again. 520 00:28:14,359 --> 00:28:17,960 Speaker 7: Yeah, Like that's it, that's it. And so again, I 521 00:28:18,000 --> 00:28:22,080 Speaker 7: think it's expectation is the thing that makes us hold 522 00:28:22,119 --> 00:28:24,879 Speaker 7: on to stuff. Yeah, if you can just ebb and 523 00:28:24,920 --> 00:28:27,680 Speaker 7: flow with stuff, you're going to find it so much 524 00:28:27,760 --> 00:28:31,479 Speaker 7: easier to take the good, the bad, and the everything 525 00:28:31,520 --> 00:28:33,960 Speaker 7: in between. It's just all being good for you. 526 00:28:34,280 --> 00:28:37,720 Speaker 1: This next conversation is really close to my heart because 527 00:28:37,720 --> 00:28:42,240 Speaker 1: it's with someone who knows me better than anyone. My wife, Roddy. 528 00:28:42,680 --> 00:28:46,600 Speaker 1: She's not just my life partner. She's an incredible nutritionist, chef, 529 00:28:46,720 --> 00:28:50,360 Speaker 1: and advocate for conscious living. Over the years We've learned 530 00:28:50,480 --> 00:28:53,320 Speaker 1: so much about love together, what it means to grow 531 00:28:53,360 --> 00:28:57,880 Speaker 1: as individuals, whils staying deeply connected as a couple. Number nine, 532 00:28:58,400 --> 00:29:02,320 Speaker 1: How to love fully without losing yourself in the process. 533 00:29:02,680 --> 00:29:05,520 Speaker 1: Radi shares a wisdom on maintaining a strong sense of 534 00:29:05,600 --> 00:29:09,280 Speaker 1: self while being in a loving, supportive relationship. 535 00:29:09,560 --> 00:29:11,720 Speaker 5: People think that time is the investment, like the amount 536 00:29:11,720 --> 00:29:14,320 Speaker 5: of time you spend with someone is what the investment is. 537 00:29:14,320 --> 00:29:16,040 Speaker 5: This person is willing to spend two hours with me, 538 00:29:16,200 --> 00:29:18,280 Speaker 5: but this person's willing to spend fifteen minutes with me. 539 00:29:18,400 --> 00:29:21,640 Speaker 5: That must mean the two hour person values me more, 540 00:29:21,800 --> 00:29:24,160 Speaker 5: loves me more, cares for me more. But what is 541 00:29:24,200 --> 00:29:26,200 Speaker 5: the quality of those two hours? What is the quality 542 00:29:26,200 --> 00:29:29,840 Speaker 5: of those fifteen minutes? Makes such a difference. And I think, 543 00:29:30,440 --> 00:29:33,480 Speaker 5: you know, I've just been so used to that concept 544 00:29:34,000 --> 00:29:37,640 Speaker 5: that that's what I always you know, related to this 545 00:29:37,720 --> 00:29:39,640 Speaker 5: friend or this relationship. This person wants to spend the 546 00:29:39,680 --> 00:29:42,080 Speaker 5: most amount of time with me, that must mean you know, 547 00:29:42,160 --> 00:29:45,600 Speaker 5: that person loves me more. And so I think that's 548 00:29:45,600 --> 00:29:48,640 Speaker 5: something I've really changed, because you can feel so much 549 00:29:48,800 --> 00:29:53,760 Speaker 5: more fueled from a fifteen minute interaction with someone and 550 00:29:53,840 --> 00:29:56,800 Speaker 5: loved with presents than you can with, you know, two 551 00:29:56,840 --> 00:30:00,200 Speaker 5: hours of someone's distracted time, and I'm that's something I'm 552 00:30:00,200 --> 00:30:04,000 Speaker 5: still working on as a person of being someone who's present. 553 00:30:04,360 --> 00:30:06,720 Speaker 5: I think it's something i've really you know, I've been 554 00:30:06,880 --> 00:30:08,680 Speaker 5: up and down with it. There are different times where 555 00:30:08,680 --> 00:30:11,640 Speaker 5: my mind can just you know, go everywhere and do 556 00:30:11,720 --> 00:30:13,880 Speaker 5: everything and not even be in the same room as 557 00:30:13,920 --> 00:30:16,200 Speaker 5: everybody else that I'm in the room with. But I 558 00:30:16,240 --> 00:30:19,600 Speaker 5: think it's something that I know, it's it's it's I 559 00:30:19,640 --> 00:30:21,440 Speaker 5: want to be working on and something I want to 560 00:30:21,440 --> 00:30:22,200 Speaker 5: be improving on. 561 00:30:22,400 --> 00:30:25,440 Speaker 1: I think a lot of people love people being dependent 562 00:30:25,480 --> 00:30:29,040 Speaker 1: on that definitely because it gives them a sense of significance. 