Speaker 1: I am a Yamla. I had a baby daddy relationship.
Speaker 1: I spent time in a relationship with a married man.
Speaker 1: I had to learn the skills and tools required to
Speaker 1: make my relationships healthy, fulfilling and loving. Welcome to the
Speaker 1: R Spot, a production of shandaland Audio in partnership with iHeartRadio.
Speaker 1: Welcome to the R Spot. I am Yamla, your host,
Speaker 1: your guide, your posse as we walk through this incredible,
Speaker 1: incredible mind field. It is a mind am I NDI
Speaker 1: field and it's a mine am I end field of questions, challenges, issues, revelations,
Speaker 1: and that field is the area of relationships. Relationships. We've
Speaker 1: got all kinds of relationships that we talk about, and
Speaker 1: today we've got a really juicy, juicy topic and I'm
Speaker 1: really excited about this, and we're gonna do it a
Speaker 1: little different. We're gonna have a conversation. Here's what I know.
Speaker 1: Relationships have changed, or shall I say, people have changed,
Speaker 1: and therefore how we look at how we approach, how
Speaker 1: we live in relationships that has changed. Because there's some
Speaker 1: things going on in the relationship field right now that
Speaker 1: in my day when I was growing up, not only
Speaker 1: would they send you straight to hell, they'd be an
Speaker 1: offense to the Lord, and you would just burn up
Speaker 1: like a crisp. Things like thrumples, things like same sex relationships.
Speaker 1: You didn't talk about that stuff out loud. And now
Speaker 1: not only are people talking about it and doing it,
Speaker 1: it's on social media. Oh my goodness. But relationships have changed,
Speaker 1: and I think that's because we have changed, and yet
Speaker 1: we're still trying to live in this paradigm that obviously
Speaker 1: is not working. Now, we know relationships are a place
Speaker 1: that we go to learn to grow, to heal. So
Speaker 1: the question that I put on the table today is
Speaker 1: would you give your partner a Hall pass? If your
Speaker 1: partner came to you and said, listen, I see someone.
Speaker 1: I'm a little curious. We'd love to just explore, investigate.
Speaker 1: I want a one day Hall pass or a one
Speaker 1: week Hall pass. Would you be willing to give your
Speaker 1: partner a Hall pass to investigate? And what would you
Speaker 1: tell yourself about the request? What would you tell yourself
Speaker 1: about doing it? I mean, is it a violation of
Speaker 1: the relationship, is it cheating with them asking you be offensive?
Speaker 1: Would you see it as something they're doing to you
Speaker 1: or something they're doing for themselves? And would you prefer
Speaker 1: that they lie and sneak around a hall pass? Maybe
Speaker 1: it has nothing to do with sex. What if it's
Speaker 1: just breakfast, lunch, and dinner. Do you think that it's
Speaker 1: gonna go further? And do you trust your partner to
Speaker 1: honor the request? I just want a hall pass to
Speaker 1: investigate or what if you needed a hall pass? Would
Speaker 1: you be willing to ask for one? Because relationships are
Speaker 1: not the way they used to be. One man, one woman,
Speaker 1: two cats, a dog and four kids. It's not like
Speaker 1: that anymore, and we keep trying to live that way.
Speaker 1: So today I want to have a conversation. In addition
Speaker 1: to having some guests, I want to have a conversation
Speaker 1: about the hall pass and the changes in relationships. Greetings,
Speaker 1: how are you welcome to the R spot? Today? We
Speaker 1: are talking about would you give your partner all pass?
Speaker 1: Would you put restrictions on it? Or would you just
Speaker 1: be okay with whatever they wanted to do?
Speaker 2: Hi?
Speaker 3: Doctor Allah?
Speaker 1: Hi? How are you?
Speaker 3: Oh?
Speaker 2: I'm doing good.
Speaker 3: It's so good to hear your voice again.
Speaker 2: It's wild.
Speaker 1: Yeah.
Speaker 2: I will not give Curtis.
Speaker 4: A hall path?
Speaker 1: Why not? Why not?
Speaker 3: Because I wouldn't want to share I wouldn't want to
Speaker 3: share him right, and and to me, I feel like,
Speaker 3: to me, the relationship wouldn't be the same because if
Speaker 3: if I'm all about you and I'm committed to you,
Speaker 3: and you and you're committed to me, why would we
Speaker 3: bring a third party into it? If that if that's
Speaker 3: something that we do, or if that's our lifestyle, that's different.
Speaker 3: But if we're admitted to each other, I wouldn't want
Speaker 3: to I wouldn't want to do that. I think it
Speaker 3: would to me, I think it would ruin the relationship.
Speaker 1: Well, what if it's just curiosity? What if rather than
Speaker 1: sneaking around lying he said, you know, I met someone
Speaker 1: I've seen someone like to take them to dinner, maybe
Speaker 1: out to the movies. I don't know what else will happen,
Speaker 1: but I want to haul pass.
Speaker 3: Hmmm. I would say, let's go ahead and th off
Speaker 3: of the divorce and be done with him, because I
Speaker 3: want my own man to myself. Can I share something
Speaker 3: with you? The anti I call you? AIN'TI right?
Speaker 4: Right?
Speaker 3: I found men attractive, It's been it's been recent. I
Speaker 3: found some years back. I would look at our men
Speaker 3: and I never paid no attention. I just thought they
Speaker 3: were wonderful and exude confidence, as Pastor Marcus would say,
Speaker 3: you know, confidence, And they were wonderful and their fruits
Speaker 3: and the way they live in the world, and how
Speaker 3: great they are and amazing they are. But I just
Speaker 3: recently started attention these last two three, three four years
Speaker 3: to how amazingly handsome men are.
Speaker 2: Because at first, I would.
Speaker 3: You know, how you know, how you at the store
Speaker 3: or you're out and about and you see clearly see
Speaker 3: a handsome man. But I would not just stare at them.
Speaker 3: I would look at them and notice them, and you know,
Speaker 3: I would in passing and just keep going. Now I
Speaker 3: actually look at men and notice how.
Speaker 2: Handsome they are.
