1 00:00:14,916 --> 00:00:21,916 Speaker 1: Pushkin. Hey there, Maya here. I recently wrote a deeply 2 00:00:21,956 --> 00:00:25,076 Speaker 1: personal story about my philosophy on life with my friends 3 00:00:25,076 --> 00:00:28,716 Speaker 1: at the Meditative Story podcast. Writing this essay was a 4 00:00:28,756 --> 00:00:31,756 Speaker 1: transformative experience for me, and so I really wanted you 5 00:00:31,756 --> 00:00:34,276 Speaker 1: all to hear it, and please do reach out with 6 00:00:34,316 --> 00:00:37,796 Speaker 1: any reflections you have after listening. I'd love to hear them. 7 00:00:37,916 --> 00:00:40,756 Speaker 1: You can find me on Instagram at doctor Maya Shunker. 8 00:00:41,556 --> 00:01:00,276 Speaker 1: Okay here it is my Meditative Story. Jimmy invokes all 9 00:01:00,356 --> 00:01:03,116 Speaker 1: of his warmth and channels my dad to remind me 10 00:01:03,276 --> 00:01:08,396 Speaker 1: how in these critical moments, sometimes a slight shift in perspective, 11 00:01:09,756 --> 00:01:14,036 Speaker 1: that little bit of distance is all I need. And 12 00:01:14,156 --> 00:01:17,516 Speaker 1: what I learned from this gratitude exercise is that I 13 00:01:17,556 --> 00:01:20,556 Speaker 1: had become so zeroed in on my quest from motherhood 14 00:01:20,996 --> 00:01:24,636 Speaker 1: I had lost sight of how otherwise rich and multidimensional 15 00:01:24,796 --> 00:01:35,436 Speaker 1: my life is. Maya Shanka is a cognitive scientist and 16 00:01:35,596 --> 00:01:39,156 Speaker 1: host of the podcast A Slight Change of Plans, selected 17 00:01:39,196 --> 00:01:41,076 Speaker 1: as the best show of the Year by Apple in 18 00:01:41,116 --> 00:01:45,156 Speaker 1: twenty twenty one. As a girl, she struggles with taking 19 00:01:45,156 --> 00:01:49,596 Speaker 1: things too seriously herself, the sufferings of others, and the 20 00:01:49,676 --> 00:01:54,196 Speaker 1: hypothetical misfortunes she imagines for the future. She turns to 21 00:01:54,276 --> 00:01:57,116 Speaker 1: her father for perspective, and he takes her on a 22 00:01:57,236 --> 00:02:00,756 Speaker 1: memorable walk, one that helps her understand her place in 23 00:02:00,796 --> 00:02:04,436 Speaker 1: the universe. Spoiler alert, it's not at the center of it. 24 00:02:05,436 --> 00:02:08,636 Speaker 1: When her adult life brings a new and unexpected kind 25 00:02:08,676 --> 00:02:11,756 Speaker 1: of sorrow, she turns to these lessons from her father 26 00:02:11,876 --> 00:02:15,276 Speaker 1: again to find a balance between the seriousness that comes 27 00:02:15,276 --> 00:02:19,196 Speaker 1: with loving life and the wise perspective of knowing we're 28 00:02:19,236 --> 00:02:25,516 Speaker 1: all just passing through. In this series, we combine immersive 29 00:02:25,556 --> 00:02:28,996 Speaker 1: first person stories, breath taking music, and mindfulness prompts so 30 00:02:29,036 --> 00:02:31,316 Speaker 1: that we may see our lives reflected back to us 31 00:02:31,316 --> 00:02:34,316 Speaker 1: in other people's stories, and that can lead to improvements 32 00:02:34,316 --> 00:02:38,636 Speaker 1: in our own inner lives. From way to what This 33 00:02:38,796 --> 00:02:49,076 Speaker 1: is a meditative story. I'm Rohan and I'll be your guide. 34 00:03:06,076 --> 00:03:14,676 Speaker 1: The body relaxed, your body breathing, Your sense is open, 35 00:03:15,596 --> 00:03:59,116 Speaker 1: your mind open, meeting the world. The apartment in Chennai, 36 00:03:59,156 --> 00:04:03,396 Speaker 1: India is simple and spartan, but full of warmth. My 37 00:04:03,476 --> 00:04:05,916 Speaker 1: husband Jimmy, and I tore the small prayer room with 38 00:04:05,996 --> 00:04:10,636 Speaker 1: our hosts, friends of our family. It showcases dozens of 39 00:04:10,716 --> 00:04:14,236 Speaker 1: glinting metal bowls and statues and paintings of Hindoo gods 40 00:04:14,236 --> 00:04:18,996 Speaker 1: and goddesses in shades of pink, blue and gold. We 41 00:04:19,116 --> 00:04:21,516 Speaker 1: settle into the sitting room, the heart of the house. 