563 00:30:28,520 --> 00:30:30,400 Speaker 5: Exactly, especially if you don't know what you're doing in 564 00:30:30,400 --> 00:30:31,800 Speaker 5: your life or if you feel like you're a bit 565 00:30:31,880 --> 00:30:35,120 Speaker 5: lost helping other people. And although that's a great thing 566 00:30:35,160 --> 00:30:38,480 Speaker 5: when you help other people, but the intention behind it 567 00:30:38,560 --> 00:30:41,360 Speaker 5: and what you're receiving from it can make a huge 568 00:30:41,360 --> 00:30:43,840 Speaker 5: difference in how you actually feel about it. So like, 569 00:30:44,040 --> 00:30:47,920 Speaker 5: if you're helping someone through intention of genuinely caring for them, 570 00:30:47,960 --> 00:30:51,239 Speaker 5: genuinely helping them, or are you helping them because it 571 00:30:51,360 --> 00:30:55,520 Speaker 5: fuels you into feeling valuable and therefore, like for me. 572 00:30:55,600 --> 00:30:57,120 Speaker 5: I remember, it used to be just a way that 573 00:30:57,200 --> 00:30:59,080 Speaker 5: I would throw myself into so I didn't have to 574 00:30:59,120 --> 00:31:01,360 Speaker 5: think about what I was doing in my life for 575 00:31:01,800 --> 00:31:04,680 Speaker 5: how to figure out my own things. It was just, Oh, 576 00:31:04,760 --> 00:31:06,560 Speaker 5: this is great. I need to be doing this. This 577 00:31:06,600 --> 00:31:10,440 Speaker 5: person needs my help. I need to create this space 578 00:31:10,480 --> 00:31:13,040 Speaker 5: for myself in their life because then I don't have 579 00:31:13,080 --> 00:31:14,719 Speaker 5: to think about all the important stuff I actually need 580 00:31:14,720 --> 00:31:16,840 Speaker 5: to deal with. So was the easier option and more 581 00:31:16,880 --> 00:31:19,920 Speaker 5: of a selfish option. But I think that's a value 582 00:31:19,960 --> 00:31:21,000 Speaker 5: that I have changed. 583 00:31:21,280 --> 00:31:23,680 Speaker 1: I really hope that you got lots of value from that. 584 00:31:23,680 --> 00:31:26,240 Speaker 1: That's why we're doing these compilations. I want to make 585 00:31:26,320 --> 00:31:30,400 Speaker 1: things simple, seamless, and practical for you. Love isn't just 586 00:31:30,400 --> 00:31:33,760 Speaker 1: about finding the right person, it's about becoming the right person. 587 00:31:34,200 --> 00:31:37,560 Speaker 1: And through all these incredible conversations, one thing is clear. 588 00:31:38,200 --> 00:31:41,720 Speaker 1: Self awareness, growth, and intention are at the heart of 589 00:31:41,760 --> 00:31:45,840 Speaker 1: real love. I really hope this episode gave you clarity, perspective, 590 00:31:46,160 --> 00:31:50,080 Speaker 1: and inspiration to approach love with more purpose. If something 591 00:31:50,120 --> 00:31:52,480 Speaker 1: resonated with you, share it with a friend who needs 592 00:31:52,520 --> 00:31:54,800 Speaker 1: to hear it, and pass this on to someone else. 593 00:31:55,200 --> 00:31:58,360 Speaker 1: I'll see you next time on on purpose. Hey, everyone, 594 00:31:58,600 --> 00:32:01,440 Speaker 1: if you love that conversation, go and check out my 595 00:32:01,520 --> 00:32:05,720 Speaker 1: episode with the world's leading therapist, Laurie Gottlieb, where she 596 00:32:05,880 --> 00:32:09,800 Speaker 1: answers the biggest questions that people ask in therapy when 597 00:32:09,840 --> 00:32:14,320 Speaker 1: it comes to love, relationships, heartbreak, and dating. If you're 598 00:32:14,360 --> 00:32:17,000 Speaker 1: trying to figure out that space right now, you won't 599 00:32:17,000 --> 00:32:18,560 Speaker 1: want to miss this conversation. 600 00:32:18,960 --> 00:32:23,280 Speaker 4: If it's a romantic relationship, hold hands. It's really hard 601 00:32:23,320 --> 00:32:26,920 Speaker 4: to argue. It actually calms your nervous systems. Just hold 602 00:32:26,960 --> 00:32:29,760 Speaker 4: hands as you're having the conversation. It's so lovely.