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Speaker 1: I am a Yamla. I had a baby daddy relationship.

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Speaker 1: I spent time in a relationship with a married man.

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Speaker 1: I had to learn the skills and tools required to

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Speaker 1: make my relationships healthy, fulfilling and loving. Welcome to the

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Speaker 1: R Spot, a production of shandaland Audio in partnership with iHeartRadio.

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Speaker 1: Welcome to the R Spot. I am Yamla, your host,

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Speaker 1: your guide, your posse as we walk through this incredible,

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Speaker 1: incredible mind field. It is a mind am I NDI

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Speaker 1: field and it's a mine am I end field of questions, challenges, issues, revelations,

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Speaker 1: and that field is the area of relationships. Relationships. We've

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Speaker 1: got all kinds of relationships that we talk about, and

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Speaker 1: today we've got a really juicy, juicy topic and I'm

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Speaker 1: really excited about this, and we're gonna do it a

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Speaker 1: little different. We're gonna have a conversation. Here's what I know.

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Speaker 1: Relationships have changed, or shall I say, people have changed,

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Speaker 1: and therefore how we look at how we approach, how

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Speaker 1: we live in relationships that has changed. Because there's some

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Speaker 1: things going on in the relationship field right now that

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Speaker 1: in my day when I was growing up, not only

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Speaker 1: would they send you straight to hell, they'd be an

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Speaker 1: offense to the Lord, and you would just burn up

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Speaker 1: like a crisp. Things like thrumples, things like same sex relationships.

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Speaker 1: You didn't talk about that stuff out loud. And now

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Speaker 1: not only are people talking about it and doing it,

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Speaker 1: it's on social media. Oh my goodness. But relationships have changed,

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Speaker 1: and I think that's because we have changed, and yet

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Speaker 1: we're still trying to live in this paradigm that obviously

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Speaker 1: is not working. Now, we know relationships are a place

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Speaker 1: that we go to learn to grow, to heal. So

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Speaker 1: the question that I put on the table today is

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Speaker 1: would you give your partner a Hall pass? If your

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Speaker 1: partner came to you and said, listen, I see someone.

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Speaker 1: I'm a little curious. We'd love to just explore, investigate.

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Speaker 1: I want a one day Hall pass or a one

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Speaker 1: week Hall pass. Would you be willing to give your

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Speaker 1: partner a Hall pass to investigate? And what would you

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Speaker 1: tell yourself about the request? What would you tell yourself

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Speaker 1: about doing it? I mean, is it a violation of

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Speaker 1: the relationship, is it cheating with them asking you be offensive?

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Speaker 1: Would you see it as something they're doing to you

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Speaker 1: or something they're doing for themselves? And would you prefer

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Speaker 1: that they lie and sneak around a hall pass? Maybe

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Speaker 1: it has nothing to do with sex. What if it's

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Speaker 1: just breakfast, lunch, and dinner. Do you think that it's

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Speaker 1: gonna go further? And do you trust your partner to

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Speaker 1: honor the request? I just want a hall pass to

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Speaker 1: investigate or what if you needed a hall pass? Would

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Speaker 1: you be willing to ask for one? Because relationships are

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Speaker 1: not the way they used to be. One man, one woman,

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Speaker 1: two cats, a dog and four kids. It's not like

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Speaker 1: that anymore, and we keep trying to live that way.

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Speaker 1: So today I want to have a conversation. In addition

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Speaker 1: to having some guests, I want to have a conversation

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Speaker 1: about the hall pass and the changes in relationships. Greetings,

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Speaker 1: how are you welcome to the R spot? Today? We

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Speaker 1: are talking about would you give your partner all pass?

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Speaker 1: Would you put restrictions on it? Or would you just

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Speaker 1: be okay with whatever they wanted to do?

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Speaker 2: Hi?

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Speaker 3: Doctor Allah?

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Speaker 1: Hi? How are you?

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Speaker 3: Oh?

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Speaker 2: I'm doing good.

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Speaker 3: It's so good to hear your voice again.

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Speaker 2: It's wild.

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Speaker 1: Yeah.

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Speaker 2: I will not give Curtis.

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Speaker 4: A hall path?

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Speaker 1: Why not? Why not?

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Speaker 3: Because I wouldn't want to share I wouldn't want to

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Speaker 3: share him right, and and to me, I feel like,

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Speaker 3: to me, the relationship wouldn't be the same because if

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Speaker 3: if I'm all about you and I'm committed to you,

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Speaker 3: and you and you're committed to me, why would we

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Speaker 3: bring a third party into it? If that if that's

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Speaker 3: something that we do, or if that's our lifestyle, that's different.

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Speaker 3: But if we're admitted to each other, I wouldn't want

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Speaker 3: to I wouldn't want to do that. I think it

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Speaker 3: would to me, I think it would ruin the relationship.

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Speaker 1: Well, what if it's just curiosity? What if rather than

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Speaker 1: sneaking around lying he said, you know, I met someone

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Speaker 1: I've seen someone like to take them to dinner, maybe

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Speaker 1: out to the movies. I don't know what else will happen,

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Speaker 1: but I want to haul pass.

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Speaker 3: Hmmm. I would say, let's go ahead and th off

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Speaker 3: of the divorce and be done with him, because I

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Speaker 3: want my own man to myself. Can I share something

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Speaker 3: with you? The anti I call you? AIN'TI right?

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Speaker 4: Right?

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Speaker 3: I found men attractive, It's been it's been recent. I

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Speaker 3: found some years back. I would look at our men

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Speaker 3: and I never paid no attention. I just thought they

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Speaker 3: were wonderful and exude confidence, as Pastor Marcus would say,

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Speaker 3: you know, confidence, And they were wonderful and their fruits

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Speaker 3: and the way they live in the world, and how

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Speaker 3: great they are and amazing they are. But I just

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Speaker 3: recently started attention these last two three, three four years

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Speaker 3: to how amazingly handsome men are.

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Speaker 2: Because at first, I would.

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Speaker 3: You know, how you know, how you at the store

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Speaker 3: or you're out and about and you see clearly see

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Speaker 3: a handsome man. But I would not just stare at them.

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Speaker 3: I would look at them and notice them, and you know,

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Speaker 3: I would in passing and just keep going. Now I

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Speaker 3: actually look at men and notice how.

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Speaker 2: Handsome they are.

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Speaker 3: I don't know what's going on with me. I'm paying

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Speaker 3: attention to how good looking men are. What is that

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Speaker 3: all about?

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Speaker 1: Well, I don't know. Maybe you need a hall pass.

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Speaker 1: Maybe you need to ask Curtis Fall Would you ask Curtis?

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Speaker 1: Would you ask Curtis for a hall pass if you

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Speaker 1: saw a handsome man at the supermarket and you just

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Speaker 1: wanted to have a conversation, because see, you're assuming that

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Speaker 1: the hall pass is going to lead to sex. It

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Speaker 1: may just be a conversation. It may just be like

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Speaker 1: I said, curiosity.

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Speaker 2: Curiosity.

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Speaker 3: Yeah, so you're saying you were asking me if I

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Speaker 3: would ask Curtis if I.

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Speaker 2: Could have a hall of halb. Yes, just nodmn you no, ma'am.

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Speaker 3: As as attractive as I find other men, and the

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Speaker 3: way I'm finding them attractive these days I made, I

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Speaker 3: would be afraid, oh my god, something else came up.

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Speaker 3: I would be afraid that if you can already find

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Speaker 3: someone attractive on the phone, can you imagine that chemistry

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Speaker 3: in person? Yes, I can, right, I would be afraid

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Speaker 3: that I would want to see them again.

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Speaker 1: I'm going to send you some love and light. Thank

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Speaker 1: you so much, Thank you, thank you. Alrighty bye bye.

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Speaker 1: So I've got some guests with me. Okay, We've got Dava,

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Speaker 1: who's a fifty something. We've got z who's a forty something.

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Speaker 1: We've got Kay who's a twenty something. And then you've

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Speaker 1: got me, old as dirt, been married three times twice

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Speaker 1: to the same person. So obviously I can't get this

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Speaker 1: thing right. But the real interesting part is I got

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Speaker 1: some men. I've got mister Steve, who's married and has

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Speaker 1: a really good perspective, and I've got mister Mike, who's

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Speaker 1: not married, but is engaged, and he probably has been

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Speaker 1: around a little bit and has some perspective. So I

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Speaker 1: want to thank all of you for being here. Let

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Speaker 1: me hear your perspective and listen. Davia has also had

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Speaker 1: the experience of a same sex relationship, so it's not

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Speaker 1: just about men and women. I want this soup to

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Speaker 1: be cooked up with every spice we can put in it. Okay,

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Speaker 1: let me start with the men. Okay, mister Steve, would

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Speaker 1: you give your partner a hall pass if she asks

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Speaker 1: for one, or if you needed one, would you ask

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Speaker 1: for it?

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Speaker 4: I think by the time someone asks you for a

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Speaker 4: haul past, they've decided that this is going to happen.

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Speaker 4: So the question really is are you comfortable with the

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Speaker 4: direction that your relationship is now about to go. It

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Speaker 4: is not a question that is asked in a vacuum.