42 00:04:22,396 --> 00:04:28,196 Speaker 1: It's full of chatter and laughter. I'm so excited to 43 00:04:28,196 --> 00:04:31,916 Speaker 1: be showing my relatives off to Jimmy. Last Thanksgiving, we 44 00:04:32,076 --> 00:04:38,436 Speaker 1: visited his ancestral homeland, China, and this year it's my turn. 45 00:04:40,476 --> 00:04:43,476 Speaker 1: My aunt and uncle chuckle with their playful vanter as. 46 00:04:43,476 --> 00:04:47,836 Speaker 1: Our hosts serve us snacks chai served in stainless steel cups, 47 00:04:48,076 --> 00:04:51,476 Speaker 1: and an assortment of dried fruits, nuts, and fried snacks. 48 00:04:52,716 --> 00:04:56,236 Speaker 1: The room reminds me of my grandmother's old house, with 49 00:04:56,316 --> 00:05:00,636 Speaker 1: notes of clove and cardamom filling the air. Jimmy and 50 00:05:00,676 --> 00:05:03,316 Speaker 1: my uncle sit under white fluorescent lights on one side 51 00:05:03,356 --> 00:05:08,036 Speaker 1: of the room. They're comparing notes on the nature of consciousness, 52 00:05:08,796 --> 00:05:12,276 Speaker 1: jim from a scientific perspective and my uncle as a 53 00:05:12,356 --> 00:05:17,076 Speaker 1: Hindu spiritualist. It delights me to see Jimmy at ease 54 00:05:17,116 --> 00:05:23,116 Speaker 1: with my family. They say opposites attract, but Jimmy and 55 00:05:23,116 --> 00:05:26,876 Speaker 1: I have minds that are wired so similarly. We reason 56 00:05:26,916 --> 00:05:30,236 Speaker 1: through problems the same way and have similar reactions to things. 57 00:05:31,276 --> 00:05:35,596 Speaker 1: Our greatest point of division lies in our philosophies around existence, 58 00:05:36,356 --> 00:05:39,676 Speaker 1: and now that the conversation has turned to consciousness, I 59 00:05:39,876 --> 00:05:42,316 Speaker 1: chime in and try to explain this difference to my 60 00:05:42,436 --> 00:05:45,076 Speaker 1: uncle and aunt as our friends bring out more plates 61 00:05:45,076 --> 00:05:48,236 Speaker 1: of food. Jimmy is an awe of the fact we 62 00:05:48,436 --> 00:05:51,876 Speaker 1: humans have consciousness at all, I say, and when he 63 00:05:51,916 --> 00:05:55,916 Speaker 1: recognizes just how small the chances were that his consciousness 64 00:05:55,916 --> 00:06:01,356 Speaker 1: came into existence, he is overwhelmed with gratitude. Jimmy is 65 00:06:01,396 --> 00:06:05,236 Speaker 1: just so happy to be here feeling and thinking things, 66 00:06:06,436 --> 00:06:10,596 Speaker 1: and the prospect of losing that terror defies him. If 67 00:06:10,596 --> 00:06:14,476 Speaker 1: he could transfer his consciousness into a machine to ensure 68 00:06:14,636 --> 00:06:19,396 Speaker 1: that he could continue to feel and think indefinitely, Jimmy 69 00:06:19,436 --> 00:06:39,076 Speaker 1: would do it in a heartbeat. My aunt and uncle 70 00:06:39,156 --> 00:06:42,396 Speaker 1: look at me with amusement, but for me, I continue. 71 00:06:42,836 --> 00:06:48,716 Speaker 1: My attitude towards existence is completely different. We all inevitably 72 00:06:48,796 --> 00:06:53,116 Speaker 1: encounter suffering in our lives, and I find this fact distressing. 73 00:06:54,276 --> 00:06:56,156 Speaker 1: If you were to tell me that you could reverse 74 00:06:56,236 --> 00:06:59,876 Speaker 1: the clock and never bring me into existence, I think 75 00:06:59,916 --> 00:07:04,076 Speaker 1: I would be completely fine with that. Non Existence does 76 00:07:04,116 --> 00:07:10,716 Speaker 1: not scare me. Suffering does I shrug. Jimmy has always 77 00:07:10,756 --> 00:07:14,556 Speaker 1: thought I'm a bit odd for having this view. He 78 00:07:14,596 --> 00:07:17,516 Speaker 1: cannot wrap his mind around the fact that anyone would 79 00:07:17,516 --> 00:07:21,036 Speaker 1: have such a cavalier attitude towards whether or not they exist. 