WEBVTT - #454 - Darius Rucker on the Pain from His Biological Father 0:00:06.840 --> 0:00:09.520 Give my phone number and go on the road for 0:00:09.560 --> 0:00:11.600 a couple of days. I get back to my house 0:00:11.880 --> 0:00:14.000 and I check my answer machine and he's on my 0:00:14.040 --> 0:00:17.720 answer machine. And the first message he left me in 0:00:17.760 --> 0:00:20.160 my whole life, I haven't talked him in fifteen years. 0:00:20.320 --> 0:00:23.000 He asked me for fifty thousand dollars. I was like, 0:00:23.120 --> 0:00:24.759 are you kidding me? 0:00:26.640 --> 0:00:29.840 Episode four fifty four with Darius Rucker. He's got a 0:00:29.840 --> 0:00:33.520 new book called Live's Too Short, a memoir by Darius Rucker. 0:00:33.760 --> 0:00:37.680 It's out today, so get it. I've read little snippets 0:00:37.680 --> 0:00:39.760 of it. I will read the book. I love Darius. 0:00:40.040 --> 0:00:42.199 You may have heard my first interview ever. Darius and 0:00:42.240 --> 0:00:46.360 I are friends. You know what this book, which again, 0:00:46.400 --> 0:00:47.720 I have read the whole thing, so I'm gonna be 0:00:47.760 --> 0:00:49.160 honest about it. I was waiting till the full book 0:00:49.200 --> 0:00:51.200 came out because mostly when they send out the books 0:00:51.200 --> 0:00:53.880 that are I won't call them sample, but like early versions, 0:00:54.080 --> 0:00:57.320 the punctuation's not right. It's basically just hey, read this 0:00:57.400 --> 0:00:59.400 if you see anything wrong with it. Edison one of 0:00:59.440 --> 0:01:01.240 those out to it, and there's a lot of stuff 0:01:01.240 --> 0:01:03.320 wrong with it. Hey, my book had errors after it 0:01:03.320 --> 0:01:05.520 was all the way out, but so I read parts 0:01:05.520 --> 0:01:09.679 of Darius's book, and I think I start this interview 0:01:09.720 --> 0:01:11.240 if I remember, because we did a few weeks ago 0:01:11.280 --> 0:01:14.280 before he left to go overseas. I got started by going, 0:01:14.319 --> 0:01:15.080 like what drugs. 0:01:14.800 --> 0:01:15.920 Are the best? 0:01:16.200 --> 0:01:21.400 Because people don't really associate Hoodie with like doing anything wrong, 0:01:21.560 --> 0:01:25.600 not really. They went hard, and so I just wanted 0:01:25.600 --> 0:01:27.000 to know. I wanted to set the tone like we're 0:01:27.000 --> 0:01:28.640 gonna talk about a lot of stuff here, but like 0:01:28.680 --> 0:01:31.640 what's the best drug? Because I don't know. I only 0:01:31.680 --> 0:01:34.160 he was expecting that question, which is why I asked him. 0:01:34.240 --> 0:01:37.040 That's why I led with that. So I'll read you 0:01:37.080 --> 0:01:40.080 a little bit about the book, a raw, heartfelt memoir 0:01:40.120 --> 0:01:43.199 from three time Grammy Award winning, multi diamond selling lead 0:01:43.240 --> 0:01:46.959 singer of Hoody and the Blowfish. And he is also 0:01:47.080 --> 0:01:50.560 on my book imprint, not even just my book company, 0:01:50.640 --> 0:01:53.920 but the specific imprint. We're on the same one. Yeah, 0:01:53.960 --> 0:01:56.360 So Darius talks the story about his dad, and you'll 0:01:56.360 --> 0:02:00.800 hear it. I thought about this, that story for a month, 0:02:01.240 --> 0:02:03.120 because we did this leading up so we could put 0:02:03.120 --> 0:02:05.280 this out at the time. His dad's showing up in 0:02:05.320 --> 0:02:08.640 the restaurant. That's a tough one. Holy crap, The book 0:02:08.680 --> 0:02:10.760 is at Darius Rutger dot com. It's also in the 0:02:10.760 --> 0:02:13.720 podcast Notes or Amazon. You can get signed copies on 0:02:13.800 --> 0:02:17.280 Barnes and Noble. He's got a single called Southern Comfort, 0:02:17.280 --> 0:02:19.120 which