Speaker 3: I don't know what's going on with me. I'm paying
Speaker 3: attention to how good looking men are. What is that
Speaker 3: all about?
Speaker 1: Well, I don't know. Maybe you need a hall pass.
Speaker 1: Maybe you need to ask Curtis Fall Would you ask Curtis?
Speaker 1: Would you ask Curtis for a hall pass if you
Speaker 1: saw a handsome man at the supermarket and you just
Speaker 1: wanted to have a conversation, because see, you're assuming that
Speaker 1: the hall pass is going to lead to sex. It
Speaker 1: may just be a conversation. It may just be like
Speaker 1: I said, curiosity.
Speaker 2: Curiosity.
Speaker 3: Yeah, so you're saying you were asking me if I
Speaker 3: would ask Curtis if I.
Speaker 2: Could have a hall of halb. Yes, just nodmn you no, ma'am.
Speaker 3: As as attractive as I find other men, and the
Speaker 3: way I'm finding them attractive these days I made, I
Speaker 3: would be afraid, oh my god, something else came up.
Speaker 3: I would be afraid that if you can already find
Speaker 3: someone attractive on the phone, can you imagine that chemistry
Speaker 3: in person? Yes, I can, right, I would be afraid
Speaker 3: that I would want to see them again.
Speaker 1: I'm going to send you some love and light. Thank
Speaker 1: you so much, Thank you, thank you. Alrighty bye bye.
Speaker 1: So I've got some guests with me. Okay, We've got Dava,
Speaker 1: who's a fifty something. We've got z who's a forty something.
Speaker 1: We've got Kay who's a twenty something. And then you've
Speaker 1: got me, old as dirt, been married three times twice
Speaker 1: to the same person. So obviously I can't get this
Speaker 1: thing right. But the real interesting part is I got
Speaker 1: some men. I've got mister Steve, who's married and has
Speaker 1: a really good perspective, and I've got mister Mike, who's
Speaker 1: not married, but is engaged, and he probably has been
Speaker 1: around a little bit and has some perspective. So I
Speaker 1: want to thank all of you for being here. Let
Speaker 1: me hear your perspective and listen. Davia has also had
Speaker 1: the experience of a same sex relationship, so it's not
Speaker 1: just about men and women. I want this soup to
Speaker 1: be cooked up with every spice we can put in it. Okay,
Speaker 1: let me start with the men. Okay, mister Steve, would
Speaker 1: you give your partner a hall pass if she asks
Speaker 1: for one, or if you needed one, would you ask
Speaker 1: for it?
Speaker 4: I think by the time someone asks you for a
Speaker 4: haul past, they've decided that this is going to happen.
Speaker 4: So the question really is are you comfortable with the
Speaker 4: direction that your relationship is now about to go. It
Speaker 4: is not a question that is asked in a vacuum.
Speaker 4: It is not a theoretical question. If by the time
Speaker 4: your partner has spoken that they want to engage in
Speaker 4: a relationship of some type that they know is outside
Speaker 4: of what might feel platonic and or safe, they've likely
Speaker 4: got a person or process in mind. So the question
Speaker 4: is not whether or not you would give it. It's
Speaker 4: whether or not you would accept where you are. In
Speaker 4: order for a relationship to truly enter into the beautiful stage,
Speaker 4: you have to ask yourself, am I prepared to stay
Speaker 4: in the relationship while my partner grows beyond what I
Speaker 4: met and they grow into themselves? Am I prepared to
Speaker 4: engage in the most uncomfortable parts? And am I prepared
Speaker 4: to say yes to this question? Will I stay after
Speaker 4: my partner does the thing that I said that I
Speaker 4: would never put up with? Because that's what marriage really does.
Speaker 4: Marriage challenges you on what your own values are, what
Speaker 4: you will and will not accept. There's a reason why
Speaker 4: there are over forty million people on Ashley Madison. You're
Speaker 4: talking about forty million people who have said that they
Speaker 4: are married, but who are actively engaged in what my
Speaker 4: be considered a hall past. And so if I were asked,
Speaker 4: then I would know that is game time, is go time,
Speaker 4: This is happening, and I have to decide if this
Speaker 4: is something that I am interested in and I'll finish
Speaker 4: here one of the things you said, and I agree
Speaker 4: with it, and I also will want to push on it.
Speaker 4: We say that relationships are new, I don't know that
Speaker 4: they're new. I don't know that there's anything new in
Speaker 4: the human experience. I think what is newer is the
Speaker 4: access that we have to the internal rough drafts of
Speaker 4: people's thoughts. Meaning social media in many cases is a
Speaker 4: rough draft. It's not a letter that you write and
Speaker 4: then you rewrite and you decide where you're going to
Speaker 4: send it. It's sometimes an undeveloped thought. But we're also
Speaker 4: on social media in such a way that it's with
Speaker 4: us always. We're experiencing it. And I think that you know, too,
Speaker 4: many of us have grandmothers and grandfathers and aunts and
Speaker 4: uncles who we meet cousins along the way. Right, We
Speaker 4: don't need to just go to Professor Gates to find
Speaker 4: out what our lineage is. Some of us at funerals
Speaker 4: are finding out that, you know, our uncle had another family.
Speaker 4: This is not new. The news is that people are
Speaker 4: trying to have a conversation about it as it's happening.
Speaker 4: But you can't have an over fifty percent divorce rate
Speaker 4: over forty million people on ACTIY Madison in particular, and
Speaker 4: then not think that it's not hall passes. It's an
Speaker 4: open school. The halls are open.
Speaker 1: The halls are open.
Speaker 4: So I don't think many of us have choices. I
Speaker 4: think we need to decide the only choice we have
Speaker 4: is if we're comfortable.
Speaker 1: Now, Dave, does a hall pass necessarily mean sex? What
Speaker 1: if the person just wants to go out and have
Speaker 1: lunch or dinner or just conversation, and rather than lying
Speaker 1: and sneaking around, they come and say, can I have
Speaker 1: a hall pass? I want you to know that I
Speaker 1: want to talk to this person. And is the hall
Speaker 1: pass for one night? You know? Lutha said, if only
Speaker 1: for one night? A Frankie bever Frankie Beverly said after
Speaker 1: the morning after, you.