80 00:07:22,676 --> 00:07:25,836 Speaker 1: It especially surprises Jimmy to hear this view coming from me, 81 00:07:26,276 --> 00:07:29,756 Speaker 1: given my positive nature. But now I see my aunt 82 00:07:29,996 --> 00:07:35,116 Speaker 1: nodding vigorously. Aha, she says, smiling at me. You are 83 00:07:35,196 --> 00:07:39,796 Speaker 1: a uttl ah. What I say, it's what I am. 84 00:07:39,876 --> 00:07:44,716 Speaker 1: My aunt explains, and your uncle too. We're both uttl's, 85 00:07:45,676 --> 00:07:53,036 Speaker 1: unwilling travelers through life. I burst out, laughing, unwilling travelers 86 00:07:53,236 --> 00:07:57,796 Speaker 1: through life. It is perfect. I feel this delight, this 87 00:07:57,956 --> 00:08:01,316 Speaker 1: sense of deep connection. I've never heard my aunt used 88 00:08:01,356 --> 00:08:04,396 Speaker 1: this term before, but I immediately know what she means, 89 00:08:04,796 --> 00:08:07,756 Speaker 1: and so does Jimmy. Our eyes meet and I can 90 00:08:07,796 --> 00:08:11,076 Speaker 1: tell what he's thinking. So this is where you get 91 00:08:11,116 --> 00:08:16,836 Speaker 1: it from. I'm deeply troubled by human suffering. This is 92 00:08:16,876 --> 00:08:20,676 Speaker 1: why I am an unwilling traveler through life. As a 93 00:08:20,716 --> 00:08:24,236 Speaker 1: little kid, I'm torn up seeing the impoverished children my 94 00:08:24,276 --> 00:08:27,316 Speaker 1: own age. During my visits to India, I watch my 95 00:08:27,396 --> 00:08:30,956 Speaker 1: grandparents suffer as they age, and I feel it myself 96 00:08:31,156 --> 00:08:33,836 Speaker 1: when I'm bullied by the other kids at my suburban 97 00:08:33,956 --> 00:08:39,076 Speaker 1: elementary school. If we didn't exist, sure, there wouldn't be joy, 98 00:08:39,116 --> 00:08:42,396 Speaker 1: but there also wouldn't be misery or the ever looming 99 00:08:42,476 --> 00:08:46,796 Speaker 1: threat of future misery. I marvel that my aunt has 100 00:08:46,836 --> 00:08:50,396 Speaker 1: reached the same conclusion and has coined a charming phrase 101 00:08:50,516 --> 00:09:03,116 Speaker 1: that captures our philosophy, an unwilling traveler through life. I 102 00:09:03,356 --> 00:09:08,356 Speaker 1: beam at my aunt, my uncle, and at Jimmy. I'm 103 00:09:08,396 --> 00:09:13,636 Speaker 1: not alone on this odd desert island. It has other inhabitants. 104 00:09:35,556 --> 00:09:38,196 Speaker 1: Does the idea of being a little detached to life 105 00:09:38,596 --> 00:09:44,276 Speaker 1: feel wise to you or something else? Let's take a 106 00:09:44,396 --> 00:09:50,116 Speaker 1: breath to reflect on the word detachment and how it 107 00:09:50,156 --> 00:09:56,396 Speaker 1: doesn't have to also mean disconnected. What might connected detachment 108 00:09:56,516 --> 00:10:31,276 Speaker 1: be like? The conversation affirms by belief that if we 109 00:10:31,316 --> 00:10:34,796 Speaker 1: can become a bit detached from our own existence, a 110 00:10:34,836 --> 00:10:38,916 Speaker 1: little less enamored of it, perhaps we can better accept 111 00:10:39,876 --> 00:10:52,716 Speaker 1: life's inevitable tragedies. I grow up in Cheshire, Connecticut. Our 112 00:10:52,756 --> 00:10:54,996 Speaker 1: home is a bit of a stretch financially for my 113 00:10:55,076 --> 00:10:58,516 Speaker 1: family of six, all living on my dad's salary as 114 00:10:58,556 --> 00:11:03,076 Speaker 1: an assistant professor of physics. One afternoon, when I'm in 115 00:11:03,156 --> 00:11:06,556 Speaker 1: third grade, I sit with my dad in our family room. 116 00:11:06,676 --> 00:11:10,596 Speaker 1: We're surrounded by light blue wallpaper and beautiful Indian artwork 117 00:11:10,716 --> 00:11:15,116 Speaker 1: my mom painted as a young girl. A Persian rug 118 00:11:15,156 --> 00:11:19,556 Speaker 1: covers the floor. We sit on our crinkled leather sofa. 119 00:11:19,716 --> 00:11:22,396 Speaker 1: I tell my dad about our latest assignment at school, 120 00:11:22,636 --> 00:11:25,636 Speaker 1: where we have to dive deep into a topic. I've 121 