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Speaker 4: It is not a theoretical question. If by the time

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Speaker 4: your partner has spoken that they want to engage in

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Speaker 4: a relationship of some type that they know is outside

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Speaker 4: of what might feel platonic and or safe, they've likely

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Speaker 4: got a person or process in mind. So the question

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Speaker 4: is not whether or not you would give it. It's

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Speaker 4: whether or not you would accept where you are. In

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Speaker 4: order for a relationship to truly enter into the beautiful stage,

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Speaker 4: you have to ask yourself, am I prepared to stay

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Speaker 4: in the relationship while my partner grows beyond what I

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Speaker 4: met and they grow into themselves? Am I prepared to

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Speaker 4: engage in the most uncomfortable parts? And am I prepared

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Speaker 4: to say yes to this question? Will I stay after

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Speaker 4: my partner does the thing that I said that I

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Speaker 4: would never put up with? Because that's what marriage really does.

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Speaker 4: Marriage challenges you on what your own values are, what

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Speaker 4: you will and will not accept. There's a reason why

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Speaker 4: there are over forty million people on Ashley Madison. You're

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Speaker 4: talking about forty million people who have said that they

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Speaker 4: are married, but who are actively engaged in what my

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Speaker 4: be considered a hall past. And so if I were asked,

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Speaker 4: then I would know that is game time, is go time,

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Speaker 4: This is happening, and I have to decide if this

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Speaker 4: is something that I am interested in and I'll finish

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Speaker 4: here one of the things you said, and I agree

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Speaker 4: with it, and I also will want to push on it.

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Speaker 4: We say that relationships are new, I don't know that

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Speaker 4: they're new. I don't know that there's anything new in

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Speaker 4: the human experience. I think what is newer is the

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Speaker 4: access that we have to the internal rough drafts of

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Speaker 4: people's thoughts. Meaning social media in many cases is a

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Speaker 4: rough draft. It's not a letter that you write and

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Speaker 4: then you rewrite and you decide where you're going to

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Speaker 4: send it. It's sometimes an undeveloped thought. But we're also

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Speaker 4: on social media in such a way that it's with

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Speaker 4: us always. We're experiencing it. And I think that you know, too,

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Speaker 4: many of us have grandmothers and grandfathers and aunts and

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Speaker 4: uncles who we meet cousins along the way. Right, We

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Speaker 4: don't need to just go to Professor Gates to find

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Speaker 4: out what our lineage is. Some of us at funerals

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Speaker 4: are finding out that, you know, our uncle had another family.

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Speaker 4: This is not new. The news is that people are

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Speaker 4: trying to have a conversation about it as it's happening.

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Speaker 4: But you can't have an over fifty percent divorce rate

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Speaker 4: over forty million people on ACTIY Madison in particular, and

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Speaker 4: then not think that it's not hall passes. It's an

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Speaker 4: open school. The halls are open.

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Speaker 1: The halls are open.

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Speaker 4: So I don't think many of us have choices. I

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Speaker 4: think we need to decide the only choice we have

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Speaker 4: is if we're comfortable.

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Speaker 1: Now, Dave, does a hall pass necessarily mean sex? What

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Speaker 1: if the person just wants to go out and have

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Speaker 1: lunch or dinner or just conversation, and rather than lying

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Speaker 1: and sneaking around, they come and say, can I have

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Speaker 1: a hall pass? I want you to know that I

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Speaker 1: want to talk to this person. And is the hall

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Speaker 1: pass for one night? You know? Lutha said, if only

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Speaker 1: for one night? A Frankie bever Frankie Beverly said after

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Speaker 1: the morning after, you.

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Speaker 5: Know, for me, it would be it would be about sex.

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Speaker 5: Because number one, if we're solid and healthy, we're grown,

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Speaker 5: go have dinner with somebody, right, Go have lunch with

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Speaker 5: somebody that that shouldn't even require a conversation other than

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Speaker 5: this is where I'm gonna be and this is who

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Speaker 5: I'm gonna be with, right, just to keep somebody in

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Speaker 5: the loop. Now, if you're saying like, oh, I'd really

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Speaker 5: kind of like to start this little relationship with them,

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Speaker 5: and I'm feeling them and they feeling me. Now we're

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Speaker 5: talking about like, okay, we're moving into a polyamorous relationship.

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Speaker 5: So I think a hall past, you know, really a

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Speaker 5: hall pass by the sort of common definition is that

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Speaker 5: it really is a one time thing. You can go

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Speaker 5: from here to here and then come back right And would.

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Speaker 1: You give it with if your partner asked you for

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Speaker 1: a hall pass?

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Speaker 5: You know, it's really funny. I was sitting here thinking

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Speaker 5: about it, and I you know, it depends on the relationship.

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Speaker 5: You know, my last relationship, you know, we had very

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Speaker 5: different sex dribes, and I really you know, at some

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Speaker 5: point I would have hoped she would have had a

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Speaker 5: hall passed. I think given I want to shoot for

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Speaker 5: because I just you know, it was like, here, go

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Speaker 5: take this, and you know, I'm secure enough in myself

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Speaker 5: that I understand that that doesn't necessarily reflect on me.

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Speaker 5: Now here's the other piece of that truth though, what

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Speaker 5: I recognized about it, and knowing where I was in

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Speaker 5: the relationship at the time, it just would have been

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Speaker 5: a band aid to prolong the inevitable, okay, because at

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Speaker 5: that point, you know, the issues that we had in

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Speaker 5: our sex life were because we had issues of our

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Speaker 5: trust life, and so you know, it would have been

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Speaker 5: a symptom and it would have but it would have

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Speaker 5: allowed me to stay in it longer. Yeah, you know which, again,

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Speaker 5: in the greatest scheme of things, isn't that healthy? I

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Speaker 5: don't think so. And at this point I just you know, look,

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Speaker 5: if we're not trying to do that and be a

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Speaker 5: totally solid team like that, then go do what you're doing,

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Speaker 5: or let's redefine the terms of the relationship.

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Speaker 1: We're going to continue this conversation. Hold on, stay tuned,

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Speaker 1: we'll be right back. Welcome back to the hour spot.

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Speaker 1: Let's get back to the conversation.

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Speaker 4: One of the things I think that she said, I

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Speaker 4: think is important is this could be the opening of

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Speaker 4: a bigger conversation, a really special watershed moment where two

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Speaker 4: people start getting real because one of the reasons why

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Speaker 4: people cheat is because they just wanted to be heard.

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Speaker 4: You start off as a conversation with somebody at work,

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Speaker 4: somebody at the gym, somebody at church mosque, and a god,

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Speaker 4: somebody in their proximity on to train somebody to must stop.

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Speaker 4: They had something that they wanted to say at the

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Speaker 4: crib and they couldn't get anybody who listened to them.

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Speaker 4: And then they came and someone noticed that look on

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Speaker 4: their face of consternation, and they said you are right,

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Speaker 4: And that question alone was like no. And the person

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Speaker 4: who asked that question unlocked the door to inner sanctum

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Speaker 4: of that person's person and the person that they care about.

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Speaker 4: They also had been given access to the key, and they,

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Speaker 4: for whatever reason, punched it on them. They said, you

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Speaker 4: know what, I'm going to pass on it. So that

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Speaker 4: person who answered the call, who unlocked the inner sanctum,

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Speaker 4: who came in and asked the questions and began a conversation,

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Speaker 4: they get access to an intimacy that the other person cannot.

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Speaker 1: Now forgive me, But I just have I have a

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Speaker 1: whole thing about cheating. I don't even know how people

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Speaker 1: define cheating, because for me, it's about integrity, it's about honesty,

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Speaker 1: it's about commitment. So you can't cheat on me and

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Speaker 1: cheat on yourself. Now, what you can do is lie

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Speaker 1: to me. What you can do is violate your own

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Speaker 1: personal integrity. What you can do is betray my trust.

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Speaker 1: But you can't cheat on me. That is just too

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Speaker 1: too minor of a word. But I hear what you're saying.

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Speaker 1: Most people want to be heard, and sometimes in our

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Speaker 1: intimate relationships we do that thing of taking each other

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Speaker 1: for granted. Stop listening. Let me go to the twenty

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Speaker 1: year old that we had, the fifty year old and

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Speaker 1: the old geezers over here. That would be you and me,

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Speaker 1: mister Steve. Well, let's go to let's go to the

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Speaker 1: youngest young Miss k. Miss Kay is a late twenties,

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Speaker 1: so we gonna let her talk for the late twenties

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Speaker 1: and the early thirties. If your partner asked you for

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Speaker 1: a hall pass for a day, or you get to

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Speaker 1: define the terms of it, what would you say.

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Speaker 6: I feel like I would be more interested into why

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Speaker 6: he feels like he needs it, more interested in like,

300
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Speaker 6: is there something you're not getting in our relationship, because

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Speaker 6: that's not the terms of our relationship where me and you,

302
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Speaker 6: you and me and that's it. But if you feel

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Speaker 6: like you need a hall pass, why.

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Speaker 1: I'm just curious. This person has just sparked some curiosity

305
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Speaker 1: in me. I'm not saying I want to sleep with them,

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Speaker 1: but I also know if that happens. I want you

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Speaker 1: to know I'm not gonna lie and sneak around. It's

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Speaker 1: nothing wrong with you. I love you, you are my boot.

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Speaker 1: I'm coming home, but I just want to investigate this.

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Speaker 1: It's just something that I feel I.

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Speaker 5: Want to do then I think he should.

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Speaker 1: And would you give the hall pass?

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Speaker 7: I would?

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Speaker 6: And I want to know what you learned and what

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Speaker 6: you discovered. If it's definite that you coming home and

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Speaker 6: you aren't going to lie to me or do anything

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Speaker 6: that you're you know anything extra than what you're telling me,

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Speaker 6: then go do it. Go discover that. I want to

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Speaker 6: know what you find.