you can check out his album, which came out 0:02:19.200 --> 0:02:22.840 last year's Caroline's Boy. But here we Go. It's Darius 0:02:22.919 --> 0:02:26.359 Rutger got a new books. This is a good one. 0:02:27.080 --> 0:02:28.600 I mean I think we both like started crying at 0:02:28.600 --> 0:02:30.000 some one point. Okay, I think this is a record 0:02:30.000 --> 0:02:32.560 for the amount of you and the Yeah, I never 0:02:32.520 --> 0:02:34.720 really know him and like when he's getting emotional makes 0:02:34.760 --> 0:02:37.600 me emotional. All right, enjoy here we I'm going right now, 0:02:38.280 --> 0:02:42.040 Darius Rutger, Episode four fifty four. This is first time 0:02:42.040 --> 0:02:44.680 that we've ever done this for like this long. 0:02:45.280 --> 0:02:47.480 Yeah, we've never done a full length interview. 0:02:47.639 --> 0:02:50.320 Yeah, we've done lots of like we've we've hung out 0:02:50.360 --> 0:02:54.360 a bunch, yeah, but never like And here's why this 0:02:54.400 --> 0:02:56.160 is exciting to me. I would never ask you some 0:02:56.200 --> 0:02:58.280 of like the geek out questions that I would want 0:02:58.320 --> 0:03:01.040 to ask you in person were like hanging out and I 0:03:01.000 --> 0:03:05.160 want to be like, so when you met Mark, you 0:03:05.200 --> 0:03:08.880 knows a different environment. But when I saw that you 0:03:08.919 --> 0:03:12.160 were writing a book which I don't have. Nobody said 0:03:12.160 --> 0:03:14.880 it to me. I was supposed to pre read it. Yeah, no, 0:03:14.919 --> 0:03:15.600 I never got it. 0:03:15.720 --> 0:03:17.440 I don't know. I would to say, you have told me. 0:03:17.440 --> 0:03:18.200 I would have said it to you. 0:03:18.240 --> 0:03:19.600 Oh no, No, I didn't know if I missed it, 0:03:19.600 --> 0:03:22.200 because I would have read it. Instead of lying about 0:03:22.200 --> 0:03:24.280 read it like I do sometimes, I would have actually 0:03:24.280 --> 0:03:27.720 read it. But then I'll just ask questions and you 0:03:27.760 --> 0:03:31.040 can tell me if it's in the book or not. 0:03:31.080 --> 0:03:31.600 What's going to do? 0:03:31.720 --> 0:03:31.920 Like that? 0:03:33.360 --> 0:03:36.960 Life's Too Short? A memoir by Darius Rutger. Why I 0:03:37.040 --> 0:03:37.640 write a book? 0:03:37.680 --> 0:03:41.760 Now? Oh? They've been asking I've been asked for years 0:03:41.800 --> 0:03:43.800 to do it, and I just kept saying no. I 0:03:43.880 --> 0:03:46.160 kept saying no, And I would say if I ever did, 0:03:46.200 --> 0:03:48.320 it was going to be my kids are grown, when 0:03:48.320 --> 0:03:52.000 they're adults, because because you know, if I was going 0:03:52.040 --> 0:03:53.280 to write it, I was going to tell the story. 0:03:53.320 --> 0:03:56.280 And if you tell the true story, you know it's 0:03:56.480 --> 0:03:58.240 it's not a little more than PG. 0:03:58.880 --> 0:03:59.080 Sure. 0:03:59.280 --> 0:04:02.040 Yeah, and I. 0:04:02.080 --> 0:04:04.000 Just figured it was time. It just seemed like a 0:04:04.000 --> 0:04:04.640 good time to do. 0:04:04.600 --> 0:04:08.520 It without getting any any stories yet? Did you like 0:04:08.680 --> 0:04:12.160 pre warn them about stories or are you just gonna 0:04:12.200 --> 0:04:14.320 let them experience some of the stuff they don't know. 0:04:14.680 --> 0:04:19.040 Oh, I pre warned them. The funny thing is, you know, 0:04:19.760 --> 0:04:22.159 I've been pretty open with them about, you know, the 0:04:22.240 --> 0:04:26.200 life I've lived since they've grown up, and you know, 0:04:26.279 --> 0:04:28.120 so I don't think it's anything's going to surprise them, 0:04:28.120 --> 0:04:31.040 but some of the stories will. Probably they'll be taken back. 0:04:32.880 --> 0:04:35.880 Man, if I say something wrong, stop me. I'm going 0:04:35.920 --> 0:04:41.480 to make a lot of assumptions here based on simple 0:04:41.480 --> 0:04:44.080 conversations that we've had. But to me, I was a 0:04:44.080 --> 0:04:46.760 massive fan of Hoodie in The Blowfish, both Hoody and 0:04:46.760 --> 0:04:51.559 The Blowfish, and to me, it seemed like you guys 0:04:51.560 --> 0:04:53.760 because they would show you like singing in choir at 0:04:53.760 --> 0:04:56.840 South Carolina. There was this image of you guys that 0:04:57.000 --> 0:05:00.760 was wholesome as crap. Yes, everything about you guys was 0:05:00.800 --> 0:05:04.480 like down the massive songs, you're playing a pop radio 0:05:05.360 --> 0:05:08.560 down the middle. You look clean, you look nice, but 0:05:10.120 --> 0:05:13.400 probably a lot of alcohol, a lot of drugs, yes, 0:05:13.880 --> 0:05:16.159 more than we would ever think because of the image 0:05:16.160 --> 0:05:16.920 that we had of you. 0:05:17.120 --> 0:05:19.440 I think there are some stories in the book that 0:05:19.440 --> 0:05:22.120 are going to surprise people. I mean, if if it 0:05:22.160 --> 0:05:25.200 wasn't us, it wasn't like if the story was Nirvana 0:05:25.320 --> 0:05:27.039 or the story, it wouldn't be why. 0:05:27.200 --> 0:05:29.200 Yeah, that's why because what we thought us. 0:05:29.320 --> 0:05:33.559 It's surprised but uh yeah we we we went hard 0:05:33.640 --> 0:05:36.280 and there's no and then I don't pull any punches 0:05:36.279 --> 0:05:39.320 in the book. I tell the stories and the the 0:05:39.560 --> 0:05:42.360 funny stories and the crazy stories. But uh, I think 0:05:42.360 --> 0:05:44.920 that's gonna be something at first that people because you're right, 0:05:44.960 --> 0:05:48.159 we were the clean cut you know, boys next door. 0:05:48.440 --> 0:05:51.120 You know that that that everybody. That's how everybody saw 0:05:51.160 --> 0:05:54.000 us because our music was that way too. And uh 0:05:54.040 --> 0:05:56.640 but I think there was some people would be not surprised, 0:05:56.640 --> 0:05:59.719 but the book will make you go, oh that that happened. 0:06:00.360 --> 0:06:04.839 Uh. A personal question that I have, what's the best 0:06:04.960 --> 0:06:08.799 drug I never tried? I want to try? Oh my god, 0:06:08.920 --> 0:06:11.160 you're asking me that, Like I want to know because 0:06:11.200 --> 0:06:13.039 I want to try them all. I've not tried any 0:06:13.040 --> 0:06:15.200 of them. I don't even drink alcohol. I would love 0:06:15.279 --> 0:06:17.240 to have it all. I love to just have like 0:06:17.279 --> 0:06:19.440 a week, and I know that I would not be 0:06:19.839 --> 0:06:24.000 if you said, like a Godchaid, Bobby, you have one week, 0:06:24.720 --> 0:06:27.960 you can do every drum pretty good and you will 0:06:28.000 --> 0:06:32.680 not be addicted like your family. What's the best? 0:06:32.920 --> 0:06:34.480 Oh goodness, I can't believe you're going to be to 0:06:34.520 --> 0:06:38.000 answer this question. Ah, extacy is the best? 0:06:39.440 --> 0:06:41.640 And did you take a pillow under the tongue or 0:06:41.680 --> 0:06:42.159 does that work? 0:06:43.160 --> 0:06:43.440 Both? 0:06:43.800 --> 0:06:46.719 Even the name of it, I mean, twenty years is 0:06:47.440 --> 0:06:48.920 the name of it? Sounds like it should be. 0:06:48.960 --> 0:06:51.920 That's that's that's That's what I always say about that 0:06:52.040 --> 0:06:54.400 particularly drug. They explain it to you, what it is 0:06:54.520 --> 0:06:54.800 by the. 0:06:54.839 --> 0:06:56.560 Day, is that the one where you get really dehydrated. 0:06:57.000 --> 0:06:59.080 You do get most of you get dehydrated, but yeah, 0:06:59.120 --> 0:07:01.520 you get really dehydrated, but you just get really happy. 