Speaker 5: Know, for me, it would be it would be about sex.
Speaker 5: Because number one, if we're solid and healthy, we're grown,
Speaker 5: go have dinner with somebody, right, Go have lunch with
Speaker 5: somebody that that shouldn't even require a conversation other than
Speaker 5: this is where I'm gonna be and this is who
Speaker 5: I'm gonna be with, right, just to keep somebody in
Speaker 5: the loop. Now, if you're saying like, oh, I'd really
Speaker 5: kind of like to start this little relationship with them,
Speaker 5: and I'm feeling them and they feeling me. Now we're
Speaker 5: talking about like, okay, we're moving into a polyamorous relationship.
Speaker 5: So I think a hall past, you know, really a
Speaker 5: hall pass by the sort of common definition is that
Speaker 5: it really is a one time thing. You can go
Speaker 5: from here to here and then come back right And would.
Speaker 1: You give it with if your partner asked you for
Speaker 1: a hall pass?
Speaker 5: You know, it's really funny. I was sitting here thinking
Speaker 5: about it, and I you know, it depends on the relationship.
Speaker 5: You know, my last relationship, you know, we had very
Speaker 5: different sex dribes, and I really you know, at some
Speaker 5: point I would have hoped she would have had a
Speaker 5: hall passed. I think given I want to shoot for
Speaker 5: because I just you know, it was like, here, go
Speaker 5: take this, and you know, I'm secure enough in myself
Speaker 5: that I understand that that doesn't necessarily reflect on me.
Speaker 5: Now here's the other piece of that truth though, what
Speaker 5: I recognized about it, and knowing where I was in
Speaker 5: the relationship at the time, it just would have been
Speaker 5: a band aid to prolong the inevitable, okay, because at
Speaker 5: that point, you know, the issues that we had in
Speaker 5: our sex life were because we had issues of our
Speaker 5: trust life, and so you know, it would have been
Speaker 5: a symptom and it would have but it would have
Speaker 5: allowed me to stay in it longer. Yeah, you know which, again,
Speaker 5: in the greatest scheme of things, isn't that healthy? I
Speaker 5: don't think so. And at this point I just you know, look,
Speaker 5: if we're not trying to do that and be a
Speaker 5: totally solid team like that, then go do what you're doing,
Speaker 5: or let's redefine the terms of the relationship.
Speaker 1: We're going to continue this conversation. Hold on, stay tuned,
Speaker 1: we'll be right back. Welcome back to the hour spot.
Speaker 1: Let's get back to the conversation.
Speaker 4: One of the things I think that she said, I
Speaker 4: think is important is this could be the opening of
Speaker 4: a bigger conversation, a really special watershed moment where two
Speaker 4: people start getting real because one of the reasons why
Speaker 4: people cheat is because they just wanted to be heard.
Speaker 4: You start off as a conversation with somebody at work,
Speaker 4: somebody at the gym, somebody at church mosque, and a god,
Speaker 4: somebody in their proximity on to train somebody to must stop.
Speaker 4: They had something that they wanted to say at the
Speaker 4: crib and they couldn't get anybody who listened to them.
Speaker 4: And then they came and someone noticed that look on
Speaker 4: their face of consternation, and they said you are right,
Speaker 4: And that question alone was like no. And the person
Speaker 4: who asked that question unlocked the door to inner sanctum
Speaker 4: of that person's person and the person that they care about.
Speaker 4: They also had been given access to the key, and they,
Speaker 4: for whatever reason, punched it on them. They said, you
Speaker 4: know what, I'm going to pass on it. So that
Speaker 4: person who answered the call, who unlocked the inner sanctum,
Speaker 4: who came in and asked the questions and began a conversation,
Speaker 4: they get access to an intimacy that the other person cannot.
Speaker 1: Now forgive me, But I just have I have a
Speaker 1: whole thing about cheating. I don't even know how people
Speaker 1: define cheating, because for me, it's about integrity, it's about honesty,
Speaker 1: it's about commitment. So you can't cheat on me and
Speaker 1: cheat on yourself. Now, what you can do is lie
Speaker 1: to me. What you can do is violate your own
Speaker 1: personal integrity. What you can do is betray my trust.
Speaker 1: But you can't cheat on me. That is just too
Speaker 1: too minor of a word. But I hear what you're saying.
Speaker 1: Most people want to be heard, and sometimes in our
Speaker 1: intimate relationships we do that thing of taking each other
Speaker 1: for granted. Stop listening. Let me go to the twenty
Speaker 1: year old that we had, the fifty year old and
Speaker 1: the old geezers over here. That would be you and me,
Speaker 1: mister Steve. Well, let's go to let's go to the
Speaker 1: youngest young Miss k. Miss Kay is a late twenties,
Speaker 1: so we gonna let her talk for the late twenties
Speaker 1: and the early thirties. If your partner asked you for
Speaker 1: a hall pass for a day, or you get to
Speaker 1: define the terms of it, what would you say.
Speaker 6: I feel like I would be more interested into why
Speaker 6: he feels like he needs it, more interested in like,
Speaker 6: is there something you're not getting in our relationship, because
Speaker 6: that's not the terms of our relationship where me and you,
Speaker 6: you and me and that's it. But if you feel
Speaker 6: like you need a hall pass, why.
Speaker 1: I'm just curious. This person has just sparked some curiosity
Speaker 1: in me. I'm not saying I want to sleep with them,
Speaker 1: but I also know if that happens. I want you
Speaker 1: to know I'm not gonna lie and sneak around. It's
Speaker 1: nothing wrong with you. I love you, you are my boot.
Speaker 1: I'm coming home, but I just want to investigate this.
Speaker 1: It's just something that I feel I.
Speaker 5: Want to do then I think he should.
Speaker 1: And would you give the hall pass?
Speaker 7: I would?
Speaker 6: And I want to know what you learned and what
Speaker 6: you discovered. If it's definite that you coming home and
Speaker 6: you aren't going to lie to me or do anything
Speaker 6: that you're you know anything extra than what you're telling me,
Speaker 6: then go do it. Go discover that. I want to
Speaker 6: know what you find.