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Speaker 1: But I don't know. I want the hall pass because

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Speaker 1: I don't know what's going to happen. It may it

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Speaker 1: may not happen. But I want you to know. This

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Speaker 1: is what I'm up to. This is a one time deal,

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Speaker 1: a one shot deal, and I want you to know.

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Speaker 6: I feel like because I'm young, I feel like you

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Speaker 6: should go discover it. Like I'm not married.

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Speaker 1: Suppose you saw something that tickled your interests and your curiosity,

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Speaker 1: would you ask your partner for hall paths?

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Speaker 3: No?

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Speaker 1: Why not? Why wouldn't you ask your You're not married?

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Speaker 1: Why wouldn't you ask your partner for hall paths?

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Speaker 6: I just don't think I will allow myself to do that.

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Speaker 6: I rather be single and mingle rather than be in

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Speaker 6: a relationship and see what else is out there? Okay,

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Speaker 6: And I feel that way because I've only been with

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Speaker 6: one person ever in like a relationship, and so if

337
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Speaker 6: I'm looking elsewhere, and I think that I should just

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Speaker 6: give myself the freedom to do so.

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Speaker 1: Mmm yum to the young young, thank you. Let me

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Speaker 1: let me go on over here to the forty something,

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Speaker 1: because you know you right in the middle, you at

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Speaker 1: that pivotal point forty you stepping into your real womanhood.

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Speaker 1: You know, a woman ain't a woman until she's forty

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Speaker 1: and the boobs fall down, because that's when it gets real. Okay.

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Speaker 1: Would you give your partner a hall pass knowing that

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Speaker 1: your boobs have fell down?

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00:20:33,960 --> 00:20:35,120
Speaker 3: Today? No?

348
00:20:35,440 --> 00:20:39,040
Speaker 7: I would not. When I wass a I would have,

349
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Speaker 7: But today no, because you know I'm in a relationship

350
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Speaker 7: and we have best of time, we have commitments with

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00:20:47,920 --> 00:20:52,080
Speaker 7: one another, And I too would want to know what's

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00:20:52,119 --> 00:20:55,560
Speaker 7: the reason for needing the hall pass? Is there something

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00:20:55,600 --> 00:20:58,280
Speaker 7: that you're lacking? Is there something that I need to

354
00:20:58,359 --> 00:21:04,000
Speaker 7: shift to support us or to support you? And I

355
00:21:04,040 --> 00:21:09,159
Speaker 7: would appreciate though the conversation, knowing that you desire a

356
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Speaker 7: hall pass, knowing that you are wanting to explore. I

357
00:21:13,760 --> 00:21:18,320
Speaker 7: believe that it creates space for me to adjust and

358
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Speaker 7: fulfill the need that's missing, if there is one, but

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00:21:22,080 --> 00:21:25,159
Speaker 7: to also just know where you are and to speak

360
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Speaker 7: to what mister Parry said, also being able to accept

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Speaker 7: that this is where we are and can move forward

362
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Speaker 7: and move beyond it, and then what's required to do that.

363
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Speaker 7: But also I think it's it can be very contingent

364
00:21:41,040 --> 00:21:44,480
Speaker 7: on circumstances, right, So if I was unwell and able

365
00:21:44,520 --> 00:21:47,560
Speaker 7: to physically fulfill his needs, I would be open to

366
00:21:47,640 --> 00:21:51,359
Speaker 7: him going out and giving him a hall pass. So

367
00:21:51,440 --> 00:21:55,560
Speaker 7: I think the certain circumstances or conditions of the relationship,

368
00:21:55,960 --> 00:21:58,879
Speaker 7: you could sway me one way or the other. But

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00:21:59,000 --> 00:22:02,160
Speaker 7: it would really have to be I am physically unable

370
00:22:02,200 --> 00:22:05,399
Speaker 7: to fulfill his needs, and then I would be open

371
00:22:05,480 --> 00:22:08,760
Speaker 7: to it. But if we're good and he's saying that

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00:22:08,800 --> 00:22:11,840
Speaker 7: he's satisfied, and I'm what he desires and what he needs,

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Speaker 7: I would not be open to the whole past.

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Speaker 4: This is one of the questions that I think there

375
00:22:17,520 --> 00:22:21,359
Speaker 4: is no right answer. There is no wrong answers, only

376
00:22:21,400 --> 00:22:25,359
Speaker 4: what's best for you in this pursuit of happiness. If

377
00:22:25,440 --> 00:22:28,920
Speaker 4: it's not something you're interested in, don't do it. If

378
00:22:28,920 --> 00:22:31,800
Speaker 4: it is, then you do it. Our problem is that

379
00:22:31,840 --> 00:22:34,119
Speaker 4: we spend too much time trying to convince somebody to

380
00:22:34,160 --> 00:22:36,560
Speaker 4: do something that they do not want to do, and

381
00:22:36,600 --> 00:22:40,280
Speaker 4: we have to accept that, like the most beautiful tree

382
00:22:40,440 --> 00:22:42,840
Speaker 4: or the smallest shrub, they grow in the directions that

383
00:22:42,880 --> 00:22:44,840
Speaker 4: they grow, and a shrub can't be a tree and

384
00:22:44,880 --> 00:22:47,720
Speaker 4: a tree can't be a shrub. And we run into

385
00:22:47,720 --> 00:22:50,040
Speaker 4: trouble and relationships when we expect our trees to be

386
00:22:50,040 --> 00:22:51,800
Speaker 4: shrubs and our shrubs to be trees. When we expect

387
00:22:51,800 --> 00:22:54,560
Speaker 4: our person who's not a monogamous person to be monogamous,

388
00:22:54,600 --> 00:22:59,560
Speaker 4: and we expect the person's who's polyamorous to be something

389
00:22:59,600 --> 00:23:04,639
Speaker 4: different well to be monogamous. So I think that what happens, though,

390
00:23:05,040 --> 00:23:10,040
Speaker 4: is that people, especially people have been in relationships a

391
00:23:10,040 --> 00:23:15,000
Speaker 4: long time, start to recognize that there are too many

392
00:23:15,040 --> 00:23:21,640
Speaker 4: lies going on around them. And if you if you've

393
00:23:21,680 --> 00:23:24,240
Speaker 4: been in relationships for a relationship for a long time,

394
00:23:24,359 --> 00:23:26,520
Speaker 4: or you've been on earth for a long time, you

395
00:23:26,640 --> 00:23:30,639
Speaker 4: start to recognize that so many people are lying to

396
00:23:30,720 --> 00:23:35,280
Speaker 4: themselves and each other. And I think that it is

397
00:23:35,320 --> 00:23:38,080
Speaker 4: a bad idea to convince someone who says no, I

398
00:23:38,080 --> 00:23:40,800
Speaker 4: wouldn't do it, that you should do it. And I

399
00:23:40,840 --> 00:23:43,040
Speaker 4: think that it is silly to try and convince someone

400
00:23:43,400 --> 00:23:45,840
Speaker 4: who wants to do it that they shouldn't, And that's

401
00:23:45,920 --> 00:23:48,760
Speaker 4: where the problem lies. So many people, when they get

402
00:23:48,760 --> 00:23:50,080
Speaker 4: to that place where they bring this up to a

403
00:23:50,119 --> 00:23:53,280
Speaker 4: person that they loved, are met with if you loved me,

404
00:23:53,480 --> 00:23:56,600
Speaker 4: you wouldn't ask for this, and that's exactly.

405
00:23:56,160 --> 00:23:56,600
Speaker 1: What I was.

406
00:23:59,240 --> 00:24:02,240
Speaker 4: That's absolutely wrong. Love has nothing to do with the

407
00:24:02,280 --> 00:24:05,640
Speaker 4: development of a person. A person develops into who they are,

408
00:24:06,040 --> 00:24:09,280
Speaker 4: and I appreciate the notion that one could change who

409
00:24:09,280 --> 00:24:11,240
Speaker 4: they are to satisfy a person if that was the

410
00:24:11,280 --> 00:24:14,199
Speaker 4: issue satisfaction. But if we've been in a relationship with

411
00:24:14,240 --> 00:24:16,600
Speaker 4: someone up to this point, and we've been having conversations

412
00:24:16,680 --> 00:24:18,640
Speaker 4: up to this point, and that which I'm asking for

413
00:24:18,840 --> 00:24:21,120
Speaker 4: is not here, it doesn't mean that I don't want

414
00:24:21,160 --> 00:24:23,359
Speaker 4: to be here anymore, but there's something outside of this

415
00:24:23,640 --> 00:24:27,160
Speaker 4: that I am asking for. On the same token, if

416
00:24:27,200 --> 00:24:29,600
Speaker 4: I'm saying I want to close shop, then I want

417
00:24:29,600 --> 00:24:30,760
Speaker 4: to close shop, and I don't want to have a

418
00:24:30,800 --> 00:24:33,160
Speaker 4: conversation about that, and I don't want to be told

419
00:24:33,200 --> 00:24:34,919
Speaker 4: that if I loved you, then I will let you

420
00:24:34,960 --> 00:24:38,080
Speaker 4: do something that I diametrically am opposed to. I think

421
00:24:38,119 --> 00:24:42,639
Speaker 4: the real question is how do you find people or

422
00:24:42,680 --> 00:24:49,680
Speaker 4: a person who agree with your pathway to the pursuit

423
00:24:50,000 --> 00:24:53,280
Speaker 4: of happiness. The happiest people are the ones who are

424
00:24:53,359 --> 00:24:55,680
Speaker 4: traveling with people who want to go where they're going

425
00:24:55,720 --> 00:24:57,320
Speaker 4: at the speed that they want to go.