0:07:01.760 --> 0:07:05.240 Can you get addicted to ecstasy? I don't like they 0:07:05.279 --> 0:07:07.080 say you can't me they say you can't get addicted 0:07:07.080 --> 0:07:07.320 to weed? 0:07:07.400 --> 0:07:07.960 Yeah, I don't know. 0:07:08.000 --> 0:07:10.480 Probably, man, that one sounds awesome. I wouldn't even put 0:07:10.480 --> 0:07:12.480 that on my list because I don't. But that's my 0:07:12.600 --> 0:07:14.560 list of drugs with the best names that I think 0:07:14.600 --> 0:07:17.120 I want to be addicted to. It's do you just 0:07:17.160 --> 0:07:18.480 want to like have sex with everything? 0:07:18.640 --> 0:07:20.720 It's not that so much. It's I always say that 0:07:20.760 --> 0:07:23.080 if you if you if you think something's okay, you 0:07:23.160 --> 0:07:25.240 like it a lot, you like it, you love it, 0:07:25.480 --> 0:07:27.200 And if you love it. It's the greatest thing that's 0:07:27.200 --> 0:07:27.880 ever hit the earth. 0:07:27.960 --> 0:07:28.720 What's being drunk? 0:07:28.840 --> 0:07:33.480 Like, you're stupid? That's really you're stupid. 0:07:33.840 --> 0:07:34.880 But do you know you're stupid? 0:07:35.160 --> 0:07:37.440 No, you don't know. You don't you wake up? 0:07:37.480 --> 0:07:38.920 You and I might be drunk every hour of the 0:07:38.960 --> 0:07:39.360 day already. 0:07:39.440 --> 0:07:40.960 Yeah, you might wake up. You know, you wake up 0:07:41.000 --> 0:07:42.840 and somebody says you did something you don't remember it, 0:07:42.840 --> 0:07:44.800 and you feel like a complete told jerk. 0:07:46.000 --> 0:07:49.320 When I I had a brief so I had some 0:07:49.720 --> 0:07:53.000 issues where I got jumped and got pistol whipped and 0:07:53.280 --> 0:07:57.280 and you know, attacked and whatever. The job my career 0:07:57.320 --> 0:07:59.080 as did yours. It got to a weird place where 0:07:59.080 --> 0:08:00.640 I started to have success. Some of the things that 0:08:00.680 --> 0:08:03.000 are not fun about it. Yeah, out of nowhere they 0:08:03.080 --> 0:08:04.800 kind of hit me. And so I having all these 0:08:04.800 --> 0:08:09.280 security threats and I couldn't sleep, and I my doctor 0:08:09.400 --> 0:08:11.520 was like, Okay, we're gonna try everything. I just didn't 0:08:11.520 --> 0:08:14.360 want to have any pills doctor. So then I eventually 0:08:14.400 --> 0:08:16.040 like our ninth thing. He was like, we're gonna do 0:08:16.080 --> 0:08:21.360 this is an ambient type drug and tried it. Got 0:08:22.520 --> 0:08:24.440 a bit dependent on it where I felt like I 0:08:24.480 --> 0:08:26.160 was tethered to it. If I was going anywhere, it 0:08:26.200 --> 0:08:29.680 was with me, just in case, and then I would 0:08:30.120 --> 0:08:31.640 take it and then be like, no, I'm gonna go 0:08:31.720 --> 0:08:34.120 and work through it for like four hours, and then 0:08:34.160 --> 0:08:36.720 I would not remember the next day I would wake up. 0:08:36.720 --> 0:08:38.800 I was facetiming people. I don't know what I showed 0:08:38.800 --> 0:08:41.120 them on FaceTime. That's the only thing I can think about. 0:08:41.160 --> 0:08:43.959 Being drunk and like blacken out. I was like, oh 0:08:44.000 --> 0:08:45.240 my god, what did I even do? 0:08:45.280 --> 0:08:47.800 What did I do? What did I do? And then 0:08:47.840 --> 0:08:50.320 you hear and you go, I did that? Yeah, yeah, 0:08:50.360 --> 0:08:50.920 it sucks. Weh. 0:08:50.920 --> 0:08:52.360 I used to drive off with the gas pump in 0:08:52.400 --> 0:08:54.040 the car. Really did it twice. 0:08:54.400 --> 0:08:54.760 Really. 