Speaker 1: But I don't know. I want the hall pass because
Speaker 1: I don't know what's going to happen. It may it
Speaker 1: may not happen. But I want you to know. This
Speaker 1: is what I'm up to. This is a one time deal,
Speaker 1: a one shot deal, and I want you to know.
Speaker 6: I feel like because I'm young, I feel like you
Speaker 6: should go discover it. Like I'm not married.
Speaker 1: Suppose you saw something that tickled your interests and your curiosity,
Speaker 1: would you ask your partner for hall paths?
Speaker 3: No?
Speaker 1: Why not? Why wouldn't you ask your You're not married?
Speaker 1: Why wouldn't you ask your partner for hall paths?
Speaker 6: I just don't think I will allow myself to do that.
Speaker 6: I rather be single and mingle rather than be in
Speaker 6: a relationship and see what else is out there? Okay,
Speaker 6: And I feel that way because I've only been with
Speaker 6: one person ever in like a relationship, and so if
Speaker 6: I'm looking elsewhere, and I think that I should just
Speaker 6: give myself the freedom to do so.
Speaker 1: Mmm yum to the young young, thank you. Let me
Speaker 1: let me go on over here to the forty something,
Speaker 1: because you know you right in the middle, you at
Speaker 1: that pivotal point forty you stepping into your real womanhood.
Speaker 1: You know, a woman ain't a woman until she's forty
Speaker 1: and the boobs fall down, because that's when it gets real. Okay.
Speaker 1: Would you give your partner a hall pass knowing that
Speaker 1: your boobs have fell down?
Speaker 3: Today? No?
Speaker 7: I would not. When I wass a I would have,
Speaker 7: But today no, because you know I'm in a relationship
Speaker 7: and we have best of time, we have commitments with
Speaker 7: one another, And I too would want to know what's
Speaker 7: the reason for needing the hall pass? Is there something
Speaker 7: that you're lacking? Is there something that I need to
Speaker 7: shift to support us or to support you? And I
Speaker 7: would appreciate though the conversation, knowing that you desire a
Speaker 7: hall pass, knowing that you are wanting to explore. I
Speaker 7: believe that it creates space for me to adjust and
Speaker 7: fulfill the need that's missing, if there is one, but
Speaker 7: to also just know where you are and to speak
Speaker 7: to what mister Parry said, also being able to accept
Speaker 7: that this is where we are and can move forward
Speaker 7: and move beyond it, and then what's required to do that.
Speaker 7: But also I think it's it can be very contingent
Speaker 7: on circumstances, right, So if I was unwell and able
Speaker 7: to physically fulfill his needs, I would be open to
Speaker 7: him going out and giving him a hall pass. So
Speaker 7: I think the certain circumstances or conditions of the relationship,
Speaker 7: you could sway me one way or the other. But
Speaker 7: it would really have to be I am physically unable
Speaker 7: to fulfill his needs, and then I would be open
Speaker 7: to it. But if we're good and he's saying that
Speaker 7: he's satisfied, and I'm what he desires and what he needs,
Speaker 7: I would not be open to the whole past.
Speaker 4: This is one of the questions that I think there
Speaker 4: is no right answer. There is no wrong answers, only
Speaker 4: what's best for you in this pursuit of happiness. If
Speaker 4: it's not something you're interested in, don't do it. If
Speaker 4: it is, then you do it. Our problem is that
Speaker 4: we spend too much time trying to convince somebody to
Speaker 4: do something that they do not want to do, and
Speaker 4: we have to accept that, like the most beautiful tree
Speaker 4: or the smallest shrub, they grow in the directions that
Speaker 4: they grow, and a shrub can't be a tree and
Speaker 4: a tree can't be a shrub. And we run into
Speaker 4: trouble and relationships when we expect our trees to be
Speaker 4: shrubs and our shrubs to be trees. When we expect
Speaker 4: our person who's not a monogamous person to be monogamous,
Speaker 4: and we expect the person's who's polyamorous to be something
Speaker 4: different well to be monogamous. So I think that what happens, though,
Speaker 4: is that people, especially people have been in relationships a
Speaker 4: long time, start to recognize that there are too many
Speaker 4: lies going on around them. And if you if you've
Speaker 4: been in relationships for a relationship for a long time,
Speaker 4: or you've been on earth for a long time, you
Speaker 4: start to recognize that so many people are lying to
Speaker 4: themselves and each other. And I think that it is
Speaker 4: a bad idea to convince someone who says no, I
Speaker 4: wouldn't do it, that you should do it. And I
Speaker 4: think that it is silly to try and convince someone
Speaker 4: who wants to do it that they shouldn't, And that's
Speaker 4: where the problem lies. So many people, when they get
Speaker 4: to that place where they bring this up to a
Speaker 4: person that they loved, are met with if you loved me,
Speaker 4: you wouldn't ask for this, and that's exactly.
Speaker 1: What I was.
Speaker 4: That's absolutely wrong. Love has nothing to do with the
Speaker 4: development of a person. A person develops into who they are,
Speaker 4: and I appreciate the notion that one could change who
Speaker 4: they are to satisfy a person if that was the
Speaker 4: issue satisfaction. But if we've been in a relationship with
Speaker 4: someone up to this point, and we've been having conversations
Speaker 4: up to this point, and that which I'm asking for
Speaker 4: is not here, it doesn't mean that I don't want
Speaker 4: to be here anymore, but there's something outside of this
Speaker 4: that I am asking for. On the same token, if
Speaker 4: I'm saying I want to close shop, then I want
Speaker 4: to close shop, and I don't want to have a
Speaker 4: conversation about that, and I don't want to be told
Speaker 4: that if I loved you, then I will let you
Speaker 4: do something that I diametrically am opposed to. I think
Speaker 4: the real question is how do you find people or
Speaker 4: a person who agree with your pathway to the pursuit
Speaker 4: of happiness. The happiest people are the ones who are
Speaker 4: traveling with people who want to go where they're going
Speaker 4: at the speed that they want to go.
Speaker 1: Mister Mike, another forty something here, would you ask for
Speaker 1: a hall pass if you wanted to explore, examine, and investigate.