00:11:25,716 --> 00:11:29,756 Speaker 1: chosen DNA, and since my father's a scientist, I imagine 122 00:11:29,836 --> 00:11:34,196 Speaker 1: that he's going to love that I've chosen something sciencey, 123 00:11:34,316 --> 00:11:37,076 Speaker 1: so I share it with him, and then, as an afterthought, 124 00:11:37,236 --> 00:11:41,196 Speaker 1: I casually mentioned that my friend Marie's project is about savants, 125 00:11:41,756 --> 00:11:46,516 Speaker 1: people with extraordinary mental gifts and talents. My dad pauses 126 00:11:46,516 --> 00:11:52,396 Speaker 1: for a moment and then remarks savants and how that's 127 00:11:52,436 --> 00:11:57,516 Speaker 1: a fascinating topic. My nerdy competitive streak swings into full gear. 128 00:11:58,276 --> 00:12:02,116 Speaker 1: I shoot back, whoa, whoa, whoa, what do you mean 129 00:12:02,156 --> 00:12:08,196 Speaker 1: that's fascinating? DNA is the most fascinating topic. My father 130 00:12:08,316 --> 00:12:12,836 Speaker 1: here is my reaction, and leans forward. Hey, maya, he says, 131 00:12:12,916 --> 00:12:18,316 Speaker 1: a bit sternly quick geography lesson the world does not 132 00:12:18,516 --> 00:12:23,876 Speaker 1: revolve around you. His gentle frown hangs under his black mustache. 133 00:12:25,036 --> 00:12:27,716 Speaker 1: I so rarely see that frown, and so it really 134 00:12:27,756 --> 00:12:31,316 Speaker 1: packs a punch. He lays it out clearly for me. 135 00:12:32,036 --> 00:12:34,676 Speaker 1: Let's not forget that you are one of many Maya. 136 00:12:35,316 --> 00:12:37,556 Speaker 1: You should not only be okay with other people having 137 00:12:37,596 --> 00:12:40,636 Speaker 1: better ideas than you, you should expect that that will 138 00:12:40,676 --> 00:12:44,596 Speaker 1: be the case. My dad feeds me this big slice 139 00:12:44,636 --> 00:12:49,036 Speaker 1: of humble pie, and I take it in. He's telling 140 00:12:49,076 --> 00:12:51,956 Speaker 1: me that when we step outside of our own egos, 141 00:12:52,596 --> 00:12:57,396 Speaker 1: our trials and tribulations are put in context. We remain 142 00:12:57,516 --> 00:13:01,156 Speaker 1: humble when good things happen, and are more resilient when 143 00:13:01,156 --> 00:13:09,316 Speaker 1: things don't go our way. My dad's philosophy helps me 144 00:13:09,396 --> 00:13:17,396 Speaker 1: weather some difficult times growing up. I love playing the violin, 145 00:13:19,316 --> 00:13:24,396 Speaker 1: and it becomes the centerpiece of my childhood. At age nine, 146 00:13:24,476 --> 00:13:29,316 Speaker 1: I'm accepted at the Juilliard School of Music's pre college program, 147 00:13:29,356 --> 00:13:32,636 Speaker 1: and as a teenager, it's a pearlman invites me to 148 00:13:32,676 --> 00:13:37,156 Speaker 1: be his private violin student. But at fifteen, I suffer 149 00:13:37,196 --> 00:13:43,036 Speaker 1: an acute hand injury that ends my career overnight. I'm heartbroken. 150 00:13:46,396 --> 00:13:49,276 Speaker 1: By the time I get to college, I've started to 151 00:13:49,316 --> 00:13:54,356 Speaker 1: accept this loss. My dad, who teaches here at Yale, 152 00:13:54,596 --> 00:13:58,316 Speaker 1: is never far Sophomore year, I live in a dorm 153 00:13:58,316 --> 00:14:01,716 Speaker 1: on College Street, and if you keep walking up that street, 154 00:14:01,876 --> 00:14:04,756 Speaker 1: you'll eventually get to Science Hill, where his office is. 155 00:14:05,836 --> 00:14:08,876 Speaker 1: Sometimes we meet halfway to walk around the leafy streets 156 00:14:08,916 --> 00:14:14,476 Speaker 1: of Haven, or to have lunch at Naples, our favorite pizzeria, 157 00:14:14,836 --> 00:14:20,716 Speaker 1: Extra red pepper flakes please always. This fall, at school, 158 00:14:21,036 --> 00:14:25,196 Speaker 1: I'm plagued by a new concern. From the time I 159 00:14:25,236 --> 00:14:28,036 Speaker 1: was a little kid, I'd always dreamed of becoming a mom. 160 00:14:28,836 --> 00:14:31,436 Speaker 1: I had a play kitchen