0:08:55.080 --> 0:08:56.439 I would go to work. I don't remember any of 0:08:56.440 --> 0:08:59.400 the shows, but even here, and I would pump gas 0:08:59.440 --> 0:09:01.240 and I would drive off in the gas pump would 0:09:01.240 --> 0:09:03.160 be in the car when I like came to came 0:09:03.200 --> 0:09:06.120 to like and I was like, man, being drunk socks 0:09:07.679 --> 0:09:09.720 like to me, that was the only and I had 0:09:09.720 --> 0:09:12.520 to stop doing that. It was very hard, but that 0:09:12.679 --> 0:09:15.000 was my drunk and I didn't like it, but also 0:09:15.040 --> 0:09:17.440 didn't get to like have fun. Like all my friends, 0:09:17.840 --> 0:09:19.640 I'm the only one that doesn't drink and they look. 0:09:19.520 --> 0:09:20.240 Like they have a fun. 0:09:20.280 --> 0:09:21.240 I just want to have fun. 0:09:21.640 --> 0:09:24.880 I mean, everything's fun until it's not fun anymore, or 0:09:24.920 --> 0:09:26.920 everything's fun until you take it too far. You know, 0:09:27.040 --> 0:09:28.800 like you can drink and not get really drunk and 0:09:28.840 --> 0:09:29.920 have a great time. I couldn't. 0:09:30.320 --> 0:09:31.880 Yeah, you could, I drink everything. I would be. 0:09:34.320 --> 0:09:35.440 You know that. That's why you don't. 0:09:35.640 --> 0:09:37.880 That's why I don't do it would crush it. 0:09:38.000 --> 0:09:39.840 Exactly When did you? 0:09:39.880 --> 0:09:43.199 When were you able to sing where people were like, hey, 0:09:43.200 --> 0:09:46.040 you're actually better than other people around your age. 0:09:46.280 --> 0:09:50.720 Four or five? Really, we knew early. My mom would 0:09:50.720 --> 0:09:54.000 tell me when I was five, you have your voice 0:09:54.080 --> 0:09:56.440 is different. You've got a great voice. You was singing 0:09:56.440 --> 0:09:58.440 those Algreen songs and sounding just like al Green, and 0:09:58.720 --> 0:10:00.679 you have a d voice for a kid, No the 0:10:00.760 --> 0:10:02.559 kid I had, you know, tenor like everybody else. 0:10:02.600 --> 0:10:03.200 Really yeah. 0:10:03.440 --> 0:10:05.280 Actually, one of the funny stories I tell is, uh, 0:10:05.880 --> 0:10:08.560 I was thirteen, I guess, and I was in the 0:10:08.559 --> 0:10:10.719 house and my mom put on an Algreen record and 0:10:10.760 --> 0:10:12.439 I started singing the al Green record and I tried 0:10:12.480 --> 0:10:14.000 to add the high note and I couldn't hit it 0:10:14.040 --> 0:10:16.920 because my voice was changing. And I started crying because 0:10:16.920 --> 0:10:19.440 I realized I couldn't sing like that anymore. It's pretty disapprning. 0:10:19.640 --> 0:10:23.480 Do you think that your mom, she's pretty supportive in general. 0:10:23.640 --> 0:10:27.920 Very Do you think that her telling you at four 0:10:28.000 --> 0:10:30.720 or five that you were advanced even though she believed it, 0:10:30.760 --> 0:10:33.560 but that also made you feel like you were Therefore 0:10:34.120 --> 0:10:37.800 you achieved more because you're believing yourself was stronger. 0:10:37.880 --> 0:10:41.160 Absolutely? Absolutely, I mean because she believed me so much. 0:10:41.160 --> 0:10:43.240 And like you say, a lot of parents, because you know, 0:10:43.280 --> 0:10:45.880 we will see idol or whatever and somebody will say, yeah, 0:10:45.880 --> 0:10:47.400 my family said I can sing, and then they sing 0:10:47.400 --> 0:10:49.520 and you go, your family and are been lying to 0:10:49.559 --> 0:10:53.520 you all these years, And that happens a lot. But uh, 0:10:53.920 --> 0:10:57.040 the reason I was so confident was because was my mom. 0:10:57.120 --> 0:10:59.640 She was always so confident in my talent and always 0:10:59.679 --> 0:11:03.040 telling me you're special. This is not a joke, You're special. 