Speaker 2: I would not personally. That would not ask for a
Speaker 2: hall pass personally because that is not the that is
Speaker 2: not the terms of our relationship that I agreed upon.
Speaker 2: It's something that's changed and I need to explore something
Speaker 2: or someone different, then that's a conversation. Being honest is
Speaker 2: more important than anything, in my opinion. So if you
Speaker 2: decide to the honesty part is what I appreciate what
Speaker 2: you said before. If we can have a conversation and
Speaker 2: mel through this issue or mel through this uh situation together,
Speaker 2: that brings us closer, That brings us tighter. But I
Speaker 2: don't I don't understand. I think a hall past is
Speaker 2: going to solve the issue. I think that's the way out.
Speaker 2: I think that's an excuse not to work hard. If
Speaker 2: it's something you're missing relationship, If this is what you
Speaker 2: want to be with, somebody want to someone you want
Speaker 2: to bottle down with. Then get the trenches, let's let's
Speaker 2: get it done. Lets move forward. I think a Hall
Speaker 2: has an excuse to step out.
Speaker 1: I started this out by saying things change, people change,
Speaker 1: people change.
Speaker 2: So in the beginning.
Speaker 1: This this is it. I love you, I still love you.
Speaker 1: I don't want to I don't want to lose you.
Speaker 1: I don't want to give up what we have, what
Speaker 1: we're working towards. But I you know, rather than lie
Speaker 1: and rather than sneak around, I want to go back
Speaker 1: to something David said. You know, it's a conversation. Uh,
Speaker 1: this is where I'm at, this is who I'm with.
Speaker 1: Maybe not ask for the Hall past, but at what
Speaker 1: point do you give up your right as a grown
Speaker 1: adult with hander your arms to do something that you
Speaker 1: think you need to do for you, even if you're
Speaker 1: in a relationship.
Speaker 2: At what point you don't right if you if you
Speaker 2: need to find something is for then you can go
Speaker 2: do something. You just have to close one door first.
Speaker 5: For me, here's here's the thing for me, And this
Speaker 5: really opens a whole bigger can of worms. But the
Speaker 5: truth is most of us are not in relationship with
Speaker 5: each other, right, we in relationship with what you do
Speaker 5: and don't do, And things like hall passes and polyamory
Speaker 5: require a level of self awareness and consciousness and most importantly,
Speaker 5: honesty that most people don't exercise in relationships. Right, I'm
Speaker 5: gonna get with you because I'm sad that my daddy
Speaker 5: never left me. And what I really need from you
Speaker 5: is to be everything that I need to be in
Speaker 5: a man, at least what I make up a man
Speaker 5: would have been, and given me the thing. We don't
Speaker 5: tell that many times because we're not aware of it,
Speaker 5: and if we are aware of it, we don't speak
Speaker 5: those things, right. And so what happens is that our
Speaker 5: behavior interacts with the other one, right, a really solid
Speaker 5: I know who I am, you know who you are. Look,
Speaker 5: I just want to go and you know I usually
Speaker 5: I do like tacco Bell, but I want to hit
Speaker 5: it up Chipotle today. You are right with that, you know,
Speaker 5: like there's a world in which that can happen. But
Speaker 5: because number one, we're not really aware of the needs
Speaker 5: that we're filling very often or trying to fill with
Speaker 5: our relationships, then we have a hard time being fully
Speaker 5: honest in them. And the other thing is because of
Speaker 5: the scarcity that most people have with relationships in love,
Speaker 5: instead of getting into a relationship with who the person
Speaker 5: is as they are right now, you know, I would
Speaker 5: be with you exactly as you are for the rest
Speaker 5: of my life the way you are right now. What
Speaker 5: we do is we get in relationship with them and
Speaker 5: try and mold them in to who we want them
Speaker 5: to be, or who really who we need them to be.
Speaker 5: And then what happens is just what doctor Steve was
Speaker 5: talking about. Down the road, those mismatches become more and
Speaker 5: more evident, right because the truth is, I said I
Speaker 5: would get on this bus with you and go to here,
Speaker 5: but I really wanted to go over there. But I
Speaker 5: would rather be on a bus with somebody than to
Speaker 5: go where it was I was headed. And at some
Speaker 5: point that begins to break down. So you know, for me,
Speaker 5: it's getting down to that honesty piece. It's getting down to,
Speaker 5: you know, being aware enough to know really what you're
Speaker 5: doing in a relationship and what the needs you're trying
Speaker 5: to feel is. There's other people involved in these things, right,
Speaker 5: So you may not think it's a date, but does
Speaker 5: he think it's a date? Does she think it's a date?
Speaker 5: Because and that actually that happened to me about twenty
Speaker 5: years ago. I was I was dating this girl, and
Speaker 5: you know this guy just oh, no, he's just friendly,
Speaker 5: he's friend. Oh he's being friendly. I said, he gonna
Speaker 5: friendly you out to dinner. No, no, no, And the
Speaker 5: next thing you know, they're out to dinner. And sure
Speaker 5: enough she went out and I said, I'm telling you,
Speaker 5: this is a date for him. This is not a date.
Speaker 5: She came home red face talking about Yeah, he thought
Speaker 5: it was a date, you know, And so we have
Speaker 5: you have to be mindful what does the other person think?
Speaker 5: Because just because you want a hall pass, do they
Speaker 5: know you on a hall pass? Or do they think
Speaker 5: they're about to start something fun?
Speaker 1: I think that's important. Let's let's look at everything that
Speaker 1: we've got in the soup right now, because we got
Speaker 1: potatoes and peanuts, we got hot sauce and tartar sauce,
Speaker 1: all of it. First of all, a hall pass, if
Speaker 1: you were to consider it, would it need to be
Speaker 1: specific time, date, place, location yes? Or no? Okay? Yes?
Speaker 7: I need all the deats.
Speaker 1: And you need them in advance. Is that accurate? Okay?
Speaker 1: I'm gonna ask you this, Z. Does a hall pass
Speaker 1: necessarily violate the original parameters of the relationship if it's
Speaker 1: not the discussed mister Mike, if your partner asks you
Speaker 1: for a hall past, does that necessarily mean to you
Speaker 1: that there's something missing or wrong in the relationship?