426
00:24:58,240 --> 00:25:02,760
Speaker 1: Mister Mike, another forty something here, would you ask for

427
00:25:02,800 --> 00:25:07,760
Speaker 1: a hall pass if you wanted to explore, examine, and investigate.

428
00:25:08,359 --> 00:25:10,440
Speaker 2: I would not personally. That would not ask for a

429
00:25:10,520 --> 00:25:15,159
Speaker 2: hall pass personally because that is not the that is

430
00:25:15,200 --> 00:25:17,200
Speaker 2: not the terms of our relationship that I agreed upon.

431
00:25:18,000 --> 00:25:20,760
Speaker 2: It's something that's changed and I need to explore something

432
00:25:20,840 --> 00:25:25,439
Speaker 2: or someone different, then that's a conversation. Being honest is

433
00:25:25,480 --> 00:25:29,359
Speaker 2: more important than anything, in my opinion. So if you

434
00:25:29,720 --> 00:25:32,840
Speaker 2: decide to the honesty part is what I appreciate what

435
00:25:32,960 --> 00:25:35,639
Speaker 2: you said before. If we can have a conversation and

436
00:25:37,040 --> 00:25:40,719
Speaker 2: mel through this issue or mel through this uh situation together,

437
00:25:41,160 --> 00:25:44,159
Speaker 2: that brings us closer, That brings us tighter. But I

438
00:25:44,160 --> 00:25:46,600
Speaker 2: don't I don't understand. I think a hall past is

439
00:25:46,640 --> 00:25:49,600
Speaker 2: going to solve the issue. I think that's the way out.

440
00:25:50,240 --> 00:25:52,320
Speaker 2: I think that's an excuse not to work hard. If

441
00:25:52,359 --> 00:25:54,760
Speaker 2: it's something you're missing relationship, If this is what you

442
00:25:54,760 --> 00:25:56,760
Speaker 2: want to be with, somebody want to someone you want

443
00:25:56,760 --> 00:25:59,440
Speaker 2: to bottle down with. Then get the trenches, let's let's

444
00:25:59,440 --> 00:26:01,680
Speaker 2: get it done. Lets move forward. I think a Hall

445
00:26:01,760 --> 00:26:03,520
Speaker 2: has an excuse to step out.

446
00:26:03,840 --> 00:26:07,560
Speaker 1: I started this out by saying things change, people change,

447
00:26:07,560 --> 00:26:08,520
Speaker 1: people change.

448
00:26:09,080 --> 00:26:12,360
Speaker 2: So in the beginning.

449
00:26:11,119 --> 00:26:14,480
Speaker 1: This this is it. I love you, I still love you.

450
00:26:14,560 --> 00:26:16,160
Speaker 1: I don't want to I don't want to lose you.

451
00:26:16,520 --> 00:26:18,320
Speaker 1: I don't want to give up what we have, what

452
00:26:18,400 --> 00:26:22,920
Speaker 1: we're working towards. But I you know, rather than lie

453
00:26:23,640 --> 00:26:26,640
Speaker 1: and rather than sneak around, I want to go back

454
00:26:26,680 --> 00:26:30,840
Speaker 1: to something David said. You know, it's a conversation. Uh,

455
00:26:30,960 --> 00:26:32,800
Speaker 1: this is where I'm at, this is who I'm with.

456
00:26:33,320 --> 00:26:36,119
Speaker 1: Maybe not ask for the Hall past, but at what

457
00:26:36,280 --> 00:26:40,240
Speaker 1: point do you give up your right as a grown

458
00:26:40,320 --> 00:26:44,560
Speaker 1: adult with hander your arms to do something that you

459
00:26:44,680 --> 00:26:48,320
Speaker 1: think you need to do for you, even if you're

460
00:26:48,320 --> 00:26:49,320
Speaker 1: in a relationship.

461
00:26:49,760 --> 00:26:52,520
Speaker 2: At what point you don't right if you if you

462
00:26:52,520 --> 00:26:54,679
Speaker 2: need to find something is for then you can go

463
00:26:54,720 --> 00:26:56,600
Speaker 2: do something. You just have to close one door first.

464
00:26:58,359 --> 00:27:00,960
Speaker 5: For me, here's here's the thing for me, And this

465
00:27:01,119 --> 00:27:03,959
Speaker 5: really opens a whole bigger can of worms. But the

466
00:27:04,040 --> 00:27:07,800
Speaker 5: truth is most of us are not in relationship with

467
00:27:07,840 --> 00:27:11,959
Speaker 5: each other, right, we in relationship with what you do

468
00:27:12,080 --> 00:27:16,800
Speaker 5: and don't do, And things like hall passes and polyamory

469
00:27:17,520 --> 00:27:24,280
Speaker 5: require a level of self awareness and consciousness and most importantly,

470
00:27:24,560 --> 00:27:30,600
Speaker 5: honesty that most people don't exercise in relationships. Right, I'm

471
00:27:30,600 --> 00:27:33,359
Speaker 5: gonna get with you because I'm sad that my daddy

472
00:27:33,440 --> 00:27:36,320
Speaker 5: never left me. And what I really need from you

473
00:27:36,840 --> 00:27:39,639
Speaker 5: is to be everything that I need to be in

474
00:27:39,680 --> 00:27:41,560
Speaker 5: a man, at least what I make up a man

475
00:27:41,600 --> 00:27:43,640
Speaker 5: would have been, and given me the thing. We don't

476
00:27:43,680 --> 00:27:46,239
Speaker 5: tell that many times because we're not aware of it,

477
00:27:46,280 --> 00:27:49,000
Speaker 5: and if we are aware of it, we don't speak

478
00:27:49,040 --> 00:27:52,640
Speaker 5: those things, right. And so what happens is that our

479
00:27:52,720 --> 00:27:57,920
Speaker 5: behavior interacts with the other one, right, a really solid

480
00:27:58,000 --> 00:28:00,480
Speaker 5: I know who I am, you know who you are. Look,

481
00:28:00,560 --> 00:28:03,000
Speaker 5: I just want to go and you know I usually

482
00:28:03,080 --> 00:28:04,760
Speaker 5: I do like tacco Bell, but I want to hit

483
00:28:04,800 --> 00:28:07,320
Speaker 5: it up Chipotle today. You are right with that, you know,

484
00:28:07,440 --> 00:28:11,439
Speaker 5: like there's a world in which that can happen. But

485
00:28:11,640 --> 00:28:15,160
Speaker 5: because number one, we're not really aware of the needs

486
00:28:15,160 --> 00:28:17,919
Speaker 5: that we're filling very often or trying to fill with

487
00:28:17,960 --> 00:28:21,160
Speaker 5: our relationships, then we have a hard time being fully

488
00:28:21,200 --> 00:28:25,119
Speaker 5: honest in them. And the other thing is because of

489
00:28:25,160 --> 00:28:28,600
Speaker 5: the scarcity that most people have with relationships in love,

490
00:28:29,320 --> 00:28:32,800
Speaker 5: instead of getting into a relationship with who the person

491
00:28:33,040 --> 00:28:36,480
Speaker 5: is as they are right now, you know, I would

492
00:28:36,480 --> 00:28:38,720
Speaker 5: be with you exactly as you are for the rest

493
00:28:38,720 --> 00:28:40,480
Speaker 5: of my life the way you are right now. What

494
00:28:40,560 --> 00:28:43,600
Speaker 5: we do is we get in relationship with them and

495
00:28:43,640 --> 00:28:46,760
Speaker 5: try and mold them in to who we want them

496
00:28:46,800 --> 00:28:49,320
Speaker 5: to be, or who really who we need them to be.

497
00:28:50,440 --> 00:28:53,960
Speaker 5: And then what happens is just what doctor Steve was

498
00:28:54,000 --> 00:28:57,120
Speaker 5: talking about. Down the road, those mismatches become more and

499
00:28:57,120 --> 00:29:00,840
Speaker 5: more evident, right because the truth is, I said I

500
00:29:00,840 --> 00:29:03,040
Speaker 5: would get on this bus with you and go to here,

501
00:29:03,440 --> 00:29:06,200
Speaker 5: but I really wanted to go over there. But I

502
00:29:06,200 --> 00:29:08,760
Speaker 5: would rather be on a bus with somebody than to

503
00:29:08,880 --> 00:29:11,520
Speaker 5: go where it was I was headed. And at some

504
00:29:11,640 --> 00:29:15,160
Speaker 5: point that begins to break down. So you know, for me,

505
00:29:15,520 --> 00:29:18,480
Speaker 5: it's getting down to that honesty piece. It's getting down to,

506
00:29:19,120 --> 00:29:21,880
Speaker 5: you know, being aware enough to know really what you're

507
00:29:22,040 --> 00:29:24,320
Speaker 5: doing in a relationship and what the needs you're trying

508
00:29:24,320 --> 00:29:28,480
Speaker 5: to feel is. There's other people involved in these things, right,

509
00:29:29,240 --> 00:29:32,160
Speaker 5: So you may not think it's a date, but does

510
00:29:32,200 --> 00:29:35,480
Speaker 5: he think it's a date? Does she think it's a date?