0:11:03.320 --> 0:11:04.360 Is your mom still alive now? 0:11:04.520 --> 0:11:06.640 No? She? Uh eighty nine? 0:11:06.720 --> 0:11:08.520 You put on the one last record? 0:11:08.559 --> 0:11:10.800 Right? Yeah? Yeah, yeah, she died a ninety before we 0:11:10.840 --> 0:11:11.280 ever made it. 0:11:11.320 --> 0:11:15.160 Actually, really, where how far did you get or did 0:11:15.200 --> 0:11:17.440 you even commit to being a band that was gonna 0:11:17.440 --> 0:11:18.880 try while she was alive? Or are you just doing 0:11:19.000 --> 0:11:19.280 you did. 0:11:19.400 --> 0:11:21.600 Yes, we was. She died in ninety one. We started 0:11:21.600 --> 0:11:24.960 the band in eighty six, so yeah, we had we 0:11:25.040 --> 0:11:28.400 definitely committed to. We were out playing clubs. 0:11:28.640 --> 0:11:31.079 What was she like as a mom and what was 0:11:31.120 --> 0:11:33.520 she like? What would her friends say about her? Oh, 0:11:33.600 --> 0:11:33.959 her mom? 0:11:34.120 --> 0:11:36.679 Her friends would say she was the funniest person. But 0:11:36.720 --> 0:11:39.720 she was also that person you could always count on 0:11:39.880 --> 0:11:42.560 if you had a problem, especially her work friends, your friends, 0:11:42.640 --> 0:11:44.800 or friends or nurse friends. You know, if you had 0:11:44.800 --> 0:11:47.320 a problem and it was an emergency and you needed 0:11:47.320 --> 0:11:49.000 somebody to work for you, and you could always call 0:11:49.000 --> 0:11:51.600 my mom and she'd go in for you and not 0:11:51.679 --> 0:11:53.920 complain and not worry about it, not only because she's 0:11:53.920 --> 0:11:56.400 helping you, but also because hell, we could use the money, 0:11:57.160 --> 0:11:59.560 you know. And so she was just funny and fun 0:11:59.600 --> 0:12:03.079 and she was that mother who worked her butt off. 0:12:03.120 --> 0:12:07.520 She worked all the time. But you know, you'd be 0:12:07.520 --> 0:12:09.560 so you met your football game and you know, all 0:12:09.960 --> 0:12:11.600 you know, be the third quarter and you look up 0:12:11.600 --> 0:12:13.640 and there she was walking in from work, you know, 0:12:13.760 --> 0:12:16.360 tired of she could be showing up for that game 0:12:16.400 --> 0:12:18.920 to watch just the last two quarters and you're already 0:12:18.960 --> 0:12:21.400 down twenty eight. But she's yelling like you know, she's 0:12:21.480 --> 0:12:23.360 yelling like you we were winning, and you could hear 0:12:23.400 --> 0:12:25.320 her yellow on the sidelines and she was she was. 0:12:25.320 --> 0:12:27.960 That kind of money your dad, relationship with your dad. 0:12:28.559 --> 0:12:32.319 None. None. That was It's funny because I'm I was reading. 0:12:32.360 --> 0:12:35.880 I was doing the uh the uh what do you 0:12:35.880 --> 0:12:39.360 call it? Audiobook for the book, and I'd read it, 0:12:39.360 --> 0:12:41.120 you know, I've read it a couple of times, and 0:12:41.320 --> 0:12:43.760 I started reading the parts about my dad, and that's 0:12:43.800 --> 0:12:46.360 the only part that I was like choking up. I 0:12:46.400 --> 0:12:49.080 was like, really, because I didn't know how much it 0:12:49.080 --> 0:12:52.080 bothered me until I wrote the book. I didn't know 0:12:52.120 --> 0:12:55.040 how much it really just shaped my life and bothered 0:12:55.080 --> 0:12:57.280 me my whole life until I wrote the book, and 0:12:57.320 --> 0:12:59.920 then I was like, wow, that was that really really bothered? 