Speaker 2: Yees?
Speaker 1: Okay, So okay, this is this is good? David? Is
Speaker 1: asking for a hall past better than just cheating? And why?
Speaker 5: Yeah? Well, I mean I think just what you said earlier,
Speaker 5: because one is about integrity, the other is about exploration, right,
Speaker 5: because if cheating is now I'm not here doing this,
Speaker 5: I've broken my agreements to you operating in secret. So
Speaker 5: I think asking for the hall past is better. Though,
Speaker 5: can you recover from the ask? Because there's just some
Speaker 5: questions once you ask them that can't have the bad
Speaker 5: You know, just just asking the question might be as
Speaker 5: bad as doing today.
Speaker 7: I think not asking the question is even worse, right,
Speaker 7: because in a relationship you have to be able to
Speaker 7: communicate with your partner, so you hold it if it's
Speaker 7: a desire, and then you go without, which thing creates
Speaker 7: a bigger issue, a bigger challenge. So if you are
Speaker 7: not with someone that you can actually ask that question.
Speaker 5: Now, does it raise some flags?
Speaker 6: Yes?
Speaker 3: Does it?
Speaker 7: Could it potentially make you feel insecure that you're lacking
Speaker 7: something for your partner? Yes, But also knowing your partner
Speaker 7: and communicating is very important. So you have to be
Speaker 7: able to say, hey can I get a hall passed?
Speaker 7: Here's why? Or hey, I'm not fulfilled in this relationship?
Speaker 7: What do we do about that? Because I don't want
Speaker 7: to just go behind your back. I don't want to
Speaker 7: just step out on you. So how do we fix?
Speaker 7: How do we resolve? Are you open?
Speaker 4: Are you with me.
Speaker 7: Going out here getting my knees met and come home?
Speaker 5: You know?
Speaker 7: And I think that there has to be space for
Speaker 7: conversations like this in relationships. People have to be able
Speaker 7: to tell their truth and not being able to do
Speaker 7: that is what causes a lot of breakdowns and relationships.
Speaker 1: Now, K, you're young, so I want to bring this
Speaker 1: one to you first. You're young, and you said, this
Speaker 1: is the first relationship you've been in. What if your
Speaker 1: partner is doing this not because there's anything wrong with you,
Speaker 1: but because they need to take care of themselves in
Speaker 1: this way? You know, I would ask that of the
Speaker 1: forties to fifties and old geezers like myself. This has
Speaker 1: nothing to do with you. This is what this person
Speaker 1: needs to take care of themselves and they want to
Speaker 1: be upfront and honest about it. I want to do this.
Speaker 1: How does that land for you?
Speaker 6: I feel like then he should definitely go discover that.
Speaker 6: I definitely stand by that. Like, if this is something
Speaker 6: that you feel like you absolutely need to do for yourself,
Speaker 6: then you should do that. If I love you, then
Speaker 6: it means I stand by you doing what you need
Speaker 6: to take care of yourself.
Speaker 1: Okay, I'm gonna put that to you too, mister Mike.
Speaker 1: What if it has absolutely nothing to do with you.
Speaker 1: What if this is what she needs to do just
Speaker 1: to fulfill herself.
Speaker 2: Absolutely I would support that person or her and making
Speaker 2: herself better or fulfilling her knees that she needs that,
Speaker 2: she needs men, absolutely, but it also comes with consequences.
Speaker 2: You can do that. I will support you by doing that,
Speaker 2: but you can't be with me while doing that. That's
Speaker 2: all that doesn't like you need to support yourself. I
Speaker 2: honestly need to take care of myself, right, I have
Speaker 2: no problem supporting you doing that, but I gotta, I gotta,
Speaker 2: I gotta make sure I'm I'm good also, and I
Speaker 2: can't be good knowing you're with another man thing we'd
Speaker 2: together for me.
Speaker 1: Miss C. Can you be good knowing that him being
Speaker 1: with another woman for breakfast, lunch, or dinner or rolling
Speaker 1: in the hay is what he needed for himself and
Speaker 1: he's honest with you, he tells you about it. Could
Speaker 1: you be okay with that?
Speaker 7: I could learn to be okay with it, And for me,
Speaker 7: a lot of it depends on the circumstances. So if
Speaker 7: you are honest with me, and I'm clear that I
Speaker 7: have not been present or fulfilling your needs, then yes,
Speaker 7: if you have been honest with me and it has
Speaker 7: nothing to do with me, I don't think that I've
Speaker 7: ever left a man for cheating on me. I've left
Speaker 7: because they've lied and they've disrespected me.
Speaker 4: So I don't feel like there.
Speaker 7: Isn't room to recover from issues and challenges and relationships.
Speaker 7: So yes, I could move through it. But it's the integrity,
Speaker 7: it's the honoring of the commitment. It's the honesty that
Speaker 7: has to be in place, because if I can't trust you,
Speaker 7: and then that opens the door for another challenge, another
Speaker 7: issue that we'd had and.
Speaker 1: We'll talk about that when we come back. Welcome back
Speaker 1: to the R spot, Iami, young land boy, have we
Speaker 1: cooked up a stude to day? Would you give your
Speaker 1: partner whole pass? That means, would you just let him
Speaker 1: go out and run them up for a day, loose
Speaker 1: booty all over the place? Would you do it? Could
Speaker 1: you do it? And could you survive if they did it?
Speaker 1: That is the question or the r spat table, And
Speaker 1: it is juicy, juicy, juicy. So let me ask you this.
Speaker 1: So let me go to you, k because for me,
Speaker 1: you know, young'uns are doing some different stuff. I don't understand.
Speaker 1: When I was growing up, it was called polygamy where
Speaker 1: the man had one or two wives. But now it's
Speaker 1: called the thropple where there are two women and a
Speaker 1: man or two men and a woman. I don't see
Speaker 1: that one as much. Are you? Are you hip to
Speaker 1: those things? Young and over there, miss Ka.
Speaker 6: I'm hip to it, but I'm not into it.
Speaker 1: That's like that, that is a permission slip that ain't all.
Speaker 5: Around.