511
00:29:36,160 --> 00:29:39,800
Speaker 5: Because and that actually that happened to me about twenty

512
00:29:39,880 --> 00:29:43,240
Speaker 5: years ago. I was I was dating this girl, and

513
00:29:43,640 --> 00:29:46,560
Speaker 5: you know this guy just oh, no, he's just friendly,

514
00:29:46,600 --> 00:29:49,400
Speaker 5: he's friend. Oh he's being friendly. I said, he gonna

515
00:29:49,400 --> 00:29:52,560
Speaker 5: friendly you out to dinner. No, no, no, And the

516
00:29:52,600 --> 00:29:55,840
Speaker 5: next thing you know, they're out to dinner. And sure

517
00:29:55,920 --> 00:29:58,320
Speaker 5: enough she went out and I said, I'm telling you,

518
00:29:58,360 --> 00:30:00,320
Speaker 5: this is a date for him. This is not a date.

519
00:30:00,880 --> 00:30:04,480
Speaker 5: She came home red face talking about Yeah, he thought

520
00:30:04,480 --> 00:30:07,560
Speaker 5: it was a date, you know, And so we have

521
00:30:07,800 --> 00:30:10,160
Speaker 5: you have to be mindful what does the other person think?

522
00:30:10,240 --> 00:30:12,320
Speaker 5: Because just because you want a hall pass, do they

523
00:30:12,360 --> 00:30:15,160
Speaker 5: know you on a hall pass? Or do they think

524
00:30:15,160 --> 00:30:16,760
Speaker 5: they're about to start something fun?

525
00:30:17,400 --> 00:30:19,920
Speaker 1: I think that's important. Let's let's look at everything that

526
00:30:19,960 --> 00:30:22,520
Speaker 1: we've got in the soup right now, because we got

527
00:30:22,520 --> 00:30:28,400
Speaker 1: potatoes and peanuts, we got hot sauce and tartar sauce,

528
00:30:28,480 --> 00:30:33,120
Speaker 1: all of it. First of all, a hall pass, if

529
00:30:33,160 --> 00:30:35,680
Speaker 1: you were to consider it, would it need to be

530
00:30:35,760 --> 00:30:42,440
Speaker 1: specific time, date, place, location yes? Or no? Okay? Yes?

531
00:30:42,520 --> 00:30:44,480
Speaker 7: I need all the deats.

532
00:30:46,160 --> 00:30:49,320
Speaker 1: And you need them in advance. Is that accurate? Okay?

533
00:30:49,400 --> 00:30:52,880
Speaker 1: I'm gonna ask you this, Z. Does a hall pass

534
00:30:52,920 --> 00:30:59,640
Speaker 1: necessarily violate the original parameters of the relationship if it's

535
00:30:59,680 --> 00:31:05,240
Speaker 1: not the discussed mister Mike, if your partner asks you

536
00:31:05,320 --> 00:31:08,200
Speaker 1: for a hall past, does that necessarily mean to you

537
00:31:08,280 --> 00:31:12,560
Speaker 1: that there's something missing or wrong in the relationship?

538
00:31:12,840 --> 00:31:13,040
Speaker 2: Yees?

539
00:31:13,280 --> 00:31:17,640
Speaker 1: Okay, So okay, this is this is good? David? Is

540
00:31:17,840 --> 00:31:21,800
Speaker 1: asking for a hall past better than just cheating? And why?

541
00:31:22,200 --> 00:31:25,120
Speaker 5: Yeah? Well, I mean I think just what you said earlier,

542
00:31:25,320 --> 00:31:31,720
Speaker 5: because one is about integrity, the other is about exploration, right,

543
00:31:31,760 --> 00:31:35,240
Speaker 5: because if cheating is now I'm not here doing this,

544
00:31:35,720 --> 00:31:39,400
Speaker 5: I've broken my agreements to you operating in secret. So

545
00:31:40,080 --> 00:31:43,520
Speaker 5: I think asking for the hall past is better. Though,

546
00:31:44,080 --> 00:31:46,240
Speaker 5: can you recover from the ask? Because there's just some

547
00:31:46,400 --> 00:31:49,040
Speaker 5: questions once you ask them that can't have the bad

548
00:31:49,720 --> 00:31:52,520
Speaker 5: You know, just just asking the question might be as

549
00:31:52,560 --> 00:31:54,000
Speaker 5: bad as doing today.

550
00:31:54,200 --> 00:31:57,200
Speaker 7: I think not asking the question is even worse, right,

551
00:31:57,280 --> 00:32:00,080
Speaker 7: because in a relationship you have to be able to

552
00:32:00,240 --> 00:32:03,600
Speaker 7: communicate with your partner, so you hold it if it's

553
00:32:03,640 --> 00:32:06,479
Speaker 7: a desire, and then you go without, which thing creates

554
00:32:06,520 --> 00:32:10,200
Speaker 7: a bigger issue, a bigger challenge. So if you are

555
00:32:10,240 --> 00:32:13,560
Speaker 7: not with someone that you can actually ask that question.

556
00:32:13,800 --> 00:32:15,760
Speaker 5: Now, does it raise some flags?

557
00:32:15,840 --> 00:32:16,080
Speaker 6: Yes?

558
00:32:16,360 --> 00:32:16,760
Speaker 3: Does it?

559
00:32:17,120 --> 00:32:20,360
Speaker 7: Could it potentially make you feel insecure that you're lacking

560
00:32:20,400 --> 00:32:24,840
Speaker 7: something for your partner? Yes, But also knowing your partner

561
00:32:25,080 --> 00:32:30,280
Speaker 7: and communicating is very important. So you have to be

562
00:32:30,320 --> 00:32:32,959
Speaker 7: able to say, hey can I get a hall passed?

563
00:32:33,000 --> 00:32:36,960
Speaker 7: Here's why? Or hey, I'm not fulfilled in this relationship?

564
00:32:37,040 --> 00:32:39,840
Speaker 7: What do we do about that? Because I don't want

565
00:32:39,840 --> 00:32:42,120
Speaker 7: to just go behind your back. I don't want to

566
00:32:42,200 --> 00:32:45,440
Speaker 7: just step out on you. So how do we fix?

567
00:32:45,520 --> 00:32:48,120
Speaker 7: How do we resolve? Are you open?

568
00:32:48,280 --> 00:32:49,320
Speaker 4: Are you with me.

569
00:32:49,320 --> 00:32:52,440
Speaker 7: Going out here getting my knees met and come home?

570
00:32:52,760 --> 00:32:53,000
Speaker 5: You know?

571
00:32:53,240 --> 00:32:55,840
Speaker 7: And I think that there has to be space for

572
00:32:56,000 --> 00:32:59,080
Speaker 7: conversations like this in relationships. People have to be able

573
00:32:59,120 --> 00:33:01,760
Speaker 7: to tell their truth and not being able to do

574
00:33:01,800 --> 00:33:04,920
Speaker 7: that is what causes a lot of breakdowns and relationships.

575
00:33:05,360 --> 00:33:07,720
Speaker 1: Now, K, you're young, so I want to bring this

576
00:33:07,760 --> 00:33:12,000
Speaker 1: one to you first. You're young, and you said, this

577
00:33:12,040 --> 00:33:17,880
Speaker 1: is the first relationship you've been in. What if your

578
00:33:17,920 --> 00:33:23,320
Speaker 1: partner is doing this not because there's anything wrong with you,

579
00:33:24,400 --> 00:33:26,959
Speaker 1: but because they need to take care of themselves in

580
00:33:27,000 --> 00:33:31,479
Speaker 1: this way? You know, I would ask that of the

581
00:33:31,520 --> 00:33:35,560
Speaker 1: forties to fifties and old geezers like myself. This has

582
00:33:35,640 --> 00:33:38,960
Speaker 1: nothing to do with you. This is what this person

583
00:33:39,160 --> 00:33:42,240
Speaker 1: needs to take care of themselves and they want to

584
00:33:42,280 --> 00:33:45,800
Speaker 1: be upfront and honest about it. I want to do this.

585
00:33:47,320 --> 00:33:48,720
Speaker 1: How does that land for you?

586
00:33:48,880 --> 00:33:51,320
Speaker 6: I feel like then he should definitely go discover that.

587
00:33:51,800 --> 00:33:55,200
Speaker 6: I definitely stand by that. Like, if this is something

588
00:33:55,240 --> 00:33:58,160
Speaker 6: that you feel like you absolutely need to do for yourself,

589
00:33:58,240 --> 00:33:59,840
Speaker 6: then you should do that. If I love you, then

590
00:33:59,840 --> 00:34:02,520
Speaker 6: it means I stand by you doing what you need

591
00:34:02,560 --> 00:34:03,680
Speaker 6: to take care of yourself.

592
00:34:04,280 --> 00:34:07,040
Speaker 1: Okay, I'm gonna put that to you too, mister Mike.

593
00:34:07,520 --> 00:34:09,920
Speaker 1: What if it has absolutely nothing to do with you.

594
00:34:10,560 --> 00:34:14,000
Speaker 1: What if this is what she needs to do just

595
00:34:14,040 --> 00:34:15,680
Speaker 1: to fulfill herself.

596
00:34:16,640 --> 00:34:21,120
Speaker 2: Absolutely I would support that person or her and making

597
00:34:21,160 --> 00:34:23,520
Speaker 2: herself better or fulfilling her knees that she needs that,

598
00:34:23,640 --> 00:34:28,400
Speaker 2: she needs men, absolutely, but it also comes with consequences.