set with a telephone on it, 161 00:14:31,796 --> 00:14:35,156 Speaker 1: and my dad would overhear me calling my fictitious neighbors 162 00:14:35,236 --> 00:14:39,756 Speaker 1: to share stories about my mischievous children. Despite my being 163 00:14:39,836 --> 00:14:43,556 Speaker 1: an unwilling traveler through life, I'd somehow always managed to 164 00:14:43,596 --> 00:14:46,436 Speaker 1: have an idyllic view of what my kids' lives would 165 00:14:46,436 --> 00:14:51,996 Speaker 1: be like, filled with constant joy, smiles and snuggles. This fall, 166 00:14:52,316 --> 00:14:56,556 Speaker 1: that image, which had slowly been forming cracks, is now 167 00:14:56,756 --> 00:15:01,036 Speaker 1: fully punctured. I've been reading about a series of violent 168 00:15:01,076 --> 00:15:06,636 Speaker 1: attacks against transgender and gay teenagers. Now the realization is 169 00:15:06,636 --> 00:15:10,316 Speaker 1: crashing down on me that my kid could suffer terribly 170 00:15:10,516 --> 00:15:14,516 Speaker 1: in this world, and my imagination starts to run wild 171 00:15:14,756 --> 00:15:23,676 Speaker 1: with the countless ways they could feel pain. I'm only 172 00:15:23,756 --> 00:15:27,836 Speaker 1: eighteen years old, yet here I am consumed by an 173 00:15:27,836 --> 00:15:33,436 Speaker 1: obsessive loop of painful images of my children, suffering children 174 00:15:33,836 --> 00:15:39,836 Speaker 1: I don't even have yet. I call my dad in despair. 175 00:15:40,716 --> 00:15:43,436 Speaker 1: He drops whatever he is working on and greets me 176 00:15:43,516 --> 00:15:47,196 Speaker 1: on the sidewalk. We pull our coats tight against the wind, 177 00:15:47,436 --> 00:15:52,476 Speaker 1: and I start to explain my worries. When I'm like this, 178 00:15:52,876 --> 00:15:55,316 Speaker 1: I have a pit deep in my stomach and I 179 00:15:55,356 --> 00:16:00,836 Speaker 1: completely lose my appetite. I feel nauseated. My world feels 180 00:16:00,876 --> 00:16:05,476 Speaker 1: under threat. Boju, he says, a pet name he's had 181 00:16:05,516 --> 00:16:10,636 Speaker 1: for me since childhood. Let's head this way. We set 182 00:16:10,636 --> 00:16:13,716 Speaker 1: out in silence. My dad leads me to the entrance 183 00:16:13,836 --> 00:16:17,956 Speaker 1: of the Grove Street Cemetery. We've never gone this way before. 184 00:16:18,836 --> 00:16:23,316 Speaker 1: It's a cloudy, ominous day. We enter through an impressive 185 00:16:23,436 --> 00:16:27,876 Speaker 1: stone archway, almost like a temple. The last of the 186 00:16:27,996 --> 00:16:31,436 Speaker 1: leaves are falling from the oak trees. The air smells 187 00:16:31,476 --> 00:16:35,076 Speaker 1: like damp earth. In front of us we see the 188 00:16:35,116 --> 00:16:42,956 Speaker 1: old headstones of people who led complicated lives like ours, 189 00:16:46,436 --> 00:16:54,396 Speaker 1: just rows and rows of headstones. Look, Boju, my father says, 190 00:16:54,756 --> 00:16:59,316 Speaker 1: sweeping his gaze around us. No matter what suffering we endure, 191 00:17:00,436 --> 00:17:06,396 Speaker 1: this will be our fate. So never let your fears 192 00:17:06,436 --> 00:17:13,236 Speaker 1: grow too big, let out a hesitant smile. Novel parenting 193 00:17:13,316 --> 00:17:18,236 Speaker 1: style pops. But he's got me something in my mind 194 00:17:18,996 --> 00:17:28,556 Speaker 1: is shifting. My anxieties, my worries, they lift just a bit. 195 00:17:30,556 --> 00:17:33,436 Speaker 1: In bringing me to this graveyard, He's showing me that 196 00:17:33,676 --> 00:17:37,516 Speaker 1: one of the antidotes to suffering is not trying to 197 00:17:37,516 --> 00:17:42,236 Speaker 1: prevent it altogether. Instead, we can take the perspective of 198 00:17:42,276 --> 00:17:47,476 Speaker 1: the universe. No matter what are suffering, it is impermanent. 