Speaker 6: Then if that's you know, I'm not going to be
Speaker 6: in a relationship with more than one person. I feel
Speaker 6: like that's a lot I got. I'm dealing with my
Speaker 6: own stuff. Three a couple of three. That's a lot.
Speaker 1: Because we could consider that a hall pass is really
Speaker 1: just sanctioned cheating. Yeah, you're gonna cheat, and I'm gonna
Speaker 1: let you know, and then we don't get to deal
Speaker 1: with the challenges in our relationships. When I was married,
Speaker 1: and because this is what I know, I know that
Speaker 1: men are visual, They like visual things. They like to look.
Speaker 1: So whenever I saw my husband looking, I looked to
Speaker 1: see where he was looking because I wanted to know
Speaker 1: what does she have on? What does she look like?
Speaker 1: You know? And he's a he was a butt man.
Speaker 1: He wasn't a breast man or leg man. He was
Speaker 1: well actually was butt and legs he was. So I'm
Speaker 1: looking at her. That ain't nothing I can do about
Speaker 1: my legs, my little mocking bird legs that I have,
Speaker 1: and I cannot sing. There's nothing I could do about that.
Speaker 1: But I was also okay, well what does she have on?
Speaker 1: And here's my great cheating story. And this was not
Speaker 1: a hall pass because for me, there's a distinction between
Speaker 1: a hall pass and cheating. That's just for me. Like
Speaker 1: I said, I'm old, I've been around since you know,
Speaker 1: bread costs twenty five cents, so I don't know if
Speaker 1: my voteuts. But I was married in my house, minding
Speaker 1: my business. The doorbell rings and a younger woman and
Speaker 1: an older woman show up at my door. And the
Speaker 1: older woman says it introduced me, tells me who she is,
Speaker 1: and her question to me was, when are you going
Speaker 1: to sign the divorce papers because my daughter is, you know,
Speaker 1: engaged to Charles. That was my husband. He's dead, so
Speaker 1: I could mention his name and they can't get married
Speaker 1: because you won't sign the divorce papers. It was a
Speaker 1: sunny July day. I was hanging largely on the line
Speaker 1: and here comes a mother with her daughter to the
Speaker 1: wife of the man her daughter is seeing. Okay, you
Speaker 1: know what I did, I said, hold on one second.
Speaker 1: I went inside and pulled every piece of his clothes
Speaker 1: off the closet and put in a black plastic bag.
Speaker 1: Two or three of them dragged them to the door.
Speaker 1: I said, here, I'm not stopping you because for me,
Speaker 1: that was beyond the hall pass That was, like I said,
Speaker 1: a breach of integrity, a betrayal of my trust, and
Speaker 1: a broken commitment. Is that what a hall passes? Is
Speaker 1: it a betrayal of trust. Is it a breach of commitment?
Speaker 1: Is it just a violation of what the relationship is
Speaker 1: based on. If your partner word to ask you for
Speaker 1: a hall pass, mister Mike, I'm gonna start with you.
Speaker 2: I think asking for the hall pass is the before
Speaker 2: you know what I mean. So that's that's the act
Speaker 2: of not breaching the uh of dourcumitment or not breaking
Speaker 2: our trust. I think that's the honesty part that is required,
Speaker 2: so you don't breach or break any rules. Come, come
Speaker 2: to your partner first, things are discussed between at home,
Speaker 2: Come to the union first, trusting within the union first,
Speaker 2: before you decide to make your own decisions. That's that's
Speaker 2: that's the point of a union, right. We come together
Speaker 2: to be one. So in us being one, we need
Speaker 2: to discuss what's going on so we can both be safe,
Speaker 2: so we both have a safe space to discuss what
Speaker 2: we want to do, what we need, how we want
Speaker 2: to do it, before we make a decision to do
Speaker 2: whatever you want to do.
Speaker 5: David, you know, I see him as two distinct things.
Speaker 5: If it's not strong enough to withstand a question, you
Speaker 5: got bigger issues than a hall pass, you know, if
Speaker 5: I can't say to you, you know, this, this or
Speaker 5: that ran across my mind because minds do what minds do,
Speaker 5: you know, And if we can't have that kind of
Speaker 5: open conversation, I think we have bigger issues, you know. Again,
Speaker 5: for me, the cheating is you know, that's an integrity breach,
Speaker 5: you know, And that's that's one thing I can't tolerate.
Speaker 5: I really and honestly, I could do a physical hall
Speaker 5: pass much easier than I could an emotional hall pass
Speaker 5: because at the points you start to withhold your heart
Speaker 5: from me, that's not safe.
Speaker 2: For me.
Speaker 5: Booty is booty, you know what I mean. It's just
Speaker 5: you know, like really that that for me is the
Speaker 5: is the cheapest commodity in the relationship.
Speaker 1: I'm gonna put that on the t shoot.
Speaker 4: Sure, some.
Speaker 5: Loose booty flying all over the place, but you know,
Speaker 5: for me, that's the lowest hanging fruit. That's the lowest
Speaker 5: hanging fruit on the thing. So I would I would this.
Speaker 5: I know some people will be horrified at this. I'd
Speaker 5: rather you you know, let somebody shot lift the pooty
Speaker 5: than than to to take a piece of your heart
Speaker 5: and withhold it from me and share it with somebody
Speaker 5: else that's for me is far more dangerous for me.
Speaker 1: M Okay, is it easier for a woman to get
Speaker 1: over a man cheating than it is for a man
Speaker 1: to get over a woman cheating?
Speaker 2: Mister Mike, In my opinion, yes, simply because women are very,
Speaker 2: very emotional and men are Most men are more physical
Speaker 2: than emotion. So just like, give a puns in your face,
Speaker 2: you're gonna put a bag of peas on it. You
Speaker 2: going the hill and let somebody break your heart? You
Speaker 2: know what I mean? You're you're sitting there crying and
Speaker 2: moving and little crawling all your girlfriend name want the
Speaker 2: lightest call on fire? And it's a lot a lot nobody.
Speaker 1: All right, let's do some rapid fire here before we close.