599
00:34:29,440 --> 00:34:31,319
Speaker 2: You can do that. I will support you by doing that,

600
00:34:31,440 --> 00:34:33,399
Speaker 2: but you can't be with me while doing that. That's

601
00:34:33,440 --> 00:34:38,560
Speaker 2: all that doesn't like you need to support yourself. I

602
00:34:38,560 --> 00:34:41,279
Speaker 2: honestly need to take care of myself, right, I have

603
00:34:41,360 --> 00:34:43,879
Speaker 2: no problem supporting you doing that, but I gotta, I gotta,

604
00:34:44,000 --> 00:34:47,040
Speaker 2: I gotta make sure I'm I'm good also, and I

605
00:34:47,680 --> 00:34:51,000
Speaker 2: can't be good knowing you're with another man thing we'd

606
00:34:51,040 --> 00:34:52,480
Speaker 2: together for me.

607
00:34:53,000 --> 00:34:56,560
Speaker 1: Miss C. Can you be good knowing that him being

608
00:34:56,600 --> 00:34:59,919
Speaker 1: with another woman for breakfast, lunch, or dinner or rolling

609
00:35:00,080 --> 00:35:03,719
Speaker 1: in the hay is what he needed for himself and

610
00:35:03,760 --> 00:35:07,160
Speaker 1: he's honest with you, he tells you about it. Could

611
00:35:07,160 --> 00:35:08,160
Speaker 1: you be okay with that?

612
00:35:08,600 --> 00:35:13,840
Speaker 7: I could learn to be okay with it, And for me,

613
00:35:14,200 --> 00:35:18,759
Speaker 7: a lot of it depends on the circumstances. So if

614
00:35:18,800 --> 00:35:23,640
Speaker 7: you are honest with me, and I'm clear that I

615
00:35:23,680 --> 00:35:27,240
Speaker 7: have not been present or fulfilling your needs, then yes,

616
00:35:27,880 --> 00:35:29,799
Speaker 7: if you have been honest with me and it has

617
00:35:29,960 --> 00:35:33,440
Speaker 7: nothing to do with me, I don't think that I've

618
00:35:33,480 --> 00:35:36,040
Speaker 7: ever left a man for cheating on me. I've left

619
00:35:36,080 --> 00:35:39,200
Speaker 7: because they've lied and they've disrespected me.

620
00:35:39,920 --> 00:35:42,400
Speaker 4: So I don't feel like there.

621
00:35:42,360 --> 00:35:47,880
Speaker 7: Isn't room to recover from issues and challenges and relationships.

622
00:35:48,239 --> 00:35:52,759
Speaker 7: So yes, I could move through it. But it's the integrity,

623
00:35:52,920 --> 00:35:56,600
Speaker 7: it's the honoring of the commitment. It's the honesty that

624
00:35:56,840 --> 00:35:59,359
Speaker 7: has to be in place, because if I can't trust you,

625
00:36:00,000 --> 00:36:03,600
Speaker 7: and then that opens the door for another challenge, another

626
00:36:03,640 --> 00:36:05,640
Speaker 7: issue that we'd had and.

627
00:36:05,600 --> 00:36:14,480
Speaker 1: We'll talk about that when we come back. Welcome back

628
00:36:14,520 --> 00:36:18,279
Speaker 1: to the R spot, Iami, young land boy, have we

629
00:36:18,480 --> 00:36:21,799
Speaker 1: cooked up a stude to day? Would you give your

630
00:36:21,840 --> 00:36:25,120
Speaker 1: partner whole pass? That means, would you just let him

631
00:36:25,160 --> 00:36:27,360
Speaker 1: go out and run them up for a day, loose

632
00:36:27,440 --> 00:36:31,839
Speaker 1: booty all over the place? Would you do it? Could

633
00:36:31,880 --> 00:36:34,640
Speaker 1: you do it? And could you survive if they did it?

634
00:36:35,000 --> 00:36:38,600
Speaker 1: That is the question or the r spat table, And

635
00:36:38,719 --> 00:36:41,239
Speaker 1: it is juicy, juicy, juicy. So let me ask you this.

636
00:36:41,320 --> 00:36:43,799
Speaker 1: So let me go to you, k because for me,

637
00:36:44,400 --> 00:36:48,360
Speaker 1: you know, young'uns are doing some different stuff. I don't understand.

638
00:36:48,440 --> 00:36:51,959
Speaker 1: When I was growing up, it was called polygamy where

639
00:36:51,960 --> 00:36:54,600
Speaker 1: the man had one or two wives. But now it's

640
00:36:54,640 --> 00:36:58,400
Speaker 1: called the thropple where there are two women and a

641
00:36:58,480 --> 00:37:01,439
Speaker 1: man or two men and a woman. I don't see

642
00:37:01,440 --> 00:37:04,400
Speaker 1: that one as much. Are you? Are you hip to

643
00:37:04,480 --> 00:37:06,839
Speaker 1: those things? Young and over there, miss Ka.

644
00:37:07,160 --> 00:37:11,160
Speaker 6: I'm hip to it, but I'm not into it.

645
00:37:12,880 --> 00:37:17,120
Speaker 1: That's like that, that is a permission slip that ain't all.

646
00:37:20,680 --> 00:37:21,000
Speaker 5: Around.

647
00:37:21,040 --> 00:37:23,560
Speaker 6: Then if that's you know, I'm not going to be

648
00:37:23,600 --> 00:37:25,919
Speaker 6: in a relationship with more than one person. I feel

649
00:37:25,960 --> 00:37:28,200
Speaker 6: like that's a lot I got. I'm dealing with my

650
00:37:28,239 --> 00:37:32,320
Speaker 6: own stuff. Three a couple of three. That's a lot.

651
00:37:32,080 --> 00:37:35,000
Speaker 1: Because we could consider that a hall pass is really

652
00:37:35,120 --> 00:37:40,160
Speaker 1: just sanctioned cheating. Yeah, you're gonna cheat, and I'm gonna

653
00:37:40,239 --> 00:37:42,680
Speaker 1: let you know, and then we don't get to deal

654
00:37:42,760 --> 00:37:47,080
Speaker 1: with the challenges in our relationships. When I was married,

655
00:37:47,200 --> 00:37:49,839
Speaker 1: and because this is what I know, I know that

656
00:37:49,960 --> 00:37:54,400
Speaker 1: men are visual, They like visual things. They like to look.

657
00:37:55,040 --> 00:37:58,200
Speaker 1: So whenever I saw my husband looking, I looked to

658
00:37:58,239 --> 00:38:02,960
Speaker 1: see where he was looking because I wanted to know

659
00:38:03,239 --> 00:38:05,840
Speaker 1: what does she have on? What does she look like?

660
00:38:06,480 --> 00:38:09,000
Speaker 1: You know? And he's a he was a butt man.

661
00:38:09,120 --> 00:38:11,239
Speaker 1: He wasn't a breast man or leg man. He was

662
00:38:11,400 --> 00:38:14,160
Speaker 1: well actually was butt and legs he was. So I'm

663
00:38:14,160 --> 00:38:16,040
Speaker 1: looking at her. That ain't nothing I can do about

664
00:38:16,040 --> 00:38:18,879
Speaker 1: my legs, my little mocking bird legs that I have,

665
00:38:19,040 --> 00:38:22,520
Speaker 1: and I cannot sing. There's nothing I could do about that.

666
00:38:23,520 --> 00:38:25,680
Speaker 1: But I was also okay, well what does she have on?

667
00:38:26,040 --> 00:38:28,799
Speaker 1: And here's my great cheating story. And this was not

668
00:38:28,920 --> 00:38:33,560
Speaker 1: a hall pass because for me, there's a distinction between

669
00:38:33,560 --> 00:38:36,160
Speaker 1: a hall pass and cheating. That's just for me. Like

670
00:38:36,200 --> 00:38:39,359
Speaker 1: I said, I'm old, I've been around since you know,

671
00:38:39,760 --> 00:38:44,200
Speaker 1: bread costs twenty five cents, so I don't know if

672
00:38:44,239 --> 00:38:48,880
Speaker 1: my voteuts. But I was married in my house, minding

673
00:38:48,920 --> 00:38:52,840
Speaker 1: my business. The doorbell rings and a younger woman and

674
00:38:52,880 --> 00:38:56,640
Speaker 1: an older woman show up at my door. And the

675
00:38:56,680 --> 00:38:59,960
Speaker 1: older woman says it introduced me, tells me who she is,

676
00:39:00,480 --> 00:39:02,880
Speaker 1: and her question to me was, when are you going

677
00:39:02,960 --> 00:39:07,799
Speaker 1: to sign the divorce papers because my daughter is, you know,

678
00:39:08,000 --> 00:39:11,400
Speaker 1: engaged to Charles. That was my husband. He's dead, so

679
00:39:11,440 --> 00:39:16,040
Speaker 1: I could mention his name and they can't get married

680
00:39:16,440 --> 00:39:20,680
Speaker 1: because you won't sign the divorce papers. It was a

681
00:39:20,719 --> 00:39:25,720
Speaker 1: sunny July day. I was hanging largely on the line

682
00:39:26,400 --> 00:39:31,239
Speaker 1: and here comes a mother with her daughter to the

683
00:39:31,280 --> 00:39:35,319
Speaker 1: wife of the man her daughter is seeing. Okay, you

684
00:39:35,360 --> 00:39:37,160
Speaker 1: know what I did, I said, hold on one second.

685
00:39:37,719 --> 00:39:40,280
Speaker 1: I went inside and pulled every piece of his clothes

686
00:39:40,320 --> 00:39:42,359
Speaker 1: off the closet and put in a black plastic bag.