199 00:17:48,596 --> 00:17:54,636 Speaker 1: All suffering does eventually end. Not everyone finds comfort in 200 00:17:54,756 --> 00:17:58,116 Speaker 1: feeling small and transient in the vastness of the universe, 201 00:17:59,116 --> 00:18:05,716 Speaker 1: but I do. It takes the pressure off. I see 202 00:18:05,756 --> 00:18:08,596 Speaker 1: that maybe the stakes aren't as high as my brain 203 00:18:08,716 --> 00:18:16,636 Speaker 1: wants to believe. These thoughts fill me with calm. This 204 00:18:16,836 --> 00:18:40,436 Speaker 1: walk with my dad is just what I need. Does 205 00:18:40,516 --> 00:18:46,116 Speaker 1: this work for you? Knowing we are infinitesimally small can 206 00:18:46,196 --> 00:18:50,316 Speaker 1: be very freeing, but it can also be a bit scary. 207 00:18:52,876 --> 00:18:58,756 Speaker 1: For Maya, there is calm here? What is here for you? 208 00:19:36,516 --> 00:19:38,996 Speaker 1: By the time Jimmy and I are married, he knows 209 00:19:39,036 --> 00:19:42,396 Speaker 1: me so well. He knows of my deep desire to 210 00:19:42,476 --> 00:19:46,236 Speaker 1: have children, but that the idea of their potential suffering 211 00:19:46,516 --> 00:19:50,116 Speaker 1: brings me great anxiety. I'm not sure I'll have the 212 00:19:50,196 --> 00:19:54,036 Speaker 1: courage to eventually become a mom. But Jimmy's love of 213 00:19:54,116 --> 00:20:04,236 Speaker 1: life is infectious. He's not immobilized like I am by 214 00:20:04,236 --> 00:20:08,516 Speaker 1: the idea that our children might suffer. I think, why 215 00:20:08,636 --> 00:20:14,156 Speaker 1: create another unwilling traveler through life? Whereas he thinks, yes, 216 00:20:14,476 --> 00:20:17,796 Speaker 1: we will all experience pain, that there can also be 217 00:20:17,956 --> 00:20:21,596 Speaker 1: such joy in this life that it's well worth the risk. 218 00:20:22,916 --> 00:20:28,036 Speaker 1: Over time, Jimmy slowly helps erode my fears, and because 219 00:20:28,036 --> 00:20:32,196 Speaker 1: he understands how my mind works, together we figure out 220 00:20:32,236 --> 00:20:36,236 Speaker 1: strategies to help me deal with my anxieties, including some 221 00:20:36,276 --> 00:20:39,116 Speaker 1: of the methods my dad has taught me over the years, 222 00:20:40,196 --> 00:20:44,356 Speaker 1: and so I find the courage to take the leap. 223 00:20:47,716 --> 00:20:50,796 Speaker 1: Because of medical issues, Jimmy and I make embryos and 224 00:20:50,876 --> 00:20:54,156 Speaker 1: we partner with a surrogate to carry the pregnancy. The 225 00:20:54,236 --> 00:20:59,476 Speaker 1: whole process takes years, but one day we are finally 226 00:20:59,596 --> 00:21:06,196 Speaker 1: peering at a blue line on a plastic stick. Our surrogate, Hailey, 227 00:21:06,436 --> 00:21:14,556 Speaker 1: is pregnant. Six weeks in the pregnancy fails. For so long, 228 00:21:14,916 --> 00:21:19,196 Speaker 1: motherhood has been this enormous presence in my life, first 229 00:21:19,236 --> 00:21:22,316 Speaker 1: in my consuming fear of it, then in my pursuit 230 00:21:22,356 --> 00:21:28,996 Speaker 1: of it and now in my grief. We end up 231 00:21:28,996 --> 00:21:32,396 Speaker 1: trying again, and this time, at the six week mark, 232 00:21:32,716 --> 00:21:36,836 Speaker 1: we're surprised to discover that Haley is carrying identical twins. 233 00:21:38,756 --> 00:21:43,356 Speaker 1: Our single embryo has split in two. Jimmy and I 234 00:21:43,396 --> 00:21:48,196 Speaker 1: are elated. Then, just a few hours after we see 235 00:21:48,196 --> 00:21:52,756 Speaker 1: the images of these perfect little beating hearts, Haley starts bleeding. 236 00:21:53,876 --> 00:21:57,276 Speaker 1: I know what's going to happen, and I can hardly 237 00:21:57,356 --> 00:22:06,196 Speaker 1: bear it. Evening has fallen in the Bay Area. I've 238 00:22:06,236 --> 00:22:09,476 Speaker 1: snuggled under the comforter and I'm staring at our white 239 00:22:09,476 --> 00:22:11,956 Speaker 1: wall and the few books that lay on her dresser. 