0:13:00.480 --> 0:13:03.360 Yeah, that's real. I had those issues with writing my 0:13:03.400 --> 0:13:04.920 first book because with a lot of stuff about my 0:13:04.960 --> 0:13:08.720 mom before she died and her and same, I was like, 0:13:08.760 --> 0:13:14.880 I didn't understand like how fundamentally, like even misunderstood. I 0:13:15.000 --> 0:13:18.120 was to myself, Yeah, until I like put it out, 0:13:18.160 --> 0:13:20.280 and then I'm like, well, I got to evaluate and 0:13:20.320 --> 0:13:25.280 then even debating on putting it out, so putting it 0:13:25.280 --> 0:13:27.440 on paper or writing it's the first set then going 0:13:27.440 --> 0:13:29.640 do I really want to send this? And like having 0:13:29.640 --> 0:13:32.200 that conversation of how on committing to it and then 0:13:32.280 --> 0:13:34.800 you're right Reading it back was really hard. 0:13:35.480 --> 0:13:38.720 There was some that was tough with the dad. Stuff 0:13:38.720 --> 0:13:40.920 was stuff, But there's stuff in the book where you know, 0:13:41.040 --> 0:13:42.640 as you're writing it, you're writing it and you know 0:13:42.679 --> 0:13:45.959 you're you're laughing or whatever, you're you're whatever, or you know, 0:13:46.280 --> 0:13:47.760 but then when you read it back a couple of 0:13:47.760 --> 0:13:51.360 times you go, wow, wow, crazy. 0:13:51.400 --> 0:13:53.520 Did you have a new appreciation for the younger version 0:13:53.520 --> 0:13:55.560 of you at times who's gotten through some real serious 0:13:55.559 --> 0:13:56.480 crab Yeah, I. 0:13:56.480 --> 0:14:00.200 Really that was something that also happened. That's perfect saying 0:14:00.240 --> 0:14:02.800 I got a really a lot more respect for me 0:14:02.840 --> 0:14:06.719 and an appreciation for me because all the stuff, all 0:14:06.720 --> 0:14:08.599 the negative stuff and the positive stuff, but all the 0:14:08.600 --> 0:14:11.440 stuff that happens that happened when I was younger. Man, 0:14:11.720 --> 0:14:13.800 I wouldn't gonna let anything stop me from doing what 0:14:13.880 --> 0:14:14.360 I wanted to do. 0:14:15.200 --> 0:14:18.520 And if it were another kid who you saw from you, 0:14:18.600 --> 0:14:20.760 you'd be like so proud of that freaking kid. You'd 0:14:20.800 --> 0:14:22.320 be like, I cannot believe that kid's doing it. But 0:14:22.360 --> 0:14:24.000 if it's us, we're like, now we're just surviving there, 0:14:24.040 --> 0:14:25.320 We're you know, we're in the middle of it. We 0:14:25.440 --> 0:14:28.960 don't really understand except survive absolutely, and so same for me. 0:14:29.040 --> 0:14:31.880 I had it's weird to say an appreciation for that 0:14:32.160 --> 0:14:37.800 kid who got through like all that crap. Absolutely, and 0:14:37.920 --> 0:14:41.120 that book was a real therapeutic. 0:14:41.360 --> 0:14:43.520 That's that's exactly what it was. And that's one of 0:14:43.560 --> 0:14:45.760 the reasons I wrote it. And I didn't even realize 0:14:45.760 --> 0:14:47.560 that was one of the reasons to go once again. 0:14:47.600 --> 0:14:49.320 You started writing, you start writing it, and you're reading 0:14:49.360 --> 0:14:51.720 it back and stuff's coming in and you read it 0:14:51.760 --> 0:14:55.400 and you're you're going, wow, wow. You know, you're proud 0:14:55.400 --> 0:14:57.880 of yourself, but you're also like, wow, life really through 0:14:57.880 --> 0:14:58.800 some crowballs in there. 0:14:59.000 --> 0:15:02.800 Did you ever get the the stage of as you're 0:15:02.800 --> 0:15:07.080 writing it, like, man, I'm so over me, Like I'm like, 0:15:07.320 --> 0:15:09.720 nobody cares that much. I mean, I went through all yeah, 0:15:09.880 --> 0:15:11.400 that's just like I was. It's all about me. I 0:15:11.440 --> 0:15:12.640 was writing about me and me me. I'm like, God, 0:15:12.680 --> 0:15:13.160 nobody cares. 