687
00:39:42,920 --> 00:39:44,839
Speaker 1: Two or three of them dragged them to the door.

688
00:39:45,040 --> 00:39:48,600
Speaker 1: I said, here, I'm not stopping you because for me,

689
00:39:48,760 --> 00:39:51,959
Speaker 1: that was beyond the hall pass That was, like I said,

690
00:39:51,960 --> 00:39:56,680
Speaker 1: a breach of integrity, a betrayal of my trust, and

691
00:39:56,760 --> 00:40:01,000
Speaker 1: a broken commitment. Is that what a hall passes? Is

692
00:40:01,000 --> 00:40:04,080
Speaker 1: it a betrayal of trust. Is it a breach of commitment?

693
00:40:04,840 --> 00:40:08,719
Speaker 1: Is it just a violation of what the relationship is

694
00:40:08,760 --> 00:40:11,520
Speaker 1: based on. If your partner word to ask you for

695
00:40:11,600 --> 00:40:13,880
Speaker 1: a hall pass, mister Mike, I'm gonna start with you.

696
00:40:15,000 --> 00:40:20,640
Speaker 2: I think asking for the hall pass is the before

697
00:40:21,440 --> 00:40:23,440
Speaker 2: you know what I mean. So that's that's the act

698
00:40:23,800 --> 00:40:27,880
Speaker 2: of not breaching the uh of dourcumitment or not breaking

699
00:40:27,920 --> 00:40:31,440
Speaker 2: our trust. I think that's the honesty part that is required,

700
00:40:32,640 --> 00:40:37,279
Speaker 2: so you don't breach or break any rules. Come, come

701
00:40:37,320 --> 00:40:39,959
Speaker 2: to your partner first, things are discussed between at home,

702
00:40:40,480 --> 00:40:43,840
Speaker 2: Come to the union first, trusting within the union first,

703
00:40:43,840 --> 00:40:46,720
Speaker 2: before you decide to make your own decisions. That's that's

704
00:40:46,840 --> 00:40:48,840
Speaker 2: that's the point of a union, right. We come together

705
00:40:48,960 --> 00:40:51,920
Speaker 2: to be one. So in us being one, we need

706
00:40:51,920 --> 00:40:56,120
Speaker 2: to discuss what's going on so we can both be safe,

707
00:40:56,160 --> 00:40:58,880
Speaker 2: so we both have a safe space to discuss what

708
00:40:58,920 --> 00:41:00,920
Speaker 2: we want to do, what we need, how we want

709
00:41:00,960 --> 00:41:03,200
Speaker 2: to do it, before we make a decision to do

710
00:41:03,239 --> 00:41:04,000
Speaker 2: whatever you want to do.

711
00:41:04,840 --> 00:41:08,320
Speaker 5: David, you know, I see him as two distinct things.

712
00:41:08,920 --> 00:41:12,840
Speaker 5: If it's not strong enough to withstand a question, you

713
00:41:12,920 --> 00:41:16,399
Speaker 5: got bigger issues than a hall pass, you know, if

714
00:41:16,440 --> 00:41:19,160
Speaker 5: I can't say to you, you know, this, this or

715
00:41:19,200 --> 00:41:23,879
Speaker 5: that ran across my mind because minds do what minds do,

716
00:41:23,920 --> 00:41:26,120
Speaker 5: you know, And if we can't have that kind of

717
00:41:26,120 --> 00:41:29,720
Speaker 5: open conversation, I think we have bigger issues, you know. Again,

718
00:41:29,800 --> 00:41:34,600
Speaker 5: for me, the cheating is you know, that's an integrity breach,

719
00:41:35,520 --> 00:41:38,160
Speaker 5: you know, And that's that's one thing I can't tolerate.

720
00:41:38,320 --> 00:41:42,960
Speaker 5: I really and honestly, I could do a physical hall

721
00:41:43,040 --> 00:41:46,000
Speaker 5: pass much easier than I could an emotional hall pass

722
00:41:46,560 --> 00:41:49,200
Speaker 5: because at the points you start to withhold your heart

723
00:41:49,239 --> 00:41:51,560
Speaker 5: from me, that's not safe.

724
00:41:51,560 --> 00:41:51,800
Speaker 2: For me.

725
00:41:52,640 --> 00:41:57,640
Speaker 5: Booty is booty, you know what I mean. It's just

726
00:41:57,960 --> 00:42:01,000
Speaker 5: you know, like really that that for me is the

727
00:42:01,360 --> 00:42:03,800
Speaker 5: is the cheapest commodity in the relationship.

728
00:42:03,920 --> 00:42:05,520
Speaker 1: I'm gonna put that on the t shoot.

729
00:42:05,680 --> 00:42:08,000
Speaker 4: Sure, some.

730
00:42:11,360 --> 00:42:14,880
Speaker 5: Loose booty flying all over the place, but you know,

731
00:42:15,080 --> 00:42:18,120
Speaker 5: for me, that's the lowest hanging fruit. That's the lowest

732
00:42:18,160 --> 00:42:20,600
Speaker 5: hanging fruit on the thing. So I would I would this.

733
00:42:20,920 --> 00:42:23,480
Speaker 5: I know some people will be horrified at this. I'd

734
00:42:23,600 --> 00:42:26,320
Speaker 5: rather you you know, let somebody shot lift the pooty

735
00:42:26,440 --> 00:42:30,720
Speaker 5: than than to to take a piece of your heart

736
00:42:31,160 --> 00:42:33,920
Speaker 5: and withhold it from me and share it with somebody

737
00:42:33,920 --> 00:42:38,200
Speaker 5: else that's for me is far more dangerous for me.

738
00:42:39,120 --> 00:42:43,919
Speaker 1: M Okay, is it easier for a woman to get

739
00:42:43,960 --> 00:42:47,479
Speaker 1: over a man cheating than it is for a man

740
00:42:47,600 --> 00:42:49,680
Speaker 1: to get over a woman cheating?

741
00:42:49,800 --> 00:42:54,160
Speaker 2: Mister Mike, In my opinion, yes, simply because women are very,

742
00:42:54,239 --> 00:42:58,840
Speaker 2: very emotional and men are Most men are more physical

743
00:42:58,960 --> 00:43:02,840
Speaker 2: than emotion. So just like, give a puns in your face,

744
00:43:03,440 --> 00:43:05,320
Speaker 2: you're gonna put a bag of peas on it. You

745
00:43:05,400 --> 00:43:09,000
Speaker 2: going the hill and let somebody break your heart? You

746
00:43:09,080 --> 00:43:11,239
Speaker 2: know what I mean? You're you're sitting there crying and

747
00:43:11,280 --> 00:43:15,240
Speaker 2: moving and little crawling all your girlfriend name want the

748
00:43:15,320 --> 00:43:20,080
Speaker 2: lightest call on fire? And it's a lot a lot nobody.

749
00:43:20,280 --> 00:43:23,160
Speaker 1: All right, let's do some rapid fire here before we close.

750
00:43:23,200 --> 00:43:25,839
Speaker 1: I'm gonna ask you a question as all you got

751
00:43:25,840 --> 00:43:27,799
Speaker 1: to do is give me a one word answer. What

752
00:43:28,000 --> 00:43:32,120
Speaker 1: pops into your heart? First? Okay? If your partner asks

753
00:43:32,120 --> 00:43:35,719
Speaker 1: you for a hall pass, what would your first response be?

754
00:43:36,640 --> 00:43:42,560
Speaker 5: Deva, My answer would be huh. I would probably say yes, no, why?

755
00:43:42,920 --> 00:43:43,320
Speaker 2: Why?

756
00:43:43,440 --> 00:43:47,640
Speaker 1: All right? Next? Rapid fire? Is asking for a hall

757
00:43:47,800 --> 00:43:52,400
Speaker 1: pass better than cheating? Or the same thing? Ze better

758
00:43:52,840 --> 00:43:58,960
Speaker 1: better deva better better? All right? If your partner wants

759
00:43:59,000 --> 00:44:02,200
Speaker 1: a hall pass? What does that mean to you?

760
00:44:03,000 --> 00:44:07,960
Speaker 5: Okay, something's not right, something must be missing.

761
00:44:09,480 --> 00:44:11,040
Speaker 4: It means we have to have a conversation.

762
00:44:11,719 --> 00:44:19,000
Speaker 1: Mike. Is it possible that a hall pass could be

763
00:44:19,160 --> 00:44:28,320
Speaker 1: helpful to the relationship? Could it be helpful, mister Mike, Yes, yes, yes, absolutely.

764
00:44:28,920 --> 00:44:34,800
Speaker 1: Would you ever ask your partner for a hall path? Ze?

765
00:44:35,200 --> 00:44:45,120
Speaker 1: No Mike, no, okay no, David, all right, final rapid fire.

766
00:44:45,760 --> 00:44:48,279
Speaker 1: What do you think is the most important thing in

767
00:44:48,320 --> 00:44:52,440
Speaker 1: a relationship that could keep a hall pass from being necessary?

768
00:44:52,640 --> 00:44:54,400
Speaker 1: Let me go to you first, mister Mike.

769
00:44:54,840 --> 00:45:00,720
Speaker 2: Communication, communication and communication, okay, the most important in every

770
00:45:00,760 --> 00:45:04,120
Speaker 2: relationship man and women and women and women, women and son,

771
00:45:04,280 --> 00:45:07,759
Speaker 2: son and daughter, and every single relationship there is so

772
00:45:07,920 --> 00:45:11,600
Speaker 2: that exists. I think communication is the most important thing.