240 00:22:13,356 --> 00:22:17,756 Speaker 1: Jimmy stands in the doorway may He says, his nickname 241 00:22:17,836 --> 00:22:22,436 Speaker 1: for me, My, Let's list some things were grateful for. No, 242 00:22:22,996 --> 00:22:25,676 Speaker 1: I really don't want to, I say, shaking my head. 243 00:22:26,396 --> 00:22:31,196 Speaker 1: The idea of gratitude feels jarring in this moment. It'll 244 00:22:31,196 --> 00:22:34,076 Speaker 1: be quick, he says, let's just name a few things 245 00:22:34,196 --> 00:22:39,076 Speaker 1: were really thankful for. I sigh. I glance over at 246 00:22:39,156 --> 00:22:46,556 Speaker 1: Jimmy's reassuring smile. He looks at me encouragingly. Okay, Number 247 00:22:46,556 --> 00:22:49,716 Speaker 1: one on my list is Jimmy, and then I name 248 00:22:49,836 --> 00:22:54,476 Speaker 1: some other things my six nieces and nephews, my family, 249 00:22:54,516 --> 00:22:57,636 Speaker 1: and my best friends, and my morning cups of Chai, 250 00:22:58,036 --> 00:23:00,556 Speaker 1: which bring me comfort and warmth and have become a 251 00:23:00,676 --> 00:23:04,836 Speaker 1: ritual over the past few years. A podcast I love 252 00:23:04,916 --> 00:23:08,796 Speaker 1: creating so much, which allows me to emotionally connect with 253 00:23:08,956 --> 00:23:12,716 Speaker 1: us all over the world and mine wisdom from their stories. 254 00:23:14,116 --> 00:23:17,076 Speaker 1: Even my exercise routine, which has kept me sane and 255 00:23:17,156 --> 00:23:21,276 Speaker 1: happy through the pandemic. Jimmy invokes all of his warmth 256 00:23:21,356 --> 00:23:23,916 Speaker 1: and channels my dad to remind me how in these 257 00:23:23,956 --> 00:23:29,036 Speaker 1: critical moments, sometimes a slight shift in perspective, that little 258 00:23:29,036 --> 00:23:32,476 Speaker 1: bit of distance is all I need. And what I 259 00:23:32,556 --> 00:23:35,956 Speaker 1: learned from this gratitude exercise is that I had become 260 00:23:35,996 --> 00:23:39,196 Speaker 1: so zeroed in on my quest from motherhood, I had 261 00:23:39,236 --> 00:23:43,316 Speaker 1: lost sight of how otherwise rich and multidimensional my life is. 262 00:23:44,476 --> 00:23:47,236 Speaker 1: Like all efforts to make ourselves feel better in the moment, 263 00:23:47,996 --> 00:23:51,636 Speaker 1: this one's not perfect, but this meaningful shift in my 264 00:23:51,716 --> 00:23:54,796 Speaker 1: perspective that my dad has been helping me to cultivate 265 00:23:54,876 --> 00:24:02,116 Speaker 1: since childhood, it brings me some peace. It's similar to 266 00:24:02,156 --> 00:24:04,396 Speaker 1: the relief I felt walking with my dad on that 267 00:24:04,476 --> 00:24:09,836 Speaker 1: fall day nearly two decades ago. I back on those 268 00:24:09,876 --> 00:24:14,876 Speaker 1: conversations in New Haven and in Chennai. The images are 269 00:24:14,916 --> 00:24:21,076 Speaker 1: comforting When my life feels heavy, even a small change 270 00:24:21,076 --> 00:24:25,996 Speaker 1: in perspective can help me to survive it. We're all 271 00:24:26,036 --> 00:25:09,356 Speaker 1: just briefly and bravely traveling through this life. Thank you, Maya. 272 00:25:10,716 --> 00:25:13,796 Speaker 1: Your story has me reflecting on the importance of subtle 273 00:25:13,876 --> 00:25:19,036 Speaker 1: shifts of perspective in my own life. There are so 274 00:25:19,076 --> 00:25:21,916 Speaker 1: many elements of Mayer's story that I could use as 275 00:25:21,916 --> 00:25:25,316 Speaker 1: the runaway for our meditation together. So I'm going to 276 00:25:25,356 --> 00:25:30,636 Speaker 1: be greedy and pick three, and we'll start by lightning 277 00:25:30,756 --> 00:25:43,436 Speaker 1: our footprint, eyes open or closed. Know what it is 278 00:25:43,516 --> 00:25:50,156 Speaker 1: to be light upon the earth. Nothing for us to do, 279 00:25:52,716 --> 00:26:07,596 Speaker 1: our weight supported by the earth, the movements of our mind, 280 00:26:09,156 --> 00:26:26,596 Speaker 1: the sensations of our bodies, fluid changing, light weight. We're 