Speaker 1: I'm gonna ask you a question as all you got
Speaker 1: to do is give me a one word answer. What
Speaker 1: pops into your heart? First? Okay? If your partner asks
Speaker 1: you for a hall pass, what would your first response be?
Speaker 5: Deva, My answer would be huh. I would probably say yes, no, why?
Speaker 2: Why?
Speaker 1: All right? Next? Rapid fire? Is asking for a hall
Speaker 1: pass better than cheating? Or the same thing? Ze better
Speaker 1: better deva better better? All right? If your partner wants
Speaker 1: a hall pass? What does that mean to you?
Speaker 5: Okay, something's not right, something must be missing.
Speaker 4: It means we have to have a conversation.
Speaker 1: Mike. Is it possible that a hall pass could be
Speaker 1: helpful to the relationship? Could it be helpful, mister Mike, Yes, yes, yes, absolutely.
Speaker 1: Would you ever ask your partner for a hall path? Ze?
Speaker 1: No Mike, no, okay no, David, all right, final rapid fire.
Speaker 1: What do you think is the most important thing in
Speaker 1: a relationship that could keep a hall pass from being necessary?
Speaker 1: Let me go to you first, mister Mike.
Speaker 2: Communication, communication and communication, okay, the most important in every
Speaker 2: relationship man and women and women and women, women and son,
Speaker 2: son and daughter, and every single relationship there is so
Speaker 2: that exists. I think communication is the most important thing.
Speaker 1: Okay, Okay.
Speaker 6: Having a safe space is very important because it I
Speaker 6: feel like you have to be you have to feel
Speaker 6: comfortable enough to come have a conversation like that or
Speaker 6: about that.
Speaker 7: Okay, Z what do you think friendship and communication? Because
Speaker 7: there are just some things that I will never do
Speaker 7: to my friend mm hm.
Speaker 1: Wow, Davia.
Speaker 5: First of all, honesty, like like honest, honest honesty, But
Speaker 5: more importantly in what's going on today, seeing each other,
Speaker 5: not being distracted by devices and outside influences, and accepting
Speaker 5: the person for who they are right now, not who
Speaker 5: you think they could be, because that leaves a lot
Speaker 5: of suspiciousness for people.
Speaker 1: If I had to ask myself, would I give my
Speaker 1: partner a hall path, my first response would be tell
Speaker 1: me what you mean when you say that? That would
Speaker 1: be my first question. I would want a clear definition
Speaker 1: of what a hall pass is. Would I asked my
Speaker 1: partner for a hall past? Absolutely I would, because I'm old,
Speaker 1: I ain't got much time left, and if I see
Speaker 1: a trinket on the side of the road that I
Speaker 1: want to play with, I want to play with that trinket. O. No,
Speaker 1: would I asked my partner for a hall past? Probably not,
Speaker 1: probably not at this stage. But I would ask my
Speaker 1: part to be my hall past if there was something
Speaker 1: that I needed that I felt was missing, if there
Speaker 1: was something that we needed to explore and examine today
Speaker 1: and again at my age, it ain't gonna be too kinky, okay,
Speaker 1: but I would ask my partner to be my hall past.
Speaker 7: So see, that's that wisdom, that's that wisdom. I mean,
Speaker 7: I love that you know, let's let's go on and
Speaker 7: pretend and you're going to be my hall past.
Speaker 1: Let's do yeah, do you know dress up kinky or something?
Speaker 7: I don't know.
Speaker 1: I love that. And what do I think is absolutely
Speaker 1: missing from relationships today? And for me, it's trust, First
Speaker 1: of all, trusting yourself that where you are with the
Speaker 1: person you're with is exactly where you need to be.
Speaker 1: Trusting yourself that you have what it takes to create
Speaker 1: the relationship, that you want to be the person that
Speaker 1: you want to be, and also trusting the other person.
Speaker 1: For me, if if I can't trust you, then there's
Speaker 1: no reason for us to be together. I have to
Speaker 1: trust you with my heart. I have to trust you
Speaker 1: with my secrets. I have to trust you with my vulnerabilities.
Speaker 1: I think it was Kay that said a safe place
Speaker 1: you have to be my safe place to fall. And
Speaker 1: if that's not who you are and where you are,
Speaker 1: then a hall pass really isn't going to help us
Speaker 1: at all. So I think trust because when I trust you,
Speaker 1: I will share my secrets and I will share my heart,
Speaker 1: and I will tell you what I'm thinking, what I'm feeling,
Speaker 1: what I need. So for me today, the thing that's
Speaker 1: missing is is trust. We do this kind of bartering
Speaker 1: and exchange of needs. You feel this need for me,
Speaker 1: I'll feel that need for you. You give me this,
Speaker 1: I'll give you that. You do this, I'll do that.
Speaker 1: And that is not how you build a relationship. So
Speaker 1: I want to thank my guests. I want to thank
Speaker 1: my callers. This has been a very well seasoned soup today.
Speaker 1: And for all of you you listening out there, really
Speaker 1: take this into a bigger conversation and listen. Maybe girlfriend gatherings,
Speaker 1: maybe take it to the barbershop. Would you give your
Speaker 1: partner a hall pass or would you ask for a
Speaker 1: hall pass? Do you think it's a good idea for
Speaker 1: partners to stay up front what it is they need,
Speaker 1: what it is that they're doing. Why would you want
Speaker 1: a hall pass? Do you think it's something missing in
Speaker 1: a relationship? Is it just curiosity? Why would you want
Speaker 1: a hall pass? And does your partner asking for a
Speaker 1: hall pass or you needing a hall pass mean that
Speaker 1: there's something wrong with the relationship? And as asking for
Speaker 1: a hall pass better than slipping around, slipping in the darkness, cheating,
Speaker 1: which would you rather have? Thank you for tuning in today.
Speaker 1: Oh wow? What an incredible conversation. I hope that you
Speaker 1: heard something that you can use in your life, something
Speaker 1: thing that will lift you up, something that will expand you,
Speaker 1: and something that will help you in your relationship. So
Speaker 1: I want to see you next time. In the meantime,
Speaker 1: stay in peace and not in pieces. Bye. The R
Speaker 1: Spot is a production of Shondaland Audio in partnership with iHeartRadio.
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