0:15:13.280 --> 0:15:15.200 I called Clarence, my manager, and said, dude, why are 0:15:15.240 --> 0:15:16.880 we doing this? I was like, no one's gonna buy 0:15:16.920 --> 0:15:19.440 this book. Nobody cares about my life. I was like, dude, 0:15:19.680 --> 0:15:21.600 And then you know, you're you're worried about some of 0:15:21.640 --> 0:15:22.840 the stuff you put in You're like and you're like, 0:15:22.920 --> 0:15:24.640 am I really gonna put that in there? And then 0:15:24.640 --> 0:15:26.680 you put it in there and you're like, nobody's gonna 0:15:26.840 --> 0:15:29.520 care about that, you know, like even even you know, 0:15:29.720 --> 0:15:32.840 now you know, I've written a book, and I still like, 0:15:32.920 --> 0:15:33.920 no one's gonna care about this. 0:15:34.880 --> 0:15:36.960 Same I had the same feeling, and I remember being 0:15:38.320 --> 0:15:42.280 ashamed not of what I put in it, but ashamed 0:15:42.360 --> 0:15:44.280 of the potential feelings I could have when people were 0:15:44.360 --> 0:15:46.880 judging me. And so you're, yeah, that's oh my goodness. 0:15:47.320 --> 0:15:49.560 So you're you're at the stage now where people and 0:15:49.600 --> 0:15:51.680 it's it's so different than music though, because you're gonna 0:15:51.680 --> 0:15:53.400 put out this book and you're gonna be like, all right, 0:15:53.440 --> 0:15:55.240 I read it for people to tell me and take 0:15:55.320 --> 0:15:56.840 us like forever to read a book. Yeah, so you 0:15:56.920 --> 0:15:59.680 just kind of they it's a slow roll of like people. 0:16:00.080 --> 0:16:02.240 But there was a part in my first book where 0:16:02.680 --> 0:16:04.640 my mom was struggling and she was a bad addict, 0:16:04.680 --> 0:16:06.040 and she had called and I started to make a 0:16:06.040 --> 0:16:07.080 little bit of money and she was like, if you 0:16:07.120 --> 0:16:09.520 don't give me money, I love my mom, so I'm 0:16:09.520 --> 0:16:11.400 gonna say that. But there was a where she was like, 0:16:11.480 --> 0:16:15.640 I'm going to do porn, and that was really heavy 0:16:15.680 --> 0:16:18.120 and hard on me, but it was also a it 0:16:18.240 --> 0:16:21.520 made me realize how awful it was for her and 0:16:21.600 --> 0:16:23.920 like I knew, but I didn't really like yeah, but 0:16:24.080 --> 0:16:26.000 when she called and threatened me like I'm going to 0:16:26.080 --> 0:16:29.680 do porn if you don't send me money, I had 0:16:29.760 --> 0:16:31.280 that where I was like, I don't know if I 0:16:31.320 --> 0:16:34.560 should put this in the book, but because of what 0:16:34.800 --> 0:16:36.880 I had to develop, because so I put it in 0:16:37.560 --> 0:16:39.640 with the context around it, and I thought people are 0:16:39.680 --> 0:16:41.720 going to judge me, or people are going but that's 0:16:41.800 --> 0:16:43.440 the thing when I would go do shows that people 0:16:43.480 --> 0:16:47.160 would be like, not the exact same story, but fairly 0:16:47.400 --> 0:16:49.560 sa that people would be like. That's what I related 0:16:49.640 --> 0:16:52.520 to the most, And that was the part I felt 0:16:52.600 --> 0:16:54.520 that I was going to be the judge the most 0:16:54.640 --> 0:16:58.320 on was that type of stuff, the really personal stuff 0:16:58.320 --> 0:17:00.440 abs so the fact that you have those like, I'm 0:17:00.440 --> 0:17:01.800 proud of you, because then that means you put it 0:17:01.840 --> 0:17:02.160 out there. 0:17:02.360 --> 0:17:04.960 Oh, I put it out there for sure. This is 0:17:05.000 --> 0:17:09.159 one thing I talked about in the book where I 0:17:09.240 --> 0:17:11.800 don't see my dad from the time I'm like thirteen 0:17:11.920 --> 0:17:15.399 or fourteen till I'm twenty eight. Fifteen years Nope, not 0:17:15.640 --> 0:17:17.960 a word. Never saw his face. 0:17:18.119 --> 0:17:18.760 Do you know where it was? 0:17:19.080 --> 0:17:21.760