773
00:45:12,560 --> 00:45:14,080
Speaker 1: Okay, Okay.

774
00:45:14,760 --> 00:45:18,560
Speaker 6: Having a safe space is very important because it I

775
00:45:18,560 --> 00:45:20,680
Speaker 6: feel like you have to be you have to feel

776
00:45:20,680 --> 00:45:24,400
Speaker 6: comfortable enough to come have a conversation like that or

777
00:45:24,480 --> 00:45:24,920
Speaker 6: about that.

778
00:45:25,239 --> 00:45:32,680
Speaker 7: Okay, Z what do you think friendship and communication? Because

779
00:45:32,719 --> 00:45:35,200
Speaker 7: there are just some things that I will never do

780
00:45:35,360 --> 00:45:37,440
Speaker 7: to my friend mm hm.

781
00:45:39,280 --> 00:45:41,480
Speaker 1: Wow, Davia.

782
00:45:42,000 --> 00:45:47,560
Speaker 5: First of all, honesty, like like honest, honest honesty, But

783
00:45:47,640 --> 00:45:52,279
Speaker 5: more importantly in what's going on today, seeing each other,

784
00:45:53,040 --> 00:45:58,760
Speaker 5: not being distracted by devices and outside influences, and accepting

785
00:45:59,400 --> 00:46:03,160
Speaker 5: the person for who they are right now, not who

786
00:46:03,239 --> 00:46:06,759
Speaker 5: you think they could be, because that leaves a lot

787
00:46:06,800 --> 00:46:08,360
Speaker 5: of suspiciousness for people.

788
00:46:08,760 --> 00:46:12,120
Speaker 1: If I had to ask myself, would I give my

789
00:46:12,320 --> 00:46:17,919
Speaker 1: partner a hall path, my first response would be tell

790
00:46:17,960 --> 00:46:20,200
Speaker 1: me what you mean when you say that? That would

791
00:46:20,239 --> 00:46:23,560
Speaker 1: be my first question. I would want a clear definition

792
00:46:24,120 --> 00:46:27,360
Speaker 1: of what a hall pass is. Would I asked my

793
00:46:27,520 --> 00:46:32,360
Speaker 1: partner for a hall past? Absolutely I would, because I'm old,

794
00:46:35,719 --> 00:46:39,279
Speaker 1: I ain't got much time left, and if I see

795
00:46:39,640 --> 00:46:42,920
Speaker 1: a trinket on the side of the road that I

796
00:46:43,000 --> 00:46:49,520
Speaker 1: want to play with, I want to play with that trinket. O. No,

797
00:46:49,880 --> 00:46:54,759
Speaker 1: would I asked my partner for a hall past? Probably not,

798
00:46:55,160 --> 00:46:59,600
Speaker 1: probably not at this stage. But I would ask my

799
00:46:59,760 --> 00:47:03,640
Speaker 1: part to be my hall past if there was something

800
00:47:03,680 --> 00:47:06,640
Speaker 1: that I needed that I felt was missing, if there

801
00:47:06,680 --> 00:47:11,360
Speaker 1: was something that we needed to explore and examine today

802
00:47:11,680 --> 00:47:15,040
Speaker 1: and again at my age, it ain't gonna be too kinky, okay,

803
00:47:15,120 --> 00:47:17,759
Speaker 1: but I would ask my partner to be my hall past.

804
00:47:17,800 --> 00:47:21,319
Speaker 7: So see, that's that wisdom, that's that wisdom. I mean,

805
00:47:21,520 --> 00:47:24,520
Speaker 7: I love that you know, let's let's go on and

806
00:47:24,520 --> 00:47:26,720
Speaker 7: pretend and you're going to be my hall past.

807
00:47:26,840 --> 00:47:30,360
Speaker 1: Let's do yeah, do you know dress up kinky or something?

808
00:47:30,560 --> 00:47:30,960
Speaker 7: I don't know.

809
00:47:31,080 --> 00:47:34,560
Speaker 1: I love that. And what do I think is absolutely

810
00:47:34,640 --> 00:47:40,120
Speaker 1: missing from relationships today? And for me, it's trust, First

811
00:47:40,120 --> 00:47:42,840
Speaker 1: of all, trusting yourself that where you are with the

812
00:47:42,880 --> 00:47:45,160
Speaker 1: person you're with is exactly where you need to be.

813
00:47:45,920 --> 00:47:51,560
Speaker 1: Trusting yourself that you have what it takes to create

814
00:47:51,640 --> 00:47:54,799
Speaker 1: the relationship, that you want to be the person that

815
00:47:54,880 --> 00:47:58,600
Speaker 1: you want to be, and also trusting the other person.

816
00:47:59,239 --> 00:48:01,560
Speaker 1: For me, if if I can't trust you, then there's

817
00:48:01,600 --> 00:48:03,960
Speaker 1: no reason for us to be together. I have to

818
00:48:04,000 --> 00:48:06,440
Speaker 1: trust you with my heart. I have to trust you

819
00:48:06,480 --> 00:48:09,880
Speaker 1: with my secrets. I have to trust you with my vulnerabilities.

820
00:48:10,280 --> 00:48:12,520
Speaker 1: I think it was Kay that said a safe place

821
00:48:13,000 --> 00:48:16,200
Speaker 1: you have to be my safe place to fall. And

822
00:48:16,480 --> 00:48:19,280
Speaker 1: if that's not who you are and where you are,

823
00:48:19,640 --> 00:48:22,560
Speaker 1: then a hall pass really isn't going to help us

824
00:48:22,640 --> 00:48:26,759
Speaker 1: at all. So I think trust because when I trust you,

825
00:48:26,960 --> 00:48:30,120
Speaker 1: I will share my secrets and I will share my heart,

826
00:48:30,360 --> 00:48:32,880
Speaker 1: and I will tell you what I'm thinking, what I'm feeling,

827
00:48:33,239 --> 00:48:36,000
Speaker 1: what I need. So for me today, the thing that's

828
00:48:36,080 --> 00:48:39,680
Speaker 1: missing is is trust. We do this kind of bartering

829
00:48:39,719 --> 00:48:42,960
Speaker 1: and exchange of needs. You feel this need for me,

830
00:48:43,040 --> 00:48:45,000
Speaker 1: I'll feel that need for you. You give me this,

831
00:48:45,160 --> 00:48:47,319
Speaker 1: I'll give you that. You do this, I'll do that.

832
00:48:47,760 --> 00:48:51,560
Speaker 1: And that is not how you build a relationship. So

833
00:48:51,600 --> 00:48:53,680
Speaker 1: I want to thank my guests. I want to thank

834
00:48:53,760 --> 00:48:58,560
Speaker 1: my callers. This has been a very well seasoned soup today.

835
00:48:59,160 --> 00:49:01,760
Speaker 1: And for all of you you listening out there, really

836
00:49:02,120 --> 00:49:07,640
Speaker 1: take this into a bigger conversation and listen. Maybe girlfriend gatherings,

837
00:49:07,719 --> 00:49:11,120
Speaker 1: maybe take it to the barbershop. Would you give your

838
00:49:11,239 --> 00:49:14,480
Speaker 1: partner a hall pass or would you ask for a

839
00:49:14,520 --> 00:49:17,560
Speaker 1: hall pass? Do you think it's a good idea for

840
00:49:17,719 --> 00:49:20,560
Speaker 1: partners to stay up front what it is they need,

841
00:49:20,600 --> 00:49:23,520
Speaker 1: what it is that they're doing. Why would you want

842
00:49:23,520 --> 00:49:26,239
Speaker 1: a hall pass? Do you think it's something missing in

843
00:49:26,280 --> 00:49:30,319
Speaker 1: a relationship? Is it just curiosity? Why would you want

844
00:49:30,320 --> 00:49:33,880
Speaker 1: a hall pass? And does your partner asking for a

845
00:49:33,920 --> 00:49:38,000
Speaker 1: hall pass or you needing a hall pass mean that

846
00:49:38,040 --> 00:49:42,440
Speaker 1: there's something wrong with the relationship? And as asking for

847
00:49:42,480 --> 00:49:47,760
Speaker 1: a hall pass better than slipping around, slipping in the darkness, cheating,

848
00:49:48,600 --> 00:49:52,440
Speaker 1: which would you rather have? Thank you for tuning in today.

849
00:49:52,880 --> 00:49:56,480
Speaker 1: Oh wow? What an incredible conversation. I hope that you

850
00:49:56,680 --> 00:49:59,960
Speaker 1: heard something that you can use in your life, something

851
00:50:00,080 --> 00:50:03,759
Speaker 1: thing that will lift you up, something that will expand you,

852
00:50:03,920 --> 00:50:07,319
Speaker 1: and something that will help you in your relationship. So

853
00:50:08,000 --> 00:50:10,520
Speaker 1: I want to see you next time. In the meantime,

854
00:50:10,840 --> 00:50:29,759
Speaker 1: stay in peace and not in pieces. Bye. The R

855
00:50:29,840 --> 00:50:34,840
Speaker 1: Spot is a production of Shondaland Audio in partnership with iHeartRadio.

856
00:50:35,560 --> 00:50:40,280
Speaker 1: For more podcasts from Shondaland Audio, visit the iHeartRadio app,

857
00:50:40,480 --> 00:50:44,280
Speaker 1: Apple Podcasts, or wherever you listen to your favorite show.