281 00:26:26,596 --> 00:26:34,396 Speaker 1: aware of our experience as it's blown around, thoughts, sensations, 282 00:26:36,316 --> 00:26:51,676 Speaker 1: like dandelion seeds on the breeze. Maya story is also 283 00:26:51,956 --> 00:26:57,756 Speaker 1: about suffering. Suffering that is real and suffering that is imagined, 284 00:26:59,116 --> 00:27:02,596 Speaker 1: and maybe a suffering that is a layering of the two. 285 00:27:04,996 --> 00:27:12,156 Speaker 1: Things can be hard. There is everyday suffering, and there 286 00:27:12,276 --> 00:27:15,796 Speaker 1: is the suffering you wouldn't even wish on your nemesis. 287 00:27:16,636 --> 00:27:21,916 Speaker 1: It's what it is to be human. There's a universality 288 00:27:21,956 --> 00:27:28,196 Speaker 1: to it, and a lightness, the knowledge that we all 289 00:27:28,236 --> 00:27:36,276 Speaker 1: just stumble through somehow, billions of people, each the center 290 00:27:36,356 --> 00:27:40,676 Speaker 1: of their own world, but not the center of the world. 291 00:27:43,316 --> 00:28:00,436 Speaker 1: Eight billion dandelion seeds, all in a spaciousness. It's almost 292 00:28:00,516 --> 00:28:04,516 Speaker 1: dandelion season here in Glasgow, Scotland, so we've seen the 293 00:28:04,556 --> 00:28:09,276 Speaker 1: first here and there on our walks. We pick them 294 00:28:09,396 --> 00:28:13,076 Speaker 1: up and with our breath send them out into the 295 00:28:13,116 --> 00:28:30,836 Speaker 1: air to float, to be light. Each one a wish 296 00:28:30,916 --> 00:28:36,116 Speaker 1: in the toughest of times. Jimmy points Meyer to gratitude. 297 00:28:37,356 --> 00:28:41,076 Speaker 1: I wish I had his wisdom. So let's take his 298 00:28:41,156 --> 00:28:47,476 Speaker 1: invitation ourselves to let's just do it. Let's just name 299 00:28:47,516 --> 00:28:52,676 Speaker 1: a few things we're really grateful for. I'll start the 300 00:28:52,836 --> 00:29:01,956 Speaker 1: long summer days. Disney plus, good running trainers, my wife, 301 00:29:01,996 --> 00:29:18,836 Speaker 1: putting up with my cooking. Okay, your turn now. As 302 00:29:18,876 --> 00:29:22,556 Speaker 1: Maya says, sometimes we become so zeroed in on the thing, 303 00:29:23,396 --> 00:29:25,756 Speaker 1: so it can be helpful to remember that our lives 304 00:29:25,796 --> 00:29:31,276 Speaker 1: are multi dimensional and full. You two can be more Jimmy, 305 00:29:32,116 --> 00:29:37,876 Speaker 1: and remember that even in the difficult times, you two 306 00:29:38,196 --> 00:29:42,236 Speaker 1: can be more Maya and practice it even when we 307 00:29:42,236 --> 00:29:50,196 Speaker 1: don't want to. You two can be light, delicate upon 308 00:29:50,236 --> 00:30:19,196 Speaker 1: the earth. Thank You, Maya and Thank You. Meditative Story 309 00:30:19,356 --> 00:30:23,716 Speaker 1: is a Waite One original. Our executive producers are Derren Triff, 310 00:30:24,036 --> 00:30:29,916 Speaker 1: June Cohen, and Rebecca Grierson. J Panjabi is our supervising producer. 311 00:30:30,676 --> 00:30:34,356 Speaker 1: The series is produced by Dorothy Abrams. Original music and 312 00:30:34,436 --> 00:30:38,916 Speaker 1: sound designed by Ryan Holiday. Our scriptwriters are Hannah Brentcher, 313 00:30:39,476 --> 00:30:44,956 Speaker 1: Peter Keckley, Marie McCoy Thompson, and Florence Williams. Mixing and 314 00:30:45,036 --> 00:30:51,996 Speaker 1: mastering by Brian Pugh. Special thanks to Emily McManus, Anna Pizino, 315 00:30:52,676 --> 00:31:00,316 Speaker 1: Sarah Tarta, kelc Carpetano, Tim Cronin, Sammy Opouta, Leah, Sarah Mettis, 316 00:31:00,996 --> 00:31:07,396 Speaker 1: Colin Howarth, chineme Is, Equena, Charlie Menezes, and Adam Heiner 317 00:31:09,156 --> 00:31:13,556 Speaker 1: and i'm Rohan Gonnatilico, creator of the Budafi Meditation app, 318 00:31:13,796 --> 00:31:19,076 Speaker 1: and your host. Visit meditativestory dot com to find the 319 00:31:19,116 --> 00:31:36,436 Speaker 1: transcript for this episode.